they might lock up my husband, im not okay</3

i really did try going into the victim lore with a positive mindset yesterday i swear

i start that new job tomorrow 😶 ...

life has been feeling dry af lately

hope you dont mind the ask, was just kinda curious ^^

what was your mindset in coming back to the internet and did you expect the kind of reaction that you got?

i wasnt expecting the positive response AT ALL. coming back my mindset was something liek "im only doing this so i can post my art again, im only doing this becuz im passionate abt my artwork. nobodys gonna believe me and im sure only a handful of ppl r gonna be rational abt this whole thing, and im gonna have 2 deal with a mob of ppl out 2 get me and another mob who wants 2 sexualize me and stalk me, but if i can post my artwork and just ignore it itll be fine."

and then i posted my vid and every1 was so sympathetic and understanding and pleasant 2 me. ive nevr experienced that kind of basic humanity b4 on the internet, and it was shocking. every1 was so nice abt my struggles with abuse and homelessness inparticular, which was honestly an afterthought in my comeback vid becuz i didnt think any1 would care. i didnt expect anything close 2 the reaction i got, and it gave me a lot of hope and peace. i felt safe posting online 4 the first time.

i cant say that i still feel the same, after the borderline 12 situation happening only 6 days after my vid ive basically been retraumatized and have severe anxiety surrounding the internet again. it was my fault and was incredibly disrespectful, hurtful, and wrong, i will never deny that i was wrong in the first place and did something horrible. but the sheer harassment and dogpiling wasnt warranted and was arguably worse than what i did 2 begin with. it was blown out of proportion and it only took 6 days 4 every1 2 stop liking me and treating me like a person. that situation made me realize that despite the overwhelming positivity that i received, there will always be so many ppl who want 2 take it away from me, who want 2 make the internet unsafe 4 me again, who want 2 see my downfall. i wont let them win, i will ALWAYS strive 2 want 2 be the best person i can be and better myself everyday, i will ALWAYS want 2 learn from my mistakes and improve. but knowing this, posting again feels liek walking on eggshells.

2 summarize.. i have vry mixed feelings abt the internet as of rn. im so so so so so so so grateful 4 the support and i love all of u, but i know that it could be taken away from me at any minute due 2 something that i will nevr foresee. i nevr come online with the intention 2 be problematic or controversial or hateful, i just liek posting art!!! i would nevr do something offensive or hurtful on purpose, but im scared of doing it by accident again.

didnt think thisd be so long!!! or venty!!! i need 2 talk less mayb.. lol ^^;

Saw the bodypic on your sideblog and hot DAMN! Any workout+nutrition tips for us peasants to get like that?? I'm a hardgainer myself so I would appreciate the advice!

lmao shouldve sent the ask there then :(

important disclaimer: I look Like That largely thanks to good lighting and the fact that I had a mad pump. I dont look like that 24/7, nobody does. If you remove me from that specific spot under the gym lights and wait 10mins for my pump to disappear Id look entirely Normal.

As for hardgaining, youre not gonna like the answer but - just eat more. We like to think we eat a lot already (because it feels like that, because most of us have tiny stomachs) but if u actually took 1 week to record everything u eat, including its nutritional values (mainly macros - carbs, protein, fats, etc), youd see youre probably lacking and/or eating exactly at maintenance (i.e., maintaining your current weight, nothing less and nothing more). The best way I found for myself to eat more is to split my meals, so instead of eating 3 big meals a day, I eat 5-6 smaller ones, and I make sure each meal contains a decent amount of protein (at least 10g). And yeah I wasnt kidding - record what u eat for just 1 week, itll help u see where/what ur lacking.

