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egotisticalmachine · 6 months

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sorry to ask you to ‘diagnose’ me, but lately ive been finding that i really really heavily relate to a lot of pwNPDs posts. ive also noticed thought patterns i have with my non-system splitting (thoughts go from ‘i am the most victimized person ever in the world’ to ‘i am the most horrible abuser that ever existed’).

i wanted to ask how you got diagnosed/started seeking information on NPD. i want to perhaps bring these thought patterns up the my therapist, but im unsure how to (esp since she has used the term “narcisstic abuse” in reference to experiences ive had)

any advice?

thank you for your patience, my life is very busy these days and i dont have a whole lot of time for tumblr, but i dont want you to think this is unimportant to me.

to be clear, im self diagnosed, and not planning on seeking a professional diagnosis, so i can only really walk you through doing your own research and self reflection and tips i can imagine would be helpful for seeking a diagnosis if you choose to do so. im aware my choice is somewhat controversial, and i would be happy to list out all my reasoning in a separate post, but i feel like that would be really fucking long (and kind of bitter tbh) and this is already gonna be a doozy. my main point is that if youre going to self diagnose, itll take a lot of research and thought; and if youre going to seek a prof diagnosis, itll take research and thought as well but youll also need to take into account the trustworthiness of whoever you turn to for help. if you go the prof dx route, i wish you nothing but the best of luck.

but onto my own process.

first, the DSM-5. a free PDF of the entire thing can be found here. make sure to read over the first part defining personality disorders as a whole, as well as the section on narcissistic personality disorder ofc, AND the disorders that it can often be mistaken for, which are listed under "Differential Diagnosis". take note of any that it seems you might fit the criteria for instead, or in addition. remember that NPD can be comorbid with many other conditions, as long as it isnt directly negating the diagnosis, such as narcissistic traits only being during episodes of mania.

please note though that the DSM-5 is still written from an outsider perspective. while it is ultimately the outline for a diagnosis, its not exempt from framing us in a negative light. for example - my lack of empathy isnt the result of any "unwillingness", i literally just have a lower capacity to empathize with others than the average person does. i can fake it, most of the time, but i cant force the real thing.

the DSM-5 also focuses mainly on pwNPD who are more outwardly grandiose, while ignoring those of us who dont present that way. for the most part im not a very "arrogant, haughty" person because ive learned thats not how i get my needs met. i may sometimes accidentally sound patronizing without realizing it, or i might unmask in safe environments and let myself be healthily arrogant (like playfully boasting and half-joking about everyone loving me), but on the whole i avoid it because in my experience, people like me better when im humble. even if im often arrogant internally, i filter myself. im not particularly grandiose now, but i used to be even less so - i was more of what gets referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, displaying (very often excessive by the standards of social acceptability, but still usually genuine) emotional vulnerability to others in the hopes of getting comfort and attention, and often placing myself into the "inferior" social rung that i believed everyone else wrongly saw me as because i felt that if i tried to take the "superior" position i "rightfully deserved" i would be hated for it. now i would say im in between grandiose and vulnerable, but still not as grandiose as whats described in the DSM-5.

also, consider the ways the criteria might apply in ways that may differ from whats described, or what immediately comes to mind. the "Diagnostic Features" section describes pretty specific scenarios, and i know i personally sometimes struggle to think beyond the examples im given. are the "special people" you associate with morally or creatively or spiritually special? do you exhibit entitlement by not doing assignments and being surprised by the consequences, or by expecting someone else in the household to handle the chores because youre busy, without considering that theyre busy too, maybe even busier? does your need for admiration apply to art you create, jokes you tell, facts you share?

TLDR for those last four paragraphs: the DSM-5 is absolutely the starting place for research, but doesnt encompass the entirety of the narcissistic experience. which is where the next step comes in -

keep researching. this step is... very, very difficult. the sad truth is youll mostly see articles about how horrible narcissists apparently are. youve probably already seen much of this and im sorry. theres not really any way to avoid it, because even resources that can offer actual help tend to have at least a degree of disdain for us. ive seen some pwNPD recommend the works of dr daniel fox, such as his worksheets available for free online, and if they might be helpful i encourage you to utilize those; however even his youtube channel is incredibly villainizing, at least based on the thumbnails (I Am Not Clicking On That Shit) so i really cant take him seriously and wont be giving him any of my money. please just be cautious wading through everything and remember that, whether you have NPD or just narcissistic traits, you arent the monster these people want to frame you as.

i wish i could remember every article that helped me along the way, but the biggest one i always recommend to ANYONE who wants to learn more about NPD is the one ill link here, Narcissus And The Daffodils. the authors use the checklist linked here to go into detail describing the spectrum of narcissistic experiences. the checklist is built using the DSM-5 criteria, essentially reworded, restructured, and added to in order to offer a more thorough understanding of NPD.* the authors elaborate on the checklist to explain how those criteria tie in with the experiences described.

*while the checklist is described as a potential tool for self diagnosis, i firmly believe it cant be your only resource to do so, and im unsure if that was the intention of the creators, who do openly state that they arent professionals. however, i still consider this a very helpful resource.

as an additional note: NatD touches on three different forms of empathy, emotional, cognitive, and compassionate. after doing a lot of research on the subject, my conclusion is that nobody can fucking agree on how to categorize and label different forms of empathy, but the categorization is still helpful for me and many others. basically, whats being said is helpful, just prepare to be confused if you try to research further because that model of empathy isnt the only one out there.

beyond that, you kind of just have to keep on trucking. sift through the bullshit. use your critical thinking skills, consider what info might actually be helpful and what might just be hateful and able to be disregarded. try to keep seeking out pwNPD, but also be cautious that even some pwNPD arent going to give the best info (r/NPD sucks ass and so does the associated discord holy fuuuuuuuuuck, absolutely toxic community and also not very queer friendly). and you mentioned relating to posts made by pwNPD, so it sounds like youve already been seeking out communities, and hopefully youve been finding good ones! im certain other pwNPD have more resources than what im able to offer as well.

TLDR for the past five paragraphs: research research research, keep your wits about you, think for yourself, seek out healthy communities, and dont let the shitheads get you down.

this will also take a lot of self reflection. you need to consider how your symptoms affect your daily life, your interpersonal relationships, your private moments. can you pinpoint when this started; was it sudden, or have these traits been building up over time? what might have caused all of this, what did your youth look like, what does your life look like now? how have you been praised? how have you been hurt? what were your parents or guardians like?

professionals arent 100% certain of what causes NPD, but there are patterns - genetics, upbringing, trauma. look at your roots just as much as your branches, so to speak. some pwNPD were praised too much as a child, made to feel more important than others. some had their needs neglected. some experienced both. im sure there are other factors im forgetting to list, so again, go listen to other pwNPD and see if anything they say clicks with you. ill use myself as an example below for the sake of explaining one of many many ways NPD can develop, but thatll touch on childhood emotional abuse and trauma, without going into too much detail. if thats still upsetting to read about, feel free to skip the next paragraph.

growing up i was both put on a pedestal for my achievements and talents (like getting good grades or being cute) and devalued for anything that was inconvenient or undesirable (like being easily scared or making mistakes), so i learned subconsciously that i was somehow innately superior to my peers but also that my superiority was conditional and i was innately flawed. i moved houses constantly, so i didnt get to learn how to develop lasting friendships, and my detachment made it far too easy for me to see people as temporary sources of attention and entertainment and not much else, easy to discard without any trouble once our time was up. even once my family settled down in my teen years, they still maintained an idea that i was better than my friends. my mother in particular was manipulative, so i learned to be manipulative too - i became calculated in how i spoke and behaved, tugged at heartstrings, and outright lied countless times, all as a survival mechanism as it became harder and harder to meet the expectations placed on me. i couldnt depend on the same easiness of childhood i had grown up with, especially with other obstacles like schizophrenia in the way of my grades, but i hadnt been taught how to work for success and didnt have the support to succeed, i just felt entitled to it, it felt like something innate to me. and while all these family and school troubles were happening, and eventually work troubles, i had my trust broken many times by many people (often BECAUSE my drive for attention led me to stick around awful people and put up with hurtful behavior), and this reinforced my misanthropic idea that i must be better than other people, but that i have to prove im not below them.

aside from just shamelessly liking to talk about myself - im sure i can be honest with you here lmao - im saying all this to illustrate a very important aspect of my self diagnosis process. i am able to pinpoint a VAST array of experiences from my youth, including plenty that i didnt even mention here, which contributed to the development of my symptoms and influence my current day behavior and psyche.

which means, going back to the tree analogy, i can connect my roots to my branches. i can recognize the symptoms i experience, the branches, and i can trace back down to the experiences that led to those symptoms, the roots. that helped me to better rule out other possible causes for those symptoms - i dont experience low empathy solely because of my autism, even if that is a factor, but specific events in my life further lowered my empathetic ability beyond what it potentially could have been. i dont feel superior as a symptom of mania, both because its a constant feeling and because i can explain how that feeling was instilled in me.

