#it might be easier then like. its obvious im not getting out any other way | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rabit333n · 1 month

Text

awkward ||

matt sturniolo🫶

CW - none i dont think ??? kissing i guess. its mostly just fluff (i think im using that word right?). it might be corny.

this is my first time publishing any of my writing !!!!! PLEASE be nice to me. :)

summary - matts been your best friend since middle school. when on a drive late one night something accidental turns into the both of you kissing. reader is the pink text, matt is the blue text. :3

based off this song !

you and matt had been best friends for as long as you remembered -- well, as long as things actually started to matter to you. you moved to matts school in the 7th grade, you were thirteen years old at the time.

it was a fresh start, something new, you had gone to the same place your entire life, so to say you were anxious on your first day was an understatement.

in your first period, you got sat next to a quiet boy. at the time, you were grateful he wasnt immature and disrespectful like most of the boys your age you had met.

you tried your hardest to mind your business and focus on the review from what they were taught the previous year, but your nervs and your lack of understanding got in the way.

after about 5 minutes of visible frustration, the boy beside you took notice of your expression and offered to help

-- "hi, i dont mean to bother you, but i noticed you seem a bit confused ? do you mind if i help you?"

your cheeks flush a light pink out of embarassment, not realizing how obvious it was that you had no idea what you were doing.

-- "yeah, actually, if you want to.. they didnt cover this at my old school so i just.."

you shrug awkwardly and lean back a bit as he reassures you and begins explaining.

-- "dont feel bad though, none of this will matter when we get out of school, yaknow?"

his eyes shift from the paper on the table in front of you both onto your eyes

-- "im matt, by the way."

he mentions his name before quickly leaning away from you, he hadnt realized how close he got to you when explaining.

you nod and smile softly, happy to have had a nice interaction with someone -- specifically a boy, not in a romantic way, really just in the sense that its rare to find a boy your age whos atleast a little bit emotionally mature.

-- "im y/n. thanks for the help, by the way, i really needed it. i had no idea what i was doing"

you mutter with a slight nervous giggle. you and matt soon became close friends, talking everyday in and out of class. he introduced you to his triplet brothers, and his friendgroup. while you didnt fit in with his friends as much as you'd like to, you were grateful you had people to talk to. since then, as the dynamic between you both grew, you became inseperable.

☆☆☆☆

its been 7 years since then, and you and matt are the closest youve ever been. matt knows you better than you know yourself. you cant hide from him the way you hide from yourself.

you currently, though, were on a drive with him. your favorite thing to do was to go on long drives and find some random parking lot to sit in with the windows down, listening to music, talking about random shit, learning about the very few things you both dont already know about the other. you sat in the parking lot of a convience store you didnt care to remember the name of, windows all the way down with the wind gently blowing through your hair.

you always got the aux cord when you rode with matt, he knows how important music is to you. even if he doesnt particularly like the music youre playing, he puts up with it because he enjoys seeing you get excited over certain songs.

"Use Once & Destroy" by Hole played softly through the speakers. matt had turned the radio down so it was easier for you both to focus on each other.

you had the visor down while you looked at your makeup in the mirror, wiping away the smudged eyeliner that had condensed beneath your lower lashes throughout the day.

-- "god, i fucking hate when my makeup does this.."

you mumble to yourself once theres a moment of silence between the two of you.

-- "it makes me look disheveled."

you complain quietly as you flip the visor back up, giving up on your goal of getting rid of the black residue underneath your waterline.

-- "i think you look pretty. i dunno, i dont think you look messy.. it makes you look real, it makes you look like you."

matt says sweetly as he studies you fixing your makeup, seemingly mesmerized by your dedication. you smile softly and tuck your hair behind your ears.

-- "thank you, matti."

you say sweetly to him, studying the look on his face. he turns away for a second as you lean over the center console, expecting to give him a peck on the cheek (..which, is something thats been accustomary in your friendship, its supposedly platonic)

until he turns his head back to face you, your lips landing onto his. you pull back quickly, your eyes growing as you cover your mouth.

his reaction similar to yours, his eyes growing before he starts profusely apologizing.

your cheeks heat up as your mind races, sifting through every thought youve had of moments like this before.

you knew you shouldnt think about your best friend in that position, but you couldnt help it. he was obviously very attractive, and you have always had some romantic feelings for him, whether you admitted it to yourself or not.

matt goes quiet, the awkward silence filling the space small space between you. both of your faces flushed red, studying each other subtly.

usually youd both brush off an interaction like this, but it was different this time. something about the situation maybe, or the subconcious emotions that created tension around you both.

-- "can i kiss you?"

he asks softly after a period of uncomfortable silence that slowly shaped itself into comfort, the way it always does with the two of you.

you nod slightly, the question adding to the absurdity of the moment.

as he leans forward, you mirror his motions until he places one hand on your jaw and the other on the back of your neck, gently intertwining fingers with your hair.

your lips lock and you place your hand on his forearm, the other on his shoulder as the two of you hold the kiss for about 3 seconds before pulling away.

you both stayed in the same position as you smiled widely, your cheeks pink while your eyes shifted away from his, flustered and happy that things werent weird like you thought they might be.

matt brushes your hair out of your face as a smile creeps onto his mouth when he sees the expression on your face.

-- "youre so fuckin beautiful, y/n."

#matt sturniolo imagine #matt sturniolo x you #matt sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo imagines #sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #sturniolo triplets imagines #sturniolo triplets x reader #sturnioloshoneybutter

18 notes · View notes

razzmothazz · 4 months

Text

rambling more abt nightcord and their theme because i just NEED to get it out if my system

i think nightcord is such beautifully constructed with its theme of healing because every character has someone specific helping them out most within the unit

idk how to explain it in general terms but basically

kanade struggles with overworking and not taking proper care of herself, her main help with this comes from mizuki! sure, others help out too but mizuki is the one who points out those self destructive behaviours the most [or at least from ehat i remeber] and this dynamic is so so beautifully shown specifically in carnation recollection

mizuki is the one telling kanade to take a break, but kanade is set on making another song for mafuyu despite being absolutely stuck. i think mizuki is the most clever out of the 4 specifically because of this event, since they knew kanade wont give up on it ever and decided to use a different approach to give her the deserved break and would also help her out in this situation. kanade would never have some time off if it wasnt for mizuki. thats how mizuki cares for her, by "tricking" her into taking one while also getting to spend nice time together and end up reminiscing.

this is such an important story because thanks to mizuki, a part of kanade got to heal.

mafuyu very obviously is mostly helped by kanade, who tries her very best and gives it literally her all to help mafuyu find herself, but she always gives mafuyu space when she needs it as well. i think since this one is most obvious i dont have to dwell on it too much but the love and care kanade has for mafuyu makes me soooo fucking insane like omg. kanade is the whole reason mafuyu even tries. shes the sole reason why mafuyu could get where she is now and didnt give up.

ena is a bit tricky, but surprisingly i think her helper is... mafuyu. i have honestly no clue how to explain what i mean at all, but seeing someone with so much talent and the "perfect" life be completely empty was so important to enas character. mafuyu makes painfully slow progress on her situation yet ena notices it, and she might not fully realize it but its helping ena take things easier with her art as well, which i think is shown very well in hope will someday go beyond the morning. mafuyu makes just a slightly different expression but ena still notices it, paralleled by enas art teacher noticing enas intent and emotion behind her art project. despite so many mistakes in the work on a technical level, it had soul. not to mention mafuyu indirectly helps ena be more understanding of others, which is very obvious when you compare how she was with mafuyu at first vs their current dynamic. mafuyu doesnt even know it but she inspires ena so so much not only in her art but to be better as a person.

and for mizuki, its also very obvious with main help coming from ena. pretty much every mizuki focus [<- exaggeration warning] will have ena trying her best to help mizuki out, and thanks to enas growth she can understand mizuki better and better and know how to deal with their issue. she thinks she needs to know the secret to know mizuki, but she learns that its not actually important, and she wants to show mizuki that as well. she constantly shows mizuki support and care weather they are willing to tell their secret or not, and in her own way wants to reassure mizuki that no matter what she wants to be there for them. ena helps mizuki so much that they even finally consider telling ena their secret, after like a year in canon if not longer!! which is such a huge deal because mizuki was convinced that telling ena someday they will tell what it is was completely a lie. they never had any intention to actually say what it is. but they grew so much and feel so safe around ena that the fact they even CONSIDERED IT implies so much healing, growth and trust. it makes me SOB. i am INSANE about mizuena. ena loves them SO MUCH its just so JSHSHDHYSHEIRUDHXHJSNB

okay im gonna stop here cause the tired is getting to me and i feel like i cant explain myself at all now but you get the point n25 care about eachother so much it makes me cry and punch walls and scream and drop to my knees on the floor in a dramatic way and explode and-

