Ch 47 sneak peek 👀

Hello and happy winter* festivities** all!

*summer for southern hemisphere **normal day for those without festivities right now

I'm hoping to finish Ch 47 before 2024, but wanted to share a lil sneak peek! Everything below is subject to change, of course, but as of now Ch 47 will be told from Rodimus's point of view.

In case I don't see you again til 2024, wishing you all a very happy seasonally appropriate greeting! All the very best! Excerpt beneath the cut >D

Rodimus awoke in a tangle of tentacles. He stretched, careful to avoid scratching Soundwave's visor. “Mmmm.” He wiggled and settled down against the smooth protoform of Soundwave's body. Soundwave didn't stir.

The low hums and cyclical pumping of the Lost Light's utilities were louder here than in Rodimus's room, courtesy of the torn walls. The sheeny curtain had pulled back, revealing little crystals glowing faintly in their nooks and crannies. With soft metallic ssshhhks, Soundwave's tentacles repositioned themselves around Rodimus. They always moved so their cool sides coiled against him. Rodimus wasn't sure if they got too hot when touching him, or if they liked being warm and moved to distribute his heat evenly.

Rodimus traced a burned section of tentacle with a fingertip. Its metal was darkened and marred by tiny ripples. The segments were offset, preventing the tentacle from coiling properly. It bent into a soft corner. A rounded corner.

Rodimus snerked to himself.

It wasn't really a laughing matter. Rodimus gently pet the darkened metal. Its tiny ripples caught in the mechanisms of his palm. He'd dealt this damage. He felt bad about it. But... not guilty. Soundwave didn't deserve to be burned. But Rodimus wouldn't fault himself for his body's defenses.

Besides, Ratchet had a plan to fix it. They were gonna fix it, just like they'd fixed the holes in his chest, and they'd both be good as new.

"A virus.”

“Compassion.”

“I only want yours.”

Rodimus grinned to himself. No one had believed him when he'd said Soundwave would find his place. Hell, there were times when he barely believed it. But he'd done it. He, Rodimus, proud co-captain of the Lost Light, had shown this emotionally-starved, devastatingly loyal Decepticon there was another way. A better way. And now Soundwave was flourishing. He had friends, and a really weird but wonderful hobby, and tendrils that could leave a mech gasping in pleasure. And holy hell, Rodimus never would have thought that last thing was a thing, let alone it could be true, let alone he'd be the mech gasping.

“Preferred: Rodimus, happy.”

The grin faltered. Of course Rodimus was- well, he was happier. That was good. And of course his new bedmate would want him happy. That made total sense. That's what a good friend would want. What a lover would want.

What a lover would-

Rodimus wrenched himself from that train of thought. He scanned the room, desperate to distract himself. The desk was cluttered, projecting a dim data cascade in Soundwave's native cyphers. The makeshift shelves were crammed full of random tools and crystals. Bare wiring poked through in places, backdropped by shadowy pipes and conduits.

It was barely recognizable as Drift's room.

Maybe it never had been.

…

Oh, it had been. It definitely had been. And he'd been on this bed before, tangled up in limbs, feeling serene. Feeling at peace. Feeling like the mech beside him was a beacon, and for the first time since their initial jump, he could see where he wanted to go.

That bright and gentle feeling tightened in his chest.

No! Shut up! It's not happening again!

Rodimus knew he should get up for his own good. But his frame would not obey. He found himself burrowing harder into Soundwave, willing that cool body to shield him from those memories. Beat them away. Bury them. Better still, forge new ones. He wanted – he hated that he wanted – Soundwave woven into the fabric of his reality. Heavy in his arms and weighty against his plating. Too weird and wonderful to be washed away by the tides that pushed and pulled at Rodimus.

Soundwave stirred. His visor onlined with a flash. It displayed a rapid pulse. “Rodimus: agitation?”

Rodimus's field perked up out of habit, ready to push the concern aside. Dammit. Soundwave always knew when he was lying through his field. He didn't like it.

“False field express-”

“It was automatic. I didn't mean it.” Rodimus shoved the false cheer away. His true feelings seeped out. He couldn't hide them, but that didn't mean he had to explain them, either.

Soundwave's tentacles snapped up, tendrils sampling the air. “Rodimus: afraid? Danger in vicinity?”

“No,” said Rodimus. He parted the sheeny curtain and pushed himself off the bed. “Old thoughts. Don't worry about it.”

A tentacle wound around his arm. “Rodimus: needs...?”

“Breakfast.” Rodimus pulled away. The tentacle's biolights slid under his fingers, one by one. Blue light peeked between the bevels of his joints. “Why don't you sit with Nautica and Blaster today? We don't want people getting suspicious.”

The tentacle retreated. “Affirmative.”

Rodimus returned to his room via their secret door. He gave himself a big smile in the washroom mirror. A big, huge, totally happy smile accompanied by a forceful spoiler raise. Rodimus scrubbed faint, dark paint marks from his plating and polished his biolights. The glass of his body dulled when pressed against Soundwave's for hours. Rodimus didn't bother to wonder why. The explanation was always dimension stuff.

Wow. It’s been forever. I look at this account that I made in my teenage years and I see a different person, not a good or a bad person, but a young me who had very different ideas about life and who I was. I have learned so much since then.

*deep breath* I don’t know if anyone remembers me or if anyone will even see this message. I posted a lot about MBTI here on Tumblr around 2014–2016, specifically trying to clear up some misconceptions about MBTI or how it works. I haven’t thought about MBTI in a long time. My world used to revolve around MBTI — it was the lens in which I viewed people in a time when I struggled to understand myself and others.

I grew up in a very strict, hyper-surveillanced Christian household and was only able to socialize in specific approved-of Christian social circles. My world was suffocatingly small, and I never really felt that I fit into it. Tumblr was a gateway to a larger world, where diversity existed and could flourish without having to duck and cover for safety. It was here that I learned about everything that was kept away from me: science, sexuality, gender, history, race, culture… the list goes on and on. Tumblr could not provide me everything I had to learn, but its community helped me be curious about what else there was out there that I desperately wanted to reach and be a part of.

In 2016, I left my family and small community in California to go to college in Washington state. For the first time, I could go wherever I wanted without needing anyone’s approval, and my life was my own to dictate. I struggled to learn what it meant to think for myself and allow myself to feel emotions without feeling guilty. Sometimes it feels like an angry God looms over me, but most of the time, I struggle with self-hatred.

I studied at the University of Oxford for a semester among students from other Christian colleges (I had to go to one to appease my family and school, and I’ve always wanted to make everyone happy all the goddamn time) and realized I had changed so much. While in the past I could fade away to the background among people whose lives and opinions felt so wrong to me, I then felt trapped. I experienced the worst depression I had ever felt in my life for several months since then. And that’s when my life began.

I realized I was bisexual, then I realized I am non-binary. Dating women and coming out to people who I know will never fully love me for who I am has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’ve lost a lot of people, gained a lot of people who I loved, and lost them again. So, hi, my name is Rachel. (Sometimes I toy with the idea of being called Dorian.) I am a trans-masc, non-binary person living in Seattle, and my life is nothing like what I thought it would be. I thought by now I would be married to a man with a career thinking about having children. I thought that being kind and denying myself was a good thing, but it hurt too much, so now I value fighting for myself and others who struggle to believe they are valuable enough to exist. I’m working the same job I did in college and I feel bad about that A LOT. I wish I were a teacher or professor. I’ve written a book like I always wanted to, but I’ve been editing it for over a year now, and I don’t think it will ever “become” anything. I feel lost and lonely, friendless, apart from my girlfriend/partner, who is my best friend, who surprises me every day with how much they can love me, despite that it feels like I am a person who is difficult to love. I don’t talk to my family anymore. But I’m angrily here and still existing despite it all.

And maybe I’m back on Tumblr because I’m feeling lost and lonely, like sixteen-year-old Rachel was, hoping to stop by here until real life becomes a little more.

Hello! Um, idk how to exactly explain what I want to say, but you seem like a really kind person so I think you will understand. So, I am a 14 year-old-girl that has been a Christian for as long as I rememember. The environment I live is quite religious as well. I didn't have a problem with it for, as you see, I was a kid and didn't think too much of religion in general. ~Um, apparently I reached the world limit so please wait to write the rest in an other ask XD *sorry* ~~

~~um, still me XD~~ But since last May or April, I became interested in the ancient greek culture. I actually DO live in Greece, so it was pretty easy to visit many of the gods' temples and other ancient places. I fell in love with them and, I should not lie, I felt like home around them. You have no idea, how much I wanted to touch the exhibits or walk into the temples. Tho, I didn't think too much of it. ~~ ugh, still have a lot to say. Sorry sorry!! :/ ~~

*again me*While I was on Naxos, the sacred island of Dionysus, I visited the temples of Demeter, Apollo and Dionysus. In the temple of Dionysus, I LOVED the aura around me. Even if it was the most plain in comparison to the other two, I had liked it more. Short after, Dionysus' name was popping on my head all the time, alongside Ariadne. Now, I understood the reason I liked Ariadne; I saw a lot of myself in her. But Dionysus? *oof I AM SORRY, i need an other one*

*I don't exactly remember how, but suddenly for some reason, he started feel more "real". To be short, judging from his followers' post on Tumblr, he was "calling me". "Who me?" I thought. I was not a witch. Nor a pagan. Why? And most importantly why me? You see, I was never the girl who partied a lot, the social, extroverted, confident girl. I was always the shy, introverted, sensitive and insecure girl who would much rather stay at home on Saturday night. *ok, AGAIN i am sorry ;-;*

*There was a time that my intuition told me he was present, in some way I did not understand, in my room. I felt he was talking inside my head. He was gentle I have to say, but I was terrified. TERRIFIED. I had read all the stories about his "madness", and while they seemed cool, being REAL had me spooked. I told him in my head to get out and I almost shakily said that I would never be able to work with him, for the reasons I said. I felt I was not worthy enough for someone like him. *oof, again*

*The last thing I heard him saying was "But you do have a flame of madness. And it is ok to be shy". But you see, those things clashed with my religious beliefs and I called him a demon. I didn't know what to do. I felt so young for all of this. Days after, I had to persuade myself that it was not real. I think that he was trying to reach me more slowly but, again, I was terrified. However, I could not refuse that everytime I thoughg of him I felt more confident and that my anxiety was dying. **

*To finish, even I had tried to sweep it off, even if I never had any other episodes, I kind of felt that some gods' like as Dionysus, Apollo and maybe Aphrodite were watching over me (in the good way). Today, I scrolled through your blog, and I read all the asks you had answered to people sharing simiral experiences and you saying "it is ok to feel scared". Something in your tone made me believe you. The gods didn't feel so scary suddenly. And more real.

-------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I am not Greek, have never been to or lived in Greece which is a completely different country than my own with different rules and history, so the only information I can draw from are the internet, articles, Wikipedia and intuitive nudges from my gods.

Please understand that the advice are all personal opinions and everyone is free to agree/disagree with it. I don't mean to offend anyone who is actually Greek or was raised in Greece. These are all viewpoints from an outsider who works with Greek gods in the USA. So keep that in mind as you continue...

Hello!

Thank you for calling me a kind person, my goal in life is to become a teacher and help as much as I can, so thank you for that. 🤗

There is no need to be afraid but I understand why you are nervous. The gods are reaching out to you and it's a new experience.

From what I've read, Greece seems to be going through a spiritual transition. We're talking about a place where having "Greek Orthodox" as a religion labeled on your I.D was mandatory until 2001: (LINK)

I also noticed that the separation of church and state has been a very aggressive issue and fought in Greece for the last 10 years. Just a couple of years ago the Hellenic Polytheist religion dubbed Hellenismos was officially recognized by Greece in 2017: (LINK)

Needless to say, things are happening in Greece (and all across Europe, the West and the world.)

This spiritual turmoil is intense. Your feelings are valid.

You are loved and the gods understand.

The reason why it took me so long to reply to this ask was because Apollo wanted me to tread lightly on how I would reply given that you live in Greece and are 14.

I have been told that Greece is a spiritually charged place. You can feel the gods there, but it's not a safe place to be out and about as a Hellenic Polytheist: (LINK)

But there's hope! More and more Greeks are beginning to worship the gods (especially younger Greeks like you): (LINK)

Because you posted a lot of information, I'm going to quote you and reply to that just so I can be sure to really answer any questions that could be bothering you or things you could be wondering about (I apologize if it gets very literal but I want to make sure to give you as much information as possible so you can make a more informed decision):

"since last May or April, I became interested in the ancient greek culture. I actually DO live in Greece, so it was pretty easy to visit many of the gods' temples and other ancient places."

Greece is a very spiritual place and the gods still live and visit their own temples because even though the majority of Greece is now Christian, I'm told they still have a very special place in the Greeks' heart and culture.

The gods know about the religious politics that no longer worship them in a religious setting but they stay with their Greek people through stories and customs.

My classical studies teacher says that although the majority of Greeks no longer worship the gods, they still value them and are defensive of them. She went to the Theater of Epidaurus by Asclepios' Temple. In the theater there is a special section traditionally reserved for the gods and seen as a kind of altar to them. When she was there, one of the actors stepped on it and got booed off of it by the Greek viewers who were deeply offended.

These reactions warm my heart because you can tell that even if they are no longer viewed as a worshipping option, they still care about the gods.

I sense the gods also go to their temples to hangout with, not only the locals, but curious tourists, Mythology fans, history buffs and Hellenic polytheist visitors.

A lot of pagans who worship them go to Greece on a pilgrimage to visit their gods (like me and my wife who will be visiting Athens this coming January.)

"I fell in love with them and, I should not lie, I felt like home around them. You have no idea, how much I wanted to touch the exhibits or walk into the temples."

I sense they have been watching you and as much as you wanted to touch the exhibits and walk in their temples, they wanted to further connect with you.

You are very important to them and feel like you are home because you are, you are connecting with gods who are older than Christianity. Gods who have been around for so long and have been worshipped by your ancestors. Ancestral connections can be very strong.

"While I was on Naxos, the sacred island of Dionysus, I visited the temples of Demeter, Apollo and Dionysus. In the temple of Dionysus, I LOVED the aura around me. Even if it was the most plain in comparison to the other two, I had liked it more."

I feel like Naxos is sacred to him, so it makes sense for him to be more present. A lot of Apollo followers who have visited Greece say they can feel Apollo the most in Delos.

"Short after, Dionysus' name was popping on my head all the time, alongside Ariadne. Now, I understood the reason I liked Ariadne; I saw a lot of myself in her........why me? You see, I was never the girl who partied a lot, the social, extroverted, confident girl. I was always the shy, introverted, sensitive and insecure girl who would much rather stay at home on Saturday night."

You said it yourself: "Now, I understood the reason I liked Ariadne; I saw a lot of myself in her" sometimes the gods like us because we remind them of those they love. For example, I know Aphrodite first began to love me because I reminded her of a tiny version of Ares. I was aggressive and when it came to fight or flight, I always chose to fight.