dont feel bad if you cant pinpoint everything like this. like i said, it takes a lot of self reflection, and if theres trauma involved, itll probably be a painful process. its ongoing too, there are still moments that i suddenly make a connection between a branch and a root. and mental illnesses as a whole are complex, because the brain is complex, and life is complex. and, again, genetics are believed to be a factor, so it could be possible that if you have NPD, you may have had a lot fewer developmental experiences that led into it, but experts just really arent 100% sure about all the facts. all i can tell you is my own experience.

and of course, i know ive already said it plenty of times, but focus on those branches too. really really consider how your symptoms impact you and how well they may line up with NPD or potentially something else. i know that i have full certainty in my self diagnosis, but i know that wont be the case for everyone and even with your own personal certainty, you might still want a professional diagnosis. again, if you choose to seek that, i wish you only the best and i hope youre treated with nothing but the highest respect and dignity.

so my tips for that prof dx as someone without one. first and foremost in this section: gonna have to say your current therapist is a no-go. its not impossible to change someones mind about narcissistic abuse, but its also sadly not all that likely on your own, and more importantly it isnt your job when youre just trying to get help for a potential disorder. there are websites where you can search for specialists (dont use psychologytoday), but i know when i tried on a site i sadly forget the name of, i didnt get any results, so i dont know how many options are out there and listed on these sites.

your next option is probably word of mouth. reaching out to NPD communities, asking who can be trusted. but, given how small the community is, and that you dont want to doxx yourself and might not feel safe asking people you know irl, thatll probably be difficult too. there may be listings somewhere by pwNPD, but im unaware of any.

i think the next best option is just to reach out to therapists in your area, or just as far as youre willing/able to travel, or as far as theyll take telehealth appointments - and ask them some questions. do some doctor shopping. this is an important decision and you need to know you can trust the person youll be opening up to. i would start by simply asking if they treat people with narcissistic personality disorder. some therapists may simply not have the expertise to offer such treatment, while others may actively refuse to do so, but either way, you want that yes/no answer. if they do treat pwNPD, you can continue to ask questions about their goals in treating pwNPD, the processes they use, their success rates with these patients.

i would be cautious in asking any questions that might even POSSIBLY come off as accusatory. directly asking a therapists opinions on narcissistic abuse may result in them slotting you into the "victim complex" role, or them feeling like theyre being put on the defense, even if they dont hold those beliefs. even those who dont see us fully as villains can still see us poorly. try to ask questions that are more common to what anyone would ask while researching a therapist, and take note of anything that seems off, or of if they seem particularly safe and affirming.

also!! please consider your insurance, if you have it! all my recent doctors have been referrals from other doctors, but in the past ive had to go on the site for my insurance and find a list of doctors who would take it. alternatively, you could ask upfront if they take your insurance.

beyond all this, i dont think theres any other advice i can give you. so ill give the floor to anyone who might have anything else to add, any resources, articles, websites, therapists, advice, words of encouragement, polite corrections to anything i might have gotten wrong.

if you read this far, thank you for your time, and thank you for trusting me to offer my help. i hope i could steer you in the right direction, because the sea is fucking rough out there. whether its NPD or something else youre struggling with, im happy to help you out, even if it takes me some time to reply. and once more for good measure: i wish you the best of luck, dignity, and care.

#asks #advice #teefiesworld #also ill put this in the tags since the post is mainly addressing diagnosis and research #but like. id kind of had NPD on the back of my mind for A While before actually researching it #like ''hmmm maybe i should look into that. nahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh''#''why do i struggle so much to consider others? why do i detach so easily? why do i obsess over praise? oh well nbd lol''#and i didnt give it much thought bc i didnt present very grandiosely #until eventually it gnawed at my brain enough that i researched vulnerable narcissism and had an entire breakdown of my self perception #over the course of. idk however long it took me to come to terms with my narcissism #its so funny bc i think people see treating NPD as involving a decrease in grandiosity #but for me i had to learn to INCREASE my grandiosity bc i was suppressing it so hard it was detrimental to me #all about striking that balance #not to say ive like. cured myself or whatever. but im absolutely way healthier than i used to be #bc i learned to identify those branches and roots and started adjusting my behavior #idk im ramblingggg but you asked about how i started seeking info and like #i dunno it was just kinda. i couldnt keep ignoring my symptoms and started with vulnerable narcissism and the DSM-5 and on from there iirc #btw imagine im telling you all this in like the corner of a cafe over some hot drinks n pastries or what have you. my digital treat to u

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bangcakes · 4 months

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#uh.... LOL so yada yada yada u know what im gonna talk about JDJDJD GOD HELP ME #i just realized........... that u know. usually on the 15th (bc timezones) im like super hype bc sjs birthday #but LMAO........ i so happen to be seeing.... my .... crusheroo on that day so Zjxjdjkdkdkd HOW LIFE CHANGES WOW #i didnt realize til i saw a bday (old) set of sj n i was like WAIT FUCK DID I MISS HIS BDAY. ONLY TO REALIZE. IT WAS THE SAME DAY....#hhhh but god. ya i did it. i survived a whole month without seeing him. but like bc we message or whatever occasionally (and my #frequent daydreaming lets be real) it didnt feel that long !!! wow !! proud !!@#like realistically i knew i could do it bc i went like. 4 months without seeing him JDJJDJDJDJD #god imagine. i spent the whole summer trying to get over him. only to see him 1 time n have everything come back #but WORSE. BC. RECIPROCATION?????????#god lmao. feel like im never gonna be over this. feel like i could even be married to him everyday n id be like WOW HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????#shits so weird idk. idk. im just NDJJDJDJDJD HOW DO WE GET TO THE NEXT STEP #BUT AT THE SAME TIME. I SHOULD GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER. GOD ITS SO DJFJFKKFKDKDKDKKD #like this is what its like to really like someone huh. all those other crushes i had were like.... a 0 in comparison #like wtf is this. when everyone else had crushes and liked ppl is This what they meant. jfc #idk if i could go thru this again JDJDJJDJDJD. hope hes it. ya #id promise to save everyone n never talk about this again but we both know thats not gonna happen ANDNDNDNDND #personal

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

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volinare · 9 months

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enjoy this unflattering photo.

#why does my finger look so wierd #'nobody cares'#well it was a retorical question #i need to go get my meds.#but i have. to walk #well i could drive but its like just up the street so it #for somereson feels like more effort to drive? like id have to get in the car and park and then like being in a car in the city is so weird #and i should enjoy my knees while i have them i guess lol #it was such an off hand comment like idk if it was real or bot im way to autistic for this #uHg the show today.#bad.#not the worst ever like not even clise #but id prefer if it didnt exist ever at all!#'are you having trouble accepting things you cant control' oh SHUT the fUCK up #crazy bitch hours on tumblr #maybe ill do a little nap before walking over #my sheets are so dirty :( but theres someone stayng in the main house so i like. cant use the machine #so theyll be dirty another weekend i guess idk how long these people are staying #i should ask..#me

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questingquasar · 1 year

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never stopped playing dbf after it idled, but late last year a long-time in-game friend reached out on discord to ask if i'd check out hoshikare with them. not sure why i didn't sooner.

exploring onii-chan and yandere dialogue has been fun. hearing dio freak out bc kagura sewed a frilly heart onto his apron (npc chats w/yandere bf) was delightful. unlocking past event album entries primarily for npc content is... well. too much.

i didn't need to fall this hard for the boys again, but here we are.

maybe i'll start posting doodles again. maybe i'll actually finish the silly desktop bg drawing i started weeks ago for valentines, lol. we'll see.

#questing for cuties #still enjoying the girlfriend game too just amused by how much the boyfriend game has taken hold of me again lol #maybe i should add my hoshikare id over where my dbf and dgf ids are? idk if it matters aha;;#(also after a lil scrolling... goddamn; it's been so long i only had four girls when i stopped posting here)#lots of catching up to do i guess lol

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roseband · 2 years

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#i don't know why but three days later i feel like.. .weird uneasy about my pulmonologist appointment #LIKE i felt so relieved after the appointment wednesday and now i'm second guessing it and being like.. .but am i ok doe???#bc he was like rlly lax about everything and after catscan he's certain that the increased artery pressure in my lungs is from my heart #being a little wonky and pumping back some blood the wrong way #and not from the artery itself which... it's not the /dangerous bad gonna kill you/ type #(which is what my cardio said too)#but with how both my cardiologist and gyno reacted to that echo result im like... uh hhh should i be seeing a different lung doctor #i mean i gotta go back to the lung doctor in 6 months for a repeat of the lung function and stress test to see if results are same #idk?????? like i saw my gyno in passing for a prescription refill and he had 0.0 face about that result #cuz my pulmonary pressure on my echo was 41.........and i was warned by my cardio that that's shanking borderline #and the pulmonary doctor didn't even mention SHANK like did i need to be shanked???#like id rather be shanked if it confirmed that my lungs won't make me throw a clot thank u very much multiple relatives of mine have #had strokes and they SUCK #i see him next wednesday for my 6 months checkup which... im planning to have a long discussion about my pills with him #bc he's SO weirdly protective of me bc he dealt with the fallout of my mom's stroke 30 years ago #and also was the one who sent her out for her cancer referrals (i love my family but holy shit we're cursed)#like i've been seeing him for a decade tho... so i trust him fully..... LOL #so i'll just mention this to him too... cuz also like... heart valve wonk also affects if i wanna have bio kids #(also doctor that deals with babies may know of a different gene place i can go to bc im on waitlists lol)#wow i lik....e.... kermit... this is not fair LOL...#i should just trust the lung doctor... but i will ask my hooha doctor about what the lung doctor said to be safe LOL #personal

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theangelcatalogue · 1 month

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WHAT'S WRONG? || YANDERE FRANCIS X READER! || ★!

