sad headcanon q’s…  // 23. does your muse tend to be hard on themselves when they do something wrong?

oh, boy, y'all are REALLY starting off strong with these sad headcanons, huh? 😔 nah... i'm just joking around with you haha. it's more than okay for you to be asking me this question about barton, and i just wanted to say thank you so much for the ask, @cxpperhead!! sooo, trust me when i say that my answer to this is going to be a bit of a complicated one. let me start off by saying that barton doesn't typically agonize over what he does to people on a daily basis because he often lacks the ability to feel guilt + remorse. or, at least, he lacks the ability to feel it on the same level that other people would. this is partially due it being canon in my verse that barton is a person with undiagnosed ASPD ( which is antisocial personality disorder, for short. though i am by no means saying that this excuses his behavior... it's just an explanation for it ) and because he has conditioned himself to not feel bad about it most of the time.

but on account of the fact that sociopaths aren't incapable of feeling emotion as some of the stigma around the disorder might want to lead people to believe, since they have actually been known to experience a broad range of emotions ( albeit they are usually thought of to be quote unquote ' shallow emotions ' ) ... there have been / are times where barton has been considerably hard on himself for thing's that he's done. he quite literally hated himself after he, in his opinion, basically sent julien to his death in order to help the joker out with one of his 'schemes.' like he would just keep on torturing himself with these thoughts of how he should've known better than to trust that man with his son and that, no, this job that they were doing was NOT ' just like any other job. ' he was just being callous at the time and didn't stop to consider the sheer cruelty that the man has within him before it was too late.

and barton felt as if he couldn't live with the pain inside of him after knowingly lying to marceline, his late fiancée, right before she died despite the fact that that was the last good thing he could give to her in his opinion: some peace of mind. and nowadays, sometimes whenever he is acting particularly cruel to his children, it's like this switch inside of him clicks on that makes him think... 'wow, i really just said that to her / him? ' or ' i swore that i would never become like wesley, but i'm acting so much like him right now, ' and barton just kind of feels this profound feeling of ugliness inside of him afterwards that makes him criticize himself to hell. because i feel like if you were to dig inside barton — not literally, but figuratively — you would find that he does in fact have a heart but it's just so cold inside sometimes that it seems like it never generates any warmth.

barton, and you may see this as surprising for reasons that i honestly couldn't blame you for because he is demented and intentionally malevolent to those around him, also questions himself a LOT at night whenever he can't escape from his thoughts. he commits these super heinous crimes on a daily basis, after all, and sometimes it makes him really loathe not having the distraction of noise around him due to the fact that this is the time period in which he will really beat himself up about things. and i mean things not just in relation to the bigger parts to his wrongness but also in response to things like someone else treating him poorly, which he perceives as his fault, because he believes he deserved it. he also wants everything to be perfect even though that's literally an unattainable goal, so whenever he feels like he's failed one of his loved ones or abandoned them / betrayed them, especially for nothing... he has pretty unspeakable thoughts about himself if i'm being honest.

and this may all occur in the midst of him simultaneously feeling this deep emptiness because of just how different his life had turned out to be than what he imagined it as a child. but of course, his bad behavior now can't and shouldn't be excused by his upbringing, because that would imply that he wouldn't have to take responsibility for his actions. which he very much does. i just feel like barton's brain works in such a complex way sometimes, that not even he knows whether he's going to feel bad about something, or not. his sense of guilt is extremely stunted if not almost completely gone and so it's just like... kind of unpredictable, you know? but he knows that some sort of remorse related to whenever he does something wrong / him thinking very bad thoughts about himself will pop up because a part of him desires to not be doing this. and as a result, he kind of secretly craves punishment for everything wrong that he's done.

but anyhow, i hope that this was an insightful answer and that i was able to explain how barton's sense of guilt / remorse surrounding things he's done wrong in a way that makes it a little easier to understand how his brain works. because it honestly is pretty complicated, i'm not gonna lie, and i sometimes feel like i don't know how to articulate it myself even though i'm the one who's writing him (,: so yeah! thanks again for the ask, @cxpperhead!!

Solangelo x Hypnos child!Reader

A/N: Sorry, I think everyone may be a bit ooc!

Anyways, this is my first fanfic. I made a few minor changes, but other than that, I just took it from my Wattpad.

Please reblog and like so I know to post more! :)

This is my art btw <3

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So- I've had a crush on my friends Will Solace and Nico do Angelo for a while now. Needless to say I was a little sad when they got together. But I want them to be happy, so of course I haven't said anything. Lately though, they have seemed a little upset, so I have been doing my best to try making them happier, even if it's just a little.

This morning, well I say morning but it was more like 1pm, I was getting ready to go to archery with Will, when I started thinking about him more. About his golden blonde hair, his tanned skin, those gorgeous sky blue eyes- "Hey Y/n. Are you almost ready?" I hear the all too familiar voice ask me, bringing me out of my thoughts. When I turn around I see his bright blue eyes gazing at me. "Oh! Um- yeah! I'm on my way out now, " I say, attempting not to trip over my words. "Okay, I'll see you out there then," he smiles that breathtakingly beautiful smile at me, walking out.

Did he just wink at me? I think he just winked at me! Maybe it was just an eye twitch. Yeah, that's definitely more likely. He's with Nico anyway, why would he ever even LOOK at me if he has someone as amazing and beautiful as Nico?

My thoughts are racing, full speed, as I hurry to lace up my platform boots. "Goodbye favorite sibling" Clovis says as I leave, "Goodbye favorite brother" I reply, racing out the door.

When I finally reach the archery range, I see Will and Nico having a pretty serious looking talk, they're both frowning. After a minute, it seems they have reached an understanding, as they are now smiling and hugging. Then they kiss. As they turn to look at me, I can feel my heart swell with emotion. I try to stay strong. I move to grab a bow and quiver, I stand in front of a blank target. I've always been good at archery, so I was sure to do well once again. Apparently my emotions took over and I miss one after another, the last one pins an Apollo kid to their cabin as they are walking out (sorry Lincoln), luckily it only went through his shirt, so no one got hurt.

Once that happens I can feel the corners of my mouth tilt downward and the tears finally slide down my face. I throw down my quiver and bow, and run toward the woods. A couple years ago I found a small clearing of trees that had been hidden away from the path. It's where I go when I'm sad or upset. I sit, knees to my chest between two trees, where I always go to cry.

I think it may have been an hour when I see Clovis, my half-brother and also the only other person that knows of this place, coming over to me. "Are you okay? " he asks in a gentle voice, "I heard you pinned an Apollo kid to his cabin," he lets out a small laugh. "Yeah.. " I say, trying to keep the sadness out of my voice. "So, what happened today?" he asks me. I respond, " I - I saw Will and Nico kiss.. Then I tried to do something I'm usually really good at, and I couldn't even do that right.. " the tears start to fall again. He hugs me to him, "They've been looking for you for the last hour and a half. They seem really worried about you."

He stays with me for a while. "Do you think you're ready to go back to camp? " he asks when I've stopped crying for a few minutes. "I think so.. " I reply, slowly standing up.

He walks with me all the way to our cabin. "Come on, you should get some rest and freshen up before dinner " he tells me when we get inside. "Thank you" I tell him, " You're the best brother I could possibly ask for, " I tell him. I really am very grateful for him. I walk over to my bunk, take my boots off, lay down, and immediately pass out as my head hits the pillow.

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ time skip- about 3 hours later ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

Somehow, Clovis is able to wake me up 𝘣𝘦𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦 the horn for dinner so I have time to freshen up. When I go to the bathroom mirror the first thing I notice is how red and puffy my eyes are from how much I cried. Even more upset with myself now, I decide it's time to bring out the clippers.

ʕ'•ᴥ•'ʔ time skip- about 7 minutes later ʕ'•ᴥ•'ʔ

I gave myself a haircut. Of course, just like every other mental breakdown, I had to do something to my hair. Unfortunately I didn't have enough time for hair dye, so- haircut. I apply a small bit of concealer under my eyes to try hiding the redness. It doesn't hide much, but I think it worked well enough.

