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itsaspectrumcomic · 1 month

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hi im really sorry to bother you, and obvs you dont need to answer this at all im just some internet guy lol but do you think i could get some advice?

so ive been diagnosed with autism for like, 5 years (was diagnosed p late, in comparison to others) and im beginning to have some real goddamn big suspicions that i Also have adhd (because. yaknow. the gift that keeps on giving yk? lol). i have a lot of really major issues with executive dysfunction that is directly impacting schoolwork and also a lot of stuff in my life, generally. ive also got a lot of memory issues nd junk

and the thing is; ive got a therapist, but due to a whole slew of things im really scared to like, bring this up with her yk? and, like, im a minor so i cant exactly just seek it out myself yk? and i cant really talk to my parents about it because my mom is a very specific kind of vaguely ableist and my dad generally just isnt involved with that whole section of my being, yk? like, he doesnt manage any of my therapy, aside from bringing me to appointments when my mother isnt available.

and like, ive brought certain things UP to my therapist before and it went mostly ok, aside from one pretty distressing misunderstanding but it feels different for this one because i really do need medication for this, i feel. and thats a whole thing with my mother specifically, since at the start of the whole diagnosis process she outright refused the idea of medication and like. idk man, im so super sorry to write a whole bullshit essay when you're literally just vibing but yk. idk who else to ask lol, and you seem like you know what youre doing i guess?

real sorry. thanks in advance. insert other applicable signoff message here

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your therapist should be someone you can talk to about things like this but I understand being anxious about it. Are you afraid to bring it up because she's said ableist/anti-adhd stuff in the past or you have reason to suspect she won't help? If that's the case I really recommend trying to get a different therapist if you can. You deserve a therapist you feel safe sharing things like this with.

If it's impacting schoolwork it might be worth talking to your teachers to see if there's any additional support you can get from them. You don't have to tell them you suspect ADHD if you don't want to, you can just tell them you've been struggling with certain aspects of school and hopefully they can help. School is hard for lots of people so know you're not alone.

It might be different where you live, but in the UK you're able to make your own doctors appointments if you're over 16 so asking a doctor about getting a referral for a diagnosis/medication could be an option as well. Although waiting lists for that are incredibly long at the moment - I've personally been waiting nearly a year just to get an appointment 🙃

In the meantime, have you heard of How to ADHD on YouTube? Her channel has lots of videos with advice and various discussions about living with ADHD which you might find helpful.

Sorry I don't know if that helped much but I hope you're able to get support soon!

#ask #anon ask #advice #adhd #neurodivergent #also thank you for thinking i know what im doing #im glad i come across that way #but i definitely dont a lot of the time lol #long post

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corysmiles · 3 years

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Ok so I was reading your little streamer au story Just a Joke and that part about the matchbox bed had me thinking, what if Tommy did a stream where he just showed off his house? Like, just walked the camera from room to room and talked about different stuff he had for fun. (Probably not his whole house, just his bedroom and maybe one other him sized room if he has it)

He would probably see nothing wrong with most of it (or even if he does, he doesn’t think it’s a big deal and ignores it, thinking everyone else will do the same) but his friends see how poorly made and “diy” everything looks (like his bed) and start thinking about how all tinys have to live like that.

I imagine Wilber especially starts to feel bad, looking around his house and seeing all the stuff he takes for granted, all things that tinys could only get a poorer version of, if they got a version at all.

Not to mention, Tommy seems to be a bit better off then a lot of tinys, so some don’t even have the stuff he does, and/or have ones of even lesser quality.

Maybe it’s just a one off little “oh...that sucks...” or maybe they try to do something about it. Idk, just think it’s a cute and sad idea. (I have more to say about this idea, but I don’t want bombard you with a super duper long ask, so just take these basics for now I guess, sorry)

-tired anon

House Tour

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Little Streamer AU

CW: language

Notes: Woah little streamer content?? In this economy??? More likely than you think. And thank you so much for this awesome idea tired anon I love it :D Without further ado have a fun tiny Tommy housetour followed by Wilbur’s confusion over tiny culture

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Tommy hadn’t been this excited for a stream in a long time, but as he set up everything he was practically bouncing on his feet.

He was going to do a house tour- or a room tour- for the chat since they’d only ever seen a bit of it in the background. It was a lot different from his normal content, but it felt refreshing doing something so new.

When he finally stepped back and looked at everything a grin spread across his face. He didn’t think his room had looked this nice since the day they built it. His red sheets were perfectly tucked into his matchbox bed, his dollhouse desk was wiped down and shiny, and even his scrap-fabric rug was dusted.

Pride swelled up in his chest at the sight.

“Mom!” he yelled as he peaked his head through the “window” in his room. It really was just a hole in the wall to the human part of the house, but it also let light in to his room. “I’m gonna be streaming soon!”

He didn’t even wait for an answer before he happily popped back into his small room. It was still a little dusty since it was inside of a wall, but there was nothing he could really do about that. The viewers would just have to deal with it, he mused.

Quickly he sent out a tweet for his stream and hit “go live” on his pc. Almost immediately people flooded the chat even though it was still just his starting soon screen, and one name in particular caught his eye.

