I wish I could relate to general trans culture, but I don't. I never had to deal with the overwhelming internalized transphobia by transmedicalists. I haven't dealt with being demonized because of my birth gender, instead of the general misogyny that's not necessarily to do with being trans, or about being socialized as one's agab. I never had to deal with overwhelming dysphoria to the point I need medical transition.

At best, if I called myself trans, I'd probably be called by a "transtrender" back 5 years ago. But I didn't identify as trans or nonbinary 5 years ago.

I still have to deal with transphobia, weird misgendering, terf bullshit, etc. But not to the same amount as other people, as I am heavily closeted and still gender express as feminine.

But I am multigender, I will never have a normal trans experience, and it kinda makes me feel alienated from the trans community. I don't identify as trans, but as nonbinary, because I feel like I'm not allowed to exist in that community. I still somewhat identify with my agab, I am still multigender.

I align with more, funky silly gender, playing with gender, performing unique gender. And that's the place I feel like I belong. I don't really belong with binary trans people and that's sad. Unfortunately, I will be seen as cis by some transmedicalist or very binary trans people.

So like, when I talk about trans issues, know that I don't feel welcome necessarily, but I will support innocent people's opinions. Like, I believe in transandrophobia, because I've enacted some of it, when I was younger. I think transfems deserve respect as well. But I don't belong in the transmasc and transfem binary. I don't belong in either category, and I feel alienated from it. Even if part of me is technically transmasc, my male alters don't necessarily identify with the body regardless of what I do.

So like. I am surely affected by transphobia too, but its strange for me. I feel more cis than binary trans people and feel more trans than cis people. And it's a strange dichotomy. Maybe one day all of us with unique, conflicting or controversial genders will find a place to belong. I deserve to be a man in a skirt sometimes, I deserve to be a pretty girl, I deserve to be an eboy, I deserve to be a man with long hair, I deserve to be a sapphic princess. And I deserve to exist outside of the binary, whether I'm a faerie or a dragon or a crow, or some type of magical creature, with no concept or regard to gender, whether I am an alien where they're all the same. I deserve to freely express that, even if people still see me as non-passing. I will never pass.

I will never be what the trans or cis community had in mind. But I will always be nonbinary. And that's the place I belong.

One day I will learn, that just because the bottle is low, does not mean I need to finish off the bottle.

People really be like “uwu look at these quirky trans people born in the wrong bodies owo what a quirky lifestyle lol” like no bitch im in so much pain rn that i cant fucking get out of bed and my spine is so fucked up from slouching in order to cope with the dysphoria and ive been binding so much that its causing severe chest and stomach pains and I STILL KEEP DOING IT BECAUSE ITS GENUINELY BETTER THAN THE ALTERNATIVE

“Being born in the wrong body” is a fucking dehibilitating condition and i desperately need medical treatment for it.

I would never defend them - at least not the ones who actually harass people - but I do wonder if there's some antis out there who genuinely come from good intentions.

Super serious and genuinely shameful confession: I'm an ex-radfem. I went into those circles in the first place bc I liked some of Dworkin's works. And while I obviously do not recommend anyone ever get into radical feminism, I will say this: If haven’t been down that very specific rabbit hole of ideology yourself - especially in online settings - you cannot even begin to imagine how fucking INSANELY pervasive the ideas are. Even if you've been a victim of radfem hate, if you haven't been a radfem yourself, I'm truly inclined to think you have no idea what those spaces are actually like. Sorta like how if you've been a victim of fundie hate, that is awful and it fucking sucks, but if you haven't been raised fundie yourself, you really don't know what it's like to be IN those circles, just a VICTIM of those circles.

I hate to throw around words like “hivemind” or “groupthink” but it is that. I went into radfem spaces thinking that I was above believing certain things that they believed but I clearly wasnt, it is so fucking toxic and that’s why i’ll never believe that “TIRF” (trans inclusionary radfem - something I tried and failed to be) can be a real thing. And then these same people have the audacity to call trans rights a cult, but you know, it's whatever.

Obviously terfs are more serious in the "real world" than antis are, but there are some parallels in the way that both groups feel about kink/porn discourse. (No, I'm not saying that antis "believe TERF ideology" or anything, but I do think in the specific context of sex stuff, there ARE alot of parallels.)

I am not defending radfems either, but I will say that I got into it because I was genuinely worried about things such as: PH and how they just steal content from sex workers, the abuse going on in the sex work industry, the phenomenon of young girls who are waiting to turn 18 so they can start an OF account, romance novels that were not marketed as dark but should've been considering they straight up romanticized abuse and rape.

I really do think that most antis are of a similar mindset -- people, typically young traumatized people (not trying to pull the neurodivergent minor card, it's just that statistically speaking, that label CAN describe most antis) who are truly worried that, like, idk, some young girl is gonna watch Twilight or read Reylo fic and think that an overly possessive bf is #goals. Again, I'm NOT trying to defend this ideology or line of thinking at all, I'm just saying that i DO think most of them really don't realize the harm that they're doing, and actually think they're doing good.

I actually kinda feel bad for them, but like my earlier comparisons, I feel bad for them in the same way I feel bad for fundies or evangelicals. I feel bad that they hold such an awful ideology while thinking they're doing good things, but I stop feeling bad once they start ACTUALLY hurting people and I'll always feel worse for the people who they harass and harm.

