#idk. im overthinking and its making me sad. just like the fact that i cant watch these shows when they air and ugh
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i really want kip to win the title if the chance for a title match happens but at the same time im not ready for the discredit, ridicule and mockery that will follow simply because now your international champion would be kip sabian
cant just fucking win with this one
#he would deserve it. wholeheartedly. but only like a fraction of people will agree#maybe thats why im so anxious about the potential of this. hmm#like i get it in the sense that following in ocs footsteps is a fucking task on its own. but people also simply just dont like kip#which baffles me but anyways#i mean. it would make me ridiculously happy. but i just dont know if i could deal with the aftermath#sigh. i mean does it matter. even if he would get that chance on saturday aint no way they will actually let him win#especially since oc already has a defense in revolution#and having a transitional champion in kip would do nobody any favors#idk. im overthinking and its making me sad. just like the fact that i cant watch these shows when they air and ugh#ughhhh#just give him his flowers what the fuck#wrestling musing
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Is this relationship\ situationship worth it?
Pile 1- pile 2- pile 3- pile 4- pile 5- pile 6
1. No. And you know why? Bc it seems like whatever this is it wont become better, i see no improvements at all and it genuinly makes me sad bc u seem like ur really trying and overthinking this, trying to not let go, trying to remain hopeful but deep down u know this wont ever bloom to its full potential. Honestly i see disappointment coming from this, it’s like ur gonna be asking urself all this waiting for what? And ur right. So let go or at least distance urself for now. But don’t get hopeless bc u have something better or it’s on the way, and they won’t disappoint u like this. So this one is not worth it but what’s to come is more than worth it.
2. I see two different people here, one is more than willing while the other seems to not even try. Now idk which one u r so ill tell u about both and u decide for urself: A) this person is such a giving person, so protective of the people they love( i see strong scorpio here) and willing to do whatever it takes. This is a person that will fight for who they love with whatever they can but also have their own boundaries too, like if u not giving the same way they’re not going to stay ( AND GOOD FOR THEM👏) while B) person is…. Um.. lazy and neglectful like someone u cannot depend on, definitely not to defend or fight for u. It’s like they dont see the worth in what’s around them. They’re ungrateful. So is it worth it? no, not at all. So should u leave? Well that depends on which person u r. So if ur person A definitely move from this pls, ur loyalty deserves to be reciprocated. But it definitely wont be easy for u to move on ( not surprising considering how loyal u r) but if ur B person then i guess dont leave, u know why? Bc u won’t find no one better but i cant guarantee they wont leave if u don’t change.
3. Fuck no. Absolutely no. Did u hear me???L? I said fucking no. Dude im actually pissed, why on earth are u even with this person????? Like u absolutely deserve better, WAYYY BETTER. This person is making u lose in life, so get out as soon as possible. This shit is not worth it at all. Im not even gonna tell u nothing more other than the fact this thing has no future. So love urself for once and leave.
4. Yes. Definitely. But u have to work for it like this is the type of thing that can become so beautiful and fruitful but it needs work like all things. So whatever ur problem is work it out bc in the end it will bloom into a beautiful relationship.
5. YES. Hell even more than yes. Honestly im so happy seeing this, i thought all the reading would be negative but this is absolutely gorgeous. Fight for it. So id actually like to give u some advice: even tho i see this as a beautiful mature ( or soon to be mature) relationship, try to be more giving like buy gifts for each other, talk more, share ur feelings more bc baby this thing u have going on is meant to be. The universe arranged this, so protect it with everything u have. Remember this reading, honestly save it up somewhere just so u can be reminded from time to time.
6. Wow okay this is very confusing. I see this as two situations, so maybe two very different groups of people chose this group. read both and decide which is meant for u.
So first group of people are the ones that i would give a small tiny yes, sorta bc this is not exactly the person that’s worth it but more like this person will lead u into something or someone that will be worth it.
While in this other group, i see two type of people( it can represent the people involved so once again u decide which is u 🤕) well number 1 is the hermit, this person rn is meant to be alone, they need to find themselves first then maybe yes this relationship will work, but as for now u have a journey ahead of u. And number 2 is the one that’s fighting for this relationship, i hate to say this but this is not worth it. So if u want to sure u can still try, but u wont get anything out of this. This is a waste of time.
#free tarot#pac reading#pick a card reading#pick a picture#pick a pile#tarot reading#free card reading#pick a card#tarotonline#tarot of the day#tarot advice
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Heyy i like your blog and you seem cool ^~^
I wanted to hear more about your ideas behind dating/sex. You say its disgusting to live in an over sexualized society etc which I agree with. Ive over sexualized myself as a child and into young adulthood and now im trying to stop it or slow it down at least, but I cant get over the fact that yes i would very much like to have a girlfriend and have sex with her. (Im female) I would like to hear more on what you think in regard to “i think it is disgusting to talk to someone with the intention of having sex with them”(i know its not your exact quote I just cant see it while sending this)
What would be the way that people find sexual partners in a non-hyper-sexualized society? Is there a way to do that in this society? Is there a way to naturally find a sexual partner?
Ive basically been just trying to ignore it all for about a year now. Ive sworn off men forever (im bi) and i dont find the idea of sex with a man appealing anymore due to stuff but idk I feel predatory anytime I try to think of a way to find a girlfriend. Dating apps seems skeezy. Hitting on any of my attractive already made friends feels skeezy. Going out into the world in an attempt to make friends with the real intention of finding a gf seems skeezy. Accepting that I will probably be sexless and gf-less for years if not forever if I do not attempt to find someone sounds sad but accepting that if I attempt to find a gf as quickly as possible then I will be looking for an idea and not enjoying a new friend makes me feel sick.
Idk. Its just something ive been thinking about lately and I do believe that it all comes back to society being so hypersexual.
hiya!!! thank you so much for the ask
that predatory feeling youre talking about i think is you overthinking it! many lesbians i know have that same feeling, and i think it comes from societal repression of same sex attracted women, we feel ashamed to make our attraction known
truly what im trying to convey is a disgust for people seeking others SOLELY to fuck, its not 'sinful' or anything, i just think personally its a shallow way of living
when it comes to meeting potential partners i truly feel like its better to go from friends to lovers so that true romance has a chance to grow
but truth be told, i dont think your hearts in the wrong place anonita, from what ive heard you seem genuine, and i really do wish you the best of luck
you deserve love, romance, sex, and to be adored by someone
sorry if my answer isnt all that cohesive, im a bit tired right now but i hope it helped out a bit! feel free to message me if you have anymore questions :)
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hi, i really need to vent rn and you are literally a safe space for anything eddie/joseph related and i just feel like i have to talk about it.
my heart is broken and ive cried my eyes out for a while now because joe wont be at the german comic con due to issues with his passport. ive spent so much money on tickets and the whole trip to see him. like, all i wanted was one of those hugs he gives everyone and i wrote him a letter and now its all for nothing.
i am so sad and frustrated now because i wont get my money back and i had to fight the entire week to get tickets for him. i almost got scammed two times and now this. no hug, no smile, no nothing :(
im still going and i at least got a ticket for grace, so as long as she wont cancel too, its at least something. but its still so disappointing and i feel so devastated. knowing that id meet him gave me so much motivation to do something and now its all gone again.
