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#im not against any of it. friends or dating or anything its just im. perpetually nervous
pansyfemme · 9 months
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i wish i was better at making online friends there are so many ppl that i dont even see on here anymore i thought were sooo cool and then was just too nervous to strike up conversation until it all died down
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recurring-polynya · 3 years
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As we all know, I am Perpetually Rewatching Bleach, and I hit the Reigai Arc a while ago, but I didn’t feel like recapping it, because recaps are a ton of work and I am Tired, but Bleach 333 might be the Bleachiest episode in all of Bleach, so I had to.
In the immortal words of Gideon the Ninth: “Things were happening too much.”
So, this is pretty deep into the arc-- all the lieutenants are in the World of the Living and all the (real) captains are in Soul Society, Nozomi has just unlocked her zanpakutou, and Reigai Zaraki and Byakuya showed up to start shit.
At the end of the last episode, all the lieutenants put their reiatsu in Nozomi’s sword (why does some variation of this happen every filler arc??) and she blew up Zaraki and Byakuya. The episode opens with Renji muttering “Did we get ‘em?” which is really how every episode should open. It looks like they successfully KO’d Zaraki, but Reigai Byakuya survived, and he proceeds to take out all the lieutenants with a single Soren Sokatsui.
This seems bad, but then, the Captain Commander shows up out of nowhere and sets Reigai Byakuya on fire. Yes. Really.
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Ichigo and Rukia get Yamamoto up to date, but the best part of this scene is that Renji is just...lying there in the middle of it, like a sleepy boi.
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All of sudden, more Reigai show up, and there’s a split screen reaction shot, but... it’s just of the unconscious lieutenants. Friends, I literally screamed. They made this episode just for me. We’re also going to start counting SSRS’s, because this episode has... a lot of them.
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I also want to point out the Ichigo, Nozomi and Kon seem to be entirely uninjured; Rukia, Chad and Uryuu are able to get themselves up, Renji is Hanging In There, and all the other lieutenants are toast. I am pretty sure this Says Something About the Lieutenant Class.
Oh God, there is so much Peak Renij Dialogue in this episode.
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At this point, Renji attempts to sit up, and falls down again.Good hustle, buddy, you tried.
Somewhere around here, my husband got up to let the dog out and he said, “pause it if anything good happens.” I had to pause it almost immediately because Reigai Ukitake and Kyouraku showed up and then this happened:
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There’s like 4 minutes straight of releasing, literally everything is on fire, and after being told to stay back like 5 times, Nozomi jumps into battle and we get split screen reaction shot #2.
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Nozomi attacks Kyouraku and Ichigo goes after Ukitake. Yamamoto literally grumbles “Those darn kids...” and then Unohana comes out of nowhere and casts four different binding in a row on Yamamoto while an electric bass guitar plays. I say this all the time, but this is exactly how I would fight if I were a shinigami fighting another shinigami: just bind the fuck out of them and then attack them while they’re down. This scene was incredibly gratifying to me, Unohana is the GOAT.
How’s Renji doing?
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Keep working at it, you’re doing great, pal.
The true purpose of filler arcs is more fights for characters that we didn’t get to see fight enough, and this episode delivers with some excellent Kyouraku and Ukitake throw-downs. Whoops, here’s reaction shot #3:
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Because his spiritual energy has been on its last legs this whole arc, Ichigo is supposed to use his powers very carefully, for example, not going to bankai or using Getsugas, except when he can’t think of anything else, which is constantly. #4.
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Did I mention that Fake Ukitake and Fake Kyouraku are Very Real Husbands this episode? Because they are.
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We cut back to Rukia and Renji (still prone) and Kon. Kon is Big Sad because he can’t help. I have no love for Kon, but I respect this great compliment he lays on Rukia after she punches him.
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Rukia and Renji decide they gotta go help and-- and Renji is UP! The man is up!
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Except that Yamamoto abruptly busts out of his wards and Rukia has to breathlessly gasp “What is this reiatsu?” as per her contract.
SHIT FAM the real Unohana is here and she’s got Dramatic Singers! Fake Unohana is literally about to pee herself and so would you if you say this coming for you:
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Wards still be exploding, Obligatory Renji Protects Rukia (and Kon) Shot!
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Split Screen Reaction Shot #5: Karakura Kids Edition
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Then, um this happened.
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AHEM.
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This was my favorite SSRS in the episode because it was kinda high concept. Rukia starts talking in the left panel, but you can still see her arm moving the middle panel. Didn’t they do this in Pacific Rim, with the heads-up displays? Or maybe that was Voltron. I don’t care, I love this shit.
Anyway, when Renji picks up the dialogue, BAM, he takes over the middle.
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The fireball has done nothing to the Reigai, so we get a walking-thru-flames drama shot that ends with... yet another SSRS.
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They start to attack Yamamoto who is 1000% ready to throw down, but then Kageroza shows up and declares that he will be taking on the old man himself.
Ichigo gets real concerned that Kageroza will use Yamamoto’s power against him (Yamamoto is like, ‘whatever’). Nozomi volunteers to act like a decoy, and Kageroza does his villainous laugh, “you’ll never steal my spiritual pressure-- NANI??”  It turns out Nozomi already charged her sword up with the Head Captain’s spiritual pressure when Kageroza...was...checking his phone? I do not know how me missed this sneaky, sneaky maneuver:
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I guess he didn’t see anything because they were behind Ichigo’s back. Sure. Fine. Whatever.
Anyway, it’s not enough, so Yamamoto attacks. That’s not enough, so Ichigo unleashes his final Getsuga (not, like, the Final Getsuga, just like, the last one he has. Very confusing naming scheme here.)
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Does this count as another SSRS? It doesn’t do the BAM/BAM/BAM, so maybe Rukia/Renji/Kon have been in split screen mode this entire time, and it’s just a revisit. Whatever, I’m gonna count it. We’re up to 8.
Ichigo is now spent. He mumbles “Did I get ‘im?” and then falls out of the sky.
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“I NEED RENJI TO CATCH HIM,” I scream, while my husband winces and pinches the bridge of his nose. “GET UP, RENJI!” I yell. “YOU CAN DO IT.”
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He’s thinkin’ about it!
Oh, no, Ichigo, did not, in fact, “get ‘im.” Kageroza appears to have survived, which I guess justifies a SSRS #9.
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Look at Renji’s face. He’s ready. He’s goin’.
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And he’s off!!!! I LOVE THIS MAN.
UGH, we have to sit through Kageroza explaining how he survived the attack by absorbing Nozomi’s attack and Ichigo’s Getsuga who cares who cares who cares, get to the good stuff--
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yaaaasssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Kageroza is powering up his attack, we’re gonna get the “To Be Continued..” any second, but NO there is STILL TIME FOR ONE MORE!
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Ten. TEN. This episode is only 22 minutes long and they managed to fit in 10 split screen reaction shots. I suspect this may be the record.
This entire episode was just split screen reactions shots, people powering up, shots of my OTP, and Renji catching Ichigo and then cradling him lovingly. Perfect episode. 1000/10.
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I Have Too Many Opinions. ep. 1
lmao. i got encouragement to post my opinions on fandom things and now i want to make a miniseries doing just that. so here i am. doing just that.
im putting it under the cut cuz this was 4 whole pages including the disclaimer. yes i put a disclaimer and i explain why.
Anyways, here is the first piece in what inevitably will become fandom info dump, this time on thomas astruc’s writing on miraculous ladybug. but only some of my opinions cuz we would be here all day otherwise.