★ - Romantic or Platonic(?)!

★ - Gender Neutral reader!

★ - One shot!

★ - Before we start: Idk why i did this, but i saw fics of him, and people going crazy over him, so why not?? I don't even write for that's not my neighbour, but i love the game! So let' go! Also sorry if is confusing! My mind is kinda tired and idk why i wrote this at 1AM(Is i wrote this at 1AM, remade some parts and posted it at 2AM) (Pls check Tw before reading it! <3)

★ - TW: YANDERE, DOPPELGANGER, BLOOD, BAD ENGLISH, BAD GRAMMAR AND MADE BY A MINOR!!! PLEASE TELL ME IF I MISSED SOMETHING!!!

˚๑ ✦ Y/N!!! ✦ ๑°

・・・ ★ ・・・

︶ ꒷ ︶ ꒷ ꒦

Just a normal day in work!

This work is not that bad, i mean, i have to focus in every single neighbor, check some papers and be careful because some of than can be actually doppelgangers that will kill me and the persons that live here? Yeah-

But is guess i am getting used to it! And some neighbors are really nice! And others are just weird and rude! But what i can do? People are like that!

It's kinda weird that no one is showing up now, but i can have some time to rest now! Just me, a good coffee and my jornal/book(it can be a jornal or a book!)

Now i am just reading, waiting for anyone, i mean the today's list is short today! Lucky me i guess? I get kinda focused in the reading, the content is kinda depressing and boring, but is what i have for now

" Hello Y/n. "

I heard someone saying, Oh! I can't forget this voice!

" Francis! Tired as always? Well, let's see if you are in todays list! "

I said not taking the eyes of my jornal/book, i am lucky that Francis is the one who showed up! He is kinda nice! Just a tired guy but hey! He is a hardworker!

" Sounds good for me. Here is my entry request and ID "

I could notice him giving the papers, now i notice his hand is kinda dirty and his voice is kinda off, more tired than usual...

" Oh! Thanks- "

I respond him finally taking my eyes of the book, now i can see Francis better let's say, he is covered in a red liquid with a weird smell

It is what i am thinking? Oh yeah! A doppelganger! But i never thought a doppelganger would commit a error like that, why blood...? Some are a missing eye, others just say peach and others are a long neck and etc, what if is not a doppelganger...?

" What's wrong Y/n? Something wrong about the papers? "

He says noticing that i am kinda nervous, i just pick the papers and the clickboard as usual, first thing to question?

His looks.

" Francis! What happend? You are corvered in...what is that? Can you explain? "

Francis just looks at his outifit and then back at me, the same tired look, but something about the way he looks at me is different, i can't tell what is

" Oh this? It's a new milk! Scarlett Milk! It's a Milk with Red coloring, and Yes, it's food coloring! Not used in clothes... "

" Really Francis? So tell me! How did you got corvered in...Scarlett Milk...? "

He was getting tired of me questioning i guess, okay, i have three options!

1. It's really a milk with food coloring

2. It's a doppelganger

3. Francis is a killer or just got crazy

Please let it be 1-

" Accident at work. Just that, can i go in? "

He asks me looking at me deep at the eyes, i feel like he is judging all my sins, i break the eye contact and look at the Red button and then at the phone

Should i call the police or my boss?

" Look Y/N, i am really tired, just let me in, so i can go take a shower and rest. Maybe after you are done, you can go to my room, drink some coffee together! I heard is your favorite drink, what about a coffee with milk uh? "

He says to me, i think he is getting impatient

OH REALLT Y/N L/N!? DON'T TELL ME

" I- "

" Come on darling. "

He gets closer to the window, supporting his one of his arms in the glass

" Let. Me. In "

✦ - NOTES!!!

✮ " Sky wtf was that? " I DON'T KNOW LOL ✮

✮ The fandom go crazy about him gosh ✮

✮ Okay should i write for TNMN??? ✮

✮ Anyways have a good day my loves! <33 ✮

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captainfern · 1 year

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Hello 👋 is it alright if I request an extra fluff/smut piece for Ghost? With the idea of mutual pining, playing peacocks around each other etc. My idea is something like : SO is good at either playing the guitar or singing, and we know Ghost can play the guitar so maybe SO shows off while in private with him or with the whole grp in the rec room or smth , maybe SO starts showing off and then Ghost joins in w his lil skill? idk it doesnt make a lot of logical sense but id like to think its cute...

Ps: I am absolutely going mad for your writings, they are so so good ! Thank you for sharing your art and talent with us ❤️🫰🏻

Sorry if you dont like the idea, keep safe and have a lovely day 💞

Nothing Else Matters

Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x fem!reader

[“Nothing Else Matters” by Metallica]

[18+]

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• summary - ghost teaches you how to play a song on the guitar. he rewards you for listening so well lol. • rating - 18+ • wordcount - 3.8k • warnings - fem!reader, fingering, soft!ghost, HEAVY praise, a lil sprinkle sprinkle of a size kink, fluff, the mask stays on 🙏

✿ ok but i lowkey struggled writing this idek why 😭 oh well thank you for the ask anon i love this idea fr!! i changed it up a lot, but i hope it's still ok :)

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For the past few weeks, you had been watching your lieutenant strum at his acoustic guitar after long, strenuous missions. He'd keep his mask on, ripping one skeletal glove off to change notes as his gloved hand strummed and plucked at the strings.

You'd sit across from him in the rec-room, just watching, curled up on the couch next to Gaz, who would be elatedly telling Ghost about songs he should learn on the guitar.

You'd watch his ungloved fingers; how they'd wrap around the neck of the guitar, pressing and moving around the chords. You'd watch his gloved hand; how, despite the fabric, it moved fluidly to brush a tune from the taut strings.

Ghost would hum along, too. Eyes flickering to either watch his hand movements, or stare absent-mindedly into the distance, long blond eyelashes fluttering.

One day, the taskforce returned from yet another stressful mission. Battered and bruised, the five of you wandered into the barracks with separate objectives to relax yourselves. Price disappeared into his office, Soap and Gaz to their respective rooms. That left you and Ghost to idle in the rec-room.

Ghost immediately picked up his guitar, having left it on the couch, and sat down. He drummed his fingers on the hollow body for a moment, staring at the floor. You watched him from the doorway, and he looked up, sensing your eyes on him.

You shied away under his gaze, dropping your head nervously. "Sorry, I–"

"You can watch," he said simply. "It's okay."

You smiled at him, entering the rec-room and taking a seat on the couch opposite. With his mask still on, he bit at the tips of his fingers and pulled his glove off with his teeth, dropping it beside him. He rested his ungloved hand around the neck of his guitar, rubbing his fingers along the fingerboard.

You watched the movements. He looked up at you. You felt the heat of embarrassment prickle at the back of your neck.

"You play?" He asked genuinely, nodding to his guitar.

You shook your head. "No, no. I just... I just like watching you play. You seem to really enjoy it."

He hummed, something like an mhm, but his voice was deep and, in all honesty, it distracted you.

"Helps me reduce stress," he told you, tampering with one of the pegs for a second. "Calms me down."

He then began to play. It was somewhat of a familiar tune, with gentle strumming. His fingers moved fluidly across the fingerboard, and you cocked your head as you watched, reclining further into the couch. You were still in your gear, dirty and flushed with sweat, but you were relaxed– heart calming as you listened to Ghost's song.

You really didn't want to interrupt him, but the intrigue to know the song was almost overwhelming. He clearly could sense it as, without even looking at you, or pausing the movement of his gloved hand, he said: "Nothing Else Matters."

"Metallica?"

"Mhm." The same, deep hum.

You smiled, small. His picking hand was doing most of the work as the chords thrummed together, the song drifting softly around the rec-room. You felt sleepy– like he was sending you to sleep with some sort of lullaby. But you didn't allow yourself slumber, continuing to watch as your lieutenant played.

Halfway through a chord, he stopped. He looked over at you, eyes framed by that signature black paint, and nodded down at his guitar. "You like Metallica?"

You shrugged. "I like that song. Slower. Calmer."

