#it IS about religious trauma because i have religious trauma and because i said so | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

space-apples · 10 months

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saying this on here because the azi hate is seriously (not a big deal, im a theatre kid and im being dramatic) driving me insane.

buckle up because i have fucking things to say <3.

good omens 2 spoilers ahead, obviously/lh

i hate the coffee theory. and before you click away, please read my post <33

i like the lie theory better, but i enjoy the integrity (for lack of a better word) of it being about religious trauma and how that affects different people.

azi is so religiously brainwashed that he still believes heaven can be good. he is an angel, he is good. but since he got kicked out, that meant he wasn’t good enough. as much as crowley sees and recognizes the things azi does, azi does the same for crowley. he sees and recognizes how good crowley is. he is so incredibly good that— in azi’s mind— it doesn’t make sense that he’s a demon.

additionally, he also sees that crowley is lonely. and azi is also lonely. and the whole point is that theyre lonely together. but if they both become angels, then they don’t have to be lonely, and they can be together.

we also know that azi knew crowley before he fell. he saw what could happen to him if he did something wrong. it’s why he is so worried about whether or not he’s doing good.

overtime, ofc, we see him growing into himself a little bit more because he’s no longer surrounded by heaven officials. but then a very powerful one— his boss’s boss— came up to him and said that he was the best. angel. for. the. job.

that he couldn’t think of a better angel than aziraphale. and he just wants to be good so badly. he wants to be with crowley so badly. and with this, he can have both.

i totally see it from crowley’s pov too— he’s been building up a relationship with the closest person he’s ever had. they were on the same side because they didn’t have a choice to do otherwise. and then azi actively chooses the very thing that was making both of them suffer and feel like they can never do anything right ever. like i definitely see why and see how crowley is upset. it’s justifiable. /gen

i dont think either of them are at fault here except for heaven and hell. i think all of this comes down to communication. and though i think azi should do the “you were right” song, i don’t inherently think that this is something he is at fault.

aziraphale is still operating in the good vs bad system, he hasn’t fully deprogramed his indoctrination. he’s trying to convince himself that he’s right. if the institution you were in your entire life ended up being bad for you, of course you wouldn’t believe it at first. azi is actively choosing between what he wants to do, and what he has to do. and since he is so fucking afraid of heaven and consequences of defying that, he would say yes.

he’s searching and hoping for validation— and his boss’s boss came up to him and it not only gave him that toxic validation, but it put him back into that “oh i can be / do good.”

but to crowley, aziraphale was saying, “i want to make you good enough for heaven.” and aziraphale was trying to say, “i want to make heaven good enough for you. i want to make myself good enough for you.”

and people are comparing azi to gabriel because ineffable bureaucracy (i just spent a very long time trying to spell that LMAO) happened in like a week, and it took our aziraphale more than 6000 years. to that, i am here to remind people that gabriel was probably contributing to the fears that aziraphale had, and he didn’t ever experience that type of trauma because the only people that were above him was the metatron and fucking god.

plus, this type of institution affects people variously and not every person reacts or behaves the same :):)

this whole thing is just how religious trauma affects people differently :):):):)

another reason why i hate the coffee theory is just because it undermines aziraphale’s intensely complex character. the end lol. i hope you have a great day <33

#if you disagree with me that’s fine (i am stubborn so i’m right #spaceapples rambles #good omens spoilers #good omens #good omens 2 #go2 spoilers #aziraphale #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #ineffable bureaucracy #crowley #it IS about religious trauma because i have religious trauma and because i said so

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strwbrymlkshake · 5 months

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who up praying for downfalls 🤨

#mine #yandere #yancore #yandere vent #oh my god have i got some things to say. ooohhuuoouugh buddy #its not even my own situation this isnt even related to me. but im being a nice upstanding young man and venting abt it instead of invoking #the curse of ra. wishing someone dies is such a good coping mechanism fr because instead of thinking about it forever i can move on with #my life. and its great! but oouuuh theres something wrong with that huh. and oh my god. this issue is so fucked but i cant explain it in #a heartfelt and meaningful way. so imagine someone is religiously devoted to a guy and their mental anguish stems from jealousy or fear #of abandonment. and they are internally tormented about that forever. and just because they dont fit your definition of whats right #youre all like Hey you know that guy that means everything to them. how about we take him for ourselves solely bc this person #this suffering person whose life depends on him- who acts like that BECAUSE they are suffering- you think they deserved to be punished for #their traumas? their guilt and pain and anguish? you are no better than whatever you think they are.#i dont think this even makes sense cause im vague on purpose. this sounds like a situation from the bible i think #idk i didnt read it. anyways im skipping and frolicking in my cradle of hatred that fills me with warmth and delight #its not required that people are nice or respectful when their lives have been wretched thanks to people like YOU #but i hope their devotion never wavers due to people who hate their happiness. its not like those people matter anyway #if youre meant to be with your Guy and you love him enough then nothing else matters at that point. its all a test #die a martyr for your own romantic ideologies or whatever satou matsuzaka said #this is literally the equivalent of like. a mother cat adopts a kitten that isnt hers bc her own kin are all dead. she protects this kitten #with her entire life. and her whole being. and hisses growls bites at anyone that comes close to it. and some human teens are like #we should take that kitten solely because the mother cat loves it so much that shes willing to get violent for it.#because its not very niceys of her to harass those who want to take away the only thing she has left! oh noes!!#like shut the fuck up dawg. if that cat mauls someone for getting too close to her baby then mind your own goddamn business #clearly they did not grow up italian 💀#clearly they did not grow up with nothing being their own. nothing being sacred. no desire to protect anything #anyways yanderes i love you. you are fr so easy to be around and you should never change for anyone. i mean maybe take some therapist #advice here and there in case your devotion makes you suffer but OTHERWISE!!! dont feel bad about being a hater!!! protect what is yours #and i will respect it so hard i swear to god. its not that difficult to treat your devotion with the kindness it deserves.#if a disrespectful teen tries to steal your kitten then ill help you beat them to death with a shovel idc

