Helaena Targaryen ramble (maybe this could count as drabble idk though, I’m just typing out daydreams here lol)

Being betrothed to/marrying Aemond but becoming very close “friends” with Helaena.

Okay so, the latest daydream that’s been plaguing my mind:

After being picked for a rather rushed marriage purely of convenience to prince Aemond you became fast “friends” with his sister Helaena, to the vast majority of people with importance to the Targaryen family it’s either paid no mind to or thought of as great since Helaena now has someone she’s bonded with + it has you staying out of Aemonds way which leaves them unable to connect the dots and realise you’re both far more than friends. You’d be viewed as having such a kind heart for letting Helaena show you bugs, for always intently listening as she shows you how to stitch and to even go as far as letting her spend hours in your chambers to help you get your stitching just right, nobody would even notice that your embroidery hadn’t been touched at all.

The glances you’d share across the dinner table would lead to rather condescending laughs from Aegon as he’d regard the looks as those of two gal pals who just couldn’t keep control of their dire urge to gossip at bay, maybe Aemond would chime in and snicker at the comment thus making him miss the raised eyebrow and slight smirk Helaena throws your way, they really do have no idea who has the upper hand in this situation do they?

Of course Aemond and Aegon eventually pick up on the closeness but I don’t think they’d catch on to your antics, like I said before they believe you’re both just two silly girls wrapped up in nonsense, it is funny though how blatantly unaware they are. Again they joke and tease constantly, too engrossed in their own egos, they think they’re both above whatever it is that Helaena and you do in the hours yous spend alone together. “ladies stuff” yes that’s what they call it, that’s what they reply with when guards, their mother or other company ask of you both, you’re both just wasting time too caught up in “womens buisness” so whenever you’re scolded by Aemond for not being there waiting for him after he’d taken vhagar out on or ride, or whenever Helaena is berated for turning up late to whatever a drunken Aegon decided he needed her there for yous both try to speak the same tight lipped apology of “sorry dear husband I lost track of time with-” but a chuckle from Aemond would cut you off and a scoff from Aegon would halt Helaena. Aemond would throw an arm around you while shaking his head and maybe going as far as kissing the top of yours “oh sweet wife” he’d reply laughing in mock as he walked the two of you back inside, Aegon’s response would be less kinder probably uttering some telling of with an “of course” worded in their as he liked to think he knew the world before having Helaena scurrying to wherever he wanted her. Both responses vastly different but both boys still left thinking they had but two simpleminded wives, both boys still non the wiser.

If anyone did figure it out though I think it’d be Alicent however I don’t really think she’d care, I mean no bastards can come from it, it keeps yous both out of the way and Aemond and Aegon still don’t have the slightest inkling about it! Plus she said it best herself, these Targaryens do have queer customs🤭 I’m not saying she’d be encouraging of it just that if she found out she wouldn’t feel the need to put a stop to it as long as yous could keep it on the dl.

Okay now enough of them back to you and Helaena!! <33

So funnily enough it’d be after you and Aemond went from betrothed to married that yous two would become close, I’m gonna be cheesy and say she ever so heroically saved you from a spider that had gotten into your chambers🤭 it was nighttime, you were alone brushing your hair when you first spotted it, not particularly massive but still a spider so that scared you anyway. You knew you’d look a fool if you sought out your husband to get rid of it so you decided your best option was to go find a jug and then either squash it or trap it, whichever you could faster. And then that’s when you bumped into Helaena!! What she was doing out of her chambers at this time you didn’t know, maybe it was nothing or maybe the bug that ended up in your room belonged to her and she was frantically trying to find it, either way after explaining your situation to her (because she wouldn’t let you wander past her without explaining why you looked so shaken up) she offered her help! On the way back to your chambers she started to passionately ramble about the little creature in your room, this made you realise why she recoiled moments before when you told her of your trapping and or squashing plan. After Helaena had successfully scooped up the spider and let it crawl out of the window you hugged her in gratitude and Helaena couldn’t remember a time she’d ever been enveloped in such happiness. With your arms wrapped around her neck, the side of your head pressed into her chest she let her arms wrap around your waist, fastly welcoming something she didn’t know how much she needed. When you finally pulled away from her various sentences about needing to repay her came falling out of your mouth and with Helaena clinging on to the happiness you brought with all her might, all she asked from your was your company.

So the next day you made your way to Helaena’s chambers that were thankfully without the presence of Aegon, armed with a willing pair of ears ready and a hairbrush ready to braid Helaena’s hair in thanks as she told you exactly why spiders are nice beings that you shouldn’t be afraid of, of course you listened to every word and while your fear didn’t fault her you didn’t judge her love for the bugs either. I reckon in the days after this interaction the idea of planting bugs in your chambers crossed Helaena’s mind many times, I think she’d toy with the idea constantly just because she knew she’d be the one you’d seek out but ultimately she’d decide against it, too afraid of accidentally losing you if you found out about her doings and thought she was acting that way to be mean.

After awhile though the two of you became inseparable, wherever you went Helaena went and wherever she went you went! You both just liked each other’s presence. Not to go back on my word and bring up the boys again but dare I say that this would make Aemond jealous?👀 after one too many times of you and Helaena walking into a family dinner together Aemond “made the request” to you (sternly told you) that he should be the one to walk you to dinner as it was his right as your husband, you thought it was funny that this little thing annoyed him so much and Helaena definitely played up to his reaction. Reaching over and squeezing your hand as a hello as you sat down across from her at the dinner table, maybe even coming over to hug round your shoulders if she felt the need for it and she would absolutely kick at your feet under the table to get your attention.

Anyways sorry back to Helaena fr this time.

When did yous realise that there’s more to your relationship than just friends? Well I can’t give you a timeline date but yous both realising that there was more to your hugs, glances and hand holding than just friendly flattery would’ve brought it on. It was a very sweet realisation, it was the time the two of you realised that there was in fact real love and “meant to be’s” in this world and not just political marriages.

So yes you did have a kind heart and your kind heart belonged to Helaena <3

Whew shit it aggravates the hell outta me how much recognition non black ppl felt they were entitled to for pRoTeStInG police brutality that specifically targets black ppl — by only acting on performative upset around George Floyd's murder. Yet Makiyah Bryant was literally murdered by a white police officer as they were reading Chauvin's verdict for killing Floyd & yall haven't said too much at all. The same performative & self-proclaimed activists haven't said a word ab this fr.

The same ppl who were (& still are) walking around w/ a chip on their shoulder ab buying fucking totes, t-shirts, wristbands & face masks that say "Africa" or "Black Lives Matter" or "Say Their Names" — haven't said or so much as put any comparable energy into demanding justice for Makiyay Bryant, Breonna Taylor, or any Black Woman or underage Black Girl killed by white people for that matter. Its like yall felt like, "well all thats finally over; guess police brutality & police officers murdering black ppl isn't a thing anymore or something we should keep protesting after things cool down; we've done 'our part'. 🙄Yall make me fucking sick the way yall showed up & out in international droves for Floyd; the way yall created & pushed hashtags for that grown ass man who OPENLY shit on Black Women (the largest & most signigicant demographic who was out there demanding answers & justice for his murder itfp).