WilburSoot: this is not exciting

Tommy grinned and stifled the laugh that threatened to burst out of his chest. Of course Wilbur was messing with him, who would he be if he wasn’t messing with the tiny. And even though it was just one message Tommy was excited to know he was there.

Wilbur had actually been the one to convince him to do a house tour. Tommy never really thought his room was much, it was decently sized but not very exciting, but still Wilbur thought it would be a fun idea for an easy stream. The tiny still has been pretty iffy about the idea but after constant nagging from his brother-figure he gave in.

“Hello chat!” Tommy yelled as he switched his screen to his camera. Dramatically he swung it around to zoom in on his face.

“How are you doing today? I’m doing so well,” he grinned, “Today’s gonna be a little different actually- spicing things up Yaknow. You get to see my big man home!”

The chat blurred in the corner of his eye as he explained what the stream would be, and chugged a cup of coke he’d poured right before he started. It was all going well, and they seemed to like it a lot more than he thought they would.

First Tommy stood up from his desk and pointed it at his setup, “See this is where the magic happens boys.”

He laughed as the chat flew by even faster with one message catching his eye.

“Hey it is not a Polly pocket desk it is a Barbie Ken desk,” he pouted, “please I’m better than that.”

Step by step he moved across his room explaining his furniture and showing off his favorite things. They got to see his cardboard bed, his “borrower hook” he’d been trying to teach himself how to use, and even his “spider hole” in the wall where bugs got into his room.

Most of the time the chat seemed to find it funny, but every once in a while people seemed concerned. He just chalked it up to humans though.

At the end of the stream he put the camera on his desk and jumped up on his bed to say goodbye. To make it even funnier he loaded the tiny nerf gun Wilbur had bought him a while back and tried to shoot the camera.

“I’m gonna shoot you if you don’t leave, go!” he yelled jokingly, “Disparse! Leave! Go home!”

Once the chat seemed to calm down a bit he said his actual goodbyes and teaches as the screen turned dark. Just like always he let out a breath of relief that the stream went well. He enjoyed streaming, but it was still stressful trying to make sure everything went right.

After a minute he fell back onto his bed and scrolled through his phone until discord dm flashed on his screen.

WilburSoot: how did you get a whole fake room for a stream??

Tommy frowned and quickly opened the app staring at the message.

Tommyinnit: what? vc?

The tiny sat back against his bed and waited for his friend to respond as anxiety curled up in his gut.

“Tommy?” Wilbur’s voice crackled.

“Hey Wil, what the fuck do you mean?”

Through his phone he could hear Wilbur shifting around as he stumbled on what to say, “That room.”

Tommy frowned and tilted his head even though he knew the human couldn’t see it, “What about it?”

“What- that can’t be your room, right?” Wilbur’s laugh boomed, “It was a good joke though.”

“Wait wait Wil,” Tommy fumbled, “What the fuck do you mean? This is my room.”

The silence that filled the call almost made Tommy wish he hadn’t said anything at all.

“Huh?”

“Uh yeah,” Tommy coughed, “That really was my room, what’s wrong?”

Wilbur’s staticky hum echoed through his phone, “Oh uh… I don’t know I thought you’d have like…actual furniture?”

“I mean, it works doesn’t it,” Tommy frowned as he leaned back against his sheets, kicking up his feet on the edge of the box, “It’s not that bad.”

“Tommy,” Wilbur paused, “you sleep in a box.”

The tiny froze and stared at the worm edges of the matchbox he slept in. He never really thought about it. It was pretty normal for tinies considering how expensive real furniture was, and he was probably better off than a lot of other tinies.

“Uh well yeah big man,” Tommy stuttered, “I’m a tiny.”

“Well no shit I know that but shouldn’t you have like an actual bed? You have a real pc!” Wilbur said, getting louder by the second.

“Well yeah,” Tommy muttered, “But spending over a thousand pounds on a bed frame just doesn’t seem worth it to me okay?”

Again silence filled the call, and it lasted so long tommy thought the human had left.

Wilbur was the one to break the silence, “One thousand pounds?”

“For a shitty one yeah,” Tommy frowned. He still remembered the day his parents had searched endlessly for any bed frames only to find that they were all thousands of pounds. They had seemed so upset about it, but Tommy never really cared.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Wilbur dropped, “I shouldn’t have said anything I didn’t know.”

“It’s alright,” Tommy smiled, I’m the corner of his eye he saw one of the hoodies he’d bought during his last visit with Wilbur, “But my spider hole is very real and very important to me.”

Wilbur’s loud laugh burst through the phone making the tiny’s heart swell. He missed the human more than he’d admit, and it was always nice hearing his friend’s voice- even if he was just joking about his spider hole.

“Yeah yeah, your spider holes fine. Very normal,” Wilbur joked before his voice steadied, “Seriously though, sorry about thinking it was a joke. I just- I don’t know. I feel like maybe I’ve taken my things for granted. I didn’t mean to seem rude though I-

“Nah stop,” Tommy smiled, “Your house is shit man, I’ve been there.”

The tiny stared at Wilbur’s profile picture as his wheezy laugh filled the room.

“Yeah yeah whatever,” and then an added, “love you Tom.”

