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neonfading · 1 year

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Zelie's RP 101: Rules

Hi! This is part of a Roleplay 101 guide meant primarily for my beloved roleplay group, The Curtain Callers, but it might be useful to anyone who's new to roleplay here on Tumblr.

(Yes, Discord/your forum/email/Omegle/etc. has different rules and expectations than Tumblr. Trust me, I learned the hard way.)

TLDR;s are bolded at the beginning of every section, but I do recommend reading the full post if you have the time and energy.

The Cardinal Rule: Communicate. If the people you run with are any good at all, communication will smooth over any issues you may run across, including an accidental breach of the below rules. In the end, roleplay is just communication in style, but remember it's no fun for anyone if their feelings get hurt. Ask about boundaries (triggers, yes-and-nos, squicks), ideas, etc. And if you want to RP with someone? Ask them! You won't get anywhere staring forlornly at their blog. Even blogs marked "private" might (MIGHT! do not pester them!) be willing to play with you if you ask nicely.

Read the rules. No, not these rules (though you might want to do that too); I mean the rules on someone's blog page. They are there for a reason and will make interactions so much easier. Unlike Discord and forums, there's no central rule system here, only etiquette guidelines and agreements between individuals and groups. A blog's rules are their expectations for followers/partners. Follow them. If there's a password, send it when you IM them.

Link to your RP sideblog on your main. I know, it might make you squeamish, but when I see an random personal blog following me and I can't figure out what their RP blog is, I block them. I definitely can't send them starters, that's for sure. If you don't want your Main main attached to your roleplay, make a second primary account.

Have a tagging system and use it--and DON'T use main tags (#character, #ship, #fandom, etc). This is mostly for your own benefit, but it will help others. Having a clear tagging system on your blog will make it much easier for people to find what they're looking for. I personally suggest tagging for type of post (RP, OOC, IC text post [if you do those], non-RP reblog, meta/headcanon, prose, promo, meme, etc.), verse (short for universe, could be continuity or version of your muse--multimuse blogs should tag for muse as well), and partner(s). Don't worry about aesthetic tags if you're just starting out; just make sure you don't put RP in the main tags. It's discourteous to the non-RPers of your fandom.

Don't join without permission. If you see a really cool-looking thread, you can ask if it'd be okay to join. This is more acceptable in close groups, but the worst thing that happens is you get turned down. I recommend never having this sort of thing be your first interaction with a blog or mun, but you do you.

Social media/IC texting style roleplays might be different; ask your group, if you have one, or someone else's 101 otherwise. I am a scene roleplayer and therefore not an authority on txt/socmed RP.

Practice reblog karma, even if your blog doesn't. Notification feeds are important to us roleplayers; they're often how we see someone is trying to start/continue a thread. Therefore, it's important to many RPers that their notifications stay clear of anything but roleplay. That's the basic ground of reblog karma: don't reblog without offering something in return.

RP threads/scenes you are not a part of should never end up on your blog. Not only does it clog notifications, it spreads things outside their intended context, which invites drama. If you must, ASK ALL INVOLVED PARTIES first, and do not tag the reblog with main tags.

As for memes, it's polite to send in an ask using the meme you are reblogging. This might be questions, starters, or any number of other things. Be prepared to follow up if it's a starter.

Differentiate OOC and IC. There is nothing more frustrating than not knowing if you're talking to the character or the mun. ((Double parenthesis)) are the most common way of marking OOC, but [brackets] and even //double slashes// are sometimes used. You may occasionally see (single parenthesis), but I strongly discourage this habit. It's probably wise to mark somewhere in your intro post if your tags are IC or OOC. Personally, mine are OOC, but again, I'm a scene RPer and that may not be the convention in txt RPs.

Never, never, never control another mun's character without explicit and specific permission.

Don't godmod/powerplay. Your character(s) should be on the same rough level as your partner's characters. There are exceptions to this, but if you need this guide, you are not ready for them. Let your character get hit, let them get hurt, let them mess up.

Be specific. If an action is physically happening in the RP world, it needs to be clear to everyone involved what it is, ESPECIALLY if it affects other characters. Internal dialogue can be vague as you please, but don't try to be ~~~mysterious~~~ on purpose. It rarely ends well.

Yes, and...! There's an old adage in improv that you should never say no, only "yes, and". In other words, go with the flow. Have fun. Be cringe. Don't try and redirect the plot without asking. Don't deny a natural shift.

Give your partner something to say. Don't just react to the last post, but add on new things! This is something you get a feel for over time, but for now, try adding baits you know your partner can reply to for every bait you take.

Fill out interest checkers. I don't see many of these these days, but if you see one, fill it out as instructed. It'll make the mun's life a lot easier, I promise.

Do not RP with people who don't want to RP. Don't roleplay on non-roleplay posts. Don't roleplay with random strangers who aren't on RP blogs. Don't drag random people into your roleplay.

(Flight Rising players who write original owners into dragon lore without permission, I'm talking to you with that one.)

Credit ALL art on your page. "Lost art", "found on Google", "not the artist" don't count. Use their name, link to them if possible, and do it in a prominent place people can get to on desktop AND mobile.

Thread trimming is courteous, but ultimately optional. Personally, I don't trim because the browser I run doesn't support Xkit and I do most of my roleplay from mobile. I don't mind endless scrolling. Most people do. If it's feasible for you, I recommend getting the Chrome/Firefox extension Xkit and learning to trim your threads. That is the standard custom.

Respect the hobby AND the life. People have lives outside Tumblr, and they don't need a reason to have a delayed response. If their rules allow it, you can poke a partner after an abnormal delay, but don't be incessant, and don't be rude.

#zelies rp 101

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anextrapart · 2 years

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Ok so Im sure this has been talked about but I’m not finding it so far… I’ve watched all of BCS and now on ep 3 of BrBa. I was already feeling this way from BCS but… brba really puts a fine point on it. Compare contrasting EVERY Latino with the main white characters it is just so clear deeply felt and shown moral feeling is something the writers afford their main white characters and not the Latino characters or other people of color. Watching how Crazy 8 was treated vs Walter or even Jesse. And maybe there is something in poverty and racism making people have to act harder, even in private, but really???? Always??? Even in private? Even Nacho, who was allowed some really touching moments of clear introspection wasn’t able to fully give voice to squeamishness over murder. Meanwhile we get all this montage of Walter being Haunted with a capital H over his murders. Druggie jackass Jessie is haunted, maybe with a less capital h. Where is the moral breakdown of the Latino characters? Or, to the writers, were they just born bad and the real story is their struggle to break good

Hey anon! So, as Certified White Bread myself I think it might be a bit outside my lane to offer too much analysis here, but I appreciate the ask and absolutely see where you’re coming from.

I can’t offer much deep thought in regard to BrBa (on any front) because I haven’t seen most of it outside of the Jimmy parts and I genuinely just do not like it (oops). My understanding is that Jesse does become more sympathetic as the show progresses and that Walt goes the other way, but I don’t know if there’s a Latino character who gets to explore the moral quandaries you’re mentioning. Gus of course is pretty complex, but again I mostly know him in the BCS timeline. And then there’s Nacho, who had moments (with his dad) where he was able to be quite soft, but as you said didn’t seem overly bothered by violence/killing (from what I can remember, I could be wrong!).

Part of it may be that in the show’s timeline many of the main characters we’re meeting at the beginning of their breaking bad experiences, while I think most of the people of color we’re meeting further into their journies. Which isn’t to say they aren’t as mentally/emotionally complex, only that the story does need antagonists and so for that purpose we aren’t allowed to witness it? I can’t speak to Vince and Peter’s other works but I think they do tend to approach writing from an individual character perspective and I highly doubt they’d take the stance on any character of theirs being “born bad”, even the ones who by the end are truly evil.

I wish I had a better answer for you. I know Michael Mando has a lot to say about Nacho which you may find interesting, he seems like a pretty intellectual and emotional guy who offers a lot of analysis about the character when asked. I think probably the solution to the disparity you’re feeling is for there to be a more diverse casts in future shows across the board. The obvious trouble with having many of the supporting characters being the POC is that for the sake of story/time they simply aren’t afforded the development that main characters are. I’d like to believe that this will change over time and while I don’t believe it was intentional here (in the sense that I don’t think they were purposefully making the statement “the Latino characters don’t have the moral struggles or complexities of the white characters”) I can absolutely understand your frustrations.

#followers if anyone has anything to add for my friendly anon here please do!

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illusionlock · 4 years

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romeos huge rant on comedy, horror, and how they interlap

ok, so. full disclosure, what got me to make this post was this joke post right here.

so the initial premise is funny, haha okay. yeah. oh youre a kid and your punishment at school is that you have to stay at a room full of wasps. its funny because its absurd. it couldnt happen irl. youd think it wouldnt happen irl. youd hope so.

the thing about comedy and horror though? is that they actually operate on very similar concepts.

and that is, the absurd. the uncanny valley. what youre expecting the least. what youre not seeing and not registering. jumpscares are effective if at least to get you to jump, even if they are cheap. meanwhile, jokes where they completely twist your expectations to get you to laugh do the same thing.

it may be hard for you to believe me, but in the end, the bad ending of tattletail is the other side of the same coin as a joke that goes “i swallowed a tablet with some water. everyone on the apple store was terrified of me.”

i have not read the wasp story, but i can guaranteee you, i CAN imagine it being scary, if the right tones are used and suspense is built up nicely. with the right twists and turns, knowing when to keep things quiet and when to blow things out of proportion.

OR it can end up being unintentionally hilarious, if the characters in it are way too cliche to be real and feel more like caricatures of teachers and students, if things are rushed and details lose their meaning and value, if we are just to focus on being an audience watching a kid get chased around by a swarm of wasps, instead of putting ourselves in their place.

im neglecting to mention something though. horror is not the TRUE other side of the coin to comedy. no, thats tragedy. and im sure many more people have heard of that. the two masks used in theater, one happy, the other sad.

and now we come to two very interesting modifiers. im sure youve heard of the term ‘horror comedy’ to refer to a subgenre of horror that does have jokes and silly things still happening, and may not take itself all that seriously. but why is it a specified subgenre? because MOST horror is tragedy.

this is why, despite liking many horror games or even stories, in the end i still dont consider myself someone who actually likes horror as a general genre. most horror focuses on the seriousness of the faults of humans, on our fragility, on all we can lose or are even bound to lose, on the fear that what we feel so confident about having close to us can be snatched away in a second, that our sense of reality can crumble. most horror? doesnt end well.

comedies in general tend to focus on the absurdity of life, on how many silly, strange, or even uncanny situations can happen that can challenge us, but not in a harsh way, but in a way that, despite so many bad things happening, we still get to point and laugh it off and be okay at the end of the day.

literally, all it takes for a tragedy to become a comedy, and vice versa, is a tonal shift. when i told of my idea to create this post to my boyfriend, he backed me up, and told me “the difference between horror and comedy is in the soundtrack and silly sound effects”. hes right.

of course, there are things that you should have the decency to not laugh at, still. to keep your mouth shut and know when to reject. but good comedy knows how to stray away from that, and good tragedy knows how to handle it respectfully without making it torture porn.

so, as horror hinges on tragedy, on the fear that we all know we must face in our lives, because a scream is as natural as laughter, so horror comedies are born as an interesting paradox.

a year or so ago, i got the opportunity to watch the banana splits syfy movie. i was a huge fan of the banana splits as a kid, and would often watch their reruns. those silly furries meant a lot to me. but im not stupid, i know thats a horror movie, i went in kinda knowing what to expect.

it was a gore fest, and for about two or three nights i had trouble getting to sleep. i wasnt actually scared of my childhood friends in animal costumes, as i knew how absurd and irrational my fear was, but just the images of the massacre being fresh in my mind were enough to send me into a panic if i lingered for too long, which can happen, you know, when youre about to sleep.

