3 some w isagi and bachira?

maybe include Nagi too if you're comfy (T_T)

luv ur works really I've been stalking ur acc (not in a creepy way) (*_*")

omg nooo it's not creepy at all and THANK YOU LOVE FOR READING my noob-grade, thirsty thoughts on this blog!! let me know how you like this!

warnings: SMUT, mdni, 18+ only, afab!reader, cum play, double penetration, mfm, vaginal s*x, nipple play, kissing, oral (m. and f. recieving), handjobs, and the like. not proofread towards the end.

PASS! ft. Isagi Yoichi and Bachira Meguru

symbiosis(sym.bi.o.sis) (n.) - a mutually beneficial relationship between different people or groups.

You had initially firmly believed that monogamy was the absolute law of the land, and that polyamory was for unconventional freaks. Yeah, you'd have your fair share of hookups, but you'd never consider dating two people at once. With that in mind, you struggled to find a partner who would satisfy two very dominant traits of your personality - being taken care of and to take care of.

Yes, such people exist, and it was a constant fight to keep both sides of you satisfied until you had grown the balls to admit you were wrong about your rigid notions.

You had begun dating your tinder match, Meguru Bachira on a whim. It had started off as a casual fling, a few hookups here and there to keep both of you happy - but you started to grow affectionate towards the chirpy boy who would cling to you and eventually offered him a real date.

You thought it was going great with Meguru. He was a good guy. Friendly, loving, hilarious and above all respectful and considerate. He was the one who observed you were not being yourself to the fullest extent in this relationship and he was the one who proposed that you bring in another chap into the mix.

He told you that one of his closest friends, some guy by the name of Yoichi Isagi was picking up interest in you after having seen you and chatted with you at one of the football association gatherings as Meguru's +1. (Yes, your boyfriends were footballers, it was supremely hot) He confessed to Meguru about his growing infatuation after a chance bar outing and getting drunk. Meguru was initially jealous because he wanted you all to himself but with time, he considered that Isagi would be the perfect guy to bring out your other side, the one you hide with Meguru. With that, the three of you met up and after a lot of fidgeting around and a lot of scrutiny on your end, you decided to become a throuple.

It turned out to be one of the best decisions of your life and you couldn't thank Meguru enough for it. You took control and had your ego tickled when your baby, Meguru was with you and you were able to let go off the steering wheel while Isagi made sure you were pampered to hell. So far, you had kept your sex lives separate. You were riding Meguru on some days and on some days, you were being f*cked into the mattress by Isagi. It was perfect.

*******

"Yoichi" you whispered into Isagi's ear, laying on top of him on the bed as he scrolled through his phone, reading web-manga. You had come over to Isagi's house today as Meguru was grinding at practice the whole day. It had been a few days since you saw Isagi as he was overseas for a work-related business. You had figured since it was his off day, the two of you could maybe catch up a bit and watch a movie. That and you desperately needed his kisses.

He gave the best kisses in the world, he easily trumped Meguru in that department.

"What is it, baby?" he asks softly, removing strands of hair from your forehead so they don't fall into your eyes. He keeps the phone aside and embraces you, rubbing your back.

"I want kisses." you say, pouting. Meguru hasn't actually seen you this way ever and you were always curious as to how he would react if he did.

"Kisses?" Yoichi smirked at you, bringing your face closer to him.

"Here?" he asked, pressing a peck to your forehead as you shook your head.

"Then here?" he pressed another kiss to your cheek.

"Yoichi! You know what I mean!" you whined, squirming in his grip as he laughed.

"Oh, right, right." he said, kissing your nose and scrunching up his face when he sees your expression. "Ah, you are such good entertainment!" he says, finally leaving a kiss on your lips.

"Can't believe Bachira had you to himself for three whole months before I got my hands on you."

You were barely listening to what he was saying though. Today marked the twelfth day since you had subbed. and you were desperate. You grabbed Isagi by the hair and brought him down on your face again.

"Hey, Easy there-" he managed to speak before you were pushing your tongue into his mouth. It's not long before he's groaning into your mouth, the sweat from both of your foreheads making your hair stick to them. You snake your hands up into his t-shirt and feel his taut muscles relaxing and contracting as you continue to smooch him. You feel him bite your upper lip to make you stop for a second.

"Enough with the lips." he commanded, moving his mouth to latch onto your neck and start sucking there as he positions himself under you to squeeze the fat of your waist.

"Ah, I missed this!" you yelp as he hits a delicious spot near the crook of your neck. "Go harder!" you find yourself getting lost in Isagi's moves and his heady scent until a familiar jolly voice cuts through your senses.

"Y/N?" you see Meguru standing by the door of Isagi's bedroom and the both of you look at him skeptically. He seemed a little off - duller, somehow.

"How'd you get in?" Isagi asked. No he wasn't offended or anything that he had just interrupted your hot make out session. Isagi was probably genuinely concerned about house safety.

"You gave me the keys months ago, dumbass." Meguru said, approaching your bed and making your heartbeat spike unknowingly. He had in fact caught you in an embarrassing position even if he had scene every nook and cranny of your body by now. He didn't seem too bothered though, something else was on his mind. And Isagi spoke before you could.

"Something up, bro?"

"Nothing. Midfield play was amazing. Some of the guys on my team messed up some of the goals though. Had to take the brunt of that loss as the captain. I was up against Nagi's team today."

You feel a chill run up your spine when you hear that name. You two had hooked up. But it was only once, probably a year ago now, before Bachira happened and the both of you were drunk out of your minds. Nagi's poor aftercare was enough reason for you to leave first thing in the morning, leaving him butt naked and with a few notes of cash stuck in his buttcrack as thanks for the one orgasm you fingered out of yourself when he came too early and slept off.

"Hey, don't feel too low." Isagi said. "At least, when it comes to Nagi."

"I was one more 'your play is boring' comment away from kicking him in the nuts." Bachira said, rubbing the back of his neck and crouching down beside the bed to twirl a strand of your hair. "How you doing, babe?"

You felt so sorry for him when you saw his puppy like eyes. You knew exactly what he needed, and you knew he wouldn't dare to ask because he assumed this was your quality time with Isagi.

"Megu-chan, do you want to do it?" you offered generously and saw Meguru turn red.

"Wh-Huh-W-Well you're... I thought you were busy with Isagi and so." Meguru stuttered, clearly embarrassed.

"Come up," you said, guiding his head to lay on your chest. You lifted up your shirt to expose your breasts to him and both Bachira and Isagi started at your soft mounds in awe.

"Meguru likes to suck on them when he's down." you explain to Isagi as he looks on curiously. "Go on, Megu." and with your permission, Meguru latches on to one of your breasts and starts suckling like a baby. You let one hand remain on Isagi's neck and caress Meguru's head with the other. "Where were we?" you ask as Isagi hesitantly continues kissing your neck. You now have pleasure ebbing at you from two different spots on your body. Meguru's mouth is relentless as he gropes one of your breasts and sucks the life out of the other one. Isagi on the other hand has a tight grip on your jaw and alternates between your neck and your mouth with his hungry kisses. Soon, your thighs grow weak, and you feel wetness gather in your nether regions. You moan into Isagi's mouth, and he breaks the kiss to look at you and then at Bachira.

"Okay, enough." Isagi says irritably, trying to pry Meguru's lips off your nipples, earning angry whines from the boy. "Pass her to me. It's my turn now." Isagi says, descending onto your chest and flicking at your nipples with his tongue. You watch Bachira stare at the two of you while biting his lip. There seemed to be some uneasiness in his pants. You beckoned him to stand up and drop his pants for you to inspect.

"Looks like you're hard already, Meguru." you smile at his embarassed red face as he hides his boner with his hands. "I-I got carried away."

You start stroking his length gingerly. He has a pretty one, medium sized, curvy, thin - quite soft. Thin green veins running all along it. It's the curve that you love the most though, reaches some wicked places inside you after all. You start pumping his length soon enough as Isagi notes all of this. This special attention you give Bachira always. He used to consider it a given for being the dommest of the three but now he craves for more. He grabs your wrist and slides it onto his hard shaft instead, staring at you intently.

"I said I want to have her now." he commands. "That means no Bachira for a few minutes, understood?"

"Don't steal my girl like you steal my ball on the court, Isagi." Bachira cuts through and gently places his length in your mouth, holding your chin.

You love it. Love it! The two men you crave for the most fighting over who gets you.

"Y/N. If you divert your attention from my c*ck for even a second, you don't get to cum tonight, do you understand?" he asks, placing his own hand on your grip his hard on. You nod at him eagerly, mouth already full of Bachira's c*ck. You take a look at Isagi's. It stands tall and very straight. A bit above average. Two very large blue veins and a smaller tip.

You start taking the two men like a champ. One of them moans and whines while thrusting his body into your mouth while the other sighs and groans, whimpering occasionally as his manhood lies in the mercy of your fist. You are able to maintain this pace well until Bachira grabs your hair and makes you turn towards his c*ck, diverting your attention there.

"My Pass. Now give your all here like a good girl." he says, panting and lazily. Bachira?!! Was this your subby Bachira?

"I will cum on you first." Bachira declares but Isagi won't let him have that.

"Sorry, she's busy." he says, grabbing you altogether and pinning you on the bed, caging you such that he acts like a barrier between you and Bachira. You make doe eyes at Bachira and mouth a 'sorry'.

"I am so ruining you tonight-" Isagi starts but Bachira is already pushing at his chest. "Hey, you thief. Get off, she's mine!"

"She's mine. She had her first squirt with me!" Isagi yells back.

"No. That was with me. What did you do even? Can't compare to my tongue."

"HAH?? Don't make me make you suck my c*ck!" Isagi screamed.

"Like hell! In your dreams!"

You let their drama unfold as you patiently removed the rest of your clothing and waited for them coyly. When they noticed you sat there undressed, both their hands went to their own clothes. Bachira beat Isagi by a second and jumped on you.

"I am doing you first!" he said excitedly. You eye Isagi apprehensively.

"Fine, Meguru get's to pick where he wants to put it in first." you declare, winking at Isagi. That sets him off. He picks you up by your thighs and seats you down on his angry hard on, eliciting a thunderous moan from you.

"You sucker!" Bachira yells out, scrambling like a panther and positioning himself. He enters you in the same hole as Isagi, making your eyes bulge out from pain and pleasure.

"She said she wanted me to pick!"

You let them fight over you yet again as you got drunk in the pleasure of being double penetrated. Bachira from the front and Isagi from the back. Fortunately, they kept thrusting in and out as they bantered, not in sync, always keeping you on the edge of what will come next. You were so overwhelmed, you put your arms around Bachira's shoulder for support and Isagi yanked you by your hair.

"Not him, before me." he whispered darkly into your ear.

"You dumbass, she's hurting!" Bachira scolded Isagi, embracing you and rubbing your back.

"I-I'm-" you lean back and bump into Isagi, pushing your tongue into his mouth as you twisted your neck around. "Do it harder, Yoichi! Only you can."

That was enough motivation for Isagi to pick you off of Bachira's c*ck and go full force into you, making you bounce on his lap as he thrusted upwards, gritting his teeth and hissing. Bachira didn't want to give up in any way possible though, so he swooped down and started his assault on your clit.

The two men worked relentlessly to make a sludge out of your brain and your innards. Your eyes rolled back as you yelped and came violently right into Bachira's open mouth. You couldn't tell if it was his doing or Yoichi's.

Yoichi didn't stop though. He kept up with his pace while Bachira retracted, savoring your juice and licking it off his chin. Isagi positioned himself so that he attacked you sweet spot and you came yet again, this time spraying fluid everywhere. Especially on Bachira's face and chest.

"Yes!" Bachira exclaimed. "Do all that hardwork and I get all of Y/N's output!" he mocked Isagi.

"Well, don't you worry. Y/N gets mine." Isagi smirked, pulling out of you as you plop to the bed and positions his tip at your mouth.

"Drink up." he says, emptying all his cum onto your welcoming tongue.

"Mmmm." you moaned as you took the thick, creamy substance in, swishing it around with your tongue and blowing bubbles in it. As you came down from your orgasm, and sucked on your finger, completely deranged, you saw something unexpected take place.

Bachira, who was a tad bit taller than Isagi pushed him down into the bed.

