#i thought it was gonna be dealing with depression or something like that but it was the ONE THING i cannot deal with
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FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT
CH 1 PG 36
Infested will return on June 27th.
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Thank you to the following Ascended supporters: @chaogongoozles, @fiiresiidefrfr, @elizard4227, @grogar, Ezzoh, @susivoi, @calculuscacophony, Eros, @ivycorp, @borrelia, @mizukiz, @sanicdetails, @combinegrunt-echo-1, Pica, @veeceear, @quackenburt, ItsmeMonarch, @memendoemori, @trans-girl-sonic, & savarsenic
Content Warnings | Store | Ko-Fi | Read On Comic Fury!
DISCLAIMER: "Infested" is a horror comic ft. content not suitable for those under the age of 17.
A long-winded looking back on things below the cut:
The first few pages of Infested were uploaded to this blog on March 2nd, 2023 -- Over a whole year ago! I was so busy, too, that I completely missed its birthday (Sorry Infested). Looking even further back than that, the original story was was something I began writing on December 25th, 2022 (Merry Christmas).
It took two years to get to this point.
And hey, not to toot my own horn about it, but completing even one chapter of a webcomic is a big deal. Especially for me. My first webcomic, Fight/Flight, didn't get very far. I completed the prologue, started Chapter 1, and then had to drop it for a number of reasons (I didn't really agree with what baby-me had to say, politically, anymore).
This comic was born from a lot of intense feelings. The story, itself, too. Some good. Some bad.
I had been forced to move away from my hometown, and with that move, I lost the physical connection that I had to all of my friends. I lost the familiarity of a place I'd known for most of my life. I'm now stuck somewhere... Worse. It felt like a cage. Still does. Disconnected from the life I thought I would be living after college. I didn't have health insurance, either -- Got kicked off of it because of the move -- And as a result, I was off my antidepressants.
So there I was, at a pretty low point in my life. I miserable and lonely and every single day dragged on. And on. And on. And I felt so disappointed in myself. That disappointment became self-loathing, and it all kinda spiraled.
Have I mentioned that I'm a huge Sonic fan? I don't think I need to. I'd say it's pretty obvious. But for the sake of this story, I'll say it again: I'm a HUGE Sonic fan. I've been that way since 2003 with Sonic Heroes. The franchise has been in my life for over two decades. I had a monthly mail subscription to Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog was something that I truly loved more than any other piece of media. It brought me endless joy. Until I didn't.
I had dropped Sonic after Lost World was... Itself. I had already felt pretty irritated with the Meta Era, and Lost World was the final straw. The last bit of hope that the series could recover was snuffed out when Forces was released. It was over. I was done. If Sonic was truly that embarrassed by itself, if they had truly lost touch with what made the series so great, then I wouldn't waste my time any longer. I was so sure that I had to just... Grieve and move on. My beloved childhood game series was dead. Long live the king or whatever. I'd just bitterly read IDW Sonic and think about what could've been. I was lucky to have that comic, at least. Archie had been canceled, too, after all. I was lucky to have my scraps.
Then Sonic Frontiers came out. And it changed everything.
And my god, it was everything. It was everything to me. Flaws be damned, it was everything. To. Me. The spectacle. The serious tone. The vastly improved writing. Kellin Fucking Quinn. It was FUN! It was actually FUN to PLAY. He was back. I was back. Sonic pulled me by my hand out of the ocean of misery I'd fallen into, and he looked me in my eye and he said;
"Hey. You're gonna be alright."
Metaphorically speaking. Sonic The Hedgehog didn't actually literally speak to me -- And sure, okay, maybe it's a little dramatic to describe a game as this great Depression Annihilator but I'm dead serious when I say that, for that time, before I was able to get back on my meds, I was self-medicating with Sonic.
Sonic was all I was thinking about. I reread the Unleashed arc in Archie Sonic, which got me sorta realizing something, and which led to my post where I said something along the lines of "Sonic would hide a zombie bite."
Archie Sonic would, at least. Because he basically did do that in the Unleashed arc of that comic. He let that problem fester until it became an even bigger problem because, ironically, he didn't want to be a problem.
So one thing led to another. I thought more about Sonic becoming a zombie. Bada-bing, bada-boom, Infested was born.
I didn't expect it to get the attention that it did. I felt lucky when the first page I drew Rouge on (Page 6 I think?) blew up. The right people saw it at the right time. I'm extremely grateful for that.