As for protein - I dont use powders. I find their texture disgusting and most of them give me stomach issues. Personally I view health and fitness as something I should enjoy so Im not gonna do things that actively make me feel like Im suffering or forcing myself, hence, no powders. You dont even need powder to eat a lot of protein, too. Lots of idiots will tell you you need to eat 1gr of protein per 1lb of bodyweight to get larger, but thats protein powder marketing bs (unless ur like, an olympic athlete). Normal people need around 1.2-1.5g of protein per kg of bodyweight to grow muscle mass, according to almost all studies on the subject (again, unless ur an olympic athlete), so for me, weighing around 55kg, thatd be between 66-85g of protein per day. As I mentioned before, I structure my meals so that each contains at least 10g of protein, so right off the bat I start at 50-60g on avg. My lunch (meal 3 usually) is around 40g on its own (blessed Pork steak & greenbeans), so I easily get to 85g of protein a day, and maybe a lil more. Meat shouldnt be your only source of protein, theres a variety of foods to choose from and if u enjoy cooking then ur gonna have a great time! The price of not using any icky powders is learning how to cook lol. If you still want to use powders thats fine, theres nothing wrong with them, but just so u know that eating more protein wont necessarily help u grow, cause ur body has a natural cap on how much it needs/wants to use of the general amount u give it, the rest itll shit out. So, if eating more is difficult to u, I suggest avoiding the powders and just restructuring ur meals to fit you.

As for working out - if youre a woman focus more on volume (higher reps, lower weight), if youre a dude then the opposite. If youre doing more reps at a lower weight make sure that the weight is still somewhat challenging to you though. The distinction between male and female here is important because our bodies respond differently to training so if ur purpose is building the big mooskles and ur a girl - lighter weights will get u there faster. If you want to maximize strength gain as well - dedicate 1 day a week to heavy weights (so less reps but increasingly challenging weight). Im not gonna delve into the types of exercises or workouts u should do cause idk u or what ur experience is but theres enough content online abt that.

The most important thing about the eating and working out is the consistency. ur muscles grow because they respond to stimuli, they adapt to the pressure ur putting on them. theyre not gonna adapt if this stimulation is momentary. Try to work out 3-4 times a week, even just for 30mins each. Get in those reps per muscle group, train each group about twice a week and ur good. Youll see longterm results once eating+working out becomes a habit.

Last thing I wanna touch on is cardio. Theres this weird belief that, if u wanna gain muscle mass, you shouldnt work on cardio. Idk which lazy cunt invented that but its not true! Cardio is important for ur heart, health and ur ability to lift heavier loads! You dont have to run for cardio, theres many activities you can pick from: swimming, boxing, jump rope, dancing etc. Hell, even walking is really good cardio (and is actually better for you than running, longterm) and you can easily do that if you got 1hr to spare twice a week. Developing your cardio will not only make you feel better and healthier, its also detrimental to your strength gaining journey, to avoiding plateaus.

goodluck!

honestly been going back and forth w myself on a lot of things lately attaching a read more for the sake of ik i'll be rambling like theres no tmr

a part of me wants to drop pnc but i havent really gotten everyone i wanted yet + im broke so i need to build my stash up *looks at clotho and eos* oddly enough pnc has been a game ive been pretty happy on playing still hate how i missed a login day tho tbf ive rarely borderline never interacted w the fandom so me just being in the dark w what goes on there has kinda been a blessing and a curse in a sense that i can enjoy the game in peace but it feels like im alone doing so

pgr im really REALLY tempted on dropping my glb acc, once nocti comes around which will prob be around the end of the school yr for me thats where i'd be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ welp ig im done and drop that acc after playing around w nocti and whatev. tw im still not too sure abt?? prob when i get around to lvling up my main teams i can be like ok im done and drop that at any time since im just there to experience content ahead of time without being in cn directly

before dropping pgr entirely i do wanna complete a few stuff i had in mind tho

countdown for hyperreal which will prob happen bambi patch

still need to finish that nocti countdown for tw ive barely had any motivation completing that

nocti's bday countdown (similar to how lee's went)

glb nocti's countdown

draw every char up to latest one in cn

a few noctiskk comics thats been in the back of my head for MONTHS now

basically LOTS of countdowns and nocti stuff before i drop everything entirely

will i still draw pgr stuff after all that? mayyybeee???? itll moreso be towards kye's lore building rather than it being a standalone thing. i'll still collect merch and build up my shrines and make cosplay for chars but aside from that i'm pretty much gonna be moving on to other things