#n25 #rambling #pjsk #i should probably expand on some points here but #not now #if anyone wants me to and/or asks about it i will tho #just not today #my brain is melting into goop atp

12 notes · View notes

anzynai · 2 months

Text

April Fools with the Octatrio

hello so i wanted to write something for the octatrio (as the title states) but a fic wasn’t working out so…. here’s some hcs((aka what my fic idea was GOING to be)) under the cut instead !!!

first of all, april fools was a completely new thing for the twins and azul. in tbe coral sea, its literally just.. april 1st and even the areas that DID know abt the day didn’t bother celebrating it

so imagine floyd and jade having the time of their life when they find that there is quite literally a day centered around messing with your friends

azul is less than amused when his own voice interrupts his speaking because of jade and floyd constantly poking his sides and tickling him when he least expects it

jade tends to be more subtle about it yet so teasy all the same “oh, what’s the matter, azul?” knowing damn well whats what

on the other hand, floyd is like “aww, u ticklish??” when he does with absolute no regard for who might be listening

azul doesn’t know which one is worse

but of course, azul won’t stand for it! he has allowed the twins to get the last laugh for way too long (or.. the twins.. get his (??))) last laugh… uh anyway)

so he starts off with jade because even though jade would definitely hint at it to floyd, he is a much easier person to find. jade.. if jade doesn’t want to be found, he will not be found. so he starts with jade since he’s not expecting it

and well, he really wont. not with tickling at least because azul wasn’t one to get them back all the time. but this time, he knew be needed to stand his ground (he just wants the twins to get a taste of their own medicine.. and maybe… hear their laughter..)

so azul calls jade over into his office to discuss about the monstro lounge and ambushes him. he is actually shocked at first that he manages to do it, but he does.. and of course, tickles him. it works out so much better than he thought. when hes done, he prepares himself for retaliation, but for some reason… jade doesnt?

later, after floyd’s basketball practice, azul does the same thing. corners him, and it seems as though he was expecting it. in fact, he wws encouraging it! “ur gonna tickle me, huh? well go ahead, im waiting!” it makes azul a little nervous but he still exacts his revenge and. floyd doesn’t retaliate either???

he finds out why later. jade had planned it from the moment azul had ambushed him. he was going to have azul let down his guard and ended up hinting at it to floyd. so basically, at the end of the night, they have both gone to azul and completely obliterated him (much to his embarrassment)

he did have a suspicion, but with the random pokings throughout the day still occurring, he thought that was all they may do. he shouldve known better (or maybe, he just kinda.. hoped it would happen again so didnt work to stop it hehehe)

anyways, unrelated to tickling, i feel like floyd wohld have more obvious pranks. like, silly string (he would have bought out the entire stock at sam’s mystery shop had he had enough money), jumpscares, the like. him wnd lilia have this sort of alliance on april fools and kinda terrorize the student body together

on the other hand, jade has more subtle pranks, but enjoys them nonetheless. they tend to be those ones that make u feel like u MAY be losing ur mind. like those mind games kindw pranks.. i cant think of any rn but uhh… use ur imagination.

azul simply does not participate. at least, not on his own accord. like he never starts it, but it has become a habit to try to prank jade and floyd back if they ever prank him. he wont admit, but its pretty fun thinking of ways to get one over on the twins. he really likes seeing the look on their faces when they arent expecting something.

still, that means he has to work extra hard since it IS the day to prank people, yk?? but he doesnt have a certain way of pranking someone, but is always proud when it works out.

once he got both of the twins at the same time by calling them to his office and leaving the door slightly cracked, but left a bucket of water on top. when it was opened, it would fall on them. he still remembers their expressions and thinks about it from time to time.

#twisted wonderland #octatrio #tickling #jade leech #floyd leech #azul ashengrotto #twst tickling #jai’s headcanons #headcanons #they r all ticklish #and also all participate in april fools lmao #april fool's day #i just crave content with them lowkey

11 notes · View notes

mirapteo · 5 months

Note

top 5 apex characters and any thoughts or opinions on them?

hey anon yeah i love you also i am about to be so annoying i might need to hide this under a "read more" (future me here. yeah i did)

1. Crypto (obviously)

- everything about him (besides current lore 😒) is perfect to me i love backstories that include a wanted criminal aspect and the fact he is wanted but innocent just adds so much more flavor & i think the whole "to break the game i must do it from the inside" idea is badass. i also love all the familial themes surrounding his backstory i love that for the most part he is a cold and calculated person but despite being jaded due to all the misfortune that happened to him in life he still cares about his family and the few people he allowed to get closer to him, that he still has the capability to do that in the first place even when it has hurt him before.

- i love the whole crypto is just a protective mask to hide tae joon park and i like to treat them as 2 separate people. my gripe is that i wish we learned more about tae joon park, but i also sorta like that it leaves room for fans to interpret who tae joon park is on their own. from the very small bits & pieces it does seem like tae joon park is an overall softer more caring & trusting person compared to the closed off, on edge person that is crypto and it makes me all emo that all the unlucky shit that happened to him in life caused him to resort to being coldhearted and distrustful even when (i personally think) he doesnt want to

- also his design fucking rips idc. maybe im just a big jacket enjoyer but its so fun, it makes sense for his personality and the cybernetics ARE SOOOOO FREAKING GNARLY they r both sexy and lore important i love it

- for issues the most obvious one is FORCING A CHEMISTRYLESS ROMANCE BETWEEN HIM AND YOU KNOW WHO. i FUCKING HATE that they have written such an intriguing backstory for him & DONT DO ANYTHING WITH IT WITHOUT IT HAVING TO INCLUDE WATTSON. i hate how they cannot be their own separate characters and have to always have their stories intertwined in some way its like the writers are allergic to making them hang out with literally anyone else. kill code as boring as it was came so fucking close to that but the recent radio play had to ruin it because of course. of fucking course.

- i also hate the completely unnecessary age retcon. i hate that it frames him as a supergenius computer whiz at a young age. he was so much more likeable & easier to sympathize with as a completely normal office worker that just wanted to provide for him & his sister, only for it to bite him in the ass when he did literally nothing to deserve it. i hate having yet another character in their early 20s in this already oversaturated age range in media as a whole.

- i hate that with every lore update hes involved in it just further mutilates his character. i hate that i cant be excited when my FAVORITE CHARACTER gets lore attention because it just provides more opportunity for the writers to stomp on him. they dont care about him as his own character. they care about him in regards to the relationships he has with other people. thats not how u write a compelling, likeable, or realistic bond between people. it makes me so mad i wanna SCREAM

- anyway crypto tae joon park is my pookie bear he is autistic and he likes dragons and cats and kpop and elliott and being a good friend to the point of sacrificing himself i like him normally also he is my oc now

2. Mirage (obviously)

- mirage is just an objectively likeable character truly like there is a reason he is essentially the face of apex. he was my first favorite & for good reason. u get lured in with his endearing goofiness & then get smacked in the face with one of the most tragic and completely undeserved backstories. maybe im just a slut for characters that "wear masks" & have completely polarizing versions of themselves as a self preservation tactic because i love Mirage being the self absorbed, smooth, attention-seeking bastard on screen and i love love LOVE Elliott Witt with his crippling fear of loneliness and inferiority complex, slowly losing the things that mattered most in his life and feeling like it was somehow his fault & he deserves it

- but i dislike the flanderization hes facing in current lore. i dont remember the last time he was anything other than the goofy guy with a stutter that cant take things seriously. that old comic of him losing his friends because of his own douchebaggery & working to fix his wrongs is my prized possession. he is hurt & lonely & it causes him to lash out on people that dont deserve it and i wish they explored that more. i desperately need more asshole mirage in my life. nowadays he just feels like the one-note silly character whos only purpose is to fill in the comic relief role.

- also he has some of the worst fans ive ever seen im sorry they were like the main reason he stopped being my favorite. they baby him like he has never done nothing wrong in his entire life & in turn shit on characters like wraith or vantage bc they were "mean to him." as if he isnt capable of being an asshole, as if there isnt an entire comic dedicated to him being an asshole. i also hate that fans either lean in 100% into his mirage personality or 100% into his elliott witt personality. he is either a loudmouthed egotistical slut or an innocent wittle mamas boy that needs to be protected at all times never anything outside or in between and it drives me insane.

