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#it sucks ive been having a bad time and everyone else seems to want to kind of stay here forever and i just

waywardsalt · 1 year

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thinking abt linebeck’s coat. something very alluring about it for some reason. so im just gonna ramble about it here instead of in the tags for once

you can probably start a fight between the people who think it’s a coat and people who think it’s a jacket but i think it’s a coat moving on

the character designs are interesting to look at due to the proportions and art style so it is hard to imagine how long his coat would be but i think it would go down to a bit above ankles because i think that’s good. it’s a bit more dramatic a bit more impressive(?) that way and would probably lead to problems tbh

based on some of the official art i imagine that the stripe at the bottom might’ve been a late addition since it’s missing in the bit of official art most used to represent linebeck. tbh linebeck is inconsistent in very tiny ways in the official art but that’s mostly if you’re gonna be nit-picky or bored enough to notice

his coat is so good it’s simple but very recognizable and stands out among the other character designs in ph and its just. yknow good character design

its also surprisingly good for headcanons and stuff and because i mostly take a lot of canon as suggestion i have a good handful of headcanons tagged specifically onto his coat (one of which is the length of it ig)

i like to imagine that he made it himself. i’ve seen stuff where people write linebeck as being able to fix link’s tunic when it gets torn and i feel like the logical extreme of that is that he made his own coat. i think that adds a layer of. importance to it? it’s unique it’s solely linebeck’s it’s tied to him because he made it with his own hands and maybe it can represent something about him that way?

i like to imagine that in addition to the normal pockets one the outside he’s got a whole lot of little pockets on the inside of the coat, like so many pockets that he hides little trinkets or tools or things he steals in either to keep or to take back to his ship for whatever reason. some of the pockets have little flaps of whatever they’re called that can be secured in place with a small button to keep stuff in

he’s got like pencils and a compass and little notes and tiny figurines and cool rocks and feathers and all kinds of little things he thought was worth keeping around and due to that his coat is uncomfortable sometimes but if he knows for certain he’s going to be busy doing stuff he’ll empty out all of the pockets and only leave the important stuff so that it’s lighter and less uncomfortable. link finds his coat lying around at some point and is caught so badly off-guard by how surprisingly heavy it is with all of the bullshit he keeps in all of his pockets

i also imagine he values it a lot, maybe to the point of being really possessive and protective of it, not letting link touch it and if it gets torn or stained he shuts down and has to fix it before he can move on to anything else, and if he can’t fix it at the time it leave him kind of overwhelmed or upset until he can fix it. he has a lot stocked-up materials specifically for his coat to avoid a situation where he has to go for while with his coat damaged

backing away from headcanon territory, his coat is just a cool bit of character design and has just been lodged in my mind for a while. its cool and never brought up within the game (obviously) and i guess a last little closing thought is that in the cutscene where oshus teleports link above linebeck it kinda looks like his coat moves when he tries to catch link and i think that’s cool

#afraid of clogging ph tag so ill just tag this as #linebeck #character development not hiding in the tags this time #salty talks #this is how i talk on discord but i fear initiating social interaction so heres this #im in some kind if weird denial ever since that last totk trailer bc i think ive been lowkey constantly overwhelmed ever since seeing it #ugh. i miss linebeck. totk scares me and so does the fact that i cant get myself to be as excited as everyone else seems to be able to be #typing this was painful bc i turned off my autocorrect on my phone a while back bc it fucking sucked and now its like #man i am bad at typing on a phone holy SHIT #coat post thinking about linebeck helps me feel good. also projection he’s my go-to for projection when like anything happens #i imagine his coat as like. a comfort item to some degree. like it’s something he made himself and he’s had it for a very long time #like i have a comfort item or two of my own so its like. yeah i get how it feels to worry about it getting damaged or lost #so within the bounds of my ideas linebeck cares about his coat in a similar manner he does his ship. hes autistic abt both of them #his scarf falls into this category too but that actually has more actual backstory about it bc i can’t be normal about anything about him #still talking in the tags. oh well. im going to snap #i have planned a 17 chapter linebeck backstory. this is not related to that but i feel like its worth just. mentioning #i could probably make his coat represent some aspect of his identity if i wanted. like. maybe its a representation of what he really wants #i keep the coat in most au designs but the two au designs that dont have the coat are where linebeck’s identity is a bit fucked

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ellecdc · 2 months

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Mother, im sitting here at 4am, eating mini easter eggs and ive had tge most brilliant idea!! (Inspired by @inkdrinkerworld 's fic)

Okay so, poly!moonwater and readers been having trouble sleeping due to tensions/problems with her pureblood family. As a result shes been taking more naps, but they arent restful. So reader were napping in Rems bed (the dungeons were too cold) but after a fitful 30 minutes she gets up groggy, sleep deprived and beyond frustrated. She stumbles her way down to the common room, pin point Sirius lounging across the couch and promptly throws herself down to cuddle with him and continue her nap. Everyone (minus Siri) is shook. Jamie even asks if she got the wrong person because Reggie was sitting over there (in which he got a one eyed death glare before she burrowed into Siris chest and passed out).

Now, what everybody else didnt know was that Siri had more or less adopted reader as his own (she remined him so much of Reggie, being her big brother was 2nd nature). And while Barty was her person, he was a little too crazy to be comforting in this situation ("y/n, i'll get rid of them for you. Its not hard to do so" "Barty, no."). And of course Siri nows how bad their kind of familys are so he'd been taking care of reader on the down low as an older brother would.

Bonus if Reggie then decides that looks warm and fuzzy and wants Siri cuddles too so he joins ( it took him so long to get to a point where he could let himself be vunerable enough to openly allow Siri to take care of him 😭)

aweeee poor reader. this ended up being way more serious than I thought it would be? like it's not funny at all, there's no humour (which feels odd to me, usually I can throw some jokes or banter in there) but plenty of hurt comfort???.......idk, I can't tell if this is any good, it feels very different from my usual pieces

poly!moonwater x fem!reader whose family sucks (but it's very Sirius-centric)

CW: mentions of insomnia, mentions of abusive families, making fun of only children (sorry), hurt/comfort

You were miserable to say the least; you couldn’t remember when the last time you had a restful sleep was, and nothing you did seemed to help.

The closer it got to the Winter Holidays, the more your mind seemed to spiral. Every time you began to relax, your heart pounded as if you’d accidentally leaned too far back in your chair, reminding you of your upcoming visit home. Every time you closed your eyes, you were bombarded with images of angry faces and violent curses being shot at you.

The Slytherin dungeons were too cold, and every time you found your way into Regulus’ dorm, Barty insisted on butting in, and though you appreciated his support, you couldn’t handle his threats promises to burn down your home with your parents in it.

Remus and Regulus both suggested you perhaps talk to Madame Pomfrey about getting some dreamless sleep or sleeping draught, but you were too embarrassed to admit to your two overprotective boyfriends that you’ve used them so frequently during your life for this very reason that they had lost all efficacy.

It had gotten to the point that you managed to get the most sleep in the library bent over the table with your face on your book whilst Remus and Regulus did their work (and sometimes yours), and that honestly left you feeling more painfully tired than you had been before your nap.

So, you were nearly falling asleep at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall over your chicken and roast potatoes when Remus gently nudged you and suggested you go lie down for a bit and you wanted to weep into your potatoes which was only slightly less embarrassing than sleeping in them, causing him and Regulus to bring you up to Gryffindor tower.

You’d kicked them both out of the Marauders’ dorm room after some time – Remus for snoring and Regulus because the sound of him turning the pages of his book was distracting you. He promised to stop reading, but then he breathed too loudly and you started crying.

You were overtired, emotional, and running on fumes.

You’d counted puffskeins, you’d had a warm glass of milk, you’d taken off articles of clothing and reconfigured your outfit numerous times (which was currently Remus’ jumper and no pants), and you’d tried every position imaginable to no avail.

You think you might have perhaps gotten five minutes of sleep before you woke up with a start, a barely repressed scream grating through your teeth.

Feeling disturbingly weepy and no less groggy from your horrid sleep, you pulled on a pair of your sweatpants and grabbed the throw blanket from the end Remus’ bed before trudging down the stairs to the common room.

“You should have seen the look on Filch’s face- oh! Hi Y/N!” James called as you made your way over to the three-seater and stood over the black-haired boy currently occupying it.

“Oh, Trouble.” He cooed sympathetically at you before kicking his feet out, laying back, and opening his arms for you to join him. You quickly climbed on top of him, and he tucked you in between the back of the sofa and his side, bending your knee so that your thigh rested on top of his, and pulled the blanket over the two of you.

You let out a shaky sigh and felt the first few tears fall from your eyes and onto Sirius’ chest.

“Uhm...” James said loudly, looking over to both Regulus and Remus cuddled in a large plush chair from his place on the loveseat with Lily like ‘are you seeing this right now?’. “I think you’ve got the wrong wizard there, L/N.” He said with a nervous laugh.

“No, she’s quite alright.” Sirius gritted back at him, looking far more severe than James thought the situation called for as he rubbed his hand consolingly up and down your arm.

James looked to your boyfriends, his face clearly asking all the questions that his mouth wasn’t.

“He helps, sometimes.” Regulus admitted, not looking particularly happy that you chose his brother over him, but not nearly as murderous as James figured he might look if he’d found Lily snuggled up like that with some other bloke. And it appeared as though the look of heartbreak on Remus’ face was caused more by your current sorry state and less about your current cuddle partner.

“But...your brother?” James asked, still befuddled over this development. “Doesn’t she usually go to Junior for things like this?”

Sirius scoffed. “Junior’s solution to almost anything is fire or murder.”

“Or both.” You whimpered quietly, causing Sirius to tighten his arm around you and bring his other hand up to continue stroking your arm.

“Besides, Barty’s an only child.” Regulus said flippantly.

“What’s that got to do with it?” James asked, slightly offended at the insinuation that anything may be wrong with him on account of his only child-ness.

Regulus’ irritable demeanor over Sirius usurping you was quickly replaced by a cocky smirk at getting under James’ skin.

“Let me ask you this, Potter: last summer when Lily returned your letters unopened and called you an arrogant toerag after saying she’d rather date the giant squid, whose arms did you cry into?”

