i got sick so i did another go! child cover with an old transcription i probably started when the song was first released. song is tranquil from their album the masquerade

Liabilities Chapter 4

A/N: Sorry for taking so long for this next update!! Warnings for this are the same as all other chapters. Beware this is heavy chapter! I promise it pretty much goes completely uphill from here. 

liabilities masterlist

Rowan Whitethorn had never been this bored in his entire life. Or at least since 8 o clock, when Aelin had kissed his cheek and abandoned him to suffer through calculus all alone. She had been bouncing on her toes all morning, nervous beyond belief about seeing Lorcan for the first time since they'd slept together. Rowan had tried to calm her nerves while simaltaneously trying not to vomit and the thought of his two friends doing ... well that.

Now, he was sitting in the back of Mr. Faliq's class, doodling aimlessly on the front of his textbook. Math had never been Rowan's best subject anyway. Infact, the only reason he'd taken it was so that he and Aelin might have at least one class together. With her wanting to be a doctor and him wanting to be a lawyer, their senior year courses didnt exactly cross over. Unfourtunately, it hadnt worked out, and Rowan had a whole semester to suffer through whatever this was without his best friend beside him.

Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, the bell to signal the end of first period sounded throughout the room. Rowan was out of his seat and across the room before the rest of class had even begun packing their books. Once he was out in the hallway, he felt like he could finally breathe again. Rowan really needed to think about dropping that course, he'd even take art at this point. An image popped into his head of the last thing he'd tried to paint, a picture for Aelin that had turned into more of a brown blob than anything. Laughing, he walked down the hall towards Aelin's class. Students were beginning to pour out of classrooms and he spotted his friends down the hall.

They were standing by Lorcan's locker, the tall male leaning his head against the wall. He looked positively miserable as he toyed with the strap of his bag, doing practicaly anything to avoid Aelin's gaze. Still, she was looking right at him, gesturing wildly with her hands. Rowan hung back for a moment to watch, not wanting to interupt. After a few more seconds of talking to no one, Aelin socked Lorcan in the arm. Rowan could almost here him groan as he finally looked down at Aelin. She looked relieved as she launched into speaking all over again. When she was done, Aelin paused, apprehension shining in her eyes. Lorcan hesitated a moment before sighing and folding her into his arms. Her shoulders slumped with relief as she hugged him back. When they finally pulled away, Aelin was positively beaming and Rowan couldn't hold back the smile that tugged at his lips in response.

Still smiling, Aelin grabbed Lorcan's hand and pulled him down the hall towards Rowan. Just before they got withing hearing distance Aelin said something to Lorcan that made his head tip back in laughter. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, they reached Rowan.

They stopped infront of him and Lorcan looked up at Rowan slowly. Aelin surveyed the two males tentatively, as if preparing to seperate a fight.

"Hey." Lorcan said at last, his low voice rougher than normal.

"Hey." Rowan replied, nodding his head slightly.

Just as the silence became unbearably thick, a cheerful voice broke through the haze.

"Hey guys." Fenrys said, throwing his arm around Aelin. "I haven't seen any of you since the party, how were your weekends?"

"Totally normal." Aelin blurted at the same time that Lorcan said. "Nothing special."

Fenrys brows narrowed but he didnt push it. "Um okay. What about you Rowan?"

"Shitty." He admitted, avoiding anyone but Fenrys' gaze.

"Aw sorry about that man. I saw you leave the party alone, that sucks. It's been a while since you got laid huh."

Rowan couldnt stop the blush forming. "Uh yeah I dont know, I guess it depends on your definition of a while."

"Wasn't the last one Remelle?" Fenrys asked. Gods sometimes he just wanted to punch Fenrys out.

"Remelle." Aelin blurted. "Rowan that was all the way back in July. Its been like three months."

He was definetly blushing now. Remelle had been his last failed attempt at getting over his being in love with Aelin. He’d thrown up as soon as he’d left their room and from that moment on just touching other women had made him feel slightly nauseous. 

“Yeah well I just haven't really clicked with anyone since I guess.” He stumbled over his words. Lorcan was shooting him a knowing look that Rowan pointedly ignored. 

“Whatever.” Fenrys said shrugging. “Where’d you two disappear off too. I could've used some help with clean up.” 

Instantly all three of them looked down at their shoes, shoulders tensed. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Rowan decided to put everyone out of their miseries. 

“They fucked.” He said, his voice carefully exempt of any emotion. 

Fenrys mouth fell wide open. “What.” He paused. “Um Wha- How?” At last he sighed. “WHAT THE ABSOLUTE FUCK.” He half yelled. 

A few freshman walking by giggled and scurried down the hall. 

“Well we were both drunk and not really thinking and somehow we ended up in his bed. But we’re good now so let’s just all forget it ever happened okay?” The plea in Aelin’s voice tightened something in Rowan’s chest. 

Fenrys, who was still staring at Lorcan, his jaw practically on the floor, said nothing. Lorcan swore under his breath and grabbed Fenrys, dragging him down the hall away from Aelin and Rowan. Good, let Lorcan deal with his best friend and Rowan would deal with his. 

They walked down the hall in silence for a few seconds. Rowan fought to hold back everything he wanted to say. He could feel their friendship slowly falling apart, like a burning house. Yet he couldn't say or do anything out of fear that the whole thing would come crumbling down with one wrong touch. Instead, he allowed himself to focus on the pattern of footsteps against the school tile floor. He watched Aelin’s hands swing back and forth, shaking violently. 

“Aelin are you okay?” He asked tentatively. 

She jerked her head towards him, then down to her hands, and then back up again. Eyes still on him, she pulled her sweater down to cover her shaking hands. 

“Um yeah its just... well I stopped the drugs and everything very suddenly and it’s a little hard on my body.” 

“How hard.” He asked, concern shining in his bright green eyes. 

“Most people phase out of the shit I did slowly. Stopping it all at once is hard.” 

“That’s not what I asked.” He didn't raise his voice but his tone was firm in the way that demanded answers. 

She took a long breath in through her nose. “Some vomiting, cold chills and sweating, a pounding headache, shaking, a couple fucked up dreams.” 

“So you’re in withdrawal.” 

“Yeah from like three different things at once.” Aelin let out a small laugh, as if this was all funny for her. 

“Do you want me to take you home?” He offered. 

“What no.” She rolled her ankle around in a circle. “I’ll see you at lunch.” 

Then she was gone. 

----------------------

Rowan Whitehorn had thought calculus was the worst class he’d have to suffer through. French, made that course look like a fucking summer breeze. Honestly this class wouldn't even have been that hard if he could speak the language at all. Aelin and him had always wanted to go backpacking through Europe, so when he said he couldn't speak French, she practically signed him up herself. 

“Rowan.” A voice snapped him out of his daze. The principal was standing in the class doorway, panting, as if she’d ran here. The look in her eyes made Rowan’s heart lurch forward in his chest. 

“Yeah,” He said, already walking towards her. 

“Come with me.” Then they were walking swiftly down the hall.

“What’s going on?” A part of him didn't really want an answer. 

The principal swallowed and began jogging down the hall. “It’s Aelin.” 

A part of him had already known. Had wanted it to be false, but known all the same. Still, it didn't stop the panic that seized him so completely, had him practically running down the halls now, feed sliding on the freshly cleaned tile. 

The rounded the corner and Rowan stopped dead on his feet. There, sitting against the wall just outside her art classroom, was Aelin. Her arms were wrapped around her petite frame, as if she could hold herself together. She was shaking uncontrollably, her head buried in her knees. Even from a few metres away, Rowan could hear how she tried and failed to gulp down air. There were no tears on her face, just blind panic. Fenrys was kneeling in front of her, a panicked expression on his face and he tried to calm her down. 

Rowan ignore the small puddle of vomit on the floor as he pushed Fenrys away and kneeled before Aelin. He was close enough now to hear her muttering something, words he couldn't decipher. 

Ever so carefully, he grabbed her violently seizing wrists and pried them from her knees. Her hands were freezing cold, and Rowan resisted the urge to drop them. Instead, he covered them with his own and waited for her to look at him. 

“Aelin” He said softly, failing to hide the pain in his voice. “Look at me love.” 

She didn't. Some of the shaking in her hands had ceased though, becoming more tremors than anything. 

“Aelin everything is going to be okay. I can help you alright. I just need you to look at me.” 

Slowly, so slow that he felt as though time itself had been warped, she lifted those blue eyes to his own. He stared at her broken face, letting her know that he saw every part of her and was not afraid. 

“Just breathe with me.” He took one of her hands and placed it against his chest. “Just like this.” 

He inhaled slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. After a brief second of hesitation, Aelin did the same. 

“Good.” He murmured softly, and repeated the action. “You’re doing so good.” 

He continued to breathe in and out until Aelin’s own breath had steadied. Even then, he refused to remove her hand from his chest. 

At long last, she spoke. “I don't know what happened.” The words came out scratchy. “One second I was painting, green flowers like your eyes. Then someone spilled red paint on the floor. It looked like blood Rowan. Like his blood all over the tile. Suddenly the walls started closing in and I couldn't breathe. There was blood everywhere and he was dying all over again and I just couldn't fucking breathe.” A strangled cry broke from her lips on the last words. 

“We’re going to go home now okay? I’m going to take you home.” He paused to weigh her reaction. She tried to stand up but her legs were shaking so much that it didn't work. Instead, she collapsed back down withe another small broke sob. Rowan’s fucking heart was shattering. 

“Can I pick you up?” He asked. Her small nod was answer enough. Leaning down, he curled one arm under her legs and the other below her neck. Still shaking slightly, she buried her head in his chest, as if hiding from the rest of the world. 

The principal was still staring at them in shock. Fenrys must've gone to get Lorcan who was now watching Rowan and Aelin with pure devastation on his face. “We’ll be by later.” Lorcan said as they passed. 

“Alright.” 

When they reached Rowan’s car, he placed Aelin in the passenger seat before climbing in as well. 

“Thank you.” Her words carried some of that fearless strength and determination he’d missed. “For everything. You have no idea what it means to me. I honestly don't think i’d still be here without you Ro.”

“Anytime.” He tried not to focus on the deja vu of this situation. Tried and failed to forget that it was barely two days ago when he’d placed a shaking Aelin in the front seat of his car. He was always saving her, not that he had minded much before. But now, as they pulled out of the parking lot, Rowan wondered if maybe there was more out there.

--------

tags: 

@queen-of-glass

@courtofjurdan

@fictional-horan

@bamchickawowow

I’ve been struggling with my writing for the last couple of days, and nothing was really helping, until @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed gave me the below prompt. Thank you, I love you. 

‘Single dad Zayn needing a babysitter REALLY badly bc if he misses his exam he gets kicked out of school so he sorta asks his new neighbour Liam if please please he can watch her for a few hours’

Hope you enjoy!

📚 🧁

“I’m so sorry mate, you know we would if we could but I’ve had to go into work today, and Haz’s got that shoot.”

Zayn squeezed his eyes shut, his free hand rubbing at his temples. Akilah was watching him with wide eyes from the floor, her thumb shoved in her mouth; he didn’t have the heart today to try and break the habit. 

“It’s fine Lou, thanks anyway,” he sighed. “I’ll give Niall a call, see if he can watch her.” He already knew he couldn’t, remembered the meetings he said he had today, but the white lie was better than the additional guilt that it’d make Louis feel. “We’ll catch up soon, yeah?”

After Zayn finished the call, he sank down onto the couch, hands trembling slightly as he tried to figure out what exactly his options were.

His exam was in an hour, a half hour drive away, and his usual babysitter had called this morning with food poisoning. He’d tried desperately to find a replacement, calling everyone he knew until it’d fallen on even calling the people he knew were busy, just in case. The lads were busy, his family all working or at school and too far away to help, the girls he worked with at the restaurant unable to help. He only had one other option, and he just had to pray that Bev from across the hall was home.

A small hand gripped his jeans, and Zayn’s gaze dropped, his eyes softening and his heart melting as Akilah pulled herself up, holding onto his knees.

“Baba, snack now?”

“Hi, mere chand.” Zayn ran an affectionate hand through her hair, grinning when she tried to bat it away, even though it was slightly strained. “I’ve packed some snacks for you because Baba has to go to school.” He stood up, heaving Akilah up with him with a woo that made her giggle. “Do you want to go see Mrs Johnson? See if you spend some time with her while I’m at school?”

She shoved her thumb back into her mouth as Zayn moved to grab her bag from the kitchen. “Yeah!”

Zayn blew out a breath as he moved through the flat and across the hall, knocking gently and hoping with everything he had that she was home and -

“Zayn dear! And Akilah, how are you, sweet girl?” Bev cooed, but Zayn’s heart sank when he realised she had her coat on and her handbag. “What can I do for you, love?”

Zayn gripped Akilah tightly to his body, hoping her weight and humming in his ear would settle him. “I - I have an exam in less than an hour and no one can watch her, and I’ve already rescheduled once and if I can’t make it, I’m gonna get kicked out of the class and I won’t be able to graduate Bev, and I’m sorry, I just didn’t know where else to go.”

The trembling in his hands grew when Bev’s face fell, and she immediately looked regretful. He looked down to hide the stinging at the corners of his eyes.

“I’m so sorry love, I have an important appointment, but it’s okay,” she said firmly, slow hand coming up to lightly pat his face, wiping a tear from his cheek, “because you should go and ask Liam.”

Zayn’s eyebrows furrowed as Akilah started to squirm. He popped her carefully on the ground and pushed the heel of his hands into his eyes. “Who’s Liam?”

Bev made a soft noise, pushing gently at his chest as she moved out of the doorway and shut it behind her. “The lovely man who just moved in next to you! He’s such a sweetheart, Zayn, and I was just talking to him about his little nieces and nephews,” she mused, gesturing at Liam’s door as she moved towards the lift. “I’m sure he won’t mind, he’s very kind,” she stopped, turning to fix him with a sly grin, “and he’s very handsome.”