An autistic, black child was killed by the same kind of people who murdered Floyd; working in the same "profession". She was killed by a fucking police officer in the midst of being harassed by kids her age who were bullying her to a point where her hand was forced & she sought out the police to intervene. & they killed her like she didn't mean a damn thing. Yall are silent ab it like she didn't mean a damn thing. Yall literally just went back to your regular lives, obsessing over absolute billshit & living on the internet like it didn't matter at all. Like, "Well we did all that for Floyd. Dont have the energy to do it for anyone else Black; particularly Black Women/Girls."

Where is yall energy for this?? Idk if yall realize but the way this shit reflects, it looks like Americans (& ppl from other countries that participated in the protesting for Floyd) only give a fuck ab black lives if cishet black males are the focus — & that's so fucking disrespectful. Yall are seriously ok w that child being taken from her family? Her mother? Her siblings if she had any??? What ab her dreams? What ab what she wanted to do w her life in spite of all the shit she was going thru being fucked w for being autistic? Do yall give any sort of fucks? Do yall give a damn at all? Just be real ab it. Bc this didn't just happen to Makiyah. This isn't something that's happend to just one black girl before.

This is happening more often than most care to consider fr. In fact, the perpetual concern ppl are brainwashed to have for white women being potentially unrealistically sex-trafficked, sexually abused/assaulted, kidnapped/abducted — happens way more prevalently to black women & little Black girls all over the globe. White women have international protection since they are pushed as a forced international standard & ideal anyway. Black women are not at all a protected demographic. Anywhere in the world. And black men are # fucking 1 in our assailant normalcy — yet everyone gives them all the exclusive consideration when it comes to crimes against the Black Community by non blacks & blacks alike. Fucking tired of yall fr, on everything. Yall let that child die in vain & still ain't got off yall asses to do or say anything ab it the way yall were committed to doing it for Floyd. You should be ashamed. You should be embarrassed.

Idc what you think you did out there for Floyd if you didn't do the same for Makiyah. Or Breonna. Or any Black women among the thousands of names mentioned among the "Say Their Names" outcry. Yall didn't do a damn thing but keep a hashtag trending through the summer last year. Yall give no real fucks & im glad I wasn't giving yall too much credit for doing the bare minimum, cus looking at how "concerned" yall are now, it truly was a minimum. Fuck yall. George Floyd was a grown ass man. Did all that active disapproval of someone killing his ass & then turn yall back on black women asap.

That he spent any part of his life as a black male being & acting on misogynoir — just to cry out for his Black Mother at the peak of his suffering & death, is ironic; almost funny considering how he likely wouldn't have protested for the unreasonable murder of black women himself. Yall desperately need to get your fucking priorities together, cus a lot of yall too damn grown to be this stupid & have attention spans this short. Yall just be expecting black women's support on any & everything — even if it don't make sense or if it puts us in harm's way. Then do absolutely nothing for us when circumstances absolutely more than demand it. Im done supporting these lame ass causes for ppl who don't do shit for Black women even when we do it for yall. Most of the time the majority of you don't even open your mouth ab black women lest its to degrade or defeminize them so yea its p clear to me where the majority of you truly stand unfiltered on issues around our safety & wellbeing.

I'm good. There is no poc solidarity; there is no progression or inclusion in speaking up for races who are not black as a black person — esp not as a black woman. Im quite done w the vast majority of ppl & giving a fuck ab things i cannot — but that other races of ppl v well can — control (regarding our mistreatment). I will not be speaking on this blog ab anything that does not pertain specifically & exclusively to issues within or injustices committed against the Black community. I do not have the energy or interest; just like yall don't ab us. Fuck yall, fuck your problems (cultural & personal), & fuck you being mad ab it if at all. Do not care. Black Women & Little Black Girls do not deserve the blatant disregard & neglect yall habitually subject us to for absolutely nothing. You will not get empathy from this black woman on this shit, period.

Okay I just finished the ACOTAR series for the first time and I have so many thoughts so I'm gonna write them down.

Also I have not looked at any fan theories or been a part of this fandom very much so all these headcannons are straight from the noggin:

Literally what the fuck is tamlin doing.

Okay getting this out of the way cause its a hot topic. Azriel is my baby I love him but

I would have mixed feelings about him being with both gwyn and Elaine. I love the idea of Elaine being azriels sunshine he deserves light in his life (also their scene in ACOSF had me ejdjbdksks) but also all three bat boys being with all 3 sisters rubs me the wrong way idk.

Gwyn is amazing because she's a badass bitch and if azriel doesn't snatch that up I will. I feel like azriel almost gets bulldozed over by the other bat boys (like he will do the dirty work only because he feels inferior) And I want gwyn to help him stand up for himself.

Gwyn is an adult jfc. I'd be more worried about her trauma.

I am totally a elucien shipper I'm SORRY lucien deserves the world

But at the same time I would totally understand if Elaine couldn't forgive him for his involvement in the cauldron business. That shit was wack. I just want this relationship to be the biggest, most "period drama esqe" slowburn.

I have very mixed feelings about lucien. On one hand lucien has never had a home and when tamlin took him in I can see how that loyalty blurred the lines of right and wrong. But at the same time lucien messed up MANY times where the archeon sisters are concerned.

Nesta deserved her kick in the ass because it was needed. She did not deserve everyone to be a little bitch to her. It felt like feyre was the only one who wanted her rehabbed for nestas sake. I definitely would have preferred Nesta to hit rock bottom and choose recovery for herself (cause alcoholism and things can only be truly solved through self help) Everyone else was uncharacteristically nonempathetic. Idk how Cassian could be okay with her treatment after they mated.

I'm still digesting Rhys and nestas relationship. I like that they don't like each other for most of ACOSF. Nestas reasons for treating feyre poorly are valid, but not excuses. The feyre, Nesta, and rhys relationship thing is weird cause I see all sides. I need more feyre and Nesta bonding they always get interrupted.

I HATE what SJM did to Mors character. What the fuck is up with mor not liking Nesta. Maybe we will get an explanation in the next book but I feel like mor was set up to be a great LGBT character with himbo allies but SJM just dropped her off a cliff. Big mad.

However I do want eris and mor to end up together. Not necessarily romantically, but I want them to have it out and I want eris to support mor. Kinda want them to be mates. Kinda want eris to be gay as well. Kinda want them to get married and them have consorts.

WHY does everyone treat feyre like a porcelain doll when the IC has more collective trauma than anyone else in this universe. Don't get me wrong I'm all about the hurt/comfort but it was so inconsistently written LOL. When the IC was telling their stories the first night they met and then feyre told hers I cackled like sorry but she is a baby

Rhys's trauma is just as recent as feyres... yeah he's a lot older and seasoned but oh my GOD he was consistently assaulted for 49 years. Feyre does very little to comfort him. Idk I feel like it was SO glossed over.

