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#I just want to be a pretty girl a guy and a little faerie shapeshifter at the same time
adhbabey · 1 year
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I wish I could relate to general trans culture, but I don't. I never had to deal with the overwhelming internalized transphobia by transmedicalists. I haven't dealt with being demonized because of my birth gender, instead of the general misogyny that's not necessarily to do with being trans, or about being socialized as one's agab. I never had to deal with overwhelming dysphoria to the point I need medical transition.
At best, if I called myself trans, I'd probably be called by a "transtrender" back 5 years ago. But I didn't identify as trans or nonbinary 5 years ago.
I still have to deal with transphobia, weird misgendering, terf bullshit, etc. But not to the same amount as other people, as I am heavily closeted and still gender express as feminine.
But I am multigender, I will never have a normal trans experience, and it kinda makes me feel alienated from the trans community. I don't identify as trans, but as nonbinary, because I feel like I'm not allowed to exist in that community. I still somewhat identify with my agab, I am still multigender.
I align with more, funky silly gender, playing with gender, performing unique gender. And that's the place I feel like I belong. I don't really belong with binary trans people and that's sad. Unfortunately, I will be seen as cis by some transmedicalist or very binary trans people.
So like, when I talk about trans issues, know that I don't feel welcome necessarily, but I will support innocent people's opinions. Like, I believe in transandrophobia, because I've enacted some of it, when I was younger. I think transfems deserve respect as well. But I don't belong in the transmasc and transfem binary. I don't belong in either category, and I feel alienated from it. Even if part of me is technically transmasc, my male alters don't necessarily identify with the body regardless of what I do.
So like. I am surely affected by transphobia too, but its strange for me. I feel more cis than binary trans people and feel more trans than cis people. And it's a strange dichotomy. Maybe one day all of us with unique, conflicting or controversial genders will find a place to belong. I deserve to be a man in a skirt sometimes, I deserve to be a pretty girl, I deserve to be an eboy, I deserve to be a man with long hair, I deserve to be a sapphic princess. And I deserve to exist outside of the binary, whether I'm a faerie or a dragon or a crow, or some type of magical creature, with no concept or regard to gender, whether I am an alien where they're all the same. I deserve to freely express that, even if people still see me as non-passing. I will never pass.
I will never be what the trans or cis community had in mind. But I will always be nonbinary. And that's the place I belong.
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All of them! I want it to be so squishy it makes me cry!
Ohh I can do that. Watch me:
Vampire: Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?I know, that I should say ‘no’. But let’s be honest here. I would probably take it. Means I can stay with Cas forever, right?
Werewolf: If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?Ha. Pretty obvious huh. @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam, you ready for a life just full of me?
Witch: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?Destroy all supernatural (besides Cas. Obviously. And friends like Garth, Benny, Gabe...)
Ghost: Do you have any regrets?My life is full of regrets. I probably have a thing every day that I regret. What I regret the MOST is pushing Cas away so many times, especially when he was human. I won’t forgive myself that.
Frankenstein: Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?Independent, though it wasn’t always like this. I was for over 20 years Daddy’s good little soldier.
Mummy: If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?Well I would hope so.
Zombie: Do you miss anyone right now?I miss every one of my friends, when they are not with me. Mostly of course my fiancé. (and no I will not get tired of that word.)
Faerie: If you could get away with anything, what would you do?Ohhoo. Cut Sammy’s hair.
Nymph: What are you like when you’re by yourself?Quiet mostly. Deep in thoughts. I don’t like do be by myself, sometimes the thought overwhelm me. But other times I also can let go and just... relax. Show my true side. I don’t have to be strong and angry. I even look different, when nobody is watching. That’s all I will say.
Mermaid: How far would you go to keep the one you love?To the moon and back? I would move heaven and hell, kill everyone who dares to stand between us.
Shapeshifter: What would you change about yourself?Probably get rid of my freckles, straighten my legs. Get rid of the few extra pounds on my hips. That stuff. Otherwise I do like myself. Even all the scars and wounds.
Banshee: If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?I kinda want to say that I would do anything they want, but lets be honest. I tried to find a way to save their life.
Siren: If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?Make the bad guys punch themselves, while I sit back and watch.
Genie: If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?To be a father to a bunch of kids.
