#i told myself i wouldnt make it a rainbow thing
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Opened up and told my counselor about my sexual assault. Was in tears and was struggling to speak and she stopped me to take a phone call from her son who needed a ride to the gym
Told her I have trouble connecting with people on an emotional level, which causes me to have a lack of sympathy and empathy, which also causes me to get aggravated when people expect me to help or respond to whatever it may be they are going through, bc I don't understand and she told me "oh, you're selfish" which isn't true, bc a selfish person wouldnt have brought it up, said they want to be able to be there for people and asked if they have an illness or condition thats making or contributing to them being like this, bc they werent always like that. I started feeling this disconnect around the time my mental health as a whole started to go further downhill, so it only makes sense to think it's connected to something
Told her about my depression and how there are days I spend all day thinking about suicide and the many ways it's possible for me to do it and she printed out 3 sheets of affirmations I'm supposed to tell myself in the mirror everyday, bc according to her not liking myself is apparently the root to my depression, which is so far from the truth. If saying things like "I love myself" worked I wouldn't have been there. I don't know what type of power people think stuff like this holds, but it does absolutely nothing to a depressed mind, but make you realize how dumb you look in the mirror
Told her about my anxiety and how my own mom and stepdad, the people I'm the closest to can trigger an anxiety attack and she said it's a learned behavior meaning I'm apparently on some monkey see monkey do shit, which is just????
She kept telling me most of the problems I have are brought on by trauma from childhood and she mentioned that several times meaning she's heavily implying I was abused by my parents. They never laid hands on me and neither did anyone else. My childhood was sunshine and rainbows. My assault happened when I was 17 and a majority of my problems were already affectting me then, so I don't appreciate how persistent she was about the matter
I brought up a few more things. Important things and she listened, but didn't type any of it in her computer or discuss any of it with me meaning to her it wasn't important enough to document although these things are affecting my quality of life and are definitely some type of mental problem, which is the whole reason I was there in the first place. What she deems important doesnt matter. She's not my phycatrist. Thats for them to determine not her. This why I never bothered trying to get help. I was fighting not to go off on her the entire time. Honestly, if it werent for my anxiety I probably would have. Her being in her 70's was the first red flag and if that makes me ageist then so be it. I don't particularly want someone who has death beating their door down responsibile for me and especially my mental health
I think I'm more upset about her taking a phone call while we were discussing something traumatic to me. I can't tell you how hard it was to even make myself bring it up much less talk about it in detail. Idc if the phone call wasn't that long. It's disrespectful to the patient to be put second during a time they come first and on top of that instead of letting me speak and express how my assault made me feel she kept acting as if she knew what I was going through and it was pissing me off. She kept telling me how humiliated and ashamed I must have been, especially since I never told anyone and that's once again, not true. If I never said that then there's no reason for anyone to imply it or bring it up. I'm neither of those
What I am is angry he was able to move on like nothing happened. I'm angry he continued to come over. I'm angry my mom allowed him to come over and would spend hours talking to him after I told her what happened. I'm angry how his presence would send me into fight or flight mode or would have me hiding somewhere in the house crying with a heartbeat so loud and fast it hurt. I'm angry he has a gf and a baby that have no idea hes not only a rapist, but a pedophile.
I'm for the lack of a better word, sexually broken. I had urges, fantasies and desires, but ever since that happened to me or more like, when I finally came to the realization that I was assaulted something in me shifted. I've been asexual since. He did that to me. The thought of sex makes me physically ill to the point I can gag or even send myself into a small crying spell. Things and smells that remind me of him are triggers to memories I'd rather not relive and can send me into a spiral. I never brought it up, bc I didn't want anyone to know, but not for the reasons she insisted. I just didn't want to have to talk about it knowing how it'd make me feel
I've never gotten help or closure and it's something I carry around with me and I finally thought this place was going to help me lift the weight off my shoulders. It was an emotional moment for me and while crying I'm put on the back burner so she can take a phone call from her son??? What kind of fuckery? She made me and my experience feel unimportant. I won't ever forget how I felt that day and I will be requesting someone new
The ONLY thing she did that made me feel seen and heard was her immediately calling my mom once we left and insist we reschedule a sooner date. My mom told me she was speaking really fast and had obvious concern in her voice. She kept asking if I was safe and regardless what my mom told her she still kept fighting to get her to reschedule. I'm assuming my talk about self harm (blows to the head several times a day), suicide, how I think about killing myself everyday and how the voice (my own) in my head tells me to get the gun from my moms room and end it got through to her. I told her repeatedly I'm not going to kill myself. If I did I would have done it a long time ago, but it can be hard to just take someone's word, so I get the concern for me to be diagnosed and treated asap. It actually made me emotional how much she seemed to care that I stay alive, but I'm still requesting someone new, bc if she did this once she'll do it again
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And the second :)
Wish you all a nice evening :)
CALL OF THE RAVEN
PART 12
I got awakened in the morning by my phone ringing. I sleepily tried to find it with my hand, still covered over the head. Wen i felt it with my fingers, i draged it under the covers to my ear, ansewring with hoarse voice „Hello?“ „Dont tell me you're still sleeping?“ Jessys cheerful voice chimed from the other side. „I was up working till 3am, ofcourse i'm still sleeping.“ I told her, as i slowly started to get out of bed. „What time is it, anyway?“ i asked. „Its 10. I got back to Duskwood a while ago, tought you might like to join me for coffee.“ „Sure, Jessy, if you give me like half hour or so to get ready and meet you in the center.“ „Great!“ she chimed „I'll text you where i'll be. See you soon.“ „Cya, Jessy.“
I got out of bed, and went to bathroom. When finished, i got dressed and took my phone and wallet, got the cary keys and left the motel. As i was driving towards the towns center, i tought i actualy might do some shoping. I didnt really pack much of my fancy stuff, and i cant really show up at the Aurora in jeans all the time. As i parked, Jessy sent a message to meet her at the Rainbow Cafe. It wasnt far from where i parked, so i was there in few minutes. We hugged as i got there, and i ordered a sandwich and coffee. She told me about her visit to her sister. She was happy to see her, they dont meet as much as Jessy would like because of her work, and i could relate with her. I told her Phil called me for Auroras party. „Ohh, thats tonight, i completly forgot about it!“ Jessy scolded on herself „Good thing you reminded me.“ I smiled at her „I need some shopping to do, i dont have anything to weare tonight!“ i said, and Jessy added teasingly „Well, we better go find you something sexy then, you never know who just might show up at the Aurora tonight.“ I smiled at her, knowing exactly who was she talking about. I hoped Jake might show up, even tho the chances for it wer close to non. Never the less, one can hope, right? „So, i am not wrong when i assume you will join me?“ i asked teasingly. „Ofcourse you're not wrong!“ she said cheerfully „I might get myself a thing or two.“ We laughed, paid for our coffees and went shopping. We found what we wanted quite fast, wich i was glad for. Jessy walked me to my car, and we arranged to meet at the Aurora arround 23. I got back at the motel, grabbing myself a pizza on the way. I decided to take a shower first then eat. After i finished with pizza I still had some time to kill before getting ready, so i just putted some music on and surfed the net a bit. When it got time to get ready, i took out the dress i bought. It was black, up to knee of lenght, tight to follow your body lines. I put it on, and opened the wardrobe, wich had a big mirror on one of the doors inside. Damn, Jessy wasnt lying, i was looking good! I luckily got my black boots with me, wich went great with the dress. I've put on some make up, and my lipgloss, winking and blowing myself a kiss in the mirror as i was done. I was in a good mood, and why wouldnt i be, i was looking smoking hot! I put on some of my favorite parfume, and was ready. But my mood faded a bit when my phone rang, and i saw a hidden number again. This is getting ridicolous, i tought before i answered. „Hello? Who is this?“ But nothing, silence from the other side again. I got a bit frustrated with those calls now, so i hissed in my phone „Look, who ever this is, either say something, or fuck off already!“ There was a moment of silence before the call was ended by a misterious caller. Good riddence, i tought, pouring myself a glass of water. I have to admit, those calls became irritating, and a bit of sinister feeling crawled at me because of them. I drank some water and took a deep breath to calm dawn. Im not gonna let that thing ruin my evening. I checked myself once more in the mirror; all good, ready to go. I decided to take my jacket, the nights wer still pretty chilly.I took my phone and wallet, putted all in my purse, grabbed the car keys and left the motel. I decided to go with my car, and just go easy with drinks tonight.