"And this is for you." he said, pumping his curvy cock next to Isagi's face as Isagi prepared for the impact with a snarl. As Isagi closed his eyes, Bachira dumped all of his seed onto Isagi's face.

You gawked at them in awe, disbelief, amusement, what not.

BACHIRA?

MEGURU BACHIRA? Your sweet, subby, 'I'll eat you out, that's all' boy?

"Come here." he motioned for you to get closer and you scrambled towards him from your place on the bed.

"Put whatever's in your mouth back into his." he demanded, holding your arm. You took one look at Isagi. He seemed to be in a daze, face covered in cum. From the orgasm or from what Bachira did, who knows. Initially, you refused Bachira's demand as you wanted Yoichi's cum to yourself.

"Do it, and I'll give you something better baby." he said, stroking your cheek. So you went for it. Dumping all of Isagi's cum and your saliva right back into his mouth. Return Gift with interest.

You turned to Bachira now.

"Good girl. Now lick my jizz off his face and swallow it right up, honey." he said with his chirpy voice, pointing to Isagi's face.

You were appalled at how you never knew about this side of Bachira. and you were extremely pleasantly surprised.

You proceeded to exactly as he said and licked all of Bachira's cum off of a still dazed Isagi's face. Gulping it down readily.

"That's my girl." Bachira complimented you, while placing a soft kiss on your lips.

"Ahhh! I feel better already!" he stretched out, backing down and laying on the bed, pulling you to lay atop him. The both of you turned an eye to Isagi who was passed out beside you.

"Mate has no stamina I see." Meguru joked and you chuckled.

"Guess he's only good at passing on the field then." you said, playing with Meguru's hair.

"Oh he isn't." Meguru corrected you. "I am."

"If I don't pass, Isagi can't win. If I don't set it up for him, he can't please you. Symbiosis."

"That's why you let me be with him then." you said, gasping. "Meguru, I didn't know you were crafty like that."

"Don't ever forget who's the boss now." he said, giving you his signature playful wink.

Okay so there was a post of yours a couple of days ago about a fic idea on tango having dreams about this sheriff character and they becoming friends right. That post singlehandedly made me write again after two years of nothing. I'm working on revising a 9k words monster now. Should be up for reads sooner than later on my mc side blog bucket-of-amethyst (curse not being able to send asks from that acc :/)

I will say it was loosely inspired by your post tho, some things were changed, both intentionally (most of the info in the tags of that post which relied on knowing the winners of the season) and unintentionally (i genuinely got carried away writing the dream parts i forgot a big thing was them still taking soulbound damage until very very late ough :'| ). It's probably not gonna be close to what u were imagining when sharing that idea, but hopefully still a good read ^^

So yeah! I should thank u very much for the inspo! It was great rediscovering i still can write after such a long time <3

that's so cool!!! i was really hoping someone would write something for that - it doesn't matter how close what you write is to what i was imagining, i meant it at least somewhat more as a prompt than anything else and was really hoping a few people might get inspired!

and the fact that you're writing again after a long time is also really cool. it's a good feeling, right? that happened for me when i started writing mcyt and it was really nice to realize i could still write, and that i could actually finish things, and that people liked it. so i'm really happy for you!!!

i will keep an eye out for what you write i'm sure it'll be great <3

hii! i found your twitter acc when i was searching for sefikura meta/analysis, and i found your tweet! i wanted to ask if you know some blog posts (or any posts) of their relationship analysis, as i am quite new to the whole ffvii series and i am intrigued by their relationship. i wanted to ask through cc but i noticed you dont have curiouscat so i’m asking through tumblr, sorry ;;

I didn’t mean to put all of this under a readmore but tumblr is being an ass so that’s what we’re doing now, I guess...

Hello!! Unfortunately I can’t really come up with anything on the spot, because despite seeing posts like that around before, I’m very unorganized and bad at keeping track of posts... so I decided to write you one on the spot instead, lmao!! I’ve been planning to write a more coherent, longer analysis for a while but still haven’t gotten around to it, but I’ll share some of my condensed thoughts here. The sefikura relationship is what intrigues me most about FFVII after all, and I usually yell quite a lot about them on twitter!

You say you’re new to FFVII, which means that I should definitely give a spoiler warning here. I’m going to address spoilery stuff from the OG, Remake and also some of the compilation material, because it’s hard to talk about their relationship without doing so. (I’ll also assume you’re familiar enough with the world of FFVII to know what I mean when I talk about stuff like SOLDIER, Shinra, Jenova, the Lifestream and such... this would get too long if I explained all of that here, lol)

Okay, so. Cloud and Sephiroth are narrative foils, which means their stories and arcs parallel each other in many ways. The most central themes surrounding them are their loneliness, sadness and how they cope with trauma.

Sephiroth was most likely raised by Hojo in a Shinra lab, and if you know Hojo, you know that there’s no way Sephiroth was treated as anything but an experiment. He never knew his mother, and the only person he had any respect for - Professor Gast - vanished when he was young and this seems to have given him abandonment issues. Cloud, on the other hand, had a mother but not much else. He felt alienated by the other children growing up in Nibelheim and seems to have been generally disliked by the adults as well, due to them blaming him for the time Tifa got hurt. In other words, they were both very lonely as children.

Shinra sent Sephiroth to war when he was very young (people disagree quite a lot on how old Sephiroth actually is but it’s assumed that he was around 12), and as the years went by, Sephiroth became the poster child of SOLDIER. We know that Cloud grew to idolize Sephiroth for how strong and brave the media made him out to be (A.K.A. had a celebrity crush on him), and that was what inspired Cloud to leave town and try to join SOLDIER.

As we see in the prequel game Crisis Core, Sephiroth at this point is well-respected by his peers after his efforts in conquering Wutai. His two only friends are Genesis and Angeal, who are also SOLDIER 1st Class, but they end up leaving SOLDIER, which means Sephiroth gets left behind. Considering that he already had abandonment issues to begin with, being abandoned by his only friends must’ve hit hard. I’d say this sets the foundation for Sephiroth’s downward spiral. However, at this point, I would argue that Sephiroth is still a good person at heart, despite all the trauma he has endured. He persists, refusing to hunt down his deserter friends, and even begins a hesitant friendship with Zack, who was Angeal’s apprentice.

Cloud befriends Zack as well, but doesn’t make it into SOLDIER and instead remains in the ordinary Shinra infantry, which is a crushing loss for him because he can’t achieve his dream. It’s at this point I like to imagine that if Zack had introduced Sephiroth and Cloud to one another, things could’ve gone better. Sephiroth is older than Cloud and outranks him, but with how isolated Sephiroth has been for his entire life I think there’s potential for a meaningful friendship here. They’re both very lonely and neither of them is really a people-person, so I think they’d get along well once Cloud gets over his hero-worship and Sephiroth manages to open up a bit. I would say that sefikura, if Nibelheim didn’t happen, has the potential to be a healthy relationship.

But of course, that’s not how canon goes. The Nibelheim mission happens, Sephiroth finds out that he’s not human and finally snaps after years of mistreatment, burning the town to the ground. Cloud manages to kill Sephiroth, ends up spending several years as an experiment, gets injected with Jenova cells, goes into a coma, wakes up just in time to watch Zack die, and ends up so traumatized that he creates a false identity for himself as a former SOLDIER 1st Class.

We’ve now reached OG FFVII. At this point, Sephiroth, while technically dead and chilling in the Lifestream, uses Jenova as a vessel to move around and takes advantage of Cloud, using him as a puppet for his own gains. He constantly dehumanizes Cloud and generally doesn’t give a damn about him as a person, while Cloud resents Sephiroth but can’t resist his manipulations. In a lot of ways, I think Sephiroth projects his own trauma onto Cloud here, because if Sephiroth had to suffer as Shinra’s puppet for his entire life, then Cloud should suffer as Sephiroth’s puppet as well. As a victim of horrific abuse, Sephiroth has a lot of justified anger, but he takes it out on the wrong person entirely. It’s definitely a very unhealthy situation.

But of course, unlike Sephiroth, Cloud doesn’t let his trauma define him. He reaches his breaking point and falls apart completely, but he gets back up, because unlike Sephiroth, he has a support system of friends who stand by his side and work together with him to defeat Sephiroth at the end of the game. For most of his life, Cloud has been chasing Sephiroth. This is where he finally catches up and surpasses him.

And here, the tables turn. Cloud kills Sephiroth but that’s never stopped Sephiroth before. This is where Sephiroth first develops his Cloud-obsession. He fixates on Cloud so hard that his hatred keeps him from completely fading away into the Lifestream. Cloud is literally his lifeline. (Isn’t it romantic? lol) He returns in the sequel movie Advent Children, where he fights Cloud one-on-one and basically just taunts him for 10 minutes before Cloud kills him again.  It’s implied that Sephiroth can keep coming back as long as Cloud exists as well.

Canon beyond this has, for a long time, been unknown territory. There’s a sequel game called Dirge of Cerberus that the fandom at large pretends doesn’t exist because it’s... kinda weird to say the least, lol. And it doesn’t really have anything to do with sefikura anyway. People have written post-canon sefikura as something that continues to be toxic, but there’s also fic that offers redemption and forgiveness for Sephiroth, acknowledging that he was a victim too. It’s left very open-ended.

All of this basically explains how I see sefikura. They’re two people who were alike in many ways, who could have been friends before everything fell apart around them, if things had been different. But they never did meet, before it was too late. Instead, they keep chasing each other, full of hate even though they’re probably the only people in the world who could truly understand each other’s trauma. The only real difference is that Cloud had friends to back him up while Sephiroth was abandoned, and I really, truly wish they could get an opportunity to reach some sort of understanding. And that would basically be it...

...but then the Remake happened. Diving into speculation territory here. I firmly believe that the Sephiroth we see in the Remake is a time traveller, or is at least aware of the future to some degree, and that the remake is actually a sequel where Sephiroth is quite literally remaking OG ffvii. He’s completely obsessed with Cloud to a degree that he never was in the OG, and considering how loyal the developers stayed to the characterization of basically every other OG character this immediately stuck out to me like a sore thumb even though it took me until the end of the game to piece it together.

I’m not kidding here. Sephiroth is desperate for Cloud’s attention in the Remake. He's constantly trying to touch Cloud, everything he says to Cloud makes him sound like a pining ex-husband, and he generally doesn’t do anything to harm Cloud except scaring him shitless simply by showing up. He actually has quite a few moments when he’s very gentle with Cloud. At the end of the game he basically even proposes to Cloud by asking Cloud to join him and genuinely seems upset when Cloud rejects him. And even then, he claims he doesn’t want Cloud (nor himself) to die.

For the life of me, I can’t wrap my head around what Sephiroth’s goal is in the Remake and I have no idea what they’re planning to do with his character in future parts, but I’m very excited to find out. The sefikura content in the Remake was very delicious and at this point the only thing they could do to surpass it in the future would be to have them actually make out on screen, lmao.

I hope this is coherent enough to read, I basically just tried to condense everything I could into a neat little essay and there’s definitely things I didn’t mention here, lol. I’ll write a proper, more well-thought out analysis another time!

Also, if you want to ask me anything else or talk to me about sefikura in general, my DMs are always open, both here and on twitter ;D

𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐃𝐈𝐃 𝐀 𝐁𝐀𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐆 . . . but i don’t regret the thing that i did !! hello all, i’ve been keeping this under wraps for the past few days but on a whim i’ve decided to bring on my second ( and last, i promise ) muse for the ride !! with that being said, it is jada here, max’s mun, but this time i’m presenting to you the wonderful im nari !! she was my initial idea before max, but i loved her too much to get rid of her !! i’m so excited for her to be here and i really hope she’s well received as well !! i’ve been slow on his acc for the past few days, and she’s the reason why, but now that i’ve gotten my life ( mostly ) together & things are running just fine again !! anyways, her profile’s here, and below you can find some general trivia on her as well as connection ideas !! oh, and like this to plot ! 