Fury: What is a word/phrase that you dread to hear?“I’m breaking up with you.” or “I’m sorry but I have to leave.”
Incubus: What would someone have to do to get in your pants?Hmm I guess I’m pretty easy. I walked home with every girl that just smiled at me. But there is only one person, who stays in my pants. ;) and for that I have to be in love.
Succubus: What’s one thing you can’t live without?Easy peasy. Wait one thing. @anangelamuse-castiel-spnfam I’m choosing you over pie. I hope you are happy.
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escapeinpapers · 4 years
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MAY WRAP-UP
This month, I think I spent way too much time in booktube that my attention for a certain book quickly goes to another one. I’m quite mad at myself because I had not been consistent of my May TBR. Even so, I’m still pretty proud of myself because I’ve read more than what I expected to read. Also, I would say there were books that disappointed me this month but there were some that I quickly rated as 5 stars and made me so emotional.
So here are the books that I’ve read for the month of May.
NEW ADULT/ADULT ROMANCE
To Love Jason Thorn by Ella Maise (2/5)
The story is told by POV’s main characters, Olive and Jason. Olive is an indie author whose book will be adapted into a movie. She then finds out that the actor who will be playing the male protagonist is her brother’s childhood bestfriend/ her childhood crush and first love, Jason.
I honestly love the childhood crush and second chance romance trope on this book but it was getting bad and bad as I continue to read. I even prepared myself to be ready for a major twist or revelation but I was just disappointed. It felt like there was no real and impressive conflict on their relationship. I enjoyed the first few chapters and maybe towards the first half but it just got really crappy. There were cringey love scenes and sometimes the characters were being dumb that it is so frustrating.
(P.s. Every time Jason calls Olive “little one”, I cringe and I remember Thanos from Avengers lol.)
The Guy on the Right by Kate Stewart (3.5/5)
This is a friends to lovers novel. Main characters are Theo and Laney. Theo is quite shy and a reserved person. He lives in a house with Troy, the popular playboy roommate. He calls himself as “the guy on the right” because Troy always takes the spotlight and many girls go after him. He met Laney on a party. She, on the other hand is the quirky, outspoken and hardworking country girl. They became close, started a social media page and they eventually fell in love with each other.
This is my first new adult book ever. I’m usually into young adult and adult books so it was a huge step for me to explore this genre and gladly I enjoyed this book and now I’m more interested to read other new adult books. The storyline was good. I gave it only 3.5 stars because it was just an okay read for me. I love the elements of music and social media. The characters were also charming in their own ways. And you’ll get quotations called Grannism every end of a chapter. Some were really relatable.
Read my full review:
The Naked Truth by Vi Keeland (4/5)
The book is all about a second chance romance. Layla, a lawyer, was asked to do the pitch for a prospect client to their law firm. She didn’t know that the client she’s gonna impress was Gray, her ex who just got out of prison. Gray want Layla back and he wants to clear all the misunderstanding and explain to her why he had to lie to her.
I didn’t expect to love this book. I love the shift of timelines from present to the past. I thought that it will be just full of steamy scenes but the plot was amazing. The twists and turns were impressive. There’s one that really struck me and I literally screamed with that revelation. It was a major drama I didn’t see coming. I think people who love K-Drama (like me) would like this book. I also love how the author portrayed the aspects of family, marriage as well as death. The lawyer-prisoner romance was also interesting. It is my first time reading that kind of trope. My only issue with this book is Layla being sometimes annoying with her petty arguments.
The Unhoneymooners by Christina Lauren (5/5)
Due to food poisoning, Olive’s twin sister and Ethan’s brother can’t make it to their honeymoon in Maui. Thus, Olive and Ethan were asked to take their places. The problem is, Olive and Ethan do not get along very well. They pretty much hate each other’s guts but the two need to work together and act as newly married couple. Only, they didn’t realize that this free vacation is changing their lives.
This was an easy 5 stars for me. I enjoyed this book so much because it was atmospheric. It felt like I was on the beach myself because of how engaging the story was. The enemy to lovers and fake marriage/relationship tropes were done beautifully. I was easily hooked into the story and the twists were just freaking good. Olive and Ethan’s chemistry is so strong. Their banters were very fun. I just love love love this book.