So… a disclaimer before I begin… 
I do not hate Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir (yes i'm using their government name). I am quite a fan of the show actually despite its faults. I am also older than the intended audience but was obviously younger when the show first aired which is how my interest was piqued (the fact that its been 6 years and only 3 seasons says more about the show than me being a fan for that amount of time but also i never want to rush content creators cuz they're doing their best) and due to my age, there will be inherent bias in my approach of what i'm about to say as there is in EVERY opinion. The fact that it is an opinion should imply the presence of bias but most people tend to lack the critical thinking skills required to draw that conclusion ANYWAYS…
If I did hate the show I would not have this blog nor would I be even writing this because i tend to not give more than 2 seconds of thought to things i actively dislike (some of yall should give this a try) and i'm allowed to like things that are designed for an audience that i was originally a part of but grew out of. (I don't suddenly stop liking things because I'm older despite what many younger fans seem to believe about older audiences. I also don't need to be ‘allowed’ to do anything cuz i wasn't asking for permission anyways.)
This will not be character bashing, astruc bashing nor fandom bashing cuz, again, that would imply i hate any of those elements and if i did, i would not dedicate brainpower to them. Analyses and criticisms of media are fun and engaging and required if you wish to produce good enjoyable content. Now most of this should be already assumed and self-explanatory but people on the internet like to play morality roulette roll dice on purity culture and I rather have documentation that I am in fact not bullying fictional 14 year olds or a grown man. But alas, people get trigger happy whenever someone has less than 1000000% positive opinions on something they like and will throw out words they can't define (gaslight, baiting, toxic, problematic, gatekeep etc) in an attempt to defend their blind devotion, 
which is not needed, if you like something you never have to defend it, even if i don't like it. If you respond to anything I post saying you disagree with me, I will not argue with you. I won't debate back and forth and try to convince you that the things you like are wrong. Unless you are being absolutely tone deaf to what i'm saying, you wont get a negative reaction from me. So don't try to fish for a fight. Please. I got metaphorical hands for days and I'm mean, you don't want me hurting your feelings on the internet. Do yourself the favour. Difference of opinion is how we get diversification in media and is inherently a good thing. Now that that's out of the way, please don't ever let me have to say that again. I beg.
Now onto the fun stuff
I didn't know what I wanted as a first topic so my trusty internet friend @moonlitceleste suggested astruc’s writing… 
AND BOI do i got some opinions on ole tommy boi. Again I don't hate the dude. In fact, he has worked on a few shows that had defined my childhood, including but not limited to W.I.T.C.H. (all eps available on youtube for those interested, 2 seasons, general fun time all around).
So I don't think he’s scum of the earth but I do think his approach to writing mlb specifically has more misses than hits.
The first big miss is that he has no idea how to write 14 year old girls. At all. Almost every girl he has ever written feels like some terrible archetype built entirely for marketability and childish projection and pubescent self-insert (kind of). He has never been a 14 year old girl. I have. In fact when the show first aired, I WAS around the (assumed) age of the mlb characters. The behaviour he passes off as quirky or awkward or just the character’s genuine personality tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes of teen girls found in the media and are never actually addressed as harmful. they just get swept under the rug. Marinette’s exuberant collage of teen heart throb model boi Adrien Agreste and her very painful almost fan worship she has of him (which flip flops like a paper sandal in the rain) being portrayed as a cute school girl crush uwu, Chloe being the y7 Regina George, Alya being the token best friend of colour with her ‘sassy’ personality (i want y'all to imagine me eyerolling so hard i bust a vessel in my eye), Kagami being the very damaging Perfect Asian Child stereotype. And before y'all get on your dusty soap box and defend going on about “BUT IT'S FOR CHILDREN”,,,, know this.
 i don’t give a solid fuck. 
Not one. 
Children arent stupid. Children are always going to remember the richy bitchy blonde who bullies the art kid, and the big kid, and the shy kid, and the non white kids, and was only nice to her equally rich white friend who she probably had a crush on or was only ever civil to her equally white lapdog. They're going to remember the half asian girl who was never allowed to actually be asian or the only black girl who existed solely as a soundboard for enabling bad habits or chastising the main character for the same habits she enables in the first place (boi aint THAT a topic for later). Like do i really need to explain that alya chastising marinette for taking max’s spot in gamer just to play with adrien rings absolutely hollow when she actively encourages her to sabotage the contest she’s in just so Kagami doesn't win?? Like I don't have to explain that right?? Again kids arent stupid and its quite something that Mari gets chastised for proving herself the best video game player regardless of her intentions just cuz it comes at the expense of max’s feelings/ego but is actively encouraged to sabotage not only kagami but herself by extension cuz kagami is ‘competition.’ Adrien is not a trophy to be won. And no I don't expect 14 yrs old to be perfect and to always make good decisions but these decisions are never addressed as being bad decisions. they get swept under the rug cuz those decisions were necessary for the ‘plot’ but astruc can barely keep characterization consistent and his characters suffer for it and it's the same children you preach are watching it that suffer as well. Cuz guess what? I KNOW 14 yr olds aren't like that cuz i've been there done that (this is the last time i'm saying that i promise) so I know astruc is just metaphorically throwing darts to figure out who says and does what without consideration for pre established personalities to drive the stalemate plot along. The same kids you say are watching this don't know that that's not how preteens work and will absorb and internalize those dynamics like baking soda and vinegar. Cata-fucking-strophically. 
And I haven't even gotten to the boys yet. Which honestly doesn't require much explanation anyways cuz they suffer the same fate as the girls. Tired archetypes with nothing to give them life. Nino falls into Adrien’s person of colour token best friend who dates the female lead’s person of colour token best friend so they can have cute double dates uwu. Except the plot goes nowhere and we have no inclination of romantic development beyond moments that only act to actively convince me to anti ship the lovesquare (i don't want to do that so i self indulge in fanon that actually cares about the characters and plot. may i interest you in True Sight on AO3?). Max is the residential nerd but it doesn't matter (cuz he and everyone are dumbed down for the sake of ‘plot’), kim is the sports jock (which interestingly subverts the asian comedic relief stereotype but only barely) and luka is cute older guy ™ that wears black nail polish and is in a band. The point of all this is to say there is no depth in the characters. It's especially blatantly obvious with the characters astruc doesn't like (chloe). Again, it being a show for kids is not an excuse to be absolved of putting effort into the characters you make.
This is one of the biggest misses astruc has. I haven't even gone into all the nuances of this particular miss. And i havent gone into how that works against him in the plot either. Mostly because the plot itself hasn't gone anywhere and partially because I wanted to go into the plot (or lack thereof) separately as its own miss. 
AND BOI is it a miss. 