im still thinking if its a dck move to ask grace if she will take my letter and maybe gets it to joe somehow. the letter really means so much to me and idk if ill ever get the chance to give it to him now. but im scared that grace might think im only using her, if she even agrees. and if she did agree, maybe the letter would get lost somewhere and any chance of getting it to him is gone...
i really dont know what to do now and im trying to see the positive aspects but its so hard, considering everything i invested and all the hopes i had :(
sorry to dump this on you, i just needed to tell someone
same anon with the german comic con topic here... again
i just feel like my last whining session sounded like im mostly frustrated that i spent so much money. and while that is true, i spent it gladly to meet joseph. just wanted to clarify.
the money issue isnt my biggest problem, its just the only thing i can actually be mad about rn, bcs joe has a valid reason to cancel. even if the passport thing is not the whole truth and maybe he ditched because the london cc wasnt going too great (some ppl speculate that he didn't wanna do another comic con so soon after) its his right to do so and i cant be mad at him.
its just so disappointing because i wanted to talk to him and see him interact with fans and ask him stuff. and now the opportunity is gone and it was pure luck that i even had this one chance. its just... i miss him, without ever meeting him? does that make sense?
i feel like his presence must be so nice to be around and i was so ecstatic when i finally got the tickets. and now i think i ruined it for myself because every time i overthink something, i make up 567 scenarios in my head, what could happen, what i could say and so on... and whenever i do this, i jinx it. and the little ppl controling my life, reading my thoughts, built me a path i didnt calculate.
its the same thing that happened this time, its the same thing that happens all the time with whatever situation i am confronted with.
to end this second rant on a note that is actually related to you and not just a random anon escalating in your asks... i could really use some new eddie content right now and i am over the moon, that worlds apart chapter 7 will be out soon and i can drown myself in my sorrow and the new chap ):)
Hi sweetheart! First of all, no worries, my inbox is always open🖤
I'm very sorry this happened, and I totally understand the sadness and frustration about the situation, it's absolutely valid. There's sadly not much of a positive aspect to this except for the fact that they're already talking to Joe about coming to another Comic Con in Germany in October - maybe it's worth a shot to try and get tickets for this one?
As for the letter; it depends entirely on what feels safe/comfortable for you. If you plan to get tickets for the October Con, you could keep the letter to give it to him yourself, since it seems very personal? In the end, you're the only person who can make a decision about that; you could take the letter with you and decide while you're there?
I hope you'll feel better soon, and should you decide to try for tickets for October, my fingers are crossed! 🖤
(And I hope Worlds Apart can contribute a little to comfort you🖤)
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i like a girl lol
Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.
She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.
anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo
7/10/23 (1:51am)
(im gonna keep adding the rants)
and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol
i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see
7/10/23 (18:25)
Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes
11/10/23 (2:05am)
Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf
14/10/23 (01:48am)
Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.
14/10/23 (9:22 pm)
i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out
15/10/23 (10;02pm)
I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.
20/10/23 (01:13am)
Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this
21/10/23 (17:12)
(23/10/23) 1:40am
She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .
It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.
23/10/23 (19:12)
okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .
oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe
okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.
but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol
21:23 (30/10/23)
Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .
its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up
22:56(7/11/23)
lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?
05:36am (17/11/2023)
we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.
I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.
i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.
yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.
14:04 (21/11/23)
Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.
26/11/23 22:30
I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.
Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you
Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.
28/11/23 (23:43)
Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon
30/11/23 (00:19)
I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.
This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.
It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.
Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .
1/12/23 (00:05)
I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this
i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee
01/11/23 (20:16)
Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this
03:20 (18/11/23)
i love you
22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24
Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .
15/02/24 1:14pm
I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye
29/02/24(2:30am)
I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck
(12:06)
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vent (read if you want idrc but i need advice TOT)
all of my friends from my old school are moving on and making new friendgroups and i still wanna be their friends but i cant talk to them anymore bc i just dont have the time and the fact that theyre not my best friends anymore makes me wanna curl up in a ball and cry and idek if they even feel the same way or if im just the weird girl they used to be friends with and its so right where you left me bc i truly did stay there while everybody moved on and it all feels so icky bc it was a really long time coming i just never thought the day would come when i felt so dethatched and alienated from them??? i still love them all so fucking much and they really helped me get through alot and now it just feels like they dont care?? tbh i feel like they only kind of use me to have someone to talk about their interests and seeing them with their new friends on tiktok just makes me wanna cry my damn eyes out bc like that used to be me and you. like i could be overthinking or they could just hate me idk
and like the only people i thought id feel safe with kicked me out of their group bc of some shit at camp (tell me if you want a story time lmao (it was kinda my fault as well ngl)) and when one of those peoples friends and i got closeish she asked what happened so ofc i told her and now i think she hates me and i dont fucking want her to hate me bc i think shes really cool and shes the only one ive got that much with in common and im so scared i fucked what couldve been a really good friendship just bc i made the idiotic decision to tell her about it and im too scared to talk to her about it bc it comes off as desperate and shes like really close to one of the girls who kicked me out (her sisters bsf) and like i dont want her to think im a backstabbing bitch just bc i made one rash decision and bc i couldnt see what i was doing wrong in previous years
and ive got a "best friend" and she really is one of the best people i know and she also has autism and adhd so she really gets what i go through and shes all around really cool and we like hang out everyday but shes also kinda in another friendgroup that im like kinda friends with but not really in and it makes me feel a bit disincluded bc theyre all in clubs that im not and i always feel like theyre shit talking me even though i know they arent and its all just so dhwfoahda
and there's like one other girl who i met through my sister (shes 4 years older then me but genuinely one of the nicest people ever in the world ever) and shes in a group w some other kids but at production she hangs w my sis and their friend but they kinda ignore her and i feel really bad bc i wanna be her friend so bad and theyre ignoring her and she always looks a bit sad and like she doesnt have anyone to talk to (or it could be my autistic ass misreading the situation) and like i wanna be closer to her but im too scared to approach and my friendship life is really shit right now and tbh i feel like its all bc of social anxiety if anyone reads this please give me advice bc i dont fucking know what to do
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I’m just so Depressed today ugh
#literally nothing is bringing me happiness lol#i cant summon like any motivation to. do art! or anything!!#it all just seems boring#and i feel so guilty abt it#also the guy i got in the car accident with didnt call me today rhe suspense is killing me#and im stressing#im worries that at the mcr concert ill feel nothing idk#its my biggest fear#only pple with bpd can usually understand this feeling lmao#like if im in a Mood that im in today#will i even feel anything??#its so fucking frustrating#its like i feel things too intensely and then it suddenly all shuts down#and i jist feel NOTHING#except for frustration and sadness over the fact that nothing is making me happy#and im overthinking everything and just stressing and all existentially depressed#that nothing matters ufh
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ight im gonna go off about the gender crisis again, because its my blog and vent space and i'll do what i want ;)
would i be allowed to label myself as agender, even though i dont experience any gender discomfort? Like, when someone calls me a girl, or says im a sister, daughter, ect, i dont feel uncomfortable. I just feel....indifferent. It doesn't necessarily feel right, but if it felt wrong surely id be feeling more than just mild confusion. agender usually means "genderless", but could it also mean gender...indifferent? Gender...apathetic?
