i did resolve to stop throwing myself so many pity parties and to cultivate a practice of indifference towards my own life so that i could one day truly feel indifferent but i don’t :( and it’s silly and self indulgent but i do want somebody to feel bad for me. i don’t want advice, i don’t want encouragement or positive thinking, i don’t want motivation. i just want someone to take seriously the conclusions i’ve come to even though they may sound ridiculous - i understand they do! trust me i do! they are so ridiculous i don’t fully believe them even though i need to! - and i want someone to take seriously at least how depressed it makes me and i do want them to say and express. poor you. i don’t have a lot that makes me sympathetic or unique, but it hurts enough that i just need a little pity…..and it’s so rude of me to… when people are being nice to me and trying to ensure like, no these conclusions aren’t true! life is long! the future is open! if you want these things you’ll get them. because it’s nice and i feel, genuine. i used to be optimistic like that. and i’m not someone who really suffers, but plenty of people suffered their whole lives and died. plenty of people have been lonely their whole lives and then they just died. plenty of people have been depressed their whole lives and then they just died. and from my vantage point what i can realistically hope for is that my end is sooner rather than later. but this is a depressing thing to say and something no one wants to hear. and certainly no one will be like, i agree and i hope your life is short and your end near. and i’m not saying i want someone to tell me this. but i don’t want to hear about how these things will come and how it’s just a matter of time or if i want something i can have it or how it’s okay to be down sometimes. i don’t believe you. and it’s not a comfort. and i feel bad that it isn’t. but i’ve been delusional and i don’t like it. i don’t like chasing after delusions. i don’t like being hurt. and i know that’s life and blah blah blah but i do feel it should not all be this hard. it’s just not worth it. i feel, narcissistically, that on some level my decision to let go of delusional optimism and try and accept my fate is kind of noble. lol. at the very least it’s very difficult. and some, encouragement is not the word but like. literally just some pity would go so far. like yes. poor me. but i’m coping with it. but that’s too much to ask!

i think i may hate instagram the most out of all the social medias i use its so fucking boring i cant stay on there for more than 5 minutes. thats probably a good thing but like if it wasnt for it being the most reliable for following irl friends (and a lot of visual artists i like) i would never use that fucking app it puts me to sleep

someone will go on about how horrible their experience with the public education system is. that it ruined their teenage mental health, didn't teach them shit, taught them to put all their worth in academic success, suffered bullying and self-esteem issues, etc.

but bring up home schooling and they're instantly like "bUt wHaT aBOuT soCiaLiZInG??"

as if the miserable experience of eight hour school days they just described is the only means (or superior form) of socialization for kids.

A story idea (I can’t write so take it plz) Cady and Regina graduate high school and go to Barden University.

Please picture me gently hugging you as I say this: no ❤️

i think we as well as htf itself often pair cuddles and toothy together as bffs and i think the longer the show goes it leans into it more but honestly i think the more underrated friend duo for cuddles is flaky

Hi, I'm sorry if this has already been asked, but I'm fascinated with your character Minerva and was wondering why she didn't betray Jowan to Irving?

ah good question thank u for it!!

minerva is a pragmatist about the circle. she's very aware that a certain number of mages die or are made tranquil and she's in the mindset, at that point in her life, where she's been taught to accept this as a necessary evil. which actually ends up meaning she knows more than anyone that if this is true irving will go ahead with it. she has a very realistic idea of who irving is and what he does. but it's been easier to conceptualise all those losses as um a statistic than it is to face the immediate threat to the person closest to her. especially when her way of dealing with it all has been to say that mages who die or are made tranquil didn't try hard enough, didn't study hard enough, didn't fight hard enough on their harrowings. she rationalises it that way because it means if she just tries hard enough and is polite and gifted and perfect as she always is then nothing's going to happen to her. but she knows how hard jowan tries. so it isn't right. it isn't fair!

