#im trying to get the manic energy out so i can continue with my day rn just dont worry about it dont worry abt it
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its modern day in the canon hetalia universe. by now its common knowledge that there's 200~400 immortal vampire-like beings of dubious origin and morality in the world. this is not interesting to you. allegedly there are government organizations keeping tabs on them so you dont need to worry about it, probably. they're not causing any trouble. most of them seem to be productive members of society
several of these human adjacent things were driven off twitter recently after being exposed for committing war crimes in the past. the ones that are still there decline to comment, which is not a good look for anyone involved. oh well. its not like anyone would have had the power to stop them if you think about it. did you see that viral video where one was juggling military tanks? he posted it to his own youtube channel like some kind of power play. fucked up.
and every so often people start collectively asking questions like how much involvement did they have in xyz war? did they own slaves personally? is it true they need to eat humans to survive?
an interview drops given by some guy who claims to be one of these dudes (its hard to tell if he's legit) "personally i just want to be left alone. i have more productive hobbies now, dont worry about all that from 500 years ago or 100 years ago or whenever. thats not me anymore. btw i dont condone cannibalism its not fun for anyone"
you talked to one of them once but you didn't know it until days later when you recognized him on tv, dressed in ceremonial clothing. you still dont know how to feel when you see him swinging a sword to cut the ribbon in front of a new government building. but he looks like he wishes he was anywhere else
#*mean girls janis voice* h*talia... how do i begin to explain h*talia?#im trying to get the manic energy out so i can continue with my day rn just dont worry about it dont worry abt it#post#i hear mr honda does car commericals#for toyota tho#aph
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Can you do headcanon about 2p russia with s/o with golden retriver energy?
2p! hetalia russia with a golden retriver s/o
0.8k words ~ gender neutral headcanons
tw: yuri is not a . perfect boyfriend
a/n: SORRY GUYS . i want to write more but my life is a continuous train wreck. im doing my best. i care about u all so much :sob:
- This dynamic would be a classic, a ray of sunshine and a ray of darkness. Except, I would say that no matter how upbeat you are, Yuri can bring you down.
- When you two first met, he was incredibly... rude. He saw how excitable you are, and his immediate reaction was to try to break that spirit by whatever means possible. Of course, he didn't do this just to be mean. He sees your kindness as a weakness.
- Yuri does not like weak people.
- But if you keep up that manic puppy energy despite his protests, he'll start to see it differently. Yes, you're overly caring, but you can't be brought down as easily as he's seen others fall.
- That's what got him interested at first. If you can withstand his incessant verbal abuses, then clearly you're stronger than he thought. So that gets him thinking, why? Now he's curious.
- He wouldn't apologize for his past behaviour but would start trying to be nicer, at least. And as you warm up more to him, he warms up to you.
- Once he gets to know you, his attitude completely switches. Before, he would've smacked that dopey smile off your face in a heartbeat, but now, he'd do anything to protect it.
- Suddenly, it seems like everything in your life is going wrong in (admittedly minor) ways that only he can fix. Your sink doesn't work? Guess who was already in the neighbourhood. Yuri was, and every second he doesn't spend complaining about being used for free labour will be used for trying to suppress his stupid smile.
- He'd never let you see him be sensitive like that. Never when you're just friends, and only sometimes when you're dating. Sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall!
- If you try talking about your feelings towards him, he'll run in the other direction.
- It's unlikely that he'd confess first, but even so, he'd like to ask you out before you ask him! And if you try getting more emotional about it, he'll just try desperately to avoid you.
- He has the emotional intelligence of a potato and the social battery of a TV remote. So your endless positivity... freaks him the hell out.
- But if you two figure it out, he'd be a surprisingly ok boyfriend other than the fact that he won't accompany you to any social gathering.
- (If he does, he'll just be your weird scary dog that follows you around. He is not doing any socialising of his own and he is asking to leave before 6 pm to watch the news.)
- Yuri has quite a temper, but it's rarely directed towards you. He'll scream at the TV every day, but only scream at you once a month when he's drunk.
- He's weirdly patient when it comes to your feverish excitement. You bouncing around the house, singing songs, and generally acting like a fairy, can't even force his head out of his book.
- In fact, some of the only times he'll ever smile, is at your postivity. When he sees you nearly cry at a video of a puppy growing up, he chuckles to himself and acts like he just finds it childish. But really, he's gonna be thinking about that moment the rest of the day.
- Plus, he thinks it's pretty cute if you dress all bright too. You, with your loud summer clothing, versus his dollar store goth aesthetic, creates a picture that he likes a lot.
- If you ever got overly excited and broke anything, Yuri wouldn't be mad. He'll scold you like he would a child, but he's pretty excited to have something to fix.
- He does draw the line at indulging in your wild impulses. No, he won't take you nor let you go on a random cross-country road trip. That's how people get murdered, you know?
- Also, he'll always say no to buying you anything, but end up caving later. If you ask for a plushie, he'll tell you they're for children, but then you'll wake up to find that plushie in his place in bed.
- You make him soft. Not actually soft, but soft for Yuri.
- Because of that, you're not coming to anything that has people he knows. Then they'll see how... weak you make him! He has a reputation. Whenever you're in public, he immediately becomes very cruel and demanding because of this.
- He's a little embarrassed not just about how much control you have over him, but also because... you were never who he pictured spending his life with. He always wanted some traditional marriage with two depressed people who hate each other, but now he's HAPPY? Horrible.
- But you do make him feel young. Now he can't bear the thought of anything happening to you, so he's not gonna leave anytime soon.
- So, basically, GOLDEN RETRIEVER PARTNER. You can do better. But if you make it through all of his desperate attempts to keep everyone at arm’s length… it’ll be at least a little worth it.
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okay i listened to the leak dont @ me
i only listened through once because thats what i had time for tonight but ill be listening more over time lol
anyway it has some good songs it has some bad songs and cringe lyrics but eh ! overall its alright. i would say middle tier tsw*ft content. i would say it would fall in my rankings here atm:
folklore > rep > midnights > evermore > speak now > ttpd > 1989 > lover > red > fearless > debut
spoilers i guess for implied TayLore but uh its implied joe not only suicide baited her but also love bombed her, abadoned her in their home alone and then cheats on her possibly multiple times while continuing to love bomb
some folk are saying that its prob m*tty he*ly that did the suicide baiting but i dont have enough context to dissect the muses of each song. idk it feels weird to have ur title track song be about your apparant fling from last spring and not the 6 yr relationship guy
eh again i need see written lyrics to really dissect each song like. just in terms of lyrical analysis (outside of the implications of her actual life too bc i think that gives for more personal connection to the songs)
again everything with a grain of salt bc we never know whats real and whats not. but i can "Understand" that for lil billionaire tsw*ft that having ur partner suicide bait u fucks you up a lot and why she "can" consider herself tortured because of it.
i mean i would be hypocritical to say otherwise bc my current art project is navigating the same feelings. or again, at least the feelings shes projecting in this music
i think its good at like. being her obviously trying to process these emotions honestly. of course from the perspective from someone so out of touch with "normal life" but still. who are we to tell someone how to grieve a complicated toxic relationship
im seeing some sw*fties say they really cannot relate but idk i could and can find myself relating to it more over time. it feels like an album that could be more of a grower over time than an immediate banger
florida is so good and its absolutely because florence has such a big part of it and shes such a vocal powerhouse. i wish we can get a full florence cover one day 🥺
top songs from first listen are: florida, whos afraid of little old me, and i can do it with a broken heart
^ florida ofc bc of florence but the other two have this like. angry manic episode energy that feels similar to rep. like genuinely i told my partner whos afraid of little old me reminded me of florence's dream girl evil. and i.... love dream girl evil
but really wild for multiple songs in this with lyrics about t*ylor wanting to kill herself bc she feels so bad. girlie.. relatable...
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I keep thinking about my early time in Inazuma and I just.
I need to send such a heartfelt thank you to Ayaka and Thoma (and even though we didnt interact at the time, Ayato as well for also allowing it)
Now, I had something a bit different from canon early Inazuma's events.
The canon talk with Ayaka and the mini errands still happened, but they were just day one.
I was furious and damn near a manic episode over the previous encounter with Lumine, so I was incredibly rude to them both during our first meeting. So my first thank you HAS to be thanking Ayaka and Thoma for giving me familiar tasks to help me calm down (even if it wasnt the full intention). An additional quick thank you to Paimon for trying to run damage control and overall allowing her panic to show Ayaka and Thoma what was going on even though you didnt really get it yourself.
The big shift from canon is what happened when I came back from the tasks. I had calmed down. Cleared my head. I was feeling a bit better. Just better enough to apologize for my behavior and agree to help best I could. On the condition they just let me rest and process some shit for a few days or so.
To be honest I had nearly shut down from sheer exhaustion by the time we got back to the estate (because of my own wild emotions. Not the tasks Ayaka gave to me). So I think the toll my mind was taking was fairly evident in my apperance at that point.
The two of them were so kind. They didnt even ask what had happened or why I needed it. (I did explain a bit/vented to Thoma abt it later) They agreed so quickly and Thoma rushed me off to a guest room like I could pass out any second (I cant say I wouldnt have but I did think it was a little silly at the time)
I ended up being in a really deep depression for about a week. Could barely even leave my bed. Scared Paimon half to death (sorry Paimon)
Ayaka was a bit more distant during that time than Thoma. I think some of my initial rudeness got to her or maybe it was just how shy she was that the infamous traveler was in her house. Im not quite sure/dont remember. But I'm sure we got much closer afterwards when I was no longer depressed, and I think she gave Paimon a lot of reassurance during it all.
But Thoma was in and out of my room multiple times on a daily basis. He was SO nice and caring. Brought me 3 meals a day, let me vent all I needed, offered advice even though he didnt fully understand the situation, he would even remind me about some basic self care (not in a pushy way but gentle reminders for "if I found the energy"). He'd even play with Paimon to help get her energy out (she would get REALLY antsy when we weren't doing much)
He EVEN put up with my accidental slip of terrible coping mechanisms (wont say here. Its horrifically embarassing.)
I honestly don't think I would've survived my trip to Inazuma if it weren't for their kindness. I can never thank them enough. I don't even remember all of that week, nor everything about my continued relationships with Ayaka and Thoma, but I just cannot shake the deep seated need to thank them both for eternity. I can never thank them enough honestly. They practically saved my life. They gave me a safe space to process things. If they didnt let me stay with them I likely wouldve withered away within my teapot. They felt like some of the few people who not only knew EVERYTHING about my situation, but also knew how fucking traumatizing it all was, and knew exactly how I had gotten to the point I did.
God.
I care about them both so much.
Ayaka, Thoma, seriously. Thank you both. So so so so so SO much. Your kindness was never forgotten, in that life nor in this one.
~Aether 🕯♟
🌷
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feeling absolutely fucking batshit today
I want to take a hammer to my phone, kitchen scissors to my stupidly long and unmanageable hair delete all of my accounts and hit up my toxic ex who cheated on me to go camp in the desert somewhere. im so tired of existing in my own head and body and dealing with my internal dialogue and brain day in and day out. of wanting to be beautiful and cool and liked and nice and perceived as nice. im so tired of shyly smiling at people in my ceramics studio that I don't even like because I don't want to be disliked. of scanning my body every day and thinking about what surgeries I wish I had to change it. of how I can convince my mom to pay for teeth whitening because my teeth have always been yellow. of trying to be nice and calm and supportive to my little sister who never makes even a slight effort to check in on me or be there for me. of constantly trying to take the high road with her in order to preserve the relationship. being there when she calls me to vent about everyone and everything even though she can't be bothered to answer a simple text from me. of continuing to engage and communicate with people I generally dislike and have nothing in common with because im so insecure about my lack of life experience and lack of friends in a city where I've spent 99% of my life. im tired of all of this shit contributing to me being generally disingenuous and fucking vapid and shallow. Turning 25 is throwing me for a loop because all I can think about is how im finally coming to accept my appearance and how its all going to go away soon. im so tired of giving so much of a fuck about shit that does not matter. at ceramics today this young woman maybe 25 and strange older dude were talking about their seizures and brain disorders and matching scars from brain surgery. and a mom and daughter who looked homeless wandered in because the daughter was curious. that's the stuff in life that matters and makes a difference. not my yellow teeth, or big nose or cellulite. or if people like me.
I tried to run but im so out of shape and I've just been drinking soda and eating junk food and not even drinking water so I couldn't really. instead I walked down to the elementary school where I went and laid on the grass. the first Xanax I took started to calm me down and I felt more at peace. I walked home and went to Vons and bought a slice of birthday cake and a pack of American spirits. I smoked one on the way home and took a hot shower. I rubbed my face with face wash until the foam covered anything. I cleaned my room before I left the house today and it was genuinely really nice to come home to. I tuned on both of my fans to full speed and im sitting here typing this. Im going to turn on the Simpsons. or maybe a movie. and eat my cake. I took another Xanax before my shower so im hoping that will help me fall asleep. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. but I know that I don't want to go to work and preform. [preform as cool girl and make crude jokes to the back of house. preform as cute and funny because I think my manager is hot. preform in general. im so tired of it.
I swear im so fucked up im a perfect candidate for someone to get me to join some cult. shave my head wear loose robes.
I screamed bloody murder 4 times in my car on the way home tonight. a "primal" scream. im getting my mental health advice from corny Netflix teen movies now I guess.
why was I worried about the length of my t shirt today, of the bagginess of shorts. of what shoes would be the coolest with the two.
more likely than not this is all just manic irritable behavior and energy that's a direct result of my not taking my meds consistently, and getting my period from skipping my bc, and more than likely ill sleep the day away tomorrow like I have been for almost a month now, and rush off to work, not brushing my teeth or forgetting deodorant and showing up late with wonky makeup I did while driving. and ill buss tables while sports bros ignore me and curse at their football games. but tonight I feel like I might just be finally and officially fed up. of trying to control everything and edit and curate everything to the point that I've driven myself so crazy that it all needs to go out the window and im just going to be this crazy unhinged but relatively at peace person.
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Advice
Okayyyy so its been a minute, i know i know.. but I’m back! oof ive been feeling like my writing is pretentious and shtewpid so i write smthn and it stays in the drafts. But Im done with that! Theres a lot of stuff I cant wait to share with yall!
as for this piece, idk what it is. theres no angst or anything... id just describe it as bros being dudes. kinda boring ngl but i couldnt get it outta my head.
Summary: Nobu asks his oldest friend for advice.
Word count: 818
My request are open atm
Warnings: Smoking? allusions to death, cursing
“What do you get a girl when you want her to like you?” Nobu asks.
They’d been walking for what felt like ages, but it seemed as though the forest had swallowed them whole. The canopy above was almost impenetrable by sunlight, only faint trickles making their way through.
“What?” And Uvo’s dead serious. Who the fuck thought about something that stupid? Surely not him, and surely no one he knew.
“Yeah.. like do you get her flowers or somethin’?” And it’s enough to make Uvo stop walking.
“Did I hit you too fuckin’ hard in our session today?” He scoffs. There an indignant frown on Nobu’s face that confuses the bigger spider even more. With a shake of his head, Uvo slowly continues his earlier pace on the path.
“You must be losing your mind. Why the fuck would you care?”Nobunaga sighs, muttering something about Uvo being a meathead before fiddling with the pommel of his katana.
Their pace is lazy, there’s no rush, if anything they’d get to their destination earlier than they needed to be. Even though he’d never admit it, Nobu found comfort in the fact that Uvo always wanted to be on time. It meant that he never really had to pay attention.
After an hour of Nobu’s perceived sulking, or rather just his mind trying to work out how exactly to go about this, Uvo lets out a deep sigh. He throws his hands up, eyebrows raised as he asks the smaller man “Why are you even thinking about this? You’re a spider, right? Just fuckin take what you want”
“It’s not that easy. I want her to like me you big jughead-“
“You want her right? Then just fuckin take her and worry about that shit later! It IS that easy”
Nobunaga furrows his brow, the choice even more unclear with Uvo’s suggestion.
“If you’re so worried about what she thinks then how d’you think she’s gunna react when she finds out who you are?” Uvo growls, taking a step closer as if invading Nobu’s personal space will force some sense into him.
And this time It’s Nobu’s turn to get loud.
“I didn’t get that far!” He pinches the bridge of his nose before breathing again.
“Tsk... you know I’m right Nobu.” He grunts, the last part of his sentence is mumbled, as if he’s over the conversation but still has much more to say on the subject. “Like we’d get flowers and chocolate and go on fuckin dates. You know that’s stupid.” Nobu drops it for the time being. It was clear he wasn’t going to find any help from his partner.
The path stretches out further in front of them. What little light they had now dwindling into nothing, until their eyes make out the moonbeams that cast dark shadows across the trail. If Uvo had calculated it right, they’d reach the meetup spot by noon tomorrow if they kept walking at this pace. A day early, but enough time to get some quality sleep before the heist.
After a few more hours, He offers Nobu a chance to rest. Uvo’s back leaned up against a tree on the side of the road, he watches the other man’s cigarette smoke drift through the tree branches.
“If you're still distracted during the heist, I will kill you myself.” It’s a threat that holds a sliver of truth, Nobunaga knows, but he scoffs anyway.
Pinching the lit cigarette between his pursed lips, he fiddles with the tie holding his hair up. After a few seconds it finally comes loose, his hair cascading onto his shoulders. Jet black, it looks as if the darkness surrounding them has chosen to swallow him whole.
“I’d like to see you try.”
And it gets the reaction he wants. Uvo’s lips curl into one of his manic smiles, one of the ones that promise he’s up to no good.
“I can do it right now if you're in such a rush to die.”
Nobu smiles at that. His friend was never one to turn down a challenge.
“I’d rather wait a few days. Then we’ll have an audience.”
Uvo’s laugh is booming, shaking the tree behind him with the sheer energy of it. With a push Nobunaga is on his feet again, cigarette butt still in his mouth as he speaks to Uvo.
“Get up, we’re going to be late if we keep taking this many breaks.”
“Alright, alright.” The man huffs, smile still plastered on his face.
In truth Nobu doesn’t care what time they end up making it to their destination, but he knows that Uvo does.
And even though he hated to admit it, but the beast of a man was right. He didn’t have time to think about something so trivial when he had troupe business to focus on. He had to keep his mind sharp.
The path still stretches miles ahead of them, and even though he’s still uncertain, Uvo has somehow managed to calm him. After all, he was right. Spiders took what they wanted.
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Double Yikes! Part 1 (Ben Hardy x Reader)
Summary: Ben and Reader go on their date.
Warnings: Dirty thoughts, cursing...sickly sweet touching moments
Continuation of Yikes!
A/N: Wow ok hi everyone! Is this actually happening? Im actually posting this! So i decided to break up Double Yikes into 2 parts. First of all because it has been way too long and i feel awful for making you all wait and 2 because I’m struggling with the end and I'm hoping this will buy me some more time. I don’t bite so please tell me what you all think. Do you hate it? Love it? Want more? Tell me all of it. I love to hear from you. Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list for when part 2 is finished. Ok I think that’s it...oh don’t forget Italics is reader thinking to herself in her head. Alright let’s do this!!