Like in ACOWAR feyre admits that amaranthas hatred wasn't personal it was general, unlike Tamlins hatred. But amarantha and rhys had multiple personal vendettas against each other. Like his amarantha is vaguely feyres tamlin. Rhys didn't even get to kill amarantha. His trauma is untapped. Rhys is the main character feyre is the love interest idc

Idk what yall say rhys is my baby my lovebug my everything. He's got his flaws but you can't love Nesta and hate him at the same time without being a lil hypocritical

But he's fucked in the head for thinking he was justified in drugging feyre every night for 2 months. Almost more mad about that than the SA (I dont really blame Rhys since it is not cannon to me. SJM just messed up 😌 it was so out of character) did he ever really apologize for that??

ALSO I know smj wanted to write like #consentking but half of what he allowed was so unnecessarily dangerous (like the first AND second weaver encounter- if my SO ran off in the middle of a battle to track down a mysterious creature when the task could have been done after the battle I would have be livid. Mor was justified in being mad.)

I'm so mad rhys didn't flatten tamlin during the high lord meeting. Either it will happen in the future or I will burn these books.

THE BAT BOYS HAVE CONNONICALLY BEEN IN THE SAME ROOM WHILE HAVING SEX. the foursomes in my head gets clearer by the day

I HATE the fact that rhys almost had an existential crisis over feyre being so young when she found her mate and not having "lived" and THEN GETS HER PREGNANT??? Are you kidding me. I'm so mad. I don't wanna deal with babies. I hate babies.

But I DO have a fun headcannon that since the bone carver is a death-god or whatever he KNEW nyx wouldn't survive and that is why he appeared as him. Also when the bone carver offered to take feyres first born in exchange for help rather than the oroboughs I think that was also foreshadowing. The only reason nyx survived was because of Nesta and the bone carver had trouble seeing the cauldron.

((Maybe nyx should have died during the birth idk))

Literally I would have enjoyed ACOSF if instead of the pregnancy feyre was busy looking for bryaxis. Literally what happened to him. Wtf

I know the plot armor is crazy thick around the IC but it would have been nice if one of them died. Well, not nice, but more believable. Maybe thats why nyx should have died. Lol I need therapy.

FREAKING HEADCANNON: the archeon sisters are partially fae. Their mom was definitely a descendant and that's why all three sisters have mates. It was hinted that the sisters had mated because they were powerful and cauldron made but Cassian and rhys could feel the pull before the sisters were turned.

Tarquin is the hottest high lord

The whole blood rite thing was stupid. I would have loved if it was spread out over a longer period of time but it was so unrealistic

You know we all love a good #girlboss🤢 moment but the whole valkarie thing seemed 1. Out of no where 2. Really quickly forced (ACOSF should have been like 2 books) 3. If emerie and mor get together life=complete

The inner circle and ther archeon sisters would not get along if they weren't mated to like 50% of the gang

They're too whiny

It's so weird that the mating bond can only be felt by guys??? Lol wut

Okay I know this is a complicated subject but having LGBTs in a universe with mates based in evolutionary advantage seems more homophobic than having a universe without LGBTs LOL. Like their connection can't be as deep cause they can't procreate?? I did like that SJM made up for it a little by saying not all mates are complementary souls.

Hybern was so powerful and for WHAT. I don't understand

Vassa, lucien, and jurian being a trio is so weird 😐

I WANT A NOVELLA ON THE STORY OF AMREN AND VARIAN. They are my otp. If anyone has made it this far and knows of some good amren and varian fanart pls let me know

Okay that is all for now thank you if you read down to here xoxo gossip girl.

P. S. Also I am starting throne of glass and am having a hard time getting into it. Can anyone vouch for this series please I'm conflicted.

Edit: omg I was zooted when I wrote this and didn't realize my phone autocorrected cassian to Caspian RIP

Survey #430

“when the girl in the corner is everyone’s woman, she could kill you with a wink of her eye”

