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#idk how to explain myself im bad at words

buckitup · 2 months

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i keep seeing posts shit talking people for saying they "dont care about buddie or eddie's queerness" anymore by saying theyre okay if buddie isn't canon but that isnt the same as saying u dont care about buddie or eddie anymore? im sure most buddie shippers are still shipping buddie and rooting for their endgame but if you're only being happy for buck and his bisexuality because of a ship, that is so fucked up? be happy for him bc he's figuring himself out, and yes the possibility of buddie is exciting but you can't be too pissed off if it doesnt pan out? be happy for him for being happy??? he doesnt NEED to be with eddie in a romantic setting?? and being excited about buck and tommy kissing isnt disregarding eddie?????? sure maybe some people probably did and r on the buck and tommy endgame train but buck's bisexuality doesn't need to revolve around buddie or ANY relationship for that matter, let it revolve around evan and his self discovery. let him be free and happy ffs???

#this is so messy and incoherent sorry #but some of yall r being crazy #being happy about buck kissing tommy ≠ forgetting buddie #idk how to explain myself im bad at words #911 #9-1-1 #911 abc #911 spoilers #evan buckley #tommy kinard #eddie diaz #buddie #i will guard buck with MY LIFE #leave my boy alone

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thedarknessthatloveindespite · 4 months

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today was such a good morning u know. i had slept. GOOD NIGHT SLEEP N ALL. i even got up and got breakfast for me n my mom. I ATE. I CLEANED THE DISHES I USED. i even changed out of the shirt i was wearing for over a week! very productive. wait omg i forgot to mention. I ACTUALLY REALLY HAD PUT MOMS CLOTHS THAT WERE DONE IN THE WASHING MACHINE IN THE DRYER. I have to say. forgetting everything else, this is such a phenomenal act for me. it’s like fcking idk a meodorite fallen down. ITS A REALLY BIG THING. doing that is soooo hard for me. and i always have an immediate ‘no’ body reaction to the whole act but i didnt just fall into it. i like. toook a moment, you know and actually accessed it. and ! literally tho if mom told me i had to put some clothes in the dryer that would have been too much for me

BUT

anyways. i literally fcking did it. fcking hells

ANYWAYS it really was such a good morning day you know. baby steps!!!! and yeah u know i really do know that i dont do enough as i should etc. i really do know. its just really frustating how my mom doesnt see anything of this tho. yeah she needed someone to go n get the glasses and im really sorry for her but going outside was literally too much of a hurdle for me to just do. especially on short notice. like. really. my mind cant even think of trying it. visualling it

#mostly really im sad its so tiring n exhausting every time my mom lectures me on how much im not doing as if i dont know that i really do #i cant even say anything to her or try to explain what it’s like #because she really believes i just need to have the mentality. i just need to try #she never fails in these never ending lectures to word out EVERYTHNG like literally. its so fcking exhausting #and she wonders why i get sooo silent why im sooo uncooperative and translates that into im a lazy ass n dont care #n u know what. frankly dont care that she does #honestly every time i hear these lectures it makes me NOT want to try at all. even harder. goddamn it #its kinda crazy with me and my mom because we are SO diff and she doesnt understand me one bit at all #like she despite chronic pain etc does so much #while she sees me barely doing shit and of course thinks im lazy/dont care #and most baffling thing: IM making myself depressed??? this thing that she says really infuriates me so bad #like why the fck r u on about. what the fck do u mean making self depressed. im so mad because shes wrong on so many levels #idk if im depressed. mild? yes i think so anyways what the fck #the fact she believes that people MAKE THEMSLEVES DEPRESSED AS IF THEY WANT TO is so ma #like shut up im not eating for an entire day because i want to do that its cuz i cant eat foods my brain decides it doesnt want to #and i cant cook for shit cooking requires so much time to procress it first and the actual cooking requires so much energy and there are #steps i dont even know.#like fck u #anyways. yeah. really i get where shes coming from but every fcking time she starts on those lectures i really really dont want to do a fck #ng thing NOT AT ALL #like honestly. a part of me dies every time i hear a lecture and have to sufffer thro it cuz i fcking cant get her to shut up and yeah i ge #her frustating very valid #but fcking hells. im so tired n done at this point #like might as well be a fcking lazy shitass as she says

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going-to-ikea-for-the-fries · 3 months

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It's a Match! || 141 x Reader

[ Chapter 10 ] || [ Chapter 12 ]

Pairing: 141 x gn!Reader Words: 1.1K~ Summary: While overcoming recent heartbreak, you decide to join Tinder in search of a rebound. Your friends advise to just Swipe Right indiscriminately... What happens when 4 soldiers from the same squad match with you? a/n: i'm in love with gaz

Chapter 11: Excuse me?

A DM suddenly shoots up to the top of the pile in Kyle’s Tinder DM list and his eyebrows raise when he sees your name.

It’s been a month and a half, maybe longer, since you two last matched and after the brief rejection and you having gotten with Price, his life moved on and he kind of forgot you existed.

But your sudden message whose preview starts with “hey sorry to be botheri-” intrigues him so he presses it.

you: hey sorry to be bothering u but i figured it was safe to dm u about this because between u and johnny u seemed to be the most mature one! is simon okay? he stopped replying to me like a week ago and im concerned

Kyle’s eyebrows shot up on his forehead upon reading the question.

Kyle: he’s been texting u? 🤨 you: HI! yeah he has Kyle: excuse me? 🤨🤨 Kyle: like texting texting u. Kyle: as in you text him and he answers and u 2 chat? 😐 you: yes? 🙃 Kyle: tf kind of witchcraft did u pull on him? 🤨 Kyle: he doesnt text. Kyle: not one of us can get more than a thumbs up reaction to our texts in the groupchat. 😑 you: he texts me! Kyle: 😫?? Kyle: jesus christ. you: you didnt answer is he okay?? 😭😭

Kyle thought back on a reason why Ghost would suddenly, well, ghost you. But he can’t think of any… Ghost is a notoriously bad texter, it doesn’t surprise him that he went MIA…

And then it hits him.

It’s 8 A.M. in the rec room of their floor and Ghost was making tea just as Johnny was taking a seat in the couch.

Kyle oofed as Johnny hit him, throwing his legs over Kyle’s lap. “Watch it mate, fuck you’re bloody heavy!” He complained.

“AH, FUCKIN’ HELL!” Ghost cursed as he threw his hands up in the air the sound of water dripping on the floor catching his attention.

Kyle looked over to see Ghost had spilled his boiling hot water everywhere on the counter.

“You alright L.T.?” Soap asked a she lifted his head over the back of the couch to peer at Simon just like Gaz was.

“Great.” Ghost grunted as he picked up his phone from the counter, which was also dripping in water, while his other hand threw a rag onto the mess of water dripping down from the counter.

“Oh fuck… ‘s your phone dead?” Soap asked and Ghost grumbled under his breath, not quite answering the question, as he busied himself soaking up the spilled water.

Just then, Price showed up at the rec room door. “Simon, gear up. Got a briefing for a solo mission in 10.”

“Fuckin’ hell, yeah, yeah, I got it.” Ghost grunted as he cleaned the mess and then rushed out the door, leaving his mug of tea in the counter and clutching his now broken phone in his hands.

Kyle: hes fine. Kyle: he spilled water on his phone and killed it I think. Kyle: and he got sent out before he could get it fixed. 🙃 you: oh okay good! you: thanks! you: sorry to have bothered you! 🙏 Kyle: now wait just a minute. 😤 Kyle: u need to explain how in the hell u and ghost talk.👀 you: ghost? Kyle: that’s his work name. 🤷‍♂️ you: fitting seeing as i thought he ghosted me Kyle: THAT’S THE JOKE I MADE JUST NOW TO MYSELF! 😭 you: were in sync it seems 😭 Kyle: answer the question tho. you: idk what u want me to answer with Kyle: wdym u dont know??? explain yourself. Kyle: how do you get ghost to text u???? you: idk? im funny ig Kyle: 😑 you: im sorry if thats not what u want to hear Kyle: wait Kyle: a couple weeks ago he was out all night Kyle: during morning training soap was talking about how he had a date Kyle: was he with u? 👀👀 you: soap? Kyle: johnny. Kyle: keep up cmon now. you: jeez don’t patronize me you: yes simon was with me Kyle: 👀👀👀 Kyle: i see. Kyle: tell me more. you: theres nothing to tell Kyle: thats a lie and u know it. you: its not!!! Kyle: cmon. Kyle: u cant just meet with a bloke with a skull mask on and then say u dont have anything to tell. 😑😑 you: a skull mask?? Kyle: did he not wear a mask when he was with u? 🤨🤨 you: yes? you: a black one Kyle: with a skull print on it yeah? you: no??? 🙃 you: just black! Kyle: jesus christ. Kyle: and what? what happened? you: nothing?! Kyle: walk me thru it. you: we went out for a drink then came back to mine and watched a movie! Kyle: 🤨🤨 Kyle: and had a shag? you: NO???? Kyle: wdym no? thats what would normally happen with a bloke. you: and???? you: this is simon were talking about kyle you: nothing about him screams normal exactly 🙃 you: hes joked about being able to kill me with his bar ehands you: bare hands* Kyle: fair. Kyle: this raises more questions for me. you: what Kyle: like u would meet with a masked bloke that can kill u with his bare hands alone without protection? 🤨 you: i had protection Kyle: not a condom. you: oh 😅 you: well we met at a pub soooo Kyle: what did u 2 do then Kyle: other than watch a ‘movie’ 🙄 you: played mario kart you: slept Kyle: as in Kyle: you SLEPT? like honk shoo honk mimimimi? you: yes🙄🙄 Kyle: im confused. you: ur confused? im fucking confused bro Kyle: wdym u SLEPT TOGETHER? 🙃 Kyle: WHAT KIND OF WITCHCRAFT IS THIS? Kyle: wtf have u done to him Kyle: like ghost doesnt text, he sure as shit doesnt visit people, and he doesnt go on dates, he doesnt sleep next to people, im almost sure the man doesnt have feelings or emotions and only speaks in sarcasm Kyle: how can u get that out of him?? 🤨🤨 Kyle: no one else can! you: well with that mentality you cant you: idk what to tell u you: we hit it off 🙄 Kyle: explain yourself. you: ive been explaining it!!!!! Kyle: no explain it better. Kyle: I think Im having a stroke. you: idk how to make it clearer??? Kyle: thats it. Kyle: are you free rn?? Kyle: I need u to explain urself. 😑 you: Im at work? Kyle: whens ur lunch break? 👀 you: in 35 minutes. Kyle: do u like ramen? you: yes? Kyle: whats the closest japanese to ur job? you: Akira Kyle: meet me at Akira for lunch. Kyle: I’m buying. you: who said i want to meet up with u?? 🤨🤨 Kyle: man just get down there. Kyle: im offering to pay. you: fineeeee 🙄

