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biggest-stupidhead · 3 years

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Oh awesome! Since I’m a sucker for flustered Levi I was wondering if I can ask for a story where Levi has a crush on the female!reader and he gives her gifts from time to time! Like a dress and he thought it would look nice on her. And usually he runs away immediately after giving her gifts. You can choose if they confess or not!

I was watching a movie and it made me wonder what If that was Levi?....lmao I couldn’t help it. Thank you~

-☁️

hello cloud anon :) this is very cute, I’m feeling sugar daddy Levi vibes.

Summary: You’re the light of his life, and he doesn’t know how to tell you.

Word Count: 1.1K

Levi had a real problem. He stared down at the sun dress in his hands, it was tiny and baby blue, the front was low cut and the straps where thin. The thought of you in it made his heat squeeze. He didn’t even look at the price tag, marching straight up to the cashier and checking out. Once he was finished he threw the bags into the back of his car, determined to ensure that you got the gift. He had been doing this for some time now, only a few months. Okay maybe a year...maybe a year and a half. He had a problem...and you were the root of it. He was too chicken to tell you how he felt, so he did the next best thing. Showered you with gifts, but he knew that it wasn’t working. He had seen the way that you had looked at Erwin the other day in the break room, the way you had playfully swatted his bicep after he made a shitty joke. But what made him really pissed was the fact that you were wearing the bracelet that he had bought for your birthday a few months back. Hell, you were wearing those prada heels that he’d bought as well. Had you forgotten?

He fisted the bag in his grip as he marched up the steps to your apartment, he’d bagged the dress along with the pair of earrings that went a long with it, it was once again your birthday, this time you were turning 23, he’d bought plane tickets to Greece, hoping he’d have enough balls to ask you to join him. When he walked in he was greeted with the smell of food, all of your friends and associates from the office were present. Even eyebrows, who was sitting way too close to you on the couch as you drank a beer. Levi placed his gift along with the others before grabbing himself a drink and marching over to Hange.

“Ah there you are...was wondering when you’d get here. So what’d you buy for your little sugar baby this year ya perv?” She teased, jabbing him in the ribs with her elbow.

“A dress, pair of earrings and plane tickets to Greece.”

“JESUS-” Levi slammed his hand over her mouth before she attracted too much attention.

“Shut the fuck up or so help me I’ll-”

“Greece?! Damn you’re really down bad Levi.” She giggled hysterically as Levi held her shaking shoulders.

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Levi growled as he watched Hange gather herself once more.

“Means that you realllyyyy wanna fuck her.” Hange explained, averting her gaze to where you sat, sipping your drink.

“I most certainly-”

“Don’t start being a liar now Levi.” Hange chided as Levi’s cheeks flushed crimson.

“Let’s open gifts now!” Connie suggested as they all gathered around you, Levi took the seat to your left, shooting Erwin a challenging glare.

“Save mine for later.” He whispered in your ear, hand on your shoulder. You nodded subtly, knowing that he was at least humble around your guests. As the afternoon wore on, your guests slowly took their leave, until it was just you and Levi. The two of you shuffled wordlessly around your apartment, cleaning up wrapping paper, paper plates, plastic cups.

“I’m curious.” You said, picking up the bag that Levi had brought.

“Then open it already.” Levi grunted as he dumped a handful of trash into the bin. You pulled the tissue paper off of the top and sat down heavily onto the couch, bouncing slightly as you did so. Levi swallowed thickly before padding over to sit next to you.

“Levi...” You said slowly as you pulled the designer dress out of the bag, the earrings and tickets still in the bottom of the bag.

“You know you don’t need to..” He looked away and blushed deeply.

“I know, it’s just...you do so much for me and I feel like...I owe you this.” He settled on, hoping you didn’t think that he was a pervert.

“Levi, just being with you is enough for me.” You said, swiveling to face him fully, hand reaching out and gripping his bicep, the bracelet he had bought for you jingling as you moved.

“Oh Levi-”

You laid the dress down across your lap as you dug into the bottom of the bag and pulled out the last two items.

“You’re too good to me, really you shouldn’t do these things! It makes me feel...spoiled.” You chuckled as you admired the earrings.

“That’s how I want you to feel. I got all this shitty money, and...this is the first time in my life that I’ve had money like this. And...this is how I want to spend it.” He said, cheeks beet red and head hung low.

“Okay well, if that’s what you wish.” You sighed, clenching your fist around his jacket as you leaned in slowly, as if approaching a wild horse. Levi’s heart raced in his chest, this was the moment he’d been waiting for, ever since you came into his life two years ago, all the build up was finally amounting to something. You tilted you head to the side and blinked slowly, breath fanning over his lips as you waited for him to move away. But he remained frozen, body rigid with anticipation, finally you closed the gap and kissed him timidly. He sighed, the feeling of your mouth over his felt better than he could have ever imagined. He angled himself to grab your waist and haul you onto his lap, you grunted as you tried your best to accommodate with the new position. The sound of the bag and gifts falling to the ground was hardly registered by either of you as you straddled his lap, hands cradling his jaw as you deepened the kiss. Levi’s hands rested respectfully on your hips, his thumbs digging into the front of your hip bones.

You pulled back, fingertips slipping into his locks as you looked down on him. He tilted his head back as you pulled lightly on his hair, smirking at how pliable he was underneath your grip.

“Now...about that trip.” You mumbled as you leaned down to nibble at the freshly exposed skin of his throat.

“We leave in two days.” Levi said, hands roaming up and down your back as he enjoyed the affection he was receiving.

“Better go pack then.” You hummed, kissing your way back up to his jaw.

“Might even need to go buy some new clothes....maybe even get a bikini?” Levi swallowed thickly and clenched his fist in the back of your shirt as you hovered over his face once more.

“Anything you want baby.” He managed to breath out as you giggled and leaned down for another kiss.

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donghyuckcuyhgnod · 4 years

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Would u be willing to have a follow up or pt 2 to guilt flavored cupcakes? If not, could i request a jisung angst that ends with fluff? Hehe 💚💚💚

i tried to fit both of your requests into one :) the beginning is realllyyyy angsty, but i promise it gets better! it’s a bit long, i got a little carried away haha,, but i hope you enjoy <3

(part one is located here.)

“this is all your fault!” jisung yelled, slamming the door he had just walked through, his eyes shining with tears and his voice shaky. out of surprise and shock, all twenty-two of his fellow members had their eyes blown wide. “if you assholes just kept your mouths shut, this wouldn’t be happening right now!”

“jisung, what are you talking about?” taeyong gently asked. even the choreographer had stopped in his tracks upon the youngest’s unexpected entrance.

“them!” he pointed to the dreamies, sitting on the floor in front of the mirror. confused, all of the boys rose their eyebrows. “the one thing that makes me happy—the one person that truly makes me happy isn’t mine anymore because of you,” he spit out harshly, pointing to the five boys who he had initially put the blame on. his phone was clutched tightly in his hands, still lit up and on the page of his call log; your name being at the top of the list.

“jisung, what the hell are you talking about?” renjun asked, confusion laced in his voice. it wasn’t long before jisung’s bottom lip began quivering, tears streaming freely down his face as he let out an characteristically loud sob. “y/n broke up with me,” he choked out, shutting his eyes so tight as if he couldn’t bare to say those words. he dropped his phone on the ground, pulling at his hair in distress.

jaemin rolled his eyes, “of course she did. we already warned you, jisung. she was using you for your idol status. think of this as a good thing.” the dreamies shook their heads in agreement.

johnny spoke up, “guys, i don’t think now is a good time-”

“fuck you.”

silence. complete, utter, silence. jaemin—as well as the rest of nct—was speechless. never, in all their years of knowing jisung, had his members heard him cuss in such a bitter, hateful, and sincere way. shocked wasn’t even the word.

“what did you just say to me?” jaemin’s eyes were wide, his jaw open in surprise. did he just say what i think he said?

“you heard me loud and clear, jaemin. fuck you. fuck all five of you. you never gave her a fucking chance! all of you are always so mean to her, and for what? what did she ever do to you? you never even tried to like her. you would push her aside, say mean things straight to her face. you treated her like a goddamned criminal!” his tears were nonstop, cheeks a bright red and eyelids swollen from the constant tears. he sniffled, biting his lip in an attempt to control his sobs.

“what did she say during the call?” doyoung asked cautiously, laying a comforting hand on the boy’s shoulder. jisung sniffled again, gaining enough composure to speak.

“sh-she called because her dress was ruined. the dress for the awards, y’know. i paid for it to be altered to her size, and she came by the dorm yesterday when i wasn’t there to pick it up. and she went to take it out of the bag today, and there was paint all over it! and it was ripped in a bunch of places, and when i asked her how she ruined it, she told me that it wasn’t her. but i know exactly who it was,” jisung deadpanned, his eyes growing dark as he looked at the five guilty boys sitting on the floor. their lack of response made the answer very clear to everyone in the room.

kun sighed in disappointment, “what the hell is wrong with you guys?”

“it was her grandma’s dress.” jisung looked down at his feet, his eyes shining with tears again; and not because of the breakup. but rather, his mind went to the hurt in your voice when crying to him over the phone. “jisung, this dress is the only thing i had left of her. and now it’s completely ruined.”

“what?” chenle said.

“it was her grandma’s dress. the woman who raised her, who died last year. it was her dress and it was the only thing y/n had left of her. and you fucking ruined it, and tore it to shreds! how fucked up are you guys!? she broke up with me because she can’t do it anymore. she can’t handle the way you treat her. she dealt with it for two years now, and this was the final straw. are you fucking happy now?”

the immediate guilt suddenly had everyone’s heart skipping a beat—and not in a good way. a series of flashbacks had appeared in their minds; all of the times when you were at the dorm, making jisung laugh until he couldn’t breathe. the countless times you brought him soup and cuddles when he wasn’t feeling good, or the small pep-talks you would give him before a performance that always seemed to calm him. the way you always cooked and cleaned around the dorm because you knew how hard jisung and his members worked. all the times he had gushed—and gushed some more—about how amazing you were and how much he loved you with the most joyful smile he had ever shown.

“jisung, we-”

“save it.”

shit. we really fucked up.

—

a whole four-and-a-half weeks had passed when jeno called you. you weren’t expecting to see his name pop up on your phone, thus the reason you gasped out loud. you assumed he was calling to tell you how bad of a person you are for breaking up with jisung—so you didn’t answer. it’s not like you wanted to break up with him; the dreamies gave you no other choice. when haechan called not minutes later, however, you started to grow confused. surely they would give up, right? but then renjun called. and then, jaemin. and then, chenle. eventually, your curiosity got the best of you.

“hello?” you answered nervously, trying your absolute best to stabilize your voice. due to all the crying and frustration, however, your voice came out more hoarse and broken than intended. the other line was silent.

“. . . chenle?”

“meet me at the coffee shop next to the dorms in twenty minutes.”

“what? why?” you began, but the line had already gone dead. confused, you dragged yourself out of your bed and made yourself look presentable. well, as presentable as you could, considering the fact that you’d been hibernating in your room out of sadness for the past four weeks.

you arrived to the cafe with a heavy heart. you were sure your heart was going to burst out of your chest at the sight of the five boys who seemingly hated you, sitting around a table with one empty chair. you hesitantly walked in, the bell on the door gaining their attention. you smiled lightly at them out of habit. you sat down in silence, hugging your sweater a little tighter on instinct, feeling small under their gazes. they were surely going to scold you, right? i mean, you did just break their best friend’s heart. but yours was broken, too.

the boys took in your appearance, and with one glance, they knew you were just as heartbroken as jisung. their younger friend had barely spoken since that day; he would perform and practice like always, but the minute the cameras were off, he was cold and distant. he locked himself in his room every night, forcing jaemin to sleep on the couch. he had barely eaten, his energy and passion dropping drastically due to a lack of motivation. even the fans had started suspecting the changes. he wasn’t acting himself.

haechan was the first to break the silence. “we’re sorry, y/n. . .” he spoke quietly, avoiding your eyes in shame and guilt. your eyes widened in surprise, a shocked huh? coming from your mouth. is this a joke? as if renjun read your mind, he answered your question.

“we’re serious. we never gave you a chance. we were so mean to you and we’re sorry for everything. truly sorry,” renjun said, a glint of sincerity in his eyes. the apology, in all honesty, pricked at a certain part of your heart. like a bandaid being ripped from a wound, and all it took was a gentle smile from jaemin before your eyes were watering. “especially about your grandma’s dress,” renjun added on in a guilty mutter, training his eyes downward. you flinched at his words, remembering the mess they made of your precious grandmother’s dress.

you sniffled, your tears flowing freely now as you cleared your throat. “you guys were just worried about jisung, it’s understandable-“ you began, before chenle cut you off.

“why are you so nice to us, y/n? we treated you like shit from day one for absolutely no reason, and you’re still being nice to us and making excuses for our behavior. we know we’re in the wrong, y/n. you don’t need to say anything.”

you gaped at him, before slowly nodding your head as you cried. you were surprised to feel a comforting hand on your shoulder, looking up and seeing a kind-smiled haechan through your tears. “seriously, why? you’re too kind, y/n.” you could only look at him, muttering a small, “because jisung loves you guys so much.”

your own words made you cry harder, lightly laughing at yourself out of nerves. “i’m sorry for crying like this,” you said, swiping at your red and puffy cheeks, trying to keep up with the vigorous tears.

jaemin lightly chuckled, “it’s no big deal. it’s no different than jisung, nowadays.” at this, your heart nearly ripped in half, and you felt a pain in your chest that you could only describe as excruciating. you looked up at him wide-eyed, stuttering over yourself, struggling to find the words.