Read my full review:
Ugly Love by Colleen Hoover (5/5)
The story revolves around Tate and Miles. Tate is a nurse who has no time for love and Miles is a pilot who doesn’t want to love again. Their first meeting was not great but their paths always cross because he’s her new neighbor and he’s her brother’s friend and co-pilot. Physical attraction grew between them and they can’t put aside their desires so they had some sort of friends with benefits relationship. But things get really bad because they are slowly breaking their own rules.
This is officially one of my favorite books of all time. Everything in this book is just perfect. I kind of judged this book very wrongly 2 years ago when I first tried to read this because I thought it will be just about sex and at that time my smut level on books was really low. But, I decided to read it again out of a whim at freaking midnight. I looked past through the love scenes (though idk I find it dreamy and romantic now) and focused on the story, and swear, I was blown away. I never thought that I would cry so badly again over a book.
Read my full review:
FANTASY
A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas (2/5)
This is somewhat a Beauty and the Beast retelling. Feyre, a normal mortal girl, killed a Faerie (a magical creature) while she was hunting for food. She was punished to live in a High Fae’s manor to pay for the life she had taken and she ends up falling in love with Tamlin, her captor who can shapeshift and who wears a crappy mask.
I really want to love this book. Some people told me to don’t stop reading because it will get good. But sadly, I just did not like it (Sorry! ). The writing is atmospheric though, I admired it at first. However, as I go on, the description of the settings or for the other things were too much and I think did not necessarily affect the situation at hand. Sometimes, it was just too flowery and over with metaphors. Feyre and Tamlin as characters were not effective, their chemistry is “meh”. There were cringey lines especially on the love scenes. The plot twists were not hard for me to predict. I think this book was not just for me to read. Though, I’ve been told that the sequel is the best among the series so I might give it a shot soon.
The Grisha Trilogy by Leigh Bardugo
Shadow & Bone (3/5)
Siege & Storm (3/5)
Ruin & Rising (2/5)
Alina had discovered her unique powers to summon light when they were assigned to cross the Shadow Fold. It’s a forsaken place of impenetrable darkness with flesh eating monsters. Leaving Mal, her childhood bestfriend and the guy that she also likes, she was sent to the Little Palace to work with the magical elites called Grisha in hopes that she could destroy the fold and unite Ravka. While working to hone her powers, she finds herself developing feelings for The Darkling, the mysterious and attractive as hell leader of Grisha. On her journey to destroy the Shadow Fold, she encountered many challenges, revelations and truth about the people around her.
I really had high expectations for this series because I love the author and her Six of Crows duology. But I was again, disappointed. It’s not that it was that bad, it was not just as great as I expected it to be. I have a love and hate relationship with this series. The first book was good. The build up of the story was beautifully done. I love the magical system and the characters were intriguing, but only at first. I understand why the Darkling is hyped up till now because he is absolutely mysterious and hot (plus Ben Barnes will be playing the role for the Netflix adaptation). Revealing Alina’s power as well as the Darkling’s was very cool. The second book is where the Darkling gets literally dark. Even though this was more tensed because of the twists, I enjoyed and laughed many times than the first book because of Nikolai. He’s not the main character of this series but its funny because I like him the most. Scratch that. I love him. The third book was just so disappointing. I enjoyed the side characters’ romance more and the twists were not that impressive. And the ending? Worst. I think there’s one common denominator of all the things that I didn’t like in this series, and that is Alina being a typical weak female protagonist. She is just annoying sometimes, too dependent of the other characters and does weak and petty arguments.
Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo (5/5)
This is the sequel of the Six of Crows duology. Kaz and his crew did the heist they were asked to do but they had to face their consequences and take down the real enemy. As much as I’m excited to tell you more about the plot, I won’t go any further because I don’t want to spoil anything.
I absolutely love the first book and I was not disappointed with this one. This is my best fantasy reads so far. I fell in love more with Kaz, Inej, Matthias, Niña, Wylan and Jesper. They are just freaking amazing. The character development was done so good. The plot twists are super amazing and I got fooled many times. Also, the ending is so satisfying. I have to admit, I enjoyed this duology more than The Grisha Trilogy.
Read my full review:
YOUNG ADULT CONTEMPORARY
10 Blind Dates by Ashley Elston (4/5)
We follow Sophie’s journey towards healing her broken heart. Her Grandma decided to set up her in blind dates and the guys he’ll be dating are chosen by some of her family members. So, she went onto these days, in hopes to forget her ex-boyfriend. But things get complicated. Her ex wants her back but the feelings she had for an old friend is growing back.