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atlantis-just-drowned · 6 months

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Montressor smash or pass? (This is 100% a serious question 😌👌)

The only thing that would smash between him and me is my hand on his face, full speed, with pointy rings.

#montresor hate crime please #but as a character he do have a very good reason to be here #like he has an important purpose in the story #and there's details that i like to interpret about him #especially the fact that he would wear a small Christian cross when he was alive #despite having a terrible opinion of religion #i like to read it as a 'sins will be forgiven more easily if they're committed by a believer' kind of mindset #like he's hiding behind this to do everything he wants and be a terrible person #also recent episode has shown he seemed to have religious traumas so maybe he became an asshole because #he was labeled as Evil™️ and decided that since he was considered bad #he would at least make sure to be the best at being bad #man really said 'oh you wanna call me a devil? alright then i'll be your devil.'#so: well developed character very good i like that #but i still hate him as a human being #whispers from atlantis #montresor nevermore #answered

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lith-myathar · 23 days

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#i joke about it and all but like. i cannot emphasize enough what an impact it had on me to be uhhhhhb #micro-institutionalized in the way that i was for the first 14 years if my life #and i am honestly going to count the time i soent in ''elementary'' school bc it wasn't a normal school. it was a charter school #that began as a parent organized alternative and swiftly devolved into an authoritarian nightmare #a bunch of people who were simply not ready to educate children let alone ''problem'' children #of which there were MANY because that school got all the kids who had been turned out of public school for behavioral issues #there were hardline rules about literally everything. normal childhood behavior was pathologized and punished and as a kid #you had no way to understand WHY #and so many of your peers were having problems because ofc those ''problem'' kids were typically severely traumatized #or were actively being abused #so even if it wasn't happening TO you you were being exposed to it in a hundred little ways every day #so i was confused and miserable all the time AND was struggling academically bc i had undiagnosed adhd #(or possibly just trauma?? i honestly neither know nor care which came first at this point)#so my mom pulled me and my brother out. him at 11 and me at 6 and said ''i'll just do it myself'' and #raised us in a way that wasn't religious but resembled evangelical or lds stuff #i couldn't watch commercial tv or listen to popular music bc my parents didn't want me exposed to what they considered inappropriate #and while i still had extracurriculars i was always the odd one out bc i had no exposure to pop culture or normal socialization #for my age group #it resulted in me always feeling alone and like i didn't belong. and since most of my social life was my parents and their friends #that was the perfect soup for adultification #i was fine with adults. put me with my peers and i was a mess #it made the transition to high school incredibly difficult but i DID make it #but that was only 4 years still in an institution. everything began to unravel once i tried to move into anything resembling ''real life''#and then my dad's suicide which was a major trauma in early adulthood which only made my mom's grip on us tighten #i did get to START life until 26. not really. and it's just been a game of catch up for the last 5 years #and im so *angry* at the unfairness of it all. at the time and experience and milestones that were taken from me. at how i blamed myself #for it for so many years and the problems i developed because of it all. dissociation and substance abuse and suicidality #the fear that still has a death grip on me #the courage required to just exist #it's *exhausting*

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very-uncorrect · 5 months

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Being told by adults to stop lying about something when telling the truth as a kid is one of the worst feelings ever

#it happened a few times with teachers at my primary school #i still remember the frustration and sadness i felt #because you're this little like 7 year old #and you feel powerless and embarrassed #ugh #primary school was a weird time for me #thanks catholic primary school you're one of the reasons I'm an atheist now #one time a kid lied saying i scribbled on a page of a bible #and because i was this scared and confused little kid i lied and said i did #and the teacher dragged me to the assistant headteacher's room #and ignored me when i tried to tell the truth #the assistant headteacher made me sit in the room with a rubber (eraser) and told me to remove the scribble from the page #i sat there for minutes trying to rub it away and started crying because it wouldn't disappear #she told me to just keep going #i don't remember what happened after #but i thought about it years later and realised that the scribble was probably in pen which was why ut didn't come off #so yeah maybe i do have minor religious trauma actually #i remember at one point and got sat down by some teachers and told that i should just tell the truth and not lie about being guilty #(i still don't know why i lied about that)#i can't remember if that was connected to this incident thought #but yeah that was fucking horrible i still remember how hysterical i felt when the scribble wouldn't disappear #after rubbing the paper with the eraser desperately for whst felt like ages

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chamerionwrites · 2 years

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Most of the time I am probably too accommodating and hate conflict to a fault but occasionally the Zero Fucks Left version of me emerges, and I'm fairly sure 99% of people who have witnessed it find it Jekyll-and-Hyde unsettling.

Which is almost certainly a character flaw on my part! But I don't entirely know what to do about it, because I'm pretty sure it's the "too accommodating" part that's the character flaw and while I've been working on that half my life, and honestly gotten much better at it, that isn't the half of the equation that people are freaked out by.

