#im just never getting over her am I???
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Friends breakup friends get married strangers get born and strangers get buried trends change rumors fly through new skies but IM RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT ME FOR REAL
#right where you left me#taylor swift#im just never getting over her am I???#not to be dramatic (to be absolutely fucking dramatic)#I had a dream about her again last night and god it’s haunted me since#she went to my orchestra concert that is tomorrow and we argued#and we both cried and then I was like ‘so tell me did you feel the same way about me though?’#and she said yes#she said she loved me :(#but she hated me after what I did#this was. five years ago now#anyway#I knew you’d haunt all of my what ifs#did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion#she’s still 23 in her fantasy#like it was supposed to be :(#and in my dreams I’ll be touching your face#it would’ve been fun if you would’ve been the 1#Christ almighty#I am feeling gay and depressed in this Chili’s tonight#I love you buspar but I hate you for these dreams it felt SO real
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I really wish we knew more about Laufey in Norse myth
Because like
HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT WHATS HAPPENING TO HER SON? WHAT WILL HAPPEN?
Like does she mourn him for what has been done? Scorn and pretend he doesnt exist because of what he will do?
WHAT DOES SHE FEEL?
The fact that Loki uses her name instead of Farbauti's interests the fuck out of me
#im gonna write a poem of her mourning him#norse myth#norse mythology#wolffox speaks#loki mythology#Laufey diety#never ever getting over the fact that there has been a fuck ton of shit we dont know about certain pantheons#and im not even a Norse pagan and im sad/angy about it#tho i am a celtic/greek pagan so technically its happened to my dieties too#because old Christians either rewrote it or destroyed it#no offence to the christians here i just have religious trauma#and the destruction of any information about mythos makes my mythology nerd heart die inside
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i should have never dated an iranian person like i told myself i would never do it bc it would be too much intensity all in one place and i was RIGHT now that i've experienced it (smn who can engage in poetry in a similar way, talk in the same language, making all the cultural stuff gay and hot, etc) i feel like without those aspects things will just be missing Something like from now on . idk . let's drink black tea w saffron and then make out . i've never celebrated the solar new year or leapt over a fire the wednesday before or read romantic hafez poetry w someone who loves me romantically and now i crave it . so much
#maybe this is less the case if the person im dating has their own culture that theyre involved in and i can share in it#she basically said she only dates middle eastern ppl when we first met and i was like . huh?? and she said u can just never go back#and i thought that was silly but 🥴 yeah#anyway i am going to Perish The Thought even tho now my perspective on dating west asian ppl has changed forever#in that i would like to do it more . im still not going to like . limit myself etc etc im sure its just bc im still getting over her#one time i dated a japanese person who was super involved in their culture etc etc and it felt . different but similar#so maybe it rly is just wanting to date smn who is involved in their culture its just super extra bonus points if theyre west asian#and even more bonus points if theyre iranian (we will have a beautiful romance and end up killing each other tho)
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Comte Election Story, 6th Anniversary Event (JPN 2023)
I managed to get Comte's collection story during the 6th year anniversary event in the JPN version of the game. As usual, my translation skills are rudimentary at best, so this is just a rough/general sense of the contents. Rest of the translation is below the cut:
Sweet and lovely, our everyday life is irreplaceable. After becoming a vampire, I’ve lived with him forever like this. I seek out more and more of the man I love than anyone else--
Comte: Good morning, MC. You’re up very early today.
I went down to the dining room a few hours before dawn--only to find Comte nursing a teacup gracefully at one end of the table.
MC: Good morning. I managed to wake up somehow…how about you?
Comte: Actually, I just got back.
When I asked, he told me that the host of the party started talking to him all night, and they didn’t part ways until after midnight.
Comte: I was going to finish this cup of tea to unwind, and then try to rest til noon.
He runs a hand through his freshly washed hair and brings the cup to his mouth in a series of elegant gestures that makes me fall in love with him all over again. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve been up all night, but my heart readily starts beating faster.