If you’re looking for something that is light, cute and a quick read, this is the book for you. The blind dating thing was just very cute. I never expected to like it, but it was just interesting and each date was fun in their own ways. I also love the essence of family and friendship on this book. As a person who grew up in a family-oriented household, I can relate so much of the main character.
Read my full review:
They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera (5/5)
In this world, there’s this system called Death Cast. They call people to give them an alert that they’re gonna die on that day. No when and how but only the information that on that day that you are called, it’s your time to say goodbye to the world. Mateo had been always paranoid about the time that he will receive the call. So, when Death Cast called him, he had been more paranoid than ever. Then, he met Rufus, who’s also gonna die that day, through The Last Friend app. Despite the two having very different attitude towards accepting their death, they decided to spend their last day together.
This is the kind of book that is very hard to put down. The title itself is already very intriguing. All the time I was reading this, I can’t help but to be anxious because knowing anytime soon, Rufus and Mateo are gonna die. I had a lot of theories on how they would die but it was no where near. The narration is very deceiving which I love. The message of this book is also very touching plus the characters are very relatable and I can’t help to put myself in their shoes. I know it is unpleasant to think about death especially these times but this book just made me realize things about life and it made me reflect and ask myself on how I’ve been living my life so far. I love this book so much that it is one of my best reads for this year and I might make a full review for this one.
So those were all the books that I've read for the month of May. For June, I've been thinking to read genres that I don't usually read such as msytery and thrillers. I hope I would be consistent on my next month's TBR.
Thank you for reading. I hope some of the books caught your interest. Till my next post ❤
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Just Dance // Silent Disco !!!!! I danced like the raven and Rue from Ahiru
THE TALK WITH HALLIE WAS SUPER FUN!!!!!!!! We talked about her galas (Charity fundraising ones ! Reminded me so much of the RFA Christmas Charity Event !!) and her pretty dresses 👗
And of her occasional love for Metallica and Metal Bands and their strange and similar calming effect with Opera.
!! She used to disco dance too - she was pretty embarrassed about it and hasn’t really told much of anyone about it - But wow that makes it really special to me >///< !
This is what brings me peace !
Silent Disco!
The Wind Activation 💗💞💗💖💗💘💗 !!!
She’s like a magical source of information!
I’m pretty sure Hallie is also an empathic, highly sensitive person - and this is why she treasures her alone time, despite what mom might say. It probably drained her too ^^’.
Our talk was amazing! And it all stared by me sharing how I was dancing on my own 💗💞💓💞❣️💗 The Magical Raven
Mashups. Collaboration. Singing, writing, dancing, poetry, prose, photography..!
They need me to be vulnerable, to be deep in my truth and the way I see and feel my own truth ((Clarity and unconditional love))
As a child I really really loved singing.
Joyfully, in front of others, share it.
Be bold, be brave with it in my life.
To attract someone in my joy, not in my pain.
Only the happily single can find true love.
Collage and digital photoshop/design.
Yoga/Chakras Anodea Judith
In the amusement park I did see a guy with a professional camera and I Was actually taken by that :O..
It then made me think about Jihyun though. He preferred the camera and photography because he didn’t feel good enough and like he’d be judged and criticized for his own artistic self expression too.
Regarding hobby passions - Be loyal to what you love (Doggo barking in the background) - I’m still looking for it - what makes me happiest creatively, I’m actually kind of looking forward to more of my single life right now - Victor Oddo ‘His daughter was upset, angry at what she perceived was a mistake (filling the tub with orbeez and doin’ the orbeez challenge n then getting sick) and he responded with ‘nonono! You did amazing, good for you ! You took action towards what inspired you at that moment. Every time you fall, every time you ‘make a mistake’
Chakras - 17:00
I envision my muscles healthy and strong, with the ability and knowledge to protect myself with the gifts of the universe and my own willing effort.
And the fierce, clear, firm yet compassionate courage to find and speak the truth of my needs and emotions with clarity and confidence.
I Hold My Body Sacred -> Healthy High Vibrational Food, Exercise and Humming/Singing, silent disco dancing. Self Respect to say No to what bothers me or is uncomfortable for me. Massage and Water Heat.