#i try to be reasonable and restrained even when i'm out o patience so it's not like i suddenly turn into an aggressive shouty asshole #people just seem to feel blindsided by what from their perspective is an abrupt and extreme shift #from 'chill to the point of being a pushover about a lot of things' to 'utterly unyielding about select things'#which i do get but idk i still just find a lot of the things people get irritable about too petty to waste my energy on #i also think that occasionally someone deserves to be told politely but firmly that they're being a dick and should knock it off #I don't see how these things are mutually incompatible!#anyway this post brought to you by the Heated Conversation after my mother asked why i hadn't been to church since i moved #and i said 'because life is too short to spend every sunday with the worst people i know' which was admittedly v blunt #but also (1) not untrue (2) probably more lowkey than 'let's hash out all my religious trauma at 7pm on a monday night'#i thought my tone was calm and matter of fact and regretful even! but apparently that's a v hateful thing to say #idk what to tell you it's a small town and the people in church on sunday literally are the worst people i know here #sure it's not very nice but i didn't say it TO them or even anyone who knows them and i'm perfectly capable of being polite in passing #i just don't want to hang around listening to them sing worship songs and then get invited to sunday lunch gossip sessions yknow?#sometimes i don't have the energy to be diplomatic man. and imo the scandalized response has less to do w the actual content of what i said #than the fact that normally i probably would have said it less bluntly #the real problem here is that if you ask loaded questions sometimes you may get answers that you dislike #walking away from omelas #my posts

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vampyre-kin · 11 months

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I low key kind of wish I'd been raised more religiously? Like I have such a weird fucking relationship with Christianity but at the same time I only have comparatively mild religious trauma, I only consistently went to church for about two years and the most my mom ever asked me to do was pray during hard time. I guess I just wish I had something more significant to connect all these feelings to. This weird guilt, the even weirder yearning to be more involved. Idk. It's all just weird and I don't like it.

#tw: mini trauma dumping in the tags after the basics ->#religious trauma #religion #christianity #the only real religious related trauma i have revolves around my queerness #in 4th grade a boy outed me as bi by reading a page of my diary to the whole class #i got beat up and called slurs regularly‚ they said id burn in hell and spread disgusting rumors about me #youd never believe the cruelty a flock homophobic of 10 year olds are capable of #and when i was 12 i went to church and one day i asked the pastors wife a simple question #“if god is all forgiving then why dont gay people go to heaven?”#“because god may forgive you but he will never accept you.” was her response #i know there are good christians and good churches who truly believe in loving thy neighbor and acting in kindness #but they seem so horribly rare

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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year

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I just realized something really sad

I have two best friends outside of tumblr (my only irls that aren't roommates basically) and one of them I try to talk to constantly but she doesn't always respond, in fact she kind of barely does. I want to talk to her all the time but I always feel like I'm boring her or like she doesn't understand why I can't do some of the things I can't do.

The other one is always trying to talk to me, usually trying to call me. But I rarely ever pick up or respond or text first. My relationship with her is really complicated because some of my alters are very hurt from some things she did a while ago, others just don't trust her, and then the ones that front when we talk love her.

I have so many mixed feelings and the switches triggered by that mean I always don't answer or forget because I have dissociative amnesia about her trying to contact me in the first place... I don't know, I don't want to make excuses for myself but I genuinely don't know if this is a valid reason for treating her the way I do or if I'm an awful friend. Of course, it could also be both. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel neglected by me like I sometimes do with my other friend.

#for some context about what the things that hurt these alters were ill elaborate here in the tags #so me and friend 2 have been friends for a very long time. since i was about 13-14 and were both adults now #i was raised Christian and it deeply traumatized me. i didnt deconvert until i was about 17 and even then was back and forth #i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized #but i really really was. and if youve seen some of my posts about my religious trauma youll know why #when i was 18 i had just moved out of my moms house and was basically crashing on a friends couch/floor #i was extremely stressed and vulnerable at the time #and during that time my friend tried to reconvert me #i dont remember exactly what she said but it devolved into arguing and i had a panic attack over it at least once #we didnt talk for a while #shes also stated pretty directly before that she believes being transgender (which i am) is wrong #i let it slide because she apologized and stopped pushing the matter #she almost never brings it up anymore #and parts of me forgive her but other parts don't #i feel like i should also talk about the ways that shes a good friend because this is gonna make it seem really one sided otherwise #so for one shes been with me through the hardest years of my life #talking me down from taking my life late into the nights... being there when no one else was... reminding me that im worth something #shes been patient and kind and supportive all this time #she was also the person who eventually got me to realize that my parents and even my siblings were abusive and neglectful #which was a very big deal for me #i wouldnt have lived this long without her suppory #even now she checks in on me #making sure im not suicidal and reminding me that shes here for me #always reaching out if i havent responded in a while just to make sure im okay #she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before #so she helps me feel less alone #but now i dont ever feel close to her #and i dont know if i ever will again #i feel cruel for not telling her the truth if i haven't forgiven her yet but I don't think itd do any good for her to know

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harrows-bones · 2 years

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my friend is a witch who works with the same goddess I do and she is also a medium who is just very attuned to energies and feelings and she held my hand for a moment during a ritual after I mentioned how Hekate coming into my life has changed things for the better and she got a sudden intense feeling after I talked about that and just said “oh, Hekate really chose you” so now i’m crying throwing up thanks