SO home boy astruc wanted to reap the benefits of a serial show with ‘engaging’ plot without putting in any of the work to make a linear storyline and relying on the episodic format for, again, marketability. You can't have the best of both worlds, you are not Avatar: The Last Airbender. Which btw has a lot less episodes and a desired end goal that didn't involve top dollar. Legend of Korra did but that's not the point and it had its failings with that too. I challenge you, tell me how many episodes actually contribute towards a plot point or introduce new thematic elements to the show? Can you name them? I can and I'm going to include the plot points that moved the story in some direction if only temporarily. Yes only temporarily for some of these and i will explain later. (if you're in the server you already saw this list *wink*)
25/26. Origins- self explanatory, the beginning of the story, 
24. Volpina- introduction of the grimoire and Master Fu (kind of) and no, Lila is not a plot point,
28. The Collector- proper introduction of Master Fu,
37. Sapotis- introduction of Rena Rouge,
41. Syren- introduction of new aquatic power ups,
44. Anansi- introduction of Carapace,
47. Frozer- introduction of new ice power ups,
48/49. Style Queen- introduction of Queen Bee,
51/52. Heroes’ Day- introduction of Mayura and mass akumatization,
66. Startrain- introduction of Pegasus,
67. Kwami Buster- Marinette wears multiple miraculouses,
68. Feast- backstory as to how the miraculouses were lost,
69. Ikari Gozen- introduction of Ryuko,
70. Timetagger- introduction of Bunnyx,
71. Party Crasher- introduction of Roi Singe and Viperion,
73. Chat Blanc- alternate timeline that essentially means nothing but got a reaction out of fans anyways (myself included)
 77/78. Love Eater/Battle of Miraculous- Marinette becomes guardian and other heroes lose their miraculous,
New York Special- other heroes exist and there is an American miraculous box,
That's 21 episodes. 21 out of a heaping 78 plus 2 specials. Everything else was just your typical akuma of the day episode and everything that happened outside that had no lasting consequences on the plot thanks to the miraculous status quo. Was it entertaining to watch Lila stir the plot of the class dynamic? Hell yeah. Too bad it meant nothing by the end of the episode cuz we were struck with miraculous status quo. She literally doesn't appear again until Heroes Day. that is from episodes 25 all the way to 51, she means nothing and yet she is treated with the severity of a b-villain/rival thing. She means nothing by the end of Volpina if I'm being honest. She is only relevant for 20 mins of episode time she’s in then it's back to magic status quo that undoes any shift in dynamics and relationships. It's like Spongebob who can't get his driver’s license. The worst part is I actually like Lila and I wish the story treated her with the seriousness we as an audience are expected to treat her with. Despite being painfully inconsequential by the end of each of the 3?? 4?? episodes she’s in, it's entertaining to watch a character create drama just because. 
Too bad it means nothing.
Astruc is constantly building up suspense to something ‘important’ only for it to not deliver and fans are constantly having the rug pulled out from under us. Oblivio teased us with a reveal only that gets undone cuz memory akuma. Chat Blanc teased us with romantic development but that gets undone cuz time travel bullshit. Feast introduced more miraculous lore and the history of the guardians but that means nothing by the next episode or ever (i'm not including any reference to the season 4 trailer cuz i've been around the block a few times and im familiar with this lil dancy dance). Heroes Day teased us with a possible future team of heroes but that gets undone in Battle of Miraculous cuz ????? why?? (here's why; astruc was having a jolly ole time letting us know how irredeemable Chloe is at the expense of shooting his own stagnant plot in the foot. Again, discussion for later.)
Too bad anything that slightly swerves off course from the akuma of the day gets undone or ignored. Too bad nothing has any lasting consequence. I mean, if anything did, the episodes would have had a consistent order and release schedule so im not scrambling to watch the leaked ep in Portuguese or something while the french dub is two episodes behind while the english version hasnt even been dubbed. I really wonder how he plans to conclude the show when he’s so afraid to step out of the corner he painted himself in.
Again, not going into nuances. If you want you can ask for more specifics (i doubt anyone would) but this is really just a slightly detailed general overview of my opinions on astruc’s writing. 
I was going to include another miss in his approach to this show but imma save that for another time. 
How’s that for a ‘first’ post?
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Saving Grace - Part 9
Steve leaves you and your son to go back to Peggy unaware your pregnant.
Your heartbroken and struggling without Steve until Bucky Barnes steps up to help you out. With you and Bucky growing closer everyday will he be your saving Grace?
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I was sat on the sofa nursing Grace when the front door swung open and a laughing Harrison came running in.
"You better run pal I'm gonna win!" I heard Bucky chuckle.
"No way!! I faster!!"
I turned just in time to see Harrison throw himself in the armchair declaring himself the winner while Bucky was carrying various bags of groceries in.
"Hey doll" Bucky smiled over at me with a wink before heading into the kitchen.
"Uncle Buck i win!" Harrison yelled happily.
"Yeah you did Buddy, good job" Bucky called back sounding amused.
"Wow your so good bud" i smiled at my biggest baby, he just laughed and run into the kitchen.
"Okayyyy" i mumbled as i straightened up my shirt and moved Grace so i could wind her. Harrison came running back seconds later with a pink t-rex stuffed teddy in his arms.
"This is for Gracie" he said holding it out.
"It is? Oh my god! She loves it baby"
"I picked it out"
"He really did, i couldn't say no" Bucky chuckled walking over and giving me a kiss.
"Its very sweet babe, but where's my gift?"
"Im your gift" Bucky wiggled his eyebrows at me making me laugh.
"Your such a dork"
"I know but you love this dork" he shrugged with the cockiest grin spread on his face.
"Oh i regret it...." i shook my head teasing him "here take your daughter i need to pee so bad" i said getting up and passing Grace to him before quickly darting to the bathroom.
Coming back into the living room a few minutes later i smiled seeing Bucky cuddled up with both kids who were fast asleep.
"Wow that didnt take long" i chuckled sitting in the armchair "your like the baby whisperer"
"I took Harrison to the playground on the way home, think he wore himself out and lil miss is in a milk coma!" He laughed looking down at Grace who was sleeping with a smile on her face.
"Hey, so i was thinking of asking Wanda to come watch the kids the weekend" i said suddenly feeling really nervous as i played with a loose thread on one of the scatter cushions.
"You mean...."
"Yeah if you want...."
"Of course i want!" Bucky nodded quickly making me chuckle.
"Good! Thats good, i thought maybe we could go up to my dads cabin and get Wanda to stay here with the kids. I dont really want them at the compound incase Steve shows up"
"Sounds good to me doll, but just so you know Sam said Steve hasn't been around for weeks. He seems to have realised how bad he messed up"
"Even so, it will make me feel better about being away from them if i know their here"
"Okay I'm sure Wanda wont mind being here, she practically lives here lately anyway" he rolled his eyes.
"Shes just trying to help" i said sticking up for my friend "and its a godsend to have her around while your working"
"I know I'm just teasing" he grinned "its fine doll".
After 20 minutes or so of sitting watching TV with Bucky i felt restless and got up to head to the kitchen to make some tea.
"You okay?" Bucky asked instantly.
"Yeah just making some tea"
"Okay, its just you've been a bit quiet"
"Didn't want to wake the kids" i shrugged and carried on to the kitchen. While waiting for the kettle to boil i suddenly found myself standing there silently crying. Since having Grace id occasionally burst into tears for no reason, now would apparently be one of those times!! damn hormones!!
After grabbing a tissue and wiping away any evidence that id been crying, i splashed some cold water on my face and continued making the tea (a coffee for Bucky) and headed back to the living room.
He was sitting alone on the sofa when i walked in and looked at me with a smile.
"Where are the kids?"
"I put them to bed, baby monitor is on the table" he pointed to the split screen monitor in front of him "i need some time with my girl now, come here mama" he smiled holding out a hand towards me. I couldn't help but smile as i put the mugs down on the table and took his hand. Bucky tugged me towards him and pulled me down onto the sofa to lay with him, his front pressed to my back.
"Feel better?" He mumbled against my ear as his hand caressed my hip slightly.
"Im fine Buck..."
"I heard you crying doll"
"Its just hormones, i didn't even realise i was crying at first"
"If something was wrong you'd tell me right?"
"Of course i would" i told him truthfully reaching back to kiss him "i may fall asleep in a minute I'm exhausted"
"No problem, you should get some sleep while the kids are sleeping...."
"Okay, just stay with me"
"Always".
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The next day i headed to the compound to talk to Wanda about having the kids while Bucky and i went up to the cabin. I had checked Steve wasn't around before going over, i wasn't in the mood to deal with that today. I had Grace with me but Bucky had taken Harrison to the zoo for the afternoon, since Grace arrived we had made an effort to spend time with Harrison on his own so he didn't feel neglected and end up hating his baby sister!
"So what brings you by here? Its been a while since you stopped by" Wanda asked rocking Grace in her arms.
"I came by to ask if you were free to watch the kids this weekend...."
"Oooh you finally got the all clear for physical activities huh?" She teased wiggling her eyebrows at me.