Grounding with sea and sun. 💓.
Yuval said I had phenomenal English. Mom back then told me I was intelligent, always striving for knowledge, I am spiritual and empathic - though I Am wounded right now. What lessens the pain is understanding where they come from, even when you decide and express that that type of behavior is not for you.
I Follow My Heart -> Daily journaling of my feelings, thoughts and what in life affects me, developing and exploring my artistic side?
From black and white thinking to the complex duality of gray within us all. Pray for those we resent, as they are struggling too. But know what serves us and what doesn’t with clarity.
Hallie’s mom’s dress reminded me of an ash faerie -> It really inspired me and reminded me of the Phoenix rising from the ashes ! I also encouraged her ‘You can always make your own little private ballroom, pour a lil champagne, wear your dress, feel pretty and dance to whatever songs you love, humming and singing along to them. 💗💓❣️💘 Just for yourself’ -> I allow my inner divine child to do this too.
We had a really great talk ! Yuval suggested I watch the HaGashash -> add more happiness and laughter and joy to my heart.
I nurture this funk/groove/magical lullaby classical dancer -> shapeshifter of animals, crow, raven, flowers, swan, groovy whatevemebob Just as I used to in my 2AM dancing in the living room, with the moon and my headphones 💗💞💗.
In Jihyun’s route it was all about Unconditional Self Love after the wreckage..
I don’t think I’m actually in love right now. A symbiotic attachment to the label of twin flames? The sentiments of our past? As well as the repel to that? My own divine masculine and feminine are still wounded - knowing and fearing that they’re not ready for a relationship yet.
No. I went through meditations to heal that fear. Now I’m feeling a little tense still, like right now it would be draining, I’ve looked into the situation you’re in right now, Jumin.. There are, hm. I’d still like to hold onto the hope of a future for us together, I do....I’m still not sure if those are because of sentiments to the past or ?? God. Not knowing makes me kind of anxious. I still care about the betterment of your life because of course I still really care about you.
Maybe there’s more held within me that I don’t know of yet? I’m not sure if it’s good or bad :x
I need to connect to my Archangels too, to really understand it a lot deeper. Within my own family and with this situation I’m in right now.
I do know that my hobbies are a main thing I wish to cultivate right now !
Because of my anxiety? I feel like he’s not ready yet and I do not wish for a re-run of what happened. I lowkey also kind of feel like we’re holding onto something that brings us pain and that isn’t good for us either?
Though city life does not suit what I envision for my future. I definitely envision a cottage and a garden safe haven, and Forest animals for sure ! there are photographs I took that lift me up and I’m thinking about getting back to digital collaging
But I feel that there are..Like...hmhghhh How do I say thisss..Like you’re still caught up with old habits? Autopilot? You are really caring to your surroundings and I did read that you Are aware of your need to meditate and look within yourself, which I’m proud ^^ !
But need to let go of your previous programming that are holding you back from being your truest self? (I am in the process of doing so as well ^^’)
What are hobbies you wish to get into that will bring you joy? How would be best for you to manage your time so you’ll still have time to connect to your own self and to the divine?
It’s draining but because Jumin is still such an important person of my past that I still care about from afar right now, I wish for him to be able to do well in his life..
And Regarding Saeyoung..with ‘nothing to lose’..I feel like..I would regret not being able to spend time with Saeyoung if he were to leave..Not out of ego, but like an overarching cloud of grey, electricity of lightnings in my heart and a wallowing abyss of what could’ve been. .... Best friend....Ow. Okie: I can feel thorns happening from these expectations - knowing how it would hurt him..
But he has been such a treasured support...And I realize, I know how he’s so much more than that ! orz
And..you know. Maybe it is foolish. Foolish to try and hold onto the 0.000000001% of hope for life but I still think it’s worth it. To continue holding onto life. It’s just like in Jihyun’s after ending where you really, really nearly gave up all hope - But Vanderwood and even I was at the very same mindset ! To finding Saeran ! !!! And, you did in the end ! The divine is always there to give guidance :o ! I’ve been relying on them quite a bit too, even with the uncomfortable sensations that I’m still trying to figure out and let go of??