“He didn’t cry.” Lily laughed at the same time as James answered “Sirius’” without any hesitation.

“What?” Lily asked, looking slightly horrified that she may have actually hurt James’ feelings.

“Oh, all the time, every time, actually.” James said readily.

“He got snot on so many of my favourite band-tee’s, Red. As a matter of fact, I expect retribution.” Sirius commented.

“And why do you think you cried into Sirius’ arms?” Regulus continued.

“Well...because he’s my best mate.” James said simply.

“You may think that’s the reason, but you’re wrong. It’s because Sirius is an older brother.”

James scoffed at that. “Please, that has nothing to do with it!”

“Have you ever cried in Remus’ arms?”

“No, but-”

“Pettigrew’s?”

James grimaced but answered honestly. “No.”

“No. Because they’re not older brothers.” Regulus said definitively.

“That actually makes sense...” Lily mused aloud.

“You say that like you’re surprised, Evans. I know you’re not used to good idea’s coming out of men’s mouths, but I do assure you it happens more frequently than you might imagine.” Regulus taunted, earning him a pillow being hurled at his head.

Much to James’ chagrin, his seeker reflexes caught the pillow before it made impact with his face.

“Tosser.” James grumbled.

“Would you guys shut up.” Sirius whispered, causing everyone to look over at you.

Regulus couldn’t even find it in him to be miffed when he saw you sleeping what looked to be quite peacefully in Sirius’ arms. Your eyes were slightly swollen from your tears, and he could see the tracks they had left on your cheeks and over the bridge of your nose, but you looked so content.

“So... all big brothers know how to do that?” James asked incredulously.

“I doubt it.” Sirius commented quietly.

“Only ones who know what it’s like to live in a Pureblood hellscape and needed to share his bed with his younger brother who was too scared to sleep on his own for years.” Regulus added quietly, staring unseeingly towards you and Sirius. Remus pulled Regulus tighter into his side and began rubbing his arm consolingly.

Suddenly, things started to make a little more sense to James.

“I’ll write to mum.” James stated, causing both brothers, Lily, and Remus to look at him bemusedly.

“About what?” Remus asked finally.

“Y/N staying with us.” James said simply.

Regulus opened his mouth ready to argue; to argue that James didn’t have to and that he already took in both Sirius and Regulus. James didn’t owe Regulus anything.

But Sirius spoke first.

“She should be with her big brother, Reggie.” Sirius said, shooting him an encouraging smile and wink.

And seeing how your breathing had fallen even with your mouth slightly ajar as you clutched to the fabric of Sirius’ jumper like it was a lifeline, who was Regulus to argue?

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psiroller · 30 days

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cheesecake date (◡‿◡✿) (18+)

slight cw for disordered eating irt chilchuck's weight management possibly being an extension of his self loathing (im being a little dramatic sorry its really not that serious here they are just boys sharing a gay meal)

another piece of a larger fic ive been working on, a more freeform, relationship-oriented sequel to break the lock

The idea had been to linger around the tavern long enough for the rest of the party to wander out on their own, but Laios’ entrée arrived and Falin had made herself quite comfortable across the table from Chilchuck. Laios munched away cluelessly at his croquette as Chilchuck slumped further and further behind the protective shield of his beer stein.

“Falin,” Marcille whined. “Are you really going to chaperone them all night?”

Chilchuck’s eye twitched and he considered, not for the first time over the course of this eventful night out, just bailing and walking home on his own. If he tapped out now, Falin would probably back off, he wouldn’t have to try to make conversation with Laios, and everyone could move on with their lives, but he also wouldn’t maybe get his dick wet, so.

“I just want to know Laios is going to be okay,” Falin said, slow and deliberate. Chilchuck could feel his movement speed and defense dropping. Could a cleric debuff somebody without chanting or touching them? Falin was an exceptional mage, of course, but that wasn’t exactly reassuring.

“I’ll be fine,” Laios said, giving her an affectionate punch to the shoulder. “Really. Chilchuck and I were just going to—discuss the hunt, hash things out. Go over strategies to keep this kind of thing from happening again.” Chilchuck’s eyebrows raised. Even if nobody was buying it, it was a more graceful attempt to skirt the obvious implication than he would have given Laios credit for. “You’ve been wanting to catch up on The Daltian Clan with Marcille, right?”

Falin’s judicious gaze shifted to Laios; Chilchuck sucked in a breath of air, suddenly aware of how badly his lungs hurt. Marcille, meanwhile, shook Falin’s shoulder.

“Y-yeah! I have a new relationship chart drawn up and everything. We haven’t had a girl’s night in forever, Falin, please?”

Falin softened, closing her eyes gently. “Very well.”

The mood had gone icy, but Laios was undaunted. He cut out a long slice of his croquette and plopped it on Chilchuck’s plate, which had accumulated a few peanut shells over the course of the evening and little else.

“Ah.” Chilchuck waved the helping away. “I’m watching my—” “It’s a special occasion,” Laios said. “Go on.”

Chilchuck leered at Laios, took a rebellious sip of his ale before indulging him. He stabbed a hitherto unused fork into the cutlet and took a big bite out of it. His sour expression softened up as he chewed.

“Not bad,” Chilchuck ceded, and Laios seemed suspiciously happy about that. Falin stood up from the table, and Marcille hiked up her skirt to jump from the bench. She was trying to play it cool, but there was a certain giddiness in Marcille’s restrained smile that Chilchuck recognized.

“We’re meeting up next week at the usual time, right?” “That’s the plan,” Laios nodded. “I’ll keep an eye on job postings over the weekend, so I should have a lead by then.”

Marcille and Laios grinned at each other in an unspoken agreement as Marcille looped an arm around Falin’s elbow. “See you then!” she giggled, tugging Falin along. Chilchuck decided to fixate on the delicate crust of the pork cutlet instead of whatever that meant; there were a few spices he recognized from home, some rosemary rubbed into the pork.

“See you around, Chilchuck.” A heavy hand clapped on Chilchuck’s shoulder and shoved him playfully, nearly making him choke. “Don’t be too rough on the guy, alright? He’s learned his lesson.” Namari let out a raunchy laugh when Chilchuck whipped around, scandalized. Laios didn’t flinch; he dropped another slice of his croquette onto Chilchuck’s plate.

“It’s good, isn’t it?” Red pulsed at the edges of Chilchuck’s vision as he was redirected off of Namari’s back to Laios’ face, flushed from drink and sporting an easy smile. Chilchuck’s blood pressure was beginning to become a problem here. “They make the breadcrumbs in house.”

“Melini pork is something else,” Chilchuck muttered around his mouthful. “It’s fattier here than it is back home. Pigs are living free and easy in this climate, I guess.”

“It’s really interesting how the environment an animal is raised in affects the meat,” Laios said, staring off into the blurry space just beyond their table. Chilchuck grimaced as he realized what he’d just done to the conversation. “Up north, the pork’s tough. We have long-haired, hardy pigs. They get lean and mean and muscular once the winter comes.”

Chilchuck chuckled, despite himself. “You were raised on a pig farm? That explains a lot.”

“We had a variety of livestock,” Laios shrugged. “I guess it still counts as being raised in a barn, though. I slept in the hayloft quite a few times.”

Chilchuck snorted into his ale. “I don’t get you,” Chilchuck leaned forward onto the table, not having to go very far, and folded his arms on the damp, yeasty wood. Laios, for whatever reason, leaned in with him.

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” Laios laughed, a painful edge to his smile.

Chilchuck’s throat went dry, and he washed it down with more ale. Laios reeled in the plate of cheesecake he’d been saving for dessert. The frozen raspberries on top had melted a bit, pink juice staining the immaculate eggshell white of the cake itself and pooling in the center of the plate. He thought about it for a second, then pushed it over to Chilchuck.

“You want the first bite? You paid for it.”

Chilchuck swallowed hard and coughed up some panko. “Why are you feeding me like some kind of—never mind. I have to stay light on my feet. Keeps me from triggering pressure plates inadvertently. You eat it.”

Laios cocked his head quizzically, his flushed high cheekbones pressed into his knuckles. He held out a clean fork, handle side out. Safety first. “A bite’s not going to kill you, Chilchuck. You gotta put weight back on before we head back in anyway.”

Chilchuck opened his mouth to yell, but something stopped him. Laios waggled the silverware expectantly, and Chilchuck snatched it out of his hands. He stabbed straight down the middle of the slice, through a soggy raspberry and the wedge of cake, and carved out a piece, getting the most out of his begrudged portion. Laios watched unblinkingly as Chilchuck wrapped his chapped lips around the tines of the fork. Chilchuck’s eyes glittered.

“Well?”

“It’s alright,” Chilchuck shrugged, quickly stealing another bite before handing the fork back to Laios. There was a smug look on his face that Chilchuck wanted to wipe off. Laios finally had a piece and melted when it touched his tongue.

“Tastes more than alright to me,” Laios hummed. “You’re funny.” “Funny how?” “It’s just cake, Chilchuck.” Laios passed the fork. “You bought it, you like it, but you can’t say so.” “Are you calling me a coward?” “I’m saying that we can share. It’s not such a big deal.”

Chilchuck grumbled something in his mother tongue. He scooped up another piece and focused on the sour tang of the cream cheese instead, the delicate crumbled crust soaked through with fruit juice.

“It’s probably the best cheesecake I’ve ever had,” Chilchuck admitted. Laios clapped his hands and cheered.

“There you go! Wasn’t that nice?” “It’d be nicer if you could shut your cakehole so I can enjoy this in peace.”

Laios grinned. “Why’s it so hard to admit what you want?” Chilchuck’s eyes rolled, but he wasn’t getting up from the table. He chewed on an extra-large piece and passed the fork back to Laios to finish it off. Laios took his time to savor the last, eyes closed and mind distant from the overwhelming chatter around them, drunken jeering and bubbling laughter.

“Most people don’t ask,” Chilchuck said. Laios’ eyes opened. “So I’m asking. What do you want?”

Chilchuck flushed from his ears to his throat and slammed the last of his ale.