Before Tommy could respond he heard the ding signalling Wilbur had left the call. The silence in his room now only filled by the sound of his parents shuffling around somewhere else in the house.

“Yeah,” Tommy hummed, “Love you too Wil.”

Taglist:

@encaos @blurrybunnie @brooky71 @forgetful-dorito

#little streamer au #mcyt g/t #mcyt gt #fluff #hurt/comfort #corywrites #t!tommy #g!wilbur #tired anon #anon ask

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tardytothepardy · 3 years

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Fruits Basket - Vol.15

You think you know someone, and then it turns out you really, really don't. At least, you know a very small portion of that person.

In a pretty hefty chunk of this book, we get a massive flashback into Yuki's childhood. As expected, it wasn't that great. What I didn't expect is how bad it was. It was,,, honestly a lot.

So, because he is the Rat Boy, and because I guess the rat is the closest to God in this whole situation, Yuki ended up being around Akito for most of his childhood. It wasn't ever really anything he wanted to do, it was just something he had to do. And from the short glimpse we get of Akito as a little kid, it seems like he didn't use to be anywhere near as bad as he is in the present (which makes sense). He seemed to have a short temper, but other than that, there wasn't anything unusual. Until one random day, that is. Akito kinda flipped his shit, and has been that way since. How nice.

As a result of always being close to Akito, no one else really wanted to be around Yuki. And after Akito cracked a bit, and started saying that Yuki wasn't wanted, that he was unnecessary, and that no one liked him, Yuki didn't much like being around Akito, but he didn't have any choice. Some time around then, Yuki's parents seem to have kinda sold Yuki to appease Akito, so he didn't even have his family to fall back on. Ayame, his older brother, ignored his existence as a whole. Have we even met Yuki's father in this entire series?

So when Yuki first heard of Kyo, how he was left outside, Yuki was pretty curious. He was alone, and so was this mysterious cat person. Maybe they could be friends? But, of course, the second that Kyo saw Yuki, he blamed Yuki for basically everything that went wrong in his life, just because Yuki was the rat, and he was the cat. Before this point, the whole Juunishi thing doesn't really seem to affect Yuki much, he doesn't seem to categorize people based on what animal spirit they have, but I imagine that after this incident, maybe that changed. After that initial interaction with Kyo, Yuki didn't immediately hate him, he was just sad and confused, but moving on, I bet it was excellent fuel to the fire.

(Oh hey I'll just put this here, that after Kyo yelled at him for "ruining everything" and that everyone would be happier if he just disappeared, he ran into his mom again. He was upset, and probably could've used some nice comfort. Instead of that, he got slapped in the face. So. -1 for Yuki's mom.)

Do you remember way back, probably around the first books, when Yuki brought up that time that he accidently turned into a rat while playing with some kids in elementary school? It went over that. It was already a sad scene, but now there's this additional context that when he was playing around with the other kids, that was basically one of the first times that he was truly happy. But after he changed into a rat, well obviously that had to be covered up, so all those kids that he was starting to make friends with were made to completely forget about him. He wasn't back to square one, he was at square zero, because now he had had a taste of friendship, just for it to be taken away and replaced with Akito (and probably other people) shaming him for having the audacity of being born as a Juunishi, because he totally chose to be like that, right?

Another slight detour, the hat. So the hat was originally Kyo's, but after he saw Yuki holding it, he just decided that it wasn't his anymore. And, oh my fucking god? The following panels are fucking heart wrenching, it's terrible. Did no one hear Yuki crying, or did they just ignore it? Like, I don't like kids, I can't handle them when they're screaming (why do they scream so much it's weird) or crying, but oh my god, that hurts me. That panel hurts me. He just wants a family that loves and cares for him, that doesn't avoid or ignore him. (Put a pin in this sentiment, because it pops up later.)

After a steady diet of this kinda thing, with Akito's acidic words, people's general distaste or indifference for him, he started being scared to reach out to others. (Personally, I kinda feel like screaming at these people, like wtf is wrong with all of them) It's here when he just seems to kinda shut off. All this time, he's still sickly, and feeling like your life is without worth (and having your world confirm it everyday) doesn't exactly make you fight to stay healthy, y'know?

And here's when Yuki kinda is given a purpose, because after Akito visited him when his cough was acting up, and basically asked him, "Are you going to die yet? If you're gonna do it, just do it already", he left the house, and ran out randomly out in town in the early morning, where he overheard Kyoko screaming to the police about how her adorable little daughter in her adorable little dress with her cute hair in adorable little pom-poms was missing and she was going to tear down the town to find her. He kept running down some roads, until he did actually find that adorable little daughter.

On his end, it seemed to be a series of "Well shit. What now?" after finding her, and only continued as Tohru saw him and started following after him until he led her back to her house. This whole thing, as has been explained in previous books, was basically the first time in his life where someone needed him, specifically him, to help them. And that feeling, of knowing that he was able to help someone, and that he was needed, even for a little bit, was enough to pull him through.

Then we're pulled back to present, shortly after Machi broke open the closet door with a chair where Yuki was stuck in, which was the main thing that even started this whole thing, where he's explaining kind of why he came to see and/or love Tohru in maternal way. Thing is, just like when that was revealed, I still don't blame him for it. She's very caring. I'll admit (like Kakeru, who has kinda been there sitting with Yuki this whole time, apparently in silence) that I don't wholly understand it, on a personal level, but I can see why he thinks that. It makes sense.

