#im sorry if you misunderstood me and im really not trying to cause problems
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Blackwater XIX
Raiting: 18+
Warnings: well I said a couple of months ago that something was toxic… there’s a lil bit of non-con this time, so if someone of you is not ready, im sorry, is that chap.
A/N: this chapter wasn't very easy to write, but the next ones won't be either, let's wish each other good luck.
She had hoped to go somewhere else, but with problems piling up day after day doing so wasn't even an option. It was safer to stay south, where their reservation still acted as a natural stop to any external influence coming from across the border, plus Roman was in the area, though again not there with her, having yet another meeting with yet another person for yet another deal.
She hadn't been very happy about it at first, but had to admit at least to herself that maybe it was for the best. In town she had finally found something she could bring to Lisa to thank her and plus they were relatively close home, which meant they would be there before night and she could go to bed to recover a bit.
The stress caused by the situation did not help either her mood or body already affected by hormonal swings of a heat that Y/N prayed to postpone as long as possible. She wasn't sleeping well due to too many thoughts, she was losing her appetite, as well as the desire to go running and that afternoon she had another one of her waves of shivers which was trying to fight with some hot chocolate in an attempt to also replenish a sugars. She had bought Solo a coffee too, but he kept holding it in his hand without drinking, too busy glaring at anyone who dared come closer than necessary, that was not even so close.
- You didn't grow up here, did you? – she asked, interrupting silence between them once again, because they spent a lot of time together, but even if he seemed willing to talk with her, their conversations were never long.
He looked at her a bit confused, putting aside his perpetual serious face for a moment, coffee still in his hand.
- Jimmy said you came here after, like me – she explained, letting out an encouraging smile and he shook his head no.
- I grew up in the area, with my family.
Y/N let out a surprised oh, going back to twirling the straw in silence as they walked towards the suv.
From the stories she had thought he had come from out of state to help Roman, but she probably misunderstood. She hadn't spent much time with Solo's family, she had only seen them once actually and he didn't open up more than necessary, most of the time talking about what there was to do during the day, well she talked, he was more comfortable listening.
- Not with them. They were always together somewhere. – he added unexpectedly, perhaps not to make her uncomfortable with another silence or perhaps not to make her feel so out of place and Y/N smiled gratefully.
Y/N saw him nod slightly, as if satisfying her had satisfied him too.
She had never really thought about it, but there was an age gap between him and those three. Now he was a big boy with muscles and a menacing look, in those years he had probably just been a kid that them didn't want around. She couldn't imagine what it was like, Y/N hadn't had any brother or sister, she had grown up alone, but the half year spent with all of them before the chaos was enough for her to understand. Maybe he couldn't have tolerated them as a kid, always together already as pack leaving him at home and doing their own business, but now he was a man, it was different.
His family is broken.
- I'm sorry, Solo...
Standing next to the black suv, he looked at her, again confused by her reaction.
- We have to do what needs to be done.
- They're your brothers no matter what.
- I swore to the Tribal Chief. They did it too. – he said serious, his tone almost angry.
In packs like theirs, still tied to old laws and traditions, it was normal to have a relationship of deep respect with those at the top. Those were legacies that were now intertwined with a changed society but still subject to natural balances, such as the amendment on property rights between mates and social hierarchies for those who belonged to or were born from groups not commonly seen well. Y/N, with her omega smell, knew a lot about it and had had to deal with it there too in the first few months, but the prospect of an acknowledgment, oath, was new and something she hadn't heard.
She saw Solo open the door to let her in, his face less angry, but still solemn.
- You don't have to – he reassured her, mistaking her silence for concern, dark round eyes stopping too long lower, at the base between her neck and shoulder, where Y/N had tightened her jacket trying to send away the cold shivers – you already have his… smell.
Smell wasn't the word he wanted to say, but what Solo was referring to, she didn't have yet.
Our mark. His mark.
That too was an old legacy, dangerous in her case, but Y/N didn't have time to think too much about it by looking for her phone which in the meantime had notified of a message.
***
Paul was a smart man. Roman had chosen him as a wise man for that very reason. There was no one in the entire country more capable than him, no one who had his level of experience. He was a lawyer, an advisor, a connoisseur, he had political support, important acquaintances within the packs and outside, plus his family had practically adopted him when he was a boy, so he was not a stranger. The wise man was many things, but honest only when necessary and Roman had never had a problem with that kind of approach in their time together. He tolerated all sorts of expedient for his purpose, he had learned the hard way how much it cost to have feelings, but everything changed if those tricks helped something of which he was not made aware.
Because Roman knew from years and life lessons. Loyalty and trust were something he no longer expected, from anyone and certainly not from someone who had stayed afloat when everyone else drowned. Everyone could be a friend, everyone could be an enemy, his wolf now did no exception and all the whispers, phone calls and messages that kept Paul busy even when they were together were nothing but further proof of a picture that he knew. The wiseman acted driven by the feeling of ground crumbling beneath their feet, frightened by changes that his cousin and those dogs on the border threatened, by the possibility of a future that Roman would not allow as long as he was able to breathe. He loved the wise man, he could forgive him being a coward, pretending not to see, at least until he took a step too far.
- So? – he asked annoyed, almost making the phone fly out of his hand.
- Two weeks. Tomorrow both of you will exchange the sogi – he reported in a heavy voice, his shoulders low, his face frowning as if someone had just stepped on him after the news.
He didn't like the prospect of that fight, first of all because he was risking his head. Roman knew even without having to ask that he would play his cards to make things better and save everything, but for him the two weeks he had dealt were too much time and those plans useless. Fourteen days were the ritual time to provide what was necessary for families, so that both parties were ready for any outcome, but for him were just a useless wait. He wouldn't be the one to lose, he had no alternatives to plan unlike Jey, he just needed to have free way and get his hands on his cousin.
- About the stipulations, I was thinking- he advanced, trying to recover as much as possible.
- There are none.
- My Tribal Chief, if I may, considering what we are facing now, it would be better to leave a few more resources and perhaps-
- There will be no stipulations.
He had complied with stipulations, conditions for weeks, suffered weakness for months, the time for mercy was over. He had left many doors open for his cousins, he had tried everything and Jey however had gone where he shouldn't, disrespecting him to the point of contesting him with the Elders, they had gone too far and now there was only one way to put an end to it. The only acceptable stipulation was unconditional surrender, total humiliation, there was nothing else to talk about. Guts were needed to keep their family in line, his dad had reminded him of this and Roman was not willing to receive other reminders in the future, he was no longer a boy. Whatever happened next, he would handle it the way he handled everything, with a firm grip and without regard, he didn't need those two to do it. He was the alpha, he had control and winning cards to play against everyone.
- How much longer do we have to stay here? – he asked, tired of waiting, staring with annoyance at the watch on his wrist.
They had been in that office longer than he was willing to tolerate and he couldn't stand listening to the wise man calls or him typing messages anymore, he didn't have all day to waste signing a deal with the governor. He had to train, dedicate the next fourteen days focusing on the goal, not sitting bored in a chair waiting for a paper that should have already been ready the second he set foot in that building.
- I'm going to immediately check where Pearce has ended up, my… – the wise man snapped to attention, but he barely managed to turn to go towards the door – tribal… chief.
Roman smelled him before even moving his gaze to the man accompanying Pearce. He had no idea who he was, he didn't remember his face if they had ever met before, but he had a smell that he didn't like. He didn't like the smell of him, he didn't like the way was staring at him, he didn't like the attitude and he sure as hell didn't like that he came around when he had business to do.
We don't like him.
- Reigns.
Pearce greeted, already adjusting glasses on his nose, his expression stressed as always. Roman didn't even look at him, focused on observing the new arrival who was already taking place at the table without having been invited. Pearce had that same attitude in the past, a couple of years ago, until Roman had taken it away from him in his own way and since then had never reappeared. He almost wanted to do the same with that new guy.
- What’s this idea Mr. Pearce?! It was supposed to be a private meeting for private business! Very important business! It's unacceptable! – complained the wise man, standing up against that lack of respect.
- Our new neighbors have informed the governor of activities across the border. It seemed right to him to invite Mr. Aldis as a delegate to clarify before signing anything. He’s in charge of that area now.
That's what he was. Another puppet, another well-dressed small dude convinced to have power or a chance against him, thought he was worth something, that he could stand face to face with Roman, thanks to the talks of those idiots to whom his cousins had left the field free. They were becoming arrogant, stupidly brave, throwing in his face that he had lost his hold in the north and that now there were others there. They hadn't gone too far yet, keeping everything legal, moving with what they could to make their voices heard, their new influence known, but Roman was fine with those games as long as they didn't go beyond the limit. And the limit was his patience running out.
- Since you no longer have jurisdiction there and the upcoming Bloodline activities threaten the entire area, restrictions must be established for the future. Real restrictions Mr. Reigns that I will take care of enforcing and making clear to you. Without it, nothing new will be authorized. – the new dude, Aldis, announced, openly defying his influence, head held high and the wise man behind him jumped.
They wanted to authorize him.
- How dare you- he screamed, but Roman simply raised a finger to silence him, the other hand gripping the chair.
That tanned, smug face of him would have looked perfect smashed onto his table or on the floor, better under his foot.
They wanted to play the big game, gamble when he already had more important business to take care of. It was almost hilarious, almost because that little game would be short-lived. He would let them do it, for a while, until Jey got what he deserved since everything that was happening was his fault. That was what happened if they left their side exposed, if they allowed a pack of strays to smell weakness, it was the price to pay for a crack and the reason Roman would have no more second thoughts.
Elders were right, he had to focus, do what he had to do and what he had been chosen for. He couldn't afford any more weaknesses or they would become ready and able to bite his throat.
- Go ahead – he conceded, collecting himself.
He would get rid of them one by one, blood of his blood or not. Without mercy.
***
She had sought comfort between now cold sheets smelling of him, curling up her legs for extra warmth, keeping her eyes tighter to ward off thoughts ready to fill her mind, but hadn't made it and her she-wolf had found Roman through the link. She had sensed him immediately, probably because he wasn't shielding anything believing that she was still asleep and Y/N had snuck out to join him in the dim light of his home office.
Mate is not here with us.
He was sitting on the couch with a solitary lamp, his face serious, fingers running through the seeds of his necklace. He was physically there, but his head was somewhere else as happened too often now. In the house he always kept the ulafala in the case, but Y/N didn't need to ask to know why he was there staring at it when he was supposed to be resting by her side, in their bed. Paul had told her as soon as he received the news, keeping to their agreement or perhaps already seeking help and Y/N had finally given a deadline to the anxiety that was weighing on her.
Fourteen days of peace before chaos, before completely crumbling what was left of the family, but in a few hours it would truly become inevitable. Or it was probably already late judging by Roman's face.
- Will you have to wear it? – she asked in a whisper, entering the room almost on tiptoe.
He hadn't told her anything about how the meeting would take place nor had he added anything about the fight, but she couldn't blame him. She had promised to stand by him, to defend him, yet she hadn't reacted well to his drastic change of plans and he didn't seem to really understand why she hadn't accepted it. What had happened was serious, but what could happened next would be even worse. Standing, she watched him keep his gaze fixed on the symbol of sacrifices, of his role and pains without turning to look at her and she too observed it, perhaps expecting a revelation.
Red for power, seeds for the rebirth of the dynasty.
She knew the value and pride behind that object, Roman had told Y/N all the stories about the ulafala, but no matter how hard she tried in her eyes it was only a necklace left weighing him down. It should have given him strength, conveyed his strength, represented the family future and instead he found himself fighting to keep it around his neck, to keep what he had gained after an argument born from unpleasant circumstances and degenerated due to old grudges.
- I earned it, represents me – she heard him reply, because in his mind it was the only thought.
She felt it, she knew it. He felt his efforts, sacrifices threatened and they were, but Y/N still felt like it wasn't Jey or Jimmy who was the real danger. At least not initially, now everything was a danger, even the elders who were supposed to accompany and advise him. Them all had fallen into a trap were building with their own hands and she couldn't resign herself to the sight of that disaster.
He's not just that for us.
- You don't need it – she reminded him, stopping looking at the ulafala to focus on him.
She saw him inspire with frustration, felt annoyance pass through him at the mere idea of continuing that conversation, his eyes far from hers.
- Go back to bed Y/N.
- Come with me then, is not mornin yet – she insisted, refusing to give up.
They had different opinions, different approaches, it had always been like that and perhaps it would never change, but they were on the same side. She didn't want to go back to their room if he wasn't there, didn't want to sleep if he wasn't there, she had been alone for too long to throw away moments, to wait two weeks to pass and then hope to go back to what they had before. She trusted Roman, she had never trusted anyone like him, but it wasn't going to end up with Jey and Y/N was honestly afraid of the aftermath he talked about. The threats were different, without blood ties and were just waiting the right moment to attack him, they wanted to get him out of the way and take everything, not just his role. No one can get rid of a weed without pulling out its roots. It had already happened with her family and now can happen again because he was focused just on what was in front of him. But she couldn't wait for the inevitable, it wasn't in her nature to do what she had to do or what he wanted, she existed to do what he couldn't.
She saw him stay silent, sign he had no intention of moving. So she stood in front of him, slipping the ulafala from his fingers without asking. That move finally forced him to raise his head, trying to understand what was happening, while she carefully placed it back in the case where he kept it and then went back to the couch. She listened him breathe heavily, scratch his dark beard with a grimace, and she sat down on his lap to take up the entire view.
- Ain't doing this talk once more – he stopped her soon, shaking his head.
- Not even if im the one asking? – she tried, seeing him immediately clench his jaw.
- Im doing it for you, for us, all! I told you and you said we were on the same side, now what?!
- I'm not taking anything back. I'm just worried it’s already too much – she confessed, not really knowing how else to explain the feeling in her.
Maybe she was giving in to the hormones, anxiety, or maybe was the fact she hadn't cared about others in years like she did now for him, but it was all happening so fast and whether Roman was ready to admit it or not, he was losing control and not facing things with a right mindset. Those outbursts of anger, the way he turned against everyone, judgments, drastic solutions, he was getting carried away by the desire for revenge and his justice. He kept saying he was doing it for them, for their future and instead seemed like a pretext to rush towards other problems. They didn't need acknowlegment, a border to build anything, they were fine, everything worked when it was just them, together. They had never been happier than in the time spent getting to know each other, digging their bond out of the dust and strengthening it. Life certainly couldn't be made up only of moments like those, dates and runs in the woods, but things could certainly have been different.
- Whatever it takes, doesn't matter, at all – he announced, almost exasperated by having to explain, by having to hear, his gaze so confident and Y/N stared at him for a moment without being able to say anything else.
Whatever it takes, he said.
The prospect of those sacrifices and ease which he said he wanted to face them would torment was heavy, but as she had sadly learned to do growing up, she hid all the worry in the back of her mind.
He didn't listen or maybe he didn't want to.