#ficroller #dungeon meshi #chilaios #preview #laios' autistic swagger is getting to him majorly

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nekropsii · 4 days

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i think theres a really big issue in the community specifically surrounding the people who headcanon dave as some sort of trans where both sides of the coin seem to hate each other? like both sides are at fault here, ive seen blogs demeaning people who like transmasc dave and then like you said other people just completely disregarding transfem dave. guys. can we stop. let people headcanon what they want without blatantly attacking them, this goes for all parties in this issue. i dont get why people act like this. the fuck happened to all trans people being equal and then we get both transmisoginy and harassment of people liking either of the trans headcanons?

jesus man. im tired of it

Respectfully, I do not think this is a “Both Sides” situation.

The concept of transmasc Dave is objectively one of the most popular headcanons in the Homestuck fandom, and it has been for years. I think I can excuse people who headcanon transfem Dave for “hating it”, because as I have been trying to fucking say this entire time, people keep correcting me on my own posts about transfem Dave on my own blog, and belittling me for thinking this way. And since I’ve asked people to maybe interrogate why they feel the need to correct me and patronize me and to stop fucking doing that, I’ve been getting inundated with people trying to mansplain and traumadump to me how me saying to not correct me and patronize me for having a transfem headcanon is oppressing them and that trans men also have it bad, as if I literally ever insinuated that they do not have it tough.

You do not get to “Both Sides” me on a discussion about my experience when I have never - and I mean NEVER - received this level of heat for headcanoning a character as literally anything else. I have NEVER gotten “corrected” for headcanoning a character as gay, or transmasculine, or black, or a lesbian - only now, when I headcanon a character as a trans woman, am I getting people correcting me, condescending me, telling me some really fucking personal traumas to explain to me I’m “in the wrong” for being upset about the correction and condescension, very obviously making assumptions about my sex, gender, and what I’ve been through in my life, making negative assumptions about my intelligence, and putting a fuck ton of words in my mouth.

I am speaking from my own experience here. I am sorry if that hurts anyone’s feelings, but that much cannot be taken from me. From my experience, this is not “Both Sides”, this is very clearly one side with far greater numbers giving another flack for not assimilating, and when that other side tries to say what’s going on, they’re treated as an aggressor, and treated like a petulant idiot child.

Before anyone puts any more words in my god damn mouth:

I literally never said no one could HC Dave as transmasculine, or that they were wrong for thinking that way. I have outright said the opposite, that it is fine and that I do not care. HOWEVER, I sure as hell am experiencing people telling me that I am wrong for HCing her as a woman.

I literally never, and I mean NEVER, said or insinuated that trans men do not suffer, especially under the patriarchy. I am not an idiot, I know how the patriarchy works, it hurts literally everyone that doesn’t conform to an incredibly, incredibly narrow white non-queer cishetero male ideal. I am also not an idiot, I know that transphobia will exist no matter what you identify as, and it will suck absolute horseshit. Neither “side” has it “easy”, every type of transphobia has an uncomfortably, terrifyingly high body count. I never fucking said trans men do not have it hard. Stop putting those words in my mouth.

Literally all I said was that it’s fucking weird that I’ve never been treated this way until I headcanoned a character as a trans woman, and maybe to interrogate that because people sure seem comfortable acting this way, and that-

This is Transmisogyny.

And if there’s anything else I’ve learned from this, it’s that-

HIT DOGS HOLLER.

#homestuck #cw transphobia #cw transmisogyny #nekro.sms

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havin-fun-imagining-twd · 1 year

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He hasn't been himself

What -- we're still in S02E05 Chupacabra, and Daryl gets some stitches (courtesy of you), T-Dog teases you about calling that mangy hick so many pet-names, and you come face to face with your big brother Shane's descent into something that you're afraid of you don't recognize.

Relationships/ is there fluff? -- yes! found-family fluff and slowww-burn Daryl x Reader fluff

Perspective - 2nd you, 3rd Daryl at the end

When - right after Spell your last name, please. when Daryl is getting some medical attention after his very rough, hell of a day

Pronouns - neutral, y'all

TWs - some language, and light discussion of giving sutures (stitches), and Daryl's significant scarring (the result of child abuse) is mentioned

I always do my assigned reading, what chapters will help with context? XD -- all of them muahahahaha Start with souls stripped bare, then the Invisible, tugging strings Part 1 and Part 2, then of course Spell your last name, please.

is there a crappy screenshot of the mangy hick? -- yes, you'll be embarrassed on my behalf.

Masterlist -- Official One here, purely chronological one here :)

Have fun and happy reading!

You

Because Maggie and everyone else but Hershel and Rick are leaving the room, you use your uninjured side to take over maintaining pressure on Daryl's head wound.

That he wanted specifically you to stay made that strange, invisible string on your chest tug more. And that you had to curl your arm gently around him so you could press the rag down properly didn’t escape your notice. Neither was the way his hand just brushed against yours to take over for you.

While you’re waiting for the tugging string to give it a rest, Patricia mumbles to you that she’ll come back in to help clean Daryl’s head once Hershel gives the okay.

“Daryl, is this about what you found?” Rick asks.

“Hell yeah it is.”

More quietly, he wants to know “Would it be alright if Shane and Carol came in, too, or is it better if it’s just Shane?”

You think he means if what Daryl had to tell him was good or bad news regarding Sophia.

“You and Shane seem to be a package deal,” Daryl grunts in response.

“Like a BOGO sale,” is your unhelpful, dumb comment to yourself followed by a more helpful, “Oh snap, doc, his second bag is empty already,” when you see his IV fluids are drained again.

A blunt, “Remove it and bandage him,” answers that. “The wax for the needle point is in my kit.” Mr. Greene’s patience gauge is pointing to the E, that much is plain.

While you’re busy taking out the IV catheter (guess what!—this time you did the venipuncture and IV setup! You can do that now!) and pressing a gauze pad to the site, Rick lets your brother in.

Shane seems kinda terse when he hands over the search map and squats on the little ottoman.

Rick places the map on the bed in front of Daryl, then kneels down to face him.

Before anything is said, Mr. Greene points to the bloodied rag that Daryl is not pressing down like you’d directed. “Are you able to maintain firm, constant pressure, or will Rick have to assist you?”

“I can hold a rag,” he responds back in that…unpleasant way he’s got.

You make a face at him. Rudeness is bad enough, but 1.) rudeness to the host, 2.) to the host who’s offering medical care, and 3.) whose horse he’d stolen borrowed without asking and now lost, and 4.) who is about to teach you stitching, and 5.) was using/had used a ton of his own stock of medical supplies? Who 6.) also just lost a man he considered family because of helping your group, like dude?

Daryl. Use a tablespoon of that gentleness you got in there.

Hershel looks at you, and you hope he sees the apology in your eyes.

“Y/N, if you’re going to observe,” he begins, pulling the towel off Daryl’s back and putting it aside. “Wash your hands again with me in the chlorhexidine solution and position yourself on this edge of the bed, there.”

It sucks that you’re all out of gloves. You’ll have to add that to the supply list, along with IV fluid if possible. Fortunately, there was enough chlorhexidine as well as iodine to sanitize, plus the leftover doxycycline but don’t get you started on how that’s unsafe antibiotic use, there’s only so much you can do.

Under his breath, Hershel explains, “We used the clamp and forceps during the boy’s emergency, but they aren’t sterilized. Stitches are best done with a clamp, but as you can see, it will be just our fingers today.”

Thankfully, you have clamps in the med-bag, you’ll donate one.

“Shane, in the med bag, there's a small bag with blue stripes, in it are two clamps,” you call over. “Grab one for me?”

“Swirl it in the solution first,” Mr. Greene requests. “Y/N, did you observe the two times you were stitched, and when Theodore had his?”

“Not the first time.” You shake your head. “But I did watch when Teddy got his, when you did Carl’s, and when Miss Patricia redid mine earlier.”

“She what?” your brother cuts in.

You idiot, Y/N.

“Y/N, what happened that you got stitched up again?”

You’d not told him on purpose. It’s not like you did anything wrong in not telling him, but you immediately feel overheated and guilty as if you had.

You reach out to accept the clamp from him. “Yeah, she checked them earlier,” you do your best to reply in a way that would imply it as being a routine course of action. That didn't count as a lie, right?

Mr. Greene to the rescue: “Y/N, watch what I do, then copy it on your own when I say. I’ll guide you along.” He holds up a small packet. “This is called a swaged needle. There's no eye, the thread is part of the needle. An ordinary straight needle can be used, likewise regular thread, in an emergency, but ideally a curved and swaged is best for obvious reasons. Cleanliness would be a concern, for one.” He opens the packet, points to Daryl’s side.

You sit where he asks and look at Daryl’s wound.

Hershel continues: “We’ll do a simple continuous stitch, the pattern is straightforward. If Daryl pops them, then I suppose you’ll learn how to do interrupted suturing. It’s time-consuming, but more secure.”

That your eyes travel down Daryl’s back again isn’t intentional, but there they get stuck, the same way your eyes had gotten stuck staring at it earlier when you’d helped remove his shirt.

The poor man.

What you thought you saw earlier, back at the house, was correct. Scars. Very big ones.

It looks like the tattoos he’s got on his upper back are partially to cover/distract from some of them on the more visible places up near his shoulders and neck.

A lot more money for a lot more ink would’ve been needed to try concealing the rest of what that person did, those scars were very thick and wide. And no, an accident would not have made such specific scarring, unfortunately, how those got there had to have been deliberate. Scattered all around were cigarette burns, too, some in patterns.

Statistically, it was probably a parent or parental figure.

Mr. Greene’s hand passes over your line of vision as he calls your name. You blink out of it, see his finger wag as if to say ‘don’t look at them anymore.’

After wiping your eyes with your forearm so as to not contaminate your hands, he points to the spot and nods once. “Daryl, I’m going to begin. It will pinch, then burn. Stay still.”

You cringe as the needle goes in. The invisible string tugs when you see Daryl’s breathing pattern hitch and his muscles clench in discomfort. Your stomach tells your eyes to look away when the skin tugs as the needle exits and the thread is lightly pulled.

“Then use the tool to gently bring it across like so,” Mr. Greene murmurs, “going slowly with the thread.” He does two more, then pauses. “Alright, now take over.”

Already?

