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babygirl-000p · 2 months

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So I’ve met an incredible guy that’s makes me feel like I could take over the world💞 I think I owe some of you a story time for being so quiet for a while. And also i really enjoy writing them for you. So I’ll tell you about a day with this man (I asked what he wanted to be called in this story and he said Mr. O, O for orgasm🤪). Here it goes:

He lives in another town and we couldn’t see each other longer than a few hours during the day, so he drove an hour to visit me. First he picked me up and we decided to go a gallery and to have some lunch. He brought a bag of vibrators that he showed me before and told me we were using later.

I’m always so filled with emotions and so wet whenever I’m around him, and he says things like that he’s proud of me for being who I am and that I should listen to my heart and that he thinks I’m so beautiful and wonderful. I sort of wished for him to touch me in public but he just kissed me and looked at me with his really sexy eyes and told me that he couldn’t wait to make me cum for him later in the car.

As soon as we sat down in the car he gave me a wand and told me to use it while he was driving. So I spread my legs and put the vibrator between my legs. He told me I was being a good girl and that I should continue. We tried to find a place to park so we could have more fun, and since he doesn’t know this town I had to give him instructions while I was moaning and trying to focus.

He never lets me cum only once so when I came the first time he immediately told me to keep the vibrator where it was. I struggled a bit to keep it there because I’m a bit sensitive right after I orgasm, but I like it when he encourages and challenges me so I did my best to keep it there. I came two more times before we parked the car. When I was done he said “and what do we say?” And I said “thank you”.

We arrived to a place where we could park. It was next to a gardening center which I was sure was only open during the summer. So we parked there and he folded the backseat and covered it with blankets and pillows. He then asked me while I was still wearing clothes, so I got undressed and put my arms around his neck. He put his fingers inside of me and he said “wow” and told me I was really wet. He then put his now wet fingers in my mouth so that I could taste myself.

He fingered me until I came a few times, constantly telling me I’m a good girl and that I’m making him proud and such (I love that, it makes me crazy in the best possible way). Then we hugged and kissed and he made sure I had a minute of rest and some water before he spread my legs apart and got on top of me and started fucking me. While he was fucking me I got to have his fingers, and sometimes my own, in my mouth. We often keep eye contact during and it’s so intense. He then came inside of me while holding me really close to him💞

We then rested and talked for a while until he told me it was time for me to cum for him again. He then gave me a vibrator to hold while I had his fingers inside of me. I’m so comfortable around him and it feels so good that I can’t resist being loud. I catch myself almost screaming sometimes because I can’t control it at all.

Probably idk many orgasm later while I was resting my head on his chest, I saw something move outside the window. We looked more closely and saw that someone was sitting nearby just watching and having a cup of coffee or something. We immediately started getting dressed and trying to leave as fast as possible. It was cold and sunny and we had fogged up the car so bad that we had to use a shirt to try to get the windows dry before we could leave.

We then went and bought ‘fika’ and drinks (he had me put a vibrator inside of me and walk around with it while we were shopping) and then we went driving around the place where I grew up. I showed him places and told him stories from my life. We talked about memories, old lovers, sorrows and so on. He also made me cum a few more times in the car before we stopped by the water so that I could have a cigarette and so we could hug for a while.

He then drove me home and made me cum a few more times before kissing me and dropping me off. It was a perfect day with a perfect person💞

The picture is taking at his place, the mirror says “there’s no one like you”💞

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the-cockroach-that-survived · 1 month

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I’m just gonna vent about the ridiculousness of being a MCYT stan rn, especially a DTeam (previously DTQK) main…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Ok but on a real note cause I do actually have stuff to say lol.

Aside from creator drama/controversy/etc. (content creators be normal challenge GO !! /silly /lh), which also stinks (RIP SBI, lovejoy, bench trio, DTQK, etc.) I’m just really tired of how this affects my personal relationships

ATP, I feel comfortable and confident in my own interests and opinions enough that I don’t really listen to the internet anymore, nor do I have any sorts of moral panics over watching these guys, and I don’t really think I should have to defend myself for liking them, but the unfortunate reality is that I do have to defend it, constantly.

It just really sucks

The DSMP in particular, both the lore and the creators, have been a special interest of mine for going on 4 years now, and the many many ways that it has impacted my life makes it so it’s really hard to be friends with anyone who has an even slightly negative opinion of it (even the totally fair ones)

I feel bad, because I very much have the standpoint that ruining friendships over fandoms is stupid and such arbitrary things shouldn’t be able to hold so much power, however unfortunately, being AuDHD, and being friends with mostly other AuDHD people, our interests are very important to us, and so is justice, so it’s not that easy.

I KNOW what I KNOW about these creators and I am confident and comfortable in that, but most of my friends don’t know all that, and when they know ANYTHING about these people, it’s almost always negative information.

I so badly want to correct them and debunk all the negative and false boohockey that gets spread around and give them reasons why these creators are good and why I like them because it would make me and our friendship more comfortable, but usually they’re so uncomfortable or at least suspicious and skeptical of these creators based on their preconceived notions that me TRYING to correct or explain things always gets shut down with “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” after just a couple points.

I’m happy and glad that most of my friends are mature and responsible enough that regardless of their opinions, they can respect my interest and not talk negatively about it to me and such, but it also sucks knowing that I can’t share so many huge parts of my life with them because of it, or at the very least I feel like I have to be vague or half lie in order to.

It’s not fun feeling like I’m walking on eggshells

All this over watching people play video games no less

It’s just frustrating and I never know if I should keep trying to explain things more so they can understand things and hopefully change their viewpoint, or if I should just let it go and accept I can’t talk about a lot of things with a lot of my friends.

I don’t like having friends that I can’t be that open with, friends who don’t get me.

Like, I can’t do completely casual relationships of any kind, it’s just not comfortable or fulfilling to me.

And as stupid as I think it sounds a lot of the time, I can’t change the fact that MCYT, especially the DSMP, is extremely important to me and has greatly impacted many parts of my life, so being friends with people who dislike it to pretty much any extent is hard and uncomfortable and it sucks.

I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable and I don’t want to lose important relationships over this kind of thing, but this stuff is ALSO extremely important to me, and I know in the long run it’s best to surround myself with people who understand that.

Idk, I’m just tired of having to defend and explain myself, I guess.