And like I'd never want to be a radfem again and I hate that I was one once but, between myself and your ~10k (ballpark estimate lol) followers, I think that my time spend in that belief system gave me some really good insight to cult mindsets, which was something I didn't understand before or have much sympathy towards, and I've emerged with a lot of empathy for people who ARE stuck in bad ideologies. I could've been born into a hate group. I could've been preyed on by alt-right people and sucked in that way. Instead, it was reading radblr during quarantine that got me. Before I fell into it, I just mindlessly hated everyone in that group, and now I just feel sorry for them (still without justifying any of their actions).

It's honestly a really, really, complicated thing to try to grapple with. Anyone, yes including you reading this, can be brainwashed into hate. The second you think you're too good for that, you've lost.

This was more of a vent than a discourse ask. I guess my tl;dr is: I hate antis, terfs, fundamentalists, etc, as much as the next guy, but I also recognize that some of those people truly truly do think they're on the right side of history, and some of those people have been sucked into an ideology they never would've believed otherwise if not for xyz factors. While hate groups will never deserve pity, there are some vulnerable people in hate groups who for some reason believe they're doing good, and I wish I could help all of those people.

--

Yeah, I assume many antis are perfectly sincere in their desire to protect people. They're just wrong about what will work.

a reflection on 2023 and trans shit!

its 30 minutes before the new year and ive just been kinda reminiscing about this year. it was hard and one of the biggest things i felt through this year was just wanting to be cis so badly. i have to at some point realize ill never be cis and thats ok.

but i also have to think about it a bit more deeply. do i want to be cis because i want to be born a cis man, or do i want to just be treated like a human and be allowed to be myself?

lets be real the reason a lot of us desire to be cis is not truly because of dysphoria dont get me wrong thats gonna be huge for some people but its from the mistreatment. if the world celebrated trans identity and allowed us to transition when we want to, and didnt want to deny us simple things like going to the bathroom, would we feel as bad?

i think about this a lot. if i was cis would it solve my problems? no. if i was cis there would be the rest of the trans community being discriminated against. what i really want is for us all to be accepted for who we are. we mainly just wanna be cis because the world is so cis that its not normal to people. we just wanna conform to be real

if i was cis it wouldnt solve the issues that all the other trans folk have to deal with. it would help me because being cis is the norm. but thats it. today, im feeling a little proud to be trans. if i wasnt trans i wouldnt care for this cause nearly as much and have met the people ive met. i think id rather keep those experiences than be cis and not have those experiences. theyre special.

i wanna leave this with a quote that really resonated with me this year

"Do you share the same sense of defeat?

Have you realized all the things you'll never be?

I've got no judgment for you

Come on and ache with me" - ache with me, white crosses, against me!

im all for percy jackson genderswaps or trans woman percy but i keep seeing the name chosen for her being persephone and i Get it, its close enough to percy and fits well with their last name, but i genuinely do not see a world where trans fem percy picks the name of the step mom of their friend who literally almost got them killed

and i dont see a world where if percy Was born a girl, that poseidon would encourage or approve of that naming choice just because it doesnt involve him or make any sense

i guess there arent a lot of options for greek myth names of women that havent in some way Not Been Super Great ™ to percy or he wasnt super great to, but just because persephone fits it just doesnt add any weight to his/her character or make sense that she would choose it

again, the idea isnt stupid or bad and im glad people like it and i really enjoy the idea of trans percy! i usually like imaging some male leads as trans men, but i really like seeing the trans woman idea too! its rare i see it usually unless its a female character whos headcannoned as trans, you dont really see a lot of characters imagined transitioning After or During their stories

i just am mostly curious if there were other options for a feminine name for percy, since persephone is the only one ive seen

so the neilman dragging in your asks a couple weeks ago, where you mention him getting pissy that some 90s feminists didn't see trans women as women, reminded me of one deeply deeply weird short story he wrote in the 90s called 'changes' in which a man called rajit (a man he needs to point out is gay and only has sex with male prostitutes cause he's such a fucking genius he can't have a social life, and whose penis neil describes as 'nutlike') comes up with a cure for cancer that reboots your genetic code, except a side effect is you change sex. whoopsie! some parts are a bit funny (mostly side comments about how inaccurate the biopics on the guy are) but a lot of it is just weird, fetishy, and transhumanist, but also weirdly prescient for current day gender politics, although probably not in the way neil thought. the first person rajit experiments on is a woman who ends up dying of pneumonia anyway. neil goes on to describe the social changes this causes society wide in detail, especially from religious groups and recreational users, but never ONCE mentions what feminist groups have to say about it, what effect this has on women or violence against women, cause this dood never even thought about it. there's a scene where a male takes the drug to change sex to go with an outfit, masturbates with his dick, passes out, wakes up with a vagina and those kind of triangle boobs girls get when they first grow boobs (and how does neil, a man, know this?), and then uses his pussyjuice as perfume. there is almost nothing about the benefits for trans people, how it's a life-saver the best thing to ever happen to them, other than a passing mention of how it makes trans surgeries obsolete. like it's clearly being abused as a fetish drug people take. there are mentions of boys being forced to take it so they'll make more money being sex trafficked, men who can't prove they weren't born women are imprisoned and raped in arab countries. taking the drug halts the aging process for some, giving the appearance of long youth. a woman who can easily tell natal sex acts as a bouncer for a club that only lets in those who haven't rebooted their sex, and is violently beaten up because of it and she learns her lesson and never does it again. rajit eventually dies of prostate cancer rather than take his own drug, hallucinating on the beach, blood dripping from his penis, thinking all these androgynous beings on his drug are angels. it is one of the weirdest things hes ever written.

i literally have no idea what to say about this. i had to look this up just to make sure i wasnt being fucked with. and people hail this guy as some sort of god of literature? jesus fucking christ

So it all started when I was born

That's a lie actually this story's beginning predates my birth

So it all started when the one the matters most dark only know as "The Cheese Mab" but a lesser man may know as """Hyness""" fucked up really bad and god gave birth to millions of children. Millions of little ourple hearts everywhere. And one of those was me. But I wasn't ME yet. I was just another fragment of the god the cheese mab called "Void Termina."