“I can’t leave her with a stranger, Bev! I don’t even know him,” he hissed, ignoring the knowing look on face.

“Yes well, I do dear, and he’s very lovely. He’ll look after her well, I’m sure,” she said happily, “and maybe you too, if you’d let him.”

Zayn spluttered, heat rushing to his cheeks as he tried to protest quietly, but she cheerfully waved him off. He didn’t know this man, had never even met him, but he’d officially run out of options. There was no harm in trying, he supposed, no other real choice.

He knelt down, his knee digging harshly into the carpet. “Okay, are you ready to meet someone new? His name’s Liam, apparently.” He tried to sound positive, but he could tell from the hesitance on his little girl’s face that he hadn’t succeeded.

“I guess so,” she mumbled around her thumb, but then she wrapped her arms around his neck and clung, and Zayn couldnt stop the heavy feeling settling in his stomach.

He lifted her off the ground, pressing a kiss to her temple, and stood in front of his neighbour’s door. He could hear soft music coming from inside, a soft melody and careful bass. Zayn was running out of time, so he took a deep breath, and knocked firmly. He bounced Akilah gently on his hip, realising that she was getting too old for this now, really, but she was helping to settle his nerves and surely it wasn’t really a bad thing -

The door swung open, and Zayn’s breath caught in his throat.

The man standing in the doorway, soft grin and curious eyes, muscled arms and what looked like flour in his hair, was one of the most attractive men he’d ever seen, and Zayn did not have time for a breakdown right now.

“Hello, can I help you?” His voice was low and warm, and his smile widened when he noticed Akilah, and oh. There were crinkles at the corners of his eyes and he was covered in tattoos and Zayn was half a second away from thinking that his exam could go and fuck itself before Liam spoke again. “Oh, hello pretty girl! I’m Liam, who are you?” Liam reached out to shake her foot softly.

Zayn was frozen, and all he could do was watch as Akilah shyly drew her thumb out of mouth and eyed Liam carefully.

“Akilah. This is my Baba.”

Liam’s eyes snapped to his, and his smile shifted, no less genuine but something behind it now that filled Zayn with warmth.

“Uh, hi, ‘m Zayn. I live next door.” He reached forward awkwardly to shake Liam’s hand, and his grip was strong and he really needed to focus.

“I’m Liam, but you already know that,” Liam laughed, and his eyes only moved from Zayn’s quickly to check on where Akilah was squirming.

Zayn sighed and put her down. “Careful please darling, just stand here a moment.” He steeled himself, and then just allowed himself to ramble. “I know we only just met, and I’m so sorry to ask anything of you, but I have an exam at school and no one else can watch her and Bev said you might be free and I’m sure you don’t want to spend the afternoon looking after a kid you don’t know and we don’t even know each other but I can’t miss this and I’m desperate Liam, and —.”

“Zayn,” Liam held up a hand, stained green with what looked like food dye. “Of course I can watch her, you need to get to your exam. I promise it’s okay, alright? I’ve got a niece around her age, we’ll have fun!” He reached out to gently grip Zayn’s bicep, and Zayn almost whined at the contact.

It’d been years since he’d had any kind of relationship, bar a one night stand almost a year ago, and now even this was almost erring in the side of too much. Inappropriate really, considering the situation. Zayn shook his head and let the words sink in.

“Wait, really?” Relief flooded through him, and he quickly shoved the bag at Liam. “There’s snacks and some games and drawing stuff in there, some diapers as well, and some wipes.” He picked Akilah up again as Liam waved at her out of the corner of his eye. “Mere chand, I have to go to school, okay? Do you wanna stay with Liam for a little while? I’ll be back as soon as I can, but you’ll have fun, yeah?”

Akilah grinned suddenly at him, and reached out for Liam in a way that she’d never done with a new person before. Zayn swore quietly, and handed her to him properly, heart stuttering in his chest as he watched the two of them smile at each other.

“Lee-yum! We’ll have fun, bye Baba.” She wasn’t even looking at Zayn when she said it, eyes wide and focused on Liam, and Zayn could definitely relate.

“Yeah Baba, we’ll have fun,” Liam murmured, gaze back on Zayn, and bounced Akilah on his hip, and Zayn’s heart stuttered in his chest. “I was just doing some baking for my sister’s party tonight, do you wanna help me?”

Akilah squirmed again, in Liam’s arms this time, pumping her tiny fist in the air in a way she only could’ve learned from Harry, and Zayn rolled his eyes fondly at the cheer she let out. So much for being worried, then.

Zayn would’ve stared at the image forever, but he was definitely going to be late if he didn’t leave.

“Be good for Liam, okay love?” He darted forward to kiss her forehead, “and I’ll be back soon. Liam,” he reached out to cling to Liam’s forearm, his thumb running circles into his wrist. “Thank you, I’m beyond grateful, I can’t even explain it.”

“Zayn!” Liam laughed, swaying slightly so Akilah laughed. “Just go, okay? I’m more than happy to help. Can I have your number?” He was smirking now, and there was no way Zayn was going to be able to concentrate on his exam. “Just in case something happens.”

Zayn quickly put his number in Liam’s phone, hands still trembling slightly. “Okay, I’ll just,” he jabbed his thumb awkwardly towards the lift, “I’ll just go.”

Liam’s grin turned slightly wicked. “Okay. Good luck, Zayn.”

Zayn started walking backwards now, soaking in the sight of his beautiful daughter giggling in the arms of a gorgeous man. “Thank you. I - I’ll see you later, Leeyum.” He let the teasing word sit in his mouth longer, drawing it out, and the look on Liam’s face made it worth it. Zayn grinned with a final wave, and jogged towards the lift. He was anxiously tapping his foot, waiting for the doors to open, when Liam called his name out into the hall.

Zayn spun around, pulse racing. “Yeah?”

“Maybe when you come back, you could stay for a bit?” Liam seemed slightly shy now, and the answer was obvious even before he kept talking. “I have some cakes and biscuits and scones, and I’m - well, I’m a baker so they’re good, I promise, and —.”

“Liam,” Zayn cut him off, and he couldn’t help but laugh. “Absolutely. I’d absolutely love to.”

Aizawa was beyond annoyed

He had been interning at this hero agency for a while and it was his last year at UA

And he wouldn’t call himself arrogant or anything but part of him

Felt like a job like this was beneath him or at least he wasn’t going to learn anything from it

It was basically a glorified babysitting job

Some big politician was going to be in town and they had a daughter

And somehow it became his job to watch her

The whole thing was silly according to him

He would be doing this while his friends were outgoing on bigger missions and getting real experience

And he felt that he could be doing something way better with his time like that

So he wasnt that interested in every little detail the higher ups were telling him

He got the basic point you weren’t allowed out of the hoteroom while you were in town and he and another hero would be stationed with you and taking shifts

Easy enough

But when he saw you he got a feeling this job was going to be anything but easy

For one he had assumed you were a young child

But you differently weren’t

You had to be about his age

But you had an air about you that just screamed trouble

It was a complete contrast to your father who walked beside you

He walked like he demanded respect from everyone and that he was an important person

You just looked like you were irritated and couldn’t be bothered to listen to them when they were telling you the plans of the trip

“Eraserhead” he acknowledged you telling you his name but again you weren’t playing attention

This was routine for you for the last few years of your life

You went somewhere with your father (it wasnt like you had a choice)

And hed lock you in some hotel room because it was safest there until it was time to go somewhere new

You couldn’t remember the last time you were actually home

But at this point in your life you didnt care anymore

It was clear that this would be your life until you went to college in the fall

Something you couldn’t wait for Cause you knew you’d finally have some freedom

One of the other bodyguards tried to make a small conversation with you but you rolled your eyes

“You dont have to talk to me. All you have to do is show me my prison for the week.” You told him with your arm crossed looking it the window

Your father cleared his throat, “you all have to forgive her, y/n tends to be cranky after a long flight.”

You only clicked your tongue as a response

Aizawa hadn’t said anything

But he had already judged you

Bratty, spoiled, mean, and probably moody, and simply not pleasant at all.

This was going to be so annoying

When you all got to the hotel you and your father went your separate ways

And Aizawa simple followed you to your room, “If you need anything I’ll be out-.”

You slammed the door before he could finish

You had been to japan a few times before so you knew the area

So you had no plan to stay in

As soon as you got the chance you called your friends that you had in the city and you set off

Aizawa just sighed deeply outside your door

At least you didnt seem like your were interested in making his life a living hell

At least that’s what he thought but he didnt know how wrong he really was

It was when Aizawa came back for his second shift that he realized something was up

“Has she came out at all?”

They just shook their head, “Shes been pretty quite.”

“Have you checked on her?”

They shrugged, “I’ve knocked a few times but no answer I’m sure shes just sleep.”

Aizawa didnt think anything of it but something in his gut told him he should

A little after the other hero left

He knocked on your door to check on you again but no answer

He felt like he should have known better but he’d go to open the door only to find the room empty

“Y/n?”

He called out your name a few times but no answer

But then saw that your window was open

And like something straight out of a movie he saw you used your bedsheets as a rope to escape

Dread covered his face

He was done for

What was he supposed to do? How was he going to tell them he lost you?

Did someone kidnap you? How long ago did you leave?

So many questions ran through his mind

But before anything else he had already jumped out the window and started his search for you

You couldn’t have gone far

And you weren’t

You went out with some old friends and was hanging with them in a local club

You had no business being there

But this was the most fun you had in months

Aizawa was a good tracker so it was just his luck that it didnt take long to find you

He just thought of all the places a teenager would go

So that brought him to the club where he saw you dancing on the floor

He sighed in relief

At least you were safe

But that relief was short lived as he approached you

Because as soon as you saw him you took off

It was annoying enough to have to leave and find you

But now he was going to have to chase you

You were fast but he was faster

He followed you all the way out of the club and after having enough

He used to capture scarf to catch you

You faced him enraged

“Let go of me!”

“No way, do you have any idea how much trouble you could have got in? That you could have got me in?”

“That’s more of a you problem. Now let me go.” You said fighting against him but you couldnt set yourself free

“Not until we get back.”

And so he dragged you back to the room

He was lucky no one was there to see him bring you back

Once back into your room he let you free but he didnt make any move to leave himself

“You can go now.”

“Theres no way I’m letting you leave my sight. You could have lost me my job.”

You narrowed your eyes at him

You were going to leave again but you saw it was going to be a lot easier said than done

The next few days would go by dreadfully long for you

Aizawa watched you like a hawk

It was almost impossible to do anything with out him being 10 feet away from you

Most if the time whenever you were out you could escape

But Aizawa wasnt having any of it

He was going to be a hero and he wasnt going to let you or anyone else get in his way

“How’s your babysitting job going?” Hizashi teased him one day while he was at school

Shouta only rolled his eyes and just explained how much of a pain you were

“Have you tried to talk to her? You know shes pretty cute. I saw her in the news.” He went on talking

But Aizawa didnt care

He didnt want to know you but part of him did have to admit you were very nice on the eyes

But one day something changed

Maybe you were just bored when you saw him just sitting in your room

But you started a conversation

“What’s it like going to UA?”

Aizawa was surprised by your question

Up until now you seemed to have hated him

But he answered your question anyway

Which lead on to more talking

Which lead to a new appreciation for each other

Aizawa learned about how much you had traveled with your father and had never been to a real school or a stable home

And that you hated it

He actually felt bad for you

He couldnt imagine living like that and having someone always watching you

No wonder you were always trying to run away

It would the night before you were going to leave the country again that Aizawa was talking to you out on your balcony

It wasnt like the two of you were friends now

But you did have to admit Aizawa was funny and you liked him

Not to mention he was hot in a tired bum type of way

“So I guess this is the last night of me babysitting you.”

“I guess it is…”

Dispite starting off so rough the two of you did grow closer In a last few days

“So you gonna give the next guy as much trouble as you gave me?”

You laughed, “Of course. And besides the only reason why I stopped trying to run away is because you aren’t ass boring as you look.”

Aizawa rolled his eyes, “Sure…it wasnt because I’m actually good at my job.”

The two of you went quite, “I dare say I’ll even miss you Aizawa.”

Aizawa looked at you, “do you think you’ll be back?”

“Donno… I start college back home in the fall…who know what will happen till then.”

Aizawa just nodded “Well, if you do come back…I dont think I’ll mind babysitting you again.”

“Nice to know…”

The tension between the two of you was thick

And you being bold moved over and kissed him

He was shocked at first but he quickly recovered

The kiss was light at first but quickly got intense

But you pulled away when you heard someone knocked on your door

The two of you didnt speck the rest of the night

And when morning came he would be with the team escorts you to your plane

You stop and secretly gave him a piece of paper with your number on it “Keep in touch eraser.”

You whispered in his ear and wink before boarding the plane

Aizawa didnt know what to think at first he assumed the moment you shared last night was because you were lonely

But now…he wasnt so sure

He just gave you a little smile as he saw you bored the plane

And he’d laughed to himself you were really a lot of trouble

The Journey for Mew part 1: The horrifying beginning

Well here we go! The start of a fic series for my recently posted sander sides pokemon au, which was inspired by @sugarglider9603‘s pokemon au

This is gonna start angsty, turn to a slightly thrilling adventurous hurt and comfort, and will have a happy ending I promise! 

A trigger warning for the begining: Theres cursing, fighting(pokemon battling counts in this category right?) and slight mentions of blood, and injuries.

This is also going to be my first full series with a planned ending so I hope its good!

Also to establish this now each of the boys specialize in different pokemon types

Thomas: Normal/water(plus his team is all eeveelutions) Roman: Fire Patton: Fairy/some psychic Logan: Psychic/steel Virgil: ghost/dark Deceit: Bug/ ground Remus: Dark/poison

Now lets get started shall we? ( this one is long to buckle in)

It all started that one fated, horrible winter night. Of course the night itself hadnt started horrible.