If i were to try and make a comparison so i can better comprehend my thoughts, itd be this. If i were unconscious due to, idk, anaesthesia or something, and then had a surgery performed, id feel nothing. Id feel no pain, no tickling. If when i was still asleep after my mum caressed my face i wouldnt feel comfort. I wouldnt feel anything. Good, bad or neutral. All i would feel would be the dreamscape that the medically induced deep sleep placed me in: abstract. Non definable. One minute in that dream i could be strolling through an enchanted forest, the next I could be falling endlessly. But no matter what happened in those dreams, my physical body would be too out of it to react. Its like my gender identity is in a very deep sleep, feeling nothing objectively but everything abstractly, all at once.
Now lets say those "abstract dreams" in the metaphor was presentation. Most of the time i present very feminine, traditionally. My style is vintage/historical, lots of long skirts and frilly blouses and braided hair. Dressing like that makes me confident, comfortable. But I also really enjoy dressing more masculine. Of course, with super long hair ill always appear somewhat feminine, but wearing waistcoats and vintage trousers and shirts makes me feel confident too. I once said to my nana when i wore a particularly masculine outfit "some days i want to be elizabeth bennet, but somedays i want to be mr darcy". But no matter how feminine or masculine i feel, i dont know how to interpret that as gender. I feel like a girl, if "feeling like a girl" could be defined as "feeling like a vague blur of nothingness". Or am i just equating femininity with girliness. Do i actually just feel feminine, but not "girly".
sjdhskdjdjjddjdjfh why is this so confusing? I genuinely think either agender or genderqueer are labels to consider, even if no label feels better. With the way my brain works, i still need some form of label. but how do i know im not just overthinking things? If i am just, in fact, a cis girl who doesnt understand what that really means?
Surely its not that uncommon an experience? To not be able to recognise what gender feels like. I dont even know what its *meant* to feel like, unlike when i was questioning my sexuality and knew exactly what liking men was meant to feel like bc of my straight friends. Can i call myself a girl for simplicity's sake? It doesnt make me sad or uncomfy, if im being honest it doesnt feel like anything. Could i say im a genderqueer girl? As in, "i'll say im a girl if asked only because the real answer is so fucking complicated and undefined that even I dont know how to word it". As in "i might say im a girl but really my relationship to gender and womanhood is so much more than that. my gender is paradoxial. I both feel and dont feel like something, but i dont even know how to describe that small "something"."
Or would i say im a genderqueer femme? I dont mind being equated with feminitity, but underneath that feminine surface everything is so jumbled and hard to decipher that its easier to just act like a girl and not think about it.
but now ive opened the can of worms. i kinda have to think about it now.
or would i just say, "hey, im (name), my pronouns are she/her but idc if you use anything else, and im......i exist." Because at the end of the day, does it matter that i cant put how i feel into words that feel adequate? Surely just existing, acknowledging that *something* is going on beneath the surface but knowing it doesnt affect me enough to seek out a label, is fine too, right?
god why is this so fucking hard
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toffee!
ah yeah, i think quarentine has given people some opportunity to actually just sit with the person they are, rather than be rushing around for the person they want to become. its good you got smth good out of isolation! ah thats great! hope you had fun and ur partner in crime speeds back home so you can get out more hehe.
ah yeah ty, good suggestions.
hmm good point, i was sort of putting it separate to the whole not-sexualising thing, but yeah. mmm yeah i totally agree, some of the enhypen fics/imagines *shudder* and even reading innie stuff is just a bit *icky* cos everyone still thinks of him as our agi ppang. yeah def would be good but sadly this just seems to be the world we live in. :(
ah yes the holy masterlist (not sarc) i have actually read in the rain and gladius maximus before, but ill go look for in class! oooh thats good! character development lol. hmmmm yes champagne problems was the angst to end all angst, that shit hurt. it was actually one of the first of your fics i read and i recall almost crying over the whole thing, it was so heartbreaking, i can see how it almost made you want to drop angst. good that youve allowed yourself some lee-way tho :)
hehe thats so cool. okay here we go, ill try not to be mortally offended (/hj)
cheese - yes same, i liked it but that was all there was, it wasnt a super standout track. it was rlly underwhelming for me but some of the hook is super catchy so there is Redemption (tm) in store for cheese maybe
thunderous - mmm, yeah at first i totally agreed, i think they suffer from too much good music syndrome, that all their other tracks are such fucking bops its hard to stay at that level of perfection. the choreo was beautiful tho and tbh, the track has grown on me since ive been watching all the vids abt it. its my brothers favourite track
domino - YES GODAMMIT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE TITLE TRACK. the raps, the vocals, the vibes, the fucking domino sound in the back? i would have streamed that shit on repeat. but tbh, as good as it is, it doesnt have that sort of grandness/oomph that skz seems to like in their title tracks so i can see why they chose thunderous (tho domino would have been so good) *sigh*
ssick - yeah same, not my fave track by a long mile, the crowd cheering was a ?strange? choice and the chorus was a bit bare/empty, plus like i mentioned earlier, it was kinda funny to me for some reason but ill still play it if im playing thru the whole album
the view - ahh one of those not like other girls (/j) i honestly think its just a good party song, just a bop to play in the background when nobodys rlly paying much attention. its pretty generic pop music but catchy
sorry, i love you - hehe yeah i thought it was going to be sadder as well, but i rlly loved the fact that they all just got to sing, which almost never happens, i dont think ive heard felix sing for a long time, so i enjoyed it. wasnt rlly a standout track but i just casually like it. looking forward to the fic haha
silent cry - this song i swear, some bits are rlly good and then others are just? why?? it does sound like a dance song tho idk. definitely not one of my faves either
secret secret - YES its so good! its such a chill song and i love their vocals in it. the combination of lo-fi/fake strings backup stuff and their heavenly vocals just makes it *chefs kiss* im listening to it rn and just... its so beautiful. it gives me pumped up another day vibes ya know? like my pace is edgy get cool, this one is energetic another day i feel like. overall i love it
STAR LOST - ah thats so cool! i didnt know that! on first listen this song had a similar vibe to secret secret but then the beat came in and ahh its such a good song. i can totally imagine them putting this song to a concert footage vid, this song is so sweet.
red lights - LMAO YES ITS SO AWKWARD WHY DOES IT GO ON FOR SO LONG ah thats good! yeah good point, its quite intense hehe. but that is my fave trope and this is lowkey my favourite track on the album so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just the combination of hyunjins and chans voices, the backing music, the lyrics ahh red lights my beloved
surfin’ - yes lmao its always a shock, i feel like they should have put gone away in between them, but its such a fun cute song, i cant get rlly mad. yeah, as an aussie i think im contractually obligated to like beaches lol. sand im not such a fan of, but my familys rlly into fishing and my brother loves bodyboarding so we stay at a beach house at least twice a year and we live like 5 mins from 3 different beaches (hehe all aussie cities are on the coast lol) so thats cool. do you like beaches?