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘 :

from damyang, south korea !!  a v small agricultural town & was born into humble beginnings - a seamstress for a mom, and her dad a farmer !! so she lived on a small farm when she was younger and was raised with pigs, cows, and goats as pets !

she helped around the farm her whole time she lived home, so she has a lot of life skills t & knows all about caring for animals and tending the farm !

they weren’t well off by any means - they had a small income to spread thin between all those people - but they made it work !! she never felt truly slighted as she knew their situation, in fact in her own way, she was spoiled in the best way she could be given their predicament.

raised in a household full of boys - she’s the youngest w a family of 6 loud, rowdy boys.

so in a way she’s more of a tomboy, used to roughhousing and all her sibling’s antics !! she’s also used to doing a lot of heavy lifting around the farm so has surprising strength for her size.

on the other hand, being the youngest & only daughter has upped the girliness !! she’s used to being babied so knows all about acting cute & her mom was always using her as an experiment for all her clothes !! was raised on handmade dresses her mom made in all sorts of intricate patterns & loved it !!

has been an actress in the making for a g e s !!! it all started when she was a really young kid, her mom would let her watch the tv in the tailor shop so she’d have something to do while her mom was at work !!

so there was this drama “a rolling hills romance” ( which i TOTALLY made up lmao !! ) that she absolutely loooved !! it was about a farm romance and was one of the only ones she saw that wasn’t taking place in the city !! it just got her in love with acting in general though, she’d eventually memorize scenes from all the dramas she’d watch and recite them out of the blue !!!

eventually it got her into theatre acting, which was her favorite !! she started watching broadway shows from abroad, memorizing the songs even though she didn’t always know what they were saying. but she just loooved the whole thing, and when she was in middle school she joined her school’s theatre department !

this is where the majority of her english skills came into play - she would memorize the lyrics, and though she didn’t really know what they were saying after a while she began to understand some words !! so while her pronunciation is pretty good from mimicking actors, she lacks the vocab to really use it !!

so she’s really hesitant to speak in english, because if people hear her speak they think she’s a lot more fluent than she is & it lands her in awkward situations !! so she mainly just ... doesn’t do that lol !!

i can’t believe i forgot this when i first wrote this !! this is a very vital part of her character omg !! her first “acting debut” if you could call it that was for a chocolate commercial when she was 8 !! basically she was in this christmas commercial for peppermint chocolates that got on tv and everyone in her town went crazy !! she like goes and delivers these chocolates while singing jingle bells and it’s wholesome and cute and swet !! it wasn’t that big at all lol but for their small town it was, and to them she’s a sort of small celebrity for it !! i’m sure some people might remember the commercial but notlike .... her yk ?? because that was her first and last role for a while lol !!

anyways !! she’s always been self-conscious of her looks - she felt like she wasn’t pretty enough, and limited her confidence. so at 16 she got 2 part-time jobs to begin saving up money, and at 17 she went to seoul to get a nose job & jaw reduction surgery.

and things seemed to be great after that !! she was confident, gaining more friends, but the real excitement came when her mom read online about an audition for legacy and jokingly asked if she wanted to do it. 

legacy had never even be on her radar !! she had always heard her friends talk about them for idols, but she had never thought of them as a company that accepted actresses. upon reading though, she was hooked !! she begged her parents, and they originally rejected the idea because they thought it was one of her phases. however, after much persuasion, they allowed her to attend auditions !!

she never expected to get in, she wanted to do it more as an experience than anything. but to say it was a shock was an understatement !! but she was so so incredibly happy.

had a hard time adjusting initially - she was only 17, and almost right after getting there she had to spend her birthday alone since she hadn’t made any friends yet. and although she’s naturally outgoing, it was really hard for her to be social at first because she was surrounded by so many more people than she was used to !!

for the past few years nari’s been doing general idol training, though that’s about to change !! she’s significantly improved her dance skills ( which were nearly nonexistent prior to training ) & gotten a lot better at her singing !! but her heart’s still deep into acting, and she knows that she wants to do that as well as some modeling !

she still suffers a lot with her self confidence, and there’s a lot of pressure for her to do well ! in school, because she’s the first of her family to go to university, and as a trainee, because she’s risked so much for it & doesn’t want to disappoint since her family has v high expectations for her !

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 :

a little lovebug !! she’s literally so loving and accepting of everyone - definitely, someone you can come to talk out any issues, she listens & provides support, free of any judgement !! also v keen on skinship i apologize in advance

she’s come out of her shell a lot since she got to seoul, but she’s still a little shy if she doesn’t know you well or is put in a situation w a lot of people !! pls be patient with her ^^

like max, she’s got a lot of energy in that little body !! but she actually has adhd so a lot of it isn’t really by choice. it frustrates her a lot because it limits her focus & has the tendency to make her restless. it was worse when she was younger, but has gotten better as she’s gotten older and she takes medicine to keep everything in check.

she’s also got v low self-confidence, she’s never been satisfied with herself and constantly wants to get better !! despite the surgeries, she’s still got a lot of insecurities both physically and not, but keeps them bottled up a lot bc she doesn’t want to burden others !! ( i want to shake her !! ) bc of that, she takes both criticism & compliments very seriously, she’ll turn all red if someone gives her the smallest compliment but will also overanalyze & judge herself if she gets critiqued. 

in fact her surgery’s almost made her more self-conscious, as she now feels that all the opportunities granted to her are because of her looks post-surgery. the worst insult she could get was she’s only succeeding because of her looks, because she’s worked so hard on her skills and she wants them to be what takes her forward, not something she had to pay to get.

despite that, she’s the true definition of a happy virus !! on the outside, she’s almost always smiling, and when all the other stuff doesn’t get in the way, she is on the inside too !! always trying to look on the optimistic side & give people a fresh perspective !

on that note she’s v childish, and sometimes she has to remind herself w younger trainees coming in she’s being seen as more of an example and needs to be ~serious~!!

the duality is real !! in performances, sad / angry scenes are actually her specialty, and right after she’ll just spring up and smile like what’s up guys !!! a lil creepy when she goes from sobbing to giggling so she’s learned to transition a little better lmao !!

she always wanted to be a youtuber, but never got the chance, and by the time she joined legacy she wasn’t allowed to have an account. so now she has these little vlogs she does to send her parents ! they’re mainly of her getting ready, hanging out with friends, and practicing ( all out of training hours, ofc ) so she can often be found seemingly talking to herself, even though she’s really recording videos !! 

though being an idol wasn’t her initial dream, she adores the music. her love for the kpop genre has made the last few years more bearable, and girl crush concepts are her absolute favorite !! she’s been religiously keeping up w future dreams like she’s still just a fan back at home, and you’ll catch her humming all around the company building !!

in fact, prior to joining legacy, she had a fan blog for all her faves where she would provide commentary called ri raves !! it was ... a sight !! 

she’s pansexual, and leaning towards girls !! it’s something she’s really shy about sharing bc of the fear of judgment, but if she tells you know you have all her trust !!

a little spoiled tbh !! she’s got the youngest child syndrome BAD, and since she was the only girl she’s used to things being done for her !! not in the bratty way, it’s just made her a little lazy and she loooooves attention and being doted on.

don’t let her appearance fool you though !! she’s got surprising strength ... strong woman do bong soon’s not her favorite show for no reason !!! all those years of defending herself from her brothers’ teasing had to come in handy, you know ?? we’ve got a black belt in hapkido here folks !!

definition of a theatre kid, starts bursting out into songs she loves out of nowhere omg it’s embarrassing ?? also overreacts about everything omg the world is on fire according to her !! she’s gotta faint dramatically !!!

she’s got the jeolla-do dialect, and prior to working on her standard dialect it was veeery prominent ! it makes her say a lot of words differently than someone from seoul might, and after realizing she was one of the only ones with it she’s been trying to make her speech sound more like standard korean nowadays.

she’s taken up sewing from her mom, and especially loves embroidery !! so she always loves upcycling & spicing her outfits up !!

definitely has a unique fashion sense because of it - in addition to that she’s very frugal, and favors thrifted clothing !! she’s got a mix of vintage, chic, and artsy style !

 a rule follower !! veeery unlike max, she tends to stick to the rules out of fear of what will happen if she doesn’t, because she has way too much on the line to quit now !

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒 :

acting buddies ?? i know there aren’t too many, but even if that’s not your muse’s preferred career path, any muses who have a passion for theatre are welcomed as well !!

someone who unlike her, is v wild and lives on the crazier side !! she’s constantly going into a responsible panic when they’re around and they’re always trying to get her to loosen up !!

someone who co-stars in her little vlogs to her family !! hey, if you can’t be youtubers for real you might as well pretend, right ??

someone who made her adjustment to seoul easier as she transitioned from country to city life !! they’ve lived in seoul for a long time / their whole life and know all the best spots to show her !!

someone who’s clothing she likes to spice up, she’s always embroidering or adding pattern to their clothes to give their outfit a little flair !

someone who knows her past her happy side, who she’s got on speed dial whenever she’s feeling down and needs someone to talk to, and vice versa !!

someone who she came out too, be it on purpose or by accident, and it’s caused her to grow really attached to them bc it’s one of the most personal things about her !

a girl she’s got a crush on but is terrified to tell !!! like yes you’re pretty .... but these things are never easy !!! she’s gonna tell you .... eventually !!

and ofc - exes, flirtationships, summer loves, anything of the sort !

someone she lowkey fangirls over ?? she still hasn’t accepted the fact that she & the other trainees are kinda on the same level, someone she’s kind of became a fan of and can’t really function around them ??

by some crazy chance, this person has come across her old kpop fan blog at one time or another and won’t !!! let !!! her !!! live !!! it !!! down !!! will you accept her bribe and swear to never bring it up again ??? please ???

someone she doesn’t like ??? this is v rare but ... for one reason or another, she can’t stand them and transforms to a completely diff person around them !!

someone who made the mistake of teasing her a little too much or insulted her so much that she just straight-up tries to take them down !!! v unexpectedly !! bonus if it’s someone way out of her fighting capabilities !!

more ideas coming when i create an official plots page !!

Rayonfrozenwings Masterlist and Explanation.

Updated 16th September 2018.

::: Find the list below the intro:::

:: Intro ::    

These Fan theories have been released from after EOS as that is when I joined Tumblr, I lurked for a long time in the fandom, only liking and not re-blogging, then I started adding comments to other people’s posts, eventually re-blogging them. I was a serial lurker. haha. There is some amazing theories out there especially if you look for ‘tog6 theory’ in the fandom on older blogs - a time before we knew “Tower of Dawn” was going to be a full book. 

I have tried to source other Url’s in my theories if I expand on a point or want to give credit for the fact that they also had this type of theory, coz it's not cool to take other peoples ideas if you know they are out there (same ideas unknowingly being shared are ok because we can draw the same conclusions - I’m just sharing how I work and I like to give credit where it is due).  

As different books came out my theories changed.

As I re-read for the third or fourth time, my theories changed.

Some of my Theories I like.

Some I have drifted away from, like a friend you no longer see because you’re too busy.

Some I think might still be valid - if only a small proportion of them.

I write theories with an open mind. I put them out into the world with the hope that people will discuss them with me when I do that. Some of my theories weren’t really seen by others because I was/am a small blog and I’m ok with that. And some theories blew up because a few big blogs shared it and i’m ok with that too.

If you disagree with the Erilea post I have written, I keep an open mind to all possibilities.

And The reason I choose not to fully believe SJM’s tweet about ACOTAR and TOG being linked is because of three reasons. The first is that she said they could live in the same multi-verse (so a “sliders” style parallel universe perhaps?). The Second is that she used a winky face! A winky face in the tweet. What does that mean!!!! And the Third is that I read another book series by Terry Brooks and he said his series were not linked for the longest time. Then years later he said -oh yeah, they are linked and this series is kinda a prequel but I couldn’t tell you that at the time, because “spoilers”. And I think Sarah would twist the truth to keep us from looking too closely and ruining our own enjoyment of her books. Also it is just a theory. Does it really matter? Pretend its an AU type of thing :P.

However some of them I really really am invested in (e.g. my Truth Teller theory because it just feels so right to me and the Weavers Lament because it feels right too). And I just really really want to be told that I have something right!

::So without further ado ::

I’m making a Masterlist of my work. Mostly Theory but I dabbled in some fic writing as well, it just depends on my mood. So I have also included some of those pieces. Theories tend to come thick and fast when a new book is released and discussed. Or when we all re-read before the next book comes out - as you will see by my published dates. Have a browse - I’ve left the this as Url’s rather than hyperlinks because it makes it easier for me to keep track of what I do and don’t have listed. I may change it later if I feel like it. :D

I hope I found everything, sifting through my long ass blog is annoying.