"I did! And stop that!" I laughed "i think we've been very patient!"
"Oh you have i know!! Of course i'll look after them" Wanda agreed straight away smiling like an idiot "its what aunties are for anyway"
"Thanks Wan, could you come to us though? I dont want them here incase he shows up"
"Yeah thats fine, makes sense anyway. Everything i'll need is at your place"
"Thats great, i'll get the guest room set up for you".
I had been at the compound for a couple hours now and thought it best to head home and start on dinner. Bucky and Harrison would be back from their day trip soon. I was just about to get up and get Grace settled in her pushchair when i heard Wanda speak up.
"What are you doing here?!"
I snapped my head round and there stood Steve Rogers in jeans and grey henley, his beard had grown back in and his hair looked a little longer..... just how he had looked when we first started dating!
"I...i was looking for Sam, we're meant to be going for a run" he replied holding up his duffle bag.
"Well can you go wait somewhere else?"
"Its fine Wanda I'm leaving now anyway" i gave her a tight lipped smile and finished getting Grace in her pushchair.
"Y/N..... could we talk for a minute? Please?" I heard him ask.
"I've got to get home Steve, Harrison and Bucky will be back soon?"
"please? just a few minutes?"
"Steve, she said no!" Wanda snapped at him, they had always been close and it was horrible to see the distance between them now.
"Okay...." he said sadly turning to leave.
"5 minutes" i suddenly said shaking my head at how stupid i was agreeing to this.
"5 minutes is good, thank you".
"I'll stay close by, yell if you need me" Wanda said quietly to me as she left, we both knew Steve heard every word though!
Steve walked over and sat in the chair next to me, he leaned closer to the pushchair to look in at Grace and smiled.
"She's beautiful Y/N"
"Thanks. So what did you want to talk about? Like i said i need to get home"
"Right" he nodded "Bucky and Harrison been anywhere nice?"
"Bucky took him to the Zoo for the afternoon"
"Man i miss trips to the zoo, Harry always loved seeing the lions" he smiled at the memory.
"His favourites are the wolves now"
"The wolves huh?"
"Yep ever since Shuri and T'Challa visited and called Buck 'white wolf' his been obsessed with them" i shrugged.
"Thats cute" Steve nodded sadly before looking up at me "im sorry. Im sorry for everything..... i should never had left"
"No you shouldn't have, but you did. You can't change that Steve"
"I know. I dont know what i was i thinking sweetheart"
"Lets not not do this again. It wont change anything.... you chose another woman over your fiancé and your son! All those years i gave you and you chose a woman you spent 5 minutes with a 100 years ago!!" I took a deep breath trying my best to stay calm and not shout at him, i didn't want to wake Grace "i loved you so much and you threw it in my face. You didn't even have the balls to say goodbye"
"I know" he admitted avoiding eye contact and we sat silently.
"If you could go back to that day, the day you left us..... would you still do it?" I asked breaking the silence.
"I dont know.... i had a beautiful life with Peggy, but i missed you and Harrison so much. There was no way to get back to you, the machine hadn't been invented yet so i had no choice but to embrace my life with Peggy"
"You know what? Im glad you went" i suddenly told him shrugging my shoulders "if you had of stayed here Bucky and I wouldn't be together" i saw Steve grit his teeth hearing me mention his best friend "and i can't imagine my life without him, i love him more than any man I've loved before. I thought what you and i had was the real deal, my big love..... but i was so wrong. Bucky is it for me Steve, so i guess i should be thanking you for leaving"
"Theres no second chance for us is there?"
"No. Maybe down the line somewhere we can try to be friends but it'll never be what it was" I got up getting ready to leave when he cleared his throat and wiped away a few tears that had escaped.
"What about Harrison?.... can i spend some time with him? I know i dont deserve it but I've missed him so much"
"Thats up to Harrison. I cant make him spend time with you Steve, but if he wants to.... its something we can discuss. Look i really need to get home, bye Steve".
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Saving grace tags:
@jennmurawski13 @kenzieam @captainchrisstan
@s-t-r-i-k-e-us @lets--be-honest
@ms-betsy-fangirl @damnaged-princess
@farfromtommy @disneylovingal @lbuck121
@billweasleey @rynabarnesrogers
@heathens-takeitsl0w @lacontroller1991
@supervengerslock @barnesandrogersworld
@mariswritingforfun @perpetually-tuned-out
@thummbelina @marvelousstyles
@broco8 @ineffableg-irl
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thequeenofadream · 5 years
Text
You (Roger Taylor x Reader)
Summary: You by Dodie Clark, but with a twist ;)
Words: 3676
Notes: TW: MENTIONS OF ALCOHOL DRINKING AND ALMOST GETTING HIT. angsty at first, but gets pretty fluffy uwu haha + swearing + lyrics are italicized 
A/N:  this is for @queens-n-roses 2k writing challenge anddd reading all the other entries got me thinking well shit so here i am in all my shittiness ha ha ha anyways this is also my first time doing a song thing so tell me what you guys think! also also this is late bc im on my last weeks of school so sorry but expect more fics during summer!! (march-june for all ur western people) sdfdjks u know what im gonna leave a seperate post for the a/n fic bc yall i have kwento bye love you all <3
☀ tagging: @obsessedwithrogertaylor @malekdarling @i-padfootblack-things
~~~~~~~~~
I told you I was looking for some empathy
Well, you fooled me
You slammed the door of the apartment you and Roger shared. You had just broken up with you boyfriend, Zach, as he was a misogynistic prick. He had insisted that you move out of your apartment with Rog and move in with him.
You had repeatedly told him no, especially since moving was expensive for college student. You had also only been dating for a month, and the whole thing seemed too fast. In response, he called you a ‘whore’ and ‘cheating bitch’, but the thing that took the cake was when he had punched a hole in his wall, which missed you by a mere inch.
You told him that you never wanted to see his face again, and got out of there, leaving him in a shocked state.You ran straight home, never looking back, tears running down your face. You couldn’t believe you didn’t see his nasty attitude before, but you were glad you got out of it before anything escalated.
Roger was sitting on the couch reading a car magazine, when the sharp noise caused his to dart up seeing you in disarray. You marched right over to your room and closed the door, leaving Rog completely clueless to whatever had happened. He followed you quietly, wanting to comfort you, but the door was locked shut.
He put his ear against the door, trying to make out anything from your sobs, but all he could hear was your crying. He’d seen you cry before, but not to the point that didn't even talk to him. It concerned him a lot, but instead of getting the spare key, he decided to give you some space for now. He told himself he’d make it up in the morning.
You were glad you had stashed a bottle of vodka in the dark corners of your cabinet. You were a shaky mess while the bottle sat in your hand. You placed the bottle between your lips, feeling the taste of alcohol rush into your mouth. It left a burning sensation as it made its way down to your stomach.
You didn’t know what you were feeling right now, but it definitely helped you take your mind off what had just happened.
You fell asleep on the floor with your back against your bed. Your mind wandered between fear, anger and sadness during your last moments of consciousness.
The next morning, you woke up with a pounding headache. The soft pillow on underneath your head, made you feel the slightest bit better. Wait. You realised you were up on your bed, tucked in your comfy duvy. The light peered through your windows making your head throb at the brightness.
You looked away to darker parts of your room, seeing some pain relievers and a glass of water sitting on your night stand which only perpetuated your confusion. Nonetheless, you took them both, making you feel just a bit better. You were about to get up when your door swung open, hitting the wall.
“Whoops I’m sorry.”
You saw Roger holding a tray of pancakes. The stack of pancakes was adorned by powdered sugar and a trickling waterfall of maple syrup. It was such a heavenly sight, you had to restrain yourself from lunging at the sight of it. You couldn’t believe that Roger had made it for you. You couldn't believe Roger was responsible for it. He sat on your side of the bed placing the pancakes down.