gone away - ah gone away my beloved, i love this song sm, its just so pure and showcases their vocals and lyrics so well. yes the pitch change is very out of the blue, i feel liek they went directly from seungmins soft vocals to hans powerful ones which was an interesting choice, but hey, im not complaining
wolfgang - YES IKR ah im so happy he got to be included in that era and song. yeah its such a full on song i cant rlly listen to it if im in a quiet mood but its very motivating :)
hehe mood, i hope they do! ahhh no rest, but at least you wont have to pull a blink and wait a year for any word from the group lol. im not rlly into nct but im excited for them! ah hopefully youll be able to sneak some rest into that chaotic schedule, with enhypen (idk if u stan but yeah) squeezed into it haha
<3 w.a. 🐺
i wheezed at partner in crime, it reminded me of smth. i have a lee know fic in the drafts that i wrote 'in honor' of him (and his departure-ish). i'll tag you when i finish it, if you want. it's a rather hilarious one.
oh my god. based on my experience on the collabs i've joined before, writing explicit shit for '01 & '02 is not accepted (nct's maknaes) but with enha's hyung line '01 & '02 somehow it's okay? i do a double take every time i see fics like those i mean, technically, it's legal but still what the fuck. maybe it's just not for me at the moment. not at us venting our frustration about this. it's just something that's so accepted here that i am (in all honesty) slightly uncomfortable about. but oh well. that's kpop writerblr for you.
man i could've linked all the fics in the ask instead so you wouldn't have to go looking for them! i think i saw you like in class the other day (the fic i renamed into sharp-tongued, god it took me a while to remember the new title). describing champagne problems as an angst to end all angst is one way to put what i was feeling back in december. it just hurt to write and admit?? if that ever happened to me i would prolly cry :d
okay back to the album talk! i love how you answered with more thoughts. i love exchanges like these! i am a victim of the cheese hook and it's now one of my favorite tracks in the album. PLS, TOO MUCH GOOD MUSIC SYNDROME. that's on our self-producing kings 😌💅 also, your brother has taste! as i am typing this, domino's currently playing in my head and i realized that too, that it doesn't have that 'vibe' of a skz title track. honestly, this could be a title track of another group. ssick is starting to grown on me because i found the beats cool kdjsk not the not like other girls 😭 the view is the generic pop that i don't like but i get why a lot of people enjoy it. sorry i love you scratches a certain itch that i find myself singing the first few lines every time i remember it. i too would want to hear felix sing more!
> a mini junction on the album talk bc i got side tracked. on that topic, i want skz to switch positions at some point like i know those allrounders are capable of doing so. specifically, i want to hear seungmin rap!!!! (yk in the recent weekly idol he talked faster than changbin in a challenge and changbin is like the fastest rapper in kpop that's active atm if im not mistaken. my dandy boy has some potential and i want it UNLEASHED.)
back to album talk. silent cry is basically sad music to twerk to. secret secret is definitely one of my favorite tracks :( i loved how you compared the tracks HAJSAH i burst out laughing bc yk what, you're right! i want to make a star lost edit of skz but i simply do not have the time i want to cry. i love the song so much. ok, my dreaded track, red lights. idt i have played the track since we last talked. my friend sent me the lyrics tho and i'm itching to write a twisted au out of it. idk if you're comfortable with yandere but somewhere along those themes. the obsessive type of love that's sweet at first but turns rotten. IMAGINE IF THEY PUT GONE AWAY BETWEEN ASHJA it's like going from 50 shades to the notebook.
i was about to ask if you lived near the coast and you literally mentions it here god im so stupid. yes i LOOOOOOOOOVE beaches so much. living in an archipelago is fun :( i live in a part of the country that's more island than city so every time i want some vitamin sea it's accessible. i heard the waves in australia are great :( anYWHOOO gone away :(( every time it plays im compelled to skip it because it makes me sAD AND NOWADAYS I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO BE SAD. contrary to you, i dislike my quiet moods because i tend to overthink a lot.
i have this little analogy about how there are stays that enjoy songs the generic pop + mellow songs and then there are other stays that enjoy the noisy tracks. in my mind, it's like a perfect balance that makes me feel like all the tracks are loved in the end. just by different people.
PULL A BLINK. bro i fucking hate yg entertainment. they have the biggest kpop girl group LOCKED in their basement when they could be (and i mean this in the most business-like way not morally) milking money of the quad. they're yg's biggest hope at not being bankrupt atm so it's a damn fucking mystery to me as to how they aren't doing anything. (jk i just realized lisa solo album soon, but i still need a ot4 cb hELLO)
i stopped looking forward to the teasers. rest > kpop boys. i don't want to sound like a cult member but have you tried checking out nct? are they just not your thing? (i get it tho, that's one hard group to get into). and yes i do stan enhypen!
wow i love how long these asks are! they're like online penpals. but i also want to ask about you! how have you been lately? are you feeling okay both mentally and physically? how's the weather there? do you have anything that you want to talk about? maybe an interesting book you read? feel free to bring up anything you want to share! i'm getting conscious about talking about myself HAJHSJ
and yet another long answer B) i am sooo sorry T___T should these ask exchanges feel draining to you, feel free to stop sending them in AAAA
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it’ll be be my birthday this friday. i feel like shit. i hate everyone but mostly myself. i don’t know why, everything was fine but suddenly i just fucking fell, and i keep falling, and hitting my head on the way down. my stomach hurts. i dont want scars, so i try not to do anything, but my brain pushes me and pushes me and pushes me and i need to do something. i hit myself, but no bruises show. im tired of being alone with this. and i hate the fact that i dont feel comfortable with my own body, i should be happy with what i have, but i hate so many things. i hate my skin, i tried to make it mine with this tattoo that i fucking wanted, but my stupid fucking brain makes me overthink, makes me hate it, and i cant look at it, what the fuck. its not a way to live my life. always overthinking, always sad, always second-guessing and waiting for someone elses approval that rarely comes unprompted. fucking hell. i wanna be drunk, asleep, idk anything to make this fucking shit stop!! every day i feel like everyones looking at me. i feel fucking terrible. i want to be somewhere else. i want to be alone.
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Black Friday Reaction
Okay so I’ll be live tweeting Black Friday but none of it will have any sense to it but it’ll just be my reactions