I walk out of the bathroom and go to my bunk to lace my boots back up. Just as I finish with that, Clovis walks over and sits down next to me, half asleep. "Are you feeling any better? " he asks, his voice heavy with sleep. "Yeah.. I think I just overreacted a bit back there," I confess. The horn, signaling it's time to go the pavilion for dinner, startles us both making sure we're awake.

As we're making our way to our table, I spot Will and Nico staring at me, immediately looking away after realizing that I've noticed them. When I sit down with my siblings, I see that they're all looking at me. Clovis, being protective of me, glares at them, making sure they look away.

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ after dinner and Chiron's daily announcements ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

As Clovis and I are walking back to the cabin, Will jogs over with Nico in tow. "Could we borrow you for a moment Y/n? We should talk," Will asks me. I was about to respond when Clovis cut me off, "What do you need to talk to my sibling for? " he demands. "Clovis, it's okay." I tell him. "Are you sure?" He asks me, genuine concern in his voice. "Yeah, I'll see you later Clovis. I promise." He sighs and leaves begrudgingly.

As I look around, I notice that it's only Will, Nico, and I left in the pavilion. "We wanted to talk to you about earlier," Nico starts. After noticing that Nico would not continue, Will proceeds, "We were worried about you. What happened to make you so upset earlier?" "Oh, I uhm. IthinkIgotjealouswhenIsawyoukissbecauseI'velikedyouforawhile.... " I mumble together. "What was that?" Nico asks. "I said: I think I got jealous when I saw you two kiss because I've liked you both for a while now. And then I messed up miserably at something I'm good at. Everything's just been piling together-." I say slower.

They both look at each other. Will starts to chuckle, and Nico lets out a snort. "What are you laughing at?! I'm being serious!" I say, now getting annoyed at their, very rude, reaction to my confession. "Sorry! Sorry! It's just- we like you Y/n." says Will. "Yeah, I would hope so, we've been friends for a long time!" I say irritated. "Haha!! No Y/n, we love you, 𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘭𝘺. Not just like our friend." Nico clarifies. "So what are you suggesting?" I ask "Polygamy? I didn't know either of you were poly.." I say, unsure. They look at each other, Nico nods. Suddenly, Will moves in and KISSES me!! I am so shocked, I can barely move. The moment ends just as soon as it started though, and he moves away. As soon as he does so, Nico moves right to where Will had been just moments before, capturing my lips in his. This time though, I'm expecting it and I'm able to kiss back. After a moment, I pull back, and bring them both into a hug. I couldn't be happier!

Genshin Impact Scenarios

Hi, this is my first post and I write fanfiction and scenarios, really just anything that comes to my mind. Requests are always welcome! I'll set up rules later and what I'm okay with writing, as well as what fandoms I'll write for. Love ya'll and hope you enjoy!

P.S. since tumblr has a word limit I'm making this into a mini series!

They're your protective older brother and they meet your s/o gn!reader

Childe/Tartaglia/Ajax

Oh boy I feel sorry for your s/o

Older Brother Ajax cares about you a lot and only wants the best for you. So seeing someone else taking care of you, well he takes it as them taking his place as your protector

Ever since you were young he's always been taking you with him on adventures and showing you how to fight to protect yourself, but even so he's always been with you to make sure your safe

He sure doesn't trust anyone else to make sure your safe

Even though he's taught you how to fight, he doesn't let you know about his affiliation with the fatui, he never wants you to lose your light or your child-hood wonder

You love your brother but sometimes he can be a little too overprotective, so of course you choose to hide it from him that you have an s/o because knowing Ajax he's not going to give them a chance

However as much as you might try to hide it (and you try your hardest trust me) Ajax knows you too well. He's your older brother after all he can tell when you're hiding something from him

He doesn't make it obvious at first, he just writes it off as you just acting a little weird, but eventually he decides that after you've been disappearing for long amounts of time and canceling on him when you would usually jump at the chance to spend time with him, especially since he's been off in Liyue for quite awhile, he gets suspicious

He follows you one day when you leave the house all dressed up and seem happier than a clam

Ajax has no problem with that, he wants you to have everything this world can offer and seeing you happy brings back that spark he lost to the abyss, but why were you so happy for seemingly no reason?

Today wasn't any special occasion that he can remember

So he carefully follows behind you making sure that you don't notice him trailing you

Eventually you stop at some restaurant

He is SO confused poor boy doesn't understand why you would want to go get food from a restaurant all alone (you hadn't mentioned going out with friends?) especially when he made a point to tell you he was cooking this morning (no one can change my opinion his cooking is literally the best)

So when he sees you sit down at a table and seem to be waiting for someone, he decides to get a table close to you, not close enough for you to see him, but close enough for him to hear you

Anyways it had been about five minutes and you had ordered your drink and he was getting worried and had just about had enough of sitting watching you, but just as he was about to get up and go over to you and ask if you were okay and if you were upset, instead of at home

This boy honestly thinks he did something wrong for you to have not been spending as much time with him, it never occurs to him that you could be seeing someone, your his wonderful younger sibling who looks up to and adores him, and all his stories and skills that he teaches you

Honestly he basically raised you and your siblings with how much he loves you all, he always makes you feel safe and happy

Anyways back to your s/o, they they showed up just before Ajax could go over to you, and low and behold before he could even think who they were and why they were showing up with you for breakfast, they go and kiss you!🤯

Ajax exe. has stopped working. Who in the HELL has the nerve to kiss his sibling! Well he's about to find out. He starts stomping over ready to give this person a piece of his mind when something even MORE shocking happened you kissed them BACK, now he really stops in place for a second before he almost seems to teleport in front of you and pushes you two apart

To say you were shocked was an understatement, you were so startled you almost choked!

AJAX?! What are you doing here?!

Your shock quickly turned to panic when you saw your brothers steel gaze that looked downright murderous towards your s/o

Ajax decided to ignore you for the moment his attention was on your s/o who to their credit was calm and didn't look scared at all...yet at least Ajax thought

Your s/o as calm as they were, they were visibly confused and they made their confusion known as they asked "who are you?"

Oh boy I feel sorry for your s/o

Older Brother Ajax cares about you a lot and only wants the best for you. So seeing someone else taking care of you, well he takes it as them taking his place as your protector

Ever since you were young he's always been taking you with him on adventures and showing you how to fight to protect yourself, but even so he's always been with you to make sure your safe

He sure doesn't trust anyone else to make sure your safe

Even though he's taught you how to fight, he doesn't let you know about his affiliation with the fatui, he never wants you to lose your light or your child-hood wonder

You love your brother but sometimes he can be a little too overprotective, so of course you choose to hide it from him that you have an s/o because knowing Ajax he's not going to give them a chance

However as much as you might try to hide it (and you try your hardest trust me) Ajax knows you too well. He's your older brother after all he can tell when you're hiding something from him

He doesn't make it obvious at first, he just writes it off as you just acting a little weird, but eventually he decides that after you've been disappearing for long amounts of time and canceling on him when you would usually jump at the chance to spend time with him, especially since he's been off in Liyue for quite awhile, he gets suspicious

He follows you one day when you leave the house all dressed up and seem happier than a clam

Ajax has no problem with that, he wants you to have everything this world can offer and seeing you happy brings back that spark he lost to the abyss, but why were you so happy for seemingly no reason?

Today wasn't any special occasion that he can remember

So he carefully follows behind you making sure that you don't notice him trailing you

Eventually you stop at some restaurant

He is SO confused poor boy doesn't understand why you would want to go get food from a restaurant all alone (you hadn't mentioned going out with friends?) especially when he made a point to tell you he was cooking this morning (no one can change my opinion his cooking is literally the best)

So when he sees you sit down at a table and seem to be waiting for someone, he decides to get a table close to you, not close enough for you to see him, but close enough for him to hear you

Anyways it had been about five minutes and you had ordered your drink and he was getting worried and had just about had enough of sitting watching you, but just as he was about to get up and go over to you and ask if you were okay and if you were upset, instead of at home

This boy honestly thinks he did something wrong for you to have not been spending as much time with him, it never occurs to him that you could be seeing someone, your his wonderful younger sibling who looks up to and adores him, and all his stories and skills that he teaches you

Honestly he basically raised you and your siblings with how much he loves you all, he always makes you feel safe and happy

Anyways back to your s/o, they they showed up just before Ajax could go over to you, and low and behold before he could even think who they were and why they were showing up with you for breakfast, they go and kiss you!🤯

The continuation will be posted shortly because tumblr just haaad to have a word limit 😅

Thoughts and Reaction to Guiltrip!

