#it fucked w his self-esteem and instead of accepting these feelings and moving on he bullied Izuku to feel superior to him again and
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You know what. You can argue all you want that Katsuki hates Izuku, but don't expect people to listen if you only use a single panel out of the nearly 400 manga chapters to back up your claim.
#I'm sick of seeing this#And honestly? I don't agree with this take AT ALL#Katsuki never hated Izuku. He hated the way Izuku's heroic spirit made him feel inferior to him#especially because Katsuki believed that Izuku should be behind him because he was quirkless. not the other way around#it fucked w his self-esteem and instead of accepting these feelings and moving on he bullied Izuku to feel superior to him again and#also to keep him at arms length so he couldn't be reminded of his own weaknesses when he looked at Izuku#and he's also not the same person he was back in middle school#I'm pretty sure there are more manga panels showing Katsuki actively caring about Izuku's well-being than there are of him bullying him atp#sorry for this mini rant I have a lot of feelings
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Indis appreciation post!
Disclaimer: All the canon info is taken from Morgoth's Ring and Peoples of Middle Earth. Also, this isn't a character analysis/meta. It's just a list of stuff I love (plus some headcanons) about one of my favorite characters in the legendarium.
1. She's athletic and outdoorsy. We're told that Indis is "exceedingly swift of foot" and that "she walked often alone in the fields and friths of the Valar, turning her thought to things that grow untended." When Finwe sees her, she's chilling on a mountainside. I love that she's associated with nature, specifically the wilderness. She parallels Feanor in her exploration of Aman and interest in the imperfect. Also, this is purely self-indulgent but ever since reading HoME for the first time, I've pictured Indis as tall and broad, and muscular beneath a layer of fat.
2. She doesn't let her unrequited love affect her life. "There was ever light and mirth about her." She's not the pining, languishing princess stereotype. She goes on. She doesn't let it make her bitter or depressed, and she is so restrained that only Mandos and possibly Ingwe are aware of her feelings.
3. Part of her attraction to Finwe is intellectual. In HoME we're told that his "mastery of words delighted her." Considering that Indis is also a poet/composer ("wove words into song") and that the Vanyar enjoy linguistics, it makes sense. It's also just really cute.
4. She's politically minded. Her reasoning for pronouncing 's' instead of 'th' is: "I have joined the Noldor, and I will speak as they do." This is the right thing to do to gain the respect of the Noldor and their acceptance of her authority. I also think she makes a statement with Fingolfin and Finarfin's mother-names. Arakano ("high chieftain") and Ingoldo ("the Noldo, eminent among the kindred") are not only powerful, prophetic names, they're also strikingly similar to Ingwe ("chief of chieftains") who is the High King not just of the Vanyar, but all Eldar. What a power move.
5. She's able to balance her own culture with the culture she marries into. Indis integrates into Noldorin society easily while remaining Vanyarin at her core, as is evidenced by Finwe saying that "above all her heart now yearns for the halls of Ingwe and the peace of the Vanyar." Her sons also respect and are proud of their mixed heritage; Finarfin "loved the Vanyar, his mother's people" and is said to be like them (as are Finrod and Galadriel), and Fingolfin's daughter-in-law is Vanyarin (plus the Nolofinweans have a special connection to Manwe).
6. She gets an awesome prophecy about her line. "But I say unto you that the children of Indis shall also be great, and the Tale of Arda more glorious because of their coming. And from them shall spring things so fair that no tears shall dim their beauty; in whose being the Valar, and the Kindreds both of Elves and of Men that are to come shall all have part, and in whose deeds they shall rejoice. So that, long hence when all that here is, and seemeth yet fair and impregnable, shall nonetheless have faded and passed away, the Light of Aman shall not wholly cease among the free peoples of Arda until the end." Fuck yeah.
7. Her name means "valiant woman." This is the only definition given in Morgoth's Ring, I believe. I highly prefer it over the "bride" meaning because it's a badass name and is similar to Artanis ("noble woman") and Astaldo ("the valiant"). A headcanon that I'm particularly attached to is that Indis's mother-name is Indome, meaning "will of Eru."
8. She's popular with most of the Noldor. We're told that "Finwe, King of the Noldor, wedded Indis, sister of Ingwe; and the Vanyar and Noldor for the most part rejoiced." The majority of the Noldor also follow Fingolfin and Finarfin instead of Feanor.
9. She's friends with Nerdanel. HoME states that Nerdanel went to "abide with Indis, whom she had ever esteemed."
10. She gets pissed off at Finwe when he sides with Feanor. So much so that he thinks she won't want to see him if he's re-embodied. I know this is from his perspective but I'm inclined to agree. [However, this is still very presumptive of him, and his comment that "Indis parted from me without death" is super shitty. Eugh.]
11. She's close to her kids. Finarfin takes after her, Fingolfin passes on the name she gave him, Findis lives with her, Lalwen goes by the name she gave her. Finwe also says that "she hath dear children to comfort her."
So there we have it! What little info we get about Indis is pretty awesome. And this is just a list; I could write a whole essay on her fortitude and unconventionality and my numerous headcanons about her.
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[02:03PM] “Where is he, Mark? They should’ve arrived yesterday.” You questioned for the millionth time that day— pacing around the room as you looked at the window every two seconds.
“I thought you didn’t care about what happened to your arranged husband.” Hyuck muttered, receiving a not-so-nice glance from Mark.
“You’re not helping, Hyuck.” Mark scolded him before walking to you and gently placing both of his hands on your shoulders. “Unforeseen things happen during missions all the time, Y/N. I’m sure they’re on their way.” He stated with a gentle smile on his lips.
“Aren’t they supposed to tell you guys when something happens?” You asked, feeling the cold sweat take over your hands. Your nervousness was starting to show.
“Only when they’re fucked up.” Hyuck added, automatically shrinking his shoulders when Mark turned to him to mouth “I’m gonna kill you” with no sound.
“What he’s trying to say...” Mark turned his attention back to you with the sweetest smile he could put on his face. “is that they only call when they need help, so the fact they haven’t called it’s a good sign. Very good sign.” He assured you.
“Okay.” You finally let a deep breath out of your mouth, trying to let Mark's words sink in and help with your worrying.
“You should go to bed, though. We’re gonna linger around a bit more so we'll tell Renjun that you were worried about him when he arrives.”
“I’m not worried about him.” Your facial expression automatically changed and you adjusted your posture, getting out of Mark's grasp. “I’m just concerned about the others, there are people from my family there too, that’s all.”
“Uhum. I’ll let you fool yourself this time.” Hyuck gave you a sarcastic smile before walking to you with a bit less attitude. He knew better than to keep doing that to you, you had a scary husband. “But seriously, go get some sleep. I'll let you know when he arrives. You barely slept last night.”
Judging by the way Mark and Hyuck were staring at you, you knew that trying to say anything different would be a lost battle.
“Pinky promise?” You asked after sighing at how powerless you were in front of two of your closest friends. “I whole hand promise you.” Donghyuck held up his hand for you to hit, getting a weak smile as an answer from you. “He’s one of the best, Y/N. If there’s anyone in this world that you shouldn’t worry about, it’s him.” He reassured you before kindly scouting you out of the room.
{...}
When Renjun finally arrived at his house, his mind was too tired for him to remember that he was supposed to tell you he had arrived. His feet unconsciously moved towards the bathroom as he quietly repeated to himself that he just needed to take all that blood off of him and that he would feel better. A fallacy to say the least, but Renjun had never felt like himself whenever he had blood stains on him, it just bugged his mind as a constant reminder that one more life had been taken by his gun. Not the happiest thought to have before going to bed.
As he stepped out of the bathroom, finally feeling like himself again, Renjun paced towards your room on the other side of the hallway, ready to knock on your door to tell you he'd arrived and to hear you telling him to fuck off and let you sleep as the usual response. Instead, what he received was much different than expected.
When he was about to knock on your door, he noticed that the door was already open. Your room was empty.
“Y/N?” Renjun called for you. The silence was the only answer. “Shit.” He mumbled to himself, quickly running to your nightstand drawer where he had previously convinced you to leave a gun. It was also empty.
The fear started to grow inside of his chest as Renjun silently walked out of your room. Since you had firmly and kindly stated — or threatened to cut his balls off — that Renjun was banned from ever entering your room without your permission, he still hadn’t had the chance to put any alarms inside your bedroom. The only alarm capable of adverting the rest of Neo Culture in case of trouble was in his room.
Although Renjun had arrived around a few minutes ago, the hall's light was still turned off. He didn’t like to see the bloodstains on him, so he usually would only turn on the lights after making sure he wouldn’t see any reminder of violence on his body.
The fact that his room's light on had passed unnoticed by Renjun, something unusual to happen, only made the fear start to take over his body. Fear was a foreign feeling for Renjun, but when the thought that something might have happened to you occurred to him, he knew this was a rare exception. Someone was inside his house, and you were nowhere to be found. The equation was easy for him.
As much as your marriage wasn’t ideal, Renjun never pushed you away. He understood that you had a temper and that being rude was your way to cope with how fast things had “happened” between the two of you, and even though he didn’t enjoy being treated like shit, he was more than certain that no one had the permission to lay a finger on you. Arranged or not, Renjun took the marriage vows seriously, and someone hurting you was out of the question.
In a second of anger, Renjun ignored all the expert assassin instincts that were screaming for him to check the cameras before attacking- him throwing away the idea to know how many he was going to be dealing with. He ran straight to his room’s door and kicked it open to see a very confused you raising your head from his pillow.
Renjun's eyes were quick to scan your face. You had bags underneath your eyes, very red and swollen eyes, that tipped off that you most likely had cried yourself to sleep. When Mark and Donghyuck mentioned that you were worried about him, Renjun thought that they were just messing around. Now he could see they weren’t lying.
If the situation was different, you would have probably told him to get lost. But as your tired eyes landed on Renjun's figure, relief was the only thing radiating off of you.
You probably looked terrible. You could feel that your hair, your face, your clothes, and even your self-esteem were messed up, but your eyes were still locked on his anyway.
As your brain tried to come up with an explanation, you started to wonder: How could you explain your current situation without completely humiliating yourself in front of the man you thought you despised till yesterday?
“W-what,” your voice failed, causing you to mentally curse at your own stupid voice for not helping. “What’s with the gun?” You managed to say a few words as you quickly sat down on his bed.
“What’s with the crying?” He questioned back, not breaking eye contact with you as he placed the gun on his waistband.
“Uh- Nothing. I just missed my home.” You murmured, cleaning some tears off of your face with your hoodie's sleeve in an awkward manner as your vision tried to adjust to the combination of the room's light + puffy post-cry eyes.
“Oh.” Renjun's stare softened. His heart was still trying to calm down after so many bad scenarios flashed through his mind, so he didn’t even think about whether he would be invading your personal space or not when he sat down next to you. “I’ll ask Chenle to take you to see your parents tomorrow.”
As Renjun's body touched the mattress, your body automatically retracted and you were back on your feet, receiving a confused stare from the previously mentioned.
“I-I didn’t mean it in that way.” The words stumbled out of your mouth as your eyes tried to focus on anything but his face.
Surprisingly, your eyes were met with something you hadn’t seen before. You were so lost in your negative thoughts and crying when you walked into his room that you didn’t notice the small picture frame he kept by the side of his bed. It was your marriage day. You and he were in the picture.
“Huh?” He stared at you in genuine confusion.
No matter how many times you tried to push him away by telling him off or saying that he didn’t have any obligation towards you, he always took your marriage very seriously. He always prioritized whatever you needed, and he would always go beyond his limits just to make sure you had everything you needed.
Renjun never mistreated you. Not even for a second.
“When I married you, this place became my house. Even though I strongly opposed to the wedding, I accepted this as my house.”
“But?” Renjun instinctively asked as his mind was trying to conceive what was going on.
You debated for a few seconds whether or not to say the next words. Yet when you stared at his messed bed sheets that you were lying on instants ago, even if you wanted to, there wasn't any way to embarrass yourself more in front of him than you already had.
“This house isn’t my home without you in it.” You admitted, feeling a heavy burden get off of your shoulders as you let the very last piece of your dignity in Renjun's room before walking yourself out of it without turning back.
#nct mafia au#nct mafia#nct dream#nct renjun#renjun timestamps#huang renjun#kpop mafia au#renjun blurbs#renjun drabbles#nct huang renjun#nct#nct u mafia#kpop blurbs#kpop timestamps#admin 💫
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— the language he knew.
⁙ with you following in his steps, he knew there was only one way to stop you. ⁙
× soui’s note » im a sad bitch so here’s a sad fic. repost.
p a i r i n g ⇀ park jimin x reader..or more likely, fuckboy!jimin who sees the one he loves fall apart.
t y p e ⇀ angst and light smut..or, is this what you call voyeurism?
w o r d s ⇀ 7,659.
» [ friends to lovers!au ] °˖✧
“Doesn’t it bother you to be alone?”
Through the singing of the birds and the rustling of trees, his nose scrunches in distaste; chopsticks hanging loosely from his fingers as his attention is sparked, and eyes drill into yours within the proximity of the park. Did it bother him? Eyes averting from your curious state, he looks down into his cup filled with ramen, heart twinging in something akin to pain and yet..the sun still grins happily upon the two of you. “I dunno,” he mumbles in honesty, “I’ve never had anyone by my side to begin with.”
