now that i'm home and in moderate pain that isn't helped by the painkillers i get to repeat my favorite joke!

ah yes my favorite kind of painkillers. the ones that don't work.

Why the fuck am I the way I am

Saw a post that said "y'all don't deserve trigger warnings for this one" in regards to the atrocities in Palestine right now and there is something that makes me so indescribably mad about that.

Most importantly it is so deeply, disgustingly dehumanizing to the people in front of the camera that you are claiming to care for. Using someone else's trauma. Someone else's suffering. Someone else's pain. To in turn traumatize others? To guilt them? To intentionally trigger them because "they don't deserve it"? That does nothing. That does absolutely nothing.

How does stripping someone of their personhood and turning them into shock value trauma porn for the sake of proving a point to other vulnerable people do anything constructive?

What good does that do for the person in pain besides turn their pain into a tool to inflict further damage?

How does that help anyone at all?

"But it's awareness!!"

No it's not. That's not advocacy. That's not "spreading awareness". That's intentionally going out of your way to degrade, demoralize, and guilt people by preying on their sense of morality and using the horrors of genocide as a fucking prop for it. And you are a sick bastard for that.

dick owners who are bodily able and living in an enviromentally capable conditions to flush toilets in a shared bathroom but don't,

fuck you 🖕🏻

Okay I haven't watched the MCU in a while and honestly at this point all I care about is Bucky, Wanda, Loki and maybe Shangchi but I watched a summary of the baby Starlord episode and the Captain Carter episode of the new What-if (not really interested in watching the whole thing but Bucky's in it so yeah) and as a Cap girl who loves CATWS so much that it's one of my all-time favourite movie, what Marvel's doing to the whole Steve-Bucky-Peggy (that I've been having issues with since Endgame) is driving me insanely frustrated.

I fucking HATE it when people more or less lessen or ruin what was originally so well-written and performed in the original that serves to drive the character that led to them being so well loved

Like, stucky doesn't need to be queer romantic to be significant. (And I'm saying this as a Stucky shipper whose whole exposure to AO3 and Tumblr started with Stucky) It is a significant, important and heavy relationship REGARDLESS if it's platonic or romantic. Erasing that and forcefully making it Steggy doesn't work, drives the og audience away from Steggy and frankly, it's kind of homophobic

Also it's incredibly unfair that Steve's significance to Bucky remains while vice versa isn't, even though THAT'S ONE OF THE TWO DRIVING MOTIVATIONS OF ALL OF STEVE'S ACTIONS IN CACW. Are you really trying to convince me that a bond so deep that they've been inseparable all their lives since they were kids and well into their adulthood, is less significant, or is effective as a memory trigger (and I fucking studied the basic of memory recall) than the significant shorter Steggy romance? What the fuck????

I almost want to write a whole essay on the Steve-Bucky-Peggy relationship, but I currently have enough writing tasks (fics, emails, letters, essays) on my plate. I'll see if I wanna come back to it later.

rape is just a thing that may happen during war. we're not saying it didn't happen. it may have occurred. rape is not uncommon in war. it's not a weapon of war, there's no proof it's a pattern of violence against women, it's just something that happens for some reason.

is this too romantic? am I going too far? is there any other way to write romance than all in, all encompassing, perfectly magical? no. this is fine.

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake

it's so funny how I can meow more realistically than bark, if I try to bark it's just high pitched like a tiny dog, and if I meow, I sound like an old ass cat

I cannot growl or do other stuff though, I can do a cats "mmmmmmmm" when angry, and can hiss when scared (i don't do it on purpose actually) but other than that I still can't get the other noises yet 😭

I can do a bird sound tho

I haven’t been insane about Vi enough lately so time to pour out some random thoughts. free association thinking time:

been thinking about her “It's my savings. I wanna be rich, okay? So I can travel, eat well, buy cool stuff… So no one can say I can't do something!” And none of the following will really be insightful or revelatory because it’s just what she says here but. yeah! that’s vi! the main reason she’s so big on money is because she has to be to get what she wants out of life! it’s what lets her say no to people telling her what to do, and that’s important to her because she has no choice but to be independent and support herself. because no one else will. No one at the Hive had anything positive or supportive to say about her being an explorer until she went out and did it (to a ridiculously successful degree, too. I have to wonder if/how it might’ve differed if she was on a regular accomplishment level team. not the one leading them all to the mission to the Hive). she never had a choice not to be. I could also see that being a little part of why she starts out not really being a teamwork person. past experiences have taught her she can’t rely on anyone else for support. (does make me wonder about what if she’d met Chubee before leaving the Hive. obviously she still would’ve left, but how might even a bit of support have changed other things?)