What kind of dog do you find most ugly? What a mean question. ;-; I don't think they're ugly, but I probably find chihuahuas to be the least visually appealing. Do you like wood floors or carpet better? Wood. Do you think the USA bullies other countries? Quite frankly, yes. Are you currently in love right now? No. Favorite fast food joint? Sonic. What would you do if your ex contacted you? THE ex, have a panic attack. Cry. Be wordlessly ecstatic. Be scared and confused. Do you still have feelings for your ex? Two, yes, but one is unrealistic considering I have no idea who he is anymore. It's been way too long for me to possibly, accurately like him. Ever tasted a flavored condom? No. Do you know CPR? No. How much do you care about your best friend? I'd die for her. Do you watch Dr. Phil? No. What age would you like to have a child? I don't want kids ever. Are your parents wealthy? Mom, absolutely not. Dad seems to be financially stable, but not wealthy or anything. Pick one state you’d love to live in? Alaska. How many pets do you want? And of what? Man, I want a LOT. I know I want more ball python morphs, a plains hognose, a woma python, numerous tarantulas, a fat-tailed gecko, a boa, orchid mantises, a sphynx, a tegu would be super cool... I'd love to have like an empire of pets one day, aha, but only so long as I could maintain them all and adequately provide for them. Have you ever asked someone out? Yes. When do you want to get married? I mean, I don't have a set age in mind. I want to get married when I'm ready. Can you play a musical instrument? I played the flute for yeeeaaaars in middle and high school, but I remember almost nothing by now. What if you stopped orgasming for the rest of your life? Idc, honestly. Does money make you happy? Money probably makes me happier than it should, but I'm not like madly in love with it or anything. Happens when you're poor your whole life. Your favorite breakfast food? Ugh, cinnamon rolls are a godsend. When was the last time you went to a funeral? I actually don't think I've ever been to one... only wakes. I really, really wish I could have gone to Jason's mom's, though... There was just no fucking way that I was going to risk upsetting Jason on THAT day of all days by popping up. Have you ever stolen someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, we never actually dated, but you could say that... Tell me the date of your first kiss. I don't know the exact date, but it was March 2012. Are your legs long or short? Normal, I guess? How many phobias do you have? Man, a lot. Is there a bookshelf in your room? No. Do you use the Facebook chat often? Barely at all. I only really use it to chat with Girt on the rare occasion we talk. Who got you hooked on the addiction you're addicted to (If you have one)? I discovered Mark on my own; I needed help in an Amnesia: The Dark Descent custom story, so I found his playthrough and watched it. Got a few laughs, subscribed. It was Jason who introduced me to Amnesia, though, so I can indirectly thank him, I guess? haha Are you currently worried about your parents finding out about something? No. Have you ever lived with a friend? Yeah, for a couple months. Have you ever only liked someone because you found out they liked you? No. Ever been on a real diet, or did you just stop eating? I've tried multiple diets. Have you ever known a white supremacist? I know multiple. Welcome to the South. Do you like the smell of a barbecue? Yesss. It's funny because I hate the food itself. Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas? Yeah. It's not rare, if I'm being honest. How many times have you been to the ER? Too many times because of being suicidal. How many people are you currently texting? None. Anything exciting coming up? My nephew's birthday is in a few days! Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? Money, so I can use it for anything. Do you have Instagram? I have three, ha ha. One for my basic photography, another for my morbid photos, and I went through a very short phase of having an Instagram for my pets. It still exists, but I don't really use it. Have you ever spoken to a detective before? No. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. Do ladders scare you? Yes. Hot dogs or hamburgers? Cheeseburgers may possibly be my favorite food. Do you have any tattoos on your arms? I do. Have you ever owned or known someone who owned a black cat? I've owned plenty of black cats. What album is the last song you listened to from? It's from Disguise. What’s the last funny movie you watched? Probably Elf. Can you remember your parents’ birthdays? Mom's, yes. I only remember the month of my dad's. If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you pick? I think I want to get my tribute to Teddy next. How do you feel about band tattoos? Hey, go for it. I see nothing wrong with it. What piercing do you like most on the opposite sex? Probably snakebites. Lip piercings in general are hot lmao. Are you any good at applying make up? Noooo, my hands are so shaky. How old were the last 3 people you kissed? Sara's 23; idr the exact ages of Girt and Tyler. I think Tyler was a year younger than me, and Girt is at the bare minimum three years older than me. If you found out you got someone pregnant, what would you do? Well, I'm a cisgender female, so... Do you ever wonder what your ex is up to? Very frequently. Do you like your cell phone? I mean it's fine, but I'd like a new one. Is rap your favorite genre of music? No, it's actually my least favorite. Have you ever thrown up on anybody? Oh god, no. Do people think you’re happy? I think it's safe to say most people who know me know I'm clinically depressed. Or you know... maybe not. Quite a few people have been surprised to learn that about me because I can put on a good facade. What band would you stand in line for 24 hours to see? None, honestly. That's way too long. What was your worst childhood experience? I guess my dad's alcoholism. As a child, I thought it was a normal thing, but I do wonder if my fear of men has anything to do with how volatile drinking had a 50/50 chance of making him. He never hurt anyone, but he was just so mad and hateful towards the world sometimes. You can trade another person’s emotions for your own. Whose do you take? I have no idea. What was/is going to be your first waltz at your wedding? That'll depend on my partner and what song means the most to us/fits us best. "When It's Love" by Van Halen has been a consideration for forever, though. When it’s not summer, what do you miss most about it? I hate summer. I miss nothing about it. Do you consider yourself patriotic? No. What is the one thing that you need to do to die happy? Feel like I accomplished something notable. Do you consider yourself mainstream? No. What’s the riskiest thing you’ve ever done? Overdosing on cold medicine. What is life’s greatest mystery? Probably from whence we came. Humanity has fished for a definite answer forever. What was your favourite make-believe game as a kid? Pretending I was a meerkat hiding in a "burrow" that was a blanket fort, ha ha. Do you try your best at everything? Honestly, no. Who is your shoulder to cry on? My mom, without fail. What’s your standard excuse for not doing something? I dunno... it depends on the topic. Name the most beautiful person you know. As far as physical appearance goes, my friend Alon. Have you ever been to jail? No. What is one moment you wish you could have taken a picture of? Sara's face when I surprised her at her house for her birthday. It was absolutely fucking priceless. What place holds the most memories for you? Jason's house. Who was your first date? My puppy dog-love middle school bf Aaron. We went with a group of friends to a skating rink. My first one-on-one date was Jason. What’s the best trip you’ve ever been on? The zoo in 5th grade. It's the one and only time I've seen meerkats. For some weird reason, our zoo moved the meerkats not long after that visit. I THINK they said the environment just wasn't suitable for them, which I never really got... I think they mentioned the cold, but like, you have heating for them, and also, have you ever experienced a desert night? You consider all the other areas that have meerkats in their zoos and it's like... why, man. Bring my meerkats back. ;_; What do you think the earth will look like in 1,000 years? Oh dear God, I do NOT want to visualize that. My gut tells me it'll be a wasteland, probably without humans or most forms of life we have now. We have to get our shit straight, so very badly. I could rant for hours about how horribly and ungratefully we abuse our planet. Who makes you happy to be around? Sara! I feel like I can be my 100% authentic self, and we just vibe really well together. Like every time I've been there and she here, our friendship felt so natural and chill. I really, really need to save up for another trip up there. What secret have you tried to hide but it got out anyway? I kept the Joel situation to myself from pretty much everyone, but it eventually came out in front of Mom and Jason. It was actually the night of the breakup; I don't remember how it was relevant at all to mention, but I did in some form. Mom wisely never asked about it, and Jason obviously didn't. I was a stupid 12-year-old anyway, it's whatever now. Who/what is your everything? I will never. Ever. In five billion millennia. Let anyone be that again. How many people have you turned down when they asked you out? Ummm three? I think that's it. How many exes do you have? If I include everyone who ever had a title of "boyfriend/girlfriend," I have six. Who was your worst relationship with? Tyler. It was just pointless and the result of nothing but loneliness. What’s your ‘label’? (ex. punk, prep) I really, really don't care. Do you swear? How much? Like a sailor. I swore some beforehand, but I got really bad when Jason and I started dating. He swore a lot, and his mother did even more. I was around them as much as possible, so it rubbed off on me. What is the one thing that would make everything in your life fall apart? Losing my family, like being disowned or something like that. Especially when it comes to Mom. I rely on her so heavily, as much as I hate that. :/ What takes your breath away? Nature is very capable of that. Something like seeing big waterfalls in the mountains or something would marvel me. Are you patient? No, honestly. Are you a good dancer? No. Even when I took dance, I don't think I was great; however, I do think I was pretty skilled at clogging. Who would you call first in a life-threatening situation (not 911)? My mom. Who do you miss? Jason and his family, Megan, Alex, Hannia, Emily, Journee... a lot of people. Do you like snakes? I adore snakes.

Hello half valid anon here (i like my nickname 😂). I got through all your fics and they were all great. Right now im just reading a lot of poi fanfics and watch fanvids cause i can't accept that the series is over 😂 --- i know what you mean about fics affecting you negatively. I had this with 13rw (the Show and some fics) everything was so dark and hopeless that i had to stop watching it. I also love to seek out fics where someone is hurt so i can feel my pain through the characters (1)

But i try to read only fics with lots of comfort so it kinda feels like i get comforted as well (dont know if that makes sense). If it makes you uncomfortable or if its unhealthy for you to write about this i completely understand and i dont mean to come of as pushing you to write. I just hope whatever you do will be the right decision for you! As for you feeling suicidal im sorry to hear that. Let me know if there is ever anything i can do to help! I wish i could say sth more comforting but Im not super good with words :( i just hope you have people in your life that support you! 💛

maybe root will grow on you too? Or maybe you can skip her scenes and enjoy John, Harold and most importanly Bear! 😂 Yeah Shaw definately looks really good. She is a bit like Reese minus the caring. At first it seems she doesnt care about anything at all but thats not exactly the Case. There was an episode with Shaw and a little girl (3x5) and i really loved it (have you seen that one?).