TagList:: @borhapqueen92 @radiob-l-a-hblah @gwendolyns-stacy @coincidence-ithinknots-blog @mythicmazzellos @hardforbenhardy @onceuponadetectivedemigod
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“Wait wait, read it to me again.” Morgan said stuffing the last bit of her lunch into her mouth. You were both sitting in your office for lunch, talking about Ben and your upcoming date that night, when he texted you as promised a few hours before.
“It says 'Do you mind if I pick you up for our date? I really want to be a perfect gentleman.' Then there are the fingers crossed emoji and in brackets '🤞(please say yes).' You read and flipped the phone around to show her.
"Want to be? Hell he already is."
"I'm so nervous. He still didn't say where or what time. What if I don't get out of work in time to shower? Oh god I'm gonna smell on our first date. What am I gonna wear? If I don't have enough time to shower then I might not have enough time to change. Oh god what if i wear what i'm wearing now. He's gonna look and smell so good. All showered and sexy in whatever he's got on and I'm gonna be this gross, smelly potato still in her clothes from work. Im freaking out!" You were spiraling.
"Alright calm down. One thing at a time. Let's come up with a reply. Do you want him to pick you up?"
"Of course I do." You smiled. "Better chance of a goodnight kiss."
"Or a good morning kiss" She muttered.
"Morgan!" She held her hands up in defense.
“I’m just saying what you’re thinking.”
She’s not wrong
“Oh shut up and help me.”
Together you came up with a reply and he responded with the time he would be by to pick you up and the dress code, to which he described as 'Fancier than work but not the royal wedding.', because he refused to tell you where you were going, causing you to stress about it for the rest of the day. At least you would have enough time to shower and change.
By the time you left work, you were nothing but a big nervous mess. When you got home you had 2 hours to get ready before Ben would be there. You went straight to the shower making sure every bit of you was clean and any place that needed shaving was taken care of just in case things ended the way Morgan said they would.
You were definitely not the type of girl to sleep with a guy on the first date but there was something about Ben. A pull you just couldn't explain. A need to be close to him but at the same time a need to be far away because you were so nervous you may vomit all over him. Plus this very well could be the last time you see him, him being an actor and his career on the verge of skyrocketing and all. So why not make the most of it if the opportunity arises.
After your shower you spent way too long in the closet trying to pick something to wear. You finally decided on what Morgan called your "Posh Spice Dress". It was a simple black dress that stopped mid thigh, with thin straps.
Hair and makeup came next and you kept things simple. Minimal makeup and a simple, messy sort of bun with a few pieces falling around your face. You received a text from Ben notifying you that he was on his way. Shoes on, wallet and keys in purse. You snapped a quick picture in the full length mirror and sent it off to Morgan as promised.
The knock at the door made you jump and almost drop your phone.
Jesus that was fast.
You could feel your hands start to sweat and your heart pound as you walked to the door.
Breath you manic, it's just a date. Breath.
You opened the door and the breath you just talked yourself into taking was stolen from you. Ben was dressed in a wonderful black suit and dark green shirt, making his eyes stand out. His hair was tousled just enough so a piece hung over his forehead. He was looking at the floor but when the door opened he looked up. He shook his head to get the stray piece or hair off his forehead but it did nothing but make you weak in the knees.
Fuuuuck! You beautiful bastard. My god, I'm gonna be distracted all night.
The effect he had on you must have shown on your face because his cheeks were a light pink.
"Hey." He smiled.
"Hi." You managed to get out. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to your cheek. You were grateful you were still holding the door otherwise you'd be on the ground.
"Wow you look... absolutely stunning." You looked to the ground to try and hide the furious blush that was now burning your face.
“Oh um these are for you.” He handed you the small batch of daffodils you hadn't noticed he was holding.
“My favorite. How did you know?” Trusting your knees wouldn't fail you, you moved inside and gestured for him to follow. In the kitchen you found a vase and filled it with water before turning to face him.
“I may have called the office and asked Morgan.” His bottom lip pulled between his teeth. You clenched your legs together and did everything you could not to moan out loud.
How inappropriate would it be if I jumped him right now?
“Sorry. That’s kinda creepy now that I say it out loud.” He laughed.
“No it’s not creepy. It’s thoughtful. They’re beautiful, thank you Ben.” You reassured and touched his arm gratefully. He nodded and when you turned to place the vase on the counter he let his fingers brush where you had touched his arm.
“Ready?” He asked, clearing his throat.
“Yep.” You grabbed your things and headed out the door to Bens car that was waiting in the parking lot of your apartment building. Keeping up his promise of being the perfect gentleman, he walked you to the passenger side and opened the door for you. His hand on your lower back the entire way. Once you were both settled in the car he passed you his phone, spotify was pulled up.
“Alright D.J. do your thing.” He said, pulling out of the lot and onto the street. You laughed and took the phone from him.
Ok do NOT fuck this up!
“Ah the real test.” You scrolled for a little.
“You probably think I'm going to play something Queen.” You saw the smirk on his face but he stayed silent.
Don’t be a cliche bitch.
“While i do love Queen, I'm sure that's all anyone ever plays for you now and I refuse to be that person.” You hummed and scrolled through his playlists. Surprisingly you had a lot of the same taste in music.
Should I pick something funny? Maybe a love song? No, to mushy.
“Oh I got it.” You said before clicking the one you had chosen. ’Thank you’ from Led Zeppelin. Just the right amount of lovey without being obvious. You watched his face as the music started. The smirk faded and a soft smile appeared.
“Why yes boys, she’s not just a pretty face, she’s got great music taste too.” You joked. His face didn’t change. He turned to glance at you before returning his eyes back to the road, smile still in place.
Oh shit. No real reaction.
“So, how’d I do?” You asked. You felt almost nauseous with the butterflies in your stomach. He looked to you again, a look you couldn't place.
"Perfect." He answered in almost a whisper. There was something more to that answer, you could feel it. There was tension in the car. Not a bad one, not a sexual one. Just an energy, an electric charge. This wasn't going to be just a regular date.
I wonder if he can feel that too.
Before either one of you could break the tension your phone chimed with a text message. You took your phone from your purse to see a message from Morgan.
‘YAS you sexy bitch! Get that dickin’ down girl!’ You couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up and out of you.
“What’s so funny?” Ben asked.
Oh shit
You put your phone on silent and put it back in your purse after texting her back a thumbs up and a winking emoji. The mood in the car shifted, it was light, fun and you could breathe normal again.
“Just Morgan being Morgan.”
“Is that the ‘Let me know if you need me to get you out of this awful date and I'll make something up.’ text?” You laughed and shook your head.
Nope, just my best friend wishing me good luck on tryin to sex you up tonight.
“No, actually believe it or not, we didn’t even have that conversation.” You told him truthfully. The thought of coming up with an escape plan in case things went south didn’t even cross your mind. His smile grew.
“Feelin’ pretty good about this date then?” He chuckled, doing his best to joke but you could hear the nerves in his voice. You turned your full attention to him and put your elbow on the middle console, your chin resting in your hand, a warm smile on your lips. He pulled up to a stop light as you answered.
“Very good.” He turned to look at you, his smile still soft, that look in his eyes you couldn’t place was still shining at you. You watched as his eyes moved all across your face, as if he was doing his best to capture every inch of it, commit it to memory so he would never forget.
Oh my god please kiss me.
The mood shifted again and you found it hard to catch your breath.
There is no way he isn’t feeling this. It’s too strong.
He brought his hand up and let the back of his knuckles gently run along the side of your face.
How have I not noticed how full his lips are. I bet they feel amazing.
“Me too.” He whispered.
Oh god I'm in trouble.
The light turned green, the mood shifted again and Ben continued to the restaurant. As if that intense moment hadn’t just happened. All the mood changes were making you dizzy.
The rest of the ride was nice, you chatted about little things, his upcoming projects, how the rest of your work day was. When you pulled into a spot at the restaurant, Ben jumped out and ran around to your side of the car opening the door for you and offering his arm. You grinned at him and looped your arm in his.
Once inside and at your table, a perfect cozy spot in the corner, Ben pulled your chair out for you. You recognized the name of the restaurant, ‘Ember’ . It was the new hot spot. It was only open a few months and already the reservation list was booked up till a year and a half from now.
How did he get us in here? He doesn't seem like one of those actors to use his name or the fact that he’s an actor, to get what he wants.
You stopped looking at your menu to look at him, his eyes were roaming the page.
“I have to say, I’m a little impressed you were able to get us here on such short notice.” He laughed and glanced up at you.
“Don’t be. The head chef, Ryan, is a close mate from back home. I had to beg him for about an hour after I left your office to get us a table.”
Ugh. The cutest.
“That and while i'm in town I owe him 3 nights of babysitting his 4 year old daughter, Olivia, so him and his wife can go out. So yeah not too impressive.”
Jk, that was the cutest. And now I'm picturing Ben with a 4 year old. I am fuckin done for.
“I wouldn’t say that. I find the fact that you called my office to find out my favorite flower, begged your friend for a table at his restaurant and gave up 3 of your nights to babysit all to have dinner with some girl you just met 10 hours ago kinda impressive.” He smiled and set his menu aside.
"Well she's definitely not just some girl." You also put your menu aside, your head tilted sweetly to the side.
"Oh no?"
"No, she's special." Your heart skipped a beat. That same electric feeling from the car was back.
Fuck.
"Well she thinks you're pretty special too." His face went red and he looked down at the table to try and hide it. The waitress approached the table. She was young, early 20s for sure, pretty and clearly recognized Ben. The electric feeling was gone again.
"Hi, I'm Kate. I'll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with a drink?" She said a little too sweetly. She angled herself towards Ben, her back slightly to you. You could already feel yourself getting agitated.
Please do not fuck up my night with this man you little hoe.
Ben ordered a bottle of wine for the two of you after looking to you for the okay which you gave with a smile and nod. Kate leaned into him just so as he ordered an appetizer for you to share. You were not normally a fan of guys who ordered for their dates but something about the way Ben did was incredibly sexy.
"Is that alright my darling?" He asked. His eyes were wide and innocent, a slight blush on his cheeks.
He's so considerate. And completely oblivious.
You could see the annoyed look on Kate's face as he addressed you. You smirked.
"Of course, whatever you want. I trust you." You said and placed your hand on top of his that was resting on the table. His smile grew so wide it took up his entire face.
He's gonna kill me with that smile.
He flipped his hand over in yours so he could hold it properly. He glanced down at them then back up to you, a questioning look on his face. You smiled and squeezed his hand in reassurance. His wide smile was back again.
"I'll go put this in." Kate said, trying to pull his focus.
"Thank you." He replied and held the menus out of her to take. His eyes never leave you. You felt a surge of confidence pull through your whole body. She huffed, took the menus from him.
"Don't we need those to order?" You asked.
"Oh, Ryan said he wanted to make us something special. For us to just order an appetizer and wine and he would take care of the rest."
Wow VIP treatment. I'm seriously impressed.
Kate rolled her eyes and turned to leave.
"Oh Kate, could we also get some water please?" You smiled at her. You couldn't help that it was a little smug. Before she could answer Ben brought your joint hands up to his lips, placing a kiss to your knuckles before returning them to the table.
Perfect timing you charming bastard.
"Of course." She answered with a fake, forced smile and left. Your eyes returned to Ben. His smile was shining, addictive and contagious. You could feel yours growing to match. The conversation flowed easily. You talked about everything. Gone were any awkward moments. It was like you had known each other for years vs. only a few hours. You both were still shy and nervous at times but were growing more confident and comfortable as dinner went one. After you both had the amazing meal Ryan prepared for you, he came over to the table.
"Well well if it isn't little Jonesy." He laughed and threw his arm around Ben's shoulders, pulled him close and tousled his hair.
"Mate come on. I'm on a bloody date. Stop it." He struggled to get out of his friend's hold. Ryan laughed and placed a big smacking kiss on Ben’s cheek.
“Muah! Missed you mate.”
“Yeah yeah I missed you too. Now get off of me.” He shook him off but he was grinning the entire time. Ryan shoved at his shoulder with a matching grin before turning his attention to you.
"You must be Y/N, It's a pleasure to meet you." He said, offering his hand to shake.
"And you. Thank you so much for that meal. It was amazing. You are very talented" You gushed and met his hand with yours.
"Great taste and extremely beautiful." Ryan said letting your hand go and leaning into Ben's side.
"That she is." Ben answered, his eyes trained on you. Your heart fluttered.
"She's far too good for you Jonesy." Ryan joked.
"Don't I know it." You were sure your face was red and flushed.
Well that couldn't be more untrue. I'm so worried you're going to realise I'm just an average girl and then you'll be gone.
"Alright shove over, let's catch up for a bit." Ryan said grabbing a chair from a nearby table and pulling it up to yours. Ben slid his chair over to make room.
Oh shit, here we go nerves.
He was now sitting next to you rather than across. His arm instinctively draped over the back of your chair.
Okay, okay deep breath. Fuck he smells so good. No more deep breaths.
The boys chatted away, mostly about what they've been up to and Ryan's family. Ryan asked what you did, you told him and explained that was how you and Ben met.
"You know I would love to do a piece on you." You said taking a sip of wine. Having Ryan there had calmed your nerves, took some of the pressure off. You were relaxed and you could tell Ben was too. He leaned back in his chair, arm still draped over the back of yours. You were lent forwards, elbows on the table engaged in the conversation.
"Me?" Ryan laughed surprised.
"Yeah, I think the people would love to learn about the head chef at the new hot spot. I mean only if you're interested that is. You don't have to. Just a thought."
“That sounds good. Jonesy can give you my number, give me a call and we’ll set it up.” You smiled, feeling proud.This was gonna get you some serious points with your boss.
“Alright, I'm going to stop hogging your date and get back to work. Y/N it really was a pleasure meeting you. I look forward to seeing you again.” He said leaning over to place a kiss on your cheek.
“Jonesy I’ll see you soon for babysitting.” He laughed, hugged his friend and whispered to him.
“She seems perfect for you mate, don’t fuck it up.” Ben laughed and kissed his cheek the same way Ryan had upon arriving at the table.
“I’m sending you guys some desert so get comfortable.” He said before leaving. You turned to look at Ben over your shoulder, he was grinning at you.
"What?" You asked, now matching his grin. He brought the hand that was draped over the back of your chair, up to your exposed back and let the tips of his fingers run across the skin. Despite feeling hot all over, you shivered and goosebumps appeared.
"I've never seen him take to someone so fast. Especially someone I'm interested in."
Ok butterflies, calm down.
“I guess that means I'm pretty awesome.” You joked and leaned back in your chair, turned towards him, your knees now touching. His hand moved to the side of your face. He brushed a piece of hair behind your ear and let his finger gently continue over the shell of your ear, down your jaw and across your chin. Your heart was hammering in your chest. His touch was so soft and gentle you couldn't help but lean into him slightly.
Fuck. Me. Up.
“I’d say pretty awesome doesn't even begin to cover it.”
I swear if you don't kiss me right fuckin now i will exploed.
As if he was reading your thoughts he leaned in slowly, giving you the chance to pull away. He was so close now, you could feel his soft, warm breath across your face.
"Here's your desert." Kate, the waitress interrupted and placed a plate of chocolate covered strawberries on the table between you.
God damn it!
She had a satisfied smirk on her face.
Bitch
Ben pulled back, cleared his throat and offered a weak smile to Kate. It took everything in you not to huff and pout like a child not getting the toy they wanted.
"Chef asked me to give you this." Kate said and passed what looked like the check to Ben before leaving again. You watched as his eyes traveled over it and a grin spread across his face.
"Cheeky shit." He laughed and handed it to you. It was a note from Ryan.
Dinner is on me. Not because of you Jonesy, cause your beautiful date. She charmed the pants off me. The wife's gettin lucky tonight! Hope you are too.
A warm blush spread across your cheeks.
"Well that was very sweet of him." You said trying not to focus on the "hope you get lucky" comment.
"He likes to embarrass me." Ben laughed and nudged the plate towards you. "Strawberry?"
You both ate your dessert and continued to chat. You couldn't believe how easy it was to talk to him. Sure you still got nervous and giddy when he smiled at you and your heart would speed up, making your hands sweat but for the most part your nerves had calmed down enough for you to hold a conversation without stumbling over your words and flushing at the smallest up turn of his lips. When you finished Kate returned to the table to remove the plate and ask if you needed anything else.
“Actually may I borrow your pen?” Ben asked. She nodded and handed it to him. A hopeful look on her face. He took the note from Ryan, turned it over. You watched over his shoulder as he wrote:
Thanks for dinner you sexy man. See you soon for babysitting.
And signed it with a heart.
Kate looked disappointed.
Ha!
“Oh me next” You said, getting an idea. You searched your bag for your lipstick. Red lipstick wasn’t really your style but Morgan had convinced you to buy it once and it’s been in your bag ever since. You put it on, making sure to get it in the corners and lay it on thick. You could see Ben watching you out of the corner of your eye. His mouth was parted slightly and his eyes followed your hand as it traveled across your lips. You smirked at him a little as you rubbed your lips together before pressing your lips to the paper, leaving a perfect kiss mark. You wrote a quick thank you next to it.
“He’s gonna love that.” Ben said, his voice deep and a little rough.
Holy hotness batman
He gave Kate her pen back and asked if she would pass the note back to him. She agreed and left with the plate and note. Ben stood and held his hand out to you.
“Ready love?”
Your heart jumped a little.
Fuck I hope i never get used to hearing that
“Ready” You slyly wiped your sweaty hands on your dress before placing your hand in his. He helped you up and intertwined your fingers, pulling you close to his side as you both walked out of the restaurant. The car ride back to your apartment was filled with laughs. Ben was telling you stories about him and Ryan and all the crazy things they used to do, how they met, how Ryan met his wife and when Ryan asked Ben to be Olivia’s godfather.
When he pulled into the parking lot of your building he insisted on walking you to your door. ‘All part of the perfect gentleman package’ he told you. He took your hand again during the elevator ride up to your floor and swung your connected hands slightly as he walked you to your apartment and released it when you stood in front of the door.
Ok, goodnight kiss, let's do this!
"Thank you Ben, I had a really great time." He took a small step forward and placed one hand on your hip, your heart sped up. His hand felt heavy and the heat coming from him being so close spread through your entire body.
"So did I. Thank you for agreeing to go out with me tonight. I never do this kind of thing but I couldn't leave your office without a definite way to see you again." He laughed a little to ease his nerves, his head leaning slightly closer to you.
Oh god ok, breath
"Well I'm very glad you did." You said, much softer than you intended. Ben had his bottom lip trapped between his teeth as his eyes traveled over your face, landing on your lips. He was close and you could feel his breath across your face again, like at the restaurant. His heavy hand still firm on your hip, his thumb now rubbing along soothingly.
Please kiss me
He brought his other hand up to the side of your face, letting the tips of his fingers run over your cheekbone.
Pleeeease kiss me
You took a chance and placed your hand at the nape of his neck, letting your fingers intertwine in his hair. He smiled and licked his lips.
PAH-LEEAS KISS ME DAMN IT!
"Y/N, can I kiss you?" He whispered.
FUCKIN FINALLY!
Too afraid you'd actually say what you were thinking, you nodded. He smiled and leaned in slowly to close the space between you. You instantly felt an electric shock travel through you causing you to move closer towards him and tug on his hair. He moaned into the kiss and slid his hand from your hip to your back, pulling you flush against him.