(TW FOR DESCRIPTION OF A MANS DEATH AND GORE, IF YOURE SQUEAMISH JUMP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH)

i think a scene that perfectly blurs the lines between comedy and tragedy, as well as just plain horror in it, is the scene where a man gets killed by being put in a magicians box and sliced in half as a ‘magic trick’ by fleegle, the dog. as he pleads for his life, and his soon to be wife watches in horror and pleads for the robot dog to stop (yeah theyre robots in this, weird), fleegle continues to slice him in half and blood spurts out, until he is dead, and fleegle just happily and proudly showcases what he has done, as if he just did a real magic trick.

(END TW FOR DEATH AND GORE DESCRIPTION)

watching that was horrifying, of course it was. but at the same time, it was what i wanted and expected when i thought about “banana splits horror movie”. fleegle just did something completely absurd and entirely uncalled for. and what doubles the uncaniness of it is that it was supposed to be something harmless, a magic trick. think about this if it was in an adult swim cartoon. the same thing could still happen, but be treated as just a weird, gross joke. fleegle could even swear, say ‘heres your fucking magic trick damnit! oh you dont like it, well i quit!’ n then throw his hat on the ground and step on it.

they are essentially the same scene, but the cartoon version of it is presented in a way that shows full on just how absurd and unexpected it is, without any seriousness to it, probably without any moody music to accompany it. meanwhile the movie one focuses on the fear, grief, and horror of putting us in the shoes of a woman who just watched the man she loved be killed, with the shots being extra impactful.

in the end, the banana splits syfy movie is a horror comedy though, because most of the movie is spent finding the most creative, absurd, borderline funny ways for people to be killed off. as you watch it along, you dont know whether to laugh at the weirdness and absurdity of the events or to genuinely feel grief and fear over the bodies piling up.

i could also just go over a million other examples available to me right now. in fact, as of the time im writing this, i have the latest vinesauce corruption stream pulled on youtube. during corruptions, the most bizarre and absurd things happen, and often times, things get scary. we see the video game characters we love be deformed and twisted in ways that you can only imagine hurt, but they still act as if thats normal! so you cant help but laugh.

earlier today, i watched a gameplay video of bonbon. its a short horror game, with a very... different antagonist. i wont spoil much, because, i dont want to deter people from buying it. but i will say, there is a reveal at the end, which slaps you in the face with the realization that you have been played for a fool all along, and the developers would probably laughing at you if they saw you after youve beat the game. its a joke, and the fear that they cultivated so lovingly, is the punchline. your fear becomes a punchline. to me thats one of the highest forms of blurring horror and comedy, and one i prefer to some more gory and harsh attempts.

and i mean, i have to mention fnaf here, dont i? its a great example too, particularly because, if you look at the games by themselves, they generally take themselves pretty seriously as horror stories, minus a few odd cases or references. but they just have enough wiggle room that, if you look at them from afar, as an audience, you can take these characters youre supposed to be afraid of, and have fun with them, because it is pretty damn absurd, and even funny at the end of the day, that youre expected to be afraid of essentially big, robotic childrens toys. and thats when many fun, fan renditions that focus on lighthearted situations pop up. vanny herself is pretty funny even! the idea of a person who dresses up in a full fursuit to do crimes is pretty hilarious.

all in all, i think i just really appreciate how horror and comedy can converse with each other and how that says something about how we, as humans, are easily made impressed, made to be surprised and shocked, to jump or to laugh. and we are always looking for that thrill, it just depends on if youre looking for laughs or screams.

so yeah, maybe ‘wasp room’ can be a pretty good story. is it a horror story or a comedy? we wont know until we read it. (also if you made it to the end reading this holy shit i love you , i fully recognize i talked way too much)

#don't be scared. i am here with you.

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wormmomma · 4 years

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MIDSOMMAR SPOILER REVIEW: this movie fucking broke me

CW:RAPE, ABUSE, PEDOPHILLIA

“Midsommar” is a grimm fairytale of sorts. A fairly different homage to the cult film the “wicker man”. “The wicker man” is about a european cult being investigated by a british christian cop, “midsommar” avoids the christian indictment of pagan/occult religious practices. midsommar attempts to be an out and out horror film unlike the a genre bending murder mystery/horror/thriller roots of “The wicker man”. Director ari aster obviously wanted to add to the annals of folk horror by creating an ambitious beautifully horrific and sometimes downright psychedelic film. Ari aster wanted to make a film where you can’t hide from the horror as it all happens in front of you. It's also a breakup movie for some reason? As someone who has seen the theatrical cut twice and the director's cut once I can assure you it misses the mark when taking both concepts. If you're wondering whether not to watch the film i think that on a technical level “midsommar” is beautiful and has amazing cinematography, but the answer is yes, but no. Jordan Peele was shown an advance copy of the film and told Aster "I think you’ve made the most idyllic horror film of all time" that high praise. But that being said for personal reasons this will be my final time seeing the film. I think the director's cut is a gorgeous and amazing three hour film. But as someone personally affected by rape, pedophillia, and the victimization mentally or physically handicapped people i cant reccomend this film wholeheartedly. I'm far from squeamish and love films that revel in shock, horror and extremity but I cannot in good conscious recommend a film I almost walked out on. I think Ari Aster has backpedaled immensely in his ability to create horror that exhibits empathy for his characters and the triumphs and tragedies that he subjects them too. “Hereditary” had an amount of emotional pathos for its characters that was almost completely removed from “Midsomer”. The fim feels unreasonably cruel even for a horror movie. Although enjoyable, proceed with caution “Midsommar” is a beautiful, slow, horrific but ultimately controversial mess of a film. 8/10

(the rest of this review is a plot synopsis and a meditation on the more controversial passages in the movie and is to be read for those who have actually seen midsommar. Spoilers abound!)

So what’s it about?

Midsommar is about Dani, an anxious and vulnerable young woman dating an emotionally abusive and reserved boyfriend named christian. After her bipolar sister commits suicide and murders both there parents, Dani goes on a european excursion with cristian with his anthropologist friends as they study a swedish cults midsommar summer solstice tradition. Dani reeling not only from having her parents taken from her by their favorite child, but also from the lack of any real emotional support goes on a gorgeous, psychedelia, induced nightmare of the cult horror variety. Immediately after touching down on the swedish cult's beautiful grassy commune christian manipulates dani into taking psychedelics. Christian although quite emotionally stunted and quite meek at his core is very sly and amazing at working people. Watching Christian make Dani do psychedelic drugs (mushrooms i believe) to make her clear refusal to take them into something that not only affects christian but also his friends and everyone around them is almost scary in its hilariously methodical toxicity. This leads to dani having a panic attack and from there the hits just keep on coming. Dani then has to watch as two cultist commit ritual suicide. This traumatic incident further escalated when one jumped off the mountain on his leg and needed to have his head crushed by cult members till it turns to meat and dust. To make a long three hour story with icelandic pacing short lets race to the finish line:

Christian begins to be pursued by a cult member named maja. Dani still reeling from seeing two people commit suicide has her worries invalidated by christian and all of his anthropologist bros. The anthropology bro argues about who deserves to break basically every rule of basic anthropology as they try to see who gets PAID for perverting a culture they were invited to study not disturb. Christian eats one of majas pubes. After pissing on a ceremonial tree for the dead, and taking photos of the forbidden religious text (written by an inbred autistic oracle boy) our two american secondary characters are chopped off. Dani and christian are the final outsiders left standing. Dani joins a dance competition (yes really) and becomes this year's may queen. forever to be immortalized in the annals of white female faces shown in portraits plastered in the sleeping quarters of this matriarchal cult commune. Christian is then raped as we discover how all the bodies of our other character are disposed of. Dani, inebriated and vulnerable, discovers christian being raped by the cult and forced to sleep with the 16 year old maja. Disgusted dani vomits and syncs her cries of pain with the cult sister and finally has her trauma validated. She is given the choice to then murder christian as hes trapped in a paralyzed state. Dani decides to burn christian alive in the body of a bear, finally defeating and overcoming her emotional abuser. Dani smiles as the cult writhes in pain from the death of the cult members burning alive with christian.Dani is happy. She has family. She is home.

So lets (finally) talk about maja

“Look at it from an academic perspective it would provide a unique glimpse into our sexual rights.”

“Can i not have a unique glimpse without participating?”