Even Comte seems to notice my reaction…
Comte: …looking at me like that, are you seducing me?
Comte's eyes narrowed mischievously and he left his cup behind to approach me. A beautiful beast gazed at me as if to take aim at his prey, and he drew me in with supple hands.
MC: I didn’t intend it that way but…it’s true that I'm captivated. Your damp hair and lovely gestures are so sexy that I’m at a loss…
Comte: Saying such a thing…you’re a naughty woman, MC. Even though I tried to quell my ardor with a cold shower and hot tea...I’m glad to hear it, even though I’m far from calm.
When I raised my head--having looked down in bashful embarrassment--I can see burgeoning in Comte’s eyes an indisputable, feverish desire…
MC: Ah, mm…
His soft lips playfully brushed against the nape of my neck.
Comte: No one else would be awake at this hour…though we could be interrupted any moment. Make sure to keep your voice down.
He chuckled a little before a hot sigh caressed my skin, dropping kisses one after another. He circled around the usual place he’d sink his fangs into me, and every brush of his lips made heat gather low in my body…
MC: So impatient…Abel…
Comte: …I’ve been waiting for you to give it to me
The corners of his lips lifted a little, before he buried his fangs into my neck.
MC: Mn, ah…aaaahh…
Comte: I love you so much...and whenever we aren't together, I’m starved of you. We were miles apart all night yesterday. I’ll show you just how much I missed you.
His voice--half-intoxicated with the ecstasy of my blood--was sweet and husky with his desire.
Comte: Before you, I’m always a love-starved beast.
As I gaze into those eyes burning with emotion, an electric sensation tingles down my spine.
(Ah, I’m just the same. It’s not only my heart, my body is always seeking you out too.)
MC: Me too…all day and night, I’m always thinking about you…
Comte: --Come here. Take as much of me as you want
At his encouragement and incitement, I sink my fangs into him.
MC: ah, ha…
Pleasure washes over me in an endless cascade, every sensation in my body heightened and sharp. I clenched my hands tighter through his wet hair, and dug my fangs into him greedily to devour that wellspring of ecstasy.
Comte: I'm happy to be able to share love with you like this, as a vampire.
Like drops of water moistening desiccated earth, every crimson drop fills us to the brim--
#ikevamp#ikemen vampire#ikevamp saint germain#ikevamp comte#ikevamp mc#comte propaganda#if you can't already tell from the contents of this one--i straight up died after reading it#THE IMPLICATIONS. FOAMING AT THE MOUTH.#the way they're both dancing around it. MC trying to be strong and endure properly (girl same) and. comte.#THE WAY COMTE BASICALLY STARTS SHAKING HIS ASS LIKE ONE OF THOSE BIRDS OF PARADISE. I AM UNWELL (AND ECSTATIC).#THE WAY HE WANTS HER TO WANT HIM AS INTENSELY/DESPERATELY AS HE DOES HER. THE WAY HE RELISHES HER BITING HIM HARD.#IM NEVER GONNA RECOVER FROM THIS ONE#ive legit just been that ace attorney meme with phoenix holding his head in his hands for DAYS#dare i even mention 'make sure to keep your voice down.' SIR. SIR ARE YOU SRS RN#man the way in purple moon event he was like 'oh nooooo haha no hank pank in public where we might get caught that's too inappropriate~ owo#I SEE YOU ABEL. I SEE YOU MONSIEUR LE COMTE DE SAINT GERMAIN.#I SEE THAT U SIT UPON A THRONE OF L I E S#i hope whoever writes comte as unhinged as possible over at jpn cybird gets a god damn raise#i have never in my life been so directly catered to in one chara i swear#'loved-starved beast' ILL DO YOU ONE BETTER COMTE JUST LET ME IN. LET ME IIIIIIIIN!!!!!!#straight up ive said it before and ill say it again#that's my emotional support softcore yan meow meow golden retriever#every event im like 'hope this doesn't awaken anything inside me.' and then immediately its just 'failed step one.'#although all jokes aside i do find it endlessly fascinating about the purebloods how like#while they don't experience as much bloodlust there is this acute sense of biting as a vital expression of romantic interest and/or claim#i dont think its a throwaway line that comte says at the end--id actually argue a lot of his desire for intimacy when she's human (cont.)->#is because he feels a level of insecurity in his connection to her caused by the lack of shared/reciprocated biting#you know now that has me wondering if that's part of why other purebloods frown so heavily upon the idea of a pureblood/human couple#basically because they can't fulfill the most basic tenet of what it means to be coupled in that community's perception#yeesh ikevamp really went 'welcome to normative vampire politics' and im like 'I Am So Normal About This. (lie + analyzes)'