- shes still my sweetie pie. my biggest kin. i love writing him sooo much. i want to chew him. i want to set him on fire. i want to tuck him in and give him a forehead kiss before he goes to bed.

coughs anyway now with all that out of the way

3. Conduit

- im filipino of course im gonna be biased but hellooooo she is also just so likeable it is insane!! a sweet, goofy fangirl we can relate to that is literally killing herself just to provide for her family ouch it hurts GIVE ME MORE. all her little easter eggs and her fun voicelines like the devs really really loved & cherished her & it shows & she deserves it! my main issue is that it is literally her season rn yet all they care about is revenant Revenant REVENANT give me more conduit! what is her story with her family? hows her sister in particular holding up? how does she cope with her illness? will she ever open up about it to any of the legends? are they ever going to try to help her? is crypto gonna help find her a cure like he did caustic & then they kiss

4. Lifeline

- love her. love her personality. a medic that also isnt afraid to get her hands dirty & chew ppl out? love that for her. i also like where the current lore has been taking her (me? liking current lore? what a shocker), the fact that she was willing to destroy one of her strongest & longest bonds to defeat a greater evil? BANGER. she hurt people & she made sacrifices to get to this point but what does she get from it? a best friend that doesnt want to speak to her & a whole fucking army of murderous robots that want her dead. i wonder if shell have a "is this really what i wanted? did i just fuck everything up?" internal crisis cuz atp i feel like she has to. id love to see it

- also i am no.1 lifeline defender idgaf the demonization shes facing in the fandom for hurting their pookie wookie bear octane is so blatant and laughable u ppl really hate black women. its ok for ur favorite male character to make questionable morally gray decisions but got forbid ajay does it. gtfo of here!

5. Rampart

- just another objectively likeable character plsss she is sooo funny & sassy and there is not a single rampart interaction/relationship she has with another legend that i hate. she also has the biggest wasted potential ever. they were cooking something so good with big sister and ramparts relation to her & NEVER DO ANYTHING WITH JT. its been 13 seasons and nothing has progressed in her lore and its so so sad. she needs a focus season soon. u dont just drop a fun character with an intriguing backstory and just ditch it.

look im not going to read this back to fix things around if it seems disjointed with a lack of direction IDCCCC i am cringe and free!

#asks ♡#hate this fcking game

8 notes · View notes

claudiajcregg · 3 months

Note

S5 Pregnancy AU - I’d love to hear about!

Welp, this is embarrassing – mostly because this has been sitting in my inbox for almost two weeks, and I kept saying “I need to write something up!” and then… I didn't. (Or rather, I did, then I forgot to post it.) Sorry for the wait, Lil! Thank you for asking <3 (I'll divide this up because I keep writing about the process and how it came to be, instead of any actual, interesting facts.)

I have talked about this one in the past though I don't have a tag for it. The gist is what it says… (Early) S5 but CJ is pregnant. I had this idea over a year ago when I hit mid/late S4 in my rewatch. I thought it'd be interesting to explore some of her disappointment at that time if you added an unexpected pregnancy to it, even if I had the idea before even getting there, lol. Think, the ending-ish of Han, or parts of Disaster Relief. (Both of which do feature! I surprisingly focus a lot on Disaster Relief.)

The thing with S5 is that the timeline is so weird, and I feel I've also created one that isn't entirely realistic but I think it works within the story. (IIRC, the season starts in “May” but also July, then the Shutdown is in November, lmao. A few of the episodes are sneaky two-parters that flow into each other… See 5-6, 7-8.) I've finally gotten out of the no-man's-land I wrote myself into and the next chapter or two, knowing myself, will deal with 7-8! There are a couple of scenes that should be fun to write! (There are so many details I want to mention that are technically spoilers for early twists…)

Every time I had the urge to write it, I'd edit whatever outline I was working in, and though I kept some details… my muse decided to make a big change early on that completely changed the fic's direction. That, and my inability to write anything succinctly. No reason why this story will cross the 100k barrier in a couple of chapters, tops. (It's sitting at 85k across 12 chapters. I think it'll be less than 20 chapters total. Hopefully.)

This might be too long to share snippets, but I've shared some either on the server or here, a couple of months ago.

For more irrelevant details on the “process”…

As I hinted at, I wrote an outline or two around this time last year, because I couldn't stop thinking about it. When I say outlines, it's a general path for the story to follow – ideas, suggestions of dialogue and/or scenes I write to myself; all focused around some sort of chapter structure. I find it much easier to write if I write down where a chapter might go, even if it's just a few lines saying “This happens → then this → finally this;” otherwise, it takes me months. Some would say that I should post it and get encouragement that way but… I hate being dependent on something I can control even less than my muse? That's not for me, thank you. Mad respect for those who work like that.

It was meant to be short – 1-2 “long” chapters per trimester, more if needed, but then interludes in between trimesters. It's not that. Most chapters currently cover 1-2 weeks, but there is not really a pattern. I was afraid of having a fic that would take over my life like the WOWO did three years ago… And it has, but I've also taken breaks and not felt too guilty about them. I definitely don't want this one to sit in my drive and have me wondering what to do with it.

(The novel, aka WOWO, aka IM AU (2021): 150k written in a little over five months, even with extended breaks over the summer. Still hits, even with all its crazy decisions, maybe because of them, but it's also been too long, and it will always remind me of someone who kinda hurt me. Attempts to replace those memories by sharing the story with others, trying to gather whether it's worth posting, have failed, lmao. One day! Maybe!)

But yeah. Uuuuuhhhh. As I've said… Twelve chapters in ten months, 85k words… It's still not done. In fact, I've repeatedly said I am unsure of how to end it (beyond the obvious), but I'd estimate it to be under 20 chapters. I'm not posting it anywhere yet because I want to be able to edit it as a whole and try to make it more consistent; to add little details as I come up with them. There's also the fact that I am not skilled enough to write a compelling story that mixes politics and emotion into something remotely engaging. As a result, the story's politics are very surface-level, and probably repetitive at points, but it's also true I've always been more interested and focused on the emotional journey and the relationship(s) at its center. (Which should surprise exactly no one who's ever read one of my stories.)

But, as critical as I might sound of myself here, I am having fun writing this and I'm committed to seeing it through. I just keep having ideas for stories down the line, putting actual show events through a 'but she also has a kid' perspective.

#mihrsuri #asks #wip ask game #wip title ask game #even despite all the rewriting and editing this is still rambly af #doesn't make sense #I wish I could say what happens at the end of chapter 3 lmao #hadn't even realized that link was to yours! funny how you asked about this one then too #the same way thalia asked about bars :D #thank you for asking and sorry for the delay!

2 notes · View notes

rubyjean-jacket-blog · 2 years

Text

writing first drafts

as writers, there's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves: obsessing over getting everything right the first time, trying to make everything we put on a page the most incredible, moving, intriguing piece of literature ever written. and not only is that not realistic, it's also not at all helpful. so i'm going to outline a bit of my outlook and process when it comes to first drafts, in the hopes that it helps someone else out there on the interweb, and lessens some of my own discomfort with writing first drafts.

if you're subscribed to my tog fic fanaticism, you might know where this post is going already.

the point is this: writing is a process.

well, duh, i hear you say. that's obvious. you start with the first word, and then you write all the words that come after.

and to that, I say:

you don't have to start at the beginning. sometimes a story idea starts with an ending. sometimes it starts with a middle. sometimes all you have is a beginning, or a setting, or a character. whatever it is, a story does not pop into being fully-realised and in the perfect narrative (or chronological, even!) order.

sometimes you're writing a scene with a baller line of dialogue at the beginning. and when you get to the end of the scene, you realise that the beginning is a bit wonky because of that line, so you move that line to the end.

but wait! there's more!

writing is messy. there's so much more that happens between an idea and the finished work. the first draft isn't good -- it doesn't even look like literature, in most cases.

now, when I say "first draft," i mean that literally. my first drafts are the first written records i have of a story idea. here's another good way of thinking about first drafts:

here's my (completely unedited) first draft for chapter 33 of the aforementioned fanaticism. be warned: here there be typos!