I'm extremely grateful for all of you.
So yeah, one chapter. Woo! Here's to many more.
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Thoughts on JWCT
First off, i absolutely loved it. I was honestly worried that i was gonna be disappointed, but it was perfect. It was so good i had to stop and take breaks to cry/scream/do a lap around the room lmao
Everyone's reaction to brooks "death" had me bawling. Darius calling her just to hear her voice, sammy still being able to see her when she looks at the jacket, when they were deciding if they were gonna get on the boat and yaz said something along the lines of "getting on the boat would be a very brooklynn thing to do"- Kill me now they all miss her so much
KENLYNN:
THE PICNIC SCENE. they loved each other sm :(
kenji's my son and i hate that he was so neglected by brooklynn- yes she was struggling herself and im sure she was trying to do what she thought was right but he deserved so much better.
BUT THE LOOK ON BROOKLYNNS FACE WHEN HE BROKE UP WITH HER :(
how ENRAGED kenji was at anyone he thought was involved/to blame for brooks death - HE LOVES HER
He was so sad in her apartment. Also when he tripped on her boot:(
THE WAY HE GAVE DARIUS THE EXTRA HELMET AND WORE BROOKS
The AGNST with kenji loving b still but also feeling bitter/betrayed because of how much she hid from him
I could go on and on but im not gonna
Darius and Ben:
I've shipped these two from the start so i am quite depresso espresso but they were still adorable
I HAVE HOPE THAT THEY WILL MAYBE WORK OUT IDK
ben does not have a girlfriend. what the fuck was that. No. that precious jungle boy is not straight.
THE WAY THE BICKERED LIKE AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE
Darius and kenji:
darius and kenji killed me. I love them but its actually so heartbreaking that their relationship became so broken.
i LOVED that kenji wasn't pissed at darius for being in love with brook. Really showed maturity on kenji's part
THE BROTHERS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO BEING BEST BROS AGAIN. I DON'T HAVE TO BE DEPRESSED FOREVER
the fact that it makes things tense but they understand how hard loosing b is for each other bc THEY BOTH LOVE HER
The way kenji still talks to darius' mom (his mom too now)
Darius and brooklynn:
I have always like them better platonically- but im not gonna deny that in jwcc there were moments when i was like "oop ok pop off chemistry"
I do ship kenlynn- but if done correctly, i could easily become a hardcore dinostar shipper if they are made cannon
It actually breaks my heart that on top of dealing with grieving brook bc she's his bestie, darius is in love with her
Yasammy:
THE WIVES. THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME SANE.
their fight was so realistic and well done. no couple is gonna have a prefect relationship forever- there's gonna be fights.
YAZ' GROWTH. IM SO PROUD OF MY GIRL
Sammy feeling so alone broke my heart.
THE HEAD BONK WHEN THEY WENT IN FOR THE KISS AWWWW
Brooklynn:
I FREAKING KNEW MY GIRL WASN'T DEAD.
LONGLIVEBROOKLYNN
did i have my doubts? yes i did but she's still here so it's alr.
I can't imagine how alone she feels- my girl's having a rough time
I have no idea what she's doing but im sure she has good reason (im scared)
SHE'S SUCH A BADASS. can we all agree that brooklynn OWNS "who's afraid of little old me?" like that is HER song.
SHE'S STUNNING TOO. LIKE I GET DARIUS AND KENJI IM IN LOVE ASWELL.
Most importantly:
THE WHISTLE RAPOR LADY HAD ME SHAKING IN MY BOOTS.
actually terrifying. What the hell.
#jwct#jwct spoilers#jwcc#brooklynn jwcc#camp fam#kenji kon#ben pincus#darius bowman#yasmina fadoula#sammy gutierrez#dinostar#kenlynn#yasammy
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Hello! I didn't expect people to enjoy or even read the first part so the feeback was pretty suprising.
I hope this one will live up to the previous part :)
(and again if there is something wrong in it then please let me know!)
People who wanted a second part:
@im-a-killer-queen , @tabloid-junki3
Tw: angst, Simon is a depressed fella
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Simon was always a quiet person, whenever it was his personality or defence mechanism against the world... He would never tell anyone.
As always, after school he prepared himself to see your face, again. To look at you and walk away, he didn't want you to keep hoping for something that would never happend. He wasn't cruel.