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:(
#i literally feel VIOLENTLY ill at the fact the hospital handled my mum’s passing so badly that her funeral is exactly ONE MONTH after it#i’ll forever be furious and angry and hurt and traumatised by the way they handled it#like A MONTH#it should not be happening this long after#and it’s her birthday on sunday so maybe i’m just feeling ten times worse because of that#but it’s not fair#it’s never gonna be fair#why the FUCK did she get taken from me like this#and then having to be the only one who knew about her funeral plans bc she only told me#and then everybody including my dad tells me how strong i am#IM NOT STRONG!!?!!?!??!?#i’m a girl who needs her mama. i’m just a girl who is so lost and confused and needs her mama#i literally want 2 die#tw death#i turned my tv off and immediately started crying bc i felt like the worst person in the world#did i not love her enough#should i have been better to get#*her#idk i just want her to know i adored her#and i need to hear her voice and get a hug#one of the last things she said to me was ‘i love you more’ well i love you most so how about that#tw grief#i am never getting over losing her#please . feel free to let me rant i just feel like i can’t talk to my dad or family bc like idk .#i always talked to my mum about my emotions and well! that can’t happen anymore lmfao 😭#i just need a place to vent the HELL out of my feelings bc i am not going back to therapy
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22 May, a day before my birthday, today - A doctor looked me in the eyes with a a smile, and said "Guess what? You are going to get Testosteron."
After 6 years of waiting, after 16 years of thinking something is weird with me, and at the age of 26, I finally got on T.
I cannot remember once in my life in which I've started to cry out of happiness.
But the moment those words hit me, I couldn't stop laughing and crying.
Thank you for everyone who has supported me to get here.
#nekro.art#nekro.sona#transmasc#ftm#my pronouns are they/them or he/him#i am a transmasc nonbinary#its been a super long road to get here with ups and downs#because being diagnosed with 'nonbinary' rather than 'transexual man' has put quite a few restrictions on me#but at least#im finally on T#the doctor i got was so sweet she was wonderful#i got to hug her and my mother and im just#i havent felt happiness like this over something that has to do with my own body#ever#never ever did i even think i would react like this#but hearing those words from her made it so real all of a sudden#im almost crying again just writing this
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Been seein some rather cold takes about Daisy lately…
I’ve seen some people say that she has no personality outside of fanon, but that’s just not true. There is a very very common misconception among the fandom (at least that I’ve noticed) that if a character doesn’t appear in a “mainline” game, then they have no personality. But I’d argue that the spinoffs actually offer waaaaay more in terms of looking into character personalities. And no, I’m not talking about the RPGs ala M&L and Paper Mario as those are obviously full of personality (and Daisy isn’t in those). I’m talking about the Party, Kart, Tennis, and other sports games.
Yes, Daisy hasn’t appeared in any mainline game since her debut, but she’s been in nearly every sports game and her traits, stats, abilities, victory/loss animations, and various other tiny details add up to her personality. The fact that she’s nearly always yelling or just speaking really loud in general (noticeably more than any other character), the fact that she constantly feels a need to say her name and make herself known, how she loves flowers and considers even a small patch of flowers worth protecting, how she’s easily bored by tasks that don’t excite her and isn’t so reliable for them. She tends to jump around a lot, and spin and dance around when she’s excited! She’s apparently a rather fast runner and that is considered her specialty! These are all traits that are displayed in the spinoffs, and there’s probably soooo many more that I just can’t remember right now.