You sighed at the feeling of him being pressed against you and your lips parted. Ben wasted no time and slid his tongue along yours. You moaned and let your unoccupied hand glide up his torso, feeling his tight muscles under his shirt to rest on his chest. Ben's hand that was near your face moved to join his other on your back.
Your entire body was on fire, your head spinning, either from the intensity of the kiss or the lack of oxygen, you weren't sure. Just when you were about to pull back to see if he wanted to move things inside, he slid one of his hands down to rest on the curve of your ass.
You whined and pushed back into his hand. He moaned and gripped your ass roughly, causing you to involuntarily snap your hips forward into his. He moaned again and finally pulled away. Ben was panting heavily, his lips were swollen and red, his cheeks flushed and warm. You were sure you looked the same.
Alright, say something cool and invite him inside
You opened your mouth to speak but he beat you to it.
"I can't do this." Your heart dropped and you could feel the color drain from your face.
A/N: Sorry for the cliffhanger but i need to make sure you come back! Don’t hate me!
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May I request RFA members and Saeran with a MC who had to take the elixir?
ooo this is interesting! im going to make this into a more general headcanon, since the only time MC is actually faced with taking the elixir is during Another Story, so I’ll focus on that, hope it’s ok ^^
RFA + SAERAN WITH AN MC WHO TOOK THE ELIXIR:
* Saeran gave them a choice; take the elixir and stay with him or...don’t take it, and face the consequences
* MC didn’t want to. God, they wanted to escape, to leave this mess behind them, pretend they never met any of these people...but Saeran was in front of them, the vial in his hands, and threatening to hurt V and the rest of the RFA if MC didn’t comply...
* They didn’t have a choice. They’ve come to care for these people far too much, after realising they’re real people, people MC has been speaking with every day, has gotten close to, people who care for them and even tried to rescue them from Mint Eye-it was because of MC that V was almost captured, and now in immediate danger if MC didn’t comply to Saeran’s wish.
* So with a big breath, their hands shaking, they reached for the vial, clasping their hands around Saeran’s as they tugged the vial to their lips.
* Saeran smiled, something vicious and bordering manic as he tilted the vial, bringing a hand to the back of MC’s head to keep them there until they drank all of the vial’s contents, forcing it down even as they choked, their eyes filling with tears at the taste.
* “Shush now” he pleaded, “I made this one especially for you, it’s as sweet as can be my darling!” he beamed.
* It’s true. The concoction was sticky sweet like cotton candy that was left to burn, the aftertaste horrendous and burning like strong liquor as it went down MC’s throat, it’s effects almost instant, a ringing in MC’s head that made their vision swirl.
* They stumbled forward as they finished drinking, and Saeran held them in place, letting them fall into his arms. He laughed, running a hand gently through MC’s hair before taking a fistful of their hair, tugging them up to whisper in their ear.
* “Welcome to Mint Eye, MC” was the last thing MC heard before the world went dark.
* When they next awoke they felt...different. Weaker, almost. Their mind was a blank, their eyes drowsy and barely opening. Where were they? What were they doing here?
* They felt hands prodding at them, a warmth by their cheek, a voice that hurt their ears like a screeching cat, like nails on a blackboard.
* “Up....shut UP!” they screamed and pushed whoever was touching them away with as much force as they could master. This voice, it hurt them, it made them gag-they gripped the sides of their head as they groaned, trying to orientate themselves with their surroundings.
* They were in a cabin, light illuminating thorugh a burning fireplace, a pair of faces looking down at MC as they were sitting up on a dusty couch.
* A pair of mint eyes...and a pair of red. Who were these people? Why-why did MC feel such a guttural hate towards them?
* “MC-oh, we were so worried, you wouldn’t wake up and-do you feel okay?” the mint-eyed man spoke, kneeling down to face MC; his face hurt them, made them want to dig their nails into his flesh and rip off his skin.
* It must’ve showed on MC’s face, the hate and confusion, because the other man-the one with red eyes, put a hand on the mint-eyed guys’ shoulder, tugging him back and whispering something in his ear.
* The mint-coloured man looked crest-fallen, and it was sick, how something in MC’s gut churned sweetly at the sight, a mix of pleasure and guilt all at once.
* He stood up and left the room, his footsteps quiet, before the red-haired guy took his place in front of MC. At least this one didn’t try to put his hands on them, good.
* “MC...what do you remember?”
* His voice still hurt, but he was a respectable distance away, and each of MC’s limbs felt sore and heavy, so whatever hateful acts their mind was screaming at them to commit towards the man, they couldn’t master the energy to act them out. Better play along for now, they supposed.
* “I remember...” they groaned, scrunching their eyes as they tried to think. What did they remember? Their name...their age, studies...what-what’s their last memory?
* “I remember...a man” the red-head besides them breathed sharply, but remained quiet. “He...him and a woman...beautiful...dark....my Savior..”
* What were these faces flashing in front of MCs eyes? Their mouth felt dry, their stomach heaved, as if there’s something missing...but what?
* “Oh no...no MC, did you-do you remember drinking something? A drug?”
* MC frowned. “A drug...no, no but I remember...the vial, the elixir, blue-sweet, so sweet I-I need more of it I think I-” they tried to stand up, but the redhead moved fast, put a hand to their shoulder and pushed them back down, and they hated how easily they went down, their body weak and betraying them.
* “You...we tried to come as soon as we did, tried to rescue you before they could hurt you” the man supplied, his eyes glassy, taking off his stupid coloured glasses to rub at his face. “You were only with them for a few days how did they manage to-what did they do to you?”
* MC looked up to the man. He was crying and yet...nothing in them stirred. They should feel empathy when someone’s crying, shouldn’t they? Shouldn’t they want to comfort him?
* And yet-they couldn’t help it. Couldn’t help the vicious smile snaking its way to their lips, a toothy grin, showing fangs and menace.
* “My Savior will be pleased, so pleased-if only we could make the mint-haired man cry like this” they laughed, their voice sounding foreign-were they always this mean? It felt as if their brain was splitting, another personality coming forth, like they were in a prison of their own making-and yet they didn’t mind.The look of pain on this man’s face was far too enjoyable for them to care.
-I’d be down to writing a part 2 of this if anyone’s interested, I just didn’t want it to get too out of hand right now lol, so lmk if you want a continuation!-
-Send me a mystic messenger scenario/headcanon for a characters’ reaction!-
#asks#mysme#mystic messenger#mysme prompts#mysme headcanons#mystic messenger prompts#mystic messenger headcanons#mysme angst#fics#fanfics#runyoucleverboyandrememberme1234
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A Song For You
A/N:I know its been a long while but im back. After losing my mother in march then my brother in December of last year it took alot out of me and i had to find a new way to live without them. Thank you all for sticking with me and i hope you enjoy. alot of other things to come as well.
To catch up my A Song For You Masterlist is right HERE
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Juan's Pov
There are many things he has learned in his life, most recently he has learned how to be a man, and how to love a woman like his wife. Strong and wild as a hurricane he remembers one of the best pieces of advice he had gotten the day of his wedding. As his best man Chibs had pulled him aside and gotten him to calm the fuck down, apparently he had been annoying the fuck out of the guys all day with his squirrely behavior and Chibs gave him a blunt and a beer. Once his nerves had released him he stood with his brother and was heading back to the set up area when Chibs stopped him. "Let me tell ya one thing to always remember when it comes to a woman like Joy." He nods and gives Chibs his full attention "Love her but keep her wild. She is a woman and we all want to protect our women but at the end of the day she is a force of nature that granted you the privilege of standing close enough to be in awe of her and live."
When Chibs walked away he stared out across the reservation where he stood, Chibs was right, he wasn't worried about how any of this went. He was more worried about his wife coming to her senses and taking off in the other direction then he was standing but that was his old doubts about himself. But like Chibs said, Joy was a force of nature, and she chose him to pour her love, life and energy within. Why the fuck was he looking that gift horse in the mouth? He grins as he stares at his wife as she throws her leg over her Dyna in their driveway, she doesn't see him move to lean on his bike and looks back at him over the top of her ray bans. "You ok handsome?" He shakes off his nostalgia and walks over to stand at her side, his hands automatic coming up to braid one side of her mane of wild curls while she does the other. "I'm fine babe. Just a lot of thinking. Must be getting old."
He chuckles when his father in law slaps a hand down on his shoulder as he passes him, having spent the night in the guest room "Shut the fuck up you toddler." He puts the hair tie around the bottom of his wife's pig tail braid and kisses her temple as she snickers. Pinching her thigh in retaliation and jumping back as she swipes at him, climbing into his bike he shoots her a wide grin before putting his helmet and glasses on, peeling out of the driveway with her on his tail. Catch me if you can baby.
Joy POV
She heads up the stairs to the second floor with Bobby on her heel. Once again asking the age old club question…..what the fuck are you wearing kid. She speaks over her shoulder to the older man " I couldn't help it that my good taste offends your eyes. But i refused to sacrifice that to the all black of the club colors." Apparently that had tickled bobby as they marched up the stairs to grab their hiding leader. Jax had called them all here and wasn't even down stairs. But she knew where he would be. She knocks on the door and peeks inside with a grin. " everyone is here brother." He nods and stands, she sees him pocket his small journal, walking by her he grabs the side of her head and places a kiss on the top of her head. " Hmmmmm apples. Not bad." She snorts and shoves him, then he gives her a loaded look as his blue eyes scan her face. "You ok? Sleep alright." She knew he meant the nightmares, she sighs with a nod "Yeah Juan had me smoke two blunts myself and I was knocked the fuck out." He chuckles and looks between her and Bobby "Let's get the day locked down. Gonna be a huge one. Bobby anything from Galeen?" She and Jax move to leave but Bobby's voice stops them " Meeting is at two. Something we gotta Handel first." She arches a brow "What's up?" He doesn't look at her, speaking only to Jax "Bringing Clay to the table." She feels her hand twitch at the look on Jax's face. "Excuse me?" Bobby continues "He is gonna admit what he did with the nomads. Too Joy and Tara, all of it and we vote." She is stunned, he went behind Jax's back. Knowing what it could mean he went to Clay anyway. She clenches her fists, hissing through her teeth "Bobby what are you doing?" He glances at her as he moves to go down the stairs "My job kid."
She and Jax share a loaded look, this wasn't fucking good. They practically trip over each other as they head down stairs. She doesn't get time to tell her father or Juan what is going on before they are seated, but the way her husband is gripping her thigh, and the way her dad is trying to get her to look at him and not Clay at the end of the table leads her to believe they have an idea something isn't right. She can't take her eyes off of him as he speaks "I was lying in a hospital bed, thinking about all the shit I lost. I wasn't ready to let it go. I reached out to Frankie Diamonds. He was the one that suggested the home invasions. We figured we could rattle some of the folks close to the club, make it look like the MC was gonna hurt Charming and that Jax couldn't protect his own. Frankie pulled in Gogo and Greg. I promised to split my percentages when I got the gavel back." She grind her teeth, her hand clenching hard into fists at her side she knew her nails were drawing blood as Bobby talked, his eyes on the table " And attacking Unser at your house took the focus from you?" Clay nods, she snarls, her now bloody palms slamming down onto the wood of the table, making everyone jump as she stands, her voice like a sonic boom off the black walls. "And what about me Clay? Diamonds shot me point blank in the fucking stomach. If that had been Rita, her and the life of her unborn baby would be on your fucking head that I would gladly rip off your fucking shoulders given the smallest chance! Juan get the fuck off me!" She struggles as her husband yanks her down onto his lap, his arms locking around hers to keep her from struggling to much as Clay speaks directly to her "I didn't know you were buddy buddy with Eli's old lady, when they picked up the East Dub crew, I thought that was a good way to put the attacks on to Pope. And now with Jax working with him, I figured I could use it to help sway the club my way. I never wanted anybody to get hurt." She knows the sound of her half manic cackle bouncing off the walls isn't helping the situation. But she just can't believe the horse shit coming out of his mouth, Juan grabs her bloody hands in one of his and slaps his hand over her mouth she freezes through as Tig speaks for the first time since Clay started speaking " But they did. You hurt a lot of people." Seeing the pain in Tigs eyes as he looks over at her she lets the fight drain from her body, feeling the change Juan lets go of her mouth and just holds her in his lap. His grip is tight but comforting as Clay replies.
"You know, I-I don't expect anyone to believe this, and I ain't saying it wasn't 'cause of my pride and my greed, 'cause it was, but the main reason I was trying to push out Jax was because I didn't think he was ready to lead. This cartel shit, the pressure with the Irish, I didn't think he could handle it. I was wrong. He's proving to be a better leader than I ever was. I'll be in the garage." She watches him walk out, her eyes narrowed as the door closes. Moving from her husband's lap she yanks a black bandanna from her bag by her feet. Wiping at the bloody crescent shaped marks on her hands she listens to Jax "We heard his story. Vote has to be unanimous. Does anyone else have anything they'd like to say? All in favor of Clay losing his patch?" The vote is a solid yes across the board. She looks up as Jax says his next words "As far as the mayhem goes let's hear pros and cons." She is shaking as her eyes scan the table, her eyes locking on Chibs as she speaks " He's a traitor. I ain't buying this humble, "for the good of the club" bullshit. He's done." She nods, tears welling up in her eyes and spilling over as she grabs her husband's hand on her thigh. "I want to see the life drain from his eyes Jax. I can't fucking sleep at night without doping myself up because of the shit he set in motion almost killed me. If I don't I wake up screaming for my dad and husband because I'm scared they are next. Hell my god damned husband wakes up in cold sweats and shakes me awake just to make sure I'm not dead. I want him dead so this butterfly affect he started can fucking die with him." She rests her head on Juan's shoulder, his lips pressed against her forehead as she tries to slow her breathing.
Jax stares at her for a moment and nods "All in favor of Clay Morrow meeting Mr. Mayhem." Six yea, she looks to Bobby and her whole body goes numb as he speaks "No." She stares at him for a moment as Jax's bangs the gavel, barely hearing Chibs as he goes to get Clay. She stands. Bobby turns to her, his mouth open to speak but her hand claps against his cheek, some blood she had missed on her hand now on his reddened cheek.. She shoves him out of the way. Not realizing Jax was right behind her along with her husband, she almost runs into Clay as him and Chibs come back. She feels more then sees Jax move past her and fly into Clay, watching the two men grapple she feels her blood pump, standing back she doesn't move to help Chibs as he tries to yank Jax off Clay, the dull thud of Jax fist against the side of clays face gives her a sick kind of satisfaction. But it's cut short, she curls her lip as Chibs and Tig successfully yank Jax away from Clay. She walks over to Clay as the others are preoccupied with Jax, standing over the man she sees blood dripping from his temple and arches a brow "Looks like it hurts." Before he can speak the heel of her boot comes down and the sound of his nose breaking makes her smirk before she is yanked up off her feet by her father. " Enough Mija." She nods, she got her lick in, and the way the bastard was clutching his face made her anger levels drop somewhat. She feels Jax's hand on her arm, she lets him yank her away from the others and back into the clubhouse, looking back she gives her husband a look as he tries to follow. Jax needed her, only her it seems. He releases her as he shoves the doors to church back open, he all but collapses into his chair, she watches him with narrowed eyes as she closes the double doors behind her gently. The sound of her docs on the floor almost painfully loud as she makes her way to her seat.
Sitting she stares at Jax as he twirls a gold lighter between his fingers. She doesn't speak, and neither does he for the longest, but as she feels the silence about to swallow her and him whole the door opens. But as the person enters she wishes they would have stayed out if she was honest. She feels her whole body tense as Jax's chest starts to rise and fall rapidly, his body tense as his voice sends an uncomfortable chill down her spine. "You made a deal with him behind my back." She almost jumps as Bobby tosses Clay's jacket onto the table, she watches him with a heated glare. He refuses to look her way, keeping his eyes on Jax "We couldn't prove shit. We both know that. And there's no way that you could let Clay sit at this table. Me either. The shit he's done. He needed to go away, and if I didn't make this deal, you would've killed him as soon as we were finished with Gaalan." She slams her hands down, making their gaze jump to her "Wrong Bobby. You seem to think you're the only one who is looking out for Jax. I would do it because I want to watch his insides bake on the concrete outside." Bobby sighs " But kid
Do that once, next time just becomes a little easier, and before you know it, this thing that we have is pointless. I stopped jax from becoming the guy that you both wanted to kill. All your doing is being his god damned dog on a leash like Tig was for Clay." She almost leaps over the table to get at Bobby's throat, no one talked about Tig infront of her…..no one. But Jax's hand on her tattooed arm stops her. "You think this vote protects Clay?" She moves her arm out from under Jax's hand. Bobby looks between her and Jax, and for the first time she really looks at him. He looks tired, worn down and her anger slowly drains from her body. "You want him dead. Seems like the only choice today. But I know you, Jax. The right thing settles in."
She jerks as Jax's voice echos off the wall. Making her grind her teeth "And how is letting him walk the "right thing"?" Bobby holds Jax's gaze "I know you see it as betrayal." She feels her nose wrinkle and her eyes sting as he looks at her across the table "i know you both do. And I took that risk because I love you, both of you. And this club needs you two. We're broken." She clenches her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears, but Jax's next words rip a gut wrenching sob from her lips, " I've had a hard time feeling any love or brotherhood since Opie died." She slaps a hand over her mouth, her other hand resting on her stomach as she tries to keep it together. "You're just lost your way a bit, brother." She angrily swipes at her eyes, not caring if she looks a mess now, she sees Jax's eyes, bright and wet as he locks eyes with her and shakes his head "No, I found it, finally." She sniffs as he turns to Bobby "Opie was right. The gavel corrupts. You can't sit in this chair without being a savage." She feels like her world is crumbling as Bobby stares a Jax, tears in his eyes as he sighs "I know." She reaches across the table, her hand gripping Jax limp one as he sniffs. "You don't know shit." His grip slowly tightens on hers as he continues, the tears falling from his eyes make her heart break for him. "You counsel from fear. You want me moving in comfortable, cozy circles, and I can't do that." By the time he turns away from Bobby and releases her hand his grip was painfully tight on hers, turning the skin of her hand ashen gray from lack of blood flow. She turns her damp eyes to Bobby, staring at him hard for a moment she clears her throat, still flinching slightly at how raw her throat feels. "You should go."
She watches Bobby as he leaves, turning her eyes to Jax once the door clicks shut. His cheeks are wet and his eyes red. But he has no more tears now, she reaches into her bag, grabbing the pack of make up wipes she yanks one from the pack and scrubs at her face. Seeing Jax watching her with an odd look she glares and tosses it at his face, making him jerk a little and toss it off his chest where it fell. She couldn't help but chuckle, locking eyes with him again and she fell silent, her hand coming down to rest over his for a moment. "I'm with you brother." He nods, moving his hand out from under hers he pats it and turns to the door as it pushes open. Seeing her favorite Scott's men she gives him a weak grin, he nods to her and leans his hand on the chair in front of him. "Jackie boy. Sorry to bother you but August just called, and Pope wants a Meeting at Charming Heights." Jax turns to face Chibs. "When?" The Scott sighs "Now." He nods and turns to her "I need you to stay, chibs is going to come with me. I want you to get the guys ready for the deal later with Lin. He is closer to you than me so I want you at my side for this. Not Bobby." She nods, getting to her feet she leans down pressing a kiss to the top of his blonde head she pat Chibs on the arm as she passes. She needed to see her husband.
