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self manifestations for 2023/24 (progress)

[X] rent an better actual apartment, by myself or with someone else: I am currently here now :) sitting by myself in the comfort of my living room, while listening to lofi music on youtube as background. And boy, what an amazing feeling it is. it is merely just over 400 sq ft, a small size by most standards. yet its just enough for me and the bf who comes over.

I used to feel like I don't do well in the ordinary, life had to always be happening or I have to be on some unconventional route (i mean it kinda is but still) to be happy or whatever. But lately, I really do appreciate the peace and the ordinaryness. I now romanticise the chill/hiding away to my safe space. I love doing my silly little home decorating and just feeling present at this apartment. my safe space.

I gradually became a much more neater and organised person. seriously, i started making my own bed more regularly and you could point a gun at me and i would find it so pointless to do it. its just going tog et messy again so who cares? but now.... i see why people do it.

i thought me being messy was just a personality trait of mine and i hoped people around me will accept it. but i dont know... i guess there's this new-found form of respect i have for my space now, and keeping it tidy just makes it so much more pleasant for me. the only issue with that is i spend significantly more time tidying, and my boyfriend still hasnt caught up to speed yet.

But still... I finally get ikea catalogues and how they are always selling this idea of a beautiful home enriching your life. because its true. and i get why people buy picture frames and decorative tissue boxes and carpets and all. to make a space much cozier, which in turn makes u happier and more at peace. And I get why people buy extra practical things like a water filter, storage space for your appliances, a speaker, a standing desk. because why wouldnt you? it boosts your quality of life in different ways.

Yes, its not cheap to rent, but damn I would rather pay with money than with my mental health. for seven years i've lived with the bare minimum. mostly stuck to buying necessary stuff for my home, or barely buying anything at all for fear it will eat up the little space i was allocated to. and now to have the space(!!) and options to buy something just for the aesthetics is suddenly new to me again. for 8 years i've been living in cramped dorms/subdivided rooms/flat share. i am so grateful and i cant wait to make more and get an even bigger space maybe (i still wish for a bigger kitchen, and an actual designated to hang clothes without taking over the living room space).

In the meantime maybe i can start thinking about owning a home. though i still dont feel ready, need to save more haha

[ ] get my first tattoo: still in the works. all the artists i like are either based far away, or i am still undecided and frankly procrastinating. slighly worrying about the fallout with the mother. also there is a bit of inertia to just fuck it and out trust in an artist for a tattoo that im not sure of yet.

[ ] adopt a cat: unlike getting a tattoo, i dont think i can just bite the bullet and bring an animal to my life full-time. since having a family dog, i realised how important it is to consider how I really have to be responsible for a pet. And making space for said pet in your life. my family dog came to us in a "yolo" way of sorts, and while he is amazingggggg, i know if it were up to me i'll do so much more to give him a better life. and so, i would like to carefully consider everything before fostering one. and also because my new apartment is so great as it is, how can an animal live in it well without destroying the space i worked so hard for?

[X] adapt well in new job: giving this an X because so far i've performed better than how i did in my first year. but there's a lot of self-pressure and probably managerial pressure to step up and do even more, learn even more etc. tbh sometimes it feels like my brain is swimming from all these new things i've learnt or am expected to learn. i dont want to disappoint people, but i am also trying to give myself the space/patience to improve and be better. after all im paid much better to live in this nice apartment.

[X] buy fancy decorative stuff for said new apartment (eg. plates, candles, artsy fartsy stuff)

[ ] be reading more: definitely falling back on reading... sometimes its hard to get the attention span to do so. i've been told i should get back on self-help books. so far i've read more autobiographies. there are some books i own that take me back to chaotic times (Eg. 2019) and i'm sure if i even want to touch them for fear of bringing up not so great memories and how this city is quietly turning to shits. well at least i have my nice place as it turns to shit... privilege much?

[ ] continue to choose myself: i feel like its a half-half on this...

[X] be okay with change: something i read recently is how because nothing last forever, its best to appreciate things are they are now before they are gone. the glass is already broken. impermanence makes things more beautiful.

[ ] have more reflective alone times: unfortunately not doing as much of that, but i hope that will change!!!! sometimes i live life on autopilot mode, and i could feel myself living in that mode for months since i've stopped going to therapy. autopilot mode isnt bad, but yeah i know i dont truly reflect on my feelings much if that is so. and i find my thoughts so muddled and messy at times. its like what the fuck do i want sometimes, why am i overthinking this and that, am i doing enough of this and that bla bla,,, but i dont know WHY im thinking like that. sometimes writing this in word vomit mode helps to rationalise and write out all the things in my head which is great... although i feel like a terrible writer because everything is so messy and word vomity

[X] solo travel (either a beach getaway or city gal holiday, or both): my first solo trip coming up soon! a beach getaway is something i always want to do. im not going to plan much or keep everything to a schedule, just see where this trip takes me. im hoping to just chill and be rejuvenated, and yes try to be more reflective

[ X] turn off my brain when work is over: a WIP but i would say i've gone heaps and bounds since leaving my last job. work stops at 6 and i try not to open my emails/messages, but i guess with more responsibilities sometimes i cant help it. but i can safely say i do have more time for other things without feeling like some manager will find me to settle a story or whatever. it feels nice to have no one bug u after work hours!!