1. The Paul thing is really bothering me
2. I really love the mention of the other characters
3. If Jane is mention is the story about the mom mentioned some more
4. Is the delivery man ted (cause he’s also a sleazeball
5. It’s weird seeing Cory not play a pure bean
6. I love California MIA
7. The little sister (Im sorry I’m bad at names) I self project as autistic and she something else idk
8. Did anyone else noticed Robert’s Australian accent come out?
9. Like I said this is out of order so yeah but I personally think the second song in the show was very shocking as I’m not used to very serious starkid songs
10. When Robert gestures smoking i think its lowkey a refrence to the smoke club
11. I have a crush on lex
12. I love Lauren’s charecter so much
13. I love the name linda becuase it could be like a karen without using that name
14. Not to get poltical but i choose to belive they made an antivax joke
15. Also the marvel nerd in me loves the name becky barnes
16. I know its probaly not on purpose but joeys charecters costume in line looks like the homeless guy’s one
17. Jaimey is great as always
18. The conversation is so cringe i love it
19. I kinda hope torture porn is a fanfic refrence (i know most people would want me to say spies are forever but nope)
20. I love Lauren but shouldnt her accent be included when she sings
21. I love Jeff’s reaction
22. I may get some hate for this but what was bothering me in tgwdlm and i notice in starkid is lack of fan comments in the captions
23. As a theatre fan i love the toy zone song (i am not sure if thats the right name) espcially the do wop becuase it reminds me of older musicals
24. Also since i watched tgwdlm and black friday a day apart its weird to come from songs happening because they are infected to songs happening cause its a musical
25. i love the love the line we are not relaibly to anyone who dies becuase they clearly show in the trailer that someone will die (this is not a spoiler if you watch the trailer for Black Friday)
26. I love Corey but when he dances i notice a bulge (i am not a perv he makes it very obvious)
27. So i rewinded it to make sure i wanst going crazy and realized something as lex says the pepper spray line. She would be good as janis ian
28. I love the touch money part its so cute even if its not supposed to be
29. Jaime plays a perv really well
30. I love Jon’s charecter its hilarious
31. Also i love jon and lauren interactions so it was cool seeing them together not as paul and emma
32. I love seeing more of Jon because although hes reaally good at playing paul paul doesnt have any flavor and its cool seeing jon do something diffrent
33. Jeff’s fuck you
34. Okay I was right it was the homeless guy and i bet the money is paul’s money
35. And this is not a sterotpye as i am jewish myself but i bet Laurens charecter is jewish
36. Its sad that the price thing is true
37. So i am a theatre fan and do not watch got but that music kinda reminds me of got
38. Cant tell if jeff’s charecter is gay and a perv or just a perv (i realzie this could be mmisinterpreted as homophobic i just mean to say that jamie’s charecter just seems like a full out perv where as i cant tell with jeff’s)
39. Obviously you shouldnt be that insane but i do like the lines about how you are in charge of life and dont care about what others think. its goood life advice
39. Looks like Paul’s boss got his wish
40. They are all idiots for holding up the doll when everyone wants to get it
41. Corey’s charecter is like shit, money isnt that imporant
42. Becky why are you a part of this you have moral high ground (yes i am ignorning the fact that cast usually join in dance numbers even if their charecter isnt a part of it)
43. Shouldnt tom get ptsd (see above)
44. Lex you already have one (see above)
45. So i may be overthinking things but how curt says never should settle is in the tune of spies are forever
46. Is it just me or did anyone else notice when the security guard comes in the tune of show me your hands comes in
47. I dont know why but i do love soft bullies because hes like hey im punching you but only for the kid
48. Some may say its schizo or something hannah has but its anxiery or something from how shes expressing it
49. I feel like hannah has a superpower and can tell whats happening
50. Maybe webby is actually wiggly
51. Baby (both hannah and robert)
52. Please tell me my babies not dead
53. Jon’s eee is adorable and silly
54. Wait hes alive
55. Wait no hes dead, im sad liek starkid is supposed to be fun and happy this is the darkest star kid yet. Even oregon deaths were silly
56. I love starkid but this is making me anxious i cant tell if its good anxious or bad anxious
57. Also i relate to the black and white thing not fully but liek whenever i dont feel well sometimes my brain is overstimulating but only in my head its very hard to explain
58. Also i think sometimes kids on the spectrum and im not an expert but i do have it kind of make a friend in their head and i do that too sometimes just to give me advice
59. Also i hope they dont get rid of the black and white as sometimes people go more crazy without the figurative voice in their head
60. Like i said this is going to be random order so i like that emma adopted paul;s Okay and no im not making a tfios refrence
61. Poor Tim
62. Poor becky but even less
63. i thought they were supposed to be mad at g-d but in this and tgwdlm they like g-d