Sometimes the gods connect with us because we need them and they are trying to help us become a better version of ourselves. When I first met Aphrodite, you could mop the floor with my self esteem. Now, I am better about loving myself and teaching others to love themselves too.

Sometimes there's a previous connection. When I first met Ares he told me my ancestors knew him as Mars. My real last name is Roman and it literally translates to "Child of Mars." There is a lot of Roman and some ancient Greek in my ancestry (it's not necessary to have Greek in your ancestry to worship the gods but your ancestry can be the source of your connection).

Ask Dionysus directly and give him time to respond. You may be surprised with what he tells you.

"I don't exactly remember how, but suddenly for some reason, he started feel more "real". To me short, judging from his followers' post on Tumblr, he was "calling me"."

The gods are unique in the sense that they are portrayed as fictional characters because they are in timeless legends and myths, and so beloved that they have been readapted countless times like wheat that has gone through so many processing procedures, that it no longer looks like wheat.

It's easy to forget that these are gods that were once worshipped by Nations, empires and can be found in the Bible as the "false idols" of Kings who tried to get rid of Christ or oppress Jewish people.

The gods became nameless beings in cultural ceremonies you no longer understand but still do because they are now apart of your heritage, for example: in my culture we celebrate day of the Dead which was originally an Aztec tradition that didn't venerate the Dead but worshipped the queen of the underworld. Our own version of Persephone. The Spanish tried to erase her and put a Catholic spin when they couldn't get rid of the tradition and it worked but those who work with La Santa Muerte now, recognize it as her holiday because they know it originally was: (LINK)

So it's not that the gods were once fake but you are now beginning to recognize them in your own culture and traditions.

"There was a time that my intuition told me he was present, in some way I did not understand, in my room. I felt he was talking inside my head."

Those are Godphone moments. Feeling the gods, sensing them with your energy. Hearing them talk in your head. Those are all the methods I use to hear the gods. I sense the energy shift. He was definitely present. And he was definitely talking.

"He was gentle I have to say, but I was terrified. TERRIFIED. I had read all the stories about his "madness", and while they seemed cool, being REAL had me spooked."

The gods always know how to best approach their new or potential followers. Apollo is very gentle when he interacts with my wife because he knows they react best when he's gentle. He's very stern with me because he knows I work best under pressure.

The part about him having you spooked because of his "madness" reminds me of when I was 12 and I learned that my "imaginary friend" was actually the "blood thirsty" god of war, Ares. Him being real had me spooked. Even though he had been teaching me how to fight and survive since I was 5, I called him a demon and told him I didn't want to work with him because of this one dimensional idea I had read about him versus his actual personality as an amazing father and protector. He's playful and very lovable.

The myths can help us with gods but they are written by flawed humans who don't understand the complex nature of the gods. Everything you've learned about Dionysus is 4% of what survived history. And a lot of that 4% has been tainted and rewritten by the Romans and Christian monks trying to demonize the gods or make them look bad.

A lot of Apollo myths will have you believe he is a monster who likes to chase women and smite unfortunate beings who look at him but his actual followers know he's nothing like this. To me, he's cool and collected, loves reason and philosophy. The best way to learn about a god is by researching their information, epithets, followers and working with them.

Here is a list of Dionysus followers compiled by @thepastelpriestess : (LINK)

"I told him in my head to get out and I almost shakily said that I would never be able to work with him, for the reasons I said. I felt I was not worthy enough for someone like him......"

"Not worthy enough" is a problematic feeling a lot of followers have. I see this a lot amongst potential Aphrodite followers who are confused as to why the goddess of beauty would want to work with them when they feel they look ugly. The gods know what they are doing and they know you are worth so much more than you realize.

"The last thing I heard him saying was "But you do have a flame of madness. And it is ok to be shy".

He would! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh I love Dionysus!!! He's such an inspiring god! And he's right. There is something about you he loves and it is 100% okay to be shy.

"But you see, those things clashed with my religious beliefs and I called him a demon. I didn't know what to do. I felt so young for all of this."

He understands you were scared when you called him that. He knows because a lot of gods are portrayed as demons in the Bible. He knows you were scared and if you ever feel like contacting him and working with him, know he is available and will gladly do so.

I called Ares a demon when I was 12 and didn't talk to him for 15+ years. When I finally did, he immediately forgave me, said I was little and ask was forgiven because I was speaking out of fear and fear is confusion. You have every right to go about ignoring the gods and continuing your family's religion but if you change your mind, Dionysus and the gods will be there.

"Days after, I had to persuade myself that it was not real. I think that he was trying to reach me more slowly but, again, I was terrified."

Awww he knew you were scared so he was giving you time and reaching out to you occasionally.

"However, I could not refuse that everytime I thoughg of him I felt more confident and that my anxiety was dying."

Dionysus is AMAZING when it comes to fighting anxiety. In ancient Greece he helped people (especially women) overcome societal rules and follow him. Just like how he causes madness,he also helps others heal from it and since anxiety can be a type of madness caused by fear, he is definitely helping. And that may be why he wanted to work with you.

"To finish, even I had tried to sweep it off, even if I never had any other episodes, I kind of felt that some gods' like as Dionysus, Apollo and maybe Aphrodite were watching over me (in the good way)."

They are.

Apollo has been helping me answer this ask because he knows you are nervous and wants to let you know that whatever you choose it's okay. Even if you silently honer the gods in cultural settings with traditional events, they are and will continue to be with you.

They love you.

"Today, I scrolled through your blog, and I read all the asks you had answered to people sharing simiral experiences and you saying "it is ok to feel scared". Something in your tone made me believe you. The gods didn't feel so scary suddenly. And more real."

It is 100% okay to feel scared. And it is okay if you decide you'd rather not work with the gods at this time. They understand. They still love you, but they understand.

Just your curiosity was enough to make them come down and introduce themselves to you. You matter to them and no matter what you choose, they will be there for you.

I hope this helps.

May the gods remind you of your roots, remind you of your power and remind you of their love because they will always be with you.

Bronwyn’s Witchcraft FAQ

This is my FAQ for mobile users to access! I know tumblr is a pain, so here is my complete FAQ under the cut. I will update this as I add to my FAQ on my main tumblr page!

I have divided my FAQ into several sections, so feel free to look around till you find what you are searching for! The first section is for those of you that are curious about witchcraft, and want to learn more about it; whether that means you are thinking of trying it or know someone that is, I felt having it up at the top would be useful. Remember, my ask box and messages are always open, so let me know if your question isn’t on here, or you need further clarification!

Basic Witchcraft Questions

Is witchcraft real?

Yes, witchcraft is real. Many people practice witchcraft, and you’d be surprised to find that you probably know at least one witch personally. I have met at least four other witches that I know of. It’s a skill, art, and practice, and as real as any other.

What is witchcraft?

Witchcraft is the practice of using energy, tools, and other mediums such as herbs, candles, and crystals to bring about change. It is not the same across the board, and can be seen differently in many cultures, regions, and groups. In short, it is the intentional use of one’s own power to create an energetic shift that will change a future event or add something to an area, object, or person. It is neither inherently evil, nor inherently good; all things can be used in a positive, negative, or neutral way.

Are witches evil?

Witches can be anything. But being a witch does not automatically make you evil. A label doesn’t usually provide moral alignment. For example, I have met teachers, religious leaders, and peers that were kind, mean, or fairly neutral in nature. Their title as a teacher, religious leader, or peer did not change that factor. The same is true for witches.

Is witchcraft dangerous?

Witchcraft is a practice, just like gardening, yoga, or even medicine. Just as a gardener can accidentally come into contact with deadly nightshade if they don’t know what it looks like, so, too, can a witch make a mistake due to inexperience. As a whole, witchcraft is generally seen as something to be cautious with, but not something that will kill or seriously maim the practitioner. I always always always recommend learning about the more risky pieces of the practice before diving in, and even then, I suggest learning protection magic before any other kind. Research is an incredibly important piece of witchcraft, and leaving it behind is what is dangerous.

Are witches the same as Wiccans? Is Wicca the only way to be a witch?

This is a common misconception in the witchcraft community, especially among beginners. Wiccans are the members of a religion known as Wicca. Wicca was made and popularized in the 1950s-1960s by a man named Gerald Gardner. It was created to fit well with witchcraft. Witchcraft is an ancient, truly timeless practice, and came long before Wicca. Some witches are Wiccan, but not all of them. A lot of Wiccans are Witches, but that is not a requirement for being a Wiccan. You do not have to be a Wiccan to be a witch, or vice versa.

What is Wicca?

Wicca is a religion created by Gerald Gardner. He made and popularized it in the 1950s-1960s, and it is meant to be an ideal partner for witchcraft. However, being a witch is not necessary to be a Wiccan.

The religion centers around the worship and invocation of the “Goddess” or “Lady” and the “God” or “Lord”. Traditionally, these figures remain as such, without goddesses and gods from other cultures representing them. You can find more information about the rituals, altar setup, etc. from a local Wiccan group, or ask someone you know who practices it themselves. I am not Wiccan, but I will share what I know with you here.

Traditionally, people who want to become Wiccans are required to join a coven and become initiated (which varies from tradition to tradition, and group to group). There may be a High Priestess, Priestesses, High Priest, Priests, High Priesten, Priesten, or other leaders they can contact to set this up, or ask for resources and information.

Usually, a period of study leads up to the initiation. In this way, the person looking to become a Wiccan has the chance to learn, have support from others in their faith, and can see the religion actively portrayed by practitioners. There may be levels to go through or ceremonies to partake in before the final initiation, but, again, this can vary.

There are also Neo-Wiccans. Neo-Wicca is a more-recent derivative of Wicca, and does not require any sort of initiation or ties to any coven or group. Because of this, many feel that it is more convenient and personally fulfilling than traditional branches of Wicca. It relies on solitary practice, and may include more personal elements of the religion, such as frequent offerings, or even iconology of a specific deity in place of the general “God” and “Goddess”. In my experience, a majority of people that follow some type of Wicca on online forums are Neo-Wiccans, but may not specify that. This is pretty much the extent of my knowledge, but I know there are many resources out there!

Is “Witch” a gender neutral term? Can guys be witches?

Yes, it is a gender-neutral term. Anyone, regardless of race, social status, gender, age, nationality, etc. can be a witch. It is a very welcoming practice for anyone to participate in- or leave- as they see fit.

Are witches born or can someone learn to be one?

You can be a witch whether you were born into a witch’s family or not. You may hear the term “hereditary witch” every once in a while; this means the person who uses the title had a family member (usually a parent or grandparent) that was/is a witch. It doesn’t give them any extra power than someone who was born into a family without any close relatives that practice witchcraft. However, these people are generally taught by a witch and/or grow up around witchcraft, which can boost their experience and knowledge in the practice. No one is born and immediately a witch. To be a witch, you must practice witchcraft. Babies don’t do that.  

Can witches fly, perform telekinesis, or other similar things from movies?

There are always going to be people that claim they can move things with their minds or turn into a werewolf. Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. Magic, in the real-life sense of the word, cannot defy the limitations of our chemical make-up or give us incredible powers that will make us rival superheroes. Movies have a habit of dramatizing and stretching tales in every area, and witchcraft is no different.

What can a witch do? What is possible?

Witches can cast spells to bring financial success, draw in luck, draw in love, and many other things. They may cleanse homes, cast protection spells over them, and ward negative/malevolent energy/entities from themselves or others. Witches can curse and bless. Witches can call or banish rain, snow, etc. They can heal and use energy to create change. Witches can do many things, some more subtle than others.

How can a witch prove they are a witch/that their magic works?

First, I beg the question: why should they have to? It is their practice, and not everyone wants to show off the latest results of their spellwork or the energy manipulation they can achieve. If they want to show or tell you about their practice, they will. Respect boundaries, just like you would with anyone else.

Being a witch requires that you practice witchcraft. If that isn’t good enough for someone to see that you are, indeed, a witch, there isn’t much else to do other than help them learn about the practice. Send them here, if you want.

If you wanted to show someone that your magic works, I recommend trying out energy work (sending energy through one hand onto a willing participant, giving off a specific intention for them to describe to you), divination if you are psychically inclined, or sharing the purpose of your next spell with them, and then let your success speak for itself.

Sometimes, spells don’t work. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. Working on it and finding flaws is what helps you grow as a witch, and having people around you critique it like they could do better is not an encouraging thing. Don’t feel obligated to share, but do if you and the person in question wish to share the experience.

Do witches sacrifice animals?

Not really. Some practitioners of certain practices, religions, etc., do kill animals according to their tradition, but it’s not extremely common as far as I have seen in the years I have been a witch and part of this community. I have read a post regarding this topic from the point of view of a culture/religion that does kill animals in rituals, and they relayed that they don’t torture animals or prolong their suffering. Just like a butcher would, it is always swift and not cruel when done correctly.

Religion and its Relationship with Witchcraft

Do witches believe in God?

Some do, some don’t. Just as being a doctor is a practice, so is witchcraft. Being a doctor doesn’t determine your religion, and neither does being a witch. I am not Christian, nor do I believe in the Abrahamic God. Anyone, from any religion, can be a witch.

Do witches worship Satan?

As stated above, some do, some don’t. Theistic Satanism isn’t something I see all that often among witchcraft communities. I see a lot of LaVeyan satanists (atheistic), but not too many that worship or honour Satan. However, some do. And that should definitely be respected, and not seen as an inherently bad thing. They may view Satan differently than those who devote their lives to the Abrahamic God.  

Aren’t you scared of going to Hell?

I am not, at least, not actively. I don’t believe in the Abrahamic God; I am a Hellenic Polytheist (I worship and honour the Greek Gods). I don’t constantly fear what I don’t believe in. I was raised Catholic, and the shift was difficult. I may never truly stop doubting my eternity or my fears. But I am more comfortable with my life than I have ever been. I speak for myself alone and not anyone else. Other witches may feel differently.

Do you have to be religious to be a witch?

Nope! It is entirely optional. In fact, witchcraft is a different category that can overlap with religion but doesn’t have to.

Can I be religious and not include the god(s) I worship in my practice?

Absolutely. I do this, and many others do as well. If I want to ask my gods for something, I do it directly, without a spell. If I want to do something on my own, I do. They are separate, but I value them both an incredible amount.

Can I be religious and include the god(s) I worship in my practice?

Yes. However, depending on your religion, it may be easier/harder than other religions. Ultimately, you’ll need to as two questions: 1) Do I want to incorporate my religion into my practice? And 2) Is my pantheon/god/goddess open to witchcraft? Usually, the answers to this come fairly easily. You can ask your pantheon directly (through prayer, divination, etc) if you aren’t sure.

How do I make offerings/begin a journey into another religion/research a religion?

This varies widely from religion to religion. My religious blog (for Hellenic Polytheism (Reconstruction-based)) is @breathing-in-gilded-dust . There are many groups, blogs, and official sites for different religions. Here are my main recommendations that I have found over the years:

Hellenion.org - for Hellenic Polytheism; includes hymns, calendars, ritual examples, resources, ritual dates, clergy certification, and more.