I really think Shaw would grow on you (especially since in the beginning she does a lot with John) but then again a lot of her later scenes include Root so im not sure. Yes i love that there were never any romantic undertones with her and John!!

yeah the core four were great. I was so sad when Carter died! :(

i guess everyone sees chemistry different, i think Shoot and Rinch post have great chemistry ☺️

as for John being good with people: YES!! he is always so compassionate and such a great listener as well. I especially like him with children. John and the baby were so cute or John with the boy who offered to pay for him. John + Kids was always a great combination and i wished we would have seen it more often. Also regarding children we did we never got to see a John Taylor scene after Carters death? I needed that!

yes John the badass is also amazing! His character has so many different sides and i love him so much!!

i think Grace Harold was really cute but i dont really see a future for them, i mean he lied to her for so long! but then again they really loved each other so idk maybe they work it out. Im also not into John/Harold/Grace but like you said good for the people who like the ship :)

John and Zoe were great! i wish Zoe would have appeared more often!

I have so many things to say about John and the boring therapist but i think i better not say them :D i wish i could just erase their relationship from my mind!

of course he didnt die! i didnt see a dead body so i refuse to believe he is dead! i also just wanted them to be happy. what kind of an ending is it to let the main character die? i refuse to accept this! -- thank you for the rec i will check it out :) while i do like fluff i mostly read h/c (with the focus on the comfort) cause i just want John to get his much needed comfort :D -- i have no idea where season 1 is supposed to be boring. but idc the people can live with their wrong opinions :D

(today: tumblr user nourann3 discovers the option to indent text after almost 5 years on tumblr...)

Hiii !! It is a very valid nickname 😂 That's nice !! Hmu if you want more recs ! Lol same honestly, I can't believe it's been 4 years since the show ended ! I can give you a link to my poi/Rinch fanvids playlist if you're interested 👀

Oh boi 13rw is so cursed, can't believe I watched all of the 1st season 😬 I remember being afraid of the suicide scene making me uncomfortable but it was so cringe, unrealistic and just bad that I wasn't even that uncomfortable, I cringed when she cut her arms but that's it.

Yeah big mood I project a lot on comfort fics as well. For suicide fics, I think it also depends on how the fics adress the subject. It's something that is complicated to write. If I read a suicide fic with no recovery I'm gonna project but feel like shit. But with recovery, I can project into the recovery as well so it's better ! I read a really good ace attorney fic showing Miles recovering after a suicide attempt, it was thoughtful and didn't fall into the pitfalls of magical super fast recovery/love heals everything, and some lines stuck with me, it was really good and comforting. But yeah if it's just a suicide/suicide attempt then I don't think it's good for me (but sometimes I still read it bc I'm a Dumb Bitch).

Dw you didn't come off as pushing 💜 I'll see how I feel about continuing it or not. I have to figure out if writing about suicide is positive or negative for me 🤔 I mean I'm not portraying John's suicidal crisis as a positive thing, and he reaches out to Harold, and considers he might get better so I don't think it's bad for me ? Another problem is that I have a tendency to drop my wips to write a new shiny idea I get, and then I never finish anything gkgkffjfjf I dropped the suicide fic for the body horror fic which I dropped for the time loop fic, and there's also the hanahaki fic I started last year but I haven't touched in months, plus a bunch of random shit floating around OneDrive lmao someone stop me

What helps the most is venting, just getting that shit out is helping y'know. I appreciate your support ♥️ at least it's not as bad as it used to be

I doubt Root will grow on me, catch me watching her scenes at 1.5 speed lmao, also yes you bet I'll enjoy watching them !!

Yes I remember that ep ! Iirc the little girl tells Shaw she has feelings but the volume is lower than in other people or smth along those lines ?

I hope she'll grow on me bc she seems cool. I remember I was a bit afraid of her just becoming a sort of hollow copy of John, like "look we added another badass to the show". Seems to be more than that though ! Also I'm curious about their mayhem twins dynamic. But yeah if she has a lot of scenes with Root idk how much it'll annoy me

I feel like I wouldn't be able to get the Shoot chemistry bc I'm too biased against Root lol

Ikr the crossing hurt me so much. But thinking about it takes me back to my careese days and my first fics lol. I feel like the death of one of the core four + the abandonment of the library really alienated me from the show (did I already say that before ?). And here I'm gonna shamelessly derail from Carter to the library bc boiii do I have a lot of feelings about the library !! And you're here, talking about poi, so you're the perfect subject to throw these feelings at. This post really says what I feel about it (I'll put the link at the end as well if you wanna read it after you're done with this l o n g reply). It was in a way its own character and its forced abandonment/destruction really hit me (fucked me up when they broke that glass board). It says something that it's one of the few things I remember from S3 along with Carter's death and 4C. I loved it a lot, it was a cornerstone of the show. It was a safe place, a home for Harold and John (and Bear !). I love when they're together in there, I love this cracked glass board, this yellow stained glass in the windows !!! (at least I assume it's stained glass ?), these lights, Bear's cushion, the whole cozy/safe/isolated feelings, just absolutely everything. And yeah later they have the subway, idk when it's introduced I don't remember if it's early enough for me to have watched it. And maybe it's nice, I can't judge rn. But it's like trying to give me a new MC after a MCD, make him as nice as you want I'll be clutching the previous MC until I die. Gkfkfkff I went overboard and off topic but I just love the library ok

Ikr I love how he's badass but also gentle and understanding and nice to people ! I love him !!! Yeah wolf and cub is really good, also I love when John smiles to Darren at the end !! I use this moment as my pfp bc I love it so much. He's just so cute ! I wish he smiled more (did we ever hear him laugh in the entirety of the show ?). Baby blue is so great, Harold and him are such a married couple in this ep ! Yeah same more content with John and children would have been nice.

I never thought about how much we needed a John Taylor scene but yes !! We were robbed :((((

Speaking of John being a cool badass. Here's a badass John vid rec it's super good

Yeah they were cute in the past. I think it's good he went back to her bc it gives closure to both of them. But I don't see their relationship working again. She grieved, probably started to move on after all these years and knowing he lied all this time probably won't make her want to go back with him. I've never been in love so what do I know lol, but were I her I probably wouldn't want to go back with him and I'd just be happy knowing he's alive after all.

Same I need more Zoe (also she's hot)

Lmao let's just forget about that weird relationship shall we

Aren't we all the same, firmly believing he's alive and happy out there ! It was foreshadowed since the first ep and it made sense but do I care ? No, fuck that shit John is very much alive

You're welcome ! John needs all the comfort and the love !!! I think I have a preference for fluff bc he gets hurt enough in the show lol

Indeed they can, veryyy far away from us

Sry if this is shit I have like half a functioning braincell today

The post abt home bases I mentioned

1 & 30 for any pair of your choosing, or if it helps: stancom :)

First of all, I would like to say I am so, so sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to this, I started drafting it and then I went out of town and just forgot about it for awhile, so I hope what follows can make up for it.

The prompts I was given by @monstersscream were 1)Roommates and 30) Suddenly flustered by a particular outfit. I don’t know who else I would choose, so Stancom it is. Also, I am very aware of how unrealistic this would be, but I think it would be so cool to do.