Phil wasnt lying when he said Aurora would be pretty packed for the night. I got there a bit earlier, little past 22, and already a lot of people showed up. As i was walking towards the bar, someone called my name, and i turned to see Hannah waveing to me from one of the booths. She was there with some friends i didnt know, Thomas ofcourse, and Lily. And to my surprise, Jake was with them, too. I smiled to myself, what was it i tought earlier, one can hope, right?. As i waved her back still walking towards the bar, i could notice Jakes gaze following me. Seeing me dressed like this didnt leave him indiferrently. Good, i tought, and smiled again to myself, this might actualy be a very interesting night. As i got close to the bar, Phil noticed me, and just stoped what he was doing. He checked me from toes to head, his stare intensifing, and i could feel that heat spreading through my body again. I grined at him, saying teasingly as i got to the bar „Want a tissue? You're drooling a bit.“ Phils eyes got that devilish spark in them „Can you blame me? You look amazing, Maya!“ „Aww, thanks, Phil.“ I i said smiling. „And i'm not the only one who noticed it, by the way. There wer quite a few eyes on you just now!“ he said, winking at me. I grinned „Good, so i definatly didnt go wrong with my outfit for tonight.“ „Definatly didnt.“ He grinned back, that devilish spark in his eyes intensifing. „Go sit down, i saved you two seats at the end of the bar.“ He told me „I'll join you in a minute.“ „Thanks, Phil.“ I smiled, and went to the bars end. I laughed out loud when i saw two papers taped on the stools with the writting on them 'Reserved for VIP'. I took the paper down from one and sat. Phil came, sitting on the stool next to me, bringing with him two full shot glasses. „It is a party, afterall, we have to drink to that.“ He told me, grining devilishly. I laughed „Excusses, excusses.“ „Aww, c'mon, but its a good one.“ He said. I looked at him, shaking my head, taking one of the glasses, raising it up to him „ Well, to Aurora then!“ „Indeed!“ he replied, as we knocked our glasses together and drank. „So“ i started „i'm a VIP, huh.“ „Ofcourse you are.“ He said, winking. I shook my head at him, smiling „You really know how to make a girl feel special.“ He grinned, looking intensly at me „You've seen nothing yet.“ My cheeks flushed, and i was relieved when one of the waiters came to our end of the bar, asking if Phil could come for a second, and he excused himself. He got back in less then a minute, coming from the other side of the bar „What can i get you to drink, gorgeous? I have to leave you for a while to take care of something, dont want you to get thursty on me.“ He said smiling. „Hmm, i'll have a glass of white whine, thank you.“ „Something sweeter is your thing, right?“ he said, winking at me. „Well, mister barkeep, you read my mind.“ I repleid grinning at him. He took a wine glass filling it „Here you go, gorgeous, hope you like it. Now, excuse me for a moment.“ He winked before leaving.
As Phil left, i took my phone out, checking the time, seeing Jessy sent me a message she and Dan will be here soon. I took a sip of my wine, and it was really good, Phil did guess my taste for sure. All of a sudden, someone sat next to me, and i turned, getting a bit surprised at seeing who it was. „Lily?“ i looked at her a bit bewildered. „Am i interupting you?“ she asked. „Uhm, no, is everthing ok?“ i aked, wondering why she might possibly be here. „Yes, everything is fine“ she started „Amm, can we talk for a minute?“ she said, and i could notice she was a bit fidgety. „I guess so.“ I said, still pretty puzzled by it. A moment of silence passed, before she started. „Well, i actualy want to appologize to you, for my behavour last time.“ I almost choked with my drink, looking at her, eyes wide in bewilderment „You do?“ „Yes, well..“ she started „I overreacted. I mean, everything was still fresh, and i'v let emotions take over me a bit too much.“ She looked at me now, and i could see she was being sencere. I was still shocked with what was going on, so i just managed to say „Ok.“ „I shouldnt have lash out at you like i did, and im sorry about it.“ She paused before continuing „And i had a long talk with few people who got me realize that.“ „Let me guess“ i started „Hannah and Thomas?“ „You got Hannah right.“ She told me, and i looked questionable at her. „Well, Jake can get quite insightful.“ I was even more shocked. „Jake?“ i asked „Our Jake? I mean, are we thinking about the same person here?“ i asked, still not sure i heard her correctly. She smiled „Yes, we are. He can be really argumentative and rational. When you get to know him, he is quite a plesant conversator.“ I couldnt belive what she was saying. Is it me thats the problem then, i tought, since it looks like im the only one Jake has problems talking to. I got a bit sadness creeping at me then, and i didnt really wanted to say what i did out loud, but it just sliped out „Guess then i dont know him as much as i tought i did.“ Lily nudged me on my knee, and i looked at her. She smiled gently at me „He likes you.“ „Sorry?“ i said, my mind still trying to process all she told me. „Jake“ she started „He likes you. I know you might not belive it, but its true. When he mentions you, its like his eyes get some special glow in them.“ She saw my disbelief „Look, i know he's not the easiest person to talk to. But give him a chance, and you just might be surprised by him.“ She gave me encouraging smile „And expressing emotions dont come so easy to him, so be patiante. I can see you two care a lot for eachother, and i hope you will be abel to resolve whatever it is that stands in your way.“ She started to get up from the stool, but before she turned to leave i said „Hey, Lily? Thank you for this, i appriciate it.“ She smiled, and i continued „And i hope we can get along from now on, no grudges about anything.“ „I would like that.“ She told me with a smile. „And remember what i told you, just be patiante with him.“ She gave me one more smile, before going back to her booth. I was still pretty shocked with what just happened. Was what she said true? Does Jake really likes me as much as she claims? I was so lost in my toughts,i didnt notice Jessy standing next to me, trying to get my attention. „Earth to Maya.“ She said, when i finaly looked at her, confusion still present all over my face. She looked at me „What was that all about?“ „Huh?“ i managed. „Lily? What did she want?“ I looked at Jessy, still trying to sort everything up in my head „You wouldnt belive me if i told you.“ i said to her, tapping the chair next to me, suggesting for her to sit down. I told Jessy all that happened with Lily, but leaving the Jake part out of it, at least for now. I didnt really want to talk about it at the moment, and i was sure Jessy would have a lot to say. „Well, im glad you two cleared everything up.“ Jessy said „Me too, Jessy. I really had enoughof drama in my life lately, so at least one thing less to worry about.“ „We need a drink to celebrate!“ Jessy chimed cheerfuly, at wich point Phil returned „Did someone say she needs a drink?“ he said at Jessy, grinning. „Ahh, your timing couldnt be more perfect, brother.“ She grined back. Phil took four glasses, filling them with whiskey. Dan joined us then „Oooo, i like where this is going!“ he said cheerfuly, rubbing his hands together, as Phil gave each of us one. „Ohh, no,no“ i started „This one will be it for me, i'v learned my lesson last time.“ „Oh, shush it and just drink.“ It was Jessy saying it, to wich i looked at her astonished, but Dan hugged her „That's my girl!“ She smiled at him and turned to me raising her glass „Bottoms up!“. I laughed, shaking my head before drinking „Ohh, im so not dressed to be walking back to the motel!“
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Photographer, Religion AU
Yennefer likes taking photos. Shes always been told she'd never make a career out of it but her portrait gallery says otherwise. When she sees a short woman rushing to work in clothes that are slightly too big for her. She rushes after her begging her to let her take a photo. The woman reluctantly agrees and Yennefer falls in love with her smile. Obsessed with finding out more about her, she waits outside the same tram stop everyday. She soon finds out that shes Miss Tissaia De Vries, local sunday school teacher and teacher of religion at the local catholic school and shes engaged. to a dude. Well Yennefer's seen the way Tissaia looks at her and she knows in her gut she can't let this woman go. She'd never forgive herself is she did.
I told myself I wouldnt take part in the moodboard rainbow challenge thing for Yennaia and yet here I am
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Tender heart
[Chapter one]
Tw:mentions of past trauma andfood
Summary: jericos first week on the job as team rainbows psicologist was boring, until her first patient walks in for help and later that day a friend of her takes her to the sea to talk.
Ok to rb
Its been a week already, jerico silently sat on her Office, the cracking of the Fire was the only thing that could be heard, the houseplants hanged from the ceiling, two sofas infront of the fireplace, and her desk with cluttered Papers books a warm Cup of tea and a family photo.
She had been introduced in team rainbow last week, so far none of the operators didnt come by to talk.
See,her job was more of a moral support and psicologist, it was boring since no-one came by for help.
Distracted from her thoughts by her pet eagle playing in her bird playground, nibbling at the plastic keys hanging from a pole.
The bird caws flying to her owners shoulder nuzzling jeris hair cawing.
--its been very boring week, dont you think sunshine?--she scratches under the eagles beak smiling as sunshine nibbled on her finger playfully.
She then sighed thinking itll be like any other boring day,nobody would come by and her resume at the end of the week for Harry would be empty.
Sunshine flied back to her playground and entered the medium sized wooden house.
The silent falls heavy on the room again, she clicks her pen trying to get herself distracted.
A psicologist that struggles with intrusive thoughts,aint that ironic?.
But then,the little bell ontop of her door rang, hesitant soft steps are heard as a Man, around fifty enters.
He pushes his dishveiled dark brown hair back, panting softly, he seemed to be in a hurry--uh hello?-- he wasnt sure how to start conversations.
Jeri looked up when she heard the chime,and smiled warmly at the newcomer-- welcome--jeri would be lying if she told you that a feeling of excitement didnt settle on her chest when the Man entered and sat infront of her--whats the matter
The Man looked away,trying to think of a way of explaining it, he then remembered the file that was tucked neatly under his arm, he hands it to her--Harry told me to give this to you before our session
Jerico took the file and read it.
The first paper was more of a summary than a proper introduction.
"Ryad al-hassar Ramírez.
Age:53
Al-hassar suffers from chronic insomnia,slight shifts of mood outside work and an obssesion with his brothers murder.
The last one is a sensitive thing to talk about, proceed with caution".
Jer closed the file and left it on the table intertwining her hands togheter leaning in.
--Well ryad,before we start Ill introduce myself,I dont remember you in the line up when I got here last week,im jerico, nice to meet you
She extended her hand, and he shook it,he was a bit nervous, therapy wasnt the best thing for him during his life, hes a very Stubborn Man.
--well whats on your mind?-- she asked.