ive always had 50/50 feelings w being in the pgr fandom, tho being introduced to it on disc and then going to twt may have affected my views on this whole thing. esp when the side of the fandom i was first introduced to is like the lowest of the low, i dont want to go back to a place where a bunch of dudebro incels made fun of me for being afab and liking lee and me thinking that was a norm when it clearly isnt. its been 2 goddamn yrs and theyre still poking fun at that?? like my god grow up im so sick and tired of it.

if by a slim chance i still want to participate in being in the pgr fandom i'll just go back to lurking like ive always done in prev fandoms, if i really wanna be active in talking abt the game i'll talk abt it in servers or dms, but publicly i felt that i could never really comfortably talk abt how i feel abt it aside from here cause this site >>>>>> bc i felt like my opinions arent valid, tho that really applies to anything i do so 💀💀

pgr has been a really nice game for me to destress and detach myself from reality for a bit, tho now i wanna move on to other games and focus more on my ocs like i did back in the day. once i properly set up everyone's lore doc maybe in the future i'll make a game around them, nothing too big since i'll pretty much be making most of it, but i kinda wanna fulfill my childhood dream that was just recently unlocked

theres also that small part of me that wants to be known for my oc stuff rather than pgr stuff, but bc im not tagging w popular art tags im kinda just existing, and thats fine by me. hitting 500+ follows on twt was like peak realization of me going like "oh shit, 😨 maybe this big of a following aint for me" and it truly isnt lol

can the nosey ones know abt ur crush? :3c dw if not. my condolences (positive)

yeah sure why not i cant stop fucking talking about it anyways.

iiii dont know if its necessarily a crush though!! definitely an obsession. definitely some kind of. fixation. thanks for your condolences i definitely fucking need them. TT-TT )

its like. uh. this person i know whos sooo articulate and smart and. theyre really sweet. yknow BASIC SHIT. theyre great everyone likes them.

anyways when we first started talking it was like. some kinda. there was clashing. i guess is how you could put it? but every time we finished talking i felt soo like. electrified. like buzzing. like my whole body was just shaking. adrenaline? maybe?

i really thought at first that it was just a friendly interest. some sort of.. y'know intellectual thing! you meet someone whos so much smarter than you and whos ideas are so well put together and who thinks YOU'RE interesting and of course you want to know more of how their brain works of course youre. captivated a bit yknow? thats like. normal. to feel. i think.

oh the first couple times we talked i went so nuts! i reread over our convos like a thousand times and reiterated our talks several times to EVERYONE in my house. its so actually embarrassing. but they were good convos you HAAAVE to understand. it was like. ducking weaving. it was like. some sort of mental exercise . and i thought it was like. normal. but it just kept. HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING. AND HAPPENING.

and i tell you what this was a lot easier a month or so ago when i was like I JUST REALLY LIKE TALKING TO THIS PERSON!! ^_^ (<- STILL A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY) cause ugh. lately its like. ever since the thought popped in my head that this interest MIIIGHT be romantic in nature its. ALLLL DAY thinking about them its so nuts! its so constant!! its literally like a fucking DISEASE... i feel like. angry over it? spiteful? almost? it reminds me of when i had a crush on a guy in elementary school and I didnt know how to handle it so i beat the hell out of him with a lunch box.

like im over here forgetting shit left and right and messing up basic conversation skills and having heart palpitations and theyre like. fine probably. iiii honestly dont think they even think about me lol. i mean definitely not as much as i am,easy, because im totally insane and obsessive i know this.

we also dont talk so much! its not very often! so yeah im sure they dont think about me as much. im even definitely sure if i ever verbalized this it wouldnt work out. ive visualized them turning me down like 20 different ways for 20 different reasons just today. lots of reasons yknow! im mentally unwell and totally nuts, im immature and also very ugly im unable to carry out a meaningful relationship because of my chronic pain problems and various health issues, all of that is fine but my obsessive nature is really freaky,LD relationships are a no-go, they just dont like me that way, ect ect ect.

its sooo stupid. its SO middle school. they type a response to me and i can barely look at the screen. i feel SO fucking stupid its insane. im like. going to claw my eyes out of my head and chew on them till they burst. i hate it here. and its never going to be reciprocated whatsoever so im literally not even going to try.