- The Losers are all in college, I won’t talk about all of them, so you can fill in the blanks with whatever you want

- Ben is majoring in journalism (I say this because even though I’ve technically only seen the 2017 movie, I’ve read a few fics and Ben seems to be giving off a very bookish writer vibe and I think he would really love journalism)

- Stan is going to be a counselor or psychologist (I don’t know what the actual major is called, let me know in the comments POLITELY) (I chose this for Stan because I don’t want him to die and I want him to get better and decide that he wants to help others and ya) 

- Beverly is a fashion/design major. She’s been this before in sooo many fics and I LIVE FOR IT

- Before I say anything else, let’s establish that Stan and Ben are in a relationship. They’re not out to anyone yet, because they’re not quite comfortable with how things might  go, like they saw how much shit Richie and Eddie went through in high school and it was. not good. 

- now, my objective for the post: The Met Gala. When I was trying to figure out how to write this, the Met Gala was just going on. Because it’s so expensive, I obviously wanted to go, but I’m broke and Canadian. Similarly, the Losers are very broke and from small town Derry, Maine. They;re not going to the Met Gala. 

- They’re going to the Mock Gala. It’s probably the biggest event their university has all year. Every major has a part in creating the event. It’s a sort of final exam for senior students. 

- Math/physics/architecture majors (cough cough Bill is architecture cough cough) design their dream building to hold the Met Gala (it’s just held in the school gym because they’re not building something new every year)

- Fine arts (painting, drawing, photo, graphic design, etc) curate the event like how the Met Gala has art all over the fuckin place, pardon my french and that’s so big for them.

- the gym is the biggest room and there are a few classrooms around it that they use. 

- okay okay okay back on track

- Fashion/design majors like Bev do the outfit. 

- Journalism/photography are, obvs, there for reporting and yearbook 

- I mean c’mon it’s their biggest event you think they’re not going to have coverage for this?

- everyone else goes to be the guests and fill the seats. It’s super fun. 

- Stan, because he is not out and Ben is basically doing his final exam right now, goes with just some friendly girl in his class call her whatever you want idc

- Ben is, obvs, a reporter

- Bev, who has a nose for these things, kind of knows about Stan and Ben. She’s with them all the time there’s no way she doesn’t. Anyway, she assumes they’re going together, because why can’t you just “go as friends” (we all know how bullshit this is) designed both of their outfits

- They both asked separately, but she just did it because she did

- so she made them to match, and because they’re roommates it’s not that weird to send them both back with one of the boys the next time she sees them. 

- Cue the night of the event, they;re getting changed and they go out, and then they see each other at the event because timing or something

- I don’t really have a reference picture for this - orginiallly I was thinking something like Serena Williams’ dress from the Met Gala but I looked closer and realised that’s not quite what I wanted so I revised and came up with two suits:

- one is dark blue, with yellow swallow prints and a yellow tie with forget-me-nots. I’m giving this to Ben, because I think he’d look great in the shade of blue that I’m thinking of.

- the other one is the opposite; yellow with blue swallow prints and a blue tie and little black-eyed susans (flowers).

-They show up at the event and see each other and it takes a moment but then they realise: they’re matching.

-they get lots and lots of questions from Ben’s classmates and Ben thinks he might have a chance to get a really good mark with the inside knowledge if he doesn’t give too much away

- Stan is a little overwhelmed but he’s so excited. He’s been thinking of coming out for awhile and this, if Ben agrees to it, is a good way to do so. and, potentially, it could cause drama if he doesn’t tell his date and then proclaims Ben as his date and bla bla bla u get the point

- but the thing is.... Ben and Stan look amazing in suits

- it’s college so it’s not like they’re dressing up every day and it’s been so long since they wore more than maybe jeans and a t-shirt

- the pants get a little tight for both of them when they first see each other just because they’re both so stunning. Stan is wearing makeup, courtesy of his date and it looks amazing. long story short, they spend most of the night trying not to stare at each other because then people will only ask more questions and Ben has a final to complete

- when they get back to their apartment, they have to try very very hard not to ruin the suits but they just want to go down on each other because god it’s been a long night of staring at a very hot boyfriend and if that doesn’t do it for them nothing does

- legit they’re so horny like they can just smile at each other and skip class because they’re fucking

- waking up in the morning, Ben thinks, as he looks over to Stan, whose makeup is smudged everywhere and whose curls shine like gold in the morning sunlight, the way a scarf couldn’t hide the hickeys on his neck, that he is so, so lucky to have Stan and to have everything he does now.

- Later that day, he gets around to writing his final piece, and, yes, it’s about him and Stan and all the other matching couples at the Mock Gala

-It’s amazing he gets A++++

- Anyway Stan and Ben are so hot for each other in suits (and regular clothes) and nothing can convince me otherwise.

Okay so I got a lot off track here, and I’m sorry for that. This is why I was trying to write it out earlier, but it’s been so long and I didn’t want to not answer this so here we are. I hope you all like this. Have a good night. :)

Season 5 Blarke Headcanons to Break Your Fucking Soul

I started writing these after the spoilers so I guess a few are canon already but whatever. This is what I’ve been crying about every night and screaming at @octanakin whenever she’ll listen. Join me in pain. Also, I know @asweetdeception told me to make bullet points sooooo....  Oh and feel free to use any of these for a fic, just tag me so I can cry about it!

Blarke

Bellamy finding Clarke’s cell while looking around the Ark (I don't care if it’s not on the ring let me live) and finally breaking down when he sees her art, sobbing and repeating how sorry he is for leaving her

Clarke keeping a tally of how many days they've been gone on the wall (its already canon this hoe is did that™)

Every year on the “anniversary” of losing Clarke, Bellamy sits by that window, looking down at Earth and has a drink for Clarke.

And every year he tells her he still misses her and he should've told her he loved her when he had the chance.

Similarly, every year Clarke sits under the stars and tells Maddie stories about the boy in the stars and their struggles on the ground and how he’s coming back for her one day.

One night, Raven finds him sitting in Clarke’s cell, staring at the wall. They sit all night and talk about Clarke and Finn and how you never really get over losing the person you love.

***I wouldn't be surprised if they started something but just know i don't want it because then they’ll use it as lazy writing to add tension to blarke in s5 and raven deserves better.

She talks to him on the radio every night, even if he can’t hear her. She says she wishes they had more time, they deserved more time, and when he comes back, they’ll get it. (again ALREADY CANON. kinda)

She doesn’t even know if they survived up there or not, but she believes in her friends, and she believes in Bellamy.

What neither of them know is that ALIE is still up there and she’s the one preventing her radio signal from getting through.

The first year was the worst for Bellamy. He had nightmares almost every night and was irritable with everyone until Raven sat him down and told him this isn't what Clarke would’ve wanted.

Clarke’s wall is covered in pictures of her friends, so she doesn’t forget what they look looked like. But there’s more of Bellamy than anyone else. 

They were supposed to go back after 5 years.

He was supposed to come back for her after five years.

On the sixth year that Bellamy has a drink for her, Raven joins him and they talk about how great she was. How much she loved them, and how hard she tried, and how proud she would be of him.

On the sixth year without him, Clarke lays in the grass, looking towards the stars, and wonders why he isn't back yet. Because he’s not dead, he can’t be dead. She talks to him like he can hear her. She asks him where he is, like always.

