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seoafin · 3 years

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BYE I WAS IMMERSED WITH GENSHIN’s STORY PLOT (AND THE FANARTS ON MY TL) WHICH WAS ALSO DROPPED EARLIER THIS MORNING AND FORGOT ABT JJK FOR A SPLIT SEVONDSJJSJEJ

but anyways ,, jjk 145// the more i write abt it, the more i’ll sound incoherent, this is ur last warning to ignore this 🧍‍♂️(1)

the one who is based on avalokitesvara (i’ll start calling it them as kannon from now) that i mentioned was actually brain (out of ppl) 😭😭

kenjaku (羂索) is shorten from "不空羂索観音 (fukukenjakukannon)" ,, they existed b4 the heian period... older then sukuna ?? suggested that brain is at least 1k years old... hsjsjjsjs

fukukenjakukannon, a manifestation of the buddhist god of mercy and compassion,, perhaps of some interest is that the fukukenjaku shares some kanji with gojou's infinite void followed by kanjis for trap & rope, with kannon directly referring to an all-knowing/overseeing divine existence. it rly does seem that kenjaku, tengen, and gojou's fates have all been strongly interwined throughout history,, kannon has been perceived as both male and female depending on the portrayal and the region, not unlike jjk's kenjaku switching bodies and genders over the course of time (kamo vs kaori vs getou)

some associations with kannon may be relevant to jjk. namely, as yuki mentions, salvation ,, kannon is a deity to serve his subjects, and resolve their suffering by eliminating its source,,, in which case, i think kenjaku's goal may possibly not be too far off from geto’s ,,,,, he may think that he is saving a group that is enduring greater suffering than any other. whether that is shamans, cursed spirits, or sth else entirely is up for debate. given his persistence over the millenia, and the likelihood of spreading suffering worldwide through a universal tengen merger, it's more than likely that he has a very personal motive. note that under his plan it is specifically the evil of a human that would spread and destroy all of humankind connected through tengen

this is an interesting contrast to sukuna, who is much more whimsical and far less calculated. i think the clash between these 2 in the past will have strong relevance for the future,,, on the other hand, since kannon has historically manifested in response to the suffering of various beings, it may be that the feelings of cursed spirits as a whole have led to kenjaku's existence. he could very well be a curse born from curses, instead of from humans.

okay now what i'm really excited abt: the relationship between kenjaku and the 6 eyes. 1 of the functions of kannon is to protect the 6 realms of rebirth/the 6 paths. u may already be familiar with this buddhist concept as it has been referenced in a variety of animanga (notably it is a major plot point of naruto, it's mukuro's ability in KHR, etc.). there's strong reason to believe this concept also has connections to the gojou 6 eyes ability. i think if we get to learn more abt the 6 eyes, i may be able to speak more on this point.

(as a side note here, i’ll mention that there’s an association between kannon and the protection of aborted children, perhaps relating to og kamo and the death paintings)

at the very least, we know that kenjaku and the 6 eyes are in opposition, and i'm speculating that the gojou bloodline is the true manifestation of a protective deity, at least for the humans, and kenjaku's goals are antithetical to that,,, perhaps, as yuki kind of suggested, taking the name kenjaku is a joke of sorts. if sukuna is malevolence incarnate, kenjaku is mercilesness,,

i think some of the core concepts being explored by the tengen storyline are that of form and existence. gojou satoru, tengen, kenjaku, and eventually the star plasma vessels are existences that transcend the norm,,, toji on the other hand, is the only example of the opposite. an existence that shouldn't have ever existed, in a sense. kenjaku seemed to have used that to his advantage in his manipulation of the events in hidden inventory,,, but it also leads me to believe that only a similar anomaly could undo the new destiny he's setting up for himself.

geto was the perfect piece to set kenjaku up for success in conducting a merger and putting this culling game into motion. geto's path has led to this outcome,,, in which case, an apt parallel as we have known all along is that gojou's path should lead to the counter-outcome: megumi, yuuta, and especially yuuji— these 3 will be the key to unravelling kenjaku's plan.

also tengen said that kenjaku’s objective is to send all the ppl in jpn to higan or turning all non shamans into one but he doesnt have enough cursed energy to do that,,, i did say that yuuji’s birthday took place in the 4th solar term where a part of a week long celebration haru no higan (higan 彼岸→other shore, buddhist pārāmitā), when ppl would honour the dead and sweep ancestral tombs took place,,,

so theres this buddhist mantra, called the “heart sutra” and the last verse of the sutra is,,

there are many sutras in buddhism, but the most well-known among them is probably the Heart Sutra,, altho it depends on the sect (of buddhism), the heart sutra is often read at funerals and memorial services, so even if,, and for some reason the sutra is often associated to kannon even in the utube thumbnail 👁👁 if u search up prajnaparamita sutra,,

heart sutra has the meaning of "an important teaching to reach the state of enlightenment by the power to see through the truth and essence." which is based on the idea of "void" as this important teaching,, the sutra tells us what we shld do to be free from the suffering of this world and live in peace,, in the heart sutra, the idea of "void" is especially important.

buddhism can be broadly divided into theravada and mahayana buddhism,,,,

theravada is a teaching that only some ppl (those who practice buddhism with strict lifestyle like the monks) reach the state of enlightenment, while mahayana is a teaching that all ppl (some who practice Buddhism) can reach enlightment even if u dont practice anything related to the religion,,, the idea of the void has the idea of not being caught up in individual things and not being obsessed with it, and the idea of heart sutra belongs to the category of mahayana buddhism

"void" does not mean "empty" but "no substance (no fixed shape)". the sutra also states that "everything keeps changing" and "although it keeps changing, the essence (core) of things remains the same."

for eg, the idea is, "i am me, no matter how old i am,, my appearance and various abilities deteriorate, how I am evaluated by others, whether i feel good or bad."

in other words,,, it’s a teaching to be aware of the essence without being caught up in the phenomenon of change.