Elaion.org - for Hellenic Polytheism; includes hymns, calendars, ritual examples, resources, ritual dates, and more.

Baringtheaegis.blogspot.com - the blog of an insightful, well-read Hellenic Polytheist. Full of information, articles, and plenty of wonderful posts to read! A great place to begin if you’re wondering about the religion.

Theoi.com - Thousands of articles about specific Hellenic Theoi/Theia (gods/goddesses), rituals, hymns, mythos, and so much more. A wonderful resource for epithets, simple knowledge of myths, and learning about the Theoi in ancient context.  

http://www.labrys.gr/en/ - Labrys is a religious group formed by Hellenic Polytheists. They have a book recommended by many people, I believe it is called Household Worship. They have good resources online, too!

Kemet.org - for Kemeticism; includes resources, information, guides, ritual examples, and more.

Sacred-texts.com - holds so many pieces of sacred texts from so many different religions and cultures. It is the epicenter of documentation of religions like Hellenic Polytheism, Kemeticism, Nordic Polytheism, and tons more. I highly recommend looking around on this site, it is a great resource.

https://chs.harvard.edu/ - This is Harvard’s center for Hellenic Studies. It has a digital library and a friend of mine, @songbirdspells, has recommended it!

https://secondgenerationimmigrant.tumblr.com/post/162862714335/free-academic-resources-masterpost - This is a link to a free academic resource masterpost. Make use of it for religious investigation! It can be super helpful when looking for historical documentations.

Is this a sign from the gods?

Only you can decide if something you see/feel/experience is a “sign”. There isn’t a specific formula or rule book for determining this, but the general consensus is: follow your heart. Cliche, I know. Many of us rarely receive signs, and some of us never have/will. And this is okay. We don’t need a dove to tell us Aphrodite is watching over us. We already know that.

Beginner Tips, Guides, and Resources for New Witches

How can I begin?

The best thing you can do to begin your journey into witchcraft is read, record, and learn. Keep a journal for things you want to be able to look back on later, preferably in a medium you can rearrange and easily update. I recommend binders or online documents (google drive is my favourite). Some things I recommend researching first include:

Protection and warding

Correspondences for herbs, crystals, colours, and moon phases (later on, you may want to reevaluate these correspondences and decide which ones work for you and which ones don’t. There isn’t one perfect set of meanings for anything, so after experimenting, you may find that a particular item works best for love or finances rather than sleeping.)

Commonly used terminology in witchcraft

Meditation or mindfulness practices

Energy work

Candle magic

Divination

Herbal medicine (Herbs are used as medicine. I highly recommend learning not only their correspondences or mundane uses but also their potential side effects. Certain people are more susceptible to side effects or potency of herbs, especially those who are pregnant, breastfeeding, have illnesses/diseases, or are on medications. Herbs are not necessarily a safe thing to dabble in. Learn before you use them. Don’t harvest any, especially if you aren’t sure what they are. I harvested red columbine a long time ago without the slightest idea as to what it was, and I handled them before I ate. My stomach had a hard time for a day or so, and I later learned they are toxic. I could have have ended up much worse than I did, and I learned my lesson about not picking plants that I am unable to positively identify.)

Sigil making (I describe my knowledge of sigils here)

Spell writing/anatomy and spellcasting

Traditional witchcraft practices in your area

The different uses of different water sources (rain, stream, ocean, storm, etc)

Crystal care (some crystals can be damaged/bleached of their colour in sunlight, or crumble in water or other substances. Learning about the hardness of a crystal and their tolerance to sunlight are important for anyone that wants to keep their crystals in good shape. Some crystals are toxic to touch or release toxic minerals if they become wet. Research is key with witchcraft, and mundane information is incredibly important as well.)

Sensing energy/emotion (empaths, sensitives, psychics, and mediums find this easier than others, but anyone can develop these kinds of skills to a certain extent.)

Simple spells to keep up with your home (sweep out negativity with a broom and a chant, ring bells to disperse stagnant energy, etc

The use of tools in witchcraft (bells, brooms, cauldrons, candles, wands, staves, etc)

What you can and cannot do as a witch (can’t fly among geese, unfortunately. But you can learn about the astral realm, a term for other planes that one can enter and explore in many different forms. Some call this “flying”.)

Different practices of different types of witchery.

These are just my personal recommendations, not the end-all-be-all of beginner topics. If you are interested in something, learning about it is a wonderful thing to do!

Do you have a masterpost of your resources?

Yes, I do! Here is a link to it.

What are some good beginner tools?

Witchcraft is about using what you already have to achieve something that you don’t (whether that be an object, scenario, or state of being). Use what you have, and make what you want. You don’t need expensive items to be a witch, or to be successful as one. My favourite tools are crystals, my handmade wand (cost me nothing to make, since I had the materials and tools at my house), herbs from around my area or in my spice cabinet, and anything I can create for a specific purpose. I love making poppets (dolls you can use to heal, bring things to you/someone/something/an idea, or even curse), and I use upcycled fabric for them. Some people find altars to be a very useful thing to have, since there is a specific space you can sit at to do your workings. I go back and forth as to whether or not I want/need one. I usually settle on having a sacred space without any decor except my main tools and a box with everything else I use.

Here is a super general list of things you may want to look into, but do not have to buy by any means:

Incense sticks/cones and/or resins (with charcoal discs) and a holder to burn them with

Three-ringed binder (to journal, record information, and write down ideas for witchcraft)

Candles and/or candle holders (tea lights are cheapest in bulk)

Crystals that are safe in water and to touch (citrine, carnelian, rose quartz, amethyst, and clear quartz are my must-haves that I trust for gem elixirs and handling)

Sachet bags (the dollar store has these, and they are great for carrying around items such as crystals, herbs, and enchanted items)

Jars (jar spells are wonderful, and you may also use these for storing objects while you aren’t using them)

Ribbon and/or string

Nails and/or pins

Divination tools

My mentor said I have to (insert ‘must’ here) to be a witch. Is this true?

Unless they said “you must practice witchcraft to be a witch”, then no, it isn’t true. There are some ‘mentors’ who use the inexperience and ignorance of a new practitioner to manipulate and abuse them. Sex magic, blood magic, making oaths, or participating in any sort of activity you are not comfortable in is not required for you to be a witch. Get away from that person as fast as you can if they say otherwise. You are welcome to explore lesser-followed paths, but please do not feel obligated to do so in any manner.

How do crystals work? What makes them ‘magical’?

Crystals vibrate at certain frequencies, many of which are great for setting our intentions and shifting our own energy alignments/focuses. Casting spells and directing energy comes from within, not from the crystals. They help us get to a specific vibration so we can use the vibration to make a change and cast a spell. Some crystals help people sleep due to their vibration while others give their bearer energy. Crystals may affect everyone in slightly different ways, but there are usually a few basic meanings agreed upon by a majority of people for a specific crystal.

What is cleansing? How do I cleanse things?

“Cleansing” is the act of clearing away energy from an object, person, or place. One can cleanse in many ways, but some common ones include burying an object for 24 hours (I recommend burying items in a pot of dirt, not in the ground, to ensure you can find it again and no animals will be harmed by it), submerging it in water/salt water (only for items that won’t be damaged, of course), sprinkling an item with salt, holding an object as water runs over it, as in a stream, smoke cleansing with sage or other smoke-producing herbs/woods/etc, placing crystals around the object/person/place, energetic resetting, and bell ringing (or any constant tone ringing through the air). There are many more, but these are common methods.

What is charging? How do I charge things?

“Charging” is the act of instilling an object with energy that can be used later on. Crystals can be charged to re-establish the energy they hold to amplify their vibrational qualities. It’s like replacing the batteries in a remote. The batteries don’t make the remote something different, they just power it to be able to do its job. You can charge things by placing them in a window during a full moon/visible moon (full moons tend to work best), charge things the same way, but in sunlight instead of moonlight, use your own energy to fill the object, place candles around an object, spin an object rapidly (ex: a wand), or surround an object with crystals or herbs. There are other ways, but these are things I have tried and really like.

What is enchanting? How do I enchant things?

“Enchanting” is filling an object with a specific intent and energy. Unlike charging, enchanting does reprogram an item’s properties/energy, usually temporarily. This works best with objects that do not have a powerful vibration like a crystal or herb does. I recommend pebbles, coins, jewelry, clothing items, etc. You can enchant an item with your own energy or the energy of objects that relate to what you want to enchant the item with. I have a post on enchanting wards here, but you could easily use it as a guide for any enchantment.

What are sigils? How do I make them? How do I charge them?

Sigils are symbols created for a specific intention and purpose. I have a complete guide with pictures, text instructions, and advice right here! It’s a google drive share link, so it gives you access and shares it with whatever email you’re signed into if it’s a gmail.

What are sabbats? Esbats?

Sabbats are the eight holidays celebrated by most Wiccans and some witches. The holidays stem from the ancient Celtic religion (if I am not correct, please let me know so I can change this). It does have religious ties because of this, but many people do not observe them. Some witches do celebrate in some way on some/all of the sabbat dates, due to the fact that half of them fall on equinoxes or solstices,  and the other half are the midway point between a solstice/equinox. They have fairly easy to follow dates, each with a distinctive name. They are based on the seasons, so the northern and southern hemisphere dates are very different. The sabbats are: Imbolc, Ostara, Beltane, Litha, Lammas (or Lughnasadh), Mabon, Samhain, and Yule. I suggest researching the dates of these sabbats for your area if you plan to observe them. I don’t observe them as they are named, but I do have a similar system for myself, based on the solstices/equinoxes/shifts in temperature and weather.

Esbats are meetings between witches as a coven, which are usually held on the new or full moon. Any meeting of a coven to do a ritual is considered an esbat. I believe this is primarily a Wiccan thing, but I could be wrong.

What is the wheel of the year? Do I have to follow it?

The wheel of the year is the observance of the eight sabbats. They are derived from an ancient European religion (Celtic, I believe), and are celebrated most frequently by Wiccans. The wheel of the year observes the equinoxes, solstices, and the midpoints between them. You do not have to follow the wheel of the year if you do not want to. I don’t, and I am happy as can be!

What are the elements, and how are they used? Do I have to use them?

The elements are frequently seen in circle casting and on pentacles. The elements are Earth, Air, Water, Fire, and Spirit. This grouping of five elements is representative of the whole self, the whole world, the whole Universe. They can be used in circle casting as mentioned, they can be used as sources of energy during spells or rituals, and they can be communicated with during meditations (among other things). It is not a necessary part of being a witch, but many people do use the elemental system in one way or another.

Do I have to pick a path and label it?

No, you certainly do not. You don’t even have to call yourself a witch. Labels are words. Call yourself what you like, if you call yourself anything at all.

Why do some people spell magic as “magick”?

The idea to spell “magic” as “magick” came from the man Aleister Crowley when he wanted to differentiate metaphysical occurences from magic tricks at parties. Many people do this for the same reason, but there isn’t really a necessity for it. If you’re in the witchcraft or spell tag, I doubt you’re going to confuse a stage magician with a witch. There are also some issues with the actual kind of magic Crowley was talking about, which was ceremonial magic that was leading one towards their highest, truest purpose. Most of the things I see that are tagged or referred to as magick do not fall into that category, only because it’s not the same form as what Crowley defined as ‘magick’. It’s an outdated word often used inaccurately, anyway. I cringe a little when I see it due to this, and some of the people I met only use it for attention or to seem more ‘witchy’.  

Do I have to use spells made by other people? Can I write and use my own?

You do not have to use spells by other people, and you definitely can write and use your own! The only disclaimer I have for this is that you should read and try spells by experienced people you trust to get a sense of what a well-rounded spell feels like. Study before you jump in, as with anything else, just in case. It also helps you figure out what you really like to do, and you can experiment with different spell types and tools/ingredients.

Do witches have to join a coven?

Nope. The only time a witch ‘has’ to join a coven is if they are a Traditional Wiccan looking to be initiated, but not all Traditional Wiccans are witches, anyway.

How and why do people use the moon and its phases in spellwork/magic?

The moon affects many mundane things, from the tides to menstrual cycles. It holds so much history and energy that can be used in magical workings. It reflects the light of the sun, and is charged constantly because of this. It is full of nearly untouched vibrancy, which is great for many spells and rituals!

What is a grimoire? What is a book of shadows?

A grimoire is a book of journals, spells, correspondences, and other useful information in the possession of a witch. They can be physical or digital. A Book of Shadows (sometimes referred to as BoS) is a similar book of such things, but has more specific ties to Wicca. It is full of rituals and texts regarding Traditional Wiccan practices, and is less ‘personal’, for lack of a better word. It may contain the Wiccan Rede, copies of important rituals used in the practitioner’s coven/sect, or texts written by trusted religious figures.

What is energy work? How can I practice?

Energy work is the manipulation of metaphysical energy to manifest an intent or infuse power into something. It can consist of making orbs to send to others (healing, cursing, etc.), the use of energy to shield/ward a person/place/thing, using one’s own energy to charge or enchant an item, and much more. Some people even focus on energy points within the body and center themselves through energetic rebalancing. You can practice with exercises put on the internet for it, such as my favourite:

Rub your hands together. Feel the friction and the heat- the energy- produced by the action. Stop for a few seconds, and do it again, this time focusing on the feeling between your hands. For me, it feels kind of tingly, even after the heat has faded for a few seconds.

Rub your hands together again, and then pull them apart, but not too far from each other (maybe three or four inches from the other). Visualize and try to feel a blob/ball of energy between your hands, fueled by the friction’s energy. Do this several times, and make the blob/ball bigger if it becomes easier. Practice makes perfect with this!

What is warding?

Warding is a type of magical action in which an object or energy form wards off an unwanted subject. The subject could be a person, negativity as a whole, malevolent entities, spirits, misfortune, etc. Wards can be made of physical items or energies anchored to an area, object, or person.

What is grounding?

Grounding is the act of reconnecting to the Earth and resetting your energy to a more mundane frequency. It involves releasing your energy into the ground while simultaneously taking in new energy from the Earth. This is usually done after centering, and is very refreshing for those of us who struggle with energy consumption. This technique is ideal for empaths as well, due to how accessible it is and how effective it can be.  

What is centering?

Centering is bringing awareness back to yourself, and being mindful of your body, its energy, and how you feel. Centering is always found in meditation, and is a great skill that is used in mindfulness. To center, you can use breathing, visualization, and specific thoughts that help you return to your mind. Everyone centers differently, but once you find your method, it is so great to be able to do!

This is overwhelming. What should I do?

Whew, I know, right? It can be extremely intimidating to begin a practice like this. My biggest pointer is to allow yourself time to learn. Don’t cram like you’re about to take the ACT/SAT. This is a fulfilling practice, not a guide to college! You have plenty of time to learn, grow, and absorb information, which is awesome! I definitely recommend joining some sort of community, whether offline or online. Tumblr is definitely my favourite place to hang out, but there are other forums. Discord seems to have a good many, and I occasionally see links on Tumblr to other social media groups!

