This my first time writing fanfiction, so please be gentle! I also decided to try a different writing style than my usual, so I hope it’s still enjoyable! Anyways, here we goooo….
Oh look I’m on AO3 now too
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Supercorptober Day 3: “Kara”
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When she first meets Kara, she remembers thinking “what a beautiful name”.
And then Lena remembers how her breath caught in her throat when she looked into the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen, and she knew in that moment Kara was not anyone she was going to forget anytime soon.
At first, Kara was just interviews and polite conversation over tea and coffee. But she was also a very attractive woman and easy on the eyes, so who could blame Lena if she secretly looked forward to their occasional interactions?
Lena soon came to find that Kara was unlike anyone she had ever met. Kara was genuine in a disarming way, in that way that almost seemed too good to be true - but time and time again she proved that she truly had no ulterior motives - she quite simply just wanted to be Lena’s friend. Lena, self deprecating as ever, couldn’t understand why Kara was so determined to nurture the tiny seedling of their fledgling friendship, but she found herself helpless to resist Kara’s radiant smile and the joy that it brought to her life (or the way her heart beat just a tiny bit faster every time she looked at her).
Before long Kara was weekly lunches, and kombucha dates and spin classes, and text messages with silly stories and pictures that sometimes made Lena laugh until her sides hurt. And then there were the hugs - so many hugs. Lena didn’t think she had ever been hugged so much in her life, but suddenly she couldn’t imagine her life without them, without getting to feel the way she felt when Kara’s arms were wrapped around her.
Kara was warmth and comfort personified, like snuggling up in a soft blanket in front of a fire on a cold day.
Kara was shy smiles and playful smirks and cheek splitting grins. She was long rambling sentences and clumsy stumbles and the endearingly awkward way she always fidgeted with her glasses. She was pizza and ice cream and movie nights, silliness and laughter and bad puns that Lena loved even though she pretended not to.
Kara was a cardigan-clad wrecking ball who unexpectedly smashed down every wall Lena had painstakingly erected around her scarred and wounded heart, walls she put up long ago to keep herself safe… but somewhere along the way Kara had become her safe place, her sanctuary. She felt protected and cared for… and for once, truly loved. Perhaps not in the same way she ever so slowly found herself falling for the charming blonde, but loved nonetheless.
(Because Kara was also the butterflies in Lena’s stomach, and she was stolen glances and sweaty palms and Lena’s nervous habit of biting her lower lip. She was the rapid beating of Lena’s traitorous heart, and affectionate smiles that tried to say what Lena could never find the courage to put into words).
Kara was sunshine, pouring light into all of Lena’s darkest places, banishing the shadows lurking in her soul with gentle but confident assurances of better days ahead. Kara was hope and perseverance and finding the silver lining in every cloud. She was everything good and true in Lena’s life.
Until she wasn’t.
In the blink of an eye, Lena found herself struggling to stay afloat in a raging sea of doubt and confusion, suddenly questioning everything she thought she had ever known. And the one person who could possibly save Lena was the one pushing her head under the water, drowning her in lies and betrayal.
So Kara was Supergirl. She was a goddamn fucking superhero. A so-called symbol of goodness, a supposed paragon of virtue.
Supergirl was “hope, help and compassion for all”.
How ironic.
All Lena felt was hopeless and helpless, all other emotions gone numb aside from the simmering hatred and rage threatening to consume her.
Kara was now nothing more than secrecy and deception. She was cowardice and regret and misplaced trust. Kara was the dull knife blade twisting in Lena’s back. She was the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing, an imposter hiding behind a carefully crafted mask.
Kara was Lena’s heart fractured into a million jagged little pieces, ripping her insides apart and leaving her raw, exposed, vulnerable. Broken and bleeding.
Alone.
Kara became silence. The aching hole in Lena’s chest, an emptiness that nothing could fill.
Kara became endless nights finding the bottom of a bottle of expensive scotch, and crystal tumblers shattered against walls when the pain became too much to bear.
Lena wanted so desperately for Kara to become a distant memory, nothing more than a warning to her future self, packed away in a tiny box in Lena’s mind. But no matter what Lena did, Kara was still there, like a stubborn stain on a white shirt.
As time went on, Lena began to liken the feeling to the experience of getting a tattoo. Her emotional tattoo of Kara was a swirling design of pastels mixed with bold and vivid colors, rife with personal significance and symbolic of so many deep and indescribable emotions, both good and bad. And even though it was initially inscribed on her soul with gentle hands and a delicate touch, it still left her heart red and raw, covered in angry scabs that were so easy to pick at even though she knew it would only cause her more pain. But it would heal eventually, as long as Lena allowed it to. The pain would slowly fade away, leaving behind a permanent manifestation of memories both beautiful and bittersweet.
Simply put, as Lena had come to discover, Kara was unforgettable. No matter how much Lena tried to hate her, the truth was she loved her too much to ever let her go. And once Lena finally came to terms with that truth, she decided it was time to stop fighting what was clearly a losing battle.
Lena was finally ready to heal.
Lucky for her, Kara was ready to heal too.
And like dipping her toes cautiously in the edge of the water before diving in, little by little Lena let Kara back into her life.
Kara was different, and yet the same. Kara was layers for Lena to peel back one by one, finding her old friend still there alongside another Kara she had yet to meet.
Kara was forgiveness and second chances. She was the return of weekly lunch dates, and getting to know each other all over again. She was hope renewed, both of them learning to trust again and learning to be honest with each other.