Now onto to wacky happenings and zany shenanigans! The school is making a play, and Kyo's one of the main characters (despite never really showing that he has literally any interest in acting or theater, but yaknow whatever) in a Cinderella play, with Cinderella herself being played as Hanajima! This has already been brought up in the last book, but I'm just reiterating for fun or something idk

Tohru's having a hard time fitting into the role of an evil stepsister, to the point that she's worried about slowing others down because she just,,, can't,,, make,, herself,,,,, be,, meannnnn omigod it's so hard ;-; Additionally, Kyo's just not showing up for rehearsals and stuff, he's not even bothering. Probably bc it's embarrassing for him. And with these two main problems (the show can't go on if Prince Charming doesn't know his lines, after all), the play is altered, ever so slightly, so that it becomes "Sorta Cinderella". What a marvelous title.

Let's go back to that pin I mentioned earlier, with Yuki wishing he could have had a family that loved and cared for him.

So, before some of this stuff with the play, Yuki brought up The Hat, of the "It was first owned by Kyo but he later abandoned it after seeing that Yuki picked it up, and later wore that hat when he led Tohru back to her mom" fame, in a very off-handed manner. I think he just said that Tohru still has the hat, in her room, that's she's kept it all this time. This throws some unpleasant memories for Kyo into the air, and leaves him rather bitter.

Leading back to the main scene at hand, Kyo kinda goes off on Yuki, saying that Yuki was lucky: he had a mom and dad, he was needed, he was involved in the family matters. He's had it easy, had the world handed to him on a silver platter, and that he'll never understand what it's like to hope for something despite knowing he'll never get it. (and both times i've read that so far, i just want to yoink kyo into the beginning of this book, like, no dude. your childhood was fucked up, but so was his.) He stops mid-rant, however, when he sees that Yuki is not fighting back, at all, and when he remembers something that (probably) Akito said, that Kyo just uses Yuki as something he can hate. Naturally, why would you ever want to feed into something that Akito would say, so he stops, but not before punching a hole in a window. Ow.

Finally, we've gotten to the play, the main event! Hiro, Kisa, Momiji, and Haru (among others) are there to witness the,, the sight? (Idk man it's 12:30am) Hiro is acting strangled, as per usual, trying to keep Kisa away from all the creeps, but also trying his small-child most to not Mess Things Up, as he has a slight history of doing throughout the series thus far.

The play in of itself is pretty funny, personally I think the narrator was doing the heavy lifting in this one. But more importantly, there's a point where "Cinderella" asks "Prince Charming" if all he ever wants out of life is to hide away from people, locked away in his own space, dying alone, (which I heavily doubt was part of the script, because,, whoa) and partway through telling her that he wouldn't affect anyone if he did do that, the "Stepsister" (Tohru) interrupts him, saying that would make her... she stops herself, but one can assume that the end of that statement would likely be that, if "Prince Charming" (psh nah this isn't about the play anymore) Kyo were to do that, she would get very upset, and generally not have a good time. And he had the audacity to be surprised about that like wtf man.

After the play, Yuki runs into a group of girls that are harrassing Machi, because she said that Yuki isn't like a prince. She didn't explain herself after saying it, and so I suppose the Yuki Fan Club (or whatever it's called idk I'd be surprised but also not if it wasn't called that) took offense to her disagreeing with her. After being pushed around (literally), Machi says that Yuki just seems too lonely of a person to be a prince, that despite being surrounded by people, he just kinda seems out of it most of the time. Now, is that true? It kinda seems so, so, props to Machi for seeing that, hopefully she's not going to be kidnapped and tortured (idk stuff happens). Hearing Machi say all that does kinda startle Yuki, but the fight itself stops after Kakeru makes a fake announcement about a photoshoot with Yuki that makes the bullies scatter away.

And that's basically the end of it. Although the flashback thing with Yuki probably didn't even take up a third of the book, it was still some pretty heavy stuff, so it's nice that it was offset slightly with the play. I don't really have much else to say about that.

#i'll probably just go straight into the tags tbh #now it's 1am which is ridiculous why do i make these so long #agh #anyway #fruits basket #furuba #tohru honda #kyo sohma #yuki sohma #akito sohma #hanajima saki #fruits basket volume 15 #fruits basket vol 15

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roughentumble · 5 years

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i watched the poughkeepsie tapes and, ignoring everything else about it, i seriously legitimately at the end of the movie went "huh, thats a cool twist. the serial killer is the one making the documentary," but i cant.... find anyone else saying as such online

like!!!!! to me, it makes so much sense. the obsession with filming, the occasionally odd interview questions("do you [admire him]?", the entire interview with Cheryl), the fact that he's already proven to be someone who taunts the police and likes to insert himself/make his presence known somehow, it feeds into how "intelligent" and "good at hiding his tracks" they said he was, it adds a beautiful layer of irony at the end when the cop is like "man when yr documentary comes out we're gonna be watching the theaters, he'll come see it, mark my words," it explains why there was so much graphic footage that would NEVER be allowed in a documentary, and it could also explain the MISSING TAPES(he kept some of them in order to have footage for the documentary)

also i figured at the end, either cheryl's death was faked and then he went and picked her up(although that seems a bit elaborate), OR she did actually kill herself, because he left AGAIN and didnt take her AGAIN and she was too devastated to handle it.