[X] maintain close relationships with the people who matter: not sure whether to tick this since i've become a lot more introverted this year. i no longer do big parties or try to organise one anymore. in that sense i do feel more distant from people now, sometimes i dont even know who matters and who doesnt. but this time, i feel perfectly okay with it. i think its the new house effect, i just want to stay home all the time. maybe the person who matters most in my life is me, after all.

[X] restart seriously saving and investing again: getting paid more helps. though i do need to re-evaluate my investing choices. i jsut need to be careful about lifestyle inflation and balance things properly. i started budgeting again this months so hopefully i can stick to it.

[X] stay away from people with bad energy: its actually easier to do that when u have a significant other and u are okay to be alone. no longer interested in clubs or gettign fucked up, or getting on dating apps anymore.

-[X?] feel valued in a workplace/relationship: yes for work, thanks to great managers and great benefits. relationship, i would like to think my friends value me, and as for my boyfriend? i guess he does in his own ways, though i would like to feel more of it.

New goals:

learn diving

solo travel/travel to more unconventional places

romanticising life more

take a chill hobby like coloring

exercise at least 1x a week

Hii,I’d like to request a fanfic about kaeya and venti(seperate) comforting a gn!reader after losing their pet

Summary - Venti and Kaeya comfort you after the loss of your pet.

Pairings - Reader x Venti / Kaeya

Warnings - Pet angst

Penpal - Sorry for getting to you late! If you did by chance lose a pet like that I’m so sorry to hear that- I tried to make it extra comforting for that case. If not and I’m just overthinking it- I hope you enjoy it either way :)

A/N - Ahhhh- I havent posted in so long ;-; sorry sorry, been stuck with 40-50 hours of work this entire week, and when I get home I just grind Inazuma. I havent even caught up to the archon quest, just exploring lol

Comfort after Losing a Pet

Venti

Venti has lived for a very long time, and even with his cheerful chatter and harmless jokes, he’s gained a strong sense of wisdom from these years. He has no doubt attached himself to people throughout these years and lost them, but instead of feeling sad for them, I feel like Venti would keep them close to his heart instead.

He’d urge you to do the same.

Things like these take time, taking in the death of someone important to you is not easy, he understands that.

Venti can be incredibly patient, even though it might be hard for him to put himself exactly in your shoes, he will wait alongside you.

Unless it’s a cat.

He’s allergic to those little fuckers- and even if he doesn’t share a particular hatred towards them…

Jk jk he’ll comfort you and mourn your pet with you either way, he just wants to see you smile again.

What Venti could best give you is words and time, he doesn’t really have much archon duties so he’ll spend the day doing things with you. He’ll even skip a few nights at the bar just to cuddle with you and make you feel safe and like you have someone to rely on.

As for words, we all know Venti is a smooth talker- who’s to say he isn’t good at soothing someone either?

He probably won’t be as touchy as Kaeya will, and will rely on the things he can do to cheer you up. Playing his lyre, telling you jokes, and just being by you.

_-_-_-_

"People and animals come and go, I know for sure that -pet name- loved you dearly Y/n. And even if they can’t be here with you," Venti pressed a loving kiss to your chest right where your heart was. "They’ll always be right here with you.”

_-_-_-_

“They’re gone.”

You slowly sank to your knees, lips pressed firmly shut as you tried to blink away the tears. Shock coursed your body as you tried to understand just what had happened. But every time you thought about it, your heart thud a bit too loudly against your chest, and suddenly you wanted to cry all over again.

Venti, who was right beside you didn’t know what to do. His hands were outstretched to bring you into his arms, but he was unsure of whether it was the contact you need at the moment.

He decided to simply rest his hand on your back.

The two of you had just been on your way back home after having to put your pet down, something you’d been trying to delay, but knew you had to with their age and actions. Venti had stood with you through it all, but you hadn’t shed a tear back then.

But the shock gradually faded away, and you were a sobbing mess.

Venti rubbed his hand on your back, whispering soft promises and loving words into your ear. It hurt him to see you like this, and even if he was close and had known your pet well, it didnt affect him nearly as much as it did you. However, when you continued to sit crouched on the floor, he knew he needed to take action.

Slowly, he lifted you to your feet, opening the door to your home and slowly helping you inside. Tears continued to trickle down your face as he walked you over to your bedroom, a firm grip on your arm so you wouldnt fall. His thumb gently brushed the skin of your arm, a contact that reminded you he was there.

He gently sat you on the bed, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “Y/n,” he began gingerly, already taking off your boots and unnecessary accessories. “Take a deep breath in.”

You did just that, but another sob broke past your lips and suddenly you were wiping them away.

“No no,” he took your hands in his, your wrists encased in his gentle grip. “I’m not asking you to stop crying… I just want you to clear your head a little.” His gaze was soft as he looked up at you from his crouched position. “Being sad over this is completely normal, I’ll be with you through it all.”

He slowly brought your fingertips to his lips, pressing a featherlike kiss to each of them. So soft that by the time he’d finished, you’d stopped crying. His touch made you feel warm, a bright reminder that he was here with you, that you wouldnt be alone during this.