He notices you bite your lip at that, eyes glimmering as they try to find any kind of hope for Jimin within the many thoughts of your mind, anything that could change him into moving on to a better him. “But you can try,” you push on, taking a sip from your water bottle. He watches you, watches you turn slightly in your seat as you gasp in pleasure from quenching your thirst — then sighs to himself when you smile softly at the oncoming giggling children running around in glee. “Stop playing around with girls like they’re toys, you know? Find someone who you know will be able to make you feel alive.”
He sighs, resting his elbow on the flat surface of the picnic table as he lays his chin on the palm of his hand, “but you’re the only one who can take that place.”
And he smiles at the way you bark out in laughter, rosy blush staining your cheeks as tears accumulate at the corner of your eyes from Jimin’s absurd words, and his heart flutters.
But the thing is, he wasn’t joking — and there was no way you would ever acknowledge that.
He knew there was nothing wrong with wanting someone by your side, that there was nothing wrong with falling in love and chasing your heart but there was no way he could act on his feelings for you. You’re the girlfriend of one of his long time best friend’s, you are one of his best friend’s and have been since you were children, and upon bro code and the sake of keeping this friendship sane; he refuses to destroy the boundaries, no matter how many times he feels the crippling need to.
He was devastated, heart melting into the acid of his stomach when he had heard you belonged to Jungkook years ago, and he knew there was nothing he could do to tear you two apart, to steal you away and have you in his arms so he could mutter ‘mine’ into the crook of your neck. Because of his shyness, because of his self esteem — he never had the guts to confess to you; he had always believed and imagined many scenarios of you rejecting him or spitting in his face and just the thought of that had the air clogging in his throat. He was a mess, still is a mess, and the day Jungkook invited him out for pizza and suggested that you all move into an apartment together so the circle of three you all tried to uphold throughout the years wouldn’t disassemble into many pieces, Jimin could only laugh wearily as he looked to your brightened face at the thought of finally being united indefinitely — and he accepted, even though he knew it would ruin him in more ways than one.
It started after months of living on cloud nine that Jimin began to think his pessimism was all in his head, but after witnessing the premonition hiding within the shadows of the apartment, things began to softly crumble.
Every night through the thin paper walls, the boy tried his hardest to suffocate his eardrums with his pillows as he forbade himself to hear your muffled moans and tantalizing giggles, demanded his heart to just shut up for once from the decaying anxiety resting in the pit of his stomach that threatened to poison his mind with it’s horrendous fumes. The bed tapping against the wall from the other side made him fragile with every hit, his mind playing a broken record as he tried his hardest to fall into the arms of slumber he desperately sought for. And as time ticked in the back of his mind and repeated the scenario from every other oncoming night, he ripped the duvet off his crumbling body as he stormed out of the apartment — seeking something that would hide his inner turmoil away in the back of his pocket.
He wasn’t proud of it, but it was something that could be easily done; finding a girl, someone as desperate as him to rip off the clothes that suffocated him and just to feel loved. And even though it wasn’t real love, it was enough.
“Where were you?” He remembered that specific night clearly, the apartment lost of any light except for the street lights that flittered through the sheer curtains of the small area as you stood at the corner of the living room, arms crossed and bare feet tapping the floor like some rabid housewife.
He simply shrugged as he walked past you and tried to make his way into his bedroom quietly. He reeked of alcohol and sex, at least he assumed from the way you scrunched your nose in disgust. His hair was amiss, his lips were heavily bruised and he just felt weak, especially when you suddenly gripped his wrist harshly to stop him in his tracks — he couldn’t help but sneer. “Answer me, Jiminie.”
“Don’t call me that,” he grunted as he tried to shake off your hand in the process, “and don’t fucking touch me.”
You retracted your hand as if you had been heavily burnt by scalding water, glaring at the older boy in hurt, but instead, he focused on his previous destination before your voice froze him in his place. “Jimin,” you corrected, “you can’t do this anymore, you’ve been doing this for months. Is this really how you want to fall-?“
“What are you?” He cut in, head tilted to the side in annoyed curiosity. “My girlfriend? I don’t think so.”
He knew his words had slapped you in the face, yet, as he took his first step away from you and towards his bedroom once again, you snatched his wrist with no remorse, pulling him towards you so he could hear your thoughts and not the ones murmuring in the back of his mind — but he was having none of it.
The second your fingers sizzled against his skin, he roughly slammed you into the wall, ignoring the choked and pained gasp that fell from your lips. “(y/n), I’m only going to say this once so you better engrave these words into your pretty little head.”
You tried your hardest to free your bruising wrist from his deadly grasp, but instead, he leaned into you, lips hovering over your cheek as the toxic breath stung your eyes, and the gulp whispering in the center of your throat was heard by the one holding you captive.
“This is my life, and there is no way in hell that you would ever play me like some damn gamer watching over his avatar.” He seethed, lips drawing a portrait onto your skin with every word that spilled from his mouth, “let me live my life, as you should do yours.”
“But-“
His hand moved from your face and his fingers tapped against your lips, stopping you from making another peep; and he grinned. “You can’t expect me to follow after you and Jungkook like some lost dog–“ he scoffed, eyes glaring into your own, “and you can’t expect me to stay during the night to sleep as you two fuck every other night, that’s not how it works.”
He watched you gawk at him as if he wasn’t himself, as if he were possessed by something that caused him to change–and maybe he was, being the demons who caused him to fall in love with the never could be, and now, he had lost himself within the flames of wanting to float on clouds, to escape the reality he was living in..but he wasn’t going to tell you that.
His hand slowly lifted from taking your lips hostage and moved to cup your cheeks, his face softening as his thumb softly smoothed over the soft skin. Your eyes stared through his as they tried to find something, but with Jimin’s bucket of black paint drenching any lasting thoughts within his irises, you sighed, looking away as you placed your hand against his chest and pushed him away softly. “I’m sorry.” It was a weak whisper and your eyes were filled with regret, lips trembling from the small commotion.
But he didn’t want to hear it.
Days went on as he avoided you like the plague; he locked his bedroom door during the day and escaped into the raging strobe lights of night clubs and house parties during the night. Jungkook sent him continuous texts to get out of his bedroom, to spend time with the both of you and to stop his greedy antics of escaping into used hands, and the night he doesn’t leave the small quaint apartment — he dropped onto the lingering chest of the living room couch.
His eyes softly closed at the sound of footsteps tickling the floors of the home after a while of silence, and his heart began to beat a raging tune at finally having to face reality.
The steps soon stopped before him, and he breathed softly. “Jungkook-ah.” He plainly muttered into the leather of the sofa, “what is it?”
“I know about your feelings for (y/n).”
Instantly, the man gets up, eyes threatening to fall out of his sockets as he peered into the orbs hiding behind the black curtain of hair. “What?” He asked softly, scared of you appearing from your bedroom, and terrified of having his feelings written in his eyes as it glowed for everyone to see.
“I know how you are, Jiminie.” Jungkook crossed his arms, face finally being revealed as he ran his fingers through his soft dark locks. And the lone act caused Jimin to internally hyperventilate, because what? He knew he was a coward for fucking around every weekend with someone just to erase his feelings for a limited time, but he had also believed that because he did that, that nobody would find out — but in times like these, he can only wonder if Jungkook could read him like a book, only wonder if his whole existence was written on the back of Jungkook’s hand and that terrified him to death. “I can practically feel the longing oozing out of your body, and lemme tell you one thing.”
“No,” Jimin shook his head and frantically rose up from the couch. “I’m leaving.”
But he doesn’t get to escape, not this time, as Jungkook grabs the boy by the collar of his shirt and slams him down roughly into the fluffiness of the couch. The younger is on top of him like some tiger getting ready to devour his prey; the roles reversed from that day with you weeks ago and Jimin knew at this point, that his useless and drunk self from the past was witnessed by the beyond livid Jungkook, and he couldn’t feel any more ashamed.
There was no use fighting back, his will was lost long ago with his sanity, and with eyelids threatening to shut and look away from possessive eyes, his hands fall limp at his sides. “I know Jimin, I know you’ve been around, slept around. Used like some damn rag over and over again to the point that there are stains, but there is no way in hell I’ll let something as tainted as you blotch (y/n) with your dirtied hands.”
“Jungkook,” Jimin desperately called, small hands clutching the ones wrinkling his shirt. He knew he was a fuckboy messing around to get around, but Jungkook had it all wrong — there was no way in hell that he would ever touch you in those ways, use you as if your friendship meant absolutely nothing, and all in all, try to steal you away from him. “Those are not my intentions.” Jimin got out, but Jungkook’s eyes are written in pure thirst to murder if the opposite were to happen, and he couldn’t help but gulp at the look of pure disgust. “You know as well as I-I do that I’d never hurt her, I’d never do that to you-“
“Like hell you won’t,” the taller boy dug the lanky one further into the couch with a shove, stealing Jimin’s breath away as his chest began to ache from the abused contact, “keep your dick where it doesn’t belong, you ass. I mean it.”
And amidst the park where he sighs from the past, from something that happened months ago with horrid assumptions and lingering regrets, he gets up from the bench with his hands in his pockets — smile swiped from his visage like a hungry frog snatching some bothersome flies. “You’re leaving already?” You ask, the corner of your lips falling to show your displeasure, and he shrugs, because really, this whole meeting with you at the park was all over useless.
Ever since Jungkook confronted him, he hadn’t had the audacity to speak to you or even hang out as the circle of three like old times. There was really no way he could ever go back to how it used to be, and Jimin was sure that soon enough, his image would be ripped away from the couple who aches to be together forever without someone so useless and broken.
Without someone like him.
“There really isn’t much to say,” he admits, looking up to the sky to avoid any sort of expression you draw with the tip of your nose. He could tell that you’re scared, hesitating to tell him anything about the path he chose to walk down on, so you only giggle halfheartedly, leaning into the wooden bench as if all your worries had already fallen into evanescence.
“At least try, Jimin.” You whisper with a tiny tone, but he hears you, feels the worry interlacing with every sound that escapes your lips, “try to love someone with everything you have. Give yourself to them and only them.”
“I don’t know,” he admits, eyes glancing towards your distraught yet innocent figure, “this is the only language I know.”
“How could you do this to me?”
Jimin’s eyes softly open, yawn escaping him as he looks at his alarm clock and soon, the sound of something shattering stabs through the air.
And he flies up from his bed in an instant.
His head is beating like a drum, sending shockwaves of pain throughout his body as he instantly rubs his aching temples. Maybe the sound of danger is just something his anxiety was feeding him, or maybe he just drank too much the night before. Nonetheless, his eyes inhale the blinking 3 AM screen his phone gave him — and he forces himself to check the small apartment.
Darkness fills the small home like water, and with squinting eyes, everything seems normal. His bare feet hits against the hardwood floor with soft taps, fingers tremble as he passes the door laying open to your lifeless bedroom, and he then notices the hallway being way too eerie for comfort. At this time, you and Jungkook are usually sleeping; so seeing the both of you not tangled in sheets was a sign Jimin believed with all his heart that something was seriously wrong.
He walks into the living room where a clock ticks the silence away, and once his head peeks over to the front door — he instantly freezes.
The door is wide open, and Jungkook stares at you with panicked eyes as yours are planted into the ground. You refuse to look up, your lips are shaking as you sniffle and when Jungkook places his hand on your shoulder, you are quick to slap it away with a scoff. “Don’t touch me.“
“(y/n),” Jungkook whispers harshly, obviously trying not to wake the supposed sleeping Jimin whom was already witnessing the whole ordeal, “I was stupid, okay? What more do you want me to say?”
“Seriously?” You spit, taking a step back, “are you fucking kidding me?”
Jungkook sighs, shoulders slumping in defeat. “I’m sorry, I-..I was insecure. I didn’t know what I was thinking-“
“But there was a reason, wasn’t there?”
Jimin walks a little closer, his heart shushing all his organs as he tries to listen in on the conversation. His eyebrows knit together in concentration, and when the next words manage to crawl it’s way into his ears, the boy could only smile to himself in disbelief.
“I was scared, you know? Scared that one of these days I’d find you in Jimin’s bed, terrified that the both of you would go behind my back. Scratch that, actually, I was drunk as hell and believed you two did it.” Jungkook gulps, his Adam’s apple slipping down his neck before it flies back into place. “That’s why..that’s why I cheated on you.”
Silence.
It took Jimin everything in his power not to storm into the scene and punch Jungkook’s face in. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing after Jungkook had the audacity to pretty much tell him to fuck off many months ago, yet the younger could go along his merry way and do whatever he wanted to you. Jimin was beyond pissed, and as his back presses against the wall hidden from the two at the doorway, your voice finally pierces the atmosphere.
“Get out of my sight,” you whisper shakily, “just leave.”
Jungkook glances your way in pain, and Jimin could feel the inner turmoil happening within the other man in wanting to hug you and beg for you to not leave him, but he doesn’t. He throws his backpack over his shoulder, steps out of the apartment before he bows slightly before you.
“I’m sorry.” He apologizes, tone weak and fragile, “I’m so fucking sorry, but please, know that I truly do love you.”
Yet, you say nothing to his words, only nodding as you shut the door behind him and lock it down.