When he had gotten a good look at you, he saw how distraught you were. You eyes were sore and puffy; Your hair was disheveled mess, sticking out in all directions. It was a good thing he left the pain relievers for you.
“What’s the occasion?” You practically drooling over the pancakes as Roger set them down.
“You seemed sad last night, so I head to the local diner and got some takeaway pancakes.”
“I knew you couldn’t have made them! and if you did, i guess that i’d have a big mess to clean.”
You both laughed. He’d been your best friend for five years now, and you both knew each other like the back of your hand. He handed you a fork as you wasted no time taking a bite out of them. It was a divine breakfast to say the least. You were devouring every piece as if it was your first meal in a hundred years. Roger could only sit back and watch, amused by how much happiness these pancakes. Little did he know it wasn’t necessarily the pancakes that made you happy.
“So were the pain relievers from you as well?” You asked, finishing up the last bit of pancakes. You laid your back against the headboard, the paper plate and plastic fork in hand.
“Yup, it scared me how much vodka you had drunk.” There was pity in his eyes as he said it. He saw how much was left in the bottle you held while you slept and it petrified him. For a second he thought you had died, but his worries were quickly washed away when he felt a pulse.
“Well yeah, you’ll have to remind me in the coming days.”
You trailed off, remembering your sorrow and pain from last night. You set down the now empty plate and fork onto the trail and took the glass of water from the night stand. Roger frowned seeing you still weren’t over what ever had happen. He thought that he might get punched for asking the question, but it was inevitable.
“So, what happened?”
You continued drinking your water, not really wanting to answer. You wanted to put it off for as long as possible, but Rog was persistent.
“You know you’ll have to talk about it sooner or later. It’s not healthy to keep it in, especially since you almost killed yourself over it.”
You stopped drinking and took a deep sigh. He was right.
“Zach and I broke up. He-” Your breath hitched and tears threatened to flood down your cheek.
Roger reddened, at the mention of Zach’s name. He always thought he condescending asshole. He’d always try to play nice around him just so you could be happy, but there were times when he couldn’t. He’d tell you that he was a dick or a pisshat. You’d always tell him to give Zach a chance, but deep down inside you agreed with every little statement.
“What’d the bloody wanker do?”
The anger in his eyes was terrifying. They were like lightning bolts that were about to strike at any moment, any where.
“He almost punched me, but he missed. He left a hole in the wall instead.”
You spoke softly as a tear rolled down your left cheek. You would have shrugged it off convincing Roger it wasn’t a big deal, but you couldn’t lie. You were horror-struck.
Meanwhile, Roger would have gone into complete hysterics if he wasn’t sitting on your bed at the moment. He tried to compose himself, but he couldn’t. He was ready to throw tables. He was ready to smack the Zach into the bloody ocean. He tensed up everywhere and you noticed his arms’ veins were completely evident. His gaze went dark as he angrily grit through his teeth.
“I’ll kill him.”
You put a hand on his arm, trying your best to get him to calm down. You stroke his arm gently, as he directed his attention back to you.
“Rog, I’m fine, no scars, no cuts. I’m just scared he might come looking for me.”
“I promise I won’t let that happen. I’ll always be there for you.”
He gave you a badly needed hugged, as he realised you needed to be comforted first and foremost. Despite the tight hug, it felt kind and tender. You sank into the hug as it was the first time someone had touched you with such affection and care. You truly felt loved.
Just a touch and a thought and I was gone
It had been days since the incident and you were relatively fine. You hadn’t seen Zach anywhere and you were starting to get back on your feet. Roger had really helped you get back to your normal self. He’d always speak out about his desire to “beat the shit and bullocks out the bloody cunt”, but you’d assure him, you didn’t even want to hear about him anymore.
Tonight was your first night out since, and Roger was accompanying you to be your wingman of sorts. He had thoroughly convinced you to get out and mingle and you had finally gave in. He had also invited Fred, Brian and John, but they all had turned it down last minute; something about them all going to the same meeting. It was a very bullshit excuse, but you and Rog didn’t really mind. It was high time the two of you had some best friend bonding anyways.
You were looking through dresses in your wardrobe, when you had finally found the perfect one. You went with a sparkly tube that ended mid-thigh; You thought it would do nicely with the white pair of boots you had bought the other day. You looked in the mirror, checking yourself out for a moment before you heard a voice from your bedroom doorway.
“I’d check myself out too if I were you.”
You looked back to see the blonde drummer himself, leaning against the door frame. A blush spread throughout your cheeks at his flirtatious comment; his flirtatious comments were quite regular, but you couldn’t help but blush.
Ever since he comforted you, you couldn’t help but feel more amorous around him. You’ve tried to brush it off, but your little crush on your best friend was growing stronger and stronger by the minute.
“Uh yeah well we should get going, before it gets too crowded.”
You hid your face behind your purse as you walked past him. He looked at you in confusion, wondering why you’d become so embarrassed all of a sudden, because you usually had some witty remark ready, but he followed nonetheless.
The walk to bar was relatively normal; you both talked about your day at university. You couldn’t help but stare intently into his eyes during conversation. You mentally scolded yourself for looking at him so love-struck.
By the time you had gotten to the bar, the chaotic atmosphere was in full swing. The pungent aroma of alcohol filled the air as you both stepped in. You both looked at each other knowing exactly what to do. He headed to bar to get some drinks while you searched for a booth. You pushed past the crowd to find a small booth by the corner of the bar. You slipped and looked around, really taking in the scene.
You toyed with the hem of the dress you wore, not really knowing what else to do. You came here feeling pretty confident, but now you really just wished you were home alone with Rog, playing scrabble. You came to impress the masses, but you were having second thoughts. You realised that the only reason you agreed to this whole night out thing was to impress Roger.
It seemed to always be about him.
You pressed your head against the table, realising just how strong you’d fallen in love with him. It was pathetic to say the least. You had fallen in love with a rising drummer who is known to steal the hearts of many. How could one compete?
You had barely spent five minutes in the pub, but you knew it wasn’t going to be a fun night. You decided you were gonna tell him this whole thing was too much for you and you were going to head home. You stood up from your booth and went to the bar.
When you got there, you found several girls fawning over him; You felt that he was the Queen Helen at times, just like Helen, his handsome face could start bloody wars.
You hoped that maybe he would accompany you home and you could hang out, but it was obvious he going home with someone who definitely wasn’t you. You squeezed through the crowd of females, before Roger noticed you and called out your name.
“(Y/N)! Sorry, I got a bit carried away.” He gestured towards the girls who cornered him into the tight spot.
“It’s fine. I’m just gonna head home, I remembered as assignment or two due tomorrow.” You lied, not really looking at him.
He was too drunk to hear you over the loud music, but he nodded thinking you said that you were going to head home with someone. There was a ping of jealousy that shot through his veins, but he ignored it. This was your night, he wasn’t going to stop you from having any fun.
You were a bit scared to leave all alone, but you quickly pushed those those thoughts away as you walked towards the exit. As you left the pub, rain started pouring. You rolled your eyes, sarcastically thanking the world for such great luck. You ran home as fast as you could but by the time you got home, you were soaking wet and too tired to do anything. You just changed into dry clothes and fell asleep on the couch whilst watching an episode of coronation street.
Why do all the red flags
Just look like so much fun, oh
I have a habit of searching for the damage
To share my love
You were out with your friend, Maria, having a chatting over some tea at cafe near the University. You were talking about random things that came to mind, until she brought up your love life.
“So, I heard you finally broke up with that awful douchebag, Zach.” She raised an eyebrow, hoping it was very much true. You just nodded in response, not really wanting to talk about it.
“Well, have you been out since?”
“Nope, but I did go to the pub with Rog the other night. I left early, but he went home with someone else.”