#hekate #witchcraft #i would be drowning in the trauma of decontructing catholicism right now if not for witchcraft and hekate #and i mean that entirely #parts of deconstructing that last year would’ve had me having panic attacks at night feel so much more manageable now #and whenever i need that guidance or - as hekate usually does - kick in the ass to remind me that i am beyond this now and i belong tomyself #hekate is Always there #things are terrifying with my family right now because of my witchcraft #but i’ve only had two (2) breakdowns about it instead of being in a constant state of panic #so tldr healing from religious trauma is a Lot but hekate and witchcraft have my back and pick me back up and. maybe it’ll be okay #and i’m going to be thinking about what my friend said maybe for the rest of forever

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neverendingford · 2 months

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#tag talk #I like my therapist a lot. had another appointment and she's way more thorough about the initial screenings and my last therapist wasn't.#anyway today was a questionnaire about trauma and so I sat on my bed huddled in blankets and she was like heyy you gonna be okay?#largely not okay because Easter was yesterday so you know.. religious christian holidays be that way.#but I didn't cry during the session at all and she was cool and said some good things that I have now forgotten of course.#still didn't tell her about boofing everclear and fucking up my gi tract for a week or so (idk how long it's been)#but she was like “you don't have to tell me. I already get that you do risky behavior” cause I told her about my grindr escapades already.#her earnestness does make me want to get better.#often when people are obnoxious about my issues I just double down as a “fuck you” to them. so I'm glad we've got a good rapport instead.#I didn't get a chance to talk about plurality but it's fine cause I don't think it's they big of a deal. just another coping skill I have.#she did specifically recognize and congratulate me on the fact that I've deliberately worked on coping skills which felt really good.#like. I used to not be able to fall asleep so I practiced it and now I can. I used to startle really easily but I practiced and now I don't.#I have done deliberate effort to overcome my issues and usurp!#*usually people don't notice because they just see the successful outcome.#so it's nice for someone to recognize the work I've put into overcoming my trauma responses even as a kid

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thats-a-lot-of-cortisol · 2 months

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2 & 3 from section 1 for peri and 7 from whichever section has a more interesting #7 for diodore -moss

oooh these are fun ones!

2. Describe their tent set-up (outside and inside) (Peri)

I think Peri's tent is constructed similarly to Gale and Astarion's (boxy, fabric walls, little covered area outside). Deep blue fabric w/ golden astronomical embroidery, mostly the sort of thing you see on star maps. Little golden tassles around the edges of the tarp (?) and the doorframe. He'd have a small, circular, dark wood side table short enough that you can use it sitting on the ground, and a dark blue pillow next to it; there would be some parchment and a bronze miniature astrolabe on the table. The inside would be just. full to the brim with the gaudiest night-sky-themed pillows you've ever seen. No bedroll, no palette, just a nest that would put those cube pits in trampoline parks to shame. There would be two bird perches for his familiar Medani: one taller one next to his tent and one shorter one under the overhang. The shorter one would have a crow-sized bow-tie hanging from it. Rugs on rugs on the outside area ofc. 3. What would their character quest be titled? Why? (Peri)

This is a hard one! His tav ending involves taking over the Waterdeep arm of the Harpers, so I think his arc would have something to do with that. He'd be pretty bitter about being dropped into another near-apocalyptic mess when dealing with the last one a few years prior was supposed to be a one-time thing. Something-something ptsd in a world that doesn't have the words for that yet, something-something 'once a hero always a hero', something-something the weight of responsibility...he's a planeswalker so I think part of it would be whether he decides to stay on Toril long-term and directly help rebuild the Waterdeep Harpers or if he continues to run travel around afterwards, so maybe The Far Traveller/The Far Walker?

Harpson/Fae-son are also potential options. "Fae-son" nods to him being a changeling without it being super obvious (like Astarion's "The Pale Elf"). It would also mimic his backstory reveals from RoT ("oh he's not 'from here' so, like, the Feywild" -> "OH he's not from here"). 7. Describe their arc. How would a player help resolve it? What choices can be made? Can your Tav be turned down a dark path, or pulled to a lighter one? (Diodore)

Buckle up because we're in for a long one here. I've thought about Dora's story arc a lot because she's the first of my tavs that I truly made for the game while having full control over her backstory, etc. (versus Corentin, who had their arc baked into the story as a durge). Dora's a paladin of Corellon (oath of ancients) and her story arc as a companion would have to do with whether or not she should accept capital-r-Redemption, the process by which a drow can be truly "freed" from Lolth and rejoin the ranks of the rest of elven society. It involves all of the Redeemed drow's memories being erased and them being reincarnated as a surface elf. The implication seems to be that without that, regardless of a drow's actions, they'd be thrown back to Lolth when they die? Or at least that their eternal fate is unknown (which is the way I prefer to think of it for. personal reasons). Under normal circumstances, Dora would be a long way from Redemption being presented to her at all (she's not even 200 yet and has only been on the surface for a couple decades), but like with the other gods' Chosen among the companions, near-apocalyptic circumstances tend to speed up those sorts of things.