“Rest in peace, bud,” you joke, whether to ease Daryl or yourself. It’s an insane blessing you have the doxycycline, is all you’re saying.

Slowly you thread the needle, as smoothly as you can. You use a low angle to pull it all through and gently hold the skin down to reduce how much it pulls…oh my gosh, you’re giving sutures right now. “You have my leave to cuss me out if it’s hurtin’ too bad.”

“Ain’t nothing.”

“There’s that phrase, dude,” you quietly tease, focused on closing the wound and Mr. Greene’s silent guidance.

Daryl must be doing okay (or is toughing it out like a champ), because he starts to talk to Rick. “Right around here is where I saw the doll, see where the creek bends there?”

“Was it on top of the ridge, or down by the creekbed?”

“Creekbed, right near a waterfall. Spotted it from up top.”

“Was there a little camp or any tracks?”

“None that I saw. My guess is she was thirsty, but got her feet stuck in the mud and needed both hands to get out. Or somethin’ made her run again.” He stops pressing the rags to his head to look at the bleeding for a quick second.

Shane speaks up. “You run into any walkers by that spot there?”

“Yeah.”

“How many.” Not really a question.

You lose your focus for a moment, hearing his tone and being disappointed and a little frightened by it, so you pause the suturing. Breathe slowly and bite your tongue.

“Why? They friends of yours?” Daryl tosses at him, completely unphased even if dickish. You’re on his side with this one. “They wouldn’t have been a problem if I wasn’t stuck on my back with a bolt stickin’ out of me.”

Shane raises his eyebrows as if to say “See? Told you,” then licks his teeth but doesn’t say anything other than: “Yeah, so I just wanna be realistic about this. Think we all do.”

“Daryl, I’m all ears,” jumps in Rick, ever the decent human being diplomat. “Can you tell us more?”

Mr. Greene taps you and directs you to get back to it.

Daryl tells Rick, “I’m thinkin’ the doll flowed downstream a ways after the rains yesterday, see the area closer to the road, there? I’d check around there.”

“I’ll take some people there tomorrow.”

“Not now?”

“Sun’s going down.”

Without looking up as you resume your work, you know Daryl will understand. His own words were 'Out in the dark’s no good.'

Rick then points to the map. “This spot here?”

Daryl hums in agreement and nods at wherever he’d showed him. “She must have dropped it crossin’ there somewhere.”

Rick looks back at your older brother and tells him “Cuts the grid almost in half,” as if it were a plea.

And just as you and Mr. Greene finish stitching him back up, Daryl grates in the most unattractive way possible, “Yeah, you’re welcome.”

Rick whips out his skill at de-escalation again. As poor Hershel has to quickly remind you to snip the suture from remaining thread in the packet (you legit forgot, so he does it for you), Rick turns the focus on the patient. “How’s he looking?”

“I had no idea we’d be going through the antibiotics so quickly.”

Fair enough.

Hershel then washes his hands again, so you do the same. “Any idea what happened to my horse?” he then states more than questions, in the way you might confront a teenager who left their dirty clothes on the kitchen floor after sports practice.

And God save him, that mangy hick has no shame. Caught red-handed, he still yips like a grumpy little coonhound, “Yeah, the one who almost killed me? If it’s smart, it left the country.”

You either just huffed, tutted, scoffed, groaned, or made all four at once. RIP invisible, tugging string.

Mr. Greene’s response implies his generosity, which makes you feel shame on Daryl’s behalf all the more. “We call that one Nelly. As in Nervous Nelly. I could have told you she’d throw you if you’d bothered to ask.”

Your friend says nothing back. He stays quiet, and simply twists onto his back and starts spacing out at the ceiling, pressing the rag to his head and looking as if he feels very small and very tired.

His eyes close—and you remember that he’s just been through hell and back. He almost died how many times today?

As annoyed and on-guard as he is, Mr. Greene was offering him due kindness and patience when he didn’t get overly short with him.

Still, the way the older gentleman next chides in the most graciously Southern way possible, “It’s a wonder you people have survived this long,” strikes you as having such dry comedic timing that now you’re the only one cracking up in a room full of uncomfortable people.

It doesn’t stay full of uncomfortable people for long; Shane and Rick see themselves out.

When the door opens, you spot Lori in her worried-position (on the floor with her knees curled toward her chest). As she leaps up from the floor to see Rick, you give her a little wave before the door is once more shut.

Quiet and stillness passes over the room. You breathe out. Breathe in.

Okay, it's probably just about time to clean up and bandage Daryl’s head.

You turn to see him still laying there on his back, eyes still closed. By the looks of it, he wanted to cover up; he’s pulled the side of the quilt over his stomach. You take the towel you’d used to give him some modesty earlier and gently drape it over his exposed abdomen.

But your big brother’s voice sounds through the door before you can do anything else.

The beginning of whatever he said, you don’t catch, but it doesn’t matter. You hear enough. “…Hershel on this one. Can’t keep goin’ out there, not after this.”

Rick is saying something back, but his voice is softer and you can’t make out as much of it. “Daryl” “risked,” and “first, hard evidence” gives you the gist, as does Shane’s response to him:

“That’s one way to look at it. Way I see it, Daryl almost died today for a doll.”

“Yeah, I know the way you see it.” Rick’s footsteps then fade down the hall.

On the other side of the door, your pulse thumps in your ears. Your breathing is faster than it should be.

Shaney still has that little girl written off?

“Y/N,” Mr Greene calls from the bedside.

Before you calm yourself down enough to turn to help Hershel, your brother starts talking again.

He’s whispering, but it’s still recognizable enough that you hear every word. “I’m not out to be a hard case, just bein’ realistic. He’s just gotta start making the tough calls.”

Shane's speaking to Lori, then?

His footsteps are moving down the hall, and you quietly open the door in time to hear him mutter, “You know I’m right.”

Door now open, your fist grips the knob and doesn’t let go.

“I may not agree with all his choices, but I respect him,” Lori states.

With all she's got going on, she shouldn’t have to deal with how much Shane has changed for the worse. In fact, in your gut you don't want your brother even near her, now that you know they’d been intimate. And that she’s pregnant…

You miss her first few words, but do hear “Your way isn’t harder, it’s…it’s the easiest thing in the world to cut our losses and to not help. You keep telling yourself you’re making the tough calls, you’re really just trying to justif—”

He cuts her off by mumbling, “—The only thing I care about now in this world is Y/N, you and Carl. So I, apologize if I appear to be insensitive to the needs of others, but see, I’ll do whatever it takes to keep the three of you safe.”

His words aren't a put-on, that's what alarms you. You know what smooth or schmoozy Shane sounds like; but that there was genuine.

Lori calmly shakes her head and walks toward him, placing her hand on his shoulder. “Even abandoning a lost child?” she prompts. “Really?”

She sounds like she expects Shane to snap out of it and think better on it. To remember his goodness.

But.

To the woman that his best friend since childhood married, and in the context of not caring about a missing, abused child, your brother instead tilts his head and offers Lori a small grin.

He’s…he just flirted with her.

Lori takes a step back.

Her back tightens, her head bows slightly. “My son and I are not your problem anymore. Or your excuse." She turns away. "As for Y/N, they’d be horrified to hear y—” she cuts off as you loose your grip on the doorknob, making noise, causing her to finally notice you standing there.

“You’re right, Lore, they would be,” you drawl, voice soft. “Sh-Shane, get out.”

Whatever he starts responding with, you don’t give a fuck, your softness vanishes as you growl back, “Get. Out.”

You link your good arm into Lori’s and take her down the hall to Carl’s room. She stops you from plowing through the door by holding you by the waist. You take a moment, turn toward her.

She looks you in the eyes and shakes her head, silently mouthing “Please.”

“I won’t,” you mouth back. Still, under your breath, you do stress “B-but he, he needs a leash. Rick can leash him.”

She looks into your eyes but says nothing back.

As soon as the door is open, your words charge out, “Ricky, Shane needs—

“—Mom! Y/N! Mr. Dixon found Sophia’s doll! The one Eliza gave her!” interrupts Carl, (crying and) grinning so wide that your cheeks are getting sore just looking at it.

You take in the room.

Carol and T-Dog are there along with Rick. Lori goes to her son, takes his hands and kisses them, Beth scoots in behind you holding three glasses of water.

Seeing your nephew helps you remember yourself, and you begin to smile back. Your lip wobbles. “He found her doll, little dude.”

Some tears decide to fall when you take a moment and lean against the wall.

Shane is scaring you.

You are frightened of your own brother.

And no, it's not just how he's been after Otis got killed, he hasn’t been himself. He’s scaring Lori, you saw it just now—and this is before he even knows about the new baby, oh my God how are you going to fix this? God, Shane doesn’t even care—doesn’t understand—that a clear sign of Sophia was found today.

And, and he doesn’t care about anyone else here, either, not even about Rick? “The only thing I care about in this world is Y/N, you and Carl.”

If that was really just him trying to flirt or whatever, you aren’t sure whether you’re more disgusted that he claimed to not care about jack-shit else to do it, or that he was saying something that awful not only to flirt but to flirt with a married woman. His best friend’s wife.

That you’re at Rick’s side and murmuring low, “Shane’s a problem,” doesn’t register in your head until he’s replying with what’s pretty much a platitude: “He’ll see reason.”

Even coming from Rick, it doesn’t comfort you.

“But how to we fix it?” you whisper. “Ricky, it’s like I can’t see him anymore. I’m gettin' scared of h—” you stop what you’re saying, a little alarmed that you just started to confess it out loud.

Rick is quiet.

“He hasn’t been himself,” he admits.

Lori’s whispering cuts in, “Honey, w-what are you two talking about?”

You figure she’s scared that you’re telling Rick more than is your business, so you subtly shake your head, then ask “Lore, have you noticed Shane ain’t been himself?”

The expression on her face is controlled. “He hasn’t been.” And she turns to sit back down beside her son and takes one of his hands into hers.

Rick rubs your arm a few times, and nothing else is spoken.

Whatever, you need to get back.

You’re supposed to be helping patch Daryl up, not hiding moping in here like some idiot bitch.