I stuck myself in some Meta Knight guy, and made him start hurting people for fun. Something about his dark impulses idk. Kirby and three other guys beat the shit out of me/him, and I was like "What the fuck" and left Meta Knight's body, but I was like "Yo that MK guy was pretty cool" so I decided to cosplay as him for the rest of eternity, and went to Another Dimension and became Parallel Meta Knight

This is how I discovered Meta Knight is trans and I had copied his biological body, so I had to also transition making me also trans. This is also how I discovered Meta Knight has a face that makes me feel dysphoric so I got a mask just like his to cover it

So I was chilling in Another Dimension with this cool spear I found until four assholes threw green bombs at me until my mask broke. So I was like, "who the fuck were those guys" and decided to head down to Parallel McDonalds to relax and grab a bite so I could recover and plot my revenge, and that's when I saw this absolute hunk of a man telling the cashier how four guys threw green bombs at him. The cashier was like "please just order something" but I realized he must have been pestered by the same four guys so we started talking and eventually we went back to his house and plotted our revenge and partook in only the most sfw of acts.

A few weeks later we met a cloud and a tree who, get this, were attacked by the same four guys. We declared ourselves the Otherworldy Four Kings and vowed to take our revenge. We never talked to the tree again

He keeps calling me but I don't answer

So then I found an icy mountain with my face on it, and a big mechanical fortress carved into it. I decided to call it Mt Halberd for no reason in particular and me and my new boyfriend took apart his castle brick by brick to relocate it to Mt Halberd with the help of his Various Guys

Some redheaded bitch named Parallel Susie showed up and tried to buy Mt Halberd off me, and tried to find a bunch of legal loopholes to claim ownership of Mt Halberd, but Another Dimension has no government, so her legal loopholes were meaningless.

Around this time we started hanging out with Parallel Nightmare and Parallel Magolor, except Parallel Susie was friends with those two and also Parallel Nightmare is like... homophobic??? But it's fun to make fun of him so I allow his presence. We decided we needed a name, the coolest of names, so we became... The Trollslayers

But not 2 weeks after this went by until some green guy (unrelated to the green bomb throwing guys) took over the entire dimesnion and said my house was his house. He made us his evil minions and I got really into it and stole candy from babies

But then a red guy who looks just like the green guy showed up and said the green guy wanted to end the universe and I was like "oh shit I did not know that" So we helped the red guy kill the green guy and also a penguin guy apparently unrelated to my boyfriend named King D-Mind

So some time after this I got married to my wonderful boyfriend and life was good, but for no reason in particular, I went to asia where I decided to blow up a whole mountain with Parallel Meta Bombs (because it wasnt as cool as Mt Halberd) but then I discovered super celebrity Morbius was there fighting an evil robot doppelganger

So Morbius and I teamed up but he was a pussy so I had to defeat Metal Morbius by myself. I'm the one who saved the day. This is canon.

I started following the red guy from before and I learned his name was Null Blade. I hosted a tournament around where he hangs out so I could flex on everyone and prove I'm the strongest, but his ass pulled out an ULTRA SWORD and one shotted me. What an asshole!

Then I went to The Cheese Mab's house to steal his stuff because I heard he'd gone MIA and everyone was crashing at his giant space station house, when I heard someone say they wanted a REAL challenge. There was some guy who looks like Null Blade but was orange and had fire, and he was like "No one can beat me" so I beat him and called him a pussy who has never trained in his life. Then the world ended but got better

I met a green and pink guy who looks just like me named Phantom Meta Knight who likes blood and murder and violence and I said we're brothers and he was like "sure." We don't talk much but we get along all right.

Then, get this, the Grand Doomer hired me to be a torture monster for his secret scary monster room, because Red Sphere Doomer was simping for Sectonia, so I tortured him by explaining the plot of Morbius (not unlike what I did just now) and he decided to stop simping

Then I killed him and he became a ghost (but he got better)

I was chilling with the Sphere Doomers because they were fun to hang out with, when WARIO appeared and tried to kill us, and I was doing a good job fighting him, and Null Blade TOTALLY didn't show up and beat Wario with his op Ultra Sword. Anyway turns out Wario swallowed the Master Crown and it was controlling him but we made him cough it up and he destroyed it

Then the Grand Doomer invited Null and I to go to hell with him.

So we went to hell and there was a squid guy who stole the Grand Doomer's power but the Null and I beat him. Null turned into a red blood mist cloud and used the iron in his blood to make knives to attack the squid guy and he told me how to use the Forbidden Heart Spear Move. It's supposed to take four guys to use but I can split into four so I am four guys, so I seal him inside a Jamba Heart and defeat him. But I will admit Null helped. And the Grand Doomer helped but he didn't do anything particularly noteworthy aside from fight

After that the Grand Doomer decided to sleep for 1000 years and left me in charge of the Sphere Doomers but they all hate me and don't listen to me so I left them to do their own thing. But legally I am their boss

Did I mention I met and befriended Fecto Elfilis some time after Grand hired me, well I am now

So they (Elfilis) decided to host a tournament to determine who the STRONGEST META KNIGHT IS and got every Meta Knight from all the dimensions to partake, even guys I've never seen like Morpho Knight and... Brawl Meta Knight? (what's a Brawl?)