It’s literally just people playing video games

#plus the idea that pretty much any content creator/celebrity/person in general is completely unproblematic is just impossible #people need to accept nuance more often it’s really frustrating #rambling #dsmp #dsmpblr #dreamblr #404blr #pandablr #dtblr #dteam #dream team #dtqk #mcyt #mcytblr #kinda controversy talk ig #audhd #neurodivergent #fandom problems

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enby-wrights · 11 months

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(warning i do not understand how tumblr works i have been on here for like two months and gathered absolutely nothing so i apologize if i did something wrong with like tags and the like? also i think i kind of sound like a youth pastor towards the end of this but it’s okay i do what i want. anyways)

greetings marble hornets fanbase i just have some (long) thoughts to share on tim and alex :) i have some Mental Health Hot Takes that are not worded well because i wrote this at one in the morning but feel free to read anyways. also i know that the marble hornets mental illness allegory conversation has been done to death but please let me throw in my two cents i am just a little guy and i even said please

in all my six long years traversing the Deep Dark Depths of the marble hornets fanbase, i’ve never been all that interested in exploring any kind of close relationship between alex and tim within the story-- i think 2006 alex comes off as a bit desperate and overbearing, and i think that would have made 2006 tim a little too anxious to attempt to get close to him. it’s just interesting to think that they wouldn’t quite fit together at the only point in their lives where they would have had the chance.

their position in the overall story as narrative foils to one another, however........... now that’s a tasty character dynamic if i do say so myself :) although essentially all of season three revolves around the conflicts between people as they react to the mental illness metaphor operator in their own Fun And Unique ways, alex and tim are undoubtedly the poster children of this concept. both of them begin dealing with almost identical issues, and their reactions to these issues shape their individual narratives in completely opposite directions. i was thinking about it while listening to the podcast great, more tapes today (which if you haven’t listened to it i totally recommend it even though it has been dead for a year) and it’s kind of a really great allegory for the ways in which people’s reactions to experiences with mental illness can either make or break our recovery. as someone who has intentionally made my own recovery worse on multiple occasions out of general manic faux edginess, the parallels kind of hit me really hard

i’m gonna highlight the differences between alex and tim’s reactions to the mental illness metaphor operator using a bullet point list because i’m autistic and all of my thoughts occur in bullet point lists actually

during the filming of alex kralie’s marble hornets, as their symptoms are both beginning to set in, we see alex alone incredibly often. tim, on the other hand, is always seen surrounded by other people (this also comes down to the contexts in which they were filming but whatever it’s artistic framing or something idk)

tim seeks medical attention. duh. i think it’s probably pretty safe to assume that alex did not seek any sort of medical attention for his mental health issues leading up to all that murder, otherwise there maybe wouldn’t have been murder

aside from seeking medical help, we also see tim seeking help (or at least visibility) from his peers. entry #66 is just tim yelling at jay about how scared he is. and even if jay isn’t really much help, he can at least see where tim is coming from in the future and has the opportunity to act accordingly (he does not take this opportunity but hey at least it’s there. as alex’s condition worsens, all we see is him lying to his loved ones about what’s going on. which is bad.

alex constantly walks in anger and fear. tim doesn’t stifle his emotions (i.e. him beating the shit out of jay), but he also acts logically and doesn’t dwell on them for too long

by season three alex is just fucking living all alone in the woods (which if you didn’t know is the opposite of seeking help)!! not only is he running around in an echo chamber but he chose to bring a gun into the echo chamber with him which is a really great way to become more mentally ill. tim on the other hand has a job, and a life, and people in his life who at least care enough about him to call him and see if he’ll be at work on time. he keeps busy and he interacts with the world around him and even when he’s having to constantly check in with his doctor to make sure he stays okay he is out and about and being a person

and it’s a weird thing to think about because when i’m at my worst psychologically i tend to bring a (METAPHORICAL) gun into my own echo chamber and sulk around in there until i start to believe some pretty shitty things about the world around me

but on the few occasions where i do manage to reach for help and respect my feelings while still existing outside myself it’s a miraculous feeling. i get better. and then i get worse again, because mental illness is a bitch, but it gets easier and easier to reach out every time.

and i think that’s part of the reason why alex gets eaten up by the idea of the operator while tim doesn’t. tim has experience with getting help, and he’s clearly developed a skill for taking care of himself. he just got lucky that his first time dealing with a mental health crisis wasn’t as fucked up as alex’s.

anways tldr alex kralie is my new example for what not to do in my mental health recovery journey also he’s a bitch

(ps i don’t understand how i got to the end of this rant without mentioning masky a single time but i promise he fits into the mental illness allegory somewhere probably maybe)

#marble hornets #alex kralie #tim wright

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steffigraf · 4 months

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warning for a clearly anxiety-ridden oversharing freakout below the cut. sorry. i’m too sensitive and i’m unfortunately acutely aware of it.

tldr; im being a drama queen. gonna take a tumblr break for a week or two. to my mutuals, feel free to dm for my insta. i’ll be active until i wake up tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna zip

gonna preface this by saying this is in no way directed to the people whom i actually talk to constantly on here like you lot were lovely and im just dealing with a lot of demons in my head :(

anyway. sometimes i feel more like a product manufacturer than a person on here. and idk. i know most of you guys are really just following me for gifs and content and whatever but. yeah. idk. i guess the things i say don’t matter to anyone unless it’s funny. or if people want to call me out. not that im mad abt that exactly btw i do appreciate when people respectfully call me out for my own mistakes but. sometimes. i feel like im in a fishbowl and you’re all just waiting for me to say something wrong and cancel me. or then again, maybe most of you already think im a shit person and you just stay for the gifs. or maybe you guys think i’m a loser who has nothing to do but spend all day on this goddamn website.

and i know, somewhere inside me, that that’s not true and that it’s clearly the anxiety talking. maybe it’s just me maybe i’m making this up in my head i dunno. but i’m just kinda tired right now. too tired to battle the anxiety like usual at least. and i don’t really feel wanted outside of the content i produce, beyond the notes of my gifs or my fun posts. which ik shouldn’t matter but. i’m a pathological people pleaser etc etc.

(god, seeing this all typed out, i can’t even fucking blame you guys if you actly don’t like me cause. i kinda wanna shake myself by the shoulders and tell myself get a grip girl the world doesn’t revolve around you shut up shut up shut your damn mouth—)

i’ve been trying to manage by unfollowing and blocking a few people (which btw, if i did that to you and we used to be mutuals, it’s probably nothing personal i mostly just kept people i’m a bit closer to). but i’m still not really settled. and considering how i’m posting like every other day about feeling like shit, you guys probably figured that out lmao.

and well. on a separate note. seeing that rat’s name alone is too much for me sometimes. i couldn’t watch his game with carlos. i spent hours in his match with daniil turned away from the television, wearing noise canceling headphones while trying (and failing) to talk myself down from a full blown anxiety attack. i’ve said this before but the way people talk about him, both the fucked up silence and the justified outrage, it reminds me way too much about a family problem i have right now. hits uncomfortably close to home. prior to this i kinda thought i’d made my peace with the whole family situation but no apparently not. had he won the semis, i wasn’t even sure if i would be able to stomach cheering for jannik if it meant having to watch that man play.

so. idk. between the way actual tennis has been making me feel and the way tennisblr in general has seemed for me lately, i figure i need some space.

long story short ive been spending way too much time on tumblr this ao. and its gotten really bad for my mental health i guess. so i think i need to take maybe a week or two, to clear my head. watch tennis without opening this app every other point. spend time with people i love. get back to therapy. try to be a functioning adult.