plus, if he's that vain and intent on documenting his story and his crimes WITHOUT getting caught or revealing personal information, then surely a long movie where you hear about all his crimes, step-by-step, and also all the cops are admitting that he's a genius who gave them the run-around and saying they might never find him, where we learn nothing about who he is in the slightest except that he was so good at murder, would be pretty appealing to him.

so like you can imagine my surprise when i dont see ANYONE else mentioning it lmao. so after that i gave it another thought.

admittedly, it does raise a few issues.

1) the cheryl interview. the weirdness of some of the questions couldve just been awkwardness in the face of someone so clearly and extensively traumatized. she didn't fall over herself with joy about how "you came back for me!!!" but with how hardcore he trained her, i think he could easily get her to act like she doesnt know him. in general, her acting here works for being read as both "abuse victim and no other reason" and "youre pulling a con and im in on it but i dont know the plan and im Flighty and Nervous(and also an abuse victim)."

the "i dont know what you want me to say," is completely applicable whether he's the killer or not. she's either saying "i dont have an internal barometer yet for what answer you specifically are looking for from me, so i dont know what to say," or shes saying "im frightened that if i answer that im happy to be home youll be mad at me for saying i missed it, but if i say im not happy to be home itll make your documentary unconvincing, you didnt fill me in on what you wanted from me(possibly on purpose to distress me) and im scared of the repercussions of me making the wrong choice." the stuff at the end about how she loved him makes just as much sense if its not the killer, but when i saw it i read it as a semi-coded message. "i love him(you), and i know he(you) will sweep me away from here soon, *makes heavy eye contact with the camera man*"

2) the mother didnt recognise him, and no one recognised his voice from the tapes. this ones a big sticking point, but if hes so meticulous at preparing crime scenes and has such a wide array of tools and "toys", he must have a decent amount of time and money on his hands, so he couldve possibly hired a dude off, idk, craigslist to interview the mom. as for his voice, he was only ever shouting and growling in the tapes, but the interviewer was very quiet and softspoken whenever he did speak. possibly that was enough to make him sound different? he was shown using sign language at one point, so maybe he hired an interpreter and signed questions to obscure his voice, so the voice we hear when the interviewer speaks would actually be the interpreter's voice.

3) i guess, thinking about it, documentaries usually have a whole crew, not just the guy doing the interviews but a lighting guy and a sound guy and a camera guy and an editor... but again, he doesnt lack the resources to do time-consuming and expensive tasks, so i dont have a hard time believing he'd be able to cobble together a small crew, just bare-bones enough to technically function.

actually, if he had something to mount it on, he wouldnt need anyone to hold the camera, and he could set up the lights and sound himself before he starts each take. and i cant imagine he'd let anyone construct his magnum opus except himself, so he'd do the editing. itd be work, but he could probably pull off being a 2 man crew(him+either an interpreter, or a craigslist interviewer.)

4) if he did, indeed, take the missing tapes in order to use them in the documentary, then as soon as it was played somewhere, theyd find out this was previously unseen footage and theyd know he was the killer. BUT if he gave them fake info and didnt leave any dna, they might not be able to find him. BUT ALSO itd be nearly impossible for them to not get him on surveillance footage, so he'd have his image spread around like wildfire. but then again, this issue could be solved by just saying "ok he used footage from the tapes in police custody. the other ones were special, possibly mementos or future breadcrumbs to taunt the police with."

idk. idk!!!!! i think my theory holds up. i think it makes a lot of sense, and also its literally the only reason i can think of that such graphic scenes would EVER be allowed-- or put-- in a documentary... because he doesnt care about censors or ratings(like pg-13 sort of ratings) or legality. all he cares about is showing off and preserving his legacy. he led the cops to the house because he wanted them to see the tapes, yaknow?? he wanted someone to see them.

like!!! the interview segments, while not perfect, were good enough that i felt more than a little jarred when we just straight up saw mr. serial killer decapitate someone. and not, like, a good jarring, like how horror movies are supposed to be upsetting. it just brought me out of the experience and felt so fake it was almost goofy. it was preposterous. (and also the effects were a little cheesy/plasticy in that scene, so that didnt help.)

a regular editor, putting that clip in, unblurred? who. who on gods green earth would ever do their job that poorly

a vain serial killer who wants people to see his creepy snuff films putting in that unblurred clip? extremely logical. makes sense.

#long post tag #very long post tag #sorry for how long this is yall #the poughkeepsie tapes #i just. idk for some reason i literally thought #not just that it made sense but that it was CANON #i didnt think it was subtext i thought it was text. i was so confused when wikipedia didnt mention the Big Reveal

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borrelia · 7 years

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some. personal thoughts abt autism

so. i’ve been. paying attention. to myself. and I’m thinking I might probably b on the spectrum. BUT. the thing is, I don’t know how many behaviors and stuff you gotta accumulate before you’re not just a nt person with odd habits, yaknow? plus like, a lot of my behavior over my life I’ve had justifications for bc these are Just Things I Do and I’m sure other people do too sometimes? I thought? but maybe not...