Cursing yourself that not only did you admit to being scared of your brother, but that you’re scared at the possibility he’s still in the hallway, you hold your injured side to lessen the pain when you bend down to peck a kiss on Carl’s forehead. “I’m headin’ off, baby, to help with Mr. Dixon,” you mumble in goodbye.

“Wait, Y/N.”

You turn back around to see Carl giving you his—sneaky grin? Why, what’s he about to rag you about? “Mr. Douglas told me you called Daryl ‘baby’ like a hundred times after he fainted.”

“That ain’t true,” T-Dog cuts in. “Y/N, I’m sorry, he’s mistaken.” He turns to Carl.

Wait up, T-Dog’s doing his pout thing he does before teasing somebo—

“First off, Y/N was at it before he even passed out.”

*sigh*

“And it wasn’t just ‘baby’, it was also ‘honey’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘sugar.’ Oh yeah, and ‘mangy hick,’ gotta admit that one threw me.” He makes a particularly wide smile in your direction. “Can’t remember if they also called him ‘darlin’ or not, though.”

“However many times Y/N called him a sweet name, Mr. Dixon deserved every one and more,” Carol softly tells the room.

As for you, you must feel lighter, because now you’re smiling, too.

What's better, you’ve thought of a way you’ll feel safe comfortable if Shane’s still in the hallway (that won’t include taking Rick, because you’re pretty sure Lori needs him to feel safe comfortable right now).

“Theodore, will you walk me back to darlin’ baby sugar sweetheart Daryl’s room, please?”

“Walk you a whole six yards down the hall?”

“Please," you ask him more urgently than you'd intended.

He might could've noticed, because he quickly stands and goes to the door with you. "I'ma charge you for this, though."

"Naturally, how many of my jewels will it take?" you joke.

"You gotta call him 'mangy' again for me."

You snort so hard it makes your new stitches hurt. That's the easiest possible exchange he could've made. "Deal."

-------------------------

Him

When he heard from outside the door their soft, “Thank you, Teddy,” his muscles relax again.

He’d been worried. Last thing he knew, Shane must’ve been saying some bullshit, ’cause Y/N had dead-ass growled at him to “Get. Out.”

After two knocks, a pause, and a “Daryl, it’s me,” he realizes he’s gotta call back, “You’re good,” so they’d come in the room. Usually people knock and just bust in, it was real nice to have someone wait until he said it was cool.

He’s damn relieved they’re back and doing okay. Other than worried about whatever crap their brother was slinging around them, he’d felt…small, and, and naked without them in there. Now that they’re back, he feels safe, like he’s got clothes on again.

It’s the total opposite of earlier that morning, when he’d felt like Y/N had seen too much of him, and him too much of them. Didn’t feel like that no more.

“Well, you’re still lookin’ nice and mangy, so I guess I haven’t missed much,” his friend jokes, then shuts the door behind them.

Why did they just make a face to whoever was out in the hallway?

“Where’d Mr. Greene go?”

Daryl grunts, unsure.

Y/N sinks into the little footrest by the window. “We’ll get you some dinner in about an hour, okay, sugar?”

Another pet name, another weird feeling in his stomach and chest.

His friend stares out the window and massages their shoulder and neck. “Oh, are you thirsty?”

That he can answer. “The opposite.”

“Ah, let me help you get up—wait, maybe let’s wait for Patricia or the doc to get back, just in case. Can you hold it?”

He just grumbles back. Ain’t like he’s two years old, of course he can hold it. "What's the deal with your brother? Heard him mouthing off."

"Yeah. He, um, he ain't been himself." Y/N grimaces as if there was a bad taste in their mouth, then covers their face, sighs, and changes the subject. “Should we might call today ‘rough,’ or pick a different adjective?”

No idea. Today was…“Today was somethin’ else.”

“Whoa, we’re going hardcore.”

He starts to crack up, which is how he learns that now, laughing makes his head and side ache.

“Crackin' up hurt, didn’t it?” they guess correctly.

A grunt passes as his “yes.”

His friend breathes in slowly, out just as slow. “When you’re up and at ’em again, I’m taking you with me to go light all the candles at that little church to help thank the heavens you got home alive.”

…he feels all warm and can hear his pulse again, what gives? Like, it’s just that he’d imagined Y/N talking about his coming “home” safe, it’s just weird it’s coming up again in real life. Not a bad weird, but still.

“Well,” they scrunch their nose and stare into space, “‘home’ might be different than the usual definition, but you know what I mean. You got back alive to us after all that, it’s—I dunno, God’s got plans for you yet, dude.”

Hadn’t had a friend say stuff like that to him before, so he just lays there like a beanbag.

Y/N is still still staring into space. “And like, all afternoon I had this tense…dread, that you were hurt. Kept explainin' it away, with a quick prayer just in case.” A chuckle. “We’ll bring Carol and Sophia with us when we go light those candles, deal?” Then they give him a look he can’t translate. “Right-o, bud, let me see that side of yours, I wanna admire my handiwork.”

Standing up with a wince, they walk to him. When he begins to slowly twist back onto his side, they stop him and tell him to stay comfortable. His stomach gets all funny again when he partly pulls aside the towel covering his abdomen and his friend gets close.

Y/N starts to put their hip on the bed, then pauses. “Does it hurt you when the bed jostles, baby?”

His stomach goes all funny again. He’s, um, he’s hungry… “You’re good.”

And not a moment after sitting on the bed and exhaling does Y/N groan and start to jabber, “Oh, Moses, I just did it again, look how red you got. Tell me, did you feel redder when you knew how many of us were crowded around you like seagulls on french fry, or when I kept callin’ you pet names? T-Dog’s been poking fun at me for it.”

He…grunts again. It’s, um, he isn’t really sure what else to do, this isn’t a conversation he knows how to tackle. Hadn’t had a friend who called him a ton of pet-names while taking care of him after he’d pin-balled down a ridge twice and got a bolt lodged in his side and fought off two zombie bastards after dreaming up a conversation with Y/N and Merle.

Now Y/N is looking at him in the way they usually look at Glenn before they goof off together. “Wanna compare yours and mine right quick before they get back?”

Well, he hums this time instead of grunts, so that counts as conversation.

“Carl and I joked that we have temporary, sewn-in friendship bracelets. You’re in the club now, too, welcome!” They lift their shirt slowly, blocking the rest of their belly with their arm. Their stitches are up by their ribs aaaaaannd why are Daryl's goddamn cheeks feeling hot again?

“We both have white nylon thread. Carl got blue, though, real fancy,” Y/N says, cute smile on their face.

“He showed me his when I talked to him last night, actually.”

With a giggle, they nod. “Of course he did.”

The front door to the house opens, and the muffled voices of Dr. Farmer and Patricia sound outside the closed bedroom door.

Y/N looks back and forth from their stitches to his, then mumble to themself, “Miss Patricia definitely gave me a different stitch, check out the variations.”

Daryl couldn’t tell from the angle he was in, to be honest, but…“Yeah, mine are way better.”

Y/N deserves a compliment. And, dunno, he’s not an expert, but his side is probably sewed together nice. It’s not like it's still bleeding, right?

Y/N almost misses it. “Hey, the stitches Patricia gave me are grea—ohh.” Their face lights up, and they bop him on the arm. “Aww!”

Daryl feels the corners of his mouth raise. His shoulders relax.

Dr. Farmer Mr. Greene calls from the hall, “I’m opening the door,” and finally walks back in with Patricia.

---------------------------

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ladymirdan · 1 year

Text

I've had such an amazing day today.

I guess there is no secret that my interest in 40k has waned slightly recently.

I feel I get less and less comments on my posts/fics/art, despite getting a lot more followers (and with that, a lot more unhinged hate DMs) Ive started to feel like the hobby had lost that spark for me.

I've been into Warhammer for a loooong time.

I first got into the hobby (WH Fantasy) in 2003 and I was immediately hooked. I was blown away by how cool the worldbuilding was, but more importantly how friendly the community was.

My FLGS let me, a broke-ass student, sit and paint my army in store for literal hours on end. Always so happy to see me, despite me hardly ever buying anything. And let me tell you, I was a shy and awkward kid, and they always remembered my name and made me feel so welcome.

I haven't really engaged with Warhammer online until about a year and a half ago when I created my ao3 account. At first it seemed just as friendly as my offline experiences. But recently? I feel like I'm either ignored whenever I comment or try to interact with the community or worse, get told I suck or should go kill myself.

So I just felt it was time to maybe leave, (but I admit, the sunk cost makes it difficult) The only thing I really looked forward to was the minipainting classes I take once a week.

But today I got that magick feeling back. And remembered how much I love this hobby.

I went to my local GW for the new 10th edition 40k release. I’m a time pessimist as usual and arrived 1,5h early 😅 and found out there was only one other guy in line before me, but rather soon a bunch of other people showed up.

Everyone was sooo excited to be there and I made a bunch of new friends in line.

Then I got in and ordered my box (and I also managed to snag the special edition signed book that is a tie in with the box! That felt so much fun, I have never managed to get one of those before despite really trying).

I also got some of the new Death Guard Space Marine Heroes packs. A kid behind me in the queue also got some because he wanted a specific hero (that he unfortunately didn't get) I suggested I open my packs and see if I got one and then we could trade. I did get that model, and he was so excited and thankful, it really made my day since I didnt care that much for that particular model, but to him it was everything.

Everyone in the store was so hyped, and the mood was so great I didn't want to leave, so when I overheard some of the guys I hung out with in line ask if there was a mini of the month they could build, I tagged along.

The store staff was as amazing as always and brought out not only the mini of the month, but also three other models they still had in stock from previous months.

So I ended up building 4 minis in the store along with a bunch of other people.

I met a really nice couple that was pretty new to the hobby and they asked if I was excited for the new box because half of it was Ultramarines (I told them I love the Ultra boys, big chock 😅) but I explained that there was nothing Ultramarine specific in the box and one could paint them as any chapter they wanted.

And boy, they were amazed! They had no idea that all space marines are generic models and they were so curious about other chapters and I tried to explain that there was a chapter for pretty much anything and any colour.

The girl ended up really liking the Soul Drinkers and the guy was on the fence between Blood Angels and sticking to Ultramarines :D

So my advice to anyone else that feels like the hobby is toxic, or is tired of the “my army is soo much cooler then yours/everyone who likes this sucks”, please join the real world.