“he’s a mess, y/n,” jeno spoke truthfully, his own eyes watering a bit at the thought of jisung cooped up in his room, crying himself to sleep every night. “don’t blame it on yourself. it’s not your fault. it’s ours,” he said.

your cries hadn’t stopped, the people around giving you weird looks and questioning eyes. “please talk to him, y/n,” chenle pleaded, eyeing you carefully. you quickly regained your composure, hiccups now replacing your cries. you thought for a moment, “what if he’s too upset with me? what if he wants nothing to do with me anymore?”

“trust us, y/n. he wants everything to do with you. he needs you.”

—

your hand shook as you lifted it up to the doorknob of the familiar practice room. you let out a shaky breath, closing your eyes in an attempt to gain back your composure. jisung and his members were leaving for tour in a few days, and you refused to let him leave without talking to him. you were planning to wait until nighttime, but as you sat in your room with your mind swirling, you couldn’t wait any longer.

you had finally gained the courage to open the door, but before you could, someone else beat you to it. mark looked at you with surprise, an unreadable expression on his face. you quietly greeted him, nervously picking at your nails as you shuffled on your feet.

“y/n? what are you doing here?” he spoke, his eyes softening at the clear distress on your face. you lightly peaked inside the practice room, and mark instantly got the hint. he quickly moved aside to make room for you, an encouraging smile on his face.

the world seemed to stop, then. the moment you walked into the room, jisung had caught your eyes in the mirror. his hair was disheveled, his eyes puffy, red, and tired. the bags under his eyes sadly matched yours, his face looking slimmer than normal and his figure hunched over in a sulk. his skin was red and uneven, a few stress pimples coating his forehead and his chin.

“y/n?” he spoke suddenly, his voice broken, and your eyes instantly teared up at the sound of his voice cracking. nearly everyone was staring at you wide-eyed, and you gulped nervously.

“i know this probably isn’t the best time, but i-i just. . . “ you trailed, losing your voice as you looked at the ground. you looked up again, jisung now facing you with a sad look in his eyes. you sighed, “can we talk?”

—

the door was closed and the boys couldn’t hear anything, but that didn’t stop them from looking through the small glass window. even their choreographer was trying to get a better view, all of them hoping and praying that you were here to get their maknae back. they could only see your face, jisung’s back to the door. you held his hands tightly in yours, your lips moving and tears flying freely down your face.

they couldn’t see jisung, but the way his shoulders shook vigorously was a clear indication that he, too, was sobbing. your regretful words and pleas of i love you more than anything, i’m such an idiot for breaking up with you sent daggers through jisung’s heart. your eyes screamed the words forgive me, please. and how was he to say no to you?

he nodded his head with intent, “i could never be mad at you for this, y/n. i’m such a coward for not sticking up for you-“

“don’t say that, park jisung. you did stick up for me. it’s all in the past now, okay? they. . . they apologized to me. they’re the reason i’m here right now,” you confessed, jisung’s eyes widening at your words.

“none of it matters now, i promise. please, can we forget this ever happened? i can’t be without you, baby,” you cried, the affectionate name sounding so familiar yet so foreign to jisung. it tugged at his heart strings, all strumming for you in every way possible. without hesitation, he nodded his head, a relieved smile taking over his features.

you practically wailed in relief, taking his face in your hands and planting your lips on his in a passionate kiss; all of the emotions that the two of you had felt over the past weeks were being poured out, your pain matching each other’s in the most intimate and vulnerable way possible. the taste of your simultaneous tears didn’t matter in that moment; all that mattered was that you were his again, and he was yours.

“they’re kissing! i repeat, they’re kissing!” taeyong exclaimed, a series of happy and excited shouts filling the room as the members cheered for the both of you. jisung pulled away, only to look back and see a bunch of prying eyes through the window, all smiling and high-fiving each other at the scene before them. and the best part? the dreamies were the happiest of them all. you chuckled at them, causing jisung to look back at you in amazement.

“i love you so much, y/n. please never leave me again,” he whispered, burying his face in your neck and pulling you as close as he possibly could. your arms instinctively wrapped around his neck, closing your eyes in bliss and letting out a sigh of relief. “never again,” you assured both him, and yourself. you basked in his embrace. finally. you were home. he held you as if you were to disappear the second he let go, and in that moment, jisung concluded that losing you was his biggest fear.

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 5 years

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Here are the questions I was most curious about: 5, 10, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 25, 26, 30, 31, 36, 37, 41, 46, & 47. Hope you have fun answering them! :)

oooh these look fUN!

The Basics:

5. How much writing do you get done on an averageday?

lol none!! jk, though this is kind of the answer…? I don’t often write during the week because I spend the majority of my afternoons/nights on schoolwork (the grinddd), so on most nights, it’s about 0-15 words? Though this is very unpredictable, because there are some nights I do have time to write, and I on average write about 200 words during those sessions! I usually don’t break 1k during these writing sessions (unless I’m on vacation and things are really flowing)!

10. Doyou set yourself deadlines?

No actually! I’ve never really been a deadlines person (is this why I get nothing done lol), but with my writing, I don’t (of course writing for school is an exception)!

The Specifics:

13. Describeyour writing process from idea to polished

Ooooh I don’t even think I have a writing process, but if I were to list it:

Get an idea.

I admittedly don’t do this very often (new ideas specifically) because I’ve been writing the same series for five years help

The idea phase might include basic conflict, plot points, etc, though it’s usually vague.

Work out the characters

This is very intuitive for me because I’m a pantser. Usually I can just feel out a narrator/the pov (my process involves a lot of guess work)

Start writing!

Pray this all works out

When the draft is done, edit! A lot! Though I’m admittedly not very good at this lol

Here’s an example of what writing my latest short story (untitled so far) has looked like:

Get an idea

This was a one sentence note I jotted down in my phone: girl moves in with her sister and boyfriend

Work out the characters

I first put a name to the main character because I can’t really work with a character if I don’t know their name/a distinct characteristic, and I was starting from nothing! I also knew she had a sister, an ex girlfriend (intuitively) and her sister’s boyfriend, so I put names to them too.

I then fleshed these characters out. For example:

Linda: MC, quiet, kind of weird, lives with her sister… WHY? because she’s dropped out of college/has gone through a breakup HOW? her sister agrees she can live in her house so long as she helps renovate it, WHAT is this house? Her mother’s property, an old commune her sister is now trying to uphaul etc etc etc

Start writing!

I refer to writing I like in times of feeling stuck/try to identify if there’s a problem a few lines before.

And so on!

14. Howdo you deal with self-doubts?

Oh boy… I usually just like to remind myself that no one is a perfect writer: even the words I looove in my favourite books/from my favourite writers probably didn’t always come easy

15. Howdo you deal with writer’s block?

omg I cry. I’ve cried so many times because of writer’s block lol hahahahaaa. I’ll be honest: I usually don’t feel motivated enough to find solutions to writer’s block, so when I run into a block, I like to give myself the chance to just… take a break? I often find I have writer’s block because I’ve been working all day, and I realllyyyy want to write 500 000 words in the 10 minutes I have to write before I need to hit the hay, which doesn’t create a very good environment to write in? So taking a break is helpful. Writing something else (like a short story, an alternate storyline or even notes for the book) helps too!

16. Howmany drafts do you need until you’re satisfied with a project?

For the majority of my work (fostered), I’ve actually only ever written one draft of every book, but I’d still say I’m satisfied with a lot of the work. I could go back and continuing editing/redrafting, but I love the idea of preserving improvement through every book (especially for that series). For the excerpts I share on here, they don’t really go through many passes of editing? Maybe two passes for line edits! Though I’d say this is case by case, that’s just my experience with fostered! I also edit as I go, so that’s a factor to consider as well.

17. Whatwriting habits or rituals do you have?

GREEN. TEA.

18. Ifyou could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you writeabout?

Oh man… Just going to shout out my literary moms (and moms in general): @sssoto, @shaelinwrites, @sarahkelsiwrites

19. Howdo you keep yourself motivated?

I’m so bad at keeping myself motivated, lols, I give up on myself a lot! I would love to be motivated all the time, but this can become really difficult! I find that consistently working/thinking about/doing anything related to my projects is helpful! Even if I can’t write every day (which I definitely don’t), even just thinking about my characters for a few minutes can help keep up momentum.

20. Howmany WIPs and story ideas do you have?

Not very many! For novels, I only have the FOSTERED series which is (unfortunately loool) ongoing. I have a few short story ideas I’m tinkering with. Though I don’t have many projects! (my brain can only come up with ideas for fostered I-)

The Favourites

21. Whois/are your favourite character(s) to write?

Yessss let me pick between my children!! mwahahaha. In order for fostered’s main squad:

Lonan (ew)

Reeve

Harrison

Darren

Foster

Foster gets no credit he’s truly so interesting I just like horrible people (which I would say this list is in order of too hahahaah). We need justice for Foster this is blasphemy.

As for side characters that are interesting to write with:

Lincoln

Izzy

Emily

Anna

22. Whois/are your favourite pairing(s) to write?

Oh I looove writing about (in order):

Lonan/Harrison

Give. Me. The. Drama. This just in, they’ve been beefing for five books straight, and it’s still not over!

Also my entire sketchbook is just them help

Lonan/Reeve

Always trying to come for each other’s wigs, but if someone dare get in the way of their siblingship, they’ll magically team back up and cut YOU

Reeve/Darren

A new favourite! When you try to be nice to a new person you meet and then she won’t stop trying to marry you

Reeve/Izzy

Reeve and her mother have such an interesting relationship because they are basically the same person. Except neither of them realize this? You wanna drink cheap margaritas and smoke cigarettes in your motel room with your daughter? Sign me uppp

Foster/Harrison

This friendship be stronger than my wig y’all, you want some bromance in your life? Bromance you shall RECIEVE.

Reeve/Emily

The amount of… shit? these girls get into? I love it?? Give me moreee they’re so magically mischievous together

Reeve/Foster

This relationship gets no credit (my fault) but I’m really loving planning the evolution of their relationship especially in the next books, as they’ve gone from lovers to friends to ghost busting partners? We stan? (how did this happen)

25. Favouritepart of writing

In terms of process, I love drafting the most! Picking words is also fun lol

26. Favouritewriting program

Microsoft Word is my bitch.

30. Favouriteidea you haven’t started on yet

Does the intro to book 7 count? We got overdue rent, we got running from your problems and a ghostbusting alliance, who could ask for more? (truly just want to finish book 6 and write this book!)

The Dark

31. Leastfavourite part of writing

I’ll say revisions, not because I don’t like revisions, but because I’m very bad at revising my own work. I can target the problems, but can’t find solutions.

The Fun

36. Lastsentence you wrote

I’ll keep in touch and send his daughters souvenirs—Iheart NY, Lady Liberty printed on t-shirts.

37. Firstsentence or your current WIP

I’m going to share the first sentence of the chapter I’m working on since I’ve shared the first sentence of the book before and I *despise* it:

Whenmy mother was nineteen, she packed up her stuff from small town Minnesota andmoved to New York.

The Rest of It

41. Anyadvice for new/beginning/young writers?

Take it easy! Write what you’re interested in--not what you think you should write, and allow yourself room to make mistakes. There are no failures in writing: you’re always going to learn something, so don’t get caught up in the fear of something not being good (

46. Doyou reread your own stories?

Yes! I find it’s harder to when I’ve sent it to someone (teacher, friends etc etc) and I’m worried it’ll be bad, but I really do enjoy reading my own work. It’s just nice to transport to a different place in my head. Also narrating my work is so entertaining, lol. I read my old books to fall asleep often (I’m currently re-reading book 5 of fostered).

47. Bestway to procrastinate

What’s the best way not to? (My personal fave is re-reading all my old notes instead of writing)

Thank you for the questions! :))

--Rachel

#writing #writerblr #writeblr #amwriting #fostered

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pawsimses · 5 years

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3. What are some of your character’s most significant connections with others?