Astrology

I am a Leo/etc. so why don’t I feel like one?

Your sun sign is a teeny weeny tiny bit of who you are, according to the stars. There are so many different stars that relate to you, “houses”, moons, etc. You can calculate your natal chart (see next question) to see what other signs you are. The sun sign is who you are publicly, while your moon sign is most likely a better representation of who you are on the inside. It blew my mind when I discovered natal charts!

What is a natal chart?

A natal chart is the positioning of certain celestial bodies on the day you were born. It also takes into account the time and place of your birth. I recommend calculating yours! I believe I calculated mine with astro.com, but the next question has a masterpost of good resources to try, and I am sure I got the link for mine in that list.

What are some resources for beginners interested in astrology?

I saw a great post of some awesome astrology links! Here is the link to it for your convenience.

Do I have to learn astrology to be a witch?

Nope! Astrology isn’t witchcraft, just something many witches and spiritual people like! Actually, many witches don’t have a clue about astrology, including me. I know what four of my signs are based off of my natal chart, and I understand the traits of some of the zodiac signs, but that’s about it. I can maybe draw a few constellations and miss a couple stars, but eh.

TL;DR: I’m Fucking Pissed at So-Called Open-Minded Witches Rn. Prepare for a Long-AF Rant.

OK! For those who don’t know me, I’m the sort of person who doesn’t usually make these sorts of posts, because I like to keep my head below the drama. However, when I see those who claim to be open-minded and the sort towards new witchlings or general pagans; but leave out the fact that if you happen to believe or respect any sort of Christian belief or God, you’re basically fake—is the moment that I really stop giving a fuck about who the hell grows offended.

Observe! An arrogant woman, who seems to believe that she has the right to post something as controversial as the topic that we’ll be discussing today, within a Facebook group that consists of witches & pagans in a very wide age span—without receiving any sort of backlash, or comments against her belief:

Seems innocent enough, right? It isn’t uncommon that old practitioners of the craft tend to be a little more hostile towards the modern craft, due to the fact that they follow very sacred beliefs that have been questioned or judged at every twist and turn. || Christian Witches? Pfft! What a silly idea. || Sarcasm.

Before I continue, I’d like to state the obvious disclaimer that the trigger happy folks of tumblr will undoubtedly ignore, but to those who actually read this entire post before hopping onto the bandwagon of sending one person a ton of hate:

I am completely open-minded towards the argument that this woman is creating, because I would be a hypocrite if I said that I haven’t been a tad extreme with my opinions of change within communities separate to the witch community. HOWEVER! The thing I do not agree with here, is the continued spite and discriminative behaviour that this woman expresses towards all Christians & their beliefs. She has the right to her opinions, but she doesn’t have the right to dictate what makes a witch; what makes a pagan; and she certainly doesn’t have the right to claim that this new age bullshit isn’t allowed to shelter under the huge umbrella term that is Paganism.

Right! Now that I’ve gotten the classic disclaimer that nobody will probs read out of the way, I’ll continue with this post; because I want to defend the innocent and curious Christians who stumble onto our beliefs. I want to tell them that all of them are accepted, in my eyes and the eyes of many other witches/pagans, and that people like this have no right to make them feel unaccepted & upset. And by the Gods, I want to let people know that I’m fucking pissed with this sort of behaviour—and I never thought that I’d actually have anything other than the classic jokes about all of tumblr being trigger happy, but the majority of the blogs that I follow on this site; are very accepting towards Christians, and craft.

And those blogs are generally run by amazing people, who may follow beliefs that are as old as time itself; or may be those excitable lot that Grumpy Ol’ Free rolls her eyes at b/c apparently there’s an entirely new branch of magick that has just been discovered, and Free is too fuckin exhausted with her own branches of craft to start looking into another—but I appreciate your positivity! And I appreciate your acceptance towards change, because...let’s be real here; our religion is one that is all about change, experimenting & constant learning.

And to those who might not be acceptant towards Christians practising your beliefs; I understand! I understand your distaste, or your concerns, I really do. Speaking as an autistic member of society, I’ve always been sceptical towards neurotypicals; I’ve straight out hated the idea of being anything other than a lil tolerable towards them—and I still hate it when NTs attempt to get involved with autistic culture, purely because I’ve experienced all sorts of abuse and discrimination for something that I cannot control. Regardless, I appreciate those who are respectful; which goes for the majority of witches & pagans in this community—you don’t agree with it, but you aren’t sending anon hate to every Christian; Muslim; or whatever who happens to be practising our craft. And I can respect that! The majority of those who disagree with the acceptance are very respectful & get on with their lives; but are given a very bad name by people like the woman above—who refuses to be respectful, kind or anything other than spiteful & hostile. And thus, I happen to be real fuckin’ pissed rn. xP

“First of all did you miss the traditional part. Oh I believe you did, and I’m speaking of true pagans. Heatheans!”

*Deep breath* First of all, traditional paganism branches to a number of different beliefs; Roman—Norse—Celtic, and there are a number of others. (To those who have more information on the topic, I do encourage you to comment where you believe my own personal knowledge on the situation is incorrect or has worded information incorrectly; I won’t be mad—I’ll appreciate your help!) From my own knowledge on the term heathen; the word was originally used as a derogatory term against the invading Vikings, due to their lack of faith within the Christian God—and their multiple statements towards having multiple gods. Over time, it has grown into a word to describe multiple different religions or beliefs; though the most infamous would be those who follow Norse Paganism.

The term pagan was also used; but again, was a derogatory term against them. According to Google (where I place my trust, because I lost my dictionary, rip), the definitions of pagan and heathen are the ones that I’m about to share below, though I’d like to state that the terms are vastly used for multiple religions, etc. I’m honestly just stating them so that we’re all on the same page:

Pagan, Noun: A person holding religious beliefs other than those of the main world religions. || Synonyms: Heathen, Agnostic, Sceptic, Athiest.

Heathen, Noun: A person who does not belong to a widely held religion; especially one who is not a Christian, Jew, or Muslim. // A follower of a polytheistic religion: a pagan. || Synonyms: Pagan, Atheist, Agnostic.

Note: Google has also listed Heathen as a derogatory term, I’d just like to note. Of course, it doesn’t have to be; and I’ve personally considered myself to be Heathen on a number of occasions, but I’d just like to note.

*Cough cough* Of course, I can see the argument that this woman is bringing into the situation. Christianity is not listed as a synonym for either definition; and therefore that must mean that Christians are incapable of being accepted. Fair enough, I guess she has defeated me; by the old Gods and the new, I admit that this woman has caught me out—and this entire post...is pointless. *Gets prepared to delete the whole post, and pretend that I was never upset* But wait! To those who happened to take careful note of what this woman said in the first picture, I hope you noticed the one crucial thing this woman stated:

“A True Traditional Witch is Pagan!”

Oh boy, am I glad that the internet is running smoothly at the minute; because there is nothing that I love more, than adding more definitions to close a witch bitch down. Not that she’ll ever see it, but who cares? A small portion of my 42 followers will probably see it, so at least the hate will be minimal, am I right? :p

Witch, Noun: A woman thought to have magic powers, especially evil ones; popularly depicted as wearing a black cloak, pointed hat and flying on a broomstick. // A follower or practitioner of Wicca or of modern withcraft. || Synonyms: Sorceress, Enchantress, Necromancer, Wiccan.

We won’t go into the definition of Wiccan; because this post is long enough, without going into explicit detail the difference between Wiccans and every other path that happens to fall under the umbrella that is Paganism. Plus, I ‘ve already pissed off enough people with this post; I don’t need to upset those lot, too—because my life is hexed enough as is...I don’t need y’all coming for me. :p

Anyway, onto this undoubtedly confusing post that is the longest ‘fuck you and your shitty discriminative opinion’ to some woman who will never see this post; this woman believes that true and traditional witches are Pagan—but does anyone notice that the synonyms for Pagan & Witch are missing each other? This all falls back to the usual info that we all hand to new witches or pagans: you don’t have to be Pagan to be a witch, and the same info goes vice versa. So no, traditional witches don’t have to be Pagan; it all comes down to choice. Witches can be whoever the fuck they want; and whilst the most popular choice is to follow the Wiccan path, that doesn’t cut out the possibility of other choices. So! Christian Witches are very much possible, and are very much allowed; they aren’t some stain that you can wash out with elbow grease and discrimination.

In my opinion, as long as everyone is respectful & not shoving opinions down everyone else’s throats about their beliefs and such; I don’t really give a fuck. However, this woman (and her merry lil’ group of admins who are close-minded AF; yet claim to be the opposite) caught my attention, because she is not only spiteful towards those who are Christian Witches; but towards those who are attempting to be open-minded and supportive of Christian Witches. Honestly, if she was stating her opinions in a more mature way; rather than behaving as though she has the power to dictate and control, I wouldn’t really give a damn. However, since she isn’t; the woman is getting a tumblr post made about her. 😊

Props to Lena & Inannas for attempting to communicate their thoughts, and defend those who aren’t allowed to defend themselves without having a shit storm brought onto them by people like this, in a mature & informative way. Y’all have my respect, especially because you didn’t fall into her baiting. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

blog- 9th february.

i- as an american doing pretty damn well job of pulling off as british- do not like to do american-like things. such having having wet and cringe humour, being unnecessarily loud, being blatantly ignorant on world culture/affairs (no offence), and especially opening myself up. one thing i’ve noticed is that brits always keep to themselves and rarely discuss thier deep feelings and thoughts with other people. they’re not very open to tel you their life story, and i’m the same way.not to say that i’m not down to earth, bc i very much am. i just stay quaint when it comes to public situations. that being said, my journey and story on my sexuality is very personal, deep and complicated, and unfortunately, i feel like i have to go into massive detail on what’s all happened and how it’s impacted me. it’ll make me vulnerable, but easier to understand and empathise with. this is going to be a particularly long read tho.

the date is 07/07/2010. it was the summer before the 7th grade and i had just realised my sexuality only a few months earlier. the worst night of my life. the night my parents found out about my sexuality. i was only 12. but the way the found out was rather quite stupid and embarrassing (no i wasn’t wanking and it wasn’t porn). at the time, i didn't have a phone. and my favourite show would come on at 1 am. but i didn't feel like staying up late, so what i did was borrow my grandmas phone and set an alarm. well in the alarm it had an option for a message. well my dumbass self put “get the hell up you bisexual fucker”. yeah. well, when my grandma went to puerto rico for a funeral, she left her phone bc she wouldn’t have any service over there. and i had forgotten to take off that alarm. so my mom is just going thru the phone (idk why) and she happens to come across it. she calls me downstairs and confronts me about it. after about 10 minutes what seems like an interrogation ( and me not talking, i felt as tho i had no choice but to admit it). they started crying and told me how its never okay even if the world says it is, and they brought up sodom and gomorrah and told me i needed to have a long prayer. my relationship with them hasn't never really been the same since then. so after that, i kinda ignored thinking about my sexuality. i would just go thru my day, occasionally look at gay pictures at night, then go to sleep. then, toward the end of 7th grade, i ended up taking nudes and sending them on http://showyourdick.com (terrible, i know) and they. ended. up. seeing. the. pics. it made things a shit tonne worse. i was still closeted at school, i had been accused of being gay as early as 4th grade, before i even knew i was gay (im actually bi/pan, but lets just use the word gay for now). fast foward to the beginning of 9th grade (late 2012). i had already been stanning nicki for almost a year, but i was still closeted. i also had a tumblr account(not this one). not only did i still kinda feel bad about being gay, but i was terribly insecure as well. i ended up starting to cut myself around late September. but for a while it was only on my thighs bc i didnt want anyone to see. later, in january 2013, i was feeling really depressed one night, and i kinda went on a cutting tirade. (trigger warning) i even cut my arm. i remember feeling the warm blood running down my leg and feeling dizzy, with my ears fogging up and nearly passing out in the bathroom. this next part may sound wierd. maybe its just me, maybe it was the fogging in my ears, idk. but i remember hearing nickis voice, almost aloud, and she said Stop. crazy init.  the next morning, i got really scared, bc my sleeve wouldn't completely cover up the scars. well, one of my teachers saw (i still dont know who) and reported it to the office, and one of the guidance counselors called my parents and told them. another really bad day. the next day, my guidance counselor called me down, even the principle came in the room. they told me they were sending me to a place where i would have therapy. i agreed to it, but i wasnt aware that i would be forced to spend 3 nights there. its called being Baker Acted.  the deputy at my school called my mom and told her where they were taking me but they didn't tell her i was required by law to spend 72 consecutive hours there. so when she came to pick me up that night, thats when she found out. needless to say she was crying. alot. and as if it wasn't bad enough, it just so happened to be her wedding anniversary.  i end up relapsing 2 more times after that whole ordeal. the last time was march 9th, 2013. so things temporarily improve for the summer. i ended up (finally) coming out to my closest friends. but i never made a big deal out of it. like i never made a big post on facebook or IG or anything. I kinda just let people figure it out and have their own assumptions. so september rolls around and i end up getting depressed again (september is always a bad month for me) but i promised myself i wouldnt cut myself again. so i end up overdosing. alot. 7 pills at a time. (it was just vyvanse tho, its not like it was percs or oxycodone.) so my parents went thru my texts and they found out about what i was doing and thats when the trust begins to deterioate again. they would always take away my phone at night. they said its bc of some report they saw on the news where having your phone in your room while your sleeping is unhealthy (which.. they were right. but it’s ovbious that wasn’t the real reason they took it.) it was bloody annoying. but back then, they would only take it on school nights, and sometimes i would sneak it back, and although they got mad, they wouldn't really do anything about it. also, as you could’ve probably guessed, i had downloaded a couple of gay apps because i was curious. the first time i downloaded grindr, i was in the 8th grade. and it wasn't the only app i would download. there was also hornet and jack’d. well, theres this one guy who i ended up talking to. and i end up sending nudes to him on kik. and my parents end up going through my kik. this was in december 2013. my horny self was just tryna hookup. welp. they see the messages. things go downfuckinghill fast. they barge into my room, one second they're yelling at me shoving the screen in my face and then the next thing I know my dad is shoves me down and kicks me multiple times, and my mom ends up calling the police and filing a report. to say it was traumatising is an understatement. but because it's kik, theres not much they can do. this renders me phoneless all the way until june of 2015. and at this point i wanna take a little bit of a detour. bc i almost feel as though my life as a normal teenager has been robbed.

some of you may ask why i didn’t move in with relatives or just file a report to social services.

they wouldn't let me. and bc they're broke and aren't good at finances, that's what they (we’re) doing anyway. my family is living with my grandparents for like the 4th time since i was born. so they change the password in my phone and im only allowed to use it when they say (this is february 2014, roughly) and i have to be in the same room as them. and then in march, something goes wrong with my phone and it wont read the SIM card. so now i can't even call or text.  things just didn’t get better that year. its summer 2014, and now they suddenly change the password to my laptop. (they still won't tell me the password). i started crying and begged them to change it back. so they did. but just a month later, on July 11th, they change it. and its stayed that way. so now its june of 2015. they buy me a new phone, but they said there are "rules for having the phone" and they take it away every night. well, in november, i had downloaded grindr. theres this feature on my phone where i can hide an app, but one day, back in november, i forgot to hide the app. so they saw it. and they didn't even open the app (it was password locked) and i refused to give them the password. so now im phoneless.... again. and this time they wouldn't even let me use it... at all. so i went back to having to use my grandmas phone and computer to log onto Twitter. for the longest time, i could only be on twitter from 4-8pm on weekdays bc thats whenever i had access. fast foward to april 2016 and im taking a college class across town. all of a sudden, my mom hands me my phone, and im shocked. she says im only having it on a "limited basis". so for about a month, im only allowed to use it outside the house, but they eventually let up. every once in a while, we still get into an argument about it.  may 2016: its time for me to choose what college to go to. my mom had made me apply to a christian university about 30 miles away. i didnt wanna go, but the other college i had been looking at had ran into financial trouble, the big public university in my city didn't accept me, and i didn't wanna go to a community college. plus, the christian university (southeastern University) offered me a bunch of money in scholarships. and i honestly felt forced to go. by august of 2016, things start to drastically change. most of it is in a good way, but there are still some things that are... iffy, for lack of a better term. i’m beginning to lose weight and my grades are actually good for once, but my phone is still taken way at night all the way to december, when they finally stop. then in january 2017, i am finally able to buy an iphone. at this point, everything sort of catches up to the previous post. there’s still loads for me to explain but this is enough for now.

on a side note, it’s amazing how different things are for me now after looking back at all that. i still can’t believe that we are in 2019 and that i graduated high school nearly 3 years ago. i’m gobsmacked at how much i have changed since then. it’s a lot to ponder on. and i’m glad to say that i’m currently at the happiest place i’ve been in for years. maybe ever.

end.