So Y/N simply moved closer, challenging his growing temper, to seek some warmth and his lips in an uncertain kiss. Saw him look at her almost suspiciously for her reaction, studying before reciprocate the kiss and sliding his hands down her thighs. Close, felt their breaths slowly mix in the silence of the dark house and that warmth she had found too late, growing from the most vulnerable part to her chest begging for comfort.
- You matter to me – she reminded him in a heated murmur, forehead resting on him, swollen lips touching, eyes burning for something that went beyond words.
She didn't really care about anything else. They could have been anywhere, surrounded by anyone or in utter desolation and Y/N would still have searched for those eyes. They were her firm point, he was her person. The thought of it terrified her, but she was done fighting and pretending. Roman was everything for her, she had nothing else anymore and she wanted, hoped... he would understand that for that exact reason they couldn't give in. They had to stay together, as a pack, mates.
She saw his gaze lingering on her lips, rising then to meet her eyes, two brown pools now dark in the dim light of the room. Felt his fingers gripping her hips, digging into soft flesh with possession, domineering and lust, marking her skin to claim and force her where she already was.
- Then you gonna be there with me, as you should – he demanded, resolute and despite fighting with everything her head suggested, Y/N nodded to please him again, letting Roman finally crash his mouth against her, satisfied.
They would find a way, they would find a solution even if it seemed difficult, they could do it together, but in that moment Y/N just needed to feel him close, just for her, far from all the noise and problems that awaited them out. They could give themselves that moment of rest, cherish it and Y/N rocked on him, moaning into his hot mouth as their bodies inexorably warmed up. His tongue was insatiable, ready to devour and intoxicate her with his good taste, thrown into a fight that she didn't even dare win. She preferred to let him have control in those moments, while her fingers made their way through dark soft locks, scratching the back of his strong neck to once again elicit that raw growl that vibrated through his broad chest into her bones. Felt his hands slide deeper, grasping her ass, encouraging Y/N to move her hips, pushing on his boner which was quickly answering to juices already wetting his pants.
She had stopped wearing panties when they went to bed a while ago and now was even grateful. She would bear nothing but the feeling of his hard body against her, pressure building like a blessed torture as he guided her growling for her to ride him shamelessly. Y/N had been trying to slow down and control herself for months now, so as not to give in to the heat of their bond, stay with feet on the ground and mind clear now that everything was falling apart, but it was an inexorable descent faster every time Roman touched her. She clung to him, feeling one of his hands travel up under her shirt to roughly grab one of her breasts, his calloused palm rubbing her sensitive nipple making her squirm. Her body had always been hyper-reactive to his attentions, but now she had fallen into a spiral with no exit. Y/N yearned him like a castaway for salvation and in moments like that the need mixed with something more, something that Y/N had never felt for anyone else and her she-wolf fought to make her whisper.
Tell him. We need him. Our mate. Tell him.
- My pussy wet as fuck hm? You need me, don't you? – he said voice like velvet, breaking their kiss and motioning for her to raise herself just enough to sink easily into her cunt – Ima fill you up good, babygirl… don't worry. Aint going nowhere and you'll be stuck with me.
The heat caused by his intrusion had already forced Y/N to open her mouth without being able to speak back, but the sudden thrust of his hips quickly accelerating to pound her almost made her cry. Hands tightened on his shoulders, eyes narrowing with each thrust and then opening as the wave of heat rose from her belly, sending her entire body into flames. Bouncing on his lap, she felt Roman moving his hand from her breast to give her a sharp slap on her ass, he did it one more time drawing a moan and then move up to her throat, to squeeze it just enough to bring tears to her eyes. Quickening the pace, in the frenzy of their moment, Y/N began to confuse the her own pounding heart with the slick sound of bodies slamming together. Her mind becomes more clouded by the second, ears filled with Roman's growls and threatening promises like dark spells ready to tear her soul and climax away. Confused between pleasure and desperation, she held him to her as he held her by the throat, twitches of her wet center uncontrolled amidst the panting of both of them that grew angrier. Room around flashed, throbbing like folds around his cock, impregnated with smell of their bodies, air charged and heavy, saturated with sweat and lust, with a mix of their smells.
They were racing with no intention of slowing down, as if the only goal was to consume, melt and crumble thanks to the other one. Y/N end came sudden and violent between a sloppy kiss and a particularly insistent push on that soft point on which Roman loved to rage without any mercy, fast, powerful, in a strangled moan that made her bare feet tingle, rising in an electric discharge up her legs to a sweaty body, chest begging and hot face. She closed her eyes, grabbing Roman's arm for her life, throwing her head back and then immediately hiding her face on his shoulder because he wasn't slowing down, he wasn't even giving her a moment to breath and she had already went over her limit. Heat kept growing and shake her, causing Y/N to lose all contact with her surroundings, ears ringing as if she had been underwater, body still crying out for more while Roman pounded furiously. Stunned, she stood abandoned in his arms, letting him have his way as he wanted, until something made her eyes widen, pushing her to gasp.
- R-Ro- she tried, because his hand had somehow left her throat, to grab Y/N by the back of her neck and tilt her head to the side.
He was holding her by her curls, beard scratching her hot neck, tongue ready to lick away sweat from her sweet pulsing weak spot to prepare it.
- Easy, stay still – his breath against her skin, so close, pushed Y/N to stiffen as much as his words – I'll be gentle, ssh…
Roman had never pushed, he had never held her like he was doing at that moment and feeling his teeth on her flesh sharper than usual, Y/N wriggled away.
- Don't - she tried again, feeling him tighten his grip, slowing down his thrusts, another hand moving to her wrist.
Why he was acting like that?
- Don't panic, its me – he reassured her, words heavy, attitude raising for her reaction and she planted her feet, her only free hand tapping on his bare chest.
It was him, Roman? Was it really him that one? Suddenly Y/N wasn't so sure and ignoring her wolf pleas, confused between the sense of discomfort and desire to give in, she pushed again to put some space between them.
- Y/N
- No, not like this! – she wailed and when finally managed to slide away from his legs, Y/N saw him jump up with a growl.
The crash of the coffee table froze her on the couch, eyes wide as she watched him pant in anger with clenched fists, body stiff. Still dirty for their moment, but with her mind completely clear now, she watched him stand there trying to regain control in a heavy silence she hadn't felt between them in a while. Roman rubbed his face, rolling his large shoulders, rocking his head and even though she was shaken, something in Y/N's chest tightened following the imperceptible direction of his gaze across the room, where she had put the ulafala away.
Did he want to mark her to prove a point? To have full control in order to not go through what had happened with his family? It was that?
Mate…
She moved her eyes to his hand, the one would have grabbed to calm him, to bring him back to there with her, the one she always found on herself for any reason even the stupidest, the one Y/N had learned to want, but a second too long passed and her hesitation was enough for Roman to quickly settle down, deciding to walk out of the room without a word to leave her again.
***
Uncle Afa was a man bent by age and illness now. When him and his dad stopped traveling around the country, he opened a gym in a recreation center on the eastern outskirts of the city where family had settled. He only trained their people at that time, city folks didn't want to set foot among savages, but his uncle ignored comments like his dad, dedicating himself heart and soul to the pack. Roman remembered going into that place the last time when he was sixteen, probably with the twins, to put on muscles that had grown bigger on their own later and fill his stomach always asking for more. The gym was different now from then, it was larger, it had incorporated buildings next door and it wasn't dusty at all. There was a sign, clean walls full of photos and articles, in the central one there was also him, right at the top.
They had organized the meeting there to have a neutral place, a place that represented everyone, a symbol of the pack values as the Elders demanded. Yet sitting at the head of the table in the gym hall, with the attention of many of his blood just beyond the threshold, Roman kept undaunted watching that perfectly framed photo at the top of the wall. He was there to talk, ready to prove his worth even if it was thanks to him that that picture had a wall to still be on, if that gym existed after his uncle's family had spent almost everything to pay the national healthcare system, if the next generations would have a place to go or eat like he did. He acknowledged his family efforts, but all of them would have been still in that dusty past of mediocrity if Roman had not taken everything into his own hands knowing he was more than what the world saw.
- Don't try, don’t think about it, I wouldn't do it if I was in your place - he heard Jimmy warn, blocking the wise man from trying to come forward to break the silence of their meeting that had already started a few minutes ago without a word.
Roman heard him clear his throat anyway, but payed no attention until Jey, the only one sitting besides him and Y/N, decided to cut it short.
- I don't have any piece of paper with me – he announced, rubbing his hands on his legs.
Roman eyed him silently, slowly tilting his head and Jey shifted in his seat, face so serious as he settled himself better to speak.
He could broaden his shoulders and give himself as much tone as he wanted, but he would never be on his level, he would never be like him and it was evident. That meeting was ridiculous, disrespectful even.
- It's just between us for me. Families have nothing to do with it – he explained, quickly nodding to whoever was outside the door – Same for Solo, he's my brother... and Y/N, she's family too. He disappears with you though and won't set foot in the packland again as long as I'm here. – he concluded, pointing to the wise man who didn't even manage to mutter his disappointment before Roman burst out laughing.
He’s crazy and dumb.
His hoarse laugh echoed throughout the entire empty hall and he didn't bother to hide it or hold back, simply running a hand over his beard to regain control only after a while. With the entire family's eyes on him, he knocked the table with his hand, eyeing his cousin once more.
Jey. The little soldier Jey. Roman had tried to keep him close, to teach him how things worked, because he loved him and still he didn’t get it. Not a single thing. Anything at all.
He persisted with his speeches even a few days before the moment which Roman would have removed him from the family, putting everything on the table to play the good pup. He wanted the title, he wanted to chase him away, but he was willing to vouch for his family anyway, for Solo who had kicked him and even Y/N… as if there was only one scenario out of all the ones imaginable in which Roman would have left her if not as a deadman or it would have allowed him to realize the ideas he had in his dumb head. He still thought the problem was him or the advice the wise man had given him to stay on top, he thought he could keep his hands clean, not involve anyone and he didn't understand that the situation they were in already, was the exact reason for which he would never have survived in Roman’s place.
- You're wasting my time – he said, giving him an annoyed smile.
Jey didn't reply, cashing in without even a nod. He was good at cashing in, Roman acknowledged it, it was his talent, perhaps his only one, but it still wouldn't have been enough against him. He might be determined and willing to fight him one more time, but it would be no use. Roman had no limits and had learned over the years and blows what was needed to kept the role he had.
- Whoever will standing at the end decides, tha’s the deal, the stipulation. There's nothing else to say – he established, tone suddenly deadly heavy.
There was nothing he wasn't willing to do or lose to keep what was his.
He saw Jey nod, imitate him and stand up and in the silence of the room leave the table to join him. Face to face to each other, he stared at his reflection in his cousin's dark eyes, the ulafala still around his neck as it was in the photo of him on the wall and as it always would be. He squeezed Jey forearm and allowed that even if the bond between them no longer existed, their wolves shared a final breath.
Blood of my blood. Brother. Traitor.
When the air left his lungs again to fill them with the stale smell of the center, Roman let go without hesitation, Jey imitating him in a perfect mirror. However, was he who turned his back on his cousin this time to go away first, ignoring the wise man's sad look and those of the rest of the family outside waiting. Y/N who had been on the sidelines the entire time, unexpectedly joined him, her back straight and face betraying nothing as she took her place next to him. Roman didn't comment, there was nothing to say.
Two weeks and he would have control again. Only two weeks before moving on.
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My favorite kind of communities are the ones where you get together and try to ruin the lives lf anyone not in your communities, so fuck yeah religion is awesome.
i can’t tell if this is like. genuine or not. if this is a friend of mine then im sorry if im misinterpreting? but like what im trying to say is that belief in a higher power isn’t a ridiculous stance that shows nothing but the failure of human evolution. im not trying to say everybody should be religious and im also literally not religious? im just trying to say that as a form of community religion can be good as long as you’re not being an asshole evangelical which i have SO much experience with for the record. my mom is from a tiny poor village in alaska where random people would show up and try to make them mormon catholic methodist whatever the hell they thought was the best for people who already had a dang culture and didn’t need this stupid white people culture to get formed on top of it. im not looking for anyone to replace other peoples beliefs with their own. im just trying to say that religion isn’t just for stupid evangelical white people. and that more religions exist than just christianity and that people bonding over shared beliefs can be a good thing. not trying to be in support of the church as a corporation? or whatever might be the problem here. i would like to make it clear that i have been personally victimized by religion. just trying to say that it’s not a freak of nature or evolutionary mistake
#anyway if this is a joke or something im sorry#it’s like 9 AM i made the post you’re talking about pretty much immediately after waking up#so just. idk#the thing is i have like ten followers on this blog like literally ten#so whoever this is is probably my friend#im sorry if you misunderstood me and im really not trying to cause problems#just talking about my dumb book while i try to finish it before the school day ends#and if you aren’t familiar with my blog it’s literally just me talking to approximately ten people#about random stuff. and not trying to present myself as an authority on anything#however i do just want to say that demonizing religion is. here’s the kicker. it’s bad for marginalized communities#racist white people use demonizing of religion to hate muslims and jews. so we can chill about thinking of the entire construct as harmful#because it’s not. people can do religion badly but not everybody does. so. please acknowledge that#anyway im leaving for my next class in a few. so here i go#but again if you’re my friend im sorry for the misunderstanding or clash of values#delete later#it’s funny how this is the first ask i’ve gotten in like. months probably. aside from friends checking in#im really not a blog blog. if you’re somebody who knows me i have literally ten followers im not an actual blog#if this is the friend i think it might be though. im sorry for the misunderstanding and you can lmk off anon if there’s anything else#like im open to discussion im just bad at doing it publicly. sorry for making you uncomfortable#once again if this is a joke i am so so sorry i just can’t read tone at all. but yeah. almost out of class i’ll see you guys later
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A mature bonkai reunion how would you approach it after or during legacies?
In regards to mature BK during legacies I'm unsure, I've never watched legacies but I know that Bonnie never appears in that show but Kai appears on it and the general opinion seems to be that he was ooc in it
I think something that would have avoided him being ooc in that show, might have been to have him paired in scenes with Bonnie, (but just to clarify I would never actually want Bonnie/ Kat to be anywhere near any of those writers, this is just hypothetically speaking)
I feel that he seemed most true to his character and he had more interesting reactions/ interactions when his character was paired with Bonnie.
I tried looking up Kai's storyline on legacies...but I just didn't really know what any of that was or who other characters were meant to really be except for like Jo's grown up twins and Alaric ? - freakin Alaric man ...anyways
I was so confused, I thought Kai was left chained up in Karaoke Hell prison world or whatever but for some reason in legacies theres all these other random people that were students? Being punished? Alaric sent them there? I think I'm misremembering what I read 😭
I'm sorry for the legacies rant, but since I didn't even watch anywhere close to all of TVD I'm even more confused about what's supposed to be going on with Legacies 😭😭
So im gonna have to leave legacies stuff out of this but for mature BK -after the events of TVD but ignoring the part where they randomly sent Bonnie off to Africa:
I'm thinking we have Kai in his Karaoke prison world, he's all bitter and angry and half-dessicated.