It had been a quiet night on the Sander Sanctuary grounds when Virgil slipped out of the shared farm house and started walking towards the east side of the property, and towards the darkened office building a little ways from the house. He took in a deep breath of the crisp night air, smiling as he watched his breath’s smoke dissipate while he walked. Virgil didnt have any job duties or training sessions the next day so he decided he’d stay up that night to spend time with the sanctuary’s dark and ghost pokemon. As he walked through the grass, eyes adjusting to the dim moonlight and scattered lanterns that dotted the property and its pathways, he couldnt help but smile more. Sitting on his shoulders chittering happily was his trusted partner Banette, the doll pokemon’s zipper grin wide and cheerful. Sally had always been a brave cheerful pokemon, a contrast to her trainer’s shyer, anxious nature. 

“ You excited to play with all your friends Sally?”Sally, affectionately named after a character in one of his favorite movies, nodded her head and waved her arms in her excitement. Virgil chuckled and tried to dodge getting smacked. 

“ Ghas?” “ Gastly!!” He paused as three young Gastly floated around him happily, cheering at his presence. As they did Sally hopped to the ground and was immediately swarmed by a group of shuppets, giggling as she was nuzzled and blepped. Virgil’s smile widened and he patted one of the Gastly as he was also nudged and avoided their playful licks.

“ hehe h-hey guys im happy to see you all to-aaaaaaah!” He flailed his arms as he fell back when A large Gengar popped up in front of his with its arms up, being caught mid fall by strong rough hands. He leaned his head back and let out an exasperated sigh at the sight of a familiar grinning Trevenant, it’s laugh echoing out of its mouth soon joined by the Gengar’s giggling. He stood back up and regained his balance, hands on his hips at the two pranksters.

“ Ha ha ha. Very funny you two, you got me.” Then he ruffled Gengar’s fur and patted Trevenant’s head. 

Gengar was one of the older ghost pokemon, one of the eldest to live at the Sanctuary if Virgil remembered correctly. He’d been a Haunter when Thomas had been bequeathed the property from his grandfather and he and thomas had moved onto it and started cleaning it up and he’d been there with them through everything, playing harmless pranks and helping out. Virgil had befriended and grown close to the pokemon, even as it stayed happily wild in the east woods of the property with its best friend Trevenant, who he had helped nurse back to health from a Phantump. The two followed at his side as he kept walking, more ghost and dark pokemon gathering and happily playing around him perfectly at ease with the ghost trainer’s presence. Some even welcomed it as younger pokemon poked and tugged at his pants and jacket to get him to chase them and play tag. He indulged the kids, making them squeal and him laugh. A few feet away from the back of the office building he could see a light shining in a back room, signifying Logan was still awake and working despite it nearing midnight. He could also see pokemon peering into the window curiously, watching the older trainer work. He sighed and started crossing the distance to the building, deciding he’d try to urge Logan to go to bed. Unlike himself Logan had other work in the morning, and he didnt need to be an insomniac too. As he walked his Espeon caught up and trotted beside him contently with a yawn. He reached down and ruffled his fur. “You could’ve stayed in bed you weirdo.” His Espeon gave him an incredulous look and Virgil shrugged. Things were peaceful, and happy.

If only that could’ve last...

He felt the shift in the air, everything suddenly feeling tenser or charged. At first he thought it was simply his paranoia rearing its head, and he looked up towards the looming shadow of Geolite mountain up towards the top of the valley, and the way the moon seemed to touch the summit, almost cradled by it. There was a branch snap and his head whipped towards the fence, and the darkness beyond it. With narrowed eyes Virgil started approaching, hearing something like whispering.

“ Houndoom use shadow ball!” His eyes widened and he scrambled back as a shadow ball hit the fence and destroyed a good chunk of it with a loud boom. He had to cover his ears and he heard the pokemon start scattering or hiding behind him. When his ears stopped ringing he looked towards the smoked mangled fence in horror, stomach twisting into knots. THen he looked beyond it and he felt cold.

Shadowed sillouettes with almost glowing red R’s blazened on their chests were approaching with pokemon, streetlights flickering.

Team Rocket. 

Virgil had always feared this might happen, that word of their pokemon haven would reach people like Giovanni and they’d be attacked for rare pokemon. With kids unknowingly spreading rumors and legends of legendaries visiting and living at the sanctuary, it was a terrifying possibility. But Virgil didnt have time to think about it, or to think of anything really.

“ Houndoom flamethrower!” 

Because the next thing he knew there was a large unrelenting spray of flames rushing straight for him and the pokemon behind him uncaring. Virgil didnt think, instead his body move and he squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to block as many pokemon as he could, as if his body and his body alone would completely shield them from any harm. In a single moment in the distance he thought he heard a wailing cry fainting pierce the night.

There were legends in the Floria region that they lived in that if you heard Giratina’s cry while you were out at night, it was a signal that you or someone else was about to die. It was a legend Logan loved debating and it was one Virgil had always taken with a grain of salt before.

It was Giratina’s enraged cry that pierced the air that night.

As the cry faded Virgil realized he wasnt burning to a crisp but it was still bright he opened his eyes and looked up.

And he was horrified.

Before him, blocking the name fading flames was a small pink pokemon floating in the air as a protective bubble of pink finished shattering around it. Mew’s body was covered in burns and tears started burning in his eyes as it then wobbled and fluttered towards the ground, virgil just barely managing the catch the injuried pokemon. He cradled the legendary in his arms in a panic, watching the poor thing’s shallow breathing as it keened softly, eyes barely open.

“ No no no no nonononononononoo.....” At once Mew’s tail touched his forehead and imaged flashed through his mind.

The mountain

The heart of the mountain

A natural spring of gentle glowing water in a cavern of light bouncing crystals 

Placing Mew in the spring

Healing. A place to heal Mew.

“ Aha the rumors are true! There are legendaries here! Mr. Giovanni is going to be thrilled! Grab the Mew and any other pokemon you can and get rid of the stupid trainer if he gets in the way!” He glared at the grunts as they started approaching closer, holding Mew closer as it shut its eyes tiredly. In front of him his Espeon and Sally stood defensively, both growling. But they were out numbered by a long shot. Lights were turning on in the house but it would be too late if he didnt do something. But if he got too close they’d take Mew and he’d never get it back to the mountain. But if he ran the pokemon would be raided and captured and hurt. 

“ Sally Shadow ball! Anxie used Psybeam!! Keep them away!” Both pokemon attacked and suddenly there was a barage of shadow balls and other attacks that knocked a bunch of the intruders back. Ghost and dark pokemon, including his own, charged forward in a rage, engaging the intruder’s pokemon in battle and trying to push them back and away from Virgil. He saw his two trusted buddies and the gengar that trusted him surrounded, and felt his vision go red when he saw grunts eyeing them and appraoching with nets and collars. They were going to take his friends. They were NOT taking his friends and they were not hurting the pokemon. He stood shakily and heard yelling. He could see Deceit rushing towards him from the house and Logan rushing out of the office confused and horrified. But Team Rocket was coming back onto the property, eyes locked on the pokemon in his arms. He had to do something quick before they all got hurt. Both of the others saw his mouth move with words unheard before he wrapped mew in his thick jacket and he rushed forward, tossing the jacket bundle to Deceit and charged forward recklessly. He let out his own angry cry as he sprinted, and the grunt the was about to lunge for his precious Sally looked up.

Just in time to see the black gloved fist that slammed into his face seconds later. He fell back and wasnt able to see the boot covered foot swing up and kick him away from the chest. He caught the humans around him by surprise and his body was illuminated by the nearby streetlight as he lunged and yanked one of their houndooms back as it readied another flamethrower towards his friends and winced as it grazed his arm. But adrenaline was flowing and he barely noticed as he shoved it back and fought back against the other grunts that started ganging up on him. 

Virgil fought back with everything he had, and he was winning too. The light flickered again. There was another yell.

Then he felt the taser rod before he saw it.

In that moment the world seemed to slow, his scream of pain as his vision flashed white seemed to cut the air in half. His vision started going dark and he felt weightless even as he crumpled to the ground, and the last things he heard was Giratina’s louder, enraged cry, and the wail of multiple pokemon, almost as if they were crying

Or it was a war cry.

“ VIRGIL!!!!!!!” Logan almost screamed when he saw his friend drop to the floor like a ragdoll into a heap under the spotlight. He started running forward as more booms and ground tremors almost knocked him over. The once dark night was now morbidly lighting up with fire coming from the west side past the house, and he could hear more yelling of his housemates over the sound of angry and panicking pokemon. He didnt want to believe he heard the impossible sound of Giratina’s cry but there was no time to think about that.

His eyes were on virgil as he screamed his name and tried to run through battles. But before he could even get close his body was grabbed by psychic forces and yanked back. He yelped and struggled against his Alazakam’s power. 

“ Alakazam! What are you doing?! Let me go! I have to help Virgil!” The pokemon shook its head and held him close. It was then he felt the ground begin shaking under his feet. In the sparking, flickering streetlight the grunt that had taken Virgil down stumbled back in fear. Beneath Virgil’s unmoving form a shadow was growing and swirling around him, growing more and more and anger radiating from it. For a brief moment Logan thought he saw bright teal eyes flash in that inky darkness as a low growl sounded. 

In that moment Logan had the realization that perhaps the silly urban legends and rumors the kids in town whispered, myths that anyone who messes with or hurts the sanctuary and those who work in it invoke the wrath of the legendary pokemon, had more stock in them then he ever gave them credit for.

And then hell broke loose with one last, almost ear ringingly close enraged wail filled the air and the ground shook with some kind of impact.

A shadow ball whizzed past his ear and he was yanked back as his metagross got in front of his protectively and casted a protect around them. 

Within that moment four major things happened at once.

The woods bursted with furious and battle ready ghost and dark pokemon as they charged towards the grunts that attacked Virgil, Sally leading the charge with an war cry and tears in her pinkish red eyes. 

On the west side of the house there was screaming and yelling as Roman and Patton both fought and tried to protect the pokemon and put out the fires as well as fighting off another wave of intruders, Roman’s ranger styler lit up and active as he tried to keep grunts away from the more vulnerable grass pokemon being attacked. 

Near the woods he caught a brief glimpse of Deceit cradling the jacket bundle in his arms, barely catching his face before he suddenly disappeared into thin air and a furious Dusknior was in his place before charging into battle itself.

And there was screaming and angry yelling from near the front and he caught glances of thomas and his team of eeveelutions defending the nursery part of the house and keeping grunts back, and glimpses of a bloodied Remus full out charging and attacking grunts, knocking them down with his fists and feet with a wild look on his face. Everything was chaotic and Logan struggled more, pleading with his protective pokemon to let him go, let him out and go help his loved ones. But then he took a chance to calm down, take a shaky breath, and stood up straight.

“ Lets go.” 

Things blurred for Logan after that. He could remember being freed. Could remember running along side the battling pokemon with Lucario at his side.

He remembered the yelling and wailing and pokemon cries and running through battles.

He remembered stumbling through the thick darkness towards Virgil’s form and cradling the lanky boy in his arms. 

He vaguely remembered Team Rocket being forced back more and more and soon after retreating and being run off by Remus and a barage of pissed off pokemon. 

He remembered crying and yells of his name as he tried to wake him up. 

He also remembered long wails of despair and the gagging reek of smoke and the darkness around him and Virgil slipping away and rising, a dark clawed hand reaching towards his face placatingly.

‘ He will live, but now, you both must sleep....’

And then there was darkness as Logan slumped forward into Darkrai’s embrace, everything fading away  as his eyes fell shut......

The same kind of darkness Deceit was surrounded by as he crashed into the ground and found himself far from his endangered home with mew tucked in his arms looking up the looming mountain he stood at the base of....

And thats the end of part 1! I warned you guys it would be angsty! dont worry itll get better....eventually...

Regardless I hope you guys like part 1 and look forward to part 2!!!

taglist

@phantommoonpeople

@sweetsweetemo

@leesacrakon

@amazable01

@starbucks-remy

@jemthebookworm

@max-is-tired

@seriously-a-dragon

@sugarglider9603

A Second Chance

“I would’ve dropped  you off at Neil’s, but he’s been trying my patience lately. So why bother? I am sure someone will come pick you up eventually.” Alice smiled coldly as she watched formerly half-of Maso take his first shaky steps out of the grimdark Office. The body she had salvaged from another unfortunate Stellan - one whose soul had been reincarnated after his young demise – had been patched up and handed down.

"And remember! If you ever come back to cuase trouble in the grimdark Office again, your death will be an exceptionally long and painful one!" Alice chirped, her fingernails digging into Stellan's shoulder painfully. He jerked back, wincing, and averted his eyes.  

“Perfect! I am glad we understand each other. Now, off you go, shoo!”

Stellan turned down the hallway. It was unfamiliar, looked like every other Office they’ve been to. With a sinking heart, he remembered he wouldn’t have Bradley here to guide him. He wished he would’ve paid more attention to their previous travels.

However, the things out there were most likely much better than what he was leaving behind. He felt Alice’s gaze linger a few seconds longer as he limped away, before she vanished back in her Office.

And then Stellan was alone.

His new body ached and stung from the stitches Jagger had put in after it had been rescued from a grave. Its eyes felt weak and its feet clumsily stumbled over each other. Either they had given him a second rate body to sit in, or he had to get used to having a body on his own for the first time in years.

It was ironic, actually. Stellan had dreamed of owning a very own body for himself on many occaisons, one where he could do what he want and go wherever, with no one else there to tell him what to do. Now he just felt cold and empty. He wished Bradley were here to fill the silence. When he reached out for that presence at the forefront of his mind, he felt nothing but hollow numbness, like tonguing a missing tooth.

Finally free and Stellan was fucking miserable.