Of course, you'd have the themes of faith & relationship with deity when they're all unequivocally real and are also mostly all assholes; maintaining or breaking generational cycles; facing the unknown; morality when none of your choices are "good" (and how that interacts with morality vs self preservation); power vs freedom; identity outside of the people who made you; etc. The choice would first be presented to her sometime in late Act I/early Act II, likely the first long rest after the group resurfaces from the Underdark and you've probably gotten some of her backstory already. I have no idea how Larian would have characterized Corellon, but he's considered one of the more benevolent/open-minded deities iirc, which could be interesting to see contrasted with Mystra, Vlaa'kith, and Shar. How much that open-mindedness would extend to a drow, even one who has been a faithful follower even before she escaped to the Surface (and who inherited that faith from her father), is unclear. At the beginning of the game she would be leaning towards accepting Redemption, despite her own misgivings about whether or not she would still be her in that case.

Her final decision (at the ending pier scene) would depend on the relationship she has with the PC and the other companions. Her best ending, imo, would be her not accepting Redemption but continuing to be a force for good. If she has a good relationship with the PC, she would have something to lose. I think seeing the House of Mourning would affect her too. After all, the thing Corellon is offering to her as a way to find peace is the same thing the Sharrans are using as a way to manipulate and control others.

She's viscerally aware of how she was socialized and very actively chooses "good", so pushing her towards a darker path would be incredibly difficult but not impossible. If you side with the goblins she'll leave immediately, and turn on you if she's in your party when you attack the grove. But if you decide to try and control the cult in Act II, depending on your over-all actions before then and how you've interacted with her, you could disillusion her to the point of convincing her to break her oath. That path would entail convincing her that controlling the cult is actually the best idea. I'm sure there would be other times that her oath could break that wouldn't necessarily lock her into an "evil" path, especially with how Oathbreakers are handled in the game. Knocking out Minthara instead of killing her outright and letting Auntie Ethel go in Act I instead of killing her are two things that come to mind.

If she doesn't choose Redemption she would be at the epilogue party, of course. I'm a bit undecided on what would happen if she does choose Redemption. She may not be there at all, w/ Jaheira, Halsin, Minthara, and/or Astarion mentioning running into her in her new, reincarnated state. Or she would be there, confused, and mention how the PC seems familiar in a way she can't quite place. In that case, she would ask them how they know each other and mention something about feeling a twinge of grief looking at everyone, but that she doesn't know why she feels that way. It would be up to the PC how much they tell her (if they tell her anything at all).

#ty for the ask mossy!!#and sorry for the wait lol a couple of these stumped me for a minute #thinking about peri & jaheira as narrative parallels...#b/c i want to be clear here. peri was and is *not* looking for more responsibility re: harpers #he was perfectly happy doing security systems. him not seeking power was an active character choice i made for him b/c he's a wizard #but in the Faerun In My Head (tm) the Waterdeep Harpers also get decimated by the Absolute b/c why would they not? theyd be a major threat #especially b/c their high harper was the catalyst for forming the lord's alliance and. like. you think they're *not* reconvening?#for Weird Cult Two: 2 Cult 2 Furious??#gortash would take remallia OUT if at all possible #and also I like torturing my characters #and i think the whole 'weight of duty'/hero's curse (once you get drawn into one situation you can't ignore the others/they come to you)#thing is interesting for peri in particular. the man just wants to live a quiet life and he will! for the most part.#just now with thousands of lives in his hands b/c he's helped stop 2 apocalypses and is irrevocably tied to the fate of the Coast now #his conscious wouldn't let him just leave the Harpers or Waterdeep to rot. and that seems to be similar to the situation jaheira's in #generational cycles the cruel march of time history repeats itself etc etc #that's also why i think he would get Weave'd and have an unusually long lifespan. he wanted to rest and the universe said “no <3”#i think about dora's story a lot also because the whole 'you can be redeemed (from something you were born with)#but only by removing integral parts of yourself' thing hits *right* in the religious trauma #you cant tell me there wouldn't be *some* part of a Redeemed Drow's soul that remembers the people from before they were changed #unless they just. get a new soul in which case it literally isn't them anymore.#doras first real & healthy relationships happen in-game #thats part of why she's drawn to astarion. his bullshit is predictable to her and therefore feels safer.#definitely safer than whatever is going on with the others #(also why she trusts karlach so quickly: she's straightforward and blunt & doesn't really hide things?#and was also the only one to warn her against astarion. dora'd literally never had someone like that in her life before so it stuck)#and she'd feel a bit uncomfortable w/ the concept of Redemption at first but who is she to argue with a god?#esp one who seems kinder than many of the others #but as the story progresses she realizes that she *can* trust these people and that they trust her #and she sees how Gale and Shadowheart and Lae'zel are struggling w/ their deities #and not only does she have something to lose now but she's seeing more of how the gods work generally

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inhonoredglory · 10 months

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Aziraphale’s Choice, the Job Connection, and Michael Sheen’s Morality

Update: Michael Sheen liked this post on Twitter, so I'm fairly certain there is a lot of validity to it.

I’ve had time to process Aziraphale’s choice at the end of Season 2. And I think only blaming the religious trauma misses something important in Aziraphale’s character. I think what happened was also Aziraphale’s own conscious choice––as a growth from his trauma, in fact. Hear me out.