“(Pet Name) loved you Y/n. I want you to know that they were happy till the end, happy with you. I know you need to grieve, but don’t ever think that you’ll have to do it alone.”

Kaeya

Kaeya may not as lived as much as Venti, but he has certainly gone through enough to understand handling a loss. He’s lost a great amount of family, and has lost his relationship with his brother. He probably hasnt had a pet before, but knows the importance they hold.

He probably got to know your pet too, formed memories and came to love them as well.

It wont hit him as hard though .

Kaeya will also be patient with you, theres no rush to heal over what happened or finish your grievances. Expect him to be there with you for the majority of the time, he might ask for a couple of days just to stay with you.

But Kaeya still needs to work, hence time not being one of the main providers he can give you. Instead, he would wrap you in his arms and wouldnt let go. Physical contact and giving are what he’s gonna be doing.

You feel hungry for eggs and bacon? Chef Kaeya to the rescue-

Tbh I dont even know if he can cook.

Like Venti, he will remind you constantly that he’s there. Because he knows that its exactly what he needed back when Crepus died. He’ll remind you through his words, actions, and contact.

24/7 Cuddle buddy.

He most definitely calls you nicknames all the time, but the names before the death of your pet might have been more like, babe, doll, honey. He might’ve switched to love, dear, dearest, stuff like that for a little.

Idk- but ‘Your pet loved you doll,’ doesnt sound as nice as, ‘Your pet loved you dear.

_-_-_-_

“We made so many memories with them,” he whispered into your ear, arms around you. “You were always there with them, loved and took care of them, I know they loved and appreciated you for it.”

_-_-_-_

“I’m fine Kaeya,” you mumbled as he held the cup of tea to your lips. Your hands could easily grasp the sides, but for some odd reasons he insisted on being the one to do everything for you. You knew it was partly because he’d have to start going back to work soon, and he just wanted you to feel comfortable.

“I know,” he simply said, a smile playing at his lips. “But I want to spoil you with love, just take it.”

You felt your throat go dry and your chest thud painfully, something you’d gotten used to since yesterday. The loss of your pet struck hard, but you found it all the more bearable with Kaeya, who stood alongside you through it all.

Finishing the tea, he climbed into bed with you, hand coming to pull you close to his chest. His fingers slowly brushed the skin of your back, soothing patterns that would send you to sleep right away. But instead, you nuzzled your head deeper into his chest.

“I miss them,” you spoke softly.

Kaeya didnt stop with the motions on your back, but instead drifted his other hand to the back of your head. He brushed his fingers through your locks, lowering how own head down to press a kiss to your forehead.

“I know you do,” was what he said in a whisper. “Theres nothing wrong with it either, you will miss them for an eternity.” He spoke from experience, but was never harsh with his words as if he expected you to know. “But eventually, you will solely remember those good memories with (Pet name). Those are the only ones that matter, because you made them happy, and they made you happy.”

The deep breath you took in was painful.

But he was right, you knew well that their memories and your yearning for them would turn into a past adoration. You would never forget them, but you’d come to accept their loss and always remember them in a happy light.

“Thank you,” you mumbled softly to the boy, wrapping your hands around his waist. “You always know what to say and do… thank your for being here for me.”

“I will always be here for you,” was his answer.

Green vibe

Musical Beetlejuice xfemreader

After you caught beetlejuice with your vibrator, you were mad at him, he trys to win you over with a replacement.

WARNING nsft content, voyeurism, possessed vibrator, yeah with a clueless reader

Part one

You couldnt help but laugh at the contents of the gift, a few days ago you caught your pal beetlejuice with your vibrator in his mouth, you were so upset at this breach of privacy, you decided to just ignore him, there was no point in being upset or angry with him, he never took anything seriously anyway, let alone your feelings. The rest of that day was so weird, it was like he wasnt even there, he avoided you, and you him, when Lydia summoned him back, there were no 'good byes' or warnings, just a cloud of smoke and silence, you thought nothing of this, eventually you'll forgive him, and things will be fine, but right now, you wanted to be upset.

But this, an apology gift? You honestly never would have guessed beetlejuice was capable of apologizing, let alone with a gift. You couldnt help but laugh through your nose when you saw the contents, a bright green vibrator, a little bottle of lube, and a note. As embarrassing as it is to have the ghoul pick out a sex toy for you, his heart was in the right place at least, maybe the Maitlands suggested this, the apology gift part at least, probably not the whole sex toy part.

The note though, his hand writing was a mess, but you've had professors with worse.

"Sorry I put your vibrator in my mouth, here is a brand new, NEVER BEEN OPENED one, and some lube to get the party started, PS this one is a tad bigger ;)"

'Never been opened' you inspect the package, factory seal still intact, you sigh, glancing back at the note, you blush rereading the part saying 'this one is a tad bigger' the idea of the demon remembering your old toy's size and deciding you needed a bigger one made a shiver run up your spine.

As awful and chaotic as he could be, there was a part of him that honestly ment well, despite all of his glaring flaws you honestly really liked him, he was so much fun to have around, he was funny, creative, attractive, and charming in his own gross way.