It’s trueee...;;;..I have wallowed too much in carrying around my mistakes??? And grudges and hurt I wanted to heal and bury but didn’t know how?? I felt obligated to carry out Forgiveness as that is what God would want and because of a genuine desire to have the connection turn lighter. To love and pray for even those who’ve hurt us..By trying to understand where they come from too.
Of course it doesn’t mean I should stay as a ‘Yes complier’ always. I am planning to first develop my own healthy boundaries ! ònó
And the dream I have that I’m not willing to give up on is living close to nature, the thriving, luscious forest and the crystal clear, flowing ever sparkling blue lake, gardening - wild bushes and succulents all around...
Worms ! Are definitely important in decreasing organic food waste and creating a very mineral nutritious soil for the plants 💗💞💖💘 AA! I can already imagine the delight of singing to them TvT !!
And both close and connected to the divine together ! A person whose values towards the universe match mine !
..
She’s right. That kind of lavish lifestyle isn’t for me. City life, lavish parties, clubs, drinks, or jealous/controlling patterns. It brings back my childhood patterns and inner wounds. As mine do to his. But again, when we are both more balanced within ourselves - just like in the video of ‘Why you will marry the wrong person’ - No person is ever, well,
Not because he doesn’t deserve forgiveness and understanding and prayers for his pain and struggle and in overcoming those, but because his lifestyle does not suit what I envision for myself.
I also don’t feel like he’s comfortable in his own essence yet ? Like he hasn’t filled that hole within himself with the new sides of himself he wishes to build, rather than filling it with booze, work or, well. Relationships/sexual endeavors, perhaps he’s still caught in trying to fill himself with his arranged marriage girl?. Those are addictions that are hard to let go of, I agree - Just like Saeyoung with his own as well.. The positive side is that most people in current society Are very tempted by distractions - Of course I don’t wish for infidelity, as no one should nor deserves to go through that.
But Even I was, with anime too. It was inspiring though and motivated me when I was in high school! I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not tempted to rewatch some of my favorite ones. I was also, well. I’m overcoming the desire/need to receive external validation.
But the divine can really shed light on what we can do to better our own situation, and our own..inner look within. And actually following what hobby type of endeavors each wants to go on.
I read that Jumin was really working hard..Taking care of business and everyone in his life.....Trying to escape his mind..? To feel worthy by doing and accomplishing? I’m sure he’s working hard. .. I just feel like he, might not be tending to delving into his inner workings with the help of the divine more?
(!! The reading just now told me that you know that you need to do that. I’m proud of your inner knowing ! - But it is important to know that now is definitely not the time.)
Looking towards our future as individuals (it is important for me to say as individuals first) and how to build to that in the now moment !
I was also .. Hm.. Those were pretty dark matters within my own family. I’m on the path to understanding the complexity and my own handling of other’s grey and multifaceted areas, as well as my own.
Well, especially my own right now. Creating better habits..!
I am still balancing my own and pursuing new hobbies for myself (Gardening! Photography! Spirituality! Silent Disco :O ! Self Betterment !) and wish to have my future coupling be with someone who’ll expand with me spiritually, who’d be dedicated to that path with me.
I still feel rather rigid and repelled in regards to connecting with Jumin right now. It doesn’t feel like, he’s ready or balanced with his own essence yet.
I am still progressing in slow steps towards my own betterment as well.
What stops me from progressing things with Saeyoung despite him being such an incredible person in my eyes? And maybe Saeyoung doesn’t care if he dies but even while I’m caring for my own schedule and healing and hobbies - But of course I do..Of course life does, of course the divine does !
What’s holding Saeyoung back from hope? Cynicism? His situation in the agency?
If I reset the game and go through Jihyun’s forgive ending where you two reunite and Jihyun doesn’t die and causes a hell of a lot of grieving in Jumin’s side of things - and you are out of the secret agency and working in C&R instead and have a way better life there for yourself, would that be better??
I’m not in love with Jihyun, nor do I really have a crush on him or anything, he really is more of like, a soul partner and I share a kinship with him in regards to life and plantation and art - deep platonic coupled with intrigue? but it is the best ending in my opinion for everyone involved.
I really do admire his growth there too.
The way Saeran heals there and !! You know ! Miracles can definitely happen !
Not only in computer games, but there are people who’ve accomplished their dreams in National Geographic too!
And it’s hard for me too, I agree But there is also the saying ‘Shoot for the moon! If you miss, you’ll become one of the stars’ !