This is a conversation that is awkwardly cut from the theatrical version of midsommar. Christian is being offered to have sex with maja. Maja is a sixteen year old girl. The closest aster ever comes to revealing this fact is offhandedly mentioning maja having her first period. Christian refuses sex and is raped by maja, and the cult while a fourteen year old disabled child watches. There's a lot wrong with this scene. I’ll be honest for personal reasons I was really disgusted by this scene. I feel like im projecting but rape and pedophellia are really delicate topics and should be treated sensitivity. Ive seen alot of extreme very difficult horror films, i've seen rape, pedophillia, and violence explored in meaningful interesting and empathetic ways even ari asters own work like “meet the johnsons”. But watching maja rape christian with what i would assume are her older siblings, aunts, grandmothers, mother and other cult members as a 14 year old boy watches just made me feel fucking dirty. The weird part: it isn't horrific. While cristian was being raped, the audience I was watching it with were laughing. It wasn't scary. it was funny. It's a cognitive dissonance. The audience isn't aware of christians being raped or majas age. Most people assume he's cheating and deserves to be burned alive by dani. Making christian the bad guy of his own a rape is horrific but i shouldn’t need to hunt down that information and watch the film three times to understand that. It makes the movie feel as if its really bad at relaying basic information, at worst it's dishonestly hiding it to make the film more palatable. After putting all the pieces together I was disgusted. Ari aster crossed a line. I felt queasy and never wanted to see this film ever again. The fact ari aster could have made maja of age, or take the disabled 14 year old out the scene entirely, or not have had christian be raped in the first place while reaching a more understandable and tragic ending annoys me to know end, it feel like i watched these characters be used and mistreated for no reason. Just to shock me. It lacks value, it’s gross and uninteresting. much like christian and everyone involved i feel violated and it's really hard for me to enjoy watching what is an otherwise (although flawed) very interesting and compelling work or art. I’m still morbidly curious of the next film ari aster makes but i really hope he learns for this mistake and doesn't objectify children in another weird fetishistic male rape comedy routine. It just leaves me confused, disgusted and only makes it more challenging to analyze the more interesting implications of the film. I really appreciated hereditary as someone who has a very emotionally abusive family and has a very hard time processing death. I found hereditary horrific as it is cathartic. As someone who had to quite recently confront a pedophile, midsommar just left me hurt, and trapped. I was reliving some of the worst parts of my trauma as an audience sits around and laughs at it. It all felt so tragic and meaningless. I want to actually give ari asters work an honest critique but he's produced the only work of film that really hurt me and left me feeling violated. I really love his work and I know I'm exaggerating but I hope art never has such a negative effect on my mental health or anyone else’s ever again. I don't blame Maja or christian or the actor who portrayed them. I respect their performances although I have zero respect for how utterly tasteless midsommar ended up being for me. I think I need to learn how not to take art so seriously and try not to invest myself in other people's work. It's a difficult habit to kick. Needless to say, I cannot recommend this movie. If you're able to separate art from the artist and read this whole review without watching the film you're not a bad person for watching it, midsommar is a compelling, difficult experience.

I hope you enjoyed this review and I'm sorry if it got wayyy too personal in the end there. The movie clearly struck a raw nerve for me. if you enjoy this or any review i've dones let me know. I may reveiw hereditary in the future.if your also having issues with death, rape, abuse or mental health i hope this review didnt make it worse. Everyone is deserving of love, family, community and I hope everyone can find that. Have a good day, and have a safe quarantine.

#movie #reveiw #horror #cults #ari aster #midsommer spoilers #midso #midsommer #film #jordan peele #bear #analysis #critque #hot take #problematic

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calocera · 4 years

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SPOILERS FOR CATS 2019, here’s my hot takes and opinions

be warned, THIS IS LOOOONG

First off my overall opinion, i LITERALLY cannot say whether it was good or bad, like lots of critics say it just...is beyond that. It’s VERY fun and that’s all I can bring myself to say, I have LOTS of problems with it but I can’t even say that they make the movie bad. It is definitely worth watching

OPINIONS ON CHARACTERS:

Victoria: she’s good! I appreciate that they kinda left her personality blank other than her innocence since that’s pretty much how she always was, still not super thrilled with her as a main character but franchesca did the best she could

Munkustrap: I loved him! he was more of a main character than I would have expected, but they STILL cut all the charm from his lines... why do I love him then? Robbie fairchild did AMAZING background acting, whenever he was in frame he was always doing something SUPER munkustrap-y and making cute dad faces. he was dealt bad lines but he worked around it best he could. Also his legs were normal so...epic fail

Mistoffelees: 😒😒😒😒😒🤢🤢🤮 disappointed but not at all surprised...he was just a Woobie, a softboy uwu nice guy. I felt like I was seeing fanon 2013 loki in cat form. THEY MADE HIS SONG A SADBOY PITY PARTY SONG...WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THE 11 O’CLOCK NUMBER SLOW AND SAD???? Where is the smug little shit who’s vague and aloof yet confident and joyous? He was murdered by his evil homophobic shadow clone. I’m not even gunna indulge the fact that him and Victoria were a thing, I’ll go over that later. He also just constantly looked like the crying cat meme his eyes were so red and watery it was horrifying, yet somehow he wasn’t the worst character , that leads us too.....

tugger: what.the.fuck.did.you.do.to.this.boy. HE GOT THE TREATMENT I EXPECTED FOR MUNKUSTRAP! HE WAS DEMOTED TO BACKGROUND CHARACTER! not only did he not sing mr. mistoffelees, he literally did nothing other than his song, he never interacted with ANY characters besides jenny in 1 scene. I know cats has no set main characters but he’s undoubtedly one of the most important characters and he’s like...the least important named character in the movie. ALSO Jason Derulo was not sexy at all. There was NO hip thrusting NO sexy meowing NO glamrock, he was just an asshole and if I hadn’t already seen the original I would have either completely forgotten about his character or though he was the worst character. I’m so fucking angy I cannot express.

Girzzabella: ngl I expected better. Her acting was great but with the horrible effects I couldnt get invested but I’ll touch on the effects later. Her singing was good, but I expected it to carry the movie and it wasn’t at all the best song in the movie, I’d say she’s about as good as I expected she’d be but the movie itself was more enjoyable than I expected so she was less significant

Old d: she was fine, she LOOKED the part definitely, she didn’t have as large a presence as ken page but I wouldnt expect that of her. Her singing wasn’t the greatest though, her voice is fine by it’s just NOT suited to old d’s songs. I would have preferred she play a female gus bc her voice is very sweet and frail, not at all built for belting like her songs required.

Macavity: he’s just...eh. He’s basically a comic relief villain which sucks. He does practically nothing besides kidnap people, say a cheesy line, and act like a caricature of a 90s cartoon villain (and not one of the fun ones) like theres a scene where he poofs away and when he does it he goes, MACAvityyyyyyy and fades away its so unintentionally funny but it just makes him so lame as a villain. not to mention he doesnt even die at the end or get any satisfying conclusion he just gets stuck on top of a statue and his powers suddenly stop working (for some reason??)

Bombalurina: fuck that, I am simultaneously glad she only was in the macavity number bc fuck off Taylor Swift but also disappointed bc she deserved so much better.

Bustopher: 😟 never in my darkest nightmares did I think I’d see bustopher Jones deepthroat multiple crayfish but here we are. Somehow THIS was the most sexual song, I cannot begin to name the fetishes checked off by this performance bc itd hit word limit. Let me just say that I said multiple times out loud, “damn bustopher kinda a freak with it 😏😏” like I CANNOT stress how weirdly sexual it gets. And ofc its all otherwise just haha funney fat guy eat food and burp and fall down. He also breaks the fourth wall a few times which like, fuck you

Jenny: exactly what was shown in the trailer. Unfunny fat jokes and slapstick humor. Also they focused WAY too many shots on her cat pussy and I wish I was making that up. Also of note is that the cgi on the rats and cockroaches are drastically worse than the rest of the movie, like not just bad designs the effects are BAD. also they translated they whole gumbie cat fur-shedding as her wearing fake skin over her outfit which would be fine but UHH the fake fur is skin tight??? so it literally looks like shes ripping off her skin and she does it multiple times its fucking terrifying

Mungojerrie and rumpelteazer: meh, they are fine as characters, not quite as energetic as I would have liked but they didn’t massively fuck anything up? The song was horrible, they went against the beat for...some reason? Like it’s a song with a very distinct rhythm and they split up the lyrics so weirdly. I liked that they followed through with the lore of them working for macavity

Skimbleshanks: YES YESSSSSSSSSS HOLY FUCKING SHIT 💗💕💖💞💜😳😳😳😳😳😳😳💜💛🧡💚💖❤️💗 i absolutely CANNOT express how good skimbleshanks made me feel. He looks like a leather daddy with his chains and suspenders and hat and stache, I hate that I’m saying this but uh...mr skimbleshanks sir😳 we were actually screaming it was so fucking good. Watching this movie was worth it just for skimble. Unironically. I’m listening to the song as we speak. It was kinda weird that they moved the tap dancing to this song but that’s more of a detractor from Jennie’s and a plus side to skimbles since it’s good tap

Gus: good! Ian did a good job of course, no one doubted that he would.

Growltiger and griddlebone: not racist but still absolutely horrifying. One of the worst parts of the movie, I actually got squeamish looking at griddlebone a few times that’s how bad she looks

Everyone else: not that good. I couldn’t tell who was who, all their personalities were annoying, I’m on imdb as we speak trying to figure out who even was supposed to be who. Demeter is completely butchered and jemima just isn’t there, doesn’t sing her part, it all sucked man.

Tech talk:

CGI: okay so here’s the thing, the effects are good. GREAT even, the issue is how fucking horrible the designs are. The lack of cat nose, mouth, and hairy cheeks makes them all look disgusting. Also the feet. Holy fuck why do they have feet. THERES A FUCKING SCENE WHERE TUGGER GRABS VICTORIAS FOOT AND SNIFFS IT. IT LASTS LIKE 5 SECONDS. Old Deuteronomy, Gus, and Cassandra (bc she was already bald) are the only characters I’d say look anywhere close to decent, grizabella looks okay in profile but head on it’s all horrible again. its really such a shame bc the sets are gorgeous! i really hope this movie gets some form of recognition for its sets.

the editing and directing was DOGSHITTTTTTT there are SO many scenes where characters just teleport or parts where people are singing and no ones mouths are moving its really distracting

Other things:

it’s OBVIOUS that the critics calling this movie horny have never seen the original. I’d definitely say the movie is LESS HORNY than the play. It IS however waaaaaaay more uncomfortable with its hornieness, so I’d say in that regard YES, the horny stuff is much more gratuitous and off putting despite there being an overall smaller amount than the play. ie everything bustopher jones does

They changed a BUNCH of lyrics for some reason?? Like they cut verses which I understand but there are like a handful of lyrics in almost every song they just...change. like...okay? All changing lyrics is gunna do is make people who knew the songs frustrated when they can’t sing along

the dancing was incredible! shame the cg just fucking invalidates all of it bc your mind doesnt register it as real people doing real moves

OKAY THE FUCKING CATNIP SCENE so when taylor swift showers everyone in catnip they all just fucking start moaning and go FULL HORNY its TOO MUCH like misto full on does an o face like eyes rolled back mouth open and munkustrap is like ass up panting i still havent processed it im fucking terrified to encounter it again. they cut the orgy? yet added THIS??? k

WHY did they take 2 of the most iconic characters who FREQUENTLY interact and just

a. Never even have them make eye contact

b. Make 1 a background character

c. Completely change the personality of the other one

On the topic of Victoria/misto: I am just still at a loss as to why they thought it’d be a good idea? They completely removed Plato and for what? This? Pathetic. It’s worth noting the weirdly munkustrap has WAYYY more chemistry with both Victoria AND mistoffelees then they did with each other (there’s a part where it looks like misto and munk are about to kiss for some reason?? munk ALSO gets all touchy feely with skimbleshanks???) anyways munkustrap king moments

tldr; its worth watching, the best parts were the sets, the dancing, skimbleshanks, and munkustrp fucking CARRIES the weight of the world with his face acting. the worst things were a big fat tie between bustopher, tugger,misto,jenny,growltiger and griddlebone, and the godawful design choices

#cats the musical #cats movie #cats spoilers #my post

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canyouhearthelight · 5 years

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The Miys, Ch. 62

Thank you, everyone, for bearing with me on the delays for this chapter. There was a benefit: @satan-parisienne got to beta the chapter, AND our other sister got caught up all the way in the meantime.