We have Bonnie, who on the outside seems to be doing good, maybe she's found some distant Bennett relatives, so she moves to where they are, it's a quiet town, there's a local witch community who her relatives introduced her to, she keeps in touch with the gang from Mystic Falls from time to time, all seems to be going well, but maybe too well ?
Maybe she's a little bored ? For the majority of her life she's been in the centre of so much mayhem, whether she wanted to be or not. She knows she deserves peace, she deserves to rest. It just seems like she doesn't know how though. She probably wouldn't describe herself as a thrill-seeker, yet she finds herself drawn to other people's problems -the witchy kind of problems that require witchy solutions... and maybe siphon solutions.
She doesn't know many siphoners, to her annoyance, they seem pretty rare and she wouldn't feel right forcing just any of them to do her bidding. Except, she knows one siphoner who she wouldn't feel guilty about ensnaring to join her cause.
And so, she gets him out (we all got that one prisoner we keep locked away in an alternate dimension, guys chill).
And our boy Kai is as vengeful as ever, he will obviously not make this easy for her and Bonnie knows this, so she takes some necessary precautions -a spell to ensure that he is bound to her in some way, but he is still a pretty powerful coven leader (nvm the fact that coven's population is very small now) so the spell comes with some stipulations -she is in turn bound to him.
The spell ensures they're not able to hurt each other past a certain degree, so cue a ton of psychological warfare on both sides as they both try and out-manipulate the other (it turns into a power play sort of situation *wink wink*).
Kinky shenanigans.
I'm done.
(Hi Anon ! I feel there's a chance I may have misunderstood the ask 😖 I'm sorry <3, also I probably went off topic but when do I not lol, Uni has me stressed asf so my brains a little...ugh, so I'm sorry for the delay in response, also this was probs vague as hell -I wanted to come up with something more but this was all I could produce I'm afraid 😭 I hope you don't mind, thank you so much for the ask 💖)
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I feel like I don’t deserve to be in a relationship with anyone. I feel like I’m not worthy or good enough for it. I feel like if you’re actually interested in me is pointless because you’ll find some reason or another to leave. To use me and disappear. I feel like I’m too needy, desperate, an asshole, selfish, etc… I feel like I’m too much in my head…. I need to be carried out….I’m not funny I’m just weird…. I try my best but I feel so misunderstood it causes problems (sometimes) I feel like if you want to go out with me you’ll get bored of me easily. You don’t know all of me and once you actually take the time to see my true colors (all of me esp the dark parts / that no one really knows about) you’ll run. You’ll make fun of my interests. Just like everyone I’ve tried to hold close has. You’ll be a dick to me and I’ll allow it but once I’ve had enough and try to stand up for myself you’ll find some way to make ME apologize… I’m always the problem… why would you ever look at me with likeness? Im everything but. I have trust issues. I’m insecure. I’m annoying and weird and act like a child sometimes. I say I’m hypersexual but I go ***sometimes*** two weeks or longer without sex / disinterest in sex. I get emotional. I’ve blah blah blah <view my what I consider my own red flags> image below.
You’re welcome. Sorry In advance for all this shit I’m like in my feelings / head a bit too much tonight, ^ but those are the reasons I feel like I’m not worthy or good enough for anyone to consider a good relationship or partner among other things… friendship??? Probably. I feel so alone and lonely bro. I feel like no one gets me. I feel like no one would get me / like me if they knew me entirely Ugh I’m just too much in my head I need to get off my phone.
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hi! I just want to say that I really admire your way of writing! and honestly you seem like a very cool and funny person, your content always makes my day! I genuinely love seeing content of slashers with racoon and possums images sjksks ^^ I also love the way you see the slasher characters! Looks like you really see beyond of what they are,u know like not just psychopathic persons that like to stab people, and i see that as something really amazing because i am tired of just seeing the people seeing them as just what they show, I feel that you have to read more about his personality and see a little further in the character! If that makes sense sjsksk ;;w;; sorry if this is awkward and sorry if my english is bad- but however i hope to keep seeing more of your content and interact more with u!(人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+ remember to drink water and take care of urself
aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
WHY ARE YOU ALL SO SWEET. MY LITTLE GREMLINS AW
Thank you so much for everything you said, really it has made my day. I don't think you all realise how important this kind of stuff is to me (and I think to everyone who is creating content) cause when I started I was so scared of messing up. This is like my safe place now and it's all because of people like you who keep being nice with me and making me feel confident enough
You all are making my ego exponentially bigger and it's gonna be a problem when I'll eventually get humbled lol
But seriously, I have been going through a hard time and all of this support and kind words are making everything better. I am sorry though cause I'm not being able to post as much content as I should and as you all deserve but as soon as i get back on track you all are going to get all the juicy stuff you want
And about the slashers, I literally sometimes just wake up and decide to be a menace and have the most stupid takes on slashy beefy man lmfao. Okay no but we'll you know how every unhinged kid who wants to now fight god always ends up waiting to study psychology. That's literally all I do,I over analyse every single slasher cause they're a comfort thing for me (the irony of having Michael myers as a comfort person) so tend to do with the things I like the same i would like someone to do with me. Really dig into all their shit and try to see what's really behind it and see the little details that no one remembers ecc
Like at the end of the day, the slashers have been my only friends since I was a kid so now it's like taking figurative care of people I love (I'm weird and I'm sure this is going to sound bad but Idk how else to describe it)
Please PLEASE INTERACT WITH ME ALL YOU WANT. MY HEART LITERALLY SKIPS A BEAT EVERYTIME A GET A NOTIFICATION FROM TUMBLR CAUSE IM ALWAYS SO EXCITED ABOUT WHAT YOU ALL HAVE TO SAY OR WHAT FUNNY THINGS YOU WANT TO SHOW ME
By the way, the fact that you all consider me funny it's just :') IM ALWAYS SO SCARE OF GETTING MISUNDERSTOOD BECAUSE THE WAY I JOKE AND LIKE THE ONLY THING IM PROUD OF IT'S BEING FUNNY SO WHEN YOU ALL SAY YOU LIKE MY WAY OF JOKING I FEEL LIKE SO VALIDATED
That being said this trash panda loves you all, you are all now my gremlins
#slasher fandom#slashers#slasher community#slasher fanfiction#horror movies#slasher x reader#slasher headcanons
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Looking at old pictures and things. You really have been trash to me these three years. I have always spoken good of you in the relationship because yes I know. Flaws we all have so I won’t point yours in it. But when death and drugs and the treatment you have horribly done to me these three years. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I think yeah I deserve it. Sometimes I’m lost and feel like why me…. Why does this girl treat me this way when I’m not the same person. I can’t speak bad of her old self but her present self now I can. It’s absolutely disappointing… so I guess your friend might influence more. You were amazing to me and my heart will miss that version of you and i morn her always and forever. I will never forgive you because texts and running away like a coward is where I draw the line. My mistake was thinking maybe she would change but nah. She’s just a woman acting like a child. I hope you grow up and figure yourself out. Sometimes I get confuse with love even more but then with time I notice what love really is not suppose to be. I been blinded by the word love that’s why I never say it and that’s why I don’t do. Because people in the name of love have countless times abuse it and all have turn it against me like I’m the person that is a monster. I have always felt misunderstood and have been told many things. I felt pushed aside. Belittle and trash my persona. I have been told people like this side of me.. like this dark and ugh side that I can’t explain or my sadness or whatever they fantasize of me. And I’m sick of it and how I feel like an object. I have done and changed my ways not only for many people but myself. I been ARGUING LESS !!!!!!! I don’t find it trilling as I use to. I don’t feel anything. I don’t get off on sadness. I’m not sadistic. I try to control my alcohol problem this month. I stop smoking. I stop doing drugs. And I did in 2021 cause dude I was losing my mind on that one night free I had. My face my whole energy was so dead… and now i feel ALIVE. I go to the gym to help ME. I eat better! I gain 15-20 maybe pounds since 2020.. like that’s a lot but I was so underweight. My depression is less. My anxiety is a lot less. I control my Nerves SO MUCH. I did that! I don’t do things that trigger me. I dont Cut myself. And I know I did sometime in the three years but that was once and never again. I’m not passive. I try to speak up. I try to communicate to people. I grown up. I Had to. I would hate if I was still this way and people were let down because of me. I don’t tolerate things at all. Im solid with myself. I overcame so much and still am and that’s what makes me strong and me. I don’t let my past define me. I don’t just say words but I mean them and I do them and I act in it all. Im not fake. Im real and honest and i will always be genuine and authentic. I did my things, I messed around, I been trash and hurt a lot a lot a lot of people. just as people have done to me. But I learn and I try to change the future and if things are good they are good. I try to fix whoever has a thing with me and hope for the best and if not, I let that go. I don’t hold onto things that are presently bad. I do me. I like me. And I will love me soon. But I am loving who I am becoming. Im happy this change these three years really marked me. It snapped my whole being and that old v.. I use to know was my push & without her I wouldn’t have been here. That one left a scar on me and on my skin. But the present one please never come close to me when you have sick intentions and so cruel. I hope karma and life wakes you up. I’m sorry life was never easy for you. I hope your heart and mind find peace. But like me.. there is always change and I’m sure you will do it. But other than that. I’m doing good for me. I hope I love to the places I desires I hope everything goes smoothly.I hope I really reach my goals. I should make that book I always spoken about because 22 marked me for life. The 5 “v”Roman journey really hit hard. I look back and Im proud of how much I grown. I’m happy I finally PICK MYSELF
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better now
#i am still upset#but mostly with myself#it's my fault tho cause i try to explain the full problem with only a small part of it#something that's really no big deal but it stems from the bigger issue#cause for some reason i think that'll soften the blow#or the backlash on me#cause im very used to that. not being able to tell someone that something bothers me without them attacking me for it#but that's why you were upset cause it didn;t make sense for me to be that upset about it#and you misunderstood what i was trying to say because of the way i tried to say it#im sorry#i m sorry
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a very bleak christmas
wolfstar fic /// one shot
word count ( 6.2k ITS LONG SORRY)
fluff, not much smut
this turned out awfully long IM SORRY😭 having that said i hope you enjoy <33 ily mwahh
"you ready wormy?" james said, shutting his trunk and looking at his bed and around the dormitory to make sure hasnt forgotten anything. he looked over at the shorter boy with sandy coloured hair who was bending down apparently trying to get something he dropped from under the bed, but struggling a great deal. he nervously shot his head up giving james a weak smile and said "yes, im ready, i just dropped something here im not sure what-"
"just tell moony to fetch it for you while we're away" james said and peter just agreed and left the dormitory trailing after james with his trunk, shutting the door on his way. the gryffindor common room was emptier than usual, but the fireplace was lit with a couple of people huddling around it to shield themselves from the ruthless cold of december. despite this however, peoples spirits were as light as ever as almost everyone was departing for two weeks to spend christmas with their families, even lily evans stopped rolling her eyes every time james breathed, and started spending more time with him and ( to james' great delight) enjoying his company. speaking of lily, she was standing by the fireplace with her hair up in a ponytail with a furry winter cap on her head. james noticed her at once and made his way down the flight of stairs and tapped her shoulder softly, she turned around and gave him a warm smile, a short hug followed.
"happy holidays james!" she smiled so widely it watered james' eye. she called him james, not potter.
"happy holidays" he managed to respond, taken aback by the sudden affection she just showed him. she looked around furrowing her brows slightly then spoke, "wheres your trunk? have you not packed?"
"oh no i have! i left my trunk with peter to um, you know, come and say hi" he said the second part of the sentence quietly, she let out a soft laugh, god he just wanted to kiss her so bad. "wheres yours?" he asked quickly. she turned around slightly to show him her trunk which was standing behind her, tapping it twice.
"alright then, lets go down to breakfast, minnie wouldnt want us to be late" he told her, taking her hand and leading her out of the common room with him. he looked back at peter who was struggling with his own trunk and james' but peter just shot him a thumbs up as if he got everything under control.
"alright wormy, dont be late" he muttered. the pair of them walked down from the gryffindor tower to the entrance hall and right to the great hall where elaborate christmas decorations were encapsulating the place, giving the entire castle a more homey vibe. the four house tables were emptier than usual, james and lily made their way to the gryffindor table where they were met by a handsome boy with long hair that he managed to scruff in a very messy pony tail, and a taller boy sitting across him who seemed to find his buttering his toast to be a very intriguing activity. lily and james took seats next to them.
"morning" sirius spoke, looking at lily then at james.
"morning sirius, how are you" lily replied, who also began buttering her toast. sirius didnt respond right away, instead he eyed her then finally spoke, "oh im, im very good" it didnt really seem like it, sirius didnt seem to be in his loud, arrogant and flirtatious mood today, instead a rather dull and quiet one. lily looked at james silently trying to understand what had caused the sudden change in sirius behavior, she was met a mere shrug from james. the four of them sat in silence for the next ten minutes, no one breaking silence that seemed to have swallowed them. remus then looked up for the first time and sighed loudly, which made sirius look very attentively at him, waiting for him to say anything.
"im gonna go, im in the dorm if you want me pads. enjoy your holidays james, you too lily" he said lowly, also clearly in a dull mood in contrast to everyones mood right now. he got up and left, shooting them a weak smile before disappearing out of the great hall.
sirius watched him so closely even when he had gotten out of sight. it was common knowledge that the pair are in love and clearly fancied each other, almost everyone in school knew that. maybe its because of sirius' shameless attitude, cuddling with remus in the common room, sitting on his lap in the middle of the great hall, or pushing remus against a wall and just stand in front of him doing god knows what. the only problem was... neither sirius nor remus knew they liked each other. they obviously knew they had a different relationship than anyone else but they were so oblivious to the fact that theyre in love that it sometimes made james just want to scream it in their face.
"you okay pads?" james said mockingly, sirius had been staring at where remus left for at least ten minutes completely transfixed, he came back to his senses at once and looking abruptly between james and lily then back at his doughnut, fiddling with it slightly. he then shot james an alarmed look and said, "dont call me that james". he spoke so firmly, he knew james knew this is what remus calls him. no one was really allowed to use that nickname with him, even he and james who had a light hearted friendship that was basically based on jokes and pranks, sirius pronounced the words looking into james' eyes, which made james know he was being one hundred percent serious. james didnt respond, feeling a rush of guilt in his stomach, he just took a bite of his oatmeal.
"how are things with you two" james asked. sirius once again didnt respond right away but instead took time to ponder his answer.
"what do you mean how are things"
"you know, have you guys had a row or anything?" james asked, stuffing more oatmeal in his mouth.
"oh- um yea no. not really no" sirius hesitated a bit. the truth is that remus and him didnt have a row, but today was one of these occasions where sirius woke up finding himself on remus' bed not knowing how or why. it had happened a couple of times before and when it did, remus would immediately smile warmly at sirius and pamper him with kisses here and there on his cheek and his jaw. however, today, remus woke up a bit more shaky to the fact that he was in the same bed as sirius. he straightened his pyjamas quickly giving sirius an awkward smile and leaving without a word.
james dropped his oatmeal and looked at sirius looking serious for the first time, giving him a smile that carried something between sympathy and support.