He struggled to find his words, maybe it was a mix of things, the cute therapist infront of him, the tenderness with wich she was handling him, and the fact that he hasnt had a proper therapist in a good while.
--Well, what can I say-- he started--things are a bit tense at the moment with ash's and kali's fight, then theres been talk of making me take a month off for health issues, I mean its ridiculous im perfectly fine!,maybe im low on energy but its nothing a couple of cups of coffee cant fix
She perked up, Ryad swore he saw her ears move a little when she looked up to him--Couple cups of coffee?--she inquired,his body tensed as he realized the slip up he just made--tell me ryad, how Many cups are we talking about, one? Two?
The Man looked away in shame, muttering --Five
He waited to be reprimated, he was ready to get yelled at as his previous encounters went, instead though he gained a warm hand on his wrist, squeezing it Gently--does those cups of coffee help you with your day?maybe that has to do with the talk of taking the month off
Ryad sighed his tone a bit more stern than before-- I dont need a month off, I just need to get some sleep,I can still do things!
Jeri flinches at the sudden elevation of his voice, Harry had told him that she was very sensitive to loud noises.
He calms down --Im sorry I..i shouldnt have yelled at you...
He heard her chuckle and softly shook his hand--Dont worry, I know what you meant, sometimes in order to do things we need to take a step back,it May hurt and we May hate it at first,but in the long run itll help-- she stood up, her hand leaving his and walking up to the water Cooler--Tea? Itll help you relax
It couldnt hurt at this point.
So they kept talking for a bit longer, ryad was slowly getting more and more convinced that maybe that month off would do him good.
He sighed chuckling softly looking up from his cup to jeri-- youre very good at this --He said.
--Hmm?
--im very stubborn but somehow you made me change my mind,I think ill take the month off
Jer smiled--well, If theres anything else I can do for you
He had loosen up and she took a glimpse to his charming and romantic self, she wasnt preparing for the following,though--can I get your number?--he playfully winked at her, she chuckled along with her cheeks red....she could always say its because of the fireplace.
--Well I can give you my card if you need anything,in your file says you live off base, so maybe itll be helpfull for you
She gave a small bussiness card and he took it shoving it in his pocket.
--Well, thats all--he said standing up handing her the cup--Thanks
Jeri smiled--Glad I could help!
When he left,she put her forehead against her desk sighing,rainbow had some good looking people, now her work would be extra difficult.
At afternoon she closed her Office,she told Harry to tell the operators to swing by her room if they needed anything.
Now there she was eating her food in bed, laptop on her legs watching a movie with sunshine tucked under her arm, sleeping soundly.
A soft Knock interrupted her dinner-- who is it?--she asked.
--its ngugi,ngugi furaha
Jeri leaves the PC and food on the bed running to Open the door--Wamai! Good to see you, whats up?
The kenyan Man leans on the windowsill,Him and jeri had become somewhat Friends since he had helped her move in.
--I just need to clear my mind,I was hoping we could go down at the beach and talk?
Oh yeah,ngugi had certain affinity with the sea, she figured it would make their talk be more loose, so she put on some flip-flops and went down to town and then to the beach.
Its a starry clear night, the sea rocked softly against the sand, both felt the Ocean as a home, it was something they had bonded over.
--So--jer said with hands on her pockets--whats on your mind?
He proceded to tell her about the fight between ash and kali,how worried he was that it would end up in something worse, fearing that it would spark into something more violent.
They stopped and sat near the shore,she put a hand on his back patting it softly.
--I promise this Will be fine, Harry,zero and I are working hard on making sure this doesnt go even more south,for now id advice you to relax,tomorrow morning you could go for a swim,itll help you wind down
--I guess youre right--his arm pulled her closer, hed noticed she was shivering--Thanks jer
--Youre welcome.
They sat there in silence for a bit longer,enjoying the calm.
He was about to say something about heading back but jerico was already asleep, so he lifted her up and took her back to base to her room.
His own quarters were at the other side of the building, surely jerico wouldnt mind if he stayed the night.
This was confirmed when not only did he felt jeri make herself comfortable against his back but her own eagle, who had fame of being very protective over her owner, cuddled up to him.
He chuckled petting the bird,then Yawning, turning off his brain for the night, with an inexplicable feeling of warmth on his chest.
#tw//past trauma#tw:past trauma#trauma tw#food tw#tw//food#tw:food#wamai#ngugi/wamai#ryad/jackal#ryad all hassar ramirez#f/o fic#💛🎨you can depend on me🎨💛#long post
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I’m Crazy...
I’m insane...
I've lost the plot..
I'm hopeless..
I'm worthless..
I'm unloveable..
I'm pathetic..
I'm weird..
I'm strange..
I'm not okay...
I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)
BUT...
I AM!!!
Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...
oh woe is me! am i right?
well... thats where you're wrong!
(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)
I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!
i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.
i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.
Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)
In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.
The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!
i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.
depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.
A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.
As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)
This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!
Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.
my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.
They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.
so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.
heres how i cope...
Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.
For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.
Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.
It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.
it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.
i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.
i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.
i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.
because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.
you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!
nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.
i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.
i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)
In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!
everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.
everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!
Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.
do what makes YOU happy!
live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.
open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.
but remember most importantly:
You ARE NOT Alone..
You ARE NOT Crazy..
You ARE NOT insane..
You HAVE NOT lost the plot..
You ARE NOT hopeless..
You ARE NOT worthless..
You ARE NOT unloveable..
You ARE NOT pathetic..
You ARE NOT weird..
You ARE NOT a psycho..
You ARE NOT strange..
And..
You ARE okay...
You ARE Beautiful..
You ARE Worth it..
YOU ARE Loved
i hope this helps...
thank you ☺
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Silverlysilence, i know u out there somewhere reading and lurking around our posts. I just wanna say, thank you. Like really, a thousand thanks, a million hugs and an infinite number of love coming ur way.
I purple u (it means i will forever love u and trust u and just like the color purple is the last color of the rainbow, my love for u and ur book will last until the end of time) <- yes, thats from BTS i just love that term.
I've went to ur ko-fi account and read ur latest posts thanking the sleepless squad and really it made my heart flutter and (not gonna lie, i blushed a lil cuz AWW-) GOSH u're such a sweet person!! U deserve all the love in the world hun! I know u've heard me saying how much i appreciate u writing this beautiful series and calling it a fanfic is just not it for me IMMA CALL IT A BOOK CUZ IT IS CANON FOR ME- *Coughs* i just... I really really reallllyyyy want u to know that i am so so soooo grateful that u decided to make this story a reality 4/5 years ago. I just- im still in awe that this story exist. Do u know how rare the friendship between Jack and the characters from HTTYD are in fanfictions?? HECK no one has ever written them to be so protective over him but YOU! NO ONE has ever written them so perfectly in character but YOU! I've scoured so many fanfics under the tag "Jack Frost" in AO3 for years and NONE of them had ever satisfied me and my (albeit high standard) taste since the fandom is so small that it's dying... Until you.
The first time i stumbled upon ur book (yes it is a BOOK) i was in a very hard exam period and i was just doing my usual stupid decisions of not doing any homework or studying and instead decided to, again, look for quality fanfics under the tag. I have a very bad habit of procrastinating and instead used that stress and frustration to search for good quality fics. Then, i found ur book. Oh boi. Lemme tell u, i was ready to read the Heart of a Dragon book and i was instantly HOOKED on the very first chapter when Hiccup was waking up and u described his appearance so beautifully and then BOOM Jackson came in with his "EVERYONE IS TALLER THAN ME!!" then i realized that this is a series.. And theres a book before this one. So I IMMEDIATELY BACKTRACKED SO HARD i thought i almost broke the screen of my ipad and went to read the first book.
.
.
.
50 MUTHERFRICKING CHAPTERS OH MY LORDDKDJKDDNJSNDS WTF-
... I was so in awe. I still remembered reading it till a certain chapter and realized that i had to go to sleep cuz its 3 MUTHERFRICKING AM. I went to school the next day with a newfound freshness in my steps and a happy fluttering feeling in my chest. I look like a crazy gurl who's high on sugar. I was vibrating with so much excitement that my friends are like "dude, whats up with u?" and I CANT EVEN TELL THEM CUZ IM ALONE IN THIS SKSKSJSKSJSJSJ. So i just told them that i found a new fav book. I just cant wait to return home and continue reading where i left off i think i barely paid attention in any classes as my mind and heart was still in my bedroom, still reading the book.
I remembered finishing the whole series in just 3 days?? (HOLY SHEET-) and that chapter where Jack thought that it was all a dream?
.... I cried so much. I couldnt bring myself to finish the whole book after that. My chest constricted and i felt such a hollow feeling that i have no tears left to shed. I spend the day just staring off into space, wondering if all that they had was just all in his head. I feared that that was it. Thats the ending, and everything that i had adored about this fic was all just.. Gone. That its not there anymore and they wont have a happy ending. So i decided to gather my courage and read the last chapters. I finished them painstakingly slowly. I was wrong!! Yeay!! It wasnt all in his head! It was all real! And im so happy that i wanted to know who was behind this book. Who was responsible for making me feel all sorts of emotions in such a short amount of time. I looked at ur ko-fi account and u said u wanted to continue the series! YEAYY!!
I scoured the comment sections... Then i found Spyrite's comment... And the rest is history.