Right now, I’m at 463 followers. As soon as I hit 500, do we want to do another character contest, or Name the Colony?? I am honestly dying to have all of you name the Colony... I feel like it would make you ALL crew-members of the Ark!

Same warning as always: this is a plague arc, so there are several references to medical procedures.

“There has to be a correlation.”

It was the first thing I heard as I woke up from yet another episode of passing out. Once again, I had been wandering a dream version of the Ark, complete with ever changing levels of dereliction. No matter how hard I tried, I was unable to speak with the Else again, however, and if the Council asked anyone else to even try, no one had informed me.

Blearily, I glanced toward the voice that I had heard. Grey’s hair was ruffled in every direction, as though they had run their hands through it repeatedly. Antoine was asleep, a tube trailing away from a bandage on his arm – I wasn’t the only one in the room needing transfusions anymore. Maverick and Conor were berthed on either side of me, blotches taunting me from the skin around their eyes. Tears pricked at my eyes as I tried to steady my breath before speaking. “How long have you been at it, Grey?”

With a sigh they turned toward me, forcing a kind smile on their face. “Sophia. How are you feeling?”

“Like I’m living in a horror movie. Again,” I groaned. “But seriously. Are the shadows because you’ve been working too much, or are you sick, too?”

“Medical scans only show slightly decreased iron levels from my baseline,” Grey admitted. “But that could also be related to standing and running tests for the last twelve hours.”

I tapped the space beside me in my berth. “Sit down for a minute. Take a break. You know as well as I do that wearing yourself out is counterproductive.” With great reluctance, they folded themselves to sit beside me. “You’re stressed out, aren’t you?” I asked, tapping their fingers gently.

The smile this time was reluctant but genuine. “People are falling ill all over the ship. I have been trying to find a connection – some common activity that they all may have come into contact with each other during.”

“There’s the Food Festival,” I pointed out.

“Very few Terran viruses have such a long gestation period,” Grey explained. “And those that do, have a much different set of symptoms. Additionally, in a setting this small, there are precious the majority of the ship do not share.”

“And you have the problem with the platforms,” I realized ruefully before glancing at my partners.

Cool fingers tapped my cheek. “That issue can wait,” Grey admonished gently. “It is not as important as the health of the people on this ship.”

“Speaking of…” I tried to prop myself up on my elbows, but a pointed look from my friend – as effective as any of Tyche’s glares – had me surrendering to leaning back on the pillows again. “Is there anyone on the ship who isn’t sick so far?”

Grey nodded with a grimace. “The number of those not affected numbers in the low double digits, unfortunately.”

“What do they have in common?”

“Hermits, every last one,” a voice announced quietly as the door hissed open. “And that’s saying something, coming from me.” A tantalizing smell wafted over, setting my mouth and eyes watering as Tyche grinned like the cat who got the cream. She shoved a forkful of something deep reddish brown into her mouth and moaned. “Phaal curry with scotch bonnets. Why didn’t you tell me about this stuff, Soph?”

“Noah is going to kill you if he comes in here,” I warned. “They have officially deemed that a biohazard.”

Grey winced. “I feel I should deem that a biohazard. How are you eating that? Where did you even find it?”

“Four menus deep in my sister’s food console when I stopped in to water the plants,” she explained around yet another mouthful. “I warned Noah I have it, and they promised to wait for the scrubbers to clear the room before they come in here.”

“Give me a bite and I won’t complain,” I wheedled. Noah never let me take that stuff out of my quarters. “And tell me what you mean by hermits?”

Obligingly, she sauntered over and held out a forkful of nuclear-spicy lamb as she clarified. “The few people who aren’t sick are the ones who haven’t left their quarters since arriving. They make me and Derek look downright outgoing.”

“Wait,” I sputtered as sweat beaded and started to drip from my quickly-numbing face. “They haven’t left their quarters in over a year?”

“Nope,” she confirmed. “They contribute, but all of it is remotely. Programming, online tutoring, that sort of thing.”

“Well, that tells us a great deal of nothing,” I sighed. “We can’t even narrow down what activities they haven’t participated in, because they haven’t participated in any.”

“So go the other route,” she shrugged. “Who is the most sick?”

“Nixe,” Grey and I answered in unison. Our resident mermaid was still holding on, but she hadn’t regained consciousness yet.

“Wait,” I interjected as I realized something. I squinted at my sister. “Your symptoms showed up before Antoine’s. How come you’re up, bouncing around?”

“You kidding?” she cocked an eyebrow at me. “Soph. I’ve lived most of my life with sever anemia. Even now I probably have more in my body than I ever did back on Earth. I feel amazing, by comparison.”

“She also has a habitually high-iron diet,” Grey added, tilting their head and glancing at me. “Current comestibles notwithstanding.”

“That makes sense,” I conceded. “So we can’t even build a timeline around onset of symptoms, can we?”

“Negative. Several people on the ship have high-iron diets for various reasons. Particularly your sister and Maverick.”

I rolled my head to left and squinted. “Really? He’s one of the pickiest eaters I know.”

“Spinach, tofu, red meat,” they started ticking off on their fingers. “Lentils and other legumes, pumpkin seeds, broccoli, and organ meats are among the foods with the highest iron content.”

My eyes widened. “You practically listed Maverick’s entire diet, Grey.”

“I am well aware. I do monitor his nutrition closely, as he still has to prove he has consumed sufficient healthy calories in order to start his daily shift.”

“Huh,” I grunted. “So, he could have been sick the longest and we are just now seeing it?”

“While I highly doubt it, your theory is somewhat correct.”

“Weh di’ oo geh ‘im oo ee ohgah mee?” Tyche asked delicately around the last of her curry.

“Conor likes kidney pie, black pudding, and liver with onions,” I explained, trying not to wince at my sister’s breathtaking lack of manners and reminding myself that she just found out she can eat food she only dreamed of trying in the past.

She gulped, a look of revulsion on her face. “Liver and onions? That’s disgusting.”

As Grey completely lost their composure and gaped openly at the statement, I shrugged and soldiered on. “Not my idea of a good time, either, but they like it, so it’s their bonding time.”

“Surely not all three at once?”

“Christ, no. I would kill them if they ate kidney pie without me.”

“Okay, just checking.” Tyche made her way to a disposal and made Noah aware that the curry had vacated the premises.

By this point, Grey was absentmindedly scratching at the rash that appeared from simply being near the dish. “Can one of you explain to me how someone even eats something like that? My eyes are burning just from being near food that spicy?”

“Ask her,” Tyche gestured. “I’m still figuring this out.”

I scowled at being put on the spot before turning to our friend. “I’ve always loved spicy food,” I admitted. “And I’ve never had any digestive issues with it. As I got older, I tried spicier and spicier food. It’s all so – vibrant. So full of flavor. Sure, you have some stuff that is just spicy for the sake of being painful, and I hate that kind of food. It’s just hate and spite made into food. No one should do that.” I sighed, struggling with my words. “Most spicy foods are ethnic foods, and I always liked being able to enjoy the ‘full’ version, for lack of a better term. Being able to go to any country and say ‘I want to eat this the way you eat it,’ and mean that. It just opens so many doors.”

“And it isn’t just spicy food,” Tyche pitched in. “She found this old show once, where this guy went around the world and tried weird native foods, and that was always her dream. Every chance she got to travel like that, she tried the weirdest, most disgusting foods she could, just because she knew she wouldn’t get sick.”

“What was the worst?” Grey asked. When we looked at each other in doubt, they laughed quietly. “It helps me get my mind off of all this.” They waved vaguely at the lab equipment. “So, tell me. I never got to travel much before this. I would like to hear.”

“Well,” I started hesitantly. “I only managed to choke down one bite of balut, but that may be more squeamish heart than squeamish stomach. Anything involving hard fat or cartilage is just right out, sorry. I can’t get past the texture. Once I got past the smell, durian was actually pretty good. Most bugs are really nutty and delicious, surprisingly. Balut was probably the one I liked the least. But – “ I held up my hands in a defensive posture. “I literally don’t remember what it tasted like, I couldn’t get my mind past the thought of what I was eating, so take that for what you will.”

Grey paled slightly as they looked the dish up on their datapad. “People eat that?”

Tyche nodded. “Yep. I don’t get it either, but it’s a delicacy.”

They paled further as they looked up other dishes and confirmed I had tried them. “How did you not get ill?”

“Cast iron stomach,” Tyche and I explained, laughing at ourselves for responding in synch.

“Cast iron stomach, indeed,” they murmured. Suddenly, their head snapped up. They stared intently at the wall behind me before squinting slightly. “Cast iron…”

Without explanation, Grey jumped up from my berth, brushing past my sister on their way to the lab equipment. “Iron. Whatever we are looking for is impacting iron absorption and red blood cell function. – “ Tyche and I looked at each other in confusion as Grey continued their impression of a rambling mad-scientist. “But nutritive iron does have elemental iron as part of the molecule…” Images flickered around the researcher as they scanned through notes and images; expanding this one, discarding that one, squinting at a few. “What if we are segregating the two for no reason… bacteria are bacteria, and the tail failed, too.”

The tail failed? Tyche mouthed at me. I shrugged, lost as she was. We stared on in concern as Grey muttered, only half-audibly, into the night.

<< Prev Masterlist Next >>

#the miys #humans are weird #humans are space orcs #aliens #science fiction #original writing #original fiction #apocalypse

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house-of-wack · 4 years

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What horror movies would you recommend? I want to watch a few :)

((See I dont know if any of these really count as horror bc I've never really found a movie scary ajshdjdj b u t!! I'll give you movies I enjoyed that freaked my brother out(though that's not really an accomplishment)

House of Wax (2005) Saw this first when I was like 8 and was like "can you actually do that?" And recently researched it(multiple times) I really enjoyed this one, I dont even know why though I just see Brian Van Holt and I'm like :), Vincent has really cool looking knives, the small amount of backstory you have is let's you imagine how badly the Sinclairs were raised and I always kinda feel like :( it's not their fault they were raised like that. Love they.

Husk (2010) I watched this when it came out when I was 10 and I really enjoyed it then and enjoyed it again now, again you get little snippets of backstory through out and im like ah yes, revenge ghosts, we have to stan.

Any Friday 13th. I don't care which one, they're all fuckin sbjdjf, some are so bad theyre good and some are just good but sometimes you just gotta binge watch every single one - Freddy vs Jason was good as well idc.