I also have my little sibo to compare to myself bc they are Very Obviously on the spectrum and my family has known this their entire life. they never got a diagnosis bc it was just. really apparent. special interest in dinosaurs, echolalia, constantly pacing, some apparent trouble with socializing, etc. so I grew up knowing full well they were autistic and kind of just assuming I wasn’t bc I’m not like that? like yeah I need to pace, but I can wait until I get home and it’s not really an issue until I’m prevented from doing it for a long time; I don’t get agitated if I can’t pace throughout the day. I talk to myself a lot but I don’t HAVE to, and it’s not echolalia.

but then there’s more like general things that I see other autistic ppl talking about that I do SOMETIMES but not a lot, so does it count? because I always assumed I just didn’t see other ppl doing these things bc I wasn’t around ppl enough to, I don’t know what’s like spectrum exclusive and what’s things nt ppl do but just rarely. like sometimes I flap my arms but only when there’s a good song or I’m excited and I tend to b p subdued about it; do nt ppl NEVER flap?? do nt ppl NEVER have raptor hands? (sometimes if I’m doing a lot of stuff, it’s just comfy to leave them like that!) I know most nt ppl don’t exp sensory overload and Break or go nonverbal, but that could be something separate, right? I know nt ppl like to touch good textures and my mom always said our family just really likes to feel things but like at what point do you define the difference between touching and Touching? do nt ppl Touch to ground themselves? when I get agitated by listening to radio or other ppl’s music too lng, even if I like that music, is that a Symptom or just me being picky? if I have trouble processing what people say when there’s a lot going on, that’s just bc I’m not paying attention, right?

and the thing is I can’t really google it?? bc all I’m finding on google is stuff like “you might be autistic if you: really like numbers! prefer libraries to parties! have no friends! are too neat!” like thanks for the helpful Sheldon diagnosis, but it’s really not helpful at all. according to somma these lists, my sibo might not even b considered on the spectrum. like all it does is add to the uncertainty! bc I don’t have special interests like other people, I don’t have trouble in most social situations besides what requires like. previous experience lol. so like step 1 would b to find resources from actual autistic ppl that have more than a passing pop culture knowledge on the condition.

but even then does it mattr??? is this important enough to bother fussing over?? like as far as needing to get accommodations it’s not but I guess I’m frustrated over it bc like. I’m 20 goddamn years old, have I just been going through my whole life completely missing the point of everything I do?? Have I made all these bogus justifications for my behaviors instead of considering there might b an underlying cause? I kind of just assumed everything I do is normal and nt but I also used to assume that having to force urself to find a guy attractive was normal and straight so!! fuck man idk

#couch rambles #if u got inputs they would b. appreciated #interactions r encouraged #autism #uuuu uu uuuu

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sekiss-blog1 · 7 years

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idk if im just paranoid but i Know my mom doesnt support me being trans and like.. im scared she thinks its a phase lol ive had a shit load of those cuz i fixate on things but this is. yaknow. not one of those ! and there’s this family friend she has at work and i wore a dress yesterday, and was pretty gender conforming just cuz... whatever.. im not saying Boys Cant wear dresses. You know what i mean. but i saw mom and family friend i hear them in my head talking abt how its definitely a phase because I Wore A Dress A Few Times including Yesterday

i just hear that all the fucking time, in my head!! my mom talking to people who ive come out to, about how “its a phase! its a phase!”

i still like to wear makeup and things occasionally and every time i do i just fuckeing hear people saying those words

it is so har d to come to terms with this stuff myself and now that i have for the mostpart i just hear other people being skeptical and unsupportive in my head and its so frequent that i dont even know sometimes if thats something someone actually said or if i just thought about them saying it on a loop for 3 fucking days in a row

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cheskalagran · 5 years

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BYE 2018

This year has got to be the year jampacked with EVERYTHING. I might have the same motivation to write now but i gotta try for my future self. (bcos yaknow everything that I dont write eventually gets forgotten and i have no way of remembering, it just turns into a blank patch in my mind lyk 2017 lol) whatever happend to 2017??? i was scrolling through this blog and i didnt find any 2017 posts lol what??? was i in a trans or??? idk i have no memory of new year 2017. well i dont want that to happen to 2018 because theres just so much that happened so here it goes.

JANUARY- I started the year in qc.

Jan 2- I saw Mamsh for the first time in uptc. We bought my very first film roll. n Agfa Vista 200 in Satchmi.