This kind of book is a once in a lifetime that will leave a huge mark in my memories once time had passed on for me. Idk what would happen in the future. Would my country block the access of AO3 forever and i wouldnt be able to read them anymore? NO WAY! So i downloaded the book so i could read them offline. Once u've finished the series, im gonna download the newest additions so it would never be lost even if the world decided to screw me over with no access to AO3.
Really, im srs, u've brought so much joy in my life. I stand in my words that, currently, theres no other Jack Frost fanfic that will ever surpass urs. U are at the very top of my fav authors for writing this book.
The sleepless squad? I dont think i've ever experienced something quite like this before. Two other people that raves on and ON about the same thing. With two differwnt perspectives and opinions and OH GOSH U BOTH LOVE THIS AS MUCH AS I DO! *sobs* ur theories and rants and everything will be the highlight of this experience. what's better is that we could communicate in Tumblr!! YEAY! MORE CONTENTS AND MEMES TO SHOVE AT BOTH OF UR DOORSTEPS?!?! HECK YEAH!!
Honestly? How often do u think this experience had ever happened for an author? Cuz this is pretty insane.
I think Silverly is probably shedding a few tears rn so *gives tissues* im glad i could express how much i love u and ur work. But HOT DANG THERES SO MUCH MORE THAT I WANNA SAY but i cant really find the proper words so.. . Just... Thank u. For existing. Both Silverly and The Sleepless Squad.
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Hi, I'm bi as well and, it's been over a year since I have fully decided to admit it to myself and I have told a few friends but none of my family know. I think some of them would be understanding but a chunk probably... wouldnt. And thats why only a few friends know is I'm worried it would get back to them. Even as a grown woman with a job and degree and everything. So I guess what this rambly mess is leading to is does it ever stop feeling like walking a tight rope?
Hmm. In some sense, I’m lucky that I can, for the most part, control who knows. I’m out on here, to my friends, more or less at my institution (I mean, I keep asking my supervisors to write me recommendations for projects where I’m like QUEER MEDIEVAL HISTORY, so yeah, it’s not a secret on that front) and to my parents and sister(s), all of whom are very good about not telling anyone or gossiping beyond that. I am going to have to relocate to a small town in the Pacific Northwest for a year (moving in with my dad, because logistics and other things) and my first concern about it was the fact that I am a gay left-wing academic, I wear rainbow wristbands all the time, I am not that good at pretending to be straight, and that does not sound like my kind of place. My dad, bless his heart, earnestly rushed to assure me that it was a liberal college town and that “I’ve seen gay people downtown!” So yes.
I am also a grown woman with (some sort of) job and (several) degrees and a professional career, so I get you on that front, and wondering if there’s some way you’re supposed to be better at this, or worrying about if you’re handling it in the right way. As noted, I’m lucky to be in a situation where my personal safety and relationships with my family aren’t tied to having to be in the closet. I had to rely on my parents pretty heavily for financial support in the last year or so of my PhD, and if I had to either not tell them about me being queer (which would have been easy, we live a long way apart) or tell them and risk being cut off, I would absolutely have kept my mouth shut. The thing about Pride is that while it’s great to be out, the fact is, a lot of people can’t do it because it would negatively impact their lives. (This is why homophobia is gross and why forced outing of someone is also super gross.) That’s why it’s Pride; i.e. it’s an active choice and not without repercussions, and something that someone has to personally do. You can have no less Pride even if you’re not out (and this performativity culture and the gatekeeping/exclusionism in certain LGBT circles is also really gross, but this is just getting into a lot of rants, so….anyway). Nobody should be obligated to put performative/visible queerness over their personal safety, no matter how much they would like to be openly true to themselves, so if it’s not okay for you to be out or you don’t feel comfortable being honest with everyone in your life, that’s fine. Until we get rid of homophobia (and that’s a long way off), that’s a choice everyone has to make and can only be personally made.
As noted, I am only out to my immediate family, and my cousins/aunts/extended family don’t know. (My cousins are like... the Most Heteronormative and all married and having tons of babies and Do Not Want). Neither do my absolutely beloved godparents, who are deeply religious (Greek Orthodox) and very involved in the life of their church. They are wonderfully loving and open and funny people, they have known me my whole life, they’ve been there for me in some bad places, and so on, but I haven’t told them, just because of that kernel of fear that they wouldn’t get it or they wouldn’t entirely be accepting or that our relationship would somehow change. We again don’t see each other much, but it’s something that I have thought of.
Anyway. I feel as if this is equally rambling an answer, but it’s mostly to say that we all have to feel out our own situations and decide what’s best for us when it happens, and there’s no “right” way to be in or out of the closet. It’s a complicated and dangerous world, it’s (to say the least) not always friendly to LGBTQ people, and we have to live with that somehow.
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Madness | Chpt. 10
Requests are Open
Chapter Title: “Belonging Nowhere”
Pairing: Loki x Original Female Character
Word Count: 3,815
Warnings: ???
Name Pronunciations: Hjalmar: “He-all-mar” | Aaldir: “All-deer” | Ephinea: “Eh-fin-ee-uh”
Summary: Eva’s departure is felt throughout the whole of Asgard. When the God of Thunder discovers her absence, Heimdall shows how willing he is to live up to the promise he made. Aaldir offers fatherly advice to the worried Prince.
A/N: This chapter, as you may notice, is shorter than the previous one. I’m sorry for my short hiatus. With work, college, and life all happening at the same time, I’m losing track of the time. To those of you who waited patiently, reaching out to check on me, YOU are what makes the hard days seem easier. Once again, you’re all so amazing for even reading this in the first place. I love all of you so, so, so much <3 -Ellie
Tagged: @teddyboobear @alledeglyfunny @xletmetaste-yoursmilex @itsknife2meetu @mynameisyara (anyone who wants to be tagged can message me and ask. It’s not a problem at all)
*Thor’s POV*
I wasted no time racing to the Bifrost at the end of the Rainbow Bridge to confront Heimdall. As soon as I read the note that Aaldir gave to me, I went into a rage. Eva was one of the most brilliant women I had ever met, and I didn’t understand how she could have been so ignorant to believe that she could be needed anywhere other than right here. She was continuing her reckless behavior that I thought we had gotten past after New York. As soon as I entered the Bifrost, Heimdall turned to face me, “you noticed her absence, just as everyone else did,” he noted, reminding me that she was just as much a part of Asgard as the air we all breathed. Her absence left a hole in the hearts of every Asgardian, young and old.
“Why did she leave?” I asked, my voice deep and urgent, “why did you send her to Midgard without telling me?” I asked, feeling like I was being spread too thin. Between ongoing problems with my father, my conflict over Loki, the newest prisoner, and the looming threat of Cul and his armies, I was at my wits end. I needed some explanation as to why my most trusted friend and advisor ran off to Midgard.
Heimdall gazed back out at the universe, calm as ever. His face had always been hard as stone. It was impossible for me to see any change in emotion, though Eva always claimed she could sense what he was feeling. I never believed her, thinking it was her way of gloating or bragging. Still, I couldn’t read him in that moment or any moment that had come before, “I am not at liberty to say,” he answered nonchalantly. His voice always captivated Eva, and I loved watching her as she listened to him speak. He continued before my mind could carry me away with thoughts of her, “she told me to keep the reason as to her sudden departure a secret between the two of us, and I intend to keep it that way,” he added, loyal as ever to her.
“Send me down there at once,” I demanded, tired of the games she always played. While I was sure this was no such thing, it was frustrating that she disappeared at random without giving us any answers at all. I didn’t intend to keep tabs on her at all times, but with what happened between her and Ezra, I was afraid that she was going to go back down a destructive path. She had encountered a threat that was much greater than we were prepared for, Loki’s fate was still hanging in the balance, and she was lost in all of it. She was hanging on by a thread, and I was afraid that she would reach her breaking point soon enough. Feeling as if my demand had fallen on deaf ears, I repeated myself, “send me down to Midgard at once!” I ordered, straightening my shoulders.
Heimdall shook his head, “no,” he answered simply.
My eyes widened as he disobeyed my blatant order, but I knew that even if my father had ordered him to do so, if he made a promise to Eva, he would keep it. I growled, “I demand it!”
He glanced over at me, amber eyes boring into my own, and I could finally see what Eva always claimed she could see. He was loyal to those he cared for, and no matter how close we were, he understood Eva better than anyone else, and she understood him with the same intensity and clarity. While Eva belonged here, she had always been on the outside, just like Heimdall. They were both wanderers, warriors, and keepers of the stars. I saw his love for her in that moment, “that’s unfortunate because I will not grant you passage to Midgard,” he stated before gazing back out at the fast universe, “I promised Lady Eva that I would not allow you to follow her. I gave her my word that she would not be trailed unless her life was in grave danger, and I would never dream of going back on my word to her,” he explained, grasping the handle of his sword tightly.
“I am the Prince of Asgard!” I reminded him, my voice nearly causing the entire Bifrost to shake.
His head snapped around, and our eyes met once more, “and she is the Princess!” he boomed, my voice having paled in comparison to his. The anger melted away from his features just as quickly as it had shown itself, but he could not take the words back, no matter how hard he tried. Of course, Eva wasn’t of the royal family, so she wasn’t a princess by blood, nor was she by marriage, since she had never married Loki or I. In the eyes of the Asgardian people, though, Eva was a princess, and they loved her like a queen. She was the lifeblood of our world, and the people saw that as time passed. Perhaps Heimdall wasn’t above those emotions. He sighed, “I gave her my word, and I will not break it. You often forget that she is far stronger and far more capable than anyone has ever given her credit for. She has fought off entire armies on her own. Lady Eva has always been full of surprises, and this is no different,” he reminded me of the countless times I watched the beautiful warrior on the battlefield. She fought as if she was dancing, every movement fluid and flowing right into the next.