I have to finsih fanatacism. I onkwo i writie it for myself but ther’es people that read it, and so i feel like i can’t just iugnore them. The nett the hapter im writing is kind of boring; its hard ot get it to say the write things’ ha. Funny typo. Yusuf and nicolo are djisjgighs awkward around each other which is kind of difficult because theyve already havd one lowe confession moment and its hard to have two in a row een though i think it makes sense given their characters and the circumstances. Nivolo fon’y let people in easily, and i ddon’t think hes ready to be open with andromache. Maybe not quynh either, but i think they get along better because she’s less pushy thna andromache. Why is ysuf holding back??? External validation?? That;’s pronbalby it. He came from a very loving home where they said their love loudly, and know he’s with nicolo, half-feral and bad at showing emotions, andromache, who is keeping herself at a distance in ordre to protect her soft heart, and quynh, who’s denying her own feelings and therefore not able to be poroplery genuine with anyone else. Booker. Yipes.

this isn't always what my first drafts look like. this time, i did a freewrite, meaning i wrote without interruption. basically just vomited words onto the page. (post about freewriting to come!)

now, did i have any actual plot in this first draft? any beautiful prose? nope! instead, i had typos and nonsense and vague ideas and tangents into unrelated topics.

it doesn't matter if the words you're writing are shit. you're allowed to write shit. most of the stuff i write is shit, and people more successful than me would agree. the important thing here is volume: once you churn out enough shit, maybe you'll find something in the shitpile that interests you or makes you think of a cool dialogue exchange, metaphor, or whatever. once the words start flowing, it's so much easier to keep them coming.

let's circle back to my shitpile.

Yusuf and nicolo are djisjgighs awkward around each other which is kind of difficult because theyve already havd one lowe confession moment and its hard to have two in a row een though i think it makes sense given their characters and the circumstances. Nivolo fon’y let people in easily, and i ddon’t think hes ready to be open with andromache. Maybe not quynh either, but i think they get along better because she’s less pushy thna andromache.

That;’s pronbalby it. He came from a very loving home where they said their love loudly, and know he’s with nicolo, half-feral and bad at showing emotions, andromache, who is keeping herself at a distance in ordre to protect her soft heart, and quynh, who’s denying her own feelings and therefore not able to be poroplery genuine with anyone else.

now, this is interesting. i'm going to clean this idea up so y'all can actually fuckin read it.

Yusuf and Nicolo are awkward around each other. They've already had a moment of intimacy between them, but they haven't acknowledged their feelings since that moment. For Nicolo, this is because he doesn't let people in easily. He's not ready to be open with Yusuf when there's an audience, like Andromache or Quynh. For Yusuf, it's because he's used to affection being shown very openly, so he's not reading any of the cues Nicolo is dropping.

okay. those are character motivations. those are emotions. now we're cooking!

so, next, I thought about every awkward moment i've ever had with another human being, particularly ones that i like(d) or love(d) in significant ways. what are some ways that people show affection for each other?

compliments, borrowing/offering belongings, spending time together, gifts

cool. easy. now, write those scenes.

They will sit beside each other at supper – Yusuf will compliment Nicolo on the stew, if Nicolo cooked, and Nicolo will mumble something dismissive and embarrassed under his breath and that will be the end of it. If Yusuf has cooked, the roles will reverse, and Nicolo will be the one stumbling through thanking Yusuf, who flushes so dark that it almost looks unhealthy.

for those of you keeping track, this is DRAFT FIVE. (four, if you don't count outlining the love languages.) in these later drafts, we can do what you probably think of as actual editing: word choice, grammar, pacing, etc.

writing is a PROCESS. it's not pretty or immediate; it takes time. creative inspiration isn't lightning striking a tree and starting a forest fire, it's starting a campfire with flint and steel: striking two ideas together with determination and patience and resilience.

go write. you've got this!

#writing #writing tips #writing advice #writing resources #first drafts #beware there are typos here #the writing process #writing first drafts #ao3 #ao3 author #is this self promo? i guess

21 notes · View notes

onlyhuis · 11 months

Note

hihi im starting a writing blog for svt but im relatively new to tumblr and its mechanics and all the etiquette and things like that. also im a jun biased and im weird in the way where i don't usually have inspo for other members? if that makes sense? so like idk is there anything i need to know or is it relatively acceptable to mostly only write for one or two members?

also sidenote but i really love some of your writings ahaha match of the season is my favourite :D thank you so much if you ever reply!

no that totally makes sense! i would say most authors on here will write for ot13 but they definitely write more for their bias than any other member. i feel the same way, for me it's easier to write for jun than for other members (and also i love him lol) so my writing ends up being like 90% jun and 10% other members. which is completely fine! at the end of the day it's your blog and your writing, and you should write for whoever you feel comfortable writing for and whoever gives you the most motivation. there are hundreds of writers on this site so if one writer only writes for a couple of members, it doesn't mean the other members won't get written :) nobody says you're required to write certain things or for certain members!

if you intentionally leave out one member but write for all the rest (i've seen writers who write ot12 and exclude jun because they aren't attracted to him), you might get some side eyes but again that is your choice. i personally wouldn't say a hard no to any members and i'll give them all my best shot, but that's my blog, and your blog is up to you.

as for things you'd need to know, i'd say the number one thing is interact with people! the best way to get interaction on your own work is to reblog and comment on other fics. as i'm sure you've heard me say before, reblogs are the most important feature on this site! it basically boils down to, treat others how you would want to be treated by reblogging their works and leaving feedback, even if it's just a simple "i really loved this!!!". it makes you stand out in our notifs and if you're also a writer it might even get you a new mutual.

other tips off the top of my head:

have a masterlist post (helps people find all your fics in one place) and have a guidelines post (makes it clear what you're comfy with)

DO NOT PLAGIARIZE AND DO NOT STEAL ANYONE ELSE'S WRITING (this one is in caps bc super super important!!! you can take ideas or inspiration from someone else but you cannot take their words or their writing. you'd think this one would be obvious but plagiarism happens a lot more than you'd think)

if you're inspired by someone else, tag them in your fic! it shows respect to the original author, and you should tag them whether it was from a fic you read or if they helped you brainstorm ideas. it doesn't have to be a super long thing, just a little "inspired by @onlyhuis's fic!!" is more than enough, but it goes a long way :)

like i said, you can write for whoever you want, whenever you want! when ppl start interacting you it's gonna be stressful because you want to make them happy and put out new fics often, but just remember that it's your blog and you get the final say on everything. don't put pressure on yourself to write constantly because you will get burned out and i promise it will not be fun!

if people send things that make you uncomfy, don't be afraid to delete (or block) them. it's your blog and your boundaries so don't feel guilty for standing up for yourself. also, ignore answer hate asks because they're just looking for attention so don't give it to them

trigger things properly! this is the little section before the fic that says "warnings". don't censor any words (using punctuation like bl00d or d3ath instead of typing blood or death) because it defeats the purpose of ppl who have those keywords filtered, so type out the whole word uncensored. this is a courtesy for people so they can choose to avoid content that may be harmful to them. (this also counts towards visual works, a lot of ppl use tags like "tw flashing" on gifsets)

speaking of tags, when you post be sure to put tags on it! it's the section at the bottom of your post with all the #'s. if you click on any of my fics you can see that i use tags like "jun smut", "seventeen scenarios", etc. these tags help people find what they want to read (but only tag relevant things; don't put "mingyu smut" on a jeonghan fic unless mingyu is actually in the fic). if you aren't sure which tags to use or how to format things, feel free to look at other fics for examples. if you read a lot of fics you might see there's a pretty standard way of doing it

the tags i use like "june.txt" and "june writes" are organizational tags. when you click on, for example, my "june writes" tag, the results are only my fics that have that tag. it basically organizes things into categories (which imo is the best part of tumblr) and it makes it easier to find different types of posts. it also allows people to filter those tags so posts with that tag don't show up (for example, i require minors on my blog to block the tag "minors dni" so that nothing nsfw is shown to them)

again like i said, don't be shy! make friends, join networks, send asks to people, reblog fics, etc etc. interacting with others is the #1 way to make writer friends :)

just a general tumblr tip: no one can see how many followers you have except you, so don't try to make it a competition of who has the most. it's what makes tumblr different from tw*tter and insta and it makes the social media experience a lot more casual because there's no influencers here. it's like a diary where you scream into the void and sometimes ppl scream back. a lot of writers do milestone events (i recently had one for hitting 1k followers) but you aren't required to do those either

if you have any questions about tags, filtering keywords, and other tumblr stuff like that, don't be afraid to ask! any tumblr veteran is more than willing to help break down our weird system to new bloggers

be proud of your work! even if it doesn't get many notes or feedback it doesn't mean you're a bad writer. writing should be fun and something you can enjoy doing, so don't make it seem like a chore by focusing too hard on numbers

i can't think of any more but here's my tag for important posts & info for new tumblrs users that you can look thru for more! i hope this helps :) and when you start your blog send me another ask!! i would love to be your first follower <3