This took months to answer but I did it >>;For Lin, it’s first his fellow Jedi and friends, but most specifically his adopted family. Syo in particular; his Master (unofficially) has been part of his life since he was small and Lin is very VERY attached to him (albeit not outwardly). He sees Syo as his father figure outside his biological and adoptive ones, possibly more so. Syo is both role model and friend, and Lin will always love him. As such, he was crushed to learn the truth of the First Son, and strove to save Syo instead of ending him like Master Kaeden initially wanted (another can of worms for Lin but that’s unimportant and more a personal headcanon from my trash self lol). Even afterwards, despite being successful, Lin is saddened deeply when he’s still forced to say goodbye to Syo for the last time. It’s both a memorable moment and a learning lesson for him; letting go. Now to be fair, he isn’t Anakin (he’s not deep rooted in fear of loss), but he does struggle with attachments like the average person. But he understood, being raised as a Jedi, the importance of letting go and respected that, should it boil down to it, he’d let Syo die because that’s what Syo would rather have than let the First Son linger. Even so… Lin was still too attached to take that route, passing it off as a “last resort” over and over again because he still clung to the hope that Syo would be saved. But upon the victory and seeing just how exhausted Syo was, Lin realized how hard pressed this reluctance to “do the Jedi thing and not place his personal affairs into his decision making” was. It teaches him that, though he loves deeply, sometimes he HAS to make the right decision and let his loved ones go when its their time. Syo’s wasn’t that case but others will be. All in all, his heart broke when Syo sent him his last letter of gratitude and Lin may or may not have shed tears over the final severe between his and Syo’s bond as Jedi, marking Lin as a freshly minted Jedi Master on his own.… And then he meets Theron. Oh boy. Theron is both his light and foil to his Jedi person. Despite SoR details, Lin and Theron actually meet once before, on Coruscant during a gala (shortly after RotHC) to which the Council and SIS were attending. Theron was brought along by Marcus as a guest for his hard work (and attempt to get him out of his apartment for at least one night). Lin was sent alongside Kiwiiks and the Grandmaster to represent the Jedi at the event. Halfway through the night, Theron wandered off from Marcus to grab food when he bumped into a crowd of Senators and Jedi, Lin among them. He was introduce to Lin as the Barsen’thor and newest appointment Council member, and after a quick handshake, they part. They obviously meet again on the Fleet at the start of SoR, but its that meeting that spurs Theron to look into Lin’s credentials while seeking potential candidates for the Assault on Korriban. The rest is history :PNow Theron and Lin’s relationship is sweet but its not flawless. They both love the hell out of each other and simultaneously drive each other up the damn wall. Theron adores how sweet and kind Lin is, his quirks and bizarre behaviour that surfaces (genetic thing from his witch mother I’m not getting into) from time to time. He also hates how easy Lin gives in to others and lets people walk all over him. Especially his brother, Coxio, though Lin will stand up to him when pushed. Lin tries to please everyone and Theron tries time and time again to tell him WHY he can’t/how it’s not possible. He sees Lin blunder when Lin doesn’t listen to him and it irks him to no end because this is his husband, he should at the very least give some consideration to what Theron is saying. On the opposite end of the scale, Lin adores Theron for who he is, social ungraces and all. However, he gets annoyed by Theron’s “solo mode” attitude when it comes to both work and home life. He understands Theron’s issues with commitment and relationships, but it does bother him when Theron insists time after time that he can “cook dinner by himself” when Lin is trying to subtly imply that he wants to BOND with this activity together, dammit. Then comes work; Lin easily gets pissed by Theron’s insistence to DO THINGS ALONE. Especially missions that require team effort or at the very least LIN’S KNOWLEDGE (looking at you, Nathemia…).Then comes the belief conflictions; Lin, of course, being Jedi still holds to some of their ideals even if he doesn’t consider himself one any longer (he’s broken the Code and frankly has no desire to mend that fracture at this point in his life). “Letting go” is one; he feels that, should someone want it, they should be respected (hypocrite alert; he believes in it unless its on his call… yeah he learned a lesson but its a behaviour he still doesn’t curb or try to curb yet will remark on it like he has the right -_-; ). Problem is, he dubs this to himself more than others (see?). He’d rather give his life for his cause and people than let them go for him (his conscious is a guilty one, a bit selfishly too… realllyyyy regretting Torian rn TTATT). Theron, on the other hand, disagrees; this ties in with Lin trying to please everyone, Theron has issue with him trying to “play the big hero” because he can’t and shouldn’t, he’s worth more than throwing his life away for others just for the sake of sacrifice. (He’s aware too that Lin would rather live than die, a bit cowardice there but eh who isn’t with something in life?). This has spurred bigger arguments than the two would like to admit. Nathemia being a prime example; Theron’s attachment to Lin causing him to run a solo undercover so deep even a sarlacc couldn’t burrow as far irked Lin to no end, because if it would have spared the galaxy his blunders come the months after Umbara then maybe it was meant to be from the Force. Cue big hellish fight that ends with both exhausted. They reconcile and come to an agreement to not go this far again, but its not a good fight. Lin, being the doormat he is, forgives Theron in the end because he does know Theron did it out of love and is truly regretful. This time though the careless behaviour on Lin’s part doesn’t piss off Theron, it pisses off Coxio. Especially considering how Theron takes the answer without question, Coxio feels Shan does not respect his brother nor understand the damage he’s done and takes Lin for granted. (Yeah that… does not go over well the next time Coxio corners Theron in the war room…)Outside that, minor things that bad habits and leaving dishes and datapads lying around (and Lin over spoiling the damn cat) are all that the two bicker about. Oh and Lin not using his damn inhaler (asthma from lung damage via carbonite poisoning) when he’s supposed to, insisting “he’s fine, he doesn’t need it now” and Theron refusing proper med care, “just kolto spray and go, its cool”, which drive LANA nuts. End of the day, they love each other; but as with all marriages, its not always flowers and sunshine. They fight, they argue, they kiss and make up, they’re a couple as any other are. They come home, they spend time together with their cat, its good. Now comes Lana. In some instances, Lana is the wife of both Theron and Lin, others just the exasperated best friend. For Lin, she’s his best friend and protector. Sith or not, she’s one of the few whose stuck by his side regardless of every stupid mistake and decision he’s made, even as she calls him out on it. He trusts her like no other, even with some things he doesn’t tell Theron about. She’s also one of the few to mother hen him unconditionally, especially regarding important factors like “TAKE YOUR KRIFFING INHALER BEFORE I FORCE SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT!” and “I SWEAR TO THE STARS IF YOU KEEP GRAZING FOOD, I WILL STRAP YOU TO THE TABLE, FINISH YOUR DINNER!” (directed at both Theron and Lin equally) and “STOP RUNNING HEADLONG INTO BLASTER FIRE!”. He loves her and its through her that he comes to realize that the Empire are a people too, like the Republic, and becomes more receptive of its members, even if he disagrees with a number of their policies (slavery and discrimination for two…).Now comes family, and for this I will go with Coxio. Like the rest of his family, Lin did not know Coxio until adulthood, when they face off first against Malgus on Ilum together and then SoR before meeting again years later during KOTFE. Hell, he wasn’t even aware that they were brothers despite similarities in appearance (like his dad Arol, Lin’s a little dense…). All in all, his relationship with Coxio is… complicated. Coxio, despite his careless attitude and being a complete shit-disturber, values family over all else and loves his little brother unconditionally. This stems back to early childhood, when Lin was first born and Coxio was introduced to his new brother. In the short time before their family was torn apart, he was protective and loving to the newest family member, promising his father with six-year-old vigor that he’d always look out for Lin. A promise that made its way to adulthood, even if Coxio recognizes that its not as imagined. Lin, on the other hand, doesn’t care much for his brother at all, both from lack of familial relation and disagreement with Coxio’s actions as a person. He gets into more arguments than talks with his brother, which end in frustration on his end because Coxio blows him off and yet still insists on treating him like little kid when Lin is clearly not for that. Coxio knows this; he recognizes that due to fate and circumstances, they may never be close as brother, if brothers at all. As heartbreaking at that is for him, who spent his life quietly loving Lin even when he didn’t know what happened to him, he understands why and despite that factor, still loves Lin unconditionally and would give his life to protect his brother in a hearbeat. Lin… hard to say if he would; he would die for Coxio like he would his fellow Alliance members, but from a Jedi standpoint than family, which is more an insult than a reassurance. Even so, deep down part of Lin does love Coxio. Despite being exasperated most of the time, he does not hate Coxio; Lin wants to love his brother, tries to, but Coxio’s personality clashing with his and his constant harassment of Theron (who Coxio believes isn’t the best choice of lover for his naive little brother) put him at odds. It’s also due in part to Lin not really knowing Coxio at all and Coxio pushing boundaries by treating Lin as if he knows him inside out, which makes Lin uncomfortable since he does this from the get go instead of letting Lin slowly acquaint himself with Coxio. (Granted, after Nathemia, Coxio and Lin’s relationship does improve and Lin accepts Coxio as his brother, even if he drives him nuts. Post Nathemia its put under strain again for a short time, but eventually improves again). There are others, like Acina (whom Lin forms a very close friendship to until Iokath erodes it) but this point is long as it is so I’ll stop here lol

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thefamilydildo · 3 years

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WASSUPPPP

whats up everybody wow can’t even remember the last time I logged in here. It’s been awhile wow.

Last time I logged in here I was still in high school and I’ve since graduated from college last year and wow this place brings back so many memories idk if I even want to change all the cringe stuff on my profile.

Also whattt??? 66 followers? I didn’t even have 30 of you guys in high school wtf lmao where did you all come from. Umm, anyway nobody will read this post I’m just doing this for myself, I need it.

Wow does seeing all these things from 2016 make me so happy. You know what? Even though rn I’m feeling like I haven’t gotten any better and nothing’s changed in my life, I think being reminded of all the things I’ve been given in the last 6 years really is a huge blessing to me.

TW: I do still sh sometimes when I get really bad, something I was never able to grow out of I guess. I only really have 2 friends from high school still and i love them. When you’ve been gone awhile, you start to just realize everything was irrelevant. So many things I thought were so important that I probably don’t even remember now. However, I will admit I was 5u1<id4l for a bit there, which was really troubling since I thought I was done with that kinda thinking. I’m okay, I have help now, but it was scary to start remembering my old habits.

I got out of a nearly 4 year relationship with someone I didn’t realize was controlling and possessive, I just thought they loved me. Too blinded by my love for him, I guess. It’s done now though and it felt like a huge weight came off of me.

I have two friends that I love so much and I just want to spend all my time with them, but I don’t think they feel the same way about me and it makes me feel really sad. Maybe I’m just clingy and needy and should give them space. I feel bad, like I’m annoying them, even though they always tell me they love spending time with me. But I feel like a burden with them, they’re just trying to be nice because they feel bad about her breaking my heart. I was in love with you and you don’t owe me anything, I know, it just hurts so much that I feel like I was willing to leave everything behind if it meant spending my life with you. I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel bad for this, it’s not your fault. How were you supposed to know until it happened, right? I was probably in love with you for longer than I even told you. It’s so long I can’t even remember when I started falling. I think it might be awhile before I can get over you. I need a long time. Honestly, I thought you would’ve been my soulmate, but I’m happy just being platonic soulmates if that’s all you want. I don’t think there’s anyone I’ve met before you that I’ve had such a soft spot for. I can’t get mad at you. I just want to see you happy, even if it breaks my heart that someone else does that for you instead of me. Man, now you got me crying, damn. You just really fucking hurt me and I don’t think I’m ever gonna get over you. Ever.

Damn, sorry for my huge emo rant everybody, I realllyyyy hope nobody read through the whole thing because it’s gonna be mad embarrassing if I see any notes on this LOL. Just needed to vent to someone. I know this isn’t a text to my friends or anything, but I feel like posting on here about this is safer. I don’t have to weigh anybody down with my problems. I will never be able to look my friend in the eye if she sees this shit. So embarrassing. Okay end of rambling this is going on for WAY TOO LONG. PEACE!

#personal vent #i am back bitches idk for how long #my renaissance #yes i am in love with my bff #i feel like shit #emo bitch

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haleths · 3 years

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GET TO KNOW ME

big thank you to @xie-wang for tagging me in this 💕💕 (p.s. the fact that you have a blog for things to show ashlynn made my heart squeeezzzeee)

why did you choose your url? i like haleth.... and it was available?

any side-blogs? name them and why you have them: nope! i’m stressed enough just running this one

how long have you been on tumblr? since 2013. i’ve repressed a bunch of memories from that year so can’t remember exactly when

do you have a queue tag? you know it

why did you start your blog in the first place? @indispensible-pencil what do you have to say for yourself

why did you choose your icon? it’s been basically the same for the last 5 years, with a few touch ups here and there, and i don’t have the heart to change it. also i love frodo

why did you choose your header? bold of you to assume i put that much thought into designing my blog

what’s your post with the most notes? my one steven colbert edit has 22.6k notes (reminder that notes on an edit are not indicative of the talent/effort put into it. this literally took me 20 minutes)

how many followers do you have? 4,134

how many people do you follow? 224

have you ever made a shitpost? only when i forget to log out of tumblr at work and @xie-wang does it for me

how often do you use tumblr each day? yes

did you have a fight/argument with a blog once? nope. have blocked a few anons though

how do you feel about ‘you need to reblog this post’? guilt tripping won’t work on me

do you like tag/ask games? realllyyyy depends on my mood and/or type of questions

which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous? i know a few of them who are up there in like the 50k followers territory and honestly why are you following me

do you have a crush on a mutual? practically all of them, but i can think of at least 5 who i would deliberately seek out if we were ever in the same city

and i tag.... @glorfindels, @indispensible-pencil, @frodo-baggins, @daenerys-targaryen, @heraldofgilgalad, @madeleineengland, and @manwesbreath but no pressure of course 💕💕

#thanks for the tag em!#ask games

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chasingthousands · 4 years

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solus Christus: the power to overcome

Today, I was struggling with sexual temptation and I was talking to a friend about it and I felt like Paul in Romans 7, when he says, “For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” And as I said to my friend, #thestruggleisreal.

But today I also learnt something. Today I learnt that grace IS saying: the struggle is real, but so is Christ in me.

––

On a side note, I love that I have friends I can say these things to. Friends I can openly share my struggles with, friends who journey through life with me. Friends who say “me too” to all these things that I share. 😂😝

I love that we’ve grown and come to a place where we can talk about sex and sexual sin comfortably. The world needs more of this—so a friendly PSA if you’re reading this: don’t be afraid to talk about sex and sexual things! Sometimes in the church world we keep these things so hush-hush and there’s always so much shame involved but realllyyyy “no temptation as overtaken you except what is common to mankind” (1 Corinthians 10:13). Don’t be afraid of speaking up about these things; you’d be surprised to find how many people out there struggle with the same issues too. Let’s create a more open community when talking about sexual issues. Let’s be open, honest, and willing to be vulnerable with each other. Let’s be willing to bring things into the light, cos that’s where healing and restoration will take place.

Cos really, you’re not alone.

––

Recently, I’ve been meditating on the words: ONLY JESUS.

Paul continues Romans 7 by saying, “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

We all know that we are saved by faith. And we talk about how there are multiple aspects of salvation; there’s justification, and then there’s sanctification. And we all know that we are justified by faith, but recently I’ve been thinking about how we’re sanctified by faith too. That from beginning to the end, we are saved by faith (Romans 1:17, GNT).

Sometimes we have this mistaken belief that we enter God’s salvation by faith, but to stay in His goodwill, we need to earn it. We think that the first time we enter the presence of God, it’s by faith—but to stay in the presence of God, we need to earn it. Just look at how many times I’ve felt bad about entering the presence of God because I felt too unworthy—whether it’s because I didn’t do something I was supposed to do or because I did something I wasn’t supposed to.