BESIDES Y'KNOW!! I DONT EVEN KNOW FOR SURE IF THATS WHAT IM FEELING!! its been wracking my brain for a week straight!! its like. am i just fascinated on an intellectual level, am i just interested in an anthropological sense, are these just really good conversations, if this just normal friendship and im making things super weird? am i just excited that someone seems to get what im saying about what im interested in? yknow. dumb.

either way TLDR; im waiting for it to pass. either I'll sort my own feelings out or itll pass! if its infatuation, GOOD, that has a expiration date of 1-2 years so i will just box it up and not think about it and not do anything about it. ^_^ )9 and it WILL die. BUT if you know how to force that process to go along faster let me KNOW.

so yeah my goal rn is basically making as much art as possible. ive been exclusively drawing ow characters bc no matter how much microsoft fucks things up i still love them, still love the world.

for me it's painful because blizzcon was SUCH a high. i met up with friends, made new ones, learned cool things, and i genuinely thought things were looking amazing for the game. i wasnt naive enough to expect no casualties from the merger, but i didnt expect it to result in (what i think will be) basically another huge pivot for the game again. im not sure what ow2 will look like in a year and im not sure how ill feel about it come 2025.

season 9 still looks incredible, despite the knowledge that so many amazing ppl who worked on it were laid off. and im very excited for venture. i suspect future seasons are going to be much drier, though, and are going to pivot harder into competitive play as the focus, which would be fine if i was like... 22. i turn 30 this week lol.

so right now im going to focus on improving my art as much as i can. im actually hoping to get two overwatch zine projects off the ground, we will see how those go. im sad, but these last few weeks have given me the motivation to create my own stories for the characters i love. and frankly itll be exciting to make that!

i have another au idea and i havent even drawn much for logical error and this ones so cool and D:

the gist is that its a swap au - gregory and cassie swap places. to what extent im not exactly sure (was she controlled in gregorys place, or were they simply in each others place at this one point in time?), but they do swap games, which is whats mostly important.

security breach - cassie

cassie does not use the animatronics to upgrade roxy (yeah shes with roxy fight me), but ive decided that its basically a twisted destiny thing - monty will always fall from the catwalks and break. chica will always lose her beak. roxy will always lose her eyes. freddy will always lose his head. they will ALWAYS wind up in the state they are in ruin, regardless of who does what.

and this is also going with the most popular theory/most likely canon that princess quest is canon in ruin. although i would absolutely plan to explain the other endings’ paths! but this is focusing on ruin and were just going to go with princess quest. (cassie working with roxy makes the ending go a little differently, but it doesnt change much, ultimately).

ruin - gregory

ruin, admittedly, is a lot easier, because it.. literally wouldnt change much. instead of being chased through fazerblast by freddy - who is now nice, if terrifying (and not a prototype in this) - the roxy section involves a chase scene. maybe with a glamrock foxy (or mangle?) they tried to reuse for the area post-roxys disappearrance? not sure yet!

freddy can talk to gregory through the fazwatch, which he gives to gregory in an attempt to not scare the hell out of him. who doesnt like a gift? ill be honest, i havent decided if gregory uses the vanni mask. if he does, i dont think itll affect his speaking, even if it does give him a fake head like it did with roxys casing. he doesnt have a voicebox after all.