Your eyes lit up when you Roger’s name, but it quickly faded when you remembered he didn’t go home with you. Someone else ended up in his arms that night. Maria noticed this very clearly and did not hesitate to bring it up.
“Do you fancy Roger?”
She asked simply, taking a sip of her tea. You blushed, not really knowing how to respond. You hadn’t told anyone about your sudden intrigue towards him, so your mind was trying to find a response, before your friend answered the question herself.
“Oh my god, you have! You’re absolutely flustered.” She pointed at your cheeks that were as red as ever. She laughed at how embarrassed you were over it.
“Can you shut up! Nobody knows.” You scolded her, swatting her hands away. You drank some of your tea, to hide the increasing temperature of your cheeks as Maria calmed down.
“As much as I love your little friendship, that’s a really bad idea.” She said seriously. You put your cup down, listening to what she had to say.
“I mean no offense, but Roger’s well Roger. Literally everyone knows him as hot drummer you have to take home at the end of the night. You’re just you. You probably just fell in love with him, because you had no one else to love.
You were a tad offended by it. You could possibly in a relationship with infamous drummer, Roger Taylor, right? You thought she was probably just jealous that you had been friends since high school, while she was just another girl in the long list of girls that wanted to talk to him. You were also very sure loved him. You didn’t think of him as just some rebound that you’d stick with until you found someone better. You thought that he was that someone better.
You tried your best to assure yourself that you weren’t a pathetic loser who had fallen in love Roger throughout the rest of your meeting with Maria.
In the end, you didn’t really succeed and you were starting to hope your infatuation was just passing.
People will tell me that I messed up
And it wasn't love
And I'm secretly hoping they are right
“Hey (Y/N), I’m sorry I let you leave alone.”
Roger suddenly blurted from across the couch. You raised your head up from the book you were reading. You wondered why he had brought it up in this particular moment. You were both across each other reading books when he had brought up the subject.
This was the first time in a while that you were together, silent. You have been refrained from seeing him too much, because you were trying to let your crush on him die in peace, but it just wouldn’t. You decided today you’d have a lazy saturday and lounge around. It just so happened that you both decided to read a book in the living room right after breakfast.
“What do you mean?” You furrowed your eyebrows, not really sure if he was talking about that night.
“I mean the first night you went out in a while. I thought you said you were going home with someone else.” He said empathetically completely putting down the book he was reading to join you on your side of the couch.
“It’s fine really, don’t worry about it.” You said going back to your book, continuing where you left off. That was when he stole the book from your grasp and tossed it aside, allowing you to focus on him.
“Ro-”
“It’s not okay. You were still recovering from asshat, Zach. What if he had found you that night?”
You just realised that possibility; you hadn’t noticed it with everything running through your mind that night, but you thought it was fine now. You were fire. Everything was fine.
“It’s fine I ran home, it was raining.” You said, looking away. Roger frowned seeing you weren’t going to budge. He scooted back the slightest bit and gave you some room to breathe.
“I just care about you a lot.” His whisper almost was almost inaudible, but you not absolutely.
“I really am fine. I’d tell you if I felt otherwise, promise.” You said looking back at him, meaning what you said. He sighed, before speaking up again.
“Then why have you been avoiding me the whole week? It’s like I barely even see you anymore and we live in the same apartment!” He said throwing his arms up. You bit your lip, wondering if this was the best time.
“Rog, I don’t think it-”
“Please.”
He looked at you pleadingly. He did not like not seeing you, he hated it. He missed the way you lit up a room with your smile. It was like his sun had been gone the whole week. He was starting to worry if he had done something wrong and that was when he remembered the night you both went out.
When he came back home in the morning, he saw you still sleeping on the couch. He realised he had misheard and you had actually gone home by yourself. He had been filled with guilt since then.
“I think I love you, okay?” You admitted quietly as you looked down, fiddling with your fingers.
“You think?” He asks. He was obviously ecstatic at the idea that you loved him, but wondered why you thought so. He wondered why you weren’t sure.
“It’s just that you’re you! I don’t know why I just fell for you all of sudden. I started noticing all these little things about you and they just made me fall deeper and deeper. I thought it would just go away, but it hasn’t. You keep me up at night, Roger Taylor.” You finished, taking a deep breathe.
“What if I told you I loved you too?”
“Well then I’d guess I’d have no choice, but to love you back. I mean this whole wanting to kiss you and everything isn’t going away.” You joked, trying to lighten up the mood.
“Well, I’ve loved you for quite some time, if you must know.”
“Yeah that’s funny.”
You laughed, while Roger did not really know how to respond. You thought he joking back, but he was dead serious. You realised this and stopped laughing abruptly.
“Wait, really?”
“Yes, you’re really just oblivious aren’t you?”
You blinked once and pinched yourself to ensure this wasn’t a dream. You were surprised to find out it in fact was not. Your (E/C) eyes went wide as you looked at his blue ones, which were waiting for any kind of response.
“(Y/N)?” He asked waving a hand in front of you. You snapped out of your trance and tried to speak, but it all just came out as jumbled words.
“Me? Like? You? Too? Some Time?!” You mumbled as Roger laughed at the priceless look on your face. You seemed to be absolutely surprised to this revelation. Two people who have been best friends and living with each other for over 5 years fall in love? You thought it didn’t add up.
“I could just save you some and kiss you if you’d like?” He said as your stomach did backflips at the mere thought of it. You nodded as he cupped your face and pressed his lips against yours.
You hummed happily at how sweet it was. Funnily enough, the kiss was what brought you back to reality; you started to kiss back. Your lips were both in sync with one another as if they had been aching to meet each other for such a long time. When you both pulled away, all you could think is about kissing him again.
“Yes I do love you.”
“Sure?”
“Positive.”
Oh, I really hope I don't love you
~~~~~~~~~
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sybvrites · 5 years
Text
hi angels! im bee, 20, a general mess... u get the picture. this is hugo and he’s... idk what he is but he’s my baby :))) this is really long so you the best if you read it in full && as always my discord is the uk's weird farmer cousin#1697 if y’all want speedy replies for plotting !
tw: death & drug use.
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( xavier serrano, cismale, he/him, twenty-two ) — have you seen hugo talbot, the history and politics student around oxford yet ? i hear they can be acerbic and meticulous, but those who know them insist they’re reminded of driving too fast on an empty road, the whipping wind in a thunderstorm, cashmere turtlenecks & worn poetry books when they’re around. rumour has it that his parents died during the execution of an insurance scam. is it true ? only time will tell…
FULL NAME: hugo byron talbot DATE OF BIRTH: november 3rd, 1996 PARENTS: gregory talbot & marianne cunard-talbot  NATIONALITY: english  IMPORTANT LINKS: statistics & pinterest.