Kara was previously untold stories of Krypton, and Lena’s realization of how the burden of Kara’s trauma weighed so heavily on her broad shoulders. Kara was deep sorrow, and fierce protectiveness, and a deep-seated sense of duty and determination to never let Earth or her loved ones befall the same fate as her former home. Kara was vulnerability, opening up to Lena about her past regrets and deepest fears. Lena learned to recognize the distant pain in Kara’s eyes, how well she hid so much of herself from everyone. And Lena learned to comfort the real Kara, in the same way she realized Kara had always been there to comfort her in her own darkest hours, even when Lena had taken it for granted.
Kara was the overwhelming urge Lena had to learn to speak and read Kryptonian just so that Kara would feel less alone. To be someone she could proudly share her culture and heritage with.
Kara was once again the destruction of the walls around Lena’s heart - but unlike before, the walls come down slowly, brick by careful brick. And this time, Kara’s walls came down too. When they finally had no more walls between them, together they took the bricks and built a bridge between their souls.
“El Mayarah,” as Kara would say. Stronger together.
Kara was once again light and laughter and the one person who could always make Lena smile. She was cuddles on Kara’s couch and spontaneous adventures and Lena finally overcoming her fear of flying. Kara was the confidence Lena needed to start a new business and make her own mark on the world.
Kara was all the affection and longing in Lena’s heart that never truly went away, and only grew stronger the deeper Lena dove into the surprising complexity that comprised all of Kara’s personas.
Kara was still butterflies and blushing cheeks, but now she was also the internal battle between Lena’s overwhelming desire to know if her love for Kara could ever be reciprocated, and Lena’s desperate need to never lose Kara as a friend again.
Kara was the impossible dream Lena finally dared to dream. She was a leap of faith, a trust fall, a plea to the heavens for a blonde haired angel to be the one waiting to catch her.
And now.
Now Kara is the first name Lena says in the morning and the last name on her lips at night. She is the shoulder Lena cries on, the strong arms that hold her close and keep her safe. She is promises and candlelit dinners and sweet whispers in her ear.
And now, as they lace their fingers together, and Lena stares lovingly into those beautiful blue eyes before pressing a gentle kiss to Kara’s impossibly soft lips, Lena can say she knows without a doubt who Kara is.
She is the missing puzzle piece that completes her, the glue holding all of Lena’s broken pieces together. She is the daily warmth and affection that fills Lena’s mended heart to overflowing.
Above all else, Kara is and always will be home. Just like she will always be Lena’s perfect partner at game night, and she will always be the person who takes Lena’s breath away, who makes her feel like the luckiest woman alive. And if there is one thing she knows for certain, it’s that Kara will always be the love of Lena’s life.
Kara really is a beautiful name.
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Ahsoka’s last question to Sabine before her Fall was this:
“Can I count on you?”
versus
Ezra’s first statement to Sabine after being separated for a decade:
“I knew I could count on you.”
Me:
You guys see what I’m getting at, right? Another classic Star Wars parallel!
You’ve got Ahsoka, her mentor, unsure of placing her trust in Sabine to do the right thing.
And then Sabine does what she does to save Ezra. With Ahsoka’s question lingering in her mind the whole time.
And then Ezra reappears. And he says exactly what she needed to hear. That someone who trusted her had that faith rewarded; that she didn’t let them down.
Filoni, I am in your walls. I see what you’re doing.
Even unknowing of what she’s done, it’s Ezra consistently placing unconditional trust and appreciation for Sabine juxtaposed against everyone else leveraging her to get something.
Ezra. Always having faith in her, when she doesn’t feel it for herself. When no one else does.
Is it any wonder that she fell so hard for him?
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Friendly Nov 5th reminder: The theme in 15x18 was loss (hence the title Despair). This theme was underlined through the motif Berens chose, where he tied the theme of loss specifically to despairing over the sudden, traumatic loss of the person you are in love with. Romantically.
I’ll repeat that for the nosebleed section: the theme of loss in 15x18 is specifically stated through the repeated narrative motif of a character in love losing the one they are in love with.
This motif was established with Charlie losing Stevie and was furthered around the midpoint by Sam losing Eileen. Berens could have left the motif as a bookend, but he went one step further and had two deep losses in the narrative to create foreshadowing through this motif for the gut punch of the final loss. Why? I would assume because he really wanted those looking for it to know beyond a doubt that this narrative choice was intentional. And that it served a deeper purpose than simply creating a mirror moment of people losing each other.
(and yes I’m speaking for Berens and I shouldn’t but the writer/screenwriter/editor in me cannot fathom that this choice wasn’t intentional so I’m leaning on that as the basis of my assumption)
Again: the theme of loss in 15x18 is specifically stated through the repeated narrative motif of a character in love losing the one they are in love with.
And why did Berens choose a freshly in love and happy couple and then another not so freshly but equally narratively stated to be in love couple to tear apart in order to explore the theme of loss?
Because our final pair weren’t stated to be in love with each other because they couldn’t be outright stated. And yes it will hurt forfuckingever that they weren’t outright stated, but Berens still gave us an unequivocal statement through this intentional and deeply resonating motif. Because through it, he told us that Dean loves Cas back.
Charlie was in love with Stevie and was the one left to deal with the loss. Sam was in love with Eileen and was left to deal with the loss. So, it’s not a leap to assume we’re meant to understand that the person sitting with his head in his hands and having to deal with his loss is not simply dealing with the loss of his best friend (though that too) but the loss of the person he is in love with.
Dean might not have said the words, but Berens signalled Dean’s true feelings to us very loudly and very clearly.
I’ll always be grateful for that.
Happy 5th, lovelies!!
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