I really enjoyed Saw, gradually it became more about gore than about the world the mastermind was trying to create and kind of started losing it's own plot? But all of the Saws have their own merits just don't be squeamish.

I personally really liked Krampus ajshjdjd, great christmas film for all the family, it was so funny and somehow still scared my brother I don't-

Does Eight Legged Freaks count?? I watched this so much as a kid, I like spiders so I was like??? Giant??? Spiders?????? Hell yes.

Hellraiser, the movies, the comics the books, all good shit.

The Ring and The Grudge, both movies I saw as a kid and have seen again recently, love they.

Uhh Childs Play, all of them, bride of chucky, seed of chucky, all good. All funny.

Any Halloween at all because Michael Myres is daddy, fact, I dont make the rules. The movies dont intend to be (I dont think) but they're funny, michael is the clunsiest killer in the world I love him.

I also liked the original Nightmare On Elms Street and the second one, yk before 2010 Freddy ruined the whole franchise, never watched 2010, never going to, thought of it makes me cringe.

Texac Chainsaw Massacre, again all of them, half the time idk what the fuck is going on but they're a good time, dont that themselves too seriously but at the same time are gruesome and have so much backstory and lore behind each character you're watching like okay so which family member is this again-

The Boy 1 is also really good, not really scary?? Like at all, but makes me want to be a parent wjshjeje oop-

Okay I'm done now ahsbjdjdjd sorry I rlly enjoy my slashers, love they, good people other than the yk, murder and shit.

#holt shit this is long soery #these are all things youve probably seen ahejeje #if u want a more obscure list let me know bc Evil Bong is a good movie too i dont care what anyonr says ajsgdjd #slashers #slasher #scary movies #horror movies #michael myres #jason voorhees #freddy krueger #vincent sinclair #saw #uhhhh #ill stop tagging now #sorry

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fan-clan-fun · 4 years

Text

These cats are just a pair of siblings that I had a lot of fun working on. They are basically two sides of the same coin, foils to each other. They are members of a fan clan (I know, shocker) called HawkClan.

I apologise for any grammatical errors, weird sentence structures or anything like that, english isn’t my native language.

Wonderful! And no worries about the writing, Im always impressed by non-native english speakers and their impressive english, at least when compared to the other languages I myself supposedly speak. So let’s see what we have!

Adderstar: Massive, intimidating, a frightening foe. These are the words most cats would use to describe HawkClan’s young leader, Adderstar. But don’t let her physical appearance fool you, this huge tabby has an ever bigger, albeit squeamish heart!

Born into a litter of three, Adderkit was the biggest and strongest one. She would often be found rough housing with her two brothers and the other kits in the nursery. But with great power comes great responsibility. That’s a lesson Adderkit needed to be taught the hard way. During one of their usual play sessions she accidentally tackled one of her brothers, Shadowkit, violently, breaking one of his ribs which caused internal bleeding. Despite the medicine cat’s best efforts, Shadowkit passed away. After that, Adderkit refused to play with the other kits, especially if they were younger or smaller than her. Blazekit, angry with his sister and unable to cope with the loss of his brother, became cold, angry and distant. He now refuses to acknowledge Adderstar as anything more than a leader and lashes out at any cat who points out their obvious connection.

Interesting, Im curious about when she would have done this and how. Cats can do some serious damage, but to have the strength (unless it was aided by height or some other advantage) to cause a broken bone and internal bleeding would be quite difficult, not impossible, just difficult. But! Maybe an easier ( and even more heartwrenching) way it could have happened, was if their sibling got an infection when Adderkit played carelessly with claws out. It could have made Adderkit much more careful of how she fought. That said, I really do like this motivation, and either way if you wish to keep it, would make for a compelling character development.

Moons passed, but memories of her brother kept haunting the she-cat, even when she started her apprenticeship. Darkstar, the former leader, having seen her potential and her struggles, decided to mentor the young cat himself. Both cats were insanely stubborn, refusing to acknowledge the faults of their ways; Darkstar, too focused on battle tactics and strength, and Adderpaw, afraid of her own power and abilities. The two cats clashed on multiple occasions, but Darkstar wasn’t known for giving up a challenge. He realized that the best motivation for Adderpaw was the pain of others. He would often put himself, sometimes other cats, in dangerous situations that would require immediate action from Adderpaw to solve. This is why Adderstar is so good at fighting badgers, according to some cats. Slowly but surely, the two started to understand and trust each other.

See I like the dynamic between Darkstar and Adderpaw.... but I dont think it would be either wise or realistic that a clan leader would allow either themselves or clanmates into a potentially dangerous situation just to encourage an apprentice. Maybe if it wasnt actually dangerous, but it would be a bit odd to put the responsibility on an apprentice to save the day, when it would be the leader’s job to do that. Unless... well I’ll address it below.

Many moons later, Adderfang was made deputy, instead of Blazestep, whom many cats regarded as the best warrior in HawkClan. This widened the rift between the two siblings even more. Adderfang never thought of becoming a leader. She just wanted to fulfill her warrior duties and get her mind off her brother’s death. She didn’t want to be a leader, she had no need for more worries.

So I do think it is very odd that Adderfang would have been chosen as deputy when the rest of the clan regarded their sibling better. That said, you could argue that Darkstar’s actions in her apprenticeship (reckless self endargerment and potential endangerment of others) and then choosing her as deputy over other better liked candidates, could point to nepotism or serious character flaws. I feel like there is more going on with Darkstar that might need to be addressed for this to work. Not impossible, but an interesting conundrum.

“He has the heart and passion of a Bear. You have the strength and clarity of a Hawk.” That was all Darkstar said. Adderfang understood none of that. Strength? Well, she had that. And what good did that bring her? Death and sadness, nothing more. Clarity? All her life, she knew nothing, but confusion. What is her place in her clan? Does a murderer even deserve a place to call home? She tried to pry Darkstar for more; she needed reasons, true reasons, not baseless statements. But Darkstar wouldn’t say more. He’d just smile, like he knew something that no other cat did. “You’ll understand one day, mousebrain.”

But even after standing on the shores of the High Lake (A/N: it’s just a big, icy lake, this is where deputies are made leaders under the full moon), even after becoming Adderstar, she still couldn’t quite grasp what those words meant.

Im curious what those words mean too, I feel like there could be some background spiritual stuff going on.

Blazestep: HawkClan’s finest warrior. And also it’s angriest one, this jet black cat is one scorching inferno. He’s brash, aggressive, and he’s not afraid of showing his fangs or unsheathing his claws. How does one small, frightened kit grow up to be a walking volcano, ready to erupt at any moment?

His brother’s death hit Blazekit harder than any blow from a cat ever could. Shadowkit was the only kit willing to play with the weakling Blazekit. All the others would mock or turn their backs on him. And, playing with Adderkit was just plain sad. Even as a young kit, Blazekit could see that Adderkit was going easy on him. Never once did she shove him too hard, bit or scratched him playfully. What’s worse, she even pretended to be hurt when Blazekit tackled her or batted at her with his tiny paws. Blazekit hated all of it. He hated Adderkit and her pity, he hated the disgusted and mocking looks of the other kits. Shadowkit was the only other cat he could confide in.

And then Shadowkit was stripped away from him, by Adderkit of all cats. Blazekit was truly alone now.

Sounds like a lonely and frustrated kit, poor guy.

Adderkit tried to reconnect with him, but he rejected her pitiful attempts. It’s not like Adderkit made such a tremendous effort either: whenever Blazekit would confront her, she’d just avert her gaze, murmur something and leave with her tail drooping. Blazekit hated it. He hated how Adderkit couldn’t face the truth, how she couldn’t, no, didn’t take responsibility for her strength. Instead of realizing the power in her paws, she just hid away from it. Blazekit hated it.

Moons went by, and soon, it was Blazepaw’s turn to prove himself. His mentor, Nettlemoon was the exact opposite of the fiery tom. Nettlemoon tried to teach the young cat patience, but Blazepaw would have none of it. Despite this, he was an outstanding apprentice; he could execute most moves with ease and with little practice and he was excellent at predicting his opponent’s next move. He was just bad at catching squirrels.

But being good wasn’t enough for Blazepaw, he wanted to be the best. He’d train long and hard after nightfall, when the clan was asleep, often overworking and injuring himself. He had to get stronger. No cat will make fun of him anymore, he’ll make sure of that.

So at this point I really worry for this apprentice, and worry that neither his mentor of the clan around him seemed to notice his struggle. I cant imagine that his mentor wouldnt have noticed his injuries and addressed them. He may be hot headed and determined to be the best, but there is only so much he can get away with before he should have consequences. Then again, if you do continue with the thread of Darkstar putting himself in danger, I suppose an absent mentor wouldnt be entirely unrealistic for the clan.

He was Blazestep now, but his goals never changed. And he was going to make it. He could already see Darkstar appointing him as deputy. He could see all of those mocking glares turn into quick, wary glances filled with fear. He could see himself standing on top of The Ruins (A/N: a place for the leaders to stand during clan meetings, it’s just an old church overgrown with weeds and trees), fur blowing in the wind, looking down at HawkClan. He could see himself racing towards battle, his clan at his back and Shadowkit at his side.

And then it was stripped away from him, by none other than Adderfang.

So I am curious about why the clan ended up liking (or at least respecting) Blazestep more than Adderfang, at least that was what I understood since it seemed he was considered a better warrior by the clan. He does seem to have a lot of anger issues to work out, so with your explanation of his character it makes a bit more sense that his sister is deputy, but I feel like there is a disconnect between your personal discussion of the siblings personalities and how the clan perceives them. Maybe its just a case of unreliable narrator. Is Blazestep really sneaky, and hides his true anger problems and ambition? I suppose if he was clever enough as an apprentice, and didnt push himself too far he might have been able to pull the wool over his mentor’s eyes, but he would have to be very clever and careful not to injure or tire himself so much that it would affect the rest of his training.

Anyway, I hope I didnt sound too critical, but these characters are very interesting and compelling, interesting enough that I was quite invested in them! I hope to see how you decide to write them in the end!

So, yeah, these two are the main duo of HawkClan. Sorry for the long read, I got pretty carried away while writing.

#warrior cats #non-canon clans #warriors OC #warriorsworldbuilding #submission

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warmau · 5 years

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This is a weirdly specific request but could you maybe do Monsta X as EMTs? or if you can only do a few members, Shownu, Wonho, and Jooheon? Please don't worry about it if you don't want to, it's just an idea that popped into my head and I'd love to see you write it.