"void" means "no substance (no fixed shape)", which means that u don't have to be obsessed with things or get caught up in one value.

eg, the reason why diamonds are beautiful is that diamonds arent beautiful from the beginning, but that humans decide that they’re beautiful,,, and that each person has a fixed evaluation of the movement of their hearts that they feel is beautiful. but thats not always the case right?

the last verse goes like this :

“Therefore, Prajna Paramita is known as the most divine mantra,

the great enlightening mantra,

the utmost mantra,

the incomparable mantra,

destroyer of all suffering!

Since what is true is not in vain, listen to the mantra of the Prajna Paramita– it goes like this:

GATE GATE PARA GATE PARASAM GATE BODHI SVAHA!”

the translation of the last line is: “going, going, going on beyond, always going on beyond, always becoming buddha.”

quoted from a web here : “it suggests movement toward awakening. It expresses the enlightenment of a buddha as an unfolding process, rather than a steady state. It puts us in the hopeful position of one who may not have arrived, but who may be on the way. The destination may not be an end, but the journey itself.

As appealing as this translation is, it is by no means the only one. When you do an Internet search for the terms “Heart Sutra” or “Prajna Paramita” you get numerous references. At these various pages you will find several different translations of the mantra. These include:

* Gone, gone, gone beyond, gone altogether beyond. Oh what an awakening! All hail!

* Gone, gone, gone beyond altogether beyond, Awakening, fulfilled!

* Gone, gone, gone to the Other Shore, attained the Other Shore having never left.

* Gone, gone, totally gone, totally completely gone, enlightened, so be it.

* “Oh, you have done! You have done! You have completely crossed the margin. This is Enlightenment! Congratulations!” “

the irony though of toji dying thinking that he should've stuck his principles but actually having ridiculous impact on the world,, this also puts a new spin on the "look upon the flesh of one who is free" (afaik it was left untranslated on his cover page when he invade dagon’s domain) and the implication is imo,,, the more cursed energy, the more restrictions and so in a way humanity goes into a devolution the more cursed energy there is because they will be bound even more tightly to the cycle than before,, which is the irony of the kenjaku & bodhisattva linkage

toji had a heavenly restriction and has zero cursed energy, which is an anomaly that is his own, which makes me wonder what he would've been like if he had an expressed technique,,, but it's the zero cursed energy part, that uniqueness, that makes him powerful in canon

im rly curious how having cursed power automatically seems to lock u into a binding,,, which is seemingly fate. the shaman world rly operates entirely on rules,, where this is because of tengen's barriers or the origin of techniques being more commonplace im not sure

i used to think CTs came abt when individual sorcerers made pacts with supernatural beings etc but now im not sure,, despite leaning hard on shinto and buddhist frameworks there isnt much overt indication over what is and is not a real power in canon,,, like we have mahoraga but are bodhisattvas assumed to be real and exist? or as figures of belief, are they and other figures of shinto mythology, all just cursed spirits in the end?

but that tengen is linked with the proliferation of 6 eyes and star plasma vessel, makes me start wondering how and why tengen started this whole barrier thing,, like yes jpn has a ton of cursed spirits but was it before or after the barrier i can't remember now

maybe Kenjaku was messing around too much back then,, i like how sukuna also maybe had very lil to do with this and is possibly going to interfere as a wild card once more. is the idea to use him as a hail mary so u convey more ppl to the other side all at once? unless kenjaku thinks sukuna is the person who got closest to the next evolution of humankind and is actually a fan 🥴

but yeah if sukuna and megumi can remake the world together can they just hit the reset button so tengen isn't somehow this massive jungian collective unconscious? is sukuna going to accidentally save the world lol,,, i didn't care for fate themes before since it felt like akutami hadn't wholly committed to it as a theme,,, but fate and collective responsibility/influence on the individual just became a much bigger theme

also the mind/body/soul thing with tengen,,, when is that idea coming back

so tengen and sukuna are so far the only ppl who have said to have evolved into curses, whereas kenjaku still seems to be a shaman, as well as angel. what catalyzes that??

also how tf are the cursed weapons made i have questions,, just putting it out here but i actually thought that if toji, presumably, didnt rebel and defected from the clan,,, what are the chances of zenin thinking of turning him into a cursed weapon lol

,,, does being a cursed spirit mean u are bound even more tightly to fate? or do u escape because u are no longer a human bound by ur technique and u are instead just energy that keeps cycling over and over.....cursed energy rly just karma with strength mechanics???

why did gojou get rid of the black rope only for yuuta go to find more??? seems contradictory,, like...did he exorcise sth in that couple years gap?? or were there other reasons? or is HE the one scared since he also hid the inverted spear of heaven,,, makes me wonder how common knowledge all these mechanics actually are

trying to wrap my head around potential megumi learned helplessness or not being able to work through his own problems, or if it's this weird backward wishing that he didn't HAVE to deal with problems if he didn't HAVE to do these things and there were simple solutions,,, like i don't think he's exactly lazy bc he seems to do a lot of work behind the scenes, but there's a certain stasis to him, a wishing not to know. i wonder if he was ever given the "u are a child and I'm the adult" speech nanami gave yuuji

nanami, qifrey and maybe reigen are the adult/ mentor figures i wish was/ is in my life orz

i think it's kind of funny how 145 is like suddenly christianity! this manga is just abt the many ways people seek freedom and want to be delivered,,,

but im not going to talk abt it 😔 — i only have lil to no knowledge abt it other than the lil trivias my friends dropped time to time whenever we’re having a discourse abt religion suddenly lmao and im not a big fan of talking abt things idk abt bc i’ll just look stupid otherwise LMAO

