im gonna be honest gang ive been feeling more and more hopeless as of late and seeing everything thats going on both online and in the real world im just like. wow the misery never fucking ends!!!! we live in an actual hell world and its exhausting!! fuck

how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?

Haha what if all the overwhelming rage I'm suddenly feeling is actually just 21 years of accumulated injustices that I'm only now starting to feel because my self esteem is improving. But then because it's so overwhelming that it feels genuinely unsafe to both myself and those around me for me to express it, I have to repress it further and the only way I know how to do that is to lower my self esteem again so that I don't feel angry cause I no longer feel like I ever deserved better

when i love someone i WANT to learn abt their past traumas, their insecurities nd pain so that i can learn how to love them right. i want to understand how i should treat, reassure and comfort them. i want to learn their love languages so i can love them the way they need

I'm not done yet but hey are you giving zuko eldest daughter trauma because I'll fucking kill you I read ONE line it's probably the first of what's to come but I'm sending the hate ask now xoxo

ofc i wouldn't do that! he's just fistfighting a saviour complex and is eternally burdened by the responsibility of raising and caring for his sister while simultaneously being a child himself and always putting himself before the worst of the war so that azula doesn't have to all the while growing more and more rage towards the situation until it all comes out in a very cataclysmic scene that i will definitely cry at when writing :)

there's really no help for feeling suicidal when you're not in immediate danger

I miss Starscream. I miss when TF wasn't a goddamn trigger

i just saved u guys from reading the most tmi post in the world u dont know how good uve got it with me

ahsgsjaugejwjg

I think (as much as I annoyingly complain and whine about not having a partner) being single this long has been good for me. I'm learning a lot about myself and I'm learning why I was a shit person, and through finding the root of the problem I can kind of... start to heal. I can be nicer to myself so I can grow and get better. Because TBH.. being mean and cruel to yourself doesn't make you become a better person. It just makes you believe that thats what you /are,/ and thats what you /always will be,/ as opposed to realizing that you are a product of your circumstances but that does not mean you can't get better and become a better person. Accepting help and trying to get better so you can eventually love yourself – even if no one else does – is the greatest and loveliest thing you can do for yourself. You deserve that love, you exist and you live and you feel and that is a truly beautiful gift.

also

.

.

I took a super strong sleeping pill that was supposed to knock me out last night, but I still ended up jolting awake shaking after 4 hours. I really don't know how to fix this.

My bad memories and all of my rage is always in my brain 24/7 and I just wish I knew how to make the anxiety go away. I know this is how ptsd works but I hate it so much. And what scares me is the fact that I could possibly be stuck with this for years. I am praying it gets easier within months of using my tools to get better but I just don't know, I feel as if I make little to no progress because i'm doing... so fucking bad.

I don't know how to explain it, it's like, you know those spiky little sticker ball things in the grass that stick to your shoes and socks?? Well it's like I have one of those stuck to my brain at all times, it holds all of my flashbacks, my anger, my hurt, and it keeps me on high alert for seeing my abuser's S/I somewhere online. And some people really are able to "just stop thinking about it" but my neurospicy brain is like "hi I cannot get this sticker off. wow this sucks. guess I'm just gonna focus on it whether you like it or not <3"

Like I would feel so much better if it wasn't in my head every single second I was alive. I don't want to have bad memories in my head. I don't want to have multiple triggers choking me. I want my comfort characters back without me crying and flinching at them anymore. I know this is a part of ptsd but literally if I just had my hyperfixation back to help me through all of this, then this wouldn't be as crippling

i cant believe the day but i finally got a full tower pc. bought it already built and at a considerable discount of some 320 dollars off. its fucking huge and theres so many things going on inside... i was initially planning on choosing the parts myself but finding the graphics card was so hard and everyone else convinced me to just buy it built and honestly? good. id probably have fucked this up so badly by myself

i cant use it yet bc i took too long to buy the monitor that was also on sale and now its regular price -_- tho i managed to find a discount used one for now. well see how that goes since ill get it tomorrow. i tested it on out living room tv and it had some kaspersky thingy open and like thats so cute. i hope they left some treats in the browsing history for me to search through before i wipe it clean

aw damn must be time to prepare my famous chicken dish