Alright, so this one is a bit more of a serious one for me. But I'll be going in order of the episode so the more serious talk will be a bit further down! First thing we get is this lovely moment:

I've already addressed it in a post, but I'll say it again here. Guiltrip is episode 11, several episodes take place before Guiltrip that we haven't seen yet, so this is awhile after Marinette and Luka broke up. We also know that Marinette has always had feelings for Adrien, even when she was with Luka. Luka always knew that fact too. None of this is new and is to be expected, obviously, when Love Square is endgame. But! I also want to point out here that this is just a soft look. Very gentle, very common. I see people looking at each other both in real life and in other shows all the time. A look that says "I adore you". And I think it's sweet! Very subtle, but enough. Something's wrong with Rose. We never get told (in this episode anyway) what it is, but it's a chronic illness that's a worry in Rose's life, ever since she was young. I feel really bad for Juleka, knowing that her friend's been struggling with an illness, and whenever something happens she has to worry about it alone. Also that really sucks when you try to cheer somebody up and make a joke, that because you were mislead about a situation you end up making things worse. Poor Marinette. :c Adrien when he realizes he's bumped into someone (and the pink bubbles to remind us of Marinette's feelings for him):

Adrien when he realizes just who it was he bumped into!:

Scroll up now and look at how Marinette was looking at Adrien earlier that day. It's the exact same look. Yet, something feels different from usual to me, idk. But continuing on. Marinette gets slightly jumbled with her words, but manages to give herself a kick and says nope not now! Good for her! You can't expect to change overnight, but she's working on it.

She looks to the side, gathering her surroundings for a split second and she misses the top step. I'd like to say that this is just a joke for the show but well, this kind of thing has happened to me a lot because I'm that much of a klutz so I feel for her here. (On Halloween I forgot that there was another step as I was walking down as I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't walk on my foot for 2 weeks. It's a serious problem, guys. Really. xDD) Marinette had told Adrien she's concerned it was something she said that upset Juleka and Adrien tells her while sometimes she doesn't make sense, what she says is never mean. This scene reminds me of when Ladybug's worried about something and Chat Noir's there to keep her grounded and remind her of how things really are. I very much appreciate seeing such a scene with Adrienette! Makes the Love Square much more rounded. Also the way he stops her and says let him go talk to her to try to help the situation and any possible misunderstandings from taking place. ;-;

Can I just say... oh my gosh. He went from determined, to hearing Marinette trying to comfort her, to looking with confidence "This girl is amazing." and the whole Ladynoir vibe I'm getting from this scene makes me happy. The thing that's unrealistic about this scene though is you expect to tell me that 8 kids went down those stairs and came up behind them and Marinette, Adrien, and Juleka didn't hear? XD Now here's where the serious comes in. Rose is hospitalized with an illness we don't know about, but has been a long-term thing that has Juleka really worried a lot. That must be so stressful :c I'm going to be honest and say I never really saw Julerose romantically. Like I can see how people do, but to me, I could see that their bond was really unique. It didn't really fit completely in the "BFF" category either. But if felt like there was more to them that I didn't really understand. I think the best example off the top of my head was during Zombizou, when Rose was going to help Chloe after she slid down Chat's stick and she went too fast for him to catch her. Juleka seemed especially worried and concerned for her. Rose never seemed to get concerned about Juleka in the same way Juleka was about Rose. Juleka's always been more protective and worried and it was always one of those things that made me go "hmm, interesting". Now this episode finally explains why and I'm honestly super glad for it. Because this kind of a relationship is not a common one in media, especially kids media. Partially because having such serious illnesses in young people is not particularly common, and having someone who's so caring and protective of that person is even less common. And most people probably don't realize how amazing it is to have health problems and then have someone in their life who acts like Juleka does for Rose. I had a life-threatening illness as a kid, one that still affects me greatly today. When in school, my friends knew about it without me having to say anything unfortunately, and while they didn't usually treat me differently, sometimes they were pretty ignorant and didn't understand why I wasn't "normal" like them. They asked questions that were harder ones to answer, and tended to forget my answers. I got a lot of "I know you have X problem but I still don't see why you can't..." as well as thinking I was lying if I said I wasn't well and couldn't go to a party, and that was hard to deal with, being limited in what you can do which makes you different and being judged for things out of your control. So seeing these kids who only know something's wrong with her, but are willing to do so much to make her life better and happier, not judging her at all, wanting to take care of her no questions asked was really heart-warming for me. I only had one friend during that time that was anything close to this. I never had to explain anything to him if I didn't want to. He never asked me personal questions I didn't want to answer. And he seemed to know what he could do to make things for me easier if I was having a hard time without me ever saying so. And this is another reminder to me that this show is aimed at kids. To show kids that they'll likely encounter someone around their age that's going through something serious like a health problem, and what that kid needs most is kindness and not to be made to feel like they're even more different from the other kids than they already feel. The way they handled that aspect of it for such a short, limited intro to it, I think they did good. I discussed this next bit with a friend. She mentioned it first, the trope where those with chronic or serious illnesses are usually an "inspiration". With this episode, you kind of get the feeling that because Rose's been through so much, she's therefore a really positive and bubbly person and it kind of gives off the vibe that if you don't view things the way she does, then you're not doing it right. "What matters isn't the problem, but how you handle it." While I agree with this, and that when you come out of or regularly deal with

such hard times, automatically trying to see the world better and brighter can easily happen, but it's not exactly realistic either, at least not to the extent Rose and other people the media has portrayed. For one, I think you have to have always been more of that kind of person from the start to realistically be so positive. As my friend said and I agree, positivity is just who Rose is, she's not who she is just for the sake of a trope. But honestly, when you've gone through something so difficult, and if life continues to throw you more difficulties on top of it, being positive so much can sometimes turn into a negative and be harmful too. When you've been through a lot, it's important to allow yourself to feel the negative too because it's part of dealing with such problems. And if you've been through a lot in life and you haven't come out of it being all sunshine and rainbows, always looking on the brighter side of things, that's perfectly okay. Life's hard and tends not to work out how we'd like, or even for the better sometimes. If being positive and hopeful after struggling is hard to do, you're not bad or wrong for feeling that way, everybody handles things differently. c: ANYWAY, moving on to the rest of the episode! Juleka being all irritated and worried that the class was going to expose her spilling Rose's secret xD While the situation isn't ideal, it's nice that this is the most involved she's seemed with everyone in the entire duration of the show. But Rose knows something's up, and I love that she talks to her about it and realizes that she should've told everyone herself instead of Juleka being the only one who knew. Which has been such a burden on her. (Oh no, what if this is a reflection of Alya knowing Marinette's Ladybug later on? I'm hoping not.) Ugh these children and how much they care about Rose! These kids are the absolute best. But then they kind of ruin it a little with going overboard. Which, frankly, I think is just ignorance of her situation really. I mean, we don't know what exactly is wrong with Rose. Just that she ends up in the hospital. If they knew about her condition, what causes her to get sick, what to look out for, etc, they'd be much more informed and much less likely to be frantic whenever something's not perfectly "normal" with her. All of these kids are going to be overprotective parents someday, aren't they?