You bite your bottom lip, today was a shitty day at work, maybe you could try it out, let off some steam, but first, is the demon is question around? How did this box even get here? I mean he's magic, so, either way you do a sweep of your apartment just in case.

With the coast being clear you decide its safe. You take the toy out of its box, Beej wasnt kidding it was bigger, you sigh and take it to the bathroom to clean it.

As you busied yourself, you shiver, shrugged it off as nerves, unknown to you Beetlejuice was standing right beside you, giddy as can be, of course he made himself invisible to you. Earlier that day he begged Lydia to take him to your apartment so he could apologize to you, the teen couldnt take his whining, and caved. A few months back you gave the kid a key to your place so she could feed your cat when you were out of town for a weekend, and never really asked for it back. You didnt live too far from the Deetz, give or take a 10 minute bus ride, or a 20 minute walk, so having the goth drop by wasnt uncommon or have her drop by summon beetlejuice and leave wasnt uncommon either.

"Gonna give me a show sweetheart? You're gonna love this thing doll, I promise~" beetlejuice was buzzing with excitement, he honestly didnt think youd try it out right away, he WAS gonna jump out and surprise you and see if you accept his apology, but kinda got caught up in watching you he forgot to become visible again.

Beetlejuice watches you dry off the vibrator, he couldnt help but drool, he loved watching you work with your hands, would love to have them work on him.

Walking back into your room, you close the door behind you, you live alone, but old habits die hard. You slip out of your pantyhose and skirt, oblivious to the wolf whistles and lecherous eyes.

Sliding off your panties, you slingshot them at the laundry pile and miss, Beej couldnt help but laugh "nice try babes, you ever need a hand with aiming, I dont mind being a target~" pointing to his face.

You plop down on the bed, propping up some pillows to get more comfortable, you were kinda nervous, this thing WAS bigger then the old one, and you've been meaning to get an upgrade, but still, taking a deep breath you reach for the little bottle of lube that was included to the apology gift.

Beetlejuice was sitting on the edge of you bed watching like a hawk, he nearly screamed when he saw you pick up the tiny bottle, the vibrator was untouched, but the bottle, he couldnt help himself, he spat in the lube before boxing it up, call it a more personal touch, or an indirect kiss.

Taking another deep breath you squirt a bit of the lube onto you hand, gently apply it to your vagina, you gasp at the cold contact. The demon was drooling at this, hair an electric pink, you were using his spit, sorta, to get yourself ready for a toy HE got you, he had no idea what he did to get such a stroke of luck but he wasnt complaining.

As you lube up the toy, beetlejuice began palming himself through his pants "come on sugar, you're gonna love this, there is no way you wont forgive me after this" he purred, not that you could hear him.

You mumble a soft 'okay' as you carefully slide the toy in, you've done this multiple times before, but the fact that this was a new toy, a new size, made you a tad nervous, being stretched a little further then usual, did feel good.

"That's it Sugar, that's it, you're doing so well, you like that? Nice and thick, just like yours truly~"

you sigh, toy fully inside.

"Take your time sweets, make sure you're well adjust" the demon coos, freeing his cock from its prison.

You turn the toy on, buzzing to life, you jump and curse, even on the lowest setting it had power. After you regain your composure, you begin pumping the vibe in and out, already panting, and moaning, beetlejuice begins matching you pace for bit before picking it up.

"Alright sweetheart, its showtime"

With a snap of his fingers the vibrator begins pumping itself, matching the ghouls pace, buzzing harder then orginally set.

"What the fuck?!" You shriek, gasping and squirming, you let go of the vibe, watching it move on it's own, a weird mix of horror and arousal, what the fuck what going on?! Maybe you should have read the box, or instructions, your train of thought was interrupted by the vibrator picking up its pace, you roll your head back shouting curses and praise on how good it feels.

"You like that sugar?" The demon purrs leaning over you, as hot as it would be to fuck you proper, possessing a toy to fuck you was still incredibly sexy, and the fact that you were openly enjoying it was the icing on the cake.

"PLEASE Beetlejuice, thank you!" You scream, hips bucking hard.

The ghoul flinches, yes it was hot to hear you scream his name, but you didnt put two and two together did ya? You can be clueless at times, but...

"FUCK" you shout cumming hard.

"Already? Sweets? I'm still working on my own" he demon sighs, "I know you're a one and done type sweetheart, but today, how bout we change that?~" his voice drops to that low seductive tone that would make a shiver run up your spine, not that you could hear him.

The buzzing has stopped, the movement has stop, you lay there basking in the aftermath slowly regaining your breath, sighing, it hasnt been that good in a long while, you reach for the box the toy came in to see what was up with that setting, before you could reach the box the buzzing started again, you flinched still being sensitive from your first orgasm. Your old toy used to do that, turn on and off for no reason, so you didnt find it odd, you go to turn off and pull out the vibe, when the intensity ramps up and the pumping starts up again.

"Round 2 sugar" the ghoul coos "nice and sensitive, and soaking wet for me~" beetlejuice begins pumping his cock again, starting off slow, then gradually picking up speed, the vibrator matched his pace, Beej drooled at the sight of you, an absolute mess, because of him, hair a mess, legs shaking, flushed, on the brink of tears, he loved it, he wanted you so bad, to pound you into the mattress for real, but you were so clueless to his advances.