He wasn't far, she found him on the swing set. She leans against the gate as he stares off to the side, a blunt hanging from his lips, his hand grip the chains on either side of his head as he swings slightly, the sun gleaming off the multiple rings on his fingers, she glances at his eyes, seeing them already low lidded so she knew it wasn't his first one. He doesn't even notice when she takes the seat beside him, but when her fingers glide along his forearm to his hand he grips it tightly, letting them fall between them to swing. Turning to her he gives her a small grin. His dark brown eyes scan her from head to toe and she felt it like a warm caress. He brings her hand in his up to his lips, using his other hand he hands her the blunt while he kisses the back of her hand. " You've been crying." She nods, taking a deep pull she holds it, holding it back out to him he shakes his head, keeping her hand by his lips he presses kisses to her wrist and fingers. Making her smile. Her sweet husband, trying to heal her pain with good weed and kisses. What a man. She giggles and he smirks, his teeth biting down on her thumb playfully. Making her rip her hand back with false and over dramatic out rage, forgetting she was on a swing she shrieks as she falls back into the wood chip ground with a grunt, her calves resting where her ass used to be in the swing "Jesus Joy!" Her husband scrambles to get to her, kneeling on the ground next to her he lifts her head onto his lap. He calms when he realizes her body is shaking from laughter, he grins and picks wood chips from her hair as he tries to not wheeze as she starts to snort she was laughing so hard.
"I sometimes forget how much of a klutz you are until you do shit like this." Her giggles intensify as her free hand comes up to smack at his shoulder. The other one bringing the blunt she somehow managed to not drop to her lips with a smug grin. "Didn't drop the blunt though that's talent " his eyes locked with hers for a moment and he gave her a leering grin. "No what you do with your tongue that's talent." She stares at him gobsmacked before she is on him, forgetting about the blunt she drops it and starts smacking at her husband, cursing in rapid fire Spanish. And that's how her father found them when it was time to go. Never a dull moment for the Ortiz/Lowman bunch.
Henry Lin's Warehouse (Joys pov)
As her bike pulls to a hard stop in the Lin warehouse she grins, she remembered so many deals here. She also remembered unloading a good amount of the legal shit here as well. Everything she ever did before the club was to be ready for redwood. Every odd job, everybody she dropped had been to be here, standing full circle with Henry across from her this time. She accepts his hug and waves to the others behind me, receiving nods and grins in return. She steps to the side as Jax beings Romeo over "Henry Lin, Romeo Parada and his associate, Luis Torres." She take her place against the far dock door, pulling a pack of cigs from her her back pocket she watches Henry work, letting out a whistle of appreciation at the hardware his men were uncovering not being able to stop herself for speaking along with Henry "Russian Kornet with articulating tripod. Thermal sight, 9M133 missiles." Everyone turns to her, she shrugged, her guys grin and turn back to the deal. She stares off to the side, her mind wandering, keeping her focus somewhat on what was going down, until she hears two words that made her want to throw shit. " Three months." She tilts her head back, tossing her cig out the open dock door. She didn't even have to look at Romeo to know that was not what he wanted to hear.
She sighs, her eyes watching Romeo's back from behind her shades as he speaks lowly to Torres for a moment before turning to Henry "Ten Kornets. Hundred missiles. Two dozen Brownings, two dozen KS-Vs with quick-release silencers." Henry nods, everyone turning to watch Torres as he speaks, a black duffle in his hand "Once you figured out the Hamas express, we'll want drops every two weeks. Mayans MC will handle the transport. 250 down payment. Just let us know the balance." Henry shakes bother their hands " Absolutely. Looking forward to doing business with you." Romeo nods "You should. We're gonna make you rich." She is about to get on her bike as Romeo and Torres head towards Jax, Bobby and herself but Jax's hand grabs the back of her cut, keeping her in place. Asshole. Romeo locks eyes with herself for a moment then Jax "Galindo's getting pushed on two fronts by Lobo Sonora. We just lost Tubutama; we can't wait three months for them Kornets. We're gonna need another shipment of RPGs from the Irish before we kill that tie." She sighs, her hands on her hips, she stares past the guys, plans forming in her mind, possible outcomes of how this could work. That Irish fuck head will not be happy to hear about Clay being out, and when he does he might not give them what they need. She is shaken from her thoughts when Romeo's voice shakes her "Is that a problem? " She is about to yell yes but Jax beats her "Shouldn't be. I'll ask Gaalan at the pickup." Romeo shakes his head, a hand coming down on Jax's shoulder, making her hand twitch for her glock "Don't ask him. Tell him."
As the two men walk out and away she drops her mask of indifference and curses, her head falling back as Jax combs his hands through his already slicked back hair, his eyes wide and moving around rabidly as he thinks almost as if he was seeing his own thought process before his eyes. Her husband comes to stand next to her, his hand going up the back of her shirt to rest on her lower back. His warmth was a slight comfort. Jax finally nods and turns to the rest of the group. "All of us need to head back to the shop. I want Chibs and Bobby to get this shit rolling. Joy, can you go check on Tara for me let her know what's going down." She nods, turning to her husband as the guys head for their bikes, wrapping her arms around her husband's narrow waist she sighs, her cheek resting on the warm leather of his vest. His chin rests on her head. "You ok baby girl?" She nods, leaning more into him as one of his hands brushes down the back of her head in soft swipes, over and over again. "I'm ok. Just thinking about it all. Once I get it all cleared in my head I'll give you a peek inside. Ok?" She feels his chin brush her head as he nods. His lips pressing to the top of her head before he releases her reluctantly. She gives him a half hearted wave and sighs as he and the other drive off, turning to Henry as she sees them heading out as well. She nods her head and moves towards her bike, time to check on Tara.
The Hospital
She is laid back in Taras office, her body draped across the beige couch as she scrolls through her phone waiting for Taras break. When the woman in question sees her she smiles. "Joy. I see your making yourself at home." She smirks at her phone screen. "I have the amazing power of not giving a fuck where I am. I'm always comfort." Tara chuckles and walks over, gently pushing the other woman's legs from the seat so she could sit next to her, joy shoves her phone into the inner pocket of her cut and grins at Tara "So Jax got the deal locked down with henry and the cartel." Tara nods but she see the slight pinch in joys face and sighs "I hear an invisible but in there." Leaning back into the couch she sighs, closing her eyes she blurts out everything, just ripping it off like a band-aid. "But the guns won't be here for a while so now Jax has to meet with the kings and get them to drop a load of guns out their tight freckled fists one more time. And with clay not here that means Galaan will bitch so this might not go well."
When she doesn't hear a groan or even a sigh she peeks one eye open seeing Tara looking at her blankly she opens them both. "Don't look at me like that. The past few days haven't been exactly conductive mentally for either of us so forgive me if i expected a violent reaction….ass." Tara snorts and looks off to the side. "Sorry to disappoint you with not having another mental break down. My body just doesn't have it in it right now." She snickers and nods, but stops when Tara gets a nervous look on her face. "I know that look. Talk. What's wrong." She is surprised when the normally stand offish woman grabs the hand closest to her and holds it tightly. Joy is more worried than ever, her other hand resting on top of the on gripping hers. "I have still been working on the papers for the other hospital. And through all this and talking to the club lawyer today something occurred to me. If something were to happen to me or….to jax."
The hitch in Taras voice makes her pat her hand, as much and no one ever wanted to think about their family or partner dying that sadly never helped. All it did was make you more lost when it happened. "If that happened i don't know who would have Able and Tommy and Joy that scares me. I have no other blood family and I won't let Gemma raise them i won't. And with blood Wendy could possibly take Able and I don't want that either Joy. " She nods. No Gemma might have the deepest love to give like any other mother but hers had long been tainted by something inherently Gemma….something wrong. And wendy would have to take Able from her cold dead arms. When Tara turns her face to joy she sees tears in the woman's eyes and she yanks her hands from taras, her fingers wiping at the woman's pale cheeks, not understanding how to help. Until Tara's next words make everything click into place. "So talking with the lawyer i have named you and Juan as the people who will be their guardians." She feels the hot tears as they glide down her cheeks. Her hands move from Taras face to her own as she swipes at her cheeks roughly. Looking over she sees Tara watching her closely and she realized Tara actually thought she wouldnt want them. She sniffles and shakes her head. "I already love them like they were mine without overstepping. I would open my house and heart to those boys and Juan would too Tara. They would need or want for nothing because both of us would do anything to keep them happy. So if this gives you peace, do it. I already know Juan would be overjoyed, shocked but overjoyed." The woman's smile is bright and right there She sees the woman Jax sees all the time. As stern and logical as Tara was she was warm and beautiful when happy. Leaning over joy kisses her cheek with a nod. "Yeah. I have not one objection to that. But just know. Me and Juan might never leave here hun. Your boys would grow up here. Are you ok with that honestly?"
Tara stands, turning she leans back against her desks and sighs. "I know that. And if i'm honest it was one of the reasons i hesitated, and if i'm honest the only reason. But then i remembered how you grew up. Knowing about this life, it was never hidden like a secret or something shameful. And despite what you say about yourself your not a monster. Your good to my boys and everyone in that club who deserves it. And you dont shield able from it you let him know this isn't for him right now and send him on his way like the morning after Otto. So no.....i wouldn't mind them growing up here with the right mother and father besides Jax and myself." She stares at her rings as she twirled them around her fingers. She didn't realize the others knew she struggled with her nature. Sure Juan and maybe her father but to know on some level it was plain as the nose on her face made her want to hide away. Like a piece of her armour had been knocked off in battle. She speaks to Tara, her eyes still on her rings. "I struggle everyday with what i do for this club and to survive. Im not exactly martha fucking stewert. I don't know shit about kitchen knives but i know what blade to use to flay a man…..but i swear i would always love those boys and do right by them. Not manipulate but always have my hand out for them to grip on for balance. And thank you….it means alot to me." Tara is about to continue when her burner goes off, pulling it from her cut she sees Jax's name. Opening it she speaks "Im coming." Into the phone before hanging up and standing. Walking over to Tara she presses another kiss to her cheek." I love you Tara." She doesn't give the woman time to answer as she leaves, she had to slam down the gates on her emotions. The day isn't over yet.
The Barn
She gets to the barn just as the truck pulls up, she almost falls off the bike as shs skids to a stop in front of Jax and the other. Her prez was obviously worried she wouldn't make it, He practically yanks her off the bike as he hugs her. "Cutting it close sis." She pats his side as she hooks her sunglasses in the collar of her shirt. "I know. Got caught up talking to Tara." They make their way inside, she winks at her husband as he passes behind her. Smirking when his hand pats his ass as he does. She moved to follow him but Jax grips the back of her cut, keeping her on his left with bobby on his right. She sighs. She should have just kept the god damn patch at this point. "Where's Clay?" She and Jax both turn a sharp eye to Bobby. Clay would fucking be here and useful for once of bobby hadnt done what he did this morning. Bobby tosses the duffle of money on the ground between themselves and Gaalan. "He turned in his patch.It's been coming for a while."
Gaalan arches a salt pepper brow, his eyes bouncing between her and Jax. "He's out of the club?" She sees Jax sigh before finally speaking, her hand coming to rest on his back out of sight from the group before them. But very visible to their club behind them. "Look, Gaalan.
I know you blame me for Kellan's death.
And you're right, events in Belfast spun out of control.I just want to say, I liked the priest. He loved my dad. He sacrificed himself for my son-- I know that." She nods. She was proud of how level jax sounded. She tilts her head, a teasing lilt to her voice as she speaks makes Gaalan zero in on her. "And after you and our dear prezs little game of grab ass and your rambo impersonation i was personally hoping it might ease some of this tension." The man chuckles, she sighs. Her hand falls from Jax's back and she speaks plainly to Gaalan.
"Look Gaalan dispite what you might think about me i fucking hate the cartel. Mexican or not they are fucking up our day to day we all hate them.Romeo wants this shipment, one more. We give him that and we're done. No more them and everyone in our shit. Just The MC and the IRA can go back to business as usual. Sound?"
She wasn't surprised at his look of surprise at the use of irish slang. Her mom might not have raised her but she did her own research about the other half of her heritage. And as much as she might dislike Gaalan as well, a part of her felt kindred to him, his and chibs heavy broug as different as they might be, made her want to watch the old videos of her mother when her father would pick at her about her strong accent. She is shaken from her melancholy as the older man nods "Aye. Tis sound lass. For a little halfling your not all bad are ye." She opens her mouth to curse him but the doors on either side of the bar open. Both glocks are aimed on either side of her before they fully open and she starts cursing internally as Jax speaks to Romeo, his hands gently pushing her arms down. She doesn't put her guns back though. "What is this?" Romeo sighs "Talked to Damon Pope. Heard all about Clay. Thought we should come by and make sure the deal was moving forward. “I told you I would handle it." Jax’s tone was very obviously pissed but neither irish or catel cared as they glared at each other.
Luis eyes Gaalan with a curl of his lip "We know how stubborn the Irish can be."
Gaalan turns to look at the other man with a wide wicked grib "And we all know how ignorant you muppets can be." Romeo practically growls as he points to the gun crates "Put the guns in the truck." Gaalans voice echoes off the wooden walls "Don't touch the bloody guns."
She grunts as she elbows jax back behind her towards her father and husband. Knowing if shit got wild they would yank him behind cover. Her voice is practically a hiss as she speaks pointedly to luis and romeo “We all want the same thing here! You two pendejos aren't helping for shit. We had this under control until you put your size twelves in it pulling this macho man shit." Having not listened to shit she said Romeo instructs the man closest to Luis to grab a crate. She sees the gun in Gaalans hand just as he fires it. She doesn't think, turning to Jax she rams into his chest. Knocking them both back into her father and Juan. Her father yanks Jax down next to him. She presses tight into her husband's side as bullets fly over his head. She sees her father and Phil book it outside to safety. She sees a blur running towards bobby and jax and she roars "Bobby get down." The man hits the floor as she lays out one of Galindos men. All fire stops and she looks over to see Gaalan at gunpoint. She shoves her guns back into their holsters and watches with narrowed eyes as Romeo snatches up the duffle of money. Yelling for the man to put the crates in the truck, he grins at her and Jax who was radiating pissed off like a furnace. "This buy is on the MC. For killing my guys, and the inconvenience of our wait. We'll call it even." Jax yanks her back as she lunges for Romeo. He had no idea what he had set in motion, the kings won't let this slide.
As luis yells for Gaalan to get his pasty white out of there Gaalan passes her and Jax. Giving Jax a loaded look he stops "This is on you, boy." Jax just nods, as prez it was his mess. Didn't stop her from moving to shoulder herself between him and Gaalan. He wasn't an ally anymore. He turns his jade eyes to her, his gaze grows harder. It wasn't in her favor that she looked so much like the men currently holding him at gunpoint "Sons are gonna feel this on both continents Lass. Know that." She nods as he leaves, her body slightly shaking from the adrenaline drop as she and Jax turn, both of them coming face to face with a wary looking bobby. She cant help her angry at him, a part of her doesn't want to put it all on him. But if clay had been here. If the meeting had ended moments before the cartel showed. Maybe things would have been different. But they weren't. Like Jax she shoulders her way past bobby outside. The guys following behind closely. She and Jax glare down the men loading the truck for the next ten minutes, a cig hanging limp between her lips as she locks eyes with Romeo. Dead eyes. She inhales deeply for the last time and tosses it to the side. Turning as Jax marches back behind them to the group of men she turns to watch as he paces for a moment. Walking closer she leans against the precut logs chibs was sitting on as he too watches jax. When he sees everyone is close,he starts pushing out orders, his eyes bouncing between her and chibs. "Lock down the shop and alert families." She and chibs nod. He would take care of teller morrow, all she had to do was send a text to one person and the phone tree would set on fire. She had spent months making plans for anything. Deaths to club threats but this was the most ambitious, she made sure everyone involved in the club only had two people on speed dial. The person next on the list and her. Once each call was made she would get a text to confirm until the last person on the list confirmed the texts kept going. Opening her phone she sends a message to Lyla a simple phrase 'Start the fire.' She puts her phone away as jax turns to Tig his voice raising the more frustrated he gets "Get Tacoma down here." Tig walks off without a word and Jax steps closer to chibs and herself. "Gaalan is gonna try to hurt us." He was right. Gaalan didn't seem the kind of man to make idle threats. Jaxs puts his hand on chibs shoulder "I need you find Gemma, you have her call me. Ok everyone roll out and get packed. Be in by lock down or be locked out. She quickly heads for her bike her husband and father hot on her heels all of them stop as Jax calls Juice back. "Juicy, I need you for something. Sonshine go get his shit packed, we will all meet at the club house." She hesitates for a moment as her dad heads off with a nod. She lets her husband pull her tight to his chest as he kisses her forehead. "Go baby. You know what to pack. Get sonny ready and i'll be there before you have time to miss me." she snort, pressing a kiss to his shirt covered chest. "Too late." She pulls away from him and locks eyes with Jax. "Keep my husband safe." He grins "always darlin." She rolls her eyes and walks off as the man laughs. These guys wouldn't know safe of it gave them head.
Clays house (Juan pov)
He and Tig had decided to give Clay, Miles and Rat and escort back to the shop. Well Tig wanted to do it and Juan didn't want him alone. As they make it to the cabin Tig knocks, he hangs back his shade covered eyes watching their surroundings. The irish were sneaky bastards. Once the door is open he and Tig quickly file in and lock the door. Walking over to rat and miles he sighs "Fuck the rest of his shit. Galindo fucked up the Irish deal and no Son is safe anywhere. Get his clothes and ill pack his guns, i know what he uses. Get moving we don't have much time until lock down." He watched the guys split up and he looked around as Tig and Clay talked about what happened. Seeing Clay's gun bag he opens it up and freezes. He sees the reaper holster, the nine and he grins. He is shaken from his memories by Clay's voice "You always did like it." He nods, watching clays large hands pull the gun from the holster. Bright silver with the black reaper handle. Shit was as beautiful as he remembered.
He watches clay aim it towards the wall before putting it back in the holster. "Piney gave it to me for my five year. I always thought I would give it to opie." He nods, his throat closing up, he clears his throat to fight back the sight of opies face. Not now, stay focused. He sees the gun being held out to him. "Clay come on." He shoves it back but the man passes his hand and presses it to his chest. "I get I'm not like a dad to you no more kid. Things i did to joy and you destroyed any of that but least i can do is give someone something i cant use anymore. So take it. Hell give it to the kid. She might put it in a shadow box with the day i died on it." He smirks and shoves the gun and holster into his inner pocket. "Or kill you with it." The older man chuckles. "Looking forward to it." He snickers and grabs the gun bag, and heads for the van. Making sure everything is in he heads for the bike. Lock down was approaching fast and if he knew his wife he knew she would shoot anyone who tried to close it with him outside of it.