Since November 2022 I’ve been haunted by something Michael Sheen said at the MCM London Comic Con. At the Q&A, someone asked him about which fantasy creature he enjoyed playing most and Michael (bless him, truly) veered on a tangent about angels and goodness and how, specifically,

We as a society tend to sort of undervalue goodness. It’s sort of seen as sort of somehow weak and a bit nimby and “oh it’s nice.” And I think to be good takes enormous reserves of courage and stamina. I mean, you have to look the dark in the face to be truly good and to be truly of the light…. The idea that goodness is somehow lesser and less interesting and not as kind of muscular and as passionate and as fierce as evil somehow and darkness, I think is nonsense. The idea of being able to portray an angel, a being of love. I love seeing the things people have put online about angels being ferocious creatures, and I love that. I think that’s a really good representation of what goodness can be, what it should be, I suppose.

I was looking forward to BAMF!Aziraphale all season long, and I think that’s what we got in the end. Remember Neil said that the Job minisode was important for Aziraphale’s story. Remember how Aziraphale sat on that rock and reconciled to himself that he MUST go to Hell, because he lied and thwarted the will of God. He believed that––truly, honestly, with the faith of a child, but the bravery of a soldier.

Aziraphale, a being of love with more goodness than all of Heaven combined, believed he needed to walk through the Gates of Hell because it was the Right Thing to do. (Like Job, he didn’t understand his sin but believed he needed to sacrifice his happiness to do the Right Thing.)

That’s why we saw Aziraphale as a soldier this season: the bookshop battle, the halo. But yes, the ending as well.

Because Aziraphale never wanted to go to Heaven, and he never wanted to go there without Crowley.

But it was Crowley who taught him that he could, even SHOULD, act when his moral heart told him something was wrong. While Crowley was willing to run away and let the world burn, it was Aziraphale (in that bandstand at the end of the world) who stood his ground and said No. We can make a difference. We can save everyone.

And Aziraphale knew he could not give up the ace up his sleeve (his position as an angel) to talk to God and make them see the truth in his heart.

I was messed up by Ineffable Bureaucracy (Boxfly) getting their happy ending when our Ineffable Husbands didn’t, but I see now that them running away served to prove something to Aziraphale. (And I am fully convinced that Gabriel and Beelzebub saw the example of the Ineffables at the Not-pocalypse and took inspiration from them for choosing to ditch their respective sides)

But my point is that Aziraphale saw them, and in some ways, they looked like him and Crowley. And he saw how Gabriel, the biggest bully in Heaven, was also like him in a way (a being capable of love) and also just a child when he wasn’t influenced by the poison of Heaven. Muriel, too, wasn’t a bad person. The Metatron also seemed to have grown more flexible with his morality (from Aziraphale's perspective). Like Earth, Heaven was shades of (light?) gray.

Aziraphale is too good an angel not to believe in hope. Or forgiveness (something he’s very good at it).

Aziraphale has been scarred by Heaven all his life. But with the cracks in Heaven’s armor (cracks he and Crowley helped create), Aziraphale is seeing something else. A chance to change them. They did terrible things to him, but he is better than them, and because of Crowley, he feels ready to face them.

(Will it work? Can Heaven change, institutionally? Probably not, but I can't blame Aziraphale for trying.)

At the cafe, the Metatron said something big was coming in the Great Plan. Aziraphale knows how trapped he had felt when he didn’t have God’s ear the first time something huge happened in the Big Plan. He can’t take a chance again to risk the world by not having a foot in the door of Heaven. That’s why we saw individual human deaths (or the threat of death) so much more this season: Elspeth, Wee Morag, Job’s children, the 1940s magician. Aziraphale almost killed a child when he couldn’t get through to God, and he’s not going through that again.

“We could make a difference.” We could save everyone.

Remember what Michael Sheen said about courage and doing good––and having to “look the dark in the face to be truly good.” That’s what happened when Aziraphale was willing to go to Hell for his actions. That’s what happened when he decided he had to go to Heaven, where he had been abused and belittled and made to feel small. He decided to willingly go into the Lion’s Den, to face his abusers and his anxiety, to make them better so that they would not try to destroy the world again.

Him, just one angel. He needed Crowley to be there with him, to help him be brave, to ask the questions that Heaven needed to hear, to tell them God was wrong. Crowley is the inspiration that drives Aziraphale’s change, Crowley is the engine that fuels Aziraphale’s courage.

But then Crowley tells him that going to Heaven is stupid. That they don’t need Heaven. And he’s right. Aziraphale knows he’s right.

Aziraphale doesn’t need Heaven; Heaven needs him. They just don’t know how much they need him, or how much humanity needs him there, too. (If everyone who ran for office was corrupt, how can the system change?)

Terry Pratchett (in the Discworld book, Small Gods) is scathing of God, organized religion, and the corrupt people religion empowers, but he is sympathetic to the individual who has real, pure faith and a good heart. In fact, the everyman protagonist of Small Gods is a better person than the god he serves, and in the end, he ends up changing the church to be better, more open-minded, and more humanist than god could ever do alone.

Aziraphale is willing to go to the darkest places to do the Right Thing, and Heaven is no exception. When Crowley says that Heaven is toxic, that’s exactly why Aziraphale knows he needs to go there. “You’re exactly is different from my exactly.”

____

In the aftermath of Trump's election in the US, Brexit happened in 2018. Michael Sheen felt compelled to figure out what was going on in his country after this shock. But he was living in Los Angeles with Sarah Silverman at the time, and she also wanted to become more politically active in the US.

Sheen: “I felt a responsibility to do something, but it [meant] coming back [to Britain] – which was difficult for us, because we were very important to each other. But we both acknowledge that each of us had to do what we needed to do.” In the end, they split up and Michael moved back to the UK.