*** THIS IS NOT SPOILER FREE: I AM CURRENTLY UP TO DATE WITH ALL SJM’s BOOK RELEASES (except Kingdom of Ash - as it hasn’t come out yet). I TALK ABOUT BOTH SERIES IN POSTS. IF YOU HAVE ONLY READ ONE SERIES I CANNOT GUARANTEE THAT THE THEORY WILL BE SPOILER FREE FOR THE OTHER ONE. ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAVE CROSSOVER THEORIES. ***

:: RAYONFROZENWINGS MASTERLIST ::

Posts are in Order of Date Published on Tumblr. 

Most Recent First. (NEW) September 16th 2018 - The Interconnection of ACOTAR and TOG and what this means for Kingdom of Ash.

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/178126351358/the-interconnection-of-acotar-and-tog-and-what

May 5th 2018 - Renee’s crazy amalgamation of theories - Part 2.

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/173589912933/part-two-an-addition-to-renees-crazy-theory

May 4th 2018 - Renee’s Crazy Amalgamation of Theories after reading ACOFAS. 

- https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/173572241063/renees-crazy-amalgamation-of-theories-after

March 5th 2018 - Maeve as Lani the Goddess of Dreams

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/171540195098/fan-theory-maeve-as-lani-goddess-of-dreams-and

And https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/171540160743/what-if

the quick summary of that theory. Maeve as the first embodiment of desire in the universe.

March 5th 2018 - Creepy Foreshadowing in HOF (Also here is a link to a fan fic based on this topic written by someone else - it can also be found in the reblogs of my post as I didn’t know it existed before writing mine.)

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/171528748258/guys-there-is-some-creepy-foreshadowing-in-heir-of

Feb 20th 2018 - A New Acolyte, a tiny fan fic.  

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/171084627053/a-new-acolyte

Jan 6th 2018 - The Weavers Lament - A Poem based on my Theory assumptions. (most of these theory assumptions were made on my acc ‘reneestowerofdawnspoilers’ because I was trying to keep my freak outs contained to a side blog after reading TOD).

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/169363770928/the-weavers-lament

Nov 6th 2017 - Truth Teller and the Subtle Knife https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/167176210028/truth-teller-vs-the-subtle-knife

A Theory about Azriel’s Blade Truth Teller, and how Elain was able to kill the king of Hybern.

Nov 4th 2017 - Part One and Part two on The Archeron sisters, their possible link to the fates and the origins of their family.

PART 1 - The Archeron sisters as the fates.

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/167094350393/the-archeron-sisters-as-the-fates-moirai-part

A Theory about the sisters as fates - Lachesis as Nesta, Clotho as Feyre, and Atropos as Elain. This then moves into part 2 …

PART 2 - Speculation on the Archeron Mother

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/167094408403/speculation-on-the-archeron-mother

Where the mother is possibly linked to the Mercenary in ACOTAR and a goddess.

Nov 3rd 2017 - Starfall and the Wild Hunt

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/167067744473/starfall-and-the-wild-hunt-a-acotartog-fan

An ACOTAR and TOG Crossover Theory, involving why Amren is so afraid of Starfall, the importance of Wyrd Gates and Wyrd Keys, The hounds of Erawan.

Nov 3rd 2017 - Galaythanius - name stuff

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/167074118023/ok-so-i-posted-a-theory-about-starfall-and-the

Just me jumping to conclusions about a link between a name that sounds like galaythanius and Artemis.

Oct 19th 2017 - Erilea

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/166565225118/erilea

A Theory about a possible crossover of Erilea and Prythian..

Have a look at the gif I made to see if you want to read it... >.<

Some of my Older Theories below have the assumption that ACOTAR is based on a bible based world or at least some of the characters are. However my thoughts have changed since writing these theories. I didn’t understand how much from all mythologies and religions around the world cross-over, so It's possible this is still true, or that SJM drew some ideas from it; but it's equally possible that she drew from greek/ roman/ norse/ egyptian/ jewish/ christian / folk tales etc etc. it is very hard when theory is an ever evolving process involving lots of discussion and viewpoints. So I still love these theories but I do recognise that anything is possible. Also comparative theology would be freaking amazing to study and I kind of wish I was still at uni.

Oct 14th and 15th 2017 (A collection of theories based on the Bible)

- The Story of Prythian

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/166412696743/the-story-of-prythian

- Feyre as Jesus Christ and Saviour

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/166412698178/feyre

- Angels - Fallen Angels and The Prison, Amren, Bryaxis, The Bone Carver and Styrga.

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/166412699068/angels

- Angels continued - High Lords as Descendants

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/166412700453/angels-continued

- Origins of the Illyrians - The fall of the Watchers

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/166412701713/origins-illyrians

- Predictions based on this series of theories

https://rayonfrozenwings.tumblr.com/post/166412704178/acotar-fan-theory-predictions-past

and i’m done.. for now. Acofas is only 2 more sleeps away, so i’m  sure I’ll think of something else soon. >.<

i know this blog doesnt have “that” many followers but.. yallll hear me out. imma rant. since i cant get this out to someone.

i used to have someone to share things with. not just “someone” but we were a group of friends. a group of friends that was just too naive. we were just having fun. enjoying the extra time given to us to be in this world. 7 of us.  we were all classmates during our junior high school so we were pretty close.  the usual group of friends would do. eat lunch together, procrastinate together, share secrets together, being supportive, so literally we’ve been together through ups and downs with our life.

then senior high school came. 2 from the group went to a different school, one was just kilometers away but one was on a different place, far away from this hometown. i thought and hoped that we would continue with our friendship and routines. we did. but. not for long.

many things have changed from just a few months.

2 from the group then got to meet and enter the world of “relationship”. it was fine for us bc again, we were all supportive. we all want everybody to be happy with their lives.

but then one of us got distant. she doesnt eat lunch with us anymore. i was a bit more closer to this friend so i asked her why doesnt she eats lunch with us. her reason all the time was that she was in a diet and does not have the mood to eat every lunch time. we let her be because we thought that it was just for the time being. but no, she told me the truth. she said that this friendship was getting toxic. at that time, i was confused. i thought that we were doing fine.

but as time passes by, one of us was being distant too. and i wAS LIKE ????????? gurls where tf u all going.

2 of us, the ones who got into the relationship world was also confused.

now its down to me and the 2 of them. 3 of us still kept on eating lunch together and all...

until one day.

i now understand why my other friend said that this friendship was getting toxic.

my 2 friends who were in a relationship didnt got to balance their time. they left me behind. no i was not jealous. no i was not “desperate” for their attention.

they somehow told me to wait for them as we will be going home together. but as i waited, i messaged, noOPE, they no where to be found bruh.

and i thought that... maybe we’ve outgrown each other????? i thought that maybe we werent really meant to stay with each others lives for too long. altho, those promises and moments together were very unforgettable, i will always support them til the very end. i wish them happiness. i wish them love.

we may have said to each other that we will be always by each other’s side... yes we are,, not physically but.. by spirit??? mentally??

i love them but.. we’ve chosen different paths for our lives. and these does not mean that i despise them. these does not mean that i will be talking behind their backs. no.

i think im just accepting the fact that we were just people passing by and crossed paths. but is not meant to stay.

if ever one of u guys read this, which i highly doubt since i did not mention to anyone of u about this acc, i love u guys and will always will. if things are meant to be, then it will be. i love you and will always will. know that i highly treasured what was formed between us throughout those years. it was unforgettable and irreplaceable. take care of urselves. i may not be so expressive with my feelings everytime we are together, but i am really grateful for meeting you all.

but now,

i am finally closing this chapter of my life.  but we do not know, if we would crossed again in some of my chapters.

love u, igats/queens. xoxo

Kids and FAQs

And now for my best Terry Gross Impression:  If you're just joining me, my guest is Ashley Bass.  Ashley moved with her husband and two children from Seattle to New Zealand in May of 2018.  In early 2019 she started blogging about her experiences as an expatriate, parent, and regular person living life in a different part of the world.  The blog started as the best way she could think of to tell lots of people at one time how the family is doing and what the move had been like, but it turns out it’s also serving as a way to consider and learn from her personal experiences.  In this segment, she’ll try to answer some of the Questions she is Frequently Asked by her friends and family.  

Welcome back to the program!  I started this set of blog posts a few weeks back with “how we got here” and moved on to “where we are.”  Now we’re in the “what we are are doing” part of the blog, and to be honest, I have struggled with how to approach it because  I have so much to tell you about.  At least, so much to tell you about if I work under the assumption that you’re interested in fairly mundane details of a day-to-day life that sounds pretty standard...school,  work.  travel. sport. exploration. drinks. food.  Although, it seems like a fair assumption that you want to hear about it all since you’re reading this blog and anyway isn't that what facebook and Instagram are all about -- constant insight into nothing and everything all the time?!?  Well, blogs may be old school but they give me lots of room for detail. 

Or maybe you just read this blog for the pictures...?  You could just follow me on Instagram (_ashley_bass_), but we live in a world of instant gratification and high expectations, so here! 

That’s Jason and James playing header ping pong on a cement table with a soccer ball.  Didn't expect that, did you? Me either. And yet it makes so much sense. 

As part of my effort to tell you what we are doing, I was drafting a summary of the places we have been and the things we have done/seen since we’ve been in NZ.  It was pages long...we’ve done a lot.  When I think about writing it all in a blog post I can only think of a phrase James uses all the time: “oosh.”  Or maybe it’s “ush”?  I guess it’s more of a sound than a phrase; it’s a kind of a take on the traditional “oof” but slightly less physically pained and a little more overwhelmed.  I like it, and it works in this case, and is one of the only terms I could steal from James and use in a blog.  Another option for using a James phrase would have been “butt cheek,” because he's a 17 year old boy with a vocabulary that has been stripped down to the modern version of caveman.  His catch phrases are “butt cheek” (usually used confrontation with Anily); “bot” (used in confrontation with Anily but also safe enough to apply to me and Jason when we do something he thinks is stupid, which is most things); and a wide variety of aggressive sounds that spill from his room during an especially frustrating moment of playing Fortnite or FIFA -- he has headphones on and is playing online with other people so he’s especially loud and shockingly vocal and foul mouthed. Apparently he plays with a guy named “Monkey” on the regular and seems to be either super annoyed by or excited about Monkey at any given time.  Lots of yelling.  Ooosh.  

So I guess he’s a pretty regular teenage boy.  For example, I suspect it’s regular that he SUCKS at doing dishes but THINKS he is convincing when he argues about the relative fairness of his doing dishes versus Anily’s job of taking out the trash bins but UNABLE to comprehend the fact that we actually don't care at all about fairness.  But listen, he’s still sweet and he’s overall a really good kid.  And he got great results on his first round of NZ High School exams!  

So one way I can think to report on the goings-on is to try to report on the Qs people ask me pretty F(requently) when I have the chance to catch up on the phone, or the Qs I imagine you’d ask me if you had extra time to wonder about my life, the Qs I would ask you and sometimes ask myself about moving so far away to a brand new place.  For example, here’s one I have been asked more than once: Do you have an accent?  Well, yeah, duh -- an American one! Seriously, I sometimes realize that when I think people are listening intently to what I have to say they are literally just trying to figure out what I am saying. I haven't yet adopted a new way of delivering sentences but small common Kiwi expressions are starting to creep in to my vocabulary.  James is the most Kiwi of us all when it comes to speaking, probably because he has the most consistent exposure to it from school and from online gaming. E.g. “Oy, Monkey, what the fuck?!”  Or “Good one, mate, go Monkey go!”  

One of the most Frequently Asked Questions I get (both from US friends and people I meet here who find out that we moved across the world in the middle of the kids’ most formative school years) is “how are the kids doing?”   The short answer is that I think they are doing really well.  I can't say whether they like it better here than Seattle, but they do like it, and they don’t hate us (at least  not too much or too often, and this would likely have been the case in Seattle too).  They miss their friends in Seattle, of course.  They miss American Ketchup.  They miss American Netflix.  But they have friends here and they're doing well in school and playing soccer and futsal and indoor soccer, so in a lot of ways it’s business as usual (but less likely they’ll get shot). 