Jimin still stands where he is, eyes blown open as he wonders how he should approach you after seeing that. Would you cry? He was your boyfriend of a few years, and best friend of many, and he was now gone, and knowing you for so long — he knew there was no way you would take back someone whom betrayed your trust, and he honestly wouldn’t blame you if you avoided Jungkook for now on. Before he could take a step away from his hiding place, you are standing a few feet away from him, and he jumps in his place. “Shit, I-“
“Did you see anything?” You question, and his heart shatters from the way you seem so broken, so lost and tired from the world you were placed in. He says nothing, eyes reflecting your emotions like a mirror as he bites his lip in sorrow. “I see,” you comment, looking away in embarrassment, “good night, then.”
“Wait,” Jimin says before you could walk back into your bedroom, full on knowing that his next question is way beyond stupid and idiotic but he doesn’t care — he has to know. “Are you okay?”
You raise an eyebrow at the question, and he hopes you didn’t find his curiosity rude nor pathetic, but when you laugh softly as you shake your head; you throw him a thumbs up. “I’m perfect,” you assure him, continuing towards the comfort of your bedroom, “so don’t worry about me.”
He tried not to worry, but he did, and he was going crazy.
Hours, days, weeks went on as he rarely saw you around the shared apartment and he was hoping more than anything that you didn’t do anything insane inside your own bedroom. He knew that the walls haunted you, that the place you called home taunted you with the existence of your now ex boyfriend. He witnessed you wash your blankets and duvets and pretty much anything that could have touched Jeon Jungkook millions of times over and over just so you could erase his existence — and seeing you crumble before his eyes made him feel absolutely useless.
He couldn’t do anything, no matter how many times he wanted to hug you and help you through your heartbreak, he just couldn’t; and the sole reason was because both your languages of love equaled the existence of heaven and hell, the epitome of yin and yang and damn him if he ever changed your perspective on such an innocent feeling.
At least, that’s what he believed.
On one of his usual nights out, his blood ripples from the booming music vibrating within the large house. His head is bopping, hand reaching for the bottle of Mike’s as his friend laughs obnoxiously loud and snatches the soft liquor away from him. “Really, Jimin?” He smiles, “do you really think this pussy shit will have me opening my legs for you?”
Jimin chokes out a dry laugh, snatching the drink from the taller man before popping the lid open, “shut up, Yoongi.”
He takes a large swig of it, loving to feel the sweet yet toxic liquid scratch against his throat before he pulls the glass bottle away from his lips. Jimin clears his throat softly, fist against his mouth to hide any grimace he wore on his face as Yoongi throws his arm around his neck; pulling him into his chest as he cackles. “Jennie is here,” he mutters, grin evident on his features, “talk to her.”
“Uh, I don’t know,” he mumbles to himself, taking a smaller sip, “I need to be loaded before I go.”
And after the words fall from his lips, everything around him drowns into the background. He sighs to himself as Yoongi speaks beside him, obviously drunk off his mind from how much he kept yapping, and Jimin could only let himself embrace the alcohol he drank. It was always like this wherever he went, whether it was a house party or the club or maybe something simple at a restaurant during the middle of the night; Yoongi always nudged him towards a specific someone during their many mischievous spontaneities, and he would blindly follow whatever path he was assigned to for the night, well, if he agreed to it.
Which he always did, considering how wasted he had always became.
“How many would you like?”
Yoongi’s voice snaps him out of his stupor, making the boy smile as he raises his dripping glass of alcohol in the air. “Same as always.”
And before he knew it, crumpled cans lays on the island as his empty glass is already tipped over and forgotten, and his head lays on the tabletop as he tries to find any kind of comfort in the music playing around him. His mind is hazy, he feels lonely, and more than anything — he needs to feel that hole bubbling with black ink be filled with color. He somehow pushes himself away from the stool and the usual anxiety screaming at the back of his head is already drowning in the bubbling mixture of liquor. His movements are sporadic as he tries to find his usual source of drugs amidst the many people intoxicated beyond belief, and once he finds Kim Jennie giving him a look of longing from the nearly packed sofa, he grins.
It was her, it was always her who came stumbling into his arms at the end of the night. She was always there, whether it was smiling into his skin or digging her fingers deeply into his back — it was always her. But he never saw her during those intimate moments, he never kissed her nor breathed promises into her ear as he wished to do so with someone he loved so dearly, and he was okay with it, as was she. She had her motives and he had his own intentions, and no matter how far they differed, in the end, they both needed the same thing. And that was to escape.
But, as time suddenly morphs into slow motion and Jimin stops in his steps as he squints with heavy eyes towards the glowing figure popping through the front door, soon, his façade shatters as realization stabs his heart like a poisonous arrow.. a realization that things never go as planned.
His smile drops, his veins vibrate with horror as he completely forgets about the one with benefits and spins on the heels of his feet, charging up the steep set of stairs of the house like a frightened cat zooming away from it’s predator and ignoring Jennie’s angry screams of his surname.
The hallways are dimmed and few people loitered around as they sucked the other’s face off or just wanted to escape from the chaos rumbling below. He could barely breathe at this point, knocking a random door open as he stumbles inside and slams it shut — back colliding against said door as he slides to the floor with a panicked sigh.
There was no way in hell that you were in the party he always took place at, no way in hell that you barricaded the apartment just to walk right into satan’s sanctuary. You never liked parties, saying there were way too many people for your liking and that there was literally nothing to do than just sit around and waste your time — so Jimin just cannot believe he saw you pushing through dancing crowds all alone in such a dangerous place.
Should he go confront you and take you back to the apartment? Grab your hand and pull you through the chaotic home? His heart wanted to, so badly wanted to push you back into safety but his hazy mind struggled to find leverage within the want and need. Would you try to fight him once he finally showed that he did indeed care about how you were doing? Or would you accept whatever he thought was best for you? Jimin glares at the nicely made king bed, squints at the many teddy bears and the assumed purple blotched colored walls throughout the darkened room, and clenches his fists.
He felt like puking from his chaotic apprehension, wishing he could find any type of answers dangling from the ceiling that could help you into becoming a better you and definitely not an imitation of him. He shouldn’t have drank, he should have stayed home and kept you company because who knew how much pain you were in to stoop so low, even though he doesn’t know if you have fallen, he couldn’t help but worry.
And it was killing him inside.
The doorknob to the bedroom rattles, and all thoughts instantly scream as they hide in the darkest corners of his mind. “Shit,” he says under his breath, head snapping to the door that is about to open, “this room is busy—!“
“(y/n).” He hears a deep voice from the other side followed by your bubbly giggling and satan immediately shoves his fist down Jimin’s throat. He is frozen, staring at the door that softly creaks open and at a loss, he jumps into the closet and closes the louvered doors as best as he could; and holds his breath. “Stop fighting me–!”
“No,” you breathe, and he finally sees you and the mysterious man stumble into the room through the door, bites his lip so hard once the door slams shut and the light disappears. “You can’t m-make me, Taehyung.”
He could see the bright red hair, curses it with his life once it shines from the moon’s luminescence that sheered through the curtains, and inwardly groans. He knew who Kim Taehyung was, someone who grew up with you apart from he and Jungkook and ever since Jimin was a child, he built a sort of rivalry between him and the younger boy due to jealousy. Taehyung was an asshole, at least in his eyes, and he didn’t like the man one bit.
But here he is, and with you.
He knew Taehyung cared about you, probably as much as him no matter how much the younger teased you — and a part of Jimin knew he shouldn’t be worried about Taehyung now of all times because honestly, he should be grateful the man dragged you out of the bubbling hell.
Taehyung pushes you into the bed, and you easily fall on top of it as you whine in distaste. “Made you.” He simply comments, plopping beside you and closing his eyes, and Jimin decides that maybe, it would be safe for him to sneak out of the bedroom and head on home without the two of you knowing he was at the party at all.
“I drank way too much,” you mumble into the blankets, and Taehyung lazily grunts a ‘I feel you’ as you turn to look at the man, “should I go home?”
Jimin’s fingers hover over the closet doors, stopping his escape as to not let himself get noticed if you were to leave, and he hears Taehyung sigh. “You shouldn’t have even came in the first place.”
“Shut the hell up,” you somehow find the courage to spit, and the other softly laughs, “I..I just wanted to—“
“Make Jungkook jealous, yeah.” A raspberry fills the room, and the bed softly squeaks, “can’t you just get over him? It’s been about two months (y/n), he’s probably forgotten you and found someone else.”
Silence ensues the small room, and Jimin internally curses at Taehyung’s words because even he himself could feel the punch to his gut. He closes his eyes, praying to the gods to stop your pain, but as always, he is ignored, and you’re already getting up from the bed. “You’re an asshole,” you softly cry, “fuck you.”
Taehyung is quick in sitting up and grabs your wrist despite his drunken stupor, “that’s not what I meant,” he quickly tries to cover, “and you know that.”
“But..” you begin, “but maybe you’re right. Jungkook cheated on me, Jimin can’t even look at me —“ said boy’s mouth falls open “—a-and I have no one left, Tae. They all find me disgusting, they all disappeared because I’m just a germ, and–“
“I never said you were disgusting,” Taehyung whispers, but with your rant, his voice is ignored.
“It just hurts, ok?” You sniffle, wiping your tears with your forearm as you swallow a choked sob. “I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so useless, should I even–“
“Shut the hell up,” Taehyung interrupts, throwing your previous words back into your face, “don’t you even dare finish that fucking sentence.”
You’re rubbing furiously at your eyes, wanting the tears to stop that you had kept shoved inside a bucket within you and Jimin can’t help but rub at his own eyes to stop them from watering. Seeing you like this, a mess, was really opening his eyes to how much you had upheld alone, and he felt like complete and total shit for avoiding you all this time.
“Then,” you crack out, “then help me.”
Taehyung raises a brow at that, delusional self caught between confusion and just saying yes, “how?”
“Have sex with me.”
Jimin jumps up in shock, head hitting the closet door as he quickly muffles his yell of pain. He could see Taehyung look frantic, staring at the closet with bulging eyes and lips trembling while your eyes stayed glued onto the boy before you. “Hey,” Taehyung says, weary smile on his lips, “did you hear that-?”
“Don’t change the subject, Kim Taehyung.” You bite, and Taehyung runs a hand through his hair, eyes downcast as he tries his hardest to avoid any contact, “answer me.”
Jimin’s teeth stabs into the skin inside his mouth as his fingers tremble. What in the world were you saying? He didn’t want to see any of this go down, he didn’t want to watch you ruin yourself or make any mistakes in trying to forget your love with Jungkook. He is careful as he slightly opens the doors to the closet, wanting to see your expression or even Taehyung’s — but all he could see, was how horrified the latter’s features were.
“(y/n), you know I can’t do that.” He mutters, but your drunk self had smart ass written all over it.
“Huh?” You grunt, hand going towards your ear is if it would let you hear better, “what did you say?”
“This isn’t you,” he speaks up, “we’re both drunk, (y/n), and you’re hurt — I get that.” He states, and your shoulders visibly slump. “I get that you’re in pain, only wanting to forget about what happened but it’ll just be gone for a few minutes; a few minutes that you’ll never get back until the pain comes back once again. Do you really want that?”
Jimin applauds Taehyung in his head, thankful that at least the man had a brain during these difficult situations. Your sniff then gets Jimin’s attention, and Taehyung quickly sits up before you. “Y-you’re a liar.” You croak, “y-you said that you’d always do anything for me since we were children, and—“
“But not this,” Taehyung is desperate, hands cupping your cheeks to wipe the trickling tears away, “please, (y/n), anything but this.”
With Jimin’s better view, he sees you smile softly as you push Taehyung’s hands away as they hesitantly fall back to his sides, watches you wipe your own tears away with your hands as you then rub the damp skin on your skintight dress. “Thanks for everything, Taehyung.” You say, bowing slightly as you hold in a choked sob, “goodbye.”
And as you weakly turn to the locked door to take your leave, Taehyung grabs your shoulder and turns you to him. His front was absolutely destroyed, and enigma paints onto his skin as bright as the color of his hair. Jimin knew at this moment that the boy had broken at seeing his best friend ruined, and that the events that were about to occur would change the future — and probably not for the good.
Your breaths are soft as your eyes glances to the hands loosening the straps to your dress on your shoulders, you sniff when the simple cloth glides down your arms to reveal your breasts, and large hands grip your shoulders as the dress drops dead on the floor to reveal you in all your glory for both boys to see.
“No,” Taehyung murmurs, “I should be thanking you.”
Calloused skin touches your bosom, and you whine softly from the foreign grope. Jimin doesn’t know what to do but watch, watch Taehyung look at you with so much adoration Jimin believed he never had and just watch euphoria spear into your veins. It isn’t long until Taehyung dives in to kiss you, to let his hands wander around the soft expanse of your body as he pulls you in close, and all Jimin can do is watch.
He wanted more than anything to ruin the doors from it’s hinges and rip Taehyung away from you, he wanted to do so many things and stop the atrocity happening before him but he just couldn’t. He is glued into his place, eyes averting here to there and the demons inside him giggles into his ears.
The boy felt pathetic, useless as time ticked above his head and Taehyung is now ramming into you like there is no tomorrow, literally making you grip the sheets beneath you and scream into his bruised lips. Maybe it was hours, no, possibly years that roared on and the ending was no where in sight, and all Jimin could feel..was useless.