But... You never came again.
It passed one day, he thought that maybe you're mad at him. But you will come back.
It passed a week, maybe you got sick. But you will come back.
It passed a month, he didn't know what the hell could happend to keep you away for so long. But you will come-
"..."
It finally hit him. You're not coming back.
That's what he wanted, right? Well he finally got it.
"..."
For some reason there was a heavy lump in his throat, but he pushed that feeling away. Just like he always does it. He didn't know how, and neither wanted to deal with those emotions.
Even if one day he would break. He didn't care.
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How much time has passed? He didn't know, maybe 5 years, maybe 10, maybe even more. Not like he counted. And not like the reason for him not counting time was that whenever he thought about it, he felt like he would throw up.
He didn't realise it as a kid, he couldn't know what would happend to him in life.
He didn't expect his family to be gone forever, he didn't expect feeling so... Empty.
Sure, he joined the military. He had companions and even friends but... There was no one who looked at him the same way you did.
He caught himself many time going back to you in his mind. Whenever he felt like he didn't deserve to live, he remembered those soft, affectionate eyes. You wouldn't want him to end it all, right?
And then he would frown involuntary. He had no right to be so selfish. He pushed you away, hurt you and finally made you leave. Maybe you really hated him? That thought made his stomach turn again.
But again, he pushed it aside like every emotion. Even if he called himself selfish and tried to not think of you, he silently begged that he would never forget your face. He couldn't lose another person.
The work went like always, days blurred into one and he just complied to every order. It was easier to deal with all that pain when he didn't have to face it. When he got his mind busy with work.
One day he got hurt, not a big deal. He was never the one to go to hospitals as the wounds would 'heal on their own' while leaving a nasty scar. But he didn't care about it. He stopped caring about his looks a long time ago, because who would want to be with a bloody monster?
He had to be practicaly dragged by Soap to the nearest hospital. He said something along the lines-
"It's gonna be a quick job LT"
Or at least that's what he took out of it, it was sometimes hard to understand his damn accent. But he just finally agreed.
He sat on the bed as some nurse told him to, he didn't even look at her. He could feel the weird look she gave him when he didn't take off the mask. Not like he cared... Or felt like he had the right to care.
There were few people walking through, and he just waited, unmoving, like a statue. For a moment he thought about leaving, but then someone came up to him. Great.
The person seemed to be a doctor, as they sounded pretty professional, but he didn't look up. He only did when there was one sentence repeated over and over again like a broken radio.
"Are you okay sir?"
He finally looked up and just froze.
Was his mind playing tricks on him? Has he finally lost it? He saw a face, a too familiar one. One that always looked at him with adoration but now was filled with worry.
It was you.
It was... You.
At the realisation who it was, he felt every little mistake crash on him, every fiber of his body screamed and every piece of his broken heart was begging to speak. Anything.
But he didn't, of course he didn't.
He just let out a confirming huff, like if he was annoyed.
He hated it, but he couldn't stop. He wanted to apologize, do anything and everything.
But he just watched you in silence as you checked his pulse and talked to him. Oh that voice, it got a bit deeper but it still had that softness to it. He listened every word hoping that it would never leave his memory. That something-
But then you nodded at the nurse and walked to another patient.
Right.
You didn't recognize him. He had a mask.
How stupid.
Just a moment ago you looked at him with care, just like all of those years ago. But then those gentle eyes left him. They now were turned onto another patient. Your smile wasn't only for him to see.
He realised that.. he was no one special to you anymore.
It hurted. Why? He pushed you away. That's what he wanted.
But once you finally left, he missed you.
He missed the way you followed him like a pup, he missed how you tried to make him smile, even if as a kid he didn't appriciate it.
And even worse, he missed those loving eyes.
He needed them.
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He didn't know why, maybe he knew but also didn't want to admit.
But he kept searching anything about you. He searched where you worked before, to what university you went to. He checked everything, but it still didn't feel enough.
He hated those feeling, you were right there just an arm away but still out of his reach. No matter how much he tried to lift his hand towards you, he couldn't bring himself to do it.
So he just let you live your comfortable life that you created for yourself, sometimes watching you work, but nothing more. There was no place for him in your life anymore.
It was until he was injurned, heavly. There wasn't much he could complain about as he was barely concious as he was rushed to the surgery room. The white hospital lights flashed into his eyes like if someone was making a cruel joke on him.