A few things are different:   For one, Anily and James will go to school together for the next two years.  IN UNIFORMS.  Including a kilt for Anily which is just heinous. if I’m honest.  Although having uniforms is great  -- no need to think about what to wear, no pressure to buy certain clothes or shoes; it’s actually super weird that the US doesn't do uniforms, when the rest of the world pretty much does.  But anyway, they would never have gone to school together again in Seattle, but because the school year is January - December and high school is 5 years, James is about to start the equivalent of junior year and Anily will start high school at the same school next week.  She says she’s too small to go to high school but as far as I can see, she's gotten pretty big!  

Since we have been in NZ, James turned 17 and Anily turned 13.  Yeah, Jason and I had birthdays too.  So not only are we OLD, we are re living in a house with two teenagers.  And even though they are quite teenager-y, one of the best things about moving to NZ is how much time we spend together and how much we have shared in this journey. 

Here’s a fun story, and one of those times I wish I’d been recording the world around me:  On Anily’s 13th birthday we went paddle boarding down the Avon River. For those of you from San Antonio, the Avon is kind of like the San Antonio Rover -- it winds through town, creates some nice views, and is probably 2 feet deep and 15 wide in it’s largest parts.  It’s lovely, but it’s leaning pretty heavily on the creek side of “river.”  But it’s water and we have paddle boards and it was a super nice day out and I had decided on the previous Friday while I was having beers at the Craft Embassy and looking out over the river that it must be floatable.  I was pretty sure we could handle any rapids we might encounter and I might have felt a slide need to redeem myself after our recent canoe trip down the Whanganui River (more later).  So I was pretty intent on making it happen.  According to the city, the Avon is a “great source of recreation for walkers and boaters.” But the only official information I could find ANYWHERE about how to recreate in it was a suggestion to go punting, aka have a guy in formal clothes and broad brim hat push you with a pole though a section of the river that goes through the botanic gardens.  Which I think probably is nice but can you see me on this flat thing when I could be controlling my own destiny with some light paddling on a just-slightly-underinflated paddle board with James on the front of it and Anily and Jason beside me on another, slightly-better-inflated one?  

No!  We parked a car at one end of town, drove to the other, put the boards in the water without a clue as to whether it was legal, and floated past the punters (take that punters!), through the traffic jam in the botanic gardens (learn how to paddle forward, people!), got out with the eels at the Craft Embassy, drank some beers and ate some snacks, got back in and kept floating.  It was only when we made another stop at the park that things took a dramatic turn. Anily slipped on the way off the board onto the landing.  Jason held out the paddle for her to catch her balance, she slipped, the paddle knocked her tooth out.  Like, into pieces.  There was a Japanese tourist looking at the eels (yes, more of them!) and I heard him say “ooh shattered!” as pieces of enamel flew through the air. Oh, and I lost my keys. Is this why we were the only people on the entire river -- is it cursed?! I’d do it again, we did not get to finish and we only had to walk once or twice.  So when you visit, let me know if you’re up for it and I’ll put some air in the paddlboards and buy you a mouth guard.  

We did get to file our first ACC claim as a result -- ACC covers everyone in New Zealand with a no-fault scheme if they've been injured in an accident. A little more Kiwi by the day.  

Eels in the river: 

Anily’s tooth: 

Oosh (Ush?) is right!  Real, truly, though, we’ve had a lot of family fun here and the kids are both pretty awesome.  At least they go along with my crazy ideas some of the time (Jason almost always does, which I really appreciate, because he’s much better at execution on these things.  Like, with the river, he's the one who suggested wearing shoes, which turned out to be very useful). I’m happy to be able to spend so much time with the kids, more than I was able to figure out how to do in Seattle,  and I think this has been a great learning and growth experience for Team Bass. One thing we learned?  Don’t be too close to a paddle if you’re on a slippery boat landing in a river full of eels :-) 

Oh also!  Anily got a cat for her birthday: 

A huge release, new reality, new fire

I’m back for a moment. In March my higher self told me to disconnect from everybody, to stop sharing, but focus on myself. I haven’t reached out to the twin since then because I felt I stretched myself and I had to re-balance our energy as too much of my energy was on him. I haven’t achieved anything specific but apparently it was so he could get in touch with himself and understand that I didn’t go crazy when I started channeling and sharing with him intensively all what I received. And he was not in touch before and after so I had enough. There’s a new hope though, as things are finally set in motion after such a long tiresome season of planetary retrogrades and purging!

On May 16th we had a major ‘come back’ and a merge in spirit, through inner pain though I knew we had to do this when it appeared because the new fire is just behind that phase of tearing us through pain. I was pulled to lay down in bed and close my eyes and focus on the twin. It was like a command from the higher force, so the body pushed me to apply. I felt my twin’s spiritual call too. There was this feeling that I wanted to ditch everything I had here and tumble down like a ball from a hill, to leave my old life and forget everything except for the twin. Nothing in the world can be a replacement for each other, no hobby, no work, no time killers. There was this urge that we wanted to be together right here-right now. It’s our soul’s pull unlike before, soul’s parts are  desperate to come together and melt into One. Pain was in the soul only and then I knew there would be some new turn of events next, something we’ve been waiting for. I then received many more channelings about an importance of us, myself, human angelics and things like that so the entire picture is 70% cleared up. And now there’s a new unexpected hype in me! It seems it’s related to the nods and astrology (which I don’t like relying on, but sometime it’s effects are felt so strongly that I cannot deny). The lunar nods have changed this month from Pisces/Virgo (water & earth - a (under)ground work, slavery, sacrifice in the name of  love/work, perfection, old deals, karma etc; my very natal opposition) to Aquarius/Leo (air & fire - above the ground work, freedom and joy, excessive creativity, unrestrained self-expression, higher understanding, communication, warmth and sacral sex; my & twin’s Venus are in these signs, acc., to sidereal astrology which I do recommend to check out). Venus moves forward very soon (in Aries) and I can feel this new joyful gate being opened already. Thus I want you to watch this video because it came as a big sync today:

“Astrology UPDATE! Huge Portal Opening, Lunar Nodes square Sun, Pleiadian Doorway”:

I now really feel I am freed from chains which held me here where I live, whether karmic or based on my family’s fears projected on me. Nothing is more important than being with the TF and living our own life together, it’s felt from both sides and yet it’s open to happen, there’s no wall between us right now. I feel my sexuality coming back just as I had it before, in my 20s. It’s like if I was sacked for 20 years to be boxed, to suffer, to worry what others say if I do this or that, to walk not my own Path but I’m coming back and I’m taking what always has been mine: my power, my freedom, my love-life, my sexuality, my interests, my ways of doing things etc., etc. With joy, but no aggression anymore! The heart leads the way, not the head anymore! It now feels like walking on the ground but actually above, detached from the 3D grid. I haven’t even changed my life style, except for what my soul & body were forcing me to change (diet, addictions - video gaming, networking). We never dated anybody during the time of separation, we remained pure for each other and I felt sexually dead for most of this time. My dreams had drastically improved. I had shit dreams during the last 3 months and now it’s a return to my normal adventurous dreaming world where I explore, experience, visit places, meet people, other beings etc etc. After the merge (where the heart & 3rd eye were connected as it felt) I can sense the TF’s sitting in me, around me, becoming my world, seeing what I see, he is like a layer between what I see around and myself. There was an amazing wave of love and unity between May 16-18th and it will continue into June. I can sense Twin’s attention turned onto me like 4 years ago when we recognized each other because the wall & veil of disillusion had been removed. Those 4 years feel like 400 years! I even know that when we meet again we will feel not as strangers unlike in the beginning, but as equals, identically transformed, upgraded, transparent and it’ll be a jaw-dropping experience. Transparency was there in the beginning which is always present in the TF connection but we didn’t know each other as humans. Now we know each other on every level. I didn’t allow it at first but now I do and it feels amazing. I want my twin know everything about me from the inside, to sit in me and enjoy my purity as I do his ;)) The hope is back. The wanting is back. The fog is over. All is set in motion, slowly and unstoppable. Most importantly the freedom, also in the relationship is back. A standard human relationship would not see freedom within a relationship, there are always strings attached. Here, in the twin flame connection there is love and there is freedom included. Freedom when together, hugging tightly, attached, connected yet liberated because feeling complete. Freedom when planning things together. The twin flame relationship is a ‘new normal’ and should be understood and accepted as such. I don’t think/feel that everybody must have a TF thus we have these sad and misleading stories shared online by people who mistaken their soul mates or karmic relationships for TFs. If through all your life you knew, felt that there’s this other person waiting for you to share love unconditionally, authentically, max open, to literately exchange each other, and you wanted a boyfriend/girlfriend to be the same like you, then it’s 100% sure there’s a TF for you because deep in the heart you remember you promised the One to come back together when the time is right. Feel what you feel, don’t search for answers in the head if you’re confused. No TF will be left alone but you have to stop sabotaging yourself and acting against authentic love and DNA purge. I had countless moments of feeling like shit, worthless, hopeless, everything felt impossible, no opportunities to come back, twin out of touch, hiding, etc yet I stayed on the Path as I knew I had to. None of us in this connection is more or less important than the other, we can stand up and look each other in the eye, so hearts do and other chakras too, glued and aligned. Twin flames are weapons to fight against the darkness with our 3rd energy of love we crate together. Cabal is fearing this because it means their total destruction, and that’s what we want, right? The Universe needs us together. It’s only the timing which makes some of us impatient, ditch the Path, doubt, worry, leave harder for the easier. It’s easy to forget how it felt with the TF as energy vapours fast. But nothing can be comparable to the feeling when twins connect again through every atom and particle, and in connection with the source of Love. There’s an overwhelming Oneness and joy, completeness and liberation which erases any former struggle, unhappiness and depression. It always comes unexpected however. There’s so much going on that I’m unable to write just a post about all of it. It’s happening in another zone, in another dimension which is actively criss-crossing with this one here. But I hope I’ve motivated everybody, including myself heh, to stay on the Path!

Finally, our galactic families are on their way, closer than ever before!

http://2012portal.blogspot.se/2017/05/disclosure-process.html

I‘m so wildly happy about this, I had felt & dreamt of this before I found this above blog post, yet my brain doesn’t even deny a possibility of aliens coming down to let us get rid of the darkness! There’s a danger of another war here on Earth - Cabal had an agreement with the Light Forces to let humans be free, yet they’re breaching it as they’re so greedy. We humans want to be free from slavery once for all, we want to do what or hearts like. No more slavery jobs, studying bullshit just to have a job, no more religion, harassment, forcing things on us.  We did our part, now it’s time for higher forces to step in. Cabal doesn’t want to let go, this effects our TF relationships too. Cabal was asked to leave but they’re fewer and fewer thanks to Gaia’s clearing and empowering so they’re creating chaos as never before. They are madly desperate. What seems to be your negative thoughts are not yours specifically if you’ve ever made contract with something dark, something which doesn’t suit any purpose these days and is not in alignment with your upgraded energy. Do not give it to fears as fears are thoughts, energy forms, and they do materialize faster than anything positive! Let’s not create a scenario of another war because it all starts in the head! Don’t let the brain attach to the possibility. All is well. Cabal  will be doing everything to detach you from the twin, hope and dreams and vice versa. The soul and the Light forces will not allow for this to happen. The Universe wants us together, happy and rewarded for ages of the struggle, we‘ve done our part. We are love weapons and we need to come and stay together to smash the darkness so the Earth would be a paradise as we never experienced before. Or we did but on other planets ;)

The other video you can watch feat. Andrew Bartzis - a galactic historian as he calls himself, who has access to his own DNA memory (so called Akashic records). Many of his opinions/truths totally confirmed what I also felt/knew. He’s also a few billion years old being as I am that’s why I resonated with his words :)

Here his channel with more vids, phone calls etc.