I huffed, “if anything changes, alert me at once,” I demanded, hating the fact that I had to leave her safety in the hands of anyone else. The last time I trusted someone with her life, I almost lost her. While she wasn’t mine, nor would she ever be, she was still my very best friend and most trusted confidante. I wouldn’t know what to do with my life if I didn’t have her.
“That goes double for me,” that familiar voice sounded from behind me. As I turned around, I saw the God of Mercy standing directly behind me. I wasn’t sure how much of my argument with Heimdall he had heard, but it caused a certain level of shame within me to think that I was doubting her abilities even more than her own father, a man who-after all he had lost-would have been more protective of her now more than ever before. His eyes were warm and welcoming as they had always been, but there was a sorrow within them that had never gone away since Loki’s turn, since his fall, since her. With the recent loss of Hjalmar and with Eva leaving Asgard, he looked more put together than I had expected. Still, his dark hair was disheveled just enough to give me the answers to the questions I wouldn’t dare ask him, no matter how merciful I knew he would be.
He motioned for me to join in, to walk back across the bridge with him. A look of peace and serenity fell across his features, much like what happened with Eva when she knew I needed her to be strong for me. I would never ask for her, but she could always feel it. There were countless times when she would show up out of the blue just to talk or sit with me because she could feel my troubled mind. She didn’t limit this behavior to just members of the royal family or those she was closest to, either. Eva would often roam the streets of Asgard, even as a young girl, and listen for the cries of a child, the broken heart of a father who lost his son in battle, the widowed mother who was raising her children alone, the sounds of silence where she knew she was needed, and without accepting any payment in return, she would sit with each of them. Any man, woman, or child was under her care, and they loved her all the more for her acts of selflessness.
I wasn’t certain if she was born with that heart, or if she inherited pieces of it from the man beside me. As Aaldir and I walked along the Rainbow Bridge, I had one of the most selfish fleeting thoughts in my life. I wished she would leave others to their own devices. It wasn’t a wish that would benefit her, as I was well aware that the times she was helpless to lift people up when they fell, a piece of her died. It was a wish made purely out of my selfish desire to protect her, to shelter her. A part of me couldn’t see her as the warrior she was, as the strong leader I knew she could be. I would always see her as this fragile little girl that the world wanted to break, but she was strong from the beginning, far stronger than I could ever even hope to be.
“I know that feeling,” Aaldir noted, cutting off my train of thought.
I furrowed my eyebrows and glanced over at him, curious as to what he was talking about, “what do you mean?” I asked as our eyes met. Eva and him looked so different, which was to be expected since they were not related by blood. However, they looked so similar at the same time, skin that was kissed by the sun, innocent and pained eyes under full brows, the most perfect facial structure I had ever seen, as if they had been crafted by angels. Eva always said that it was because they shared the same life energy, that all things were connected, but she had the strongest connection to him because he chose her, raised her, taught her, and loved her.
He smirked, “you would rather her be miserable and safe with you than fulfilled and in potential danger. I know that feeling all too well,” he stated, taking me by surprise. He had always praised and admired her independence, so I didn’t think he could possibly understand my dilemma. He chuckled, “I taught her how to fight, and she soon became so powerful that there was nothing left for me to teach her. I didn’t teach her how to fight with the hope that she would seek war and blood but with the hope that she would fight for what she believed in, what she loved, and she has done that. I taught her how to love by loving her unconditionally, and she soon loved everything around her with that unconditional love but only one person even more than that-your brother. I didn’t teach her how to love with the hope that she would have her heart broken but with the hope that she wouldn’t be afraid to love, even if it meant having her heart broken,” he explained, his voice softening as his eyes glossed over with tears that I had never seen him allow to fall.
“I taught her everything I knew about life, love, war, death, pain, and suffering. It wasn’t with the hope that she would run off and put her life at risk, but it was with the hope that if she chose to do that, she was as prepared as possible,” he explained, blinking away the tears that always rose to his eyes when he talked about Eva. She was the light of his life, his pride and joy, his everything. He cleared his throat, “so, trust me when I tell you that I know how it feels to want to shelter her. I’m her father; I know all about that. However, the one thing that makes it easier is that I know there will come a day when I can’t be beside her, when I die a warrior’s death, and from that moment on, she will need to be her own guiding light, her own protector, her own hero. And if my time with her is limited to this lifetime, I want to see her smile as often as possible because that’s what gives my life meaning, to see that my children are happy,” he explained, silence finally falling between us again.
After thinking on his words for a moment, I spoke, “but how can you be so comfortable when she leaves for Midgard without saying a word about it to anyone? How can you be so calm when she could be in danger, when there is a possibility that she may not come home?” I asked, my mind racing with thoughts of her possible demise. Ever since the battle with Ezra, she had been acting strange, almost as if she was trying to hide something from me. I didn’t know what it was or why she was acting so distant, and I just wanted answers. I glanced over at Aaldir again, “how can you be so comfortable when she’s putting her life at risk?”
“Because it’s not my place to make decisions in her life. She’s my daughter, yes, but she’s her own young woman. I make my own decisions that impact my life, so what gives me the right to make her decisions for her?” he asked, challenging my train of thought, “the only time I’ve seen her happier than when she was with your brother was when she felt she had done right by herself. She needed to be on Midgard to do what she felt was right. She followed her heart, and it led her there. Who are we to discourage that?”
I shook my head, “people who care about her safety and security,” I answered, not understanding how he could be so blind to her self-destructive behavior, “I know that you raised warriors, and I owe all my skills to you as well. I just feel like Eva is throwing that all away to chase a fantasy. She has always put the lives of others before her own. If she can subdue an opponent instead of killing them, she does. If she can talk someone down instead of hurting them, she takes that route. It has been a dangerous path for her to tread. The greatest warriors live to fight another day, and she seems like she’s on a mission to get herself killed,” I rambled, feeling out of breath.
Aaldir let the silence fall between us as he thought of what to say in response to my argument. To question Eva and her decisions was a dangerous game to play, especially when I was talking to her father, the man who trusted her judgement more than he trusted anyone else, “the greatest warriors are ones who fight for others without need for recognition. They give up their comfort and peace to ensure it in the lives of others. They don’t need parades or words of praise or even love and admiration from the people they’re protecting. They are not loyal to a person or to a throne, but they are loyal to their moral code...to life. They’re the warriors who would forfeit their lives for the ones they fight for and the ones they fight beside. My son was one of those warriors, and my daughter is the greatest warrior I know,” he explained, wanting to make me understand just how honorable a warrior she was, “she jumped in front of a sword for you and-”
I cut him off, “and nearly got herself killed in the process!” I reminded him.
“It was to protect you!” he exclaimed, his voice growing louder as he saw that I was growing more and more frustrated at the situation we found ourselves in.
I was powerless to do anything to bring her back home, and I felt like I was being left out of her decisions. It hadn’t been like she included me much in the decision-making process in the first place, but to be completely oblivious to what was going on upset me, “she’s acting erratically and defiantly, and her trip to Midgard proves that,” I stated, my anger continuing to well up within me.
He smiled to himself, his eyes telling a story of a time long ago, a time I was a stranger to, “her trip to Midgard proves only one thing, and that’s the simple fact that she is willing to do anything and everything to protect the people she loves most. Tony Stark is among those people whether you like it or not. And you know what's at stake for her on Midgard,” he reminded me as we finally reached the palace. I knew exactly what he was talking about, as I had met her on many occasions. I knew that Eva’s soul was torn between here and Midgard, and I always felt my heart aching for her. She wanted to be close to those she loved here but also those she loved on Midgard. At the mere mention of her, I became quiet once more, my anger and frustration around the situation falling away.
In my silence, Aaldir continued, “Eva has always been a free spirit, flowing like the waves and going wherever the summer breeze took her,” he reminisced, thinking of the girl who turned him into something more than just a warrior. Where he had once been one of Asgard’s greatest warriors, nothing more and nothing less, he was a loving father before anything else. She taught him just as much as he taught her, and I saw it in him every day. He changed little by little every moment he spent with her, “nothing and no one could tie her down, and that’s what Loki loved most about her. As a child, he learned to be calculating in order to protect himself from the heartache and rejection he felt every single day. Eva showed him that his life didn’t have to be like that. She was his taste of freedom, and the time he spent with her was time away from the rules and discipline. She was his guiding light in the darkness, the brightest star in his sky. He loved her wild beauty. She set him free,” he explained as we reached the doors to my mother’s chambers, “I think you have something to give her,” he reminded me, gesturing to the door before taking his leave.
I stood outside the door, watching him walk away, a man who placed every ounce of faith in Eva, and I could only hope for his sake that she would make it home safely. Once he had turned the corner and disappeared from my sight, I turned back to the tall door, which opened before I even had the opportunity to knock. My mother stepped to the side, gesturing for me to enter the room. As I stepped around her, I sensed her muscles tighten, “what’s wrong?” she asked, concern washing over her features as she closed the door.
I sighed, “Eva left,” I stated, trying to ease her into the news. I didn’t want to spring it all on her at once, so I wanted to break it up into smaller pieces for her to digest easier.