Kyle quickly hopped up from his seat at his desk with a start and rushed back to his room to change out of his fatigues.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

taglist (CLOSED! not adding anyone else, sorry!): @daisychainsinknots , @bunnysdaydreams , @iite-cool , @lahniu , @pagesfalling , @tapioca-milktea1978 , @live-love-be-unique , @thelaisydazy , @littleghosthunter , @bossva , @emotion-no-hot-yes-hotel-trivago , @chamomiletealeaf , @ghosts-hoe , @kariiiel , @ltbarnes , @irregulardongyoung , @spacelia , @hayleybarnesx , @infpt-zylith , @xxshadowbabexx , @frescoisnotinthemilitary , @leeeenistop , @lucienbarkbark , @zombie-freak , @wittleespur

@severenswife , @enarien, @agoodmoviekiss , @l0lziez , @whos-fran , @greatstormcat , @openup-yourmind , @neoarchipelago , @sodavrr , @cutiecusp , @lilliumrorum , @c-nstantine , @kneelforloki , @comeonatmebruh , @codsunshine , @waiting-so-long , @captainquake42 , @gazspookiebear , @mynameismisty , @reap3erslov3 , @reaper-chan666 , @poohkie90 , @kitwithnokat , @stick-the-dumbass , @mothsdrabbles , @justanerd1 , @thesinsoflust , @thriving-n-jiving , @blckbrrybasket

#ikea writes 💚#it's a match! fic #cod modern warfare #cod fanfic #captain john price #john soap mactavish #kyle gaz garrick #simon ghost riley #text story #cod x reader #call of duty x reader #kyle gaz garrick x reader #gaz x reader

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ginkgo-phyta · 3 months

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I dunnu if I'm asking right but Spencer with injured knee who feels bad that his gf is taking care of him so much but he's horny and he's also kinda feeling shy asking her to take care of his lil problem but she ofc delivers.

On a side note: cane spencer drives me insane ok thank you <3

yes yes, you asked right!! what a wonderful first request THANK YOU I LOVE YOU hopefully this inspires more people to request pls pls PLS im actually begging atp. anyway, im so loving this request and tell me why i was thirsting over spence w/ a cane literally last night we’re on the same wavelength rn anon ilysm. i hope this piece satisfies you! i actually strayed a lil bit from the prompt, in this spencer doesnt outright ask. i hope that okay eeee but if you want me to do another where he DOES actually verbally ask, i would love to do that, too. fair warning idk if this is still a "drabble" LMAO its 2.6k words i couldnt stop myself, but here you go, my love :] i hope you enjoy

SMUT, afab!reader, description of female anatomy, oral (male receiving)

It’s some odd hour of the night, the sounds of a black-and-white film Spencer’s not quite paying attention to playing on your laptop intermittently gets interrupted by the hoot of an owl perched on a tree somewhere in the distance. You pay it no mind, engrossed by the inviting images flashing before you as you absent-midedly trace figurines onto Spencer’s clothed leg. The two of you were nestled on the couch in his living room, your head resting in his lap after triple-checking you would be far enough from his injury and that he was comfortable. Although he tried his best to repeatedly reassure you, his current shifting began raising your doubts again. Your fingers abandoned their dancing right above his knee as you pushed your body up, leaning your weight on your hands placed firmly on the cushion to crane your head and look at your boyfriend

“Spencer, honey, what’s wrong?” Your voice was warm and full of worry, the timbre washing a feeling of love and desire over the doctor's body, sending a shiver down his spine.

“N-Nothing’s wrong,” he started with a stutter, clearing his throat before continuing, “why’d you move?” you were vaguely aware of his eyes darting down before meeting yours again, but you waved it off, figuring he was just caught off guard. In actuality, Spencer was trying his best not to stare at your mouth-watering cleavage pouring over the neckline of your lounging shirt, deliciously pushed up by the position of your arms.

“I moved because you keep moving, silly. Is your knee hurting again?” Your hand reached out to resume their traces, this time ghosting the top of the ailed joint, your gaze moving along with it. “Maybe it’s time to put some heat on it, hmm?” you mumbled to yourself and before Spencer could even object, you were moving off the sofa and toward the kitchen.

As soon as you were out of the vicinity, Spencer’s head fell back against the couch with a soft thud, a groan of frustration rolling out of his throat. You had been taking such good care of him since his knee got shot last week, refusing to let him do anything by himself. He tried to stop you at first, but you explained to him how rewarding it was to you.

“I enjoy taking care of the people I love, Spencer,” you said with a serious look in your eyes, his face cupped gently between your palms, “I enjoy taking care of you. Please let me?” your words became quieter as your face inched closer to his. Spencer sighed at the feeling of your hands starting to card through his hair

“Okay, if you insist.” he sighed against your lips, finally giving in. The giggle his response drew from you drowned Spencer’s heart in ecstasy, and he decided he would simply return the favor some way, some time in the future.

That’s not what was frustrating him, though. It was how incredibly turned on he had been feeling the last couple days. The guilt of you having to take care of him, even if it’s something you wanted to do, prevented Spencer from touching you and he hated that. When it came to you, his lovely, kind, caring, thoughtful partner, all he wanted was to put his hands on you- sexually or not. Peppering your jaw with kisses, nuzzling his head into your neck, caressing your back as you rested on him, pressing his nose into your clit as his tongue delved into your folds; he lived for all of it. Even as you laid your head in his lap, he held back from massaging his fingertips against your scalp out of guilt and fear. He didn’t want you to feel like he was taking advantage of you, or pressure you into servicing him, if you will; even though he wanted it so bad and you were so close to his crotch it was making him crazy. Like a madman, he craved to touch you, to feel you. Your bare body pressed against his, nails scratching down his shoulders, your lips sucking his balls into your hot mouth, wet cunt spasming around his twitching cock. He knew none of that would happen, you reminded him as much after a check-up at the doctor’s office

“The doctor said no physical activity, remember? I can’t have you moving around, honey.” you said to him with a pointed look after the two of you had returned home where one kiss led to two, becoming deeper and more passionate. You pulled away before it could go any further and dutifully reminded him.

Since then, you mellowed down. Of course you gave Spencer massages wherever you felt he could use one, but you kept your kisses to pecks and made sure to stay on your side of the bed at night. Safe to say, Spencer was feening.

He shut his eyes tight and ran his hands through his hair, trying to compose himself before you came back into the living room. “Come on, get a hold of yourself.” he grumbled quietly, slapping his fingers against his cheeks in an attempt to drill it into his head. The sound of your light padding drew him back to the moment and you emerged into his eyesight with a tray.

“What’s all this?” Spencer let out a breathy chuckle, shifting to sit forward a bit more, as much as he could with his injured leg propped up on the table (on top of two pillows, as per your directions).

“Well,” you started after setting the tray down next to the laptop, standing straight to admire your handiwork and huff stray strands of hair out of your face, “I was in the kitchen getting the hot pack ready, so I put some snacks together. And then I thought maybe you could use some tea! It’s just an herbal tea I put together earlier- it’s mainly willow bark, but I also used some ginger and cinnamon. It’ll help with the taste while helping you heal, too!” you clapped your hands together in excitement, holding them against your chest like a giddy toddler. Spencer couldn’t help but laugh lightly, pride swelling in his heart, joy stretching a smile from ear to ear.

“I love you.” Was all he could say as he stared up at you.

You laughed at his dumbfounded reaction, lightly pushing his shoulder. “And I love you, too.” you smiled back at him before leaning over to hand the cup of tea to him, “I want you to get better fast.” you said matter-of-factly, this time duly noticing Spencer’s eyes fixated on your breasts. As you bounded over to the other side of the couch, you bit your lip as dirty thoughts of Spencer flooded your mind. Even though you’ve been doing your best in controlling yourself, you still missed him. A pout couldn't help but mold your lips every time you gave him a short and simple peck or you restrained your hands from traveling over sensitive parts of his body when massaging his shoulders.

You leaned back, body facing Spencer as you watched him sip on his tea. “How’s it taste, hon?” your voice had an unplaceable hint, causing Spencer to look over at you.

If he had taken a larger sip, the tea would have surely been spat out of his mouth as Spencer’s eyes met your figure. You were draped over the arm of the couch like a centerpiece, head tilted curiously to the side as your fingers played with the buttons of your thin satin shirt, a couple more popped open than before. He could see the edging of lace peeking out, beckoning to him, the shape of your pearled nipples begging to be free from their restraints. Spencer’s dick twitched in his pants.

“U-um,” he stuttered, shakingly putting the cup back on the table and averting his gaze from you. Spencer wiped his hands on his thighs, “G-good. It-” an audible gulp pierces his sentence, “Yeah, it’s nice.” He tries to lean back and focus on the movie still playing in front of him, but your movement from the corner of his eye has a grip on his attention.

You basically crawl over to him, the leather couch creaking as you settle as close to his body as you can. Side pushed against the back cushion, your legs tucked under you, knees pressing against Spencer’s thigh. He begins to squirm, trying to ignore the tent growing in his pants- but you don’t.

“Oh, baby,” you rasped seductively, one hand reaching out to press against his thigh, the other tucking his long hair behind his ear, “do you need me to take care of you?”

Spencer let out a shaky breath, the feeling of your hand so close to his crotch immediately caused his eyelids to drop close. The beginnings of a whimper bubbled up in the back of his throat, but he contained it. He didn’t trust himself to speak, residing to vigorously shaking his head.

“No?” you demurred with a quirk of a brow, fingers waltzing over to graze his hardening cock, “It doesn’t seem like that’s true.” you lean closer to him, breasts pressing against his arm as you whisper against the shell of his ear. “It’s okay, baby, you can tell me.”

Against his wishes, the whimper broke free from Spencer’s throat, sauntering like music into your ears. You hummed in delight at the reaction you’re eliciting from Spencer as his head rolled to bump into yours; his hands shoved under his hands, veins in his arms bulging as he tried his hardest to hold himself back. His bottom lip is trapped in between his teeth, chest rising and falling at a quickened pace to keep up with his ragged breathing as your fingers fully grip him, palm slowly grinding into his base.

“No!” he blurted out, “It’s okay, you don’t have to. You- oh! You already do s-so much for me. Besides, we can’t, you said…you said so yourself- mm-mhm!” a piteous moan cuts his sentence off and you can’t help but revel in it.

You think back to the conversation he references, shaking your head when you find a loophole, “I said you couldn’t move…That doesn’t mean I can’t still take care of you.” with a smirk you shift slightly, moving your hands to push at the waistband of Spencer’s plaid pajama pants. Before you could get it down even an inch, Spencer’s hands fly up to grab your wrists.