This hobby is soo amazing, and it is filled with so many happy, passionate people, all loving this weird little hobby.

Over 20+ years, a dozen or more game stores/clubs; I have never had a bad IRL experience with Warhammer. I really wish I could say the same thing about the online experience.

#warhammer 40k #40k #warhammer #hobby #real talk #leviathan #space marines

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themultifandomgal · 9 months

Text

Matt Casey- Fight For Us Pt3

Ella is at home with her nanny, a wonderful lady named Zuri, who has been with us since Ella turned 1

"There could be squatters inside" Severide says to dad

"We don't have long on this one" dad replies "YN make sure you and Shay are ready for smoke inhalation victims"

"Got it" I give him and nod. All I can do now is sit back and what the others work. Nervously I watch Matt run into the fire

"The smokes looking pretty bad" next thing I know Matt is walking out with an elderly man. I rush over to him and Matt helps the man sit down

"Your in good hands now. YNs the best of the best" I give Matt a little smile and place an oxygen mask over the man's head while I check for possible burns.

As Herrmann and Mills come out of the building the fire seems to get worse. Mills states that there was someone else in the building and he wants 1 more minute to get the person out. Dad calls it and we all move back just in time as the building collapses.

Unfortunately word gets out that a man died in the fire and now it's all in the news

"Happy Halloween grandad" Ella runs over to dad in her princess costume

"Happy Halloween Princess Ella. Guess what? After school I'm gonna break out a bottomless bowl of treats"

"Yay" she claps before running into the firehouse to say hi to everyone

"How are you holding up?" Dad asks

"Alright I guess" I shrug following dad inside holding Matts hand

"We will be once this is all over with"

"Momma Kelly gave me sweets"

"He did? How lucky. But let's eat them later yeah?"

"You best say by to everyone, mommas gonna take you to school" Matt says looking at the clock

"Hey, Lieutenant Casey, YN I lust

saw your car out front. Something happened to it" Niki says walking in

"Ella stay with grandad a moment" I say following Matt outside with Kelly not far behind me to see our tires slashed

"Damn it" Matt sighs

"You want me to drive Ella to school?" Kelly offers

"Please that would be amazing. I'll see if Zuri can pick her up after school and drop her off here" Kelly walks off to go and get Zuri "Matt?" I nervously say "please tell me this isn't anything to do with Voight"

"It probably some kids messing around. It's Halloween after all"

"Hope your right"

Matt ends up ringing a tow truck for the car, Severide has offered a lift home later while Zuri has picked Ella up from school and brought her to the firehouse

"Thank you Zuri"

"It's no problem I'll see you tomorrow"

"Ok let's tell uncle Kelly your here so we can go trick or treating"

"Truck 81, Ambulance 61. Man down, 3500 block of North Clarke"

"Ok I promise that as soon as I'm back we will go ok"

"Ok" Ella shrugs. I take her to niki and ask if she can watch her for a bit, which she agrees to.

Shay and I jump into the ambo and shay drives to the location. On arrival it's party central. We get out of the ambo and take the gurney out

"Halloween sucks" Shay says looking around at all the fake injuries. Thankfully Matt gets a location on the injured person and we follow him into the crowd. A man is lying on the floor shaking

"Shay take his head. Has he taken any drugs?" I ask a woman who's stood with us

"No, just a couple beers. Then all of a sudden

his eyes rolled back in his head and he dropped"

she replies

"Does he have a history of seizures?" Shay asks as I place in an IV line

"I don't think so. But this is only our second date"

"Alright ready turn him over" I say as Cruz slides the back board under him

"Hey, let me help out, fellas.." a man in a fake fireman costume walks over

"Stay back, sir" Matt warns

"Yeah how about givin' me a C-4 tube and lidocaine drip?"

"Let them do their job" Herrmann says standing in the way of the fake fireman and me

"All right, come on! Move it out!" Matt says as Cruz and Hermann lift the man on to the gurney, Shay and I take off to the ambo.

After we arrive back at the firehouse I grab my things and finally take Ella trick or treating while Matt stays at the firehouse just for a few more hours.

#one chicago imagine #one chicago #chicago fire #chicago fire imagine #matt casey imagine #matt casey #matt casey x reader #matt casey x oc

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mileven11forever · 3 months

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hi! ive been seeing ur posts around a bit and just wanted to ask you a question which honestly isnt related to the show plot because even though i do ship byler i believe mileven is gonna be cannon because a suger mega mainstream show isnt likely to throw away their main ship for an unexpected gay ship which imo would make sense with all the queercoding and would just be sumn new but yknow its unlikely. so my wish for s5 is some serious and good growth for mileven as a couple but back to my question as i mentioned earlier there is quite a bit of queercoding and ig what u could call 'proof' and while i agree some of the byler proof thrown around are stretches and reaches most of it seems pretty plausible which does mean there is a chance that the people working on that show purposely put in those aspects and parallels but for what? (possible queerbait which ick!) and another thing with will and his love arc it seems kinda unfair ik its the 80s and in reality it wouldve matched wills situation but in the end it is a super popular fiction show in 2020s and it does have the liberty to provide some sort of solace to will like everyone else in the show gets some kind of romance but the tortured gay guy should be happy with the acceptance? kinda ouch and on topic of queer characters i personally think robin has one of the most beautiful coming out scenes in tv history but with vickie they did bad to her character like they have barely 5 mins of screen time tgther and theyre basically the same person w the brain and mouth parallel so impo the writers and show producers have sort of messed up with the queer characters(s5 could redeem everything but i have a feeling it rlly wont) plus i mean making will love mike was such a choice like he couldve like anyone else the show has time and time again had clear chances to just either not make will have a thing for mike or get him to confess and or move on and introduce a new guy for him and have a chance of a happy ending but they had to employ the overused gay guy loves his straight best friend trope and drag onto the last season where theres already the battle to the death going on so even if they do get a new guy there will be no satisfying development to their bond. and then practically use his feelings to encourage mike which is just cruel and is kinda harmful for many queer people like i remember just sobbing in my grandmas living room because how horrible that scene made me feel so i just want ur opnions on this as u seem like some1 passionate about the show and an ally. (sorry if its kinda long this my first time ever interacting w anyone on tumblr im rlly unsure how to go about these things)

Yeah, definitely, I think I understand what you mean. Queerbaiting sucks, but I don't personally think that's what this show is doing. I think a lot of the hints people are claiming as Byler evidence is just based on their interpretation, and not what the creators intended it to be seen as. We honestly can't know what they intended without them confirming it, so it's hard to know one way or the other. I don't believe a lot of the evidence for Byler personally, and it just doesn't make sense narratively for the show like you mentioned. I don't know, it's complicated. If anyone else wants to share their thoughts on this, feel free to leave them in the comments. :)

#mileven #mike wheeler #eleven hopper #el hopper byers #eleven #pro mileven #mileven is canon #mileven is real #stranger things #eleven stranger things #anti byler #mike x el #mike and el #mike is straight #straight mike #mike and will #mike and eleven #will byers #will and mike

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nerves-nebula · 1 year

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I’ve never really recognized it as “religious trauma”, but I’m nodding along to ur list. It’s just kinda stuff that happened. Except for the few things that grown me was kinda at like ‘that seems a little bad actually-‘

I remember being 7 and first thinking what if God isn’t real as I was trying to sleep. So it’s like midnight and I’ve just had this world breaking thought that immediately had me spiraling down two trains of thought: Im going to hell for thinking that, and, what if he isn’t what the fuck. So of course I’m freaked out and I’m pretty sure child me needed a fucking hug or some assurance or something, so I went to my parents room, which woke up my mom. At which point I realize, I can’t tell them my actual problem because it was a thought I was ashamed of having, and I didn’t want to run the risk of getting in trouble for some nebulous comfort that was frankly unfathomable cus my parents suck. So I just said felt sick, and took “sorry” my mam gave me as comfort enough (which in hindsight is not a great response to that), and just had to go back to bed with all that. That shit stuck with me. I remember at Sunday school, maybe months or a year later, when one of the teachers said doubt was put in our minds by the devil, I was so fucking relieved.

And there’s the fact that I didn’t know other religions were a thing. I didn’t know there were other blends of Christianity. I lived in a small town and I just had never been touched by that concept until I moved at 11, and one of our religious education modules was on Judaism. Everyone else was just learning customs and calendar stuff, and I was having a whole epiphany. I was so confused until halfway into the lesson, and I realized they were talking about not being catholic. I literally searched the library for a book that would explain this arcane concept. And it was just such a mind blowing experience. I was couldn’t comprehend why no one had ever mentioned other religions if there were so many. And how did it make any sense that there were so many. The differences aren’t subtle. Point is, it was a whole thing.

If I hadn’t moved I would have been made to do my confirmation that school year. And that’s not okay! The whole point of that sacrament is that you’re choosing Christianity, like your old enough and conscious enough to make that choice. Adult in the eyes of the church and all that. Baptism but leveled up. But they make children do it. Unrelated, but when I first learnt about it I was 8, and there was a girl in my class that never had to religion with us. Which was the weirdest thing to me at the time, because sure there were people that didn’t have to do Irish or English, because they had different first languages. But religion? I always found that so weird. But she literally just. Wasn’t catholic. And I just couldn’t conceptualize that. It didn’t occur to me that could be an option.

Jesus, raising kids with a religion is brainwashing of the highest order and no one can change my mind on that. Sorry for rambling at u, that post just made me think.

my girlfriend said this exact same thing when i was forced to be confirmed. said it didnt count but tbh that feels like a cop out. like its something ive been forced to do, like a spiritual violation or something, it still happened. but, eh, whatever

Jesus, raising kids with a religion is brainwashing of the highest order and no one can change my mind on that.

not sure i agree with you here, but i can agree that a lot of the ways kids are raised within Christianity is cult-ish and brainwash-y and bad.

#nnstuff #ask #christianity tw

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girlwithfish · 5 months

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if this is too explicit, u dont have to post it but fjdjsksks ive always felt like im bad at giving h**d do u have any tips ???