She nodded her head, “she left for Midgard. I sensed it,” she replied, knowing that her prediction was true. Just as Eva shared an awe inspiring connection with my brother, she shared a similar one with my mother, though it couldn’t possibly be as strong as the one she shared with Loki. My silence allowed her the time to continue, “you’re upset by this. Why?”
“She doesn’t belong there,” I answered, “she belongs in Asgard, fighting the battles we are fighting instead of running off to Midgard every chance she gets!”
“And what battles are we fighting at the moment?” she asked, challenging me, “yes, Ezra came here and brought threats, but we are prepared for his forces. You speak as if Eva visits Midgard every day, but she hasn’t been back there since…” her voice trailed off as tears filled her eyes. It hadn’t been the day she left for Loki, but the time Eva went back the day after we arrived in Midgard with my brother. We all knew that when Eva came home from the battle in New York, she was different, and when she left the following day, we weren’t sure if she would come back at all. She did, but she was never the same. There was always an emptiness in her eyes where there was once happiness. Even after Loki fell, she still maintained some level of joy for the sake of those around her. After that day, though, she had truly lost everything.
I frowned at the thought of what must’ve triggered Eva to go back. She had sworn that no force could demand her presence other than her safety. All I could think of was that she was hurt, which made me want to follow Eva to Midgard even more. I sighed, “I’m just worried. What if something terrible is happening, and I can’t help?” I asked, thinking of all the possibilities and driving myself mad in the process.
Her warm hand rested against the side of my face, cupping my cheek, “sometimes all you can do in situations like this is have faith. Believe in Eva like you always have. You were never blind to her strength when you were younger, so don’t doubt her now. It’s important to feel fear, but you cannot let it dictate the choices you make. Eva learned that long ago, long before she should have. For your own peace of mind, try not to think about her. Feel her presence in your heart, but do not let the thoughts of her safety cloud your mind,” she suggested, knowing that the task she gave me would be difficult.
I nodded my head, trusting her to point me in the right direction. While I would never have my mother’s calm demeanor-a tranquility in even the most dire situations-I possessed a piece of that. I believed it was a mother’s gift, one I could never master fully. Eva was best at it, even in combat. In the silence between us, I remembered my true reason for visiting my mother. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the folded note intended for Loki, knowing that my mother had always gone against the wishes of my father to visit him in the dungeons. She would find a way to get the note to him, especially if it was one from Eva, “she wrote one for Loki and I before she left. This one is his,” I explained, handing it over to her. She nodded her head, knowing what I was asking her to do without saying it, “and...tell him I love him, too.”
#loki#loki imagine#loki imagines#marvel#marvel imagine#marvel imagines#rogue one imagine#tom hiddleston#marvel mcu#mcu imagine#loki laufeyson#loki odinson#ofc#original female character#oc#original character#angst#love#thor ragnarok#madness fic#thor odinson#thor#fanfic#fic#long fic#marvel fanfiction#fanfiction#mcu fanfiction#marvel fanfic#madness
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gender is scary id rather have a cool rock.
i just wish this wasnt so important to me. that it didnt matter.
i tried to make it not matter.
ive been thinking about this hard for many years growing more confused and upset
because. youre you.
gender isnt a performance. its not an aesthetic.
i cant in good faith say im going to take back the parts of me i struggled to accept- i mean rainbow pastels are super cute and i adore adorable things and im not going to let life make me feel cringey over it again
i cant say ill change at all because im not. deciding to adhere to a different set of gender rules and rolls - hell thats one of the largest reasons i didnt want to deal with this at all
dudes dudettes and everyone on the outside of the ven diagram of idiocy can be and act and represent themself however they want and what they wear or hownthey act can't change that
so it shouldnt matter that in many ways im... girly. just listen to me talk or sing or whatever shit i do that makes me flinch now when i notice
but it does because.... because i was waiting for permission
i didnt realize it but. i didnt feel like i had any right to claim anything
im not a "special snowflake" im just like stupid queer or whatever idk
i laughed at the first person - a guy - who told me he was ace turns out im aro and ace.
i said i didnt care if my soulmate was a guy or a girl or multiple people because thatd be stupid - and then i didnt even NOTICE girls because well im not gay id know... until i dated one.
and then i found out nonbinary and trans folk were a thing.
its not scary to think you might be nonbinary. youre just outside the ven diagram. thats fine. obviously youve got to decide what that means for yourself
but.
i still felt... wrong. and it built and it built and i was afraid because... because me being a guy isnt allowed. im not special. i dont want to be special. and this - thisnis me just jumping onto the train right?
but i started getting angry and hurt and noticing all the time "miss" this and "maam" that.
or
"well im not a smartman" "youre not a man at all tho?"
"pfft well i could wingman for you." "blah blah blah wingWOMAN"
like. i decided. id try the binder thing and i liked it but dont we all like new fashion? new looks...
i decided to start cutting my hair and then... becoming dissatisfied when i looked like a lesbain instead of vaguely dudeish even though yeah im flattered that apparantly id make a cute lesbian? super flattered. its a LOOK and god do those girls look good
i got called sir once at walmart and was ecstatic.
but now i just want to cry. because people know and... i dont know hownto feel or even howni feel because the most i feel is scared which
alrifht i always feel scared about everything especially change
im lucky. i told my coworkers and they didnt even blink and changed pronouns and started calling me Dan.
Im thrilled but
im terrified
i dont take me seriously. how can anyone else? and i. i dont want people to know im trans. im not proud or whatever when i go and look at the cute designs on redbubble the way i am over aro ace stuff. its not funny or safe feeling.
itd be nice if i could just say i wish people wouldnt know by looking - they just saw a guy but its not even that? i sont want people to see me at all and yeah some of thats me just flipping out because... what if im wrong but...
i know. a large part of this is my avpd.
i got a rush
im super psyched i can just go "hey I'm a dude" to some people i know and its chill
but my brain runs on misery - if it sees me happy about something it freaks out and it takes a while for the battleship alarms to stop going off and assume the other horrible shoe is going to drop
but some part of me is wondering still
what if im not a guy
what if im making it all up
what if what if what if
you know?
right now if someone were to come up to me and say no. youre not trans. youre not valid... id probably bare throat.
byt its not validation i want or need. weirdly enough for the first time in my life ive got. plenty of validation its
surety.
confidence.
which. will only come with time. until hearing "sir" or "dan" becomes natural like a broken in shoe and then i can figure out if that was all it was or if the fit wasnt right after all.
its like. the humiliation i feel and have sometimes even now when i wear dresses. like im naked or wearing it wrong ornits very obviously unnatural on me because im very old to still need to learn how to be comfortable in it.
itll come with time but...
i already feel like i want to wear this label.
i just dont want anyone to make a big deal about it when i do... or... second guess myself out of something i want just because im not used to it.
at the end of the day in a coward... ill get over it im just... tired.
i dont want to say im a man. i never have.
but im a dude, a guy. just a person. just me.
i just wish it was more like dying my hair - unremarkable really even if it can be pretty or neat.
because. its not a big deal to me but simultaneously the biggest deal possible and honestly i wish it didnt matter
gender is scary, id rather have a cool rock
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creative writing
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
"Too many bongs" silly bastard.
So it started when i was around 15 my cousin was living with me and my Dad, he smoked pot, so did my aunty but ill get into that
in a bit. I used to sneak into my cousins room and look for crumbs of weed in his draws if i found some i would scarpe them
up run into my room and roll a joint. And then off too school i went. I was on the bus right (thought i was super stoned)
smelt more like tobacco but oh well i was just getting into it. I packed myself a tin of baked beens and some other garbage
thought it was hilarious and sat next to a girl from highschool and giggled the whole was. That was loads of fun. Serously, it was
dont mind my monotone like writing im just not in the descriptive mood you know. It gets like that after too many trips.
So off on the gateway heaven to drugs (not good, dont condone. sarcasm) And then my favourite cousin, the on i grew up with just
around the corner from me and i would sneak into my aunties room and scuffle around ooking for scrapings of weed on the ground we
got high all the bloody time and i dont regret that for a second.. i regret it for a lot more. Im starting to feel depressed brb
having some valium. I needed to take the edge off. Its unfortunate weed does that to some people. Im starting to really question the
war on drugs, and wheres the fucking happy pill? I remember one time me and some of my old friends "were out the back" (where we
would smoke bongs) saw her dog eat a whole lizard we cracked up so fucking hard. She literally dug it out of the ground.
Its funny being a teenager and thinking your being all stealth mode while your parents know exactly what your doing. We had this
weird ongoing joke that we were gagging and spewing after bongs just to see who would actually spew from it.
it was hilarious. I wont write about all of that.
"a Fucking cigarette" for fuck sake.
so it all started when i was 18 i began to lose my mind. I walked outside and saw the moon beaming.
i looked up to the stars and wondered if i was alone. Were there aliens above me? was i sent from above.
"clearly i was delusion, says the nagging voice in my head. But i was so filled with wonder, i felt wonderful.
This was after smoking a cigarette.. benson and hedges ofcourse. I felt as if i was on a trip. I didnt know whether or not
there was drugs in me but looking back its okay. It was a memory... a thought maybe i should get Mr Burns with radiation poising
tattood on my overly big calves. Hmm probably not. So, that was my first paranoid delusion which in retrospect is a conspiracy that many
people have delved into in he past and havent given up on themselves. but was it heresay for them and experience for us?