His heart was palpitating, he was in pain and he couldn’t do anything to stop it, to stop you and your decisions, to stop his disgusting ass from getting hard just by seeing you cry and writhe beneath Taehyung.
When you two finally stopped, the sun was waking up from it’s slumber, and Jimin shoves the closet doors open only to find you both naked on the bed. Taehyung is hugging you as if he were scared to lose you, and you hugged him back in your slumber and the lone image sparked reality within him that he couldn’t help but cry silently.
He finally closes his eyes, opens the door to the hallway and just all over breathes the air that could probably help him be sane. And as he walks down the stairs, he sees Jennie standing there with her back to the wall and her arms crossed, bitch face on full blast as she scoffs. “Pathetic,” she sneers, and Jimin only grins.
“Shut up,” he spits, “it’s none of your business.”
With hands shoved in the large pocket of his hoodie, Jimin walks down the streets of the busy city with only one destination in mind.
The incident at the party happened weeks ago, and Jimin noticed you disappearing from the apartment more often now. He didn’t like the path you were walking down on, and he could only briefly wonder if this is how you felt when the roles weren’t reversed. Ever since that day, all the boy could do was watch you from afar — going back to phase one and never moving an inch from it. But, despite that, there was one thing he learned from the fate he had to face, and that was..expect the unexpected.
Like now.
“Okay, do me a favor.” Jimin says after he takes a sip of his coffee, eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he peered at the one before him, “you want me to what?”
“Help me,” the man clad in dark wear begs, burgundy beanie hiding his hair, “help me get back with (y/n).”
Jimin is flabbergasted, and maybe he expected this and possibly more, but still, it shook him to the core. The bells to the coffee shop jingle as more passerby lost the battle between not wasting money and the scent of delicious coffee, and Jungkook could only look to the door frantically in hopes that it wasn’t the only person he desperately wanted to see.
Which is obviously you.
“You have balls, you know that?” Jimin comments, sinking into his seat as he leers at Jungkook, “after what you have done; you expect her to fly into your arms and forgive you. Crazy, you know?”
“I know,” Jungkook sighs, and at this moment, Jimin actually takes a chance to inspect the younger man more. His eyes are darker than before, skin pale and body thin — he looked sick, yet, he still stood strong. Jimin knew that the break up wasn’t easy for both of you, hell, he even watched you two fall in love through the years. He knew it, but what he believed, was that the one sitting before him, is beyond feeble. “I know I did wrong, but just one more chance, and–“
“You do know,” Jimin cuts him off, “that she’s seeing Taehyung, don’t you?”
Jungkook’s mouth falls open, and as hard as he tried to reply to Jimin and just find words, he doesn’t. A frown crawls onto his visage, and Jimin’s eyes glide to the fists clenching too hard for comfort. “You’re lying,” he growls, “she would never do that–“
“I heard them, Jungkook.” Which technically isn’t a lie, considering he had front row tickets to the porno. “Things change, and you’re just too late.”
Jungkook’s coffee shakes in his hands and he grits his teeth, eyes lost into another dimension as his anger bubbles in the pit of his stomach, “I’m gonna kick his ass.”
Jimin chokes a laugh. “No, you definitely won’t.”
“Then help me,” Jungkook pleads, and Jimin can’t help but see you once again; vision from the past replaying inside his mind like a mantra, “please, hyung — just this once.”
The older scrunches his nose, eyes draping to a close like curtains as he laughs in irony, “you do know you’re asking help from the one person that should be a threat to you, right?”
“I–“ Jungkook starts, words in a jumbled mess before Jimin raises his hand for his old roommate to shut his mouth.
“I won’t help you.” He then leans in closer, voice soft yet stern as he stares deeply into Jungkook’s eyes, “if you really love her, if you actually want her back — then you should prove to her why you are worth another chance. Don’t be asking anyone for help, when it’s your mess to clean.”
The rest of the evening goes by in silence, just the two boys drinking their coffees and eating their pastries as the evening rush zoomed by the shop. Jimin knew he was being harsh, maybe a little selfish, but he felt it in his heart that the words he spoke needed to be said.
As the car slides into the entrance to the large apartment building, Jimin thanks the other before he opens the door, and stops when Jungkook’s defeated voice slithers into his ears. “If you won’t help me, then do me this one favor.”
Jimin turns in his seat, annoyed expression stamped onto his face as he inwardly groans. “What is it?” He questions, and Jungkook grips the wheel.
“Help (y/n) pick up the pieces, protect her.”
And usually, he isn’t one to listen to others’ demands, yet here he is.
He watches you in the dark of the night as you tiptoe around the apartment, hears the soft little taps of your feet against the hardwood floor as you try your hardest to slug yourself to the front door of the home. Jimin could smell the intense aroma of the alcohol you had been downing, and before he even had a chance to acknowledge what he was doing, the light flickers on and he is met with your terrified eyes.
“Ah, Jimin–“ you smile, standing still, “long time no—“
“Where are you going?” He asks, obviously not caring about the small talk you were about to throw at him.
The face you had on was similar to a child being caught stealing cookies, and you look to the ground in regret, “to a party with Taehyung.”
Jimin shivers.
He takes a deep breath, knowing whatever happened at that moment would definitely affect your friendship together in the future, but Jungkook’s words constantly echoes in his head. “Not anymore, you’re not.”
“Jimin,” you laugh, “what’s gotten into you?”
Running a hand through his unruly locks, he steps closer to you. “(y/n), you’re becoming everything you told me not to become.” He blurts, “seeing you so, so–“
You step closer, scowl decorating your mien with each passing second. “So what, Jimin?” You press, “you don’t seem to understand–“
“You don’t seem to understand, (y/n)-ah.” He points, pushing you softly, “you’re messing around with guys you shouldn’t be, you’re drinking way too much and you’re soul is just disappearing each time you leave this house!” Jimin yells, and you flinch from the tone, “I can’t let you leave anymore, not now, not ever.”
You grimace, many questions written on the tip of your tongue yet you don’t spout any of them, only tilting your head softly to the side in obnoxious curiosity. “What are you, Jimin?” You inquire, eyes sparkling with vigor, “my boyfriend? I don’t think so.”
Jimin stands there stupidly, being reminded of the words he had so blatantly stitched into your ears many months ago, and like always, all he could do is stand there and watch you slowly leave in victory. How could he have failed in his mission to stop you? Was he really that flimsy?
But, in seconds before you were able to actually open the door and leave, Jimin finally relies on his logistic side and throws his heart away; runs through the living room and tackles you into the ground as if his life depended on it. You yelp in surprise before the harsh smack of the floor slaps your intoxicated mind into soberness, and you’re trying your best to push Jimin off of you. “What the fuck,” you sscowl, “get off me!”
“I’m sorry, okay?” Jimin cries, grabbing both your arms and pinning them above your head as he lies on top of you, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me most, I’m sorry I pushed you away when you tried to be there for me, I’m just..I’m so fucking sorry (y/n), please understand that.” He is shaking before you, but there was no way in hell that he’d let any sort of tears fall — because right now, it wasn’t about him, but about you. “I promise I’ll be here for you for now on, but just please, please stop going with Taehyung and ruining yourself even further-“
“Then what am I supposed to do, huh, Jimin?” You scream, “there is no where else that I can go to, I don’t know how to heal or move on, and–“
“The fuck? I’m your best friend, (y/n),” he chokes, his bangs tickling your chin as he bows his head, “you can just stay with me, I’ll show you how to move on!”
He is way too frightened to look at you, but when he feels your small hand against his cheek, he instantly glances into your eyes. “You’re way too selfless, Jiminie,” you whisper as your lids softly close, to which he leans in closer to your lips, “but..show me.”
He gulps
“Show me this language you once knew.”
» all rights reserved © s u g o u i — this is a oneshot, and will remain a oneshot. all and any works created by me in the past or in the future are not allowed to be modified, reposted, or translated in any shape or form.
#bts#jimin x reader#bts fanfic#jimin smut#jimin angst#jungkook smut#taehyung smut#bts reactions#jeon jungkook#park jimin#kim taehyung#bts oneshot#jimin oneshot#bts smut
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Idk if you’re accepting prompts but—high school au w Badboy!Tony and soft!Peter and Tony like teases peter a lot and he says something or mocks peter (like peter stuttered talking to him cause he’s a bit shy and Tony jokingly mocks him) and peter starts to cry and Tony feels super duper bad about it and fluff fluff fluff!
Look at me. Filling prompts. Wow. Thanks for the inspo, anon.
EDIT: I made a part 2.
-
I’ll Be the Fight to Your Flight, Baby.
The school day was always the same for Peter – bus, class, lunch, class, bus – and peppered in there was always a good dash of bullying. Not that it was a surprise. He was a spectacle after all; possessing a much smaller frame than his cohorts, thick-rimmed glasses, zero fashion sense, a squeaky and high-pitched voice. He knew he was softer than the other kids too; more sensitive, an easier target, more likely to choose flight over fight. He knew that when Clint and Natasha tripped him in the hall, or when Bucky and Sam vandalized his locker, or when Flash called him names, they were doing it because his weak reactions made for a good laugh.
Peter wouldn’t say it didn’t bother him – because it did! It really, really did. Each teasing microaggression, each shove in the hall, each jab at his self-esteem made him want to run and hide. Bury his face in his hands so no one would see the tears pouring from his big brown eyes. But he didn’t. Instead, he endured it. Ignored it or pitifully laughed along with it to ease the sting of being socially ostracized. He didn’t want them to see him cry.
Even now, as Thor and Loki mocked every word Peter said to Ned from their place at the adjacent lunch table, he tried his best not to let it get to him.
“Don’t pay attention to them, dude,” Ned shook his head and shrugged, “They’re being assholes.”
“Okay,” Peter said with a forced smile, trying with all his might to ignore the relentless mockery. “So tell me more about the Lego Death Star? How many pieces is it?”
Thor’s roaring laughter cut through the bustle of the lunchroom. “Tell me more about the Lego Death Star, brother!”
Loki snickered, shooting Peter a wicked grin, “What would you like to know? How many pieces it has or, perhaps, how happy I am that my mommy bought me a child’s toy?”
Peter bit the inside of his lip, a tactic he used to hold back his tears. And Ned must have noticed because he turned to the older boys with anger in his eyes and said, “Can you guys just lay off? We aren’t even bothering you.”
“Brother, did you hear something?” Thor looked around, making a show of just how little he cared about Ned’s anger.
“Not at all, brother,” Loki laughed, playing along with his brother’s ignorance, “Tell me, what have you heard?”
“If I’m not mistaken, it had the distinct sound of a squealing pig!” Thor erupted in more laughter. His callous joke making every table in their vicinity burst into laughter of their own. And, if their sick humor was targeted at Peter, then he wouldn’t have opened his mouth. But it was directed at Ned and that was unforgivable.
“S-Shut up, T-Thor!” Peter yelled over the rambunctious crowd, his hands shaking and his heart pounding with fear as he, for the first time, chose fight over flight. His voice definitely cracked and his words held no real threat but, in the moment, it was exhilarating. Despite his fear, the crowd still went silent. Their faces stunned because Peter Parker never raises his voice. And just as Peter started to feel as though he’d won, it was ripped away from him.
“S-Shut up, T-Thor! D-Don’t talk to me and my pig like that!” Loki dramatically mocked Peter’s voice, bringing the crowd and Thor back into their laughter.
And Peter bit his lip again, hard enough for a faint coppery taste to rush his mouth. His eyes stung, and the trembles from his hands traveled up his arms and engulfed his entire being. He was upset, but his nerves kept him from choosing fight again. Instead, he stood from the table and ran. One foot in front of the other towards the cafeteria doors. Wanting nothing more than to escape the vicious scrutiny of his teenage peers.
But then, Peter was falling. His foot catching on some unidentifiable something and his face careening towards the off-white linoleum tiles. The impact hurt; more to his pride than to his body. And the laughter was louder, especially when Peter turned to see Clint’s outstretched foot and Natasha’s smug grin. Still, Peter chose flight. He clenched his teeth and scrambled to feet, and didn’t bother to look back as he finished his sprint to the doors.
Even in the calm of the hallway, Peter didn’t stop running. His body buzzed with an intense need to put as much distance between himself and his bullies as he could. His eyes were burning with the need to cry. His heart hurt and his mind was filled with flashbacks of every single time he endured, ignored, and struggled in silence. So he ran, and the only thing with the power to stop him was the sturdy chest of Tony Stark.
“Watch where you’re fucking going, Parker!” Tony yelled, making Peter flinch backward.
Out of all the people in the school, Tony Stark was the most fearsome. The most blood-hungry. The most respected. No one wanted to be on Tony’s bad side. The last guy who managed to piss him off doesn’t even go to the school anymore. Peter still remembers the day when the guy left on a stretcher, swearing up and down that Tony had nothing to do with it. But Peter knew, and so did every other student.
“S-S-Sorry, To-Tony. I-I didn’t- I w-was- I-” Peter stuttered, unable to get a coherent word out underneath the terrifying boy’s gaze.
Tony scoffed with an amused grin on his face, “S-S-Sorry, To-Tony.” He repeated with a laugh, bringing his hand up to flick Peter squarely on his forehead. “What the fuck is wrong with you, Parker? Just fucking speak.”