The way he crooned out your name had your eyes whipping to meet his, confusion welding your features, “You r-really don’t have to,” Spencer swallowed hard once again, but his voice was steadier than before, more firm, “I feel so bad, you’ve done so much for me. I…” a second passes as he tries to find the right words, “I feel so guilty for making you do this. I shouldn’t even be so turned on it’s wrong-”

You cut him off before he can go on, your hands moving to gently grasp both of his as you attempt to reassure him, “Spencer, you’re not ‘making’ me do anything. It’s not wrong at all. I want to- I want you. I miss making you feel good, baby. It’s okay to be turned on, won’t you let me help you?” One of your hands caresses his cheek, thumb shifting to trace under his bottom lip. “I’ll be careful, I know exactly how to make you feel good without you having to move a muscle.” Your once reassuring voice is back to dripping with desire as you whisper against the corner of his mouth, reeling Spencer in with ease.

He moans at your words, nuzzling into your palm and he digests your words. After a couple seconds go by, eyes flitting between each of yours to confirm your feelings, he caves in, “Please…”

His breathy plea spurs you onward and you make quick work of pulling down his pants just enough to let his cock spring free. The sight of his unbelievably hard, thick length hitting his abdomen was drool-worthy. Spencer sighed at the feeling of the cool air slicing the leaky head of his dick. He rested his head back against the sofa, watching you through heavy lids. You adjusted your position to get more comfortable before leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to his tip, looking up at Spencer to watch his face. “Remember,” you started with a wicked smile, a single finger drawing up the underside of his length, “don’t move, honey.” And with that you descended onto his cock.

Ideally, you would have taken your time, but you were a starved woman. As soon as the head of Spencer’s cock passed your lips, you were moaning. You couldn’t even look up at him as you usually loved to do, losing yourself in the feeling of his fat cock stretching your lips. You sucked him in, first working the top half to warm yourself up, swirling your tongue around the tip, pressing into his sensitive spot, before swallowing down the rest. Obscene sounds filled the fervent air of the apartment, the salacious music emanating from Spencer’s throat proved to be the icing on the cake.

His hands were balled up, one desperately trying to hold onto the leather of the couch while the other fisted the fabric of your shirt, knuckles pressed against your back. Spencer felt like he was ascending to heaven, each suck of your lips, lap of your tongue, moan around his cock, had whimpers and unintelligent pleas mumbling from his mouth. “Yes, yes, yes!” was the only coherent sentence he could form. He didn’t hold back, either, paying no mind to whether or not his neighbors would be awoken.

His head thrashed against the back couch cushion as the desire to buck up his hips heightened. Your palms pressing into the top of his thighs, nails digging into his skin, prevented him. Still, you deftly bobbed up and down his long cock.

“A-ah, please! More, more, pleasee!” he whined out, his entire body shuddering from the pleasure. You moaned in response, not waiting any longer to burrow down on him, his length reaching even further down the back of your throat until your nose hit the dense plat of curly hair covering his base. “Oh my fucking God” Spencer groaned, his hands flying to rest on your head, fingers tangling into your hair, but not pushing you down. You stayed there for a few seconds, nails grounded further into the flesh of his thighs, allowing Spencer to feel the way your throat contracted around his cock. “Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck!” he breathed out, pushing your hair out of your face to look down at you properly. The view of you completely consuming him, eyes rolled back into your head, tears pricking the corners, brows furrowed in concentration as you fought your gag reflex and moaned around him almost had Spencer cumming down your throat right then and there. He would’ve, too, if you hadn’t released him from your mouth with a squelch, moving up closer to his line of sight, panting to catch your breath.

Spencer tried to thrust his hips up, but you held your weight down on him. “Oh, baby,” he whined out, cupping your face with both his big hands. You stared at him with a fucked out smile, chin covered in a mixture of your drool and his precum which you then wiped at with the back of your hand. “Please,” he whined, his splayed fingers pressing into the side of your hairline and your neck, “I’m so close. Wanna cum so bad…” he pulled your face to his and dove into to engulf your lips with his. He moaned into the deep kiss, tasting himself on you. Much to his dismay, you pulled away just a couple seconds later, leaving your lips against his to whisper:

“You wanna come in my mouth or in my pussy, baby?”

A/N: and, scene!! thank you again, anon, for being my first request, this was so fun and i actually finished this in one sitting just for you! anyone want a pt.2 where reader rides spencer??? wink wink :D also why do i have this scenario in my head when reader is absent-mindedly like...stroking spencer's cane LOL but it just turns him tf on cuz hes like omg i need you to do that to my dick pls HAHAHA

#spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid

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lyranova · 10 months

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Hii! I love your fics!! May I please request a oneshot where yami's squad member (y/n) turns into a baby / child (whichever is better), and brings her to the captains ' meeting as he has no other choice? (y/n) calls everyone dad / mom and it makes them all super soft for her? like yami is first annoyed then softens up, nozel is straight up rude as usual but everyone glares at him for that (cause they're so protective of her already uwu) and he ends up being soft for her too. idk, this was a 2 am thought im sorry!! thank you for taking requests 😭💞

Hiya anon! No worries 2am thoughts are always fine and fun, tbh I tend to get them a lot myself 😆! Aw thank you so much I’m so glad you like my fics, and you’re welcome, I enjoy taking requests! It gives me something fun and different to do 🥰! Of course you may and I hope you all enjoy~!

Word Count: 1,325

Warnings: None

———

Yami didn’t know how this happened, she was fine when she left on a mission with Asta and Noelle, but when they all came back she was a baby! When he asked them what the hell happened Asta and Noelle explained that it was the bad guys magic; he could make people really old, or really young!

Yami had ordered them to take her back to the mage and force him to change her back but Noelle explained that they tried, but the mage said his spell would only wear off in 24 hours. So for now…they were stuck with her being a toddler!

She was still able to walk at least, talking on the other hand…well she was only able to say a handful of words, mainly ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’. Which kind of bothered Yami since he didn’t want to be called ‘daddy’ by a member of his squad, but she wasn't really eager to learn ‘Yami’ at the moment he would have to deal with it for now.

Yami fully intended to leave her at the squad as he went to a Captain’s meeting, but when Yami began to ask who wanted to be in charge of their toddler squadmate every single Black Bull scattered like leaves in a gust of wind.

Which was how he ended up in his current situation; in the Captain’s meeting room, with his toddler squadmate sitting in his lap, as the other Captain’s ‘oohed’ and ‘awwed’ over her.

“ Aw look how adorable she is! I didn’t know you had a baby Yami!” Dorothy said as she began to use her Glamour World magic to create small toys to keep her entertained. Charlotte crossed her arms as she looked at the child.

‘Yami had a child?! Why didn’t he say anything? Does that mean he’s married or has a committed partner? Or is the child a product of a one night stand? Yami doesn’t seem to be the type to do that though, so he must have someone! Why didn’t he say anything, I’m so jealous of her, why didn’t I confess to him sooner?!’ Charlotte’s mind raced as she stared at the little girl, she didn’t look like Yami, but that could easily be explained away. The girl looked at Charlotte with wide eyes before she smiled brightly and reached her arms out towards the Briar mage.

“ Mommy?” She asked cutely before her smile widened. “ Mommy!”

Charlotte and Dorothy’s hearts quickly melted and they both couldn’t help but say ‘How Cute~!’. Yami sighed and shook his head.

“ The Prickly Princess ain’t your mom, and I’m not her dad. She’s a member of my squad who got turned into a toddler on a mission earlier. The other brats took off running when I asked them to baby sit her.” Yami explained as he held the small girl still. She looked up at him with a pout but did stop moving.

“ I see, so how long will she be like this?” Fuegoleon asked as he placed a thoughtful hand under his chin, the girl looked at him for a moment before her bright smile returned.

“ Daddy!” She shouted brightly and with a giggle, Fuegoleon’s brows raised in surprise and a small smile appeared on his face.

“ I’m sorry to say that I’m not your father little one.” Fuegoloen told her gently as he patted her on the head, the little girl pouted.

“ She seems to only be able to say ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’, which makes sense since she’s only like 1 or 2.” Yami said in an unsure tone, Rill tilted his head.

“ I think she’s closer to a year and a half! Babies are generally able to walk by the time they’re one, and can talk in short sentences by the age of two, so logically she should be somewhere in between since she can walk but not really talk!” Rill said thoughtfully as he stared at the young girl.

“ How the hell do you know that kid?” Jack asked with a frown and Rill suddenly laughed sheepishly.

“ Me and my squad sometimes volunteer at the orphanages in the city and the sisters explained it to me when I tried to have a group of kids tell me about their paintings.” Rill explained and the others nodded.

The little girls eyes moved to Nozel, who was sitting in his seat with his eyes closed and arms crossed, ignoring her effectively.

“ Daddy…?” She asked hesitantly and Nozel’s eyes shot open and he glared coldly at her.

“ I’m not your father, and I wish you would refrain from calling me that.” He told the girl, his tone as cold as ice, the little girl jumped for a moment before her eyes welled up with tears.

The girl began to cry and wail at the top of her lungs, everyone glared openly at Nozel.

“ What the hell did you do that for braid boy?!” Yami asked as he and the others tried to console the toddler and Nozel’s eyes widened a bit.

“ Geez Nozel she’s just a baby, can’t you be just a little nicer with her?” Dorothy asked as she put her hands on her hips and had a angry look on her face. Nozel’s cheeks turned a shade of pink and he looked away.

“ Don’t listen to him brat,” Yami said to the toddler as he gently patted her head. “ You can call of us ‘mom’ and ‘dad’ as much as you like. And ignore him.” Yami instructed them as his hand moved away from her head and began to wipe away her tears.

“ Yeah! Nozel’s just jealous because he doesn’t have a cool baby of his own!” Rill said as he crossed his arms, and Jack looked over at the Silver Eagles Captain.

“ Even I’m not that big of a jerk to kids bird boy.” He muttered with a shake of his head, Nozel sighed loudly before turning to look at them all.

“ I’m not jealous and I’m not angry at the child!” Nozel shouted accidentally, causing everyones eyes to widen. “ It’s just…” He glanced over at Dorothy, and she suddenly realized why he was acting the way he was.

Seeing that little girl was bringing up a lot of painful memories for him, so all he knew to do was lash out in order to hide his true emotions.

“ It’s just that a Captain’s meeting is no place for a child as young as her. Here, we talk about and see so many terrible things that it could easily traumatize someone as young as her for life. Don’t you think it would be better for her to remain innocent to the horrors of the world just a little longer?” Nozel asked with a sigh.

“ Uh, she’s already seen the horrors of the world remember? She’s actually a Magic Knight?” Yami pointed out in confusion, causing Nozel’s face to turn a brighter red.