"are you ever going to tell him?"
"tell him what" sirius said bluntly
james smirked. even lily suppressed a knowing look. sirius rolled his eyes.
"you guys are not onto that bullshit the whole school talks about right?" he asked cringing slightly.
"if the bullshit includes you and remus being blindly in love then yes" james gave a small laugh.
"literally blindly" lily mumbled, but sirius heard her and gave her a look.
"guys- hes my best mate"
"doing a lot of canoodling with your 'best mate' ?" james smirked rolling his eyes.
"first of all, what the fuck is canoodling james, this isnt the eighteenth century" he ppinted out the weird choice of wording.
"whatever, point is, people dont sleep on their 'best mates' chests every day padfoot" sirius opened his mouth to protest but james cut him again "just save your breath will you. im trying to help"
sirius sighed heavily burying his head in his hands and shaking it.
"i dont fucking know what to do prongs. fuck ugh i hate this so much why cant it be simpler" sirius' voice got weaker.
"mate just talk to him, remus cant read your mind. and its pretty obvious the feelings mutual" james tried to convince him.
"i dont know if hes into- you know, into me" sirius tried to explain. sirius had come out to the entire school three years ago so it was common knowledge that was gay.
"oh he is" lily said
sirius blinked.
"i mean, i spend a lot of time with him in our prefects meetings and in the library and stuff" she explained. sirius blinked again.
"i mean" she began again, "he talks about you an awful lot and seems to be quite fond of you" she smiled.
"look, you'll never know if you dont ask" james said again. "look at me, i had to ask lily out at least fifteen times-"
"james what the fuck this isnt the same, why are you even comparing it" sirius interrupted
"oh of course its not the same, but communication is key, no matter what the relationship is"
"yea and when i ask him out and he just says i misunderstood all his soft affectionate gestures, then stops hanging out with me because im gay and he would know i have feelings for him, that clearly arent mutual. i'll just ruin everything, and i'll lose probably the only person that likes me in this lousy world" sirius spilled, laughing bitterly.
"sirius! you know remus would never stop hanging out with you because of that, you know it!" james said, his voice getting a bit louder.
"yea but it'd be a sticky situation when your gay friend has feelings for you" sirius said, his eyes filled with tears that he wiped right away hoping james and lily didnt see that.
"sirius.." lily said lowly
"lily can you please check up on peter and help him if needs any assistance" james told her firmly, she didnt need telling twice, knowing he wanted to be left alone with sirius. she made her way out of the great hall until she was out of sight, then james look at sirius again who had his head buried in his hands once again.
"sirius i dont know whats gotten into you today, but you know damn well that neither moony or i would ever think of you any differently because you're gay. stop saying that as if its something that hinders you" this was one of the rare occasions where james was serious and firm. he wanted sirius to know meant every word that left his mouth. at this moment he heard a sniff followed by a weak sob.
"james, i sometimes wish i wanst- wasnt, you know, gay" he managed to say between sobs. james' face fell suddenly.
"no dont say that. please dont say that, you know we love you the way you are and we dont give two damns if you're gay or not" james got up and made his way across the table to sit next to sirius rather than in front of him.
"you're me best mate, i dont like seeing you like this. i love you a lot sirius and nothing your little overthinking brain comes up with could change that" he said, pulling sirius into a hug, so hard that he mightve broken a few ribs. he wasnt gonna let go before sirius does, he could stay here all day until sirius was ready to let go. he heard strong sniffs and felt his chest going up and down. sirius broke the hug after a few minutes, looking a lot more content than he had a few minutes before. james gave him his usual cheeky smile.
"your fucking snout sirius" james laughed, picking up a handkerchief trying to clean his shoulder.
"fuck off" sirius managed to laugh, sniffing again.
"thank you" sirius said quietly
"come off it, dont thank me" james smiled at him. he watched him grab a cigarette and right when he was about to light it with the tip of his wand james stopped him hesitantly. james never really liked to mother him about smoking or give him lectures about the effects smoking had, but he noticed sirius was eating less and smoking more the past couple of days. sirius shot a "what-do-you-want" look to which james responded, "um, can you please just eat something before you smoke" james said. he knew this was a touchy subject, he never liked to mention it but they were alone and he knows he's the only one sirius would listen to. sirius gave him a hesitant look, before stuffing the cigarette back in his pocket.
"just for you prongs" he rolled his eyes, taking a bite of his doughnut. james however was filled with so much joy seeing his best friend do that just for him.
"what are you smiling so much at you prat" sirius said between bites. james shook his head softly before saying, "im very proud of you sirius, i hope you know that" sirius smiled and laughed dismissively at that statement, james knew it touched him but sirius never really knew how to respond to affectionate words.
"you're very sappy you know that" sirius laughed slightly.
"whatever" james felt his cheeks go red. "anyway i have to get going before i get minnie mad on christmas" he said, getting up, swinging his backpack on his back leaving the hall.
"tell moony i say merry christmas" james called, leaving the great hall also disappearing out of sight.
~
later that night, james and lily departed home to spend the upcoming weeks with their families to celebrate christmas, so did most of the school. as homey and welcoming as the school felt, everyone loved going back to their family, everyone except sirius. sirius was never fond of his family, he never had a good relationship with them and all they did was make him more miserable, he would take any chance to be away from them. sirius was sat in the library that was emptier than usual (but the ceiling was enchanted to fake snow) he was sitting with two giant books opened in front of him, yellowed by age. he looked over at the books, he hadnt read a single word despite being here for nearly an hour. he came here in an attempt to distract himself from the intensifying amount of nerves and stress, however, he was so lost in his thoughts that not even that gigantic book can save him from his exhausting overthinking. he sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulder, shutting the books that made a loud thud and put them back in their place. sirius swung his backpack on his back and left the library making his way to the gryffindor tower. he just wanted to sleep. yes, sleep, thats what he needed. he went through the fat lady's portrait and climbed up the stairs to his dormitory, finding remus sitting on his four poster bed completely engulfed by a book. remus shot his eyes up the second he heard sirius walking in and gave him a wordless smile, going back to his book. sirius' stomach did a funny lurch.
"i was starting to think youve forgotten your way around the castle" remus said, flipping the page of his book, still reading it. sirius looked at him nervously, not sure what he meant by that.
"what?" sirius asked, he was going to take his shirt off and get in his pyjamas but stopped abruptly. he didnt wanna make remus uncomfortable around him, especially after what happened this morning. they always had a very intimate relationship though, changing in front of each other was never a problem. remus suppressed a chuckle which made sirius look at him, unsure what he found comical in this very intense atmosphere.
"you can take your shirt off if you want sirius" remus said, still poured into his book.
"how can you even see me?" sirius couldnt stop himself. remus looked up from his book and gave him a is-that-even-a-question look. sirius slipped his undone tie, unbuttoning his buttons his fingers shaking horribly for a reason he didn't understand. he knew remus was looking in his book (not that he didnt want remus looking) but he still felt like all the worlds eyes are on him. a couple of awfully long minutes passed and sirius finally was in his pyjama and got into his bed under his blanket and stared absentmindedly into the wall. remus flipped the page once again, he hadnt read a word on the previous page. how could he? he was so preoccupied by sirius changing in front of him. remus did freak out when he found himself on the same bed as sirius this morning. he doesnt know why he freaked out the way he did, its not like its the first time. he knew that this had made sirius extremely self conscious the whole day, he was wearing a very dull look. he had to make up for his unexplainable actions, he cant stand seeing sirius this upset, especially if he was the reason hes feeling like that. he couldnt stand seeing him in such a bad mood on breakfast this morning that he had to dismiss himself early. but sirius' loss of his loud flirtatious attitude was what stirred the pot for remus. he didnt walk in the dorm and try to slip in bed with remus, or get a kiss from him, or remotely try draw any attention to hismelf from remus rather than that book in his hand, which was as un-sirius as one can get.
"why were you late?" remus asked sirius, knowing hes not asleep. sirius mumbled something inaudible from his bed that remus didnt catch onto. remus furrowed his brows slightly. he shut his book and put it on the bed side table, the sound he made when he shut his book made sirius shift in his bed to face remus who was staring back at him.
"where were you?" remus asked
"in the library" sirius said simply, avoiding any sarcasm or any joking around. remus face wore a surprised expression.
"oh- by your own will?" he said with a breathy laugh.
"yea" sirius replied
"what were you reading?" said remus, sounding excited. sirius didnt exactly know why he wad being interrogated by remus about his absence.
"um, i was just doing homework"
"oh, thats actually nice pads" remus smiled. sirius' stomach did another flip at the nickname. god this was so awkward and tense, sirius thought.
"sirius are you mad at me?" remus said, going straight to the point. every muscle in sirius' body went tense and completely still.
"no" sirius said bluntly.
"sure?"
"yea"
"okay. great then. um do you wanna come lay here with me?" remus offered, this was quiet foreign for remus as it was never him who initiated anything sexual or intimate. but he was willing to go out of his comfort zone for sirius. just for sirius.
"uh- sorry moony im really tired" it pained sirius to say these words, if he was being honest, he wanted nothing more than to lay in remus' chest right now and give him soft pecks and kiss his stupid plump lips.
"oh, okay" remus said lowly. "okay then" sirius wasnt sure what he meant by that tone, and before sirius has any other second to think about it, he felt his bed dip slightly and remus climbing on him, placing himself on top of sirius with his legs wide opened around his waist. sirius felt like all the oxygen in the world had escaped his lungs.
"tired, you said you are pads? want a little massage?" remus cooed softly. he leaned down on sirius' chest undoing his pyjama buttons revealing his tattooed chest.
"remus-" sirius tried to stop him. sirius promised himself he wasnt going to do anything like that with remus because he doesnt want to make him uncomfortable or possibly hate him more, however, this is different. its remus thats initiating it. it remus that did it.
"what pads?" remus continued cooing softly, completely stripping sirius of his shirt and attaching his lips on sirius' neck. at this exact moment, sirius moaned louder than he intended. he shifted slightly in his bed and put his hand through remus' hair. remus continued nibbling sirius' neck. he bit and licked at all the right spots, leaving a soft trail of kisses all over his neck and made his way up to his chin and on his lips, where he left a soft peck. sirius however pulled remus' head back towards him to kiss him properly, remus licked sirius' bottom lip which made sirius moan approvingly into the kiss. remus slipped his tongue in sirius' mouth and deepened the kiss, he felt sirius' hand wandering around his shoulder and slipped in his shirt to touch his bare skin.
"god this is so" remus moaned breaking the kiss only to attach his lips on his once again.
"remus-" sirius stopped him abruptly. remus looked down on sirius, his eyes mobing fast between his godly features, furrowing his brows slightly not understanding why sirius stopped him. did he make him uncomfortable? was sirius really not in the mood and remus overstepped a boundry? remus felt a horrible tingling feeling in his stomach as his brain raced between all the possibilities.
"remus im sorry- i cant do this" sirius said, as soon as the words left his mouth he felt horrible, reading the shocked and bewildered expression on remus face, he looked very hurt and unsure of himself.
"oh- fuck okay im sorry" remus said quickly, getting off sirius and leaving his bed, but sirius held his arm to immobilize him and not make him leave. they stared at each other for a few seconds that felt painfully long. both of them felt confused, upset with themselves and unsure of what to do or say next.
"can you please stay" sirius said quietly avoiding remus' eye. remus didnt respond which made sirius feel a horrible pit of nerves in his stomach.
"i- i don't understand. you just asked me to stop and told me you cant do this" remus spoke lowly with a soft rasp in his voice. sirius buried his head in his hand, he was on the brink of tears, he honestly didnt know what or how to explain his confusion to remus. how could he explain it or put it in cohesive words when he himself didn't understand.
"sirius please talk to me" remus said softly, holding sirius' hand
"rem i dont know how-"
"do you trust me?" remus cut him off.
"what- yes of course" sirius said sternly.
"then please tell me how you feel"
"how i feel about what?" sirius asked
"about doing this" remus tried to explain, sirius knew at once he was referring to all the sexual stuff they do.
"remus i love it. i enjoy it a lot, i sometimes just want the day to end only to get in bed with you. i- i dont know how to word my feelings because it's honestly just all a mess inside me" sirius spilled. this was the most he'd spoken all day. remus smiled at the last sentence. "what about you?" sirius asked, feeling the same horrible pit of nerves in his stomach increase. remus however smiled.
"i do things for you pads that id never do to anyone" he said, smiling more. he leaned closer to sirius' face and brushing a few strands of his hair out of his face. "but, if you feel unsure about this, we can stop and just be friends. i'd completely understand"
"no what the fuck moony" sirius said before he could stop himself, remus looked in his eyes. "no im unsure about your feelings to me, not about my feelings to you" he tried to explain.
"you think i dont like you?" remus asked quickly.
"well not exactly but im not sure how you feel towards me". at this, remus leaned down to kiss sirius lips a soft and tender kiss. he took his time to savor every bit of his mouth he could.
"maybe this would give you a good idea about how i feel about you" he smiled at him. "we're both exhausted, its best if we just go to sleep"
"right okay. can you sleep with me?" sirius asked, remus gave a breathy laugh at his sweet request.
"yes darling i can" he said with his usual rasp apparent, getting under the blanket and spooning sirius playing with his hair for the the next foreseeable hours until both of them were sleeping.
soft sun rays illuminated through the window of the gryffindor tower and on the entire hogwarts grounds. the translucent curtains that were in the dormitory were not doing any shielding from the sun rays whatsoever. it fell gently on the two boys that were sleeping together, tangled together, their bodies almost intertwining so perfectly with each other as if they were jigsaw pieces. sirius' head was on remus' chest, remus hugging sirius' body towards him and their legs just tangled. they looked so peaceful, their chests raising and going down every couple of seconds, it was all so perfect that one could confidently bet that even their heartbeats were in sync.
an owl came knocking its beak on the window above the bed theyre on, breaking the gentle yet majestically peaceful the state they were in. sirius shifted slightly in his sleep, opening his eyes to find uninvited sunlight penetrating right through his eyeballs. the owl made another knock on the window trying to grab their attention.
"fine okay" sirius said rasply, he got up sitting upright opening the window for that stupid owl that interrupted his sleep. the owl had two parcels tied on its leg. sirius untied them and the owl flew out at once.
"whos that from?" a raspy voice spoke he immediately knew it was remus.
"um, i think its" he turned the parcel around to see if there was any name, he smiled when he saw the senders name.
"yep, its from prongs" he said looking at remus who also smiled warmly.
"well, we'll open it later, lets just get up quickly now before we miss breakfast" he said, sitting up right and sliding his legs out of the bed. the two boys changed into their normal clothes. remus got into a hand knitted sweater and pants, sirius also got into a baggy sweatshirt and sloppily tied his hair up.
"pads is that mine?" remus smiled looking at the sweater sirius was wearing.