I'm not trying to stir crap up, I'm legitimately curious. How is the celtic cross a nazi symbol? I mean I wear an heirloom celtic cross bc i'm catholic, but your post a few minutes ago and half the political people online nowadays are calling it a hate symbol. I dont get it. Am I just sheltered or something?

That’s a great question, Anon! 

No! I don’t think you’re sheltered at all. I just don’t think that schools do a good enough job of explaining cultural symbolism and theft to kids! 

SO LET’S SEE IF MY TEACHER TRAINING HAS DONE ME ANY GOOD.

The Celtic Cross is a symbol created by the Catholics based on Irish traditions and was first used in the 9th century. For those who don’t know what it looks like, traditionally it’s shaped like this;

It is a symbol that represented the faith! And I am in no way saying that it was a racist symbol originally. 

But on that note, does this look familiar? 

Most of you are saying FUCK YEAH THAT LOOKS FAMILIAR

OMG WHAT 

HOW DARE YOU PLACE THAT THERE FOR ME TO SEE! 

ALSO, WHY HUMANITYINAHANDBAG WOULD YOU, A JEW ,PUT THAT SIGN UP ON YOUR BLOG!?!?!?!?

Because, dear random people, that isn’t a nazi symbol. 

Or, at least, it didn’t used to be. 

The swastika was originally used by Buddhists and Hindus and was a symbol of eternity and peace! 

So now we get into the nitty-gritty of the racist culture. Why are these two symbols, created out of religions to create a sign of comfort for those who worshiped in their faiths, suddenly seen by the world as bad.

Easy. 

Terrorism.

We live in a world where the majority of terrorists are white Christians and Catholics. People can say all they want to me that the biggest threats of terror are Muslims or Satanists or god knows what other arguments are up the sleeves of fragile white folk without eyes or a background in first-grade history, but the answer remains true; the biggest terrorist threat to most of humanity is the white Christian/Catholic. 

The celtic cross was quickly used as a sign of terror when it was sported around by members of the KKK, who rationalized their racist agenda with strong Catholic beliefs. And remember that Buddhist symbol that meant eternity and peace!? Yeah, someone in Germany picked that up, made a mirror image of it (notice how the lines face the opposite directions?) and made it the mascot of his political parties message. 

Because that’s what these are.

They are political messages. 

The KKK is racist, antisemitic, homophobic, and believes any number of things that would rightfully horrify anyone with a brain. But because they state their beliefs, and because they are recognized (either favorably or not) by the states, they are political. 

Hitler came into power because he had a political point to make, and people wanted him in power. 

Their flags became popular because they held positions of power in which these chosen symbols represented their community as a whole. 

So you should absolutely be confused about why your symbol suddenly is being placed onto Tumblr lists about white supremacy. That’s completely rational, and no one is blaming you for that! At least, no one should! These are traditionally created to convey a message of peace and faith to those who look up towards them. 

It becomes an issue when those who come into power with political platforms of hatred and purification take these symbols that aren’t there’s to have and transform them into something different. It’s why many Buddhists have gotten rid of their swastikas, and why I tend to avoid anyone with a Celtic cross. 

In fact, these are both really hot topics right now! And I encourage you all to join in on the debate. 

Many Hindus and Buddhists have actually disowned the swastika as a part of their culture. And many a catholic has taken strides to make their crosses a little less Celtic. 

But the debate over culture and its theft is a heavy one. And there are artists and religious figures who are asking whether or not it would be appropriate to reclaim the symbols that have been written off as so horrendous. So, should a Buddhist be able to display a swastika outside of their door? Should a Catholic be allowed to tattoo that sort of a symbol on their body? 

The debates are current and continuous, and both sides have incredibly well thought out and researched opinions. I won’t explain my side to you since that is personal, and I do intend to keep some of my opinions private, but I encourage you to check it out!

But at the end of the day, one thing is agreed upon by most intelligent, empathetic people, no matter what side they take. 

The originators aren’t the problems. 

Terrorists are. 

Survey #65

“i couldn’t take my eyes off her, but that’s not what i took off that night.”