A lamp, light.
No lamp, no light
A lamp, light.
And again and again and again.
As if he already saw the light that everyone talked about when they were near death. The white light to heveanly gates that each lack of the lamp were taken away from him.
He neither did deserve heaven or even death.
He felt a cold table under him, he struggled to move, he struggled to fight when he felt someone's hand on his mask.
His eyes opened wide open, trying to push it away. But he stopped once he saw you. You, who were desperately trying to take off his mask, for what would come next.
He let go, his fate was already sealed.
Nothing he could do.
Once he felt the air hit his face, he saw your expression. He didn't blink even once, just to see every flashing emotion that was going through your face.
There was shock, worry and then so much despair. You couldn't help it, couldn't help how your face almost grimaced in pain, like if someone was stabbing your heart over and over again.
That hurt, but not only your heart.
He finally closed his eyes as he felt like he had died. Again.
He thought he had found something to make him want to live, it wouldn't matter that you didn't know. He would watch you in silence, but now you knew the truth, knew who he was. And you hated him.
He wished he didn't wouldn't make through this surgery.
After many hours they were slowly finishing the surgery, but Simon didn't feel alive. He was mouring the death of his heart.
You hated him, there was nothing he could do.
These words spinned in his head like vultures that waited to dig into his skin.
They hate me.
They hate me.
They hate me-
"I'm sorry."
"..."
What?
Simon once again opened his eyes, you were still there, but didn't look at him. Maybe you couldn't bear to look at his face. Maybe he overheard it.
But your eyes were glossy, hurt.
He didn't know, of course he couldn't know. Through all those years you wondered if he understood your sign of love, that you so desperately tried to kept alive.
You didn't hate him, you never could. You felt so much pain because you felt like you betrayed him. He didn't want to see you, and there you were. You felt like you broke some sacred secret, and all you could do was to apologize.
He understood that... You don't hate him.
How can you not hate him? He caused you so much pain, said so many hurtful words. But you stood there like if you were about to cry because you intupted the way he told you to love him. Like if you were the one who did something wrong.
He should have never said it. He never thought you would really do it.
He wanted to speak up, explain himself, but he couldn't speak. Maybe because of the injuries or maybe out of fear.
Soon he watched you walk out. Again leaving his life. He again let you leave.
No. He couldn't allow it.
Not this time.
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It passed two weeks- no. Maybe a month? You didn't know. You couldn't really focus on anything as the days started to blur behind your tears, tears that threathened to flood the world.
You felt just like the day when Simon stomped on the boquet you gave him. It hurt so much. You thought you healed, yet every little scar was opening again and felt even deeper than before.
You were so lost that you didn't hear the doorbell rang. The person was persistent, ringing and then knocking loudly which caused you to jump slightly.
A sigh left your lips, right. Your landlord? He was probably annoyed that you didn't pay yet.
You got up and went to the door, everything felt heavy, the dark room overwhelmed any light of hope.
And you opened the door.
"..."
There was Simon. The Man was looking at you as suprised as you were, as if he didn't try to get your attention for good five minutes.
His lips opened few times and immidietly closed again, he wanted to say so much, but also couldn't say anything. He had planned what he would tell you, what words he would use. But everything crubled when he saw you and your shocked face.
He cleared his throat and just pulled a boquet from behind his back.
It was just like the ones you always tried to give him. It was carefully picked, with smiliar colors to the ones from the past.
He was nervous, he didn't remember the last time he was so nervous. He felt his hands become wet and he subconciously fixed his collar as if trying to get more air. He even forgot to breath as he glanced into your eyes, not brave enough to fully look into yours.
And what did you do?
What else could you do, but to finally hug the man that you wanted to love for years?
For a moment Simon stood there sttuned as he quickly extended his hand that held the flowers so you wouldn't crush them, and then without any hesitation hugged you thightly with his other arm.
A loud, relieved and a slightly shaky breath left his lips. You really didn't hate him, something he was afraid of, to the last second.
You accepted the flowers that he carefully picked, the total opposite to what happend when you two were kids.
You didn't crush them, you accepted them as you both finally grew up to care for the feelings between you.
"Stay with me."
These were Simon's words, he gave you another way to show your love for him, so what else could you do but to accept and stay with him?