64. I cant tell the other pins on joey’s jacket but the first two i notice are mr wiggly and paul
65. I love Lauren’s acting you can see the very sublte sadness in her
66. Lauren and Joey together ahhhh
67. I know its probaly not a big deal but they should give a seziure warning before the tv scene
68. Did they reuse curts spies are forever outfit
69. Really starkid the obama refrence seriously, i cant tell if im mad or laughing
70. How did Bob get one
71. I do realize they are talking irl but i cant help but wonder if the nazis were a spies are forever refrence
72. Does wiggly have a special power or something
73. I think its similar to the metero the closer you are the more power it has over you
74. The starkid special effects we all know and love
75. Also is that mcnamara
76. Also maybe shooting it (the doll) does the same thing that shooting the affceted does. Give them no power
77. I cant tell what the music reminds me of exactly but the tune does kinda refrence a diffrent star kid song
78. Jeff looks so proud of himself for the peeps line
79. I love the purposeful i presume reuse of lines
80. Is peip like men in black
81. Also hatchetfield kind of reminds me of night vale
82. Is the black and white like the upside down?
83. I wonder if the point was purposeful since someone was filming or just choreographed
84. Yes Jon Singing!!!!!
85. I love the act two opener
86. Did his parents really name him christmas?!?
87. Oh hes literally related to santa
88. I love lauren and joey as eleves
89. Noel another christmas name
90. Isnt the little dance move like a genie move or something
91. Its so cute that she insitincitvely went to their seats
92. Also carving is goals
93. Even though its a penis its still goals
94. I know what you are, say it, santa clause
95. Tom dont yell at your girl
96. Poor Tom
97. But also dont make this about you
98. They probaly werent the head of the school since they were nice, i am sorry but thats true
99. Yass girl fight his ass
100. Also the theatre kid in me is picturing all that jazz
101. he ran into my knife he ran into my knife ten times
102. Yes Becky’s husband (i forget the name sue me) is bad but i feel like becky is more sinister then we realize
103. Becky’s line even if it isnt meant to be is so funny
104. The girl who plays Becky could play Barbara
105. I love how Joey and Lauren look into the camera
106. Jamie saying santa awww such a pure bean
107. The person in the wiggly onsie is goals
108. Matrix glasses for the win
109. Is wilbur a refrence to Charelots Web?
110. Its a cult a cult of wiggly
111. I feel like Sherman young is around 30-40
112. I love how its mommy to sound less pervy
113. Oh wait never mind Linda is mom
114. Shit thats fucked up they killed him
115. I am right a jew no non jew says mensch
116. To quote jared klienman kinky (shoe kiss scene)
117. Also i love this song the adore song
118. Why does them picking up Lauren give me Draco vibes
119. Wait he isnt dead?? im so confused
120. Wait he is dead???
121. Also ethan is creepy now
122. But Roberts expressions are goals
123. Robert your proffesor hidgens is showing
124. What the how does he know her name
125. Savage Wiggly
126. Wiggly is more funny than scary
127. But my poor baby dont be scared
128. What the fuck tom
129. Also poor baby number two
130. At first you think becky is made about him hurting a child but no its about the doll
131. What the fuck Becky
132. Also I wonder if thats the same serum that Hidgens used
133. Tom yelling at the audince is hilarious
134. Also Becky singing is giving me little shop vibes
135. Becky are you drunk or something you so stupid
136. But yayy my baby doesnt get hurt
137. More starkid special effects
138. Also the lighting nod to tgwdlm
139. Also why did they take my baby (see i told you random)
140. So the perv is wiggly
141. Also if he can appear in regular formation on earth why does he need to be the doll
142. Oh wait never mind he explains it
143. Joey talking to the audience and making them hold the apple is goals
144. I love Joey’s song
145. MIA = Missing in Action = Made in America
146. Wait im wrong Joey cant be Wiggly unless he has super powers he cant be in two places at once
147. I know they dont mean sex but still wtf
148. Lauren looks so done i cant
149. Seziure warning after mr presidnet leaves the black and white
150. Unless it was purposeful they should have hidden the dolls better backstage
151. Wait didnt hannah say something about two doors earlier?
152. Seriously Sherman ponies
153. I love the going back line
154. My poor baby lex
155. No Lex dont die not you too
156. Haha throwback to tgwdlm
157. Yes baby you got the gun
158. Also die perv die
159. Eagle screeching is goals
160. Yes lex use that logic
161. Also it makes sense only the adults can be brainwashed
162. There were only adults no children, scary (not sarcastic i promise)
163. Seriously starkid Fortnight
164. Thats why you should never fully grow up
165. Woah what Lex says is deep
166. Yessss Tom
167. Wait Tom dont hold the gun
168. Wait is Charolette alive or just a reuse of costume, if so why would they have jaimie wear it
169. No dont take her magic hat
170. Haha stupid hats cant be magic only dolls obviously
171. Does lauren say something like fucking knife in another show too?
172. Lauren screaming gives me my father will hear about this vibes
173. Also give my baby her hat back
174. Yass Lauren get it girl (i do realize shes playing the villian but still)
175. Yass Robert get it
176. Even though shes a viilain i dont like seeing Lauren get killed
177. But also how did they get the bullet wound on her so quick im impressed
178. Haha the way Gary stops everything to talk to gerald is goals
179. Like hes like oh shit money
180. And then hes like oh wait i have to pretend to care
181. I love how exagerated their dying is
182. Thats an impressive quick change
183. Yess Emma Hidgens
184. But also no hell fuck up again
185. Also Paul interupting is goals
186. Haha hannah you go girl
187. First off I love the song
188. Song off Hannah’s voice
189. Is paul scared normal or because of the hive
190. Wait all the tgwdlm charecters are back like nothing happened im confused
191. Haha the Hatchfield band is back
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@carelessslither tagged me in this so im gonna do it. cool? cool.
Do you make your bed? not unless im having people over. someone told me once that making your bed made a comfier enviorment for bacteria and i hate the way those fuckers look under a microscrop so i tell myself im not making my bed so less microorganisms leave me alone. but really? i dont give a shit. fuck water bears (not actually i mean like those whores w the flagellum n ameobas fucking cucks)
What’s your favourite number? i have 4, making me pick between them is impossible. 27 29 36 41. first 2 are dates- ill let you figure out the other two.
What is your job? ive been a cashier at target for a year come say hi ill let u steal a pack of gum im real good friends w our security guard
If you could go back to school, would you? oh i would in a heartbeat. i cant go to school rn and it hurts knowing that my life cant exactly go where id like it to.
Can you parallel park? idk what paralellel means
A job you had that would surprise people? i got paid once to imput data for a shopping cart on a website. also not really a job but i volunteered at a bunny rescue and helped them clean over 40 cages every saturday morning.
Do you think aliens are real? of course, and anybody who doesnt is pretty self centered to think were the only planet out here that sustains life
Can you drive a manual car? whats a car
What’s your guilty pleasure? sims 4 lets plays on youtube- usually by james turner (ive seen his entire super sim challenge LP, binge watched it across a real bad mental health week). also i think i can add playing minecraft (w my partner but thats nowhere near the guilty part) onto this list now
Favourite colour? yellow
Favourite type of music? the type that makes you grit your teeth and raise an eyebrow at. questionable talent from the lead singer and dingy guitar. the lyrcis are about smoking cigarettes again and being real fuckin sad. (brian sella if u read this im sorry)
Things that people do that drive you crazy? recently its been people who respond to my “how are you?” at work with “i need bags”. but in general its being talked over. and the fact i cant stop fucking apologising for everything. im annoying lol
Do you like doing puzzles? doing jigsaws actually makes me feel so fucking insecure bc they take me forever. i dont have the brain (or eyes? i suppose) for it. one of those things i try to avoid so i dont hate myself, stupid as it sounds. like damn vin its just a puzzle. (but i do like a good challenge- like solving shit is fun n rewarding but im such an overthinker and over-connect-the-dot-er that it never goes well) can you tell i didnt know if they meant puzzles as in riddles or puzzles as in jigsaws? askdjf
Any phobias? i have aquaphobia, which has been pretty managable up until lately. i also still get a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever i see a large fish in person (i used to have gnarly icythophobia but thats just from child me and a bad supermarket). and fuck isopo.ds i hate them i hope they all perish
Favourite childhood sport? probably baseball? horse riding wasnt rly my thing n football got boring bc i was goalie n i wasnt allowed to sit down n make daisy chains. also i loved eating sunflower seeds.
Do you talk to yourself? too much honestly. either to get out of a meltdown or im triggering one
What movie do you adore? the labyrinth. i can watch it over and over and over.
Coffee or tea? i love a good cuppa but im gonna have to say coffee bc i drink it way more often
First thing you wanted to be growing up? i vividly remember this bc we had a board in my year 3 class where we wrote what we wanted to say- i wanted to be an author. i only remember this bc my classmate named jeremy said he wanted to own a golf course but i read it wrong n thought he wanted to be a golf course. a comment ab my inadibilty to read and ironic desire to be an author was promptly pointed out
i tag: nobody its 2.30 in the morning and ive been rambling ab myself for 20 minutes. nobodys gna actually read this and i litchrally am so braindead rn idk who any of u ppl are or what my name is i just wanted to chat
#ask game#kinda#im tagging tag posts w that now#rants#sorry if this appears in anybodys tags when u search shit up i hate when that happens#also i think i have a fear of falling#idk why i just had a vivid memory of the thought of doing the highjump for school giving me a panic attack#like i remember my entire class cheering me on and i broke down sobbing bc i was too afraid to fall back#i knew it wouldnt hurt#everybody was doing it. but i would stop moving and i remember one time i fell onto the gym floor#wow this brought up some weird fucking niche memory of middleschool i did Not expect to experience on a friday night#this is a lot of text im working off a latenight energy drink and fighting any urge to sleep#long post
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3am [deleted] || closed
The impact of Appa’s depression starts to take its toll.
tw: anxiety, depression
TAE-YAH
Nemo [deleted]: tae-yah? Are you awake?
Nemo [deleted]: i really shouldn’t be texting you so late and esp about this because of everything with you, but i cant sleep. Im really worried about my appa. Like, scared-worried. i
ROBBIE:
Nemo [deleted]: remember how you said i could talk to you about anything? Does that mean my appa too? And not like, complaining about him and its okay because i know he’s horrible to you so maybe i shouldn’t be
SINDRI:
Nemo [deleted]: sindri, things are getting bad with appa again. Maybe we should talk to Queen Clarion. Ugh but the trial stuff he would hate that and what if it just makes it way wors
Nemo [deleted]: do you think olaf might be able to help my appa? He’s not eating
FINN:
Nemo [deleted]: finn, do you mind if i talk to you about something with my appa? It’s kind of complicated and big and you cant tell anyone because he probably would hate that. I shouldnt even tell you. Im probably should worried over nothing agh
LOUIE:
Nemo [deleted]: louie, you know how dewey gets kind of… ughdlf
ROO:
Nemo [deleted]: Do you think your mum might be able to talk to my appa about like, taking care of himself…? Im not that worried or anything! Its just he’s working too hard i think and he’s acting kind of…
ROBBIE
Nemo [deleted]: lol its 3 in the morning and everyone is asleep but you. But i cant talk to you about this can i? Lol. and appa would hate it, wouldn’t he?