Sometimes doing the Right Thing means sacrificing your own happiness. Sometimes it means going to Hell. Sometimes it means going to Heaven. Sometimes it means losing a relationship.

And that’s why what happened in the end was so difficult for Aziraphale. Because he loves Crowley desperately. He wants to be together. He wanted that kiss for thousands of years. He knows that taking command of Heaven means they would never again have to bow to the demands of a God they couldn’t understand, or run from a Hell who still came after them. They could change the rules of the game.

And he’s still going to do that. But it hurts him that he has to do that alone.

#good omens #good omens 2 #ineffable husbands #it's kinda like capt america: civil war #with Azi as Tony Stark: traumatized and trying to do the right thing #and Crowley being Steve Rogers: fuck the establishment let's go rogue #gos2spoilers #good omens meta #good omens 2 meta #go s2 #michael sheen #go s2 meta #go meta #*mine #*mymeta #ineffables husbands #ineffable soulmates #*mybest

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edscuntyeyeshadow · 8 months

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I saw a comment somewhere that basically said aziraphale and crowley are like two different reactions you can have to religious trauma.

so crowley is the self proclaimed “sinner”, has accepted that he’s “going to hell”, and hates the church/cult he left. for him going back means going back to that box of repression.

but aziraphale’s trauma seems to be much harder for people to understand, he’s the person who was slowly cast out because of the cracks showing in their facade, they want to be loved by the church/cult still. they crave belonging and want to be welcomed back.

I’m definitely more of a crowley but I like to talk more about aziraphale because I also relate to him in certain ways, plus people misunderstand him a lot.

#good omens #ineffable husbands #aziraphale #religious trauma #good omens 2 #ex evangelical #ex religious #crowley #🐦‍⬛

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hup123hup123slapslap · 4 months

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So a thought has been kicking around my head for a bit...what if Helio knew exactly what he was signing up for by making Kristen his chosen one?

It has always struck me as odd that when describing Doreen in Helioic heaven, Brennan mentioned her flirting with men and women. It also strikes me as odd that Kristen never got any pushback from Helio about turning her back on him. Even if he was similarly 'out of the picture' like sol was while Arthur was wrecking havoc, Kristen's powers should have faded when she fully committed to not worshipping him. You need to worship a god to get powers, and this is emphasized heavily in the latest episode. Kristen worshipping the vague idea of religion but Definitely Not Helio just doesn't cut it. Sure, taking away a PCs powers wasn't really in the cards in season one, but Brennan works very well and very caringly with what he has to establish as canon.

Kristen was looking for a reason to drop Helio from the get-go. His frat boy appearance and non-answer to a nearly impossible question didn't truly matter at the core of her feelings. She wanted an out from the prison she was trapped in with the Helioic faith, even if she didn't realize it fully. She had tension with her mom and her ideals from the scene one! She wanted to connect with people the church actively shunned. Helio was never the true problem.

Now, gods are shaped by their worshippers. So on some level Helio is shaped by people with shitty ideals. But there's still a foothold of good, especially if there are out and proud gays in heaven. Especially if Kristen Applebees of all people is the chosen one.

When you have worshippers misinterpreting your whole deal, going with Sol's shitty messaging and transferring it onto you and using it for bad things, what can you do as a god? Because you ARE what they say you are. So how can you fight back?

Well. You make your chosen one someone that embodies your true heart. Someone that can actually turn the tides of your worship.

There is an emphasis on tracker reinventing and revitalizing her religion. Changing it for the better. Taking the old and not tossing it out, but making it better.

Isn't that what Kristen struggles with the most? That's what she needs to learn how to do.

Tracker also established that she can worship multiple gods when she helped with Yes?. Kristen doesn't need to settle for one even if she (fingers crossed) brings Kassandra back.

Because the season opened with the slow apocalypse of endless night. Endless daytime would end similarly. There has to be a balance. They are two sides of the same coin. Day and night. The surety of the sun and the doubt of the shadows.

Kristen wants both. And she can fucking have it if she decides to.

Ally once said they appreciate that the enemy is always the church. Organized religion. Kristen is perfect for disorganized religion though. Chill frat boy vibes and anxious doubts and the ultimate message of 'just do your best'.

I think religious trauma is a compelling, close to the heart topic for a lot of people. And some turn away from religion entirely and wash their hands of it. But some people don't. Kristen is a cleric. She can't. She wants a god, she wants answers, and she just can't find them in the established community she was raised in. That doesn't mean the core of her religion was wrong. The church was. So you take the religion and you harness it in a way that means something to you.

Maybe Kristen being desperate enough to invite Helio back into her life is what this has all been leading to.

She can remake a god. She's done it before. Because Kassandra was good at the core. Maybe Helio can be too.

#dimension 20 #kristen applebees #junior year #fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #i come from a religious upbringing and am very much not religious as a result #but dang people from a traumatic religious upbringing that maintain belief in the god but not the toxic teachings are very cool and valid

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weirdly-specific-but-ok · 4 months

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pt XVI good omens season 2 (still not traumatic) episode 3 EDINBURGH

HELLO IT'S ME IT'S THE OFFICIAL GOOD OMENS MASCOT WHY DO I STILL KEEP INTRODUCING MYSELF IDK. If you don't know who I am, thank God and Satan for their mercy and flee. Also, the day after I post this, I'll be watching the last three episodes on livestream for the first time so. You know. I'm hyped on the energy of this being my last day not enveloped in tears. Take the summary:

Before the episode starts, someone asks why Crowley said in the last episode that Aziraphale couldn't fall because look at him, all angelic when Crowley looked the same as starmaker. I reply that "Crowley thinks he deserved it, he sees Azi as something beautiful and untouched while he probably sees himself as idk marked in some way so god kicked him down."