"maybe" sirius replied with a cheeky tone.
"course it is" remus rolled his eyes. "you literally have the biggest closet out of all of us, yet youre never wearing your shit" sirius gave him a weird look.
"not that i mind it darling" remus said softly, playing with sirius' hair slightly. they both left the dormitory and walked down to the common room with the intention to leave to the great hall, however they were met by a small table that was put in front of the fireplace with breakfast food laying on it. they looked at each other exchanging weird looks.
"there was no point of making you leave the common room only to go down and eat when its only you too in the whole school" professor mcgonagall's voice spoke. she was sitting on an armchair wearing her usual green dressing gown. "well anyway, im going down to have breakfast with the rest of the teachers. you two have a merry christmas" she smiled slightly and left the common room.
remus and sirius were just left there standing stupidly in front of the food table.
"well, i guess we're not leaving. sit down lets eat im starving" sirius said sitting himself down and starting to eat toast. they both ate until they were full and just laid on their armchairs to take their breath.
"wanna open the parcel prongs sent?" remus asked after ten minutes of silence.
"uhh sure" sirius said, getting the parcels, handing remus one box and he opened the other one. he tore the wrapping and opened it, a smile breaking on his face.
"he got me a wand polishing set. oh and look, he got me some hair bands" remus laughed a little. sirius put the hair bands in his wrist.
"what are you laughing at, i love it" sirius smiled "what did he get you?"
"he got me part six of 'crows or crowns'. its my favorite book and he knows i couldn't find that volume anywhere" remus' face wore a very big smile from that present. "oh and look! he got me a vest, it's beautiful"
"i'll be wearing that" sirius said at once
"of course darling you can wear it whenever"
"remus open my gift!" sirius said with so much excitement, remus held the huge box wondering what he has inside. he stared at sirius before opening it, unsure of what will meet him when he opens it. his suspicion grew larger when he was met by a cheeky smiling sirius.
"its not gonna blow up in my face right?" remus laughed a little
"only one way to find out" sirius shrugged
"oh god" remus joked. he opened the box and the first thing he saw was a big box inside labeled 'book polishing kit' remus' face fell with shock.
"sirius! sirius is this a book polishing kit? oh my god" he was gasping. sirius felt his cheeks burn by the fond expression on remus' face.
"holy shit pads where did you get this, these are so rare and expensive" he held it close to his face examining it with so much excitement.
"shhh its a gift" sirius was kind of embarrassed fora reason he doesnt know. "theres more stuff"
remus looked inside the box and laughed out loudly when he saw at least a doesnt bars of chocolate.
"what are you laughing at! this is the muggle chocolate you told me you like" sirius said flustered a little.
"yes yes i love it" remus smiled. "thank you"
sirius shrugged, not knowing what to say in situations like this.
"um, right open my gift" remus said looking nervous. remus' gift was something a little different and not very expected, he spent a lot of time thinking whether its a good idea or not. hes so nervous for sirius to see it, he felt his stomach lurch so badly he might vomit. he handed sirius an a4 piece of parchment that was folded into quarters. sirius gave him a confused yet excited look.
"are you giving me your transfiguration homework as a christmas gift moony" he joked.
"oh shut up and open it" every fibre in remus' body was screaming in anticipation and nerves. sirius unfolded the paper and read:
"dear sirius,
i am writing this in the dormitory for the fifteenth time at least. i thought so much about this and decided that its perfect. six years ago when i laid eyes on you for the first time, you had this aura that carried so much charm, something about your stupid gorgeous personality was so seductive and made me in complete lust for you. there aren't enough words in the english language to explain how you make me feel, nothing will come close to describing how i feel when you slip in bed with me every night, when i play with your hair, when i hear your heartbeats, when i hold your hand and stroke it with my thumb, when you kiss my scars, when you sit next to me in class sit there looking pretty doing nothing. i came to the conclusion that every little thing you do has me in utter awe. no one has ever made me feel like that, for a long time i was so confused as to why and how you could do that so effortlessly. i was confused about how i felt about you for so long, i was so confused about myself, and you helped me come to terms with who i am, by being so unapologetically you. at the end of a hard day you're always there to cheer me up, even in my darkest days, when nothing felt like it'll be okay ever again, you're always fucking here to change that. the number of times you've saved my life sirius, i couldnt tell you, by just merely being here. i figured that no matter what happens and no matter where life takes me, i want to always be with you. i never want to see that day i have to depart you, i dont ever see it coming because not even the strongest force from the gods above will make me leave you. im in love with you. im so fucking in love you idiot. im in love with the way you talk, the way you tie your hair, the way you dress, the way your eyes crease when you smile, your bark like laugh, your stupid jokes that i find funny unironically, your chirped nail polish... just in love with you. so sirius, this is me asking, do you want to be my boyfriend?"
sirius read the letters at least three times to make sure he wasnt missing anything, to make sure he was reading it correctly. was remus asking him out? was remus actually in love with him? none of this felt real. sirius felt like he's seeing stars in his vision, like he was going to pass out any second right now. he looked up at remus who was staring attentively on him and watching his every reaction. he met eyes with him and felt like all the worlds oxygen was being drained.
"so?" remus asked, his voice quivering.
"so?" he repeated as if this was a incredulous thing so say, " fuck yes i wanna be your boyfriend" sirius threw himself on remus on his armchair and splattered him with kissed everywhere he could reach.
"i never thought id be the lucky person to actually end up dating you" sirius breathed
"please, im the lucky one here" remus rolled his eyes.
"i mean hell yeah you are" sirius said sarcastically.
the pair of them spent the rest of the day sitting on the armchair cuddled up with the heat of each other, sharing soft intimate touches every now and then. they spent the whole day in peace and delicacy and made the most out of each other’s company. soon enough before they knew it, the holidays were over and students were returning to hogwarts for their second term.
“hi remus! hey sirius, good holiday? how are you two?” james showered them with questions enthusiastically when they saw him come in the gryffindor common room, he seemed to be in a cheerful mood.
“yea, great holiday” remus mumbled finding himself an armchair and sitting in it. the rest followed and sat on armchairs around him but sirius sat on his lap which remus scooted over a little to make space for him. james and lily looked at each other rolling their eyes playfully but happy that theyre on good terms, unlike the last time they saw them.
“what about you two? and you wormy? how was ur holiday” remus asked calmly, playing with sirius’ hair absentmindedly.
“great we had a great a time, i invited lily and wormy over, wormy couldnt make it though. but lily and i had fun, my parents liked her a lot” james smirked looking at her. “obviously they knew her because i always talked about her to them, but they’ve never really- woah WOAH” james’ speach was cut abruptly when he saw sirius attach his lips to remus’ and remus kissed him back fondly. they all exchanged shocked looks but they werent too shocked, they knew something was happening between the pair of them.
“woah guys” james laughed as they broke the kiss apart and giggled at their reaction.
“yea um, remus and i are dating” sirius said, lookinh flustered slightly. remus was still playing with his hair softly.
“does that mea we can go on double dates?” james said at once
“james potter i am not going on double dates with you and sirius thank you very much” lily said sarcastically.
“suit yourself, james and i are going on dates” sirius shrugged
“james and you are what-“ lily looked confused but cant help a laugh.
“thats right evans” sirius said in a dignified tone.
“dont you talk to my girlfriend like that black!” remus said at once. they all laughed at the sitiuation but lily said with a serious voice, “guys im so happy for you, youre finally together” she smiled wamrly. remus and sirius scooted closer next to each other smiling back at her.
“really proud of my mates” james said, trying to keep a serious tone but smirking at the same time.
#the marauders#incorrect wolfstar quotes#hp marauders#incorrect marauders quotes#marauders headcanon#marauders era#sirius orion black#siriusxremus#sirius x remus#remus lupin#sirius black#padfoot#moony padfoot and prongs#wolfstar#wolfstar fic#wolfstar one shot#james potter#lily evans#prongs#jily
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For this - was there ever a point you believed that there could have been a reciprocated sexual/romantic component to John and Pauls relationship? From my personal experience, I actually started off in the tumblr fandom being a believer, but its like, the more I read and learned about the relationship, the more apparent it became for me that it was only John who was bisexual. I still think its plausible that something could have happened between them (whereas there are fans *ahem r/beatles* who are like “no. theyre both 1000% straight. ur just stupid for even contemplating it.”) but overall I feel like the furthest I can go with that theory is just speculation (and speculation can be fun and I don’t personally take an issue with people who are more speculative by nature then me - but I prefer to try and keep as grounded and objective in my analysis’ as possible, though I fully admit too that im prone to projection and idealism, just like anybody else).
Oh and another thing - I feel like I agree with you on a lot of things concerning “mclennon”, but one thing I vaguely recall you saying was something to the effect of ‘there wasn’t any romance involved in their relationship’* - and to that I would counter with, though I believe Paul probably is heterosexual (since I don’t see any strong/unequivocal evidence to the contrary) I think that its still very possible for some kind of romance to have occurred between him and John. When I was initially asked (some months ago) if I believe there was romance between John and Paul, my immediate reaction was to equate the question with “do I think they had a romantic relationship (in the most literal, physical and apparent sense)?” - and like ive said above, my answer to that would be: probably not (at least, I dont see enough evidence to justify that belief). But after having heard someone (can’t remember who unfortunately) say something like ‘romance is too abstract a term to really prescribe a yes or no response to’ I changed my mind on it. I think that there was something of a romantic nature between John and Paul, I just dont see the evidence to support them having had an actual, acknowledged romantic relationship.
(*If ive misunderstood you there, feel free to correct me! Im pulling this from memory so I could by all means be wrong)
Anyway, gonna end this ask cause its wayyyy too long ((and wayyy too much about me me ME lol (sorry im chatty! But I am genuinely interested in hearing your response here, so this isn’t entirely self indulgent lmao))
It’s okay!!! No problem.
I actually agree with your perspective but I wouldn’t call it romance—Paul is a very romantic guy, as we can all see, but I don’t think John falls into his category of romance. Romantically, Linda is the love of his life and his soul mate. I do believe, however, John is his soulmate by other means, and that they perhaps had a very different kind of “romance”, one that Paul will never find with anyone else. It’s fun to look at their relationship as a sort of musical “romance”, but it is not romantic by the standards of actual lovers.
I think, and especially after watching Get Back, it’s fair to compare their musical partnership to a romance. Even down to how they watch each other in the studio, how they lose themselves in each other when they’re playing together, how everyone in the room feels like they’re intruding when Paul and John are writing with each other like this:
I mean hell, I’ll be honest, after watching these two in Get Back I was like… songwriting between them feels like their souls are making love. No joke.
It is something that, for Paul, he places above quite literally anything else. It’s something that’s dear to him, something he loves and needs with his whole heart. It is something the two would never find anywhere else, and never be better than without. It’s genuinely the most unique, sincere, impactful, and deep relationship in musical history—and it literally changed the world.
I love John and Paul.
But I don’t think this means they had an actual romance with each other at all. And I don’t think it means they were supposed to, either. Regardless of John’s feelings, his connection with Paul was still unrivaled, it was still so powerful and unique and as endearing as ever. It’s okay that they were like this and were never actually romantic. In my opinion, it’s even better that way. It just makes their relationship all the more better.
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I guess it’s my turn to misunderstand you. For some reason I processed the last part as you weren’t going to reply and you were done? Not sure how I got there on a reread-
I brought up the other Da Vinci theories cause they somehow came up in my research on the man as a whole.
The female/hermaphrodite came from someone pointing out that the Mona Lisa and Da Vinci’s self portrait shares similar features. (X) And I found another one about the Mona Lisa also being Da Vinci in drag. (X)
I definitely recognize the factors. Which is why I genuinely have no opinion about the theory. What prompted my little info dump was a comment section in the IkeVamp Da Vinci wiki. One of the commenters falsely claimed (more accurately put falsely framed) that tons of historians sorta confirmed the theory when they didn’t. It wasn’t quite true and in a moment of excitement to gush about my research and desire to discuss the comment, I dropped so much information about everything that well- it got messy in 18 notes.
That’s another factor that I tend to like to point out in many of these topics. Cultural norms have shifted over time and the norms were very different depending on the country. So what we many see as one thing could be very different in another. Like the Soviet brotherly kiss, many Russians will get quite upset that people keep making the kiss romantic when it’s more platonic. It’s placing modern western views on things that don’t line up.
Yes, I realize that my thought process is literally all over the place. I’m trying to keep it still very narrow in terms of how quickly I jump.
I haven’t found the theories about Newton having ADHD/autism. So thank you for giving me more things to look up.
I do know that Newton liked to read books from Middle Easterners so his knowledge of gravity and such did come from their research & knowledge. Sorta wish that Cybird expanded upon the nerdy boy a bit in that aspect.
As for the recent aspects of the discussion, you can say that I don’t have to apologize. However it’s a massive habit, especially in discussions where my mental state keeps causing my train to keep being derailed. I’ve gotten quite a bit of lectures from my parents on being consistent and clear yet I struggle massively with it.
It happens, and to quite a bit of people, but I forget how quickly sexuality and gender can cause a fight if left unchecked. So being clear and having less of those problems would almost be necessary.
It happens!
Thanks for the links!
That makes a lot of sense, I get excited too and gush, so thats understandable. And well, you know, theres only so much you can say in an anon message. I'm sorry I misunderstood so badly.
There's a lot of factors when it comes to considerin these things, yes, and i think it requires a lot of discussion. I hope this didnt scare you off from furthering the discussion in general (with others or not) ;;
And! A friend told me about that newton fact. It would have been nice having it mentioned in the game, I agree.
I dont remember how solid the theories were on him having adhd/autism, or how many articles I ran into about it (i dont think it was a lot? Its been a good few....months....)
And, well qq if it makes you feel better. I just keep saying that you don't have to apologize since you weren't in the wrong here. I jumped to conclusions with a misunderstanding and caused issues, none of that is your fault.
While I thank you for your offer on continuing in an IM, I hardly message many people here, so I will have to politely decline the offer. However, I wanted to let you know that it was appreciated that you apologized and was willing to continue our conversation about history and the game. I’m going to apologize again for the miscommunications that I had on multiple occasions, especially the portion that sparked the situation.
Its okay! I appreciate you being willing to explain/clarify despite my initial harsh tones. I really hope that none of this deters you from talking to others about it and/or furthering looking into these things. I'm sorry for such a bad experience.