And if you think you have unfinished energetic contracts with some beings, partners, job places, organizations, religion, anything which stops you from expansion, from ditching 3D reality, and from being you as you have always been in the beginning, here are excellent contracts for you to modify & apply to your current life situation http://andrewbartzis.com/insights/

These are offered for free. I did one of these revocations and I cut myself off old energies, I thanked all beings who should no more stick around and I called out the masters with matching vibration to accompany me in the further spiritual advancement. Then a few days later I was connected with my higher mind, and I received the truth about color rays, the creation of the Universe, the I AM, Elohim etc. I’ve understood and returned to the first version of myself - the I AM which comes before Seraph, Draconian, Dragon and me in the human form. I AM builds the Path towards the source of Love (a return to) so we know what our goals are, but we forgot when we came here into the 3D density and stepped away because we’d tempted with other often mismatching things and people. I AM corrects this an always pulls us back on the one and only Path. These days our higher versions/selves are merging with us here on Earth to help us be back and stay with our twins in the physical reality. They are bringing opportunities, the pull, so runners are back. No more astral dreaming and navigating blindly. Simply put, we are all gods but we abused this knowledge during the first days on Earth. We’re spent ages to correct this yet we were tricked into a network of slavery by Cabal. No more! Angels, our home is waiting, welcomes us back, believe it, go above what you were taught is the only reality. It’s only religion which teaches us obedience and fear of ‘god’. We’re equal to ‘god’/source of Love or you name it. And for the first time we don’t have to physically die to be free from slavery to be able to return home. It’s happening as we are alive, every minute, accelerating.

//It’s a bit messed up post but I just wanna give you some hints on how I feel lately so perhaps you can resonate if you feel the same, then have some confirmation that things are stuck no more.//

‘Heaven is waiting’. (Heaven -  also a name of a mothership ;)

This post is copyrighted by the author of this blog who prefers to remain anonymous. My posts must not be used for commercial purposes of any kind. Respect my work - ask first before you copy, always include a link back to my site when you quote a part of my writing!

Hi! I love your works! What got you into writing and theater? How and where did you start? Just very curious because you are so good! Thank you!

Vaguely long answer (extremely long way too long I’m so sorry I think this is the most I’ve talked about myself on tumblr in years) under the cut because I ramble a lot about my own life and these two things have been stupidly important in my life?

Writing!

So I was a very solitary kid because ew what was being outside, that’s boring, which meant I spent every single day from about fourth grade, when I was finally allowed do this, to eighth grade, during recess and lunch, in the library reading. (Same in high school, except we had different periods and breaks and by that time I was in enough AP classes that it was usually homework I was doing.) I read so much as a kid. Then there were also the classroom libraries that were just, like, two shelves of books that you could read during class if you were done with your exercises, those I’d read every single book on the shelf since, like, second grade, although each grade new classroom new shelf so new books, but by third or fourth grade I was on my third read-through of everything on that grade’s shelf and was so bored of books that I’d read already and decided then and there that if there were no new books for me to read, I was going to write my own book to read.

I don’t think the .docs exist anymore of this really shitty story that I started in third grade that I’m pretty sure were about three triplets who were princesses and the Chosen Ones and had all sorts of magical powers but it was a world where everyone had different types of powers but theirs were more powerful because they were Special with a Capitol S…I think one could manipulate all water, one could make force fields (which, of course, she could use to fly, you can do anything with forcefields if you try hard enough) and I forget what the other one could do, probably control energy/electricity? It was somewhere between 30 and 50 pages of Times New Roman, 12 pt font, double spaced. The Princesses had to run away from someone trying to assassinate them and take over the kingdom and train and learn to use their powers and the only thing I remember is that their powers kept getting more and more ridiculous as the story went on as I got more and more creative with applications of them (like the water one made a boat out of water and they escaped in the ocean sitting in this water boat as it propelled along like that scene from The Incredibles except the boat was all water instead of Mom and Dash), it was a mess but it was a beautiful mess and now it is gone forever probably because I think my mother’s computer has crashed and been replaced a couple times since then. RIP.

I’ve never really stopped writing, like. I wrote a shit-ton of fanfiction in high school because I found a show that I really liked the world background and felt like not enough of the characters were explored so I just hit the ground running, I think there’s, like, 550k or so of fanfic I wrote on an account that I have buried at the bottom of fanfiction.net and will never reveal to anyone ever. There’s a draft of a novel from high school too, this one, like, 95k, and I still have it. I may or may not have been re-working it as a part of a 7-novel biblical apocalypse in space idea that I had for a while, but that all got put on hold when I started it feels more like a memory. Um. Since high school, I did NaNo four or five times and have vague half-drafts sitting around from a bunch of those, too? Then there’s an immense amount that Wayfinder has played into my writing, which will be covered in the theater section, but I’ve probably written somewhere around 200k for Wayfinder, and then I’ve participated at this point in 102 Wayfinder games, I’ve kept a list, and those feel like living in a novel for anywhere from two to five hours and are just…all life-changing in terms of gaining perspective. But yeah, there are a dozen half-finished drafts of this and that that I’ve got on my computer that maybe one day will become something, maybe won’t, they keep me warm on a cloudy day type deal.

I remember when I first entered college four and a half years ago I was really proud because I’d passed the landmark of having written 1 million words of fiction so far in my life. I’m probably around a million and a half now? I stopped counting. But I was obsessed at the time with the 10,000 hours rule which when applied to writing was the 1 million words rule so I officially thought I maybe Wasn’t Crap™ after that.

But, yeah, writing has always been a huge part of my life, and a mostly private part of my life? It was just something I did in my free time for me and if I ever shared it, it was fanfiction, and in high school that meant it was anonymous in that it was under a pseudonym and disconnected from me as a person in every other aspect and thus very compartmentalized. Never something I had to worry about confrontation or being judged about. As a kid I always wanted to be a novelist, like, do science and math and then publish cool science fiction on the side. I still want to do that, write and publish and original novel. Although it’s less of a life goal and more, like, if it happens it happens. I was worried for so long about getting a manuscript accepted by an agent or editor but as I’ve gotten older and older I’ve started hating capitalism more and more and would want anything I write to be available for free online, and my friend @ink-splotch has been talking to me and giving me advice about what self-publishing is like, (also go read her books) (they are the best in the world and I’ve gotten a ridiculous amount of inspiration from just aaaah the writing style and the world mechanics and the casual folklore and treatment of side characters), but, like. Yeah. Maybe I’ll publish one day. I’m considering writing a sequel to it feels more like a memory and writing it as an original novel because the main things that the sequel deals with are the consequences of “what does a Seer mean in terms of modern physics” (as in our modern type modern, maybe even a bit in our future) and, of course, our favorite cast of characters still appears but it’s not terribly important that they be the specific historical characters and there’s a lot of issues surrounding “any story about these historical characters is a story that is intrinsically exalting slave owners” that at this point, like, if I’m writing a story that’s no longer set in the historical setting, why should I stick so solidly to the names of people that at this point have evolved very much beyond their historical counterparts and will probably eventually evolve past the direct musical interpretation too, when I could just change names and then have it be my own original fiction that could either stand on its own or be read as a direct sequel, and then it’s not connected to the atrocities that Hamilton characters are connected to, and also just I really do want to try my hand at original fiction again. So that might be on the horizon.

Um, writing. Yeah. I’m really only used to doing it for me. To be honest, it’s ridiculously weird to me the following that it feels more like a memory has gotten, and kind of uncomfortable at times? I mean, I wouldn’t change anything, I’m really grateful for the massive response and how much it’s mattered to various people, it’s not mine anymore, it’s a collective experience this attitude almost definitely also comes from my experiences at Wayfinder and mostly it’s just really weird to me how big of a part of my life this has become? Like, when I look back on 2016 and 2017 and maybe 2018 decades from now, they’re going to be the years when I was first doing math and physics research and publishing papers in scientific journals and applying to grad school and working on my cool shiny space thesis but also the years that I was writing it feels more like a memory, like, literally, there are pages and pages of handwritten scenes scrawled in my personal journals right next to mathematical calculations and notes and research and grad school lists. This fic has kind of really changed my life. It’s been a huge part of what I think about on a day-to-day basis, I’ve put an immense amount of time and energy and resources into it, I’ve learned so much about a bunch of subjects that were never relevant to my life before, I’ve made friends, I’ve started talking to people, also just, like, bouncing ideas around and going back and forth about the musical Hamilton and writing plans and writing techniques and James Madison has been one of the reasons I’ve gotten really close with a person that I consider to maybe be my best friend today. Even this blog has gone from “my Wayfinder friends and maybe a few campers follow me” to “holy shit a whole bunch of people that I don’t know, like, an entire order of magnitude more than the people that I do know, follow me now,” and it was just really…unexpected. I started writing it feels more like a memory for me. It was an experiment, it was just curiosity of trying to reproduce the sense of inevitability and growing doom caused by Aaron Burr’s dual role as narrator and character, it was never supposed to become…this.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really grateful, I think it changed me for the better, and this isn’t me going “I wish everyone would unfollow me so I could go back to being a hermit,” I’m just kind of…still in shock. That it’s grown bigger than me. And that maybe if I keep doing this writing thing, life won’t go back to normal, this is the new normal.

Anyways that was probably way more deep and introspective than you asked for, let’s move on to

Theater!

My father is a tenured professor at UCLA in the math department, he got a joint math-physics PhD from Princeton, he taught me how to do algebra over the summers before I learned to read, you can see where I got my math genes from.

My mother, who is an accountant and a damn good one too so also does a shit-ton of math, was really really into musical theater before she settled down to do taxes, and did a bunch of theater and singing, like, she was a Madonna impersonator once and totally toured Japan with an Elvis impersonator giving shows, she and my father met at a singing competition that she won and I don’t think my father ever got over it, she and my dad are divorced now but the person she’s currently with and has been her ~soulmate~ for forever she met because they were in a production of Lancelot and he was playing Lancelot and she was playing Guinevere.

(It’s really funny because actually the woman that I’m in love with and that if I believed in soulmates would defs be my soulmate, it’s scary how in sync we always are it’s like we can legit read each other’s minds, literally, and we consistently call each other at exactly the same time not having planned it and finish each other’s sentences and have been on the same page about everything for as long as we’ve known each other and also literally dated the same dudes vaguely in reverse order before we went “wait what if screw guys, we were dating instead” and she maybe hopefully will become my fiancé when I’m in a stable enough position financially to ask, I also met her through theater camp after we kept being cast in roles in which we were romantically connected to one another until we went “what if we did this in real life too.” So I guess it too runs in the family.)

I was in choir from, like, first grade on all the way through high school, religious choir in 1st-8th and then “we perform cool arrangements” choir in high school. My father coached me in signing lessons so I could be in the school-wide talent show in first grade. I was a total ham, I loved the spotlight. I took piano lessons for a little while? So I can sight-read. But, like, the theater side of things, I was in every single musical I was allowed to be from 7th grade, where they first let you into the drama program, through the three years I was in high school before I technically dropped out of high school. I ran lights and soundboard for a bunch of events in college because wheeee work-study jobs, so I was in on the technical side of theater too for a bit.

The real theater thing that I’ve actually been really involved in and really active in has been a summer camp called “The Wayfinder Experience”. It’s…I call it “gay theater camp” a lot because it really is, like, the amount that it is a safe space for LGBT kids is ridiculous, I’m pretty sure there are more non-straight and non-cis people in the community than not, and Wayfinder is just…absolutely unique in what they do. I found them when I was 15, a counselor from AstroCamp that I was absolutely enamored with went “you should really come to Wayfinder, I think you’d love it,” and I did mostly because I was absolutely enamored with them, and it changed my life.

Wayfinder is technically a LARPing camp, I guess, but they’re so much more than that. What they do revolves around these “Adventure Games” that are run, but there’s a huge amount of improv workshops and community-building exercises and spending time in nature and ridiculous games like Blood Rush which the best I can describe it is “Vampire Murder Football” but everyone hangs out, gets to be silly, gets to play all these really cool different things during workshops, but then also there will be a writer for any given week of camp that has prepared a whole world with its own mythology and history and geopolitical landscape and religions and important conflicts, we range in genres from high fantasy to cyberpunk to apocalypse settings to Westerns to just…anything that anyone can imagine. And the gamewriter will, over the course of the week, lead workshops where they tell everyone about this world they wrote and cast people as characters in it and everyone will do character development workshops where they flesh out their own backstories and make connections to other characters and are led through exercises that is everything from “how does your character walk” to “what are slang words that your little friend group uses” to “what do you dream about at night”. And then for game, the Sets and Props department turns the entire campus into an area in the world that the gamewriter designed, and everyone gets a full costume designed for them from the costuming department and then just for, like, three to five hours, we all enter the world that we’ve been learning about all week and just…act. Improvise. Like, there’s “flow,” or quasi-planned events that staff members who are cast as characters that generally have some power to shake and move things (i.e. politicians, respected scientists, mad wizards, evil Lords of the Dead) will be told “okay about an hour after game starts if these things happen do this or move things in this direction,” but otherwise it is the campers who are kind of deciding the fate of the world by their actions and their choices that they make fully in character.