HAHA okay ill try to give tips NSFW and also this is abt sucking dick disclaimer 🫡🫡 gonna put it under a read more omg this is gonna b so crass. sorry

like honestly it reallyy really depends on the person ur giving head to bc everyone likes different things and some ppl ive given head to werent that into it or i wasnt that into it. like for me i have to b rly into them cuz idk past hookups i havent been too into and my mouth would feel all dry or like they like it different than how im used to doing. So tip #1 u have to be willing to adapt and be receptive to what the other person likes. i think thats the most important thing when it comes to sex in general. always listen to ur partner and be willing to communicate, ask them beforehand or during if they want it different. do they like softer or harder do they like rough stuff do they like more slow sensual fast do they like when u go deep or no .

Also only ever do what U want to do yk!!! do not let anyone force u or like just grab ur head unless if u want that but if they do that shit w out talking to u first or u guys agreeing ur into that they r scummy

I think a big thing is making sure its wet enough bc suckign dick when ur mouth is dry is just unpleasant for both people. make sure u produce enough saliva and get that dick WET lol. its abt getting into a rhythm and also like make sure u cover ur teeth with ur lips or else that will hurt them. if ur confused how to do that bc i def was at first literally just pull ur lips in over ur teeth like ur gonna look stupid and if u put like ur fingers in ur mouth they shouldnt hit ur teeth at all and ull only feel ur lips. Lol and u need to hold ur lips like that it might take some time getting used to. Jaw wise i dont hav much advice like my jaw used to lock a lot in tje beginning when i first started giving head and id get tired fast esp if the dick is Big or girthy lmfao but u kinda just habe to push thru it and ull get more used to doing it and have more stamina my jaw doesnt get tired much anymore unless if im going a longggg time

If its a girthy or big dick and u cant take it all in ur mouth and its tiring use ur hands at the base !!! some guys like it some dont so just ask em but if theyre into using hands u can just suck the tip or only a few inches nd be using ur hand on the rest or two hands if ur into that idk. ask them what rhythm and pace they want for like using ur hands too cuz everyone's different some might liek a firmer grip or fast or slow idk. but ur gonna want to get into a rhythm using hand and ur mouth itll like work in sync together yk

some ppl r into more attention to the tip but for some that can b rly sensitive so either ask them or pay attention to body cues cuz u dont want to hurt them !! but have fun w it lmfaooo u can lick it or lick like the underside(frenulum? i think lolol) idk use ur tongue a lot too and then u can go deeper again or get back into the rhythm u were in and occasionally give more attn to the tip

im kinda used to giving more passionate or intense head and guys who r into that im more sexually compatabile with so idk! when or if the dick falls out cuz it happens u can kiss it too They will luv that shit lmfaooo i think its really abt passion and willingness and stuff cuz receiving sucks if the giver doesnt seem like theyre into it or care abt ur pleasure and sucking dick def isnt for everyone or some ppl just dont like it as much which is totally fine never do anything u dont want to!!! but its really all abt wanting to make ur partner feel good and if u have that genuine desire theyre gonna love it. usually ppl r into sloppy head just cuz its hot seeing someone going Off for u so dont be shy to make noise and all the sloppy dick sucking noises r usually a turn on for ppl lmaooo and u can moan too to show ur into it im sooo into doing that 👍

and u can experiment w positions too like being on ur knees while theyresitting or kneeling next to them kinda while theyre sitting on the bed and Def likeee if ur into it giving head can be a veru mutual thing too like u can also get pleasure too just gotta talk abt it w ur partner like if u like being grabbed or touched somewhere idk i think giving head is really awesome and slay and i get a lot of pleasure from giving i love too hard 😈🫶🫶🫶🫶Lol but u can do a lot of fun stuff and variety w head when it comes to positions. do it in front of a mirror or something etc. but idk it rly just takes practice and getting ur form down and rhythm and learning what ur partner likes and what u like! u do not have to be crazy or into intense head or deep throating shit or anything u see in porn its a mutual experience and abt making ur partner feel good and use ur hands if u dont like going deep etccc and u can go soft too it rly depends what the person is into! Also its all abt touching too like grab ur partners thighs touch them u can kiss their stomach before u go down hold their hand touch their butt if theyre into that LOL idk its like a very dynamic thing lots to do 🫡🫡🫡i also like laying my head on their high and s*cking that way its very sensual . Okay just gave way too much info abt my sex life slayy hope this helped tho babe !

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forestryfae · 6 months

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but yeah. basically ive been sleeping during the day a lot and it sucks. works not going as good as i wish it did. balancing work and homelife isnt easy, and homelife is lacking.

i have an important letter i need to send, gotta call teh dentist, im supposed to be taking meds for rosascea but im not allowed to keep the meds in my room and noone is helping me remember the medication (which is stupid as fuck cus when im late to work once or twice theyre IMMEDIATELY on my ass asking if i need someone to come wake me up. hello??) i also have to call whoever gave me my drivers license for practicing or else i might have to take the whole course again.

i also have to go home for 3 weeks and im not looking forward to that. and i need to go spend christmas with mom which like. free food ig. family will need christmas presents but like im broke and i just dont see why. they fucking suck. why am i wasting money on people who care so little about me that they treat me like absolute dogshit. no basic respect or common decendy, talking down to me and treating me like shit all the time, literally anything that can be criticized will be critizied, no respect for boundaries and throwing fucking temper tantrums if i get mad that they trampled over them, just doing whatever the fuck they want and expecting me to be okay with it. nothing is ever good enough but if you dont try youre a lazy brat with no willpower. mental illness exists but its never the root of the problem, its always you. also everyone around them are mindreaders and if you didnt predict what they wanted youre an asshole and you lack common sense.

and i have to spend the next three weeks dealing with this shit with no chance of escape cus they can just show up with no warning at my house. she doesnt care if i was asleep or busy, that just gives her an excuse to be bitchy about it. the world revolves around noone and dont think youre something special except for if youre her. fucking bitch.

but yeah ill be spending 3 weeks mostly trying not to go insane. i need to clean the kitchen, bathroom, hallway and bedroom. i need to go through all the stuff in the kitchen so i dont have a million things i never even touch in there, plus i gotta actually cook every day and i have to go shopping atleats once a week, which wont be easy. the bedroom is a emss so i really want to clear out as much of it as possible, especially w the writing desk i have. its enormous and swallows up the whole room, and i have just a bunch of stuff and garbage lying around that i dont know what to do with.

then theres the bathroom, which is easy enough, but the cats been pissing on some of my clothes on the floor in there since noone in my family understands the concept of closing doors and not letting the cats play in insulation. like the doors dont. magically open by themselves. they were left open. theres also a fuckton of laundry and cleaning off the dryingracks since moms been fucking with those again, and she absolutely has been messing up my sorting. i went through my clothes and decided on what i want to keep and what not and now i 100% guaranteed have to go through that stuff again.

and like. i also have to look at what i have and what i dont have. cus i got some plastic boxes that i was gonna put stuff i wnated to keep in and i never got around to it so i have to just hope i can find it in me to bother going through verything in the house and packing what i actually want i really want to ask the people at the thriftshop i work at if they want like 4 or 5 boxes, if not more when im done, of just garbage. but at the same time, i KNOW theyll clean everything before selling it but i dont want to touch any of it and i dont want it anywhere near me. im so tired of cleaning and bad vibes. im so tired of stuff just not working out.

also. have been considering moving my bedroom to the livingroom. like it just seems easier but at the same time i dont want people in there or people going through my shit when im not at home. idk. its more like a bandaid in an attempt to deal with a broken leg that isnt healing cus its not in acast or getting medical attention.

#talkies

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chelzone · 8 months

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played through Snoot Game (that 4chan-made parody of Goodbye Volcano High) and spent 5 hours going through my first run to get the best ending. here's some thoughts on it

from the getgo, it is not as turbo evil or turbo edgy as folks make it out to be. there's some shit here and there that i see and go "yeah that sucks but of course a high school cast would say that shit, i remember hearing stuff on that level AND worse back in my own high school years"

story is fucking stellar and the writing matches it nicely. feels like im actually seeing high schoolers written genuinely instead of coming across as alien

art is a mix-up at times. the characters themselves look great throughout, though im a bit bummed out sometimes the backgrounds go from nicely drawn to just real life photos put through a filter. feel like it would've been better if they EITHER spent time drawing every background OR went all in on the filtered photos instead

despite what ive heard and seen, the protagonist Anon just really feels like a hyper-insecure and painfully autistic (i am autistic) kid going through the motions. throwing in the angle of him coming from a poor background and feeling judged immensely cause of it really hit hard

the game definitely has some racist elements, i'm not making an excuse for that at all LMAO. it sucks, what else do you want me to say other than "no i dont condone that are you fucking stupid"

the fourth ending seems like it makes the most sense for everyone in the cast to grow and develop. i've looked up stuff for the other endings and they all feel like drastic bad times caused by the player purposefully wanting the cast to fail. considering how much heart is put into the fourth / best one, yeah it makes sense that you should want the best for everyone and help them grow into being better folks

anyway there's just some thoughts i can rattle off my head. i know it's not for everyone and i dont blame you if you still hate it. i genuinely had a great time playing it last night and im hoping to take some pointers from it someday when i put out my own VNs.

u also gotta remember im a gal who grew up on 4chan shit as a kid, encyclopedia dramatica, and what have you. seen a bunch of awful shit my whole life and still do, but i know how to handle that shit responsibly and still work to be a good person. i like feel good wholesome content, i like edgy shit, and i like normie shit inbetween. gotta see all lenses of life and see what you can learn from the good, the bad, and the ugly

none of us are perfect, but just like that funny Anon we've all got the potential to grow and better ourselves in an uncertain world