“ Nozel does have a point. A Captain’s meeting is no place for a young child,” Fuegoloen agreed before he reached out to take her from Yami. “ So I suggest that she stay with Marx for the time being, and once the meetings over Yami can take her back. Alright?” He watched as all the others nodded and he carefully carried the child through the doors and to Marx.

The meeting ended fairly quickly and now Yami was heading back to the Black Bulls Hideout. After being full of energy all day she had finally wore herself out and was sound asleep in Yami’s arms. He chuckled a bit as he looked down at her, as much as he didn’t want to babysit her at first, he had to admit it was a nice change of pace and he was actually going to miss her being this small.

At least until she woke up and began to torment everyone again, then he wouldn’t be able to wait until she transformed back into her normal self again.

———

Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you all have a good day~!

#asks #anon🌟#black clover #black clover fanfic #black clover fanfiction #black clover oneshot #black clover x reader #black clover x y/n #black clover x you #sukehiro yami #yami sukehiro #nozel silva #dorothy unsworth #charlotte roselei #rill boismortier #jack the ripper #fuegoleon vermillion

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kana-de · 10 months

Note

Hiiiii!!! May I ask for a wanderer x gn reader wherein they are rivals suddenly turning into roommates?

This can be hc and/or a fanfic, whatever is comfortable for you.

★ summary: wanderer x gn!haravatat scholar!reader. nahida assigning you to work on a project, translating an ancient plate with old runes in inazuman language, and she happens to have a certain someone by her side who may be willing to help. (im so bad at summaries im sorry)

☆ cw: sfw. fluff. rivals (enemies) to friends (??? idk there's no romance pointed out (but you can say enemies to lovers if you see it in here)). and they were roommates. kinda. wanderer stealing your tea at night. open ending (cliffhanger?). 1000 words.

☾ a/n: the "wanderer stealing your tea at night" part in the fic was so random i genuinely see myself as a genius for hc'ing him that way ohmygod. thank you anon, i really enjoyed writing this one.₍⁠₍⁠ ⁠◝⁠(⁠　ﾟ⁠∀⁠ ﾟ⁠ ⁠)⁠◟⁠ ⁠⁾⁠⁾

"what?!" your voice echoed through the space of the sanctuary of surasthana as you stared at the small figure of the dendro archon in front of you with wide-open eyes.

this can't be happening.

"why am i being paired up with him? he's not even a scholar!" you protested.

but that's not even the worst.

"and the worst! why is he going to live with me in the time of our project?" you threw up your hands, pitying yourself and mentally preparing for what will happen.

"nahida, my dearest, spare my life, would you?" you begged the small archon, trying to convince the goddess to have mercy on the poor you.

nahida knew that you both couldn't stand each other - your constant rambling about how tha "hat guy" often can't keep his mouth shut, continuously speaking out loud his thoughts about you- no, not thoughs, they were insults of his own kind, and you often found yourself mumbling about how irritating he is in the empty rooms of the house of daena; she also listened to how wanderer complained about you - you, who dared to snatch his hat away while he accidentally fell asleep on one of many lectures in the akademiya. yet not only you took it away, you also had the courage to place it on your disgusting head, and walk with it on around for the time he was asleep!

"the runes that were found in those ruins are written in inazuman, [name]. and wanderer is... well-familiar with that language and the nation itself." the young goddess explained in her calm tone of voice, keeping away most of the details.

"but nahida, have mercy, there's no way we coul-"

your pleas were cut off with nahida's small frown and intense stare. you couldn't help but sigh, hopeless.

you thought that when wanderer will have his enter to your house, the building will be blasting with his mocking comments out of everywhere, that arguments and occasional disagreements in everything wouldn't have their end. yet, you were wrong. you and wanderer were ordinary discussing the project of translating the old inazuman runes, talking through about who will deal with this or that topic in it, or who will translate the meaning of the old plate with those runes.

you ofthen found yourself surprised at how he would try to keep down his banter when he saw how exhausted you were after those lectures in the akademiya, so he just shut himself up in case he happened to walk on you in that state, and instead resented how you don't take care of yourself, devoting so much time to all the unnecessary languages and useless pieces of paper called books.

but, there was one more thing.

since wanderer has recently moved to your house, your tea began to disappear as if a cat was sneaking into your kitchen at night, brewing ten cups of tea at once. you already had your suspicions on who could it be, but you needed to figure it out yourself.

so, you waited for him to appear at the usual place you two are meeting every morning for fresh breakfast (for you - a full breakfast, for the puppet - a cup of the bitterest tea you have ever tried in your entire life) - kitchen. sitting in fron of each other while he was already drinking the second cup of tea this morning, and you had just finished with your dish, just sitting there and granting you both with silence.

you took a deep breath, trying not to laugh at your own idea of breaking the silence.

"wanderer, dear, would you please enlighten me on why my tea has been dissipating every night since you got here?" you asked in a fake bittersweet tone, clearly hiding a laugh that has been brewing in your throat.

as he proceeded to raise the cup to his lips, but stopped after your words. wanderer's eyes glimmered with suspense. was he really that obvious, he thought?

"are you implying that-"

"yes."

"no, i am not stealing your tea at night." wanderer scoffs with a scowl on his features. he needed to get the suspicion off himself. "it even sounds like a joke, do you even hear yourself?"

"so how would you explain the magical disappearing of my tea?" you mockingly raised your eyebrows, prepping your chin and cheek on you palm, your elbow on the table.

"that's none of my concern, [name]." he deadpanned, not even bothering to look at your side. ah, good old mean wanderer. how you missed that.

you sighed with a smile that clearly showed that you definitely knew something, and laid the suss off of him for now.

for now.

yet, you decided to check on him later that night, as you were oh so right in your suspicions. you just needed to cast light on his small, silly doings that he denied every now and then. and so, you sneaked into your kitchen at night to prove your point.

what you saw clearly amused you - you needed you hold a hand over your mouth to not laugh out loud in the middle of the night. this was too predictable.

wanderer was leaning against the kitchen counter with his front, with his back turned to you. he was facing the window, the moonlight illuminating on his porcelain skin and indigo hair as if he was an angel from heaven himself. your feauters softened upon seeing him glaring up at the moon in thoughts, yet your eyes wandered off of wanderer and to the three already empty cups of tea next to him on the counter.

"i knew it would be you." you whispered, not bothering to hide a smile, as you heard him snort shortly after.

"...tch. no peace in this house even at night." wanderer sighed, taking another sip from the fourth cup of tea. he turned his head slightly to the side, a small, genuine smile coating his lips. "how irritating."

#genshin x you #kunikuzushi x reader #wanderer x reader #genshin x reader #kunikuzushi x you #wanderer x you #scaramouche #scaramouche x you #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact

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handsometheo · 9 months

Note

hello sweetie! :D

i see that you want to write about descendants and i would absolutely love to share some requests i've been thinking about.

idk if you write ficlets, headcannons or oneshots, so you can write in the way you feel more comfortable! :)

so, the thing is, uma and harry (separately) x artist!reader (gn please!!) where the reader draw and write music and poetry about their lover/crush. i just want to see how they would react if they seen the readers art bcs i think it would be soooooo cute!

(im so sorry if you can't understand something, english isn't my first language.)

take care of yourself. love u!!

I love this so so much! thank you!

Hope this doesn't end up being too bad, I feel it was a little rushed (not because I felt I was being rushed just that I had a few thoughts that I needed to write before they were gone yk?)

I'm doing it so it's:

Harry Hook x painter/drawer!reader

And

Uma x music artist! Reader

To make it easier to imagine

Also I've kept it gender neutral dw and I've also written it so Uma and Harry are in Auradon when they meet you

Please feel free to request more at any point (I'm going to write for all descendants characters but mostly Harry Hook)

----------------------

Harry Hook

Let's imagine Harry has no idea who you are in the beginning

Some random person that's always seen drawing, painting, creating something.

He's seen some of your works hung around Auradon prep in expensive looking frames

He doesn't approach you for a while, in fact Gil is the first to meet you

Gil takes the same art course as you so you meet there when Gil had a bit of a paint disaster

Harry was originally cautious around you because he thought you'd be some stuck up art critique kind of person who was going to complain about Gil

But when you instead explain that you could see what he was trying to do but the actual execution of it wasn't great , Harry laughed with you

Overall your first meet was a positive one that was the beginning of a laughter filled relationship

Harry would always see you sat somewhere, in some weird position, scribbling away in your sketchbook

He eventually spots what you are drawing, or better yet who.

Him

He crashes.

All thoughts, Gone.

He's just staring at it for a good 5 minutes before you have to click your fingers in front of his face to wake him up.

"H- How, no, why are ye drawin' meh?" Heat rises to his cheeks and he slowly brings his thoughts back to Earth.

He'd already had been developing feelings for you since you two met. I mean you were nice to his friends, kind to him, he let you meet his sisters at one point and they seemed to even like you. You are fun to be around, you check that he's taking care of himself, you make sure he's not too bashed up from the sports he plays. What isn't there to like?

"You have a pretty face, nice to draw." He takes note of the blush that grows on your cheeks and the way you look off to the side with a shy smile growing. "I draw the people I like, the people I'm closest to."

His heart almost stops. Did you just try to kill him?! 'cause clearly you aren't aware of the way you make him feel.

I headcannon Harry to be Pansexual, as a pan person myself, so he was kinda well known on the Isle for being able to flirt with anyone he wanted for various reasons

But let me tell you, not once had he had the air knocked out of his chest from a few simple words.

You take his silence the wrong way and begin packing your things to go find somewhere to wallow in your shame, but Harry just drops to his knees in front of you.

"Please, draw meh, whenever ye want to." He is on his knees looking at you with the happiest smile he can muster and almost puppy like wonder in his eyes. "I'll be yours, if you'll be mine?"

Okay that bit came out a little too easy to him, he didn't really mean for that to happen.

But he can't complain since you agreed!

Everything you create for him, he treats like it's the most fragile item he's ever come in contact with

He's always showing it off though he's so appreciative of everything you do so he wants to show the entire world

When you feel down for not feeling your art is good enough, he's oddly prepared to show every bit of art you've ever given him with reasons on what makes it perfect to him

He may as well be prepared with a PowerPoint presentation on every one of your works he's seen

I fact he's probably prepared one somewhere, pictures, effects, transitions, the whole shebang!

He draws too, almost forgot to mention. I've got a little headcanon of him always doodling pirates on cool adventures when he was younger on the isle. I also like to imagine that there was a time where Evie and Harry liked to draw together but Evie drew Princesses and dress designs and Harry drew pirates which created some childish clashing between the two. So they'd stopped almost as soon as they started their little doodle hangouts

That's offtrack, sorry.