Teller Morrow Garage
She volunteered to watch the outside as her father, Chucky, Unser and her father got the grill hot, with the amount of people here best idea was to have a potluck and bbq. Old rap plays from her phone next to her, her head bobbing and lips moving as her eyes scan the still open gate and full parking lot keeps her hands on the table under her, both her glocks next to each hand. She hears the bikes before she sees them. She smirks as Tig and her husband pull up in front of the van holding Miles and Rat. As Tig and her husband pull their bikes into the line. She nods to the guys as they pass her and go into the club house. When her husband and tig walk up with clay not too far behind her smile drops. Her husband kisses her cheek with a chuckle, his lips brushing her skin as he whispers "Down cujo. Gaalan called him on the way here." She arches a brow over her husband's shoulder to clay as he passes them without a word. "Fine….but he breaths wrong im playing baseball with his kneecaps." She lets her laughing husband pull her inside as miles and rats come back out to take over her watch duty.
Everyone had been here for about an hour now and despite the reason for being here it was fun and everyone laughs all around. She hugged a few of the Tacoma boys she recognized, Kozik being one of them. She had missed him when he went back but he seemed to be keeping on the straight line where drugs were involved and she was so proud of him. She was watching her father talk to Lyla with a grin, he was leaning back against the pool table as Lyla lined up a shot. When the ball hits the pocket she smirks at one of the Tacoma prospects who thought she had been an easy target, poor kid. She bumps fists with Nero before turning back to talk to Happy. She feels her husband come up behind her, his hands snaking around her waist to rest low on her stomach. She turns her head to the side, kissing the side of her husband's stubble covered cheek as he rests his chin on her shoulder. "Why are you grinning like that beautiful?" She giggles, taking her bottom lip between her teeth. She places her hand on the side of her husband's face, making his gaze line up with hers. She knows he sees them too when he hums. "Now that's different. But oddly enough would make sense." She smirks. "exactly. I doubt much will happen for now. With Opie and all which i agree with, grive fully and never rebound. But i see something….something good in that possible future." She closes her eyes as her husband presses kisses to her cheek. "Look at you. Little miss matchmaker." She snorts and turns in his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck she gets on her tiptoes to press a kiss high on his cheek. Beaming up at him she says "Matched myself up with you didn't I?" He nods with a grin, his hands rubbing her ass before he surprises her and yanks her up by the thighs. She shouts as he heaves her body up his torso, her thighs clinch his sides as he carries her through the crowd of laughing sons, her protests and threats of body mutilation falling on deaf ears. When he plants her on the pool table she goes to swipe at him with her nails but he catches her wrist and holds it to his chest as he catches her lips.
All the fight leaves her body, her free hand gripping the side of his cut she yanks him closer. The world falls away as he surrounds her, his hand gripping her now limp wrist moves to the back of her neck. But their moment is short lived as one of the balls from the table hits her left thigh making her jump and look that way. Seeing a smirking Lyla with a chuckling nero and Happy over her shoulders. She nero's her eyes at her father. "Et tu, Brute?" Her father shrugs and grabs the pool cue from Lyla as Nero pats her shoulder "We're currently hiding the corner pocket Leona." She smirks at the nickname, Lioness. Well played Nero. She slides off the table Jax walks by them but she clenches her eyes as he freezes next to her, the venom in his voice makes it obvious who he is speaking too. "Why is he here." She pecks Juans lips one more time before turning to plant herself next to Jax. Clay looks even more broken than she remembers. Hunched over be tilts his head at Jax "Gaalan reached out to me. He wants the guns or the money or wendy is dead." She whips her head around to stare wide eyed at chibs, he makes a snatching motion and she sighs. She must have been at the hospital, she would grill him about it later. "Does Gaalan know wendy isn't Jax's wife?" Clay chuckles "Believe me kid i could hear wendy in the back shouting that and a lot of other stuff about Jax to prove as much. He says do it anyway or Able will be going back to Belfast." She snarls, jax holding his arm out in front of her to calm her. But her anger and frustration builds as Bobby chimes in "four hundred and seventy five thousand dollars. We pay back the Italians and Nero we ain't even close." She moves to stand behind chibs as Tig adds on "And there is no way we are getting the guns back from Romeo." She plants a hand on Chibs shoulder, his hand comes up to pat her. Chibs always knew how to center her, help her pull herself out of panic. Even without a word. Forever her mentor and guide.
She looks up as Nero clears his throat, pool cue in hand, his eyes bouncing around to lock eyes with them all before settling on Jax "I'm sorry. Couldn't help but overhear and I may have a solution." She locks eyes with Jax. She sees him tossing thoughts around and finally his eyes clear and he nods his head to the door before looking at Clay, she heads for the door as Jaxs tells Clay to get out. She sees her husband off to the side, headphones in his ears as he works on a few hard drives on the table before him. Leaning against the far wall she watches him from afar. He was deep in his tech mode and she refused to break that trance. She smiles as his lips move rapidly as he raps along to something she can't catch from how fast his lips move, but his grin is amazing. She feels someone at her side, the scent of clove and sandalwood makes her arch a brow. "Tiggy. Do you trust me?" Tigs arm lands around her shoulder as he leans on the wall next to her. A beer in his hand he takes a deep pull before replying. "Without question kid. Why?" She tilts her head to the side to look up at him. "I know none of us but Clay will be delivering that money when we get it." Tig nods, people doubted him so much but he was quicker than people gave him credit for. "Go with him. I don't trust him alone, let alone around Gaalan. So if he goes. Go with him. If not for the club or Jax. For my peace of mind?" Tig thinks on it for a moment before pressing a kiss to the side of her head and heading off into the crowd. She knew he would, she hated putting him so close to Clay so soon. But Tig was Clay's right hand for years. Clay wouldn't think twice of Tig going with him. She scrubs her face with her hand before pushing off the wall she sighs. So much to do and only so many hours.
Many hours later (Teller Morrow)
Wendy had been rescued and left twenty minutes ago in a huff, muttering to herself about fuck knows what. The last of the Sons from the lock down had hit the road and she was currently restocking the bar and her husband and father talked behind her. Something about new ink for Juan. Tara and Jax had yet to come down and that worried her. Turning to grab another bottle of turkey she sees Jax and the look on his face makes her pause. He speaks to Nero and Chibs for a moment before locking eyes with her. He shakes his head, she nods and gets back to stocking the bar as her father speaks to Jax. She feels someone at her side a moment late. She knows its jax from the scent of Marlboro and that damned hair gel he used that was a little too spicy for her nose. Once the shelf is stocked full she turns to him, he is leaned next to her and watching everyone. "You know I believed you earlier today." She arches a brow and chuckles "I said a lot of shit i meant earlier today. Refresh my memory brother."
She leans her upper body down on to the bartop. He stands next to her and copies her, their arms touching as he stares at the movement around them. "When you said you were with me. I know you are Joy. I don't doubt you on any front. I just…" She wants to look at him, but she knows it won't help. Bless these tough men they didn't understand how to communicate without showing fierce emotion. "I just don't know how to work this all out without Opie. I could say any idea or do any dumb thing and he would be there to help me realize why it was dumb in a way that would get through to my thick skull. And now that he is gone. Im worried about the gavel joy…." It took her a moment to understand what the last part meant. Then she remembers in church with Jax, Bobby and herself. The Gavel corrupts. Saying a mental fuck it to pretending this wasnt a serious conversation she turns to Jax, even as he refuses to do the same she speaks direct at him.
"The gavel will change you Jax. It's a hard and heavy weight that can crush a weaker man or woman. And you werent ready at all and didnt fucking want it. But jax the way you're doing this. Getting it spread out among the other groups so everyone can get some food in their mouth. It's amazing Jax. Be proud of that." He nods, having enough of him not looking at her she moves around the bar to stand before him, grabbing his face between her hands to stop him from moving. Hazel meets blue as she makes sure he understands her "And trust that I will keep one of my last promises to Opie. Too keep you grounded, to be a solid wall to slam against when you cant fucking stop yourself. Always know that i have no issues stopping you." She gives him a grin "Even if i have to break a few bones. You'll live to redeem yourself in my eyes." he gives her a very weak grin and pulls her hands from his face. Grabbing the back of her head he pulls her in to kiss her forehead. "I'm sorry in advance for breaking your heart sonshine." She remembers what she said to Tig and Chibs. "But you all wouldn't be mine if you made it easy to love you." He nods, looking past her she turns to see Chibs with a phone in his hand. "Heres Tig Jackie." Jax grabs the phone from him and heads towards the doors to church. She sighs as Bobby goes to stop him, she leans back against the bar as Bobby calls to him when he refuses. "Jax we gotta talk this shit out." The way Jax halts his steps set her on edge. And the face that turns to greet bobby isn't Jax. It's their new president, a man she is only just beginning to learn was a whole other man all together. "I said no." He closes in on bobby and she shakes off chibs as he goes to stop her. She wasn't letting shit slide anymore, she was done running. As she closes in on them she hears Jax loud and clear "Im sure the right thing will settle in. But right now if i'm alone with you VP i'll tear your goddamn head off." Getting next to them she places a hand on Jax's arm holding the phone. Keeping her eyes on Bobby who is currently watching her with dark narrowed eyes "Go talk to Tiggy jax. I got this." She felt Jax's arm tense under her hand but didn't ask why. It wasn't the time. She makes sure the door is closed behind her firmly before she speaks to the older son before her.
"Did you honestly fucking think he would want to talk? Not hours after your screwball set a shit ton of butt ugly on our heads?" The man just stares hard at her, refusing to reply. "You are obviously not thinking through shit bobby. You want this club to be better, I get that but the way you did it. Behind his back out the gate fucked up any possible trust in you as his VP." She expects him to see reason, if not the main reason Jax is angry. The new prez had fought his way through the lies of his family, the people meant to never wish you harm, found a plot to kill the mother of his children and also the possibility that his father was also murdered. By the same man. He had hoped to find a new family, build from us a family that wouldn't l harm him. That would support and the first act of his new VP is a plan behind his back. Another scheme. It was the act and the person it saved that was the hardest part to swallow for Jax. She got that, maybe Bobby just couldn't. He steps into her space, his voice the angriest she heard directed at her before. "Don't presume to tell me what I should do, Joy. At the end of the day you gave this patch up willingly to me. So stand down."
Pressing her pink nailed hands to his chest she shoves him back hard, he didn't expect it and falls back into the pool table. Her husband and Chibs make their way over as she speaks directly to Bobby. "Don't speak to me like a goddamn child Elvis. I gave that patch to a man I thought would do right by not just the club but the man who stayed to keep us all out of jail at not just his expense but his wife and children's as well. Man the fuck up and speak your fucking mind next time you have opinions. Don't pull that shit again Bobby or I swear to god I'll take you back to the table for my god damn patch back and to save trouble I'll tear it from your cut while it's still on you!" Her husband, having heard enough, wraps his large arms around her middle, locking her once waving arms to her side. She wasn't done though. "Because I'll be damned If you hurt him or this club again." She lets her husband drag her out, the cold air makes her overheated skin break out into goosebumps. She stands next to her father's ink station in the garage. Juans hands rub her upper arms as she watches her father pull on his black gloves, her body slowly losing its tension as the machine comes alive and the buzz is a soothing note in the air. She sees two guns and arches a brow, looking at her father again she sees him holding a pair of gloves out to her and she smiles. She had learned to do tattoos by watching her dad do them. Her first tattoo she did on a body was on her father. Around his collar bone area there was a phrase "I live, I die, I kill for my family." The letters were blocky and some funny looking but he let her do it without thought and she loved him more for it then he would ever know.
Pulling the pink velvet scrunch from her wrist she holds it behind her to her husband as she grabs the other low roller chair next to her dad. Pulling on a pair of gloves like her dad he points out things and asks her to name it just to make sure her knowledge on the subject hadn't slipped. Once she proved herself to her father he goes back to setting up the ink cups. Everyone looks up as the garage office door opens, she hadn't realized the guys had trickled in during the pop quiz her father gave her. The garage was filled with sons. All eyes on Clay as he makes his way to the chair between her father and herself. When he plops down he glances at her, looking down at the black kabar on her thigh before locking eyes with her again. With a roll of her eyes she slides the kabar from its sheath and flips it mid air, grabbing the blade loosely she hands it to Clay and watches as he slides the strap of his black tank, revealing the reaper on his shoulder blade, he stabs her blade roughly into the wooden table top and she arches a brow but says nothing. No one spoke as she and her father went about roughly blocking out the reapers on the older man's skin. Blood and black ink leak onto the black gloves on her hands, making the once matte latex glint in the light. Once her part in all this is done she put the gun down, her body felt as if it had been drained, any rage or possible sympathy she felt for the man before her was gone. Seeing the once proud man reduced to a black ink splattered shell soothed a lot of the pain she carried around recently. Pulling the gloves from her hands she stands, walking over to her father she kisses the top of his tattooed skull, locking eyes with Bobby she stands to her full height. Now that the rage wasn't pounding in her ears like a heartbeat she could see the conflict and lost look in Bobby's face. She walks over, knowing her husband wasn't far behind she kisses the older man's bearded cheek and walks away. As good a sorry as she could give knowing that everything she said had truth to it. She had a sinking feeling that another change was coming. How big would that change be? Only time would tell.
Next morning (Joy Pov)
Warmth, that's the first thing she feels as she wakes, and when she finally reaches full consciousness she realizes why. Looking to her side she sees Juans pillow is missing its namesake. But looking down she sees a lump where her stomach is, it makes her grin. For a moment she looked pregnant until the lump moved and she pulled the covers up slightly and could not help but feel her heart melt a little. Her husband's head was resting below her breast, his arms curled under her back as he clutched her in a tight but comfortable grip. Watching him sleep she takes in the beauty of him, his soft skin being revealed bit by bit as she pushes the covers off of them. Making her husband curl into her more to steal more of her warmth. She brushes her fingers along the tattoo on the left side of his scalp, she knows he is slowly waking because he is nuzzling his face into her stomach. A poem comes to mind and when he looks up at her with sleepy, heavy lidded eyes, a small smile is his gift to her. She smiles as the words spill from her lips. "You're next to me and I'm half asleep, wondering what I did to deserve this moment - to deserve you. And while you're here, breathing easily. All I can think about is what I can do tomorrow to be better for you then I was today."
He gifts her with open mouth kisses along her belly button and hips over her boy shorts, his hands having pushed her sleep shirt up to her chest to get access to more bed warm skin. "Fuck i love when you do shit like that." She giggles as he speaks into her skin, his hands sliding under her lower back, forcing her to arch and her legs to fall open more as his kisses move upward. His hands shove her shirt over her head. Tossing it off the side of the bed he hovers over her as she tries to get her hair out of her face. Looking up at him she sees his once sleepy eyes are watching her. The smile on his face is blissful and only for her. Reaching her hands up she holds his face between them, the way he leans into the gentle touch pulls at her heart. Her beautiful strong husband was such a gentle man, she hoped this life wouldn't rob him of that. She would give up her humanity to protect him if she had too, as long as he was always going to be here, like this. His lips on her forehead wash away her dark thoughts like rain water.
Her eyes, which she hadn't realized had closed to prevent him seeing the pain in them blink open, seeing him watching her. "Welcome back." She cant help but sigh, which quickly turns into a gasp as he rolls them, his strong grip on her hips keep her from toppling over as he now lays with her straddling his lean hips. The way he folds his hands behind his head and smirks up at her makes her bite her lip and her cheeks flushes as his eyes take in her bare chest, even after living with and being with him he still made her body heat with a look. Moving her hair over one shoulder she lays her chest flat against her husband's, her head under his chin. His hands are now combing over her head and curling her hair around his fingers. For a moment they are still except for his fingers curling into her hair and her body rising and falling as he breathes deeply. She is slowly falling back asleep when the chest under hers vibrates as her husband speaks "Jax is up to something involving clay." Curling a fist under her chin she uses her other hand to grab the discarded blanket and pulls it back over her now naked back. "What makes you think that." He isn't upset she questioned him, in fact it made him grin. "When Jax asked me to stay behind the other day after the irish he only wanted to ask me a favor. 'I need clays gun. No questions right now. I need it.” she lifts herself up enough to get more comfortable, stretching her legs out she moves to his side to rest her head on his shoulder, looking into his eyes she arches a brow. "The one currently at the shop wrapped up in a shirt." He smirks and kisses the tip of her nose. "Yes nosy shit." She snickers and smacks his chest, he laughs and rubs the sting away. "He wanted me to get it to you. I don't know why but he wants you to put it in his side saddle on his bike." She sighs, he was plotting alone again. She was getting so fucking tried of this behind closed door shit that had been going down since the cartel popped up. She can't say Jax wasn't doing good things but the way he was doing them was gonna make her go grey. "Your right. I'll see whats up but if i'm honest we won't know much until shit pops off and we all have to drag his ass out of danger." She cups her husband's cheek and pulls him in for a kiss when her phone rings from the nightstand. She growls under her breath and reaches back for it.....let the games begin
Time Jump
Once she got to the shop things had been crazy. She barely had time to do what jax asked her but she did it. And now hours later she stood beside Nero as he spoke to the shop owner "Nero they fuck up my shop, come in and take anything they want and now Dante says we have to pay triple two for protection?!' The pretty hispanic woman sighs "I mean we all know you split but what are we supposed to do now?" Nero sighs and holds up his hands “Okay. I get it, Carmella. I'm sorry I let this happen but i'm here now. I swear." He grabs her hands and holds them "We will handle Dante, Mi vida." She tosses her cig to the street as Nero walks over to them. "So what's the plan boss man." He brushes a hand down his face.
"We need to cut off the goddamn head. Dante, he's running out of a rag warehouse, two blocks, at the end of Palm. Fights are in progress." She nods, Juans hands squeezing her shoulders. "Is he there now? Anyone scooping him out?" The man next to Nero shakes his head"Not sure. All of our faces are too well known around here to play double o seven" she snickers, looking over to Jax when he taps her arm as she is the main one next to him. "Ok let the white boys and slightly tan girls." She hisses at him and smacks his shoulder. "Tan!?!? I am a light sepia goddess. You redneck Tarzan." He grins but ignores her, he continues on. "let us go in, just a few fight fans. We'll see what we're dealing with."
Nero nods and she walks over to her bike, she strips off her cutte, her black lace up side high waisted jeans cover her lower stomach, but the cute pink halter crop top with the words 'brat' shows enough of her stomach to keep her cool on this hot day. bobby asks "How big is this crew?" Nero tilts his head for a second before replying "Last i knew fifteen." She is shooting off a quick text message as the man next to him shakes his head. "Nah they have been busy. More like twenty." She is pulling off her thigh and chest holster as hands her guns to her husband since her outfit wasn't loose enough to hide anything. Nero replies "If that's true with just us it's a little light." Her phone goes off and she yanks it from her back pocket with a grin. "Think again." Everyone turns to see her waving her phone with a grin "Cholo Calvary is inbound." Her husband smirks and reaches over to pat her on the ass. "That's my girl." Making the guys chuckle as she smiles brightly, her hips doing a little wiggle at the praise. Her father reaches over to yank her head close enough to kiss her temple.