Peter brought a hand against his forehead, holding the spot where Tony’s finger connected. The dull throbbing pulled at his very last shred of self-control. He couldn’t take it anymore. His eyes betrayed him first as tears began waterfalling down his cheeks. Next was his voice. It turned to sobs and whines – all breathy and weak and embarrassing – but he couldn’t care. His body was the next to go. His frame visibly trembling and his hands covering his face as he just cried. Pathetically, and in front of Tony Stark.
“What the fuck, Parker?” Tony scoffed, “It was just a flick. Don’t be a little bitch about it.”
But Peter couldn’t stop his tears.
“Why the hell are you crying? Fuck-” Tony’s tone changed, dropping to something softer and a bit more frantic. “Seriously, Parker, quit it.”
But the tears kept flowing.
“Fucking hell. Just-! I’m sorry- just stop. Fucking stop-” Tony was rambling and if Peter wasn’t so lost in his overwhelming emotions, he would have taken notice of Tony Stark’s uncharacteristic apology.
“Peter.”
That did it. Peter finally glanced up, surprised to see a worried face staring down at him. He parted his lips, wanting to speak, wanting to say something – because holy shit, Tony Stark just apologized and called him Peter – but no words came. Instead, his eyes went wide and his tears stopped pouring and the wetness on his cheeks began to dry as he stared up into the taller boy’s dark eyes.
It was Tony who had the guts to break the silence. “Sorry,” He mumbled, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket and looking away from the shorter boy. “I wouldn’t have done it if I knew you were going to cry like that.”
Peter’s face went hot. “I-I…um, it’s okay. I’m sorry for- I didn’t mean to run into you like that.”
“It’s whatever,” Tony shrugged, his eyes carefully moving back to Peter’s and his voice soft and worrisome. “You mad?”
Peter was floored by the older boy’s wary energy. He had never spoken to Tony before – mainly due to the horror stories of the vicious bad boy who only spoke with his fists – but now, Peter was starting to doubt them. “It wasn’t you!” Peter shook his head, his nervous stutter melting away as he became more comfortable in Tony’s presence. “I mean, the flick hurt but it wasn’t what caused it. I was already upset.”
Tony’s eyebrow shot up, “What upset you?”
“I just get picked on a lot.” Peter gave a weak laugh. His arms moving across his body in a self hug like he was trying to disappear. “It’s not a big deal.” Peter lied.
Suddenly, Tony’s hand was against Peter’s hair, threading through his brown curls in a gentle patting motion. The touch made Peter’s shoulders jump up in surprise but he didn’t move. It was soothing and kind and Peter thought of it as Tony’s way of comforting him.
“Who picks on you?” Tony asked, leaning down to be at eye level with Peter and never stopping his soft touch. “I’ll fuck them up.”
Peter gasped at the proximity. Tony was close enough to kiss – why Peter’s mind went there, he didn’t know. “Y-You don’t have to do that.”
“No,” Tony shook his head, “I think I do.”
“But why?” Peter whispered, scared to speak too loudly with Tony’s face so close.
“’Cause I like you, Peter.”
A warm hue crept up Peter’s face and his stutter came back with the vengeance. “W-Wha-? What are you- You l-like me?! We’ve n-never spoke before! W-Why do you l-like me?”
“Don’t know. I just do.” Tony grinned, “And I hated seeing you cry. So, I’ll ask again, who the fuck picks on you? Name some names, baby, and I’ll make sure they don’t even breathe in your direction again.” A wild look filled Tony’s eyes. “Shit, if you said so, I’d make sure they never breathed another breath.”
Peter stared at Tony with bewildered eyes. Not only did Tony Stark just confess, but he threatened to kill Peter’s bullies and he called Peter baby. Baby. Peter couldn’t believe this was even happening. “I- I don’t- um… I-”
“You know what?” Tony stood upright and threw his arm around Peter’s shoulder. “Come on.” He started towards the lunchroom, towing a reluctant Peter at his side. “You can just point those bitches out. I’ll drag their stupid faces across the floor and then, me and you, we can have lunch together.”
“T-Tony, wait. I don’t- I can’t go back in there.” Peter felt his eyes begin to sting again.
“Don’t you worry one bit, baby.” Tony didn’t stop walking, instead, he pressed a quick kiss against Peter’s temple. “I’ve got you.”
The kiss sent a wave of goosebumps across Peter’s skin, and despite his nerves, he let Tony pull him along. He felt safe, held against the older boy’s side with a protective arm around his shoulders. He liked it. He liked him. “Okay.”
Tony smiled, “That your answer then?”
“To what?” Peter asked as they rounded the corner towards the cafeteria doors.
“To being mine.”
“Being yours?” Peter blushed again, “Isn’t that a bit possessive?”
“Probably, but I can’t help it. When I see something I want, I take it. And I really want you, baby.”
Peter giggled at Tony’s brutally candid words, “Okay, sure. I’ll be yours.”
“Perfect,” Tony placed a hand against the double doors. “Now, you better not change your mind when you see me fight for you.” He smirked, “I’ll try not to make it too bloody.”
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aight so here’s tim’s partial chart which you don’t have to know how to read i’m just putting it here for the people who do
putting a read more for length
sun in sagittarius - yr sun sign is the one most people know cuz it’s by birth date and you can just google it. the dates don’t change year to year the way others do. it’s yr sense of self, yr individuality, yr outward personality. sag suns tend to be rly social, active, honest to the point of hurting peoples’ feelings lmao. known to talk Too Much. impulsive. bad at foreseeing the consequences of their actions. bridge burners. HAAAAAATE being restricted in any way.
moon in capricorn - moon sign is more your internal self and people can often feel more closely aligned w/ their moon sign than their sun sign. moon sign can tell abt someone’s sensitivities and their instincts and where they find security. moon in cap generally indicates somebody who finds fulfillment in being useful to others and has an insane work ethic. has trouble cutting loose. cap moon folks tend to have a lot of insecurities wrt feeling ignored or useless. they want outside approval but can’t depend on it.
mercury in sagittarius - mercury rules over communication and intellect. indicates how someone interacts with other people. ppl with merc in sag fucking love traveling which y’know, considering tim travels for his job AND as a tourist. checks out. mercury in a fire sign can make them seem like they constantly have a fire under their ass pushing them forward. merc in sag have a talent for languages (tim speaks two fluently and at least two more enough to function).
venus in capricorn - venus is yr love language planet. it indicates how ppl feel and experience love/sex and also their feelings on what they find generally pleasurable in life. people with venus in cap can be rly withdrawn and often aren’t up front with their feelings in general but especially wrt relationships. this is PROBABLY why tim doesn’t talk abt his marriage much at all. they want loyalty and stability over all else. often attracted to partners with venus in a fire sign bc they tend to be more forward and initiate things and venus in cap doesn’t want to risk getting hurt. really slow to earn their trust.
mars in libra - mars is abt action and energy and assertiveness. it’s about drive - sex drive, ambition, what gets ppl fired up. ppl with mars in libra cannot make a fucking decision to save their lives but y’know, this is libra we’re talking about. libra placements suck at making decisions. i can say this as a libra moon who cannot commit to anything but i digress. mars in libra folks aren’t usually very social. they want permission from other people to make big moves. tend to be submissive in relationships both in general and in The Sex Way. ppl with mars in libra tend to attract more aggressive/forward/energetic partners.
jupiter in leo - jupiter symbolizes growth and expansion and how someone’s faith and ethics are. also sometimes associated with luck and fortune. ppl with jupiter in leo tend to have healthy self-confidence. they can be kinda arrogant but depending on other placements that arrogance is often not backed up. this can look like delusions of grandeur and often leads to people disliking their attitudes. as a fire alignment, there’s a lot of energy there, but it ends up being misplaced sometimes.
saturn in pisces - saturn is a bitch ass motherfucker. rules over restriction/order and maturity over time. saturn is basically that planet who will hurt you to teach u a gd lesson. the leather daddy of the planets if u will. people with saturn in pisces wanna make other peoples problems their own problems because they want to offer their emotional support, but it happens at the expense of wearing themselves thin. often really secluded private people. they have to find that balance between prioritizing themselves and prioritizing others, and if they can’t find it saturn will hurt their gd feelings.
uranus in virgo - so uranus is such a slow planet to orbit it doesn’t move sign alignments very often and can remain in the same sign for years and influence an entire generation. uranus rules over originality and freedom and revolution. ppl with uranus in virgo can be perfectionists. can be interested in things like ecology, the wellbeing of animals, and alternative medicine. gestures at tim’s 800 rescue animals and the fact that he goes to an acupuncturist. often left leaning to the point of seeming radical (this depends strongly on other placements though). big on social justice.
neptune in scorpio - neptune is also one of those slow planets. neptune rules spirituality and fantasy/imagination. ppl with this alignment can be into the occult. a huge amount of creative potential is there. this is why we saw a lot of rly influential art and music coming out of gen x folks!!
pluto in virgo - the slowest of planets. pluto is abt power and transformation. ppl with pluto in virgo can be critical and analytical. super methodical abt how they do things.
so those are the planets. there’s also a lot of other celestial bodies and points in the chart we look at also!! here they are
north node in taurus south node in scorpio - the nodes are mathematical points opposite each other in the chart. south node indicates your comfort zone and north node indicates what somebody wants out of life and has to go out of said comfort zone for. this alignment indicates somebody who struggles between holding onto things and letting shit go. TRUST ISSUES. also rly strong sexual energy that fucking asshole.
lilith in pisces - lilith is a fictional point opposite the actual moon. in mythology, lilith refused to submit to adam, rejected the world of adam & eve and decided to go chill with satan instead. which, lilith did nothing wrong but whatever. so yr lilith alignment can show what you have fascination with and what you reject about yourself. lilith in pisces people often have a fascination with self-sacrifice and often feel connected with EVERYTHING, which then leads to a lot of suffering. vulnerable to alcoholism/drug issues. people tend to find ppl with this alignment captivating but also can be intimidated/unsettled by them.
chiron in pisces - chiron is an asteroid btwn saturn and uranus. in mythology, chiron was an immortal centaur who was a healer and a teacher. he was injured by a poisonous arrow by heracles and it should have killed him but due to his immortality, he was suffering in excruciating pain but couldn’t die. he gave his immortality for prometheus and upon being sent to the underworld, zeus showed mercy on him and raised him up into the heavens as a celestial body. chiron symbolizes unhealable trauma but can also indicate how one can accept their suffering and move forward. people with chiron in pisces tend to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and feel they’re all too aware of the suffering of other people and things like violence and injustice. these people often respond to this by helping others in some way.
SO NOW I’M GONNA GO INTO ASPECTS. which is basically how certain planets align in the chart and interact with each other. i don’t have time to describe what these terms mean cuz i’ve already been writing for an hour so just use google lmao
sun conjunct venus - highlights feminine characteristics of all genders and sexes. artistic, creative, optimistic. often fashionable.
sun square saturn - folks with this alignment either give up at the first sign of a challenge or power thru that shit and learn from it. if this person has lower self esteem it’s generally improved by the fact they’re gratified by their own hard work.
sun square uranus - individualistic, eccentric. independent. can be inconsiderate of others. NEED to be different and NEED people to see they’re different. issues with authority.
sun square pluto - stubborn assholes. tend to be bossy and subconsciously manipulative.
moon sextile saturn - emotionally stable, reliable, helpful.
moon trine uranus - needs considerable emotional independence and freedom in a relationship and within ones family. often lead unconventional lifestyles (read: don’t work a 9-5, have polyam/open relationships, etc). MOOOOOD SWIIIIIINGS
moon sextile neptune - these folks want explanations for the world and will turn to things like religion or the occult to get answers. self-sacrificing and people tend to take advantage of them. messy home. perceptive and sensitive, especially wrt the arts
moon trine pluto - experiences emotions very fucking deeply. will express their opinions even if it’ll hurt the other person’s feelings. often closer with their mother than their father.
mercury sextile mars - quick thinkers. analytical, fast, practical.
mercury trine jupiter - open, sensitive, optimistic, kind. often into philosophy. big on traveling.
venus square mars - impulsive and enthusiastic. can be prone to losing their temper. often want impossible things.
venus square uranus - this aspect tends to complicate relationships because they literally see relationships as a loss of personal independence and autonomy. unconventional, eccentric, very original in their artistic/creative pursuits.
mars sextile jupiter - GOTTA GO FAST. always wants to be learning new things.
saturn opposition uranus - oof. these folks are often big chaotic and unpredictable. their logic sometimes only makes sense to them and it can seem they look down on other people unfairly, but it’s only because others don’t understand their thought process behind why they dislike someone.
saturn trine neptune - these people try to turn their dreams into their careers. spiritual but not necessarily religious.
saturn opposition pluto - DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY FUCKIN WANT. they have big ideas but don’t know how to get them going. can be a difficult personality type to deal with.
uranus sextile neptune - reinforces one’s sense of fantasy. can influence inspiration and originality and innovation in one’s creations.
uranus conjuction pluto - a generational alignment due to both planets being slow moving. strong, original personalities. big ideas.