He gives you pictures of you in multiple different styles, each time it seems like he's trying to depict you as an angel of sorts

He also draws the Uma and the crew but he comes to check that he got everyone right with you

ART DATES.

YOU'RE GOING TO ALL THE MOST AESTHETICALLY PLACES HE CAN FIND

He may or may not let you take pictures of him for references as long as he can do the same with you, he's also pretty good at photography so he loves getting new picture of you with some fantastical background making you stand out so much more

Uma

Uma knew who you were when she arrived in Auradon, she'd heard your music played at cotillion

She couldn't complain about it, it wasnt her usual style but it was new and she liked that

When she had officially arrived she would notice you all around

Playing music for parties, proper events, even just around the school

Despite her not meeting you she subconsciously finds her way to you

She listens out for you whenever she can

She ends up actually meeting you thought Evie

Evie was designing everyone's outfits for a party so your fitting time overlapped into Uma's time. Uma didn't mind and in fact took the opportunity to tell you that she'd heard you around but hadn't had the chance to meet you

From then, you became quick friends.

Her feelings developed the more time she spent with you, she just loves listening to your music

She'd like to learn an instrument that would compliment your style of music so you could play together

She helps you with lyrics whenever you need the help

She first finds out that you write songs about your experiences and the people around you by looking at the lyrics for some of your songs

She finds it sweet that although you don't directly mention people, you can share the way you feel to them to those who will listen

But then she finds a song that's for her

I mean who else would it be for, she's the person you spend most of your time with and she's the pretty pirate with blue hair

She definitely looks over the lyrics and gets so giddy that she's kicking her feet with glee, when you walk in and see her smiling at the page she doesn't stop smiling

She immediately asks what you mean and when you tell her she latches onto you

Basically, she asks you out right then and there

Who are you to deny her? Of course you accept

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ♫ ⋅.} ───── ⊰

So sorry it took longer than I thought, and sorry Uma's part was shorter thats my dumb lil brain being dumb

#x reader #fanfic #disney descendants #disney #descendants fandom #descendants fanfic #harry hook #harry hook x reader #harry hook descendants #uma descendants #uma x reader #descendants 2

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thatdeadaquarius · 1 year

Note

I just reread your Language Barrier AU and the ballpoint where reader was pissed because these fuckers just couldn't help but talk like Zhongli-

MINCE YOUR WORDS.

IN ONE SENTENCE.

PREFERABLY 5 WORDS OR LESS.

EXPLAIN IT TO ME LIKE I'M RAZOR.

Argh, God. I'm getting mad just thinking about it. 😤 Imagine in a fight and these dudes just sttaight up blurted a fucking 5 book-length, hard bounded soliloquy- I cannot-

No, Venti, Kazuha. You cannot use Haikus-

No, Cyno, you cannot use jokes either- but that is debatable-

And Oh. My. God. I kept thinking about when fighting and y'all kept throwing words (like when using a skill) and I'm just here standing, bracing myself SO HARD trying not to laugh (also irl). And then maybe now and then some mistranslation on Reader's mind since they use JP VA since the start of Genshin (assuming they play?) are new to Teyvat's Language:

'One with the Floor!'

One with the what?

'Shake your ass, sir!'

Cue spitting tea-

(Sorry, that's just me mishearing things 💀) But like at those times, Reader is the one dying of laughter lol. Imagine them explaing to Beidou that they thought she said 'Power of the ending Hotdog' instead of 'Power that ended Haishan'.

Aight, imma just.. go.

*imma send this anonymously because im shy, but do know that I love bread 🥖

Also @2:20

For you 🤲🥨🍩🥧🥐all the bread for the superior ask, anon

I could definitely see myself saying "ONE SENTENCE. U HAVE TO RESPOND IN ONE SENTENCE ONLY." then they manage to still make it a whole 40 word sentence 💀

^^ Confused Bakugou gif is literally u being shocked bc u keep mishearing everyones bursts on the battlefield LMAO SHAKE UR ASS SIR THAT ONE TOOK ME TF OUT ANON

☆

"Speed of Bite!" (Keqing's Speed of Light lol)

"I will have whore her!" (Zhongli's I will have order 😭)

"Time for... Execution!" (Diluc's time for retribution lol)

...

You in the background like: 🧍‍♂️... tfs wrong with yall, u glitched??

◇

They're like, physically incapable of making your kind of simple blunt sentences

Like i think some people would get close: Albedo, Xinyan, Klee, Qiqi, Sayu (rlly likes it bc it lets them be lazier), Cyno (maybe at first but then he would like, explain for 10 min after every simple sentence what he meant like his jokes 😭), Hu Tao, Heizou, Lumine/Aether, Xiao (can kinda get close but he gets frustrated and then rants for 30 minutes lmao), Razor (holds the title for the closest to your simple speech,👏👏LMAO PPL ACCIDENTALLY THINKING HES A GOD)

♤

People who will never get it, not even if ur in battle & ur life depends on it LMAO:

Zhongli (he rlly wants to but habits over thousands of years r hard to break 🙏 rip), Yun Jin, Xingqiu, Kuni/Babygirl, Venti, Kazuha, Sucrose, Shenhe, Kokomi, Ei, Nahida (tho it was a valiant effort), Noelle, Alhaitham, Sara, Ningguang (she doesnt want to even try lol), Mona, Fischl, Jean, Ganyu, Eula, Barbara, Diluc + Kaeya (unsurpringly both of them are tied for being the worst attempts at speaking simply 💀, guess its just that fancy etiquette training, its too hard to break) 😔

♡

Yeah, ur pretty much begging the ppl who can get close to ur speech to constantly translate everyone else

Rest in peace traveler, theyre like the first person u turn to,

(Paimon is also kinda bad at speaking simply, closest shes gotten is when she demands food lol)

☆

Idk how good this was, but THANK U FOR THE ASK AGAIN I AM ALWAYS READY TO HEAR OTHERS MAKE MY BRAINROT WORSE OVER LANGUAGE GENSHIN <3

ALSO I CANT BELIEVE U SENT ME THAT CYNO JOKES VIDEO PLEASE ITS SO LONG IT WAS SO FUNNY I STILL HAVENT WATCHED THE FULL THING

Feel free to send another in whenever i love talking to yall ♡

Cheers,

🌒🌊🌧Aquarius♒️🌌🌘

♡ the beloveds:

@karmawonders

✨️✨️✨️✨️💖✨️✨️✨️✨️

#my head is full of blunt language genshin isekai #i love any and all God!Reader stuff #i have a WHOLE fatass worldbuilding AU abt god reader being from another world #and falling into abyss and getting turned into an abyss god #lmk if thats ever interesting to anyone ever its kinda niche :/#genshin impact #ask box open #my asks #genshin sagau #sagau #genshin imagines #genshin sagau ideas #gender neutral reader #please send asks #taglist open!#aka the beloveds #dm me if interested #genshin isekai

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a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire · 5 months

Text

I finished acotar a while ago and I was gonna write a review right away but then christmas happened and I was pretty busy and wanted to enjoy myself so youre getting like two weeks late

It was fine, I really didnt have any strong feelings about the book itself. Like, my main complaints are that it was pretty boring and directionless for most of it and stuff thats mainly related to the next books, if I just look at it as a standalone I would describe it as "not for me, but not that bad"

That is, until we get to Under The Mountain, where everything just gets really stupid and convoluted. That whole section, which is a solid fourth or fifth of the whole book, severely clashes with the sweet fairytale romance that came before it. It reminds me of how all those twilight-knockoff trilogies in the 2010s would have two pretty low-stakes books worth of basically only romance with some weird magic sprinkled on top, and then in the last book it would turn out that the protagonist and her beloved need to Go To War or the world will end except even worse (also now that I think about it, the first three acotar books also seem to be structed like that, so youre getting two shitty plot structures in one. yayyyyyyy)

There was literally no reason for all of that happen, it was honestly just unpleasant reading about Feyre, who had spent the book recovering from her trauma in a way that was genuinely pretty nice to read about, being tortured for three months until she was feeling worse than she ever had before. And some people might say "oh, thats the point, its meant to be tragic" but it didnt feel like tragedy, it just felt tonally dissonant. Also, the entire ending was so weird and dragged out, like that bit where she and Tamlin are staying one last night UTM for some reason and then she talks to Rhysand before they finally leave and its like, BRO dont stay in the Palace of Torments for any longer than you have to, just leave through that portal-tunnel thing

Speaking of Rhysand, he wasnt that bad in this book but Im sure my opinion on him will change. The main thing that sticks out about him is how sjm simply could not resist ALREADY explaining all of his motivations and portraying him as someone whos obviously so noble, despite all the obviously horrific and completely unecessary shit hes doing. Like, theres that scene where Rhysand crushes that guy's brain when Amarantha ordered him to crush his mind and the narration goes "that was actually an act of mercy from Rhysand" ??? that mightve worked better in third person limited where youre working without the implication that the prose is the pov character's actual thoughts, but since its first person and meant to be Feyre's thoughts I was just like "why is she thinking that when she should be thinking 'holy fucking shit, i just signed my life over to a guy who could squish my mind like a grape if he wanted to?!?!?!!'"

Also, theres that scene where Rhysand comes into Feyres cell to "escape from it all" or whatever and he basically monologues to her about his sympathetic motivations and I just. sarah, girlie, you shouldve saved this shit for the second book. Like, rewrite the scene so that he just comes in eithout a word, hes totally unresponsive to Feyre insulting him or trying to ask him what hes doing here, he just sits down in the corner, knees pulled to his chest, he mutters something vague about just wanting to be left alone, maybe he's even got tears in his idk. I think that would be a far more effective way to have him be sympathetic in a more subtle way than just having him monologue his tragic circumstances and noble intentions at Feyre

Thats about it so far, I'll probably start reading ACOMAF in january when winter break is over and I can read it on the bus and in class again

#anti acotar #anti sjm #thorns and roses liveblog #book review

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thesherrinfordfacility · 3 months

Text

six months on (albeit, a bit late) part 1/3

part one | part two | epilogue (at some point)

hello would you like a stupid-length run down of the final fifteen?

idk about anyone else, but i kinda find myself regularly in a position where i don't know what to think about the final fifteen. i flit from one explanation or opinion to another; there have been so many facets of this sequence discussed that ive even found myself turned around on what i actually think was going on... was aziraphale threatened? did he do a complete 180 on his character development throughout both seasons? does he genuinely buy what metatron is telling him? how does he take crowley's rejection to return to heaven with him?

so back to basics, and because im itching to stretch the meta-writing legs that isn't solely an ask response or a purely batshit speculation - and because throughout writing this, i anticipate that i might surprise myself on how, overall, i interpret the whole scene... going back to basics and simply rewatching the scene (and making copious notes) is in order! just don't expect this to be anything you've necessarily not seen before - there are no revelations in this post.