its interesting to note that christian have this uh for a lack of better way to describe it, higher power which can grant u eternal salvation or damnation while buddhism is just fending for urself in pursuit of enlightment ,,, while buddhism also have beings like devas/ deities it just means that 1) if ur born as one, u must have done a good deed sometime in one of ur previous lives,, 2) u just have a ridiculous long life span but yes u’ll eventually die again and rebirth as sth depending on ur actions,,, that goes for living in gods, demi-gods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts or hells realms

this is completely unrelated but,, my mother used to blast the heart sutra frequently in my house back then and the only thing i catch is the “gate gate parasamgate bodhi svaha” which i used ,, whenever i see sth..that is supposed to be unseen

theres this time i stayed behind in cram school for an exam,, i purposely took a another path from my usual one to clear my head (but im still familiar) and i saw this guy standing on the side road and the only thing that went thru my mind back them was “why is he not moving? is he waiting for someone? is he lost or sth,, the main road is just 6 foot away tho lol”

it was until i keep looking at each house that i finally notice that the spot he stood on is not even a ground lvl asphalt,, it’s a fucking sewer which means that he’s actually floating 😭😭 i just jogged and say sth along the line “wow today, ma is cooking hotpot for dinner (i actually have no idea what she plans to cook everyday) i dont want to eat it cold,, so i better hurry up” out loud while chanting the verse in my head

theres also this time me and a friend were sitting on my motorcycle after getting our late night food run until a particular smell and when we stay silent, a woman is singing on the branch right above us that we dipped right away and i almost catch a ticket for speeding all the while thinking abt that verse💀

i dont mind seeing one of “them” but i do have a problem with them following me back home and end up haunting my house for some period of time,, that one or sth ghost who slam things around and giggle in the middle of the night is enough for me to deal with 😀

now im off crying abt genshin (again) now and i’ll go back to sleep afterwards,,, ALSO I LOVE WITCH HATE ATALIERJSJEJEJ- 🐱 (2)

you literally brought up THE SAME EXACT QUESTIONS I HAVE!!! like why would gojo send yuuta to find more of the rope if he destroyed it in the first place?? unless he destroyed it in the heat of the battle with miguel during the prequel but it didn’t look like that. also i saw on twitter kenjaku might not even be a male?? apparently when referring to kenjaku, tengen didn’t use gendered pronouns. im also super curious as to how the six eyes, star plasma vessel (riko...), tengen, and kenjaku are all entwined because kenjaku’s plan was a long time coming, even though he was foiled two times already.

this reminds me of the heavenly restrictions because im still so confused about what exactly it is!! is it something a person is born with or is it something that is placed on a baby by another person??

you brought up fate too and i think that’s such an interesting concept like with akutami making more and more references to the heian era and the “golden age of sorcery” in the end I feel like everything led up to this moment. the existence of cursed energy too just feels like this “endless cycle of fate” which makes sense considering this theme also kinda aligns with yuuji’s birth which was pre planned. idk...this whole thing is suddenly feeling so much more insidious than we may have originally thought.

the sudden christianity mention is a pretty odd choice on akutami’s part but a lot of ppl (including me) are speculating that hana is going to be a harbinger of doom or something. once again is she even japanese?? the western concept of angels have never been particularly altruistic either.

unfortunately gojo has always been treating megumi like an adult so i don’t think he was ever given the “you are a child” talk from gojo. we can see it in their first meeting too. when their conversation takes a turn to serious, it becomes a conversation is from one adult to another. gojo also seems like the type to pile even more responsibility onto megumi because gojo isn’t responsible, so megumi had to pick up that slack.

i agree with you. i think sukuna is literally a wild card LMAO he does what he wants when he wants and that’s in. i don’t even think you can have a contingency plan for sukuna because he’s just that unpredictable!!!

nanami, qifrey and MAYBE reigen LSDNFKJFKN....reigen beats gojo by far though so i’ll give reigen that (that's not saying much tho tbh 😭) reigen's still sexy as hell tho 😁

also you mentioned khr!! khr is one of my favorite mangas of all time....although amano akira cannot write women despite being one khr still holds a very special place in my heart. i had no idea mukuro was influenced by kannon (to be fair i was like 14) but then again...mukuro’s eyes....i can’t believe our tastes in animanga are the same....bestie our taste>>>

HELLO???? YOU’RE RUNNING INTO SUPERNATURAL CREATURES LIKE THAT??? also motorcycles!! now im like 80% sure you're in SEA somewhere, bc as someone who lived in a SEA country for 3 years and went to school in a haunted building I feel you LMAO

#as always....you truly never miss!!!!#and witch hat atelier is sooo good #i love qifrey....white haired anime man of my heart!!!#🐱 anon #all ur analyses are MWAH

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akiology · 4 years

Text

Hello, Are You There? || Part 2

Minako tries the number neighbor thing. Thinking it was an inactive number, she decides to vent and express her frustrations, turning it into a sort of mini diary. What she didn’t expect was somebody was actually on the other line and decided to send a message back.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Word Count: 4.3k+

Pairing: Akihiko Sanada x Minako Arisato

Note: this chapter includes a long text message thread between headphones and pancakes ehe and some slight angst jfjfdnjf im sorry the next one is gonna be fluffy i promise ; u ; ALSO i accidentally posted this w/o the proper editing so if u saw this b4 im sorry fhrkjfrbf

“Arisato, your grades aren’t so impressive these past few weeks, may I know why?” Miss Toriumi, the teacher in-charge of Minato’s class, asks with concern evident in her voice. This was so unlike him, he always manages to snag the highest scores and is an excellent student. Minato just shrugs nonchalantly. Miss Toriumi sighs, probably realizing Minato probably won’t open up any time soon.

“Arisato, I know you don’t feel comfortable opening up to me. But I hope you are at least opening up to someone. Perhaps your sister?” Miss Toriumi continues. Minato shrugged once again. Before Miss Toriumi could continue once more, a fellow student entered the room.

“Miss Toriumi, you are needed at the Student Council room.” Miss Toriumi gave a quick nod to the other student, and turns to Minato. “Well, I am needed elsewhere. I will take my leave, but please keep in mind that you can talk to me if you need guidance.”