#simon riley#simon ghost riley#simon riley x gender neutral reader#simon riley x male reader#simon riley x female reader#cod
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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kinda wish youtubers who usually do lighthearted stuff put a cw at the start of videos that deal with more intense and heavy stuff
#watched almost an hour long video of a game and it fucked me up because the whole time i had no idea where it was going#i thought it was gonna be dealing with depression or something like that but it was the ONE THING i cannot deal with#yea#stiff talk
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.
#the day was going so well until my mom decided to be mean to me for no reason in a piblic space where i was already feeling scared and over#stimulated. i wanted to try out the skateboards in decathlon but there were too many people and i got scared. and my mom suddenly said that#the skateboard that she was going to buy for me after/on my birthday. she had decided to buy now. since we were alr in theshop and i said no#way bec i hadnt decided which one i wanted yet and i was soo panicked. and then after some time when id calmed down a bit and was gonna try#to skate anyways she started questioning me abt when i planned on peacticing and where i was gonna do it and i obviously just started saying#things that i thought she would approve of. and then she told me i didnt have the time management skills or resolve to make it work. and she#just kept on passive aggressively bullying me until i just couldnt do it anymore and i told her i wanted go leave the store bc she was#spoiling the mood. and then she started bullying me louder and she told me to stop blaming her bc she was only asking me a question and she#didn't want to waste any more money on things that i wasnt gonna do even though ive wanted a skateboard for years now and have been actively#asking her for months. and i just lost my emergy and my appetite and i wanted to leave the mall and go home but insteaf she gook us to a#bagel place that ive been trying to get her to take us even though i felt like throwing up before we even left the mall and i told her i#didnt want to go there. and my brother even told her that she was ruining things for everyone. and he still ended up blaming me in the end.#but whatever. i kept getting flashbacks to insanely traumatic moments where shed yelled at or bullied me or cornered me or tried to#embarass me in public. and this is most likely my last year at home. and my last year of childhood. and its all going to be remembered in my#brain as underwhelming and depressing and mostly horrible. and im going to leave home and never cone back and my last year at home is going#to be just as shitty as every other year and ill just have to deal with that and try to build something good and new and kind when i leave#she shouldnt speak to her own children like this. she shouldnt be looking for reasons to make things miserable for me all the time like this#i should study. my head hurts. my entire body hurts so bad#delete later
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I am so high I love you dabs I love you big bong rips I love you huge heavy bong I love you only having 20 dollars to my name and no plans but getting high and ignoring it I love you oh no I’m thinking about it
#I want to take an ice cold shower and scream and smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and lock myself in a closet for 72 hours in the dark with#no distractions to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of my life and to face every bad thought I have and struggle to#ignore even years later like ugh I just need to be at the bottom of the ocean floating sinking alive dead in between for like a month and#then pull me back up and either I’ll be normal or I’ll be so fucked up they just put me back in there#like either way I am vibing at the bottom of the ocean (I have been desperately imaging a sensory deprivation tank all day)#(put me in a fucking sensory deprivation tank until something in my fucking brain rewires and I get worse or better than I am now this#inbetween stage is fucking killing me like what do you mean I’m not a horrible person but also what do you mean I struggle every day but I’m#normal but I have things about me other people don’t and alienate me to the point of near total isolation but also this is just how humans#are and I need to take meds and actively struggle to fit into a perfect little box of what a person should be like god damn I am so tired of#getting better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and I’m miserable and I’m happy and I’m sobbing and#I know a month from now I’ll be depressed again or I’ll be the best I’ve ever been and it’s so fucking horrible to be in the middle stage#where I actually have to step up and admit shit is wrong and face it like why can’t I just lay in bed forever until I become the bed and not#like get a job and have a future. ugh. depression is so fucked esp bc most things in my life are normal I guess or like easier than my#friends like we all have seperate challenges but I’m the only one still living off their parents (ha. parent. forgot for a second.) and the#only thing wrong with my life is the mental health issues but I won’t step up and deal with it bc I feel like I’ve been depressed for so#long I like fucked up the foundational shit and like I know it’s fine but also I feel so behind and I feel like I’ll be behind and unhappy#forever even when im happy I know the next depressive episode is right around the corner and I give up again. ugh. I hate knowing that’s#what’s wrong with me but still not having the energy to step up and fix it. im so pathetic I want to cry. my brain is me but my brain is#destroying my life. anyways. im high and now im sad and have dry mouth. I think im gonna drink ice water and change into shorts+lay in bed)
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um… bad jew moment 💃🏻