He made his way down the hallways, taking random turns in whatever direction felt like it could lead him somewhere better. The Lounge sat empty, its seats covered in thick dust and the vending machine leaking with unidentifiable fluids. Not an abnormal sight to see, if rare, but some Offices shut down after their Stanleys and Narrators leave, or are killed, or kidnapped, or fall in love and move to another one, abandoning their original Offices.

It felt like the Universe took great joy in mocking Stellan, reminding him of how utterly alone he was. For the first time in years, he wanted to find a bottle that smelled as strongly as the juices drenching the Lounge’s carpets and drink it until he forgot everything but the burning in his throat. He had curbed his alcoholism nearly a decade prior, dreaming without it he could hold a good job, pull himself out of the mess his life had become and afford starting again in a better community.

Ever since he took the first step for change, accepting an office job promising to uphold a decent lifestyle, things haven’t stopped spiraling downwards.

‘Maybe I should’ve stayed a drunkard,’ Stellan thought bitterly as he focused on placing a foot in front of the other. Both the pain and the fogginess in his mind made it difficult to walk straight.

‘Ending up with liver poison and a friendly face per night would’ve been a much better fate. Hell, I could’ve met someone nice and spent an average life with them. But noo, I had to become a better person and start dreaming. And look where that got me.’

So wrapped up in his self loathing, Stellan didn’t notice another Stanley standing in the middle of the hallway until he nearly ran straight into him. In a flash, his thoughts had vanished and he couldn’t help stare.

The other Stanley...looked normal enough. He had the typical brown hair parted in the middle and messy with a morning look, warm brown eyes, and freckles scattered playfully on his nose. His employee outfit clean and nicely ironed; the nametag which read 'Hi! My name is Stanley!' looked new.

He looked normal but he didnt feel normal. This Office was abandoned, no doubt, so where had he come from? If he were a new Stanley, surely he would be frightened with the change of scenery and lack of directions.

Yet he simply stood there and smiled at Stellan, like they had agreed to meet up and Stanley was happy he came.

"Uhh?" Stellan tried and his vocal cords cringed at the unaccustomed strain. He coughed awkwardly and tried again, this time managing a hoarse mutter.

“H-hey, can you help me? I think I’m lost.”

"Of course I can help!" The Stanley said, his voice surprisingly gentle. He offered his hand for Stellan to take. "Come with me, I can take you somewhere safe!"

His eyes gleamed brightly in the dim hallway and for a moment Stellan wondered if he had stumbled upon another illusion of a Jonathan. Maybe it had been abandoned after the Narrator left and was never taken care of. But when Stellan hesitantly took his hand, it was warm and human to the touch. Not even Jonathan could imagine an illusion that felt so real.

The other Stanley beamed with joy and Stellan glanced away.

The Office looked even worse than Stellan had expected. Beyond the Lounge, as they headed back towards room 427, he noticed some rooms had their ceilings caved in, others with windows shattered. The left door was blocked completely with some filing cabinets but his mysterious guide didn't bat an eye at the havoc.

They turned into another hallway past room 420, and headed deeper. Stellan gave up trying to make sense of where they are going so he focused on the warm hand clutching his. It felt so foreign to be holding it and comforting at the same time.

“You’ve got a long journey behind you, don’t you?” The other Stanley said, sometime after they passed through another portal finally, into another Office. It smelled warm like a heated kitchen and no matter how hard Stellan looked, he couldnt find even one piece of stray paper on the ground.

“You dont know the half of it,” Stellan muttered. He tried to focus on walking, grateful for the hand clutching his. Without it he would’ve surely tripped over his own feet.

“I think I might,” Stanley said, smiling. Stellan shot him a questioning look, but he didn’t offer to elaborate.

“...did someone send you to get me?”

“This way.”

It’s been barely an hour, they couldn’t have known the exact moment I was released, could they?

Whoever they were. Countless of people around the Offices stuck their nosy noses in other people’s business. Stellan could name ten on the top of his head who may have had even the abandoned Offices bugged, grimdarks and the laboratories of one certain evil Narrator included.

Maybe it was desperation talking, or his inability to care about what pain could be further induced on him at this point, emotional or physical. But the other Stanley didnt feel evil. Even if he was mysterious, came out of nowhere and now held a tight grip to his hand as they wandered further into the hallway’s mazes.

If he wanted to hurt Stellan, he could have done it by now.

Unless he is taking you back to the laboratories, a tiny voice quipped.

I’m useless now. Bradley has the body, not me.

You’re not useless. Their whole experiments were centered around pain, werent they? Maybe they’re trying to see how far they can break you.

… then let them. I don’t give a shit anymore, and if they want to fuse me with more Bradleys. I’m tired. I don’t care.

Stanley stopped suddenly in front of a door. He turned back to Stellan and, while he never stopped smiling, it brightened when he looked at him.

“In here.” Stanley said.

“What…?” Stellan glanced at the door. “What’s in there?”

“Oh, didnt I already say? It’s a second chance for both of you.”

Both? Stellan stared in bewilderment and got a knowing smile as an answer.

Wait...

“...Bradley….Bradley is in there too?” How did he get past Alice and her security and her monsters to get him out? She was very clear in what she wanted to do with his other half and how she would maim anyone who tried to free Bradley of his ‘punishment’. Even if the ‘good guys’ wanted to save Bradley, it wouldnt make any sense. Stellan’s own alternate, one of those self proclaimed Office Heroes, even he took part in their capture.

“Life is more than hurting and getting hurt.” The other Stanley continued, infuriatingly vague. “We all have done things we regret, but it doesnt mean we need to suffer for the rest of our lives for it.”

He reached out and cupped his hands around Stellan’s face, and Stel startled at how warm they were. Ever snce Maso – no. Ever since the Office, the hands touching him had been cruel, painful. Cold fingers of scientists prodding, Jagger and his scalpels, agony created by Alice and his very own hands. And yet Stanley’s were so gentle, soft and merciful. Stellan leaned into the touch unconsciously.

His chest stung with an unwanted tightness.

“You’re going to be okay.” The Stanley said. “You and him. I promise.”

Stel was tempted to bite back with sarcasm, but it felt ungrateful to spoil his optimism with bitterness. Instead he hung his head, ashamed.

“We dont deserve a second chance,” he muttered. The hands withdrew from his face and even in the surprisingly warm Office air, Stel felt colder. He waited, but no reply came and when he looked  up again, the hallway was empty.

The other Stanley had vanished.

Stellan sighed and turned back to the door. It looked so simple a few minutes ago and now it seemed more daunting, at the thought of seeing him again. Bradley might blame him for leaving him alone, but Stellan was more afraid he wouldn’t hesitate a second if Bradley offered him a chance to come back.

Anything was better than suffering alone. At least Bradley understood him.

Stellan gathered up his nerves and reached out for the door handle. It stuck, forcing him to rattle it a few times before he managed to get it open. His heart beat hard in his throat.

Now or never, he thought. The door swung open and Stellan stepped inside.

A single desk lamp struggled to light the room, though its glow couldn't reach past the cramped corner in which the cot sat. On the cot, wrapped in a few dozens blankets crouched a figure. Stellan couldn't make out its features so he hesitantly tried a,

"Bradley?"

The figure shuddered. As Stellan took another careful step inside, letting the door swing shut behind him, it shifted and a tired, tear stricken face peered out from underneath the sheets.

Stellan froze and he could feel his heart sink to his stomach.

That wasn’t his Bradley.

im sad, so you should read this jotakak drabble i wrote about a month ago so you can be sad with me.

Say It First (smut)

MASTERLIST

Word count: 5.6k.

I had just gotten off from yet another busy day of rehearsing with the guys for the up-coming tour around Europe and though I was excited to get back on the road again, I was feeling rather exhausted and a slight headache was beginning to nag me. 

As much as I loved what I did and my insane schedule was mostly fun to me, I couldn’t deny that working non-stop and traveling the world left it obvious traces on me when I forgot to relax once in a while as well. 

As Mike gave me a ride home, I was too tired to listen to his endless rambling about drumsticks and music, but I managed to nod at the right times and seem somewhat interested in what he was going on about. 

I stared out of the window as cars passed beside me in the dark while thinking about what the plans were when I got home. I was currently living with my best friend – since she had gotten kicked out of her dorm for smoking weed, which wasn’t really a surprise to me – but it was nice for once having someone around when I was home. 

I had known her for years and years and I guess she made me feel less lonely. Suddenly I wasn’t all alone with my thoughts, I actually had someone to share them with, someone who never seemed to judge me. 

Since it was a Saturday night, the chances of her going out with friends and dragging me along was rather high but I didn’t really mind it, though. Her friends were pretty cool and I always had a good time when being around them. 

And really, I wanted to spend as much time with her as I possibly could. Alone or with others, it didn’t matter to me. I felt more comfortable when she was around, a little less tense and I lately, I’d been craving that feeling more than I usually did. 

Mike turned into the familiar parking lot as I reached for my bag, thanking him for the ride home before jumping out of the black car and headed towards my apartment. As I unlocked the front door and stepped into the hall, I couldn’t hear any signs of her being home. 

Sadly.  

No loud music, no chatting in the distant nor any noise from the tv in the living room. The lights were out too and her coat wasn’t laying on the floor, I noticed, since I wasn’t tripping over it on the way in as usual. 

She was great, rather messy but great. 

I figured she had already left for town, half drunk on a bottle of vodka with a friend in her arm, singing along to some indie song, I’d never heard before. 

A slight disappointment reached the surface of my stomach as I pushed the warm hoodie over my head and carelessly let it fall on the floor. Moving my head to each side, desperately trying to ease up my tense muscles, my ears suddenly caught a faint, unfamiliar, rather strange noise coming from the end of the dark hallway. 

At first, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but as I walked further towards the source of the noise, it sounded like a small sob coming from y/n’s room at the end of the hall. 

A sudden heat flashed to my cheeks as I realised it was a soft moan and the panic began pumping in my veins as the noises grew wider. 

Who was she hooking up with? That dude from last Friday night? Maybe the one from the Drake concert?

As I wondered about it, a sudden tug started in my chest and forced a sharp pain to spread within a few seconds. The thing was, I was completely smitten with her. I probably always had been. From when we met each other as kids, into our younger years starting school and all the way till now. 

I had always convinced myself it was a silly, little crush that would pass at some point but no, ever since she moved in and we practically spend each waken moment together, I found myself falling all in her. 

Her long, wavy hair and those warm eyes. The way she bit the tip of her fingernail when she was fully focused on something to the way her smile could light up a room when she walked in. She was without a doubt the most beautiful person, I had ever come across. And I was all about her.  

We had always been the complete opposite of each other. She was wild and adventurous and I had a boring habit of playing it safe and thinking too much. 

She just jumped into it without any regrets and I had always been insanely attracted to that side of her. 

Her spur of the moment decisions that either got her in trouble or ended up being another great story to tell. She had intrigued me at the beginning simply because she was everything I wasn’t and even after years of knowing her, she still took me by surprise, she still caught me off guard. 

And the way she acted around me, that was without a doubt the best thing about her. She was fun and always innocently flirting with me, her spontaneous ways and weekend get-aways made me feel young again, free. Maybe even a little careless. 

And the way she was always making sure I was okay and always made me feel better whenever life was hard to handle, I loved that about her. She always put other people before herself.

She had always been there, with absolute no judgement, she had always taken care of me when I was falling apart at three in the morning. 

One night, she had found me sobbing my eyes out on the floor in the living room and I had been terrified of her reaction to it, because I had never let anyone see my weak sides before. And all she did, was hold me. She held me to her chest the entire night, knowing it was all I needed her to do. She was and had always been my rock. 

And though all of this had been going on for years, I still had to suffer when she brought home guys and hooked up with them in the room next to mine. I still had to suffer when she asked me advise about guys or had me help her pick them up at bars and clubs. And I guess, I just did the same as her. To hide the pain. 

I’d never said anything, though. She would probably have a mental break down if she knew how I felt about her and our friendship would probably become too awkward or uncomfortable to deal with. 

She didn’t do boyfriends. Heck, she didn’t even do love. And she definitely didn’t do either of those things with me. 

I heard it again, another moan from her bedroom, this time louder and a little husky. My body was tense and I felt the urge to bite my bottom lip hardly as I continued hearing sensual whimpers from her room. 

“Fuck” she gasped with a sore cry as I felt the heat rush down my spine.  

I knew I shouldn’t be listening to her having sex – it was just weird - but somehow her sweet groans forced my body to freeze completely outside her door. 

“Mhh, Shawn.” 

Wait, was that? 

My mouth dropped completely and my eyes widened fully as I heard my name escape her mouth. 

What the heck was going on? 

I creeped over to her door, which was cracked just a tiny bit open. Silently, pushing it to open just a tad more, I felt an uncomfortable feeling reach the surface of my stomach, knowing I was fully invading her personal space in this very moment. I was just confused and a bit curious to what was going on. 

I peeked through the tiny crack of her door while keeping my balance with my hands on the doorframe, trying to make as little noise as possible. My eyes caught her heated, red face as her head was resting against the white headboard and her eyes were tightly shut while she was fingering herself roughly. 

Once again, a massive wave of heat flushed my face and I felt sweet, sensual tickles between my thighs as I watched her pleasured face and heard the slight whimpers from her pink lips.

She was fully naked and her perfect, plump boobs were slightly bouncing as her fingers continued pumping in and out of her wet core. She was dripping – leaving traces on her black sheets – as the squinting sounds from her fingers colliding with her wet centre filled my ears. 

I felt myself grow hard at the sight as my toes curled when another loud moan escaped from her perfect, little mouth. My body was tense and the throbbing feeling in my pants grew stronger each second, I stood here, peeking on her like this. 

She was gasping for air and her chest was covered in small drops of sweat. Her legs were spread wildly apart and her toes were curling the sheets from the sexual frustration she was clearly giving herself. 

Her hair was messy and sticking to her sweaty neck as she threw her head back and whimpered once again. 

“Fuck, Shawn…” She cried as she added another finger and forced them in deeper this time. 