Once they get to the place and on the lift of the building the sound of dog barking makes her reach out for the closest hand. Tig grips her hand back just as hard as Bobby opens the lift door. The others scatter to different corners but she and Tiggy don't release each other as they watch with Horror as the poor dogs tear each other apart. Her mind flashes to sonny. Her sweet little prince in the dog's place and seeing the raging bloodlust on the shouting mens faces makes her stomach roll. The fight is over quick and she watch a dark skin man lift the wounded white dog and walk away. She knows what happens next. Tapping tig are rapidly she whimpers "Tiggy. We can't let him." He nods and he gives her hand a reassuring squeeze and they both follow behind them man. Not realizing the others saw them. They make it to the back and her legs give out as she sees the trash cans filled with the bodies of precious dogs. All torn and slaughtered. She doesn't realize Alex has left her until she hears him say "I'll blow your goddamn head off." Her husband and father see her on the ground and rush to her. She points to the trash cans and her husband curses and helps her off the ground. Standing between her and the trash cans he holds her face in his hands "I know baby. But we can't help them now. But you saved one. Come on." She nods and lets him drag her around the corner as Tig points behind her and Juan as Jax grabs his head to make him focus "Look at this shit its so wrong." Jax nods "I know but it's not what we are here for." Walking over she grabs Tigs gun from him gently. He locks eyes with her and she nods to the beautiful dog in the kiddy pool by her feet who was licking her father's hand as he spoke softly to it. "Watch her." He nods and she walks over to the man knelt on the ground. Pressing the gun between his eyes she arches a brow "One question dickbag. Dante. Where is he?" The man points behind him "Through there. Uses the supply room as an office." She nods and hands the gun to Tig. "Piss off. And leave the dog." The man takes off as she kneels down to gently hold the dogs face in her hands. Smiling as the dog licks her cheek. "Hello love. My friend phil here is gonna carry you to your ride ok. Your not gonna fight anymore." The dog keeps licking her face and Jax taps her arm "Let's go mother pupresa. We got work to put in." She nods to phil and takes her glocks from her husband as she stands. Making her way in she sees Chibs break the lock and all hell breaks loose. Her father levels a man rushing them and she holds her guns on Dontae as Jax yells. "Put the guns down!" Dante just stares and she smirks, getting in front of him she holds one gun to his head the other to his dick. "Cough wrong. Give me a reason." He curls his lip but tells them to lower the guns she hears Jax yell and she naturally runs, smart move on her part as the room floods with Dantes crew as he yells
"I WANT THE BITCH. KILL THE OTHERS!" Making it outside she sees the gate bust open. And moves to the side as Nero and his crew take out of a few of the men following behind. The remainder of Dante's crew are quickly held down by the Mayans. She laughs and they roll through on their bikes whooping and shouting. "Fucking love you crazy bastards!" Her joy is short lived as Dante and another man run back inside and lock the door. She takes off at a full sprint as she yells over her shoulder "Dantes running. TAKE DOWN THE REST." It's quiet as nero,chibs, jax and herself move around the high stacks of boxes. All of them take different paths she is just about to turn down another way when the sound of a punch makes her take off back behind her she sees Chibs as he stabs the man who was with Dante. Using all her body weight she shoves him against one of the boxes, her fists crack against his cheek and temple. He grabs her by the hair making her shriek but the pain is short lived as he is yank off of her by Jax. She watches with glee as the man's face is shoved into a bag of nails. His screams making shudder at the agony in them, but her mind flashes back to the trash cans of dogs and she feels nothing again. They all jump into action as Nero's voice fills the warehouse "He's running!" They take off towards the sound. Shs stares at Neros back as he takes off after Dante and finally catches him at a window. She releases a short burst of laughter as Nero laughs as he pushes Dante through the window. Mother fucker was nuts. Once they all get through the window she sees a woman yanked from her van. But lucky her own dog was inside. And currently using Dante as a chew toy. Nero holds the door with his body and she leans next to him with a smirk. "That's gonna leave a mark." She leans down to watch the dog as Jax chuckles, punching her arm as she coos at the dog "Whos a good protector. You are. Good doggo." Nero heaves a sigh, his lip twitching as he tries not to laugh "We should probably let him out yeah?" Chibs smirks "That would be the good catholic thing to do." She snorts and shakes her head "I'm neither good nor Catholic so i guess he is puppy chow." All the guys around her laugh.
Back at Teller Morrow
When they got back to the club house phil, tig and herself went straight to the pool table with Dr.Chibs. She laid on her side on top of the pool table as the dog rested next to her, she gently brushed a hand over her ears and head as Chibs worked on the animal's leg wound. Her husband's hands grip and rub her thigh as he stands behind her. He knew she was shaken seeing so many dead animals. Killer his wife may be but when it came to animals. She was so sensitive to them. Thats where her and Tig bonded alot. She reaches down to grip one of her husband's hands in Silent thanks as she coos to the dog as it whimpers. "Its ok baby. Chibs is just gonna make you all better. I know it hurts." Tig pats her arm as Jax walks over "So that was one of Nero's boys. He found the breeder who is supplying the dogs. Wants us to shut it down." She nods and sits up as Tig replies "I'll gut that bitch." She grabs her bowie knife of the coffee table "i call his balls." The guys all shifted a little at that, knowing she wasn't joking. She and Tig grab their weapons of choice on the table and head for the door. Just as Chibs speaks "Lets go." Jaxs stops him "I'm gonna take Tig and Joy." Chibs shakes his head "Notta chance. You don't know what your walkin into." Jax stands firm and soon enough they are pulling. Up to a warehouse. She and tig strip off their helmets and walk ahead of Jax just as she hears a gun be cocked.
She reaches for her own but Jax's voice stops her making her turn to see the one thing she never wanted to see. One gun trained on her, another on Tig....and Jax holding both. Her face pales as Tig tries to move towards Jax and Jaxs hisses at him "Dont fucking move. Either of you." Her hands shake as she holds them up. He locks eyes with hers and nods "All weapons down. And kick yours away Joy your aim is too good to trust." She and Tig follow instructions. She keeps quiet as Tigs breathing picks up and he finally yells "What is going on Jax!?" She hears the approach of a car and her eyes narrows at the unmistakable Rolls Royce kicking up dirt and it all clicks into place. How they got out, how tig made it out with them. Jax was gonna go in but Opie some how did it first......Tig was always the chip. Because of what happened with clay. Forcing Tig to take action and kill Pope daughter. To do what he thought was right. Once again Clays lies were catching up to them.
Her rage is violent as she yanks Tig back behind her and Snarls at Jax "I'll kill you if they touch him. Ill fucking kill you all." Tigs arm wraps around her shoulder as she shakes, Gripping his arm she eyes the men getting out of the car as Tig groans. "Jax no. Come on man." Jax shakes his head "I'm sorry." She seethes "No. But you will be." Pope snaps and two men appear next to them. She and Tig are ripped apart and she shrieks, she is held back as the other man searches Tig. She is then searched herself before being tossed back at Tig. She wraps her arms around his middle. Gripping onto the man for dear life, her body shakes as Tig combs a hand over her head. Trying to calm her in a moment when she should be comforting him "Your really gonna give me to him Jax? After what he did to my Daughter. Its could have been Able, fuck it could have been sonshine here if hap had done it you bastard!" Jax yells at Pope to shut tig up and she crumbles to the ground with Tig his kidney is hit from the back. Using her legs she kicks out at the man who hurt Tig "Leave us alone you Bastard i swear to god ill bathe in your entrails for this." She is dragged away from Tig by her legs, she lands a kick and crawls back to him sobbing. He holds her on the ground with him as Jax speaks to Marks. He rocks her "Don't cry kid. Please kid don't cry." She grips a hand into his cutte. Whimpering when she and Tig are both pulled up from the ground. "Tie him up on the garage." She shrieks as he is being pulled away but Jaxs stops him "I want the Cutte." She growls and jerks in the arms holding her back. "Have you not taken enough from him Jackson for Christ Sake!?" The man approaches Tig and she struggles more "Please." The men stop, staring at the shaking and sobbing woman, for once looking her young age and her Golden eyes lock with Pope. "Let me take it off him. I'm all he has left." She was surprised when pope nods. Walking over on shaking legs she looks at the two men on either side of Alex. He reaches up and holds her face in his hands. Giving her forehead a hard kiss he whispers. "i love you kid. Best friend i ever had." She whimpers and slides the Cutte from his shoulders. He is instantly jerked away from her and into the warehouse. Her legs give out and someone catches her, apart of her knows it's Jax and she wants to struggle but she can't. Crushed under the weight of losing another brother all she can do is sob "Alex......Tiggy." Jax buries his head into the side of her hair and she hears him talking. She tries to stop sobbing and shaking to hear him "Trust me. Its hard but trust me ill fix it i promise." She pushes him away and stands. Clutching tigs cutte to her chest she watches Jax with narrow and tear swollen eyes as he walks over to his saddle bag and something clicks. Clays gun. As tumblers fall into place she watches Jaxs in slow motion as he paints the side of Popes car red with brain matter. Seeing him race into the warehouse she uses the hand not clutching the cutte to grab a silenced glock and runs after him. Seeing him take out one of Pope men she kills the other. Tig, who was thankfully alive, rams Pope as he tries to shoot them. Falling his gun lands at her feet, holding her gun on him she grins wildly "Do it. I dare you." He jerks and Jax appears at her side to grab the gun on the floor. She watches Jax as he hands Clays gun to Tig. Pope growls at Jax "You redneck bitch. Do you have any idea what will happen to who ever kills me?" A small smile ticks up Jaxs lip "Im counting on it."
She moves away as Tig blows Pope brains out the back of his skull. Walking over to Alex she wraps her arms around him. His arm not holding the gun grips her cutte. Hearing movement next to her she lifts her head, her gun held between Jaxs forth and fifth rib. "Give me one reason not to kill you prez. One." He holds his hands up "I couldn't tell either of you. He would have picked up on it if Tig was off or if joy wasnt like she was. You know that." She did but the Image of Jaxs holding a gun on her still made her gun hand shake "He could have shot him right away Jax. Then what!?" Jax nods "But he didnt. I know that's not the best thing to say but he didnt and the plan worked. Im so fucking sorry to do that but i had to be done. We would never be free. Tig wouldn't get closure." Logic, sense, it was shooty but planned out. Pope dies at the hands of a man she and Jax want dead more than anything. And with Pope being an OG the bounty would be set and Clay would be dead before his hearing. Releasing Tig she lets him hug Jax, their eyes locked over the man's shoulder. Today something changed. Today she saw how far Jax was willing to go on his own. And she didn't know how to feel about it
The club house
Sitting across from her husband in their old room he stares in wild eyed shock as she nods, her wet hair dripping onto the sheets. She had felt so dirty when they got back that she had passed everyone and went upstairs to shower. Now dressed in some cotton shorts and a hoodie she lights up a blunt, inhaling deeply. She told him everything, her father would be next but she needed Juan right now. "Jesus baby. I didn't know he was going to…..i.....i never would have let you go with him alone if i knew." She lets him yank her onto his lap, her legs thrown over the side as She held out the blunt for him, he tilts his head and lets her hold it for him as he inhales. His hands to busy rubbing and gripping her legs, sides, her face as he tries to calm himself. Holding his inhale he replies "I love you baby. Im so fucking sorry you had to live that. Fuck i could strangle him. Was Opie not enough?" She exhales the smoke along with him. Filling the room with the smell of gas and apple wrapping paper "Apart of me knows he was right. Pope would sniff out a fake performance for a mile. But i feel so hollowed out. I know tig is alive, i know Jax didn't really betray either of us but i still feel it." She waves a hand "Maybe it's that i feel used by him. And that alone makes me feel dirty." He nods and presses his lips to her forehead. Taking the blunt from her he takes another hit. "And your allowed to feel how ever the fuck you please. Jax knew what might happen if he did this. Trust and loyalty only go so far until the broken pieces just don't fit right anymore. So your going to heal from this. And i'll be right here if Jax has anything to say i'll handle him." She cant help but grin watching her husband blow smoke off to the side, his jaw tight and sharp she cant help but draw her tongue along its shape making him look at her with wide eyes. "You have no idea how hot you look when your angry daddy." he chuckles and shakes his head, taking in her low lids and dopey smile. "And you're cute when you're a high and horny baby." She snorts as his hands and rests her head on his shoulder as he takes the last deep hit from the blunt before tossing the roach into the ash tray to break down later. She uses her hand to turn his head as he gets ready to blow the smoke out. He smirks and fists a hand into her hair, his other hand palms her bare breast over the hoodie as he blows the smoke into her mouth.
*She couldn't hold it as she moans, her skin was sensitive and her mind was only focused on his hands. She scrambles out of his lap and crawls up the bed, but she doesn't get far as quickly grabs her ankle and yanks her back with a chuckle. "Where do you think your going?" She takes her bottom lip between her teeth as she tries not to smile. He yanks his shirt over his head and crawls over her, her fingertips ghost up his sides as he claims her mouth. She could taste the weed on his tongue, and that ever present mint. She groans as his lips leave hers but she arches as he pushes the hoodie up to expose her bare chest to his eyes. Leaning down his tongue circles one nipple before blowing on it, making her still shower warm skin break out into goosebumps. He presses his face into her sternum and drags his tongue along the anarchy A that rests there as his hand slides down onto her shorts, she feels his grin when he finds no panties in his way. She is hot and slick as he slides two thick fingers inside. "Yes touch me!"
He lays on his side, his arm propping his head up as he watches her writhe and moan as his pace picks up. Pressing his nose against her temple his lips brush her ears as he speaks lowly. "Do you have any idea how sexy you look like this?" She shakes her head, her eyes wide and glazed as she stares up at the ceiling, one hand rolling her own nipple, the other gripping his forearm, the feel of his muscles moving under his skin as his fingers fuck into her driving her higher. "Legs spread wide for me. Wet little pussy gripping my fingers like you never want me to stop." She shuddered and groans "I don't want you to stop. Please daddy. Fuck me?" He smirks and removes his fingers much to her dismay. As she turns to pout her mouth falls open as she watches him suck his cum covered fingers into his mouth. She quickly strips off her shorts and reaches for his pants and belt. He chuckles at her enthusiasm and she swats his stomach making him curl up and laugh harder. She giggles and stops trying to strip him. "Your such a dork Juan." He nods and reaches down to quickly undo his own pants, sitting up he leans his back against the headboard and shoves his pants down enough to free himself and yanks her onto his lap. Holding his cock steady he lets her slide down onto it, watching her face as her eyes fall closed at the stretch. Her hands gripping his neck and shoulders as she grinds down onto him. "Jesus you feel so good."
His hands slide up the sides of her smooth thighs to her waist, the hoodie pulls up with his hands until her lower half is exposed, her rocking hips in full view, using his hands he slowly starts to set the pace. His eyes taking in the image she made. Sun streaming through the window made her bronze skin glow, her wet curls bounced as she rode him. Lips red and kiss swollen from his lips. One of his hands leaves her waist to grab her jaw making her blink her eyes open.. "Open your eyes baby. I want to see them as you cum." Her brow is drawn and she can't control the sounds falling from her mouth, but she nods. Her hands claw at his shoulders and he gives in, needing to hold her closer, his arms wrap around her yanking her to fall into his chest. She places her hands on the wall next to his shoulders and starts to quake over him. Her lips trimble and he releases her hips and grabs her face in his hands. "Your close aren't you baby." She nods, a whine falling from her lips. She watches him watch her as she rides him as hard as she can. Her body was so close but she couldn't reach it. "Juan.....can't."
He grins and moves a hand down between them, his thumb strokes her clit and she shudders with a cry. "Come on baby. Want that pretty pussy to come. Come Joy." She groans and her bodie tenses, her thighs quivering against his hips as she arches. His thumb keeps up its circling. Making her jerk and dig her nails into his shoulder, with a growl he jerks up into her hard. Forcing a breathless cry from her.
"Do that again I'm gonna get you pregnant." He says it through clenched teeth and closed eyes but the way her fingers freeze for a second before digging harder. His head jerks up and he stares at joy. Her eyes were glazed and her lip was between her teeth as she slowly rolled her hips down onto him. Her body jerked every once in a while as his thumb pressed down hard. He watches her for a second and he smirks. "You want my baby inside you Joy?" She nods and he growls, his hands hold her waist as he pushes her back. Keeping himself inside her as he gets her on her back. His forearms hold her legs back as he pounds into her, her head is tossed back as she screams. The thought of pumping her full, watching her stomach grow. Fuck he was close. Looking down at her he he groans "Look at me." She whimpers and forces her eyes open. The hazel eyes staring up at him look so gold in the light from the sun outside and he pants. "I want my baby to have your eyes."
Her back arches violently off the bed as her whole body quakes under him, a flood of her juices soak his cock and her grip is so tight he can't hold off as it milks him. Shooting inside her he groans, laying on his side he rolls her to join him.* His lips brush her forehead as they both pant, he watches the light slowly fade from the room. His mind clear and his body lax he barely hears his wife as she whispers. "I want them to have yours Juan." He grins, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "Guess we are spending the night. Good thing Tig got Sunny from the house. He will be good for Tigs dog i think." She nods, looking down at her body and his she giggles at his boot clad feet on the pillow. "No shoes in bed you street rat." He chuckles and slowly pulls away from her, his limp cock sliding from her making her hiss and narrow her eyes at him. "Don't give me that look. No shoes in bed." She rolls her eyes and reaches over the side of the bed to get her discarded shorts. Pulling them on she shoots a text to Tig to feed Sonny for her and plugs up her phone to charge.
Curling up she drifts until Juan returns and from the smell of his skin he showered, but she doesn't have much time to think more on it as she finally slips under. She jerks what she feels isn't a moment later but when she opens her eyes she sees nothing. Pitch black and the sound of Juans snoring and her phone going off. With a groan she grabs it and rolls onto her back. "Hello?" She sits up straight at the voice on the other line, making Juans arm draped across her stomach fall off. Waking him with a grunt as he looks around. "We have a problem Joy." She feels a cold feeling settle in the pit of her stomach as she replies "Jax what's wrong?"
Jax's House
Their bikes couldn't move fast enough, she barely puts down the kick stand before running towards the house, she stops short as she hears her name being yelled. Looking over she sees Tara and she races for her, her eyes stinging as Tara looks up at her with bright wet eyes. "What do you need me to do." Tara looks past her for a moment, she was worried she might have gone into shock but when Tara looks back at her she is all there. Her lips move and Joy focuses on them to read her lips and her face hardens as she gets what she says "Protect them from her." She nods and brings her fingers to her lips to press a kiss to them before smacking them on the window and walking towards the house shouldering past officer's as she went, hearing Teddy stop them from grabbing her. She pats his arm as she passes into the house. Finding Jax sitting at the kitchen table, Able rushes to her side and she lifts him up and sits him on her hip as he presses his wet face against her soft hoodie. Juan presses a kiss to the side of Ables head before going to get Thomas who was crying in the back room.