Minato walked out of the Faculty Room and headed for the school gates.

These past few days, Minato has felt… lost.

He overheard his classmates talking about which career paths they will be pursuing, and he felt… left behind. His classmates have already started planning their future and they seemed so… certain.

Minato hasn’t felt the feeling of certainty ever since their parents went abroad without them. They said it's for work, but right now, he really isn't sure if it really is for work. Before they left, he heard them saying that ‘the children are getting bothersome to deal with’. Ever since then, the feeling of stability, the feeling of being sure about something has become a foreign concept to him. Do his parents still love them? Are they a burden? If he was wrong for thinking that his own parents most certainly love and support them, then what about the others? Who's to say he isn't wrong with everything else? Minato envies his classmates, because even though they are the same age as he is, somehow they have already gotten everything figured out for themselves.

‘Why couldn’t he be more like that?’ He could hear the voice in his head say.

This train of thought is the only thing occupying his mind for the past few days, and it has greatly affected his life. His academic grades, his club performance, and even his relationships with both his friends and his very own sister.

Ever since the seed of doubt in his mind was planted, the voice in his head started getting louder and braver.

‘What do you think you’re doing?’

‘Are you sure that’s the right choice?’

‘You probably won’t go far in life.’

‘You’re a failure. That’s why they left.’

He tried everything he can to drown out the voice in his head. He tried listening to music, hanging out with his friends, playing at the arcade, anything. Anything to make it go away or so that he can no longer hear it.

But of course, it is not that easy.

He wanted to talk to his sister, he really did. But he didn’t know how to. It was something he had in common with his sister. Despite being surrounded by many friends, opening up still remains difficult for the both of them. And what makes it even harder is that, he doesn’t know how to explain this feeling of his. Deep down, he is thinking that, perhaps, this was just something he made up himself and that it is not real. So he tried driving his attention somewhere else.

He decided to go somewhere quiet, somewhere hidden.

He let his feet lead him, with his loud music blasting from his headphones.

This mindless walking led him to the train station’s back alley.

It was deserted. Perfect.

He sat down and closed his eyes. Eventually his phone started vibrating. Picking it up, he received a message from Minako.

Sis: hey im in a study grp w fuuka and yukari

Sis: ill be late so eat b4 u go home

Minato was about to send a reply to his sister, when three older men approached him.

“Hey, little man. What are ya doing here?” One of them, whom Minato assumed was their leader, asked him. They didn’t seem too happy with seeing an unfamiliar boy at their hangout spot.

“Nothing.” Minato replied simply, shoving his phone in to his pocket and fixing his headphones into position. The men, however, were irritated by this.

“Ye’r in our spot.” The leader, who apparently has a nose piercing, took a step closer. They tried to look intimidating, but it did not faze Minato one bit.

“And?”

“Leave.”

“No.”

The guy was starting to get angry, and started digging around in his pocket. “Ye’r from Gekkoukan High, aren’t ya? Damn, one of yous are always trying to waltz around here like some hotshot, but guess what? Ye’r not.”

“Ok.” Minato said absentmindedly. And finally, the man reveals what he was hiding in his pocket. A knife. Minato stood up quickly. “I’ll leave.”

“Haha, ye’r too late. I am angry now.” The man swings his knife, and Minato was barely even able to dodge it. It grazed slightly against his cheek, forming a small scar.

“Hey, stop that!” A tall man wearing a beanie and maroon peacoat quickly came to his rescue. He was able to restrain the man and retrieve the knife from him. Mr. Nose Piercing tried flailing around, but the tall man was much stronger than he is.

“Hey, let him go!” The two other guys who entered with Mr. Nose Piercing, approached the tall male restraining their friend. But before they could attack, another male, a silver-haired gentleman wearing a red vest came, and was able to knock down one guy.

The one left standing kneeled down, pleading for mercy. “Please! I didn’t do anything! It was all him!” He then pointed at Mr. Nose Piercing. The tall, beanie-wearing man scoffed, “Wow, selling your friend out just to be able to escape? How pathetic.”

“Aki, get the knife.”

“Got it, Shinji.”

Mr. Beanie, or Shinji as he was called, dropped Mr. Nose Piercing onto the ground.

“Take your friend, and the other one too. Don’t come back or else we will call the police.”

“Fuck ya, Aragaki! I thought ye were one of us!” Mr. Nose Piercing shouted but quickly exited when he was able to successfully carry his knocked-down friend.

Shinji shook his head and muttered under his breath, “I was never one of you.”

Mr. Red Vest (Minato forgot his name) turned to him and asked, “What were you doing here?”

“I was trying to clear my head.”

Mr. Red Vest looks around, “In here?” He didn’t seem to understand why he chose this out of all the places in Port Island. It was really unhygienic and lots of trashes are strewn around. If he were to go here to clear his head, he’d probably exit more troubled than before.

“Well, you did find me here. So yes, here. I was trying to clear my head here.” Minato sarcastically quipped. Mr. Red Vest looked so confused.

Shinji, approached Minato and gave him a band-aid and an unopened water bottle. Minato raised his eyebrows.

“For your scar. I only have water for now, so use it to clean it. Then cover it with the band-aid. When you get home do a more thorough clean, though. It’s a small scar but better be safe than sorry.” Shinji stated. When Minato accepted the items, Shinji put his hands back into his pockets.

“Don’t come back here anymore. Find another place to clear your head. Let’s go, Aki.”

Ah, Mr. Red Vest was named Aki.

“Um, alright. Goodbye.” Aki awkwardly gave a small wave, and they left. Minato decided to gather his belongings and go home.

/./

As Minato approached the apartment, he pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time. However, his phone died. Minato sighs and when looked up, he notices that the lights are on.

Minako is home.