#[💌] — asks #for example there are a lot of gyu/wonu/cheol biased writers so there ends up being a lot more of those fics than for say jun or seungkwan #so i dont feel too bad about not writing them as much bc i know theres already plenty of fics out there for them #and also im so happy you like my writing!! asks like these are something any author would be delighted to receive #it means a lot more than you know <33 #🍜 anon

2 notes · View notes

baahsu · 11 months

Note

i love the idea of mommy reiju pairing up 1234ji in duos to see how they interact individually because i have a hyper specific ass vision of what a 14ji vs 23ji pair up looks like

you. do you know of that one fucking meme format

"when youre both bottoms": an image below continues to show two beastars characters cuddling

"when youre both tops": an image below continues to show two beyblades spinning against one another

(if you, understandbly, have absolutely no clue as to what the hell im talking about, just look up 'two tops beyblade meme')

AND THIS ASK IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE FACT THAT THIS MEME FORMAT (in my opinion <3) IS WHOLLY ROLE REVERSED IN THIS SCENARIO

14ji? both tops in their own right- but i feel like either would be down for the other to fuck them and they wouldn't really fight about it. yonji is. big 👀 so ichiji wouldn't be complaining, allowing his need for control to fade away bc he trusts yonji to keep him safe.

and same goes vice versa- i think that if yonji would be willing to let any of his brothers top him, itd be ichiji. you can always trust big brother to treat you nicely (or to torture you, if that's what you want <3)

but on the OTHER hand...

niji and sanji, 23ji, both bottoms in their own right, are SCRABBLING at one another. niji wins for obvious reasons, but like... they can NOT fuck normally as a pair, they HAVE to be biting eachother, pulling hair, running nails across backs, throwing each other around.. it might even get to the point where reiju starts to wonder if she needs to step in before realizing that 'oh. this. this is their foreplay.'

and ofc niji wins out in the end, putting sanji in his place (his place being directly underneath niji <3) and fucking him till kingdom come, but like... they cant just Do That at the beginning. they need the built up tension or else its no fun

the end of this experiment leaves reiju wondering if at least two of her little brother are masochists (because she already knows 3 of em are sadists <3)

Reiju doing something like this is one my favorite concepts, she totally would!! She'd want to see how they interact, who makes who scream more, who likes to feel pain, who likes to inflic pain, who is softer, who cries and who makes the other cry. She'd think it's incredibly interesting and enlightening, but of course there's something in it for her too, as the good voyeur that she is she obvously get off on observing them too

To me it's the fact that you'd initially imagine ichiji and yonji would be the ones going absolutely insane because "there's no way in hell I'm gonna bottom, fight me for it", but ichiji's too calm and yonji knows he can simply use force to get what he wants if he's uncomfortable, so they easily settle into a silent agreement. Meanwhile it's niji and sanji instead going at each other like angry cats lol

The best is that niji and sanji are indeed the short tempered ones, so anything they get involved in has a chance to escalate, but when you pair them together?? There'll surely be blood and bite marks and nail scratches and purple bruises. I can imagine them growling at each other, "I'll make you mine", and they both shiver from it. Sanji's not used to seeing this particular side of niji and niji takes notice of it amidst his lust filled mind, so from there it's easier to overpower sanji, catch him right at a moment where he's gasping and pin him down

#vinsmokecest

6 notes · View notes

radioves · 2 years

Text

i saw a bunch of other people doing trafficsonas and since its come to my attention that cringe culture can burn ive decided to make my own lol

still on the fence about the skull and bone charm thing. idk someone give me feedback and i might change it out or remove it

this is ermine. his name isnt permanent i might change it considering its literally just polilla’s dads name. also if it isnt obvious hes based off polilla bc my current skin doesnt have much to work off of

lives in a cave in the middle of the tundra because its ‘easier to defend’, which is codeword for ‘who the hell would put effort into building a house when you got a house built by mother nature herself right here’

literal menace. finds joy in blowing up peoples houses despite the current life hes on. also disappeared for the entire first session just to breed an entire army of dogs for the sole reason of He Could

depending on his life, his pupil color and sword gem changes color, while the badges on his sash crack and stop glowing. theres also moths on the back of his shawl that change color, and starting from green life as he loses lives he also loses moths, until hes only left with a big red moth on his last life [queue laugh track]

the beads are random colors but the ones on his dogs do correlate to the life theyre on- btw if your wondering why the heart colors are weird its bc i just color picked from his outfit and just turn the saturation and brightness up, hence why green is yellow and yellow is orange

i am planning* [*see : rotating it in my mind] on making a traffic hc post about how the players make their clothes, but the basics is they spawn in with their clothes from other servers, but as their clothes get torn up from classic scuffles such as Dying, they have to make new clothes with what they have to work with, for example: wool, leather, string, cotton / hemp / other plant-based materials, furs, etc.

as for ermine, he spawns in with his base clothes [sweater, pants, and boots] and has to make the rest of his clothes with various leathers and fur. and for the select few of you asking where he got the polar bear parts: um uh uhm,,, i personally believe that the map he plays in is alot bigger and encompasses more biomes, including cold biomes such as his tundra and also frozen oceans.

its kinda like a uhc game in a way if you think about it, with a bigger but still enclosed map, and the border slowly closes in each session until all the players are forced into the middle and ok i need to just make a proper post for this stuff Moving on

the dog breeding deal kinda backfires on him when he dies to a skeleton while farming bones [he just like me fr [bc he is]]

after that he kinda begins to realize ‘damn. im gonna die’ and starts wearing the mask more, kinda as a threat, bc we all know characters with masks are more mysterious and therefor dangerous. except for him bc he runs at the sight of any conflict as he is absolute ASS at fighting. hence the blowing everything up part

when he dies again his were-aspect starts to show itself in places like him growing wolf and dragon parts and scales and fur showing up on his face and limbs. its kinda annoying but he supposes its useful considering it also comes with heightened senses + partial night vision

and now red life. This is when it all goes downhill for everyone including him

like all stereotypical weres, he loses the majority of his sense of humanity and just starts going literally, as the cool kids say, off the shits- he doesnt hesitate to attack everyone and anyone, even if it risks him getting killed in the process. there is no stops for this man, someone is going to die and it doesnt matter who

yes he still has his dogs, at least the ones that remain, though at this point hes less a commander and more one of them, attacking in one big pack of fluffy piranhas

dubbed ‘the bloodhound’, he attacks mainly under the cover of dark, be it at night or in dark places like caves. just like his namesake, once he gets a scent on his next victim, he will track them down to the ends of time until they finally turn and fight back

the name ‘bloodhound’ comes from the concept of werewolves shifting during the full moon, the inherent violence of red lifes, the fact that hes literally a dog, bloodmoons, his red circle markings, etc. etc. tl;dr its cool

#if anythings spelt wrong sorry i dont care lol #trafficsona #trafficblr #digital art #artists on tumblr #illustration #:0

16 notes · View notes

pacifymebby · 1 year

Note

Happy new year Layla:) Do you have any tips for self care? I've started this year feeling real low x

Happy new year to you too lovely, I'm sorry to hear you've started the year on such a low!! I feel like this time of year is always a sucker for that because you're surrounded by everyone making goals and "starting fresh" or like "clean" and there's a lot of pressure on everyone to be making good healthy changes for self improvement or to be happy and stuff. When actually like, this is the worst time of year to be making those kinds of changes, like its cold and dark all the time and u know, sometimes u just wanna sleep and chill and be easy on yourself? idk thats how I feel anyway

but I started the year feeling pretty low too and I haven't exactly pulled myself out of it yet either (especially now im ill I really have just stayed in bed every day since the new year began)

stuff I would recommend though

try and work out if something major is causing the low feelings, if its something solid and obvious then see if there's anything small u could do to make things slightly easier (for example a thing I was very very stressed about was my credit card bill and yesterday I paid it off so that it was one less thing to worry about) (another is my gas/electric bill and in a minute when im done typing this ill go and actually take my meter readings and send them in, because I've been horribly worried about them) I don't mean any of those things lightly either btw, those aren't small problems for me, they're huge looming mountains of stress that really can leave me bedridden with anxiety lol

if the problems more abstract or u can't really figure out what's making u feel shit then u know, maybe you are just tired? I find the end of the year very overwhelming, what with he highs of Christmas and new year, the social interaction the constant positivity and stuff, its exhausting and u may well just be very very worn out. so like, let urself acknowledge that u don't feel great, you're having a rough wee time of it lately and that u need a little time to chill out and reset.