You were so nice to him all the time, you laugh at his jokes, let him scare whoever is dumb enough to knock on your door, yeah you two fought, but you always came around, but this time he thought he owed you a proper apology.

"Come on sugar, you look so good for me, you like that? Yeah you do, come for me sweetheart, give me all that you got" the ghoul whispers in your ear, bucking hard into his hand, the shout as the vibrator mimicked his actions, beetlejuice couldnt help but chuckle at the beautiful sounds he was getting from you.

Beetlejuice begins a punishing pace stocking his cock, he was close, could you blame him? The sight of his breather an absolute hot mess plus the noises you were making? He's surprised he lasted this long. But he needed you to come first since he was possessing the toy.

With the pace beetlejuice has set, had you shaking, "Fuck, I can't, I'm gonna-please, Beej!" You babbled

Beetlejuice has spied on you during your private time more then once, it was always music to his ears when he herd you say his name during that special time.

"BEETLEJUICE!" And with that you came for the second time, bucking your hips hard, beetlejuice came shortly after, helping you ride out the orgasm with the vibe, he slowly turned down the buzzing till it stopped completely. Once you came back down, you were quick to remove the toy, and good as it was, you were too exhausted for anymore, and feeling a tad dizzy.

"Have fun sweets?" Do you forgive me?~" Bj coos, not that you could hear, he straightens himself up, wiping his cum covered hand on his pants.

Once you're back together you finally pick up the box the vibrator came in, you sigh when you see the word 'Netherworld', that explains alot, he got this from the netherworld.

"A vibrator for the dead, dead or not, that was amazing" you sigh

Beetlejuice couldnt help but mimic your sigh, not that he needed to breath, thank god slash satan for oblivious nature.

"I guess I can forgive that dumbass" you mumble as you redress yourself, the demon still sitting on the edge of your bed does a little fist pump, mission accomplished, he'll probably reveal himself to you in an hour or so.

Staring at the freshly used vibrator while he waited for you to leave the room, hoping he'd get the chance to 'clean it for you' this time, but of course you were the tidy type, and snatched it right from under him.

Well at least you forgive him now.

Bonus

Later on that evening, You were in the kitchen making fried rice, simple but yummy, as you stirred around the contents of the pan you start to zone out.

"what's cooking good looking?" a familiar gravely voice whispers in your ear.

You nearly jump out of your skin

"BEETLEJUICE!" You shout, the demon couldnt help but laugh.

"Love that loud voice of yours sweetheart, bet it sounds great in the bedroom~" he laughs

You sigh, trying to collect any dignity you had left "when did you get here?"

"Lyd's and I were messing with your neighbors and she ditched me here, kid's today" he shrugs.

That wasnt the first time that has happened so you believe him.

"SO, did you get my gift? Did you like it? Did you take It for a spin?~" he purrs that last part wiggling his eyebrows.

Blushing hard at what he was implying, you look at your feet and mumble a quick yes.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Do you forgive me?~" beetlejuice's face was inches from yours, eager for the awnser he already knew. You nodded, and the demon pulls you into a tight hug and spins you around like a rag doll.

"PERFECT! So did you enjoy it?~ on a scale from 1 to me, how hot was the ride?~" he cooed finally coming to a halt.

"BEETLEJUICE!"

He laughed at your embarrased expression, he was thrilled to have his breather on his side again.

#AskStrange Hello doctor! I have a question about the status of subs. IIRC, according to the Author, subs are in principle equal to everybody else. However, some elements in the story make me wonder if that's true in practice: Howard's total rejection of Tony's orientation; Tony's hiding it for years; and Pepper's mention that people loved him in part because of his being a sub. Are subs in actuality discouraged from following challenging life paths, and those who do especially admired?

While the Author is, in many cases, wildly fanciful, on this particular topic she is correct. Submissives, particularly True submissives, are generally very highly regarded. Howard Stark, however…well, perhaps showing you would be more expedient.

(The Author asks that I provide a content warning for allusions to child neglect, alcohol abuse, and something she calls “Howard Stark’s A+ Parenting.” I can only hope the latter is sarcastic. As annoying as his spawn is, I would not consider Howard Stark a model for adequate parenting.)

Tony loved workshop days the most. The rest of the time his Dad had only a few settings: physically gone (at work, or searching for Captain America), mentally gone (booze was usually the culprit on these occasions), or emotionally gone. The latter times were the worst, because Howard would be there, right in front of you, and he might even be sober, but he might as well have been thousands of miles away. Those usually happened during the big fundraising events Tony’s Mom put on, though Howard had also been known to check-out during kiddish milestones he considered beneath his son, like piano recitals or elementary school ‘graduations.’

He didn’t let Tony down into the workshop very often, either. Tony, he said, was too easily distracted, more likely to break something or taint the results of an experiment than to actually add anything of value. But every once in a while he would find Tony, pull him away from whatever he was doing (which had included school a couple of times, usually leading to screaming matches between Dad and Mom later) and bring him down to the shop.