He brought his hand up to his face, feeling around the band-aid that was placed. He hopes Minako doesn’t notice. The last thing he wants to do is stressing Minako out even more. As he turns the doorknob, he looks down. Hopefully, not meeting her eyes would make it less obvious. As he opens the door, he was met with his sister who was in front of the door. ‘Was she going out?’

“And just where have you been?” Minako asked in a harsh tone. It was rare for her to speak like that and when he heard it, he flinched.

Not wanting to anger her even more, he lied. “With the boys.”

“Lies. They told me they didn’t know where you were.”

‘Well, shit.’

‘You’re just gonna come up with a lie and it was a terrible one.’

Not wanting to receive her wrath, he skimmed past her.

“Minato, I am talking to you.”

He stopped abruptly, still not turning to face her, “What?”

“What? What?! What do you mean ‘what’? I was worried sick! You didn’t answer any of my calls, and your friends didn’t know where you were! Not to mention that it’s late, who knows what kind of criminal could be lurking around the streets at this moment!” He could hear the frustration and worry in Minako’s voice, but he couldn’t bring himself to face her.

He feels that if he did, he’ll break down.

“Calm down, I got home safely didn’t I? It’s fine. You’re worrying over nothing.” Minato cringed at what he said, he knew that he sounded extremely self-centered right now but he couldn’t take it back anymore.

‘You’re the bad guy.’

Minato quickly got up the stairs, not wanting to say any more things that he didn’t mean.

“Minato Arisato, come back down here! I am not done talking to you!”

/./

The next day, the twins’ train ride to the school was really awkward. They can’t meet each other’s eyes. However, Minako would be lying if she said that the band-aid on Minato’s face didn’t worry her one bit. They both seem like they have so much to say, but are hesitating whether it was the right moment or not. They instead decide to disappear into their own worlds, with the power of music. It didn’t help calm down Minako’s nerves, so she decided to fidget with her phone. She eventually found her thumb hovering over the messaging app.

‘Fuck it.’

Minako: hey headphones

Minako: gud am

Headphones: Good morning to you too, pancake. :)

Headphones: How are you today?

Minako: um

Minako: don’t wanna talk about it

Minako: can we talk about something else?

Headphones: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Minako: uhh

Minako: wanna get to know eachother?

Headphones: Okay. How will this work?

Minako: we take turns asking questions, but no matter who’s turn it is, we will both answer

Headphones: Okay, you first?

Minako: mmm

Minako: pronoun?

Minako: i’m she/her

Headphones: He/Him. :)

Headphones: What do you do on your free time?

Headphones: I either train to make myself stronger or hang out with a close friend. :) You?

Minako: maybe at home cleaning/cooking

Minako: or hanging out w friends as well

Minako: do u like any sports?

Minako: i play volleyball

Headphones: Wow, that’s great!

Headphones: I’m into boxing :)

Minako felt her cheeks heat up. Wow, that’s kinda hot.

‘Wait…’

‘What the hell am I thinking?!’

Headphones: Favorite food?

Headphones: Of course, you already knew about pancakes, but I also like eating beef bowls and ramen from time to time. But no meal of mine is complete without sprinkling some protein powder on it. :)

Minako: oh uhhh

Minako: anything sweet ig

Minako: i’ve got a sweet tooth hehe

Headphones: Then I guess the nickname ‘Pancake’ is perfect for you then. :)

Minako doesn’t know why but whenever they call her that name, it makes her cheeks warm and her heart starts beating faster. This feeling is foreign, but it sure as hell isn’t unwelcomed.

Minako looked out the window and noticed that the train is nearing its destination.

Minako: hey so uh i gtg real soon

Minako: ttyl?

Headphones: Alright, pancake. Take care. :)

Minako: umm

Minako: thanks

Headphones: No problem.

Minako: i dont think u understand, really

Minako: thank u from the bottom of my heart

Minako: for talking to me n being here n all that

Headphones: Anytime. :)

/./

During lunch, Minako decided to eat with Fuuka and Yukari. On the other hand, Minato ate with Junpei and Kenji. Their friends do not seem to be aware that the siblings are currently giving each other the ‘silent treatment’ and haven’t even uttered a word to each other since last night.

As Minako sat down with her food, her phone vibrated in her pocket. As Yukari and Fuuka were settling down in their own seats, she decides to check her phone.

Headphones: Hey, pancake. It’s lunchtime and I hope that you are eating well. :)

That short message made Minako smile so big that it didn’t go unnoticed by Yukari and Fuuka. They gave each other a quick look and turned back to silently observe Minako.

After sending a quick reply, Minako put her phone on the table and placed her bag beside her. After a few minutes, her phone vibrated. Her screen lit up, and it was a message from Headphones again.

Headphones: It better not be all sweets! Your body needs other nutrients too.

Minako chuckled at the message. Which, once again, did not go unnoticed. Yukari scooted over to Fuuka and whispered, “Do you think she forgot that we were here?”

Fuuka replied quietly, “Um, do you know who she’s texting?”

Yukari shrugged and mouthed, ‘Rio?’

Minako: heh okay MOM

Minako: make sure ure the same ok protein man

Minako put her phone down and picked up her utensils, when her phone vibrated again.

Headphones: Hey, that’s not the nickname you gave me!

Minako giggled at the message, but it was cut off by the sound of Yukari clearing her throat. Minako freezed when she realized that she momentarily forgot that Fuuka and Yukari were with her.

“So… who is your new text mate?” Yukari started, sporting a teasing smile and looking at her knowingly.

“Uh, Rio?”

Yukari raised her eyebrows, “Are you asking me?”

Minako cleared her throat, trying to show a poker face. “No, it IS Rio.”

Yukari turned to Fuuka, “Are you buying this, Fuuka?”

“No… She’s acting a bit suspicious.” Fuuka said, shyly.

“Fuuka!” Minako exclaimed, startling nearby students.

“Heh, you heard her. So who is it?”