Drops of white liquid ran out of her as her fingers twisted inside her throbbing core. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I realised she was fantasising about me; all alone in her bed, wet and horny. 

And so fucking beautiful. 

I was beyond turned on already as my hard cock pressed against the tight fabric of my jeans. I was aching from hearing her raspy voice moan out my name, throbbing from the idea of her finger-fucking herself to the thought of me, growing harder with every whimper that fell from her trembling lips. 

She was so wet, so ready and all because the idea of me.

A warmth rose in my dry throat and somewhat of a loud groan suddenly sounded from my mouth gaping wide open. 

“Shawn?” She asked as her eyes popped wide open. 

The loud sound from my mouth drew her attention to the crack at the door and shortly after, her wild eyes fell on my shadow, hiding cowardly behind. She didn’t remove her slurred eyes from mine but she continued sliding her fingers in and out roughly as she used her thumb to add more pleasure against her slippery clit. 

I was a little confused, a tad uncomfortable and pretty fucking heated from the surprise of how she carelessly continued masturbating after she had caught me watching her from a distant. 

Her tongue slipped across her pink lips as she hummed sweetly while her fingers spun inside her and made her strain a muscle as a shot of pleasure made her exposed body tremble. 

She locked our eyes together and bit roughly into her bottom lip, knowing she had caught the boner hiding in my pants. I scratched the back of my head as I tried removing my eyes from her, but somehow, they always ended on her body again. 

“y/n… I-I sh-“ I stuttered as the heat spread further. 

I felt a sharp yank between my thighs as I rubbed them together to get some sort of friction to my cock throbbing for her. Sensually, she licked her lips and lowered her eyes to my hard dick. 

“Oh Shawn.” She hummed, tilting her head with a tiny smile. 

“Arr-are you?” I stumbled over my words as I felt a tight knot in my stomach.

“Thinking about you?” she asked teasingly with a massive smile on her face. “Yes, Shawn. I am.” 

I swallowed as her playful words sent a warmth, tickle feeling down my spine. 

“You like what you see?” She breathed, bucking her hips to fully expose her dripping core to my lusting eyes. 

I couldn’t find the words to speak, but nervously I managed to nod at her teasing question. I had thought about her naked on many occasions, but this vision was much better than I could have ever imagined it in my mind. 

Roughly, she removed her wet fingers from her core and put them into her mouth, sucking her juices with a moan. 

“Fuck.” I breathed as I watched her mouth moved around her fingers. 

“You want to taste too?” 

“Please.” I gasped out as I felt a tremble. 

She held out her fingers – the fingers – and then I didn’t waist more time on watching her. Swaying across the room, I kneeled on the white bed as she watched me carefully while I put her fingers into my mouth. 

Shutting my eyes, I let my tongue lick her as her sweet taste exploded in my mouth. She groaned as my tongued played with the tip of her fingers and I forced a rough suck every other second. 

I had imagined this moment in my head for such a long time, I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the fact, that this was actually happening. At last. 

Suddenly, her hand tugged into my curls and forced chills down my back. She removed her fingers from my mouth and let them slide down my damp neck, leaving wet traces behind on the way. Her fingertip followed my clenched jawline as she sent me a tiny smile. 

“So you were thinking about me?” I asked, stuttering over my words. 

“I was.” 

“What were you thinking about?” I found myself asking as another flushed reached my already steamy cheeks. 

“Oh Shawn, always so shy.” She whispered as her thumb slipped to my lips and pushed them from each other. 

She bended forward for her mouth to reach my ear and I held my breath when she came closer. 

“I was thinking how this…” Her hand stirred to between my legs and brushed against my hard cock. “Would feel inside me.” 

I whimpered as her fingers moved around in small circles against my most sensitive area. Biting hardly into my bottom lip, I tried somehow coping with the massive amount of sexual frustration she was giving me with her gentle touches. I pressed my heated neck against her face as she let out groan from the contact with my skin. 

“Is it bad that all I want to do is fuck you?” I asked her as she continued sending waves of frustration through my body. Moving her fingers into my hair, she pushed my head further against her mouth. 

“I’ve wanted you to for so long.” She admitted. 

“You never told me.” 

“I thought I gave you plenty of signs.” She whimpered desperately, feeling my breath against her skin. 

Thinking about it, maybe she did, but as always, I was too much of a pussy to do anything about it. I was too scared of misreading the signals and ruining the bond we had grown strong throughout the years. 

“I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship.” 

“Really, Shawn?” 

“What?” I asked confused at her statement. 

“Friends don’t look at each other like we do.” She muttered as her eyes locked on mine. 

For a second, her stare was vulnerable as she forced in air between her lips. I smiled lovingly at her, knowing she was exposing her heart to me in a moment of weakness, as I let my hand stroke her burning cheek.  

“How do we look at each other, then?” I dared her, raising my eyebrow playfully.  

“Like we want to rip each other’s clothes off as soon as possible.” She gasped back, biting into her plump, bottom lip. 

“Then do it.” I blurred out, taken back by my own eagerness to feel her skin on mine. 

She laughed at my comment, probably just as surprised at my sudden boldness before she let her hands wander down my back, reaching for the hem of my white t-shirt and slowly pushing it over my head. 

Throwing it at the floor in her messy room, her eyes lingered at my naked chest and I watched as they slowly widened by the sight that met her face. Her fingertips were suddenly on my skin, tracing slowly down my chest to my stomach to the beginning of my happy trail. 

I threw my head back and sucked in air as her hands unbuckled my pants and she forced them halfway down my thighs. Her mouth began kissing my lower stomach and she used her warm tongue to leave sore hickeys on my body, teasingly avoiding the area throbbing for her the most. 

I forced my fingers into her messy hair and dragged her head closer to my burning skin, too eager and impatient to feel her properly. 

I reached down between her legs to rub my palm against her wet centre as she moaned against my skin when my hand made contact. She was wetter than I expected her to be. Soaking actually and already dripping into my palm that barely brushed against the sensitive area between her quivering legs. 

“Take your pants off completely.” She told me, removing her hands from my body. “I want to taste you too.” 

Her whispering words punched out the air in my lungs but I did as she told me. Licking her lips, she tilted her head at the sight. 

My cock was hard and ready for her warm mouth, just the thought of those plump lips around the tip of my head was enough to push me further towards the edge. She lowered her body as she wrapped her left hand around my length and forced a groan to escape my mouth. 

“Shit!” I breathed as her mouth attached itself to my tip. 

I was extremely sensitive from watching her play with herself. She closed her lips around my tip and twisted a few times, making me squirm in pleasure from her wet mouth caressing me. She moved her mouth fully down to the root of my cock as her tongue licked along with her soft yet firm sucks. 

I bucked my hips to meet her mouth as she moved further down and flicked her tongue to add a tad more pleasure. 

“Fucking hell.” I sobbed. 

My eyes lowered their stare as I caught her looking towards my face while sucking my dick and I couldn’t help but let out a tiny smile. Using my hands in her hair, I pushed her head towards my face and pressed my nose against her burning cheeks. 

“I’ve spend so many nights thinking about this.” I breathed, my thumb softly gliding back and forth her lips. “Are we really doing this?” I asked her. 

“Yes. Now shut up and kiss me, Mendes.” She gasped, demanding as always. 

I leaned forward and crashed my lips eagerly into hers. She kissed me back hungrily, tugging her fingers into my hair and pushing my lips closer to hers. Her tongue spread my lips apart and forcefully, she slipped it into my welcoming mouth. 

She tasted better than I imagined her to, better than I had hoped. 

I groaned against her mouth as my hands began rubbing her tender, pink breast. I felt her writhed against me as my thumbs pinched her sore nipples.

Her hands moved to my back and she forced her nails roughly into my skin as my fingers continued adding pressure on her hard nipples. 

“Fuck Shawn.” She muttered into my mouth as I felt her gasp desperately for air. 

My hands slipped down her bare back and as I reached the curve of her soft ass, I slapped her harshly to tease her. She broke the kiss as she screamed loudly by the pleasurable pain I was coursing her.

My fingers grabbed around her ass, yanking and rubbing her roughly as she threw her head back and moaned loudly. I attached my lips to her throat and began sucking as I continuingly slapped and squeezed her ass to make her moan out my name. 

She was big and soft, plump and round; the best ass I’d ever laid eyes on.  

“I’m obsessed with your fucking ass.” I growled against her sweaty skin as I heard a faint laughter from her mouth. 

“I know.” 

“You know?”

“I’ve caught you looking multiple times.” 

Another heatwave floated my face as I felt a slight embarrassment of how obvious I had apparently been. Heck, an ass like hers was impossible to avoid looking at. 

I pushed my hips against her stomach, letting her feel my length digging into her skin just to tease a bit more. Her lips went to the soft spot underneath my ear and began kissing down my neck. 

My hands trailed down, rubbing her bum one last time and then I let my fingers drag along her soaked centre, my thumb brushing lightly against her clit. 

“Are you just going to tease or are you actually going to fuck me?” She whimpered. Her voice was desperate and cracked over at the end. 

I placed my hands on her hips, forcing her to sway her back bend over in the bed. I settled myself behind her ass pointing upwards completely exposed to me as she was bending over in front of my body. I leaned forwards and kissed gently down her spine as she pushed her ass back to touch the tip of my cock. 

“Not yet.” I told her as my hands found her boobs hanging from her chest. 

I twisted her nipples between my fingers as she whimpered arched her back to cope with the tension she was feeling. I grabbed her inner thighs, my fingernails sinking into her skin, as I spread her legs apart and exposed her pussy entirely.  

“Please Shawn. Don’t be such a tease.” She begged in a whimper. “I want to feel your cock.” 

“You’re sexy as fuck. I can’t stop looking at you.” 

“You can look later, okay? Just get to fucking work.” She hissed back at me. 

I rolled my eyes at her as I rested my palm on her sweaty back. Without giving her a warning, I pressed myself into her in a hard move. She whimpered while I slid in deeper and filled her out. She was tight, a perfect form for my dick.  

Arching her back, she pushed her ass further against to hips to meet another of my thrust into her slippery core. 

“Fuck, Shawn. Yes!” she cried as I bucked my hips and slipped in deeper.

“Shit, you’re fucking tight.”

“Fuck Shawn, you’re so big.” She whimpered at the pleasure pain she was feeling. 

I slowed down my moves as I kissed the top of her ass carefully while she adjusted herself to my cock. She used a few slow thrust to get used to the feeling of my cock inside her.  

“Better?”  

“Much.” 

I started moving in and out of her again, slowly at first then adding more speed to the pace of my thrusts. My hands gripped tightly around her inner thighs as I pushed her to meet my slams, wanting to fill out as much of her as possible.  

“Harder, Shawn. I can handle harder.” She moaned, her head tilting back to look my way. 

Her face was red, pearls of sweat where sticking to her forehead and her mouth was gaping wide open. 

She was insanely beautiful; even with messy hair, falling into her eyes, sweat dripping down her naked body and those red cheeks.

My eyes lingered at her for a couple of seconds as I felt my heart increase slightly. I let my hand slide up and down her bare back as a smile escaped from her heated face. 

“You’re just so fucking breath-taking.” I told her, biting into my bottom lip. 

After spending a couple of seconds admiring her body, I remembered her begging words and picked up the pace. Her entire body moved as I fucked her roughly from behind, her boobs bouncing, her ass vibrating, her thighs trembling. 

I forced my hand under her stomach and used my thumb to add more pleasure to her high as I continued to fuck her roughly. Arching her back, I heard a few swear words slipped from her panting mouth as her entire body began to shake. 

I felt her pussy tightly around my cock, slipping perfectly along to my slams as we shared a groan whenever I hit all the right spots inside her. 

“Fuck, Shawn. I ca-can’t much longer.” She cried out as I filled her out perfectly.  

I pushed myself as deep into her as possible and then I stopped moving. I attached my mouth to her the curve of her ass, kissing her lower back as I twisted and turned my cock inside of her. 

I leaned back to sit on the bed as she followed along and was now sitting on my lap with her back towards my chest. Her hands reached back and she forced her fingers roughly into my hair to tug my head to the side. 

My hands moved to her chest and my palms covered her boobs entirely as she began moving again. Throwing my head back, I felt her ass move against my thighs as she picked up the pace and left me whimpering. 

“Fuck, I’m about to cum.” I cried in her ear, attaching my lips to her sticky neck.

She placed both her hands on my thighs, riding me harder and faster and I felt her entire body bounce from her quick yet rough movements on my cock. As she cracked her hips slightly, we both reached our bursting point. 

Riding our high, her fingernails dug desperately into my thighs and sent a pain through my body. 

“God Shawn.” She moaned as I released inside of her in a loud groan. 

I pushed her head to the side and exposed her lips to mine. Attaching them together and panting into each other’s mouth, I felt my load drip from her wet and well-fucked pussy. 

It forced a smile to appear on my lips. 

Riding the last of our orgasms, we both collapsed on the bed beside each other; eyes shut, hearts pounding and gasping desperately for air. I spend a few minutes gaining back somewhat strength to open my eyes again. 

She was lying beside me, her hair sticking to her neck and her body fully exposed to my eyes. She was covered in hickeys from my mouth wandering wild and trails from my nails digging into her skin. I couldn’t help but smile at the sight. 

I let my fingers stroke her damp cheek as she opened her tired eyes and looked at mine. A tiny but exhausted smile ran across her lips. She kissed the tip of my finger as it ran over her trembling mouth. 

“Can you believe this actually happened?” I asked her. 

“Not really. I feel like I’ve been giving you signs for years and… nothing.” She laughed back, shaking her head lightly. 

“I know.” I leaned forwards to kiss her warm lips. “You know I need to rethink everything at least a hundred times.” 

“Well, I’m glad you finally came around then.” She joked as her fingers brushed my arm. Her eyes flickered around the room as she bit her bottom lip. 