The shop was the best place in the world. There was always something incredible happening; Dad would work on new designs for the shield (for when he found Cap), and he’d talk to Tony about vibranium and everything that made it such a unique, un-reproduceable substance. Or he’d work on his flying car, which was going to be perfect one day as soon as he stabilized the repulsor technology. Or he’d make new weapons that helped keep kids like Tony safe in their beds at night. Tony liked all of those things, but what he liked most of all was how his Dad was down here: attentive, happy, alive in a way he never really seemed to be anyplace else.

Today wasn’t exactly the same. Howard hadn’t planned on bringing Tony down to the shop, but one of his regular assistants had needed to go home to attend to his submissive. She was classified at a one, which meant sometimes she had very high needs. Most people talked about subs, especially subs classified that close to True status, in hushed, reverent tones. But when his Dad explained why Damien had had to leave, it didn’t sound like that. He sounded…sorta mad, or grossed out, maybe, like that time Tony had presented Mom with a collection of rare insects.

“Is it bad? To be a sub like Marnie?” For a long time Howard didn’t answer. And he did have a tendency to ignore questions he thought were beneath him, so Tony had already accepted it and moved on to thinking about something else when Howard sighed and put down the soldering iron he was using.

“Not…bad, but just. Well, remind me what you know about evolution, Tony.” Obediently, Tony spouted off everything he could remember about monkeys and Darwin and finches and natural selection. Howard gave no visible signs of approval (of course he didn’t, Tony was six, of course he should probably know more than this), but he didn’t yell or demand Tony leave the lab and return with a better answer, so it counted as somewhat of a victory. “Now, would you say it’s a desirable trait for people to need each other as much as True subs and Doms do, Tony? For them to not be able to function, for their muscles to stop responding to their brains and their minds to become frantic, just because they aren’t spending enough time in their headspace?”

Tony has long since learned that sometimes his Dad’s questions are a trap, and this definitely felt like one of those times. Because before now, Tony would have said he thought it sounded kind of nice, the way that different orientations worked together, making individuals stronger together than they were apart. The thought of knowing someone that way, being known in return, he was too young to really know much about the details of what it would entail, but as a concept, the notion that there might be someone out there like that for him had been a comforting fiction on the many days and nights he spent mostly on his own.

“No?” he guessed.

“Personally,” Howard continued as if Tony hadn’t spoken (a good sign his had been the right answer), “I think True subs and Doms are uncommon because orientation is a trait that’s just dying out. And in my book that’s a damn good thing. No one should have to rely on anyone like that. People…they disappoint each other. It’s what we do. We hurt each other and leave each other and end up in the bottom of the goddamn ocean, and…well, it’s just better to stand on your own two feet, boy.”

“What…what if when they test me…what if…” Tony trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. He didn’t want to grow up to be disappointed by someone! Or even worse, be a disappointment. He’d done plenty of that already. Howard laughed.

“What if you’re a True, you mean?” He nodded, and his Dad threw his head back and laughed again, already turning his attention back to his work. “Boy, you got nothin’ to worry about. There hasn’t been a Stark that’s been anything but a middle-scale Switch in decades.”

That, Tony told himself, was a relief.

just to vent into the void here; 

on the previous post about ppl being offput by a fave if mine...I love this character soso much and like also we are a shit ton alike... like I hardcore self project onto him and GET him cuz our personality and frequently our way of speaking and our handling mental illness is spot on the same. Hasnt always been the nicest or healthiest for either of us but being able to fix and reconcile and learn to handle it better through loving action w him made me happy for him and also had a certain level of self comfort because we basically the same bitch lol. And people were saying how they didnt like when he got into his dark place for a bit and it was 'uncomfy' or threw them off the character as a whole or made him 'problematic' or smth and I'm just here like "um ouch :*) " cuz thats me bitch lol and also like that image of the lady holding the grown man and telling ppl off for that character

And like not to make excuses for either of us but like I dont think he was problematic? Maybe cuz I understand on a personal level? Like he did some things that weren't very kind when he was hurting but they weren't that bad and he did it out of what he felt was necessity and apologized later??

And fr like that wasnt even so bad. He self isolated and told the player "Idc if it hurts your feelings, I cant be close with you" and to stop having feelings for him cuz he wasnt worth it. Like?????

And like once during a literal time crunch life or death situation while also in the heat of his darkest place and having had a lot of fuked up shit revealed to him he purposefully broke a little robot that wouldn't be quiet and that was his own property at the time... not the players... because he hadnt given it to the player yet (later he fixes it and gives it as a gift)

He kept tabs on where you were and got worried if he didnt see you because a man had literally just crashed through your window and tried to abduct you and would have succeeded if he hadnt gotten there just in time. And it was clear that none of this was over and theres a target on your back still. He wasn't being controlling or unreasonable he was trying to keep you safe from very real danger.

Yes he told you off for a bit once meeting face to face. Yes he told you your feelings toward him were wrong and he was going to keep blocking you out so stop trying and just move on with your life and forget him. And if you didnt your feelings would be hurt and that's your own fault cuz he told you to back off.