She bounces on her feet to rock Able, the hand not holding the child up is rested on Jax's shoulder as he holds his head in his hands. "She gave me papers...naming You and Juan guardians of our kids, if something happens. I signed them as they knocked to come get her. What are we going to do Joy?" She sighs, resting her cheeks against the child's cheek. "What you are going to do is leave this to Lowen. This is her area, do what the fuck she and Tara ask of you. Tara isnt stupid, she knew what this life meant when she stayed Jax. All you can do is stand by her like me and her did for you and Juan while she is inside. Stay the course, and get the fuck out of Charming the second you can. You hear me?" He nods, his hand reaches up to grip hers. If he had looked up he would have noticed her eyes weren't on him, but the door. Locked in the gaze of another woman. Gemma glares at her and she stands her ground, she wasn't scared of Gemma. But Gemma should be scared of what she has just done, because karma is a bitch. And she was its Messenger. Gemma would answer for this if it was the last thing Joy did.
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That’s this new chapter. Im working on the next one as we speak. again thank you all for hanging with me.
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back to sender
love can be really cool...
sometimes.
and then after a while its no longer fun. In my mind it starts off like a a beautiful, pink layered cake, like the ones people have at their sweet sixteens or qinceneras. it’s just kind of sitting there being pretty for a while and what sucks is that you cant touch it. (if you try to your mom will slap your hand) So you just sit there for days watching this piece of cake begin to deflate. Brownish-green spots start to infiltrate what used to be a perfectly selected palette of pink icing.
its molding! and you cant do anything about it so you just sit here there and cry watching something so beautiful rot.
I wish i never looked at it in the first place;
i wish i never desired it in the first place;
I wish i never believed in love.
My current feelings remind me of why i made the decision to stop liking people in the first place. not because i dont like people, but because i love people with my whole heart. I give them everything in me to the point where i go to sleep and wake up thinking about them first. I cant even do my work without taking a moment to stop and think about what they are doing at this instant. When i say i have an obsessive personality i mean it; I put so much energy out into the universe, but because it has never been received by my crush, it always ends up returning back to me. Frustrated and confused, i never know what to do with these refurbished feelings. So they just sit in the bottom of my belly, continuing to rip my insides to shreds.
Every time im in love i experience intense manic and depressive episodes. I hate to reference a cliché, but love makes me crazy (one would even say mentally ill) I tried going to therapy but, i dont think issues with love are validated in those settings. Like having your dad die is definitely more traumatizing than have your crush reject you, but it still hurts right? like these things still bring people alot of pain, so why did i feel like an idiot when i tried to bring it up in therapy? (idk this is something for psych academics to discuss!)
But the point is... i hate this. So i think im going to try to stop again. right? like i dont know if im mentally ready to take on these feelings again. So the next post will probably be my last love letter to them to seal off my feelings.
Yeah, ill do that.
“What a guy...What a fool am I. To think that my aching heart could kid the moon” -- I Get Along Without You Quite Well
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Day 2
Oh today, TODAY I am feeling fucking inspired as hell
of course, it happens in waves
-but I think I may have gotten the closure I needed
tomorrow I start school, the next week I move into mission, and then I get to be surrounded by all the people who love me and I get to absorb every moment of happiness and be so fucking present to enjoy every moment of my last year of college
this year is about memories, cherishing my possible last year being able to live with my best friends, and getting to do the shit that you do when you're young and stupid :) (and just turned 21)
the rest of this year is about ME, loving myself, learning to grow on my own, seeking support from PERMANENT PEOPLE in my life, not ones that could just pick up their shit and leave whenever they feel like it
im going to lose weight, grow my hair, strive in school, deal with whatever loop that medical school admissions throws me, and fucking thrive
my absolute mission is to learn how to be 100% on my own before anyone ever comes back into my life
whatever that means- self help books, losing weight, feeling the absolute and uncertain confidence at all times, and learn some freaking HOBBIES
I genuinely dont have hobbies besides playing Tetris and games on my phone that ALWAYS end up being cut short because of ___ that would always interrupt it with a text
well guess what, there are NO interruptions this year
I will get into running, cooking, working out, who knows what else
I get to live 5 steps away from the beach and get to live out a movie life of friends and happy times and I am so fucking EXCITED for that
at the end of the day, I know there will always be waves, I know there will always be ups and down
but I can confidently, that I have learned that you CANNOT control every situation in life. No matter how much you believe in a person, who much they are “whipped” (lol), people have FLAWS, biiiig flaws, and you will never be able to change a person
there comes a lot of situations you may never know exactly why it happened, if there were ulterior motives, -whatever the fuck
you will never know and you have to give YOURSELF closure, thats exactly what I did.
I was able to immensely show MY character of being an amazing and bigger person and express that im not invalidating the whole relationship, im not going to end on a petty and salty note, and I am giving myself closure
I could write a novel about his emotional immaturity and how he deals with problems like a fucking child, but im not wasting my breathe on bad energy anymore, NOT for me
I am so thankful that I was raised to have the emotional maturity of DEALING WITH MY FUCKING PROBLEMS
I know he is in an extreme manic episode and trying to be cold as ice, I know it will end and he will come crawling back, and by that time, I will be looooong gone
I will continue to water my plant every single day, each day I will grow taller and stronger, I will become even more mature, more experienced, and will be able to identify exactly what I want in my life and what I will NEVER, EVER accept in a partner
I am so fucking proud of how far I have already come, today I will clean, learn, organize, work, and grow so fucking strong that by the end of this, I will be able to identify this as a critical period in my life that turned out to be the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Day fuckin 2
:)
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Forming/Retaining Memories with Mental Disorders
First and foremost, I’d like to address something really interesting that I truly related to when I read it - RAPID CYCLING. What led me to this revelation of the concept “rapid cycling” was researching “What is Bipolar Disorder?” Now why would I be randomly wondering about BPD? Because I need answers and solutions to these horrible mood swings ruining my life and relationships. What does this half to do with memory? You’ll see.
I remember being diagnosed as a child with “rapid mood swings”- highs then lows swinging so fast they leave me dizzy and with spotty memory of what just occurred.. something as simple as my morning trip to Starbucks, posting an IG story ranting about something I find amusing, then taking a break to sit on the couch and *boom* mood swing I’m overanalyzing and being really hard on myself, suddenly unsure of what I'd even just said or done as if I’d been in some drunk frenzy. Sure if i think hard enough i know exactly the events of the day but sometimes i even confuse it with the day prior, or another day before that. It leaves me pretty disoriented most of the time.
So sure, that didn’t affect anyone but me but here is a perfect example of how these mood swings are affecting my relationships- I just finished a modeling job, I’m driving home in a great mood, and then *boom* here comes the negative thinking, the overanalyzing of my work, and the bad mood. And maybe that bad mood makes me lash out at my friends or family. Maybe I text all angrily for a good five minutes in my car in my garage and then I get out of the car and stand up and suddenly *boom* I’m fine. I no longer care and life goes on. But no one else is fine. My friend is left with all these angry words I didn’t even mean and honestly I’m pretty embarrassed that i have these weird outbursts that half the time aren’t things im rude enough to ever voice and i’d rather not remember so I don’t scroll back up and I block it out and I’m left thinking things are suddenly back to normal since I’M back to normal. This doesn’t only apply to cell phone interactions by the way it’s just a relatable example, but for you it could be yelling at your mom, saying hurtful things, slamming the door, taking a deep breath and suddenly walking back out trying to apologize.
So now here’s an example of how it affects me in daily life with people i DON’T know and that i’m TOO nice to (haha!) So, I’m leaving a modeling job, I’m in an ecstatic mood and I get to the counter to buy cigarettes and end up gushing to the cashier about the beautiful day and we get deep into conversation about cigarette prices and then my tattoos by now fifteen minutes has passed and he’s trying to give me his phone number and I’m immediately annoyed and discouraged and by the time I’m stomping out of the store I’m angrily muttering “can’t a girl just buy a pack of smokes? damn!” And instantly my good mood that spurred the conversation which confused the dude into thinking I was flirting has sailed out the window and I’m blaming myself and angry with the world. And as I overanalyze our fifteen minute conversation to figure out where I went wrong I realize I sounded like I was a full on tweaker babbling about sunshine and how wonderful Cali is and pouring out my life story to someone I’ll never see again. What. Just. Happened?!
What is rapid cycling?
“Rapid cycling is defined as four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. With rapid cycling, mood swings can quickly go from low to high and back again, and occur over periods of a few days and sometimes even hours. The person feels like he or she is on a roller coaster, with mood and energy changes that are out-of control and disabling. In some individuals, rapid cycling is characterized by severe irritability, anger, impulsivity, and uncontrollable outbursts. While the term “rapid cycling” may make it sound as if the episodes occur in regular cycles, episodes actually often follow a random pattern. Some patients with rapid cycling appear to experience true manic, mild manic, or depressive episodes that last only for a day. If there are four mood episodes within a month, it is called ultra-rapid cycling, and when several mood switches occur within a day, on several days during one week, it is called ultra-ultra-rapid, or ultradian cycling. Typically, however, someone who experiences such short mood swings has longer episodes as well. Some individuals experience rapid cycling at the beginning of their illness, but for the majority, rapid cycling begins gradually. Most individuals with bipolar disorder, in fact, experience shorter and more frequent episodes over time if their illness is not adequately treated. For most people, rapid cycling is a temporary occurrence. They may experience rapid cycling for a time, then return to a pattern of longer, less frequent episodes, or, in the best case, return to a stabilized mood with the help of treatment. A small number of individuals continue in a rapid cycling pattern indefinitely.”
See: http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=education_brochures_bipolar_disorder_rapid_cycling
So it sounds like I’ve figured out what these rapid mood swings are called and I feel better that there’s a name for it. And clearly other people are dealing with this too. This next paragraph hit home-
“Characteristics such as irritability, tendency to cry, racing thoughts or impulsiveness may cause social problems. Because people with bipolar disorder are often unfairly judged, they may lose opportunities to develop friendships or romantic involvement, or have trouble achieving their career goals. These struggles may contribute to self-esteem problems.”
So while I’m sitting here writing this I pulled open my text messages and saw one that said “Let’s go get our belly buttons pierced!” I remember writing it but I don’t even want a belly button ring. Perfect example of making impulsive decisions while rapid cycling. And because I just read it I remember it but I honestly had no memory of wanting to do that today. So yes, that definitely applies to me, but this but this doesn’t explain the MEMORY LOSS/BLOCK part of things which made me decide to search “Bipolar and Memories” which lead me to this eye-opening article:
“Of course, it’s common to engage in out-of-character behaviors while manic. I accept that. However, it’s much more difficult for me to accept the fact that I have absolutely no recollection of performing so many of these actions. I suspect there’s a lot more I don’t remember from that time period, as even five years later, I keep learning new things. I can’t tell you how many times my husband has said to me: “Do you remember when …” and I don’t. It’s as though someone has stolen my memories, and I don’t like the idea that such a thing is even possible. Memories aren’t like alarm clocks or artwork—you can’t just replace them.Coping with the reality of losing so much time and having done so many things (often highly embarrassing things) of which I have zero recall hasn’t been easy for me. I recognize that my amnesia may well be my mind’s way of protecting me from myself, from reliving painful events, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept."
See: https://www.bphope.com/bipolar-disorder-missing-memories-i-did-what/
The article ended up with the author babbled about forgiveness and that people still love her. Good for you, I’m losing friends by the minute.
So I continue my search. So what I’ve gathered so far is that people with BPD experience rapid mood swings all day long just like me and people with BPD experience states of frenzy with memory loss (amnesia).
What is amnesia?
“Amnesia is a deficit in memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma. Amnesia can also be caused temporarily by the use of various sedatives and hypnotic drugs. The memory can be either wholly or partially lost due to the extent of damage that was caused.[2] There are two main types of amnesia: retrograde amnesia and anterograde amnesia. Retrograde amnesia is the inability to retrieve information that was acquired before a particular date, usually the date of an accident or operation.[3] In some cases the memory loss can extend back decades, while in others the person may lose only a few months of memory. Anterograde amnesia is the inability to transfer new information from the short-term store into the long-term store. People with this type of amnesia cannot remember things for long periods of time. These two types are not mutually exclusive; both can occur simultaneously.”
See:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amnesia
So maybe I have BPD and anterograde amnesia with a drop of retrograde because The best way to describe my memory would be snapshots- shorts clips but no seamless video footage. I can’t remember my child hood, I had several best friends in 7th grade and don’t know their names, they don’t even have bodies or faces in my memories. Entire years, schools, individuals- wiped out. Or even getting lunch with a friend two weeks ago seems like years ago. It hurts. It makes me feel heartless. I didn’t choose to be this way but if there was one thing I did that might have screwed me, it was learning how to block things out. My mom loved to scold me with this weird expression on her face of pursed lips and a finger wagging in front of my nose. I hated it so I’d tune her out and go somewhere else in my mind. I began to do this so much I eventually lost control of when to snap back from my happy place. My sweet mind trick on my mom turned into this full blown out mental disorder called “ADD.”
What is ADD?
Apparently “this is an outdated term. The term was once used to refer to someone who had trouble focusing but was not hyperactive.” OK cool so it’s ADHD now. Inattentive ADHD means a person shows enough symptoms of inattention (or easy distractibility) but isn’t hyperactive or impulsive.
For example- It got really bad in high school to the point that I’d be trying to listen to my friend’s story and she’d say a word that either sparked a memory of mine and I’d be so excited to share it I’d blurt it out and interrupt her because i literally didn’t even hear her talking anymore my memory was so loud and needed to resurrect itself from the dead. Everyone started to hate me because i came off as super obnoxious and spacey. I didn’t always interrupt, I’m actually pretty aware now and I apologize or manage to hold it in til the end. But THEN people probably think I’m just waiting for them to finish talking so I can talk about myself some more. And while that’s not true at all, it truly is hard to hear the rest of their story with mine pushing so hard to get out. Then I found this psychology study on ADHD and memory differences and the outcome:
“We know that these individuals with ADHD are just as capable in remembering information, but what is selected to be remembered could be an issue. The brain areas associated with planning, memory, and decision-making are also implicated in a number of other psychological disorders. Decisions about risk-taking, substance use, and other problematic behaviors may be impaired in children with ADHD compared to their non-ADHD counterparts. A recent analysis looking at the long term outcomes of children with ADHD found that as adolescents and adults, they are more likely to try smoking and marijuana, and more likely to develop substance abuse or depending on nicotine, marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, and other drugs.”
See: https://www.psychologyinaction.org/psychology-in-action-1/2011/02/12/adhd-and-memory-differences-in-what-is-remembered
Oh did someone say substance abuse? Hello, it’s me! But more importantly, they mentioned selective memory.
“A study found that repressing these memories for long enough can lead to us erasing them completely. Using EEG scans, scientists noted the parts of volunteers' brains which became active when actively trying to forget something. They were also able to pinpoint the exact moment a memory is 'forgotten', and claim that long-term suppression of a memory is a sure fire way of permanently erasing it.
The study authors say that mastering the technique could be useful for people who suffer from depression or post traumatic stress disorder.
Mr Waldhauser, a researcher at Lund University, said "We know that 'forgotten' or repressed feelings often manifest themselves as physiological reactions.”
See: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/8620360/Selective-memory-does-exist-say-scientists.html
So maybe my elite human brain is just protecting me... They did mention depression and PTSD.
“Depression has been linked to memory problems, such as forgetfulness or confusion. It can also make it difficult to focus on work or other tasks, make decisions, or think clearly. Stress and anxiety can also lead to poor memory.
Depression is associated with short-term memory loss. It doesn’t affect other types of memory, such as long-term memory and procedural memory, which controls motor skills.”
See:https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/depression-and-memory-loss#outlook
Several reoccurring symptoms of PTSD include fearful thoughts, flashbacks and bad dreams. These symptoms can become problematic in a person’s life. Some of the avoidance symptoms include difficulty remembering the traumatic event and avoiding reminders of the experience, such as places, people and objects. Hyperarousal symptoms may also arise, such as feeling tense, being startled easily and having trouble sleeping. While it is normal to experience some of these symptoms after a terrible event, symptoms lasting more than a few weeks may be signs of PTSD.\Post-traumatic stress disorder causes short-term memory loss and can have long-term chronic psychological repercussions, according to the American Psychological Association (APA) and the NCBI. Fortunately, psychotherapeutic intervention and treatment can alleviate and often eliminate short-term and long-term effects of PTSD.
See:https://www.psychguides.com/guides/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-symptoms-causes-and-effects/
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ceramic teacups [draco malfoy]
request: “Oh man can you do a draco x reader using 248 and 370 please?” - @tragicallypetty
word count: ~1600
a/n: if this got terribly confusing/out of hand i apologize, i started off in one mood in the beginning and then, due to my mood swings, ended in a totally different one. if this is crazy sorry! im a crazy lady! lmfao anyway enjoy i hope this is what u wanted!!!
248: “please, don’t leave.”
370: “you know, it’s okay to cry.”
The ceramic of the teacup is cold against the pads of your fingers. You gaze absentmindedly at the wall - the raised paint job, the chipping off-white, the absence of picture frames. Everything, it seems, is in a mixture of slow motion and hyperreality; you have trouble distinguishing, in the very back of your mind, whether the soft press of ivory keys is something you’ve created in a fit of disillusion or it’s very real, the piano in the corner put to use for something other than to gather dust. You have not the energy to move. The piano is behind you, and while turning around would be a feat, your bones yearn for nothing more than to be still.
The chill of the breeze from the open window awakens you from your dream-like state. You shiver, shutting your eyes for a brief moment. You’re alone. You don’t hear the heavy footsteps you usually do, you don’t feel his presence, the presence that leaves the hair on your arms raised and your body humming, vibrating, making you feel oh-so alive.
You wish you heard those footsteps, felt that presence. It’s dreadfully lonely without him.
In a way, you’re also glad he is gone; you hate the pity that swims in his eyes, the calm before the storm. Maybe you only feel that way because of the shade of the irises you gaze into. You like storms, but not when they’re blinking at you in the forms of pleas that only further aggravate you and make you want to dig your nails in the palm of your hands so hard the skin breaks.
Though, who knows? Maybe it’s good for you. Pain makes you feel awake. You don’t purposefully hurt yourself anymore (you listen to him that much), but there is no sorrow at an accidental incident.
The music is in your head. You hear the scraping of the lock, the whine of the door as it is pushed open. Draco’s lips are set in a frown as he enters your home and glances at you. You barely hear your name pass his lips; the keys are increasing in volume, a steady uproar and cacophony until it’s as if the musician is slamming.
the.
keyboard.
with.
all.
fingers.
“Are you alright?” You hear him ask distantly, the volume dimming some. You nod numbly. Out of the corner of your eye, there’s a flash of color; he’s brought you flowers. You try to smile and watch him hold a vase under the water until it’s halfway empty. He takes the scissors from the drawer next to the sink and snips off the bottom parts of the stems. Then he drops the flowers into the vase, resting it in the middle of the dining table. He approaches you, platinum hair illuminated by the soft golden glow the drapes let shine through the cracks. He kneels by your side. “Are you sure?”
You nod again; you force yourself to look away. The pity is suffocating. You don’t want to drown, you tell yourself. A second later, you don’t care. You look back into his eyes and swallow.
“I’m… fine,” you allow.
“You know, it’s okay to cry.”
You don’t realize you’re crying until you are. Your vision is shaky, the wall blurring before your eyes. You let a tear slip an inch down your face before you wipe at it, furious.