(this is so fucking dramatic for a goddamn week of no tumblr i know that and i want to smack myself upside the head because why am i like this why do i make things snowball why why why—)

anyway. yeah. that’s it. if you actually read through all of that then. thanks. if not it’s okay too.

to my mutuals, the ones whom i’ve had at least some form of friendly interaction with in replies or dms, you can ask for my insta account btw. not that i’m crazy active on there but like. if you guys wanna be friends beyond the anonymity of this yknow. no pressure though.

#sorry to get all sad again #been editing this on my drafts all day #ive not been in a good headspace lately #*

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monstersinthecosmos · 7 months

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Hi!! I would love to hear your thoughts about Marius' experience of captivity and how this affects his relationship with Armand. You alluded to this in Gallows Bird and I think that's a super interesting thread to pull

[ Let me drop these two fics real quick to get it out of the way for reference sorry if this is obnoxious LOL but Gallows Bird (Marius/Armand) and The Lotus Eater (Armand/Daniel) !! ]

Asdgahsdk oh boy

I have so many deep nuanced feelings about Marius de Romanus so be patient with me while I try to sketch this all out, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!

So one thing I want to mention off the bat, which is not necessarily canon VC but is relevant to my fics and how I write, is that I process a lot of ND/ADHD stuff when I write, and this goes way back before I even knew I had ADHD. So even going back to like my earlier VC fics from like 5-6 years ago, I think I was constantly inserting traits of myself into my fics and trying to process them in the way that I thought they were just character flaws at the time. AND LIKE this is also relevant because I wrote Gallows Bird to be directly correlating to my Devil’s Minion fics. For example, in The Lotus Eater, one of my huge emotional cornerstones in that fic/me talking about my own perceived character flaws, was the “he had been careless with this boy” theme. And I repeated that in Gallows Bird on purpose to link them lol. So that example is like, I was really inspired by like how ADHD can ruin things on accident; like you don’t take care of something, miss a deadline, break something by being careless even though you DO CARE. At the time when I wrote The Lotus Eater I had no idea about ADHD so I just thought it was like this bad part of my personality that I was really struggling with. I am more forgiving of that now.

And I connect this also to Marius in Gallows Bird because like, something I really struggled with as a person is like the ND/ADHD impulse to like RELATE TO PEOPLE when they’re trying to talk, like bringing up my own experience as a way to say “Something like this happened to me too so I can empathize with you”, which is always well intentioned! And I’ve seen so much convo from ND folks that struggle with this because NT folks tend to misunderstand it as changing the subject/being narcissistic/whatever.

Anyway!!!!!!!!! Sorry for that preamble but I’m saying that like, I kind of approach writing Marius as a mix of canon & projection, because yknow it’s my fuckin story and I feel like it lol but I think like the fun of fanfic and what makes people’s styles unique and interesting is our mix of perspectives and personalities and like how we choose to fill in the blanks in canon or interpret characters, right?

Canon Marius makes a few comments when he meets Armand about how like, this is someone who is as bruised and damaged as he is, and someone who can heal him, and he feels their souls understand each other. And Canon Marius is like, arrogant enough (by his own admission!) to see the absolute HORRIFIC trauma the Armand went through and go “Oh yeah I had horrific trauma too.”

How do we compare Armand’s trauma to Marius’s trauma? Idk. No one can answer that because we all respond to trauma differently. So I think to some extent there’s some headcanon territory here of how everyone interprets Marius, and do we believe him that his trauma was SO SEVERE that it IS on par with what’s happened to Armand? Or do we believe what he went through isn’t so bad/was 1500 years ago and he’s being obnoxious by comparing the two because he should be healed by now?

I’d also ask like, to what extent is neither true/is it not that fucking deep, like is Marius simply saying “wow this looks really bad, I want to know him for centuries so he has time to grow and heal”; like perhaps Marius at this point sees his captivity & murder as this awful thing that happened to him 1500 years ago and maybe it feels sort of disconnected.

BUT I DON’T KNOW, the thing about Marius is that he’s so fucking stoic! Like I know I’ve brought it up a couple times recently but it’s because I was reading some Marcus Aurelius to put in Gallows Bird lol so using that to like fill in some blanks with Marius, he reads like someone who is constantly trying to rationalize away his own emotions. And like! IDK! Maybe beliefs about psychology are always a phases or temporary until we learn more, but reading him in 2023 I just call bullshit on that! It doesn’t work that way! So who’s to say that his 1500 year old trauma isn’t actually still very close to the surface, and who’s to say he can’t be easily retraumatized whenever it comes up because he’s never meaningfully recovered?

AND LIKE FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED TRAUMA THE AFTERMATH IS SO OFTEN ABOUT JUST FINDING CONTROL OVER WHATEVER YOU CAN, NO MATTER HOW USELESS OR UNHEALTHY IT IS. And that's also the sort of central thesis of Gallows Bird; giving Armand a space to process his trauma where he's in control. And for Marius it's just really sad how often he tries to control his own personality, his own feelings, his own mask, the way people perceive him, and it's such a struggle for him that it always eventually collapses.

I want to pause here for a second too and bring up a couple old posts I’ve written so I’m not repeating myself too much LOL but let’s also consider:

Trauma Hole Theory and if vampires are stuck forever within the trauma of their turning

Marius & Armand’s equal-opposite religious trauma

Marius’s struggle with feeling emotion

I think if we start dissecting ANY vampire in VC we’ll see thematic ways that their turning has traumatized them forever, between the violence/trauma around the act itself but also whatever ways they’ve been frozen as their mortal selves. Lestat is a perpetually insecure 20 year old who can’t emotionally regulate and must prove himself to everybody, Louis is someone who didn’t want to live at all and was given eternal life rather than death, Armand is deeply wounded and fucked up but is having like 2 years of relative peace and safety. And Marius is like, older, has lived life, knows what he’s losing and gaining, and has his entire worldview shattered after spending a year resenting religious zealots only to find out that everything they believed was true.

So I bring all these points up because I don’t think there’s a simple answer or a direct correlation here. Marius recognizes that they’ve each suffered a trauma, but he hasn’t really dealt with his own in a meaningful way, therefore he is not equipped to help Armand deal with his either.