my old recs used to be like, take a nice hot bath or something but now im like, cost of living crisis who can even afford a bath anymore amirite so

cook yourself ur favourite meal or treat yourself by going out for breakfast or lunch or something, I find it easier to go out for lunch or for a coffee on my own than I would out for dinner iygwim

reread a book you love

go for a little walk, just something small to get yourself out of the house, try and walk somewhere like a park and take your headphones off so that you can hear the birds and stuff!!

like idk how to explain it but sometimes taking your headphones off and listening to the world around you, other people, traffic, bird/ animal noises is really grounding and makes u feel part of something rather than cut off and alone

that being said sometimes having a cigarette and listening to ur favourite record is also the cure for all ailments so

call a friend, not even in a reaching out kind of way, just in a now might be a good time to catch up with a pal kind of way

clean your room/ a room in ur house, make it super cosy with blankets and candles and shit, then make yourself a brew and watch ur favourite comfort movie?

wash ur face, do a face mask, or a hair mask and comb your hair.

set yourself really small tasks for the day, things you have been putting off that will maybe only take five minutes to do, when you have done each thing cross it off your little list and then when u have finished the list 1) you will feel accomplished af 2) u can reward yourself however u see fit

sometimes I put music on really loud and sing along to it whilst im doing the dishes or cleaning the house and I feel really uplifted afterwards

run urself the hot bath bestie, it doesn't cost as much as we're all worried it will

go to the cinema by yourself? this one works for me sometimes? there's something really cleansing about stepping out into broad daylight after you've been in the cinema in the morning

go wander round some charity shops

sometimes u really do just need a few hours curled up under a blanket with a hot drink or a snack.

Also

if you're feeling low in a similar way to me (ed stuff idk) something im trying really hard to do is stay away from shit like Pinterest/ THAT side of Tumblr/ twitter. I'm trying to take each meal as it comes, reminding myself that u gotta eat when ur hungry (I have given myself so many little repeats of lectures b has given me in the past about eating lol)

I'm like, planning an activity for whilst I eat, like, I'll make porridge for breakfast then watch a shitty anime or cartoons the way I would have done when I was a kid. Or I'll make dinner and watch a movie with it. Something thats enough of a pleasant distraction.

Also I'm getting a lot of nutrition through soups and stuff, because they have always been easier for me to eat. Like not pushing myself too far or putting pressure on myself to be the perfect recoveree but also making sure I look after myself.

If thats not the kind of low you're feeling then just ignore all that, but I thought id leave it in just in case because I know a lot of my mutuals do get the same way I do sometimes.

The main thing is to remember to be forgiving of yourself. This isn't a forever feeling and eventually the depression will pass. Listen to All Things Must Pass by George Harrisson and know its the most truthful song in the world. this time of year is always tough but be gentle with yourself and know I am always here if u need to vent or want to talk!!!!! sending you love and good vibes bestie <3 xsxx

2 notes · View notes

airasora · 1 year

Note

Some thoughts Ive had about the handmaids tale hollina au you brought up ages ago but man it would be so good either way. I think itd be so interesting if Holli, as beautiful and, er, voluptious and basically like built for baby making (the wide hips and big breats - sorry if im sound gross im trying to think of it in gilead logic LOL) turns out to be barren. Idk how she'd land in a position as a commanders wife but it'd be such a subversion for her to be the cocky sarcastic woman she is in that position. (I think of serena waterford being all sarcastic about how useless men are in the first season lol). And then youd have Lina who is the sweet pure little bean - what could she have done to land her in the position of handmaid!? I think itd be easier for them to fall into an affair with this dynamic as well - handmaid Lina being submissive to the wife of the household and Holli taking advantage of that. I think thatd be so interesting to explore. But Holli being a stripper/adultress/etc but fertile thus landing as a handmaid and Lina being the perfect image of a wife to a commander sticking to the rules makes a lot more sense if we were to think technically/in-character reality if you threw them in Gilead. Ugh its so hard to choose - I've been thinking about this way too much 🙈 I guess i just wanted to hear more about your thoughts on this au if you have any

I have been in this exact same position for literal MONTHS as well cause DAMN I love both scenarios.

With Holli being the wife, we'd get to see her be absolutely ruthless towards Lina, kinda like Serena towards June. But then Lina might see Holli in a vulnerable position and being as kind as she is offers support and comfort, resulting in them eventually building an odd trust between each other, which would then blossom into love eventually.

I could see Holli not even really wanting a child, and I see her in a really loveless marriage, just as forced upon her as Lina is as a handmaid. I see Holli as this really bitter, unlikable woman whose shell Lina has to spend a lot of time breaking through.

With Lina being the wife, I could see her being so sad to be in the position she's in, heartbroken to watch her husband have sex with another woman in front of her and guilty for being part of a system that regularly rapes women. So she always tries to be kind to Holli, even trying to be her friend, just to provide some sort of comfort. And Holli just wanting absolutely nothing to do with her for, well, obvious reasons.

I could see Holli also viewing Lina as someone really weak, this meek little submissive girl and then, when Holli would get pregnant, I could see a situation where Lina protects Holli from, let's say, an Aunt trying to use that... electrical baton? What's it called? (Please let me know) And Lina would basically FINALLY actually speak up and get angry, and everyone would be in shock cause Lina is this very sweet, meek woman, so no one even knows how to react to hearing her yell at an Aunt.

I guess, while I love both, with Lina being the wife and Holli the handmaid, it gives a pretty cool dynamic shift as wives are usually the dominant ones with handmaids being the submissive ones and to have Holli and Lina, where one is clearly has an overall more aggressive personality than the other in canon, switch dynamics like that would maybe be more interesting.

But, yeah, I love both. I might do both set-ups, and to just make it two short fanfics separate from each other.

#hollina #the handmaid's tale #the handmaid's tale au #holli would #thumbelina

3 notes · View notes

ithisatanytime · 6 months

Video

youtube

Charli XCX & Troye Sivan - 1999 [Official Video]

im gonna try to give a couple more examples to clear up and hopefully summarize my point on mass shootings but well see how it goes

first scenario, imagine the united states racial demographics were more like 99 percent jewish and one percent white, so basically an inversion of the racial demographics prior to unchecked immigration from mexico and ignoring blacks for simplicities sake. this may come as a shock to you, but i dont really feel personal predjudice against your average jew, and in fact i get along better and identify with them a little easier because im nuerotic and intellectual and a film buff etc. however if in that scenario i was the only white man in a school comprised entirely of jews and i either didnt realize i was jewish or didnt understand the extant of the difference between our two peoples, i might be tempted to do a mass shooting! why dont i have any friends? why am i so different? why are these guys such massive fucking perverts i mean i get horny too but im not gonna straight up grab some chicks ass on the back of the bus and make her cry just because shes there and i might get away with it! and likewise my jewish peers might wonder why im so prone to violent confrontation, why i care so little about money or academic accolades etc. now if i were say a chinese foriegn nationals son named ping attending this school, many of those same challenges would be remain but the source of the discomfort would be obvious to all and wed work a little harder to bridge the gap, when the difference between two peoples SEEMS either nonexistant or subtle but is in fact a wide gulf, and the reason isnt clear, you start running into serious issues. in that scenario im the same man i am now, and over all, im proud of the choices ive made, not all but on the whole im glad for the man i ended up being, but in that scenario i would be convinced that there was something DEEPLY DEEPLY wrong with me, after all its not allll the other students who are wrong and IM right, but then what? what human could just decide that happiness was never for them, comfort was never for them, and the literal torture they are subjected to by their peers are their own fault and they deserve it? no one will do this, no one does this. in this scenario suicide is the OBVIOUS answer, but if you have your heart set on dying you have nothing really to lose, so why not take out your tormenters who are alien to you to the degree that you cant even see them as human and they feel much the same way about you.