Jan 7- i put my first film roll in. took a few shots. oh and im back in marinduque

Jan14 to the end of the month- im just in duque doing normal stuff i guess idk. More MSC days. I was really stressed about being irreg. lol

FEBRUARY-

feb 2 i went to Manila for the opening of Arts Month. IT WAS SO GREAT I NEVER FELT SO ALIVE IT WAS WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED, to live each waking day to be exposed to art. agh fun tyms. i spent 5 days in Bayview and everyday i went to luneta park for workshops and other shennanigans. While this was all happening i was also shooting for our Trends and Network (?) (subject) video. Reg was my partner in this video we were supposed to put a vissual on a poem our prof gave us.

feb 3

first time to eat yellow watermelon.

went to a baybayin writing workshop and learned how to write baybayin yay

saw autotelic, better days, sud and ben and ben that night

FEB 4- still there

feb 5- attended poetry night and saw mike coroza. saw mamsh again today and we went to national museum. It was the last day of arts month.

feb 6- i went home to duque

Feb 7- i edited my footage

~idk what date but hahaha the video i edited got 75 loooool but our prof gave us another chance to edit the shit.

feb 14- mundo- iv of spades was released. idk how this is relevant to me lol but yeah it was released on this day.

feb 17- UP fair that i wasnt able to go to. Finals week is near im so stressedt

feb 20- im editing the video again. we made a storyline instead of just putting vissuals on the poem.

feb 21- the stress was getting to me. i havent been sleeping bcos of finals and editing so i cut my hair short. the shortest it has been, they said i looked like hannah baker

~idk what date but i finally passed the video and we got 85 thank god for that curve lol~

feb 24- Im back in Manila. first time to ever play with the orchestra in a place which is not marinduque. Played in Makati along with Sta Isabel peeps.

feb 26-

Went to bgc--- to the overrated Venice grand canal place to be exact.

Saw Alex Aiono live.

Bought a new Murakami book (Wind Up Bird Chronicle) that i havent still finished until now

feb 27 to march- marinduque ++ more MSC things

March 29

practiced a viola piece for auditions sa ust but hey its 2019 and i didnt end up auditioning

Moriones festival (holy week)

Watched Baconaua a film by Joseph Laban shot in Mdq. the plot was also mdq related!!! and also socially relevant at present. its kinda about drugs--- well it is about drugs.

april 7- went to ust for enrolment

apr 8- went home na ata i dont even know

apr 13 ICON MANILA DAY1

went to manila for yfc’s 25th anniv!!!!! AAAA ICON 2018~ FULL BLAST

bRO THE THEME WAS MUSICALS AND THEY PERFORMED DISNEY AND THE GREATEST SHOWMAN THEMED THINGS HUHU MY HART IS HAPI

yfc reunion yey

APR 14 DAY 2 - FIREWORKSSS AND TALKS

APR 15- DAY 3

LAST DAY

GOT AN ICON DAVAO SHIRT

NASA ICON RECAP VIDEO AKO

APR 16 ARRIVED IN MDQ FOR FINALS

APR 19- SURVIVED FIRST DEFENSE

APR 23- FINAL DEFENSE

APR 26- SHELLY’S DEBUT

APR 30- FOUND OUT I DIDNT PASS THE UPCAT YO

MAY 3-

GRAD PHOTOSHOOT

SAGALA

MAY 8- 18TH

MAY 10- SURPRISE BDAY CELEB BY THE BEACH T^T gots a new laptop yey. got another murakami book from fiel. got a cool shirt from dem. got my fav necklace (which means so much to me since it has so much connection to who i am--- its a Sta. Claire/ St. Francis pendant from Rome.) Lola passed down a family heirloom to me--- her watch. <3

MAY 11- woke up after last night’s celeb for Graduatioooon.

May 11 to 19- stayed at home and watched movies and shi

May 20-

watched Musika sa Isla’s concert. first time that i sat out since i was so busy huhu.

Went out with Reg and went kayaking

May 21 and onwards more of doing nothing and watching movies and shii

May 29- went out with sum frends i havent seen for so loooong: isa, franz, angge, ira

Jun 2- went out with the fam and tita pina to the beaaachhh

Jun 15- My first provincial Shout!!! YBB LAGUNA!!!

Jun 18- went to shannon falls!!!! hiked and swam with the fam ++ dream favor fam

Jun 19- end of Prov Shout huhu went to amoingon with the YBB laguna team. swam some more in the beach.cried A LOT. said goodbye to fwends huhu

Jun 20- left duque for good

Jun 22- went to ust to settle thingz, dorm hopping

Jun 23- went to ust again

Jun -Jul scrabble, movies, wine, milktea, mc do and a couple of city thingz. Prepared for YCOM acad. long distance organizing with yasu huhu.

Jul 25- went home to duque for YCOM Acad!!! My first and last event as a the provincial YCOM head. cant believe we actually got to put this together huhu sml

Jul 26-28- finally had face to face organizing with the pcg. practiced songs and hosting.

Jul 29- YCOM ACAD NAAA. a lot of hard work paid off in this event. a lot if crying again. said goodbye to friends again.

Jul 30- left for Manila first thing in the morning

Aug 1- First day dorm life

Aug 2- Start of freshmen week. Freshmen pol sci orientation

Aug 3- ROARientation

Aug 4- got very drunk with batch mates uuuhhh which was wrong cos its just the first day and i probably made out with someone???uhhh

Aug 6- Tomasino na ako event. Saw Ben and ben and fourplay mnl

Aug 10-

went to cinemalaya with reg,kly and paul. was supposed to watch liway but ended up watching school service. bumabagyo rn hahahaha.

first time to ride the lrt loool

Aug 11-13- spent 3 days alone in qc aHAHAHA they were in cebu

~Lol kinda dated a blockmate or whateva at this time uuhh~

Aug 17- parents visited manila, we went to intramuros

Aug 20- kuyas bday

Aug 21-saw reg and we watched another cinemalaya entry: Madilim Ang Gabi. sobrang slow paceeeedddd but ya it was about ejk. #SupportLocal

Aug 22 and onwards- A LOT OF READINGS

Aug 28- bar hopping with 7wonders

MORE STUDYING

Sep 5- saw Sud again in ust. org week ata??