I constantly go back to when Marius hits him after they come back from Kiev and I think this really hammers it home for me—Marius is someone who wants to strangle all of his emotions into submission, and he’s really trying to believe that it’s a matter of willpower to simply NOT FEEL THINGS. So much of Marcus Aurelius is about this! AND IN SOME WAYS LIKE, YEAH THIS IS MAYBE AN ANCIENT VERSION OF CBT??? Like we do CBT to patiently teach ourselves to think differently, but it’s obviously not as easy as simply shutting your emotions off or bullying yourself out of feeling any. And he’s trying SO SO hard to be this way, and it doesn’t work, so it’s not going to work on Armand either!

And like it’s not Marius simply being a dickhead, simply being abusive; I do think he’s really trying, but he’s fucking lost! HE HAS LIVED LIES! And god it just really hurts to see him as someone who struggles with this shit and who lies to himself about it, LIKE WHO HASN’T BEEN THERE? How many of us who struggle with mental health haven’t had those moments like, those tiny glimpses seeing behind the veil and being honest with yourself, but being so fucking powerless and not knowing what to do with it.

I know I’ve personally had moments of realization like “I am going to be like this forever” and it’s SO defeating, and imagining that sentiment for someone who will LIVE FOREVER just hurts me so bad!

We see this trope in media sometimes—certainly it’s based in real life!—of parents projecting onto children, trying to correct mistakes by breaking a cycle, but which only serves to treat their child like an extension of themselves and not a whole individual. So I think of that, too—Marius seeing himself in someone who was also abducted, and even though he also plans to turn Armand, he wants it to be beautiful and gentle! (He even changes his mind about it several times before he does it in a panic because Armand is dying! {this is heavily referenced in Gallows Bird because he realizes he's fucked Armand up to much to let him live anyway.} ) He also is sorta trying to fake it till he makes it with all this emotional stuff; like even though he KNOWS he can’t simply shut emotions off, he’s still trying to teach Armand to. And going back to Marius being a lil arrogant, I think sometimes he does project himself onto other people, or treat people better if they remind him of himself. So like, projecting some wounded version of himself onto Armand to try to rescue, vs risking it all for Lestat a few centuries later because someone who reminds him of himself actually WANTS to be rescued.

The IRONY too that like he spends his whole time in captivity as a skeptic, not believing that there is a God in the Grove, and for that entity to turn out to be a vampire!!! Marius presenting HIMSELF as a god-figure to Armand, but trying to be safe and friendly about it! I don’t know man I’m really fucking hsdkjgladsghkjl upset right now lol

And after all that like, not really knowing what exactly happened to Armand to indoctrinate him into the cult, just knowing that he’s thriving with them, that he gave it all up to be their leader, is such a betrayal of everything and so traumatizing!

Gosh.

Anyway.

I DON’T’ KNOW WHERE TO START I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO END, THINKING ABOUT THIS FUCKS ME UP I HOPE THIS ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION LOL

#deep ass thoughts about vampires #marius de romanus #armand #marius/armand #vampire chronicles #trauma hole theory #stuff i wrote #gallows bird

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marrfixated · 8 months

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Pinned post/My info:

Last updated May 4, 2024

TL;DR: Marr, he/she/they/any, neurodivergent, Total Drama (Alenoah, Priyemma, etc), fanfiction, sideblog @priyemma

Sooo busy lately but TD is always on my mind

My name is Marr! I use He/She/They and any pronouns. I’m Omni, Bigender, and Aspec. Or something. I’m cool with any gendered terms, and I pretty much use them interchangeably myself. Gal, guy, neither, whatever!

I have ADHD and anxiety (both diagnosed) along with other things, but those are the ones I’ll probably talk about on here the most. I’m mixed White and Latina (plus Native) but fairly white passing. I speak English and want to learn Spanish, but I’m definitely not fluent. American and more “country” than I realize lol

Right now im really into Total Drama. It’s one of my longest lasting hyperfixations so far! I also post about a few other things, like House M.D and Dungeon Meshi. (More likely reblogging those things though.)

Specifically in Total Drama I mostly post about Alenoah and Priyemma. Recently been talking about the newest Reboot season (and my complaints with it). I talk the most about World Tour and TDI 2023 because it’s been a while since I’ve watched all the seasons and those are the ones I remember the best. I plan to rewatch them all… someday. I haven’t even finished watching reboot s2 because it’s painful!

I love shipping! I can’t even list them all because there’s so many tbh. I am very much a multi shipper and I constantly am finding new things to ship! I try to not engage in ship hate ever, but sometimes I slip up lol. I post some less-than-positive content about Nemma on occasion or Juliayne… everything that could be considered ship hate is tagged as such and never tagged with the ship that is being slandered.

I can’t really draw, so if I ever post my beginner drawings please be nice lol 😭 I’m still developing a style and learning. I have many, many WIPs that I might share here and there. I do really want to be able to draw confidently and make art for the things I love!

I’ve started writing fanfiction again lately! It’s a struggle for a lot of reasons. Props to everyone who writes fics because it’s hard. It takes me hella long too! I usually get out at least one a month. My user is Marrfixated on AO3, feel free to leave comments or kudos!

I’ve written four Alenoah oneshots so far. Most recently posted Contra Entendre, so go read that! I have 3 other oneshots that are somewhat written and I’ll post someday, but I’ve shifted my focus to planning some longer fics. I currently have an Alenoah AU and a Priyemma post-canon fic in the works! The latter is my main focus as I plan out the entire thing.

I also have tiktok @Marrfixated. I post on tumblr more than TikTok because it’s easier, but I started off there. I don’t really use anything else yet (except ao3). I also have a Priyemma centric sideblog on here (@priyemma), where I’ll sometimes reblog content from and vice versa.

You’re on thin ice if you engage in ship discourse, constantly hate on ship I like (it makes me sad 💔), or are a dsmp fan/an enjoyer of any of Vivziepop’s works (I don’t like you).

Proshippers DNI. Zionists DNI. Vivziepop defenders DNI. Dream supporters DNI. Dsmp supporters also DNI. Do some damn research.

I might post suggestive things here sometimes, but I don’t think I ever have or will post any extremely nsfw content. I don’t plan to EVER post nsfw or suggestive related content related to td, it makes me uncomfortable as most of the characters are minors. I do curse a lot, and reclaim the f slur on occasion. Please don’t engage in ship discourse on my account for no reason! That’s no fun.

I usually take like 3 years to answer asks or dms or whatnot for various reasons… but I swear I don’t mean any offense! I just um forget sometimes 😇 Or I post it to drafts instead… or I get nervous 😶 and sometimes idk if you just sent it or want me to actually respond so I just guess? Ummm yeah. Also they go missing a lot. Probably have to figure that out. Oops!