But I am learning that that’s not true—the righteous live by faith, from beginning to the end. The only way we can please God is by faith.

I shared this in the WHC Daily Devotion last week: Recently, I’ve been fasting. And I’m always so tempted to break my fast ‘cos fasting is hard.

One time, I was fasting and feeling really hungry and close to throwing in the towel, when I read this article:

If, when you get hungry and your stomach growls and your head aches and you say, ‘Man, I'm hungry,’ and your next thought is ‘Oh, that's right, I'm fasting today,' and then your next thought is 'How long until this is over?' you're doing it wrong.

For it to be done right the thought that should follow the hunger pangs and remembrance that one is fasting is, for example, remembering to pray for one's spouse or for someone's conversion.

“Your hunger serves your larger purpose,” Whitney reiterated, “and without that it is just something to be endured and we think that we are impressing God by making ourselves suffer and somehow that earns us points. That's just a works-based, not Gospel-based view of fasting. And that's probably the most common mistake by those who do fast.”

After reading that, my perspective on fasting changed completely. I stopped seeing fasting as an exercise of my willpower, or to see how good my endurance is. My thoughts no longer went, 3 more hours until I break my fast… 2 hours 59 minutes… 2 hours 58 minutes…

That day, I learnt: the purpose of fasting is to teach me to rely on God to be my strength. To know that when I am weak in my body, I am strong in God! I don’t fast out of the strength of my will! It’s not a test of determination, but I fast to let Christ’s strength to flow out of my life.

Solus Christus—in Christ alone. I cannot save myself; only Christ can save me. I cannot do good by my own will; it must be Christ in me who does good.

And I am coming to realize that that is true even for sexual temptation. I don’t resist the power of sin by my own strength or by my willpower; alone, I can do nothing. Alone, I am like Paul: with the desire to do good, but I find that I cannot carry it out.

In the words of Watchman Nee,

You are offered deliverance from sin as no less a gift of God’s grace than was the forgiveness of your sins.

For God’s way of deliverance is altogether different from man’s way. Man’s way is to try to suppress sin by seeking to overcome it; God’s way is to remove the sinner. Many Christians mourn over their weakness, thinking that if only they were stronger all would be well.

But this is altogether a fallacy; it is not Christianity. God’s means of delivering us from sin is not by making us stronger and stronger, but by making us weaker and weaker.

For years, maybe, you have tried fruitlessly to exercise control over yourself, and perhaps this is still your experience; but when once you see the truth you will recognise that you are indeed powerless to do anything, but that in setting you aside altogether God has done it all. Such a discovery brings human striving and self-effort to an end.

The only way I can live a sanctified life is by letting the life of Christ flow through me. The only way I can overcome the power of sin and temptation is by sharing in Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection. I don’t go through life trying to exercise my determination or self-control or willpower; I go through life with Christ in me.

Every time I enter the presence of God, may I enter with praise and thanksgiving––for I do not enter by my own worthiness, but I enter because Christ has paid it all for me. It was Christ who gave me access to the presence of God in the beginning, and it is Christ who gives me access to the presence of God today. My own success, my own achievements, all the good that I do will never be enough… could never serve to justify or sanctify me. It is CHRIST IN ME who does everything I could never do.

Once more, I come under the mighty hand of God. I humble myself, I count my gains as losses, and I say: for me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

Philippians 3:7-10 But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.

#between me and God #emerge121 #no longer I but Christ

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defkdn · 7 years

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Tag Game!

Thank you for tagging me @meteongshower 💖

I would like to tag: @rome-ong (even tho you already got tagged :), @4joshua, @wannablemybaby, @sihyun, @wannx-one (I know you’re busy so pls don’t feel like you have to do this, and this goes for everyone)

THE LAST

Drink: Milk

Phone call: was with my best friend and I was probably ranting to her

Text message: “tell your cousin in Korea to send it to you” lol I was talking to my friend about k-beauty

Song you listened to: Redbone - Childish Gambino

Time you cried: I had a movie night with my friend and we watched Pure Love (the one w Kyungsoo) and cried our eyes out :’)

HAVE YOU EVER

Dated someone twice: No

Kissed someone and regretted it: No

Been cheated on: No

Lost someone special: No

Been depressed: Yes, idk if it’s seasonal depression??? but I have times when it just creeps up when I’m least expecting it and messes me up

Gotten drunk and thrown up: Nope, I don’t drink.

3 FAVORITE COLORS

Black

Baby blue

Gray

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

Made new friends: Yes

Fallen out of love: Nope, haven’t been in love for a while

Laughed until you cried: Yes

Found out someone was talking about you: No

Met someone who changed you: Yes

Found out who your friends are: Yes

Kissed someone on your Facebook list: lol no

GENERAL

How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: I think all of them?

Do you have any pets: No, but I realllyyyy want a dog :(

Do you want to change your name: Nope, I actually really like my name, it’s one of my favorite things about myself.

What did you do for your last birthday: Spent time with my family

What time did you wake up: 10am

What were you doing at midnight last night: Waiting for Wanna One teasers

Name something you can’t wait for: GRADUATE COLLEGE SO I CAN STOP WORRYING ABOUT STUDYING (or hopefully study abroad in Korea sometime soon)

When was the last time you saw your mom: she’s in the kitchen right next to me

What are you listening to right now: X - Code Kunst

Have you ever talked to a person named tom: I used to have a crush on someone named Tom.......

Something that is getting on your nerves: it’s something related to my friends but I’m getting over it so it doesn’t matter

Most visited website: Tumblr or twitter idk?

Hair colour: Black

Long or short hair: Long

Do you have a crush on someone: No and I miss the feeling of having a crush!!!

What do you like about yourself: I’m goal oriented and if I really want something then I can make it happen (unless it’s related to relationships...lol)

Blood type: Idk

Nickname: Don’t have any (sometimes people call me lulu but I don’t really like it)

Relationship status: Sexy, free, and single (lol jk this joke is so old)

Zodiac: Taurus

Pronouns: she/her

Favourite tv show: Gossip Girl, Riverdale, Moomin, Boys Over Flowers (I’ve watched it 5 times), KUWTK, and I’m currently watching While You Were Sleeping so I guess that counts?

Tattoos: None but I have a couple ideas for when I do get one

Right or left handed: Right

Surgery: Nope

Sport: ....I like watching soccer

Vacation: Planning a trip to Florida for winter break but idk if it’ll happen

Pair of shoes: Adidas Stan Smiths!!!!

MORE GENERAL

Eating: I had cereal for breakfast

Drinking: Water

I’m about to: Go to class

Waiting for: Class to start

Want: To be anywhere but on campus

Get married: Eventually...but I definitely won’t be ready anytime soon.

Career: I’m a college student but I have no idea what I want to do in the future and I have a year to figure that out before I graduate lol

WHICH IS BETTER

Hugs or kisses: Hugs

Lips or eyes: Eyes

Shorter or taller: Taller

Older or younger: Older

Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms

Hook up or relationship: Uhhh...relationship? Idk I’m afraid of commitment so we’ll see

Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER

Kissed a stranger: No

Drank hard liquor: Yes, I tried it once a long time ago

Lost glasses/contact lenses: Nope, I don’t use either

Turned someone down: Yeah

Sex on the first date: No

Broken someone’s heart: No?

Had your heart broken: Yes :)))

Been arrested: No

Cried when someone died: No

Fallen for a friend: No

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

Yourself: at 3am yes, but the next day I’m back to doubting myself

Miracles: Yes

Love at first sight: Yes

Santa claus: No (I never did)

Kiss on the first date: Yes

Angels: Yes

OTHER

Eye color: Dark Brown

Favorite movie: Spirited Away

#personal #tag

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exileoblivion · 7 years

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all of them for you too buddy

alrighty, here goes!!1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? I try to make it equal, but I always end up with more milk than cereal

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? For the most part, yes. Unless I’m not feeling well or whatever

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? Whatever’s close at hand that’s flat and small, lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? My coffee has to have a LOT of creamer and/or sugar. My tea depends; for the most part, it HAS to have at least a little bit of sugar, but there’s some that I don’t mind not having sugar in, just depends

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? YES.

6: do you keep plants? No

7: do you name your plants?No

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Either writing or drawing

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? Yup!

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? Mainly my sides, but I’ll lay on my back when I’m sick or hurt

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? …oh god…my one friend and I have one that deals with DMMD, and I am SO not talking about that here pppfffttttttt

12: what’s your favorite planet? I don’t really have one

13: what’s something that made you smile today? I WATCHED THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE, AND IT WAS SO DAMN CUTE ALSDKFJELAKJSDF

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? Dorky AF. Probably a lot of purple/shades of purple for the colors

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! Space smells like burnt meat and metal, or something like that? I remember hearing that a while back

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? Chicken alfredo, or Mushroom Ravioli alskdjfalskjdf

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? I REEEALLLLYYYYYY want to dye the right side of my hair pastel pink

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. that same inside joke about DMMD omfg alskdjf

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? a writing journal? No. I do have a TON of sketchbooks though, which have random doodles in them.

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Blue. BRIGHT blue. I’ve also lately REALLLYYYY been loving shades of brown that almost look red.

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I recently bought a Castiel bag from Hot Topic, and while it’s not old, it has gone on a few adventures through the woods with me, and went with me to my last job quite a lot. I’m going to be using it a TON when I get my fursuit partial in 2018.

22: are you a morning person? Depends on if I get enough sleep, and wake up in a good mood

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? Laying in “bed” curled up in a few blankets with snacks and watch youtube vids

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? In the past, yeah. I haven’t had someone I could trust that much in a looonnnggggg time though

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? Technically it wasn’t breaking in to, but I went to explore my old abandoned house and it was SO cool, omfg.

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? Lately it’s either my red converse or my gray winter boots

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? Man, I haven’t chewed gum in YEARS…I dunno?

28: sunrise or sunset? Sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? i can’t think of an answer to this one

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? OF COURSE

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. I love them in the winter! I love the ones with patterns, or things on them. The plain colored ones are so boring, tbh. I loooveeee the ones that go up to my knees, or the super fuzzy ones. I also super love slippers asldkfj

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. I can’t stop thinking about that damn DMMD joke between my one friend and I alskdjfalkds that happened WELL after 3am when we were both super tired to the point of delirium, and it’s just so funny alskjf

33: what’s your fave pastry? It’s a tie between pie and cinnamon buns/rolls

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? I had this plush cat that my one grandma gave me for christmas like…a year or so before she died? I named her Jellybean, and I took her EVERYWHERE with me. I should still have her…at least I did when we moved here when I was like 15…but I haven’t checked…she could be ruined for all I know ughhhhhhh

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? Yeah! I use stuff like that on rare occasions.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? STARSET!!!!!

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? I don’t have a room, and have way too much stuff in all different areas to keep anything organized. I HATE it :”D

38: tell us about your pet peeves! I CAN NOT FUCKING STAND THE SOUNDS OF PEOPLE EATING. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT IT IS, I CAN ALWAYS HEAR PEOPLE EATING. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I FUCKING HATE IT ALSKDJFALSKDJFLAKSJDFUUGHHHHHHHHHHHH. No, but seriously. I can NOT be around people that are eating. I HAVE to have headphones in. Like, no offense…I have sensitive hearing, and chewing ((honestly, any kind of mouth noise other than talking)) noises make me gag and spiral into a HUGE anxiety attack and it’s so bad alsdkjfalskdjf

39: what color do you wear the most? Black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? Okay, so since I keep mentioning DMMD; I got an Industrial piercing in my left ear just like Noiz. It was the last piercing I got, and my first one from a PROPER piercer. The whole experience was awesome, and I loved it. It was back when our group was still 4 people, and we made a day of it. The piercer was SUPER nice, talked me through everything he was doing, being calm and reassuring, and just super sweet in general? Afterwards, he gave me a box of apple juice to help with my blood sugar, and I loved that idea so much, that to this day after I get tattoos or piercings, I always make sure to have apple juice as a tradition. I got my last piercing because 1.) I thought it looked HELLA cool, 2.) I reallllyyyyyy wanna cosplay Noiz, and 3.) Noiz’s character has a TON of meaning and stuff with me. Up next I’m gonna start stretching my lobes like him. Maybe it’ll be soon!

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? Another Note: The Los Angeles BB Murder cases

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! Sadly, no. If I did, it’d probably be a Starbucks or a Crazy Mocha

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? Like, actually laid out with a blanket and watched them for a long period of time? When I was a little kid with my brothers, watching a meteor shower

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? n-e-v-e-r~

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? sometimes

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of for the life of me, I can’t think of any at the moment alskdjfalskdjfleakjsef

.47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? BLACK LICORICE

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? I think it may have been the dark…? And I mean…I do suffer from sleep paralysis…so…sometimes, kinda…..bllleeecchhhhhh

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? YES! The last two that I bought myself was Gorillaz’s Demon Days and Plastic Beach

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? Do stuffed plushes/animals count…? Cuz…ya boi has a bad addiction with buying stuffed things

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? The only ones that I can think of are all sad/depressing/triggering…

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? What in tarnation dog…I don’t get the whole babadook being a gay icon one, but it is funny af for some reason??? distracted boyfriend….is the “BITCH I WON’T HESITATE’ considered a meme at this point, cuz I LOVE that one even if it isn’t

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I will NEVER watch or listen to that shit, get it out of here. Not yet, but maybe someday. HATE IT. Never seen it.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? IRL…? no clue lmao

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? God…I have no clue….probably like, raise my voice…?

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? …I really need to start paying attention to people more…I can’t think of anything…

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? Unpopular opinion…I hate that song.