So yeah. It’s like living in a novel. And I’ve gotten to do it 102 times at this point, for the first summer as a camper and then pretty much immediately I got hired as a staff member. I’m every once in a while a Workshop staff, aka leading forty-to-sixty kids in theater games and improv games and run-around games outside etc etc, I’m usually costuming staff which means wheeee so much sewing and organizing from our pre-existing costuming, although I’ve done Sets and Props a fair amount of the time too. I also was involved in the founding of the Frontier Adventures, which is an off-season year round program that every other month on Saturday runs a full day event and all proceeds go to the Hero Fund where kids who can’t afford to go to camp can get to go for free and so I was doing, like, directing and hiring and renting the land and organizing the schedule and just running those events for the last two years. I retired for the 2016-2017 season to concentrate on applying to grad school.

And then, of course, I’ve done a lot of gamewriting for Wayfinder. I’ve written and run four pretty serious games that I’m stupidly proud of—The Old Land, Octagon House, Requiem, and The Wishing Well. Writing a game is like nothing else in the world. It’s kind of like writing a novel, it’s certainly as much work as writing a novel, except you get to watch your novel come to life. You have to know your world inside and out—in the world background workshops, you’re going to have fifty kids throwing questions at you that are anywhere from “how’s the gay thing going” to “so you know your werewolf world has seven different moons for the seven different tribes of werewolves, and the sixth moon has an irregular orbit, first of all I’m assuming this is a rocky planet because it holds life so it can be at most four times the size/density of Earth but then also all of these moons are large enough such that their gravity makes them spherical, what does that do to the tides? As well as are tidal forces strong enough to affect volcano patterns on this planet, like it does on Jupiter’s moon Io? Also how in the world does the sixth moon have an irregular orbit, was it created more recently than the others or tugged into the gravitational well of the planet within the last few millennia, or—“ to, you know, more answerable questions like “how does [this part of the mythology] affect [this geopolitical issue].”

But it also just—it makes storytelling such a collaborative process. You write something, you dream up a whole world and the unique incredible people who live in it and the thousands of stories that make up their lives and the bursting potential of where a story can go, and then you hand it over, you give it to a community that you know and you trust and you’ve just met, you gift each of your characters to someone new, and then you watch as their bring your world to life. Your story isn’t your story. It’s the story of everyone who has experienced everything along with you. And it’s so incredible to be on the other end of it too, to be gifted a character and given the fate of the entire universe that rests on the decisions that you and your friends make in the moment. You live and you die and you laugh and you sacrifice everything and you find bravery within yourself that you never had before, and when you come out of it, you’ve…you’ve got fifty or sixty new best friends that maybe you haven’t known them in the real world for so long but you’ve bled (not usually real blood, we’re a summer camp for kids, after all) and sweat and cried and changed the world next to them, over and over, and it forms bonds of trust and a community in the real world unlike anything else.

So, yeah. Wayfinder has been a huge part of my life and my worldview and my experiences for the last…six years now? They’re my community, they’re my best friends, it was where I turned when I was scared and hurting and didn’t know where I was or how I was ever going to get through life and it was just…everything. And it sort of still is. So yeah. Gay theater camp. It’s the best.

I learned about Hamilton through Wayfinder, actually. I was Patient 2, but, like, I learned about it one day after Patient 0 learned off of an add on Amazon.com, Patient 0 showed it to Patient 1 who the next day when I was driving him and two other staff members to the cleanup for a Frontier showed it to me and then I infected, like, 100 campers within the next two months so I feel like I really deserve the title Patient 0 but technically I’m Patient 2.

I kind of really miss doing musical theater, like, theater on a stage type deal for an audience, I’m just way too busy now with math and physics things to consider that. But, yeah, theater, it’s great, it was a huge part of my childhood and then gay theater camp was the biggest influence on me during my formative years.

Hope that answers your questions!

The Vulnerability in Asking

*This post was inspired by Marsha Shandur of Yes, Yes Marsha! After attending True Stories (Told Live) Toronto! on Zoom this evening. There were some captivating storytellers who dug deep and inspired to write stories for this blog post.

I walked into the kitchen and found an empty Instant Carnation coffee tin.

“This will be perfect,” I thought.

I left the room with my tin in hand and walked into the office. I took a white piece of paper and cut a small rectangle from it. I took a pen out and wrote the words “Donations” on the outside of it. I taped the paper to the outside of the tin and smiled.

“This will be perfect.”

I was probably 7 or 8 at the time. I knew all of the neighbors in our neighborhood and visited with them throughout the week. I collected my tin and eagerly stepped out the door. I walked around the neighborhood and went door to door knocking. Neighbors would open the door, and I would hold out my donations tin. Knowing me, I probably had some sort of speech planned that enrolled the neighbors in why it would benefit them to donate to my cause. My cause is still foggy in my memory. Regardless, I had a cause and thought my neighbors could support it financially.

House by house, my tin begin to fill with more and more change. When my tin was full, I closed the plastic lid on the container and skipped back home. I was so excited! I had collected so much change. I couldn’t wait to show my Mom.

Now this is the part of the story, where I’m not totally clear on the exact details, so I’ll share what I remember as stored in my memory.

I ran home and opened the door and showed my Mom my tin full of coins. I was so excited that people had actually given me money! Rather than being excited for me and cheering me on, I saw a look of horror pour across my Mom’s face. Suddenly I got the notion that what I had done was not okay. It was not okay for me to Ask for money, especially money from neighbors.

I was immediately filled with shame.

“It’s not okay to Ask for money.” Got it. I stored that message deep in my mind.

Fast-forward to a few years later. My Great Aunt Mimi had just come to town for her annual visit. I loved when Mimi came. She would play with us, read to us, and buy us toys. Neither my Great Aunt Mimi nor Uncle Charlie ever married or had children of their own. They would treat my Mom and her sisters as their children. As such, they would often take care of certain financial needs. Thanks to Mimi and Charlie, I was able to get braces, get new school clothes, and receive money for various trips or school activities.

When Mimi arrived, I was beyond excited. I couldn’t wait to receive Licorice Nips hard candy, and of course receive new toys! I always had this view that Mimi and Charlie were rich. “Rich” to a child is often different from reality. I don’t know what their exact financial situation was, but in my eyes they were wealthy. As such, that meant they had money to spare. I remember going into Mimi’s room while she was visiting. She had asked me to get her wallet from her purse. For whatever reason, likely out of curiosity, I picked up Mimi’s wallet and opened it. My eyes grew big. I saw a lot of cash tucked away in the wallet. I pulled it out and began to count. I was amazed. Mimi carried a lot of cash with her. I put the cash back in and carried it off to find Mimi. When I handed her the wallet, I said, “Woh! You have XXX dollars in your wallet!” I don’t remember the exact amount, but I’m sure it was more cash that I had held before.

Once again, I was taken aback. Mimi got this look of being violated on her face which then turned into anger. In her thick Jersey accent, Mimi looked at me and exclaimed, “You went through my wallet?! Did I tell you that you could open my wallet? Why did you think it was okay to count my cash?”

I was mortified and filled with shame.

“What were you thinking?? You never go through someone’s wallet and ask about how much money they have.” Got it. I stored that message deep in my mind.

These are two stories that have shaped my view of money and asking.

Lesson #1: It’s not okay to Ask other people for money.

Lesson #2: It’s not okay to Ask others how much money they have, and by all means never count it!

Shame became my underlying theme for my relationship to Money.

I stored these memories deep in my psyche. It wasn’t until a few months ago that these memories resurfaced while in meditation. It was towards the end of my yearlong coaching program. As part of our Retreat Leader Certification, we had to submit various calls and videos. When I first looked at the criteria for the certification, I remembered seeing “Submit a Successful Sales Call”. My heart sank. “How in the world am I going to submit a successful sales call?” I thought. Fear immediately consumed me. I naturally pushed my sales call off week after week.

Consider what you resist most is actually what you’re meant to lean into.

In March, I attended my final in-studio yoga class right before Stay at Home orders began. It was my favorite Soulful Sunday class with my favorite yoga teacher, Dustin. Dustin likes to crank the heat up in class so we’re already sweating before we start moving. Dustin always pushes us to our limit and reminds us how powerful we are. In that particular class, he guided us into this really challenging heart opening pose. It was similar to Camel pose except one leg was hovering off the ground. Camel is challenging on its own, and having to hover our legs made it all the more challenging. It is also a “Fight or Flight” pose which opens your heart and tests your very limit. I got into the pose on the first side, and was consumed with anxiety.

“I’m going to die! I’m going to die!” I shouted in my head.

I got out of the pose on my right side and caught my breath. When we got to the pose on the other side, I allowed myself to try again. I got into the pose once again, and felt the rush, anxiety, and emotion consume me. I got out of the pose and collapsed face down onto my mat and began crying.

“You’re not going to die. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’re not going to die.” I thought in my head.

In that instance I realized, “This is what Asking feels like to me.”

Asking feels like I’m going to die.

I thought back on my life and recognized how not Asking or fearfully asking has impacted me. Asking is extremely vulnerable for me. And, at the core of Asking, is shame.

And it isn’t only with money. Asking for anything has hindered me. After making decisions as a child that “it’s not okay to ask for money”, I took this to heart. I decided that since it wasn’t okay to Ask, I would become self-sufficient and do everything on my own. I became a pro early on. I learned to take care of myself. If I needed money, I would earn it myself. When I started my period as a tween, I was too ashamed to ask my Mom or sisters for tampons, so I figured it out myself. When I wanted to do something and needed to ask permission, I would come up with some long story to enroll the other person in it. Even asking for simple things at my former job like, “Can I take a day off or go on vacation?”, was extremely difficult for me. I would add in humor to make the request seem less daunting. And let’s forget about asking for a raise. Luckily, I had a boss who would take a stand for me and ensure I got periodic raises. “Wooh, off the hook there.”

At the core of Asking, is the answer, “No.”

At least that was what I built in my head. If I asked for something, the answer would ultimately be No. So why ask? I learned to get clever at my leasing job. I would sell customers on my experience living at the apartment community, rather than asking them if they wanted to lease. So you can imagine what it was like when I decided to quit my job, go on my nomadic journey, and start my own business.

I would eventually have to confront my fear and shame around Asking.

Solo-traveling the world has supported me in learning to flex my muscle around Asking. However, it’s usually the last resort. I try every way to figure out the problem on my own before resorting to asking someone. The more I’ve enhanced my intuition and awareness, the better I’ve become moving through my discomfort around Asking.

So back to my Retreat Leader certification and having to submit a successful sales call. I was terrified. All of my anxiety and shame around Asking for money resurfaced. One of my coach’s support team members offered to do sales calls with us. I was excited because, I didn’t have to offer an invitation to potential clients. I had my call with Janet and felt a bit spacey, but pleased after the fact. I was proud of myself for showing up and taking on the challenge. When I got my score back, I saw that I failed the sales call portion. 3 out of 10. In the notes, my coach wrote: “I want you to spend one FULL DAY in which you cannot TELL anyone anything, you can only ask.”

Gulp.

I immediately broke into tears. Not only had I failed this portion and had to redo it, I now was challenged with only ASKING for a day?! Once again “Fight or Flight” took over, and I felt like I was going to die. Maybe this was my sign that this certification wasn’t for me. Who was I for thinking I could complete and pass this anyway? After a good 30-minute cry, I went downstairs and told my sister what happened. My sister who is oversees a division of the Introduction Leadership Program for Landmark Worldwide, validated my upset and asked me if she could share something with me. I said yes. She looked at me and said she has witnessed many people she’s coached up against a wall; a wall in which the person felt like they wouldn’t be able to break through.

The moment a person accepts a challenge and chooses to show up fully (with fear and all the emotions attached), is the moment that magic happens.

She told me this challenge alone could be the reason I was called to enroll in this coaching program in the first place.