please also note that this is an incredibly long, winding, and abhorrently lengthy post. no im not actually sorry about it, i needed to write it all out for my own bloody sanity

shall we begin?

so first thing's first: metatron saying his first line as he did indicates that aziraphale has expressed some hesitation. might be his body language, or possibly he's even said as such - something along the lines of, 'id need to discuss it with crowley', or something as simple as, 'im not sure, i need to think'. either way, aziraphale certainly responds to the metatron in a way that would suggest he is excited... but definitely incredulous and nervous.

and as for the metatron terming it as 'good news'; he seems to think that he and aziraphale are on the same page, that they hold the same opinion on whatever they've talked about. given what he later says about crowley, however - plus the borderline-disparaging remarks about going his own way, the Evil Glare™, and how quickly he just accepts that crowley isn't going - suggest that he a) doesn't want crowley in heaven, and b) that he anticipates that crowley will, in fact, consider the offer to return to heaven as very much Bad News Bears, and summarily reject it.

aziraphale starts making his way back to the bookshop, and boy do those expressions tell a story. that is not a happy angel. as soon as he steps off the pavement, his face falls, and his brow tightens in nerves, worry, and possibly even confusion; that to me is a, 'how the fuck am i going to explain this, how am i even going to word it?'. there's a quick, fortifying breath, and he's squaring the shoulders just as he moves out of frame. getting fanciful, that is an angel that is practically steeling himself to do battle; he knows crowley isn't going to like this, knows that it's going to be a hard sell. but what is key is that he does all of this walking away from the metatron, where he can't see - if nothing else, it's a very different expression to the 'excitement' he showed just seconds earlier.

but then he gets into the bookshop, and that expression is gone. for whatever reason, he doesn't want crowley to see it either. he doesn't want crowley to see anything less than joy, confidence, or excitement - he doesn't want to let crowley see that something is wrong/amiss. we then see the metatron, after establishing that muriel might be an adequate replacement to look after the bookshop, look across the street and presumably have a clear view of the two of them in the shop itself.

now, let's talk about crowley for a sec. crowley is equally nervous, and we can presume that it stems from the conversation with nina and maggie - that he needs to start opening communication with aziraphale, especially if anything is to move forward... and the best place to start, we presume (because, ultimately, we don't know for certain what he was going to say or how he was going to word it in this moment) is to propose that he and aziraphale - if nothing else - truly become an 'us'. maybe there's a love confession in there, maybe not. regardless, he's fidgety, but resolute; he even swipes off his glasses to show how committed he is to diving headfirst into this vulnerability that he otherwise keeps under wraps.

aziraphale, whilst crowley is word-vomiting, is immediately starting off with hand movements to get him to slow down, to quieten down, or stop talking altogether. as he does so, he's looking right back out of the shop window, as if he's aware of metatron's reciprocal gaze in. he's doing so with a pretty sincere smile on his face, and that to me is saying a couple of things:

aziraphale, i think, from the moment he set foot in the shop and saw nina and maggie coming back out, possibly already knew where crowley was going with the conversation. he's just watched as crowley practically offered up alpha centauri to gabriel and beelzebub as a refuge, somewhere he's already expressed that he and aziraphale could go to escape the apocalypse. so; to aziraphale's mind, in crowley doing so, a) crowley has chosen to remain on earth come what may - otherwise he'd have kept his chosen prospective bolthole quiet, and b) in the context where crowley offers it to them, as a safe place for two hereditary enemies just like them to love each other in peace, aziraphale recognises that that might have been what crowley wanted for them too. ergo, to my mind, crowley's confession is not necessarily a surprise to aziraphale - i daresay he likely saw it coming

aziraphale does not jump in straight away to interrupt crowley, and nor does he do it with any harsh or abrupt language. he wants to revisit this conversation - literally the meaning of 'hold that thought' - but what he has to say takes precedence. and to be fair, depending on how we interpret the preceding scene with the metatron (and what is revealed in the flashback conversation), it is arguably a more pressing matter to discuss, especially if it concerns their respective safeties... but it's a conversation he wants to return to

that being said, if aziraphale does know that the confession is inbound, the fact that he would treat it as somewhat of a joking matter - especially given how uncomfortable and fervent crowley's own demeanour is - is a bit... nasty? aziraphale has definitely, on previous occasions, expressed flashes of superiority over crowley, but i don't think this is a situation where he does feel superior... not at all. instead, again, considering how he quickly cheers up his expression when he enters the shop, this to me is aziraphale trying to mask his own discomfort, panic, and worry. he's keeping this whole thing as light and airy as he possibly can.

we then move on to aziraphale telling crowley he has some "incredibly good news" to give him... which, okay, sure, it might be that aziraphale is anticipating it to be good news. but again, the expression outside the shop? if he was that confident that crowley would be jumping for joy at the merest suggestion of returning to heaven, the conflicted expressions of worry and trepidation would, presumably, not have happened. so, i once again can only take this line to be aziraphale trying to dress it up with excitement. and i say dress it up because... we've seen aziraphale beside himself with excitement, right? and this is not it. this (first two snips) is aziraphale being giddy with excitement, or at least a job well done, not the latter clip:

aziraphale is barely able to get the words out properly after this point, he's nigh incoherent, and his hand movements indicate he's practically frantic... someone who normally, even when nervous or uncomfortable, keeps his hands quite close to his body, clasped comfortingly in front of him or stiff at his sides. we then furthermore have what he seems to mouth in the midst of this flurry of movement and mumbling, which, yes, is speculation but i rather much stand by it so far... and as such, seems to match his expression outside of the bookshop of, 'what the fuck am i going to say'.

also worth noting, to his credit, that crowley is being remarkably patient throughout all of this - i think he potentially does recognise that something is amiss? the 'somethings wrong' voice? recognises that despite himself being interrupted from something really quite important, aziraphale is evidently... not himself.

what intrigues me however, before we get into the meat of aziraphale and metatron's conversation, is how aziraphale words this particular bit:

because aziraphale catches himself before he says something potentially rather offensive, and then turns it back on himself. for example: "i don't think he's as bad a fellow as he came across", or "-as we thought he was", compared to aziraphale then backtracking and owning that it was his fault, "i think i might have misjudged him!".

what does it matter if he calls out the metatron for having been an arse in s1? it was a perfectly fair assessment to make, by all accounts, and presumably one that he and crowley had a laugh/bitch over post-s1... why would he recount that particular line? it wouldn't change the sentiment, ultimately - that aziraphale is trying to convey to crowley that the metatron 'is actually kind of alright!' - and it's not like crowley would be offended either way... so, are we to assume that even if the metatron can't hear what he's saying (although i have further speculation on this too, by the by, but this is a little more tentative) aziraphale perhaps fears that he can? in much the same way that he only let his expression truly slip once his back was turned, out on the street?

but then we move onto the offer itself, and the conversation between him and the metatron. aziraphale starts getting into his stride, probably because now he's just simply recounting what actually happened, all supported by the flashbacks we get. aziraphale isn't having to lie, as far as we can tell - he's simply going over the conversation he had. let's break that down:

aziraphale initially seems quite relaxed to be sat opposite metatron, insomuch that he doesnt look overly tense. frankly, he just looks bored, wanting to get this over and done with, likely so he can head back to the bookshop and be left in peace. as he said before they left; he has made his position clear, he wants nothing to do with heaven (at least as it currently is), and this is just a courtesy, to hear out whatever the voice of god has to say. of course, metatron then blindsides aziraphale by saying that - of course - the only option to replace gabriel must be aziraphale.

what is noteworthy is how aziraphale says, "and i said... "me?!"... and he said-". because when we cut back to the flashback, aziraphale's expression has not changed at all. there's no excitement, but more just bafflement and shock... and not one that indicates he's in any way enthusiastic about the idea. the fact that aziraphale chooses to recount that particular 'me?!' the way he does to crowley suggests that he's, quite possibly, putting it on, playing the part, and deliberately overstating his initial reaction - almost like he's trying to hype crowley up in turn. furthermore - aside from all the handwaving and nervous huffs of laughter - aziraphale does not even blink throughout this whole spiel to crowley. just an observation.

metatron gives his bullshit rationalisation for choosing aziraphale - and i say bullshit because from their last interaction in s1, aziraphale arguably did not display much of the qualities that metatron purports he has... if any at all - and aziraphale visibly starts to subtly panic. there's the glance away, his shoulders stiffen, he swallows nervously, breathes heavily. when aziraphale does speak, it's immediately to declare that he doesn't want the position, doesn't want to go back to heaven full stop (very reminiscent of his reaction to the promotion offer in the cut 1800 scene), and gives the excuse of the coffee.

metatron then brings out Les Big Guns. before the metatron says anything else, and without so much as a hint from aziraphale, metatron oh so casually remarks that aziraphale would have the final say on who he works with. he already anticipates that aziraphale's hang-up about going back to heaven may not be in fact the coffee, and tbh may not in fact be anything to do with earth itself, but everything to do with crowley remaining on earth. crowley is however a demon, and in his current form would not be able to go to heaven (which in turn begs another observation - does metatron not know that crowley infiltrated heavily pretty easily earlier in the episode?... hmm).

as such, the obvious solution for the metatron is to drop the fact that he probably knows a lot more about aziraphale and crowley's historic dealings with each other than would otherwise be anticipated. he mentions that he has had the chance to peruse over... recordings? reports? photos? that show the span of aziraphale's relationship with crowley - and unspokenly suggests that he knows everything. and then he offers a very neat, tidy solution to that small 'hes a demon' snag. he tells aziraphale he would have the authority to restore crowley, so he could come with him.

aziraphale, whilst metatron is revealing the scope of his intelligence gathering, looks like he's about to burst into tears. to me? that is horror, and fear - like a frightened animal being suddenly backed into a corner. his eyes start darting everywhere, his face - especially his jaw - tenses, and he looks like he's about to leg it out of his chair at any given moment. and namely, once metatron tells him he could restore crowley to being an angel, we don't see aziraphale's resultant expression at all. it immediately cuts back to the bookshop.

why would aziraphale fear metatron knowing everything about him and crowley? this isn't clear. it may simply be residue fear, muscle memory, from years gone by where their association has had to exist in utmost secret. alternatively, it might be that aziraphale is not comfortable in the knowledge that not only does metatron want something from him (to return to heaven), but that metatron has very accurately landed on aziraphale's pressure point (crowley). this is what i mean when i say, as i have in previous posts, that i don't think there's a missing, overt threat from the metatron that we've not been shown, but that aziraphale feels threatened.

compare this to nearly every spy movie you've ever seen - you want someone to do something for you, but they're resistant? just casually drop that you know that their partner has just had a new haircut, or that their child looked happy going into school that morning, or that their parent is struggling to pay for their medical bills... it's sufficient information enough to instill a sense of peril without being an unclassy, hamfisted, overt threat.

my last thought on the flashbacks; as was said brilliantly in this post (@fearandhatred), i don't think the flashbacks were disingenuous, and i don't believe that there are gaps missing that will be revealed in s3. but i do think that there are some key things that aziraphale might not have actually told crowley in his recount of the conversation. crowley responds in his next line specifically to the offer of restoration... so, did aziraphale even tell him about the metatron knowing all about them? their "de facto partnership", their "previous exploits"? because personally, i don't think he did. once again - the narrative irony that we as the audience have the full story, but crowley potentially does not.

but anyway; back to the bookshop.