the rest is pretty obvious. deactivate freddy (who you fortunately dont have to look in the eyes, god) to save “cassie”, end of ruin plays out much the same. freddys speech is different from roxys obv - he doesnt know gregory like how roxy knew cassie - but he is very nice and treats gregory with kindness, saying he shouldnt have to be alone here and other stuff. idk i havent thought that far lol. maybe he mentions cassies birthday party (its still her birthday in this au, which really pushed gregory to go find her), and how kind-hearted he was to cheer up a stranger on their birthday. idk im spitballing now.

also yes, cassies with vanessa post-3star in this.

and freddy can see just fine. i have an explanation for that but i cant promise it doesnt make him vaguely eldritch/biblical horror.

no au name for this yet oops </3 name ideas welcome and also asks about it! id love to flesh it out a bit or just discuss ideas!! i love talking abt fnaf!! :D

felt like saying some things to some folks from my canon!!! not everybody sadly SORRY TO EVERYBODY I DIDNT DO ill come back for yall some other time

joe - HI JOE one quastion erm. why didnt u let me hold ur hand when we were walking home from school that last time </3 meanie. and then ditching me to investigate with keiji when we were first investigating the facility.. srsly so meannn wahh /j ANYWAY ILY im not mad at u for nything besides dying (/lh) ILY JOE <3

kai - hi onii-san sorry for sending you to your death :( i wish we couldve been a real family instead of a girl and her "stalker" . sending u lots of love - "thankies a million", as dad always said !!!

shin - stares at you menacingly and genderqueerly. hey freak /aff

gin - hiii otouto do u want to play viddy games with me and joe :0 do u want to pet stray cats and eat strawberry jam straight outta the jar :0 gonna be honest im not a fan of jam in this life but im sure itll be fine ahaha...

keiji - YOU. hey mr.policeman im glad ur not dead or whatever. still a wee bit grumpy at u for making me the leader but its ok we're friends. hi friend.

nao - naaaoooo im so bad at painting in this life i bet if u were here u could help me out !!! do u want to frolick in a flower field together /p

reko - THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME BEAT THE MEMORY DANCE. FOR THAT ALONE I OWE YOU MY LIFE.

qtaro - hey qtaro i just want u to know that ur kind and sweet and a wonderful man and i miss u !!!!! ur awesome ok ??? ok

maple - im sorry for fighting u girl :( i hope u found somebody in this life who rlly truly loves u (as opposed to that scumbag midori)

safalin - ty for helping me, like, not die from my hallucinations lol ^_^ and for helping qtaro w his plan , etc. u wer pretty nice ^_^

-sara chidouin, #👕🥀

I’m so late on your pain situation, I hope you’re feeling better or will feel better soon. Just wanted to say you don’t have to worry about updating when you’re hurting or even just not inspired in the moment. Take your time, I’m sure we’ll still be here waiting for you and your lovely stories when you’re ready.

- 🍀

i just feel so bad for keeping everyone waiting. i wanna entertain!! and bring joy!!!! but of course instead im banging my head against stuff and then making rant posts abt it lol EMBARRASSING !!!!!!

also yea it feels much better than it did 7 hrs ago, i even got some sleep eventually, and my ice was ready by the time i woke up and all that. i just need to stop being lazy and eat smth and then itll be a great day. i'll be fine by tomorrow <3

sorry if im being noisy haha i thought it would be better to separate this and didnt want to send this together with the other msg;;

i'm pretty sure i have no more tears to cry at the current moment, but ill probably cry more later-

(please dont read further if you don't want to think about sad things..! or if u dont want to read so much too lol)

it's something i dont want to think about, but since i have thought about it before, and my friend too, i wonder. what would happen to me if my no. 1 oshi graduates..? it's something that i personally guess we have to come to terms with? right now, i'd like to believe and hold onto the the fact that they're somewhat already tied to another contract (for music, as a unit) and they wont be going anywhere anytime soon but still. you'll never really know...

i'm really happy that these people are able to graduate by choice, but it's also hard at the same time to let go of them. i've watched several people leave and cried a lot, but never had to deal with my own oshis leaving, so it's something to fear, i guess ;; i still dont think itll be the end of the world for me or something but sheeeeeeeessh i will lose a part of my life i found enjoyable.