“What?” I asked her, lifting her chin with my thumb to meet her stare. 

“Do you regret it?” She asked and my heart dropped to my guts. 

I lowered my head to allow my nose tip to stroke her cheek softly while my hands searched for hers underneath the covers. I wrapped my fingers around hers and let my thumb stroke her knuckles. I nipped to her lips a few times before finding her stare again. 

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this. For you.” I told her as I moved my head closer to her face. “There’s no way I could ever regret this.”

I stared into her eyes as I leaned towards her and kissed her naked shoulder, my fingers still wrapped around hers. My nose brushed lightly back and forth her sweaty skin as my mouth planted a few sweet kisses on her chest.

“Me either.” She whispered back, shyly. 

I had never seen her like this before – completely emotionally exposed - but I liked that she finally let down her guards. She usually never did. 

We stared at each other for a while, embracing and stroking each other, our lips nipping to each other once in a while.

“Shawn?” 

“Yeah?”  

“Say it first.” 

“What?”

“Can you say it first?” She asked me. “I need to hear you say it first. If you actually do, then say it first.”

I tilted my head towards her as I took in the expression on her sweaty still heated face. Her eyes gave her away within seconds and I suddenly understood her strange outburst. 

“You know I do, right? I always have.” 

I knew she had been burned before, I’ve watched her fall apart in front of me, but I wasn’t aware of how much pain it - apparently - had cost her. How deep the scars had apparently cut into her. 

“I guess, I just need to hear you say it...”

“I’m crazy about you. I always have been. I want to be with you, y/n.” I told her, my fingers removing tots of messy hair from her face. “And I won’t hurt you. I promise.” 

The relief on her face from hearting those words made a slight nag appear in my chest. The fact that she needed to hear me promise her, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, meant she had been burned badly before. 

Someone had left obvious traces on her heart that she was still trying to somehow mend. I wondered how anyone could ever hurt something as beautiful as her. 

“I want to be with you too, Shawn” she smiled back to me. “I think I’ve always just loved you.”

And though I had always seen her as the bold one, I knew she was risking her heart by saying those words aloud to me. And in that moment, I realised, she had never given those words to anyone but me. She had saved those words for me and I had saved them for her. Entirely. 

The Eyebrow

I recently quit my job. For most of you, this sounds like a fairly normal thing. I mean, if you’ve ever had more than one job, there are only two ways to not be doing the first one: quitting or being fired. Of course there is the secret third option of faking your death and traveling to the cayman islands, but a prerequisite in “evil mastermind” is required there. For me, this was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When I gave my two weeks notice I thought I was going to die. I was sweating like a cornered nun, and at one point I forgot to breath and quickly ran out of air. The  truth  behind the unreasonable terror, the reason I nearly blacked out when telling an airpod adorned millennial I was done? I have an anxiety disorder. Shocking I know! Who would have guessed right? Until a few years ago, I certainly didn’t. I always thought that everyone hated their birthdays, dreading every single sleepover or dinner. I thought everyone would cry for months as they went to bed at the prospect of getting a shot. To be specific, I have a generalized anxiety disorder, with a very high probability that I also have obsessive compulsive disorder as well. I only got diagnosed with anxiety this last January, but only out of necessity. For those unaware of what it is like, you probably have some ridiculous caricature of what mental illness looks like. To be fair, I do things that are quite silly or odd, but that is more of a me thing than anything else. When approaching a teacher for a question, you will probably see me leaning back as I walk, looking extremely uncomfortable like a cartoon thief about to be caught.  But mostly the things my anxiety and OCD make me do are quiet. I used to get up in the middle of the night to re-count my pages for my running start classes. I sometimes get an eyebrow twitch. That happened mostly when I developed a crush on a classmate last year. Because God forbid I act cool one time. Upon seeing him enter class I would have to hold it down lest it fly right off my face. It was real bad when he wore a suit to school. My poor, emotionally unstable brain couldn’t handle all that class. I stared at the table and was unable to think of any coherent thought other than “i like bird” for a good 15 minutes. I plan everything out by time, including my job. I have that down to a tee. If you asked me what I would be doing at 8:24 I would be able to tell you. I do garbage at 8:30, so I would be restocking the coolers out front or the back coolers. I save the restocking of  the condiments for after  9:30 because that is after when I clean the bathrooms. I have so much free time because I have every single task assigned a time. I did that on my own, I was given only vague guidelines when training for the job. So I figured everything out on my own. And my old boss loved it, in fact he hired me because of it. In my interview he asked if I was the little girl who would always come in and color code the mentos by the  register. I had been doing that since I was 10.

 My anxiety has gotten worse as I have gotten older, and I eventually had to go on medication. That was in January as I said earlier. In the beginning of December I was quite happy. Then one night after work, I felt a bit nervous. If I didnt fall asleep right then and there I would get only 7 hours and 34 minutes of sleep. If I slept in I would not like how little of the day  I would have left, but if I got up right at the 7 hours 33 minutes (every second I am awake is ticking down!!) I would be very tired, and how productive will I be if i'm so tired??  At 2 in the morning I was still awake. In a slow burn panic attack, I calmly got up, walked to the bathroom, and promptly threw up. Funnily enough, I was super calm, thinking to myself “that was the best darn puke I’ve ever had!”. The next few days were weird, because the nausea never quite left me. I get nauseous when I am having anxiety, but I thought I was sick. So I panicked. I felt worse. I stopped eating as much. I couldnt sleep. I ate what I could because that is what I would do as a kid. I felt worse. I threw up. Repeat. After 3 weeks of this, I had lost 10 pounds and was on the verge of a break down. Then the straw that broke the sleep deprived camel's back came in the terrifying form of a P.E. bag. The start of Christmas break was two days away, and I was running on no sleep, and little to no food. I got unto the bus after a huge physics test. As soon as I sat down I dropped the bag. Cut to 3 seconds later- I cant find my bag  and immediately assume I left it in the class. So in a panic I hop off the bus before it pulls out of the school and look for it. Realizing my mistake when I do not find it, I walk home. Walking in a daze I hoped that my little sister had grabbed it. I got home. I asked if she had grabbed the bag. Replying with an eloquent: “what?” my world dissolved. I then promptly broke down and began to sob big, sad tears while my poor confused father tried to comfort me. I then missed the next day, sick to my stomach, shaking, and once again in tears. That was the day that my 3rd period class won an ice cream party. It was then decided that I should see the doctor. We got in a few days later, and I needed a blood test to make sure that nothing else was at play. If anything else hadn’t proved beyond a doubt that I had anxiety, my reaction to getting my blood drawn did. Shaking like a chihuahua doing the ice bucket challenge, I fought off tears as my mom held my gray hands. Fun fact: that can happen when your body goes into such a state of panic that your blood vessels retract into your body! Fun right? Anyhoo, a few weeks later and I began my medication. 

Obviously I still have issues. I double check all the locks before bed, and I eat the same foods for lunch every week at school. I turn on all the radios in the house when I’m alone because serial killers only attack when it is quiet. The time thing hasnt gone away, and honestly I’m getting a little tired of having a paranoid conspiracy theorist living in my brain. The meds helps a lot, by giving him a fidget spinner to play with so he  talks less. But he loves to make me question things. Like, did I really did put my phone in my pocket 10 seconds ago? I mean, do I specifically remember it? No? Better panic an absurd amount before checking it! My mom even mentions the word ‘dentist’ and he runs around screaming clanging cymbals like a bat out of hell. The really crazy thing is that no one realises when he is doing this. Growing up no knowing what a panic attack was, I know how to ‘hide’ them really well. They still happen, and honestly hiding them feels worse because doing that makes me physically ill. Telling people is weird too. I told a friend that I was going to therapy, and the end result was me fighting off the urge to cover my face with my hands. Not because it was horribly ignorant or shocking, I could feel my eyebrow starting up. She basically asked if I really needed therapy, and suggested investing in a fuzzy blanket. The stereotypes for mental illness make it really hard to know when you have a problem. Because people can’t see it, it makes it harder to explain that no, it really is that difficult. Do I like holding an apple core in my lap for an hour? No. But getting up feels so much scarier than looking weird. Going to therapy or being on medication is not something that ‘crazy’ people do. It’s what people do. Full stop.

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

Nobody tells me what to do. (Sashea) - billciphereyes

I’m back with another Sashea fanfic that took me much longer than expected to write!

My attempt at Sashea smut based on a heckler telling Shea “No Ma'am” during War on the Catwalk when Shea was asked who she would hook up with and she proceeded to hit on Sasha. In this, Shea is still pissed at the guy by the time they get back to the hotel and Sasha has to try to calm her down. It (kinda) works but Shea takes out all of her pent up anger on totally dominating Sasha. In this story, both of them are single and don’t have boyfriends. As in my last fic, Sasha goes by She/her in and out of drag and will be referred to as such. Don’t get used to me posting this often, because college and I will have a crazy schedule for the first few weeks. Until I figure out how to time manage, my writing time/ ideas will be limited. Postive/constructive comments are welcome!

After the show was over for the night and all the fans had left, the Queens were allowed to go back to their hotel rooms. After showering the rest of her makeup off, Sasha practically collapsed onto the bed. She loved touring and meeting her fans, but was frequently left exhausted at the end of every show. She got on her phone and started scrolling through social media. It was a ritual for her, something relaxing to calm her down and help her get ready to go to bed. As she was looking at her Twitter, her phone buzzed.

Shea: “Hey, can you come to my room? I need a Sasha hug.”

Sasha was slightly confused. Shea would normally come knocking at her hotel room at all hours for whatever reason, most recently at 3 in the morning to show Sasha a ridiculous meme that apparently couldn’t wait until a more decent time. Never had he asked her to come to his room. Nonetheless Sasha got up, grabbed her room key, found a pair of flip-flops, and walked across the hallway to what she knew to be Shea’s room. He opened the door as soon as she knocked, pulled her in the room, and embraced her, shutting the door with his hand. “Baby, what’s wrong?” She asked, wrapping her arms around him as well. He didn’t answer her at first, but continued to hold her in the small hallway of the room. After a moment or two, he spoke up. “I’m just so mad about what happened tonight.” He whispered. At first, Sasha was confused, then she remembered. During the Q and A part of the show, Shea had been asked if she would ever hook up with another Drag Queen, to which she proceeded to ask Sasha about her evening plans in a very sexual way. The fans ate it up, except for one heckler who screamed “No Ma'am!” at her. Shea then tried to take her jacket off to fight whoever said it, failing miserably, and then sat back down. To the fans who were watching, it would look like another adorable “Sashea” moment like the ones that happened frequently over social media. But Sasha could tell that Shea was genuinely annoyed just from her eyes when they caught hers on stage. But now, as Sasha watched angry tears run down Shea’s face, she realized just how much the comment affected her sweet friend.  "I know we haven’t been famous that long, but you should know by now not to let those kind of people affect you.“ She told him, moving one of her hands to wipe away some of his tears. Shea sighed. "I know, and had it been just directed at me, I would have been ok. But since it was directed at you as well, I’m not ok with it.” Sasha stared at him. She couldn’t explain it, but when he said that, butterflies started flying in her stomach. He must have interpreted her face as confusion, because he continued. “ I mean, the statement could be interpreted In anyway you want, but I see it in one of two ways, either I’m not good enough for you, or you’re not good enough for me, neither of which I’m ok with. "He said. "Because you mean so much to me Sasha, so, so, much to me, and the fact that someone has the nerve to suggest in anyway that you’re less than amazing makes me so mad.” Shea said, visibly shaking. Sasha felt tears running down her own face, in shock about what she had just heard. She knew she should say something, but she didn’t know what to say. “ For what it’s worth, I think the world of you too”. She heard herself say. “And I hate seeing you cry just because of a hater”. “ Oh, it’s not JUST him Sasha, It’s every single "fan” that thinks they can bully other Queens just because their favorite went home. Every single person that hides behind a computer screen and talks trash. It’s not right!“ He sobbed. "I know Boo, but those people don’t know the real you, and the real you is so beautiful and caring, and if they can’t see that, then it’s their loss.” She said, stroking his cheek. “ people are mean, and you’ve got to rise above the pettiness and continue to shine like the star you are.” “I know.” He said. “It’s just just hard to remain calm when a hater appears in person and yells at you. Even more so when you’re talking about some one you love.” Sasha felt her heart skip a beat at his words. “He loves me. Shea loves me.” She replayed in her head. She and Shea had told each other that they loved each other before, but this felt different, It felt like it expanded beyond just friends, and God did that sound good to Sasha. But right now, she realized she needed to calm him down in some way. “It’s a good thing there was something separating you two, otherwise you would have killed the guy.” She said in a lame attempt at a joke. He smiled. “Gurl you know it!” They laughed until Sasha’s stomach hurt. When they caught their breath, their eyes met. The tenderness in which he looked at her made her knees feel weak. His hand reached out to cup her cheek and used his thumb to stroke her. As if by instinct, her lips puckered. She blushed, but silently begged Shea to kiss her. He smiled, then leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. Sasha gasped, giving Shea room to explore her mouth with his tongue. Arms pulled each other closer, allowing Sasha to feel Shea’s erection against her own. She moaned into his mouth, leaning into him, barely able to support herself. Shea pulled back, and Sasha saw a spark in his eyes before she felt her feet leave the ground, gravity pulling her flip-flops back down. She shreaked as Shea walked deeper into the room, stopping at the side of the bed before unceremoniously dumping Sasha onto it. Shea stood by the side of the bed, staring into Sasha’s eyes with a deep intensity, a look that she had never seen in anyones eyes before. As she watched, Shea reached out and took off her glasses, making things a little blurrier. He placed them on the night stand, then walked over to what Sasha assumed was his suitcase. She couldn’t see what he was doing, but she had a pretty good idea. Sure enough, when he walked back over, He had a box of condoms and a bottle of lube in his hands. The meer sight of the objects made Sasha moan again. He placed them next to her glasses, then got on the bed himself, strattling Sasha’s hips. He leaned down so that He could kiss her again. “Are you ok with this?” he asked aginst her lips. “Yes.” She breathed. “Take me. I’m all yours.” Shea smiled into the kiss, then left her mouth to plant soft kisses on her cheeks, her chin, under her jawline, and on her neck. Every single time his lips touched her skin, shivers went through her and goosebumps appered. She didn’t think she could feel more beautiful, then another kiss was planted. Shea began to bite at her neck, hard. Sasha let out a strangled cry, pleasure mostly overriding the pain. She imagined hickies all up and down her neck in the morning and the other Queens not having to work very hard to put two and two together, but she didn’t care. The animalistic idea of marking something as ones own, of Shea marking Sasha as his own was such a turn on. Shea began taking their shirts off, first his, then Sasha’s. The kisses contuned, trailing down her boy chest. Sasha tangled her fingers in Shea’s hair, only to have him remove them and place them back at her sides, the look in his eyes begging her not to move. He went back to kissing her, progressively getting closer to the part that made her male, which she was very much aware of at the the moment. She watched as Shea paused, his fingers tucked underneath the waistband of Sasha’s pants. His eyes flicked up to meet hers, and he must have seen the desperation in her eyes, because he promptly yanked her pants down, leaving her completely naked. Sasha couldnt help but blush, but Shea didnt notice, he was too busy staring. He kissed the very tip of her member, licking up the drops that had aready leaked out. Sasha let out a soft moan as his tongue moved all around the tip, screwing up the bedsheets in her hands. Shea looked up at her, smirked, then took all of her in his mouth. Sasha gasped, which made Shea chuckle, causing more vibrations to go up her spine. He licked, sucked, and hummed until Sasha was a shaking mess under him. She wanted to stroke his cheek, tangle her fingers in his hair, reciprocate his touch in some way, but she knew that he would just move her hands again. “Damm his stubbornness.” She thought to herself. Suddenly, he released her, sitting up. He looked her straight in her eyes as he took off his own pants, giving Sasha a brief glance at his own erection before flipping her over on her stomach. She heard the distinctive sound of a cap opening before a lube-covered finger entered her. She gasped loudly, feeling that pleasure/pain combo that she loved. Shea began thrusting his finger in and out of her, trying to open her up while pressing kisses against her back. A second finger soon entered her, followed up by a third. Sasha was moaning into the pillow, trembling as each thrust sent shockwaves through her body.  She felt his fingers leave her, then heard a lot of indistinguishable noises before the clear sound of a wrapper  opening rang throught the room. A moan of anticipation left her lips, knowing what was coming next. Shea helped Sasha to her hands and knees before kneeling behind her, the tip of him pressed up against her entrance. His hands grabbed her sides before slowly pushing himself in. Sasha and Shea gasped in unison, and Sasha felt tears well up in her eyes. Unable to find any words, she motioned for him to wait. He did, stroking her back gently until she thought she was ready, so she motioned for him to go ahead. The first few thrusts hurt, they usually did, but the pleasure soon overtook her, especially when he found the sensitive bundle of nerves that caused her to moan even deeper. And him, the noises he was making were so beautiful, it turned her on even more. As he picked up the pace, Sasha could feel his sweat drip onto her back, she knew most people would find it gross, but she loved it, loved the rawness of it. She felt a hand wrap around her member and start stroking it, causing Sasha to become almost overwelmed with not only pleasure, but love. Love for Shea, for the man who got so upset at the very notion of her being subpar to anyone else, who loved her for who she was, and who she loved back with such ferocity it hurt. It was just so freaking beautiful, the way two people could find each other and want to be close. It was even more beautiful when those two people decided that they were more than friends. She came hard, letting out a half scream half cry, and just barely avoided collapsing. Shea came moments after, Shaking like crazy. After he pulled out and got rid of the condom, they laid next to each other, Shea stroking Sasha’s arm and Sasha playing with Shea’s hair. “Hey Sasha?” Shea asked after a few moments.  " Yeah Babe? “ She replied, feeling a little sleepy. ” I love you. “ Sasha’s eyes shot open, her heart was pounding again. ” I mean, I’m not just saying that because we just had amazing sex, I actually love you, I’ve loved you for a while now And I guess it just now came to the surface. I…“ "Shea , it’s ok.” She told him, grabbing his free hand. “ I love you too. More than you’ll ever know. ” He smiled at her, then pulled her closer and kissed her.  They jumped apart when a phone went off several times in a row. Sasha crawled over to where her pants had been dumped and pulled out her phone before going back over to Shea. She had three text messages.