...okay, aziraphale. right. i mean, first of all, crowley is just as taken aback, shocked, and incredulous as aziraphale seems to have been during the flashbacks. but aziraphale? everything has slowed down, almost calmed, like the eye of the storm has passed over. he almost looks less manic, less (frankly) deranged, and seems to actually be settling in the fact that the offer itself might actually be a good thing - something that crowley might in fact want. it's still not quite right, he's still not quite acting in a way that makes me think aziraphale's being entirely forthcoming with crowley.

the way he says that crowley could "come back" is soft and gentle, as if he's granting the most amazing, positively astounding opportunity - that heaven is doing something that it has never (as far as we or aziraphale, presumably, is aware) done before, and welcoming crowley back... like it's equal parts forgiveness towards crowley for having done whatever he did (im deliberately trying to keep this concept very vague and objective), and apology to crowley for a punishment that far outweighed any possible 'crime' he could have committed... like heaven is attempting to make reparations for what they did to him in the fall.

putting this outside the main body because it's another slight tangent. we know that crowley being good, nice, and/or kind is not necessarily indicative that crowley should or ought to be an angel. there are shades of grey. however, i do think aziraphale... still has issues with that. still has issues with aligning what he thinks good is, how intrinsically important being good is to him, and then where crowley sits in the midst of all of it - almost like aziraphale accepts that he himself may be in the grey, accepts his shortcomings, but where crowley is concerned aziraphale readily glosses over a number of his... not-so-nice bits. this might stem from aziraphale believing that it's more palatable to love crowley if he believes him to essentially be an angel in all but name, but i don't think it's quite that. more that aziraphale maybe thinks that 'good' is the ideal to hold, that heaven is the place that was meant to be good, and that crowley himself is good... so... well, isn't it the logical conclusion that crowley would want to return to heaven?

so going back to this bit of the scene: i don't think aziraphale ever wanted crowley to revert back to factory settings, never even considered the notion, nor necessarily thought that crowley would be better as an angel... but instead perhaps that being an angel again is what crowley would want. that it would be nothing more, really, than a rubber stamp in his personnel file. i think aziraphale was simply remembering the angel that was joyful in creating, surrounded himself in the exaltation of imagining new and wonderful things, bringing them to life; why wouldn't, in its most basic essence, aziraphale want that for crowley again? for crowley to be back where - as far as aziraphale likely remembers - he was at his happiest? and if he has the power to give it, like the metatron said, isn't that the greatest gift aziraphale could ever bestow upon him?

if we accept, as the whole final fifteen scene is intimating pretty strongly thus far, that aziraphale is trying to keep his panic and fear about the whole situation under wraps from crowley, it simultaneously makes sense that he would offer this to crowley as if he's saying:

'here's a wonderful thing that im pretty certain you've always wanted; please, just this once, don't ask questions about anything else, please just concentrate on this, i can handle everything else. just please say yes to coming back with me, i need you to come back. you can be happy, and i can sort out heaven, so that one day we can just simply walk away and never have to look over our shoulders. i'm scared, but i don't really have a choice, and tbh im even more scared what might happen if i leave you behind.'

but as metatron, i think, clearly anticipates, and as i think aziraphale truthfully does too as he first heads into the bookshop, this was never going to be something that crowley would accept. it's not something crowley wants. crowley - for whatever reason (again, in the absence of knowing anything concrete about the fall, keeping this deliberately vague) - was rejected by heaven in the most literal sense possible. slapping him with an angel stamp and dressing him in a white suit means nothing of value to him, and is the furthest from what he wants; in fact, actually, if anything, it's the biggest insult he could be afforded. because what has suddenly made him redeemable, palatable, 'forgiveable', in the eyes of heaven? nothing; just that he's a pawn in whatever bargain the metatron is trying to strike with aziraphale... and from crowley's pov, aziraphale has agreed to using him as a game piece. it doesn't confer value onto crowley, if anything it reduces it; in this equation, even if he were to accept the offer, he'd essentially be nothing more than a negotiated benefit for aziraphale to take the job.

(and that's all assuming that restoration would in fact mean crowley gets to continue being him, albeit in fancy white clothes - when there's the very real possibility that, if restoration as a concept even exists at all, heaven would just wipe him and set him off from ground zero all over again. aziraphale seems to have taken the metatron's word for it; that restoration even exists, that aziraphale would have the power to do it, and that it would mean he gets to keep crowley exactly as he is).

at which point... crowley knows that aziraphale didn't turn down the offer in the metaphorical room - "and you told him just where he could stick it, then?"... he's hopeful, possibly, but his expression suggests that he fully anticipates that aziraphale has bought into the crock of shit that metatron has spun him. that aziraphale took the job on the provision that crowley could join him, which crowley points out to be beneath the both of them, "oh, we're better than that- you're better than that, angel!".

aziraphale however, as explained above, sees it as being the best, safest, most opportune option for them both to take; "not at all", said with the tone of surprise that it is, suggests that aziraphale didn't ever consider the possibility of saying no, maybe because he feels that he can't, and never thought that crowley would say no, either. along with the surprise tone however, he says it with a very tense expression - the smile has frozen, and his tense are gritted. it might be that he genuinely thought that crowley would say yes, or because - again, if he's in fear of being overheard - he's worried about the implications of what crowley has just said.

crowley goes on to rant that he turned down hell when beelzebub made a very similar offer to crowley in ep1 (which, by the by, he... didn't. for whatever reason, crowley did not say no, nor any variant of a refusal, to beelzebub), and aziraphale remarks that that's a given, as "you're the bad guys".

now... i wince at this particular line every time i watch the final fifteen, as im sure everyone else does, but i don't think it's - at all - meant in the way that crowley likely receives it. certainly not in the way that the majority of the audience seems to have received it.

im not set to diminish or invalidate, on crowley's part, how it must feel to hear aziraphale still consider him a 'bad guy', simply because he's a demon. but from aziraphale's perspective, crowley is a demon, and demons are of hell. hell are not the good guys, as a collective - as has been proven time and time again - and, well, if heaven are meant to be the good guys, hell are by process of elimination the bad guys. once again, aziraphale arrives a rather binary conclusion of good vs. evil.

but equally consider that this is also the aziraphale that regularly compliments crowley on his niceness and his good deeds. that same aziraphale does not think of crowley as 'a bad guy'. he is blunt that crowley is of hell, who are the collective bad guys, because hell is the bad side to the heaven that was meant to be the good side. and as said above - crowley is good! he's a good person! he might be a demon, of hell, but he belongs on the side of good! which leads to this lovely little number:

throughout this whole part of their discussion, aziraphale has presented as more and more sure, less panicky and nervous - because i think this is something that he absolutely believes. he might have initially not wanted anything to do with heaven, but now? with the possibility that crowley could join him? suddenly then it's viable... lucrative, even - that he could fix heaven, that crowley could help him do it, they'd be together, and they'd get their happy, safe ending. his expression on "good" would suggest his confusion that crowley doesn't appear to share the same opinion - sure, heaven is shit now, but it was always meant to be good, right?* doesn't crowley see that?

crowley, however, justifiably illustrates that, the way he sees it (and has been demonstrated by the narrative), both sides are as flawed and redundant as each other; aziraphale can be as optimistic as he likes that heaven is redeemable, is fixable, but all crowley can see is that both are so inherently awful, so rotten to the very foundation, that there is no saving them... heaven least of all, for being the side that purports itself to be good. hell, at least, is aware of its very nature; heaven is insidious, and doesn't even have the good grace to acknowledge it, instead chalking it up to being god's will, and therefore whatever they do must be good.

and with that, i think crowley simultaneously starts to really panic - knowing that he's losing aziraphale - and yet hopes against all hope that he's gotten through to him, changed his mind, and begins pleading with him to tell him the exact thing he wants to hear; 'this is a bad idea, please don't do this, please-'

aziraphale is visibly struggling to even collect his thoughts, to even find the words to summarise why he's going to do this. simultaneously, aziraphale is dumbfounded. i think part of that is because he recognises the truth in what crowley is saying, but i also think that he's now in a position where his plan to get crowley to come with him has failed, and he's at a loss for what to do - what to say - next. he looks from crowley, looks out the window, his mouth is working to try and say something, even looks down at his feet, before coming up with the best way he can to explain why he's doing this. "if im in charge... i can make a difference."

*because once again (i'll die on this hill), i don't think aziraphale thinks that heaven as it currently is, is something that is good, light, or truth... but that heaven's intended purpose was to be those things, and is what heaven in essence stands for... irrespective of whoever is in charge. aziraphale has no allegiance to heaven as it currently is. michael, uriel, sandalphon, gabriel when he was supreme archangel - all of them have corrupted heaven to be something that it was never meant to be. but aziraphale has to believe that heaven itself is redeemable, has to believe that there is something salvageable; if it weren't, does that mean that aziraphale in turn is not either of those things too? does that mean that aziraphale is not good? heaven is capable of great things, that could benefit everyone involved; so couldn't aziraphale, from all of the experience he's gained, do something to make heaven exactly that?

it doesn't mean that aziraphale is any more correct for this more nuanced assumption, but i think it poses there is a very fine line in aziraphale's thinking. to my mind, aziraphale is not backtracking on the entirety of what he's learnt since the beginning, he's not suddenly heaven's man again - but instead is recognising that heaven is broken as it currently is... and that he could potentially fix it. if anything, that recognition that what he thought was faultless actually needs fixing, and that he may be able to do it, because it's the right thing to do... is exactly the character development i was expecting? an angel who has himself been rejected time and time again for being who he is, without even the finality of falling, could actually be the key to making heaven something worthy of the name.

he has to take that opportunity, to be that change, but he doesn't want to leave crowley to do so. not only because, of course, he simply loves crowley and wants both, but if he does leave crowley, what could happen to crowley without aziraphale being in a position to protect him? what, for me, it all boils down to is that aziraphale thinks going to heaven is the right thing to do, but only entertained it seriously when a) crowley's name, and their relationship, was casually mentioned in a way that felt like metatron would use it as leverage, and b) crowley could potentially come with him. ultimately, the fact remains that crowley more important to him than heaven is.