‘you can’t save lives if you ain’t cute’ - shin hoseok

Shownu

is the emt that takes ANY injury - big or small - super seriously

usually emt’s will be like “do you want to go the hospital?” but shownu is like “get the stretcher we’re going to the hospital”

and you’re like um it’s ok it was just a tummy ache it really isn’t -

shownu: where is the oxygen mask kihyun. give it to me. this person is dying!

took him a whole year to get used to filling out applications on the tablet all the emt’s got

he just isn’t good with technology. still uses a pager

everyone BEGS him to get an iphone or an android anything but shownu just flips open his nokia like “oh look here - an sns from my mother!”

kihyun: what the fuck is an sns

but he’s actually really good at his job, because he really truly cares

and wants to make sure everything is done by the book and that whoever called for help actually gets help

he’ll be driving the ambulance and see a little old lady having trouble crossing the street and he’ll be like “im parking and helping her” even if everyone else complains

rookie emts who get paired with him usually think he’s intimidating because he’s kind of blunt and expressionless

but then they get to know him and they’re like oh my god he really is the papa bear of the hospital emts

you’re a rookie whose a little bit frightened of asking shownu for help on your first ride-along

but shownu notices your hands trembling over the bandages and oxygen packs

and he comes up behind you

and you’re like holy shit he’s huge and he’s going to yell at me because i just dropped a bunch of stuff and i probably didn’t put it where it belongs-

but then shownu just tells you that everything is labeled so it’s very easy to keep it organized

and he puts a hand over yours and you’re like

please don’t squish me to death,,,,,,,

but he just gently leads it over to the right container for bandages

and when you look up he gives you this small smile

and his face just goes from -__- to ^__^

and you’re like wait

oh my god

he’s so freaking cute?!!??!?!?!

and you start dropping things around him not out of fear but out of shyness

because oh he looked at me ahh what do i do!!!!!

and shownu just thinks to himself that he’s so proud of you for always doing your (clumsy) best

Wonho

is the emt that always ends up carrying patients around

sometimes because the stretcher is broken or they can’t get down the stairs in their house

but sometimes,,,,,,,just because the patient like requests he do it

(what can i say, wonho in those emt jumpsuits with his muscles out and his caduceus tattoo on his forearm ,,,,,,,,, he’s hot)

has on numerous times been told that he’s well you know,,,,,hot and he just touches his forehead like huh doesn’t seem like i have a fever

minhyuk turning to look at the camera like he’s in the office

but yeah no when people see him it’s like the instantaneously get better,,,,,,,like flu symptoms? gone! headache? adios!

wonho’s simple smile = healing

his goal is to be an emt for a while, but then to hopefully go on to be a firefighter

and everyone jokes that then he’ll have to carry even more people around and wonho is like why are you guys laughing,,,,,,,i don’t get it,,,,,,,

he’s just,,,,,a beautiful and strong,,,,,oblivious man

but it’s really heartwarming how much he really wants to help people like what a sweetheart

everyone can tell he looks up to shownu too

you meet wonho because he’s the emt to respond to your frantic call

after one of the kids you were babysitting got sick

and it’s like 3 in the morning and they’re crying and their little sister is crying and you’re like oh no oh no

and wonho shows up and you’re like im not sure what’s wrong please help i will exchange my life for these kids

and wonho is like ok ok let’s see

and he thinks it might be nothing too serious - but he says it’d be better to get them to the hospital

and you’re like ofc ofc rushing to get their coats, not caring at all that you’re all in your pajamas

and wonho just. he just picks the sick boy up and you’re like !!!!!!

but then the boys little sister is like me too!!

and you want to be like no honey your brother is sick so he has to be carrie-

but wonho just scoops her up in his other arm and is like “could you hold open the door for me?”

and ok, wow, who is this dude - like the hercules of emts? (that’s his nickname among the doctors LOL)

but he just carries them down to the ambulance no sweat

and when you’re trying to get in after them, he literally just lifts you up too

no sweat

and the whole ride you’re preoccupied making sure the kids are ok, while wonho kinda swoons because you’re so caring and nurturing even though you’re just a babysitter

and thank god when you get to the hospital the doctors are like it’s nothing too bad, just a really annoying cold

and the boy gets some medicine and falls asleep in the hospital bed with his sister beside him and you’re just watching them

thankful that nothing too serious happened when wonho comes in and he’s like hi!! and you’re like oh you’re our emt - thank you so much for helping!!

and he just shrugs and tbh he’s not too good at this but he bought you some coffee because it is like the middle of the night and you’ve just panicked so you need some energy

and you’re like wow thank you!!! and wonho is just like um also um my shifts end this friday if you’re free,,

and you almost spit out the coffee because wait is he asking you on a date

and he’s like A DATE???? I MEAN I GUESS??? and you’re like oh y-yeah im free!!!

and when the kids are discharged in the morning the little boy spots wonho and is like “since you carried me and my sister - can you carry our babysitter too?”

and wonho looks at you and outstretches his hands like sure! and you turn cherry red like kIDS,,,,,,leT THE EMT DO hIS JOB,,,,,,,,

wonho sulks a lil cuz he did wanna carry you too :( oh well maybe on your first date he’ll find an excuse !!

Jooheon

is the emt who always shows up sleepy to night shifts so people catch him with his earphones on inside the locker rooms to try and pump himself up

and it’s kinda cheesy because he’ll do a dance and you can hear the edm blasting from his ears

and then he pep talks himself like ‘c’mon jooheon - we’re saving LIVES and then we’re sleeping for TEN hours when the shift is over!’

is pretty squeamish for an emt

like he’s great and works really fast and well if the injuries aren’t too gory

but once there’s broken bones sticking out of skin

or torn up bloody wounds

he’s like gimmie one second,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,*goes to calm himself down in the front of the ambulance before returning like nothing happened*

he gets teased for it by other emts like changkyun and hyungwon who literally can look at bloody scenes all day

but jooheon is just like yeah laugh it up but then ill see whose laughing when they have to put their fingers into someones BUSTED KNEECAP

kids are his favorite patients because they really like him

and get as excited as he does about stickers and good job candy that the nurses give out

shownu calls him his son and jooheon is like stop!!!!! but also,,,,,,,,everyone knows shownu is the dad emt

makes funny faces to cheer up kids when they’re feeling really bad an all the emts try not to crack up at them too

you’re a nurse at the hospital jooheon does night shifts for

and you work pediatric emergency, so on numerous occasions you’ve seen jooheon use down time to cheer up some of the kids

you think it’s super adorable and always try to slip jooheon some bottled coffee or snacks for his ride alongs

and he’s always getting sheepish around you telling you you don’t have to do this for him

one night, when he’s in the hospital waiting for a call to come in

you bump into him in the pediatric ward

you guys talk as usual, the way you always do - pleasantries and whatnot

jooheon always compliments your nurses uniform - which usually has cartoon characters on it

and you always make sure to remind him to stay hydrated and rested

when suddenly you hear giggling

the two of you turn to look down the hall

and there’s a group of kids peeking their heads out of a room

and jooheon is like “hey guys - what’s going on?”

and you’re like “is something wrong, does anyone need me?”

but the kids just keep giggling

until one of them points at you both and goes

“when are you going to kiss?????”

you and jooheon both freeze, staring at them wide-eyed as the kids keep giggling

“he has to kiss them!! he likes them!!”

“ew kisses are grosssssssss! he has to hug them!!!!”

the kids start shouting all of this as you and jooheon just get more and more embarrassed

unsure of how else to make them stop, he turns to you and you’re about to ask him what you should do

when he pulls you into his arms

you can tell he’s shaking, the back of his neck as red as a tomato

but the kids all gasp and start clapping and it’s honestly so awkward at first

but then you hug him back and the sound of their giggling gets even louder

you let go of each other and jooheon is like “s-see we hugged, now it’s late go back to your beds!”

and they all dispearse their little group of chaos

leaving you and jooheon alone again

until he shifts a bit and you’re like “im sorry they can get so-”

but he’s just like “no,,no i uh i actually think they’re right”

“about what?”

jooheon looks down, “about kissing the person you like-”

but before he can finish, kihyun comes running around the corner yelling from jooheon to get his butt in the ambulance it’s an emergency downtown

jooheon has to run, but not before looking over his shoulder

and you kind of put your hand up and go

“ill be waiting for that kiss then?”

he goes red all over again,,,,,,,,but when he comes back,,,,,,you know,,,,,he’s totally gonna do it

559 notes · View notes

ancientbooshartifacts · 4 years

Text

Queerly Beloved

Author: SmilesAwakeYou

Year: 2009

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Garth Marenghi, Dean Learner, Todd Rivers, Dr. Rick Dagless, Lucien Sanchez, Liz Asher, Thornton Reed, Julian OC, Noel OC