MORE STUDYING

~kinda stopped dating that blockmate na~ ahahah

MORE STUDYING

Sep 21- saw shelly, aira, and fiel at Happy T. met someone but never talked again after that nyt. slept at fiel’s

MORE STUDYING

Sep 28- YFC GA

Sep 29- WENT TO SHE’S ONLY SIXTEEN’S 10TH ANNIVERSARY WITH MAMSH BROOOOOOO (XX: XX Makati)

ang bandang shirley

lions and acrobats

mellow fellow

rusty machine

oh flamingo

sandwich???

i forgot the others huhu

IT WAS WILD I LOVE SENA

OCT 4-5- PRELIMS ((no sleeping starts))

Oct 10-pre lims. got rly unexpected close friendships. slept at dean’s.

Oct 20- Island with shelly, ira, dean and sum binilde friends. met sum ppl. slept at mark’s

MORE STUDYING! ! !

~kinda started talking to someone i actually like~

OCT 29- FINALLY WENT BACK HOME TO DUQUE HUHU

OCT 29- went to the beach with reg trisha cavite peeps and kuya francis. saw kent kuya jm and jayson at kuya karl’s

OCT 31- inuman with friends i havent seen for so loooooong, drew, ira, pam, josh, angge

UNDAS- made my term paper about islam huhuhuhuhuhu d y i n g

NOV 3- went to the beach with yfc people huhuhu yasu mat ninyah and others. quest ang gracenote were there at villa aplaya also ahahaha

NOV 4- haaayyy left duque again :<

MORE TERM PAPER MAKING

NOV 14- first meeting of that ~someone~ im talking to. went to rou bourbon. agh i actually like this guy can u believe it

NOV 16- saw ~that guy~ again. went over to his place and met his dog

MORE STUDYING

Nov 23- saw ~ that guy~ again// study date

MORE STUDYIN BCOS FINALS IS NEAR IM DED

Nov 29- adventures with dean and mia at 3am. smoked a lot this month brOo i was ded more studying

Dec 2- mom visited me huhu lord tnx

Dec 3- Agape

Dec 8 onwards- FINALS WEEK a lot of smoking//very very very ded at this point

Dec 13- SURVIVED FINALS AND WENT OUT WITH 1POL3

Dec 15- i was high with kuya and claud

Dec 17- drank with kuya and claud

Dec 19- i was high

Dec 20- mom and micha and pau arrived

Dec 21- PASKUHAN with micha <3 ~the guy~ i was talking to ditched me lol. the dating thing was “paused” looooooool things started going downhill again but paskuhan was so fun!!!!! huhhuhuh definitely made me feel things. saaw ransom collective and spongecola <3 mia and chad r now together. micha slept in my dorm

Dec 23 and 24 and 25- christmas shenanigans in ateneo.

Dec 24- cinco ako sa nstp. i died seeing this

Dec 28- BANDERSNATCH!!!!!!!

Dec 29- went to bulacan for Kuya Oyo’s wedding cute couple

Dec 30-31- STAYCATION with the fam

DEC 31- went home and welcomed the new year. smy prof hasnt still replied for the cinco he gave me.

yaaaaalllllll 2018 was rough. a lot has happend. and im difinitely not the same person anymore. whats worse is that im kinda disappointed of what i turned out to be. :/ things are just sad. i havent been able to pick myself up until now. idk if im just in the right place or in the right time or with the right people but all u i know is that things could be in a much better place. i just hope that 2019 would put things in a better place. i cried a ton shit of tears this year. cut a few scars.left a lot of people. so much new things. it was my wildest year so far. Living independently alone, surviving college and the city life--- it was very different from what Im used to. but hey i survived and im proud of myself for that.2018 u were painful---so painful. U made me try so hard and fail so hard at every aspect. I tried to maintain ties with friends even though it wasnt rly my thing. It was so hard for me to maintain connection agh but at least i still tried. Acads wise, I tried so hard to study for that one major prelim exam and i failed--- for the very first time, i failed a major exam. I tried to love--- yup--- thats totally not me--- i tried to date people. but lol things rly just dont work out sometimes. it be lyk that sometimes. ako pa yung dinitch HAHAHAHAH lol

the first half of the year was so fulfilling a lot of fun times. Never have i ever felt lyk i knew myself so much. everything i did was everything i wanted to do. For the first time i felt lyk i was turning out to be who i wanted to be but surprise everything turned around at the second half of the year.

it made me feel lost it made me feel alone. its 2019 and that feeling hasnt changed. still a ton shit of anxiety. god Every holiday season i try my best to get in the holiday spirit but hah this year no matter how hard i try i wasnt just feeling it. everything feels so static i dont wanna be like this anymore. The second half of 2018 made me feel like im the wrong place am i in the wrong place i dont know.

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