have you ever wanted to travel to germany?   i have, yes.  if we happen to be blessed with quite a good income, i'd really like to do that once i have children, go on a big family trip to germany.  i'd need to brush up on my german, though! is marijuana legal for "recreational use" where you live? also what is your opinion on the recent legalization of marijuana in certain states?   i don't think it is... but the whole legalization shit is stupid.  you will never convince me that marijuana isn't dangerous.  don't legalize dangerous shit. do you usually have bad symptoms around "that time of the month"?   i'd say i'm luckier than most, now that i've been on the pill.  i get mild cramps, headaches, and i usually break out a bit. how do you feel about being called sweetie/dear/honey/etc.?   i'd have no problem with it.  jason never called me any of those listed though, just "love," which was my favorite anyway. do you have your national flag hanged up anywhere outside your house?   no, we don't. would you ever go to japan?   omg yes!! have you ever been in a choir?
   i was in the church, yes. have you ever had a speech impediment?   i stutter pretty badly. give out your phone number over the internet?    i have to VERY few people. what do people usually think your ethnicity is?   it's pretty obvious i'm caucasian. how do you feel about people using graphic images as a scare tactic to promote their beliefs? (i.e.: peta, abortion…)   do it.  DO IT.  it may be "too much" for someone, but that's how you initiate action, sometimes.  now i mean if you're going to show something ludicrously morbid or something, sure, censor that, please.  some things truly are too much. do you think gender neutral bathrooms are a good idea?   i'm neutral. how about the transgender bathroom business? you know exactly what i'm talking about.   HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA TUMBLR WOULD FUCKING CLOSE MY ACCOUNT IF I SAID ONE WORD ABOUT THIS MATTER. what are some of your favorite websites for online shopping?   rebel's market makes me moist. do you think it’s fair that people are able to make a reasonable salary and live comfortable lives just by making youtube videos?   not in the slightest.  they're entertainers.  just like singers, comedians, etc... inspired by an event at my school: why do you think there’s so much girl-on-girl hate in our culture?   because the country's homophobic. do you have a nice yard? if so, do you spend a lot of time outside in it? if not, where do you go when you want to relax outdoors on nice days?   there's nothing special about it.  and there's nowhere for me to relax if i wanna go outside.  we have no chairs outside or whatever. is there a group of friends that you used to hang out with but no longer do? why don’t you hang out anymore and how do you feel about them now?   i'll admit i was a loose "member" of the gothic/emo/scene/metalheads/whatever clique in high school.  because i identified most with them.  like we all sat together at lunch and such.  it was hilarious, actually; overlooking the cafeteria, there'd just be this big splotch of black. xD  i didn't "know" everyone in the group, just names, just select people.  i miss a good number of them.  we just had this... weird, underlying connection that said "hey, you're like me." how many siblings does your significant other or crush have?   he has one older brother. what is the movie that you have waited the longest for/which film do you remember anticipating the most/are still anticipating?   WHERE THE FUCK IS "THE INCREDIBLES II" do you have any ideas for a story or movie you’re planning to write or you’d write if you got the time/had the talent? please share a synopsis!   i had plenty of story ideas as a kid, but none i never fully went through, except one.  i don't feel like sharing, mostly because i barely remember it. what is something that an interested guy/girl could comment about you, that would make you instantly open to them (e.g., “that book you’re reading is from my favorite author”)?   i wouldn't just magically say "OKAY I TRUST YOU," but it would in fact entice me to trust you easier.  probably if you mentioned being a gmm fan. do you refer to yourself by any sort of fan nickname (belieber, little monster, etc.)?   mythical beast, motherfucker! \m/ do you ever just get lazy and give up on your friendships?   no.  if you think you're going to "get lazy" with a friendship, omg, just fuck off. if you are single, even if you are normally happily single, are there certain specific things you witness that make you wish you were in a relationship (e.g., people getting engaged)?   honestly, i constantly wish i was.  that sounds very desperate and... easy-to-get-ish, but i'm not lying about myself on my own blog.  single life is very lonely to me personally.  i think almost every human seeks knowing someone is interested in them in that sense and will always be there. out of all your usernames for websites, which one is your favorite? do you use it for more than one site?   my name almost everywhere is "ozzkat," which i really like, as it combines two of my favorite things. are there any cities near you that you’re afraid to go to because of the crime rate or its other bad reputations?   fuck sharpsburg.  where i grew up. do you grandparents ever judge you or stick their heads in your business? if not, is there someone else in your life you dread seeing because of their unwanted input?   my maternal grandmother is... ugh.  she's very closed-minded about important issues; like she only JUST recently opened up her mind to mental illnesses because of some drama in my family transpiring.  so for a long time, my illnesses were invalid to her.  last time i saw her though, we got along quite well. have you ever spent the whole day (or multiple days) just looking up one thing on the internet (e.g., videos of your favorite band, how-to videos, quizzes, etc.)?   ha ha omg just a few days back i spent all day with colleen and chels looking up tats, pinning all those i wanted on pinterest! if you ever think about getting married, what are some aspects of the wedding that you would like to see in a non-traditional manner (e.g., a different color dress or “partners” over “husband” and “wife”)?   well first, i do not want a church wedding, and i'm sliiightly considering a black dress to go with the gothic theme i'm hoping for. do you ask for other people's opinions often? on what subjects do you like to get the opinions or advice of others?   yes, i love asking for other people's opinions, mainly when i'm about to make a controversial decision.  god bless the few friends i have that've always been there to give me advice when i need it. what are you religious views or your thoughts on religion in general? how long did it take you to develop them? are you still confused or trying to figure out your religious views?   i am a creationist christian, meaning i do not believe in evolution, but natural selection, as they go in opposite directions.  this is a VERY fascinating subject and i'd love to give anyone curious a link to the blog post that instilled this belief in me.  i also believe the world was not created in six literal days, but rather the "days" stood for junctures of time.  i'm not sure which christian denomination that is.  i was raised a catholic, so i've literally always believed in god, but i turned to christianity alone in high school i think, as well as creationism when my former best friend mini exposed me to it.  i am not confused in my religion, no.  i'm quite confident in it. are you a rule follower? do you get angry if other people break the rules? can you remember a time that you have broken a rule?   it depends on the rule, really.  ex. i won't kill a person, but i'll download a song illegally.  all depends on what it is, if i support the rule, or if it's legally punishable, honestly. what songwriter do you consider to be one of the best lyricists?   CRADLE OF FILTH AND OTEP OMG SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY have you ever cried from physical pain?   as an adult?  yeah.  i fucking sobbed when i was getting my cyst emptied. what do you like best about taking surveys? do you use them to discuss current events in your personal life?   i like that they give me a chance to just... vent.  i get to talk about my life, yes, and i at least believe i can do it without being lectured. do you feel comfortable being about people your own age? do you feel like you "fit in" with people your age? in general, do you like spending time with people older or younger than yourself?   i feel... inferior to most people my age, honestly.  i don't think i fit in because i do far more unimpressive things compared to most people of my age group.  i'm not in school, i have no job, i'm not traveling to europe, i'm not married, i'm not raising a kid... i just don't feel like i belong.  simultaneously though, i like hanging out with people older than me because they're usually more mature. have you ever read more than one book at once? do you do this often?   i'm sure i have for school, but i don't do that anymore.  i don't read period. what is your favorite book series, and what is your favorite book out of that series?   ha ha omg i was MAD into the "warriors" (you know, the cat books) series in middle school through some of high school.  maybe even in elementary, i don't remember.  i don't have a favorite book in the series though, i think. who do you think reads these?   *shrugs*  i've seen my surveys taken before by people (easy to tell when everything's lower-cased and long as fuck lmao), so i guess they may read some of my answers while adding in their own.  some random tumblr users find them too, probably. can you change the oil on a car?   i cannot. the first time you discovered power:   ... i don't want to go into much detail on this, because after i thought about this question for a minute or so, i realized i have only ever felt power in a sexual situation.  i'm such a submissive person and just don't experience feeling powerful.  after thinking just now, i think me being such the sexual tease i am has to do with feeling powerful.  this is... really wrong, but i enjoyed the anticipatory knowing that jason wanted me a certain way, and because he's a man with respect, i had the say whether he could have me or not.  please do not confuse this for me saying i was controlling with my ex-boyfriend, i was incredibly submissive to him in general, but i felt in control in some sense.  for once. SCARIEST video game monster?   but... i've played so many horror games!!  uhhhh... well, i HATED the regenerators in "resident evil 4."  that fucking smile was horrifying.  hmmm... i also really hate/love the keeper/boxhead from "the evil within" bECAUSE OF HIS FUCKING WALK/JOG.  THAT thing storming towards you like that?  NO THANKS!  the one monster, however, that i think would frighten me the most in real life would be the clickers from "the last of us."  fuck those things.  they're disgusting and horrid. something someone said or did that you found extremely attractive:   well i mean, tons of things.  the thing that i believe affected me the most though was probably the time jason, in a whisper, called me his wife while we were "doing things."  he started out so afraid of commitment, and to hear him call me that in such a confident-sounding whisper, it meant... a lot.  but well.  he's gone now. something you've done that someone at least seemed to FIND extremely attractive:   lmaaoooo i'm open af on tumblr but the thing i've ever done i think jason found the most attractive, i shall not repeat.  i promise, you'd thank me. the farthest distance you would travel now to be with someone you desire:   for jason?  i'd go to the other end of the planet. what you dislike most about having a committed relationship:   i mean, i guess after you've been with someone so long, you're afraid of leaving the person even when necessary for your health.  if you're in a healthy relationship though, there's nothing i can really think of to complain about... your sexiest feature:   ... can hands be sexy?  because they're the only thing i like lmao the physical feature for which you are most often complimented:   my hair, def. a place where you have always wanted to make love:   ... a church fucking murder me the most perverted situation you have ever been in:   LOLOLOL LET'S NOT the first time you achieved orgasm:   i never have, but i think i got like agonizingly close once and had a panic attack because i didn't understand what was going on.  yes, i am truly that pathetic lmao. a person you regret sleeping with:   no one. a person you regret not sleeping with:   first i don't regret literally sleeping with jason, but i'm assuming in this context, you mean "having sex with."  in that case, jason. a fantastic kisser you have known:   only ever kissed jason, and i am QUITE sure there's no one i'll meet who'll be better.  like ffs he only had one partner before me and certain things he did with me he didn't with his ex, yet he always seemed to know what to do...? the book, song, or movie title that best describes your sexuality:   uhhh.  idk? you have a great amount of guilt regarding:   practically sexting my former best friend's boyfriend when i was like 12.  and i was the one who got them together. a moment in your life when your emotions froze and you felt absolutely nothing:   when jason told me he was talking to dillon about our relationship in a negative context... i knew. you are haunted by the memory of:   everyone knows by now. one of your most peaceful moments:   lying with jason on the trampoline, looking up at the stars... a sickness or disease you fear:   more than anything?  alzheimer's/dementia.  i can't forget.  i can't.  i don't care how tragic my life's been, i don't want to fucking forget. a reason for which you would seriously contemplate suicide:   if jason died.  i'd more than consider it. your greatest fear about marriage:   divorce.  marriage is supposed to be for forever; i don't want to marry the wrong person. what's your mood right this minute?   i'm actually... okay-ish.  for once in my life.  i'm talking to my friend jax about a private subject, and it's opening my mind to some possibilities about certain things.  i feel like a weight's crumbling from my shoulders. ever had an internal worm?   NONONONONONONONONO PLEASE GOD NEVER THEY TERRIFY ME FUCK THAT have you ever been in a lighthouse?   no, but i'd love to. :< do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants?   i always get the same meal when i go to any restaurant. you have the option to have sex right now. do you do it?   only if it's with jason, yeah. would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?   depends on the subject. do any medical problems run in your family?   OHHH GOD HERE GOES.  let's see.  heart disease, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, cancer, depression, anxiety, bipolarity, and i can absolutely guarantee i'm forgetting some... something you really want right now?   i'd rather not say. have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating?   i have not. how long have you been using tumblr?   not even a year yet. what was the last pill you took?   idk.  i take my morning pills in bulk. where was the last place you got completely wasted?   i've never been completely wasted. describe god:   i'd... rather not with how life is right now. your most spiritual moment:   i still believe i had a dream once sent to me by god.  when i was much younger, i had a dream that i walked outside onto my front porch, and two geese, one white, one black, flew in sync with each other to perch before me.  they morphed into my grandfather, who smiled at me, and my former cat midnight, who meowed.  i really do feel like this was god reminding me my loved ones will always watch over me, because the feeling it gave me, it was holy. how you picture the end of the world:   the biblical definition, i guess.  pretty much everything that can go wrong, goes wrong.  it sounds terrifying. do you feel that most wars started because of religious conflicts?   i am honestly not knowledgeable about aaaall the wars in our history to determine this answer fairly.  i do, however, believe a good majority are related to religion. does life exist on other planets?   no.  speaking of "life on other planets," isn't it funny how a trace of water on mars is called life, but an unborn fetus isn't?? do you believe we are descendants of adam and eve?   yes, i do. the first step toward resolving poverty:   hunny, i wish i could tell you.  there are a LOT of factors to this. the worst crime against humanity:   hm.  i honestly don't know what i consider the worst.  i'll think about that and come back to this question if i think of anything. the minimum punishment for those who molest children should be:   fucking kill them. your most beautiful childhood memory of your parents:   probably something regarding fishing... your most horrifying childhood memory of your parents:   hearing my mom screaming in ashley's room, calling her a slut, a whore, worrying i'd be in ashley's place some day... a friend you would name as a godparent to your child:   if we're even still friends then... colleen. the moment you are most ashamed of:   i've told this story enough times.  it's the same moment i'm most embarrassed of. someone who shared this moment with you:   um.  his name is joel. what do you think of people who have fake relationship statuses (like married to their best friend) on facebook?   i mean it's whatever, but it may be frustrating if you wanna know if that person is really in a relationship without asking. if your employer looked at your facebook page, do you think they'd fire you?   lmao after seeing i'm conservative, i'm sure. do you wish facebook had a "dislike" button or would that cause too many arguments?   i'm neutral.  i see both sides. who's your favorite band? how long have they been your favorite?   ozzy and metallica have been two of favorites since middle school started, and the others, i don't really remember.  my most recent favorite band tho is a day to remember, who i've liked for a bit over a year now. do you get annoyed when people try to get you to like their music, even though you've told them before that it's just not your thing?   that's never really happened to me.  now, i've been told my music is pretty much devil music and is nothing about depression, death, and despair because my best friend's fucking ignorant, but she hasn't tried to control the kind of music i like exactly. last concert you were at? was it good?   alice cooper, and it was EPIC.  it was storming and we were all soaking wet outside.  he did that illusion where his head gets chopped off by a guillotine, which was REALLY cool.  towards the end, huge balls were being passed through the crowd and he sang a rendition of "another brick in the wall" by pink floyd and it was just.  holy shit it was badass. who was your favorite band in elementary school? do you still listen to them?   it was probably green day, and yeah, i love them. looking at your appearance alone, would people be surprised to learn that you listen to the music that you do (ex. do you dress goth but listen to country)?   it's pretty obvious what i listen to. pro-gay rights or anti-gay rights?   i am for rights towards certain parts of the LGBTQ+ community.  i'm sorry to tell you, but i sincerely believe there are... certain sexual/gender-oriented decisions... that are not "real."  i won't go into detail on tumblr because it's a liberal parade and frankly i don't feel like hearing it. separation of church and state or no?   DEPENDS DEPENDS DEPENDS.  it REALLY depends on the very unique situation. prayer in school, yay or nay?   you'd best let a child pray to themselves in school. free healthcare (like in canada), good or bad?   make it free, yes. using the word "slut" against women--okay or not okay?   against a woman who deserves it?  sure.  before every fucking reader gets triggered, a slut is merely defined as a feminine character who has multiple sexual partners without much commitment.  ummm, last time i checked, there are women who do JUST that???  it's just a fact???  i'm white.  you can call me white without fucking offending me.  same thing for a "slut," i'd merely be stating a fact about you.  people have made such a big fucking deal out of this word. if you were pregnant, how long would you wait to write something about it on facebook?   OH BOY IT'D BE QUICK.  probably right after my husband knew, really!  i've already got pregnancy announcements planned!  i want to make a really creative pregnancy announcement photograph with my hubby, those are like... my favorite pictures ever. (: when you're on a first date with someone, do you like it when they ASK if they can kiss you?   i'm not really into the idea of a first date kiss, but yeah, i think i'd appreciate being asked. in your opinion, is omitting some of the truth the same thing is lying?   hm.  i do believe i- well... i don't know.  it depends on what you say, i guess, but in general, you're not lying yet...? what's your favorite kind of lip piercing? (monroe, labret, snakebites, etc.)   vertical labret!!!  i really like these because i feel it enunciates the symmetry of your face. what's the most annoying "type" of drunk person?   well i mean, this is far more repulsive than annoying, but angry drunks. at what time in your life were you happiest? if it was in the past, would you want to go back and relive it, though still knowing all the things you know now? if you had the option, would you choose (if it’s in the present) or have chosen to stay here/there forever and never learn anything new?   the whole time i was dating jason.  the first one or two years were the best.  but would i go back there, knowing what i do now?  no.  i can't.  there's no way i could. when is the right time to start having sex with someone you’ve become romantically interested in?   honestly this is the same thing as a question i answered earlier today about when to consider getting engaged.  time doesn't really determine this, but rather the intensity of the bond created.  in general again though, i'd personally wait about a year, i suppose, to ensure you're both very serious about these feelings. if you honestly heard the voice of god talking to you, would you tell anyone? how would you tell them? (i.e., "Conversations with god" is a result of the author claiming to have heard god’s voice loud and clear, but some people would have gone packing to the mental institution, and others would have told their church… etc.)   i would hate that, honestly.  i don't wanna be hearing voices, regardless of who you are.  but i do believe i'd tell my mom, but probably only her. have your parents ever told you that you couldn’t hang out with a certain someone?   that i couldn't, no, that they didn't recommend it, yes. could you forgive a boyfriend or friend who physically hurt you?   LMAO NOPE BYE FAM do you take care of your friends when they’re sick?   the only person i've ever truly taken care of when sick was jason when he had bronchitis. do you own any real diamonds or other expensive jewelry?   i don't think so. has anyone ever gave you jewelry as a present?   mhmm. do you like diamonds or gemstones better?   other gemstones, def. silver or gold?   gold.  i find it prettier and i can't wear silver anyway, i'm allergic. what kind of soda is your favorite?   mountain dew, shamefully. do you use any acne products?   not anymore. what do you take when you have an upset stomach?   peptobismol do you get angry when people criticize your taste in music, or do you just shrug it off?   when people say they don't like it, not at all, but if you're gonna straight-up criticize it like it's "bad" or "wrong" or something...?  i won't get angry, but definitely annoyed.  i find it aesthetically pleasing.  you find your music aesthetically pleasing.  shut the fuck up. have you ever smoked?   i have not.

N A K E D in H O L L Y W O O D

my autobiography, to be published daily or weekly,  AS IT IS WRITTEN. 

BEYOND SELF PUBLISHING: this is a 100% OPEN BOOK PROJECT 

-where I publish (share) AS (not after) I write, allowing readers to experience not just an autobiography but the experience of WRITING the autobiograpy as well.

on TUMBLR will be the BOOK in progress and eventualy, finished.

on FACEBOOK will be daily or weekly chapters/installments.

____________________________________________________________

PART 1

WHY WRITE AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY? Of course, its about the life of Christian Mark Christian but I intend to go into deeper themes as well:

1. God. If you are averse to God or Judaeo-Christian concepts about God, I hope you will not be “put off” by occasional references I will have to make in the course of remembering my life. My plan is not to be IN YOUR FACE about God but spiritual seeking has always been a huge part of my life and to omit this part would be to make the whole story a big lie.

2. VALUE - how we value our lives and our identity is critical to me and my development as a man. There is a fine line between thinking we are “so great that someone needs to write a book about us” and “our lives dont matter.” I have struggled GREATLY my whole life with feelings that my life isnt important, that I dont matter, that Ive been rejected and abandoned. Writing this will be the greatest therapy I can imagine. Writing this is telling myself, reminding myself, that I AM IMPORTANT and SO ARE YOU. 

3. Autobiography in the age of Interactivity. I’m not sure how many projects like this have been published online or in print but the thought occured to me that an autobiography can be, for the first time in history, more than a “book;” it can be an interactive EXPERIENCE. I can include links in my writing that take the reder to the places I am referencing. 

4. “To know is to love.” Honestly one thing that has always frustrated and disappointed me is that I feel like many or even MOST people “dont get me.” 

Too often I hear the word “weird” to describe me, when I would prefer to hear “unique” or “unusual.” I really am not even a fan of the word “eccentric.” 

Was Steve Jobs “weird?” Was Van Gogh “weird.”? Is Elon Musk “weird?” 

My feeling is that “weird” is considered a negative connotation or description, one I do not want and one that is hurtful when used to describe me. I dont feel like anyone who really knows me would ever call me “weird.” So,one huge function of this book is to eradicate the word “weird” as a description of Christian Mark Christian, once and for all and replace it with UNIQUE or RARE.  

Yeah, through no choice of my own, I’ve endured some things that are not typical of most lives. 

My dad’s suicide and that, co-inciding with the loss, at the same time, (divorce) of my Step-Dad. 

Millions have lost a Dad or a step dad through divorce or suicide but not as many have suffered both losses in the same year. 

Genius level IQ at age 7. 

Grew up around the world. 

Shared a 2-bedroom apartment with my Mom, until I got married at age 44.

Living with my ex-wife in an apartment in Hollywood, in an effort to heal and reconcile. 

Yeah-these are not typical of todays American “man”. I’m not “proud” of these things; nor am I ashamed of these things; I never planned on my life going the way it did. 

Regardless-when I became a Christian, at age 36,when I was “Born again,” I Iearned that God (if you choose to believe) “makes all things new” and “uses everything-even negative things, for eventual and ultimate good.” 

Regardless of the pain and tragedy I’d experienced, I was taught that it would all be used in a positive way, in time. 

Maybe this BOOK is that “positive way.” Maybe some who can relate will get a degree of emotional healing by reading; thats certainly my hope. 

But “to know is to Love.” I feel confident that many of my friends, in reading this book, will get to know me much better and in that, will be able to love me more. And who doesnt want to be loved.... and loved some more?

____________________________________________________________

part I

I was a second and final son, born seven years after my brother, into a USAF family, in Altus, Oklahoma. WWII was far enough behind but had left scars on my pilot Dad's psyche.

James (Jim) Charles Ralph, my Dad, dreamed of being an artist/illustrator for Foote, Cone & Belding, a top advertising agency. His creative dreams were cut short when the US let go of an isolationist foreign policy, geared up for war and he was drafted as a 19 year old, into the skies over his ancestral homeland (Germany.) 

As I understand it, Pearl Harbor "woke" us to the need to become involved again in foreign wars. Isolationist foreign policy would become a relic of the past; we quickly entered a war on several continents. 

Dad had grown up in Glendale, CA. a suburb that has since become a major Armenian cultural enclave in L.A. Ironic that I sit here typing this around eighty years later--a few miles west in another little enclave (part of Hollywood) officially called "Little Armenia." It really shows me that the themes and threads and patterns of life are stronger than we might think. In my case, I’ve been told that  the Apple hasnt fallen far from the tree.”

Armenia was, historically, the first place in the world where the name "Christian" was used to denote a follower of Christ. My primary care physician is Armenian and I am friends with several Armenians, so there seems to be a connection here, maybe one that will be explored in more depth as I write this...

-or maybe not.