I reblog a lot so right now I’m trying to tag all my original posts as #original post. Lazy posts are usually tagged with #shitpost. Random posts are usually tagged as #nonfandom post. My td fics are tagged as #my fanfiction.

That’s it!

#original post

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sttoru · 4 months

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hey karina, in gonna ask a fairly odd question. as a writer myself, i personally try to make my y/n’s relatable, first and foremost for myself, and obviously for at least most people that will be reading my fics. so i assume every other writer does something similar as well.

so in your fics(which are super enjoyable and well written btw!) i noticed that you kind of praise y/n? through the characters eyes, but still. lots of authors do this, but this is my first time gathering the courage to ask, so please dont take it personally! and feel free to ignore my question! my issue is that i believe im unattractive and i hate making it seem otherwise, even in fiction. feels like im lying to myself. so are you girls actually that pretty, or do you just write like that hoping someone would think that of you someday?😭 im genuinely going insane over this im so sorry. im also 20(unless i read your age with my ass) and i have never been loved or found attractive my whole life am i the issue? plus if you girls are loved and have boyfriends why do you even need fanfiction?😪 idk sorry if this is weird

hi, gonna answer this under the cut, bcs its kinda interesting?

firstly, thank you for the compliment! you're actually right about the thing u said in the beginning; nearly every writer out there is (a bit) self-indulgent when writing fics — me included. ofc, i try to keep out any descriptions about the reader's appearance so more people can actually enjoy my works and insert themselves when imagining whatever happens in the fic.

now to answer this first question; ‘so are you girls actually that pretty, or do you just write like that hoping someone would think that of you someday?’

simple answer: it depends heavily on the writer. everyone has different intentions behind how and why they portray their reader in their fics like they do.

to answer it for me: it’s kind of both. i have worked on my self-confidence and i actually have learnt to appreciate and love how i look. so, naturally i think i am indeed pretty. but, of course, i still have some deeply rooted insecurities that ‘m still working on.

i partially wish to erase those by praising the reader in my fics. by having the characters complimenting the reader (me, because im super self indulgent when writing) it boosts my confidence & helps me feel better when i need it.

that’s why i also love to read other fics that have the same type of style; thus, where reader gets praised in any kinda way. whether it’s physical appearance or personality wise. sometimes i read fiction solely to avoid my irl problems / insecurities or kinda solve them in a way.

reading about a reader who constantly thinks shit about themselves, is just gonna multiply all those problems for me and make me miserable—so i don’t wanna write nor read that (though i sometimes do include or like to read stuff with, for example, a reader w trust issues. that’s when i need some comfort or when i am just in the mood for angst LOL)

second question: if you girls are loved and have boyfriends why do you even need fanfiction?

simple answer: there are many different reasons as to why someone could write or read fanfiction. not everyone who reads or writes it, do it to feel loved or because they’re missing out on affection irl. it can for example be for comfort or it can be just for fun because you simply like to read or love the characters! there’s no need for a deep reason behind everything. you don’t necessarily have to have a special reason to read fics.

for me: my reasons for writing and reading fiction are yes, partially because i wanna giggle and kick my feet reading about my fav characters as love interests, but also because it’s just fun! i mainly read when i’m bored tbh. sometimes when im in need of comfort, other times when i need to have a laugh. it heavily depends on my mood actually lolol

well, lastly, i hope you find someone who makes you feel loved irl. i’m sure there’s someone out there who you will meet and who will help you heal + gain self-confidence.

even if that person never comes; you have yourself. learning to love yourself may take a while, even a lifetime, but you will eventually get there. i hope that answers your questions <3 !!

#sttoru responds.

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justamessedupdisneyprincess · 14 days

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TW VENT

TW D*ATH THREATS, S*ICIDAL THOUGHTS, TRAUMA AND ABUSE

I JUST FEEL I NEED TO GET THIS OUT BEFORE GOING OFFLINE

Alright so…I think I am gonna go offline again for another long while, go back into hibernation. I was feeling good at first being back but I can’t help but feel anxious atm. Nothing bad happened to me (surprisingly), but I can’t help but always worry if I may somehow make a fool of myself or mess things up again. I actually did find out whilst scrolling through old onward posts that some of the girls who gave me a hard time had deactivated their accounts. I feel a bit safer in that regard. But it just sort of feels too good to be true you know? I can’t help but feel like there’s a danger looming somewhere.

Idk if it’s just my anxiety, trauma or if my gut is telling me something.

Before I go I just wanna say a few things. Thanks for showing me some support. I know I am not perfect, I am far from it. I have a horrible habit of overanalysing things and getting worked up for little to no reason. For that I am sorry and I am so so so sorry if I ever made any of you worry or even hurt any of you if I ever have any of my bad panic attacks. I have a terrible anxiety disorder, I am not using it as an excuse but just to try and explain myself. I am doing my best to get better and have finally found some therapy and new medication to help.

However I will say there have been times where my meltdowns were necessary, such as when I got called horrible names and got d*ath threats and saw posts with rumours about me or posts calling me “A disgusting freak who should get fucked.”. I think those ones are worthy of crying over because honestly who wouldn’t, anxiety or not? You would have to be inhumanly strong to feel nothing when dealing with all that.

I have a lot of trauma, even before the few mean girls on tumblr in the Onward fandom. I had been stuck in an abusive platonic relationship for a year and the falling out was rough. She got super vengeful and almost destroyed my life in ways I won’t get into. I had people I looked up too suddenly gaslight me and make fun of a scared teenage me who was seeking help when I felt suicidal. Literally an ENTITE fandom harassed me nonstop. I selfshipped with another character before but a lot of people were angry at me for that. They were so obsessed with their own ships that they saw me as something of an eyesore getting in the way of the ships they like, so they bully me for self shipping with him. Some even tried to manipulate me into self shipping with another character who I had no feelings for and giving up on my fictional ex so he can be shipped with another canon character. My abusive friend tried to do that with me and far worse constantly. The onward fandom actually really supported my self ship for the most part. I have nothing to do with that old fandom anymore but it did turn up on my dash and it was more of the same sort of old chaotic drama. It is literally the most toxic fandom on the fucking planet and it destroyed my love for that show. Hell, I even started blocking any blog related to it I see just to help myself feel safer! Part of why I did deactivate my old DA account was because I wanted to get away from all that. I did have a few fans who wanted me to keep drawing for it but I got threats almost daily as well. I wanted to focus on Onward but many didn’t exactly respect that. There was a lot more to why I deactivated but that’s the gist of it.

