Becoming A Head Turner Personal Notes & Checklist
Being brutally honest with myself and intentions.
Read vintage beautician guides for home spa time. Liquid IV next time it goes on sale. Look up water hydrators.
Create a pdf folder of my makeup palettes, along with saved Pinterest photos of looks from each palette. Print & place in my Pretty Privilege binder!
Accentuate legs - legs measured to 4ft
Buy in sets when possible
Brainstorm what I learned from my bitch aunt.
Commit to my beliefs
Never be desperate for anyone
The more money they have, the more I can’t stand their attitude
Ice queens get respected more + beauty?? You stand out
Detail car, messy car a turn off 🤣 also have emergency travel sized neutral palette, primer, eyeliner, and neosporin in car, nothing I care about getting stolen or broken.
My Desired Visuals
Angelic cuteness, but as sweet as acid
Flowing locks
Fake bronzed legs and skin
Angel goddess: VS Angel, but soft feature with striking cheekbones and rounded body proportions
Intentions
Make myself say WOW and turn heads next!
Bread, head and leave!!
“No” is a foreign word to me
Watch dance videos on YouTube
Reddit
Read through r/men and related subreddits.
r/howtobehot research
r/drag
r/splendida
Food
Mediterranean Diet
Aesthetics to Research
“coconut girl” aesthetic
Latte makeup 🙄 rebranded neutral makeup
That girl
Whatever Colourpop comes up with
Glamour
Phone
Make ringtones of RuPaul’s Step It Up, various Britney Spears songs
Look at Confused Morning’s walks on xhs
Body
Stop by intl store for kojic acid soap - even toned everywhere!! 👍🏾 Ordered on eBay
Go to Target for melanin glow lotion
Try pedi soak I saw on Pinterest with original listerine
Hair
Yaki wig: press, watch body wave videos
Buy lace tint spray from hair store
Talk to hairdresser neighbor, possibly go to her salon
Cranial cap
Gloss my hair and units with Adore dye
Keratin treatment??
Cute hair accessories from AliExpress 👎🏾
Makeup
I can use AE makeup, but I need to prime, protect and base very well since I’m unsure of its origin. 👎🏾
Look for deal on lip liners
Hair store
AliExpress 👎🏾
Essence brand
Phoera
Lipliner and gloss, all the time!
Mom’s foundation shade is my concealer shade 🤣 add red color corrector for warmth
Nail lady also does lashes, lasts 2 weeks
Try cheek look from this picture 👎🏾 too gaunt for my face
Lip crayons
Find dehydrated lip tone in my color
Need shades of concealer that match different shades of face
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˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ Paranoid
Note: Sorry for taking so long to update this one. The angsty series continues with this one
Pairings: Mark x Reader
Warnings: HEAVY ANGST!!! mentions of suicide, mentions of depression and anxiety, drugs and medications, mentions of death.
Music: https://open.spotify.com/intl-pt/track/5hhxHo29bE78Y18gbhamlF?si=af661e1c52ca494e
˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
You entered inside your Massarati, locking the doors as you allowed your body to hit the comfort of the red leather. Your brain hammered inside your skull, the instant pulse making you regret every decision you had taken earlier that night. Pushing your thoughts aside, you sniffed your feelings away, starting the car.
The roaring purr came to life, as you drove the vehicle back into the street, leaving behind you the luxury hotel where the MAMA awards after party is being held. You just couldn’t spare another moment in their company, not when everyone was happy and laughing and you just wanted to scream on the top of your lungs. Entrainment industry was a pit of snakes, you name it, idols, actors, sponsors, managers all seeking for money and fame to the expenses of people's pain and blood.
As you sat behind the wheel, your grip on reality seemed to wane with every passing mile. The rhythmic hum of the engine blended with the erratic beats of your heart, echoing the chaotic dance of thoughts you fought to forget. You prayed that no police stopped you as your dilated pupils betrayed your altered state.
The world outside blurred, while your mind teetered on the edge of euphoria and unease. You felt your body shiver, the aftermath of your reckless behaviors coming for you. Without thinking twice, you stopped on the side of the road. If you kept speeding in such a state you would end up hurting someone. Taking a deep breath as you tried to collect yourself, you hissed from muscular spasm.
“Fuck,” you cursed under your breath, hands gripping the wheel tighter.