Thats the question that was just on my mind, Hmm. I was told not long after my eighteenth birthday that i was not going to
"make it in life" because i hadnt been to university or finished highschool. So off in an ambulance to the nuthouse i went.
Because of PSTD i wont go into it, but i will say this; dont give up before youve really understood yourself and the world.
dont giv up ever. Suicide, delusions, conspiracys are memories adventures and i didnt line that up perfectly but look
life is life, and there aint nothing better than that. Life is an awfully big adventure. Peter pan quote, flipped on its
head for ya.
"Lulu" my baby pup.
So itd been a long hard 3 months in hospital, i had just gone through another mental beating off of the nurses. One of them pulled my hair. Cunt.
In his defence i spat a pill at him cause i was sick of being over drugged. Valium, seroquel, clopixal, flouxitine, clozapine. and many acufazes... they inject
the violent patients with it. I couldnt help it id gotten into my first cat fight and enjoyed it a little too much. They locked me in there and then wouldnt let me
go to the toilet. So i pissed on there motherfucking floor. "Ha!" had to clean that one up didnt ya hospital. It was really in humane the way they wre treating
people honestly its like american horror story back there, where the people never get out. I had a vivid dream that someone was going to kill me.
i wasnt wrong they literally dressed up in all black and came for me. i woke up and remembered the one thing my ex told me "i hope you scream" and so i did and
he/she ran away i had suspicions that the black hooded figure crept into the medicine room... the room noone ever walked in or out of? Hmm. i wnder what
they are hiding. another DREAM i was having was that there were homeless people hiding in the bushes outside of concord waiting to kill.
i guess they chose to see red. idiots. Its been a long 10 years discovering the world isnt all rainbows and butterflies. And im over the hospital trying to cover there arses.
be gone with it, they are using it as a prison now, trust me. I saw the badges. I was let go, thank fuck for that. My dogs barking madly outside. PRobably seing things
pretty sure my dog sees dead people "haha" or possibly shes seeing things in time. I do believe its possible but what it is is a delay in the workings of the universe.
Dont tell me that i know theres time differences. I didnt go to uni to have to see to believe. Thre was a woman that was pregnant in there, she smeared shit all over the walls
so im guessing she never even got let out to do that. WHAT THE FUCK! SERIOUSLY! I guess the toughst people do go through the toughest battles. Im an aussie battler.
ive never used that one before, that saying i mean. i really hope my first love doesnt end his life. Same with my most recent ex he just got out of a relationship with me and went straight
back to his first love, and to me thats okay. Its good, im glad. I was going to hold him back ya know? i really was he had money and everything. Thats another thing
the test of time has taught me. Love and let go. Wow it just dawned on me that the saying if you love something let it go... wait im changing that
if you love someone let them go, and if they go and dont come back theyve moved on positively or negatively. I cant help falling inlove with
the feeling of love
over
and over again. He told me he was going to marry me, were just kids. I wonder if ill ever find someone to love me again. I thought i was depressed and broken hearted.
and i really was, i couldnt eat i couldnt sleep i couldnt speak.
"whinging again" the fucking hospital
Theyve taken so much blood off of me its unbelievable, okay done whinging.
"sex" here we go.
i havent had sex in so long, it feels like years. I cant help that my thing is to make love and really connect on that level where your both in it. really enjoying it.
"by the way"
the man that stalked and preyed on kids is locked in a basement getting the shit beaten out of him. I think maybe torture is enough. lay him to rest.
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1st I have to say this b4 I repeat the post from fb. This is a place where I can speak my mind freely without judgement, speak my peace even. Which is exactly what im gonna do so prepare for a read. So think what u want idc, but the last thing I wanna do is tick some1 I know off cause on some level there's a mutual appreciation & respect regardless of my impression. And anyone that reads this isn't obligated to understand my opinion & I dont expect u to. With my brain its my thought process to let information out of my head so I can put things aside, observe & absorb more lol. Writing is another tool or coping mechanism for my anxieties & other psych ailments, treatment for my mental health depends on it & other hobbies in other words, especially during shutdown, something to focus on. Heck even youtube is recommended by my doctor if it keeps me happy lol. But because ill be working again, I may not have time to do alot of things I like sadly..idk i just wouldnt want to be burnt out & focus on more important things. I have a high respect for anyone working around people during this time & it must worrisome for u too, means I have to keep on my toes as well soon..its a scary world out there for an introvert but I was killin it in NY too. It was just a slow steady process with all the limitations & moving my life up there wasn't easy to begin with but I pulled through & did it all...only for it to be taken away.
So, I'm an Irish, German, Canadian,British Mut from tucson. Maternal & paternal immidiate families lineage mixed made me, including my NY blood from my bio dad. The rest is all over Europe but u get the idea. Tucson may be where i was born & my 1st home without a father & raised not knowing (were mardi gras babies btw 😒)
But NY is & will forever be my 2nd home i dont care what any1 says, I felt I belonged there. Its the other half of me quite literally.Theres a memory that's really been bugging me. Last day b4 i left it, a bald eagle flew across my path in the sky no joke going NE & I was departing back to the SW. I chose the eagle years ago cause I identify with it. including the background symbolism in different phases of my life that included them lol, but to actually see one was just amazing.
They symbolize strength+freedom in general despite it standing for the country from sea to shining sea lol. Also Braviary was always in my pokemon team besides pikachu since its gen came out lol. I've always been strong, whether some believe it to be true or not is their problem, only I know the things I've gone through. Point is different ends of the spectrum its always been with me throughout in some way & im glad i got to share it with someone that gave me the freedom I needed.
But yea I experienced what its like to be there & got to know that part of me even if I didn't find him & maybe didnt care...I feel I was meant to be there. I was in touch with my roots, lower Temps & above sea level rather than high temps & below sea level 🤣 I loved everything about my time up there. It'll always be a part of me, & I hope to see it again. But I digress.
But in regards to the relationship itself, emphasizing on what i said b4. Just as it i got "settled" in it was gone & I had no clue what was happening without my knowledge, the whole plan to bring me back, all of it, the whole chain of events that unfolded the way it did starting with leaving a marriage in the 1st place to be with him i mean come on lol. Chasing a dream that didn't play out the way we had hoped. I took leap of faith & I ended up starting over twice in 1 year with no benefit of the doubt. I still have my ny health insurance for the rest of the yr, I have to add it to my list to apply again in az. Ive been wearing the wrong prescription glasses for 6 months under quarantine & they're just now getting to stage 4 of opening lol. Just understand how frustrating that actually is for someone like me & u totally get it 😅 U want to take care of business but sometimes you're limited & gotta work around it. had all that covered there & then was told I settled, wrong thing to say & its no wonder I didn't blow up in his face right there & then 😒. But I have retraint & can control myself. Though it was out of my hands the new relationship didn't have to go sour, been just as long if not more, could've actually thrived given the proper balance with room to grow. Idk, Sometimes I honestly don't think anyone believed in me. I mean I have no debt, no record, no kids, im a clean slate type of girl lol. Yes I did end up feeling unappreciated, underestimated, a bit neglected, insecure about my body, ashamed for being myself, & I shouldn't have to feel that way at all & if that happens there obviously something off. I just didnt know what it is he wanted & needed, i wanted to help & be a good partner to this dude but why is it bad to ask the same in return? I shouldn't have to drastically change myself to fit someones standard i know, but...i needed the old him back, I missed the old us & wanted to get back to that.. Was always so closed off & probably ended up in his own head who knows, maybe there was guilt for some of the things he did & didnt want to hurt me anymore, spare my feelings any more than it did b4 it was too late.idk whatever the excuse i still don't know what triggered it all to fail so easily & i don't think i ever will. But ending up with the conclusion that I was the problem, its narcissistic to even believe that & i won't accept it. Not when he can't confront his own issuse & put blame onto himself too.. it was a low blow & literally felt like my heart was pierced at the sound of it. If im to blame its the other way around as well. My point of view wasn't acknowledged so this is my take & experiences of happened so plz dont hate me for speaking my truth.
But yea I can tell when somethings not right & feel strong empathy for others emotions. I knew something was different, there were signs everywhere since the mistrust started & during the last half of that time with him I questioned everything but sat in my own headspace as well as he did just thinking about it. If anything we failed eachother, the blame is on us both but idk what else i could've done to get through to him. That's the stubbornness, he wouldn't budge. Despite how things went down..Leaves me to think, what was the point of having me there in the 1st place, to not follow through with our shared hopes & dreams but instead spiral into such resentment for me that the interest faded. But at the at the same time...even if it ended early for him, I didn't give up & I fought to keep us okay which it was for the most part. Hindsight is 20/20, it definitely wasn't negative all the time. In fact things were great between us & acted like goofballs together, that right there is a friend despite if the stronger feelings weren't mutual. Nobody with hate in their heart acts like that, he was good, the best, cheered me up when I was down, shared interests & did things for eachother. But that alone makes me question what was truth & what was fiction sometimes ever since the trust between us started to fade. Am I in the right to feel what im feeling right now? Im angry & upset yes very, but the kindness he had throughout..he did care in his own way...which makes things so much harder.