Now, I do think her tomboyish nature is probably fanon, as I don’t really remember seeing anything to show that she acts that way in the games. I think people probably think she’s tomboyish due to how loud and energetic she is. But hey, there’s plenty of fanon for just about any character from any fandom out there. And what’s so wrong with that? Isn’t the whole point of making fanworks to expand on the framework already provided by canon? If we want to stick to what’s actually “canon” then nearly everything the fandom has created would have to be tossed, because there really isn’t much to work with. Fanworks and fandoms thrive on what fans can create based on the canon work, not just sticking to it perfectly.
It’s fine if you think the “fanon” Daisy outshines the “canon” Daisy and you dislike that. But to say that she has no personality aside from fanon interpretations just tells me that you have a very narrow idea of what counts as “canon” in an already rather simplistic world. The Mario games are very simple and straightforward without much consistent lore that actually makes sense cohesively, but the characters are what keep everything tied together despite that. The characters are nearly always consistent, and that includes Daisy. Even when the setting is completely different and some random new villain shows up with some random new power source to steal or species to torment, our same well-known lovable characters will be the center of the story and that’s what makes it fun!
#devin speaks#super mario bros#princess daisy#i mightve gotten a bit too personal with my views of canon vs fanon but i still think it needs to be said#people who argue over what is considered canon in a video game series are so funny to me#especially a series like mario that has expanded soooo far from its original premise#its different than a show or movie since most shows will finish their main story before delving into spinoffs#most of the mainline games are literally just bowser kidnapped the princess and mario has to save her#very few of them offer any insight to personality of anyone#that isn’t to say theres none at all but i still think the party kart and sports games offer waaay more#of course everyone is entitled to their own opinions and if you dislike daisy or think shes boring then whatever you do you#i am simply sharing my opinion as well :)#sorry time to be salty real quick#literally the entirety of waluigis personality comes from the spin offs but no one talks about him???#he is literally in the same boat as daisy but i never see anyone saying they dislike him for his ‘fanon personality’#really makes you think#people rag on peach for ‘having no personality’ too but hers shines through the spinoffs as well#and even the rpgs!! shes actually in those and has multiple voicelines and cutscenes and people *still* say she has no personality!#i know this is about daisy but gosh mario ladies in general are treated rather poorly unless theyre eye candy#im glad rosie debuted in a mainline game with a clearly given backstory spoon fed to the player so she doesnt get this treatment lol
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i think it's really interesting that morgott names all of his "willful traitor" family in his boss fight cutscene and yet leaves messmer out, despite him seeming to be so overwhelmingly coded as The Quintessential Traitor. like, is it that
morgott considers messmer (again, heavily associated with snakes and fire, the specific symbolic enemies of the erdtree, and managed to get his whole throne removed) such a traitor that he refuses to even speak his name
morgott actually does not consider messmer a traitor (they do appear to share similar motives, and we have no real evidence of messmer participating in the shattering war, which is morgott's chief complaint about everyone else)
he's naming shardbearers who participated in the shattering war, specifically (godrick gets included) and messmer doesn't have a great rune/wasn't a part of the shattering, so whatever else aside he was irrelevant to the point morgott was making
none of the above; morgott doesn't even know messmer exists (very possible that messmer was born+grew up+got [???] while the omens were in the sewer and they just completely missed each other) so he's just like ah yes. malenia. miquella. that one inexplicable empty space. radahn.