The marriage was tempestuous. Jim, returning from the war and stationed at McDill AFB in Tampa, was driving a convertible and, the story goes, saw my Mom, Terry-a pretty young teen who modeled fashions for a local Department store. He was a handsome "flyer" or "Airman" and she fell for him, unaware of a Church background that would eventually drive a wedge between her his family.

  My paternal Grandmother, Carolyn Care, was a devout "Christian Scientist” as my Aunt still is, at age 90-something.

She would insist that my Mom, who was a typical American mainstream Protestant Christian, submit to her and the Churches doctrine. "Science" is about the idea that all things are merely the projection of "mind" and that evil or sickness cant exist unless we agree with it and "project" it (wrongful thinking) on ourselves. I always questioned this growing up. Even at a young age, I sensed something about it I had trouble with. Later, as an adult who accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior through various “Word of Faith” ministries, I saw that there was at least partial truths in “Science” even though I still could not follow Mary Baker Eddy’s doctrine in it’s entirety.

Apparently, several months pregnant with me, my Mom contracted pnuemonia or a similar ailment. Carolyn insisted that Terry not see the physician at the Altus Air Force base hospital but turn to a "Christian Science" practitioner instead. Rebelling finally, my Mom went to see the doctor at the base. He supposedly told her that, had she waited even another day, she might have lost the baby (me.) 

Only a few years later, at a Base in San Antonio, Texas, the troubled marriage fell apart with my Mom falling in love with my Pediatrician. I had asthma, most likely something that was brought on by the stress of my parents troubled marriage and she routinely brought me to see him at the base. Regardless of whether I chose to make these things a focus or no

t, they did shape who I choose to be today. I was raised from age 6-7 to 18, by a Pediatrician step-Dad (with my Mom) but my Paternal families Christian Science also had a strong influence on my thinking. 

It was an incredible duality and one I'm doubtful that many (or any?) others have experienced: a parental control and influence struggle between the ideals of Big pharm/modern medicine and "christian science," between the medical establishment and the "alternative healing" movements that originated in Christian metaphysical camps in19th century America.

Today, Health Care is probably the biggest debate in America. And the debate rages around the same two poles- alternative healing vs traditional medicine. Having deep experiential knowledge of both, puts me in a very unique position. Seeking, finding and practicing right doctrine ("righteousness") is central to my life and you can see why: wrong doctrine might have aborted me before I was born. RIght doctrine might have saved my life. The truth about God, his Love and his healing power, is not just "armchair theology" or something I engage in on special Holidays; its always at the core of every decision I make, every day of my life.

PART II

After surviving my Moms sickness and coming into this world as "Mark James Ralph," my first memory of infancy comes from our two story home in Cambridge, UK. where we moved when I was about 2?

My Dad was stationed at Alconbury AFB, about 25 miles away from Cambridge. I actually remember climbing out of my 2nd floor crib and crawling down the stairs, into the living area where my parents and 8 or 9 yr old brother were gathered!

Eventually I started walking and my best friend, a Brit, Andrew lived across the street.

We lived near open land where some Cows lived. I remember a Harvester machine that was called a “Combine” for some reason that I dont know.  I guess seeing it up close-the machinery, the complexity, the sheer power. The blades and the wheat being “threshed”. -All biblical themes, impressed me greatly...

We lived in a suburb of Cambridge, near some farmland and near a stand of trees called "the woods." 

My first "naked" (sexual) experiences were in Cambridge. I saw a male cow on the other side of the fence I was standing by, attempting to mate, jump up on top of a female cow. I was only a few feet away, on the other side of the fence--what the male cow did was so sudden, so unexpected and seemed -I dont have the word for it- not "brutal" (because it was "love" but invloved thousands of pounds of weight and muscle that could have killed a small child had I been involved!) but maybe just “alarming.” I was only about 4 or 5.

Now I’m going to bring up some very personal, private things that most people only reveal to their therapist. They may or may not end up in the final edit however I feel obligated, because of the name of the book-obligated to include them here...

I also initiated a "curious" childhood intimate encounter with Andrew in my bathroom at that time. I mention this only to bring up the topic of gay indocrination. I have no idea why, to this day but this "gay" encounter did not result in my growing up gay.

A few years later, in Wichita Falls, Texas, I initiated another "curious" encounter with a girl my age. We knelt down beside the wheel well of a car in the parking lot of our Apt complex, "TheTimbers" in the dark, at night, where I lifted her skirt to investigate her private parts.

She seemed to go along with it; at least there were no protests, as there had been none with Andrew. Apparently, I preferred the "female" more than the male because I never again had a sexual encounter with a male. Interesting that I remember Andrews name but not the girls name! Is this kind of thing just wired into our DNA? I think so.

I'm not sure what this says about the "born gay" issue but there it is... The result (I think) of these encounters, was this: even as a very young child, I had strong sexual urges which I had no trouble acting on when the opportunity arose. I dont remember sexual feelings ever becoming obsessive ( a good thing) but they were for sure there.

On another note, I remember walking off with Andrew (I think) into the local "woods." Woods is a cool name that has returned as the Church (M O S A I C) I attend locally uses the word in place of "Hollywood." They have several Campuses and use the term "The Woods" for the Hollywood Campus.

Andrew and I apparently, around age 4-5? decided to go on a hike into the woods one day, without telling anyone. My parents (not sure about his) were pretty upset. When I returned, they were happy I was safe. I never did anything so "adventurous" again. I think that was because I didnt want my parents to be so stressed.

I also remember a somewhat traumatic event around the time I was in my crib: my brother had caught a minnow, in a local stream. He had kept it in a jar aqaurium placed on my windowsill. The disturbing thing was that the fish jumped out of its "cage" (the jar) one day and out the window, falling two stories to its death on the concrete (or something hard) surface below.

By age 4 or 5, I had already seen and/or experienced both sex and death. Hollywood, here I (decades later) came.  

Part III

Ahhh, England. I have such fond memories of the years I spent there as a child-truly formative years and I am so deeply thankful that my formative years were spent there. To my best recollection, I spent my 2nd, 3rd and 4th years in Cambridge. 

When I began to speak (at a precocious young age) I spoke with an English accent. I remember my Mom dropping me off at "Shrubbery School" for the first time and the fear of abandonment I felt.I remember my first teacher, a wonderful Lady named "Mrs Clark" and how I related that to a candy bar that existed around that time, known as a "Clark Bar." 

My Mom dropped my off in our English Sports car-I think it was red, a "Sunbeam Alpine." That car was shipped all the way to Texas eventually and my Mom kept it even through her divorcing my Dad. Cambridge was rich with experience and wonder. I cant imagine a more perfect place for my early years and it left a deep appreciation for Brits in my soul, still there to this day. I would go so far as to even call myself an "Anglophile."

At school, we memorized the multiplication tables and began to learn the alphabet-at age 4! When we moved to San Antonio, TX, -when I was five-the school system there wanted to place me in Kindergarten! 

Thank god for the Mt Olive Lutheran School (off the 410 "loop") -where my parents eventually enrolled me. They were still not as advanced as Shrubbery School back in Cambridge, did but at least a better option than public schools.

My mind is flooded with lush beautiful imagery from Cambridge: 

-my Mom riding horseback in the countryside with her Horse riding club 

(and how later that might have played a factor in two girls I was attracted to and a novel "Diana" that affected me deeply in my teens) 

-My brother Christopher playing "conker" with Chestnuts tied to sholeaces! (only the brits would devise a game like this!)

-My brother relating a Jaguar or some other sports car "flying" by his school at some increditble speed. The drama and awe with which he related this formed in me an early apprecation for fast cars,one which has continued to this day.

The "punts" on the Cam river and the gorgeous Colleges in Cambridge, that all seemed to be named after Jesus or Mary! 

When I hear Christians acting as though the intellect isnt important now, I cringe. Cambridge was the birthplace of intellectualism and Christian thought. C.S. Lewis lived and worked there. Christianity is the most advanced culture of philosophy and Academic systems. The fact that atheism largely eradicated these roots  in the 20th Century is a very sad thing indeed and something I hope my life can be part of reversing. For Centuries, being a Christian and being an intellectual, a thinker, were synonomous. While I appreciate experiential knowledge and mysticism, lets not throw out suc a glorious inheritance so easily.

."http://histclo.com/country/eng/pe/pe60johnsc.html

NOTES for more stories to come: 1. B-day in St Tropez, the large round tray of raosted nuts, possible topless female sunbathers. The back seat of the VW bug, winding through the mountains in South of France, then LifeCycling through the area as an adult working out "Spinning" Berchtesgarden, the Bus, the rock thrown down the cliff into the forest, the rock that broke something...My brother and the Jaguar going 100. Shrubbery School, the rubbish can, "conquer" nut game with chestnuts. My brothers weird hobby of using sewing kits to lower things out hotel windows, then later doing the same to recover bottle caps in San Antonio. The possibility of this project being a catalyst for restoring my relationship with my brother and even step-Dad. How God restores family. The "punts" on the river Cam, Wimpy Burges and Brits eating burgers with knife and fork. How I envisined "the states" and in my mind saw a Giant "steak. The pass-through window-a first architectural design feature. My first bike, how I copied Andrew and the bike had front wheel brakes, how we'd ride around the block. Snow, and my first snowman, snowball fights.going w my family into some woods where my Dad chopped down a Christmas tree. First Christmas's. Alconbury AFB, the hangar. I was impressed and it made my Dad look so cool. I felt bad that he had to drive 25 miles, that seemed so far. Our trips to London. FIsh & Chips. Sightseeing, the trains. The White cliffs of Dover. My favorite TV show about the creatures that lived on the banks fo the river.

Highlights of a life well and not so well, lived:                        

Lived in or visited: the UK, Germany, The Netherlands, Belgium, Texas, MS, NorCal, FLA, DC, Virginia, West VA, New Orleans, AZ, New Mexico, Austria, Switzerland, Denmark, France. HIGHLIGHTS:

Celebrated my 4th B-day in the South of France. Crossed the English Channel age, 12 on a Hover craft

Visited (Hitler’s lair in Berchtesgarden) age 4.

Visited Monticello (Jefferson’s home) age 4

Crossed the Atlantic in a commercial Airliner several times, aged 4-14.

Skied in the Swiss Alps and Lake Tahoe, age 10-12.

Lived in a Penthouse on the Rhine river, age 11-12.

Rode the train from Wiesbaden to Stuttgart, Germany age 12.

Visited Castles on the Rhine river, age 11-13.

Flew, as 10 yr old passenger, in a small Cessna, from San Diego to Tampa.

Rode or drove from the South or Texas, to CA, several times age 10-30’s.

Crossed the Pacific (Hawaii) as an adult.Vacationed in Maui, Palm Springs, Santa Barbara, Switzerland, The Netherlands, London, Paris.

Attended several F1 “Grand Prix” races around Europe and Long Beach, CA and Autosports events, age 8-12, Around America. Won several non-pro autosports trophies, age 20-22. Won #1 Singles (Tennis) MVP Trophy in High School, age 18.  

Got to State Finals on HS Tennis team age 18.

Won several 1st place ribbons in Biloxi, MS Art Shows, age 17.

Was offered Art Scholarship to Ole Miss University, age 18.

Paid $5000 to write a Greek Comedy movie script (Middle Age)

Twice paid $5000 to paint oil portraits (Middle Age)

Starred in a Prime Time major News Network Reality Show (one episode) (Middle Age)

Enjoyed hundreds of hikes in Griffith Park and other local trails. (Middle Age)

Had two jobs as live-in Private Chef in a $1.5M luxury Homes (Middle Age) in the Hills, in L.A.

Was hired by Ben Affleck, given my own trailer and worked on an Oscar winning film (ARGO, as on-camera hand double/sketch artist) Middle Age. As a visionary: saw self driving cars, in 2002, mobile hands free phones in 1995, “Gravity” script, in the 1980’s, MTV music videos, at age 12, years before MTV, the Hyperloop in 1995. Written 12 feature film “spec” scripts (Young-Middle Age) Married 11 years, divorced and re-established financial trust with my ex wife, now close friends and writing partners with her. Have experienced total melt-down/destruction of a marriage and the total rebuilding of that friendship. Have been friends with a few celebs. (actors, singers) Partied in Hollywood clubs and luxury homes, all over Los Angeles, hundreds of times. 25--Middle age Attended numerous Pop Music or Rock concerts at almost every venue all over Los Angeles. Age 12-Middle Age Interviewed on a West L.A. Sound stage, along with 5 of my paintings, for a SHOWTIME 35 mm film doc on Marilyn Monroe that Premiered at the Palm Springs Int. Film Festival, age-30’sAttended the Premiere of that Film, in Palm Springs, where I enjoyed minor, fleeting celebrity status.My art appeared once, in PEOPLE magazine.

30’sI enjoyed backstage at a MOODY BLUES concert at Universal Amphitheater.

20’sI had a Publicist for my Art -30’s.

I’ve had front-row box seats at the Hollywood Bowl. Middle AgeI

met the Great-grandson of the founder of Hollywood. Middle age

I’ve visited or worked on, every major studio lot in Los Angeles and Hollywood. Young-Middle AgeI’ve enjoyed beaches in Maui, Los Angeles, Northern California, Mississippi, Florida and The Netherlands. 4-Middle Age I attempted to surf in Malibu. 20’s Been to Art Museums all over the world, including numerous visits to the Getty in Brentwood. 4-Middle Age Helped my architect brother flip homes many times in Los Angeles. 20’sDesigned many residences as an Architecture student/aspiring architect, in High School. Designed and contracted a hip, post-modern Silver Lake Laundry to Bathroom conversion, in budget. Middle Age Enjoyed hundreds of great shoulder/full body/foot massages Young-Middle age Swam in secluded pools on Maui -Middle AgeHad amazing revelatory spiritual experiences as a Christian 20’s-Middle Age. Attended/Worshipped Jesus at almost 20 different Church locations all over Los Angeles over 1000 times since 1993. Studied every major religion in depth 20’s-Middle Age. Sold almost 200 original paintings. 20’s Middle Age Had several one-man shows at Cacao, a popular West L.A. Coffee shop, owned by the Designer of iconic BigFoot Lodge in Atwater Village. 30’sCurated several group shows at Cacao. 30’s Participated in several ground breaking group show/parties at the infamous Black Cat Gallery in Mar Vista. Middle Age Been paid as: Photographer, Designer, Contractor, Writer, Musician, Oil Portraitist, Organizer and Chef. 12-Middle Age Worked on almost 200 professional movie, TV or commercial sets in a variety of positions. Middle Age Written, Directed and Produced several low budget short films and/or videos. Middle Age Created authentic food from many international cuisines. 30’s Middle Age Enjoyed about $5000-$10,000 in the finest restaurant cuisine in L.A., New Orleans, Germany, the Netherlands and France. 4-Middle age Briefly co-owned, with my then-wife, a catering company which catered several events. Middle Age Briefly co-owned, with a friend, a failed Hollywood event company. Middle Age.

Sorry for long post, but anything you can say will help. Deeply personal.