I won’t get into more details but you can probably understand where I’m coming from with all this. Trauma and an anxiety disorder don’t mix well AT ALL!

If I had to guess I think that is why I am still so fearful of being online. I fear something will go wrong. Either if it’s another bully or if I make another mistake.

I want to apologise to anyone if I have been annoying, stupid or anything like that. I am doing my best to recover and learn to cope with my mental health bit by bit. I just hope you can understand, forgive me and enjoy your life.

I am still drawing and writing as much as I can while offline. So when I do eventually come back it’s gonna be like an explosive of content from me LOL

I kinda feel like it helps too, it’s so it’s not like “when’s the next part coming, when’s the next part coming?” If I already have the next part ready and in the works. Idk, I’m just trying to figure out how to share my artwork while still managing my mental health.

Sorry for randomly venting, I just really really feel I needed to get it out there desperately. Again, thanks so much for showing me support!

I am definitely fucked up in the head but I am doing my best to move forward, it’s just kind of slow is all but it’s better than nothing right?

#so glad I finally got actual good therapy #trauma ment tw #tw low self esteem #tw trauma #tw vent #tw abuse #tw bullying #vent #venting #mental illness #mentally ill #mental health #anxiety #trauma #onward

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a-stupid-cat · 2 months

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(Heavily inspired by a Ayvieart’s story of Dragon HRT)

This is a long one, expand at your own risk.

Fox Hormone Replacement Therapy

Introduction

Welp, here I am, and here we are. I’ll keep this brief. Got the idea from a friend of mine to start a blog before I go through with anything, something about leaving a footnote of who I was before treatment or to anchor myself to prevent dissociating.

My name is David Conners, I am 21 years old and assigned male. My pronouns are he/they and I am bisexual. My life’s been mostly good save for my early childhood (thank goodness my birthmom stepped in) and high school (don’t ask). Lately I’ve been thinking about transitioning into a female or gender-neutral after pretending to be a girl online and feeling… an odd feeling of satisfaction that’s hard to describe. However before I even called my doctor if I could, I bumped into someone on the way home from the store.

An elf.

An actual elf.

I’m not talking about someone who had surgery to get pointed ears. I’m talking about a true-blue, skin-pale-as-moonlight, 6’10” elf lady with white eyes that felt as if they pierced through my soul. I was floored that something like that not only existed, but accidentally ran into me while I was on the way back from a Wal-Mart. I asked her how she was an elf (took me ages to spit it out, stupid anxiety), and she said she went through hormone therapy.

“Hormone therapy can make you not a human?” I said in total shock.

And do you know how this magnificently beautiful lady said in response?

“Well, yeah.”

After asking how, she explained to me that there was some quack nearby who was handing this stuff out like candy to prove how far genetics have come or something like that (idk I’m not a doctor and neither was she). She gave me a copy of his card and I took it home with me after waving goodbye to friendly faerie.

After dinner, I stared at the card the elf lady gave me, reading it front to back constantly for as long as it took for Halo Infinite to update, of which I played with friends for a little bit (it was fun). All the while as I played super fiesta with the gang, I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of becoming something other than human, rather than simply becoming a different kind of human.

I have been studying witchcraft and spellcasting recently (I know how to make a candlelight on each of my fingertips already), so maybe becoming something different could help improve my newfound craft? I always did like cats, and I heard being around one makes it easier to cast spells (might be a myth, but I’ll use any excuse to own a cat), so perhaps making myself a cat would help? After a little bit of back and forth I remember my mom telling me her side of the family came from Japan, and used to have a fox shrine before they moved to America. Hell, she even told me the reason I could use magic in the first place is because I was “blessed by the foxes”. Now that I’m thinking about it, I always did prefer foxes over most other animals, and when I was young I would constantly try to get into fox enclosures to hug them… yeah I think fox is the way to go.

I’ll make sure to update somewhat monthly so people can keep track of my progress. I won’t be able to give pictures cause my camera broke, but I’ll do my best to describe what’s happening to me.

This has been David Conners, and I’ll be back shortly.

(“Keep it brief” that’s gotta be like 200 words omfg)

#adobe flash #HRT fiction #litrature #furry fiction #furry #otherkin #ayvieart #HRT

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musiclover2732 · 3 months

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every time i see those “imagine if life worked how your anxiety thinks it does and everyone booed you off the bus” posts i think about how many times waiters will make fun of me for ordering my steak medium well. like it’s one thing when it’s someone in the party i’m dining with cuz we’re all just people but the waiter who’s supposed to just write down your order and give it to the kitchen. any comments should about your order should be limited to “oh that’s my favorite” or “lots of people really like that one” and positive stuff. i am genuinely sick of the old “why bother getting it at that point” or “enjoy your shoe leather” type comments from waiters. idk is it just me cuz i have a baby face and i’m usually out with people who actually look like adults that people feel like they can make fun of me. it doesn’t help that whoever i’m with family, friends of family, whatever usually agree and laugh along and get mad when i try to explain how upset i am. it’s not just steak either. i’m a picky eater because of sensory issues, food sensitivities (lactose intolerance, other stuff that i haven’t quite figured out) and i just generally feel anxious at restaurants so i order my simple same foods and i find myself constantly being judged by people who work at these places. like don’t put the food on the goddamn menu if you’re gonna ridicule customers for ordering it. i once tried to order a plain burrito at a restaurant and the guy gave me so much shit for it that by the time it was ready i was too anxious to eat it. like does this happen to other people? do other people get shamed in public for ordering normal ass food??

#it’s not even food shaming out of fatphobia (which i also get but never in public)#it’s just over my personal preferences #i don’t get things with toppings and people act like im a freak #like plz tell me im not alone here #i mean technically this is what it boils down to whenever i discuss food so just to be safe #->#cw eating disorders

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moonknightproductions · 3 months

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For the character bingo, Xehanort and your favorite Yu-Gi-Oh character?

Gonna put this under a cut because the explanations are gonna get a little long lol

For Xehanort:

Explanations:

I absolutely love his design (any of them), Nomura knocked it out of the park with this one (although him being darker skinned than most of the cast is kinda… you know). Love the coats, love the boots, etc. BUT they could’ve gone even further with his character, even as a kid. Establish his weird empathy powers and run with it. Second row’s are pretty much self-explanatory.

As much as I want to say he’s got a big fanon focus, it’s really only a select group of people who’re in the know about Dark Road (see bottom left of the bingo lol). He very much is THEE character for me, the one who solidified my love for KH.

Autism beam.

If I think about him too long I get a headache (affectionate). Changed my life (as a package deal with kh obviously but Xeha specifically was a big part of it). I really want him to come back in KH4 even if just a cameo. Let me see my boy again in Quadratum living his best 14th life.