Trinity: “ You know the walls here are paper-thin, right?”

Farrah: “ It’s about damm time you and Shea hooked up, good for you gurl! ”

Eureka: “Gurl what is Shea doing to you in there?”

“Oh no!” Groaned Sasha, showing Shea her phone. Shea laughed as Sasha covered her face with her hands. “Why? Why couldn’t they leave it alone?” “ Because they’re Drag Queens and they’re obsessed with gossip and our sex lifes.” Shea said, rubbing her side. “We’re never going to hear the end of this, are we?” “ No way, Babe. The moment we step outside we’ll be bombarded with "I told you so’s”  Shea said, pulling her hands away from her face and gently kissing her. Sasha gave herself over to the kiss, every single inch of her loving his touch. It seemed like only seconds had passed before Sasha’s phone went off again. She groaned into his lips before breaking apart and grabbing her phone.

Alexis: “You sure showed that one guy from tonight!”

Sasha and Shea burst into laughter at the same time. “ We did show him who’s boss tonight, didn’t we?” Sasha asked with a giant smile on her face. “ Damm right we did!” Shea said, pulling Sasha closer and stroking her face. “Nobody tells Shea Coulee what to do.”

Promise

Summary: Bucky has always thought he was damned to never find his soulmate, Etkatrina always thought she was damned to walk the earth alone forever. Apart these two have had a cursed existence, but together maybe they came finally see how one word can mean such an unbreakable bond.

Warnings: depictions of torcher 

A/N: This gets deep fast, trust me @lovelynemesis

Chapter one:

The quinn jet had an alomst pallable tension as the team crossed the sokovian borders. Bucky reconized this and instantly knew the team had been thrown back into the fight with Ultron. It seemed as if they were competley hollow inside,  but as time passed he began to pick up the old soviet bounderies he was forced to learn and quickly guessed they were quickly approching the base along the outskirts of Moskow. As shaken as the team was with the wounds barly healed over from sokovia and the mending wounds from the recent civil war, both physical and emotional, he knew this wasn't going to be an easy mission for anybody, especially since they were dealing with Hydra.

 Landing the jet, it seemed was the easiest part, because once landed the team sat  frozen in their seats, unwilling to move. It wasn't until Steve stepped foward, that the tense atmostphere began to fade into one of determination. " Avengers". The word rung through the quinn jet, an alomst forgein term to the team now. Everyone turned thier atteition to Steve, giving him the floor. Steve took his time looking at everyone of his teammates before taking a deep breath. 

" Our mission is simple. Get in. Free any captives. Destroy the base. Get out. Panther, Widow, and Hawkeye will take the south entrance. Scarlett , Ant Man, and Vison will take the west entrance. Spidey, Iron man and the Iron patriot will cover the east entrance. Falcon, Soldier and I will take north. Go in head strong and rendezvous here" he said pointing at the main room where the electrocution chair was. When he found it Bucky would take great pleasure in reducing it to scrap metal. That machine had caused him to lose too much of his life. He refuse to lose anymore.  Looking to the group one more time Steve sent the a subtle nod, and turned to unstrap his shied.  " Avengers, take'em down."

It worried him, how quiet  the base seemed. The halls seemed to have been neglected for some time now, dust covering everything , as if this place hadn't been touched in years. This on top of the years of wear and tear lead bucky to believe this place really was abandoned. " Cap, this place seems a little empty" Hawkeye said over the coms. "Yeah capsicle, this place is deserted" Tony put in. " Indeed,  further exploreation of the base may not yeild any conclusive  results Captain Rodgers , No one is here." Vison added. Bucky looked to Steve for any new orders but Steve just shook his head. He had a hunch.  " Tony run a full scan of this place. Look for any hidden passages or secret entrences we can't pick up  from here." It took a moment for Tony's  reply but as usual Steve's hunch was correct. 

" SouthEast corridor Cap, near Widow, Panther, and Hawkeye. Theres an elevator switch hidden behind an old portrait. the elevators behind the bookcase." Suddenly there was laughter over the com units. " Could Hydra be a little less cliche. " Falcon snorted. Steve's face went from a smile to sullen. " They are expecting us." The unit went silent. " How" ,Hawkeye inquired, " We didn't even know we were going to be here until this morning durning the breifing?" Bucky's eyes narrowed at the sudden movement down the hall, and glared as the shadow began to take form. 

"Steve, we have company". He whispered, pulling his pistols from the hidden holsters. That's when all hell broke loose. Bullets tore through the air, percing the silence that had once consumed the base. Ricocheting off the walls a bullet managed to lodge itself in his shoulder. A small grunt a pain escaped his lips, but that was all the acknowlagement he allowed himself to give the wound. Pain was just an illusion, a self preservatory defense the body concived as part of the fight or flight responce.  He shut it down in his mind  putting aside all thoughts of the wound, and pushed forward opening up with three sharp recise shots, each finding there victim with percise accuracy. 

" We need to get to that elevator." Steve shouted, while simotainously battling with two hydra soldiers. Bucky looked to Falcon who gave him a nod, signaling him to help Steve. The trio faught thier way to the southeastern wing of the base, while somehow miraculously managing to maintain minimal injuries. When they reunited with the rest of the avengers, they quickly assesed the state of each teammate, and upon deciding no one had any life threating injuries, proceeded to activate the elevator.

Etkatrina had never seen her gaurds so paniced. Thier movments were ridged, and they continueously paced  the halls, wary of every movment or sound. They had accumilated a thin layer of sweat above thier brow, and could not for the life of them stay still. Not that she could blame them with the sounds of gunshots and screams of pain  ringing throughout compound above them. It wasn't until she heard the sound of the elevator coming down, did she allow a sliver of hope to rest upon her heart. The moment the elvator came to a stop her gaurds took aim at the strangers. 

They moved as quick as lightning. Flashes of blue, red, black, and gold crossed her vison, but in her drug indued state she could barly make out thier forms. From what she could gather, thier were twelve of them, a team of people obviously well endowed with gifts that allowed them to work well together in combat. So it did not suprise her that they were quick to dispatch all the gaurds on her cell block. When the sounds of gunshots and screams of the gaurds ceiced, she knew the battle was over. What felt like an eternity later, a woman with the most vibrant red hair came to the window of her cell door and gave a small gasp. " Cap you might want to see this." Etkatrina could hear the shuffle of footsteps coming towards her cell door, and suddenly the scent of blood overwlemed her. She let out a shriek as the scent hit her throat and burned away her senses. The footsteps froze. Suddenly a laughter was heard in the hall

. " You think freeing her is a good idea. You have no idea what she is." The fallen gaurd croaked, his face forming a cruel smile as blood dribbled from his lips. There was a single gunshot heard followed by a strangled chocking sound, then a thump. " Buck, was that really neccessary" She faintly heard the one they call Cap complain. There was a small grunted, followed by a sigh from the Captain. The brillant red headed woman opened the door to her cell, and slowly made her way next to Etkatrina, careful of her every move. " She's bound and muzzled, lacerations to the  ankles and wrists, badly brusied everywhere else. Cap, I should be able to...." Etkatrina watched as the woman because speechless at the sight of her mark, her eyes growing wide in disbelief. "Steve". The woman yelled turning back towards the door. 

A man entered the room upon the summance. Most of his face was disorianted but she could clearly make out the symbol on his chest. She understood the Cap refrence now. The man that stood before her now was none other than Captain America. "What is it, Natasha"  The red head, or Natasha as she had just learned, gently unbound her wrist and showed it to the Captain. Etkatrina watched as a smile slowly crept upon his face until it was a full blown grin. " I told him" was the only words he spoke before leaving the room. Natasha smiled down at her while she stroked her hair, and whispered the words Etkatrina had wanted to hear her entire existance. " He's here. He came for you."

Bucky couldnt beleive it, that any of it was real as the truth struck him. After all these years, there she was just beyond that door. Bucky looked at Steve for reassurence, and Steve gave him a small nod telling him it was okay, that he wasn't dreaming. Coming back to himself, he took cautious steps as he made his way into the cell. The sight before him both made his heart swell, and crushed his soul. His body tensed as his mind tried to digest the scene before him. There she lay, his chosen, bound like wounded animal. That itself was enough to enrage him, but what set him off was the muzzle, one just like he had been forced to wear. The moment he saw it, it sent him reeling back to his time as the brainwashed assasin. Faces flew acrossed his memory, each one reopening wounds he had worked so hard to close, each scar hurting  worse than the day the wounds were inflicted.  Without comprehending his movments, he stalked up to her and deafly unfastened the muzzle of shocking both Natasha and his chosen. He bent down to her level and finished undoing all her bindings, unable to see her like this, like he had been so many times before. It was then he noticed the tiny dots covering her arms, Injection sights. It was the only probable dedution. He followed the trail of dots down all the way to her right wrist, and gently traced he elegent scrawl of her mark with his thumb.

 " I'm sorry" he whispered to her in a deaf tone, one so quiet only she could hear. It was the only thing he could say to her. The only thing that mattered was that she understood how sorry he was for letting her go through this, for not getting here sooner. But the moment was ruined the second the scent of his blood hit her. Once again she shrieked, but recoiled from him grasping at her throat in a vain attempted to rid herself of the flames that licked at her throat. Her eyes narrowed at the sight of the wound on his shoulder, and she tried her best not to inhale through her nose anymore. " Knock me out" she croaked to him her eyes pleading with him to comply. T

o say he seemed shocked was an understatement. " What? NO!" he argued unable to comprehend why she would say such a thing. He went to move closer, to comfort her in her pain but she moved further away from him. " If you don't knock me out, then i'm giong to hurt you" she rasped the burning in her throat intensifing at the close range of her chosen. Her eyes flashed red and he recoiled in surprise. She knew her hunger was getting the best of her, but she didn't know how long she could fight it off. " Please, I promise you wont hurt me" she pleaded. He looked at her closely noticing the way her face contorted in pain. Bucky blew a deep breath from his nose, and reached up to lay a soft kiss againt her forhead. 