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I don’t have enough friends to apply this to anyone oops

59: what’s your favorite myth? I don’t have a favorite myth, but can we talk about conspiracy theories and stuff like that???? cuz, holy hell…my eyes are finally open to them and some of them are GLORIOUS

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? Poetry’s okay, I don’t have any faves

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? Probably like everything I ever give people. I can’t think of any

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? If I have apple juice, I WILL DRINK THAT EVERY MORNING ALSKFJLSKEJF

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? I kinda just leave them be. As long as they don’t get ruined

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? It looks black?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? convention friends. I also used to have a lot of online friends who have all pretty much disappeared that I miss terribly…

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? It’d be made of golden flowers. because reasons.

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? ALIVE alskdfjaslkdfj

68: what’s winter like where you live? It’s all over the freaking place. Sometimes it’s super cold, snowy, windy….other time’s it’s kinda cold, no snow, we’ve had a few where it’s practically spring weather?!???!?!?!

69: what are your favorite board games? I love CAH, and other kinds of adult humored games like those alskdfj

70: have you ever used a ouija board? Not an Ouija board, but I have used a pendulum thingy with a sheet of paper that almost represented an Ouija board

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? I love ALL kinds of tea. I have so many faves, I can’t pick just one alskdjfalskdfj

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? Sorta, yeah

73: what are some of your worst habits? Whew boy, just about everything I do anymore is bad lmao

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. um…they’re…human?

75: tell us about your pets! I don’t have any

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? sleeping lmao

77: pink or yellow lemonade? yellow

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? HATECLUB

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? no one’s done anything cute for me in years thx

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? The area that I sleep in has white walls. It’s the color that was here when we moved in.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. …it just occurred to me…that I have no idea what color eyes my friends have…WELP

82: are/were you good in school? Nope lmao

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? I think the art for Plastic Beach is pretty neat

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? YES!!!! I have my Bill Cipher one all drawn up, just need to get it done. And then, I’m thinking of getting the seal of Metatron from the SH series done on my other rib, and then….I have SOOOOOOoooooOOoOOOoOoO many more ideas for tattoos, it’s ridiculous, lmao.

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I don’t read comics, but I do read manga lol. I LOVE Deadman Wonderland, I just got the complete series of MARS which was the first manga series I ever read through, Alice 19th is SO GOOD, of course my unhealthy love for Killing Stalking, Blood Bank…um…I can’t think of anymore atm

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? I honestly don’t know what that means….? But, it’s possible…?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? Nightmare Before Christmas, Inception, Shutter, the original Halloween movies, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Lost Boys, Queen of the Damned, Ironman 3

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Not really

89: are you close to your parents? nope

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Okay, so…I’ve only ever been to D.C. once so far, but it’s REALLY beautiful alskdfj I can’t wait for next Otakon, and hopefully be able to explore it more. There’s such a surreal charm to it. You can reallllllyyyyy feel the history everywhere you go there. Just. Damn.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? I WANT TO VISIT CENTRALIA SO GOD DAMN BADLY WHILE I’M STILL THE SAME AGE AS JAMES SUNDERLAND, AND I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIMEASLDKJFALSKEJFLAKSJFLKJ

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? no cheese plz

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? messy buns or ponytails

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?…one of my brothers…???

95: what are your plans for this weekend? celebrate Thanksgiving, make a dessert for our dartball tournament…hope to hell I don’t get dragged to it…and hopefully write or play games. Maybe also clean too….

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? I tend to let them go for awhile before updating

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INFP, Aquarius, Slytherin

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? too long!!! and, I think so?

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Hiro no Tsuki/Melfina’s song, Is there Somewhere and Control by Halsey, just about the whole Undertale soundtrack, the sountracks to both Portal 1, and 2, ESPECIALLY Exile Vilify by The National, All of Me by John Legend,JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING BY STARSET, I know there’s a ton….but those are all of the ones I can think of at the moment

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the future. 5 years ago was TERRIBLE, and I never want to relive it again.

#about me #long post #hot-for-justice #ask Oblivion

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beeyondlimits-blog · 5 years

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Hi! I'm back! Guess what?! I graduated with two degree, MA and BSA!!! Plus, I'M CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP. Not just any relationship, this is for keeps. I have no tumble access for almost two years and I realllyyyy can't wait to share to you how I've been. So next week, I'll be leaving for Manila to prepare for the CPALE. Xav up until now still don't want me to go cs he'll miss me a lot 😭 me too. But sacrifice. I have to do it for my family and for me and Xavier's future thus even if it's super hard to be away from my loved ones for six months I have to be strong, emotionally. Buuut I don't wanna talk about the details na cs it makes me sad even just thinking of leaving for half a year. I WANT YOU TO MEET THE BEST BESTFRIEND/BOYFRIEND/HUBBY ONE COULD EVER HAVE!!! MY DADDY BABY LOVE!!! 😍😍😍 We've been together for 8 months already. We me last April. He's a friend of friend. We don't like each other, a romantic kind of like, at first. I find him so young cs he looks like a shs hahaha and he told me I wasn't her type too haha but idk we just clicked and trust me relationships work more if your man love you much more than you love him. I love him so much but he makes me feel that he loves me more than anything and more than I love him 😍 He spoils me with food and more importantly, he spoils me with attention, care and love. Not even a single time that I have to compete for his time cs he freely gives it to me. No matter how busy he gets, he still finds time to let me know what he was doing and ask me how I've been. I couldn't and wouldn't ask for more cs he's more than enough! I love you my love! 😍 But it doesn't mean that I feel nothing for my ex-almost boyfriend anymore. He's my first love, my first kiss, the first man I introduced to my family. He'll always have a place in my heart but it's ends there. He's happy with his girlfriend and I'm genuinely happy for him. As for me, I'm happy with my hubby. Super contented.

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peachcitt · 7 years

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an emotionally charged chap 35!!! @gigiree @luvclick @megatraven

first off, im very sorry about skipping last week i just REALLLYYYY wasn’t feeling writing i don’t even know why and i felt bad about it but here i am now wooooo!! in other news my oc story now has 20 pages and idk how to feel about that. it’s wild.

also i say this chapter is emotionally charged because DANG. i didn’t mean for all the stuff to happen but it did and honestly when do i ever plan for these things to happen. but it gets a little intense. a lot intense. oops. forgive me

Read from the beginning/where it’s originally posted here.

Story description: They say that curiosity killed the cat. But it can do a whole lot more than that.

Chapter description: The lab holds a lot of memories and a lot of secrets. Marinette wants to know it all, but Chat is keeping it all in the bag for now.

Rated: T (because some things may not be suited for some audiences... teensy bit of injury and a whole lot of emotion for this chapter)

There was an awkward silence that stretched between the three of them. Marinette’s eye twitched. Chat’s ring beeped, and he looked down at it idly. Sabrina cleared her throat.

“You have a Miraculous, too, right Marinette?” she asked, and Chat shot her a glare. Marinette didn’t get why he seemed so bothered.

“I do,” she said, pulling out the yo-yo. She could see Sabrina’s eyes track the movement, and for a moment she wondered if she should’ve lied.

“I saw on my feed that yours is a bit primitive.” Marinette raised her eyebrows. Sabrina flinched. “Not that it’s a bad thing of course, but I could install some new features to help you out on the remainder of your journey. Like texting, social media, emergency jetpack, face time, and other stuff like that.”

One of those was not like the others, but Marinette decided not to comment on it. She looked over to Chat, who was staring at Sabrina, suspicion obvious in his every feature. “Would that be okay?” she whispered to him. She liked the idea of having some more back up on the yo-yo, but she wasn’t sure if she trusted the Royal Scientist to do that.

Chat raised his chin, looking down his nose at Sabrina. She shrunk back. He seemed to go through a moment of careful contemplation, and it looked like he figured out what would be best. “Only if I get to help.”

Meaning he’d watch and make sure Sabrina didn’t do anything weird.

Sabrina didn’t seem keen to the idea, but when Marinette nodded in agreement, she sighed. “Of course.” She reached for Marinette’s Miraculous, and Marinette looked over at Chat before setting it in Sabrina’s hands. “It’ll only take a moment. Follow me,” she said, beckoning to Chat.

They disappeared from Marinette’s view, and she heard a lot of loud banging and tinkering and a lot more bickering.

She could hear Chat’s low rumble of a voice, but it was the voice he used when he didn’t want to be heard, and it worked. Marinette couldn’t discern what he was saying. She could hear Sabrina’s voice loud and clear, though.

“What do you mean you haven’t told her?” she heard Sabrina demand. Her eye twitched, and she cursed the shocks that Chloe had administered to her system. “That’s important information, Noir.” There was a pause as Chat muttered his counter argument, punctuated by a rather loud bang. “Of course you don’t have to tell the specifics – you never tell anyone the specifics – but it wouldn’t hurt to talk about it for once!”

“Don’t lecture me like you know things,” Marinette heard Chat say. They were on their way back. “I’ll tell or not tell whatever I want to whomever I please.” He sounded more annoyed than pissed, and Marinette blew out a small sigh of relief.

When the two were once again in front of Marinette again, Sabrina handed the yo-yo to Marinette. It didn’t look different, but when Marinette had it in her hands, it seemed to weigh slightly heavier. Magic, probably.

“I added my phone number in there,” Sabrina said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear, “just in case you need any help with any new functions or anything like that.”

“Gesture’s appreciated,” Chat said, narrowing his eyes at Sabrina. “But I’m right by her side, and I’m just as much of a scientist as you are.” Sabrina rolled her eyes but didn’t bother replying.

“Thank you, Sabrina,” Marinette said, placing the yo-yo back in her pocket. She ignored Chat’s look. “For everything.”

Sabrina blushed deeply, portions of her body turning invisible. She pushed her hair back behind her ear. “I’m- I’m, uh, going to the, um, bathroom.” She hurried away.

“You’re too nice to her,” Chat said immediately after Sabrina was out of sight.

Marinette slapped his arm. “She helped me through Chloe’s game show of death. We’re both alive because of her.”

Chat pouted for a moment, but he seemed to be grateful enough for Sabrina’s help, and he knew better than to argue with Marinette about that kind of stuff.

“So,” Marinette said, wandering over to Sabrina’s cluttered desk and moving a paper idly, “what’s that important information Sabrina thinks you should tell me?” Marinette was not an idiot. Her eye twitched again.

She was still pretending to be innocent, and when she looked over at Chat, he had his face turned up to the ceiling, a deep sigh in the process of going through his lungs. “It’s really nothing you should worry about.”

“I’ll worry about it anyway,” she said with a shrug.

“Really, Marinette,” he said, and she realized he was serious, “it’s better for everyone the less people know about it.”

Taking her hand off the desk, Marinette turned to face him. “Once this all blows over, and we’re all safe, will you tell me?”

He gave her a pained look then, and she realized there had been no question in her statement other than the one intended. There was going to be an afterwards for them, and she believed it. “I don’t know, bug. I don’t know.”

She frowned. “If this is about whether or not we’ll both live through this-”

“That’s not what it’s about,” Chat interrupted. “It’s just…” He trailed off, blowing out a breath and ruffling a hand through his hair. “Can we look around? I want to see the rest of the lab.”

It wasn’t the smoothest segue that Chat had ever come up with, and Marinette got the point. Whatever it was, Chat planned on keeping it under wraps for an indefinable amount of time.

“Yeah,” she said, smiling at him. Her eye twitched, and she ignored it. “Let’s look around.”

---

The bottom floor was relatively bare save for the viewing screen by Sabrina’s desk, the hole that Chloe had made in the wall, and the bathroom that Sabrina had slipped into, but the top floor that they got to via the escalator seemed to be a bit more filled. It had several bookshelves of human history in different languages, and it also had bookshelves filled with fiction and comics. Those bookshelves had no label, and Marinette hoped those also weren’t considered human history.

Chat wandered through the room like a ghost, trailing his fingers over the bookshelves and the walls with a sad look on his face. To Marinette, the expression was bit… nostalgic.

She stood by what looked like Sabrina’s bed, her hand resting on the wall that opened up to the escalator going down. It had notches from a couple feet off the ground to just above Marinette’s height. She traced the notches, looking over to Chat, who was staring at a wall with that same nostalgic look.

“How long did you work here?” she asked, and Chat seemed to notice her presence for the first time since they’d arrived to the top floor.

He saw where she was standing and he drifted over to her, his fingers touching the notches in the walls. “Since I was a kid,” he said, and his fingers traced over some less deep scratches in the wall by a notch. The scratches formed a capital letter ‘A.’

“A kid?” Marinette asked, and her heart pulled at the nod that Chat gave her. He was lost somewhere in his memories, and now Marinette was understanding there were a lot of them here. She looked down at the notches near the floor.

They were height notches. To measure a kid’s growth.

“Chat…” She tried to catch his eye, her fingers brushing over the letter A beside the notch she’d been touching.

He had turned away from her, back to the wall he’d been staring at before. “This whole wall used to be a chalkboard, you know,” he said quietly. “My… my colleagues” – the word seemed to pain him – “used it for extra space, and they gave me extra chalk so that I could keep myself busy. They held a contest each week for best drawing, and I always won.” His bright green eyes seemed wet.

She moved to stand next to him, staring at the wall with him. She tried to imagine a little Chat drawing on the wall, winning drawing contests and making scientists smile. The thought made her lips turn up a little. “You liked it here?” she asked.

“I grew up surrounded by science and progress. By people that cared about the future, and… and cared about me.” He paused. Marinette didn’t trust herself to look over at him. She was afraid of what kind of face he was making. “I more than liked it. I loved it. The years I spent here were the best in my life.”

It took a moment for the words to sink in. Marinette frowned. “You sound like you’d never want to leave. So why did you?” She finally worked up the courage to look at him. His bottom lip was trembling.

Before Marinette could act on her sudden urge to hold him, he took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “A lot of things went wrong. Some experiments failed, and my-my colleagues went rogue. They made a lot of mistakes, and it didn’t feel right for me to come back. It wasn’t safe.”