SINDRI:
Nemo [deleted]: all i ever do is complain to you
FINN:
Nemo [deleted]: i dont know what to do finny
ROBBIE:
Nemo [deleted]
: if i text you this late you’ll know something is wrong and i wont be able to tell you. I wish i could. I wish we could…i wish things were different and appa didnt hate you and you didn’t hate him. you probably understand better than anyone i know, too, is the thing. i mean like the way he feels. You’ve lost people. you get really sad too. you would know what to tell me and how i could help my appa or you would tell me that its going to be okay and im just overreacting. ok you wouldnt say that you’d say something better…something very you :/ robbie i… i cant send this.
TAE-YAH:
3:07 am
Neems: hi
Neems: sorry i know you’re sleeping i dont expect you to answer these haha i just
Neems: you know sometimes where you just want to pretend that someone’s there? I think thats why im texting you. Im just being very me and overthinking a lot of things and idk making a big deal out of nothing
3:22 am
Neems: im probably just lonely which is stupid. I mean being lonely isnt stupid but the fact it messes me up this much is.
Neems: blah and now my phone is gonna die probably i only have 14% left :( and i wont even be able to listen to music or watch youtube ugh
Neems: wish you were awake
3:39 am
Neems: wooow i just realized how this probably looks lolol
Neems: sorry for texting you these plz dont worry about me in the morning haha seriously im just like, stressed about exams and my showcase will be soon, it’s just stuff like that! but i really am ok!
Neems: srsly super sorry ok haha last text i promise! Good night!
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Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance? i'm terribly aware of it, sometimes that can make it difficult to find the point in staying alive. i can hardly imagine anyone who's not bothered by this tbh, doesn't it make everything we do sort of pointless?
Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known? i definitely do. i long for something more.
Do you really think there is somebody for everybody? honestly, i don't know. i certainly dont think there is one specific person for everyone but i guess it only makes sense that everybody's got several peopple they feel comfortable with and are a perfect fit. the question is, will they ever meet one of them?
Do you place any value in gender roles? no
Do you have to be related to be family? no, family is so much more than that.
Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones? definitely. some even more so.
Are you in love? Do you want to be? i am. i'm not sure if i want to be.
Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation? i find it difficult to see differences between platonic and romantic love, especially when a romantic relationship went on for a while. ig the feelings are mostly the same, you just choose to express them in different ways.
Would you be happy with a life without romance? idk i guess i'd start longing for it eventually.
Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody? yea
Would you change your appearance if you could? hell yes
Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.? i have never thought of it that way but it makes total sense to me
Do you think you’re special, or just another person amongst billions? Can you be both? just another person
Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them? i dont think i ever had any
Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’? no
If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why? i sometimes do. i imagine its quite reassuring to believe in some greater power and it might make life seem more meaningful
Do you want a grand adventure? yes please but also i'm scared to leave the house
Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different? yes
Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both? I DONT KNOW why would u ask that. ig it is mainly about convenience in the end
Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality? nah. does anyone ever really understand?
What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far? idk
Are you afraid of growing old? yea. i don't wanna do that, man
Would you want to live forever? How about for a billion years, a million, a millennium, a century? NO
Do you believe in some form of god/s? no
Are your choices fated or of your own free will? free will. however, i really cant shake the feeling that there is some greater scheme behind all of it
Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die? oh yes
Do you believe in star signs? nah
How old do you have to be to be considered an adult? id sure like to know
Was your childhood happy? i wouldn't say i was a happy child. too much trauma to deal with.
What are you missing from your life? happiness, purpose.
Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along? yes. we did get along until she stopped talking to me for no apparent reason.
Do opposites attract? thats a tough one.
Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago? dude i never planned this far ahead
Do you know what you want out of life? no. to be happy, i suppose
What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’? caring for others, having their best interest in mind, being honest
What fundamentally matters do you? honesty, trust, friendship, family, relationships
Is freewill an illusion? dude idk
Do you create art? How do you define art? art is anything you want it to be. i used to create art but i don't anymore
How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful? id say im generally truthful as i consider lying to be bad. however, i do lie to protect others (or myself in rather irrelevant situations)
Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for? of course i don't want everyone to immediately forget me, i'd love it if sometimes they thought of me when a certain song comes on
Is true world peace ever possible? not as long as humans exists
Are you free? Will you ever be? Can anyone be truly free? No. I am bound by financial, time and space constraints.
Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others? yes, sometimes i do
What do you expect from a friend or partner? honesty, loyalty, communication, being on equal footing, trust
What question could you ask to find out the most about a person? people are not truthful enough for this
Do you justify all your beliefs or have you just inherited/absorbed some? i mean... i do like to have some sort of truth and facts to back up my believes?
Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong? human beings are inherently good
Can human really understand the complete nature of the universe, space and time? no, under no circumstance
Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing? definitely. why wouldnt we be? what else is there to distract us from our cosmic insignificance and how pointless this life actually is? if we didnt try to escape we would have all committed suicide by now lol. that wouldnt be such a bad thing tho i guess
Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity? no, there will always be partially new elements
Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them? are times ever not strange and tumultuous
Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them? hell nah. i even hate seeing only parts of myself in others lol
How confident are you, really? idk not very confident id say
How consistent is your perception of time? dude dont get me started
What age should people be allowed to vote? Should children and teenagers be allowed to vote? i feel like for teenagers age shouldnt matter, it would be more useful to quiz them to assess whether they understand the power they are given by voting
How do you feel about monogamy? i prefer monogamous relationships.
Can you be in love with someone and still fall in love with someone else? yes
What’s the tragedy of your life? i have been given so much but my mind wont let me appreciate any of it
Would your life make a good play? nah
Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation? no
Do you believe in gender equality in every aspect? uh, of course i do?
Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent? i think we do.
Do you crave approval and/or praise? i guess i do to an extent
Are you ever going to be satisfied? dont think so
When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy? i usually listen to aggressive music to change my mood lol
Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time? by mood
Would you marry a friend if they needed you to (e.g. for citizenship)? yes
Are you a deep person? i'm shallow even though i don't mean to be
Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it? no
Are you who people think you are? no but i am even a mystery onto myself lmao
Do you think you would be happier if you had been born a different gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality or religion? no
What’s your toxic trait? Are you trying to improve yourself and fix it? i can be controlling, i'm trying to be better
Do you anger easily? yes
Are you a jealous person? yea tho usually in non-romantic relationships
If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality? no?
Given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it? whats the point
Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate? i guess it can be. i have never felt hate like that. only towards ppl i have never met
Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn? i speak english and german. i dream in german, during my time abroad i did start to dream in english occasionally tho lol. if it didnt take any time or effort i would love to learn alll the languages. especially spanish and russian i guess
Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them? usually i overthink them lol
How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately? unconditionally
Is unrequited love real love? sure? feelings do not become real only if they're reciprocated? lol. of course it probably cannot be as profound as the love you feel for someone you've been with for some time
Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you? no
Are you overly analytical? no
Do you ever feel that you are really a terrible person, and only act good out of societal or some other obligation? not really, no
Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious? i don't believe in magic. i am a little stitious.