Galacta Knight was also there but I can take him (before you ask "in a fight right" the answer is both yes and i can take him in the other way you are thinking of)

So I won the tournament (I PROMISE IM NOT LYING I ACTUALLY WON ASK ELFILIS) and Efilis decided they wanted to fight me too and challenged me as a surprise final round, but I kicked their ass. Having beat both Galacta Knight and Fecto Elfilis, I took their titles as my own. I am the Strongest Warrior In The Galaxy and the Ultimate Lifeform

One of Null's friends hired me to find a person they wanna fight I think but I haven't found them yet (because I'm lazy)

Dr Eggman appeared with his Death Egg to conquer Another Dimension, but The Trollslayers teamed up to defeat him, and I claimed the Death Egg as my own and renamed it the Parallel Meta Egg, but I don't REALLY know how it works, so I begrudgingly gave Parallel Susie joint ownership as long as I can put my face on it and keep the name. We've kind of chilled out ever since then but I still do not like her very much. I just wont go at her unless she goes at me first.

Then I helped my pal Morbius fight Syn Shenron and Dame Da Ne Guy and Kyogre Groudon and Rayquaza were involved and it was a mess

Currently Elfilis is looking for me because they want a rematch, but when I heard that I started hiding to perfect my Secret Weapon to fight them with, because I suspect they have a reason to believe they think they can beat me this time. If they get to have some secret upper hand so do I

If any of you see them, tell them you don't know where I am

Attempt 2 at writing this lol bc the first one got deleted by accident

I wanted to add my experience to that last post I rbed, bc it resonated with me, particularly the first part where men will call eachother 'girl' or 'feminine' as an insult(this is the only part im commenting on as i am not a transwoman so i have no input on that part of the post. )

I have pcos. I always have. I have a very strong masculine face/jawline. I always have. Ive always had a deep voice, as someone who was born a girl and identifies(at least in part) as a girl. I want this to be known bc its context lol

Guys are not the only ones who misgender as an insult, or to dehumanize others. Girls do it too.

When i was in elementary school i didnt have female friends bc all of them would laugh at me and say they didn't want to be friends with an 'ugly boy'

When i would go to the bathroom in-between classes, other girls would push me out, or yank me out physically and say that 'ugly boys' are not allowed in the girls bathroom.

My mom always made me have short hair, and she always made me wear jeans(and boy shirts bc they are more durable than girl clothes. This part was. Okay. I guess. I liked pokemon and ben 10 so my little brain didnt understand.) I was not allowed to have long hair and i was not allowed to wear dresses or skirts(ever since i was little ive wanted to wear only dresses but i was not allowed to...)

I talked like a baby(high pitched voice) for a good part of my childhood bc i knew that my voice was ugly and deep. When i started to go to speech therapy, i started speaking ""normally"" and my voice got so deep... i remember one of the last times i used my baby voice it was with a teacher and another student, and the student said "hey teacher, listen to (deadname?)'s REAL voice, she sounds just like a boy!"

That was a defining moment in my life.

In middle school, when i still wasnt allowed to have long hair and dresses, girls in my health class would look at me and laugh and whisper about how im actually a boy, and that i shouldnt be there. My face started changing too, my jaw got stronger... my voice got deeper.

I think in highschool people were too focused on other things to really bother me too much, plus people *generally* by that time knew me as a sweet and quiet person, not to mention i was the 'art kid' so that gained me some friends lol, also by highschool i was allowed to grow my hair out, down to my butt almost! And i was allowed to wear dresses and skirts and leggings(mostly leggings at that time bc i was still super skinny lol)

After highschool i had a crisis and shaved my head and tried out being a guy(ftm) but it was, personally, an identity crisis. I didnt know who i was, i had been abused, emotionally and sexually, all through high school by a guy i thought was my friend(i wish i had left sooner...) so i was struggling with what was 'me' plus i thought to myself 'everyone calls me a guy anyway so fuck it' but it gave me advanced dysphoria to be a guy :/

My hair is long now. Past my butt, i can sit on it. I only, exclusively, wear skirts and dresses. I wear a skirt to work bc i begged them to let me(i have autism and pants are a sensory nightmare but also i hate the way i look in them also i will look more like a guy)

Do you know how often i get misgendered? Admittedly not often, but it still happens. Usually its kids, but sometimes i get people calling me 'sir'. I want to scoff and be like 'how can they mistake someone with long braided pigtails and a dress for being a man' and then i remember my childhood.

Also im not writing this to detract from trans experiences, im writing my own experience as a woman-thing with pcos(if you dont know, it basically means that the cysts on my reproductive organs cause me to produce extra testosterone and not enough estrogen) who has frequently been misgendered by other girls

I want to clarify that im also only responding to the first part of the post, im not trying to say my experiences are in some way comparative to trans experiences!