“It’s nothing! I just saw a funny meme!”

“Would a funny meme make your phone vibrate three times in a row?”

“It’s a notification from a meme page? Um, yeah that’s it! They’re just really active today!” Minako cringed when she heard how fake that sounded.

“Why do you sound so uncertain, this makes it easier to see that you’re lying, y’know?” Yukari said smugly, and Minako doesn’t know if she should admit to Yukari that her new text mate is actually the guy from their number neighbor shenanigan. It’s nothing bad, it’s just that Minako knows that if she mentions this to them, she would not hear the end of it from Yukari.

“Okay fine.” Minako took a deep breath. “I’ll tell you.”

Yukari smiled triumphantly, while Fuuka’s eyes widened in surprise.

“So, who is it?”

“Before I tell you, can I ask what happened to your number neighbors?” Minako asked, hoping to stall.

“Hm, mine blocked me when I sent that message.” Yukari shook her head, disappointed.

“Oh, mine was really scary. They said that if I message them again, they will call the police.” Fuuka said, fidgeting with her fingers.

“What?! Isn’t that a bit too much?” Minako quickly held Fuuka’s hand, hoping to give her some sort of comfort.

“Oh, it’s fine. Maybe they thought I was a hacker or something. It’s not bad to be cautious.”

Yukari sighs, “Let’s never do this again.”

Fuuka nodded, “Agreed.”

There was a moment of silence, until Fuuka spoke up, “Why did you ask about that though, Minako?”

“Oh um… W-well…” Minako looked away and nervously laughed. Until Yukari realized why.

“Wait, is your number neighbor your new text mate?”

“Ehehe, yes?”

Fuuka and Yukari gasped.

“Well, well, well… It looks like I was right. You were able to get a relationship out of this number neighbor thing. Oh! How romantic! You were just one digit away from each other!” Yukari giggled and began hugging Fuuka out of excitement.

“Relationship? N-no… We aren’t in a re-relationship. We’re just… talking. Hehe..” Minako stuttered, and she really wanted to slap herself when she heard how she sounded.

“Yeah, and a relationship comes next after that!” Yukari cheered loudly, standing up and thrusting a first in the air triumphantly. The students in the next table seemed irritated by our table.

“Yukari, simmer down! You’re disturbing the other students!” Minako tried to get Yukari to sit back down. Fuuka found the situation amusing, and giggled.

“Anyways, give us details! You can’t expect us not to want more info when you told us that you actually ended up being text mates with your number neighbor! Spill!”

“Well, he is a nice guy. He is really understanding and willing to listen to my problems. He also respected my decision when I told him to call each other by code names instead of our real names. He also checks in with me every once in a while to see if I was okay…” Minako tells them, and unknowingly smiling to the thought of him. It wouldn’t have been noticed by Yukari and Fuuka if she wasn’t blushing so hard.

“Aww, you like him! Ask him if he wants to meet up, ey?”

“W-what! No! I-I barely know him!”

“Yeah, that’s why you are going to meet up, duh! To get to know each other more… and who knows… This could be something worth mentioning at your wedding when Fuuka and I give our toasts as your maid of honors!”

“Oh, that does sound cute!” Fuuka mentions cheerily.

“Fuuka, NO. Do not encourage Yukari, that wasn’t cute at all!”

/./

After classes, Minato waited outside of Minako’s classroom. Minato decided that he was going to apologize and open up to Minako, no matter what. He doesn’t want to keep his sister in the dark anymore. After a few minutes of waiting for his sister, he decided to go in himself and approach her. He saw her chatting with Fuuka while cleaning up her things.

“Sis.” Minato called, while dumping his bag on top of her desk. “Come with me, you can leave your things for now.” He grabbed his hand and led her outside.

Fuuka seemed confused, but resumed to picking up the scattered trashes. After a few minutes, Yukari entered the room, looking for someone. She quickly found Fuuka and approached her. “Where’s Minako?”

“Oh, Minato told her he had something to talk about. They left their things here, so you can just wait for them. If you wish to talk to Minako, they’ll probably come back soon.”

Suddenly, Yukari grinned widely. “They left their things, ey? So Minako’s phone is in here?”

Fuuka blinked a few times. ‘Why would Yukari ask about Minako’s phone?’

“Yeah, I think? I didn’t see Minako bring anything with her because Minato quickly dragged her outside, it seemed like he had something urgent to say.”

“Aha, I see… Fuuka, want to do a prank with me?”

/./

Minako was surprised by how her brother took the initiative to approach her first. She was happy as it seems like Minato is finally going to start opening up to her, something she wished he did from the start. And then, she remembers Headphone’s words: ‘He just needs some time to figure it out himself and then he will approach you.’

Minato finally let go of her wrist when they arrived at the persimmon tree. He signaled for her to sit down at the nearby bench, which was under the shade. For a few minutes, they were silent. Just taking in the peaceful environment and the cool, refreshing wind.

Minato was the first to speak up. “I’m sorry.”

Minako turned to look at him, “I’m sorry, too. For shouting at you last night, that was unnecessary.”

Minato shook his head and gave his sister a small smile. “No, that was okay. I was being unreasonable. But that’s not the only thing I’m apologizing for.”

Minako tilted her head, confused. “Huh?”

“I have been hiding things from you because I had a feeling you wouldn’t understand me. But that was wrong of me, I shouldn’t just start assuming things and then suddenly start closing off myself. When we were at the train this morning, it felt wrong that you weren’t talking to me. It was a really sucky feeling to have. And then I realized, that this was what you must be feeling when I stopped talking to you.” Minato closed his eyes and buried his face into the palms of his hands.

Minako frowned seeing her brother so distraught. She was about to say something, but Minato lifted his head and continued talking.