#the nemesis speaks#sorry i know it's been 24/7 nonstop eldenring hours over here. im just. im rotating it.#the out of universe explanation is obviously that naming him in a mandatory cutscene would have given the entire thing away#but that's not really that interesting#anyway fuck im so excited for this guy in the dlc. i am already all about him from the like 30sec of dialogue we have#also hey why do two other shardbearers just. not have thrones. but godrick of all people gets one#did godrick steal or inherit godwyn's throne...?#i guess rennala doesn't have one bc she's not a shardbearer it's just her egg. and they don't give thrones to eggs i guess#and mohg WAS very much Not Wanted in the lineage so him being blacklisted makes sense#(since morgott also sits on the leyndell throne and not one of the illusory golden ones suggesting he never got one either)
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how i feel about TBYS causing a shockwave effect of everyone dogpiling on and harassing Illymation and spreading extremely easily disprovable and malicious misinformation about her and putting her in a lot of danger for literally no legitimate reason
#big rant in the tags incoming hold on to your hats:#i swear drama commentary youtubers are actually some of the most dense people on the fucking planet#like holy SHIT i have never seen a bigger display of collective stupidity than every drama commentary grifter harping on illy based on shit#-she didn't even say that they heard from a guy who sounds like budget ben shapiro. how are you that dense. like how. actually how.#it's just a big stupid game of idiot telephone with how much basic shit people are getting wrong because they heard it whispered from-#-another person. istg if i have to see ONE more person say that ''oh but she's encouraging obesity'' ''oh but she said [thing she literally#-didn't say]!!!'' im going to SCREAM. i am going to throw my phone against the wall if i see one more malicious misinterpretation of a-#-basic statement that even a fucking doorknob could understand with more grace and nuance than these idiots#i swear to god this is all so STUPID#drama commentary youtube is where basic reading comprehension and common sense go to die. it is the 10th circle of internet hell-#-just below 4chan.#anyway rant over glad i got that out of my system.#i hope illy is doing well and that she and her partner and her cats are safe <3#sorry for being so angry. this whole situation literally makes my blood boil and i'm so upset that an innocent person got put in danger-#-because of some nerd emoji sounding wackass blatantly lying about her and being a dickhead#this is the first and last post i'll ever make about internet drama (unless something really REALLY funny happens) i just needed an outlet-#-to scream into for a few minutes#drama commentary youtubers delete their entire channels and leave the internet right now challenge#shitpost#youtube drama
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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havin the weirdest crisis of my life
#this is like. did related so im gonna sound completely uh#what’s the word. odd and shit for a sec okay? okay#so I’ve been here. hi im cheri silver yknow me for about 20 years total but jay used to front for years when we were in middle school#im not the. original host I guess but I’ve been around since#we were in the early single digits and never left#so im the host right? I existed to go thru the Trauma#but. it’s been my life for so long. my parents don’t know Her#they’ve only known me#but like. we’re finally starting to let go of that trauma#errr not let go but make peace with it. and we’ve been holding onto it for so long. I’ve been holding on to it for so long#but.. who am I without it? like yes that’s my trauma but also. is my purpose over?? is that why we haven’t been able to draw?#I’ve been the host for 20 years this is my life#my friends my gf my life my hobbies it’s mine not anyone else’s#I let others take the wheel when I can’t (or they forcibly do it for me) and jays been gone for like 3 years he only came back because I’ve#been being traumatized everyday recently. but like. will I have to go too??#reintergration is not really our goal. never has been but like#if we do. will I be here or will She come back? we’ve had false alarms before but it’s mostly been decided that it’s my front my life#maybe im just triggered all the time and that’s why I feel extra out of it#less myself#New Traumas are happening to us everyday#but yeah. I dont talk abt this aspect of my life much but it’s so scary to think about#I’ll talk to Chevy when they get off of work tomorrow abt it if it’s still like. freaking me out#I am me. we are a bunch of niggas but I am me.#did niggas when the identity disorder makes them dissociate smh#😫