the other scenario hopefully will be brief and parts of it arent gonna make a lot of sense, but if you get it you will much better understand the underlying point.

pretend its the vietnam war still, white europeans are killing south east asians, and sure there were some vietnamese and blacks fighting on the americans side and some whites on the other, but almost every war is fought along ethnic lines and this is not a coincidence but the true purpose of war, it is the survival of the fittest competition when applied to highly social animals like us. imagine in this scenario the united states somehow transported american teenagers into vietnamese schools, but outwardly they looked vietnamese and had artificial vietnamese memories implanted to better fit it (LOOK I TOLD YOU IT WAS A SLOPPY METAPHOR JUST BEAR WITH ME) suppose one of these american sleeper cells just couldnt fit in with their peers, even though outwardly they were vietnamese inwardly they werent and they felt no kinship with these south east asian people beyond the most base layer of politeness. in his isolation, and inability to understand anyone around him, he snaps and shoots up his vietnamese school... mission accomplished?

i know thats confusing as hell, but what im getting at is these jew mass shooters arent doing anything that warriors havent done to neighboring tribes since the beginning of time, the difference is we had the genius idea of jumbling all these peoples up within the same border, under the same roof, almost like sharing a bed with a complete stranger. the conflict that arises is not just inevitable but benificial for the survival of the species, it IS the competition and it wont be put off for you or oprah winfrey or anyone, these are our instincts. people like klebold and harris, the tranny shooter recently, uncle ted the unabomber, even if they arent consciously aware that they are living basically alone amongst a potentially hostile foreign tribe, they know it on an intuitive level because it is instinct, and would do war from within our own borders against us.

#youtube

0 notes

keefwho · 1 year

Text

March 12 - 2023

8:11 AM

Not only does seeking out other friends feel like I’m betraying my current friends, enjoying my own time a little too much feels like that too. It’s silly and I know it. It’s almost like I believe I shouldn’t do anything too crazy without them because I’m expected to share good experiences. Obviously this isn’t true and I don’t always feel like this but sometimes I do. I don’t want to limit myself because of this belief.

11:48 AM

Im so STUNLOCKED, I want to find something to do. I’d consider this to be a decent problem I have. It doesn’t seem like it on the surface but just like when people say they are ALWAYS bored, it can be more serious than it seems. I was like that too and it made me realize it was because I was out of touch with my values (and still am). What I feel right now is different than boredom, its more like I can’t pick what to commit to. But there are things I want to do.

3:24 PM

I’m still learning that I severely limit myself by the stories I believe about myself. My self imposed truths. My “character.” I was reading something about it and I was able to out loud identify some things I believe true about myself which is very important since it allows me to address them directly.

I believe I cannot experience love, because I’ve always been a sort of creep deserving of being rejected. It’s just who I am.

I believe I am not worthy of stable friendships, like I am of low social value inherently. Along with this comes the belief that I am unable to be more social or learn to care more about people I don’t know.

I believe I have nowhere to go in life. Like this is all I get. I’ve peaked and cannot grow any further.

Theses are just a few I can think of off the top of my head. Today it felt very easy to identify them, easier than ever before I think. I’ve been wanting to achieve this.

3:58 PM

I was thinking about my empathy problem and tried making it easier to grasp the entire pipeline.

The fact is as a child I went through circumstances that limited my ability to learn empathy so it became stunted. Not that I lacked it entirely, but I think I always had a mild autism-like level of it. I learned how to behave and be fair towards people so it might not be obvious to anyone else, but I don’t FEEL as connected with others as I should. I have methods to work on it but I have a different underlying problem to tackle first that directly affects my ability to grow in this area. That is the kinds of beliefs I listed earlier. Fundamentally I alienate myself from others by believing I am not good enough or that I am too weird to fit in. I cannot easily relate to others when I self sabotage in this way. If I work on that then growing my connections with others becomes much easier. Its also important to put aside the belief that I cannot grow because it turns me away from putting in the actual work. I often times don’t do something that I know will help me because I’m thinking “Its not like I can actually improve anyways.”

I’m very thankful to have people in my life I have genuinely connected with though. One person in particular is the most relatable and human person I might have ever met and I can’t appreciate her enough. I didn’t have to TRY to relate to her and I think meeting her has been very important to my growth.

11:39 PM

I get riled up SO easily that it’s almost annoying. Or like when it happens and I know the other person isn’t trying to be horny, all I can think about is when someone did that to me and how uncomfortable I’d feel or how I thought I had to avoid horny talk as much as possible so I wouldn’t encourage them. I do NOT want to be that kind of person to someone else. Not that I am, but I could become that if I don’t stay aware of it. I choose to exercise a little more self control than others have showed me.

Im just eager to fuck in general these days. I used to be moderately sexual active with multiple people like, a year or 2 ago. But it got stale and now I only want to engage in activity with people I’m close with which is very very few people. I don’t think I want to just VR fuck around with strangers or acquaintances. So I’m in a bit of a conundrum. My first plan was to not think about it and simply not take part but that would be a form of suppression and I really don’t think it’s a good idea. I want to find a suitable outlet for when I get real down bad. Drawing might be it. Illustrating my fantasies specifically so I can get off to them.

12:52 AM

Going to bed late AGAIN because it was drinky night. Tomorrow I want to wake up and try to remind myself that I am in fact not in some kind of purgatory where nothing ever changes. I am constantly growing and changing, and so are the people around me. Things can seem pretty static sometimes but they simply aren’t. There are so many opportunities and paths for me to take if only I can open my eyes to see them. I want to detach from the belief that I am just clinging on to all I have left. Things can grow and new things can happen.

0 notes

traumatictouch · 3 years

Text

why tomura reads like a sexual abuse survivor

ive noticed that a lot of survivors - including me - easily read tomura as a csa survivor. ive decided to try to put these impressions into words, mostly for myself, but also for anyone curious as to why he’s so frequently read this way, or why i personally write him as such. i will mostly be elaborating on the reoccurring sexual assault imagery and csa survivor traits tomura exhibits.

triggering themes ahead, including discussed child sexual abuse, incest (sibling and pseudo), trauma and its effects, and sexual assault imagery (from the bnha manga itself). also spoilers for the most recent manga arc.

(disclaimer: i realize symptoms of trauma are pretty much common all across the board, and depression also comes with a lot of these behaviors - but there are some that crop up more commonly in cases of sexual abuse (especially from a young age) than in others. csa survivors also frequently end up with depression, too, so that doesn't necessarily take away from it.)

i’ll start with the cover above. the hands touching him here are much more expressive than the ones he usually wears. it's also framed in a way where you can't see the ends/cap things very well, and they don't appear so symmetrical, making them feel much more like real, living hands grabbing him.

there's also the fact that his face is exposed, which is something we had rarely seen him do willingly at this point in the manga, and even when he had he was still covered up with a hoodie or completely alone. the way he's covering half his face gives off the impression that he's not okay with the way he's exposed.

all of that, plus the obvious distress tomura is in, gives this very glaring assault vibes.

also, the hands on his head are clearly someone's actual, living hands as well. my guess is afo, especially since they seem to be petting him, which is reoccurring imagery between tomura and afo.

tomura's total lack of privacy

there's a clear lack of boundaries between tomura and the adults in his life. most of the spaces that seem to belong to tomura (the bar - he feels safe enough there to take Father off, and his room) are accompanied by cameras and audio transmissions from afo. he has no privacy, and doesn't even seem bothered by this fact.

he also doesn't seem to set boundaries with other people in general. toga can hold a knife to his neck, spinner can grab him and yell in his face, the doctor can shout over his earpiece, dabi (or anyone, really) can say whatever rude or callous things he wants to him… really the only time i can think of that even comes close was when mr. compress made a joke about working with overhaul and tomura said "hey, not funny."

he seems to kinda just let whatever happen to him. earlier in the series, tomura seemed to rely on kurogiri to notice when he needed space and step in for him rather than ask for it himself. that's a pretty telltale sign of someone who's had their needs and boundaries violated (or even punished) for a long time.

Tomuras over-attachment to afo and his praise/affection

obviously afo groomed tomura whether it involved sexual abuse or not, but it is something that could have easily lended itself to that as well. early in the series, tomura clearly highly valued afos opinion of him, and seemed to strive to please and repay him for his kindness. these are feelings afo incited in him on purpose and did, canonically, take advantage of to turn tomura into a villain and pawn - who's to say he didn't use it for other purposes, too?

it's also the kind of thing survivors tend to latch onto to cope with their abuse. it can be easier to think of the event as being affection, returning a favor, and/or special treatment, than to think of it as abuse. tomura looked up to afo so much that it's possible he could have considered (or been convinced) that it was special that someone as great as afo wanted to do something so intimate with him.

also, if this is really tomura realizing his sensei isn't as special and powerful as he'd been led to believe, then his reaction being to cover up while looking angry might, well… be a reaction to feeling used.