And, I am also still holding hope towards Jumin’s strength in bettering his own situation. Sending out a big ‘You can do it!’ ‘I believe in you!’ from the heart to Us all !
I was influenced to do so thanks to Mary Jane and it reminded me a lot of Ichigo’s heartbell from Tokyo Mew Mew and I also just - Really did wish deep down to encourage !
Why am I cautious to commit? I don’t. Know yet what the future holds for me romantically and I’m not sure where Jumin stands, nor am I looking to get cheated on again, and lifestyle wise I’m not willing to give up on my dreams of living next to nature and animals and gardening and flower pressing, have it incorporated to witchcraft too ! for my whole life and again, a life where my partner and I are both highly connected to the divine and Art ! (yes, even when it’s a work in progress in my own life ^v^’)
Foolish? Maybe. But I also know that now is not the time to reunite.
I can’t save everyone. Stick to my own values and biggest dreams.
The lifestyle I wish for is village life, lakes, cultivating and nourishing ecological gardens - A safe haven of natural life ! Bunnies, squirrels, fireflies, some bees, proper protection from wasps and mosquitoes and the like ! Succulents !! Pretty flowers! Recycling natural food with harmony in worm composting..! (Still a slow pace venture in regards to that ! But I will ! Their help is necessary for my highest vision !)
Saeyoung is sweet and charming and funny and supportive and wise, sometimes bitter and handles some really heavy things as well - sometimes dorkily awkward and insecure - I really admire him - but romantically it’s like..I still feel awkward about it? Like, my feelings of romantic attraction aren’t there?..; part of me also doesn’t wish to hurt Jumin. .... Breathe. Center yourself. My decisions are not about him. What is it that I wish to do? I don’t wish to hurt Saeyoung when I’m not serious about it yet. I do like Saeyoung, I do like musing about a life with him or dates with him occasionally, but am I ready?
Oh my god and reminiscing !! AA. Just hanging out with him is really fun though. I reminisced over summer events !
Especially cause I’m in such close proximity to the beach !
Reminiscing over chats with him !! Te le pathyyyy~~~~
His nonchalant ‘whoops’ LOL.
heheheh and, and ! God, I missed Jaehee’s anger.
OMG. Victor Oddo’s response to his daughter’s feelings of anger towards what she did was ‘No, nonononono, what you did was amazing. You took action into what inspired you at the time and whenever we do that, there’s always a chance it might not work out, it’s not about that ! making mistakes is valuable cause you can learn from them !’
‘Whenever we make a mistake, slip off or fail - There’s a lesson to be learned there somehow’ (Just like mine today with my search for maybe buying a camera. It didn’t work out but I gained insight into maybe instead in the future - in Israel to buy a newer phone with better, more high def camera settings and I can check camera options out. See really how deeply interested I am in that. And I Do have my chakras to get me acquainted with myself and my own body too.)
I don’t know how I’d be able to help Saeyoung with his own depression and suicidal tendencies, but my higher self is saying ‘Just by being there for him’. In our own journeys of recovery. But it’s also, like, The hobbies, friends, the family trip, connecting to my archangels in regards to my past lives’ effects on me right now, scheduling more journaling too. are what I wish to do the most.
Am I in self defense mode? I still don’t feel prepared to being in a relationship with Saeyoung. I wish for friends ! And
The Seagull told me I’m livin life too safely, to bring up a more lighthearted attitude !
Hm. Looking at things deeply and with clarity..Sentimentality conceals life’s complexities..
I like Jumin, somehow I still do. I do realize that he’s not ready yet. Plus I don’t know if in the future he’d be willing for us to go, lol, Farm style ! (I do have to say, the art of him in farm/village wear 💗💞💗) - But he still has things to figure out with his own self.
But right now it’s definitely - The journey of connecting to my archangels, creativity in regards to like - That’s what I wish and am taking steps towards ! - singing, prose, dancing, digital design, blogging about my photos too!
And figuring out how my past lives affect my current situation with my family and in relationships too. With the connection to my archangels.
I wish to express my own values, delve and express my own hobbies and creativity online.
Making a mistake, is valuable. Even if I fail, or make a mistake, or mess up..
Wow. I really do want to fill it up with my own hobbies and the delight in those. Journey of self discovery the more I follow my passions !
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