Terfs do NOT touch this post ill shoot you on sight!!!!! Pew pew!!!

no but i think you dont understand my trans jamie tartt vision So basically he always knew he was a boy and made sure everyone else treated him as such from a very young age (im thinking around 5-7 but maybe even from kindergarten), his mom was great abt it and always called him what he wanted and got him on puberty blockers etc a girl can dream. his dad on the other hand, NEVER KNEW bc he 1) wasnt around when jamie was little and as we know, only came back when he heard his son was good at soccer 2) doesnt remember/didnt care enough to remember that his child was born a supposedly girl. so thankfully james sr doesnt know abt the whole transgender situation 👍 and jamie or his mom definitely arent abt to tell him lol but to be honest the thing is. jamies been a guy his whole life, and like obviously he knows in the back of his mind that most people are not trans but to him its like. not even a thing. like theres not really many ppl who know except for him his mom & keeley (they were t4t) but if it doesnt come up he just doesnt remember abt it. and even then he kinda assumes no one cares. its like telling ppl "yeah i had braces as a kid" like who give a shit. and im not saying there wasnt a time in his mid-late teens where he consciously hid it and was scared that someone wld find out but yeah after some point it was just like. loll im literally britain's favoritest specialest boy. and hes also bisexual but thats another story

Random Metalocalypse headcanons

Nathan: I think hes bisexual (but hides it), is deeply emotional, likes and is kind to children but doesnt want any of his own (hopes someone else will have kids he can dote on), the only instrument he plays is piano (but not super well), is straight up the only one here who is actually A Goth, is deeply deeply insecure, has accidentally become a 'can only solve problems with threats' type due to that being how he dealt with bullying. Also he has ALWAYS had vaguelly prophetic dreams since childhood, but cant tell them apart from regular ones and cant always tell if they are good or bad, so he only sometimes does what they say

Skwisgaar: i made a long post about this previously but he has complete dylexia and due to his intense anxiety and his moms general belittling of mistakes he actually is WAY worse at english than it seems like he is and he sort of just muddles through and pretends. His english is much worse when hes thinking about it, which the others noticed, which is why they rarely correct anything he says because hell go silent for 3 days. Also hes bisexual (openly before being in Dethklok) and yes he IS some kind of god child but he probably WASNT appointed for the soul purpose of making babies Toki: not stupid! not 'mind of a child'. Just immature. I headcanon that he was not of-age when he joined Dethklok and someone in Dethklok (i havent decided who is funniest yet) had to legally adopt him to keep him in the country and they kinda forgot. He only hit 21 in season 1 and while he HAD been drinking before that he really started going overboard after it got easier. Also, skwisgaar taught him english (hence same pluralization quirk) but hes now much better at it. Despite his comments about 'superior scandinavian education' he didnt actually go to school and didnt learn to read or write until he was older, but hes very good with computer codes and math. ALSO his parents arent his real parents, he was thought to be a demon child born to a member of the flock with no husband and was adopted to be 'fixed' but ended up just goign towards demonic things since he thinks hes a demon. Is it true? idk. Murderface: Gay but also in-universe many many many many people are attracted to him. Hot people. Movie stars. gay men especially. Refuses to admit hes gay because it feels like 'giving in' to a thing that everyones always said about him. He grew up in Tomahawk with pickles but doesnt have the accent because he took after his grandparents. PIckles mom refuses to admit she knows murderface. ALSO that 'murderface expert' guy is making up at least half of that. he does bath he just has like skin problems and is too impatient to deal with them and too anxious about being made fun of to go to the doctor about minor issues like athletes foot. Hes in a secret highly emotional online relationship with a guy hes only seen in person once because of insecurity reasons

Pickles: trans or cis depending on my mood at the moment ;p Bisexual and knows it but doesnt knwo the word for it. A lot of health problems hes been diagnosed with but he always forgets about. Wears contacts (or just chooses to be blind some days). He is NOT Mollys son, actually, hes Calverts from a mistress which is why his mom hates him so much (also why his dad said he belonged in a 'garbage can', hes referencing that he wishes pickles mom had an abortion). yes of COURSE hes in love with nathan, he just like assumes its not possible and 99% of the time is okay with that. Ofdenson: for some reason i had a misunderstanding for many years that he had ALWAYS been part of the church of the black klok and so even now that i know its not true, i still prefer it. To me, this is why he is so fucking negligent-- in some way the klokateers and audiences must be a blood sacrifice for the apocalypse (or potentially to stave it off? unclear). Additionally he is largely responsible for the entire 'look' of the enterprise. I simply dont believe that half the shit in mordland were ever seen by dethklok or could even possibly have been conceived of by them, let alone asked for. My headcanon is he is the one that started the entire 'branding of the gears' thing and is responsible for the brainwashing (this i think has canon support at least)

dysphoria rambling vent thing.. cw for mentions of gender dysphoria, transphobia, sex organs, all the stuff related to that end bit is aimed at ppl at my school, just to clarify incase it might've been confusing