neptune sextile pluto - also a generational alignment. depending on other alignments, it influences big transformations on a global scale. see: gen x
there are parallels and contra-parallels i could go into but like i have already been at this for forever and i think We Get It. and this is only half his chart without going into the houses cuz i don’t have his birth time!! that’d give us 12 more alignments to look at and tons more aspects!! so like!!! astrology is more than just yr sun sign folks. this has been me reading the fuck outta tim skold for 1600 words see ya
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Also,,, uh,,,, If midoriya let out all his emotions, bc he is such a good boy, he'd feel so fucking bad and start sobbing like 'IM SORRYY I DIDNT MEAN IT A R R AJTJENFJGN' even if bakugou didn't care,,, Midoriya would definitely act like 'NOOO IM MEANT TO BE A HERO HOW COULD I SAY THIS TO SOMEONE WHO IM PROBABLY GOING TO NEED TO WORK ALONGSIDE IN THE PRO HERO FUTURE R A A A WHAT IF I GET FANS AND THEY FIND OUT AND GIVE ME HATE ALL MIGHT SAVE ME' AND IN ALL HONESTU, I FEEL LIKE ITD HURT HIM MORE
hold up imma boutta project/analyze
ok so i do believe ur right that midoriya would feel absolutely AWFUL before, during, nd after any conversation that is a confrontation w baku
i believe this for a couple reasons;;;;
1) midoriya has a hard time letting loose negative emotions that like. arent characteristic of a “good person”. like he refuses to let himself act out and/or respond in ways that may be a little mean bc he just. idk if this is canon technically but like from what i can analyze abt his character, he hinges his self-esteem on being a good person. so, if he were to ever act in a way that would Question that notion, i think he’d fall in on himself. so he doesn’t have any experience letting loose such emotions nd he’d be scared of the aftermath of doing so, not just bc of bakugou, but also what it might mean for who he is
and also 2) as fucked up nd complex as his relationship w bakugou is, he does care for him. i think its also canon that he hates him at the same time?? so hes got a lot of internal conflict over him, let alone bringing it out into the light and trying to mediate between those two sides of himself during a conversation
and then 3) he spent a long time like,,just pushing bakugou’s assholeness off?? like he knew bakugou was like a dick but he cared for him and didnt want to ruin his future w his personal beef (even though he was entitled to like u dont use ur quirk on someone @/young baku) so he just shrugged off the incidences the best he could. to confront baku abt everything tho, he would have to acknowledge everything that happened to him nd that would be so taxing emotionally he’d have to face the fact that he never even got a childhood bc of the relentless bullying not just from baku but the rest of his peers and oh GOD
so its bc of these three main reasons i think midoriya would l o a t h e to confront baku abt anything, and if he did confront him, he’d feel awful afterwards
HOWEVER he has good friends now and he knows what a good friendship is supposed to look like and also his self-esteem and self-image isnt so crippled anymore and he knows he deserves basic decency now and bakugou like.....for years never gave him that. for YEARS. and it cost midoriya many things, the least of which were having friends/a sense of importance
so like. i think for months he’d be warring with himself over “to talk or to not talk” bc,,,the three reasons but also he wants ANSWERS bakugou was so awful to him for YEARS he wants the REASONS he wants an APOLOGY he wants to be TAKEN SERIOUSLY because DAMMIT people -- teachers, peers, strangers at parks, whatever -- all simply WATCHED him being brought down OVER and OVER and OVER and he just. he needs to know he needs closure he needs. he needs.
SOOooo i think one night he’d just snap like baku does smth snarky or w/e and midoriya just completely freaks the fuck out
its a screaming match and midoriya can hardly breathe thro his tears but he NEEDS baku to know and he NEEDS answers and he just. he cant keep this contained any longer he will literally die if he tries to keep this to himself to his grave
so midoriya probably pulls a conversational curveball (probably brings up baku s*icide baiting him) and baku just freezes
while baku is frozen midoriya just fucking spills his entire guts and heart out and at the end he tries to demand an explanation but his actions have caught up with him at that point nd midoriya cant even move hes feeling so many emotions and oh god. he just yelled everything at bakugou
if midoriya could stand he’d probs run away but he cant MOVE fam his heart’s just so heavy
anyway theyre probably heard by like Everyone in the dorms so when the silence stretches on midoriya’s friends probs come in and help him to his room while baku’s just left to like digest all of that
back in mido’s room he’s probably crying just not as loudly bc “oh god im such a bad person i was supposed to keep it to myself i was supposed to be better im supposed to be a good person what good person would scream at the person theyve known the longest im so awful hes right im useless im evil im so fucking-” nd midoriya’s friends Quickly put an end to that the best they can but yknow midoriya’s just all over the place tonight
anyway some hours later baku knocks on the door nd under the izucrew’s monitoring, baku has a talk w midoriya
midoriya didnt rlly get to ask bakugou why any of their past happened, but bakugou feels like he should tell him his side of the story since midoriya told him his
nd its not,,satisfying cause bakugou’s still trying to figure out his past actions and motives himself but its something and hes actually remorseful and also he heard midoriya out and doesnt hate him so midoriya will take it
anyway once bakugou tells his side, he ends it with a *gasp* actual apology!!!! and he promises to do better
nd midoriya’s like “i cant forgive u, not yet at least, but like. thanks for this” bc hey he got his closure yknow
so theyre probs just rlly on uneven footing w each other for a couple months before midoriya asks if he wants to try as friends again nd blah blah im sure we all know the story from there
SOOOOOOOOOO basically; ur right midoriya would feel like complete shit before, during, and after the conversation(s), but i think in the end it would be beneficial for both him and bakugou’s character
cause bakugou will see how his actions hurt the person he’s known the longest firsthand, and the person who’s done nothing but admire him will snap at him for the first time, nd i think that would lead to good introspection on baku’s side
nd ofc midoriya getting to spill his entire guts would be cathartic as shit he’d feel a lot better after getting it out there instead of trying to keep it pushed down. plus, bakugou (or anyone else for that matter) wouldnt hate him for talking abt his feelings SO yeah after he accepts the situation Happened he’d feel,,a lot better,,
so like. to midoriya this whole conversation would be like a necessary evil thing, but it would help him and by extension bakugou, not hurt them
anyway thats my hot take dkjfdkjnk this became half a fic so i apologize anyway stan midoriya thanks thats all
#this episode in ive got issues and on god if i dont project them on midoriya---#OOF anyway#c makes a word#answer#bakugo katsuki#midoriya izuku
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both aus / general
very soft hair when it’s not styled but you can’t touch it unless you’ve caught him when he’s sleepy and/or just waking up because you will be assassinated
his uncle’s surname is trumble so tbh valeska probably wasn’t lila’s real surname. she’d have changed it to sound more “exotic” in the circus. but let’s thank god for that and the fact that the twins are valeskas
doesn’t tend to lie because he’s more the “cruel honesty” type, but is a very good liar when he does - not as good as jeremiah because lying was always jeremiah’s forte, but jerome can easily put on an act or think up a story on the spot with enough detail to make it convincing
can easily go days without sleeping, and when he does fall asleep it’s only in his actual bed like 40% of the time
throws all of his red clothes in with jeremiah’s white clothes for washing constantly
swears so often. can easily say “fucking” twice in one sentence and throws one use of “shit” in there for good measure
no short sleeves outside ever. in private maybe, but not for long
his favourite colour is red, but he actually kinda likes pink too, especially hot pink
his first word was “miah”
villain au
lowkey hates being touched from behind e.g. pats on the back, a hand on his shoulder, etc, especially unexpectedly (and just hates the feeling of being snuck up on in general). he’ll stiffen like hell and the only people who can get away with it without him reflexively whacking their hands off of him are jeremiah and bruce, but they tend not to do it anyway because they can tell he doesn’t like it
absolutely had a super embarrassing doodle of a heart in his diary with “j + b” inside it, along with some v crude scribbles of things like him and bruce holding hands and them stabbing someone
Scary Kinks tbh. knives, pain (both others’ and his), blood, whatever, he has very little sense of limits. he is honestly not above even sticking a gun in your mouth if that’s what he’s feelin’. he’s only done that with bruce once, during the rebellious phase and the early days of the physical stuff, when he was still pushing limits and seeing how far bruce was really willing to go here and there weren’t a ton of Romo Feelings involved; he’d straddled bruce on a chair and he put the barrel of a pistol to bruce’s mouth, expecting nervousness or panic or some kind of reaction along those lines - but bruce just maintained steady eye contact and opened his mouth slightly, with no fear and watching him right back, which basically resulted in jerome thinking oh and yep, brucie’s something alright, grinning and throwing the gun off to the side to be ignored while they got on with Things. he wouldn’t do that with bruce anymore though - as dangerous as their lives generally are and as much as he loves that, he’s far less willing to go carelessly pointing loaded guns at bruce himself these days
does not like being tied up during NSFW Activities because he hates feeling confined/trapped and not being able to move his arms and not feeling in control because it’s too vulnerable, but bruce being tied up is Another Matter Entirely
lowkey praise kink. will either tell you to shut up or find Ways to distract you from talking if you actually try it, but is secretly kinda into it because he requires positive feedback in Most Things
identifies as bi but really couldn’t give a flying fuck about gender. if you’re fun and you can give him a good time, the rest is background noise
is annoyed when people are taller than him, so he avoids standing directly next to people who are too often (but on the other hand really likes standing next to shorter people because he likes to make it obvious that he Wins)
takes the fact that jonathan is the only person in the team taller than him as a personal threat. once idly mused to him about the possibility of sawing off his feet so he could be superior and just got a very deadpan try it. look and decided “…….maybe some other time”. it was probably a joke anyway. like 90%.
despite having a boyfriend who wears black almost exclusively, he pretty much never wears black himself. he’ll occasionally wear dark suits or one item of black clothing or whatever, but he always has something in his outfit with colour and tends to go for brightness over anything else
sends awful memes in the team group chat at 3am and no one thinks they’re funny except him and jervis. sometimes ivy does, and she occasionally sends a nice response even if she doesn’t just to be polite, but other times they are just Too Bad even for her
does also pm ivy Nice Things that remind him of her though, and these she does like. he also sends her random pictures of animals and flowers w captions like “is it just me or does this beanstalk kinda look like jonathan” and she can’t help giggling a lil at some of them and then feeling bad for it
master of the ironic “UWU” and “OWO” emojis and everyone else hates it
him and jervis are the only people jonathan actually responds to on the phone (other people can call him but he’ll just silently listen to what you have to say and then hang up, so it’s in the air whether he even heard you or not) and he finds it disproportionately funny that jonathan once answered the phone with “whomst.” instead of “hello”
he never self-harmed in the sense of cutting, but he also doesn’t have the same reservations about causing himself pain that others do, so he’s done things like put out cigarettes on his wrists/hands, test the sharpness of knives on himself, etc. and physical pain can be something of a release for him
generally fearless, but he was genuinely scared of his mother, uncle and the men his mother had over - killing lila and zach helped with a lot of this and made him feel like he’d won. he still gets a little on edge when someone reminds him of them in speech/appearance/personality, but he’s more likely to use it as an opportunity to prove to himself that he has power over the memory of lila/zach and that they can’t hurt him anymore by getting one over on the person in question too
in the very early stages of the abuse, he coped with it by believing that his mother loved him no matter what and clung to the hope that it would all stop one day and she’d sober up and love him properly. it sinking in that she didn’t love him at all and that it was never going to change was one of the things that ended up contributing to his eventual psychotic break
what is a stable self-esteem? jerome doesn’t know. can go from calling himself garbage to calling himself a god in .0002 seconds
tried to strangle an arkham therapist once because she brought up his childhood abuse and kept pushing him to talk about it and he just lost it. after that, all attempts at therapy for him were dropped
has an uncomfortable amount of knowledge about how to set broken bones and put in dislocated joints because there were times in the circus when things got really really bad and he should have gotten hospital treatment, but obviously nobody would have taken him, so he had to learn to do even the serious shit himself. early on, he came dangerously close to seriously fucking himself up and making his injuries worse more than once thanks to his amateur first attempts at fixing them
people in the circus were kinda-sorta aware of what went on with his mother, but basically just didn’t care; it wasn’t their business
touch-starved. one of the reasons he reacts so strongly the times when bruce is super gentle with him is because literally no one has ever just touched him softly before (and generally he isn’t used to being touched at all without pain immediately following) so at first it’s almost too much
generally isn’t affected by his facial scars and isn’t self-conscious about them at all, but is very used to other people finding them scary/unpleasant so was genuinely thrown off-balance the first time bruce traced them and called him beautiful
surprisingly, he can actually cook - he had to make his own food a lot in the circus when he was younger, it was either that or scrounge from the circus food stalls, bc lila sure as hell wasn’t making him meals - he just chooses not to anymore because, frankly, he can’t be bothered
he and bruce don’t really ever say “i love you” in so many words. they know what they have going on, so why would they need to verbalise it all the time when they already know it’s there? jerome’s really not into that kind of thing anyway, and honestly bruce isn’t the most emotionally open person either. bruce was the first of them to acknowledge and accept how he felt, and never denied it when asked by someone else, but he knows jerome and his background and thus never said it first in order to avoid pushing him into territory that may be uncomfortable for him. but the first time either of them said the words to the other, it came, surprisingly, from jerome, spur-of-the-moment - one of the nights he spends in the city with bruce alone, doing the dark shit they do. at one point, bruce slit a man’s throat in a particularly vicious way; jerome was at his shoulder, watching how he did it, and it came out without him really meaning it to: “god, i fucking love you.” bruce might not need to hear it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel good when he does - he made sure jerome had no chance of trying to play it off as a joke by turning around and promptly distracting him with a kiss. ...blood-covered and all.