That wasnt nice if him but it was preserving his own vulnerable heart and also your safety. This character is not your average dude. His lifestyle is literally ACTUALLY deadly dangerous. Hes taught time and again he isnt allowed to have friends ir family let alone a lover. He eludes to the fact that they HAVE forced him to uproot everything and drop everyone and change his whole identity more than once. And due to his field of work people who are close to him can be used against him and are in literal life threatening danger by association. The chatroom was supposed to be arms distance enough but he got attached to everyone there anyways. And then you came and he fell for you hard. It wasnt ever supposed to happen that way so he went all weird and denied it out of panic and nessecity... once you were in danger he cared for you so he had to go help you and you met face to face which was WAY more than he ever intended to happen and also exposed him way more to catching deeper and deeper feelings. But here he was desperately trying to do damage control because he knows that people dear to him get hurt or killed. And he loves you.. so as much as it hurts he has to try to keep you away to keep you SAFE

All of this is literal... like not just that he thinks hes a bad person and will hurt you.... like literally you are in real physical danger from being associated with him. And this is evidenced and proved throughout the story. And he blames himself for ever even letting you interact with them but like... the poor boy is human jesus christ he needs connection he needs love. It's a mistake he beats himself up over. And so he tries to damage control and get you to move on and forget about him. It kills him the whole time and its evidenced the whole time that he hates having to do this.

And the whole time the worst he tells you is he doesn't care if you get a hurt heart because you wont leave him alone when he tells you to. (Spoiler alert.. that's a lie! He cares a lot but you need to be safe from involvement in his dangerous life)

And the whole time I noticed its actually even an EXCESSIVE thing he does(it's a nice thing tho) that he does nothing but call you a good and wonderful person who deserves happiness and that needs to be safe and keep living because you are so good and so bright and so kind

But him and his life will never allow your safety, so you cant be with him for your protection.

He never stops with how nice you are... how good you are... how much you need to be in this world and be safe because you add light to the world.

Even when hes being cold.. even when hes telling you off

It's always centered around this.

As well as that hes "a dangerous guy" and 'cant keep anything or anyone close'

Putting himself down and lamenting who and what he is.

The breakthrough comes when you finally see the extent of him and the struggles and danger he faces and still wear him down and tell him unwaveringly that: ok you see and understand the danger fully now and you dont care and you want to stick by him even if its dangerous because you love him. And that he doesnt have to go through life alone anymore cuz you'll be there for him no matter what.

And you have to wrestle away from him the notion of 'no I cant let her do this because I love her and want her to be able to live and be safe. It hurts being alone and id love to be able to be with her but I cant cuz if anything happened to her I'd never forgive myself and also she's so great she deserves a normal life where she doesn't have to worry.'

And you have to lovingly assert to him that he can think of himself too... that he doent have to go through life alone because you know the risks and you decided you want to be with him anyways because you love him. That you understand he wants you safe but that was your decision to make and you choose him no matter the dangers... that you will help him and go through it together as a team.

And he struggles because all his life he had to be the action taker, decision maker, and the protector (especially with his brother in childhood) but slowly comes around to the fact that you will be partners... shouldering the burden together while enriching each others lives. That he doesnt have to be the solitary protector of things and people he has come to love despite not having been supposed to in the first place... cuz hes HUMAN. That someone else has seen his situation and his soul laid bare and still said I love you and I'm going to stand with you through this. And learn to let go and let them in and let them share his burden despite being so afraid of doing so and afraid of what could happen to them as a result. Accepting that they made their decision and its theirs to make. And dealing with the fear as well as the relief and strange joy of FINALLY having someone in his life to love and be loved by and to go through things //together//

Like I just dont get how ppl can like tsunderes and even yanderes but then this character is like "pls no ppl get hurt with me and I care for you so you gotta stay away from me for your own good" and they're like... butthurt that he wasn't all peppy and sweet like usual because his life and everything he held dear was legit crumbling around him??? That someone with his past and his current job/living situation took a bit before he could open up and spill his guts to them??? At a job where.. to quote the game itself 'even an offhanded joke can get you killed' ??? Like yall are entitled to your opinions... and thank god this character is fictional or else that would be hella f-ed up of yall but... oof.

Glad I Came When I Did...

I came to Tumblr in July of last year, I had only been watching SPN since the March before, but I had watched everything from the beginning and was all caught up, and well into my rewatches when I got here, and I am so thankful that was the case. When I got here, and saw what many of you say about the show, characters, writers and show runners, I wondered what show you all are watching.  For one thing, the show wasnt “better” in the Kripke era, it was just different for the first 3 seasons, but that was just laying the foundation for what the show was building up to. Sure, it was nice to have just Sam and Dean in every episode and not muddied down with side characters, but this show literally being an epic, needed to get bigger. It wouldnt have lasted 13 years and counting,if it just stayed Sam and Dean hunting shifters and vampires. Season 4 changed everything, and keep in mind this was Kripke, not Gamble or Carver, we got Cas and other angels, it got darker and more personal when Dean went to Hell and was tortured and ended up breaking the first seal, and Sam was drinking demon blood and became addicted, and ultimately raising Lucifer, we learned that that the brothers were part of a big Heavenly plan, and even had Gospels written about them. The great battle of Armageddon would be fought by them! Had the story not exploded like that, the show never would have gotten a 6th season. So many of you just said “It never should have gotten a 6th season anyway” but youd sit there and whine for the next 2 years about how badly it ended. Sam sacrifces himself to save the world and ends up alone in the dark? Dean ends up with a chick he hardly knows? How does this make a good ending to such a great story?  Next, Dean is not an abusive masogynist, and Sam is not the pseudo-female that bends to Dean’s every whim. I’ll agree that Dean hit Sam too much in the early seasons (remember? back with it was “so much better”?) but Sam is a big guy and it was always a fair fight whenever he faught back, he just chose not to fight sometimes. Not because he’s afraid of Dean, but because its Sam’s nature to just not want to fight, Those of you who treat Sam like a battered wife from the 50s, or Stockholm syndrom gone wild, are just really projecting your political agenda on a show that wishes to not take part in ANY political agenda.  Sam and Dean fight. In any drama with brothers, they fight. Since early S7, Dean hasnt hit Sam without being under a supernatural influence, and no one seems to want to accept that that part of Dean has changed. Why? Because youre putting Sam in the battered wife position, where you would tell a battered wife, that the abusive husband wont ever change. Not where he SHOULD be, as a big, strong man, fully capable of kicking Dean’s ass if he wants to, but he doesnt because he loves Dean, and knows Dean loves him, even if he hasnt always known the right way to show it. 