I am told that I am learning too fast to weaponise the narrative to induce angst. So then I say oh, I go too fast for you. Tears ensue.

The episode begins! Everyone shrieks about Edinburgh, David Tennant, how it is their favourite episode, and SCOTTISH CROWLEY.

We open with lesbians being gay, and then Muriel enters as Inspector Constable! They are very sweet and very determined to do their job right, and they are adopted by Crowley and Aziraphale just like Jim.

Crowley sits on Aziraphale's chair's arm. The maggots all swoon.

Fine, I also swooned.

Aziraphale gaslight-gatekeep-girlboss-mansplain-manipulate-manwhores his way into getting Crowley to give him the Bentley keys (BOUNDARIES. BOUNDARIES.).

WHAT PLENTY OF USE DO BOTH OF YOU GET OUT OF THE BOOKSHOP?

The really ineffable plan is whatever the fuck was happening in Aziraphale's brain when he somehow went from London to Edinburgh via Loch Ness (check the map) and then proceeded to disguise himself as a detective who pretends to be a journalist.

Crowley slays in sleeve garters and a cardigan keeping house in the bookshop meanwhile, does not sell books, instead cleans with Jimbriel and periodically yeets book stacks into corners when distracted.

Aziraphale reads his old diary entries about Crowley, a (6000+) 13 year old with a crush.

MINISODE MINISODE. They are in Edinburgh during the mid 1800s. Victorian outfits, check. Scottish Crowley, check. Capitalist Karen Aziraphale, che-wait what.

Huh. Well. There's a wee bit of body snatchin' going on, to sell to doctors for medical research because there aren't enough murderers, and to make enough money to survive.

Aziraphale channels his inner capitalist judgemental Karen and ruins that plan, come on Aziraphale you have religious trauma but you're better than this, and long story short, Wee Morag dies after Aziraphale realises his error, her friend Elspeth has to sell her corpse for pennies, and is about to commit suicide with laudanum. Azi, oh god. I'm glad you underwent character development at least.

NOW CROWLEY HERE SLAYS. I KNOW THIS IS AZIRAPHALE'S PERSPECTIVE AND IS BIASED. BUT WITH THIS POV, CROWLEY SLAYS.

He calmly educates Aziraphale about how his whole "the poor have more opportunities and you shouldn't give them money or they'll lose the virtue of poverty" is absolute bullshit, and he does this understanding Aziraphale's situation and not losing his temper.

The framing. The framing of the shot when they see Wee Morag and Elspeth sitting down on a step and explaining their situation. Aziraphale stands above, bustling with righteousness, and judges them. Crowley sits down. He sits down next to them, rather than taking the high ground. He meets them where they are and empathises. It is the fact that he is fallen and damned that makes him behave really divine and sorry I wrote a whole hymn on him have it I'll stop rambling just know I love him.

I think his amusement is a facade so hell won't think he's genuinely being good. I think he's morally grey and incredibly brave and kind.

When Elspeth is bouta kill herself with the laudanum, Crowley grabs it and drinks it himself, and grows tiny and then huge, absolutely high off his head. David Tennant takes the opportunity to travel Scotland from east to west in terms of accent variety.

He gives us the good message of NO DYIN'. NO MORE DYIN'. IT'S NOT ON. And then forces Aziraphale (who doesn't want to ruin her virtuous poverty) to give the girl all the guineas he has in his pocket, and tells her to go off and start a farm or something. BUT NOT JUST PRETENDY GOOD, BE PROPERLY GOOD.

He then gets pulled into hell. To be punished for this. Aziraphale is frightened and heartbroken for him, looking around desperately, and we find out that Crowley didn't meet him for a while after. And later he wanted holy water. To protect himself? He got punished by hell. For how long? The whole month in between the incident and the diary entry? There can't be anyone better at punishment and cruelty than hell.

Sorry I'm just screaming here.

Never mind fuck I started this summary really happy and bouncy and listening to a dance playlist. Dionysus by BTS and Italian pop is still playing and now I'm crying.

Is this the natural progression. Fuck I'm crying. Sorry guys something else happens with Aziraphale politely talking to a phone and Crowley smiling really beautifully while unsuccessfully trying to manipulate two lesbians into a relationship and something about a visit I don't care everyone's being morally dubious as usual and then lovely Scottish music outro I CAN'T FUCKING ELABORATE I'M SITTING HERE CRYING OVER CROWLEY.

right summary done, time to go sob, lmao i thought i wouldn't cry today over good omens HAHAHAHA still not traumatic eh HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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neverendingford · 1 year

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#'the us isn't a Christian nation' yeah why the fuck is the fucking Walmart in my town closed for Easter #gods above I'm trying to not spew vitriol because I know hashtag notallchristians but also wow a lot of emotions are coming to the surface #and none of them are good.#in a very 'kill them all so they know the pain you've felt' mood. Easter and Christmas. fuck them both #I'm so tired of living in a country that has unseverable roots to dictatorial theocracy #every single time anyone said happy Easter to me today I wanted to fucking murder them #I don't have religious trauma you have religious trauma I don't know what you're talking about #tag talk

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