He nodded slowly, eyes flitting back down to his hands for a second, before he looked back up at you. "You wanna play it?"

You shook your head, sitting up. "I don't know how, lieutenant."

"I'll teach you." He said, patting the space on the couch next to him.

You were hesitant to move, fidgeting with your fingers. He was waiting patiently, a hand resting on the fraying couch cushion, the other holding his guitar to his chest.

You sighed. "Look, I haven't even gotten changed, and I probably need a shower–"

"Sit down, sergeant," he said, almost jokingly. "I've been in the military a long time. Dirt and sweat is the least of my worries."

You bit your lip, but abided. You crossed the room, sitting down beside him. He shifted his body so that you could see his hands and the guitar. You watched closely as he guided you through the different chords, teaching you the basics of where to put your fingers.

You followed his ungloved hand with curious eyes, watching the way his fingers flexed, veins in his hands shifting with each press to a string. A sliver of tattoo poked out of his sleeve, along the edge of his wrist. The sight of the ink made your heart flutter.

"Easy enough, yeah?" He concluded, and you realised that you hadn't been paying attention for the past few minutes.

"Uh, yeah." You whispered, before he placed the guitar in your lap. You wiggled to get comfortable, but the way his eyes travelled up and down the length of your sitting frame was making you uncomfortably warm.

"Alright, now start like I showed you," Ghost said, voice low. "Two fingers like– yeah, perfect– and that's Em. Then you'll move into D with– good– then quickly into C– that's it, good."

You moved your trembling fingers, spurred on by his soft praise. You could feel his body heat beside you, radiating. You swallowed thickly, concentrating on moving your hands in tandem, picking up the slow rhythm.

"Now G– yeah– then B– three fingers, there you go, that's it– now back to Em– perfect, well done."

You paused. He had to be doing that on purpose.

"You picked that up pretty well, sergeant." He said.

"I barely managed that one verse," You groaned, flexing your already aching fingers. "Moving my fingers from Em into... uh..."

"D."

"D, right. I'm struggling getting my fingers into position in time." You said, and Ghost nodded next to you, moving closer.

He put a hand on your shoulder and turned you so that your back was to him, pressing against his chest. He wrapped one arm around your side, gripping the neck of the guitar.

"Just watch my hand." He said, masked mouth so close to your ear that you wanted to whimper.

His other hand moved around you, too. He began to strum, slowly, as you watched the movement of his ungloved hand. Effortlessly, he moved between chords, and you watched how he shifted the positioning of his fingers.

"You just have to take it nice and slow," he whispered. "There's no rush. You're learning. Here, you try."

He moved his hand, but kept his gloved one in place. "I'll strum. You focus on the chords."

Well, you couldn't focus on anything with how close he was to you. But, nevertheless, you tried. You did it exactly how he showed you: carefully moving your fingers across the fingerboard, two fingers to three, from one chord to another. You did it a few times as Ghost plucked at the strings.

Each time you failed to transition smoothly between chords, he'd murmur in your ear: "almost", "nearly there", "that's okay, try it again."

When you finally nailed the transition a few times, you hid your glee as he praised you: "that's it", "there you go", "good girl."

The last praise made your fingers stutter, and you prayed he didn't notice. But after half an hour of learning the basics, you decided it was time to get some rest. So, you thanked Ghost, bid him goodnight, and headed off towards the showers, skin warm and mind buzzing.

Ghost watched you go.

Of course he noticed the way you reacted to his voice, his praise.

He had always loved the way you watched him play. Sitting next to Gaz, watching on so intrigued, big eyes following each languid movement of his hands. He liked looking up and catching you staring, only for you to look elsewhere– at your hands, the floor. He liked seeing you nervous.

Ghost especially liked teaching you how to play. Who wouldn't?

Watching the way your brows lightly furrowed as you concentrated, how your hands, so much smaller than his, wrapped around the neck of the guitar and pressed down on the fingerboard. He'd observe the way you bit your lip when you had to focus particularly hard: changing chords, for one thing.

Then, when he pressed you to him, the warmth of your body– even through your military gear– was astounding. He could feel your breathing against his chest, hear the way you sighed through your nose when you got a chord wrong. He really loved when he spoke, close to your ear, and your body tensed for just a second. A second that made Ghost thankful for the thick material of his cargo pants.

He'd always had this juvenile crush on his sergeant. He whittled it down to being a man working with an attractive woman in an adrenaline-fuelled environment. Nothing more.

But having you so close to him, letting him teach you and speak softly in your ear, made him realise that–

"Fucking hell..." Ghost grumbled, placing the guitar to the side and running a hand down his face.

Thinking of you, he could already feel the blood in his body begin to head southward. He stood up, realising that it was time for bed.

And probably a cold shower.

•º•

The next couple of weeks, something in the air between you and your lieutenant had changed.

Maybe you were imagining things, maybe you weren't. But your interactions with your superior had shifted and you wondered if anyone else noticed it too.

Ghost had been continuing to teach you how to play. He was adamant for you to complete the entire song, and every couple of days, he would invite you back into the rec-room and pick up where you left off. You were getting the hang of it, actually.

But other mannerisms of his changed, also. He was gentler with you, spoke quieter, ensured you were okay more often. His orders to Soap and Gaz were abrupt, loud. His orders to you were quieter, less of a shout, usually paired with a gentle squeeze of your shoulder.

He'd pop his head into your room, asking how you were. You would tell him that you're fine. He would reply skeptically, "let me know if you need anything, okay?"

It all seemed confusing. This big, hulking figure of a man with a skull-face balaclava treating you like some kind of porcelain doll. But, you weren't complaining, and Ghost noticed that.

He'd have to be blind not to take notice.

Your pretty smile when you thanked him for something. Your sparkling gaze when you looked up at him. Your subconscious efforts to get closer to him– sitting beside him at briefings, pairing up with him on a mission, asking him for help when you needed it.

Ghost was basking in your presence and enjoying every second of it.

So when another guitar lesson came around, Ghost was eager to see how well you were doing. He was impressed by how fast you had picked it up, smiling when you managed a near perfect run-through of the song a couple of nights ago. Thank fuck for the mask, he thought.

"I think I've almost got it." You beamed, flopping down beside him on the couch.

He smiled under his mask, handing you his guitar. "You think?"

You nodded excitedly, positioning yourself so you were facing him. He watched as you began to play, the tune slower than he played it, but still good. Meanwhile, you were burning up on the inside– the way he was watching you play making you flush. You knew he wasn't even looking at the movement of your hands. He was looking at your face, your expressions. You screwed your eyes shut, losing focus and messing up the chord transition. You cursed under your breath.

"Still having trouble with the Em to D, huh?" Ghost asked, cocking his head to the side and resting his hands on his knees.

The transition was difficult, but you had been practising. The reason you had messed up was because your lieutenant was looking at you like that–

Soft eyes, long lashes, semi-lowered eyelids, smudges of black paint, gloved hands on his knees, large thighs pressed to the couch.

Oh my God, you thought.

Ghost chuckled lowly, as if he could hear your thoughts. That scared the shit out of you, but when he shifted his position, taking the guitar from you, you sighed, relieved.

"I'll run you through it one more time," he said, proceeding to show you the smooth, seamless transition of his fingers. You looked on, attempting to be subtle as you pressed your thighs together, warmth gathering. What the hell. "Think you can manage that?" He asked.

You hesitated to nod, chewing on your bottom lip.

Ghost followed the movement for a split second, snapping his gaze back to your eyes as you opened your mouth to speak.

"Could you... could you help me?"

"'Course," he said quickly, shuffling back on the couch and spreading his thighs. You moved between them, sitting with your back to his chest. Comfortable, as he placed the guitar on your lap and urged you to take hold. He covered your hands with his. "Two fingers to three, sergeant. Easy does it."

He guided you through it.

You were successful in each movement of your fingers.

"There you go, good girl. You've got it, haven't you?" Ghost said in your ear as you strummed, continuing through the verses.

You played for him, still perched between the mass of his thighs, his broad chest moving against your back as he breathed. He had moved his hands away from yours. They rested on your waist, holding you lightly as you played. His thumbs soon rubbed circles in time with your plucking, right on the curve of your hips. Only now did you realise he had taken off both of his gloves.

Tentatively, his hands moved around your hips, then waist to your stomach. He pushed you, carefully, further against his chest as he tucked his head onto your shoulder. You sighed through your nose, trying not to whine as you progressed through Nothing Else Matters.

"Doing so good, sergeant. So good," he whispered, hands splayed warmly across the shape of your tummy. His breath was warm against your neck, your ear, even through his mask. You shuddered against him, but didn't lose your concentration. "You like me teaching you things, hm?"

You allowed yourself a small whine, followed by a nod. He huffed a quiet laugh against your shoulder, sliding his hands back to your hips. He grabbed onto you, pulling your backside flush to his pelvis, making you gasp. Your fingers stopped.