Adjusting his tie and shifting the book in his hand, Garth regarded the camera aimed at his handsome face. He raised a brow and opened the pages of Blood Gush to read the genius that lied therein. Mustering all of his strength, he tried to think of what exactly it was he was trying to convey to the camera. What did newscasters call it again? Ah yes. Gravity. So, with all the gravity he could muster, he stared the camera down as inspired words tumbled from his lips. “’Ah,’ she yelled, clawing at the bloody stump that was once her beautiful pearly alabaster arm. ‘My arm, my bloody arm, what have you done with it you ruddy bastard?’ “’Eaten it, of course,’ replied the rabid magical badger who was still noshing on the bloody vestiges of her once beautiful appendage. With that, she kicked ‘im in the head so hard, his eyeballs popped out and exploded like two water balloons full of cream getting hit by a lorry.’” Turning his full attention back to the camera, Garth arched his eyebrow once more. “Hello. That was my terrifying and harrowing epic Blood Gush, a tale of a woman caught in a lie betwixt herself and a satanic cult of terrifying woodland animals.” He allowed a small smile to flit across his face. “Let’s see if you can muster up the courage to travel alone in the woods again after reading that bit of literature.” He killed the smile as a sudden burst of gravity hit him, causing him to scowl. “In my television program, Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, I sought to venture into the deepest, darkest, most dankest vestibules of my twisted psyche. What were my fears? What were my terrors? What had made me most whiz the bed as a kid? “As I answered those and many other unanswerable questions, I came to realize that the horror I had to spill upon the unsuspecting world would leave her crippled, mangled, like a bird that’s run into a closed window because it’s so stupid it can’t see that it’s glass and then leaves a streak of blood there that I’ve then got to go and clean up because my wife’s too squeamish, even though Sheffield United is playing. Because of this, Darkplace was canceled. That and the Beeb found out it had more stock footage of baby animals than it had originally thought, leading to the premiere of Baby Animals Yawning Are Quite Cute, Yeah? now entering its 25th season. “Anyway, as I questioned and pondered and schemed and was generally brilliant, I came up with an episode so mind-shakingly and bowl-movingly earth-shattering that it was never allowed on air… much like the other six episodes. Of course, it dealt with very sensitive issues and, with the help of my producer Dean Learner” – a picture of Dean and Garth flashed across the screen, both of them looking dapper as Dean stroked his glorious moustache – “we wrote what proved to be the most harrowing episode yet. An episode that dealt with… the Gay Issue.” Garth paused, waiting for such a monumentous statement to really sink in and stick to his viewers’ sides. “So join me now and sift through the demented horrors from my brain as this episode, previously unaired on British television, is seen for the first time. Unless you’re from Finland. They got a hold of it there somehow. We may be suing.” ******* CUE OPENING CREDITS EPISODE #7: “QUEERLY BELOVED” DR RICK DAGLESS, MD walks down a hallway in slow motion. Various hospital goers look on in impressed wonderment. He is truly a great man, as is evident from his walking prowess. DAGLESS [voiceover] Darkplace. It’s a bit mad to work in a place this dark. All this mad darkness can get to a lesser man. Sometimes I think I might just have to blow this popsicle stand and go somewhere a bit less mad and dark. LIZ and SANCHEZ walk by, waving merrily. But, hey, they people here ain’t so bad. Plus, were I to leave everything would go to shit. Cut to THORNTON’s office. THORNTON is sitting at the desk, smoking a cigar and stroking his moustache. DAGLESS [voiceover] Thornton Reed. Now there’s a mangy old grizzly bear if I’ve ever seen one. Which I haven’t but I have seen specials on the Beeb and they are quite impressive. Anyway, Thornton had called me in to discuss some very important business which was business as usual, given the fact that I was his official important-business go-to guy. DAGLESS So, what’s the word, Thornton? THORNTON Puts down his phone Oh, Dag! I cannot believe how mad and dark this place is. So mad and dark! If you were to leave, everything would go to shit. DAGLESS [voiceover] See? DAGLESS Well what dark madness is afoot today? THORNTON Well, you see, there’s some mess happening with one of our morticians. Turns out he’s gone missing! DAGLESS Missing you say? THORNTON Yes. DAGLESS Well, that’s no good. Probably off fucking about with one of the cadavers. THORNTON Laughs heartily before looking deadly serious. Now Dag, dead bodies aren’t something to joke about. Especially since all the cadavers are male! Necrophilia is one thing but gay necrophilia is a horse of a different color. Specifically all the colors… meaning a rainbow-painted horse. A gay, rainbow-painted, dead horse. DAGLESS Gives a manly laugh. If that’s one thing I can’t abide by, it’s anal sex with dead bodies. SANCHEZ and LIZ enter SANCHEZ What’s Rick talking about? His normal Friday night? LIZ Now come on fellas, there’s a lady present. DAGLESS Hardly! Everyone laughs at the hilarious joke. LIZ Still laughing. Oh, I find it so attractive when men put me in my place! THORNTON Striking his desk with resolve. Now now. Let’s come to order. As I was telling Rick, there’s a small order of business concerning a missing mortician. DAGLESS Necrophiliac you mean. Everyone laughs. THORNTON Now Dag, while I too find the prospect of a man getting his jollies by do the genital jamboree with some dead sod downright hilarious, we still need to figure out just where in the Dickens he might have got to. LIZ Is it possible he might have gone home? THORNTON Trust a woman to come up with such a stupidly hair-brained idea. He shakes his head. No, Liz, he hasn’t gone home because he CAN’T go home. He sleeps here. Prefers to, actually. Plus he’s contractually obligated. All the morticians are. Can’t have them running about, giving away secrets of the dead to just anyone. SANCHEZ Well where could he have got to? DAGLESS I don’t know. But wherever he’s got, we’ll find him. I think we should start in the basement. THORNTON Right, you three go down there to the morgue and I will stay here and make sure he’s not skulking about in the proper hospital. DAGLESS Sounds like a plan. ********* INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER Dean, his mustache twitching thoughtfully, gave the camera a baleful look. “Now, when Garth came to me with this idea, I thought he was downright mad. A whole episode about the gays? Preposterous! But then he sat me down and actually talked out the plot with me and, well, I’ll be diddled with a fiddle stick if it wasn’t downright brilliant.” INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI Arching an eyebrow, Garth regarded the camera. “Now, you might find it interesting to know that we actually created more of a stink with our talk about morticians than the homos. Surprising, that. Turns out morticians are very easily offended. It’s not our fault that their jobs almost invariably involve bumming the dead.” INTERVIEW WITH TODD RIVERS Todd, shifting in his chair, steepled his fingers as he contemplated the camera. “Well, yes, when Garth told me about the subject matter of this episode, I was duly alarmed but it is my duty as an actor to overcome all obstacles, no matter how gay. Actually, the thing I ended up taking issue with the most was all that bad-talking about morticians. I got an advanced copy of the script and told Garth, ‘Hey now! What have you got against morticians?’ You see, my grandfather worked in a morgue and I remember many a happy childhood day spent romping about, putting make-up on corpses and coming home smelling of grandma’s pie and formaldehyde. But Garth stuck to his guns and, yes, I think the episode benefited from it in the end.” ******* Cut to the basement. It is dreary and dripping noises sound from all around. DAGLESS [voiceover] Now this was certainly an odd case. Morticians are notorious for being boring and not having much of a life, so where could this one have disappeared to? It was quite a mystery indeed. SANCHEZ Oh, hey now, what was that? LIZ I didn’t hear anything. DAGLESS That means absolutely jack shit, Liz. It’s a well-known fact that men have a superior sense of hearing to women. What did it sound like, Sanch? SANCHEZ It sounded like a distant moaning. DAGLESS A distant moaning? SANCHEZ Yes. DAGLESS My, that is odd. LIZ Perhaps we should go down to the morgue? DAGLESS My God, Liz, no one likes a pushy woman. But perhaps you’re right. LIZ I’m sorry, Rick, that was out of line. DAGLESS It’s alright. There’s a wailing noise, like man mourning the loss of a child. Or that of a wounded monkey. SANCHEZ Hey now, what could that be? LIZ It sounds like it’s coming from the morgue. DAGLESS Only one thing to do then. Let’s go! They all begin to run in slow motion. Cut to MORGUE. DENNIS THE MORTICIAN pulls up his pants and whirls around. DENNIS Oh, Dr. Dagless. Other doctors. I didn’t hear you coming. SANCHEZ Well, you seem like you were too busy doing some “coming” yourself. DENNIS His small eyes dart about like a shrimp. I was just changing my pants. DAGLESS Right, well, we’re not here to discuss your disgusting habits. We came here to discuss a missing mortician. DENNIS Oh, you mean Maurice? Yes, he’s been missing since this morning. DAGLESS Any idea where he could’ve got to? DENNIS No. Not one. Though he did say that one of the bodies was behaving… strangely. Everyone exchanges a look. SANCHEZ Strangely, you say? DENNIS Yes. Strangely. Then he buggered off. Suddenly, the moaning noise is heard again. SANCHEZ Sweet holy moley, Dag, what was that? DAGLESS I dunno, but it’s sending chills right up the old spine chord. LIZ Perhaps we should go investigate? DAGLESS You and your bright ideas, Liz. The moaning continues. But perhaps this once you’re right…. Again. SANCHEZ Pulls out his pistol. C’mon lads! And lady. Let’s go find us a mortician! DAGLESS, LIZ, SANCHEZ and DENNIS all take off, running in glorious slow motion with intense music drumming in the background. They enter a small, dark room with candles and spiderwebs everywhere. DAGLESS [voiceover] As soon as we entered the room, I knew something was afoot. This was some bad joojoo. SANCHEZ I don’t feel good about this, Dag. DAGLESS I know. I know. DENNIS whips around and points to a corner. DENNIS Oh God! What is that? LIZ shrieks. LIZ Oh my, how horrible! A man with fantastic hair lurches forward, flinging out his arms and doing jazz hands in a sparkly red jumpsuit before grabbing SANCHEZ as his gun goes off. SANCHEZ and the man grapple and wrestle until DAGLESS jumps in to pull them apart. Throwing the man off of SANCHEZ, he pulls a cross out of his shirt. DAGLESS Be gone, foul creature! The man hisses and sashays away. DENNIS My God, that was Maurice! DAGLESS It’s too late now. You’re friend has become a vampire. A demon of the night. Nosferatu. LIZ Oh my! How could such a thing happen? DAGLESS Well, when you’re messing about with dead bodies all day, it’s no wonder that a vampire might sneak its way in. Turns to SANCHEZ. You alright? You’re holding your neck. SANCHEZ Holding his neck. Oh, I do believe I’ll be alright, old friend. He falls to his knees. But I think I also got bitten. He falls completely on the floor. DAGLESS drops to his knees and rips open his shirt. DAGLESS Nooooooo!! SANCHEZ picks his head up. SANCHEZ Well, I don’t think I’m dead yet, so you might still be able to save me. His head falls to the floor again. DAGLESS Oh. Alright. ******** INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER “People actually seemed surprised that Garth and I wrote this episode together. To be fair, it was Garth’s concept to begin with. But then I got in on the action which some people – i.e. my wife - found rather suspect. I mean, what’s so strange about two men researching an episode about gayness by going to pubs that cater almost exclusively to homosexuals? Sure, the experience was disgusting, but it was also educational.” He paused. “And hazy.” ****** Cut to a hospital bed where SANCHEZ is lying down, a bandage around his neck. SANCHEZ Thanks for dragging me out of that hell hole, friends. DAGLESS Not a problem, mate. I know you’d do the same for me. DAGLESS [voiceover] The problem was that we didn’t