Okay so like... are Adrien and Marinette going to question at all how Ladybug and Chat Noir showed up immediately after Juleka was akumatized, and no damage had happened outside of the school for it to be known to the public? Literally the only ones that could've possibly known were the class to have shown up that fast. ??? I am confusion. "I can't help my best friend face his father." "No, Nino..." Two things: The fact that THIS is what he's feeling guilty about? My poor Nino! Dx I just love him, he really doesn't get enough love and appreciation imo. Also, um, isn't Ladybug like right by Chat? Didn't she hear that? What? Idk but I feel like we're really missing something here. Usually we get things that are kind of hints, that make us wonder if they know right, but this? This is a bit too blaring-in-your-face, and there's two major things so close together. Really strange. Chat about to use Cataclysm on himself. Good grief that was not expected. Chat Blanc threatened to destroy himself along with everything else. Now Chat Noir while affected with negative emotions from an akuma almost Cataclysmed himself. This show really is getting deep and dark isn't it. o.o Also is there something Adrien needs to work out with someone...? Daizzi and Rose saying the other's so cute, ugh they're both so cute! And Pigella's costume and transformation is so adorable omg. Okay so Pigella's power allows people to see their biggest wish, the thing that'd make them the most happy and feel positive emotions. I know some people probably think "That's it?" Considering that Shadow Moth preys on people's negative emotions, such a power is actually extremely useful facing Shadow Moth. (And let's not forget, that while that's her power, she has the ability to fight and make a difference just from being transformed too) BUT AWWW Juleka's wish! And her face when Pigella said it aloud. ;-; Am I the only one wondering if Pigella may someday use her power on Shadow Moth and that's how they learn his motive? I'm so impressed with how Rose knew how to handle everything. She knew she can't slip up with Juleka. She knew to sneak away to detransform and come back as Rose. She knew to subtly give the Miraculous back so nobody would ever know she had it. Even Chat Noir had no idea! I don't know why, I'm just so very proud of that. "She doesn't need a Miraculous to be a superhero." She really has the characteristics of one, and I can't wait to see more of Pigella. Also I'm really wondering. This scene here:

All the kids that are part of that friend group are there...except Marinette and Adrien, of course. Alya knows why Marinette isn't there. But is she wondering about why Adrien isn't there too? LOL Marinette being like "I'm taking your pillow back, sorry! Gotta wait for it like everyone else." and the boys being like LE GASP. Marinette's right, she's not fragile! The fact Rose jokes with her and makes everyone laugh, and Chloe saying "Hey, why doesn't everyone laugh when I say something like that?!" Adrien: Because in your case, it's never a joke. Chloe: Hm, that's true. Which is super funny, especially how he just so casually says it. But also it really shows again how Chloe wants to be liked. She wishes the kids would laugh when she makes comments, but it's because they're said in a serious/obnoxious way, instead of making light of something like in Rose's case here, that they don't. I know she talked about it with Ladybug in an episode, but it again shows that that's what she'd like. All that needs to happen is someone helping her get there. Maybe Zoe and Luka will somehow help with that later on. Anyway, this was a really great episode! I feel like some things might not make quite as much sense as they should if we got it in order, but what can you do when Gloob has to air them? Even a friend of mine who's been doing what she can to avoid spoilers, still got spoiled. She's having to delete tumblr to avoid future spoilers because people can't help themselves and tag things properly. So thanks Gloob. :P All we wanted was the episodes in order. We've waited this long for S4, we can wait a bit longer. But they gotta make money I guess. I'm glad other countries are trying their best to keep it in order anyway. c: Guiltrip also has some really great Adrienette moments, and covered a more serious topic which was really interesting and shows how much the show's changing. Especially with some of the choice of camera angles and movements! Like the zoom-in on the door with Adrien and Marinette, the boys LE GASP scene. Very cool artistic choices! Looking forward to the episodes that come before this one to try to help fill in some of the gaps! And apologies to those that frequently read these posts from me, I started writing it up late and couldn't finish so you get it the day after instead. xD

Auntie flow

Warnings- smut, period talk, period sex, shower sex.

Please do not steal or repost my content. Reblogs are welcome.

Wtf am I doing posting this.

Masterlist

Steve stepped into the elevator and pressed the button for his floor. He was so excited he was almost jumping. It had been a busy few days he hasn't had much time to spend with you. Luckily he managed to get his work done sooner so that he could go home and cuddle all night. Maybe you both can go out to eat, go to McDonald's drive through. He didn't consider that real food but anything to indulge you.

The elevator dinged and he stepped out pressing in the code for his apartment.

"Honey, I'm home", he called out for you, heloved saying that.

It was nice to come home to someone. You had only started living together a month ago but he still wasn't used to it. Usually you would come and jump into his arms. So to get no response from you was weird.

He stepped further in and saw you in front of the tv clutching your stomach. He ran to your side and started stroking your hair. "Hey, what's wrong?"

You looked up at him your lips quivering, "I'm dying."

"What? What happened?" He knew you tend to a tad bit overdramatic sometimes but he was worried nonetheless. The med bay was still open maybe he could take you there.

"Auntie flow is visiting and she is being extra bitchy this month," you whine. You did feel a little bad, he just got home from a long day and you were already venting.

"Oh no, sweetheart. Is there anything I can do?" he cooed.

"No. I just need to go lay down. I had to pick up my teams slack today so I'm just a bit frustrated."

"Alright. You go take a nap and I'll make us some pasta. I'll wake you up for dinner. Does that sound good?" You nodded and went to the bedroom to lay down.

He washed his hands and started on making dinner.

He hated this.

He hated feeling so helpless. There must be something he can do for you. He didn't have a lot of experience with periods. Except that one time you asked him to buy some tampons for you. He still found it weird that it just... sits in you all day.

While stirring the sauce he looked up periods on the internet. He read chocolates make women feel better. He could order some or go buy them real quick.

But then... he stumbled upon an article that said orgasms relieve cramp pain.

"Steve, can I help you?" He jerked when he heard your voice. He didn't hear you come in at all.

"Hey, you couldn't sleep?" he asked and put his phone aside for now.

"Well, I'm just uncomfortable," you whispered as you stepped in front of him and started toying with the buttons on his shirt. "It's been a week. I miss you."

Your relationship was still brand new, so you not being intimate for a week was making you so so horny. Maybe it was the hormones or seeing him be so caring or how fine his ass looked in those jeans.

Could be anything.

"It has been a busy week," he cradled your face and dipped down to kiss you.

"Let's go take a bath?" you whispered.

A bath would be very relaxing for you but it wasn't very practical. Steve's brain has always been very strategic he started thinking of places where he could please you the most, now that he knew his way around your body so well, if Bucky was alive he'd call him a 'stud'.

Which would be untrue. He was just a guy trying to take care of his girl.

"Hm... Let's go in the shower," he suggested.

You nodded and stepped out of the kitchen. He switched off the stove. He can make pasta later, he has to attend to his girl now.

He looked at you stripping your pajamas, in awe of you even though he'd seen everything so many times now

"What? You've seen me naked hundreds of times now," you said and rolled your eyes. You started setting the shower.

"Somehow you become more beautiful everytime." he kissed your shoulder as you felt heat creep up to your cheeks.

He wasn't a fan of living in the tower. There were so many buttons and settings everyday. It would be nice to have some simplicity. But now with his new family and his girl this was home and having a ridiculously huge shower helped in occasions such as these.

You both stepped into the shower and he started kissing down your neck to your chest. He sucked and left marks on your breasts and clavicles, making you gasp and moan.

The hot water and steam somehow making your skin even more sensitive and hot. You thread your hand through his hair. He looks up at you. You melt looking at the love and adoration in his eyes.

He dips down to capture your lips into a kiss. You close your eyes and lose yourself in it. You feel his fingers trail down your stomach and reach between your legs. You break the kiss to take deep breaths, biting his neck. He parts your intimate lips, rubbing your clit. You gasp, struggling to breathe, his expert fingers already making you dizzy.

He pushes a finger inside you and then another. He thinks about how your moans maybe the best sounds he has ever heard. How did he go so long without hearing them.

"Steve..." you moan "use two fingers."

"I am," he said.

"Then use three!" you whined.

Usually just two would be more than enough, on account of how thick they were, but your pussy was being especially needy tonight.

He added a third finger. It was a tight fit. He started pumping them as you grew more and more breathless. You were completely clinging to him. You screamed as you came and for a minute you felt as if you were weightless.

Forgot about how your activities had created a crime scene. How disgusting it should be or how you were made to believe it to be. But it didn't feel disgusting. It felt right because it was with the man you loved.