"Keep playing, baby," he cooed into your ear, voice thick and rich with praise and lust. You obeyed, picking up where you left off. He circled your hips with his fingers, before allowing them to slide back to your front, sitting on the buckle of your belt. "If you don't want–"

You cut him off. "Keep going."

He didn't say anything, but he popped your belt open as you resumed playing. He kept his head on your shoulder, watching your hands move as he unzipped your cargos and peeled them open. He slid one hand inside, cupping the front of you over your underwear. He waited and, when you said nothing, he slipped two fingers inside and dragged them towards your heat.

When his digits made contact with your wet core, both of you whined. You stopped, letting your fingers rest against the strings as he trailed his fingers up and down your slit a few times, sliding between the heat of your folds.

"So wet..." He drawled, two fingers snagging your dripping entrance, circling it. You arched against him, song long forgotten. You whined softly into the sudden quietness of the rec-room, and Ghost nuzzled his masked face into the crook of your neck.

"Come on, baby. Keep playing for me," he said, urging you to continue with a pause of his movements. With shaking fingers and a desperate sigh, you started again, rec-room no longer quiet. As you did that, he brought his fingers to your entrance and carefully pushed them inside.

You whined, missing a couple of chords. "Lieutenant–"

"Shh, baby, I know, you're doing so well," Ghost hushed, gently flexing his fingers inside you. "Just want you to finish the song, okay? You can do that for me, baby, I know you can."

Damn it.

Desperately ignoring his thick fingers inside you, you continued. You had just a couple more verses to go, but the fact you could hear your lieutenant huffing softly behind you wasn't doing you any favours.

"So good... so good..." He was muttering to himself, kissing the junction of your neck and shoulder through his mask. His fingers had a slow, but steady pace. He could feel droplets of your arousal running between the grooves of his knuckles. This made him even more hard– painfully so– in the confines of his thick cargos.

With one verse to go, you felt Ghost drag his other hand from your hip to your underwear. He dipped inside, running a finger up and down your folds to collect your arousal as his other hand worked your cunt. He moved his finger, callouses soaked, to your clit and pressed firmly. You keened, arching against him as he rubbed steady circles across the bundle of nerves. Your fingers were trembling against the guitar, warmth spreading rapidly through your body.

"That's it, almost there," Ghost muttered, and you weren't exactly sure if he was referring to the song or your climax. "Sounds so good, baby." Again, the song, or your noises of pleasure? You were surrounded in a muddled daze of him, and you were loving it.

When you completed the song, you were quick to discard the guitar onto the other end of the couch, leaning back against Ghost as he trapped you between his thighs, hands moving against you simultaneously. You released a breathy moan, and then felt the finger on your clit depart. It made home on your mouth, blocking your noises as Ghost fucked his fingers into your needy hole.

"Nice and quiet, sergeant. There you go..." Ghost said, hand on your mouth delicate as he cupped your face.

Your orgasm was approaching rapidly as you screwed your eyes shut, revelling in Ghost's presence behind you, and his fingers pumping into you. You were wet and aching for him, the pressure in your belly building with each timed thrust. His fingers dragged against your walls, rough yet gentle at the same time.

"Been such a good girl, listening to me," he whispered, fingers stroking your cheek as he muffled your mewls. "Think you can cum for me? Think you can cum 'round my fingers?"

You hummed against his hand, hips meeting the movements of his fingers. You were whimpering from the back of your throat continuously as the orgasm spread throughout your body, bubbling through your nerves as he ushered you closer and closer.

"Let go, baby, know you can," Ghost nudged the shape of his nose against your ear as he spoke, fingers to the knuckle inside you, and you whined out desperately. You came with a shunt and a shiver, cunt spasming around his fingers as you sobbed into the palm of his hand. "Atta girl, there you are. So good, baby. So good." He praised you, working you through the ripples of your orgasm.

You were breathing heavily against his hand when he retracted his other from your underwear. Carefully, he pulled his hand away from your mouth, too, stroking your face gently as you leaned back into him. He placed a couple of kissed on the angle of your jaw.

You could feel the hard imprint of his cock against the curve of your arse. You moved backwards, grinding against it, feeling his body stiffen behind you. He exhaled, letting a low fuck slip out of his mouth.

"Want you..." You whimpered, underwear cool and wet against your core, your blood pumping hot through your veins.

Once more, he placed kisses along your jaw and neck through the soft material of his balaclava. You turned your head to allow him better access, relishing in the warmth of his mouth ghosting across your sensitive skin.

"Not tonight," he muttered, and it sounded strained: as if he really, really wanted to. He continued to hold your hips, pressing you into him, keeping you secure on his lap. "You've been so good already, but not tonight. I think you need a bit more practise... maybe tomorrow I can give you another lesson."

You were nodding eagerly before he even finished the rest of his sentence.

•º•

The next day, you were sitting cross-legged on the couch, playing the guitar in the rec-room. The rest of the 141 had gathered, listening to you play a perfect rendition of Metallica's Nothing Else Matters.

After the final verse, Price, Soap and Gaz applauded you. You beamed, resting the guitar on your lap and thanking them. They noticed how hard you practised to learn the tune, and barraged you with a stream of compliments. After a little while, they left, leaving you in the rec-room with Ghost: sitting on the opposite couch, arm stretched across the back, watching you with glimmering eyes.

"You're amazing at that." He said, and you smiled nervously.

"I had an amazing teacher."

He scoffed, still looking at you dotingly. "Sure, but it was all you, pretty girl. The rest of the boys thought you did great."

You averted your eyes, suddenly bashful. When you looked back at him, his head was slightly cocked, analysing your expression. You mimicked the tilt of his head, and you knew then that he was smiling beneath his mask.

"I... I'd like to learn another song, if that's all right with you." You said, drumming your fingers lightly on the sleek wood of the guitar.

"Oh yeah?" He reclined on the couch, shifting his hips. You tried really hard to ignore the movement. "What song're you thinking of?"

You shrugged, biting your lip to hide a smile. "You can choose."

He stared at you for a moment, and you picked up the minuscule movement of his mask. He was smiling like an idiot beneath that stupid mask.

Then, he widened his legs, spreading them further. He pat one of his thighs, a couple of smacks to the solid muscle. "Come on then, pretty girl. I have a couple'a songs in mind."

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#captainfern #call of duty #fem reader #call of duty mw2 #ghost x reader #ghost call of duty #ghost x f!reader #simon ghost riley #simon riley x you #ghost cod #cod smut #captainfernsalutes #captain’smetallica

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wonustars · 6 months

Text

𝘚𝘦𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘰𝘭 ’𝘴 𝘓𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 (𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦𝘳)

“𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴, 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘴. 𝘪’𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶” - 𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘦’𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣𝘺 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘴𝘩

story inspirtation came from this poll pairing: c.sc x reader word count: estimated ~10k+ (this teaser: 983 words)

genre: friends to friends with benefits to lovers, slowburn, angst, fluff, smut (mdni)

summary: You and Seungcheol have been friends ever since you were kids. Growing up as neighbours, experiencing all the horrific adolescent moments in high school, and now going to the same University together. Even though you’ve denied it many times to your friends, part of you has always had feelings for him, not that you would ever say it out loud. He is the one person you can trust with anything and everything. So what happens when he propositions the idea of becoming friends with benefits? (the plot maybe change a little while i’m continuing to write but the overall theme will stay the same <;3)

tags: bestfriend!seungcheol, nonidol!au, university!au, female!reader, mutual pining, slow burn so painful you'll feel it in your toes, they are one year apart, SLIGHT like extremely miniscule wonwoo x reader (for the angst mwahahaha), seungcheol is a jealous jealous man, they're both idiots, jeonghan is a menace as always, seungcheol has a lot of pride, so does the reader, (i'll add more once its finished lol)

warnings/smut: this will be added on in the full post.

taglist: open! send an ask, dm, or comment to be tagged for when i post the full fic.

notes: long time no post everyone.... a LOT of people voted for an s.coups story on my poll so i'm here to deliver mwahahahaha...ALSO im so proud of the banner i made like udek i love how it looks hehhehe, i spent a good hour or so on it T-T ! i really have an urge to write a longer story, so idk when i'll be finished because it may take me a while to finish so sorry in advance. I just started writing and I was playing Mikee's Letters by Just Hush during it and so i thought id incorperate the song into the story, but barely lol (its a tagalog song so sorry if the translation is a lil rough my tagalog is not the most accurate). this story is SOOOOOO self indulgnet that it should be criminal lol BUT im really excited to write this and im really excited to share it with everyone,,, but first i actually got to finish it hehe. talk to u soon, mwah <3!

As long as you could remember you and Seungcheol have been attached to the hip. Even though he was a year older than you, you couldn’t remember the last time you spent a day without him. You’ve been in each others lives ever since then, starting all the way from the young, bright age of 5, when you and your family moved into the small, humble house across his. Although your parents weren’t very well off, Cheol was. It was an odd thing that you two were neighbours because his house was much more grand, and nicer kept than yours. This didn’t really bother you growing up though, he always made you feel like an equal.