You looked at yourself through the rearview mirror. Your make-up was smuggled across your face, your eye shadow fading as your mascara tainted beneath your eyes. Seeing your reflection, made your stomach twist in disgust. You were Y/n, an idol of one of the most successful girl groups of your generation. You were loved and talented, earning jealousy from others. Yet you couldn't bear the sight of yourself. Despite all compliments you often received from others, you found it hard to believe them.
Little did they know that you were fighting for your life, each passing second.
MAMA had been held tonight and without surprise, your group won best feminine group of the year. People expected you to be happy and screaming in joy, but you sucked at pretending. How would you exaggerate such an emotion when it was something that you were already aware of, as these shows were all planned out and rigged. What wasn’t planned out however, was the speech made by NCT 127 in honor of Mark Lee.
To you, it had felt like millions of needles piercing your heart, as you had to stand there and hear about it without being able to show any hint of emotion. Betraying sadness would have made you look like a hypocrite in the eyes of the public. To them, you had no connection to Mark, mourning in public would be giving people reasons to gossip.
At the after party, you were hit with a wave of questions related to your relationship with Mark, having to hear the most pathetic excuses from rich sponsors. It had ripped your heart, and again due to your idol image, you had to pretend that you weren't hurt. You had ended up sniffing a whole line, in hope it would quiet your thoughts, numb the unstoppable pain and growing anxiety at the pit of your stomach.
If Mark saw you today, he would have been disappointed and the thought of it, made you want to sink deeper in anything that would stop such guilty thoughts.
“Fucking pricks” you cursed out again, your hands hitting without much strength, the wheel of your car.
You reached for your purse, grabbing your pills prescribed for your generalized anxiety. Without counting, you pour some into your hand, proceeding in swallowing the drug, hands shaking. You groaned at the feeling, praying to all entities that no sasaeng or paparazzi was around. A scandal was the last thing you needed at the moment.
Being an idol has been the worst mistake of your life.
No. Not answering that phone call had been the worst fucking decision of your life.
You still remembered it clear as water. It was a friday night, the rain poured outside. You and Mark had just got into a stupid argument because of another girl idol that was hitting on him. That night you had lost control of your anger, violently pushing Mark away and cursing him out with the worst insults without hearing his version. Slamming the door of his apartment, you had left back to your own place. You knew Mark had been having some rough weeks with promotions. He had barely slept in days, had not eaten much and you had thought of preparing him a date night would help with his own anxiety and inner turmoils.
Instead, you had left him there after something egoistic that communication would have solved. You remember driving down to your place. Your phone had rang. His name appeared on the screen as you had ignored it. Mark had proceeded to call you two more times that you equally ignored, unable to digest your anger at that moment.
The memory made the air in your lungs knock you out. You felt your airways getting restrained as if something was blocking it. Seeking for air, you started hyperventilating, sobs coming out of your mouth. Hot, big, fat tears rolled down your cheeks as you cried. It was always the same goddamn thing.
Mark had died tragically that same night, 3 months ago. The next thing you learnt was that your boyfriend had been taken to the emergency room but didn't make it out alive. His lungs filled in dioxyde carbone smoke from what his parents had explained to you. An accident, the doctors said, gas that had leaked. How, didn't matter to you. All you could think about was how he had called you that night, for help. But your own anger and frustration blinding your reason, declining his call–
You had killed him, you were convinced. If only you hadn’t been so caught up in childish feelings, Mark would have been by your side.
“Do it”
The voice on your head echoed like a prayer, which made you stop breathing for a short seconds out of surprise. You looked at the bottle of your pills still there in your hands. Perhaps you had to pay for what you had done. Your hand tightened around the plastic bottle, tears streaming down your face.
You missed him so much.
You were tired of life. Nothing made sense to you. Perhaps, this was the best solution.
You took a few more pills, swallowing the lorazepam dry. You groaned at the feeling on your throat, coughing before the bottle fell from your hands, spilling the content next to your feet and pedals. You cried heavily. You didn't remember crying like this at his funeral, the emotions numbed by the denial of the situation. Your hand went to your chest, gripping at the fabric of your dress as you tried to rip away this feeling consuming you.
It took a few minutes. Between the alcohol consumed tonight, the cocaine and the unknown number of lorazepam, you started to feel your body getting heavy. Your crying eventually ceased and your breathing became constant. You close your eyes, dreaming of his touch, of his presence. You didn't know if you deserved such confort, but your mind was too messed up, too high to rationalize.
“Y/n”
The rough voice jolted you awake, its resonance seeming to penetrate your very consciousness. With effort, you willed your eyes to open, greeted by the sight of Mark seated beside you. Despite the haze of grogginess, a smile tugged at your lips as you acknowledged him.