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serene-sun · 1 year

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Ok so my decision that won’t effect y’all is that I’ve come to terms that I need a break from music. Not entirely, but I feel like I’m not going anywhere vocally, I’m staying on the same level, I’m not getting better nor worse. And I’m tired of all of the cons that come with being in charge of it. Not that it’s too much to handle, it’s that I already have two other things I take really seriously and I’m not going to do something if I’ll just half ass it. If I do something than I’m committing and I’m going to make it 100% perfect. Yeah sure I worked hard to make this band, but it’s not like everything we’ve done will go away. Besides, we don’t exactly have “fans”. I mean yes, we do, but the people who come to the shows are just there to jam out bc it’s something you can bang your head too, but nobody is going because they’re a die hard fan who would have a poster of us in their room. And it sucks bc that’s what I wanted when I started it bc I had that dream of 80’s rock band that does dumb shit, I think the only thing we accomplished was doing dumb shit and letting creativity flow. I don’t think that it’s necessarily a bad thing that I’m ending it? We all kinda want to go our own ways and sprout, bc it was me who wrote all the songs so what was really the point? I don’t want to restrict anyone from letting their own flow, flow into someone else’s flow and starting a new flow, so I’m going my own flow. I have allot of reasons for this, but it feels the best option. Besides, bands you start in the high school band room…don’t ever last that long. I can already sense that we want to part ways, since everyone is kinda moving out (thank the gods that the apartment is in my name holy mother I’m not moving again in this state of economy). I’ve also already been invited to join another band on guitar so I think that it’s best for everyone to take a step further. I do feel bad, bc I don’t want it to make it seem like I’m throwing them under the bus and ditching them. But I need to take a break from writing, experimenting, and management because I’m really trying to go all out in school/work. Im done with community college so now I’m going to the “grown up school”. Im already and intern at my dream job thanks to my grades and profile, I’m glad they looked over the 1 misdemeanor in my resume 😅 IVE BEEN A GOOD BOY. Anyways, and im so fucking pissed I ended the year with 2 B’s, even if they were high. I have to be perfect no matter what, I don’t care if “oh your perfect the way you are” this and “don’t be hard on yourself” that. If you don’t give yourself a constant conflict or challenge, than how will you get stronger? If you want to pass a goal, you have to know how to! But I’m really excited for school to start again bc I think I’m the only one who actually enjoys learning now a days. And the further and better I do in college is the faster I climb up the ranks at work, I’m so close to getting my spot. I still have allot of time left tho, 9 years until I get my doctorate so ugh I’m impatient af. But either way, I’m just excited that we all get to do something with our life’s now. It’s something new, and I’ll be with new people. These guys travel in a charter bus…how did I get here?

Anyways, that’s todays ramble…and it’s just 7:40am

#serene sun nocontext

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boundless-n-bare · 10 months

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audhd confessions - my own worst enemy

being active in this community as a neurodivergent individual (audhd) can be very challenging in unexpected ways. for me the hardest thing to deal with is the rsd - rejection sensitive dysphoria. i have this BAD. this doesn't strictly pertain to real or perceived rejection from individuals in the community although that can be part of it, but more broadly its like a very intense and painful feeling of fomo. having to miss NEST this year was a huge trigger for me - no one rejected me, but i still felt rejection because i couldn't be there. my brain told me i wasn't allowed. that no-one wanted me there anyway and i wouldn't be missed.

its also very hard seeing other members of the community being active and fulfilling their desires in a way i wish i could but very deeply feel and have been telling myself for years that i can't. this one honestly kills me, like it can be super debilitating to the point that it legit keeps me away from interacting in these spaces which i hate. its a huge reason ive been so distant - it sucks majorly feeling as though you're surrounded by people who have it all figured out, or at least seem to, while you feel lowly, alienated, and incapable.

for me, rsd is this ever present voice screaming "you're not allowed." woah see this community member posting about the really awesome session they had with this other community member? you'll never have that. they flew halfway across the country for that session, you're broke and will never be able to do that. they have social skills and you're a socially inept loser who no one wants to talk to. "they" are allowed to have those experiences, "they" are normal. but you are not allowed. you can be a spectator, at best. you get to yearn

the truly fucked thing is that i have had those experiences! i have been to NEST! i have traveled long-ish distances for sessions! i have had the good fortune of having multiple tickling experiences while many in this community may struggle to cement even one. yet i still look at myself and my experiences in this completely ass-backwards light that tells me that they are nothing special, its everyone else who is out there living the absolute dream and nothing i achieve will ever live up to what they're doing - it can't, it simply isn't possible because you are not allowed!

this shit has paralyzed me for far too long. it makes me not even want to look at tumblr, or reddit, or anywhere i might come across that sort of content because what if i see another post like that and then i get sad? then i suddenly have to wrestle with these feelings of inadequacy and isolation and who needs that? its easier just to ignore it all entirely... right?

well, no, because tickling is my passion and if i ignore it completely, to the point of not even letting myself engage with the community, then im depriving myself of not only the community and any potential support network therein but literally the pursuit of the one thing in life that bares any semblance of importance to me at all! when i tell you nothing else matters to me, when i tell you there is nothing in my life that drives me forward the way tickling does i am not fucking exaggerating - if i have learned anything over the pandemic and throughout the years that followed up until now it is that i forget who the fuck i am if i sever myself from my desires for too long. i'll put it all on the back burner and then wonder why im so miserable all the time. then i'll eventually come back, start getting into the hang of being active, then the asd starts surfacing, then i experience some sort of meltdown, then isolate for a few more months, then dip my toes back in and start the cycle all over.

i honestly dont know the best way to combat this but my plan is basically to kill this ideology with persistence - from now on i won't back down and dip out when im confronted with these feelings but rather i will challenge them and keep doing what im doing anyway. i will tell myself that with patience and persistence i can do any damn thing i want, and it might not happen immediately but sooner rather than later i will prevail and i will be content with my place here.

i intend to seriously challenge any assertion by my brain that im not good enough, moneyed enough, social enough, likeable enough, etc. to participate in this community. sure, there might be very real barriers to what i can and can't do compared to others but even still there's ultimately nothing i can't do! i have even told myself for the longest time that i could never be any sort of content creator... yeah, well guess what? im challenging that shit because the very act of my brain telling me i can't do it signifies that its obviously something i want to do, therefor i should! i've deterred myself from buying toys, bondage equipment, etc. because "you're not even active! you don't even talk to people! you're so socially awkward you'd spend all the money and never use it!"

fuck you, brain! the only thing truly getting in my way is you! im not making excuses to minimize myself anymore. im going to do the thing! the fuck is even the point of living if all you're going to do is keep yourself from the shit you want? its beyond fucking stupid

i doubt its going to be easy. i doubt that i won't slip up. but persistence means getting back up and doing it anyway when even when i feel like giving up, and hiding from or not interacting with the community is a sure-fire way to get absolutely nothing from it at all

#adhd #audhd #autism #rejections sensitive dysphoria #tickle #tickles #tickling #tickling community #tickle community #fomo

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unlimitedhorsepower · 1 year

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Tagged by: @thevoiceofthanatos

Favorite color: warm bright yellow, mustard yellow & old gold, and just yellow in general. its a good colour. it makes me happy

Currently reading: idk, probably star trek fanfic my friend @rubbertplant was writing to give my opinion on it. i often read through my own stuff too lol, like whoah i wrote that??? ADHD has taken everything from me including my capability to read though, for real. ive been thinking of trying to listen to some audiobooks recently though, this cannot continue... its just that i also have no ears disease so idk how well that would go. determined to try though

Last song you listened to: havent been listening to music so much bc ive been playing videos instead but my last.fm has all my spotify listens so itll stay up to date on whatever i listened to last. currently seems to be “please play-bite” by pinocchioP. i often just let spotify play me whatever it recommends anyhow so theres variance. and i only started this account like a few months ago max so its not really a full picture of my music-listening

Last movie (in theaters): its not really a movie, but if it counts, the first ginga nagareboshi gin stageplay (recorded and released in finland in theaters with subs)

ginga was always huge in finland for some reason. idk. the anime is so violent though that i got really afraid of bears for some reason. theres so much blood... i never read the manga either i just knew of the anime and partook in my share of wolf roleplays (dogs were uncool! so i didnt do dog roleplays. iirc that really was my reason).

heres some funny wolves from my wolf rp days

2010. one of the first things i coloured digitally... i painstakingly cleaned the scanned pencil lineart with a mouse

2011. i had gotten my first drawing tablet as a birthday/xmas gift and practiced a ton around this time (more than just wolves lol)

Last series I watched: trigun stampede. even changed my phone bg into vash... but millions knives is probably my favourite. he just does everything wrong and makes his life worse. and everyone elses life too bc he sucks. but hes multifaceted so hes also my meow meow and whatever. i hope a ford explorer drives over him

if it counts though, ive seen some star trek TOS episodes and movies because my friends have been watching them. im not super into it but its always fun to hang. i also dont watch a lot of stuff. i dont even know what i do. guy who doesnt read or watch things but listens to jerma videos on youtube without actually looking at them while i “draw” and “write”

Craving: food honestly. i should cook something lmfao. i also want soda so bad but i dont have any. id make some tea but its disgustingly warm in my house so i only want cool drinks. could kill for a nice milkshake or a smoothie rn i think

Tea or coffee: tea... im the only finnish person who doesnt drink coffee for real. also got really into loose leaf tea bc i befriended a chinese lady who is really into tea and has a tea shop in the city near where i live

Currently working on: drawing this and trying to think how i want to do it. somehow want to incorporate flat colours and maybe shade his body naturally, and make the blood look realistic instead of flat colours... hmm not sure yet what i want to do

other than that im trying to proofread the chapter of my ryanyuri fanfic i already published because theres a lot of typos and strange sentences in there but its been a chore bc my body breaks down when it gets too warm smfh... not looking forward to when my apt goes over 30 degrees celsius it is unlivable. im also trying to complete a “lookbook” of my tnb sims. but i always start huge projects that take three million years to complete and im really slow lmfao

Tag people you’d like to get to know better: i could just ask these questions from everyone i talk on discord with. fuck my friends i know irl or otherwise, only asking people who r my friends through tumblr. no need to do this though. also this isnt probably meant to be answered so long-windedly... thats just me. i cant answer with one word i gotta write an essay. heres three tags though @basslinegrave @vita-divata

(record scratch before 3rd tag) and @rubbertplant bc they were streaming a game in discord when i started typing this and i was like hey wanna do it and they were like yeah

i expect replies on my desk by 5pm TOMORROW!!!!get to work!!!! no i jest, do it or dont, i dont mind either way, just if you feel like doing this. if you see this and want to do it feel free to consider yourself tagged. godspeed

#gabriels ramblings

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