Thank you for talking to me regardless! I hope you have a good day, anon qq
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mmmm…. i have new thoughts about my ex and i’s situation.
i know i have rambled on here in the past about them. often bitterly and angrily. to be honest, those words came from a place of immense hurt and betrayal. a lot of pain and a lot of complex emotions that i needed to vent out and process. and the way i did this previously was… rather embarrassing and harmful and not good for anyone. but it has been a long year, and i have had much to think about. and my brain does not like to process many of these things in a normal way. i often just use this blog as a place to barf out my thoughts at random so i can work out whats going on in my mind. this doesnt excuse it but i hope it allows for some understanding.
its been a long time since my ex and i broke up. and i just… idk didnt know how to deal properly. but i think about them a lot. obviously. what you see is mostly the negatives. the frustrations and the confusions and the residual aches and pains. mostly because these are what im trying best to understand. i want to understand them, i want to understand their perspective. it frustrates me when i cant understand, and it frustrates me more when i feel as if they couldnt understand me or didnt even try. but i still care for them greatly. which is why i get frustrated. i do not think many people understand this. i want to understand why they hurt me. i want to understand how i hurt them. i want to learn and grow. but to do that i also have to experience and process the anger and frustration i felt towards them. this is what you all see when i ramble and rant.
anyway this is the last time im doing this publicly because honestly this is a stupid way to process stuff this and i figured out something way better. also im just. tired of it. im tired of being angry and being hurt. that doesnt mean itll stop but. yall wont be seeing it.
i still hold many of my previous thoughts and criticisms of them. and i still consider many of these valid and fair. and i still deny ever doing many of the things they accused me of because ive spoken with other people about them - people actually involved in the situation(s), and they have supported and corroborated my side of the story as well as my feelings regarding those various situations.
however i have come to some realizations that i think allow me to better understand parts of their side of it all.
ive realized some things about myself and how my mind functions that have lead me to other realizations. these realizations include that i misunderstood a lot of things they were trying to get me to do, tools they were trying to get me to employ, things that actually would have been helpful to me had i understood. i see now that in some of the cases they were pushing me on and making me extremely uncomfortable with, that they were genuinely trying to be helpful because they cared. because they were trying to help me just as i was trying to help them.
the problem here is that i was not ready for, and did not understand a lot of the new things being pushed at me. much of what they were trying to get me to engage with were therapy techniques and stuff to learn to cope better. unfortunately due to a lot of previous bad experiences with therapy and such techniques i am extremely adverse to and suspicious of therapy and therapeutic settings/techniques. combined with a lot of new information about myself that i needed time to adjust to and process. a lot of it scared me and i needed them to slow down and be gentler with me in this rather than throwing me in the deep end and expecting me to swim.
i misunderstood a lot of the tools they were trying to offer me - how to use them properly and why. i thought i made this obvious that i didnt understand a lot of it and in fact didnt want to engage with a lot of it outright - even though i was willing to try. the issue is i also needed a good example or instruction of what they wanted from me and… well. they did their best, this i know they tried, but it was not enough for me to understand what they really wanted from me.
i now understand that this is likely why they grew frustrated with me. and this also factors into something that ive come to realize and understand about myself - in fact its one of the things they criticized about me most… ive come to understand the true nature of what the thing i did that they hated most was actually. and ive since worked out a solution to it that actually has been shown to be far more effective and efficient in doing what the thing they were criticizing me about most was doing. this took a lot of work and a long time for me to come to the realization of what it was that i needed to do and how it worked. and i needed to be allowed to make this discovery on my own time, at my own pace to be able to accept it as part of how i work.
unfortunately due to a lot of things, i was also quite terrible to them myself. and i recognize this. i recognized it before - i tried my best to fix my understanding of it but i did not know what i didnt know. i did not know, and did not understand, what i now know and understand. but much of my actions were because i was scared, confused, uncomfortable, and dealing with a whole lot of shit outside of our relationship. and i am genuinely and truly remorseful for what i did. i was remorseful back then, and i still am now. i did some bad things and i know this. i speak of it vaguely here because honestly while im just shouting to the void i still know this is a public blog and theres a chance people will actually read this and frankly. i consider it none of their business unless they were involved. i did lash out at them, and i did treat them unfairly.
however i still feel as if they refuse to acknowledge my point of view in much of this, as well as that they lashed out at me and have refused to acknowledge and apologize for it all. i have never heard them say the words “im sorry” for any of the things i consider the worst things they did to me. much of the time they refused to even acknowledge the fact that a lot of it hurt me despite me outright stating such. they also refused to acknowledge that i had repeatedly tried to assert my own boundaries with them and refused to accept a new boundary when it was drawn.
they did a lot of terrible things to me in return. including things that they, themself, accused me of doing to them initially. i still deny these accusations and consider myself completely innocent (at worst, should my own memory really be that faulty, i consider myself only having caused a huge misunderstanding among friends as well as having accidentally fucking up something that left out important context). i feel this way because they would not produce any evidence to prove to me my own actions that would negate the memories i myself actually have as well as the evidence in support of my side of the case that i have. all they could provide was testimony from a person who would not have had direct access to either side of the conversation that they are alleging happened a certain way. a conversation that i, personally, was half of. a conversation that i spoke with the other half about again, after showing them what i was being accused of, who also verified my recollection of the events.
i feel as if they refuse to even consider my perspective. i felt this way for a good amount of the relationship, and i still feel this way. i feel that they refused to communicate with me and ensure that both of us completely understood the other. i feel that they refused to be considerate of my needs and respectful towards me as a person after a certain point. i feel as if they refused to work to compromise with me on many situations, and i feel that they often tried to demand of me many things that were unreasonable, and that they often moved goalposts or failed to deliver on their end of the deal when i still bent over backwards to do something for them.
however. i do also feel that at some point in time, they did genuinely care for me. and i do feel like i would like to apologize for the new places where i realize i caused them undue stress and frustration.
but i also feel that they would not accept this apology for those parts that i now recognize my own hand in without me accepting and apologizing for the narrative that i know is false. additionally… i do not feel as if they would accept or apologize for any of their own parts in the situation. i still feel theyre likely to reject that they hurt me very very deeply, and badly in return.
as much as i would like to start the conversation of potentially working out the issues and reconnecting as friends… i still feel as if they would view this as an impossibility. because i feel they view me as something of a monster, and not as someone who was under immense amounts of stress and pressure and was very confused and scared for months on end.
i recognize its very likely their feelings echo my own. except for the portion about potentially being friends again… i feel as if this is a forgone conclusion to them that it will not be happening.
all this said…
i also want to say this. in hindsight they were right about the tool they gave to me for one of my specific issues. the one they gave me before the start of it all. the one i was extremely adverse to accepting and trying to adapt to. i did not understand what its actual purpose was for at the time, nor did i understand how they actually meant for me to use it. because of some recent things ive learned about myself, as well as have been able to actually accept, i now understand what they meant. and ill admit that they were right about this one. its really helpful now that i understand what i was supposed to do with it.
they were right and i was wrong. simple as. at least, in regards to this one thing.
#chrono speaks#griff talks about his ex#for the final time anyway#this is all for me tbh#just cuz its helping me to come to terms with some stuff and feel more at peace with things#i dont think theyll see it#they never looked at my blog anyway before#just ive been doing a lot of introspection and thinking and you guys only see a portion of it all and not even my real like#level headed thoughts on things
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Hey how’s your day? Have you eaten good? Did you listen to dark clouds today(if not pls stream it my bubu deserves the world)
SO,,,,,,,,I have my sun in cancer(1stH) and moon(12h),mercury(1 H) Venus(12h)and rising in gemini also pisces mars&mc(9h) , cancer saturn in the 1h also... also two steuillm(idk how to write it lol) in both of my 9H(neptune Uranus and mars) and my 1H (sun mercury and saturn) also i have Jupiter in leo in the 3rd house (also my Venus and moon and acs opposite of my sag pluto in the 6H)
Growing up i have never been attached to people around me(?) like i love my family and they are the ones I always get attached to but when it comes to my friends I don’t actually care if they didn’t talk to me i mean im not gonna claim i am a good friend but I really appreciate privacy for myself and other ( and i fear if i asked them they will say i am too nosy ) and tbh I always didn’t like to talk to my friends cause ‘what if i suck At having a good conversation with them and they will get bored with me” , and I noticed people around me don’t really know my interest they just assume that i am “good at art” 💔 even though i know i do art just to do it as a personality trait...
I never tried to get to know people better because i will always know them from the first conversation like “how they will react to certain things and their insecurities and problems”, don’t ask me how but I always been this way, i know what people actually feel from their eyes, but when it comes to me no one understands me like even my sister told me “your eyes look emotionless” and I agree I don’t have the ✨spark✨.
And I might as well add that you don’t have to answer this, i have been extra lonely these days i just need to write anything about my emotions about my self and how i suck at being a decent person and talker.
Hello! My day just started, so nothing happened yet, but yes I’ve eaten well, hope you did too! xx And of course I streamed Taeyongs new song, honestly I’m always so so excited when he shows his own stuff!!! Can’t wait for what’s to come next! <3 Also, I just want to mention that it’s totally fine that you write and you can feel free to start a conversation whenever you like! If you feel comfortable you can also use the messenger to write me directly but if you feel more comfortable on anon that’s totally fine of course! <3
To be very honest with you I feel like I should not trace all of your feelings back to your placements. I don’t want your problems that could be caused by external forces to look like they purely come out of you - and thus making your the source of your problems. Please keep that in mind, as I’ll continue to look at it from an astrological point of view!
I think one thing that can be said about cancer energy in general is that it’s always kind of ‘on and off’. Cancer is so emotionally in tune with everything that they can purposefully detach from their surroundings and own feelings. I think due to the stereotypes that are so widly spread people actually don’t know that cancer energy is mostly not very active and in your face - in fact the default setting is mostly very ‘laid back’, only retreating from the shell if feels safe to come out, triggered or they see a good reason for it. That being said, I think with your first house stellium in Cancer + your Saturn being in it as well, it probably creates this heaviness around your perception of others, your feelings and how the world connects to you. Especially since it’s in Sun (your ego) and Mercury (your perception, communication and thinking) as well. Basically you could feel hyperaware of the those invisible bonds and dynamics. You yourself could feel very burdened by that, taking on all those peoples needs and meanwhile feeling very malnourished yourself. This can create pessimism and hoplessness, especially with Saturn in the 1st (here in Cancer), the outlook on yourself and your environment could be especially gloomy, you might not expect for people to reciprocate your efforts and get you. With your Moon in 12th, Pisces Mars and 9th house stellium, so a lot of mutuable energy adding to it, you could feel very out of touch with your surroundings as well. Your intuition and sensitivity is heightened, you might feel like there is no ‘real form’ to you at times and thus it’s even harder to give people a solid idea of yourself. To ground the self and practice mindfullness might help here, but of course this might not fully relate to the actual reality to your problems, I’m not trying to diminish them of course.
Still, I think that the heavy water and mutuable energy might put you in a constant state with being out of touch and very into a moment and feeling at the same time, your Cancer stellium in the 1st with Saturn adding to it could make your empathetic abilities actually feel like a burden. You might need a lot of retreatment time in general, especially with Moon in the 12th as well, but it could also feel like getting lost if your stay in your secluded space for too long.
One personal insight I want to share though is - and again, this is not meant to put the burden on yourself but sometimes we need to be more aware of our own personal freedom of choice I believe - a common theme Cancers or people with profound Cancer energy in their chart will experience is all about ‘opening up’. Cancer is an enigma and I believe a wildly misunderstood and weirdly reconstructed sign because it doesn’t open up most of the time. I’m not trying to push you to anything but getting stuck in repetetive negative cycles can be common for a lot of Cancer people until they have gained enough experience to find a good balance and actual good intuition of when to be open and privat, because Cancers can easily fall into the extremes here (just like their sister Scorpio). I’m truly hoping for the best and I am sorry for the long rant! Take care x
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Hi Wendy!! I hope you’re doing amazing! I have a couple questions, if you’d be willing to answer them! I’m a counselor at a summer camp for 8-12 year olds, and I have learned that this week we’re going to have a few autistic kids. I’m pretty sure I’m on the spectrum as well, but I was wondering if you had any advice for helping these kids enjoy their week as much as they can. Like, if you were a camper, what would you want your counselors to do? I know that everyone is different, of course.
the thing with autism is that ‘everyone is different’ is a very big part of it! autism is such a big collection of behaviours/manifestations that its rare you’ll meet two autistic folks that have the exact same autism sandwich sdfgdf
get to know them one-on-one like you would any kid and try to take what others might say abt them with a grain of salt because autistic people, esp kids are chronically misunderstood a lot. try your best to keep an eye on them in situations that might have a lot of sound/light/smell or any potential for sensory overload. remind them that if an experience at any point becomes uncomfortable they can ask to stop or find an alternative. check in with them! obv you should do this for any kid but its a little more necessary to be more in-tune w/ autistic ones.
honestly a lot of my advice on this topic is hard because it truly just boils down to “dont be a horrible person” xD??? let your kids stim how they want, and work out beforehand how to redirect a stim/take it elsewhere if for whatever reason it harms or upsets other kids. if a kid has a comfort object they need to bring with them, let them. if your kids aren’t entirely verbal or are known to go nonverbal, figure out ways to communicate with them, like asking yes or no questions and reminding them to respond however theyre comfortable. learn about their interests and ask them about those interests. overall just encourage them to be themselves and make it as clear as possible that they won’t be penalized for being themselves and not hurting anyone.
honestly as a kid i mostly just wanted people to listen to me talk about stuff that made me happy, to not be forced to make eye contact (i really like to look over your shoulder or off past you when we’re talking!), and to be able to easily exit out of an experience that suddenly became overwhelming for me. at camp my BIGGEST problem was camp food. every night we were forced to all eat one thing and there was no freedom to choose another meal. for an autistic person with ARFID, that means you either starve or vomit. i don’t really know what fixes for that a counselor could do cause i don’t know how much power y’all have, but it was the worst part of my experience and i would’ve been a lot happier if i could choose food i was capable of eating instead of being labeled a ‘problem child’ and accused of hunger striking because i didn’t like camp.
sorry this is all over the place dfggfdgsd. i wanna help but im not a mental health/disability professional, i’m truly just an autism doing their best fdghgh
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I would recommend the show and pilot the Progenies. I hope it continues to flourish because honestly its really the only thing that got me interested into the whole descendant cast of characters. I never read the books and only saw just show but with but that pilot and harriyanna hook discussion truly got me interested into the characters and I can't wait for her to do them justice. Secondly I don't understand how people can be interested in Mal, while I do agree to like what you like and to not harass others ship and such because doesn't do anything other cause more fiction and fights. but as casual as I am with show and characters I don't really get why people are willing to die on hill of character who can be easily taken out of the story and nothing being lost. She just very bland vanilla cake, like it might as well be a sponge for how many mistakes in the attempt. (sorry for my kinda racist pun)
For example I think you already lost the cause when one she isn't very interesting visually or personality wise, plus doesn't help when their fav literally force her love interest (Ben) to become her love interest by magic love potion to get back at someone who mean to her. which in my opinion i don't care if it was a lie and weren't finances or dating the attempt to take someone boyfriend from some else just because don't like them is gross and toxic, if he or she want to break up with them its their right not yours just because jealous or think they deserve better. Another thing is Mal is mean and yeah I get it they live in toxic place with villains as parents but just doesn't even feel like she cares about friends she must rather jump off and ruin their chances of good life and opportunity for others that are still stuck in the lost, and then I'm supposed to see how she is much better comparison to her parents?! and see her as such great friend and leader;
Even when she has the opportunity she hardly spend time with them and when she does push down their wants and need because she believe she "doesn't deserve this nice life" or the more tragic "too bad to deserve second chance". Some would say that its complex and deep and nuance but in reality its just confusing and stupid. like she wants as the others to step out of shadow of villains parents and be notice for themselves without being judge for what parents had done. However, if she so much better and change from her mother than why does she keep doing stuff that put not only herself in jeopardy but people she suppose to care about down with her, I can get her being anxious and worry she hasn't done enough to rectify her mother sins but at no point did she ever think to talk to her friends who's probably going through it as well or to her loving boyfriend who do anything for her. the only choice was to run away back to the isle without telling anyone just because you feel like something wrong and don't fit, and ruin that chance for others like herself at getting redemption or chance for better life.