Seungcheol has been with you through it all, the petty fights in middle school to the pains of adolescence in high school. He’s seen you at your worst, like the time you tripped and fell trying to impress a cute guy at school, which resulted in a nose bleed. You were so embarrassed but at the end of the day Cheol was there to help you clean your bloody nose and pick you back up. A true night and shining armor, which was practically his brand. He was the one to patch up your heart, breakup after breakup. Always your shoulder to lean on when you’re feeling down, and especially when you’re happy.

A man and bestfriend like Choi Seungcheol didn’t come around very often, and you took notice of that since you were young. You cherish every moment you have and will have with him. He is a true gentleman with a heart of gold. He’s handsome, smart, rich and caring. Every single box on your list is ticked off when it comes to him. Yet, you know that no matter how hard you love him, you will only ever be his bestfriend. The girl he sees as practically his younger sister. The bittersweet feeling of being so close to him tugs your heart till its torn. It took you a long time to accept that all you’ll ever be is his bestfriend, and even now, you’re still trying to accept this fact.

...

Seungcheol has always seen himself as your best friend. The man that will be there for you when you have no one else to turn to. He has never seen you as more than his best friend, his y/n. He is a man who never second-guesses himself, always keeping a strong-willed sense of mind. Every time one of his friends asked him if he had feelings for you, he would simply answer no; and that you were like a younger sister to him.

That first year was lonely for him, he didn’t really know anyone and all his classes kept him away from socializing. The only thing that seemed to have stayed constant was you. You face-timed him at least once a week before he went to bed, never forgetting to remind him how much you missed him, and how much you cared for him. In the simplest words, you were his rock for that first year.

Seungcheol was never warned about how lonely and jarring your first year could be. The change in place, people, and most importantly the change in the fact that you weren’t there experiencing it beside him. He was never one to believe clichè sayings, but he finally understood what the saying “distance makes the heart grow fonder” really felt like. He had gotten so overwhelmed from the loneliness he even began to write you letters, ones he would never actually send out, as cheesy as it sounds. But knowing that he was addressing them to you brought him some type of solace in that first year.

A year later you came to study at the same university, and he was elated, to say the least. Finally, he had thought to himself. The one person he hadn’t been able to see, smell, or touch for a year was finally going to be in his proximity.

Unlike Cheol, you were only able to go to this school through bursaries and scholarships, your parents simply just couldn’t afford to send you to school in a different city otherwise. It reminded you how lucky Seungcheol was to receive support from his parents, getting and going to school was nothing he had to ever think twice about. You knew you could’ve stayed with your family, and gone to school closer to your house, but with Cheol away, it just wasn’t the same. Nothing had felt the same since he left. But this didn’t matter to you the moment you felt his arms wrap around you again.

You stood there in the airport all alone, eyes searching for a head of freshly dyed blond hair. The moment you heard his voice call your name, you knew you were finally home.

“Y/n!” An excited, deep voice calls out for you.

You whip your head around to see him. The man you hadn’t seen in so long, the man you were so desperately in love with. Your best friend.

“Cheol!” A squeal escapes your lips, you run to him. He pulls you into a tight hug, wrapping his large hands around your smaller frame. Swinging you around like crazy, a laugh bubbles up from your throat.

“I’ve missed you so much y/n.” Cheol exasperates as he hugs you tighter, leaving a kiss on the top of your head.

“I’ve missed you too Cheol…” You whisper into his chest, breathing in his expensive cologne, not caring that you are in public; staying there to embrace him for a weirdly long period of time. “Never leave for that long again.”

#seventeen x reader #seventeen smut #seungcheol x reader #seungcheol smut #scoups smut #scoups #seungcheol #choi seungcheol #seventeen fanfic #seventeen fluff #seungcheol fluff #scoups fluff #scoups angst #seungcheol angst #seventeen angst #wonustars ✧ ﾟ. {works}#wonustars ✧.* {fics: seungcheol’s letters}

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candiid-caniine · 7 months

Note

Hey! Long time no see, i know i said id send you a fantasy i thought you'd like but now ive forgotten almost all of it, oop!

Life happened, and uh, i saw that you mentioned your libido being a bit low, which definitely is my case too (im recovering from depression, now that im okay id love to get my FULL libido back, or at least a good percentage of it) do you have any tips on that?

Also any recs of blogs writing in the same vibe as you? (same-ish kinks would be nice but im specifically looking for queer inclusive stuff!) it makes me 10x hornier than the regular video/photo porn!

Hope you're well, you pathetic little thing!

💫

hi friend!! ugh i feel you. sorry i haven't got any advice on regaining ur libido...we just let mine wax and wane as it will, though denial has been a big help in keeping it steady!

i've heard good things abt ginseng and some other herbs. obvs use at your own risk, mind that some herbal treatments can cross-interact with certain medications, remember that pre-packaged supplement pills are often unregulated and may contain toxins, and be aware that some herbal remedies work better on pw certain anatomy than others, and finally that many herbal remedies considered to increase libido are largely untested on trans folx!

finally, sorry it's taken so long to answer this ask...i'm autistic and have been cataloguing lol. i present to you a list of other blog recs under the cut, organized by general vibe! i've tried to primarily include blogs that do their own posts rather than those who primarily reblog :)

note that my headings may provide some context as to what to expect, but you read at your own risk and each blog will typically have its own trigger warnings addressed in the header/pinned. additionally, i've not tagged some of the ppl below because they prefer that "Men DNI" blogs not interact, and idk if "no cis men" qualifies ahah!

all blogs below are queer- and/or trans-inclusive, if not exclusive! there is no detrans/misgendering, at least I don't think - i don't tend to follow those blogs.

hard kinks (blood, knives, etc; includes primarily-cnc blogs):

@puppy-mommy , who also does general t4t kink content, but does state untagged hard kinks!

@visciousest is someone whose blog i scroll when i'm in a Certain Mood ahah,, i won't elaborate

@hell-hound-bites: just. fuck. would drool on his knife blade.

@snuff-fag: its username should give you fair warning as to how wild its content tends to get, so please browse responsibly.

@condor-bait is taking a break right now, and all my love is with him as he takes care of himself. he made me feel so valid and so fuckable as a young trans person learning to love myself in a new way, and i've always been too shy to tell him how much his content meant to me one-on-one (yes, despite its often-extreme themes!), and he deserves as much time as he needs to heal!

@unwillingfvckpuppy for mostly cnc and medical kinks! if you like his style, but not so much their harder content, he also has a more-tame main blog--i just mainly follow/scroll this one!

@vampvictim: top-tier cnc/intox stuff, plus some great knife/bloodplay :)

@cryptidtid is wonderful and holy shit i follow a lot of hard kink blogs lol. incredible

@cnc-pet: i have been following her for a long ass fucking time lol. they post a lot of really good cnc and stories, but you'll also find a lot of aftercare tips and advice on her blog! i really admire blogs who try to balance horny content with best practices

@dollobotomy

general kinky content:

@excessively-queer . just plain old good shit :) there's a good amt of edging and degradation.

@clouded-king was honestly one of my earlier introductions to the queer/t4t kink community on here and how fucking euphoric it can be :) he posts some hard kinks, but generally it's a balance of a lot of different kinks so read his pinned at your leisure!

@ / cottontailx : just good kinky nsft posts :)

@ / digitalpenetration: often specifically t4t which i love!!

@femmelovefemme can step on me :)

@bigothteddies: could not build this section w/o mentioning him :) they had a big influence on my fantasies for a long time!

@hazelj-xoxo: bigtime want her to cuck me. have followed her across multiple blog deletions lol

@transpidered is forever an icon!

@subspaceemo

@writefinch for great stories and text posts

edging and denial, specifically:

@6irlpet is 1 of my go-to hands-down-pants scroll sessions :)

@droolkink is my inspiration!

@flustersluts does exactly what the name implies lol. a good helping of other kink content too :)

@puppycvnt is a 10/10!

@barkwoofbarkwoofbark: we r denial friends imo!!

@strawbrrysub

@blyssful-abyss

@urhighnessbitch is a big fav <3

non-detrans genderplay:

@butchviolence does amazing butch supremacy stuff and i,,, fucking hell. even just seeing their username puts me in a Particular state of mind ahah. they also post hard kinks so be aware as you proceed!

@mtfdomme: i literally just reblogged from her today lol. tbh i want to be their little stupid pupthing. it's not all transfem supremacy undertones/overtones, but that's what i mainly follow her for, plus just general t4t goodness! also, their general personality? and the way she shuts down people who disrespect their boundaries? huge inspiration for me!

@cuntboydestroyer: take me to the animal shelter and neuter me. good lord.