the other thing is that in my canon, my amell, halliserre amell, was made tranquil a few months before dao starts. minerva had a bit of a fiery relationship with them (i'd like to summarise it as fierce academic rivals with benefits, jhghsfdgsk) and their tranquillity was a huge and sudden recent shock. that definitely affects minerva's decision-making here. though she tries to rationalise by blaming halliserre themself in that case (halliserre chose to submit to tranquillity rather than undergo the harrowing), she knows deep down there's more to it than that. it's a complicated and painful topic to come up again so soon, it makes her just that bit angrier with the templars and irving, and it makes the danger feel very real

but all of that is kind of blurring the main issue which is that jowan is like minerva's brother and she loves him. the above factors are kind of what allows her to actually do something about that, but the motivation is simply that she cares about jowan, he's her closest friend and the only person more important to her than irving, and she very much thinks it's her job to protect him. she's more skilled than he is, more socially capable than he is; it is and always has been her role to protect him from the templars, even if it that only meant helping him with his studies or calling in favours with senior enchanters. being able to do all that is what has made her feel comfortable with how much she's betrayed herself to be the ideal circle student in the first place. it proves keeping your head down to get influence works, that it's not just selfish, that in the long run it means mages are better off. so if she can't even protect him, then what's the point of it all? it's probably worth noting, too, that minerva's fatal flaw is arrogance: if she's always been able to look after jowan before, what's one more time?

i actually have this really fun um super rough dialogue snippet somewhere in my word doc from when she was little, um, talking to karl thekla actually. and she's being disapproving of anders while hes like benafflecksmoking.jpeg because that's the whole dynamic lmao. she's like, why would you spend time with someone like that, he's an escape artist, the templars hate him, he's not going to make it! (this last said in a kid's deadly serious tone where she expects it to be heard as a totally damning accusation.) and karl is like [in the voice of a very tired young academic] minerva what would you say if i told you, i don't know, your friend jowan wasnt going to make it. and she totally freaks out. shes like thats a lie, dont ever say that, hes trying with the spells, hes going to get it! she's only a kid she's nearly in tears over this immediately even though karl's the furthest thing from a threat and he barely meant anything by it. it's always been the one thing that makes her lose her head. she cares so much about keeping up this perfect image except this one thing, right, she's got this perceived weaker nobody mage trailing after her. she's supposed to be able to keep this one person safe and that will make it all worthwhile. and what she has to learn is that even for all her sacrifices and good behaviour, the circle simply does not care. there's nothing it won't take

imagine having an author of much beloved works, who turned said works into successful pieces of media, here on tumblr/social media and all people can think of is send their threats against said person worded in a funny way to mask their entitlement…

.. you’ve loved their work for years, so have faith in them - they will deliver! we know they will.. they already have in the past, the fact that there’s a bit of pain and angst along the way as the characters grow in order to end up where we want them to doesn’t entitle you to sending unhinged messages to said author/creator

the fact that said person is kind enough to engage with you isn’t an invitation to do more of it in the future

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

I've really actively been working on myself for the past ten years, only to realize the way I was trying to be, just ain't for me.

I've gotten rid of my social anxiety, I've learned how to do small talk and be really good at it, I've learned how to be in groups and how to communicate, I've learned how to connect with others, step out of my comfort zone and get rid of my fear of trying new things.

And now I'm like huh... I'm actually happiest at home in my comfort zone. Its not that I can't do all the things I could never so anymore, but I don't really want to? Its kinda peaceful.

Swear to god I don't know why I ever try to bring anything up with that woman it's never a good idea but every time I'm like "what if this time I'm not immediately told I'm wrong". Call me either an optimist or a fool

.

can people please stop turning furry worlds into fantastical racism/making up furry stereotypes. i do not want to read 'all cats are troublemakers. all bears are police. all rabbits are caregivers.' like, peoples features and bodies do not signify anything about personality, morality, political stance, etc. and the bioessentialism inherent to that concept absolutely reeks. this is not a politically neutral thing jsjfbvj

nyssa expresses my affectionate side as it would exist if I was not a human person bound and shaped by the social mores of the culture I was born into

were it not for the laws of my brain as dictated by the social boundaries of this land I would be climbing into your lap like a friendly cat

This is an actual conversation, reproduced nearly verbatim, between me and a friend recently:

"Look, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people outside my family who I feel comfortable going up to and talking to!"

*friend counts, getting to both hands* "No but you're forgetting some. Me, [the boy's sister], my parents-"

*stops her* "I think you're misunderstanding me. I said comfortable. Like sure there are the ones who I can feel comfortable talking to, but not going up to."

"So who's on your list?"

"You, [the boy's sister], [his younger brother], [the boy himself]. That's it."

*friend is, apparently, shocked into silence*

.

The Last of Us: Here, have a great romantic and heart breaking storyline.

People: But I wanted the teenage girl to find a gay porn magazine and joke about it 😠