BACKSTORY
hugo was born on november 3rd, ironically the same day as his mother’s birthday, born twenty-six years apart. marianne cunard-talbot was, to put it bluntly, not the motherly type. her own mother left her and her father when she was one, and since kenneth cunard had no other possible heir to the family business ( and fortune, mind ) the proverbial crown was laid on her brow. with no mother figure in her life, it seemed the capabilities escaped her, as they escaped her husband too. gregory talbot, as a second son to a wealthy family, had little to inherit but a mind for business. when they met at cambridge, both studying literature, in the eighties it wasn’t a match made in heaven, it wasn’t love at first sight, but they made a good team — it was enough.  two more children followed after hugo, and while they lacked a significant amount of guidance from their own parents ( or any sort of guidance at all, really ), they made do with themselves. while hugo and his siblings stayed in london, his parents continued to live in southampton where the headquarters for cunard corporation was, and let the nannies that they’d hired handle the raising of their kids. the lack of supervision and general parenting only served to create an air of entitlement around hugo. he knew from a young age that he was going to be an important man when he grew up, that he would be a powerful man. it was only enforced by the fact that when marianne and gregory would visit it was mainly to nitpick at their children, enquire after their grades and ensure that nobody was stepping out of line.  at thirteen hugo had to leave his siblings behind to attend eton. despite the fact he would return every weekend he still felt the separation from his siblings keenly, they had after all barely been apart for their whole lives. on his first day at eton, he tripped over someone else’s suitcase as he exited his car, and when he turned to angrily confront the owner of the case, he came face to face with thomas. they became fast friends despite the fact that hugo couldn’t help but remember, and wish to rebel against, his parents wish for him to befriend the heir to the throne. the tom he knew wasn’t the crown prince, but rather the boy who had never been allowed his own freedom, a boy who was only just beginning to discover who he was without his parents telling him who he had to be.  by the time hugo was sixteen, and tom seventeen, both had begun to dabble in illicit substances. their reasons were different of course, but it wasn’t as if they necessarily needed reasons to get high and pretend they weren’t going to have the weight of the world on their respective shoulders in ten years. but while hugo usually kept sober unless there was a party, tom seemed to want to spend his time being perpetually high. it was easy to ignore it, his best mate seemed happier after he’d done a few lines, but he also seemed flirtier. tom had come out almost immediately after they’d met, and it was like all the weight had lifted off of his shoulders, sharing his secret with another person seemed to help him immensely. hugo couldn’t say when he began to realise that tom had a crush on him, maybe it was from the very moment they’d met, but throughout the years it started to become abundantly clear. at a friend’s twenty-first birthday party he still felt completely blindsided when tom got high and wasted, and then tried to convince hugo to sleep with him. 
he was eighteen when his parents passed away, it was strange to him because despite their lack of presence it always felt like they were hovering nearby, just waiting for him to mess up, or for his brother or sister to, so they could blame him. it was an accident they said, something went wrong on one of the ships and unfortunately, it took his parents with him when it sunk. his grandfather pulled him aside at the funeral to tell him what happened, he claimed it was hugo's right now, considering once he left university, it was all his. he told hugo about how the cunard fleet was losing more money that it was making, how there was a plan to sink the least valuable to bring in more money, to supplement the loss of money. he told hugo how the plan went awry and the ship didn't sink when it was meant to on its return from australia, and when they went to inspect the ship and why it didn't go down, it sank with them on it. the money was still going to be beneficial to the company, and now the insurance company would be hard pressed to believe that the ship was tampered with, considering who was aboard. the secret had to be kept, he was going to have to keep it for his whole life if he valued his handle on the company and their resulting wealth. it was hard, losing his parents and being burdened with such a secret. his only solace was tom, who didn't know what it was to lose family, but understood what it was like to feel so disconnected.
he would never admit it to his best friend, hell, he’d never admit it out loud, period, but while his mate had been harbouring feelings for him, hugo had a crush of his own. tom’s sister eleanor was quiet around him, he wasn’t sure they’d ever really had a proper conversation and yet every time he caught sight of her when he’d visit tom his heart would kick up and his palms would sweat. it all came to a head when, at tom’s cousin’s twenty-first birthday, he rescued nora from a handsy party-goer and began seeing her in secret, namely so tom wouldn’t find out. their relationship was easy enough to hide, he would stay with tom and sneak off to eleanor’s room once he’d passed out, she would arrive at his door with a hermès scarf to shield her face and hair from those who might recognise her. by the time it had become abundantly clear to the both of them that it was a completely serious relationship and decided that it was time to go public and share their news with tom, and scheduled a press conference ( because an instagram debut was awfully uncouth ), they’d been together for almost a year and a half. 
with the press conference scheduled for the monday after their respective birthdays, and having resolved to sit down to dinner on sunday with eleanor’s family to tell them the truth, both hugo and eleanor went into the weekend confident and happy. tragedy was never far away though, it always seemed to loom on the horizon. after a wild saturday night, tom and hugo found themselves back at buckingham palace, hugo drunk and tom exceptionally high. a quick slip of the tongue ( “ god i’m going to regret this in the morning, nora’s going to kick my ass if i go back to her in this state. ” ), had him thinking he’d ruined everything before nora could present her arguments to her family. instead, tom gave his blessing and sent hugo off to his sister to enjoy the rest of his birthday. he’d thought it was the best weekend of his life, he went home to get ready for dinner and was interrupted by his phone ringing — it was the phone call that he felt turning his life upside down. his girlfriend told him how the maid came to wake him, he was late for breakfast, she shook him and he didn’t wake up. a heart attack, nora told him. the press conference planned for them was used to announce his best friend’s death, the best weekend of his life so quickly turned into the worst.
CURRENTLY
hugo is still trying to work through losing tom, he’s not about to admit to anyone that losing someone who he’d just assumed would be there for… well, forever, was taken so quickly. it also impeded the announcement for his and eleanor’s relationship and forced them back into the dark when they’d been preparing to be able to not sneak around, and now they’re back to where they were before. 
PERSONALITY
POSITIVE TRAITS: astute, meticulous, loyal NEGATIVE TRAITS: acerbic, calculating, imperious  hugo is, above all else, extremely sharp. when it comes to people it usually takes approximately a sentence to leave their mouth before he's made his judgement on them. this also applies to his schoolwork and actual work ( on the occasion that his grandfather requires another set of trusted eyes ). in all things he does he is exceptionally precise, mostly a result of the scrutiny he faced with his parents expecting every move to be absolutely perfect. above all else, and probably the trait he would tell a person he possesses, he is extremely loyal, mostly to his family. there are few people he would go to the ends of the earth for and without a doubt his siblings are the first two ( and eleanor ). he was never raised to be soft, he was raised to run a multi-billion dollar corporation, and as such he never learnt to edge his words with honey, his words always tend to sound as if they have an edge to them, almost confrontational. if a person knows him well enough, they would understand that he usually means nothing by it, he doesn't care enough about most people for it to mean anything. when approaching any situation, his cunning is one thing he has no problem in using, it's often little more than a means to an end as long as it benefits him or someone he cares about. he also has a habit of coming across as quite pompous, he's lived a life where he hasn't ever wanted for anything, everything is served up on a silver platter. as such his view of the world is also quite skewed and his knowledge of simple things like grocery shopping is nonexistent. it makes him come off as conceited and haughty, once the layers are peeled back he is definitely a different person, alas he's hard pressed to let anyone close enough to see him.
PLOTS
okay, i'm definitely spitballing because connections for him are genuinely hard, i can almost guarantee that while i don't think he makes enemies, he's certainly not making friends with many people. he's probably friendly with most people in the riot club, but nowhere close to someone he actually considers a close friend. in saying that, here are a list of connections i can see, but i'm so happy to brainstorm some fun things up ! 
close friends ( 0/2 ) — would have also been close to tom, and i imagine each of them brought a different dynamic/layer to the group ( for instance i definitely think tom was hooking up with one of their mates ). past hookups ( 0/? ) — obviously he isn't hooking up with anyone right about now but i definitely think he was a bit of a fuccboi before eleanor.  childhood friends ( 0/1 ) — hugo never really got out much as a child, but when he did it was usually with this character, their parents were likely friends of his own parents and thus, this character would have been ' approved '. party friends ( 0/2 ) — i imagine that these two were the ones who helped him get through tom's death where eleanor couldn't, he had, and still has, a lot of frustration regarding his friend's passing and i can see him just wanting to go out, drink far too much and forget about things for a little while. riot friends ( 0/? ) — he's not very... chummy with many people, but considering everyone in the riot club are of a similar calibre, he definitely feels more comfortable calling most people in riot more than acquaintances. 