I chose to accept my coach’s challenge and only ASK for a day. It was quite a challenge and practice! I constantly had to pause and be mindful about forming questions rather than telling anyone anything. I persevered and made it a whole 24 hours with only asking questions. I was super proud of myself for moving through my fear and resistance, accepting the challenge, and showing up fully for it. I do thrive off of challenges, after all.

In the end, I had a successful sales call (with my coach nonetheless) and passed my Retreat Leader Certification! I even got a sale from it! This challenge taught me to view Asking from a different lens.

When we ask questions, we’re taking the attention off of ourselves and allowing space for the other person to decide.

I share these stories as a way to connect my resistance around Asking, and to share the heavy interpretations about Money and Asking that I’ve carried with me. Asking for money, a sale, or offering my services is still a block for me. I am working through it, and want to acknowledge that it’s still present for me at times. I have a beautiful website. I have a beautiful offering of services that I truly believe will change the world one person at a time. I have created beautiful art through my photoshoots and writing. When you see me post about a new offering or service, know that I have to move through many barriers to allow these spirited offerings to be known.

I offer anyone else who struggles with Asking or has shame around money, to take heart. You are not alone. Allow yourself to acknowledge your discomfort, create a mantra or say some affirmations about your worthiness, and step out into the light. It may be scary. It may feel personal when no one responds, or someone says, “No.” Keep showing up. Believe in yourself and your offerings or desires, and trust that the right people will come. Ask for support from others when you’re feeling scared, stuck or full of shame.

Host a Girl’s Night Inward

In August, I am on a mission to impact 100 people by Asking for people to host a Girl’s Night Inward. Girl’s Night Inward is a fun and enchanting evening for your tribe to come together in safe space for individual oracle card readings. We live in a world where at the core of our being, we all want to be seen and heard. Girl’s Night Inward provides a safe space for you and your tribe to be seen and receive messages tailored to each specific person. Would you consider being a host and inviting your tribe for a unique, fun, and enchanting evening via zoom? Send me a message or if you know you’re ready to host, reserve your spot here.

Love Donation

If you’ve been enjoying my 30-day Blog Challenge, would you consider offering a Love Donation? I write and produce all of my content for free. While I enjoy writing as a self-expression, I would appreciate any financial support you wish to offer. Thank you.

RULES: Repost and answer the questions, then tag at least 3 of your followers :)

I was tagged by: @the-damnedest-creature​​ !! thank you!! //;;w;//

I’m not gonna tag that many peeps because I’m not solely a J-rock blog and not many people that follow me are solely J-rock blogs either I think hehe but um mebbe @romanesque-moon​​ and @severemagazinementality​​ idk ignore this if you don’t want to do it of course but we’re mutuals so yeh !! ;u; go for it if you feel like it, sorry for taggin out of the blue ///v// I have hardly any J-rock fan followers to be honest I think /;;   ;))/

anywaaaaaays ヽ・ω・*/ﾉ

1. When and how did you get into j-rock?

jokesss it was animu as usual ahahahaa I was already listening to J-pop at the time like Arashi and Yuki Kajiura I also liked Perfume by that point too, around.. 2012..? somewhere around there ;w; I was 13 years old.

I actually can't remember who my first J-rock band I ever heard was ;;u ; I listened to a lot of anime intros and found a couple of artists from there....   the first J-rock song I ever heard was probably SID's Monochrome no Kissu huhuhu but I didn't actually listen to SID after that.....  ting is is that I was painfully weeby at the time, the typically cringey child that would more listen to ... random american pop songs that I found on amvs, and all the classics like cascada's everytime we touch and the 'numa numa song' ,,...... //////v/// and I listened to a LOT of Vocaloid, all of it, I was obcessed, it’s literally all I would listen to for a year or so ﾉω`*)ﾉ  I also found a finnish rock band called Indica through an amv and even bought one of their albums ;u; my music taste was a crazy mix of stuff I'd just found on Youtube really... I loved The Midnight Beast (reppin from uk) and I still do, Lemon Demon too.... and I downloaded official soundtracks from anime like Pandora Hearts and D.Gray Man and listened to those as well. I was also a big fan of Yugioh the abridged series and would listen to yugioh song parodies LittleKuriboh made ;; u ;

Only a small part of my music library was J-rock and J-pop at the time... but I think the first band that caught my attention was Buck-Tick, after I watched the anime xxxHolic somewhere in 2012. Then after watching Shiki a little later I recognised the same voice and looked kuchizuke up and was jammin, and for some reason I watched an interview with Aachan before getting distracted by that one video that everyone has seen of T.M singing dress with him, and listening to ABS instead because I knew them from the theme song to D.Gray man ///u// it was only until summer 2013 until I really found out who Buck-Tick actually was, I listened to as many singles as I could find and I fell in love with them in less than 24 hours hehe ´｡• ᵕ •｡` I actually didn't like rock music at all before then, b-t were the group that introduced me to being a rock music fan even though I still didn't like heavier sounds, like Gazette that my friend was into. Sometime later that year I listened to L'arc en Ciel for the first time too, I think I read about them in a magazine or something.. I can't remember //w// ((I bought the 'stay away' single at may mcm in 2014, my first J-rock cd :3c)) I still listened to a lot of J-pop during 2013 and Arashi had begun to dominate my life, so I didn't really get properly into J-rock and visual kei until early 2014 when I started listening to ancafe, because I'd heard of them from cosplayers on deviantart who had them in their ID section under music interests, and then subsequently finding out they were touring in europe :3c I was more partial to oshare and lighter pop-punk things around that time.. early days was LM.C and Alice Nine and Royz after that....

Kind of a long and patchy story (wow it’s really long why did I write so much I’m so sorry it’s so boring) but there isn't necessarily an exact moment I started listening to J-rock... only in the last year or so have I let Vkei fully consume my life so... back then it was only a side interest for me among all the other things ˊ꒳ˋ  from 2014 onwards I just found more and more bands as well as listening to a lot of johnny's and J-pop stuffs... >w> and the rest is historyyyy

2. List your current most favorite band(s).

bakuchikuuuuu forever and ever every moment of my waking life alwaysss till I dieeee //w/// and Dog in the PWO >:3 two very contrasting groups to say the leest but I have a wide breadth of faves hehe ;;w; I fell in love with Doggu super quickly and have been following them ever since, I've known them for a year now and they are 100% in my top 5 favourite bands ever ;u ; dems are my two main faves as it is right now but there are too many others to list that I have a lot of feelings for /;;w;//

Currently I also like listening to Hakujitsu no Yume... Pentagon are my children.... Piglow in Gloomy are really amazing also ;w;;

3. How many j-rock concerts have you been to? (If you haven’t been to any, which band would you like to see the most in the future?)

not many becos I am a baby and I have never travelled out of my home country to raibus ;;v; my first ever was Ancafe in 2014, when I was a weeby mess, and most recently Versailles in January 2017 :3c inbetween I’ve seen VAMPS (and alexandros) at a shared live @ ‘Japan Night’ which was a lil concert organised by HyperJapan, a convention here in uk ..can I count bands that I’ve seen at Hyper too..? ;;w; I’ll just count Vaniru because they were aight while Yuto and Leoniel lasted as a couple heheh >w>> and I also went to SuG’s raibu in 2015~

so that makes 6 i guess.. I am a bebe ;;

//come on Merry where u at with this europe tour??//

there are so so so many bands I wanna see live, and I would go to a couple more lives in London here and there but I always get attached to groups that are very Japan-based and that are very unlikely to make any overseas appearances ;v; and I don’t wanna spend a lot of monies on bands that I don’t know as well that occasionally visit //3///

4. Which j-rock band do you think is the most underrated?

Daizystripper o´ω｀o   They used to be a more popular with western peeps but I think a lot of people stopped listening to them a while ago an might not even realise that they're still active and tings ;; v; their debut with Victor might make it a little difficult for international fans though eheh but I wish they still had the support they seemed to have~ so many good jams ;  u ;

And everyone from Planet Child Music records needs more recognition and to be invited to more events ///u//

5. Which j-rock band do you think is the most overrated?

If I had to I'd say Vamps hhhhuu I thought that they were v good up until recently ;;w; I dunno I feel like the couple of newer songs have lost their power and originality... and no matter what I'll always think L'arc are infinitely better but some people think not //vv/// Vamps are always over here and in other countries too, whereas L'arc I feel are neglected a lot with world tours and overseas promotion and stuff when they deserve more love than vamps ;3; I mean.. 25 years going strong //u/ why dis Hyde come back to uk without vamps this time hhhh

6. Who is your ultimate bias in j-rock? Optionally: Post your most favorite picture(s) of them.

ahhhhh .. Aachan got me from the start ;; ﾉﾉ*ФωФ ;;ﾉﾉ ﾉﾉ                            

7. What is your most treasured j-rock related memory?

Um.. not that much has happened to me personally that I can really mention hehe >w>

Hizaki calling me cute at Hyper's meet & greet last year was probably the best thing that's acc happened to me ;;;;w;;;;;; It was the end of the day and I looked like a wreck, Hizaki saw me as I came up for cheki and said 'kawaii~' ////w// best memory heckk I mean Hizaki---- being called cute by Hizaki ;;;;;u; why dis I do not deserve (and obvs taking cheki with him was part of that good memory too >w>)

An Cafe was my first live, and I'll always remember that my one of my favourite singles is 'My heart leaps for 'C'' and when they played it after the encore I went insane hehe ;;; u ; that was a treasured moment for me because it was kind of surreal like 'oh wow a band that I love is playing one of my favourite songs is this real??' and ... since I was an hyperactive 15 year-old that moment just made me really excited ;v; I was singing along (horribly) to every lyric and bouncing up and down like crazy and I would not let that feeling go for a while //w/ ah to be young again ~~

But SuG is probably the best raibu memory ever ever. they played a very very small venue in London and it was literally the most intimate thing imaginable, you could touch everyone and Takecchi almost hit his head a few times on the lights above him ;;u; and even though I was in like, three rows of people away from the front, Chiyu's hand grazed mine for a second and that was the most special moment ;;w; Shinpei leaned into the audience for a group hug and Yuji and Chiyu were high-fiving and ruffling people's hair ///;w;/ it was such a long farewell with everyone touching hands and patting heads and it felt so nice and close, I thought we were really lucky to get such an intimate show ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄  

8. How do you support and enjoy j-rock the most? Buying CDs? Going to lives? Just full on going to Japan for it?

I buy Cd's if I can for bando that I really love and want to support, and at lives I buy at least one peice of merch every time too :3c and I'm trying to get into a habit of buying Cure if bands I like are featured >u> I accidentally end up following e v e r y o n e on twitter and just scroll thru liking posts if that counts as 'support' ? :'3

9. How does your family feel about this hobby of yours?  

My parents don't really mind, I end up showing my mama photos and videos and she understands my hype at everyone I think hehe, and I play cd's often so my parents hear J-rock a lot but don't complain~ we all have our own music collections now it’s so cute 〃▽〃 I talk about J-rock a lot like, I just ramble on mostly to myself because I have no-one else to talk to in the house so ;;u; my parents don't really listen that closely but ye, they don't mind and they're glad I'm into something different I guess :'3c

10.What is the craziest j-rock fandom story that you have?

idk what j-rock 'fandom' story means exactly,,, like, you heard the story from the fandom or the story is about the actual fandom itself..? ;;w; well actually I guess this is both haha this is the only story that I have worth telling and I only heard it a couple weeks ago but ;//u.//

A friend of a friend has connections with Mejibray’s MiA, and he messages her and lots of other peeps I’d imagine as MiA prob does~ and on one occasion MiA was sent a cute little (I say little but) Intimate Image that the 1 and only Yohio took of his peen and decided to share it around so other people could enjoy it obvs >>>ww.>> and he sent it to said friend, nice one >;3ccc thank u for showing me too I feel very privileged, too many bants I was dying ahh ..//www//// why dis MiA why dis......... poor Yohio ;; v; u don’t need to send dick pics to impress your senpai, kids ;;  /////; poor little child ;u;;

---yyyyeee I’m so boring das literally all I have apart from the most mediocre things like being jealous of people that get to go to meet&greets and have fun encounters and peeps that actually manage to catch picks at lives etc //u..../// 

Thank you for reading ♡