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February 10th, 2018
**real names have been changed for the sake of privacy. YES i changed the name of my muslim crush and friends to christian names. If you have any advice for me or any comments, please feel free to leave them. just a regular muslim girl trying to find love (the halal way)
So nothing really has changed since i made my last update. I texted him yesterday and initiated conversation. I kinda felt weird doing it though since this whole scenario is weird in general. i'm used to him hitting me up in the mornings while he’s at work and starting a convo and tbh i think the main reason why i feel kinda iffy about messaging him first is because he had also told me in his "tbh" moment that the reason he wasnt 100% interested in the beginning was because he felt off about how i initiated us talking from the beginning. that a girl should make a guy feel lucky to have her and that he also figured that since i was the first to make the initial move, that must’ve meant i've done this in the past with other guys.
kinda funny though considering he's the first guy i've ever tried talking to. im sure he realized after the thursday meeting (if he was still unsure) that i've never done this before. highlighted by my awkwardness + shyness. i remember there was a moment where there was a silence and i looked up to him looking at me. which kinda freaked me out and made me look down, and when i looked up again he was still staring at me. and legit i looked up and down for a solid 10-15 seconds. ugh im legit sooo awkward lol why can't i talk. but on a side note i just found out that some guys find a girl being shy as "cute". i hardly think he thought my behavior was cute though lol more so annoying for the fact that we ARE friends and i didnt know how to act like one.
i know that even though when i met him on monday for the first time (since like last year), i was even more shy. I would cover my face and mouth with my hands and not look at him that much. but he was able to control the conversation and kept making jokes etc etc. that was the main difference between the first meeting and the second. i was less shy in the second meeting but i guess my awkwardness was rubbing off onto him. i dont know how it'll go this week (heck idk if we'll even still meet) but i hope that i can be more myself and show him that im not as boring and awkward as ive been making myself out to seem. and i also hope he can take control again for when i DO slip up and get quiet.
but anyways back to the whole texting thing. i messaged him and it has been kinda choppy. tbh the flow of our texts is kinda similar to the flow of how our meeting went. choppy and silent lol. i keep thinking that he probably regrets talking to me and that he doesn't really wanna have communication with me anymore. it makes me feel sad. i want to bounce back at least through our texts but im not sure how to anymore. i forgot how we used to talk and how we used to be able to talk about nothing for hours. i dont know how to do that anymore which is weird considering that its only been 2 days since i was last able to. again i guess he's being nice about it but i feel like he's partly ignoring me again. like how he used to ignore me last semester. the only thing that made me kind of optimistic was how he mentioned that if i ever do come to see his dad at their store, his dad might think i was a druggie or something since not many desis come around to that area. he was basically trying to make a joke about my presence at the store after talking to his dad about another muslim customer that walked in. so that means he at least thought of me when he was joking with his dad. and then he sent me a snap afterwards of a song on the radio. which made it feel normal again.
i guess i might be overthinking everything but i KNOW that this next meeting will probably determine how things will go. i dont want to mess it up and i've been thinking of different ways to go about it. i wanted to text him and tell him how it's just hard for me to be myself with him in person still and i need to feel a little more comfortable around him before we can develop a flow in our conversations and stuff but then i figured i might as well tell him that in person. so at least thats one conversation we can have the next time i see him. plus he's a nice guy, one of the good ones, so i feel like if i told him how i genuinely feel and acknowledge the fact that im uncomfortable then he might feel the need to make me more comfortable. i also told “Amanda” about everything and she wants to come make a "guest appearance" the next time we meet up to kinda help navigate the conversation and make me feel more at ease with her presence.
i also DONT want to meet again at the cafeteria on campus. first of all, its soooo hard for me to hear him when we're in there. i guess bc of the kitchen and of the starbucks line and everyone sitting and talking near us and the fans overhead etc etc. i realized that one of the main reasons why our conversation was so choppy was also because i had made a mental list of everything i wanted to talk to him about (in hopes of not running out of something to say) but because of my list, i kept jumping from one topic to the next without actually stopping to LISTEN to what he had to say and then ask him a follow up question. like how the heck do i forget how to listen??? such common knowledge but of course i effed up on that too lol. another reason why i dont want to meet at the cafeteria is because i dont like sitting right across from him, it feels like we are in an interview and it doesn't help me relax but makes things worse for me. plus there's nothing to really do at the cafeteria. he eats only zabihah so we cant even order food. i was thinking maybe we could go to the gameroom and play a card game like uno or something. i know he wanted to go to the gym on campus and sit on the benches for the basketball court so we had more "privacey" aka not as many people around to bump into us lol but that's also kind of scary. because then we can't have a break and talk about someone we just saw and we would also be forced to pay 100% attention to each other. i dont know if i want him to pay that much attention to me when im acting all goofy the way that i am. but i know that if we go to the gym it would make more sense if “Amanda” bumped into us since she's always there exercising to begin with.
i just hope he hasn't given up hope on me. it's so weird to think about where we were a few days ago to where we are now. we were so comfortable and honest with each other. we still are honest and stuff but we aren't talking as much. we aren't sharing things anymore. it kind of feels like we are preparing for things to not work out. but i want things to work out. I know “Bill” and “Samantha's” relationship in the beginning was similar to ours. but they had the opportunity to see each other multiple times throughout the week so they got over this phase quicker. we only have the chance to maybe see each other once a week and since its a hassle for him to begin with he might just figure it's best to give up on the whole idea. i dont want him to give up on me.
i just realized its 12:01 AM and i missed Isha namaaz. so i have to make that up. i've been praying for him in my duas. before i would pray for his MCAT score and either an acceptance to medical school or for Allah swt to show him a path that will be the most beneficial and satisfying to him and his deen. now im starting to pray again and make dua that if we are meant to be then make it easy for us. (also for us to be meant for each other lol). i guess the reason why i feel so strongly for him is bc i haven't met any guy or even heard of another guy as hard working as him, as focused as him, as god fearing as him. we match in what we want in this dunyaa. and when i think about him in my future i see someone that i can pray with and be happy with. someone that i can feel safe with. i just hope he doesn't give up on me.
just take it one day at a time.
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most days I’m ok w not having dated, being 20 and never having a boyfriend or a first kiss or someone who likes me but then other times I get rlly sad and start questioning whether I’m rlly that ugly or unlikable that no ones ever shown an interest in me or tried to get to know me or anything and idk it’s like I know I don’t need a partner to be whole, but it sure as fuck would be nice to have someone by you yknow
#also the fact that dating is haram obvs doesnt help#like i get that if it were allowed id be able to put myself out there and someone would be interested#but naturally im reserved and dont rlly talk w guys cos i know it cant go anywhere#but godddds i get rlly sad sometimes and just start wishing dating was halal#like :(((((( i just want a guy to like me and go on cute first dates and get to know esch other#why am i close to tears LOL is it this deep#i feel like ive missed out on things#and also yh dating is haram but ive never even been asked out or anything#like i would say no if someone asked but no one has#and idk it makes me sad#ugh tmi my period is due so like idk if this me being extra emotional cos of that#or just up late at night overthinking emotions#or maybe its just my regular emotions fuck knows tbh#rahma’s rambles
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