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Minor thing that really irks me is when people treat the femc route in p3 portable as like the lesser story or like it’s a fanfic where nothing that happens in it is the “true” canon like. Bitch. The femc and everything that happens in her version of the story is just as canon as the male protagonist and everything that happens in his story. And there’s literally been so many fucking versions of p3 at this point like the base game, fes, portable, the movies, stage plays, reload, as well as spinoffs and manga and they all do things differently. I don’t see anyone acting like the base game is more canon than, say, reload so why do they do this with portable? Why can’t the (infinitely superior) version with the female protagonist just be respected for five fucking minutes goddamn
#persona#persona 3#kotone shiomi#its the misogyny yay#but god i am so tired of her game being treated as not actually canon like it literally is#theres multiple canons dipshit there is no true version of this game#and also people saying she doesnt fit the theme or some shit like. she literally does??? and honestly she does it better#like you can really feel the love she brings to the group and how she gives everything life and helps everyone#but also just how it all comes with pain she smiles and befriends everyone but shes always been so deeply alone and she doesnt want anyone#to feel the pain shes felt and so she carries all those burdens on her own and when everyone goes to reach out for her#its too late far too late shed sacrifice herself over and over for these people and theyll never once see her cry#she also you know. actually has good social links and gets to know everyone not just people she wants fuck#so you get to see just infinitely better versions of every character with her she really does bring out the best in them#and another thing in particular with the disrespect of her story is the way shinji living is treated again just like#some kinda fanfic au by someone who didnt wanna cope with their blorbo dying like ughh#shinji surviving is just as canon as him dying there is an entire canon where he gets a happy ending and it is once again#much better than versions where he dies like ive. exhausted myself with explaining it but its just better#so yeah basically out of spite i like acting like kotones story is actually the one true canon#and when people mention stuff that isnt in her story im like ‘huh? what? that didnt happen’#cuz whos gonna stop me
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Sakura gets a second point for being the first to complete the tree climbing at being better at chakra control, but at the same time it just feels like she was made good at it so no extra training segment time would have to be put into her getting good at it and it can be all about Sauce and Nart. Idk that feels too pessimistic but also could totally be true.
#she takes on a very 'obsever' role. like kashi is the teacher watching over them. but sock is the watching and commenting from the same#perspective of nart and sauce and also the viewer unlike kashi. cuz he provides a lot of exposition and whatnot in his inner monolgues#and its like. of course the girl is just the observer who watches alongside us as the two main boys grow and develop#AND I DONT WANNA FUCKIN BE PESSIMISTIC ABOUT THIS BUT GOD ITS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!#but her whole character so far is 'i hate the class clown. im book smart. i diet and im in love'#and the way i see it is. 12yo girl TRYING to fit into the femininity she sees in the world around her so she forces herself to be like this#but she has inner sock who speaks what she really feels showing that she puts on quite a front and isnt really much like that at all#and you expect her to grow into wanting her to truly define herself. and she does with getting stronger and training under tsunade and#learning medical ninjutsu so she really finds a spot for herself. she does!!! but then she KEEPS hanging onto the love nonsense#and admittedly there are moments that push a very obvious trope of thinking she likes sauce cuz hes cool but finding out that the real 'gem'#is nart so i definitely understand where n@rus@kus are coming from#but then she just STICKS with sauce until its the worst ship possible and its an utter mess of 'ill never give up on him'#EVEB DESPITE HIM TRYING TO KILL HER!!! THEN THAT FUCKING WORKS OUT!?!?!?#AND TOO THIS DAY SAUCE STILL NEVER COMES OFF LIKE HE ACTUALLY LOVES HER#IM SORRY BUT ITS TRUE. SARD WE ARE GETTING YOU BETTER PARENTS. ON GOD!!!!!#so she just hangs on to this one little thing that she SHOULD have gotten development for to move on from BUT IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENS#so its like half her development never fucking happens and thats why it#s such a fuckinf mess!!!!!#i fucking hate this show. i need to go back to watching mike's dino game vod. what am i doing here?????#i did this to myself btw. i didnt need to start yelling about that but thats just how it is with nart#start thinking about something good and then it reminds you of something related thats bad and now its like. yeah this shit sucks#remember when kishi said he regretted not making hina the heroine???? we could have lived in a better timeline.#but if i say that i will get assassinated#anyway.#sock count#personal