“Mark” you murmured, unable to tell if the whole scenario was an illusion your brain had mastered “Am I dead yet?”
“No” Mark said. He was worried, the timber of his voice reminding you, you were amidst danger. Although you couldn't clearly see his face, you swore to yourself he was real. Sitting next to you on the passenger seat, he wore the same clothing from the day of his death. His face was a strange gray color but his eyes still held the warmness of his bubbly personality.
“My head” you whined to yourself, unable to move your body, lethargy taking over you. He wasn’t real, you knew it deep down. This was the drug's side effects, there was no other explanation for this. Your head felt light, yet, the need for sleep was taking over your body as you felt your eyes closing.
“Stay awake Y/n” Mark said in a hurried voice, stopping you from fluttering your lids close. You groaned, trying to rub your eyes but your hand was too heavy to move. Everything seems to be going slower than normal, as if the world was holding its breath.
“I am sleepy” you said but tried to move nonetheless, trying to reach for Mark’s touch. It was stupid really, you thought. There were so many things you wanted to say, so many words but your lips were not in sync with your mind. You needed to apologize, ask for his forgiveness. You moaned in pain, the dizziness making you nauseous.
“Y/n” he called again and you forced yourself to look at him. Your mouth was like papersand, you were thirsty. “breathe deeply, through your nose” he indicated and you tried to follow his indications. Your body felt on fire, as the effects of the dangerous cocktail coursed through your veins.
“It hurts”
“I know”
Waves of dizziness and disorientation crashed over you, blurring the lines between reality and hallucination. Nausea clawed at your stomach, threatening to erupt with each passing moment. Your heart raced erratically, its frenetic beats echoing the chaos within. Every breath felt labored, as if the air around you had turned thick and suffocating.
“Why did you leave me?” you asked and the pain in your chest became more prominent. You were torn between throwing up and punching a hole in your chest to breathe properly. “Why did you left me”
You must have lost your mind. Deep down you knew this wasn't Mark, this was just a fruit of your imagination, one that your guilty paranoid self needed to see. So many nights asking for a chance of asking forgiveness and yet amidst your crisis all you could master was blaming him for these feelings.
“I am sorry,” Mark murmured, the words echoing against your eardrums. It hurted you, it felt like you were bleeding from the inside out. “Y/n, you need to wake up. You need to call someone”
No, you thought. by doing that you would have to go back to the reality which meant leaving Mark behind. Even if this wasn't real, it was the closest thing you had to seeing him.
“But I miss you” you said, the tears clouding your eyes. His bloodied face smiled down at you.
“I know. But you can't be with me for now”
“Why?” The words left your mouth with a desperate sob. In the midst of this torment, a profound sense of dread settled over you, a haunting reminder that you would never be able to feel his touch, his laugh ever again.
“There's too much you need to do for me, Y/n.” In your mind it made sense. you and mark had made so many plans together, from trips to getting a dog, from getting an apartment together to going to that stupid Beyonce show. “Can you do that? Can you live for me?” The urgency in his voice couldn't be ignored even when you moved your head from side to side, crying.
You were getting paranoid there was no explanation. How could he expect you to live, to experience everything you had promised to do by his side, by yourself? you understood, to honor his memory it was important, to honor his love for you, you couldn't allow yourself to go through such a dark path. Your heart ached so much. Was love worth all this pain?
“Live for me”
You wanted to open your mouth but you couldn't. You had yet to apologize, but your anxiety was ruling over every parcel of your cells. Closing your eyes for a second, to recollect yourself you breathed. It felt like you were inhaling sharp needles, your lungs writhing in devious pain. Mark’s words repeated itself in your brain. Forcing yourself to open your eyes, before looking at the passenger seat. Mark wasn't there anymore.
Instead, your phone layed there, abandoned next to your purse. You screamed in pain, forcing yourself to move your body, your muscles feeling like they were ripping inside of you. As you reached for it, with trembling hands, you pushed yourself back to your initial position, swallowing the bile that had recoiled around your mouth. Then you pressed the emergency room, putting the phone on speaker.
“911, what’s your emergency” the masculine voice behind the phone asked and you sighed through your sobs.
“Please help me. I can’t die. I have to live. Please”
You didn't want to live. But you had agreed to one thing. The only way to be forgiven for your sin, was to live for Mark. To that, you would willingly give your life for.
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