As Bellamy and Raven share memories and drink, the radio at his hip suddenly goes off. At first it’s a cloud of static. Then, he almost catches a voice.

Clarke cries.

They stare at each other wide eyed, and scramble to hold the radio closer. They think they catch a woman asking “where are you?” Then the radio goes quiet, like she was never there. Bellamy doesn’t realize he’s shaking. He whispers her name. (highkey this is how i want the s5 premier to end even if the finale kinda trashed it idc this is my dream)

Clarke imagines a night where she does hear his voice talking back to her. It’s how she gets to sleep.

They don’t sleep for 3 days trying to find the radio signal again. They don't.

Nobody else believes him. They don’t think they should try to go down yet. It could've been anyone. Maybe he just heard something, he was drinking.

“I left her once, I’m not leaving her again. If there is even the slightest chance that was her voice and she is still alive down there, WE ARE GOING BACK.”

Raven has his back though and says they’re going to get her because she’s a true hoe *sunglasses emoji*

Personally, I’m thinking that ship is the mining colony everyone freaked out about in the articles, but I’m also totally on board for our delinquents to be with them, because I'm impatient.

When she sees him again its like he was never gone. He steps forward and his hair is just a little longer, he's got more wrinkles around his eyes. But it’s him.

When he sees her after 6 years its like seeing a ghost. Her hair is shorter and skin is dirtier, but then she smiles at him and its her.

They crash together and it feels like those six years never happened. They’re both crying and holding each other as close as they can get and he’s whispering apologies in her hair and she’s mouthing forgiveness into his shoulder. 

He immediately bonds with Maddie and Dad Mode™ activates. (Boy’s been in space without kids around for like 6 years, he's having withdrawals)

Delinquents

Emori gets pregnant and Murphy loses his shit because he’s not ready for that. Have you met him??

Uncle Bellamy is always there to help though

They make contact with the mining colony around year 3. There’s a sassy, headstrong captain thats got a thing for our own Raven Reyes (male or female i don't care someone just come along and put my girl first) and Bellamy won't stop teasing her about it.

Eggs is still trying to get into Bellboy’s pants and he’s still having none of it, but he oddly enough finds her easier to talk to, since he doesn’t really give a fuck about her opinion.

Monty finds Bellamy at the window one night and they both make a toast to their fallen friends. Bellamy tells jokes about all of Jasper’s pranks. Monty laughs about how everyone used to call them Mom and Dad. 

Bellamy gets hit in the head one day and gets selective amnesia where he forgets he ever had a sister. No one reminds him because they all hate her too. Bellamy is finally free of the white devil.

Its basically a hot mess the first month and Murphy won’t stop making jokes about drinking Bellamy’s piss.

Emori and Eggo are still amazed by everything 24/7

Raven takes on Emori as her new best friend and apprentice and they like to tease Murphy about being a shithead. I just want Emori to be friends with all the delinquents and finally have a family. (But Raven most of all.)

Harper is the first delinquent to try and actually befriend Eggo because she’s a ray of sunshine and its awkward at first, but they're cool now.

Monty helps the mining colony grow weed and then he smokes one out for Jasper.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been crying about. Probably add more as the hiatus goes on, and I cannot stress this enough THESE ARE HEAD CANONS. WHILE I MAY REALLY WANT SOME OF THEM TO HAPPEN THIS ISNT ALL SPECULATION OR A DONE DEAL. THIS IS JUST WHAT I IMAGINE TO AVOID THE TEARS. So plz don't come at me telling me I’m being unrealistic, I know I am. 

Wtf? ''Kaneki is only with Touka because Hide is dead''. I'm anti touken but that's bullshit. They're friends, just friends. Kaneki's never showed any romantic interest in Hide (or anyone else, including Touka, in series).

You know, that post was just me being salty and any other day I would just shrug it off and and answer this as: yeah idc. 

But… People keeps insisting Hide and Kaneki are only friends. It’s funny to me, because it makes me think they all see their friend the same way Kaneki sees Hide, but the way Kaneki sees Hide is so utterly romantic? 

Maybe it just come from how I understand the world. In the end, that’s it, every interpretation is proyecting in some way or another. But I have little friends. Close ones? Probs ten, that including online folks. When I got into high school, I was friendless, zero. In the last year I met this wonderful people, a girl and a boy. They became my best friends. 

And even when we moved, I never felt “consumed by the desire to see them again.”

Because in friendship, closeness doesn’t really matter. You miss your friends and you want to be close with them, and goddamn, sometimes I wish I could have them every day next to me. But to be “consumed by the desire to see them again”?? 

That’s such a heavy shit. 

It sounds so romantic as well. I don’t know. Even if I felt that way, I think I could never said it out loud. Unless of course I don’t mind being romantically involved with them. You can say indeed that Kaneki is just being too nostalgic, that he only sees Hide as a bro (btw, I wouldn’t talk about my actual brother this way either, even though I miss him). But it is just so funny to me that a literature student talks about their friend in such a romantic way. Kaneki should know what the words mean and in which context they can be used. 

Then there is the fact that this was said and then IMMEDIATLY after Touka kissed him. 

Let me ask you a question, there would be any doubt in a narrative that a character is second plate, if Kaneki were talking about how much he misses Hinata-chan, his female childhood friend, and then Touka immediatly kisses him? 

And there is also the fact that Kaneki felt “so lonely without him”, that Kaneki thinks that if it weren’t for Hide he wouldn’t even make it, that he says in a light novel: “–But up until now, we’ve been together… maybe this sounds a little dramatic, but to me his existence is something I depend on as much as my heart… If that sort of thing were to disappear, I wouldn’t have anywhere to belong to.”It is the fact that Rize as a hallucination, and as such, Kaneki himself, told him “and your precious Hide-kun” as a separate entity of all his friends”

It is the fact that Hide is literally the person he wants to be, there has been thousand of metas about how Haise was, in many ways, a mimick of Hide, and while I don’t completely agree, I do think Haise is too entusiastic and Hide-like to be a coincidence. 

Yeah. Kaneki totally sees Hide as a bro. Kaneki is a super heterosexual dude who has never wished anything more of his sunshine friend, the guy who literally and figurative has saved him from insanity, more than once. 

Let’s also not forget that tg root a, Ishida approved even if they cut all the good stuff, gaves us an ending where Kaneki explicitely chooses Hide over Touka. 

(We’ll always have that shitty anime adaptation. And the good music).

I don’t even have to make this shit up. It’s rght there in the text. Hidekane couldn’t be more romantic, and if Hide had a pair of boobs, you’ll see his sacrifices for Kaneki went beyond friendship too (but we’re talking about Kaneki, not Hide). It just annoys me, because if you change any of their genders, they would be the endgame pairing, the pairing you’re clear it’s gonna become canon at the end of the story, people wouldn’t be giving up their hopes on a Hide return, they would be certain that it would happen any day, because shipping. 

But they’re both dudes, and thousand of people keep seeing this guys who would sell the world and themselves for each other, who literally see/saw each other as the reason to keep living (explicitly from Kaneki’s part and implicitly on Hide’s) as a purely platonic friendship. 