Tumblr is a super weird experience for me, with just who and what I am. To kind of put a million labels on me at once (the labels that I know of), I am a seemingly-but-not-always white-passing light-skinned Egyptian Muslim capable of growing an afro who is heteroromantic, bi-curious, demisexual-ish (I can be sexually attracted to anyone, but I’d almost never take clothes off unless it was with someone I was in love with), cisgendered male, was essentially raised on Western (mostly American, some British) media influence with English as a first language and hardly able to speak Arabic despite it being my native language, legally an American citizen, with diagnoses of depression, anxiety and ADHD, with an education background of partially physics, animation and partially game design at a university level (the partialies are due to dropping out because of depression). Also, I was ‘a gifted child’, aka I was naturally adept at science and math, and dropped the humanities like a hot rock as soon as I could.

And that’s what I can think of off the top of my head.

(The rest is put under ‘keep reading’ because the post is super long. If you have the time or energy to read this and just say anything to help, I’d super appreciate it. If not, I appreciate you reading this far. If you didn’t read this far, I still appreciate you following me anyway, because it helps make it feel like tumblr is worth doing, even though audience isn’t the reason why I use tumblr in the first place.)

This, of course, not only leads to huge amounts of internal anxiety with regards to “who or what the fuck am I”, being Egyptian and Muslim but having been raised and immersed in Western and Christian or Athiest media. But following the diverse blogs of Tumblr makes it even more confusing. Specifically black tumblr, not because there’s anything wrong with black tumblr, but black tumblr has made me ask myself questions that I never would have thought to ask myself. But all sorts of tumblr (especially social justice tumblr or educational discourse tumblr talking about geography or history) have had this effect on me too.

Like, what does it mean to be African? Am I African? I actually had to go up to my mom and ask that question, because it bugged me so much and I just didn’t have the answer, and there’s an apparent distinction between Africa and North Africa, where Egypt is in North Africa. But also, I can grow an afro. When I was still in the states and working as a cashier at a dry cleaning place, I actually asked a couple of black co-workers if they thought I could grow an afro. When they responded with “yeah, I could see a Jew-fro”, I had to show them this video of me getting the largest afro I’d grown shaved. They were surprised, to say the least (and it was totally worth the look on their faces). But like, black tumblr has a habit of calling curly hair ‘black hair’ and I somehow feel like I can’t own my hair? But I’m technically African, but does that allow me the same courtesy?

And, like, obviously I don’t want to be That Asshole™, cultural appropriation is such a huge thing and I don’t want to promote it in any way, shape or form. But I have curly hair, I can naturally grow an afro, been able to do it my whole life, how do I embrace that without accidentally promoting cultural appropriation? If the answer seems obvious, there’s the ‘sometimes-but-not-always white-passing’ thing which I go into detail later on. I also know that black tumblr isn’t intentionally looking at my obscure, one off tumblr that has 57 followers and saying “let’s make this ONE individual paranoid about what he can or can’t do or say about his hair”. I’m not egotistical or narcissistic enough to think my opinion matters that much to an entire tumblr culture for them to try and send me a message, but I feel that there’s enough of a message for me to at least be concerned about what my actions might unintentionally say.

It also doesn’t help that my family hasn’t really learned about taking care of afros since I was kind of a pariah in wanting an afro and my family insists I look better without one and that what little I’ve learned about taking care of afros I’ve learned from black tumblr. Also, depression makes it hard to get out of bed or even take a shower, so taking care of my afro is kind of out of the question at the moment.

There’s also another awkward one of “How Arab am I?” That question is multi-layered, partially due to my westernization through the media I consumed, my faulty ability with the Arabic language, the fact that I’ve had too many Egyptians in Egypt ask me where I’m from (I’ve answered with ‘Egyptian but raised in America’ which gets people to not ask more questions).

And then there’s also the part of what does it mean to be Egyptian as well. Like, specifically Egyptian. Should I be proud of my ancestors? Is that even *my* legacy? Or has my legacy been so muddied by the multiple empires that have conquered Egypt that I can’t lay any claim to it? My family trees can also be traced back to Tunisia (Carthage specifically), Morocco and Lebanon (I’m quarter Lebanese so that’s sorta the easiest to trace), but that’s only looking at two straight lines and an obvious link and almost none of the other branches of my family tree are really explored. Like, my family almost entirely hails from Alexandria, I have great grandparents that fought in World War 2 for Egypt and that’s quite a few generations of living in Egypt, so potentially one of my ancestors was Ancient Egyptian, right?

But THEN there’s also the legacy of Egyptians, the muddied part I mentioned because, at one point, Coptic Christians were the dominant population before Islam became a thing, and then Egypt became part of the Islamic Empire, which resulted in 80% of the current Egyptian population being Muslim now. But also, Ancient Egypt was a thing. And Ancient Egypt traded with Ancient Greece and that’s it’s own bag which I don’t even have all the information on that. Let’s also not forget the Jewish Egyptians that exist in the world. Or the fact that Jews had to run away from Egypt (God, that one Hannukah I attended with my ex-girlfriend was awkward).

There’s also the whole fetishization of Ancient Egypt by essentially everyone, but also holy shit Ancient Egypt was so advanced for its time too, which no wonder why people are obsessed with it, but then it kinda gets weird and it’s super complicated to get into right now. There’s also debate about the skin colour of Ancient Egyptians too, and like, if it’s discovered that they were dark-skinned, do I have no right and no claim to my ancestry?

And THEN there’s what it means to be Muslim, and how some of what I’ve been told clashes heavily with liberal western political ideals (imagine my ass being conservative, HA!). That also clashes with my status as bi-curious, which used to be bisexual (still heteroromantic) but now, isn’t? I don't know, I’m still very much in this “I have no idea what my sexuality is” stage. Being bullied from an early age and learning to take ‘gay’ as an insult has superbly affected my ability to even consider being called gay. I get REELED at the idea of being called gay or kissing another man, but there’s that bi-curious thing due to some events that will not be described (no abuse, I promise). There’s just so much shit that clashes from these different things. And I don’t even know how to fit the pieces together even remotely.

The ‘seemingly obvious answer’ of ‘you can be all of that’ doesn’t apply when you hear shit like the Egyptian government tracking down gay people through gay dating apps and are actively living in Egypt. I’m not even LOOKING for that kind of thing with another man, and it’s not even a potential future thing in my mind either, since, you know, demisexual-ish. But there’s still that occasional attraction? It’s weird. Just, being me with regards to these things is weird and I can’t fit the pieces together, not on my own. And, also, I always have to ask the question: with being so marginally LGBT, do I even have the right to consider myself as part of the LGBT+ community? With all the stuff that the LGBT+ community go through, how could I, as a heteroromantic bi-curious demisexual, even CONSIDER being a part of the LGBT+ community? It’s such this deep question, and I only have the label of bi-curious because I don’t even know anything that more accurately describes what’s happening in my head, you know?

Don’t even get me started on Arab mentality of mental health issues, which further complicates things with my liberal western ideals. Just don’t.

There’s also that fun time my sister accused me of being ‘too westernized’.

God, and then, just, I look at Egypt and I can’t find much to be proud of my people? There’s stuff that is improving, no doubt, but it’s so slow and gradual that it might take a few lifetimes in order for things to even measure up to something I’d consider good standards. But again, are these the ideals of an Egyptian who wants the best for his country, or a foreigner who can only see through the lens of his own privilege? The number of times people have said that “[I am] not Egyptian” because I don’t like a certain Egyptian dish or don’t say a certain thing or whatever other standards I have is absolutely infuriating.

I wish I was one of those people who didn’t need labels to identify themselves. I wish I could just say “I am who I am, that’s okay with me”. But I can’t, I’m just not that kind of person. I’ve had the label of ADHD from when I was first diagnosed as a child, and also Egyptian too. Also, being ‘so smart’ as a kid, ‘so obedient’, ‘quiet’ etc. as a child. But I was bullied too, I had two or three friends for my youngest years that I remember (I remember nothing from before age 8 aside from literally three memories), and what I can now put a name to, dangerously severe depression. I survived, which is really all that matters, but I only have vague memories of being a child and a teen.

Anyway, let’s ignore that tangent and get back on track with the labels. Sometimes-but-not-always white-passing. Having lived in the states and being able to experience the looks that some people give me, whether I’m white-passing or not depends entirely on the person who sees me. My name isn’t ‘obviously Arab’, so people kind of have to guess where I come from. I’ve been mistaken for white for sure, but I’ve also had an older black woman tell me “shalom” as she was getting off the bus “because of the nose” with a hand motion, thinking I was Jewish. Then there was the elderly white psychiatrist, lemme just set the stage.

I walk into an INTAKE with this elderly white psychiatrist, not even a session, this is purely an assessment part. He asks questions, gets my name, gets my original nationality, age, guesses correctly that I’m Muslim. He asks if I drink, I told him no, because I haven’t. His IMMEDIATE response: “Oh, that’s good, because if you did, they’d have to take you out back and shoot you in the back of the head.”

I got so scared, I forced myself to see him for three sessions because I had to make sure that he wouldn’t think the reason why I didn’t go to my first appointment was because of his racist ass. Then every time I went to that clinic, I was scared out of my mind that he’d accuse me of not seeing him because of that (my Philipino therapist, who I’d been seeing for weeks before that, was in that clinic so I couldn’t just up and leave, also she was really good and I needed that stability). You could also bet your ass I didn’t report it to management because, again, I was so scared I was gonna be shot by some white dude with a gun if any of that came to light. After that, the anxiety was too much for me to bear and I went to see another psychiatrist. This was in Maryland, 45 minutes away from DC, and since I don't know anything about gun laws in those states, I have no guess about what might happen.

I didn’t exactly hide the fact that I was Egyptian from the people I became friends with, but still, I feel like I should have assessed what to say first. The question always came up “where are you from” and I’d be forced to answer “Egypt” since any other answer is kind of dishonest.

There’s just a lot on my mind. What does it mean to be me? What does it mean to have all these different backgrounds? Who and what am I? Having lots of time on my hands because my depression has essentially made me bedridden does not help in the slightest because I have no way of finding out those answers. And being bedridden doesn’t mean ‘I have time to think’, because I’m too busy actually dealing with my depression (and, some days, surviving my depression) to be philosophical in any way, shape, or form.

This is kinda selfish of me to do, but I'm queueing this because I desperately want people to see this and just, help, in some way. I might even reblog it and schedule it at another time because holy cow I need some advice.

I've never met a black person in real life who has shared the same opinions as the people on here who are black, and I know that's less "black sjws don't go outside into the *real* world" and more a mix of "black people are a ridiculously diverse group of people and it's incredibly stupid and racist to expect all of them to all think the same way" and "I've never left the american midwest so my experiences are not universal and I only know maybe 0.01% of the people in the world at the absolute highest and all of them live in the same geographical area". but this has sparked a question I'm curious to know the answer to (and god knows I can't trust anything I find on google because the internet is hell when it comes to finding info on antiblack racism and such). exactly why is it bad for black people (who are okay with it) to let their white friends say the n word? why do so many black tumblr bloggers say that it's bad for all black people when they do that because it perpetuates and enforces the oppressive white supremacist power structure by allowing whites to use slurs that undermine black culture and reclamation if not every black person in the world is uncomfortable by white people saying it in a non-pejorative context? why is there a lot of hate for childish gambino and kevin hart because they've mentioned that the n word should be used by everyone so that it loses its power as a slur [well I mean they are rich and famous but as we all saw from lebron james, money and fame don't protect you from racism]? why is there a disconnect between the black people who say tiger woods, bill cosby, tyga, chris brown, oj simpson, and other similar celebrities have 'lost their black card' as I've seen it phrased, and the black people who say that the bad things they've [allegedly] done don't and shouldn't take away from their racial culture and heritage and denying it from them is racist [aside from factoring in misogynoir and, again, all of them being celebrities]? why do some black people encourage discourse like "white people shouldn't say 'my dude' because it's a watered down form of saying 'my n*gga'" and "ending posts with people's names is a black people only meme and whites need to stop because they're being racist" but others say that those are both bullshit? why do some black people make jokes about not having seen the breakfast club and stand by me and sixteen candles and the sandlot and napoleon dynamite and not liking rock music because they're black and those are "white people things", but some think that it's super racist to segregate pieces of media by color like that because plenty of white people watched barbershop and straight outta compton and friday and boondocks and listen to hip hop and are excited to see black panther, and plenty of black people enjoy the "white people things" I listed, and get angry when they see anybody do or say things suggesting that certain movies or whatever are excluded from certain races of people based solely on the fact that they're members of X race? why do some black people follow W.E.B. dubois' pan-african movement whereas other black people want to distinguish each african country from the other because each country has its own heritage and culture? why do some black people say africa doesn't need the world's pity help while others say africa is impoverished and colonialized and destroyed by western white christianity and has huge water shortages and malaria outbreaks and homophobia powerful enough that they still sentence gays to death and needs as much help as it can get? why do some black people express discomfort when other black people use the n word casually amongst themselves while others say it a hundred times a day or more? why do some black people actively enjoy being assholes to white people and whiteness in general [sort of like how I'm a dick to cishets, christians, and neurotypicals] while other black people say being an asshole to white people is just as bad because you're no better than them [which is of course bullshit but I'm not gonna tell a black person that they're wrong about a racial issue to their face because then I really am just a racist asshole, or at least I think I would be]? is the answer really as simple as "black people all just have different opinions from each other"? and if that's so, is there truly a 'correct' opinion for a white person to have that isn't "stay out of black people's business because it isn't your place"? because staying in my lane does a lot more good for me than trying to pry or butt in or engage in conversation about racial issues so I just wanna make sure that's the right call to make. but then again, silence is violence and I don't wanna turn a blind eye to the prejudice and oppression and bigotry our society is rooted in that fucks over and even kills black people every single day. basically I don't know what the fuck to do or how to act or what to say or how to feel without being a racist to some person or another, and I don't even know if me asking these questions is racist or not because I'm not sure if I should just *know* the answers by virtue of having common sense [which I mean I have autism so I can't do that but using that as an excuse for ignorance is probably also racist]. god, I'm still traumatized from all those hate anons I got a few months ago and I want so badly to be a good White Ally™ and not be a racist and make anybody uncomfortable but it seems like if I do or say one thing to appease one group of people it just pisses off another group of people, and I just wanna fucking know what the morally correct thing to do or say or be is. I mean I know it's definitely not being right-wing or conservative or republican because every single one of those people are stupid racist asshats, but knowing what not to do is very different from knowing what to do. so like, if anyone can help explain these things to me I would really appreciate it because I'm sick as fuck of these goddamn guilt spirals because of fear that someone will think I'm racist. which I mean, I know I will be regardless because it's how my dad tried to bring me up, and also because I heavily benefit from white privilege, but I wanna reduce my racism carbon footprint as much as physically possible. and if anyone is a dick to me about this, I'm just gonna fucking block you because I ain't got TIME for that shit.