has some experience with sleeping rough because sometimes lila would just kick him out because she didn’t want to see him that night, so he had to crash with someone else in the circus if they took pity on him or find somewhere else on the grounds/surrounding streets. he’d venture back a couple of days later when he knew she was out, and she’d come back and see he was there - she wouldn’t say anything and would basically just blank him, and that was the cue that he was safe to say
used to cry a lot and got called a crybaby by other kids in the circus when he was very young. over time, he taught himself to laugh whenever he felt like crying, and it got to the point where it was just an ingrained thing, so instead of breaking down and crying, he would get half-involuntary laughing fits instead. he got into a mindset of “everything is hilarious if you just think about it for long enough” as another coping method, because why should he be sad when everything in the world and everything that is happening to him is so damn funny?
doesn’t happen often, but very occasionally he sleep-talks and says some weird shit and bruce is just like “……..Alright.” he never remembers this in the morning
sleeping position varies depending on the time period. he’s either curled up on the very edge of the bed and taking up as little space as possible without falling off, or he’s sprawled out over the entire thing, and there’s no in-between. the ‘taking up no space’ thing is left over from childhood, but bruce notices this and the longer he’s with bruce and the more comfortable he gets with him (and the more it sinks in that, no, there will not be Consequences if he just lets himself relax - because he does a great job most of the time of not showing any vulnerability over his childhood, but when it comes to night-time and sleeping with someone else there, old habits and fears kick in a little at first), the more he just becomes The Most Fidgety Sleeper Ever. bruce gets smacked awake by his arm in his face a few times, but he has figured out a Solution - if he intertwines his fingers with jerome’s or shifts jerome’s arm down to his waist or something, jerome will just latch onto him in his sleep because warmth. no mentions of this in the morning allowed though, and he was definitely not cuddling, never call it that, he can’t control what he does when he’s asleep, BRUCE
still has nightmares sometimes - nights are when he’s at his most vulnerable basically, so bruce knows damn well that jerome letting him see that side of him is a gesture of trust
is lowkey intimidated by ecco because that girl picked his ass up when he was unconscious and dead weight, so she could absolutely pick him up while he’s fully awake, and that’s just too much strength for such a tiny woman. he will never admit this. tries to scare her instead because he has a reputation to uphold and is eternally annoyed about the fact that she doesn’t seem at all affected (but he’s convinced that she’s just hiding her fear really well)
high school au
climbs through bruce’s window a lot unnecessarily because he doesn’t want alfred to open the door. alfred usually finds out he’s there anyway, so he would be perfectly fine just going to bruce’s house the normal way, but he likes to pretend that he’s being sneaky and thus cool
watches a lot of stand-up comedy but is also the world’s worst critic and constantly makes comments about how he “could have made that joke better” or “there was a better way to word that”, which is what originally kickstarts the idea of going into comedy himself
………hm………. concept………. jerome w a pierced tongue………
watched twilight “ironically”. team edward if he had to choose, but thinks both edward and jacob are idiots and will get into an argument about this. will also legitimately debate about vampires vs werewolves. thinks that there should have been a big bloody fight at the end where everyone died, because if there is no violence/gore it’s a shit movie, this is a non-negotiable rule of his
has a fondness for gross/creepy creatures. he’s not at all scared of spiders and will kidnap the bigger ones in glasses and attempt to keep them until jeremiah (and later bruce) makes him put it outside. he’ll straight-up pick up a spider and let it run across his hands while other people scream about it
before bruce and elijah come along and before things start to change, he’s essentially living for jeremiah. if it weren’t for the fact that he has to look out for jeremiah and would never leave him in that environment alone and the fact that they promised each other they would always be there for each other no matter what, jerome’s lack of self-preservation would be a lot worse than it is bc without that to keep him tied to something he just wouldn’t care
when they were very little, the twins had a habit of sneaking into each other’s beds to sleep at night, usually after it had been a bad day with their mother and something had happened. they grew out of it when they got a little older, especially jerome once he stopped being so open with vulnerability/affection, but it was still a comfort that they slept near each other thanks to their caravan being too small for anything else so they knew the other was close-by. once jerome developed a habit of sneaking out at nights, this was also how jeremiah would often hear him leaving or would wake up and immediately notice he was gone
no one will play mario kart with him anymore because he gets ridiculously competitive and ruthless and he has no honour. he will shove you off of your seat so he can overtake you while you’re still getting up.
the only people who can tell him and jeremiah apart by voice alone are bruce and elijah. if anyone else calls their apartment, it’s just impossible to immediately work out who’s answered the phone at first unless they throw in a really obvious mannerism. if the person who picked up the phone is speaking with their mouth full and answered with “yo wassup”, it’s probably jerome. that or jeremiah’s finally broken.
speaking of phone calls, jerome is a nightmare when jeremiah is expecting a work call. if jerome gets to the phone first, it’s just: “is - is this mr. valeska?” “…you’re gonna have to be more specific, pal.” “…the j. valeska that i was supposed to call–?” “nope, pause, do better than that.” then the caller has to wait on the line while they hear “[muffled voice in the distance] JEROME, IS THAT THE CALL I SAID WAS IMPORTANT” “i dunno, maybe. i wasn’t really listening” “i SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO ANSWER THE PHONE IF IT RANG WHILE I WAS SHOWERING” and then vague sounds of clattering and voices before they get a flustered jeremiah on the line like “i am so sorry”
jerome is by far the messier twin, so his room is always a heap of dirty clothes and food packets and empty bottles/cans, but jeremiah can get really fixated on his work so his computer desk and his work-spaces are just full of papers and documents and empty coffee mugs. whenever he gets on at jerome about cleaning up after himself, jerome’s like [WILL SMITH POSE @ JEREMIAH’S DESK] WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE
jerome and elijah have been to the hospital so many times because of the stupid shit they do that they’re basically on a first-name basis with a bunch of the doctors and nurses. whenever they come in, it’s like “oh, what have you boys done now?” (but really the nurses all love them bc they’ve charmed them and their stories about what happened this time are always hilarious)
bruce cooks sometimes and jerome “helps”, by which i mean he sits at the kitchen counter and just gossips to him, plays on his phone and/or watches him without actually lifting a finger to do anything - until he gets bored and things end up burning because bruce gets Distracted. eventually bruce enlists him to help chop vegetables and stir things because if he’s here, he can be useful, and jerome’s like “hmm what do i get in return?” so they develop a barter system where [x] activity gets jerome [x] amount of kisses and thus things actually get done while satisfying both of them without too much distraction. the only issue being that jerome keeps a) raising his prices and b) insisting on getting rewards for the most ridiculous shit now, like passing a bag of carrots over the counter because it’s just “SO MUCH UNPAID LABOUR, BRUCE”
still has moments where he reflexively flinches if someone significantly older/bigger/taller than him moves too quickly or suddenly, though people around his size/age or less are fine
is actually more self-conscious about his burnt hand than he lets on. he puts on a front like it doesn’t bother him, but the fact that he’s usually wearing fingerless gloves or has a bandage wrapped around it or has his sleeves pulled over his hands when he can’t have either of those says something. he actually managed to keep bruce and elijah from seeing it for quite a while, since that would have been harder to explain away than other things - they noticed he usually had his hands covered but didn’t think it was for a particular reason beyond it being a Jerome Quirk. one of the most notable things that happens in the future when things start to improve is that he stops wearing the gloves and eventually actually lets bruce hold that hand, whereas before if bruce tried he’d usually pull away and switch sides so bruce could hold the other
the others convinced him to see a therapist after he was officially diagnosed and unexpectedly he agreed (mostly to get everyone off his back), and he was assigned to a relatively young woman called bee. he didn’t expect it to accomplish anything and basically spent the first few sessions being an uncooperative shit and turning everything back on her and giving her smartass answers to her questions. it took a long while, but she eventually proved to be Cool and Funny enough for him to start warming up to her - which didn’t mean he was any more cooperative with the therapy side of things, but it did mean he started to use the phone number she gave him to text her about completely unrelated things in the vein of “holy shit bee you’re not gonna believe what miah just did”. she went along with it and their sessions morphed into jerome mostly giving her Gossip or them having casual conversations - but girl knew what she was doing. he gradually started to talk about bruce, jeremiah and elijah, about his relationship, about school, about the circus, and eventually opened up more about certain things that happened. he never quite got to the point of discussing his feelings about the abuse in-depth (though he did end up telling her a fair amount abt how he felt about bruce) but all in all therapy ended up having a positive effect on him, though bee was v talented at letting him think he wasn’t really giving her much info and that every realisation he came to during their sessions was down to him alone and not because he was talking things through with someone
likes hugs/cuddling/hand-holding much more than he will ever let on
never completely stops smoking, but he does tone it down after they all leave high school. he’ll smoke with other people and sometimes when he’s really bored or waiting for someone, but it’s not one of his first methods of passing the time anymore. trying to get him to stop drinking is a lost cause, though.
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Neville/Blaise Why did you do that?
(Damn, I’m really starting to like this ship haha this has an oddly serious and formal tone, not sure why, but I fucking love it myself! This one got to 1.8k, whoops, so here’s an AO3 Link for easier reading!)
“Why did you do that?” Blaise asked quietly, as the deathly silence of the ballroom began to be filled with chatter again.
Neville glanced at him once, then away, still catching his breath from his outburst, and tugging at his robes to straighten them.
“I think that’s obvious.”
Blaise glanced around. People were looking away in that way that made it clear that they were all very much still thinking of Neville’s outburst. It would probably be in the papers tomorrow.
“You can’t go insulting senior members of the government like that,” he said, still quietly.
“I’ll do more than that,” Neville snapped, his face reddening again. “I’ll be passing his name on the anti-discrimination committee. Those disgusting attitudes are no longer accepted in our society. The sooner those old wankers get used to that, the better!”
Blaise saw several people near them glance their way with scandalised expressions. It wasn’t the place to continue this, but neither could he hold his tongue.
“It’s not as if anything he said was untrue,” he muttered.
Neville grabbed his arm roughly, and yanked his sleeve up. Blaise managed to cut off his sound of surprise, but they drew attention anyway. Neville used his grip on Blaise’s arm to pull him closer.
“There is no mark on your arm, you are not a Death Eater,” he snapped, looking around until he spied the Deputy Chief of the Wizengamot, and scowling darkly at him. “Just because you were sorted into Slytherin when you were eleven years old is no bloody reason for—”
“Alright, calm down!” Blaise hissed, freeing his arm, and yanking his sleeve back down. “You’ve already made one scene too many.”
Neville took a few deep breathes, and then took his arm again. Before Blaise could protest, he was being tugged away towards the open doors leading to the gardens.
Rather than cause another scene, since the papers would already be unbearable the next day, he allowed Neville to tug him along. Once outside, Neville followed the edge of the manor, until the sound of the ball was faint, and there was no one around.
Stopping abruptly, Neville let go of his arm, and paced in front of him.
Blaise straightened his robes, and waited. From the way Neville had exploded at the Deputy Chief of the Wizengamot, this was a long time coming, and it was best to let him get it out of his system.
Finally, Neville turned on him.
“Where is that self-preservation that you Slytherins are so proud of?” he asked, his face no longer red, but still visibly upset. “How can you let people speak of you that way? You were never those things!”
As if a sudden heaviness settled on Blaise’s shoulders, he allowed his perfectly bred posture to slump.
“If I were to react as you did, I would find myself arrested. You still might be fined, or worse,” he said tiredly. “You shouldn’t have said anything. Getting yourself in trouble in defence of someone like me is just daft.”
Neville stared at him. The silence dragged on, until Blaise looked away, suddenly uncomfortable.
After a few moments, Neville sighed again. “Are we not friends now, Blaise?”
A tremor started in Blaise’s hands, and he clenched them tightly into fists. This was also a long time coming, and he still wasn’t ready for it.
“I have no other reason to spend so much time in your gardens and greenhouses, watching you work,” he muttered, still unable to look at him.
“And no other reason for me to go all those terrible plays with you,” Neville said, failing to lighten his tone, but making his intentions obvious.
But Blaise didn’t feel lighter, or more at ease. Becoming friends with him had been hard enough. More than that…it would be unbearable, for a time. The anti-discrimination committee was only making things worse half the time. Neville’s status as one of the Heroes of the Battle for Hogwarts might protect him to a certain extent, but there was still a black mark on many Slytherins, and those that were associated with them. If that ever changed, it would take at least a few more years.
“Blaise, I have every reason to defend you,” Neville said, quieter, softer. “I can’t stand to hear them talk about you like that. You don’t deserve it.”
Grimacing, Blaise found he still couldn’t look at him. “I could have been a Death Eater, if the war had gone on any longer. We can’t ever know what might have happened.”
“And you could have been one earlier. But you weren’t, and you didn’t want to be. That’s what matters.”
“I don’t want to talk about the war,” Blaise said, finally looking at him.
Neville nodded, but stepped closer. Blaise’s hands were still trembling, but Neville’s were steady, as he reached out to gently cup Blaise’s face.
“What about this?” Neville asked, searching his expression. “Can we talk about this?”
Blaise’s heart was racing. All the long looks between them, the gestures and casual touches that were starting to last longer and longer than was appropriate. Getting to know Neville had been an eye-opening experience. It made him regret so much of what an idiot he had been in school. For not seeing the worth of him sooner. For being so cruel.