Steve didn't stop until you down from your high. He stood there for a minute holding you.

He abruptly picked you up with your legs wrapped around his waist and leaned you against the wall. You yelped, wrapping your arms around his neck.

He always enjoyed manhanding you and how you squeaked or yelped when he picked you up. It's in moments like these he is even more thankful to the serum. Old him would've never been able to make love to you for hours.

Hell, old him would've never been able to get a girl like you.

"You want more?" he asked between kisses.

"Yes. Yes, please. Get inside me. I wanna feel you," you pleaded.

He rubbed his cock against your drenched pussy and slowly slid in.

His breath hitched. He bit your shoulder. He slowly started rocking into you and then picked up his pace. He moaned when he felt you scratching down his back. It hurt and burned but in a way that left him wanting more.

He moved his head to look at you. Your eyes were closed, mouth wide open. It was a heavenly sight and with you wrapped around his cock it was a heavenly feeling as well.

He moved his hand from your hip between you and started stroking your clit. You gasped. "Oh my god I'm gonna cum," you come for the second time.

His thrusts became erratic and rough as he released inside you. He laid his head in your neck and you stroked his head.

You were still catching your breath. "I don't feel so terrible now," you said with a smile and made a mental note of never letting this man go.

***

After dinner Steve left saying he has some errands and wants to buy some groceries. It was strange because you already had groceries to last you for the rest of the month. When you asked if you could go with him he told you to stay home and rest.

The shower did help in relieving some pain and now you were watching some show waiting for Steve to get home.

He was back with huge bags in his hands.

"What's all this?" you asked him. It was a bit annoying how he picked now to go shopping. When you were in desperate need of sone cuddles and love.

"I got you some chocolates," he said handing you your favorite chocolates. You felt as if you were going to cry. Because chocolates... nothing would make you happier... "And... well, I saw these flowers in the store thought might as well get them for you," he continued handing you a bouquet of roses.

You kissed his cheek and thanked him.

"I also got some snacks"

"Snacks?" That perked you up. Steve never gets any good snacks, which was why you never let him do groceries. "What did you get?"

"These healthy vegan chips. They're supposed to be good for you", he says.

"Mmhm. Well I'll try them. For you, because I love you,"

"I love you too," he smiled.

Fruits Basket - Vol. 20

I want to try to break the book into three main chunks. The last time I did that, it was easier to write about. So uh, the first chunk has to do with Tohru and her feelings about Kyo, and Kagura's reaction, the second chunk is Akito and Ren's past being revealed (it's totally a mess but it's to be expected), and the third chunk is about things unraveling.

Ok cool let's do it. (The picture was at the end of one of the chapters, I just liked it a lot idk) (also tumblr needs to increase the character limit for the alt text, it's only 200 characters, which goes by quick. twitter has like,, 420, which is more manageable)

Tohru came to Kazuma's house to visit Izusu, and Kagura came to confront Tohru about something. What possibly could it be (as if I didn't say so in the beginning)? Kagura was talking about it a bit with Kazuma, and he said he just hopes that Tohru's feelings don't come from a place of pity (which is a mild "oof" point for Kagura, because that's mostly why she loved Kyo), because Kyo has had to deal with people either flat out hating him, or being nice to him out of a sense of pity. Even Kazuma admitted (earlier in the series. I don't remember when but I remember reading it) that part of the reason he took in Kyo as a child was because he was making it up for how he treated his grandfather, the previous Cat. Over time, those feelings fell away, in favor of genuinely caring for Kyo's wellbeing, but Kazuma doesn't seem to be the one who would forget about stuff like that. (Also it turns out that the previous Cat's partner basically stayed with him out of a sense of pity, as well)

It turns out that Izusu and Tohru were talking about the same thing, and Tohru worried if her feelings for Kyo were selfish, because she wanted nothing to take Kyo away from her, not the curse, not the Sohma family, nothing. Kagura then bust into the room, smacked Tohru across the fucking room it seems, and said, "Then fucking tell him that!!" (direct quote, 100%) Izusu yelled at Kagura for hitting Tohru, asking what right she had for doing that, but given Kagura's nature, it doesn't seem completely out of nowhere. She just got pretty emotional in that moment.

For Tohru, it seemed to knock the right screw loose for her, and she thought back to when she was talking about her father to Kyo, and if he said really anything against what she was talking about, she apparently would've just zipped her lips and pretended she hadn't said anything, and moved on, but he didn't. Which is pretty nice of him to do, honestly. Anyway, when she came to again (because she got knocked out from Kagura's emotion-packed slap), Kyo was sitting there, because Kazuma had called him, ("Hey dude so there was a smackdown here and Tohru got knocked out lmao" is how I'm imagining the call. kjdhkfgjh can you imagine Kazuma saying "lmao" I can't) but Kyo didn't ask about the fight (which was a Wise Lesson from Shishou™), another nice thing for him to do, though in my opinion it would be a pretty easy thing to explain.

Ok, so now onto the second chunk, which kinda has some of the stuff in the third chunk later on but whatever. Story flow, it's pristine today.

It starts with some of the,, maids? or something that are in the Sohma house (they never get names so far as I can tell, and I don't really know what to call them, but at one point someone referred to one of them as a maid, I think? Idk.) talking about Ren, and wondering why Akito still let Ren wander around freely like she does. Another said that Akito can only do so much, because apparently there is a crowd of people in the house that are "Ren-followers", and if she had Ren be completely contained within an area, there's a chance that those followers might start some shit, which would be a headache to deal with. One of the maids said that Akito has been sick (or holed up in her room) for too long, and the rest of the Juunishi are doing nothing to help, which does not help with Ren, who spouts out stuff about how the Juunishi doesn't really care about Akito at all. The maids seem to have a particular thing against Ren, because they view her as an unsuitable woman who somehow managed to become partners with Akira, the previous God, I think, but also the father of Akito.

Speaking of Akito, she has a box. That same box that Ren tried to use Izusu to get back. Something about that box has to do with Akira, and it seems important to both Akito and Ren, though honestly at this point Akito is probably just holding onto it out of spite for Ren, I wouldn't be surprised (I, too, am a petty bitch. I understand the mindset). She asked Kureno if he has any idea what is in it, and when he says he doesn't, she simply says, "Father."

Now we jump over to Ren and Shigure, who are also talking about about that elusive box. Apparently Shigure was tasked to get the box, but obviously he didn't succeed. He said (thought? He didn't say it aloud, it was one of those thoughts thing--- anyway) that he didn't really care, he didn't even want to touch that box, much less even look at it, it was no loss to him. Out loud, he says that it would be inappropriate for him to hold it, and Ren agrees, saying that only she can have it, just like how only she could have Akira, when he was alive. Are you already sensing where this is heading? Well, I'll say it anyway.

Flash back to Kureno, he's thinking about Akira, from when he was younger and Akira was still alive. He remembers Akira as very beautiful, in a fleeting way. Akira was sickly, all the time, and sad. Everyone knew that he wouldn't live for very long. But since he was the head of the house, of the family, it was imperative that he find a partner and produce an heir. That person was Ren, who was one of his care-takers. The rest of the staff (or something??) didn't like that she was going to be with Akira, it seemed unsuitable, but she was the only candidate. She was the only person who recognized how lonely he was, is what Akira said as a defense when people objected. And so, they were married. The older members of the family despised it, the younger thought it was the beginning of a new change, a new era. Ren said (because this section is flipping between Kureno and Ren) that it was only them two (haha grammar): Akira and Ren, they were all who mattered. She was everything to Akira. So when she had Akito, well, that muddled things. Because now there was another person that Akira loved: his own fuckin child. That's right. Ren got jealous of her own child because Akira loved his very own daughter. That's,, that's something. Shortly after that, Ren decided that Akito would be raised as a boy. Or maybe it was while she was still pregnant. At any rate, she said it was because it would be unsuitable for the head of the family to be a woman, but we all know the real reason: it's so that Akira wouldn't be loving another girl, even though that other girl was his daughter. Jfc Ren is a handful. From Kureno's memory, it seems like even as a kid, Shigure recognized that.