@the-kind-of-dame is the main inspiration for my recent genderplay post lol

@terfbreaking-tgirl (be warned of dykebreaking if that's an issue for you)

@barbarian-lesbian is my other inspiration for the recent genderplay post

@superiorineveryway

weird asf (/complimentary; my favorite type of shit. robots, ND-focused posts, etc):

@specksizedgoddess has introduced me to things i didn't know, like...existed, and that's saying a lot as one of my special interests is kink! never knew how down bad i was to be a tiny buggirl, nor how much i wanted to be someone's stupid little robot... BIG tw tho: there is snuff and gore content here, so proceed with caution if you don't wanna see that!

@sapphling fucked me up real good with some bird!sub bondage posts awhile back lol

@nobelisha: found them through their ghost cnc post so that's why they're in this category ahah! they don't have a pinned so proceed w awareness :)

@devout-cleric: hierophilia/religion kink, and i'm something of an acolyte of hers :) if you've read this far down you may as well know i'm her Little Lamb anon lol

piss/omo:

@latenightomo

@pissheartmybeloved - their URL makes me crack up every time, plus good content!

@hold-it-a-little-longer - good scenarios/imagines!

@ohmyrashi - (i think) my original intro to omo!

monsterfucking/terato:

@septimus-moonlight was my first real introduction to trans-positive terato and i've never settled for half-fun cis-oriented terato ever since :) mind tags!

@eggedbellies as well!

@bredpun doesn't appear to be active lately but still good for a scroll!

@steamandcream

@of-mutts-and-men

#t4t nsft #asks #gen #denial #h/d #advice #💫 anon

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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years

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...

#srry for the continued pause in scribbles ive been feeling not very good at all #idk something just broke in my brain after our last sampling trip idk y bc it wasnt that bad but when i got back #it was just a couple days of my brain being real crazy in terms of thought patterns. it still kinda continues to b like that #but idk i haven't had a session of hysterical crying today so maybe im on the mend. its weird i haven't felt this bad in a really long time #i dont even have the energy to complain about it its just no joy. burned streight thru that. bruned streight thru my desire to draw #i mean i still draw every day but its like shitty i dont have time scribbes bc idk it all feels so fucking pointless. and im terrible at #hiding how i feel abt things so my boss is like: maybe u should take a break this weekend i dont want u to burnout. like. lady we crossed #that bridge way back in March. u r speaking to a ghost. i just. i dont kno if i can stay here until like next july at least if not longer #and it sucks bc i kno someday ill look back and this time in my life will make me real sad bc im laying here choosing to make myself #miserable and i somwhere halfway across the country my mum has tumors growing in her abdomen. and i cant go home for Thanksgiving and idk #how long ill get at Christmas. not bc anyone is telling me i have to stay. my brain just wont let me do things. i just lay here in my #increasingly chaotic apartment not taking the steps to get refunded for travel expenses worrying over deadlines and agonizing over social #interactions. worrying about all the things my brain wont let me do that need to be done and not taking the steps to get better #its stupid and annoying and i know its only going to get worse when i have to start taking measurements in the lab #ive at least been practicing a lot of german tho lmao. someday ill look back like: lol remember when u got super depressed and filled the #void with learning german? literally today my dyslexic read the word albeit as aber and it was v disorienting #idk its just fun and i feel like im at least being productive. so yea idk when ill b able to post scribbles again #but i thought id at least post something while i had the energy i accumulated by taking with a happy Canadian lab group #maybe ill join them in a year idk idk decisions decisions and so many applications the cost of which is trying to dissuade me from #getting a tatt0o :-P ay ay ay live a little! pls i beg u. but no prob not. against the rules #unrelated

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autistic-katara · 10 months

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ok i might get blocked by a couple ppl for saying this but the Jackson’s Diary fandom is seriously making me wanna become a proshipper out of spite (read the post before blocking me or whatever please)

like idk if u guys have checked the fandom tag on ao3 recently but theres been a bit of drama surrounding the fact that someone posted a smut-fic of Exer (an 18yo) and David (an almost 18yo, who was aged up A FEW MONTHS for the fic) and they were harassed into taking it down and making a fucking apology post ON AO3, THE PROBLEMATIC FANWORKS WEBSITE.

and this fic was tagged 100% correctly like it was very explicitly tagged as smut n stuff yet there were still a bunch of comments being like “uhm what did i just read 🤨” and when i made a comment defending the authors right to yk, not be harassed for making not even rlly problematic content someone who clearly would suffer withdrawal symptoms if they turned twitter off for too long started arguing with me abt how “erm ackhtually we should be allowed to comment harassment under ppls harmless and explicitly tagged fics cause theres no smut in this fandom and it shocked us” and u could just rlly tell they felt they were more righteous than God in their opinions and yeah so cut to tonight when i’m scrolling through the tag and i see a post titled “i’m so sorry” in which the author made a post basically being like “i’m so sorry for posting that ik it was disgusting it has been permanently deleted” which in the comments a few ppl were telling them that what happened sucked n stuff (myself included // judging by their reply they only did this to stop the harassment which yk, completely fair) and i went back to scrolling since i wanted an actual fic not fandom drama but like 2 posts down there was another post titled “please stop” or smthn like that where someone else made a post basically being like “guyssss can we please not write smut of these characters this fandom is so wholesome i dont wanna ruin it 🥺 anyways sorry this isnt a fic this just needed to be said lol” and like dude, my guy, WHAT THE FUCK?!

this is AO3, this is a fanwork archive that as far as i know was created (at least partially) due to the fact that ppl kept getting their “problematic” works taken down from other sites and the creators wanted to yk archive all fanworks. this is NOT a social media site where u can make callout posts abt how what someone else posted disturbed ur pure wholesome chaste scrolling by daring to uploaded something with *gasp* consensual sex between 2 consenting adults?! (or canonically 1 consenting adult and 1 consenting gonna-be-an-adult-in-a-few-months-but-isnt-much-younger-than-the-first-guy but u get the idea)

like guys, ao3 is not twitter. it is not tiktok, it is not tumblr, its not youtube, its not even wattpad. it is not a social media platform, it is a fanwork archive, specifically one that lets u post whatever kinda content u want (yes, even smthn depicting 2 consenting adult/almost adult participates that are in no way related having sex, ik its crazy what they allow online these days).

and look honestly the callout post wouldn’tve annoyed me this much if it was posted on yk an actual social media. like if it was posted on twitter or tiktok or on youtube as a video essay or even on here, like sure if i saw it id be annoyed that this fandom cant handle the tiniest bit of non-puritanicalism and fuck, maybe if it was on here id even drag myself into a pointless days-long argument that causes me suicidal levels of stress but on archive of our fucking own itself?! for the millionth time, IT IS NOT A SOCIAL MEDIA! u dont make posts like that that u want the rest of the fandom to read or whatever on there because its not that kinda website!

anyways yeah i hope i explained the situation ok, u might be able to check it out urself if u feel like it and yeah idk this whole thing just kinda felt like a wake-up call for me like yes i find incest and pedophilia disgusting OBVIOUSLY and i dont like ppl romanticising it in fiction but idk i’ve seen ppl talk abt toxic antis before and show screenshots of conversations where theyve acted super shitty but idk seeing this all unfold in person and having to argue with these hardcore antis just- i dont wanna be associated with these ppl, if these are what alotta antis r like i dont want anyone to assume i agree with them like at all, whether its other antis, proshippers, or ppl like me who have a super complicated opinion on it. like they harassed a person into taking down their smut and made call-out posts on ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN abt how they dont want their wholesome pure fandom corrupted by gross dirty irredeemable sex. and just yeah hope no mutuals i seriously care abt unmoot or even block me over this since ik a few of u r antis but yeah srry for this i just kinda seriously hate this fandom right now :)

also incase anyone is typing out a “kill yourself pedo” reply/rb rn; i turn 15 on Friday, i am 2+ years younger than ur innocent bb minor boy David and his definitely not already a legal adult boyfriend Exer so yk

#jackson’s diary #jacksons diary #ao3 #proshipping #dexer #fandom discourse #will probably regret making this post by tmrw morning but yk thats future me’s problem #again hopefully i explained this ok i’m pretty sure it was quite rambly

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talesoftheesun · 1 year

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I um... tripped! [O.G.]

pairing: ominis gaunt x slytherin!reader (gender neutral)

genre: fluff, slight angst, idk??

warnings: mention of blood. ominis might spontaneously go gray. can be read platonically, kind of. also english is not my first language and i wrote this while high on sleep deprivation lol

word count: 862

a/n: hi!! this is my first hogwarts legacy fic. i've written before here and there but it's been a long time lol. i hope you guys enjoy!

prompt: "they do a poor job of hiding the damage"

summary: you're out doing keeper stuff, ominis is concerned.

Stumbling through the common room doors, you cling to the wall like a lifeline. The winding of the stairs makes you feel even worse. As you near the bottom of the stairs, you strain your ears trying to figure out if anyone was still awake. Silence. You relax a bit as you continue to limp down the stairs.

You should've known better.

As soon as you make it all the way down, that ever-concerned voice speaks up, "And where in Merlin's name have you been?"