I feel like we don’t talk about the fact that The Beemerang Is Also Knives enough

ok so at one point there was this post talking about people with money and how it affects their life like. if you can afford to get a nanny then you can only do the fun parts of childcare and when you stop feeling like taking care of the kid you can just hand them to someone else to take them away. and again likely not especially revelatory but I would guess that’s the kind of way queen bianca handled the bees as her daughters (she does care about them. absolutely. but not in the same hands-on attached way as we usually associate with parents) and thinking about how that kind of treatment would then apply to vi....hm

in universes where discussions of Gender and Pronouns etc happen I think she has moments where she gets frustrated with the everything of Being Referred To and Having Complicated Identity She Hasn’t Quite Figured Yet and is like. gender is cancelled how dare you refer to me. but especially anyone else calls me a girl ever i will be stabbing them

also I think a lot about what circumstances she finds out about gayness/Gender being things. and whether she’s thought about it in herself before and whether she’d been dismissed on it/told it wasn’t a thing etc. most circumstances she ends up angry about the finding out times because of (un)consicious internal conflict stuff

underground tavern stuff implies she was definitely doing quests and stuff for money with them precanon. would kill to know what specifically it was. but also the first talk with utter implies that she was doing stuff off that questboard as well which is even more intriguing. utter’s spy also implies you don’t have to be an explorer to do them but otherwise you would think you did I feel. so again very curious what was up there

I just came fifth place in a raffle of only four people.

I'm in a discord server of artists and their regular customers who are moving from twitter to bluesky. Thing is, bluesky is invite only, and new users only get one invite code per week, so the mods on the server agreed to hold a raffle so the invites would be assigned randomly instead of just to friends. For weeks I've languished while other people were chosen, and today it came down to me and three other people with three available codes.

Guess who drew the short straw.

C'est la vie. Somebody has to be last, so it may as well be me, right? This means I'm the only person who doesn't have a code yet, so the mods tell me that the next one is mine, gauranteed, that settles that! Well, wouldn't you know it, just then a brand new member joined the server, and the mods told me it wouldn't be fair to just give the next code to me, so the raffle is back on between the two of us.

TAKE A WILD GUESS WHO LOST THE COIN TOSS.

This is not random.

This is on purpose.

They're fucking with me.

You know what? Fuck em! If they didn't want me to join their fucking cool kid's club, they shouldn't have invited me onto their discord server in the first place! They shouldn't have bothered with the fucking raffles if this outcome was rigged from the start. What did I ever do to them? I don't even know half these people. I was mutuals with exactly one of them on twitter, I've bought commissions from ten or twelve of them over the years, I tip well, I don't make weird demands or act entitled, I haven't stepped on anyone's toes, I don't derail the server conversations, so why am I being singled out? It feels completely fucking arbitrary.

This isn't fair!

Nightcord Kaito is actually my favourite virtual singer from project sekai. He’s so angry I love him. (I changed his hair to kinda resemble the character from the original Samsa mv)

Today's Wife is: ...Guess who forgot yesterday? 🥳

I always thought I wouldn’t make it past 16 and now I’m 23 trying to make it through the day.

The feeling of being a problem, a disappointment a burden and extremely unwanted.

The cycle never ends every thought I had back then still goes through my head when will it end?

Can I continue

Should I keep trying or give up and except that this life isn’t worth living anymore

I’ve made it this far but can I do it much longer

// personal

"of course your dad loves you!" today i was feeling rlly sad and i had some terrible back pain, so much i nearly cried, and instead of asking me what was wrong, my dad just told me i could call a fucking uber, lol. and he was annoyed instead of showing any concern. just bc he was with his friends and he didn't want to deal with me.

fucking asshole.