i almost cried over the fact that i'll never truly be male, i'll never truly know what its like to be male. i have terrible dysphoria.. pretty much everything about myself makes me feel like shit, i get dysphoric about my secondary sex characteristics, the way my face looks, my hands, my voice, the way my body is built, my height, the way i think, my mannerisms, my humor, the people i surround with (particularly IRL), my own emotions, the way i talk.. all that shit. i try not to think about it but its really hard to NOT think about it. i mean ffs im getting dysphoric over my EMOTIONS, i refuse to let myself cry for that reason (especially infront of other but usually because i got scolded for crying by my parents- i've eventually ended up started bottling up my emotions because of it and that ended up with me crying over 'little things' and then i get scolded for that so i kinda just force myself to cry at night... well i used to i kinda just forced myself to just be null ig...). i keep thinking about getting bottom surgery because my bottom dysphoria is kinda on and off (as in sometimes i dont care abt my genitals and sometimes i want my sex organs removed off of my body ASAP)... for the past few months its been rlly bad and i've recently looks at results to see what option would be best for me and instead of going "ok so THIS surgery seems to work for me, theres some good surgeons for this near so once i can get it it'll be good" (or whatever idk) i start thinking "this all looks wrong. im noticing everything off about it".. now it could be me just looking too hard (PERVERT!!) or the dysphoria fucking up my thinking but i feel like i'd still be dysphoric.. i mean yeah i have a penis now but i dont get to enjoy the things men typically enjoy. im actually envious of anyone that was born with XY chromosomes, i want to have your joys, your pains, your annoyances, your pleasures.. i didnt ask to be in this body. if theres some higher deity or whatever they surely wanted me to be miserable and all it took was to give me the wrong set of chromosomes. im tired of being the butt of the joke, im tired of being a laughing stock for these dumbass people im forced to be around everyday. i didnt choose to be trans and i wish i wasnt trans but it was either be miserable for now and be (hopefully) happy later on or be miserable forever but fit in. sorry if you dont like that, if you hate me for being trans and i just so happen to be in the same room as you- thats a you problem. im trying to be fucking happy, im trying everything to feel comfortable in my own skin. if you hate me so much because im trans say it to my face, stop talking about me behind my back and be a real man and say it right infront of my face. im actually so done with the people at my school. im so tired of ME tbh. i stand out too much because im too femme and 'frail' to be a guy but too masculine and ugly to be a girl. automatic target ig omfg im clockable. kinda just realized that midway of this. idk what else to write. uh thanks for reading this?

idk i guess the reason i keep looking up whether pcos is an intersex condition (& getting frustrated when all the results are conflicting or just say "maybe") is bc im. trying to figure out if thats like... fitting for me? i guess i feel conflicted abt it largely bc i feel like it wasnt as... idk, severe? for me as for some people. like, even now, as much as i hate it, most people initially assume im a cis woman. i look enough like one, even with my voice lower now i guess i still sound enough like one, i bind & generally wear pretty gender-neutral clothes & rarely wear makeup except for special occasions but still everyone sees me & mentally checks the "female" box. so, like, can i really claim to share that experience when even despite my best effort im still perceived as a woman?

but the thing is like. even before i realized i was transmasc some things always felt off, but the more i think about it its like. not really in the typical trans way tho? you always hear the simplification of "feeling like a man born in a womans body" but thats really not what it was like for me at all. back when i thought i was cis it felt more like my body never got the memo that it was supposed to be "female" in the first place. i have broad shoulders, most of my weight is in my stomach, ive never had a defined waist. i do have a large chest, but not in the way people usually imagine; theres no form to them, they literally just kinda hang there pointing straight at the floor, looking a lot more like really big "man boobs" than what youd expect from a "busty woman". height aside, my body shape is significantly more similar to whats considered to be the average mans body than the average womans. my periods happened seemingly at random, usually every three to four months or so but occasionally id go nine months without one. (it was only when i mentioned this to my mom in my early 20s & she said "thats still happening?" that i finally saw a doctor about it & got a pcos diagnosis.) i had body hair more comparable to the men in my family when i actually let it grow, and i was made fun of in fifth grade for having "man arms". i was ten. when i was around 15 a friends dad told my my voice sounded "husky", which, general weirdness aside, is not often a term used to describe a 15 year old girls voice.

like... idk, most of that is not what people mean when they say "not like other girls". so, yknow, maybe im just being too hard on myself.

i've seen some FATE genderbend tierlists. and i've heard it explained as that S-tier and not genderbend are nearly interchangeable. BTW no neither okita nor Nagao are S-tier, they're usually B-tier, but ibaraki is usually in the S-tier. blah blah blah. personally my favorite genderbends are the 1s that could work, or're really nifty

I like most of them tbh, AND ALSO, there aren't as many as one would think

Like fate is "known" for this trope of making historical men into women but like, compared to the overall number of figures who kept their historical gender(?) , its not that many?

Putting a read more because i just start going into the ones i remember and sht, ALSO ITS MESSY AS HELL BECAUSE IM TYPING AS I REMEMBER and i make a lot of clarifications because i like to overexplain myself!

And ANOTHER clarifications are

1. This is all written from what i personally remember and interpreted from the source materials

2. Me saying this isn't stopping anyone from continuing to Headcanon something different

Some of them are like "yeah i was a woman all along who enjoyed the privileges of a man's life while still being a woman but ig people didnt like that so they recorded me in history as a man" (iirc francis drake is this one, so is yoshitsune)

The "i was a woman but i faked being a man my entire life to be allowed to be (a king or a samurai)" (okita** and arturia, one of those two had way more issues with that than the other. And its actually important to the way the lore was written and focused that Arturia was born female lmao because uther rejected her at birth because she was a girl and merlin was the one who convinced him "hey we can still put the dragon blood on her and just raise her as a man yknow" and then uther accepted but then died because his daughter was a daughter (that last part was a joke but theres so many men like that in modern time irl too so :/ the whole plot overall is very genderqueer still i wont deny it) (and then theres Okita who also kinda needed to do it but it feels like it was way less like, necessary for hee to do that, so its easy for people to hc okita as trans (i dont personally but that hc has some Great fics))