“I’m fine,” you repeat. You hunch over and a sob escapes your throat. Draco sighs softly and leans forward to wrap his arms around you. You shake, and you hate yourself for it.
This isn’t hyperreality. This isn’t slow motion. This is real time, the present, and you don’t know how to feel about it. The pain that is making you feel alive isn’t physical, but rather emotional - you’d have a hard time stuttering out some cliche term about how you feel empty inside, emotionless, like an empty bag that’s been set out and is blowing all over the place. Draco doesn’t say anything as you take his shirt in your fists and bury your head in the crook of his neck. He doesn’t say anything when you weep out incoherent sentences, doesn’t say anything when you collect yourself and sit back in your chair, eyes bloodshot and puffy, lips red, tear stains on your cheeks. You feel an absence on your hands. The chill of the ceramic is replaced with the warmth of his body, the softness of his shirt, the soothe of his voice.
The empty teacup is on the floor, shattered. You stare down at it. After a second, Draco does, too, mirroring your pouty facial expression.
“I don’t know when that fell,” you muse. Draco snorts and gets out his wand. “No-” you rest your hand on his, pushing it away. “I want to do it. Magic… helps. I feel real.”
He nods. “Go ahead, then.”
You reach behind you and grapple for your wand. Once the familiar, stiff mahogany finds you, you let out a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding. You marvel over the buzzing of the power. It’s an extension of your arm, you realize. You exchange a smile with Draco before you mumble, “Reparo.” The teacup forms back together, shards mending before your eyes. Draco picks it up and rises. He sets it in the sink and returns to your side.
“Are you feeling better?” He asks, worry plaguing his words. You push aside the looming onslaught of, ‘It will be back. The darkness always returns’.
You shake your head ‘yes’ and rise to your feet as well. “You make me feel better,” you admit, cheeks flush. It embarrasses you to admit it. Intimacy has never been your strong spot. Never his, either. That’s why you two fit so perfectly. Two pieces of a puzzle, the last and final pieces that let the big picture shine. You decide to embark on the road of embarrassment and continue. “You… make the music go away.”
“That sounds quite awful.”
“No, no, it’s good. It isn’t music, really. More of a big noise, like white noise, that has lots of bad piano concertos playing all at the same time.” He arches a brow. You exhale. “I sound crazy.”
“A little.”
You let yourself smile. “You make me crazy.”
He makes you let loose. You’ve calmed down, your emotional (or rather, unemotional) outburst long forgotten. Maybe it’s your mood swings, maybe it’s the fact that he’s here with you. One sounds plausible, but a stupid excuse, the other something you would never say out loud.
Draco takes your hand in his. He tosses your wand onto the table with his and takes the other one, too. “You were already crazy.” Leaning down, he presses his lips to your cheek and whispers, “Crazy for me.”
You pull away, laughing and wiping your ear with your shoulder. “Ew, I don’t think so! You’re bad.”
Draco kisses you, long and hard. You squeeze his hand. This is good. This keeps the manic away, keeps you sane, lets you stop thinking. This drones out the white noise that plays constantly in the background. Against his lips, you breathe, “Please, don’t leave.”
He kisses you harder. When you break apart, there is no pity in his hurricane eyes. You can’t place what’s present, but as long as there is no sorrow, it’s okay with you. “Where would I go?” He asks.
“Away from me. To normal.”
Draco rolls his eyes. “What, and risk you coming after me with a knife? No, I’d much rather stay here,” he deadpans.
You untangle your fingers and punch him in the chest. “Stop being a prick, or I’ll play those concertos for you and force you to listen to every single one of them-”
“You couldn’t play the piano if you tried,” Draco smirks.
“Play it for me, then,” you pretend to think, then smirk. “Play me that hard Chopin one.”
“The day you do come after me will be a good one,” he snarks. “Fine. I’ll play the stupid muggle composer. But sit and listen through the entire piece, don’t go touching me while I’m playing,” he kisses you one more time, a chaste one to the lips, and leads you over to the piano. You watch Draco crack his knuckles before sitting at the bench. You perch on the sofa next to him. Slowly, he begins to play, a haunting melody that you’re glad isn’t ruined by your disassociation fits.
Halfway through the piece, you can’t resist yourself. You kiss his neck, his ear, his jaw, his hair - Draco stops playing and grabs the sides of your face, scowling. “I said no touching.”
“What are you gonna do, spank me?”
He actually seems to consider that. You snort, tearing away from his hold. “Kinky bastard. It’s so stereotypical for you to know how to play the piano. Rich git.”
Draco narrows his eyes. “You’re complaining about my playing, when you were begging me to play it earlier?”
“No,” you smirk, leaning forward to press your lips against his.
He doesn’t let you stop, then, and instead explores your mouth with his tongue. You nip at his lip. He practically flies backwards, exclaiming, “Did you just bite me?” Then, “...Why did I like it?”
“Keep playing, Mozart,” you slam your hand down on the left side of the piano, snorting when he jumps.
He whines, “Why can’t you always be sappy?”
“I’m not wired to. Keep playing, Draco, I want to see how long it takes you to stop when I do this…” You attach your mouth to the spot where his jaw meets his neck, sucking lightly. Draco groans, but a second later, continues the piece.
This, pretending to be normal, is natural for you. It’s just to calm you down, relieve the tension. Hours later, you’ll be shaking again, and Draco will be by your side, ready to calm you down and recite lines about how ‘everything will be okay.’
For now, though, it takes him about twenty seconds before he stops playing for good.
#draco malfoy#draco malfoy x reader#draco malfoy fanfic#draco malfoy one shot#harry potter fanfic#draco malfoy imagine#my writing#liquidmusing#writing#ceramic teacups#im actually soooo worried this is bad omg#im self conscious#is that how u spell it#oh well#im tired#mine
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IMPORTANT PSA
It’s time for another one of these, because the amount of asks and such that I get about this topic is ridiculous, and somehow no one seems to have noticed that I talk about this in my rules.
There seems to be a problem with:
1) How frequently I write threads - or how unfrequently.
2) How I hardly talk to people ooc or respond to their IMs.
Listen. When I say I love you all, I do mean it whether you believe it or not. But there’s something you need to know about me (and would if you paid attention to my rules and PSAs):
I am literally a pile of burning trash.
By that, I mean that I have a maddening job (rumours spread about me, trying to get me fired, AND they had me work eleven days straight with no day off recently, among other things). A family that requires high amounts of watching and attention.
I’m trying to get back into school, and I have a host of mental disorders (Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, anxiety, Aspergers’, possibly ADHD). I’m also trying to figure my life out, pay off my medical bills (if I paid them all now, I would be in debt several thousand dollars right now), and continue my transition.
And on my very rare days off (rare because soon it’ll just be me and two other people holding down ship), I usually have to spend them going to doctors’ appointments (yay more bills!) or shopping for food or clothing. I haven’t bought new shoes until today - my others were literally shredded and I could stick my fingers through them - and those were $6 from the thrift shop.
Now, I post a lot, especially on my other blogs. Which might make it seem like I’m not doing anything. That’s not true: I spend a lot of time on mobile, and I spend a lot of time multitasking. Also, a lot of these (such as the school, the searching for a new job, figuring my life out, paying bills, etc.) take place at the computer anyway.
My point is: I have no energy. None. I am running on empty right now, and when I do have energy, it’s manic and therefore I can’t focus.
I don’t talk to many people because of this low energy.
Again, it might seem like I talk to some people a lot: I do. But half the time when we talk it’s just mindless rambling with no substance, requiring no mental focus or energy. When I’m in Rabbit watching films and shows with people, I’m usually doing other stuff at the same time, like working on my resume or researching universities and scholarships.
I do talk to a very specific few people pretty often, but again: it’s rarely about anything other than mindless things. Memes, or random updates on what I’m doing, or anything else that doesn’t require much mental power.
I have little to no energy with all of this. I would have little to energy with all of this even if I DIDN’T have mental illnesses, but as it is, I do, and that doesn’t help anything.
I’m sorry to people still waiting on me to continue a discussion or a conversation and I’m radio silent. I’m sorry for seeming to be active but not responding to you. I’m sorry I have no focus and can only find energy for mindless things or certain things at certain times.
But you need to understand that I’m a mess right now which means forgetting to reply to messages, not having energy for conversations, or simply not feeling up to talking. Don’t yell or guilt-trip just because I’m not around.
And if you’re angry about me not replying to threads... my muse is almost completely over at @missingenigma. If you want to roleplay, you might have better luck there. But my replies are the same principle - I have low energy, and shifting concentration. I may have more muse for certain threads than others and that’s just how it is.
I’m trying to get better but with how crazy life is right now, I can’t yet. And I need you people to understand that. I need you guys to understand my muse is very specific and picky and faltering right now. I need you guys to understand that I’m exhausted to the point of zombification because I haven’t slept in days and haven’t had a day off until today - which I spent doing errands. I need you guys to understand that I’m hardly able to live paycheck to paycheck right now. I need you guys to understand that I’m an adult with a job and responsibilities and a life that I’m honestly drowning in right now.
I need you guys to understand that I’m burning out right now and can’t stick to one thing for long. I need you to either understand that I’m fucked up and be willing to wait for me to get my life together, or understand that I’m fucked up and move on. I’ll miss you, because of course I will, but if my inability to focus is hurting you then that’s not fair.
So please. Try to understand where I’m coming from. Try to be patient. Try to listen.
I am not absolving myself of faults. I am being a shitty friend and roleplay partner right now. I know that. I know that, but I can’t change it right now. Not when my life is this much of a disaster. And I’m sorry for that.
Just know that I’m sorry. But I’m physically unable to keep up with much right now, including my onw life. And this is even with adding more hours to my day by only sleeping for about four hours total a night, if that.
I’m sorry, and I’ll try to be better. But the fact of the matter is, I might not be able to be better, and you’ll have to do with that what you will.
#Misc: I'm the heat (PSAs)#long post#long post tw#(but it is an important post so if you have long posts blacklisted maybe click off just this once)
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joshler au #-22
(prompt: story must include a necromancer, gold, and a typewriter. savannah’s au following the same prompt is #22)
tyler joseph is the writer of the next great american novel. he has everything he needs in order to craft the next great story that will make him kurt vonnegut junior: a small apartment in new york city, a string of one or two manic pixie hookups he can lament about if he reaches a writers block, some whiskey from trader joes, and a vintage inspired typewriter he bought from amazon.com, part of which with the $25 amazon gift card he got from his aunt for christmas.
tyler was doing good until he started getting complaints from his neighbor. it started with little notes slid under his door like “hi, it’s your next door neighbor- the walls are very thin so if you can move your typewriter(?) to another area that isn’t the wall conjoining our apartments, or refrain from typing at 3am, that would be greatly appreciated. thank you!! :^) -av” and notes of similar natures continued to be slid under his door over the course of eight months
however, tyler could not do that for if he were to craft the next great american novel then he could not force inspiration to strike, he would let it strike when it struck; for example, at 4am after he makes his semi-regular midnight smoothie that he likes to call “the Joseph” and passes out, only to wake up at 12:10 with multiple ideas and then writes nonstop until 9am, then passing out again
THE JOSEPH
ingredients:
-4 bottles of “five hour energy”
-gatorade
-mountain dew code red
-strawberries
-daily multivitamin he forgot to take
-some advil
-cut peaches
-whatever gelato/ice cream he has in the freezer
-whatever coffee is still in the machine
-lots of ice
steps:
-blend until smooth
-drink in under a minute and then pass out
-write the next great american novel
due to his intense writing process, his neighbors notes went from “please stop typing so loud -av!!” to “i’m literally going to murder you. this is a literal death threat”
tyler couldn’t let that happen. so he looked up in the yellow pages for a “pete wentz” whompst he met at a bar once and drunkenly told him that he could “call whenever he wanted for like whatever” before promptly vomiting on his own shoes and bursting into tears. upon calling pete, who did not remember who tyler was, but was friendly none the less. upon tyler saying that he’s in a pinch of trouble due to his neighbor trying to kill him so he would like to disappear” pete said that his friend could potentially help, so tyler wrote down the address pete gave him and went over to the address immediately.
tyler was surprised to see that the address he was given was a store called “gold 4 ca$h” which was a gold and pawn shop store that he would occasionally see infomercial style ads for at 2am when he stared into the on but muted TV directly in the eyeline of his writing desk. he entered to see a vaguely punk guy manning the counter of the store, reading a cosmopolitan.
“excuse me” says tyler, “im looking for a josh?”
“i am josh” says the guy, not putting down his cosmopolitan magazine. the magazine was from march 2008. “would you like to trade gold for cash? perhaps that gold chain you are wearing, or that stupid pinky ring?”
“pete said you could help me? said tyler. “my neighbor is going to kill me i think?”
josh finally looked up from his cosmopolitan. “i can help you. follow me,” said josh, who then lead him behind the desk and into a small little room off of the employee lounge, which was filled with drippy candles and a bunch of old stuff that looked vaguely menacing.
this is when josh told tyler that he ran a little necromancy buisness on the side, that would involve some slightly illegal acts. tyler was to allow josh to marry him, then take out a life insurance with pete (who was apparently a life insurance agent who hated his company) and list josh, his now spouse, as the receptor of the money should tyler die. once his neighbor kills tyler and is satisfied knowing she saw the life fade from tylers eyes, she would back of suspicions of him being alive. then josh would stage a funeral, grieve, move all his stuff into storage and collect the life insurance. after josh was able to receive the money, he would take a portion of it, give tyler a new identity, collect his belongings from storange, and then allow him to move to cuba, like tupac shakur and all other people whompst’ve successfully faked their own deaths.
tyler knew this all to be perfectly sane, because if he were to write the next big american novel no one, not even his neighbor, could get in the way of him and success.
“i’m going to write the next great american novel,” said tyler.
“great,” said josh.
josh said that he needed to collect something as “collateral,” until tyler was able to pay josh for his services, something important. tyler agreed to give josh his typewriter. tyler pawned his gold chain for another louder one that josh had on hand, which would hopefully speed up the murder process; they did not have much time anyway, upon josh seeing the increasingly angry notes from the neighbor. they called pete (who was also registered online to be a minister) and were married in the middle of the pawn shop right there. tyler pawned his pinky rink in exchange for a wedding ring, and also bought a bluetooth speaker so he could record his typing sounds and blast it 24/7.
it took a short 2 days for the preparations, and a short 3 days for his neighbor to come and kill him. after she stabbed him repeatedly in the chest and was content with her job, she left and enjoyed a solitary moment of bliss, of peace and quiet. then josh mourned and held a funeral, before collecting his belongings and relocating to cuba.
josh revealed to tyler that he could be continuing on to cuba with tyler, because the house that tyler wanted for writing his novel was too expensive to live in alone, and the necromancy community was growing in cuba, and josh had always wanted to live there. they started as roommates (josh slept with noise cancelling headphones anyway, his roommate in and out of college, also pete, played in a metal band so he formed a habit) and then eventually, beauty and the beast style, their relationship grew. tyler finally published his novel, which the huffington post called “not horrible, but still pretty bad.” josh consoled tyler over this and they instead went to go pick up shells on the beach and relax as tyler talked about his ideas for his next novel, and josh starting on his next “”vintage””’ woman’s magazine.
the end
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Hi so a while ago I asked about some info on BPD, Mary Doberneck answered me. So I did mention I wanted to talk to my psychologist about it, but the issue is i have been avoiding my psychologist. I have been looking back over the past years and I notice a clear pattern of depressed periods, sometimes lasting a couple days sometimes a couple months. Figuring out where the "highs" would be is a little harder, but I do often just take on way more things at the same time than others... part 1
(ask continued) …I would for example sport 10-30 hours a week while also working and doing 2 theater performances and also working on another project as a volunteer. In these periods my days are filled to the brim with things to do, no one can keep me in the house for more than 1 hour unless I’m sleeping. But now I’m in a dark spot. I don’t leave my house, I talk to my boyfriend but avoid my friends and family. I don’t want to pick up the phone or go to the supermarket we live next door to. My boyfriends asks me if im just being lazy but I’m not. It’s just as if every sell on the inside of me protests to leaving the house. I hardly even go on social media these days, this is the first time in over a week! I missed 2 appointments already with my psychologist. I wish I could just email her and tell her I’m not doing so well and I can’t bring myself to go, since she emailed and texted me she’s worried but I can’t even bring myself to do that! There is a very clear trend that every time i get really good, really high, doing like 5 projects at the same time at some point I just drop everything (or every project just ends) and right after that I start going downhill, although i can co downhill while not having a “high” before. Is this similar enough to bpd to seriously start considering that is what I have? Or am I understanding it wrong and is this something else? In between I have had normal moments too. Periods where I wouldn’t have the energy to take on that many projects, let alone sport 30 hours a week yet I can do all my normal responsibilities just fine.I go to my job, I pick up the phone nothing odd going on there. Although they seem more rare now than ever before. As another question, what are some tips on getting myself to at least contact my psychologist? It seems simple but I haven’t been able to do it. All I get down in the mail is “hello” before just discarding it.
Hi there, I do hope that at the time of reading this, you will be feeling a bit lighter. I am not a professional psychologist, but I do believe that what you are describing is very close to BPD. Your periods of working 30 hour weeks and having the energy to conduct all that you do sounds manic when you then fall into a period of wanting to do nothing and having no energy followed by depression. If you haven’t been diagnosed with BPD yet, I do think you should make it a priority to speak to your psychologist about it before the feelings you have worsen.
In terms of avoiding your psychologist, you should try to make it to a point not to do so. Your psychologist is there to serve a specific purpose- to help you balance yourself and understand what you are feeling in order to properly treat you. Avoiding your psychologist is the equivelent of avoiding a solution-whether intentional or not. I can understand, however, that while dealing with depression and juggling everything else on your plate, you may not have the physical or mental energy to have an hour session with your psychologist talking about the very things that have drained you. But in the longrun, it would be more beneficial not to miss anymore of your appointments.
I think you avoid your family for the same reason you may avoid your psychologist- they know you inside and out (I assume) and it may be overwhelming to have to either act as though everything is okay around them, or have them question you about how you are doing today as opposed to last week-when that may not have changed. Living with your boyfriend makes it different for him. He sees your symptoms, but may not fully understand. Either way, you should try not to avoid so much, these are people who care about you nonetheless and you don’t want too much worry to be created- it could feed the symptoms you are living with rather than starve them. And it may be a good idea with regards to avoiding your therapist, to use your friends, family and boyfriend to make sure you don’t miss your appointments- or at least keep your therapist abreast of what is going on. If you are struggling to send a cancellation email, ask your boyfriend to do it for you, and explain the full context of what you are feeling. Both he and your therapist should understand. And if need be, have him communicate with your family as well if you can’t. It will diminish the amount of worry that may be circulating amongst them. With that suggestion may come, some tough love or gentle encouragement that you need to continue your treatment consistently. And if that happens, I urge you to try your hardest to go to your appointments. Getting a formal diagnosis of BPD or anything else your symptoms may resemble may give you a peace of mind having pinpointed exactly what it is you are living with. I do wish you the best in your next steps and hope you find peace and resolve.
Best wishes,Ieisha Ford
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@eticreatesworld
nukottama
魑魅魍魎
bag-push-final
Untitled
bigbrothermisandrist
Here for the girls & the gays