There was a lot of information that he was holding back; that much was clear. But Marinette got the feeling she shouldn’t press on specifics, no matter how much she wanted to know. “But you didn’t, um, go rogue, right?” The phrase felt strange on her tongue. She wondered what Chat meant by that. “Why was it dangerous to come back?”

Chat reached out, pressing his palm flat on the pale yellow wallpaper, as if by trying hard enough he would still be able to feel the chalkboard underneath. “When everything went to hell, my allies shifted, and so did my way of thinking. This lab worked towards hero work, and I used to believe in that, but it never seemed practical to me afterwards. I couldn’t call attention to myself by being a hero if I didn’t want to be killed. I didn’t go rogue the way my colleagues did, but I did turn my back on Plagg.”

When everything went to hell. Throughout all of Chat’s brief explanation, that was the one phrase that had stuck in Marinette’s head. She wondered if she’d ever know the full details of what had happened.

Closing her eyes, she pressed her hand on the wall beside Chat’s. It was a prayer, and it was a promise.

“I’ll be the hero,” she said, opening her eyes to look at Chat. “I’ll be the hero,” she repeated.

Chat laughed, shaking his head. “You already are.”

He took his hand off the wall.

---

When they reached the bottom floor again, Chat started walking to go forwards, but Marinette turned back the way that they had come in. “Wasn’t there another path?” she asked, tugging on his arm. She really just wanted to go back to the save point that she remembered was there, both to get rid of the twitch she’d had ever since Chloe had electrocuted her and to save.

He frowned. “It should still be blocked off, and I don’t think even I’m charismatic enough to get them to leave.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Marinette said, already pulling him along with her. “And besides, the plan was for me to charm them away. Because we both know I’m better.”

“Can’t argue with that,” Chat said with a shrug.

It was a bad attempt at humor to lighten both of them up, and Marinette knew it. But Chat was obviously troubled by the sight of the lab and the memories it brought back, and Marinette didn’t like seeing that faraway look in his eyes. If he wasn’t going to tell her what was bothering him, she might as well try to make him feel better.

Before they stepped in front of the guards blocking the path, Marinette nudged the toe of her boot to the save point. Her twitch immediately went away and it felt like life had been breathed back into her shocked muscular system.

She hadn’t realized how much the electro-shock had affected her until it wasn’t affecting her anymore. She looked over at Chat, completely frozen next to her, that same troubled look on his face from before.

Pressing the ‘yes’ button, the world came back to life, and Marinette touched Chat’s arm. He looked over at her, raising his eyebrows and erasing that look from his face. “I have some food in the yo-yo if you need it. Since you got shocked.”

“I’m perfectly fine,” Chat said, giving her a toothy grin. It didn’t reach his eyes.

“Don’t lie to me.”

His smile softened into something that wasn’t fake. “I’m being serious,” he said, taking her hand. “I heal fast.”

She gave him a once over, examining for twitches or signs of fatigue. All she got was the tired look in his eyes and the gentle downward slop of his shoulders that she recognized from the times when he was thinking too much. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

She eyed him a little more. Finally, she sighed. “Okay, I believe you.” She believed that he was physically fine, maybe in need of a quick catnap, but not mentally. But he didn’t want to talk about it – she could tell by the way he was avoiding her eyes.

Giving his hand a squeeze – one she hoped helped him know that she was there if he needed her – she stepped in front of the guards. “I’d like to go on this path.”

The two guards, faces covered and very different in terms of height, looked at each other. The taller one looked back at her and straightened. “We’re not supposed to let anyone through. Orders and junk.”

“Alya says there’s a human on the loose,” the smaller one piped in. He made a full-body gesture that seemed to go along with an eye roll that Marinette couldn’t see. “Which is ridiculous. It’s been years since a human’s been down here, and there’s no real way they would be able to survive this long, let alone get inside the Underground.”

Marinette felt a little proud. She looked back to Chat to share a nice look, but he was staring at the guards with his mouth open.

“Max?” he asked, walking up to stand beside Marinette and pointing at the smaller guard, who shifted uncomfortably. “Why are you part of the Royal Guard?”

“None of your business,” the taller guard said, shifting forward as if to shield Max from Chat.

“Didn’t ask you, Kim,” Chat said, barely offering the taller guard a glance. “Why are you a guard?” Chat asked again to Max.

“Because I want to be,” Max said, moving his head as if he was lifting his chin.

“Yeah, that’s a load of sh-”

“Chat,” Marinette interrupted, resting a hand on his arm. He pulled back, but he didn’t seem happy about it. “How about you explain to me what’s happening.” She was getting very tired of never knowing what was going on when Chat got upset.

“This guy,” Chat said, angrily gesturing to Max, “is a scientist.”

Marinette frowned. “But didn’t Sabrina say that she was the only one right now?”

“That’s because she is,” Max said, stabbing his spear into the ground and folding his arms. “I’m not a scientist, Chat.”

“You are! You love science. You told me that you wanted to be the Royal Scientist.”

There was no telling what kind of expression Max had on, but Marinette thought it might’ve been a mix between pity and embarrassment. “That was when we were kids. And besides, a lot has changed. You also said you wanted to be the Royal Scientist, and now here we are.”

Kim, the taller guard, looked down at Max with what seemed to be disbelief. “You wanted to be the Royal Scientist?” They all ignored him.

“You know why I couldn’t go back,” Chat said, shaking his head. “But it’s different for you.”

Max shook his head. “Listen, Chat, I was just as involved with the lab as you were” – Chat was already shaking his head again – “and I also believed in the old policies. I liked what we were doing before… Before we messed up.” A slight waver of confusion appeared in his voice. “I couldn’t do the experiments that King Plagg wanted, so I just left the lab.”

“You could’ve changed things!” Chat said. He was getting more upset. Marinette wondered if she should intervene.

“And what are you doing?” Max demanded, seemingly undeterred by Chat’s anger. “Being a bum in the Royal Guard, lazing around the entire Underground? It’s like you don’t even care that your p-”

“I knew my place,” Chat interrupted, his words a growl that Marinette imagined had scraped his throat coming out. “And you should’ve known yours. You could’ve stopped Plagg. You. Could’ve. Fought. Back.”

At the last word, green light burst from Chat’s body, surrounding him in a sickly green aura dotted with black that radiated a deadly heat. Marinette backed away from him, almost not recognizing him with the rage that had distorted his features.

Both Max and Kim had stumbled backwards, and Kim raised his spear towards Chat. “That’s enough,” Kim said, pointing the spear at Chat’s chest. Chat grabbed the shaft of the spear, but he didn’t do anything to actually start a fight. Where his hand was touching the spear, the metal started to look as if it were rusting and flaking away.

Kim turned his head to Marinette. “I’m sorry, little lady, but you’re going to have to leave.” He really did sound sorry, but when he turned back to Chat, she saw his amicable nature disappear. “And take Chat Noir with you.”

“I will. I’m very sorry,” Marinette said, easing back towards Chat, wary of his green and black aura. Glancing at the slowly decaying spear, she reached out to try and touch him, try and ease him away but the light burned her fingers. She yelped, pulling back.

Her yelp seemed to bring Chat back to himself because he let go of Kim’s spear and looked away from Max, finally looking over at Marinette. His aura disappeared immediately, and he reached towards Marinette.

She pulled away on instinct, her fingertips throbbing and burning. When she saw the intense wounded look of regret pull across his features, she reached forward again, but with her other hand. “Hey, hey,” she said, gently touching his arm, “let’s go, okay?”

“I’m so sorry,” Chat said as they started to walk away, back towards the lab. He sounded like he was about to cry. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Marinette looked down at her injured fingertips. It looked like the top few layers of skin had simply disintegrated, leaving behind a horrible mess of blood and what looked like bone. She shut her eyes tight and clenched her fist, ignoring the pain. “It’s alright. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not,” Chat said as they walked back into the lab, hanging his head. “I… I lost control. And I hurt you.”

The lab was still deserted, and Marinette looked around. There was a package of instant noodles on Sabrina’s desk next to a bunch of others, so Marinette took one and opened it up as quickly and quietly as she could. She broke off a little portion of the uncooked noodles from the square and stuffed it in her mouth, chewing on the dry noodles and watching as a new layer of pink, raw skin grew over the disintegrated bits of her fingertips.

She went back to Chat and hid the package of noodles behind her back, showing her newly healed fingers to Chat. “You did,” she admitted, making him look at her fingers. “But look. It’s not that bad.”

He looked up at her, his expression lost, and Marinette thought of the utter mess her fingers had been only a moment before. “It could’ve been, Marinette. It could’ve been really bad.”

“But it wasn’t,” Marinette said, lying a little bit. The sensation that had overcome her fingertips as soon as she had touched that green dotted black aura was unlike any other she had every felt. She was glad she had pulled away instantly, or else she felt like that disintegration would’ve spread throughout her whole body.

Shaking his head after staring at her for a moment longer, he ruffled a hand through his hair and walked ahead of her to exit the lab. She took that opportunity to stuff the noodles into the storage compartment of her yo-yo.

Jogging a little to catch up, Marinette caught Chat’s hand in hers, wincing a little as her new skin brushed against the leather of his glove. He seemed to almost pull his hand away, but she held firm, walking beside him.

“Can…” Marinette was almost afraid to continue, but she took a deep breath, gathering up her courage. “Can I ask what that aura was?” she asked. Chat’s steps slowed to a stop, bringing her to a stop as well, just outside of the lab.

He lifted their conjoined hands, keeping his eyes on that instead of her face. “Everyone down here holds a certain sort of magic.”

“Right,” Marinette said, nodding her head. “Akumas are basically made of magic.”

A small smile pulled at his lips, and his eyes flicked up to meet her gaze before going back to their hands. “Correct. Obviously I’m no exception. I’ve got some magic in me.”

“And that – that green and black light? That was your magic?”

Chat moved their hands so that he could see the ring on his ring finger. Marinette could feel it pressing into her skin. “It was some of it. A magician always has other tricks up their sleeves, right?”

“Right,” Marinette said. They didn’t start walking again. “Chat?”

“Hm?”

“What is your magic?”

He sighed, and his head dropped even lower than it already was. “It’s called Cataclysm.” There was a pause, and he released a small and bitter laugh. “Ha, get it? Cataclysm?”

Marinette didn’t think it was that funny, and neither did Chat.

“What does it do?”

Chat lifted his free hand, making sure it was away from both of them, and that same green and black aura burst to life around his hand, but it wasn’t like before. It only circled his hand, and he seemed to have total control of it. “This power can destroy anything I touch.” He looked up, finally holding her gaze. “It wasn’t just named for the pun. It can cause cataclysms.”

The aura around his left hand disappeared, and he dropped his arm. Marinette squeezed the hand she had a hold of, and then she brought his hand up to her lips, giving each knuckle on his hand a kiss. He shivered, dropping his head to touch their foreheads together.

“It seems like you can only cause cataclysms if you want to,” she murmured against his hand. “But you don’t want to.”

“Magic is an emotional force,” Chat whispered, and it seemed like that was the only volume of voice he could manage at the moment. “It can be affected by the user’s intense emotions, and it’s easy to lose control. I lost control earlier.”

Marinette gave his hand another kiss. “But you didn’t cause a cataclysm. You still had control, even if you thought you didn’t. You didn’t hurt anybody on purpose, and you didn’t destroy anything.”

That seemed to be exactly what Chat needed to hear. His breathing stuttered, and he brought their hands down. There was nothing between them except for their shared breathing space. Marinette could feel Chat’s breath brushing on her lips. She closed her eyes.

A loud ding sounded from Marinette’s pocket, and it startled the two of them apart.

Pulling out the yo-yo and sliding it open to the phone function, Marinette saw it was only a notification from a social media site that Sabrina had signed her up to. It looked like Sabrina had posted something about forgetting to watch Marinette and Alya’s fight.

Marinette blew out a breath, not sure of what to make of the situation. She combed her fingers through her bangs, trying to push down the blood that had rushed to her cheeks. “Sorry,” she said, not sure if she should apologize, but doing it anyway.

Chat cleared his throat, also running a hand through his hair. His ears twitched. His face looked a bit red. “It’s cool.”

How the hell was she supposed to clear the awkward air that now surrounded them? She was very sure that going back to whatever they had been about to do was out of the question, but she wasn’t sure where else to go.

She decided to go back to what they had been talking about before. “Don’t, uh, don’t akumas’ type of magic have something to do with how they turned? So, like, how-” She stopped, suddenly realizing in horror how intrusive that question was and mentally kicking herself for it.

“It’s a boring story, bug,” Chat said, placing an easy grin on his face and linking their arms. “You’d hate it.”

Marinette didn’t think that, but she was glad he seemed to not be offended by her stupid question. “Oh, really?” she asked, forcing herself to relax and not let her skin buzz where the sleeve of her sweater was making contact with the leather of his suit.

“Yes, really.” He started to walk forward, pulling her along until she matched her pace. “Now I believe we have a mission to complete.”

The thought of continuing to walk in this horrible heat made Marinette want to curl up on the spot. “Can’t we take a break?”

“You had your break. Ate some noodles and everything.” She gaped at him, and his grin softened a little as he winked at her. “And sweetheart, I do think we should save the world sooner rather than later.”

A grin of her own pulled at her lips, and she walked a little closer to him. “Darling, I couldn’t agree more.”