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tanginae · 7 years
Text
Modern!Tropang Nerds Headcannons, Part I
this ended up longer than it should be... also, yes i know it’s weird ‘cuz it’s in English but trust me, i realized that mistake too late and i apologize
anyway, it’s under the cut because i got  little carried away 
BASILIO:
His eyes are black, but theyre anything but boring: his gaze can pull even the toughest of people in, either fascinating them or scaring them; and Isagani's probably written a verse or two about them after he sees how gorgeous they are (Basilio probs thought it was weird, but he still found it flattering nonetheless). Actually very expressive, you just have to know how to look. Has permanent eyebags (from late-night study sessions) and long eyelashes framing them (he gets it from his momma). They may be deep, dark, and mysterious, but the way his eyes light up when he laughs, getting all crinkly and stuff is just… beautiful.
HE WEARS GLASSES. FIGHT ME ON THIS.  
His nose isn't too flat, just enough to hold up his glasses so it doesn't slide
His bottom lip and top lip share the same thickness, and are plump enough to make one wonder how kissing them would feel like. Also, he'd probably have the habit of biting off the skin when it gets chapped (dammit basilio get some lip balm)
His usual, stoic face looks otherwise to other people; he gets really surprised when they tell him he scares them. He often gets told he looks like he's going to slice open the next person who bumps into him. He's confused, most of the time, because "im literally not mad, guys?? What??" He also gets told he looks hot. He doesn't know how to react to that
If he looked hot wearing his normal face, he's pretty fucking cute when he's joking around, smiling and laughing. He looks all boyish, easygoing, and mischievous, a far cry from what people see when they first meet him
He's never going to admit this, but he doesn't have to because it shows: he loves dressing up real good. He won't spend too much on clothes, but it's just enough so that he looks like he stepped out of a magazine or something
He looks especially good in hoodies, probably because he rarely ever wears them
His blood is 75% coffee
Loves horror and gore movies only because he gets to point out its scientific flaws, they're practically a weird mix of reviewing and comedy to him
He probably keeps an old picture of him, Crispin, & Sisa for motivation, he looks at it whenever he feels taxed by the shit he's going through
He isn't religious or superstitious, though being raised in the province means he knows a considerable amount of folk tales and urban legends
Science Nerd
He's actually lowkey talkative and loves scientific discourse, get him started on it and he won't be able to stop. Probably loves biology and chemistry
Surprises people by his encyclopedic knowledge of obscure and morbid topics such as the best weapons to kill someone quickly, the most venomous substances know to man, etc. Isagani digs this. He's like a fountain of knowledge for when he needs something scientifically accurate for his writings
Has the patience of a saint
Hates fights and arguments; only a handful of things ever piss him off and it's when a) people use his past against him (the only people who can do this are Simoun and Isagani, and there is no way in hell Isagani's going to do that to him) and b) when people hurt/talk shit about the people he loves and cares for
Has ridiculous big brother instincts; which means he's very protective over his friends and close peers (even more so when they're younger than him)
Probably good at reading people; can detect whether they like him or not
He's that one student who starts assignments and projects weeks early
Never procrastinates
The type to obsess over something (a particularly difficult concept, a lengthy and complicated lesson, etc) until he knows it like the back of his hand
Nervous ticks: it's hard to tell when he's nervous since he's cool as a cucumber, but you'll know it when he fusses over stuff and people a lot more than he usually does
Has ridiculously steady hands that probably never tremble
Probably plays Amateur Surgeon for shits and giggles. He probably also gets four stars on every level, too
Great at handling money; really thrifty and frugal
Lowkey makabayan
Tends to show his affection through the little things; like getting them the food they like, sticky notes with sweet nothings on them, Jollibee burgers with the said sticky notes, stuff like that
He would make sure anyone he genuinely cares about never feels alone or lonely
He takes a little while to get past the initial awkwardness at the beginning of a relationship (any type of relationship, tbh), but when he does he's lowkey clingy as shit. He's going to fuss over them to no end until the other reminds him he has to take care of himself too
Probably gets detached as a defense mechanism when he feels as if people are about to walk out of his life
Highkey independent
He deserves all that is good and pure in this world
ISAGANI
Tall as fuck and bulky as shit, just enough muscle to make my panties drop
Probably has no abs. he's pretty soft and hard at the same time
And because he's bigger than most people, his hugs are The Best™
His eyes are probably a dark brown, framed by perpetual eyebags and rich lashes. Highly expressive, you can always tell what he's feeling just by looking at his eyes. It practically lights up whenever he laughs, smiles, talks about something he loves, that kinda stuff
HE WEARS GLASSES because of all the reading and writing he's doing
His lower lip is thicker than his upper lip, making him look like he's perpetually pouting. He always, always smiles with his teeth showing, and it's pretty much enough to charm the shit out of anyone
HALA TANGINa ANG POGI NIYA
He has chubby cheeks (because I'm assuming he DOES have a little chub), but that only softens his otherwise harsh features
Really nice and likable to everyone he meets, but will literally verbally whoop people's asses when the need arises
Has a low tolerance for bullshit, you know he's pissed when he's dead set on roasting the other person until they're nothing but a pile of ash
He's pretty impulsive, sometimes acting without thinking of the bigger picture (or thinking, in general)
His hands almost always have pencil lead  and/or ink stains
Probably owns a fountain pen. That dweeb
Owns a journal where he writes down his writings, but the said writings still end up on loose pieces of paper, café tissues, hell, even his own hand
He keeps his school notes poem-free, but they're anything but immaculate--his handwriting is probably messy and scrawl-y, especially when he's writing down things in a rush
He's only sociable when he needs to be. Otherwise, he's really quiet, preferring to observe people rather than talk to them
He indulges himself in coffee shops (he hates Starbucks, though); he's that one person you see actually reading and writing and/or studying there for hours and hours on end
He can and he will lose days of sleep over his assigned readings
He won't stop until he's finished everything and/or until someone tells him to stop and take a nap or something
He would most likely be a debate team member
He recognizes the oppression of minorities and will actively fight the said oppression; dreams of equality for everyone
Nothing annoys him more than people who claim to be against oppression but end up creating some form of oppression themselves (kinda like those feminists who are, in reality, just misandrists; those kinda things)
Legitimately wants to make his country a better place, and every time he feels exhausted in all aspects he just thinks of the future of his country, the one he's actively working for, and he finds the will to fight and continue
He will literally die for this country when he needs to
Highkey loves the sea and always, always feels at home there
He's a huge beach person
He is definitely the jealous type. However, he never manifests his jealousy in the form of violence, he just cries and/or sulks somewhere
Will willingly lower his pride and apologize even if it's the other person's fault; he almost always wins his arguments but when it comes to his special someone, he would gladly lose bless his soul
Definitely a blusher and would get nervous as fuck over meeting/talking to the person that he liked
He's the type to stumble over his words and sentences whenever he talks about something that he likes; it's a joy to talk to him about the things he enjoys because he's practically vibrating with happiness. It's adorable and contagious
He would be the type to take his bf/gf out on a beach date. If it were in the day he'd organize a little picnic, if it were during the night he'd probably just show them the stars and hold their hand and tell them random little stories he's never told anyone before. He'd make them laugh and it'd be the most disgustingly sweet thing ever
(help I just died writing that)
He's also the type to just… stare at his special someone when they're sleeping, reading, or doing something mundane because he thinks they’re just so damn beautiful and he's lucky to have them
He's also the type to tell them they're beautiful when they least expect it
He can be blinded by his own optimism, and when he's disappointed, it just crushes him
When he stands for or against something, there's no shaking it. His principles are as tough as stone
He's brave, never failing to do what he thinks is right. He's pretty reckless, though
part ii 
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gryffon · 7 years
Text
gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.
i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.
she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.
still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.
i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.
i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.
several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.
these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.
for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 
this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.
if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.
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