** I ALSO HAVE TO SAY THAT i dont remember if they actually ALSO retconned that and okita was just Trested as a man because of gender roles but never Actually bothered or cared to say "im a girl actually" even Now, she gets refered to as "okita-kun" or "okita-san" which are (kun specifically?) more masculine honorifics

Saito gets called with the "-chan" honorific sometimes, iirc

These two existing might confuse people on "wait if ushi was allowed to be a woman and do all the things why wasnt okita" and that's probably because misogyny strikes at any time in history yknow? Probably by ushi's time, they didn't care that much or because it was incredibly war time, they could Afford to care. Meanwhile, okita would have had a harder time because it was less violent times so roles were starting to set into more "men have the violent jobs and women stay inside"

Or "i was in fact a man but i always identified more as nonbinary or as a woman" (iirc nero?? At Least at the start of her lore it was like that. Idk if they retconned it to being similar as the first tho. And ofc trans icon leonardo da vinci)

Im not mentioning all of them because im too lazy rn (or am i... i mostly dont remember)

Jing Ke iirc was also interesting, but i CANNOT for the life of me remember what was her deal

And then there's Sugitani Zenjūbō who was a man but then (Kashin Koji???) Turned them into a woman literally just for fun ??

Actually will add im not sure if Kashin Koji and Sen no Rikyu are or not genderbends

Bringing it back to Arthuriana for this but its funny Gareth was Also a woman the whole time but she Had to fake it if she wanted ti be accepted as a knight UNTIL she participated in that joust and thats when she revealed "ACTUALLY im a GIRL I WAS FAKING THE WHOLE TIME" and King Arthur who is also faking to be a man starts sweating profusely but accepts her and declares her a knight still even tho she was a woman because at least she can do that. The king wasn't allowed to be a woman still, tho, unfortunately."

Jacques, who we know was a man, but the eldritch god transitioned her good for her she refuses to talk about it, tho

Oda Nobunaga, who either was 1. Always a woman and history recorded her as a man because she enjoyed the privileges of a man's life (which is also similar to Yoshitsune/Ushiwakamaru's case), or 2. Literally from a different parallel universe where she was always a woman and the worlds are so similar that she never realized

Musashi we know is from an alternate universe as well

Raikou is also verily implied to be a trans woman in some dialogues but in others is the "i had to be pretend to be a man to enjoy the things i wanted to enjoy" (which also just sounds trans but still, you know what i mean) (i love the hc of Raikou being trans and you will take it from me only when i am Dead, and even Then)

Frankenstein's Monster, who was just built as a woman iirc

Xu Fu literally just a woman now, no changes in the lore to try and explain or anything at all, incredibly gay woman at that too. Love that they make it explicit that she is in Love with Yu Mei Ren and yes it IS romantic. Im gonna go cry again btw

Pollux who funnily enough is just (probably accidental Or Probably not) implied to be trans because she and Castor are identical twins and we know identical twins cannot be different sexes (that OR Castor is the trans one)

Quetzalcoatl who is a genderless god (usually regarded as male) who chose a vessel that happened to be a woman and is living her best life

Kukulkan i Assume is the same case as Quetz

Kiichi Hougen is treated as a woman rn because their current body is female, BUT when they met yoshitsune, they were using a male form. They are agender, tho, btw, not a woman.

Some people might wonder why arent there any genderbends of Female historical figures Into Men in Fate and to that i will point to hundreds of years of history that bury female and queer accomplishments and history by pretending they were all men becsuse "no way a woman could do this"

JUST like Fate plays into with some of the genderbends (like i said, Francis Drake or Ushiwakamaru)

So if they did that it would just, be normal misogynistic history ? Good old "no way women are as competent as a man"

Anyway

Thats all

Extremely Unnecessarily Long Disjointed Ramble About My Identity

ive never felt happy with my queer identity at all. i know you dont need labels but being labeless wasnt freeing either, it never felt any better.. not any worse, but just the same feeling of ambivalence to my own existence.

one thing i never see discussed is the influence of community in how you describe yourself. this is so obvious, we talk about this with peer pressure and other personality traits, but its heavily affected my queer identity too. my sexuality has always been kinda fuzzy, ive been bouncing between being bi and lesbian and gay since the beginning of time, but between those 3 groups the appeal of the lesbian community was always so much higher. i liked the sense of closeness i never experienced in my trans/gay/bi identity, i liked how more trans inclusive it felt, my lesbian friends were always much more proud of their identities than other people, i liked the freedom of not being at all shackled to men. But i dont really know if lesbian fits my sexuality. no fucking clue. i just know socially id rather be a lesbian in social circles than anything else. i feel like an imposter almost. when i identify as bi i dont feel like an imposter, but im always really unhappy with the choice and feel like it doesnt accurately represent me at all. i dont feel like i relate to other bi people.

with my transness.. for 3 years i ID'd as a binary trans man. it never felt quite right, i felt like i didnt try hard enough to be a man, there were too many things i held onto from living as a girl that i didnt know if id ever want to let go. i switched to thinking of myself as nonbinary transmasc, not really at all connected to feminity but not strictly calling myself a man. this was alright but i always felt the indecisiveness of sometimes wanting to be a man and sometimes wanting to be free from it all together, it didnt feel good either. right now ive abandoned any notions of gender, just that im not a Girl, and whether that means im feminine or masculine or androgynous it doesnt matter. this is maybe the worst ive ever felt about my gender and has affirmed to me i probably am at least transmasc, if not completely a trans Man.