“The truth is, lately I have been feeling lost. I don’t know what to do. I feel… empty. I don’t know how to explain it, but basically it’s like the world is in black and white. It’s lifeless, and I don’t see the point. I am… uncertain whether I am making the right choice or not. A voice in my head is always telling me that I am making a bad choice or that I’m a failure. I… I’m sorry if I’m not making sense.”

“Minato, it’s fine… I understand.”

“Do you still love me? You won’t leave?”

Minako was shocked by what he said, “Why would you even think that? I would never leave you! You’re my brother… I would never abandon you.”

“But… mom and dad did.” Minato said quietly, and Minako feel the lump in her throat growing bigger.

“That’s okay. We don’t need them. I won’t ever leave you Minato. You are my partner-in-crime, my bestfriend, and most importantly, my brother. I love you so much and we will always be together.”

“But what will we do about the voice in my head?”

“Well, you have me. We can figure about this together. If you want, we can go see a therapist?”

“I don’t think I’m ready for that…”

“Then that is okay too. You will only go if you want to. I am here for you no matter what, and if you ever start having bad thoughts or the voice in your head gets stronger, just go to me. No matter what time or day, whether there’s classes or not, I’ll be there. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you.”

Minako and Minato gave small smiles to each other and they hugged. After a few moments, they let go and talked to each other for a few more minutes before heading back inside.

/./

When Minako and Minato returned to the classroom to retrieve their items, they were met with Fuuka looking uneasy and fidgeting. “Fuuka? You okay?” Minako approached her friend, going in for a hug to comfort her but Fuuka jumped.

“Minako! I am so sorry! I tried stopping Yukari but she was determined!” Fuuka bowed her head.

“What are you talking about? What did Yukari do?” Minato strided over, curious with what made Fuuka so worried. Minako shrugged at Minato, confused and worried for her friend.

Fuuka stood up straight, but still unable to look Minako in the eye. Right at that moment, Yukari came in holding an empty food wrapper. “Oh, Minako! There you are!”

Minako, Minato and Fuuka all whipped their heads to where Yukari’s voice was coming from. Yukari approached them, waving the empty food wrapper in front of their faces. “Minako, Fuuka and I are really sorry for eating this deluxe donut snack from the canteen without you! Fuuka was so worried because she knows you like it so much, but I was really hungry so I ate it! Sorry!”

Minako frowned and raised her eyebrow at Yukari, crossing her arms. “Is that all?”

Yukari gulped, and Fuuka started playing with the hem of her skirt, not strong enough to look Minako in the eye. “Yeah, that’s all! R-right Fuuka?” Yukari approached Fuuka, trying to silently ask for back-up.

Fuuka finally looked up to Minako and nodded quickly. “Y-yes! We’re really sorry, Minako!”

Minato stood awkwardly beside Minako, who was seriously studying Yukari and Fuuka. Serious Minako is scary Minako. Eyes scrutinizing their every movement, lips in a tight line, and arms across her chest making her seem even more intimidating.

After a few minutes of silence, Minako gave them a bright smile and laughed. Yukari and Fuuka were surprised and Minato was confused.

“Aww, girls! Don’t worry about that! You were hungry so it’s fine!” Yukari gave a sigh of relief, while Fuuka was still a bit shaken up. Minako closed her distance with the two girls and gave them both a hug.

“But next time, wait for me okay?” She whispered, in their ears eerily.

“Y-yes, Minako.”

“Haha, yeah…”

/./

RECENTLY DELETED THREAD

Minako: hey

Minako: do u live near tatsumi port island

Headphones: Yeah, I do. Why?

Minako: wanna meet tomorrow, sunday?

Minako: get to know each other?

Headphones: Oh, you want to meet?

Headphones: That’s fine by me. :)

Headphones: Where though?

Minako: paulownia mall, that ok? specifically chagall café

Minako: i have brunette hair with silver pins on it forming XXII

Minako: i’ll also be wearing a red scarf

Headphones: That sounds good!

Headphones: See you soon, pancake. :)

51 notes · View notes

1112lw · 5 years

Note

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official @ace-landofthesun @dorkalisious and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

#Arche.txt #asks #ask #long post

6 notes · View notes

muslimsonic · 6 years

Text

ADHD: Executive Dysfunction

Alright, so I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff about how people struggle with understanding what ADHD is, how it operates, and how it differs from the experiences of the middle 50% [25%-75%] considered the average. And I didn’t research ADHD for 9 hours straight not to dump all of this here.

Note: I have ADHD, I’ve researched this, but I am not a medical professional blah blah blah ok now onto the fun interesting stuff!!!!

I put this under a cut bc its,,,, longish.

What is executive functioning?

Executive functioning is what carries you from day to day tasks. It’s like the constantly active personal assistant in the back of your head. Let’s call them Effie. Effie constantly makes lists and breaks down tasks for you! I don’t mean large projects, I mean the simple stuff!

Like doing your laundry.

If you have ADHD, or anything with executive dysfunction as an issue, then you probably already know that the simple stuff hardly ever feels simple.

Doing your laundry requires many motions, most of which you omit in listing what you must do to complete this task.

Someone with executive functions in working order, probably

1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine

2. Put the laundry in the washing machine

3. Put the detergent in the machine

4. Turn on the machine

5. When it is ready, put the clothes in the dryer

6. Collect the clothes when finished

7. Take them back to your room

8. Fold and put away

Tada! All done. There are quite a few steps omitted that you would consider givens. However, try and apply this precise list to someone with executive dysfunction, and you will most likely not have the same success, because of the number of places where steps conflict, being thrown out in favor of what is done immediately. Here’s a small idea of how many cracks are in this plan, even at step one:

1. Take the laundry basket/bin/thing to the washing machine

When?> I’ll do it after I finish what I’m doing > Oh no I just remembered something else > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes for work/school/whatever > MISSION FAILED

When?> Someone else is using the washing machine now, i’ll do it later > What did I forget to do? > Oh no now I have no clothes :( > MISSION FAILED

Why? > I have enough clothes right now, I’ll be fine > Oh no I ran out of clean socks + underwear > MISSION FAILED

What?> There’s no detergent so I can’t do this > (at the grocery store) I think i have everything! > Oh no i forgot detergent > I have no clean clothes :( > MISSION FAILED

When?> I have too much free time so I’ll do it after I take care of this other thing that’s equally important > Oh no I forgot to do my laundry I don’t have anything to wear > MISSION FAILED

In what order? > There’s too much to do and they are all registered in my head as permanently equal priority so I have to do them all at the same time, but I can’t do them all at the same time, so I physically am unable to proceed until this loop/error is resolved.

