They/them pronouns when mfckers hit 30

My mom figured out she was ace bc I learned so much about it on tumblr back in the day. I’m just glad she was never actually on tumblr so she’s still cool with it. I figured out I really was bi bc I’m also ace but I didn’t think I could be bc I wasn’t sexually attracted to girls but turns out I just don’t really feel sexual attraction. I literally hate the ace discourse for taking that away from other people who might need it :(

that’s wonderful for your mom! and i also identify as bi ace, which feels like just the right label for me because I have been in long and loving relationships with men and women (and have had crushes :X on nonbinary people). but it took me a long time to accept and understand the “bi” part.

the body types that i find to be appealing are definitely not those shared by the hetero norms of what are considered the typical “sexy” man or woman. so when guys (and other girls!) would point to a thin, busty woman and say she was so sexy, so hot, i wish i looked like that, etc., i never saw the appeal or felt sexual desire toward those women, and in my mind that meant i’m “obviously” not gay. and when it came to guys, as a teen i just thought i wasn’t being superficial because i loved them “for who they were” and not what they looked like.i have always liked bigger (tall, fat, stocky) people and generally more masc/gnc presentation, but the body types I find appealing never fell into the social consensus of “sexy” especially when it comes to women, so I just thought “well, I don’t find ‘sexy’ women sexy, so therefore I am straight”.

I came to realize later that I never actively felt sexual attraction to men, either; it was just compulsory heterosexuality (or “comphet”, as i’ve seen it called). because I had relationships with guys, i always figured i would eventually “have to” have sex with them, since they wanted it, and I wanted to be a loving and caring girlfriend. unfortunately the majority of my sexual activity has been either neutral or incredibly negative, many to a point where i completely dissociate/black out and have zero memory of the event past the first few moments. (according to tumblr, this is “basically straight” behavior. lol.) the pressure to “have to” have sex wasn’t there with women because, as far as i knew, none of them actively pursued sex with me, so I didn’t even consider it a possibility. so even though i had romantic and sexual experiences and relationships with men AND women, i didn’t think about sex with women and i struggled to have sex with men, so i figured I was just broken and needed Mr. Right, the one man with the magical penis that could fuck me straight. 

as I further examine my relationships (with the help of a therapist, now) I have also come to realize that the majority, if not all, of my relationships have been reactive: that is, someone else develops a crush on me, and from there i make a conscious decision over whether or not to pursue those feelings. I guess that’s what dating is for some people, but usually they tend to feel an initial attraction. and because I very rarely, if ever, feel that, it becomes hard for me to separate or understand the difference between romantic and platonic affection or attraction. “Do I want to hug them because they are my friend, or do I feel a romantic attraction and I want to hug them because of it?” people always say “oh, you’ll know,” and to this day i’m still not sure. that’s why i’m thankful to have learned about the aromantic spectrum too. it helps to have this vocabulary and this breadth of experiences to help determine and understand my own.