Trusting her judgment, he lent forward and whispered. " Close your eyes." not being able to stand the thought of what he was about to do. She did as she was told, and in a few seconds she went limp in his arms. He picked her up bridal style, cradling her agaist his chest and carried her out to meet the others. He looked to Natasha in obvious distress, guilt for his action clearly displayed. " You did the right thing, she was in pain and we don't know what she's capable of yet. If she believed she was dangerous, then we did what was best in following her wishes" Her words did little to comfort him but it eased his mind for the moment.

" Does any body else feel as if this was way too easy" Falcon asked as they begin to exit the compound. Hawkeye groaned and turned to Sam. " Don't make me shoot you Bird Boy, you never say that on a mission." Tony laughed at the pair. " Come on guys Sams probably just....." But Tony never got to finish his sentence because in that moment an explotion with the intensity of two suns, shook the entire compound.

Assuming you had a nerve injury, the truth is: it can be healed, but it's not that simple and is gonna take some time. Usually either the myelin sheath is intact, and the nerve regrows by itself, or it is not, and you need surgery to plug the fragments together. Look for "Seddon's classification" on the internet, and DEMAND your doctor and surgeon for explanations about YOUR specific case! They owe it to you!

Hello Anon.So allow me to explain. I’ve actually had surgery already. I had surgery on my L4-L5 and had a microdiscectomy (? Fuck if I spelled that right). And laminectomy (and again with spelling)

I will list it out as follows in chronological order as best as I can and as far as I understand what they tried to tell me. This is going to get very long, VERY graphic and Very personal and this is when anyone should stop reading if you don’t like hearing about bodily functions.

Late October 2015—– help friend paint house. Inside and nothing too taxing not even a lot of bending or twisting. Have to stop part way through because I start to feel pain in lower back. Figure its sciataca. Go home and rest never get better.

November 18th 2015—- evening—– I go into ER because I still have pain and my feet feel slightly tingly and that concerned me. Spend two hours in ER so I can spend ten minutes with a Doctor who tells me it’s just sciatica and it will go away with rest. This was after I inform him of the tingly and the fact that it’s been going on for more than 2 weeks. Doesn’t matter it’s sciatica and I’m ushered out with directions to take it easy. I still remember this doctors last name. I have committed it to memory because if I ever find out that everything I went through could have been avoided by him actually paying attention to my words and not my appearance then I will sue him into the ground.

February 11th 2016.——- after spending 3 months in ever growing pain I go schedule an appt with a doctor (GP) who listens to me. To my list of symptoms I have added problems holding my bladder, (ive pretty much begun wearing adult diapers almost constantly by this point) not being able to poop, (ready and willing but couldn’t actually push anything beyond my asshole). This doctor knew my financial situation and prescribed me the cheapest thing for nerve pain he could (just in case) (gabepentin= which fuck me Christ is not cheap) and sent me for an x-ray. (covered under my insurance. Nothing else was) I go take the x-ray, then fill my perscriptions and go home to wait for results. I take ONE pill to help me hopefully sleep.

February 12th 2016 —— PART ONE—— When I do wake I wake up to having lost all sensation in my lower body. I manage to stand, and because i cant feel anything i look at the ground to watch my steps (Yes I could still walk I just couldnt feel it. Its disconcerting and frightening feeling I don’t wish on anyone) I take one step and get to watch in horror as my entire bladder voids itself and I feel nothing. So I stand in pain, crying because I’m 26 years old and I just uncontrollably wet myself. When I finally stop crying I call the doctor to ask if its a reaction to the meds. He says not likely go to the ER. I call the bf at work tell him I will talk to his brother/current roommate about dropping me at the ER when the brother gets off work. (Earlier than the bf who can’t afford to miss work.)

——PART TWO and February 13 th—— I don’t usually eat breakfast. When I called the doctor and was told go to the ER then I knew no food. I refuse to eat anything if I know I’m going to a hospital. I want them to be able to take any blood they need to when they need to. Its a habit and as far as I’m concerned a good one. So I go to the exact same ER as I did in Nov. I tell them my problems. I’m triaged, wait for an hour or so and I’m ushered into a room in the ER and I spend the night on my side in the fetal position filling out paperwork for emergency financial aid just in case. I get told I need an MRI and that I will be transferred to another hospital for it because while they have a machine they don’t have a doctor on call who can tell me exactly what’s wrong. So I get in an ambulance because they REFUSE to let me leave any other way. I go to the second hospital and by now it’s Saturday and around 3 or 4 am.

I don’t remember exactly when but I do know that some time around midnight my boyfriend had quietly said “Happy Birthday Honey” Did I mention that February 13th is my birthday. It is. So it’s my 27th birthday and I’m in the ER of Kaiser Downey medical center at 5 am in the morning after getting an MRI and I’m being told that I’m going to go in for emergency surgery because the whole, no-feeling, uncontrollable-peeing, can’t-quite-shit, crank-it-to-11-boys-pain that I have* is being caused by something called Cauda Equine and oopsies that’s not as fun as it sounds and it needs to be fixed.

I spent the next 4 days in the hospital recovering. I met with a physical therapist and had a session in the hospital that consisted of me walking with a walker and then going up and down a mini set of stairs. The therapist said I shouldn’t really need long ERM or even short term sessions I was pretty good and from what he could see I did okay on stairs if a little unsteady. I got to go home on the 17th. A day later my cat gave birth on the bed next to me as if to say your home now so I can do this.

——-NOW AND SINCE THE SURGERY——-

I still have to wear a diaper. 6 weeks with a walker turned into just under a year but I still use a cane and still need the walker for bad days. I go up and down the equivalent of a flight of stairs a day and more walking as well. I don’t use a cane in the house I just hobble along. I still have numbness in the saddle area and the outside of my feet. I used the paid. Meds from surgery and the staple removal. It was 300 pills I weaned myself and made them last until the new year because I didn’t like the idea of potential addiction.

I’m in pain in my lower back every day and what feeling I do have in my feet makes them feel like too much sausage in too little casing the more active I am the more pain, the more selling and the energy I have no longer fades gradually but rushes away from me exponentially. And if i shift wrong, move wrong or sometimes sneeze wrong my entire calf charley horses and soezes. I know it could be worse and I’m thankful it isn’t. But I can’t work in the only field I have experience in (food srvice and hospitality) even though the government delusionally thinks I can. I also pee when I sneeze.

In all honesty if it wasn’t for my cats and more so for the love of a man whom I cannot ever begin to thank for all he has done I probably wouldn’t have cared to keep living. I wouldn’t have committed suicide but I wouldn’t have cared about living either. I can’t physically jump, I’m afraid to drive, I can barely clean myself my cats and my home. I can’t work I don’t contribute and it kills me.

And at the heart of it and the very root of it all I can think is how long was it being pushed on. How much damage was done. Could the November doctor have done something to prevent needing surgery at all

I was also really sad to have to see Deadpool a month late

Bride Is Gang-Raped on Wedding Day, Groom Dies 8 Months LaterBut Nobody Could Prepare Her for What God Had in Store Next

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It isnt often that you hear of a bride not showing up for her own wedding. Sureon television its like the most overused cliff-hanger in the history of cable TV. But in real life, happy endings and I dos are far more typical than a missing bride.

So when Terry Gobangathen Terry Apudodidnt show up for her wedding in Nairobi, Kenya, it shocked everyone. But nobody could have imagined what had actually happened to herthat she had been abducted, gang-raped and left for dead on the side of the road.

Today, by the grace of God, Terry is alive and able to tell her story.

A pastor at a church, Terrys wedding to her fianc, Harry, was going to be a big one. There wereplenty of family and church members ready to witness the beautiful union, and Terry couldnt have been more excited to wear her wedding dress.

But the night before her wedding, Terry realized she had some things that Harry would need for the big daysome clothes and his necktie.

She arranged to have a girlfriend bring them to him in the morning. The two women walked together to the bus station, where Terry left her friend with Harrys clothes.

As she walked home to prepare for the most exciting day of her life, Terry passed a man sitting on the hood of his car. He quickly grabbed her from behind, and shoved her into the backseat with two other men inside. Within seconds, they sped off.

A piece of cloth was stuffed in my mouth. I was kicking and hitting out and trying to scream. When I managed to push the gag out, I screamed: Its my wedding day! That was when I got the first blow. One of the men told me to cooperate or you will die.

After speeding off, each of the men took turns raping her.

I felt sure I was going to die, Terry says.

She fought for her life, biting the men where she could, and being beaten in return. Six hours after shed been abducted, she was tossed from the car and left for dead.

A child saw me being thrown out and called her grandmother. People came running. When the police came they tried to get a pulse, but no-one could. Thinking I was dead, they wrapped me in a blanket and started to take me to the mortuary.

But on the way there, Terry came to. She choked on the blanket that was covering her and coughed. Shocked at the fact that she was alive, police rushed her to the biggest government hospital in Kenya.

Terry Gobanga

Upon arriving to the hospital, Terry was incoherent and shaking in shock.

I was half-naked and covered in blood, and my face was swollen from being punched.

But something led one of the nurses to believe the young woman was a bride. They decided to call around to the nearby churches to see if they were missing a bride. To their surprise, the first one they called was All Saints Cathedral in Nairobithe church where Terry was supposed to marry Harry at 10 a.m.

Once her family was contacted, they rushed to the hospitalHarry with her wedding dress in hand, grateful to have found his missing bride.

Doctors tended to Terrys woundsone that went so deep into her womb, she was told shed never be able to carry children.

Beyond the devastating news, and the shock of the days events, Terry was given the morning-after pill and drugs to protect her from HIV and Aids.

My mind shut down, it refused to accept what had happened.

She continues:

Harry kept saying he still wanted to marry me. I want to take care of her and make sure she comes back to good health in my arms, in our house, he said. Truth be told, I wasnt in a position to say Yes or No because my mind was so jammed with the faces of the three men, and with everything that had happened.

In the weeks and months that followed, Terry was blamed by many for what had happened to her. The victim of unthinkable brutalitycriticized for her decision to leave the house. But Harry and her family stood by her, and the two began planning their wedding for the second time.

Three months after the attack, Terry was told she had tested negative for HIVmeaning she was moving forward in healing from the incident.

In July 2005seven months after the day of her attack and their first wedding, Terry and Harry finally married and went on a honeymoon.

Terry Gobanga

Just 29 days later, the unthinkable happened.

After eating dinner one night, Harry lit a charcoal burner and brought it into the bedroom. Before going to sleep, he removed it because the room had warmed up. But just before climbing into bed, Harry said he was feeling dizzy, and both husband and wife were having trouble sleeping from being so cold.

I suggested getting another duvet. But Harry said he couldnt get it as he didnt have enough strength. Strangely, I couldnt stand up either. We realized something was very wrong. He passed out. I passed out. I remember coming to. I would call him. At times he would respond, at other times he wouldnt. I pushed myself out of bed and threw up, which gave me some strength. I started crawling to the phone. I called my neighbour and said: Something is wrong, Harry is not responding.'

Terry was going in and out of consciousness as the neighbor arrived with a swarm of people. They rushed the couple to the hospital where Harry unfortunately passed away.

Going back to church for the funeral was terrible. Just a month earlier I had been there in my white dress, with Harry standing at the front looking handsome in his suit. Now, I was in black and he was being wheeled in, in a casket.

The charcoal burner had filled their bedroom with carbon monoxide, and ultimately poisoned Harry to death.

Terry says it was in the days and months that followed Harrys death when she felt completely let down by God. She broke down.

One day I was sitting on the balcony looking at the birds chirping away and I said: God, how can you take care of the birds and not me? In that instant I remembered there are 24 hours a daysitting in depression with your curtains closed, no-ones going to give you back those 24 hours. Before you know, its a week, a month, a year wasted away. That was a tough reality.

Terry promised herself she would never get married again after enduring the unbearable loss of Harry. But through her grief, there was one man who God was using to heal her heartTonny Gobanga.

He would encourage me to talk about my husband and think about the good times. One time he didnt call for three days and I was so angry. Thats when it hit me that I had fallen for him.

Before long, Tonny proposed to Terry, but still she had reservations as to whether or not he could love all of hereven through her brokenness and inability to have children.

Terry Gobanga

Tony squashed those doubts without a second thought:

Children are a gift from God, he said. If we get them, Amen. If not, I will have more time to love you.

Three years after her second wedding to Harry, Terry found herself at the altar againthis time flooded with emotion and fearspraying that God wouldnt let Tonny die too.

One year into their marriage, Terry became ill. To her surprise, it wasnt a sickness you could heal with medicine, but rather a sickness caused by pregnancy. She was expecting a childthe one doctors warned her shed never be able to have!

After a careful pregnancy, Terry gave birth to a baby girl, Tehille. And four years later to another little girl, Towdah.

Terry Gobanga

Terry has since written a book called Crawling Out of Darkness, and she hopes that her experience would inspire other survivors of rape in knowing that they are not alone. Their story is not over, and God has far greater plans than the depression and shame that you feel in this time.

I have forgiven my attackers. It wasnt easy but I realized I was getting a raw deal by being upset with people who probably dont care. My faith also encourages me to forgive and not repay evil with evil but with good.

Terry says life doesnt stop just because unthinkable circumstances happen. Its our job to keep moving toward the incredible blessings God has waiting for us. Crawl if you have to, but no matter what, just keep moving forward.

Terry Gobanga

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