Back to Shigure and Ren, Shigure says that he feels sorry for Ren, probably thanks to all that upset she has. She says the same, that the Juunishi have had to deal with the abuse that Akito has dealt to them simply because of that "bond", and that there's no way that anyone could honestly love Akito. Shigure also comments that sometimes he thinks that if Akito had been raised as a woman, she'd look exactly like Ren, which instantly pisses Ren off. She just starts screaming about "Who do you have to thank for Akito being born! I'm the reason that (insert angry comment about how she's the only reason why x happened)". I'm kinda glad she isn't in the series much, this is exhausting. I know she's in the book later, and maybe a bit more in the next few, but jeez. It's a lot.

Anyway, let's end the chapter with Momiji having his curse be broken. The end is near (for the Juunishi, not this post lmao).

The second that the curse breaks, Akito knows it (that's probably the bond. I doubt it's some kinda "we'll be friends forever uwu" kinda thing, it's just kinda an awareness of each other, or maybe just God's awareness of everyone) and races towards Momiji, begging him to not leave. Now that the curse is broken, Momiji is confused as to how those thoughts he had prior for Akito were even there, now that he sees Akito clinging onto him, whimpering and panicked. Momiji waves her away, saying that he'll keep it a secret, and that Akito should go rest, wasn't she feeling sick earlier?

We pan over to the school, where Haru is asking Yuki if he's noticed anything off about Momiji. Haru can't place it, but something seems off, maybe not. Kyo ends up running into Momiji walking down a hallway, and asks him about it (he overheard the others talking about it), and Momiji just out and says it: his curse broke. He said he imagines that Tohru would be happier about it if it were Kyo's curse that broke, and that he (Momiji) lost. (I guess he lost in some unspoken one-sided competition of "getting" Tohru, because y'know she's not her own person who is capable of deciding these things for herself or anything)

Later, Momiji goes back to the main Sohma estate, to apologize to Akito for how he acted yesterday, but also to say that he won't be staying there any longer. Akito takes it like a champ, slapping Momiji across the face and insulting him, saying that he's a traitor, he has nowhere else to go, his family either doesn't remember him or hates him, he'll never be happy! and Momiji's just like, "Yeah lol I already feel lonely", that he can't be with the person he loves, and he no longer has that One Thing that previously connected him to most of the other people he's close with, and that there's no going back. He does say though, that it's not Akito's decision or place to say whether Momiji will ever be happy or not, because he might not be happy now, that does not mean that he won't ever be happy in the future. He then asks Akito how long she will stay at the house, thinking that eventually, everyone will come back to her, that no one will be happy without her. What if it's actually her that is most afraid-- Akito isn't down for an analysis, she just tells Momiji to leave.

Let's now go down memory lane, down a nice and happy time, especially for Akito and Ren: Akira's death and it's after effects. Happy times. (apparently i was wrong, the thing i said was the third chunk that wove in nicely with the second was just the second chunk, i think this is the actual third chunk)

Akito is thinking back (on a rainy morning, extra points for setting the mood) on her relationship with her parents. With Akira, it was nice, he always was kind and caring, telling Akito that she is what everyone has been waiting for, and that she thought she was the one Akira loved the most. With Ren, however, she was always cruel, from the start. She always glared at Akito, she was always mean. Akito hates her. We're brought back to the day Akira died, where Ren bursts into the room, asking why she wasn't notified sooner, why Akira had to die alone. One of the attendants said his condition worsened too quickly to call Ren close by, but also that Akira hadn't died alone; he died with Akito by his side. The attendant said that Akira's will had been passed onto Akito, she was now the head of the family. Ren was angered at that, there's no reason for Akito to still be around now! She only tolerated her child being around because Akira liked her, but now that Akira is gone, there is no one to love or care about Akito. Akito said that wasn't true, that all of the Juunishi will love her, because of their bond. (Which is basically what Akira said. He put most of that stuff into her head, and she doubled down on it whenever Ren said anything against it, which might as well be every single time they were around each other)

Back to the present, Kureno comes in the room to talk about something, but Akito interrupts him, saying that she was happy when Yuki was born, as the Rat. It was mostly just something she used to prove Ren wrong, and she used it as long as she could (much to the deterioration of Yuki's mental health). She thought back, over the years, to all the bad things that had happened, how she tried so hard to keep everyone close, and how all of them had, one by one, come to "betray" (cough cough, try to live their own lives, cough cough) her. After Shigure and Yuki left to their present residence, Ren said that they had given up on Akito. When Akito again mentioned their bond (which, really, now that I think about it, has basically been the singular thing straining to keep everything under control. Akito's sole sense of identity was being God, she's never had anything else.), Ren waved it away, then challenged that if any of the Juunishi can go out into the world, experience it in all it's freaky magical ways, and not be taken in by it, and instead return to Akito, then she will have been proved wrong, Akito's claims this whole time will have been correct. If they failed to, however, Ren said that Akito would have to give up the Sohma name. But Akito believed it, she truly believed she was right, that nothing big enough would come between her and the rest of the Juunishi (Tohru has entered the chat). She had to believe it, she just had to. But now, it's evident, between how Haru reacted upon learning about Izusu, Momiji's demeanor after the curse broke, the general way that the rest of the Juunishi float away from Akito, that it isn't true, and with that, she has nothing to hope for.

Upon this realization, Ren bursts into the room, knee-length hair floating around her, eyes crazed, knife in hand, demanding for Akira. Demanding for that box, and whatever contents were inside. In response, Akito fuggin yeeted it at Ren, she didn't give a shit. It flashed back to right before Akira died, and he soothed Akito by saying that, despite dying, he will always be with her. He wanted for Ren to be happy. He wasn't upset that he was dying so soon, he knew that he was just a man who was going to die, but he was happy that he was able to have a child, and to have had that child with Ren, and since that child was special, it was proof that their relationship was a special one. Back to the present, Ren scrambles to the box, tears it open hungrily to find,,, nothing. The box was empty. It'd always been empty, said to have held Akira's soul, but it was mostly just something to help Akito with Akira's passing. Suddenly, Akito grabbed the knife that fell from Ren's hand, poised to stab Ren but then--

Hiro's curse broke. Ren can thank that bond she always scoffed at for saving her life. But hey, now Hiro can hold his baby sister, which is nice. Yay for family moments.

Boo for Akito, because it's just really grinding in that the curse is quickly falling apart, and there's absolutely nothing that she can do about it. Ren taunts Akito, asking if she was trying to kill her. The attendants blow up, one yelling at Ren for making such a scene, taking a knife with her, and another scolds the first for giving Akito that box in the first place, it's stupid! The first attendant said that Akito knew from the start that it was empty, common sense would say that much! (idk man it could've held one last letter from Akira to Akito, a letter wouldn't affect the weight of the box significantly, it's not common sense)

Akito leaves the room, and Kureno follows. Akito says that it was both common sense but also not, that there wasn't anything in the box. She wanted to believe there was a chance that something was in that box, some kind of invisible energy that would help her. But even after opening it, seeing that it was empty, she still held onto it, knowing there wasn't anything. And that was her common sense, that's what she thought. She'd never been given any other way of thinking, of living, so why and how should anyone expect differently? Kureno says that she can start learning now, that that was what he wanted to talk about earlier, that she can't stay here, she'll never be able to move on, to which Akito cuts him off with "Fuggin now, bitch?? You're saying that now?? That doesn't help me! It would have helped in the beginning! But not fucking now!" (which btw is true. i doubt akito was even allowed to go to a public school, that she was schooled within the estate. i really believe that she's never really been outside of the the properties that the Sohma family owns) Then she stabs Kureno, with that knife she's been holding all this time. She reasons with it saying that Kureno's "halfway kindness" has been killing her this whole time, that it can't be fixed by Kureno saying that maybe Akito should go touch some grass. As Akito is running from the scene (more like haggardly stumbling), she continues thinking that it's Kureno's fault, it's not on her, until she remembers what Yuki was saying at the New Year's gathering about blame. It doesn't really fix anything, it just momentarily makes you think that you're not in the wrong. *record scratch* What if it's Akito's fault, then? All of this? What if it's her fault? What if it's the fault of the person who made everyone change? What if it's Tohru's fault?? (dun dun dunnnn)