let's return to the specific wording of 'make a difference'. it's... fairly neutral, right? make a difference for whom? what kind of difference? the difference that metatron was talking about, or the difference that, in the most idealistic scenario possible, aziraphale and crowley both would probably want to happen? it's carefully worded - and coupled with eeeeverything that i've said about how aziraphale acts with the metatron, how he was hiding his expression as he entered the shop, and then how aziraphale seems to backtrack on bitch-talking the metatron... look, i don't necessarily buy that aziraphale is trying to speak in a riddle or code that he knows crowley would understand, but i do wonder if he's now hoping that crowley will read between the lines. he can't outright tell crowley his suspicions, and was possibly trying to get crowley to come with him in a way that wouldn't alert crowley to anything amiss whatsoever... but now? now that crowley is resisting? he has to edge slightly closer towards transparency.

in the hypothetical scenario that aziraphale is fearful that they may be overheard, or observed, aziraphale has to be careful. he has to word whatever he says in such a way that he appears to be heaven's man, that he genuinely wants to take the opportunity to run heaven and the 'enormous projects' that are in planning, in a way that doesn't disclose to the metatron that aziraphale is in any way suspicious of him. to crowley, however, he has to convey that he isn't heaven's man, that he wants to change things that would mean that it be for the better, and do all of that whilst not alerting crowley that there may be danger. 'make a difference' suddenly has a double-meaning, because for whose benefit does aziraphale truly want to change things?

crowley then, bless his heart, bravely launches into his confession that he tried to start at the beginning, and i think he does so in an effort to be completely transparent on why he needs aziraphale to stay - an effort to convince him to remain with crowley for no other reason than that he wants to be with him... and now? now he's not even sure it'll work. he's tried demonstrating where heaven isn't worth the effort, to no avail, so now he's going for full vulnerability mode. honestly, what a trooper, he was so so brave

aziraphale throughout the confession is practically motionless. the manic energy has disappeared, and from the subtle flickers in his expression, i think he saw this coming - saw it coming from the moment that he saw crowley offer up alpha centauri to gabriel and beelzebub, and saw nina and maggie very surreptitiously leave the bookshop. i think to some degree, aziraphale knew at least the nature of what crowley was going to say, and as a result, he gets very nervous:

at the sheer mention of "group", aziraphale pointedly (to me, anyway) looks out of the window. generally, he looks shifty - avoiding eye contact, eyes flickering, heavy breathing - but it's so deliberate that he looks out of the window where, we can surmise, is the general environs of where the metatron is still waiting. again - the metatron saying "de facto partnership", and all of his allusions to knowing the true nature and extent of aziraphale's association with crowley, seems all the more sinister if this line - "a team- a group!" - is specifically when aziraphale's eyes betray his concern. i don't think he's necessarily scared that the metatron will overhear this bit, because ultimately the metatron has intimated that he already knows this, but crowley is, potentially, and very much unknowingly, placing them in even more danger by vocalising the exact nature of what he and aziraphale feel for each other.

i also want to remark on aziraphale's look of confusion when crowley says, "spent our existence pretending that we aren't". ive had many a thought on why aziraphale would look so perplexed, and only one kind of makes sense to me - that actually, within the last few years, aziraphale... wasn't pretending at all. crowley told him that they were on their own side in tadfield, something that may have taken a while, but ultimately aziraphale in the "so did i" demonstrates that he was fully on board with, and he's now spent a good portion of s2 trying to make 'their side' all the more meaningful... crowley was no longer going too fast for him, but instead he was trying to show crowley that he had caught up - felt free enough to match his speed.

that, for me, would make sense with crowley's next line, where he himself clarifies that actually, no - the last couple of years they weren't pretending like they were before. something changed after armageddon, and that was that they both were removed enough from heaven and hell that they could finally explore what 'us' might mean for them. crowley is consistently taken aback by what aziraphale intended to be overtures of closeness and adoration - the frequent touching, the bentley, the ball - because aziraphale was trying to demonstrate it with actions, rather than words. crowley previously showed aziraphale how he felt about him - the rescues, the dinners, the books - and aziraphale was trying to speak to him in a language that he thought crowley would understand.

but crowley then plays the card that he played before, and that even under better circumstances aziraphale would never accept; "if gabriel and beelzebub can do it, go off together, then we can!". aziraphale didn't accept it - however much he might have selfishly, privately wanted to - in s1 under threat of armageddon, and it's certainly not an option now when the metatron is literally outside the door. again, if we accept that aziraphale has read the conversation he had with the metatron as some kind of subtle threat, legging it is absolutely not an option he can take. on one hand, he might not want to; aziraphale typically chooses, when his back is against the wall, to fight his way out, to push back. on the other... it's the same as the bandstand; where could they possibly go where heaven won't find them? if they even got that far, how long would they have to keep running? they would constantly have to look over their shoulders, and exist together as if it's something that should be hidden out of fear, and guilt, and shame.

it then makes sense that aziraphale suddenly finds movement as crowley in turn grows more frantic in them being "an 'us'!"; aziraphale starts quickly shaking his head, tearing up, at what crowley is saying. crowley tries stoicly to cajole aziraphale into agreeing, because surely this time he will. aziraphale however strides right up to him, and counters again that he and crowley can be together, can be an 'us', but why can't it be in heaven? neither of them are denying what they want from the other. aziraphale then goes on to lay out exactly how it could work, that he could "run it, [crowley'll] be [his] second-in-command".

i know that a lot of people take issue with this line, because it suggests that aziraphale is claiming superiority, and relegating crowley to the oh-so-lowly deputy position... but tbh, i just can't see it like that. i have no doubt that crowley might see it like that (re: what i said above about crowley potentially seeing the restoration as an insult, because it's only offered not in recognition of crowley himself, but instead as a consolatory benefit of aziraphale taking the offer) but i just simply cannot fathom that aziraphale would ever mean it like that. because look - they haven't even gotten out the door, and already aziraphale has it all planned out. he'd bypass the other archangels not only to take the top position himself, at the metatron's behest, but he'd immediately use that power to install crowley right by his side. he's not offering crowley to just return to his lab/office cubicle as an angel, and once-in-a-blue-moon see aziraphale when he maybe had the time; he's already scheming to give crowley one of the most powerful positions he possibly can. he wants to place crowley in a position not only where aziraphale can always protect him, but it also shows that he trusts crowley more implicitly than any other being, and is frankly offering to fix heaven to be one that crowley would want to see. that crowley could have direct input in building. one that is good enough to have him.

aziraphale solidifies this with "we can make a difference". note the pronoun shift from before? and how he half-whispers it to crowley, fervent and desperate for crowley to see exactly what they could do together? notice how aziraphale isn't scanning around him at the windows anymore? to me, this is the real motivation, right here. metatron is giving both of them an opportunity for them to play their own game; aziraphale is prepared to take it, but wants crowley by side - as a team - when he does... why wouldn't crowley?

okay im going to cheat here slightly and direct you to this, because my thoughts on this are pretty much still the same. it's apt that this is the nail in the coffin as far as this conversation goes, because for me it's the main (only?) instance in which the two of them are both entirely candid in what they're saying, hoping the other understands, and yet the two meanings miss each other completely. everything else has been a conflict in beliefs or ideals, but this? this is The miscommunication.

crowley is saying: 'this bookshop means so much to you, and it means so much to me too. you even said it was ours, not just yours; it represents where we both felt most safe, where we could be entirely ourselves and not fear or worry about anything going on outside it. you gave me a home in this place, with you - you can't just leave it like it's nothing, you can't just leave 'us' like it's nothing, you can't just leave me like im nothing.'

aziraphale is saying: 'this bookshop means so much to me, it's true, but in a thousand years - even maybe a hundred years - it will be little more than rubble. it represents what i used to treasure more than anything, because it was what i took pleasure in, and i could be myself. it was ours, but really all it is, is little more than paper, glass, and brick. you are my home, and you are more important than a building with windows and a creaky front door. being together, being safe, is all i want, and is all that matters.'

all of that is summed up nicely in crowley just... letting all the fight drain out of his body. tilts his head back, in that famous nod of, 'oh right okay, i see what you're saying'. wills the tears not to fall; to him, aziraphale has just rejected everything that crowley thought aziraphale held dear - including himself. nothing lasts forever, including them... when what aziraphale is saying is that nothing lasts forever, but they could.

crowley puts his shield back on, the sunglasses back in their usual place. aziraphale sees him do so, and has the faintest, hopeful smile on his face; because he thinks that crowley has finally gotten what aziraphale was trying to convey to him - and so, now, they're going to leave the shop together, go to heaven together, and work together to fix heaven into what it always should have been... and along the way, grant them the freedom to do whatever the hell they want to do, and do it in peace. crowley however shatters that; he steps out from around aziraphale, and wishes him luck... and aziraphale realises that they are not in fact on the same page, and actually now whatever was holding on by a thread might have finally snapped.

okay look if you've made it this far - first of all how and why, you madman, this was stupidly long and convoluted... but also many kisses of gratitude unto you for sticking it out this long. i'm planning (if the dopamine gods remain with me) on doing a part 2 where i look at the last bit of the domestic, and the kiss, again - to see what i unearth there too, but thoughts so far:

aziraphale feels under threat from the metatron, and has to prioritise acquiescing to his request on pain of [redacted]

but he also knows that if the metatron knows that crowley is his pressure point, his only option is to try to a) convince the metatron that he (aziraphale) is completely on board, and docile, and b) convince crowley to come back with him, not only for his safety but also so they can be together, and because actually, to aziraphale's mind, the offer is a good thing, possibly something crowley has always secretly wanted, and crowley deserves it

alongside feeling threatened, aziraphale is wary that the metatron may be able to observe/hear their conversation. he therefore cannot say anything that would antagonise the metatron, cannot say anything that would suggest that aziraphale knows that the metatron is a Big Bad, and cannot let crowley in on the truth because crowley would question it too hard and endanger them both

aziraphale knows that crowley is about to confess his feelings, or something of a similar sentiment. aziraphale wants to hear it, but only when he can be sure that crowley will come back to heaven with him, where he can be safe in a position of power, right by aziraphale's side

when crowley begins to resist the idea, and battles back with a plan of this own for them to be together, aziraphale a) has to impress upon him that going back to heaven, and potentially fixing it in their image (lmao god complex much, aziraphale?) is the right thing to do, especially if they are to have any kind of future together, and b) has to do so, again, in a way that won't alert crowley that something more nefarious might be going on. regardless, they both operate on the understanding that they want to be together

however. the one major miscommunication in the entire part of the first sequence is "nothing lasts forever" - this particular part is practically the repeat of the different exactlies from episode 1

ok bye

#good omens #feral domestic/final fifteen meta #metatron spec #aziraphale meta

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