What extra steps are involved?> Huh i know i have to take my laundry to the washing machine, but there’s also stuff in the washing machine area/on the way there that needs to be moved in order to do it, but I haven’t thought of that, instead seeing metaphorically an indistinct looming mass of extra equal priority work around taking my laundry to the washing machine > I don’t do it > MISSION FAILED

And that’s only a few of the cracks in step one.

See the problem?

Let’s take a closer look at how deep it goes. Do you know how much you rely on executive functioning in your day to day life? Yes? No? How did you get out of bed this morning? How did you open your eyes? Everything you do, even running away from something chasing you, is dependent on executive functioning. Memory. Recall. Starting anything, and I mean anything. Breaking down what needs to be done. You’re so used to it, you see a lot of the steps as givens not needed to be stated. When do you do this? What priority level is this? Every success you’ve had in your life, you would not have had without your executive functioning.

It’s the messenger, sending signals from the hub, recall this, you have to do this, this task is more important than this, this is what you’re going to do. It translates thought into action, idea into concept into reality. It’s the Director, streamlining things, going into crisis management when you make a major mistake or fail to do something, or have something due, or or or. Granted, executive functions aren’t the be all end all of human success, but they are to you as a foundation is to a building.

Scary to think what would happen if it just

stopped.

You could think all you want, of course. You need to do this. You want to do that. You scream and rail and fight against a prison of your own unresponsive limbs.

There’s nothing physically wrong with your limbs. They are in perfect working order. Or at least as working as they had been before. There’s no reason for you to feel like this. You feel like your brain is setting itself on fire in its attempts to send it messages to get a response any kind of fucking response. You feel hopeless. You gain no mental traction. You gain nothing but your own hatred and frustration and gain the same of others too.

Because they think you’re faking it. That you just don’t want to do it hard enough. That you just need to apply yourself.

The thing is, you’ve been trying. Your mind is a car in a swamp, uselessly running its wheels to no avail, sinking deeper and deeper into the muck. You are straining as hard as you possibly can. There’s no more gas in the tank. You have nothing left to give.

And you have nothing to show for it.

In this hell, you’ve accomplished nothing. You’ve succeeded at nothing. Nothing you do, nothing you say, and nothing you want can ever happen in this moment.

You almost feel like dying. But you can’t. You can’t, not because of will to live, not because of hope, and not because of love, but because you cannot get your limbs to remember what motion is, your brain to remember the past, and your heart to remember restraint. Frustration, anger, hatred, all of the ugliest emotions the soul has to offer spill over. You feel like you can never be happy again. That you’ve never felt happy before. That this awful feeling crawling into the crevices of your lungs and trachea and curling its way around your stomach and spleen is what you will feel like for the rest of your life.

And then you forget. You forget everything that got you to that point. the wave recedes. you feel nothing. you remember only blurs of what occurred at best. only to experience the same fucking thing again, and again, and again and its always as raw and drowning as the first time you felt it, you never grow used to it, and it will never stop, it will never cease, and no one believes you when you say you are trying. You are a soul inside a vessel that doesn’t want to be yours.

anyways! while this may seem like an extreme, the last few paragraphs are a pretty solid descriptor of how living with executive dysfunction feels like! this is also a solid reason why people with ADHD are more likely to have anxiety and depression! the same thing is characteristic of people with disorders that have executive dysfunction as a symptom!

so TL;DR: Executive Dysfunction is not the same as laziness; it is a fundamental difference in the brain structure and wiring or a deficiency in neurotransmitter production.

speaking of that, moving onto the physiological side of executive dysfunction! Yes! There’s actually a physiological side to ADHD! Pretty sure that’s a characteristic of all brain disorders illnesses and the like but people still say its fake! :D

ok i’m getting tired so heres the rundown:

lower catecholamine levels: catecholamine is a class of neurotransmitter that includes fun stuff like

Dopamine: the motivation sauce

Seratonin: Happy Happy Happy

Adrenaline: you put this in epipens. fight or flight

Noradrenaline: also fight or flight. includes attention as well. at higher levels, anxiety. Thanks, God.

Its bad. bc the body’s natural reward system (dopamine) isn’t at normal levels, the nice little feel good kick after you make your bed or brush your teeth?? nope!!!!!!! Thus there is little internal motivation to do anything. WOW!!! How did adhd get passed down in the gene pool???? is it recessive?? bc im rly at a loss. idk someone with a medical degree in brain science dm me abt it. I rly need to understand.

Also the frontal lobe, y’know the thing controlling judgment, morals, impulses, emotions, all of that fun stuff???? it’s usually behind in development, typically evening out mid to late twenties, but its still,,,,, not Great. Wow!!

White matter abnormalities are apparently a thing too?? White matter is the brains messaging system so when that’s messed up I’m pretty sure thats not a good thing.

anyways, i’m tired now, its been 2 hrs since i’ve started writing this and I have a metric ton of things that I needed to start but didn’t, so

TL;DR: ADHD (and by further extent, executive dysfunction)has a basis in science and has physiological stuff associated with it that (i think since MRIs aren’t being used to diagnose adhd) is just being studied recently, and uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh google exists use it b4 getting into arguments abt the existence of disorders and such. plz. im begging you.

#actuallyadhd #executive functioning #executive dysfunction #adhd #ramadan says things

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