And big why here why is it okay for her to make mess and never get consequences for her actions; yes she got some with Audrey and her friends but that quickly got over. Its like never cross her mind that yeah after humiliating Audrey and taking her title and her boyfriend that maybe she i don't know take it well, never went check up on her or apologized or even asked maybe Ben to go check up on her or both find her and talk to her and help through break up. Or in Uma case and others there's never a time for her to I don't know even ask her boyfriend the same guy who made the decreed for you and friends to get off isle to help gain others off isle other then just group, or was no time to talk to Uma before leaving and apologize for leaving in bad terms and promise to help get off the isle, no she had to be forgotten and then seen as villain when both Mel and Uma were friends and equally bad.
Its really telling that when her (mel) own boyfriend is the only person who can see she misunderstood while being kidnapped and in danger. Like all the girl wanted was to escape and be given a chance, and who could blame her when someone given the chance left it the moment it matter the most. and with the fight I can't blame Uma for being mad because while yes it was mean to laugh at friend who feel into the water but in defense probably didn't think it that serious because she can literally turn into a dragon and fly up, in that comparison never to apologize for getting shrimp in her hair that she could never get smell out which already traumatizing to then have everyone else call her shrimpy which is worse. I could understand if she told Uma that she had a fear of drowning and water and had her laugh at her, however from I can guess at they only close friends and not besties so she probably never told her if she had that fear, I only say this because if she had I could see Uma going out her way to try help her with her fear maybe even teaching her how to swim.
I get this suggestion from how she acts with her crew like when Harry lost his hook she went out of her way to help him back onto the dock even if she didn't need to help and rather if she so evil it would've beneficial for her to continue her fight with Mal and win. Plus giving Uma personality she would've help Mal out after she laugh because once again probably didn't see it as serious and thought funny to joke about, kinda how your friend would laugh if you fell not out of malice but because that how they react to when they worry. And yet I'm still supposed to see her in the wrong and even if take out the whole race thing it still would look bad but when add it makes it even worst. which doesn't help that Mal is convinced that Uma is evil for kidnapping her boyfriend, which i go back to evidence one where she not better for drugging or attempt to drug Ben.
And this isn't even going into the whole how she treat her supposed loving relationship with Ben, which is just makes her more of hypocrite at least with Uma she treats people she cares about with love but according to Disney wiki im supposed see her as "manipulate" like where?! please tell me this missing piece of Uma ever manipulate someone into doing something they didn't want to do. I can guess maybe this got this from Harry and Ben but in Harry case he wanted to help her in her plan to get revenge and escape the isle and with Ben she never lied to him her opinions and thoughts on why she wanted to leave or why she didn't like Mal so him believe she misunderstood or deserve a chance isn't a lie.
Going back to Mal she never even tried or attempted to not do things without her magic, yeah I can see her point of that being stupid to not being able to use magic because isn't any bad magic only bad magic user who use it wrong. However, the point is Ben and others were trying to make is that using the that already got bad reputation from their parents other citizens aren't already going to give chances because what their parents done ruin their world. Yes defeating Malevolence did help their chances but that only the beginning, to really show that they are serious in changing is to give that bad vices giving upon their parents and apparently magic happens to be one of them. nothing is wrong being independent and without using magic to help them in everyday chores they could've been much easier but does give them chance to learn something new.
Had this been years or months later and people still wasn't give her chance despite her showing them her change and want to be better I could've understood but this wasn't the case. What it did prove is Ben and others being in the right because magic did help ruin someone life and made it worse which is Audrey, given she wasn't in right state of mind and left alone with no help or friends that magic amplify the bad emotions which only got worse the more she push away.
But Mal is still seen as in the right and being main character because of what exactly? is it because of her parents that seem artificial and nothing to do with her or is her powers and abilities to become a dragon? because again she got that from her parents and has nothing to do with her personality and person as person.
And to make the sad point is there is some there underneath all of this blandness a very tiny speck of good character or the very least an interesting one but sadly the author hasn't done her justice. which is depressing because even fixing the character you might as well make a brand new one because their isn't any use for her.
It really tragic when Mal's friends and Uma and her crew are much more interested and intrigued. And to be honest without any biased Uma looks much more intriguing I love her concept with her having pirate look while being a sea witch (having the octopus tentacles). I enjoy her beautiful braids and the colors and her outfit (not the one with the jacket that make look clutter but i guess her captain one) that give her badass pirate queen vibe. In comparison Mal doesn't even have anything that even suggested she daughter of Maleficent or for that matter for some reason Hades. are you going tell me that maleficent let her daughter go out in public dressing like that? where are the dark elegance and polish and dignified of daughter of mistress of hell? she should at least have some medieval European style since that what Disney movie of sleeping beauty is based one. its really sad day in hell when I could see the live action movie based on her name (Maleficent) theme and wardrobe closely resemble to an folklore European look and even that movie had problems.
Even Mal's friend Evie has closer style of looking like daughter of evil queen from snow white and being dignity than her and that is saying alot, even though she should've had more German look but that beside the point. Okay then, what about her father Hades she should at very least has some style of Greek even if something small or maybe she take after his personality of hot-headedness or stubbornness but no. and yes I understand its suppose to take place during modern times but when both Ever After High a show and doll line with similar premise God School, and monster high that had some Greek mythology characters in it both had better modern design and themes.
Speaking of Monster High and Ever After High what did do with the Disney descendant dolls? why do that its okay to just half ass and disrespect the characters like that. Uma doll doesn't even have braids where is the attempt all they need to do is use thin yarn or steam the hair to give that to be able to braid yeah it would take long but literally have robots and employees that could do it if so hard. Secondly Sin is where is even is male dolls, like i see one big pack of Carlos and Jay with girls and a couple pack of Mal and Ben but no Harry or Girl no Chad or Doug.
I can understand no one liking Chad because he annoying and don't know how Cinderella can produce that as her child but no Doug even though in the movie both him and Evie are couple they could've couple pack of them. is it because they not most best looking couple?
To be clear there nothing wrong in being conceited and enjoy some character for artificial reason whether that be clothes, design, skin color, race, gender, face appearance, etc. Or in general enjoy broken or bad characters or enjoying blank characters to put yourself into. But to gate others opinions or say that much more to it when it isn't or fight others just because they enjoy Uma compared to Mal is wrong. And if someone honestly without get mad or upset for having my own opinion and can get into a calm discussion and truly tell me why they enjoy Mal without it being what I just stated and could convince me then good, but until I get good evidence that Mal is good character without needing redo then I'm supposed im stuck with this opinion.
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new york’s very own madison ‘madi’ ko was spotted on broadway street in chanel sneakers . your resemblance to kim chungha is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-first birthday bash . while living in nyc , you’ve been labeled as being obsessive , but also ambitious . i guess being a virgo explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be glittery eyes, dangling earrings, & chanel draped in pearls. ( cisfemale & she/her) + ( kale, 20 , she/her , est. )
hi honeybuns !! im back and with child. there is a brief mention of an ed under the cut but i block it off with a tw start & end. if you’d like to plot pls leave a like and i can dm you or hit you up on discord !! my discord is kale#3079
BACKSTORY
haneul madison ko was born september 18, 1999 to two immigrant parents from S.K. her birth name is haneul, but she went by the name madison since it was easier to pronounce + madi began to almost detest her culture??
it was just that growing up she would sometimes get bullied for looking different at her school, for the way her packed lunches smelled/looked, the way people would stare if she spoke korean to her parents, how other kids would make fun of her english since she didn’t pick up on vocab/grammar as quickly since she didn’t practice at home with her parents. she just became SO insecure about it that she rejected her culture. she wouldn’t bring her mom’s food to school, if her mom ever forced her to take it she’d throw it away and choose to starve instead. she wouldn’t speak korean back to her parents in public, barely even in private (which reeaaallly upset her parents). this also REALLY destroyed her korean language skills. she can understand still, but she can barely hold a basic conversation anymore.
as she grew up, and continued this sense of distancing herself from her culture, she ultimately distanced herself from her family. which left her feeling - - alone often, even though it was all due to her own choices. in this loneliness, she found her escape in music. she would wear headphones constantly through the halls, in car rides, in her room when her parents yelled at her to turn the music down. she just loved music. she saved up the money her parents gave her whenever she worked at the nail salon (her parents owned it!!) to thrift an old keyboard. she became self-taught by trying to copy melodies of songs she’d listen to, thrifting piano lesson books, staying after school with the music teacher learning to play. sometimes she’d even skip lunch to sit in the chorus room with her choir director and play.
it’s not that she had a LACK of friends growing up, maybe just that she lacked a best friend. she had a lot of friends, but no one that she felt so connected to in the way she felt connected to music. perhaps, she was addicted to her loneliness.
she spent a lot of time playing the piano and dabbling in writing music that her grades started to fall (not that she was ever the BEST student) and her parents literally took away her piano. they said it was a waste of time because they wanted her to focus on doing well, so she could get into a good university, and then live a good life. music was just a distraction
but that didnt work
she would sneak out into the city to go to concerts and poetry readings. she’d sneak out and go to indie songwriters scenes while her parents thought she was at the library with one of her school friends
This underground scene had her full heart!! she was surrounded by likeminded people who just lived for music. she was hearing all of these incredible people who were all looking for their start. maybe not looking for anything at than just to sing their songs. tbh i think this was the point she was happiest. she was completely enveloped in music, just for the sake of music. There wasn’t any pressure, just music. Just the songs. she was wide eyed looking at this whole underground scene of artists. So maybe some plots from these underground charas?!
she’d perform some songs at karaoke nights and the indie sessions, and a producer took a keen interest in one of her songs. basically im kind of stealing halsey’s career start, but she posted a song Came in Close on SoundCloud and just blew up overnight. in the morning, she woke up to a record label asking her to fly to LA for a meeting.
and thus, Madison Ko began a career as Madi Ko where she’d release her debut album, Honey, a few months later. (DISCOGRAPHY HERE). her music is very 80s synth inspired!
new album that is most definitely CRJ’S EMOTION is coming soon...
PERSONALITY
right off the bat, madi is an absolute firecracker!! she’s loud, bursting with personality, has a lack of inhibitions that CHAOTICALLY mixes with her spontaneity
part of this is projecting her insecurities. she felt lonely as a child but doesn’t want to be seen as that to the world. it’s not so much a persona but an exaggeration of who she was.
she likes to show off her glam bc it, once again, hides her insecurities.
she just kind of is dramatic anymore
like everything about her
her persona as Madi Ko, upcoming popstar underdog, is like DUNKED in glitter, over the top stages and sets, draped in couture. basically her stages/outfits/dances/mvs are like Chungha’s but with Pale Waves and Carly Rae Jepsen VC. ex: 1, 2, 3, 4
also bc im obsessed with chungha’s famous diamond wink, IT’S GONNA BE MADI’S THING TOO. so basically madi has trended on twt a few times bc of her signature diamond wink bc she effing glues rhinestones and glitter under her eyes for performances !! she said fuck corneas !! ex: 1, 2, 3 ....god chungha is magical
so while madi is like a brand hypebeast n never shuts up, she can also get,,, easily annoyed. and heavily perceives ppl on first impressions despite that being the reason she felt misunderstood a lot growing up.
definitely argumentative!!! will blow up arguments for no reason n then later questions why she made it such a big deal but cant own up to her mistakes
when she decides she doesnt like you, SHE DOESNT LIKE YOU. it’s done. bridge is burned, she’s not keen on second chances
fame has definitely given her a bit of an ego problem --- she’s a bit more aggressive, self-obsessed while intrinsically insecure, is too busy flaunting her material possessions and trendy life that she can...lose touch of reality. basically most of her high school friends cant stand her. HC that her high school bf broke up with her bc she was no longer was the madison ko he knew!!! so if anyone wants to be that ex lmk !!! she’s written songs about them!!!
definitely the type of girl who is so hype at a party, dancing in fallen confetti, standing on the fireplace mantle, but then midway realizes she’s lonely. sad at a party.
ED TW STARTS!!!!!
....
she kind of always had body image issues growing up, but it was very off and on, but once she got signed and being by surrounded by cameras became normal she formed a full fledged ED. she’s passed out at concerts a few times bc of her ED, but they always brush it off as “not enough rest” or “she wasnt feeling well that day but pushed to perform anyway as to not disappoint the fans”
so feel free for ur muses to point it out !! she’ll get really defensive like “i eat i just work out a lot” and yeah it’s true she works out a lot but she...doesn’t really eat
it’s also one of the causes of her irritability ...
.....
END ED TW!!!!
idk why this is so long
always up for mischief!
does love a good prank. asks weird hypotheticals
is not scared of an ouija board
will get wasted off a few shots and drunk madi is UNSTOPPABLE
one time drunk madi cried bc her siamese cat (MOCHI !!!) wouldn’t ever get to go to school and would never know chemistry..... the dramatics.....
she is sensitive and despises it. she does everything she can to not come across as sensitive
however, she’s so obsessive. so deep in feeling. when she feels something she FEELS it. when she is mad it boils through her. when she is in love it is all she knows. when she is sad it covers her like sweaters and blankets on rainy days. she doesn’t know how to half-feel. everything she feels stops her in her tracks.