i personally find it easier to accept the news, but i think it takes awhile for the reality to sink in, even more for the feeling of 'normalcy' to return after graduation. for the emptiness to go away..? i'm not sure how long that might take. hah..

sending hearts to everyone out there 💙💜

sad hours open

first of all, I'm sending lots of love and virtual hugs to everyone whose oshi is mayuzumi and have to see him graduate so soon. I'm a nobody to say this but you guys are more than allowed to feel sad, empty and to just...cry your heart out. It won't be fine immediately but gradually, it will. <3

below this cut is just me rambling so enter at your own risk lol

now, my own oshi graduating is also something I've been wondering a lot after Melissa's graduation. Like, if I were to ever receive a news saying ibrahim (my oshi) is gonna graduate, I honestly wouldn't know how to feel. And as selfish as this may sound, I wish he could continue streaming forever. If he ever decides to graduate, I don't think I would be able to keep watching other livers. Because, this might sound silly but he is someone I liked since day one. Found out about nijisanji thanks to him and no matter how many other livers I watched, no one was able to replace him. I've always found myself going back to him at the end of the day. So to be in a place where he no longer would be makes me feel a bit... depressed (?)

I also cried so hard when Melissa graduated. She wasn't even my oshi and I still got hurt so much so I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel if my oshi graduated. But, we have to accept that they too have a life outside of streaming. They might want to pursue their career in something else and such.

But you know, we just have to push away this thoughts and feelings. Focus more on enjoying your oshi's contents. We can worry about this thing when the time comes and now is really not the time. If you keep on mulling over it then I feel like you wouldn't be able to fully enjoy your oshi's contents right now. Like the cliché saying, "live in the moment"

This is something that's been on my mind lately but, vtubers like Kanae or Kuzuha are figures that I find hard to imagine that they'll leave. I feel like streaming fits them and that they would keep streaming, or at least stream for a very long time. But vtubers like Ibrahim or Fushimi are people that I think would graduate soon and I hate myself for thinking like that LOL

ALL I WANNA SAY IS, your oshi will graduate and so will mine. And it will be so fucking hard to accept it because your safe space is gonna disappear so it's natural to feel that way. But sadly, life goes on and the pain is something we have to take till our graves :')

the job has been going surprisingly ok! I got most of my hours for the week done in like 4 days and im kinda hoping next week i can cut that down to getting it done in like, 3 and then having 4 days off lol. but i do have a webinar thing to attend tomorrow and im dreading it dskkfhkj. i never do well at live meeting call thngies. I do ok at in person ones but for some reason web based ones wig me out x_x (its only like 45 mins and mic only so it could be worse??) auggh

This may be a really ignorant question but im too scared to ask my family for help lol...i still need to update my bank cards and my ID + health card to match my new address, im not sure how long that will take or how to do it tbh, but my main concern is whether or not itll affect my ability to vote. I want to support to NDP but i feel like im getting in my own way of doing so by being so unsure about this :(

What election is coming up that would concern you for time? No federal election anytime soon.

It should be fine as long as an election isn’t happening soon.

gettin my laptops main drive replaced ( also upgraded at the same time cos why not)

i got most stuff other than games (aka sims 3 stuff ) on my secondary drive but The Intense Paranoia makin me scared of losing the stuff of my secondary drive somehow .. and im also backing up some sims stuff onto an external drive in case the transfer program doesnt work properly

im also like....... worried tht i wont be able to get sims working again lol im pretty sure ive talked before abt how idk exactly how my sims is working. cos the ea app says i dont own some packs that i do own (some PHYSICALLY ) but they all still work in the actual game.. idk. if everything gets transferred properly then itll most likely be fine but i dont wanna have to pay for packs again . and i dont wanna have to get it thru Other Means when i already have them yknow????

anyway . its just me being ultra paranoid as always. i better not get another copy of all the windows files that i cant delete even when they serve no purpose to the actual operating system tho ( still a problem on my desktop after needing to change that ones main drive . ough