For the Yugis (I got a bingo!):

This is for both Yugi and Yami (which is why the dynamic one isn’t filled in; they work as standalone BECAUSE they’re so often in a dynamic). They’re a package deal.

Everyone makes fun of his hair but is it really any worse than, say, Goku’s? Yami especially could be a lot weirder (I know he mellowed out by Duel Monsters with Yugi’s help but l wish he retained some of his season 0 energy, he was very fun in that). The only ship I don’t really hate is Yugi/Anzu, actually. Yugi’s very transmasc to me but also I saw this fanart of fem-presenting genderfluid Yami and she was kinda hot ngl, so.

They very much captured my attention (in a “godammit why does every media I get into nowadays feature a characters with multiple personalities/accidental DID rep (affectionate)” way) and is basically the reason I kept watching past the first few episodes.

His name means game (how original, Takahashi). Autism.

Similarly to Xehanort, if I think about them for too long I start to cry (they’re just so sad and sweet to each other and aughhh). Due to his main character status, people constantly try to kill Yugi and he was bullied a lot before finishing the Puzzle.

Also similarly to Xehanort, he changed my life for the better (in combination with the series but it was mostly Yugi and Yami). However, in exchange, they will not leave my head. At all. They’re the form my consciousness is deciding to take for when I need to talk to myself (and it’s only natural that it’d do this considering the above-mentioned accidental DID rep). Not that I mind, I love him!

For context (even though this means nothing to people who aren’t also into it), I haven’t gotten to GX’s fourth season yet, but I have watched/read all of s0, watched both the og and dub of Duel Monsters, and am in the middle of reading the Duelist manga. I’ve also watched most of the Yugi-related movies except Bonds Through Time, so it’s pretty safe to say I’ve seen a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh media with Yugi in it. YET SOMEHOW I MISS HIM ALL THE TIME? I know I could always reread/watch stuff but every time I finish doing that I just wanna see my boy again??? I’m never satisfied with the amount I’ve seen him???

Despite all that, I do hope he’s happy. I haven’t gotten to 5Ds yet so idk what he’s like in that but I hope the protagonist of that show can help him if he needs it.

#ooo an ask #starlightwayfinder #kingdom hearts #ygo #yugi tag #So yeah

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ewanmitchellcrumbs · 2 months

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✨✨✨✨✨ANGEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! ✨✨✨✨✨

Okay hiii ~~ I’m dumping all these thoughts on you so be prepared 🤭

So like I said in my last message, I’ve been a very dark place recently where everything seems like it’s constantly hitting, but after asking for your advice, I took it to heart and really followed if, finding it really did help taking it one tiny step at a time with the simplest things. Life is still throwing every little shit it can find at me, but I’m dealing with it much much better, and I feel like I owe you some thanks to that, so again, I don’t think I can ever tell you how much I appreciate you and enjoy your presence!! I never got to respond to it, but I read your post recently and felt like this was more important to respond first.

Two, I’m so saddened to hear you’re feeling a bit lost about the writing and fandom. I haven’t been on much trying to focus on my self so I don’t know much, but when I do check in every now and then, it does seem… quiet? I hope and think it’ll liven up the closer it comes to June. But regardless of that—

I ADORE YOUR WRITING. Your writing is some of the most thought-provoking, emotional pieces I’ve read, and it truly shows and reflects just how much heart and soul you put into it. I’ll be honest, there’s some times when I can’t read certain fics of yours because I’m not mentally in the right headspace for some, but— to me— it just reflects on how great and impactful your writing is!!! Idk if u remember, and this was when I newly started following you so I was like extra super nervous and shy lol, but the person that requested the jealous Ettore was me. I think I remember sending an anon back and thanking you bc I was impressed and thankful you accepted it, but also I was so shy my hands were shaking the entire time so it was a bit blurry lol. I remember literally fangirling and gushing to my two friends (one who doesn’t even care about Ewan lmao) about how I was so impressed and blown away by it!! Your Ettore series had me hooked (AND IM STILL NOT OVER HOW IT ENDED— I WILL NEVER RECOVER. I will sue you for my emotional damages 🥺)! The Aemond one where after a toxic relationship, the reader tries to escape and he doesn’t let her literally made me want to wallow in the despair. And the Michael Gavey one where I basically wrote an essay of how much I loved it is still one I think about way too much for it to be healthy— plus it’s given me some really crazy dreams 🤭 Those are just my top three! Much to say, I adore your writing. I adore the commitment and dedication you give and feed us. And most importantly, I adore you. Although selfishly I hope you continue, I hope you know no matter what you ever decide to do, I’ll always support and follow. I am a la loyal after all 🤭😂

In all seriousness, I hope life is treating you well, and i hope you’re being kind to yourself. I’m sending all my love and support!! Please stay safe and healthy. Much much much love to you, Ange 🩶🩶🩶

-Hannah Montana anon.

Post Scriptum:: this was insanely long and completely manic-produced, I am so so sorry !! ✨

I am so glad that my advice has helped a little and things are starting to improve for you. I hope they continue to get better!

I had no idea your were my jealous Ettore anon! I had so much fun writing that, thank you for sending it! And thank you for the kind words, they truly mean a lot. You have never been anything but kind and supportive to me, and I hope you realise how appreciated it is!

I've no plans to deactivate this blog. I enjoy reading other people's fics, and looking at all the pretty gifs. I just need to do something for myself that makes me feel better about my own creative output. I've no idea what that is yet, but I will figure it out!

Thank you for taking the time to check in. I hope the rest of your week is a good one. Sending so much love to you! xoxo

#asked and answered #hannah montana anon

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 1 year

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Hi, I have hard executive dysfunctions but had some (temporary) results using to-do apps and stuff. For everything, brushing teeth, eating, etc. But it always end (very quickly) by me adding 30+ to dos for a day and working 10 hours to get them done until I break down. I can't not do it. Once I think about it, there is sooo much to do, so much I neglected.

So I saw this nice bullet journal in a shop today and took it with me and need some ideas how to make it, to not end like the others:

I thought about a symptom part, how good did I sleep, what mental health issues do I have, etc pp.

I am completely unsure if I should ad any "chore to-dos" or only self care/mental health ones. But even those feel like chores so...

And my energy level varies strongly so I thought about keeping it vague like idk "do one relaxing thing"-like maybe. So I could decide on that day, what I think I will get done. But that's pretty unsatifying.

Ah and, as much as I love such book and diaries etc, writing it down feels like a chore too so... It sounds worse than it is, I had some results but everything in this world sounds like a chore so I am unsure how to make this fun and manageable and neither go to the extreme nor give up.

Give me all your ideas and examples and plans.