ive always rlly felt the shame of being transmasc. i feel like i betrayed womanhood or whatever even though i didnt fit into that either. i was an ugly obvious outlier in any space i tried to be a girl. i think id rather be a girl, i see the appeal of it so much more. i feel stupid for not wanting to be a girl when i enjoy the experience so much more. even though i Know identity is not something you choose, even though i Know every single person has a different thing thats right for them, it feels so much more justified to me to want to be a girl - whether you have to transition that way or were just born into it - than to want anything to do with masculinity. i dont know.

i have some internalized hatred to work out but it sucks when i see people reinforcing it. terfs call testosterone evil and talk about trans men betraying womanhood. transmascs frequently say stupid shit online (transmisogny, as well as generally being insanely discourse minded), and i know im not the monolith, im not the whole group, but it makes me feel stupid for wanting to be grouped with those people. this definitely ties into my completely unrelated issue of feeling personally responsible for shit that i didnt do, for people pleasing all the time and my desire to be liked by literally everyone. And then also in my head i go Ahhhh youre dividing people into arbitrary categories again... Youre deciding certain archetypes of transmasc suck even when you dont know the person personally and then i feel disappointed in myself again for being so generalizing. especially when i understand how they got to those conclusions or have thought them myself at some point.

now 90% of my friends are trans girls and its changed my perception of community again. i feel like transmascs dont have the same sense of closeness like that, or maybe we do, and i just dont feel it since i dont engage with my own community much anymore. maybe as an outsider i percieve more solidarity than actually exists (although between my friends & social media discourse im not at all unaware of infighting). maybe i just feel left out or lost wherever i go i guess. maybe it is just a me issue.

to add onto the i dont engage with my own community bit, i remember when i used to follow many transmasc artists and all their ocs and such were transmasc too. i strayed away from this for a few reasons. i remember some discourse in 2022 about how trans male artists get so much more attention online and how no one supports trans womens art, and i felt bad almost for engaging with my own community. i know that other peoples communities are not a threat to my own, and ive always supported trans womens art too, but i felt bad about the 1 single time i ever felt connected to other trans men. i felt bad consuming all this male content, and consequently stopped. that was also around the same time my sexuality shifted from feeling like a gay or bi man, to being a nonbinary lesbian, so i felt disconnected from a lot of gay transmasculine art as well.

a lot of my issue with identity is discourse and its so stupid man. i know its stupid to say out loud but constantly being surrounded by it gets to my head sometimes. it feels especially stupid as someone who doesnt even rlly engage with it, instead i just read thread after thread reply after reply and feel Bad with no outlet. i remember over the years seeing posts about how people drawing transmasc surgery scars felt empty and meaningless, because it didnt attempt to represent any other part of the transmasculine experience and i felt bad for enjoying that symbol. i loved seeing top scars in art and on people and then i felt weird about it, even though logically i know the importance of those things is not diminished by random people online saying its Hollow.

it always feels like discourse tries to pit trans men and women against eachother and it sucks. (with obvious exceptions, sometimes trans men really are ignorant & talking over or erasing transmisogny). ive never once with my transfem friends felt like i was at odds against them. learning other peoples experiences is extremely important to me, and ive often found we have very similar experiences too, even on stuff i wouldnt expect to have parallels for. it sucks that i literally go outside and touch grass everyday and interact with Real Queer People, and yet still the discourse worms infest themselves into my brain...

being completely unlabeled and being free is fine in a box, until im forced to adhere back to reality by the fact i live with other people. i can think of my own actions as genderless or etc in my own bubble, maybe even with friends, but when i go back into the world and am crammed and perceived into places i dont want to be, i feel bad again. maybe i havent experienced the true joys of being labeless when i still care about peoples perception of me. its hard not to when its your everyday at school and work.

so theres this kitten that was born without sex organs and people here are like "wow nonbinary cat!! wow this cat is me!" the cat is intersex not nonbinary bro. its a cat. the cat doesnt have gender identity. it was born the way it was.my god and christ.but as if that wasnt cringeworthy enough now people are going "umm this cat isnt intersex its SEXLESS it is born neither :]" ignoring that the definition of intersex is anything born with a physical body that doesnt fit the typical definition of male or female...it is a spectrum of variations that exist everywhere in nature. it really goes to show how dyadic trans/nb people do not give a single shit about intersex people when theyre out here literally fighting to claim a...cat ... as nb and not intersex. we out here getting our organs harvested as children and abused and systemically erased by the medical infrastructure and the lgbt community still refuses to be allies. and no, you arent inherently an ally because youre trans. half the time yall include us in the acronym for no reason and call it a day. you cant even stop using bioessentialist language. you cant even stop being trumeds. you cant even stop using agab language. you cant even stop saying HERMAPHRODITE. you look at me like i have five heads when i call the trans/cis binary what it is: a BINARY, because that challenges the very rigid worldview youve constructed around only people like yourself. apparently all we're good for is to be used as a "gotcha" against terfs from people who cant even define the word intersex at all. all of this...and some of u still want to BE us. listen. if you woke up one day and were suddenly intersex, you will not be treated like some magical fuckin unicorn. doctors, coworkers, friends and family WILL force yr square peg ass into the neat boxes that will never EVER fit you. and before you clown on this post IM TRANS!!! i am literally transgender and intersex and i stand by what i said. suck it up & do better