Tripadoodle if some way you're listening, I hope u know now where im coming from. For your own benefit & quest to be a better man like you always wanted...actually try. Head my advice. Making yourself better shouldn't be put on a womans shoulders to do for u without her getting lifted in return...its alot of weight to handle for 1 person to carry lol. Get off your ass & build on yourself, learn from everything that happened & become better for yourself & the sake of others, Because it starts with u. Go to church if possible or watch them, it really does help. Even from across the country I still want u to do just as good & help u as a friend. You promised we could remain friends & im holding my end of the bargain whether u like it or not lol it was your idea during the ride here. All I wanted in the end was to not lose u in my life completely...but i should be patient i know.. Theres more space, im not contacting u directly & respecting that, eventually ill stfu lol but I feel I need this rn. I should hate u,but I cant hate u, I do still care, u had that affect on me so much that I can't really listen to others when they say ur a douchbag lol, u were still my rock the whole time even if u didn't feel the same after a while & u did help me alot as well. I see the good in people & u are good, with well balanced snarkiness & humorous sass to boot. light a fire under ur own ass & ull be okay lol. Never stopped believing in u. Ive seen what you can do, you're very smart & know your sh*t, u will go far lol. And as a friend I'd lend u my strength if I could but the most I can do is pray for things like safety/protection, healing, forgiveness, guidance, etc. Leave it to God if u feel compelled to. Give zanabell a hug for me.
God i talk way too much 😅 No im not doing any of this for attention, I want my voice to be heard as well as a possible learning experience if it had that effect on anyone. The things we learn build character & help us understand a little more about ourselves. Probably shouldn't share cuz its nobody's business, yea ive thought of that too.. But its a blog lol, Tumblr allowed it to be that space, opinions and rants are allowed & encouraged. Nothing wrong with that 🤷♀️ so who gives a crap.
These are pictures of the NY sunrise & AZ sunset. Clouds always get me cuz of the shapes, used to to take pics of them all the time. once saw mario holding a hammer when I was a kid 😂 3rd & 4th pic is a split rainbow, never seen that b4...either someone found the gold or its deciding whether or not to connect. Probably was connected but I missed it lol. But then I looked behind me after the split 1 disappeared & a double rainbow was forming. Nature can be scary but also beautiful
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1-140 question meme
wait you want me to do all of them?? Ok I guess
(that actually makes me kinda happy lol)
3 Fears
losing people, never getting away from home, and that everyone hates me
3 things I love
music, reading, writing
2 turns on
intelligence, muscular, socialism
2 turns off
misogyny, speech impediments, capitalism
My best friend
@queercedricdiggory
Sexual orientation
not sure tbh. Maybe pan? Maybe lesbian? Who can say. Not me.
How tall am I
5′ 2 3/4″
What do I miss right now
my friend Shannon who doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore
Favourite color
purple
Do I have a crush
yes
Favourite place
nature. there’s a brook in the woods at the bottom of the hill I live on. its magical.
What am I listening to right now
my spotify playlist “A Very Specific Mood Brought To You By Probably Non-Lesbian Lesbian Icons” currently Mitski’s “A Horse Named Cold Air”
Shoe size
6.5 usually
Eye color
cockroach brown
Hair color
brown/black (ft hidden rainbow)
Meaning behind my URL
oh god I was like 15 when I made it so tesseract from the first avengers but tessaract bc my name is tessa, and wasp bc she was my favorite marvel character.
Favourite song
favorite song????? uuuuuhhhhhhhhhh right now probably Mitski’s “Pink in the Night”
Favourite band
pdofjsodifjolikdsjf uhm IDK my top artists rn are Mitski, Hozier and Florence + The Machine
How I feel right now
frustrated.
Someone I love
@azirahell
My current relationship status
single and READY to flaMINGLE
My relationship with my parents
hahahahahahahah
better than most I guess. But strained af atm
Favourite season
SPRING
Tattoos and piercing i have
navel and ear piercings
Tattoos and piercing i want
WAY more ear piercings, I wanna get that custom “constellation piercing” thing but $$$$ also tattoos for each of my immediate family members (so far a turtle and elephant on opposite ankles, a power symbol on the back of my neck probably, an origami rose on one tricep, a wolf silhouette on the other)
The reasons I joined Tumblr
fandom probably? and peer pressure. thx nadia
Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?
only when Im actively texting someone when we go to bed
Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?
I dont know have you?
(Im kidding, I think I have tho)
How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?
depends on where Im going. Anywhere from 5 mins to like 1.5 hrs lmao. But on average, probably 20 mins
Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?
I haven’t shaved my legs in the past three years
Where am I right now?
My living room
Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?
LOUD
Do I live with my Mom and Dad?
yes
Am I excited for anything?
not really atm
Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?
if by sex you mean gender then yes
How often do I wear a fake smile?
lmao all the fuckin time
If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
wow uuhhhhhhh I dont know! maybe Lana Parrilla lmao idk honestly!
What do I think about most?
how much i suck lmfao
Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
I guess behind, but I dont mind being in front
What was the last lie I told?
oh god Im taking care of my little siblings i have no idea
Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
depends on the person but usually video chatting
Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
no, yes
Do I believe in magic?
not really
Do I believe in luck?
depends on the day
What’s the weather like right now?
warm. It’s almost 80, but its getting dark out so it feels nice.
What was the last book I’ve read?
rn Im in the middle of Scythe by Neal Shusterman (bc hes putting my name in the third book in the series!!)
Do I have any nicknames?
Tess, T, T-Cake, Tessticle
Do I spend money or save it?
SPEND lmao
Can I touch my nose with a tounge?
no
Favourite animal?
hmmm I guess dog
What was I doing last night at 12 AM?
lying on the couch on tumblr
What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?
oh boy idk
What is my favorite word?
people have favorite words?
My top 5 blogs on tumblr
bruh idk I dont pay attention to anything
If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?
be fucking decent already
Do I have any relatives in jail?
not at the moment that Im aware of
What is my current desktop picture?
Thranduil Tauriel and Legolas lol
Had sex?
depends on ur definition
Bought condoms?
GLOW IN THE DARK
Gotten pregnant?
nope
Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?
no
Had job?
yes
Smoked weed?
yes
Smoked cigarettes?
no
Drank alcohol?
yes
Am I a vegetarian/vegan?
no
Been overweight?
technically I think? But not really
Been underweight?
yes
Gotten my heart broken?
yes
Been to prom?
yes
Been in airplane?
well yea but I was 4 so I dont remember it so I dont count it
Learned another language?
bruh i tried
Wore make up?
yes
Dyed my hair?
yes
Had a surgery?
yes
Met someone famous?
yes
Stalked someone on a social network?
who hasnt??
Been fishing?
yeah but I dont really remember it
Been rejected by a crush?
yes
What do I want for birthday?
Idk dude thats so far away
Do I like my handwriting?
sometimes
Where do I want to live when older?
i have no idea
Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?
never snuck out but yeah Ive been caught doing “anything bad”
What I’m really bad at
everything lmao. Sports I guess
What my greatest achievments are
my writing probably
The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me
one time when I was like 14 my mom and I were arguing and she told me it wouldnt be long before I was selling myself on the streets of new york
What I’d do if I won in a lottery
ugh pay off my debt and buy a few of the things i want the most
What do I like about myself
hairrr
My closest Tumblr friend
like tumblr-only? probably leakedinlondon bc shes the only person ive ever talked to on tumblr lmao
Any question you’d like?
what
Are you outgoing or shy?
yes
What kind of people are you attracted to?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ femme wlw mostly i guess???
Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
no but i wish
Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
no
Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
my friend Kate who lives in AZ now :(
What does the most recent text that you sent say?
“Yeah I just did, nothing yet”
What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
Mitski, “Nobody”
Florence + The Machine, “Grace”
Hozier, “Wasteland, Baby”
Mitski, “Pink in the Night”
Mitski, “Strawberry Blond”
in no particular order
Do you like it when people play with your hair?
YESS
Do you think there is life on other planets?
yes
Do you like bubble baths?
yes but has tiny tub :(
Do you like your neighbors?
i dont really know most of them but the ones I do, yeah for the most part
Where would you like to travel?
All over the place, but Cuba more than anything
Favorite part of your daily routine?
cuddling w my doogggggg
What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
muffin toppp
What do you do when you wake up?
try to go back to sleep
Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
yes
Do you ever want to get married?
idk maybe
If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
lmao yea????
Would you rather live without TV or music?
TV
Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
yea
What are your favorite stores to shop in?
theres this little like toy store but it has so many funny or adult things that I love. Its called Play
Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
not everyone
Do you smile at strangers?
usually
Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
only in my dreams (like literally, I dont want ppl to know what I did in my dreams)
Ever wished you were someone else?
always
Favourite makeup brand?
dont have one
Last thing you ate?
chicken and pasta
Ever won a competition? For what?
yeah, a writing competition
Ever been in love?
i dont know
Facebook or Twitter?
facebook
Twitter or Tumblr?
tumblr
Are you watching tv right now?
no
What colour are your towels?
purple
Favourite ice cream flavour?
cookies and cream
First person you talked to today?
my lil brother Ben
Last person you talked to today?
talking to both my lil sibs rn
Name a person you hate?
fucking CHRIS
Name a person you love?
Rebecca <3 ( @parkour-margaret)
Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
chris always
Do you tan a lot?
BURNN
Have any pets?
FOUR
Do you type fast?
relatively yeah
Do you regret anything from your past?
OH yeah
Ever broken someone’s heart?
idk
Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
YUP
Is cheating ever okay?
it really depends on the situation but 98% of the time no
Do you believe in true love?
yeah. but not just one. everyone can have more than one
What your zodiac sign?
aries
Do you believe in ghosts?
this question was already asked? no
Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?
“‘Never mind, do not weep,’ answered the frog, ‘I can help you, but”
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