Sure, right. 

Man, you guys do have intense friendships. And I thought I was too gay with my best friend. Kudos on you for having relationships this intense. I personally don’t, which may be why I’m biased. My bad. 

To be honest, I’m not really mad that people doesn’t think there is such thing in the text or they don’t like it, that’s okay, I don’t think everyone has to believe Hidekane ever stood a chance. But it does annoys me a bit that people doesn’t even see why people ship Hidekane, as if a strong friendship that develops into romance wasn’t a beautiful concept. 

I’m not saying that Hide being the only thing keeping Kaneki alive is truth now, because it isn’t. Kaneki has a lot of friends now, Kaneki loves them, and Kaneki knows this. But if you think Kaneki has forgotten Hide in any way or form or that Hide isn’t still the most important person in his mind, well, I don’t know, it’s okay that you think that, because, duh, it’s fiction and you can interpret it however you like. But if we know something of Kaneki, is that he feels intensily, and I just find unrealistic that he moves Hide out of that dear place. But again, my interpretation, my gross powerful proyecting. 

Also, you’re technically incorrect. Just because Kaneki clearly didn’t want to be with Touka by the end of TG, doesn’t mean he didn’t have a romantic interest for her at one point. He did. And he does now again, no matter if we think is ooc or incorrect or narratively ecky. Kaneki loves Touka, finito, the text says so. And he also had a crush on her as Haise, there’s that.  

And he has also shown romantic interest to Rize. And you could even argue than Tsukiyama, with intense shipping googles of course, but you can still argue it. xd

(sorry for the mistakes, english is not my first language and i’m a bit busy to edit). 

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a letter to nobody

mnmI want to start all of this out by saying I love you a lot. You are the most important person in my life. You have been there for me through some serious shit and for that, I will be forever grateful. But things aren’t copasetic and haven’t been for quite some time. I’m not trying to play the victim here by any means because I have done my fair share of fucking up in the past. But I’ve been saying this stuff about being unhappy repeatedly for months. And you just always seem to find a cute little way to make me feel like I’m over exaggerating or being dramatic. Nothing is ever a big deal to you. Things are a big deal to me sometimes. My emotions are pretty black and white as I’m sure you’ve noticed. I am apparently incapable of seeing the grey area until after I’ve had time to sit and think and evaluate how I could’ve handled the situation better. I can’t handle being constantly unhappy anymore and a lot of that stems from our failing relationship. I know that if this gets resolved or ended, at least I’ll have a great weight lifted off my shoulders so I can focus on getting other aspects of my life back on track without added stress or distractions. 

Issues that I believe are causing this rift and inability to actually WORK as a couple:

1. Schedule differences. - I am not blaming this on you, your job hours are different than mine. Although sometimes I stay up later than I prefer to, just to wait for you to get off work to hang out. You never have returned the courtesy and maybe gotten up early to hang out with me before you go to work. I am unemployed at the moment and almost always at home, which is located less than half a mile away from your job. You are inflexible and everything we ever do has to be centered around your schedule and desires. That is unfair to me and I no longer wish to put up with it. (A reason to break up). You are asleep all day while I’m up (usually working) and by the time I’m getting home for the day, you are just waking up for the first time and rushing into work where you continue to be inaccessible to me, and halfway through your shift is usually my bed time. So basically we never get to even speak. 

2. The week you ignored me. - Although I understand why you were so furious with me. It should have been addressed and discussed. I fucked up by putting our business on blast on Facebook, but to this day I don’t think I warranted that. And now I won’t be able to really ever trust you or will have to tiptoe around what I say to you in fear of being ignored again for another week. (A huge issue for relationships and a reason to break up).  I honestly haven’t been able to get over it no matter how hard I try to. And am scared I will always carry around this secret resentment towards you which is unhealthy to a relationship. We are absolutely horrible with communication. Anytime I try to bring up something that is bothering me or whatever, 

3. Hanging out - When we even DO hang out, it literally always has to be centered around alcohol. You can't ever just take me to dinner or a movie like normal couples? Just gotta sit on the floor in your small and poorly ventilated room while you play a bunch of music or tv shows that I don't know or care for. That is literally *all* we ever do together and I’ve gotten extremely bored with our monotonous routine. (Another thing I don’t want to deal with anymore)

4. Your drinking - I know at first, I used to always drink and party and go out with you and maybe you miss your drinking buddy (me) but at the same time, your alcoholism is ruining our relationship and at this point I think it always will cause problems and rifts between us, and I already know that alcohol will beat me in a fight for you any day cause that's all you really even care about. It’s already a problem now, so imagine what our lives will be like 20 years down the road? i can see it now: you drunk and me miserable 24/7. 

5. Life goals - nothing in regards to careers or anything, but more what you want out of life. I personally want to be married soon. I’m ready for that next step in life. I had my whole hoe phase, and my whole party girl phase, and got all that “sow your wild oats” shit out of the way and I’m ready for something more substantial. At our age, I think its very important to think about these things because we’re at the age now where most people start to settle down. I’m one of those same people. I definitely want a husband, and yeah I do want kids later on in life. You don’t want either of those things. So my thoughts are, “well why am I wasting my time with someone that doesn’t want the same end goal as me, when I could be letting guys that DO want to settle down and get married and stuff pursue me?” if that makes any sense. As many pros as there are to this relationship, unfortunately, we are focusing on what isn’t working right now in order to come to a resolution. 

What I would need from you to make things better on MY end:

-more conversations. we literally never discuss anything that needs to be discussed, and this whole sweeping it under the rug and pretending that nothing wrong thing has GOT TO GO. I don't like it and never will get on board with that. shit needs to always be out in the open, no matter how ugly it is. 

-sex in a BED and not on the ground like actual dogs, and also quiet sex is whack too

-I want to celebrate holidays and birthdays and anniversaries like normal fucking couples. I know that's more a “girl thing” but idc. I’m not going to pretend i’m okay with the fact that we didnt do anything together for Christmas or Valentines day......... our anniversary is in late November sometime after your birthday. 

-more time together. i really shouldnt feel so alone all of the time if i’m dating someone?

-stop getting my hopes up for stuff then dropping the ball and sleeping through it or just blowing it off (camping, our late valentines date we were supposed to do, etc) 

-stop pushing what you like on to me so hard. I’m allowed to have different opinions and yours isnt any more “right” than mine (music, tv, etc)

basically what it boils down to is that i need a lot more attention and most importantly, RESPECT. You have zero respect for me and that is a big no-no for me. I need to feel loved. I need to feel important. I need to feel wanted and desired and all of those things. I don’t care if you think I’m being unrealistic or asking for too much. Im not asking you for anything you arent CAPABLE of. you are just going to have to put in a significant amount more of effort for it to work. i know i dont always say what you want to hear, but tough love is never easy to receive (trust me lol my dads col. bob) and i know i’m not always easy to deal with and i might not do the best job of showing it (i will work on that) but i do appreciate your patience you’ve had with me. im trying to get out of the whole “emotions are black or white” mindset.