#miraculous tale #miraculous tale fic #EVIL LAUGHTER #yeah i know it's torture but despite the fact that i don't plan for stuff like this i do have a good plan of the general idea #which includes the certain moment that did not happen but could've here #so it's all in good time my friends #actually i think it might be soon #but knowing how long it takes me to do stuff idk #this chapter was all about chat oops #but that's okay i like hinting at all the stuff he had to go through #im actually thinking about making a prequel of sorts to explain what happened (because either way im explaining what happened)#(i just was never sure how)#but we'll see #and get it get it #in the chap description it's that cat out the bag saying stuff #HA im hilarious #im going on vacation tomorrow too and im what the kids calll HYPED #me and my family are going to HARRY MOTHER HECKIN POTTER WORLD #IM SO EXCITED AAAAA WERE GONNA GET OUR WANDS AND DRINK BUTTERBEER AND BE NERDS AND ITLL BE GR E A T #my whole life has been leading up to this moment tbh #if they ever make a percy jackson world you can bet my ass will be there #speaking of pjo #have you guys heard of the pjo muscial???? it apparently is a thing and ive heard clips of some of the songs and IM CRY #ITS SO BEAUTIUFL #like the first song is so. aaaaAAAAAA #I DIDN'T WANNA BE A HALFBLOOD (COOL GUITARS AND STUFF)#they're selling CDs with all the songs and tbh i want one #no. i NEED one #i want to see the musical but im not sure if they're still making rounds or if i missed my chance in which case. bye im dead #maybe i can watch a bootleg but i wanna support the cast and the beautiful people who made it

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angies-team · 7 years

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I was tagged by the awesome @ask-the-deadman.

BOLD THE STATEMENTS THAT ARE TRUE FOR YOU.

APPEARANCE:

I am 5’7’’ or taller : 5′7″ and a bit :)

I wear glasses [[[*they’re only for reading, although i forget to wear them a lot*]]]

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing- ears :)

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair (ishy, sorta not really i guess)

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or had braces

There is something I would change about the way I look (honestly I’m just happy the way I am, I don’t really care that much)

PERSONALITY:

My Hogwarts House is: Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Slytherin

I am an introvert

I like meeting new people

People tell me i’m funny

Helping others with their problems in a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges (sometimes)

I’m playfully rude to people that i’m close to (sometimes?)

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it (whyyyyy)

There is something I would change about my personality (I’m proud of who I am, so not reallyy)

ABILITY:

I can sing well (i mean it’s not SUPER bad, but I’m not Rihanna)

I can play an instrument ( guitar, piano, trombone)

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping

I’m a fast runner (although i quit competitive running after pulling my hamstrings- both more than once)

I can draw well (at least i hope so)

I have a good memory (wtf no what is remembering things)

I’m good at doing math in my head (math? bye.)

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute

I have beaten at least two people in arm wrestling.

I know how to cook three meals from scratch. (Salad, a sandwich, and eggs. Also cake.)

I know how to throw a proper punch (let me just say it just much less when my hockey gloves are on)

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week (once a day)

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months (lol i think most of you know of my running...stories)

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

Fandoms are my number one priority (yeah pretty much, just look at my report card)

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss (WHAT IS LOOOVVEE)

I have had alcohol and many embarrassing incidents involving it (can’t drink, won’t drink)

I have scored the winning goal in a game.

I have watched an entire season of a tv show in one sitting (Race to the edge, star wars rebels, the list goes on)

I have been at an overnight event (hockey tournaments technically count right?)

I have been in a taxi (and forgotten plenty of valuable items in them that I never got back)

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year (got my ankle sliced open by skate)

I have beaten a video game in one day (i’m pretty sure it was like a kindergarten thing and I was bored. Anything actually challenging? nah)

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts (never been to a concert)

RELATIONSHIP:

I’m in a relationship (with tumblr)

I have a celebrity crush (HELLO HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN)

I have a crush on someone I know (I mean...maybe? I’m seriously not sure. LIFE IS CONFUSING)

I have been in at least three relationships (Facebook- broke up, Instagram- broke up FAST, Tumblr- still going strong)

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings for them (never felt like that really for anyone before so...)

I get crushes easily (ummm...see above i guess?)

I have had a crush on someone for over a year (seriously just read above)

I have been in a relationship for over a year (I’m not even going to try anymore)

I have had feelings for a friend (yes. the feeling of friendship)

MY LIFE: Life? what life?

I have at least one person I consider a best friend (I mean, online, sorta.)

I live close to my school (8 min drive with no traffic)

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling (three annoying bros- one older, two younger)

I live in the united states (CANADA FTW)

There is snow right now where i live

I have hung out with a friend from school in the past month (not really, my two best friends have kinda become their own best friends and don’t really talking to me anymore so yayyyyy.)

I have a smartphone. (my baby)

I have at least 15 CDs (I own like one)

I share my room with someone (My invisible friend Bob)

RANDOM SHIT:

I have break danced (a very poor attempt one time or more)

I know a person named Jamie (literally just met someone named Jamie last year wtf)

I have had a teacher with a last name that is hard to pronounce (does it count also if you don’t know half your teachers’ names)

I have dyed my hair

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now (I REALLLYYYY want listen to music but I lost my headphones somewhere in my backpack)

I have punched someone in the past week (there are so many people I wish I punched last week)

I know someone who has gone to jail (My uncle went to jail for 5 years for Drug Trafficking-apparently, I didn’t know this till five minutes ago)

I have broken a bone (not my own, so i’m guessing that doesn’t count)

I have eaten a waffle today(I had pancakes?)

I know what i want to do with my life (life? what life? okay but seriously, ya, I want to go into Animation)

I speak at least 2 languages fluently

I HAVE MADE A FRIEND IN THE PAST YEAR (I wouldn’t give you guys up for anything) :)

Thanks for tagging me!!!!! c:

Now to tag some people...

@tarched @ashleybenlove @leffie-draws-fanart @jeditimelordinthetardis @ja54591 @ahmedtoothless @lotus063 @fankakm @fangirling1998 @nightfury326 @twiggy242 (david you better do this don’t be rude to mom) @wave-artworks-fanarts @dagurdewhite and a bunch of people i’m forgetting to tag that i’ll add on later.

#angie gets tagged #httyd fandom #how to train your dragon #race to the edge #star wars rebels #angies-team

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qohesive-blog · 7 years

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so we’ve got some catching up to do - obligatory college reflection // 170712

Not. Letting. This. One. Slide.

Yes, I am aware that it’s been almost exactly a year since my last post here, and I’ve got no one but myself to blame. It’s not because omg, college kept me so busy (it was), it’s not because I deleted tumblr from my phone (because I can still go on desktop), it’s not because I was so happy and satisfied with my life that I don’t need a creative outlet anymore (couldn’t be further from the truth; if anything, I need to write now more than ever); in fact, I’ve probably lost count of how many times I lied cozy in my bed, no plans on a Friday night, thinking to myself hm it’s literally been 6 months since I’ve written something even though I made a huge deal about writing consistently. oh well, can’t be bothered and then gone to watch yet another episode of Jane the Virgin. Unlike most things in my life, I won’t spend time here trying to overanalyze the specific reasons why it’s so dang hard for me to commit to writing, if there are any subconscious fears or personality traits that drive this. All I can say is that I’m exceedingly thankful for the people who God have gifted with the power of words that inspire one to move, and that I am a lazy ‘lil pooper, and that I will continue to fight the good fight. Moving on, let’s get straight into business:

Obligatory First Year College Reflection

So school officially ended over two months ago, and needless to say, I’ve been given plenty of time to reflect on my first two semesters of college. Gosh, where do I start….

The Good

I’ve had the opportunity to meet a handful of kind, genuine people who made my day brighter whenever I saw them, as well as a handful of hilarious people who make me laugh, understand my humor, make me feel comfortable, and who I just generally “click” with. And it’s been really hard for me to find those sort of people in college.

(Angela, Claire, Tracy: in a place where I felt like I had to constantly put on at least some kind of act, you guys let me feel like myself. Thank you.)

HSM!! Composed primarily out of all the freshman people who met at AAIV. I’m thankful I was able to connect with a good group of Asian Christians who I know can support me and who I can support as well. I love you guys!

The opportunity to get closer to Hannah and Jon! I first met Hannah at winter retreat like 4 years back, but we haven’t really talked until we were paired for STM last summer. Being able to see her every week and grabbing the occasional meal together has honestly been such a blessing this year. She’s a brilliant, hilarious, beautiful sister in Christ and I’m really really thankful she’s here at OSU. For Jon, we got closer senior year of high school, but this year we were able to actually hang out more since he’s more involved in the asian community. He’s probably the guy friend that I have the most fun with just because whenever we’re around each other we both get super goofy and it’s just a nice, refreshing breath of air from all the other stress in my life when I’m able to be around someone who I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. Through both Jon and Hannah, I’ve been able to have some pretty meaningful conversations about faith that made me reflect about my life when I otherwise would have just went with the flow of school and work.

A satisfactory relationship with my roommate. Natalie and I…..we’re not best friends, but we also don’t hate each other’s guts like most roommate horror stories I hear about. Sure, it was awkward at first because we didn’t really talk that much outside of typical pleasantries, but after a while I started to realize that it was simply her personality: Natalie is, like me at the core, introverted, a minimalist but efficient conversationalist, and one who doesn’t usually initiate conversation. And although it’s a bummer that I’m not coming out of my first year of college, locked arm-in-arm with my newfound soulmate and a binding roommate for the next three years, I appreciated the pocket of peace and quiet that Natalie offered me whenever I came back to the room, exhausted from networking events and club meetings and talking to people I didn’t want to talk to, to some much appreciated solace. Nevertheless, throughout our time together I was slowly able to see some of Natalie’s hidden quirks that she conceals underneath a seemingly stoic exterior; she spends her Friday nights baking cookies for us, she refers to herself as a “free bird”, she blasts country music in the shower and sings along with it when she doesn’t know that I came home early.

Expanding my circle of people I usually interact with. All throughout high school, I’ve mainly just kept to my comfortable Asian community. Not that there was ever anything wrong with that, and not that I’ve completely changed from that, but I just wanted to put myself in situations in which I wasn’t used to, just because I think it’s important for me to do so since I literally can’t socialize with non asians lol.

(Jon, Natalie, Alex, Jess, Erin, Truman, Tyeal, Gitu, Emma, Shiyuan, Ros, Joling, Dillon, Johann: you guys really didn’t have to keep talking to me. I know I’m super awkward, weird, and just generally not the typical person you’d hang out with, but you guys tolerated me at the least and made your way into my life at the most. Thank you for talking about your favorite books with me, and letting me show you my favorite youtube videos. Thank you for acting disappointed when I said I was going to go up to my room at because my shift ended an hour ago and I wanna sleep, dangit, and then being genuinely excited to see me reluctantly agree to stay a little longer. Thank you for showing me your collection of sketches when I showed you my own, and then drawing your own sketch of me for me to keep. Thank you for stopping at my room, knocking frantically at my door at 2am to freak out over relationship drama, and even though I may have answered the door all grumpy, mouth set in a scowl because I had an 8am the next morning, secretly I was relieved that I had been able to reach that level of closeness with a new friend.)

Really good grades!!!! Like, realllyyyy good, like I got all A’s!!!!!!! I’m actually pretty excited about this one, since in high school each semester was usually tainted by one bad grade. To be fair, first year business students don’t exactly have the most difficult of schedules, but I’m gonna choose optimism over cynicism this time and take the opportunity to feel proud of myself. I maintained a pretty good work ethic throughout the two semesters, and the best part of it? I think I’m falling in love with learning again. Seriously, I’m excited to learn. High school was different; in high school, I got the A not because I learned the material well, but because all I had in mind were collegescollegescolleges. Now that pressure is off- I’m at a mediocre state school with a lot less competition and a lot less toxicity, and that’s really given me the chance to reexamine my relationship with education and place it under a whole new light. It helps that most of my professors were pretty amazing (Writing for Engineers and Anthropology professors come to mind) and the courses I choose got me absolutely PUMPED to get to class (Chinese Film, Korean). Of course, perhaps I’m speaking too early and I’ll actually find myself hating school once again when I’m drowning under accounting and statistics next year, but I’ll enjoy the feeling while it lasts…..

Tried new things. This year, I joined a J2K group that was doing Seventeen’s Aju nice. The last time I performed dance was in 3rd grade during my fleeting one year relationship with ballet. I’m not a horrible dancer by any means, but I’m also far from the best; in fact, I’d probably place myself slightly below average. Nevertheless, I’m pretty proud that I was able to try out this new experience, and all the hours we put in each week practicing never felt like work; it was always a fun time dancing with the other people on my team and learning how to make our moves look better. Spring semester, I also joined a fraternity. Phi Chi Theta is a professional business fraternity, but it was still something that was way out of my comfort zone. I unfortunately did not realize this fact until a few months after I joined since I jumped into it rather impulsively, but I have too much pride in me to drop it (and I also already paid $150 for two semesters). I don’t want to shy away from this just because I’m not comfortable, though. Most of the people here in PCT are really different than me. They party, drink, make jokes that I’m not used to, and are just a group that I would not have associated with if it not had been for a) a few of my friends in PCT who told me it was a good group b) my pride c) the stinging rejection of not making it past the final round of BUCC interviews (a topic for a later date) d) my pride e) my pride (sensing a pattern here? once again, a topic for a later date). Given the second chance, I honestly would not have chosen to rush PCT again, but….I’m here. And even though most of the people here are intimidating, there’s also a few handful of people that I’m curious to get to know a little better, so for the time being I have to work with what I got.

There’s probably a lot of other good stuff that have happened, but for the sake of cutting this short, I’m gonna move on. Hopefully I can revisit this topic later!