know when the vampirism would manifest itself. Or how. LIZ Don’t worry, Sanchez. You’ll be good as new soon. SANCHEZ Thanks, Liz. DAGLESS turns to DENNIS. DAGLESS Now you: go and try and find out where Maurice or whatever’s left of him could’ve disappeared to. I’ve got to go talk to Reed. Cut to THORNTON’S office. THORNTON Pounding his desk authoritatively. I don’t like it, Dag, I don’t like it one bit. A vampire? In this hospital? Now that is just a pain in my arse. And neck. DAGLESS I don’t like it much either, Reed. Not at all. And there was something a bit off with this vampire. He was a bit… fabulous. THORNTON Fabulous? What in God’s great glorious manteats do you mean by that? DAGLESS …I don’t know, Reed. I just don’t know. DAGLESS [voiceover] But I did know. Or at least, I had an inkling. I suspected that this vampire might be the rare kind… the campy kind. A gay vampire. ******* INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER “It was actually my idea to make it be vampires that would spread the gayness. Because, you know, gayness – just like vampirism – is spread through the blood.” He glanced over behind the camera to where the producer was shaking his head. “Oh, it isn’t? Well, anyway, that’s what we thought at the time. I originally wanted to call the vampires ‘campires’ – get it? Campy vampires? – but Garth didn’t get it and I thought… it Garth doesn’t get it, who in blue blazes will? So we chucked it. Best decision I’ve ever made.” INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI Garth regarded the camera with an annoyed look. “We ended up running into a bit of a problem with the gay community given the fact that the gayness could be transmitted through the blood. Something about AIDS or some bollocks. So I just said, ‘look, I don’t get all uppity when one of you tries to play it straight, alright? So don’t get in my face when I try and give you people some airtime.’” He smirked and settled back in his chair. “And that ended that argument.” He paused. “Although we weren’t allowed to air the episode. But that’s neither here nor there.” ******* Cut to SANCHEZ’s bedside. He is unconscious and DAGLESS sits beside him, looking manly and concerned. DAGLESS [voiceover] I was worried about Sanchez. Would he be turned gay? Or would he just become a vampire? I wasn’t sure which was worst. Sure, getting my blood sucked out by my best friend was bad enough but getting chatted up by him as well? That was just bone-chilling. SANCHEZ stirs. DAGLESS Can you hear me buddy? It’s your friend, Dag. Just know that I won’t rest until you’re back to normal. Of course, I might also have to give you a stake through the heart but, well, that’s something I’d be willing to do to save you. SANCHEZ In a faint voice. …Dag? DAGLESS moves in closer. DAGLESS Yeah, mate? SANCHEZ I… I feel strange… like… like someone’s doing the electric boogaloo in my Johnson… I’ve got the strange urge to… to dance to ABBA… DAGLESS Shh, it’s ok old friend. SANCHEZ I… I think I might fancy… Boy George… DAGLESS Fight it, Sanch, fight it! SANCHEZ I… Dag? DAGLESS Yeah? SANCHEZ What am I wearing? With that he pulls down his sheets to reveal that he is wearing cut-off jean shorts and a bedazzled silver top as well as a kerchief. His eyes have also gone red and vampire fangs appear. DAGLESS raises an anguished fist. DAGLESS Nooooo! THORNTON and LIZ burst in as SANCHEZ prances up to try and bite DAGLESS. They struggle until DAGLESS gets out his cross again, throwing the transformed SANCHEZ off of him. SANCHEZ cowers in glorious slow motion. SANCHEZ Waaaaargh! ******** INTERVIEW WITH TODD RIVERS Todd crinkled his forehead, his fingers still steepled. “Uh, in that scene I was actually meant to kiss Dagless rather fervently on the mouth. But, as I’ve stated in previous interviews, there’s no limit to my acting… save when it comes to making whoopee with another man. Because while I may be a professional, I’m still straighter than two jockstraps filled with testosterone. And me trying to do the tongue tango with a bloke, well… it just wouldn’t be convincing. Even if I acted my ruddy pants off.” ********* The fighting continues until SANCHEZ is thrown off DAGLESS, causing him to lash out at both LIZ and THORNTON. DAGLESS Get away from them you animal! But it is for naught because both LIZ and THORNTON are bitten. THORNTON Oh, oh ow! That ruddy hurts, it does! LIZ Oh, I do believe I have been wounded! SANCHEZ pauses before running out and DAGLESS goes to the doorway. DAGLESS I will find you and get you! LIZ and THORNTON both fall to the floor. Oh no! Liz! Reed! He looks to the sky. Noooooooo! Sanchez! You gay bastard! Dennis bursts in. DENNIS Dagless! I believe I found out who the root of the problem is! He looks around. What happened here? DAGLESS They got bitten by Sanchez. I’ve got to go stop him before he bites anyone else. DENNIS But wait! You know that body that Maurice had said was behaving strangely? DAGLESS Yes? DENNIS Turns out he’s the head vampire! Only he, uh, bit me too. He continues to look unharmed. DAGLESS looks him up and down. DAGLESS Where? DENNIS shifts uncomfortably before gesturing to his bathing suit area. Ah. Well, where is this vampirical bummer? DENNIS Downstairs. Hurry! DAGLESS runs out of the door. Cut to the basement again. It is still dark and dank and drippy. DAGLESS is running through the halls in slow motion. DAGLESS [voiceover] Now this was worrisome. The head vampire? Here? In this very basement? That was quite the head scratcher. Why here? Why Darkplace? Why Sanchez? This bastard was going to answer those questions. And more. DAGLESS enters the cave-like room that MAURICE was in before. There is a man standing there in a purple cape with his back to DAGLESS. DAGLESS Oi! You! The vampire turns around. He has on sparkly gloves and a pink fedora. He hisses. VAMPIRE How did you find me, lovie? DAGLESS By my own wits. That and Dennis told me you were down here. VAMPIRE Really? He didn’t seem to mind me too much before. DAGLESS Scowls in disgust. Hey, what you do in the privacy of your own home is your business. Except for when you’re at my hospital. The VAMPIRE starts to advance but DAGLESS whips out his cross again, stopping him in his tracks. Nope, not so fast. Now tell me… why are you here? VAMPIRE Very well. I can tell your will as well as your heterosexuality is too strong for me to sway. He sweeps his cloak and walks around the room, DAGLESS mirroring him. I came to this hospital by accident – I had been hiding out after wreaking havoc on a naval yard by posing as a dead body – and couldn’t help but bite that pretty Maurice when I saw him. Now that I’ve seen this place, I’ve realized that the hostpital is no place for a woman… it is a place for big, beautiful, capable men doctors. And I love it! Not even you can stop me from making this into one big poof factory! Because that is the goal of the gay vampire: MAKE EVERYONE ELSE GAY! DAGLESS I can stop you and I will stop you! Just you wait! The VAMPIRE cackles before disappearing in a plume of smoke, leaving DAGLESS alone and coughing. The others! DAGLESS dashes out of the cave. ******** INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI “Now, there were accusations that this episode was homophobic.” Garth scoffed, leaning forward to regard the camera. “So, yeah, maybe I do find bumming grotesque, but this episode is about awareness, yeah? To show that homos are people too. Or rather anyone can be gay.” He thought for a moment. “Or a vampire.” INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER “Yeah, I heard lots of things, right, like ‘oh, you’re perpetuating the stereotype that gay is contagious’ but no!” Dean pointed a decisive finger at the camera. “No. We were trying to show that it’s not contagious.” He paused, stroking his moustache. “Lest of course you exchange bodily fluids. Big difference.” ****** Cut to THORNTON’s office. SANCHEZ and THORNTON are dancing to loud techno music while DENNIS and MAURICE throw satsumas at each other in their underwear and giggle. THORNTON is dressed only in a mesh shirt and a banana hammock. Everyone has fangs. DAGLESS bursts in, breathless. DAGLESS No! No men! Remember you’re men, not poofs! Everyone ignores him. SANCHEZ runs his fingers through THORNTON’s hair and grinds against him. ****** INTERVIEW WITH TODD RIVERS Todd’s hands fell into his lap and he shifted, avoiding the camera lens with his eyes. “Yeah, I don’t actually remember filming that scene.” ********* DAGLESS Turn off the techno! Put on your pants! Stop with the glitter! The VAMPIRE enters in a cloud of smoke, laughing. VAMPIRE All are powerless to the draw of manflesh! He outstretches his hand, flashing his fangs at DAGLESS. Join us, Rick! Join usssss. DAGLESS Never! At that moment, LIZ enters. Her arm is wrapped around another very attractive nurse. LIZ Hi, Dag. So you found the head vampire? DAGLESS nods. Oh, well, I’m a lesbian now. This is Nancy. NANCY Hi! LIZ Isn’t she adorable? DAGLESS Er… LIZ and NANCY begin to snog. It is very hot. Everyone stops dancing to stare at them. MAURICE drops a satsuma. VAMPIRE What? Why did you stop dancing? Keep going! Grind on each other! DAGLESS laughs a manly laugh. DAGLESS You forgot, vampire, the only thing a heterosexual man can never forget: that lesbians are HOT. VAMPIRE Nooooo! DAGLESS And now, for your weakness… He pulls out a wooden stake. Stake to the heart! At that, he thrusts the stake into the VAMPIRE’s heart. He shrieks and disappears. The techno music turns off and everyone goes back to wearing their normal clothes save MAURICE, who stays in the red jumpsuit. LIZ and NANCY stop making out, causing everyone to groan. SANCHEZ Come on, Liz! Don’t stop now! LIZ Sorry fellas, I’m back on men. SANCHEZ Hey-o! LIZ …Except for Sanchez. SANCHEZ …Hey! THORNTON Thank Christ on a cracker for you Dag! I was actually beginning to think Duran Duran was a stellar band! And Sanchez’ pecs were driving me absolutely nutty. SANCHEZ Thanks, Reed. But thank you more, Dag. Without you, we all would have been bumming within the hour. MAURICE Yeah, thanks for saving us! DAGLESS Don’t mention it. Just remember to be more careful when you muck about with those dead bodies from now on, ok? DENNIS Will do. Now we need to get back downstairs to those cadavers. DAGLESS And your necrophilia! Everyone laughs for a good two minutes. MAURICE Alright, thanks again! MAURICE and DENNIS begin to leave, holding hands. SANCHEZ Um, you fellows do know you don’t need to do that anymore right? They exchange a look and drop their hands. DENNIS Right, yes, sure, it’s a… a mortician thing. THORNTON Right… or a gay thing! Everyone laughs again as the camera pans to look at each of their mirthful faces. Cut to the roof of Darkplace. DAGLESS is standing, solitary, overlooking the city below. DAGLESS [voiceover] That day we dealt with vampires, sparkly shirts, gays and, most importantly, the hotness that is two women snogging each other. What did we learn? Was there a point to it all? Had that mortician really been boning a dead body? Was there a reason why that other mortician had been dressed like a very tarty woman? Did Liz have any lingering bisexual tendencies? These and other questions had to be pondered. But for now, we were all a little bit older, a little bit wiser and a little bit more wary about going into the basement. ********** INTERVIEW WITH DEAN LEARNER Dean shifted in his chair, cocking his head and lighting a cigar. “Sure, so maybe the focus groups didn’t go wild for the episode but I thought it was a hell of a success.” He paused, looking wistful and taking a puff. “I just didn’t see why my wife felt the need to use it as evidence during our divorce.” INTERVIEW WITH GARTH MARENGHI Garth leaned back in his chair, an earnest look on his face. “So, as you can see, there was absolutely no homophobia in this episode. Only truth. And two hot women getting it on. So, really, the gays didn’t need to get all up in arms about it. And the guy who played the Vampire? Absolutely did not need to sue us. I mean, how was I to know he was actually gay? You should really warn people about that before they accidentally make jokes about poofters and shirt-lifters in front of you, expecting you to laugh.” Garth regarded the camera with utmost seriousness. “It’s just common courtesy.” CUE END CREDITS

#the mighty boosh #mighty boosh #boosh #Garth Marenghi's Darkplace #darkplace #garth marenghi #Dean Learner #Todd Rivers #liz asher #Lucien Sanchez #rick dagless #Thornton Reed #dean learner/todd rivers

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