He didn’t deserve him as a friend, and he certainly didn’t deserve this.
“I suppose it had to be mentioned, eventually,” he said, hating the way his voice shook.
Neville only seemed to look calmer. “We have such a strange way of doing these things, don’t we?” he said, stepping even closer. “But I’m more than ready to step back and continue as we have been. Because I won’t ever be able to stand by and hear people say such things about you without reacting that way. Without defending you. And I’d be stupid if I thought this wouldn’t make all that worse for you.”
Unclenching his fists, Blaise reached across the scant distance, and rested his hands lightly on Neville’s waist. A gesture Neville took to mean he could step closer again, until their bodies were brushing, and Blaise could feel his breath, warm across his face, and smelling of the wine they’d been serving.
He almost wished Neville was drunk, but he only ever had one glass at events. If he was drunk, and things went badly, it would be so much easier to dismiss later.
“I stopped thinking you were an idiot a long time ago,” Blaise murmured. “But are you sure? Have you really thought this through?”
Neville smiled. “I’ve thought of little else for months, Blaise. And I knew you were thinking of it too. But thinking doesn’t always mean you want to actually do anything about it.”
Blaise closed his eyes, and gripped Neville’s waist tighter. “I do though. For months,” he admitted, his whole body feeling hot. Even knowing Neville wanted the same, it was so nerve wracking. “I’m not as brave as you. Spending time with you means so much to me now, the risk of losing that…”
Opening his eyes, he couldn’t begin to interpret Neville’s expression, but the thumb brushing over his lips said a lot.
“Tell me clearly that you want this,” Neville said. “Or tell me you don’t, and nothing will change. We’ll still be friends. But tell me something, please.”
Blaise wanted to laugh at how ridiculous they were both being. But he had never been clear about his interest in men, and neither had Neville, and that was always hard to overcome, knowing but never having spoken of it. And Blaise was still disliked in society, even if he made them deal with him anyway, and Neville had already been harassed over their friendship. So much risk, knowing that more trouble would come from it, when things could just say the same instead.
But he wanted so much more, regardless of the consequences.
“Neville, please,” he said, the rest of the words not forming, and still, Neville was stroking his lips with his thumb. Blaise just wanted to grab him by his collar, and kiss him until they couldn’t breathe. But he couldn’t quite make himself move. Neville would suffer more from this happening than he would, when he was so used to what people said about him. It didn’t seem right for him to initiate this.
“Please what?” Neville asked, letting his hand fall away, but still cupping his jaw with the other.
“You’re really going to make me say it?” Blaise asked, managing to scowl.
Neville smiled at him. “I guess not, though it is tempting,” he said, his voice tense, but still a bit teasing. A moment later, his expression cleared, and he leaned forward enough that their lips were almost touching. “Can I kiss you, Blaise?”
Blaise had to take a moment to steady himself. He’d been wanting this for so long, he might embarrass himself with his eagerness, and ruin the moment.
But he’d barely uttered an affirmation, before Neville closed the distance, pressing their lips together gently, still cupping his jaw with one hand, and the other arm circling around his back to pull him closer. Blaise didn’t resist for a moment, but melted into him, relaxing completely. It was over sooner than he expected, but Neville stayed exactly where he was, and rested his forehead against Blaise’s.
“Still want this?” he asked.
Blaise couldn’t help but snort. “No, you’re a horrid kisser, absolutely ruined the moment. I could never want anything to do with someone who kisses like that.”
Neville chuckled. “You know, you could cripple a man’s self-esteem with talk like that.”
Blaise smiled, keeping his eyes closed. “You’ll have to kiss me again, so I can be sure.”
“Oh? Just the once?” Neville teased. “These things take time, and careful consideration. You’ll want a large sample size to—”
“If you start talking about kissing like your bloody hybridisation experiments, you will be ruining the moment,” Blaise huffed, opening his eyes to frown at him.
Neville smiled back. “Would you believe I’m rambling because I’m nervous?”
Blaise laughed again, and then bumped their noses, feeling his face heat from the stupidity of the gesture, and the way it made his stomach quiver anyway.
“I want this with you, and no number of kisses will ever be enough for me,” he said, and that was as close as he could get himself to a declaration of feelings that night.
Neville bumped his nose right back, and then kissed him again. And again. He kept kissing until they parted breathless, and rather ruffled. He looked at Blaise like he was one of his precious hybrids, and it made Blaise’s stomach quiver again.
“I feel the same,” Neville said softly, and Blaise couldn’t even begin to tell himself he was only talking of kisses.
“I should hope so,” he muttered, before grabbing him by the collar, and pulling him in for another round.
Prompting rules | My other prompted drabbles: Tumblr or AO3
#blaise x neville#neville x blaise#slytherdornet#hprarepairnet#blaise zabini#neville longbottom#harry potter#my fanfic#udderlymoo#asked and answered#prompted writing#*
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Post J call (19/05) [diary sub.]
4 days of no sleep has meant unblocking+subsequently spending a lot of time thinking about or talking to J the past couple days. but damage done & now that I know that this man has stopped doing all the things he was supposed to do continue doing once we were completely over; ensuring that he does those things again feels like my responsibility!!
-SO! An attempt at digesting some of the most jarring things he said since instantaneous reflection/clarity was impossible !! -
“when you first wanted to end things there was no doubt that you’d be coming back out here”
like there’s a pandemic and i have no reason i need to go back to the bay as it’s alll online now ??
“see I’m not even in LA!! I chose not to be for you!!”
We’ve had no contact for months and I had no idea he still mainly lived in Oakland?? So that cannot be put on me?? ALSO literally one of the last things I had said to him was about how at least now he can live in LA & something to the effect of how he should try + actually enjoy the lifestyle now?? LA bitches always made me feel a way & a lot of the LA guys he worked with or just at different events were just a lot???
“How can you act like this is the way its supposed to be with us?? If you just decided that there’s not even a chance anymore than that’s fucked up that you gave me false hope”
WHAT THE FUCK. It’s certainly not healthy to entertain possibility of reconciliation, for plenty of reasons but especially as he’s not risen to the occasion of doing what he needs to do! I didnt leave him high and dry as he has the blueprints, tools, and resources now. Literally last night he was texting acknowledging how we’re both not “whole” and it seemed he got that we must be separate but I guess not?? I didn’t give him false hope???
Damn like I was still balancing my own academic + professional + personal obligations and mental health ?? I will do basically anything for someone I love and as his gf ended up taking on quite a bit . But I was 21/22 w. a rigorous course+research load,demanding job, & my own traumas & mental illness to manage??? I loved tf out of him but I am too young & too shaky myself for the dynamic we had to have been sustainable?? I don’t regret putting him onto therapy+psychiatry & the business/financial resources/techniques but being his buffer for the industry stuff in LA was exhausting & fucked w me. I hate almost everything about LA& I get that he’s more introverted than me + has wild imposter syndrome but he was the one who had a right to be there I’m not even remotely connected to that field and again I despise most of the LA bitches- I’m in my early 20’s obviously I would still have wild self esteem issues etc?? I would literally be crying for a good portion of the drive or flight down there almost every time after the first one. But as he would literally run every single business decision or interaction by me & even once the money started coming + he had validation regarding his skill set, for awhile he still would be second guessing the creative aspect of it; and he only really trusts & is out of his shell completely with his Oakland friends, people in LA/anyone he works with he views strictly as clients/collaborators - he wouldn’t go to anything he needed to in LA if I wouldn’t come with him. Okkk yes he was ode loyal/ attentive to me as well as supportive + invested in my stuff & we really protected/looked out for one another in different ways, so it’s not that he was undeserving.. I just can’t be or do everything for someone!!! I also would not even have chance of being close to happy if I stayed in states now that I am completely disillusioned with medicine ??
“That’s insane that you’ve been able to move on like this that’s so fucking ode [my name redacted]. I bet you were fucking other people when were together”
What. the . fuck. I WAS NOTHING BUT LOYAL WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND UNLESS I WAS IN CLASSES OR WORKING WE WERE TOGETHER!! I actually have never spent so much time with one person (and didn’t even mind it) before or after him. He knows I never cheated on him smfh he hurled this same accusation back in the winter after I started hooking up with someone again. So I don’t really get why he’s even acting like this is brand new information because the inciting incident for me to cut him off completely a few months ago was how he was handling me hooking up with someone. Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to tbh??
Also if it wasn’t for pandemic or if he was IN LA as a single man, I’m sure he would’ve ended up with at least someone ?? Yeah he’s not a hookup kinda guy but if he was taking the same drgz but Im not there than Im sure he’d have plenty of bodies, he’s objectively gorgeous to the point that people are wild confused by his personality & mannerisms.
ALSO we’ve been broken up technically since the fall!! I’ve hooked up with TWO people, which is my prerogative?? I could hookup with a ton of people and it would still be well within my rights as in no way are he and I together ?? It doesn’t mean I don’t care or love him at all but it’s literally mid- May?? I get that he’s mainly upset that the person I most recently was with is the guy from Feb. What I didn’t count on or realize was that I had given J enough info that combined with his naturally sharp memory he’d piece together that the Feb/recent guy is the last person I was in love with before the relationship w J. Once he figured that out he was pressing for more info but I never give out names from situations anyways & I actually had to aggressively ask him if he enjoyed being hurt or something because there’s no reason he needs to fixate on this ??
“this is so fucked up youre not gonna give us a chance to say goodbye for real?? you promised me that it wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other , was this your plan all along ? i can’t believe i really thought you were gonna come back . i’m so fucking stupid. when i heard about schools, even graduations, going online i convinced myself that you still had to come back here or that you’d find a reason. what the fuck rachel! what am i supposed to do?”
Ok he started off yelling (for him) there but once it was just crying i got that his abandonment issues are triggered & that’s definitely valid but he can’t guilt me into coming out to Oakland & based off the past couple days he is not in a place that I can trust myself around. We’d definitely end up fucking & probably doing drgz & there would be no closure we’d just have intense /cinematic experiences that will make separation that much harder AGAIN. We can bring out the best in one another but we also bring out the absolute worst!! We can’t forget the truly fucking horrible parts of our relationship and how out of control it was. Love is not enough!!! The way we loved one another was all consuming & that doesn’t work when there’s soooo much individual healing+ growth that needs to happen.
of course i still love him as well , but i can’t even remind him of that as it’ll then be “so you’ll come back?” fuck like people can love people and know not to be with them!! if i was in a better place maybe i’d think about it; but i’m so far from where I need to be. ofc I miss a lot about him and the relationship but it’s more detrimental than it is beneficial!! it’s not like he didn’t have his grievances too he just doesn’t keep them in perspective in this type of situation . like yeah we coexisted extraordinarily well & never had little arguments over dumb shit/ needed a break from one another; but when we would fight it would be a massive aggressive blowout. ok great we didn’t find one another annoying but also we were respectively v fucking triggered by some deep rooted behavior (i.e our respective parents +trust issues, ptsd and psychosis manifested completely differently; bc of our constant proximity to one another - my BP was on full display multiple times; i accepted he was set on carrying but it was ultimately more like stockpiling ; we both at times did reckless things which made us obsess over the other’s safety [mine mainly in mixed or manic states] ; different attitudes/approaches to drgz) . the codependency was in some lights eventually p unhealthy , especially as eventually down the road itd be impossible to accommodate that degree of attachment to one another!!
ok in some way it’s romantic or w/e that we literally couldn’t be w/o one another at night but also we made it way harder on ourselves when we’d focus on making sure we could be with the other at their obligation instead of our respective responsibilities(i.e me always in LA with him, he ended up coming overseas 3x (EU&Middle East) when I was there for work/conference( for countries he wouldn’t be able to get into he waited at w/e neighboring one would be safe for him), based his UK work trip around my exams schedule so he could bring me, brought me to PFW, etc. ) even considering taking space at any point was never a real conversation.. we were genuinely best friends but just bounced back from w/e dysfunctional argument we had vs solving it and we’re both mad paranoid people & we need someone to physically be there to feel reassured;on the surface and in actuality in some ways the dynamic was ideal- (regardless tho having someone be your primary safety is hardly fail-safe ).
Both of us are insomniacs & deal w night terrors; but from v. early on we figured out how to handle these things in each other to the point that both of us stopped our respective nighttime vices & could sleep naturally; in the case of night terrors the other person would soothe them back. His overwhelming need to protect found a match with my overwhelming longing for safety even before we knew a ton about one another&the respective back stories. Because of Chantel Miller’s assault case that had gone viral(re:the SU Swimmer case) years before, J was convince su at night was dangerous & always picked me up+ put pepper spray canister in my bag literally a week after we first met. When he learned my history/some of the traumas (mainly nyc r**** & parts i shared re:tr********* abroad) etc he was especially ode about my overall safety. (Tbf he has seen a lot in his life but he mistook my taking risks at times as being completely oblivious when most of the times it was because I had assessed the situation and compared to other experiences and I knew I could handle it; ofc for some of the episodic instances it was way more precarious of a situation. )When it was clear that it wasn’t just some over controlling maneuver, it was just easier to try and listen to him about which areas and times to avoid tbh& spared the details of my ~pickups~. He didn’t need protection in the same way; besides the support/‘protection’ for LA/industry stuff, he needed emotional support/validation, reassurance, and to be nurtured & encouraged.
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