The Bad

Social anxiety. Not actual, diagnosed social anxiety, but…I don’t know. Looking back at it all, I was very, very, very naive when I applied to colleges. I thought just because I enjoyed talking among my little bubble of friends back home meant that I was a social butterfly and thus suited for business. WRONG. I’m not a social butterfly, as I quickly learned within my few first months here. Maybe I’m just really good at hiding it or something because literally the amount of people who have been shocked when I say I’m an introvert….(which is actually extremely disturbing to me lol because I’m like the biggest insecure introvert in the entire world what the heck) I hate talking, people make me nervous, I constantly recite conversations in my head before I say them, I freak out over me messing up on a word which makes me mess up even more, I hate frat parties, I hate it when I have to leave my room, I just hate hate hate hate social interaction I DON’T LIKE IT. It scares me and I can literally feel my skin crawl thinking about how awkward I am. The thing is, none of these fears really came to light until this year; I, at one point, even questioned if I were an extrovert back in high school. You know what, though? It was because home was familiar. Jerome friends were people who I literally spent 4+ years growing up with. Church friends, some twice as long, even longer. I was “social” because I was comfortable, and I also thrived within the subcultures that I was familiar with. But coming here? Everything is different. I’m not in the Dublin bubble anymore, I can’t make the same jokes around my asian friends as I do around other people. This literally broke me lol I had an identity crisis. I stopped speaking up, I feel constantly self conscious about everything, my face turns red when I’m the slightest bit embarrassed (I’ve never had that happen to me before), and I stutter when I talk. But even with these things, I look pretty much normal from an external point of view; I don’t think people think this way about me when they first meet me as much as I do. I feel like these things are so big just because I’m hyperaware of everything but I’m scared that if given enough time, they will become so big that other people start to notice too. I’m actually mildly bitter towards high school and Jerome because I was so sheltered there; people have told me Jerome was weird but this is the first time I’m actually understanding the meaning of that lol. Jerome is weird, we don’t socialize with people the way you typically socialize with people in college, and I really should be more than mildly bitter at both the environment I grew up in and myself for not being more proactive, but at the same time, I’m not sure if I would change it. Weird. Need more time to think about this.

Slightly related, a crippling anxiety that business may not be the right path for me. Yeah, so I hate talking to people and speaking up. Literally the opposite of business. A part of me wonders if me taking AP Chemistry freshman year at Jerome was a contributing factor in me not wanting to pursue science. A big part of me wants to say yes. I wasn’t bad at Chem or Bio, not bad at all, but the pressure of forcing myself to take an AP class as a freshman really ruined learning science for me and left a bad taste in my mouth at the mention of science ever since then. Now, I realize that I really wasn’t horrible at those subjects and am familiar with a more efficient way to learn and I can’t help but feel that my personality is more suited for science, maybe biology or something? I value school and I value education and genuity and kindness and I’ve met some business students who don’t really meet that. Of course, I’m sure there are business majors who are the most amazing people you could meet, but I can firmly, 300% say that I’ve statistically clicked better with non-business majors. Once again, though, I’m too stubborn to drop this, and part of me is hoping that things will get better when my classes get smaller and I get to know Fisher students a little better. Fingers crossed.

I don’t really feel connected to church. I wanted to take both semesters off from 4c and try out some other churches in Columbus for the sake of expanding my comfort circle, and because I really needed a break (once again, a topic for a later time). Well, I didn’t exactly do just that. Whether it’s because I did so out of guilt or out of my own free will, I still went to 4c. Not every week, but enough that I didn’t really fully immerse myself in a different church for the duration of last year. As a result, I was neither fully committed to 4c nor other churches. I’ve given it some thought though, and though I’m a bit disappointing that I didn’t get to spend as much time with the Veritas congregation as I wanted to, I think I should still stick to 4c for now. There’s resignations that I have about 4c, but at the end of the day, it’s my home church, and I feel like I should stay and take time to build its community.

The Things Yet to Come

Of course, it would suck to end on such a depressing note. here’s a few of the things to come in the future, some potentially good, some potentially bad; I hate having my expectations crushed so I like to keep future thoughts mostly ambivalent.

I’m gonna be a membership chair for KSA next year! Equally mixed feeling about this. Considering my earlier rant about ihatetalkingithinki’mawkwardnoonewantstotalktome, and considering family heads are basically the forefront of internal communications with the club, I’m extremely, extremely nervous. Thomas and Lisa know what they’re doing though, and they’ve done a good job so far about getting all of us to help prepare the basic details for next year. I just really, really don’t want to disappoint them and I don’t want the disappoint the rest of the e-board who picked me to be one of the four family heads out of all the rest of everyone to apply. KSA is a really cool organization, and I’d love for me to be able to personally get to know a small portion of its members, and I really, really hope my anxiety doesn’t get in the way. I’ve got a few things prepared to hopefully make the experience memorable for my future family: I got a new camera that I’m planning on vlogging with whenever we go on outings, I ordered a bunch of stationary so I can write cute birthday notes to people, and I wanna make a survey to hand out to everyone at the first meeting to gauge everyone’s expectations and get to know them on a basic level (aka taking a picture of everyone’s faces and memorizing them because I’m horrible with names). I’m praying that I won’t be too awkward to my family next semester

asl;dfjalkj ROOMING WITH HSM GIRLS AHHHHHHHH I’m so excited for this yes yes yes!!! Meeting new people has been quite the experience last year but I’ve been absolutely hyped for the opportunity to finally be able to be on the same floor as the ladies who I feel most comfortable with !!! I’ll be rooming with maddie, Claire with Hannah, and then Jesse with a random roommate and we’ll all be in one square. I myself have spent the past month pinning and buying home decor for me and maddie’s room (at the expense of my poor wallet) and last week I made this really sweet flower pressed picture frame! This is the first time I’ve actually been this involved with home decor lol; my room has always been a hideous amalgram of clippings, notebooks, trinkets, just everything that I’m too afraid to throw away. Planning for next year’s room has really changed me lol. I’m even thinking of going back and reorganizing my shelf (!!!) once I get home to make my room look more ~minimalistic~ lol.

New freshmennnnnnnnn hehehehe I’m actually kind of eager to see the new freshmen that are gonna be on campus next year. Pretty stoked that Hannah and Jenna will still be here; hopefully I’ll use this opportunity to get closer to them! It’ll be nice finally graduating from the #new2osu rank hahahaha.

Classes! This one is also kind of mixed lol. I’m really looking forward to Korean, I’ve been practicing over the summer and kind of miss seeing my classmates every day. Accounting and Stats I’m absolutely terrified for since I’ve never been good with numbers, but after the events of last year I’m filled with a determination I’ve never felt before to tackle tough academics and maybe turn them into my strengths???? For what it’s worth, I bought a bunch of new notebooks from IKEA and new highlighters and that always motivates me to take real good notes.

So there’s probably a million things that I’m missing, but I’ve been sitting here typing for the good majority of 3 hours and my fingers feel kind of funny hahaha. I got the basic stuff for the most part, and it feels really really satisfying to have finally been able to lay something down on this blog after a year hiatus. There’s definitely topics that I still wanna write about, so here’s to the continued battle against inertia and an ever inspired heart!

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eiaaaaa-blog · 7 years

Text

It's Just a Phase.

I won’t be like this forever

Im feeling lost, empty, clueless, confused, depressed, numb, etc.

Why am I like this. Why do I make things worst for myself. Why am I sad. I’m constantly sad and consistently crying everyday. I’m so tired of feeling this way, I’m so tired of feeling worthless, I’m so tired of being stressed and confused. Nobody sees the bruises on my thighs that I’ve created because I know it’ll hurt them more than hurts me. Sometimes I just want to kill myself. “Kill myself”. If you read this, don’t question me or ask me. This extreme thought is the devil of the nightmare. I know I say I want to, but I promise to whoever’s reading this that I never will. I don’t have the right, the power, the strength to do such a thing. Life is such a valuable thing, people take it for granted. Though my life is at it’s low, I know things will get better. I pray, I beg, I need it to get better. I’m toxic to not only myself, but to the people I love. I’m toxic to the only boy that loves me. Sometimes I want to let go so he could move on and not have to worry. These past few months I’ve been trying to pretend to be happy, hide these feelings because I don’t want to spread my pain. But I can’t anymore. I can’t hide or pretend, I can’t do that anymore.

So here’s everything I have to say.

I guess I’ve just felt so distant from everything and everyone. But I guess the first thing I have to accomplish is:

Acceptance.

Mom and Dad, you’ve hurt me so much. Not physically, but verbally. Though you’ve hurt me, I know you only hope it’ll make me stronger, but I can’t deal with those piercing words anymore. You’ll never understand. But I know you’ll always love me, so whenever I think bad about you, I always remember that you love me no matter what. And I think that’s the hardest part. You tell me to say sorry, yet I never get mine back. But regardless of what comes out of you’re mouth, I know you’re intentions are to only make me a better person.

To the person who sur-fries’s me all the time and let’s me vent to her whenever I need to let things out. Thank you for being there for me, foreeal, you’ve lightened up my life and you’ve made me see things in a lighter perspective. Though you’re in college now (which made me back off a little til you get home because of stress and priorities) I’ll always consider you as one of my best friends.

To my Trio, thank you for being the stars of my senior year. Where would I be without you guys. Let’s say you’re part of the ‘group’ that I strive to be happy for. If I can’t be happy for myself, the least I can do is be happy for you guys. Seeing both of you grow throughout the year has really made me realize things. I know I do not open up about certain things, but I don’t want load that onto more people. Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me.

To my friends, thank you. Though not all of you know exactly what’s been going on in my life, thank you for always being there for me and for being the base to my happiness. You don’t know how much you guys make my day better. I’m kinda directing this paragraph to this one boy that’s apart of a group I’m in…his name stars with a letter K, but anyways, to that one boy: thank you for the car rides. You’re dancing, you’re giving, you’re kindness, basically everything you do, just know none of that gets unnoticed. I’m thankful to have you in my life. I just know fun memories are made whenever I’m with you.

To my boyfriend; where do I begin. I cry for you, because of what I’ve become. You constantly say that it’s okay, but I know you’re tired. You’ve dealt with me being like this since the beginning and frankly, I don’t know why you’re still with me. I’m really selfish and stubborn. You’re the person I owe the biggest sorry to. I’m just sorry for everything I’ve done, I feel like I owe you an apology. Sometimes I feel like I’m too much and I just want to back off. I’m just really sorry for everything I’ve put you through. There’s not enough thank you’s I can give/ tell you to redeem myself from what I’ve done. There’s times where I love you more than I love myself, and everything that you do for me does NOT go unnoticed. You’ve been my source to happiness these last few months and I’m not only trying to change for myself but for you. I’m trying so hard. And I promise I will. I don't want to be so reliant on you so if you need space I understand. You've done everything right, and that's all I could ever ask for. You're effort and you're love. Thank you so much. Don’t think you ever have to do more than you’re already doing, because it’s enough.

Saying thank you to the people I love makes me feel better. I know I’m at a rough part of my life and whether I’m lying to myself or not, things will get better. I’ll get into a good school, I’ll make my parents proud, I’ll make my friends proud, I’ll make everyone proud.

There’ll be a day where I’ll forget what the feeling of sadness was. I’ll forget I even went through this phase in life. I’ll forget what having puffy eyes felt like, and how dry my eyes got after an intense session of sobbing. I’ll forget the feeling of being lonely and confused and sad, because one day I’ll be immensely happy with everything. I’ll be happy, and instead of crying out of confusion and sadness, I’ll be crying out of joy.

TO: Anyone that’s reading this.

I say this to assure myself that I understand what this is. What this feeling is.

Sadness is TEMPORARY. Though there are times and there are people that go through this (including me) every single day, just remember things will get better, whether you believe it or not. Sadness is like food. You eat it up, digest it, it might mess up your stomach for a while, but in the end it just dissolves and goes right out your body.

This feeling that others might share with me, please keep encouraging yourself that this is just a phase. Things will get better.

“You have everything at your feet. You have the world in your hands. You’re not poor, you have a roof over your head. We give you money. We let you have a boyfriend. You go out everyday. You don’t have the right to be sad.” -they said.

They said it’s stupid, they said it doesn’t make sense, they said ‘We’ve done everything we can to make you happy’. I understand. I’m trying to. That’s why I don’t tell YOU because I know you’ve tried, now it’s my turn right? To try? To try to be happy?

People will say that. People will never understand. They’ll make you feel worst than you’ve ever felt. But I guess what they’re really trying to say is that you’ll be happy. Or that’s what I hope they’re trying to say.

*Note: when venting to people don’t always expect an answer, they might not have one. But remember, IT’S OKAY. Letting it out to someone, anyone, makes you feel x100 better.

Please note: I know I’m sad, but that doesn’t mean I never experience happiness. I get happy out of nowhere. I still laugh, I still smile, I still do everything I use to. ALL of my best friends make me realllyyyy happy, my boyfriend makes me really really happy, my dogs make me extremely happy, memes make me laugh, but even my parents make me happy. I’m just going through a lot right now, that even after this post, people will never understand.

Force yourself to find your happiness. Note: FIND your happiness, DO NOT FORCE your happiness. You’ll find it one day. I’ll find it one day. Learn how to self love!!! I'm slowly getting there, BUT I do love everyone who's supported me.

I promise I’ll stop taking that time out of my night crying and suffering, hurting myself in redemption to relieving the pain. To anyone out there, don’t hurt yourself. It’s not worth it. It’s never worth it. I chose to do it, and yes it relieves that pain for a quick second, minute, hour, but the next day you’ll look at those marks you left and cry. It won’t accomplish anything. It’ll only remind you what you’ve done and what you’re feeling.

I only strive to make everybody happy. I want everyone to find their happiness, but at the same time I’m so desperate for mine. I don’t know if that means disappearing for a day or so, or to just find myself, but I need to fix myself.

I always say “I’m done.” ; “This is the last time.” To: the people I’ve said that to.

I’m sorry I keep letting you down.

Life will move on. Life will get better.

I don’t know why I’m like this, but everything will be better soon. PLEASE FRIENDS, stick with me. I will get better, I know it! I promise you I will. A bad day DOES NOT equal a bad life.

Keep smilin friends. And remember, it’s just a phase.

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