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“the iterator is a whole structure not just its puppet” yes but have you considered i want to take them by the hand and lead them to see the sunrise for the first time, high above the clouds where the rains can’t hurt us, and they can see the dawn of a new day illuminate the cans of their brothers and sisters in colors they’ve never seen before
i just think worm off the string is a little neat… im self aware and know this wouldnt make sense in reality but i just think that.🧍
#rain world#rain world iterator#stal shitposts#shitpost#im only half joking i just think maybe i want to take five pebbles by the hand and show him the sunrise 1 (one) time and perhaps maybe#he would reconsider committing rot#taking moon and gently guiding her from her corpse and showing her the wonder that is the beginning of a new cycle because she#deserves something good for once#taking both of them and leading them towards outer expanse and showing them. gourmand#gourmand can make ghem food#ignore the fact that they dont have mouths just pretend that they can eat and are happy ok#they can be the weird metal slugcats of the colony#its 4 am and i am sad over calculators never getting to see the sky#5 am actually#god i need to be awake in 3 hours im so fucked
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venting dont mind me xp ✌
#if i dont get out of my parents house im going to die#either by my hand or my mothers#i refuse to be forced into the role of woman becuz my mother cant get over herself or accept other peoples suffering#so i either leave or i die#i am never more depressed than when im in this house and it gets worse everytime i return#every second of oeace is a facade careful held up by smiles and jokes while ignoring who i am to please others#and ignorjng the genuinely genocidal beliefs of my parents against myltple peoples#at least one of which includes me#why cant life be easy#when is it .y turn to tbrive#in this hluse i am no older than a middle schooler no more mature or happy#everyday i dream of relapsing sh-ing just for some control of the pain i experiemce something anything#maybe someone will finally listen to me and se ehow ioset i am see how smothered i am and the sting will pull me back down to earth again#but no who would see would understand#my brothers or my parents none of them would kniw why even if i said it to thwir face#i dint event even want to think of what my mother woukd say#shed use it as an excuse to further deny my transness surely#say how horribke and spirtful and manipulative i am against her#that i ddi it to hurt her#i am trapped as a doll in a house only allowed to be agreeable no politics no emotions other tan#contentness and love and adoration for my family#or else i am unloveavle and horrible and sick#i cannot tell my mom she has uoset me becuz it would be unfair i am silent instead#i am to take her anger and rage as a perfect recepticle and no matter how well i handle it#i am thanked with resentment amd scorn amd terfisms#i can neither disagree woth her beliefs nor avoid discussing them to keeo the oeace all she wants is comoliance#i refuse to do that tho ill take hee scorn on that one thing i refuse to xomprimise my beliefs verbally to save my own skin#ill just be quiet#im sure id be a better recepticle for her dead so she can dress me up as a girl one last time#the dead cant argue or disagree with you its everything she wants from me
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it's always crazy that my first thought about the end of the world or escaping or having to flee is: god i hope i die
does that make me a coward? i don't see myself living through fleeing if an earthquake collapses our house or something just please end it
being told everything is weird and unprecedented and that they're preparing for something just please i don't want to live through another global catastrophic event just let me die man
with my health problems already it's a struggle enough to get up and live i can't imagine bejng in a real crisis if my body is already taking this as a sign im going tk die
do i like how reactive i feel when ppl talk about the possible catastrophe of earthquakes or eclipses or preparing for some unknown something to happen? no. i don't like the fear and the immediate "i need to kill myself or ill suffer unknown tragedies" maybe ive read too much apocalypse fiction where the world ends and factions split and people run rampid
because i know im not built to survive it. im not and i cant. i don't want to live in fear again by the powers over me I don't want to be subject to cruelty and horror
#eughh. im not doing too hot. armageddon plus bad work day plus religious parent living in house until further notice equals metal screeching#brain is sobbing and writhing in trauma and fear im a little kid again waiting for the world to end but this time im not praying for safety#im staring up hoping its quick#i am spiralingggg oh gosh#took just a few minutes of talking to her and hearing “we need to be prepared and there's a x in the sky and they're spraying chem trails”#can't start crying like a bitch about it grow up hya don't melt into hysterics you dumb fuck you're never not gonna be suicidal but at least#get the fuck over it stuff it down or whatever#bunspeaks
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