Meanwhile, back at the other Sohma house (Shigure's house?) Tohru has some confessing to do. Before that though, Kyo has some confessing to do, though not about the same thing. He tells Tohru that he knew her mom before she died, and that he was the reason she died. He tells her that they met when he was really young, and how they had kinda become friends (in that way that people become friends by talking often, but Kyo never told Kyoko his name, because he had some weird thing about having a name so similar). That all fell apart the day that Tohru went missing. He promised that he would find her and rescue her, but after finding that Yuki had done it (the evidence was The Hat), he lashed out, and never talked to Kyoko again. Years later, when he was at the crosswalk, who was beside him but Kyoko, who he recognized instantly. He wasn't sure what to do, whether to say something to her or hold back. He was totally able to grab her arm, get her out of harm's way, but he didn't, he was too scared. (plus yaknow the whole cat thing) He beats himself up about, still to this day. He does the same with his own mom's death. It was his fault that his mom killed herself, she couldn't stand having such a monster as a child. It was too much for her, and she couldn't take any longer. (It wasn't. I won't say that his mom wasn't put under strain for having Kyo, for knowing that he wasn't human, that he turned into a weird monster if his bracelet was taken off, but from what we've seen of his dad, it was probably at least 85-90% his dad's fault. He was too caught up in the politics of the Sohma family, ashamed of the fact that Kyo was the Cat, the worst out of them, that he couldn't even salvage having one of the good freaks to have as a child of his, and he took it all out on his wife and later his son.)

And the book ends on that cheery note. (Why do I say stuff like that why I am I like this)

hi, it's the milky way again

it's been a while since i've dropped something in your mailbox

i've now finished the school year and the grades and reports are coming in tomorrow or the day after. i'm kinda scared of them because i know they dropped a lot since last year but i'm pretty sure i passed most if not all of my courses so i think it'll be fine.

i started working a summer job a week ago and i'll be working the next week too. it's mostly because i need the money so i can replace my broken phone but also because we had to do some kind of job/workplace experience thing because of our school (that was voluntary though because of covid). the job pays really well so i might also get a new binder with the money since the one i have now is falling apart. on the other hand, working 8 hours a day for five days straight has really taken all of my energy and i can't listen to music while working which makes it a lot harder. the last week i've mostly been coming home in the evening, maybe eating something and going straight to bed.

(also i got my period last thursday and i hate hate hate it so much it makes everything so much worse even without the dysphoria it's just so messy and annoying to deal with)

a week ago i finally jumped over my shadow and talked to my mom but it was a huge disappointment. i'm pretty sure i couldn't get my point across in a way she'd understand and she kinda just admitted not being able to help after saying a bunch of things that really hurt. i removed myself from the situation by "going to bed" aka going to my room, locking my door and crying myself to sleep. i was just really pissed off and talking to her was kinda my last resort for when i realized i couldn't help myself anymore.

anyway, the day after that was monday (when i started working) and me, running on barely any sleep because the night before was a disaster, had to somehow survive work and i'm pretty sure i ignored or snapped at a lot of people that day which i feel kinda bad for.

on wednesday after work i talked to my mom again because i was pissed off and couldn't let it sit. she said the same kind of bs she had used on sunday and we got nowhere, since then i've probably been a lot less friendly to her but i'm just not ready to give up so much energy for her.

her favorite arguments we're things like "but others have it a lot worse" (which is a mindset i've worked on getting away from for quite a while) (also my mom was referring only to my grades with this but little does she know that the only reason why my grades aren't dropping that badly is because no matter how bad i got mentally, i yeeted stuff like self-care before school because school had always been structured and mostly clear while life in general was just. not.)

other arguments she used were "just get off your phone and set a timer for 45 minutes and concentrate on what you wanna get done" and "just pull yourself together, it's not that hard" (those were about me saying that i struggle with starting tasks and getting shit done)

lastly she also said that my expectations are just way too high and that if i didn't expect only the best from myself (this was about grades too) i wouldn't get so disappointed if i didn't get that great grade i was hoping for. and like, she's not wrong but if you've only ever been good at one thing in your entire life and you were really good at it, then you'd just expect nothing but the best from yourself because you know reaching that isn't impossible.

and she ended it with "what do you expect me to do?" and "i can't help you" and i realized later that i just should've said that she should help me get someone that *can* help me, like a therapist or something.

anyway, i'm proud of myself for finding a summer job and finally talking to my mom and not so proud of my grades and the fact that i can't seem to get the point across to my mom

thank you for creating this safe space for people like us, i wish you a happier time than the one i'm having :')

milky way here :|

got the reports and grades and stuff yesterday and i'm just :| about it. like, yea i know i'm still somewhere at the top of the class and that i'm more than one and a half grades better than some others in my class but i'm still upset about my grade in maths for example but my parents laughed/chuckled at me when i was upset and that really hurt

and afterwards my mom said something along the lines of "yes you're allowed to be stressed but because of your good grades you don't have the right to complain about being stressed" which is absolute bs and i still don't understand how having good grades disqualifies one from complaining and i'm sure as hell not gonna ask her

i just wanna scream in her face but i'm pretty sure she'd slap me if i did that

i'm almost done with my summer job and since monday noon i had the chance to work in a different part of the factory which is a lot less uncomfy to be in because it has AC and since it's not in the lab itself, i don't have to wear a hair net, an overall, steel-toed boots and rubber gloves.

today i set myself a few goals for the summer break and for the next school year and i really hope i can get through with those because it'd make future-me extremely happy

have a great great time :D

and PS: since tumblr has been eating a lot of notifs lately i missed a lot of your posts and i tried filtering by the milky way anon tag but only one post showed up. i'm not sure what's up with that tho

Hi again! Don’t worry, I got you. Here’s a link to all the asks you’ve sent up to this point: first, second, third. All of them are tagged, but the tumblr search engine isn’t exactly known for its accuracy. I use the tumblr original post finder site for this stuff, but I just realised by looking for your asks that the site takes capital letters into account, so the ones that were tagged with a capital M in Milky weren’t showing. They all do show now that I changed the M to lowercase. So I’ll have to try to be more consistent with that from now on 😅

On to your asks. First off, congrats on finishing your course! And I really hope you can replace your phone and your binder :D sorry about getting your period, though, that really sucks :(

I think the conversation with your mom that Sunday is the one discussed on the third ask I linked. I'm really sorry the same thing happened on Wednesday. It's not your fault you can't get across to her—she's the one who should be open to helping you and offering possible (actual) solutions to the problems you're bringing up to her, and not you who should spell out every single thing she can do to help you. You're not being unclear to her—she's being obtuse and refusing to listen.

You're not meant to know how to just "pull yourself together", and you're absolutely right that your grades not dropping all the way doesn't mean you're not struggling, and you still deserve help so you don't have to jeopardise your mental health for your grades. And while she's right you don't deserve to be so hard on yourself or to expect perfection from yourself, that's also something that you deserve professional help with. Again, you're not meant to know how to just turn off those emotions and thought processes.

*hugs* sorry your math grade wasn't as high as you'd hoped. It's okay to be upset and disappointed by that, and I'm so sorry they laughed at you. You do have every right to express your emotions, and you're not being unfair to anyone else for being unhappy with your own grades. I often feel the same! I get really good grades (as I think I've already said), and I also often feel disappointed when a grade isn't as high as I'd hoped. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. I'm really glad you know what your mom says is bs, because it really is. It's no wonder you feel like screaming in her face—she sounds incredibly frustrating, exhausting and invalidating to deal with. You deserve so much better than this 😔

I'm so glad you're proud of yourself! I'm really proud of you too for everything you've accomplished despite her being so unhelpful and invalidating, and I really hope you're enjoying the rest of your summer holidays and you can reach your goals! And if the occasion arises and you do end up using the "you can help me find someone who can help me" line, I hope it goes better. But if not, again, please know this is an issue of her refusing to listen, and not of you being unclear about what you need.