HOWEVER she’s the most obsessive with her own insecurities — so in relationships she’s kind of known for tapping out early. she just gets scared and the fleetingness of her career and that she’s at her very core, lonely and disappointed in herself, makes her want to run away thinking that letting down her walls and being vulnerable could only be disappointing for her SO. so maybe she ghosted ur chara or gave some lame excuse
Kind of obsessed with how she’s perceived
terrified that at any moment her career could be thrown away, her deemed irrelevant, and she goes back to being Madison Ko, daughter of nail techs in Koreatown. and then her parents would have been right all along, music was a waste of time.
she’s just my little fallen angel who flew to the sun (fame) and it constantly eats away at her girlhood, at her heart.
anyways this is all i got rn <3 come love me sorry i kind of didn’t shut up this is long
WANTED CONNECTIONS
an ex from before she was famous who broke up with her because of how she changed!! PLEASE i have ideas for this. plus,,, you get a lot of songs about ur chara!!! could be from high school, maybe someone in the music scene she frequented before she was signed, anything!!
anothr ex/fwb/undefined relationship i’d love is one when she was first famous who just introduced her to everything. something like a whirlwind that was exciting and magical. she’s written songs about this person.
exes in general.
hookups/fwb
romantic plots. pls i have songs who need meaning. friends to lovers, one sided (either way), slowburn, ANYTHING. love cruel summer plots, anything lover by tswift
PR relationships -- would LOVE one where she falls in love with the other despite how clearly defined they made their relationship
love triangles in general just get me going
best friend!!!! the one’s who know how the other feels just by looking at each other. they have countless sleepovers. tell each other everything. cry together on bathroom floors. pregame together.
ex friends. for whatever reason -- maybe madi did smth shitty, maybe they did. maybe there was backstabbing, maybe madi sacrificed friendship for a career, maybe she made moves on their romantic partner/interest despite being fully aware. idk. gimme
People she knew from the underground/indie scene before they were famous!! they’d have bonded over their love for music, little indie dreams kind of vibe. just imagine a group of dreamers !! Would love if they made some kind of pact!!!
party friends
collabs !!
pranks. mischief. gimme
enemies. gotta cook up some drama, yknow
GIRL GANG. god i just want this so bad like make a girls dream come true
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Reader x Gavin - Date Gone... Right?
Title: Date Gone… Right?
Fandom: Mr. Love Queen’s Choice
Character: Gavin
Genre: Plot with porn
Warnings: full on smut at the end
Intended Gender Audience: Female Audience
Word Count: 2908 words
POV: second person
Other comments: kind of had to edit the requests a bit cause i had a vision of merging them,, but i think it worked out pretty well xD im sorry i just have so many gavin requests istg im going to drown i had to combine some of them
Just as you reach for your purse to leave, someone knocks at the door. You raise an eyebrow, unsure as to who it could be.
Upon opening the door, you are surprised to see Gavin standing outside of your apartment. Upon seeing you, he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. “Is it a bad time?” He nods at your get up – the summer dress you are wearing, the makeup you are wearing, and the jewelry that shines in the dim hallway light. “You have a date?”
“No,” you laugh, “It’s just a business meeting.”
Gavin doesn’t seem to believe you, but he purses his lips to keep himself from saying anything else.
“Don’t give me that look. I’m meeting with someone who would like to do a collaboration. If I manage to convince them to work with us, it would boost our views significantly. It is nothing more than a meeting to make sure our views align.” You brush your fingers through your hair. “Oh! I completely forgot to ask– did you need something?”
He goes quiet for a moment but then shakes his head. “No, it can wait until tomorrow.”
You exit your apartment and lock the door behind you. “I have to get going or I’m going to be late. I’ll see you tomorrow then, Gavin.” With that, you turn and walk down towards the elevator, leaving Gavin to linger in front of your apartment.
As the door closes, he calls out, “If you need anything, call me!”
When you arrive at the restaurant, the man you meet offers you a bouquet of roses. “O-Oh, thank you. You didn’t have to, though, but thank you.”
He scratches the back of his neck and smiles awkward. “I thought it was fitting for tonight–”
You tip your head to the side, but brush the comment off. “Shall we go inside?”
“Y-Yes!”
The two of you are given a table with a beautiful view of the skyline – there is a candle in the middle of the table and a rose in a vase next to it. As you glance around, you can’t help but notice that all the other tables are occupied by couples. Your mind clicks, and you wonder if Gavin’s words might have had some truth to them.
Still, you want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, so once you sit down, you pull out the formal proposal for the business collaboration.
“Shouldn’t we order something to eat first? I heard that it can take a while before the food arrives.”
“Oh, of course,” you reply, tucking the papers into your lap.
After making small talk and deciding on drinks and dinner, you put the papers in the middle of the table and begin to talk about the proposal. “Now, this is completely flexible, so let me know what you think about it. If you have any questions, let me know, and we can sort it out.”
He gives you a rather surprised look. “Uh.. I thought that you would be presenting this at tomorrow’s meeting.”
Your stomach sinks. That’s not what you agreed to in the emails you exchanged with him…
“So… this is…”
“Our first date!” He laughs heartily. “I see, you’re just such a hard worker that you wanted to impress me. That’s one of the reasons you caught my eye in the first place. Good looking and smart.”
Exhaling, you take a sip of wine and try to clear your mind. “I think I might have misunderstood–”
“Oh, that’s not a problem.”
“It’s not?”
“Of course you are probably just so awestruck that I managed to get a table here. I’m not a sugar daddy to clarify, but I guess I did want to show off a bit as well.”
He continues blabbering, but you can’t stand it anymore, so you stand up abruptly. “I’m sorry, please excuse me for a moment… I have to… use the little girl’s room.” You flash him a bubbly smile, making him melt in his spot, and you run off in the other direction.
In the restrooms, you pace back and forth, raking your fingers through your hair. How could you have misinterpreted the situation so poorly?! You also don’t want to ruin the mood, in fear that he would retract the collaboration proposal. That would cost your show and company a lot – so the only thing you could do was finish the date.
Unless… You pull your phone out and dial a number.
“Hello?”
“Gavin!”
“Hey, aren’t you on that business meeting?”
You go quiet for a moment and bite your lip.
“It was a date, wasn’t it?”
“I swear I didn’t know!” you exclaim. “But I can’t tell him or he starts talking about himself.” Composing yourself, you take a breath. “Can you… save me…?” It hurt to say those words because you were essentially admitting he was right.
“Yeah, where are you?”
“Main street, at the restaurant on the top floor of the hotel.”
“He took you to Nuit d'Étoile?!”
“Yes…” you reply bashfully. “What are you going to do?”
You hear a door close on the other line. “I’ll come up with something. Stay there.”
“O-Okay,” you mumble. “Thank you, Gavin.”
The line goes silent for a moment, and you hear a motorcycle start up. “It’s no problem. I’ll be there in a few minutes.” And the call ends.
You fix your lipstick and return quickly to your table. The appetizers already there, and he lights up when you come back. “Sorry. There was a line,” you lie.
As you take your seat, he immediately takes one of the appetizers and plops it into his mouth. “That’s fine! When nature calls, it calls, amiright?” He proceeds to laugh at his own joke, so you chuckle dryly as well. “Aren’t you going to eat some? Don’t tell me you’re the type of girl that doesn’t eat anything–”
You take one of the small appetizers before he can make another comment.
There is not much time for you to talk about yourself as the man controls the conversation with detailed accounts of his accomplishments. You might have fallen asleep had he not suddenly stopped talking. Snapping out of your trance, you turn around and see Gavin towering over you.
“Can we help you?”
Gavin gives you a look. “Ma’am, I’m here to take you to protective custody. We think that he is targeting this restaurant and might strike. There is a car waiting outside.” His voice is low and smooth – completely convincing to anyone who doesn’t know him,
Your ‘date’ goes pale and starts trembling. “What is the meaning of this?!”
“If I tell you more than you’ve already heard, you might become a target as well. Ma’am, we have to leave now.” Gavin takes your purse and holds out his hand.
“Wait, shouldn’t I come with you?!”
“No, you are safe as long as the two of you are never seen again.”
You stand up and take Gavin’s hand. Not waiting to say goodbye, you lead Gavin out of the restaurant and call an elevator. He takes a step forward and stands very close to you. So close, in fact, that you can smell his aftershave and the faint scent of perspiration lingering on his skin. Gavin had probably dropped his work to come here as fast as possible.
“W-What are you doing?”
“He’s still watching to make sure the story is real. I’m being your bodyguard.”
Your heart starts to beat frantically at the proximity of his large torso. You never really paid it much attention, but Gavin has a well-defined chest. When the elevator dings, he pushes you inside to keep up the act. Without prying eyes on the two of you anymore, you relax. “Thank you… I would not have survived that.”
Gavin swallows hard and does not meet your gaze. “It’s not a problem. I’ll take you home.”
“Well, the least I can do is thank you with dinner-”
“I just busted you out of a date? Are you so eager to go on another one?”
Blush spreads across your cheeks. “If you don’t want to, you can just say no.”
He exits the elevators the moment the door opens. “I… didn’t say that. Here,” he hands you his helmet. “Put this on.”
You do as you are told and sling a leg over his motorcycle. Gavin revs the engine and kicks the stand up, and the machine lurches forward, and out of the garage. Even with the helmet, you can feel the breeze pushing your hair back. When he accelerates, you lean back slightly. The moment of weightlessness scares you, so you instinctively wrap your arms around Gavin’s waist.
Gavin goes rigid for a second, but then relaxes at your touch. He tips his head back and says something, but his voice is lost in the wind. Instead of taking the turn to your apartment, Gavin keeps going, and the two of you end up on the other side of town.
He turns off of the highway, and, after driving down a few small streets, the two of you wind up at the head of a closed off street – on the other side of the barrier is a festival. Fairy lights string between lamp posts, and you can smell the food from where you are.
After parking, Gavin helps you off. With a hand on the back of his neck, he smiles meekly. “I came by your apartment earlier… to invite you here.”
Your heart wells with guilt, but you shake it off and grab his hand. “Let’s go have fun then!”
You are holding a large stuffed animal Gavin had won for you when you start to fumble around in your purse for the keys to your apartment. Upon opening the door, you turn around and smile brightly at Gavin. “Thank you for saving me and then,” you lift the plush, “for this. I had a wonderful night. Even if it did start raining.”
Gavin runs his hand through his hair. “A little water never hurt anyone.”
You take a step backwards. “Would you… like to come inside?”
He inhales sharply, and then he reaches out to you. In a fluid movement, his arm hooks around your waist, and he ushers you inside. The door slams behind you, your purse and toy drop to the floor, and you sling your arms around his neck as he lifts you from the ground.
His lips are on your neck and jaw, and his tongue rolls over your skin. Your moans echo throughout the dark apartment, and Gavin pushes you against the wall. You cling to the nearby table, and accidentally knock down a lamp. “Oops..” you whisper.
Gavin snickers and catches your jaw to tip your head up. You can hear his heart pounding and the gentle clink of the metal zippers hanging from his jacket. Without saying anything, he kisses you deeply, and his tongue presses against your lips. When you don’t give him access, he bites your bottom lip, making you cry out slightly. The split second that you do, Gavin pushes his tongue into your mouth.
You slip against the wall, and eventually land on the ground again. Gavin is swift to hoist you up again, but this time, he throws you onto your unmade bed. You land on your stomach, but before you have a chance to scramble up, Gavin flips the edge of your skirt up.
He drags his gloved hands over the back of your thighs, right under the elastic of your undergarments. The cool sensation of the leather against your skin makes you go giddy with anticipation. You try to look over your shoulder, but Gavin places one hand on the back of your neck to keep you looking straight. With his other hand, he rubs his fingers over your clothed cunt.
Lowering your head into the blankets, you moan loudly. “Gavin… please–”
His warm breath tickles the shell of your ear, and it sends shivers down your spine. “I didn’t like seeing you there with him. He doesn’t deserve you – you are far too good for him.” As he speaks, his fingers threaten to dip into you at any moment. “But I couldn’t… admit I was jealous.”
“Why not?” you inquire, shifting your hips slightly.
Gavin teeths on your earlobe. “Because, I would be admitting, at the same time, that I can’t stop thinking about you.” Finally, he slips two fingers into you. The leather rubs against your walls, and he almost immediately begins to scissor them apart. “My heart twists in every direction when I see you…”
“I–I feel the same,” you mumble between drawn out moans. Burying your face deeper into the covers, you prop your hips upwards, hoping that he will pleasure you more.
Instead, he removes his fingers, but they are replaced by his tongue – the sudden wet sensation against your folds makes you throw your head back. His name drips from your lips like syrup, and it only fuels him to move his tongue around more. It flicks against your clit, pushing it upwards.
You snap into reality for a moment – your underwear digs into your ass as he holds it away with a finger. Meanwhile, his tongue works wonders on your clit and his free hand inches up the inside of your thigh. Again, they slide into your hole, but this time, he curls them inside of you.
Exposed like this – it does not take you long to unravel for him. Your essence trickles down your legs, but he continues to worship you, claim you, dominate you. Only when your legs start trembling does he reel back.
Overwhelmed by pleasure, you can’t bring yourself to move. Gavin remedies this when he flips you over. Even in the darkness, you can see your liquids shining from his chin. With your gazes locked, Gavin takes the tip of his glove in his mouth, only to remove it only using his teeth.
You groan at this display, knowing that it is purely to arouse you.
After dropping both gloves to the ground, Gavin fumbles with the buckle of his pants. This gives you a moment to remove your dress and undergarments. They fly off into the room, and you turn your head to look at Gavin again. You are about to strip your soaking underwear when he catches your ankle with a strong grip. He raises your leg slowly and pulls off the lace with two fingers.
The moment it falls from his digits, he rubs his cock against your entrance.
Reaching up, you paw at him to coax Gavin to lean down. As he does, he inserts himself into you. You throw your arms around his neck and drag your nails against his muscular back. “G-Gavin!” you cry out. “Ahh… y-you’re…”
He smirks against your lips at your meek works. “I’m… what?”
“You’re stretching me!” The sentence flies from your mouth, and you clasp your hand over your lips after it does. Embarrassment makes you turn a bright shade of red, but Gavin only laughs at it.
Leaning down, he kisses your hands and begins to thrust into you. “Good,” he whispers before standing up straight. As you watch him, Gavin holds your leg up and kisses down your thigh. His bed eyes pierce through you, and moans come tumbling out of your mouth.
“Gavin… I won’t… last much at this ra-ahH!”
The tip of his cock hits the spot that makes you see stars, and the words are lost to moans. His thrusts quickly become sloppier, but you fall over your edge again.
In your dazed state, you feel his warmth fill you. He grunts breathlessly and curls over you when he cums, his nose buried in your hair.
They two of you remain like this for a moment, but then he pulls out, causing his seed to run down your thigh.
“Fuck…” he murmurs. Gavin turns around and pulls a few tissues from the box on your nightstand. He pats it against your leg, successfully collecting any exterior evidence of his release.
You move slowly, sitting up before even thinking about doing anything else. Gavin takes a seat next to you, and you lean against him.
Exhaustion rakes over your body, so you scoot backwards and slip under the covers. Gavin stands up and reaches for his underwear, but you stop him. “Aren’t you going to come here?”
He freezes before turning around.
You make room for him in the bed. “Stay here… until morning,” you add, trying to not sound desperate.
Gavin lies down next to you, and you tangle your legs with his. Resting your hand on his chest, you nuzzle close to him. You don’t know exactly what to say to help him relax, so you stay silent. It is Gavin that speaks up. “I… didn’t expect this…”
You laugh. “Does that mean you regret it?”
“No!” Gavin replies sharply. “Not in the slightest,” he continues with a softer voice. He tucks his nose into your hair and kisses your gently. “I–I–”
Tucking your head into the crook of his neck, you shush him gently. “Shh… I understand. I really like you Gavin.”
If you had your eyes open, you would have seen him blushing. “Go to sleep. Don’t you have a meeting in the morning about the collaboration?”
“Fuck!”
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