On that same topic, Sam is not the female architype of this story, though sometimes a male/female formula is used. Normally however, Sam and Dean are Butch and Sundance or Luke Skywalker and Han Solo the way Kripke created these characters. Sam has feminine qualities, and so does Dean, but all men do, and all women have some masculine qualities.... thats just being realitic. I am just as tired of hearing about Dean’s “Toxic masculity” as I am about hearing that Sam is a woman with a penis... well, we’ve never been shown he has one, so a woman with facial hair? I dont know.... but feminize either of them in your fan fic if thats what youre into, but don’t write it into the show, when that’s not what the show is telling us.  Neither Sam nor Dean are bisexual, and I dont care if Sam has never said he’s straight, or if he sumonned a male crossroads demon, or Dean and Cas breathed the same air, or Dean made a mix tape. After 12 yrs, if neither of these boys have canonically dated a man, we can safely assume they never will. Even if Wincest was canon, it wouldnt mean they have any interest in men aside from each other.  Sam gets blamed for a lot, he does, but not everything all the time and Dean never blamed Sam for anything (after S4) that he didnt blame himself for too. in S5 Fallen Idols, Dean reminds Sam that he broke the first seal, and tells Sam he couldnt have known killing Lilith was a bad thing, In S8 when Dean tells Sam what things he could confess, he isnt throwing blame on him, but acknowledging that these werent good things, and may need confessing.... ignorance is no excuse for the law right? And Dean puts blame on them both for releasing the Darkness. In my time of watching this show, free from Tumblr, never once did Sam come off as stupid, evil, or less important than Dean. Either in the show or where the writing was concerned.  Dean may asstert himself as the boss or the leader, and most of the time, he is the leader, and thats alright, theyre a team, it doesnt minimize Sam at all, he has said basically he prefers to follow because it’s easier than leading, but he certainly can lead when necessary. Dean is the infantry and Sam is the tank. Thats not making one greater than the other, thats stratagy. But as far as being Sam’s boss, look again.... Dean barks orders at Sam sometimes, but Sam gives orders subtly, he tells Dean to stop, he stops, he gives him a bitch face, he stops, he puts his hand out, Dean doesnt get cake, he says “dont kill him” Dean doesnt kill him, Sam flashes puppydog eyes and gets basically whatever he wants. Sometimes Dean defies Sam, and sometimes Sam defies Dean... see that? The narative does not favor Dean over Sam. Again, I state that Sam has never looked weak or stupid or habitually wrong in my time of watching. A few times Dean says “Im always right” but that doesnt mean he is written to be always right. Its just a Dean thing. Dean is not the “fav” of the writers because he has more speaking lines either. Sam is a quiet character, and since Jared isnt comfortable with long monologues, that works out pretty good. Sam has more personafications than Dean, more pain and affliciton... this isnt “HEY WE HATE SAM SO LETS MAKE HIM SUFFER!! HAHAHAHA!!” This is showcasing how well Jared acts pain, or takes on a different personality. This doesnt put Dean/Jensen down, his strong points are comedic parts, making long dialogue not sound boring, and showing full emotion while still being able to speak clearly. Put these exceptional talents together and it makes for 2 awesome main characters that are defined individuals and not mirrors of each other, and yet they stay similar enough to be believable brothers, best friends, and soulmates. I dont begrudge anyones opinion on anything It’s yours, you have it, and I respect it, but it appears that a lot of you are wasting your time on a show you hate, that goes against everything you stand for, and treats your favorite actor/character like a meaningless extra, and sadly, some are following you and theyre not having their own experience, they’re living yours. I cant tell you how often I hear someone hasnt watched a certain episode, or a certain season because Tumblr people hated it, so they thought it not worth it. and I have to explain that Tumblr people hate everything, and mostly wont ever be happy with the show unless whatever ship they ship becomes canon, which none of them will. So may I suggest, lighten up. take the show at face value, dont sit there, arms crossed, phone in hand waiting to meta on something you want to be there that isnt, and just laugh and love and cry with the rest of us :)