Sending a huge virtual hug ❤️

Entry #357 - Him

Wen Junhui's Entry

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"Should we post this?..."

"Jun wanted this posted for his sake, no matter what... It's the least we can do for him,"

"Well, it was scheduled for today, and Jun stated he wanted it to be so... Alright. Have it posted."

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I don't know why I'm writing this... Perhaps for closure on my mind? Most likely. But, perhaps, it's also to record thoughts and feelings that I might forget sometimes, needing a reminder later on. But, today was the day I received a gift. A proper goodbye, and a story that brought me to tears and to dream of things I'm not sure I'll ever get to have with him. But, it's nice to see that it could have been an option one day. To move in together, loving and cherishing each other... But, I guess I can only dream of it now since I'm not sure he'll come back. Or, if any of them will come back.

But, it happened when I was with Minghao and Jeonghan hyung. We were eating and talking together, just like usually. Minghao and I were talking in Chinese, while Jeonghan just smiled, now and then checking his phone to check on the members. Then, Jeonghan hyung looked at me with wide eyes, but then he smiled so bright at me. It astonished Minghao and I, both of us wanting to know what it was. Then he said: "Jun should have the benefit of seeing his gift someone has sent him,"

Of course, I smiled and laughed, wondering who would send me a gift. At first, I thought it was a specific, sweet and kind-hearted empress we had came close with, who checked in us whenever she could. Or maybe it was the kind and gentle koala, Felix, wanting to ensure I was fine. But when Jeonghan hyung handed me his phone and I saw what it was, and especially who it came from, I gave him back the phone, covered my hand over my mouth, then removed it, saying, "Are you playing a prank on me? Tell me right now." And, of course, Jeonghan hyung chuckled and shook his head, confirming that it was real. No hallucinations, none of the boys wouldn't dare to do a thing to me, and that it was from them despite him not reading it. So, I read it. And I read his last message to me.

You wouldn't believe the amount of tears I cried. Even thinking back has me shakily writing and crying. But it doesn't hurt like it used to. Not like when I used to cry every night, wondering what to do, how he was, and questioning countless things that made me so scared to get up. But after receiving it, being able to get his last message to me and receive the closure I desperately needed, I can finally accept it. I can accept that it wasn't me who drove him away, or, whatever bizzare thoughts had been created in this corrupted brain of mine.

However, it makes me reminisce about what we did together and what we had said. I remember, a memory that's becoming slightly foggy, when him and the boys came to assist us when the system had been breached. I remember how he came with everyone to help us, getting us all back together despite the gruesome fight that followed. But I remember how he soothed me, talking softly with him when my episode had occurred. I remember him hugging me, comforting me, and us laughing despite the situation when I had came up with the idea of us being awkwardly weird buddies. And after that, I wondered about him: What was he like? What was his story? His dreams? His likings and dislikes? What did he see in me? . . . What was that tight feeling in my chest whenever I thought about him?

Then, the more we talked, him and I, the tight pressure in my chest grew, but it wasn't unbearable. It wasn't uncomfortable. Almost, pleasant? My heart would race, and my cheeks would hurt because I would smile so much when he was around. But, I slowly tried to withdrawal back when he had grown attraction for someone else. I remember that. I was scared, and I didn't understand why it made me sad when I saw his post. The boys didn't notice me, and I don't blame them because I played it off and wished the best for him. I encouraged him, trying to cheer him up. Even though I didn't understand my own feelings, I knew that was in some sort of pain. But, I hoped, despite that pain, that his feelings would be reciprocated. But, in the end, later, I found out that he no longer had those feelings, and both were just friends.

But after that, I didn't look at him the same way. And, perhaps I never did after the incident at the base. However, I understood that I favored him from the others. Not like a mother who favored one child over the other, but, someone who adored him more, but still cared for the others equally. I recall the time I came into Jeonghan and Joshua hyungs' room, almost having a break down because I didn't understand. But, they comforted me and talked with me for hours until they made it clear: I liked Jeon Wonwoo. But I could never tell him that. Not that I didn't want to, but I wanted to get to know him more than I already did. Then, the rebrand happened. He was still the same person we knew, but, there was more to him now, and I didn't want to make things complicated because he had Hanahaki... A ghastly disease I've heard one too many times.

So, I waited for an opportunity when it was right and he had the time he needed, but, I couldn't. I remember how I'd sit there, staring at nothing as I questioned everything: Would he be okay to love a person who was psychotic, a mafia member whose killed dozens? Would he be frightened by me when my episodes started? What if I hurt him by accident? What if I was too late? He barely comes out, so maybe he doesn't or never will see me the same way as I do. And, most importantly, can I even provide him everything he'll ever need and want? Especially love? Will I be enough for him? I was slowly shattering myself with doubt, even when the others found out and encouraged me, but reminded me of other possibilities. And then I thought maybe I shouldn't try because her find someone better than me. Someone pure and healthy, both physically and mentally, sweet and kind. Someone who could offer more. Someone who wasn't me...

Then the entire thing happened. We talked about my crush situation, and I was running around screaming my head off as the boys came after me. But all I wanted to do was just fall somewhere when running, and just lay there, wondering what in the world I was doing. What was he thinking when he found out?... I remember that look on his face when they exposed me, just stern, looking at me and wanting to know who it was. I wasn't entirely sure why he'd suddenly drop his previous attitude. But, now and even after it, I knew why. But what followed afterward had terrified me. I wasn't told about it until I saw the post, but Wonwoo was having it. Hanahaki. And when I saw that it was black cosmos, I was stunned. I didn't know that much about Hanahaki, so, at first, I nearly started to despise the flowers because it was the very flower blossoming inside him. But I still wished him the best, and then... It happened. He confessed, catching me off guard. I remember bawling, the boys comforting me as I responded and told him I felt the same. And at that moment, I had never been more happier in my life when it was me he liked.

After that, we went on a date that was memorable, and I hope to never forget, not even a single detail of it. We had gone out to eat together, and it was the first time he saw my state. I was twitching, and because I was nervous, it increased it, making it hard for me to even eat and I nearly felt embarrassed, wondering if I was making it uncomfortable for him. Yet, he reassured me and helped me. Not once was he bothered by it. He was okay, and I was glad he was. It made me overjoyed that he was okay with me. From there, it was absolutely amazing for me. We went together, stole a cart and raced off to the playground nearby. And there, that became one of my favorite spots although it makes me anxious whenever I'm near a place that's meant for children, being that I'm not trusted to be around kids. But that day was not only labeled the greatest day of my life, and my first date, but also the day I had my first kiss with someone I loved above all things.

And it was the same day he gave me the moon bracelet, something I haven't taken off for ages since I got it... A beautiful white bracelet with a beautiful white stone, while he was the other, a beautiful dark blue that's nearly black. It's something I've treasured ever since, and something I will never lose despite me being clumsy time from time.

It's things like this that I look back towards, and sometimes, I wonder if I could have done more for him and me. But, I'm happy. I'm happy we at least got these opportunities with each other, and cherished each other for so long and even after he's left with the boys. Even though it hurt so much, so very much when he left without a word, I understood. It had to be done for their sake, especially their Admin, but I wish I could've done more. But, I can finally let it calm the storm inside me. I don't know if there will be a day he may return, but I do hope there is even though he told me not to hope too much. But if he ever does come back, all of them, I will never let go, and I promise that I'll do more, continuing my promise to love and cherish him forever. And even if he doesn't come back, I know he loves me dearly, as much as I love him. And that's enough for me. He's enough for me.

- Wen Junhui

💕// @ghoulxbaekhyun (Seok's love) @seventeen-chatbot Wonwoo (Jun's love)

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🥀// @aikihades @sophie-svt-13 @waitingwhispers60 @yangomangos @m00n-nim96 @moonlit-jaemin @time-for-confession @xash-axx @vampiremomo @mafia-chaeyoung @split-jiu @artsydahyun @princess-yeji @werewolf-sehun @incubuswooyoung @twiceland-saga @amazingspiderhan @mafia-choa @la-soleilmafia-cb @mafia-arin @floristluda @werebaek [DM for +/-]