Tomura & older men

there's not a lot of people besides afo that tomura seems very quickly, openly… invested in. there are two major ones i can think of, and they are both 1. older men, and 2. mentor figures (even if not to tomura.)

the most obvious of the two is aizawa, who tomura has seemed pretty fond of since his first appearance and, even in the most recent chapters, can't seem to help but think about how cool aizawa is. aizawa isn't a mentor to tomura, obviously, but he is a teacher and tomura knows this. (and seems impressed by the way he tries to protect the students in his care--something afo very specifically does not do for tomura.)

the second, and perhaps less obvious to most, is Stain. i wrote up a whole post trying (trying.) to explain the way tomura seemed interested in him, and you can see a bit more about that and how tomura was hoping he'd be a mentor to him here.

in other words, tomura has shown reoccurring interest in older men, who are mentors, that he does not show for anyone else.

early sexual abuse can influence a person's attractions. survivors tend to be drawn to what is familiar, even if it hurt, and so it's pretty common for them to be attracted to and/or desire a relationship with those who resemble their abuser(s).

and afo is an older man who is a mentor to tomura (and others.)

immaturity (& age regression)

tomura, in early canon, is often described by characters in-universe as being childish, especially in regards to how he processes his emotions. (i don't really like to conflate these things with "age" or "being childish" - but the way the manga itself presents these qualities is clearly intended to give tomura a immature/childish vibe.)

tomura's emotional processing, simple motivations, fixation with video games, toys littering his room, and need for close caregiving (kurogiri) all give off the impression that he's had trouble developing the way he "”should”" have--kind of like he didn't really move on at all.

this sort of stunted development tends to occur in people with childhood trauma, especially csa survivors. ptsd at its core is the brain getting "stuck" in the moment of trauma, so if the trauma occurred as a child, then one's development is somewhat halted there, especially in areas of emotional processing, because the brain and body have to dedicate so much energy to just trying to cope and survive. it's pretty common for csa survivors to have trouble coping with and controlling their emotions.

relatedly: i have no real way to confirm this right now, but i’ve heard that during the mla arc, while tomura was kind of going in and out of flashbacks, he started switching to using “boku” - a self pronoun for young boys - as opposed to his usual “ore”). ive since had to wonder if this is a reoccurring state for tomura - it might partly explain why he keeps his toys around despite never showing interest in them on-screen, and has such close supervision from kurogiri.

again, age regression can go for any kind of childhood trauma, but seems very common in child sexual abuse survivors in particular.

Lack of hygiene (esp oral)

look at how tomura's teeth are drawn compared to even another villains. dabis teeth are straight and clean, whereas tomura's have holes and chips, and tend to be drawn uneven with wobbly lines, like they're covered in plaque.

not caring for one's hygiene is common for people with depression too - but failure to care for teeth also frequently crops up in survivors of sexual abuse, due to an aversion to things touching or being inside their mouth, because it can remind them of the abuse.

in a similar vein, tomura's hair looks unwashed and greasy to me, especially when it gets long. it sort of gathers in clumps and appears heavy. survivors may avoid taking showers because they aren't comfortable removing their clothes for long periods of time, or because the abuse occurred in proximity to bathing. (which is a convenient time for parental figures to groom and abuse their children, since it already involves them being naked and the parent touching them closely.)

in general, there just seems to be something off about tomura's relationship with his body. maybe it's the way he barely bats an eye at major injuries, doesn't care for his hygiene, self-injures, and didn't mind undergoing a surgery that altered its shape and function pretty heavily--but i get the impression that tomura sees his body as just a tool more than anything.

which, if someone grew up having their body regarded as nothing but a means of pleasure, kind of makes sense.

his clothing

im not sure if this has the same “connotations” (for lack of a better word) for flat chested people, but tomura always wearing a lowcut shirt that shows off a fair amount of his chest, but covering the rest of himself head to toe--including his face--feels significant to me. as well as the way he covers up even more (his hoodie) when he’s stressed. the hands, too--being covered up seems to be calming for him.

the placement of the hands afo gave him

you can't tell me little tenko placed these hands where they are by himself. the ones on his chest aren’t even from his family or meant to resemble them - they’re additional hands afo gave him to wear. pretty weird place for “afo”’s hands to go...

I feel like theres a little bit something to tomura frequently having his clothes ripped off during fights

not that it's particularly uncommon for bnha characters to get their clothes a bit shredded during fights, but i can't help but feel like there's something to tomura getting torn down to nothing but his pants twice, with both battles heavily involving tomura's traumas, including the ones related to afo. the vs mla arc with how tomura met afo and how he turned him into what he is today, then the war arc where the methods afo used to control and abuse tomura (the hands) are brought back again--and afo repeatedly takes tomura's bodily autonomy away from him.

AFO's predatory behaviors

tomuras own behavior aside, All For One himself has some behaviors and imagery that gives off very predatory vibes. i’ll start with Ragdoll…

most people theorize that she was going to be turned into a nomu, but there are two important things here. ragdoll was found 1. alive, and 2. naked. all nomu are made from corpses - if afo had time to take her quirk and undress her, he certainly had time to kill her, especially since three days had passed since she was kidnapped. (and, what benefit would there be to making a nomu out of a quirkless hero?)

her dazed state is also curious - we've never been told taking or giving quirks has a side effect like this, and i would think itd at least wear off after three days…

there's also not actually a lot to suggest she was submerged in one of the tanks (that i know of); in the full body image, she doesn't seem to be soaking wet or anything. there's no water dripping off her. there's just a bit of liquid on her face and neck, which could merely be sweat, or… other fluids.

this next part is more debatable due to it being more dubiously canon (although My Hero: One’s Justice has been known to basically spoil villain related lore before it appears in the manga) - but he has some dialogue that makes him sound... pretty fuckin enthusiastic about sexual violence.

and time and time again, afo has been... very creepy and obsessive about his brother. who happens to look an awful lot like tomura, and is vaguely connected to nana as a user of OFA, and we know how far afo would go to spite both of them.

The "wow this is pretty much confirmed now" page

i always thought i was just projecting when i read tomura as a csa survivor - until i saw this page, which was so viscerally uncomfortable that it made me nauseous. it definitely made me decide i wasn't just reading into things that weren't there. that's not exactly to say this panel 100% confirmed it (though it certainly did in my mind, personally) -- but the imagery here can't not be deliberate.

tomura is literally shirtless and bent over before afo, and sure, afos not completely standing behind him, but that's partially because his lower half is inside of tomura. and from our previous example of afo taking over tomura's body…

i wish i could find the translation i first saw - this is the viz translation, which is notoriously horrible - but the one i read felt much more along the lines of "i saved you, so i get to do what i want with your body."

that is a line of logic that could have EASILY applied to their earlier relationship. the way afo saved tenko was very much on the forefront of tomura's mind early in the series, possibly either an idea he clung onto to justify the abuse he experienced from afo, or something afo personally reminded him of frequently.

also… part of afos body is definitely wrapped around tomura's upper thigh, and in certain panels seems to be emanating from between his legs.

speaking of, tomura's stance is also notable to me. compared to the panel where tomura first realized afo was taking control of him, where his knees are pretty straight on or outwards in a powerful balanced brace, in these panels his knees seem to be bending in towards his body, like he wants to squeeze his legs shut. huh.

i touched on this before, but it's interesting to me that what finally let afo fully take control of tomura's body, was having a hand (one afo very specifically used to control and abuse tomura into doing what he wanted) placed upon his body without permission.

so, all in all, afo is "inside" tomura's body, using it for his own means, against tomura's wishes.

what else does that sound like? no wonder deku feels like tomura needs help, despite everything...

again, this isn't to say that csa is definitely the cause of these things, just that tomura does have an abundance of behaviors and imagery that could easily be read that way.

#shigaraki tomura #tomura shigaraki #Tenko Shimura #boku no hero academia #all for one #afo bnha #bnha #long post #ITS FINALLY HERE #i did my best i hope it makes sense #csa tw #child abuse tw #meta #ooc

2K notes · View notes