Hi anon,

As soon as I saw your ask I just knew I wanted to answer it ~ I have ADHD, but because of other chronic health issues - I cannot take stimulant medications for it and rely on my adaptations to manage symptoms (and yup, some of my mental energy does get used up doing it this way - but it is possible for some of us!). I wanted to start by sharing some resource links and articles first:

The Best Work Schedule for ADHD Brains: Flexible or Rigid? (with resources at the end, and lots of reflections from a variety of folks who benefit from both - great starting point to see which style resonates with you)

Adults With Executive Function Disorder (scroll about halfway down for tips and resources)

Tips and Tricks for Executive Function Disorder (geared towards the caretaker of a child with it, but still impactful suggestions, including movement breaks and reward systems)

Executive Function Disorder: Bullet Journal (one person’s personal bullet journal and how an adaptable reward system - shaped like a bingo card - really helped them)

But also wanted to share what I use/tell myself throughout the day/week to help: (under the cut to help avoid the post getting super long)

I personally use an adapted planner for the overall schedule, it’s got enough blank spaces where if I want to “change it up” I can do that week to week, but in general this is the place where I store my overall monthly calendar and every Sunday night write out my week ahead of “big things” (apps, time sensitive errands, etc).

I take a picture of my monthly calendar, as well as my weekly so even if I’m out and about I can quickly refer to it if someone asks about a date - versus saying “I’ll check my calendar later and get back to you” . . . and then - never doing it, whoops!

People in my life are used to it by now, but essentially if someone tells me something like “next weekend is so and so’s birthday” - I’ll take a moment to set an alarm reminder to add it to my calendar when I’m home, and or make a text message note on my phone, and set an alarm that essentially reads “don’t forget to add your text notes to the calendar” (some days I can have like fifteen alarms going off throughout the day, but this way I also manage to add the information I need to, versus feeling like I’m constantly forgetting something, or worse, expending limited mental energy constantly cycling through a “don’t forget don’t forget don’t forget” concentration).

I timeblock my day every morning before everyone else is awake, for example: 7 to 8 - studies, 9 to 10 - social, and so on. By doing it every day, I can refer back to it throughout the day and adjust as needed but also not plan too far ahead with no adaptability to changing circumstances. I also ensure that for a chunk of “serious chores” I also schedule in what I like to call “serotonin boosts” - whether that’s some friends time, or creative time, whatever sparks joy for you. There have definitely been days where I felt like I could not do one more email - and then reminded myself that as soon as I got through the five I scheduled myself for, then I could draw for an hour (a basic ‘this, then that’ reward system). Suddenly, I manage to push through it, and often quicker than I had originally thought it would take - allowing me to have even more time with something that brings joy.

If I have to be somewhere at a certain time, I set several alarms, almost like a countdown

I like to use fun color pens, or even pens with like fuzzy balls, or some other sort of stimming part to it as I work - it allows me a moment to stim if I need it, even when I’m tackling the “boring brain dump” stuff.

No amount of telling my brain “just do it” for twenty minutes is going to magically create the dopamine/serotonin it needs to do the thing. So if a reward isn’t working, I get up and move with a timer to get it going that way, and then try again.

I’m sure there’s plenty more ideas/tips/tricks - anyone stumbling on this, please feel free to comment, reblog, and add to it, but I hope it’s a helpful start for you and anyone else out there looking for adaptions. - Mod Kat

#trauma talks #mod kat #executive function disorder

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starredforlife · 3 months

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Jeez, do really so many people say they find you intimidating? Granted, I don't know you irl, and even here through Tumblr I'm just one person who follows you and that's it, but still, to me you always seemed nice? Enthusiastic. Goofy, even. I like your style, it IS masc and #cool, but like... I don't feel like that makes you intimidating. "Nomás sos canchera", to put it in Argentine terms.

Btw I'm just sending this due to your tags on that poll 'cause Ik you have mentioned that before andbI felt like the outsider who doesn't find you mean and intimidating, don't pay that much attention to me 😅

Idk it’s like conversations I’ve had with a couple people recently and it absolutely isn’t all based on appearance BUT that’s part of it that’s been told to me. Not suggested but cited. So!!

However I would say it’s more personality. Ofc on here I’m more fun n goofy bc it’s Star’s Mind Palace. I repost pictures and draw werewolf art and I’m vain and silly in the tags. It’s relatively earnest. When I meet people I’m not like, guarded in a mean dog way, but I put up a front. Most of how I talk comes out as a mask of metered and Sharp jackassery, with a confusing blend of genuine interest in people. I’ll talk to you like I need you to prove yourself to me. But also I want to make sure you feel included. This, I’m learning, terrifies people. Mostly I learned this when I was young bc I had to prove my intelligence constantly, so I emulated that intense scrutiny in conversation, I think, and I work in a v male dominated industry that absolutely hates the gentle approach to conversation (for the record, I do not hate it and respect it immensely. It’s also just not how I naturally work unless I’m in a more vulnerable setting).

It can be summed up by the fact that I shake girl’s hands when I meet them in gay bars. Apparently. That is not. The expected thing to do.

Idk I had a whole paragraph after this but it disappeared. I was saying smthn abt how I was. Working on it. Essentially. I Don’t Care how people perceive me bc I trust my perception first. I’ve always designated it as the other person’s problem if they dislike me. I’m learning how people perceive you matters for specific things. Especially friendships. This is very hard for me to grapple with bc I don’t like when others tell me what to do or how to be, At All.

It’s all in moderation ykwim. I’m not going to give up my confidence or my standards but I will work on trying to not make people feel like they’re cornered into a social pass or fail exam when they first meet me. I am intense and I can’t stand bullshit and sometimes I’m genuinely belittling or judgmental if I’ve decided I don’t like you off the bat (if you have failed the Vic Standards, which are always under deconstruction) and the latter is, in some parts, fun if the other person is a proven asshole. But it’s not really healthy. And I can’t start conversations with earnest intentions that way. So I have to grow. I have to let it matter a little bit.

Sorry, you got like. A Vic psychology breakdown. I’m also intimidating bc I’m great at lying, I speak very professionally, and I respect myself enough to make others feel like they have to do the same. I’m not scared easily and I like making arrogant men feel one step behind me. I maxed out on whatever deck makes you both charismatic and completely unapproachable. You’ll probably never meet me irl but I do think it’s v interesting how im perceived on here and so I appreciate the insight and the question!!

#star’s asks #uhhhh yeah I am not who I am on here irl and people who know me from irl can probably attest #I’m not vastly different. despite this wall of text response I am friendly and sometimes funny and often wholly genuine #it just so happens that I’m also Like This.#I’m just sharp around the edges. I think that’s it.#o thank u for the compliment also!!

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