“Bloody hell Ominis, how many times do I have to ask you to stop doing that?!” You clutch your heart. He turns his head in your direction, deadpan look on his face. “I wouldn’t have to if you’d stop coming back so late every bloody day.”

You grumble, “You know I have keeper stuff to do.” Ominis can’t stop the sigh from escaping. “Yes, I’m aware of that, but do you have to keep doing it in the middle of the night?”

Unbeknownst to him, you’re swaying on your feet, “Can we not do this right now, please, I just want to go to bed.” You don't wait for a response. Knowing full well he’d pop a vein if he knew of your current condition, you try to make as little noise as possible as you move in the direction of your room.

Ominis scoffs and jumps up from where he was sitting on the chesterfield so fast, you’d think someone just slapped him. “No, we are doing this now!” He makes his way over to you in just a few strides, “You’re never around long enough during the day for us to have this conversation then! Do you have any id—” He freezes up at the sound of a loud thud.

Frantically waving his wand around, he finally finds you, on the floor. “Wha— Are you okay?”

Any other day, in any other situation, you’d have laughed at how big his eyes have gotten since the start of your… conversation. Right now however, you were too preoccupied with keeping your pain hidden from him. You cough, “Yeah, I’m fine, I um… tripped! Over uh… Violet’s shoe..?” Mentally beating yourself up over how bad of an excuse that was.

“Right…” He holds his left hand out for you to grab, “Come on then.”

Too preoccupied with keeping your labored breaths down, you don't notice his hand until he hisses your name. “Oh. Sorry,” you gingerly grab his hand.

Now, Ominis wouldn’t describe himself as strong, he can’t exactly participate in sports given his lack of sight. But the blood-curdling scream you let out as he pulled you up, would make anyone think he just ripped your body apart.

Feeling your weight drop back down, he quickly wraps his arms around you to catch you. “What’s wrong?! Did I hurt you? Wait— Did someone hurt you out there?!” Eyes darting around, as if trying to find the damage.

Still trying to catch your breath, you can only groan in response. He strokes your hair as he carefully walks you back towards the couch. Repeating apologies like a prayer. He pulls you onto his lap, not sure whether he should be careful and hold you like a porcelain doll, or to pull you closer and hold on for dear life. When he feels you lean into him, he settles on the latter.

"I'm sorry," by now he's realized that the iron smell of blood he got a waft of earlier wasn't the blood of your enemies, it was yours. "I'm so, so sorry."

Finally able to breathe easier now, you wrap your arms around his torso. "It's not your fault. Please don't beat yourself up about it."

"Why didn't you tell me?" He frowns, tears brimming his eyes. "And why didn't you take a wiggenweld potion?"

You sigh, "Well, I knew you'd be upset with me and... I ran out at some point." Looking down in shame.

"You're damn right I'd be upset," he huffs, "But I'd at least wait until after you're okay to lecture you." Realizing how silly you’d been acting, you mumble an apology into his neck.

"What? I didn't quite catch that." He fails to fight the smirk threatening to break out. You roll your eyes, but give in anyway, "I said, you're right and I'm sorry."

"Hmm no, still didn't catch that."

Exasperated now, you huff, "You're right and I'm wrong.” Finally satisfied, he allows the smile on his face to grow even more. "Now will you help patch me up?"

He winces, "Not sure how you could forget darling, but I'm horrible at potions, I don't have any wiggenweld potions for you." You groan, "Ugh right. Then can you just hold me until you can get Sebastian to get some for me?"

“Of course,” Shifting your bodies so you’re both laying down on the couch, you on top of his chest, he summons the blanket resting on the other couch to drape over you. "Now, get some rest."

As you settle into the warmth of his body, you drift off to sleep. The last thing you feel is his lips on your forehead.

#ominis gaunt x reader #ominis gaunt imagine #hogwarts legacy imagine #hogwarts legacy x reader #ominis gaunt #hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy fanfic #hl fanfiction #sun.fic #sun.txt

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astonmartinii · 4 days

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F1 ASKS!

i saw this tag floating around and wanted to let yall get to know me better since i’ve been doing this a while and have only really spoken in the form of authors notes! also im not going to tag anyone so just do it if you wanna!

who is your favourite driver?

i think for anyone who has read anything i’ve ever written it’s probably a bit obvious but max verstappen! what can i say little me was told we’re supporting red bull and here was this little charmer (emphasis on little who let that child get into an F1 car)

do you have other favourite drivers?

also based on my writing you can probably tell that my top three are max, charles and oscar! however, i will also say that alex is a close fourth for me (he’s also very nice irl). also as for retired drivers i think the mamma mia series is a bit of a spoiler but i love jenson, seb and kimi

who is your least favourite driver?

i used to say i didn’t dislike anyone on the grid - that was a lie. i’ll still write for anyone within reason but you can also probably tell with how in detail the back and forth is on certain pieces that i am really not a fan of sainz, actually people who get yelled at while i write them would argue it’s more than “not really being a fan of” but i am fake and i have maintained that if i meet him at silverstone (which i very nearly did last year) ill tell him im his biggest fan! also not the biggest fan of like pierre he’s just kinda there for me and a wee bit too cringey ALSO what you may not be able to guess from how i write him… im not really a fan of lando! ive really, really tried especially after his win but he just kinda rubs me the wrong way (i was immediately proven right with the trump comments lol). people say i should pull for him cause he’s from bristol which is where i live but he’s from glastonbury babe - also ive done a few swimming competitions at the school he went to a WOAH baby has so much money.

do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well?

i mostly pull for drivers but like i guess i like red bull? well i did. i love max so i would follow him everywhere but i did like red bull as well as a team (i like alex, danny and checo so that also helps) but this whole protection of christian horner shtick is really disappointing so id say im a driver person.

if you like teams, who do you pull for?

like i said red bull were the team id pick if i HAD to follow a team - i support chelsea so i cant handle even more disappointment if i followed ferrari and also i only like charles there and they’re the source of all of his misfortune so …

how long have you been into F1?

so my family has always been into F1, my cousin karts and my uncle is a mechanic and makes karts on the side but i had always been more into football cause i could actually go to that with my dad - and also for young me who didn’t know what the fuck a strategy was it seemed kinda boring. but i’d say from maybe 2016ish i started watching it more regularly (hence the max stanship). my mum loves it and her first love in the sport was mark webber which is why we like red bull. but yeah i remember watching max’s first win and was like MUM I WANT THAT ONE (and i have technically met him? idk we made eye contact when his taxi nearly ran over my foot)

what got you into F1?

my mum! i love her and she’s just as much a passionate fan (and hater when appropriate) so it’s a nice thing to do together - especially because me and my dad are season ticket holders at chelsea so spend a lot of time together doing that so this is like my sport time with my mum (along with the olympics that’s our shit we’re very excited for the swimming). so i guess it was being around her watching it and listening to her and my dad argue about it! my mum is an ardent seb supporter and my dad is like a twitter account away from being in teamLH so canada 2018 (2019?) was VERY entertaining. also my uncle loves it so he likes that im proper into it (like have a sports journalism degree) and so we always chat about it - he’s trying to recruit me into motogp next

do you enjoy fanfic/RPF?

i mean i’ve written so much i must love it. lol jokes i do enjoy it and i feel like it helps me like people more (case in point: when i was trying to make myself enjoy the lando win i just read my own fics of him LOL)

but also its something fun to do that’s also creative and has helped me make new friends from all over

how do you view new fans?

ugh i hate the hate new fans get like not everyone can be born into loving a sport? if anything the more people that watch and love the sport the more money it’ll make? idk this whole superiority complex some fans have is just so unneeded for the sport and we all know why is majorly directed at girls. i do fear that some of the new fan behaviours could border on worrying - waiting outside hotels and ambushing drivers is stalking actually!

but overall im always happy to have new people in a sport - a bigger community is always good and new fans bring new perspectives which is good as older fans may just be desensitised to “normal” things in the sport but new eyes can remind them - hey halos are the best thing to happen to F1 and red flags in heavy rain are necessary.

if you could take over as any team principal for any team who would it be and why?

i know i previously dunked on ferrari but there needs to be an intervention because my girly max already has three championships and i need charles to get at least one so i can die happy - then ill move to mclaren, kick zak brown up the ass get a piastri championship and bounce (honourary race with willams or whatever team alex is with cause i need all three 2019 rookies to be race winners)

are your friends and family into F1 as well?

i feel like my other answers answered this but yeah! i also recently reconnected with an old primary school friend who is also really into it. i went to a sports uni so basically everyone there liked it as well (which means me and a friend did trek to the F1 arcade at 4am to watch aus 23 where she had a public meltdown over sainz (i enjoyed it)). also ive made a couple friends through working at races!

are you open to talking to other fans/making friends?

i always am! i am a year out of uni and working from home with all my home friends still at uni after taking gap years so i am big time lonely so always feel free to slide into my messages!

#f1 imagine #max verstappen #charles leclerc #oscar piastri #alex albon #ferrari #f1 #formula one #formula1 #tag

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