#purrs#food#ed tw#<- just in case#delete later#every time i go to complain about yom kippur or pesach on here i hesitate bc imwlike god im not gonna be inscribed in the. book of life bc i#dared complain about it and im not even observing them as strictly as i should which i know is a flawed way to even think about it bc it#doesn’t matter or whatherr bjt like. god. the food related holidays are so fucking hard. i am not going to go eat something or stop observij#them or whatever bc the discomfort is the point but girl i am taking 3 hearts of hunger damage every minute and i haven’t even reflected and#i can’t think bc im shaking w hunger. idk. it’s not even a big deal but also like none of the other jewish ppl i know observe the high holid#holidays or like any holiday and it’s just very uhmmmm. isolating. im not that religious i guess or like spiritual or anything but this fee#feels important to me even though i kinda hate it and it’s like a little confusing that no one else is doing it and that’s not like a jusgem#judgment of them as much as it is of me like what am i even doing this for if it’s just my family and we’re miserable and starving all day.#idk. i am about to get smited for having these thoughts let alone posting them on tumblr ♥️ but every yom kippur i get depressed about my#jewishness and i know it’s like up to me to make it fit or whatherr but i feel um… bad and disoriented bc i can’t even think straight bc im#starving and missing everything. like how am i supposed to reflect atone repent etc if my brain is crashing. idk *struck down by god for#being the wicked son when really i think i just have a good question and i am allowed to question it maybe. idk. lol*#it’s like *learns over the course of my college career that when i don’t eat i am more depressed and more likely to fall into harmful think#thinking patterns and to spiral into pits of not taking care of myself* *fasts on yom kippur* *doesn’t eat bread during pesach even though#bread is like the most filling thing i eat* and i know im complaining about like. 9 days out of the year but. it’s bad lol
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won’t call what i’m doing “relapsing” bc that feels incredibly disingenuous but i am definitely backsliding again <3 why do i always wanna force myself back somewhere i don’t fit anymore. there’s nothing else for me there, nothing to accomplish by waiting or feeling this way, and yet.
#and yet.............#truly need therapy so bad but i'd be so embarrassed to announce these thoughts to anyone but myself#i hate the part of me that believes in things despite having no genuine reason to believe them.#wanting something to be true doesn't make it true dipshit <3#idk honestly maybe i was expecting to backslide bc usually after an obsession is over i delete EVERYTHING related to it#but i didn't this time bc it felt like. The Penultimate One. the absolute last of the last#and i had too much sentimentality about the period of time i spent obsessed even though i was hurt and angry and depressed and destitute#(undeservedly btw LMAO ik i have absolutely nothing to do w him)#i just wish i was normal idk anymore#i'm never gonna get better and no one will know how to deal with me so i'll end up killing myself but it's swag#truly just don't know what to do or how to proceed with my life anymore. i'm so trapped by everything and there's no hope or way out#so of course i go back to the last semblance of happiness i 'had' even tho it was just me being delusional again#what can be done about it! no one will save me! ^_^#oh well
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i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa
#the bin#i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious#so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh.#i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad#im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20#more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long#and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful#i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed#and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what#else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option#i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed!#it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them#all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister#also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be.#i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul#fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh.#how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon#and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some#i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to#all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone#besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider#friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period#i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho.#i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past#8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me.#its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone#it will get better. it has to.
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hii i read your fic with the humanalastor! x reader where they become like partners in crime (i loved it sm)
and got an idea based off of it
what if Alastor dies first and a few years later Alastor and the reader reunite after she goes to the hotel? thought it would be kinda cute :)
A/N ngl I was thinking of doing something like this so I am very happy it is desired by the people as well. Also, we're gonna pretend that the timeline I created wouldn't make her like over a hundred years old when she died, okay? Okay.
Cover Up Pt. 2 (Alastor x Reader)
Pairing: Alastor x Reader
Warnings: Mentions of murder and blood, nothing graphic. Alastor being a depressed little bitch. Also a lot of dead bird metaphors for lost hope. Please let me know if I forgot anything.
Word Count: 1,971
Part One: Cover Up (Human!Alastor x Human!Reader)
Master Lists:
Master Lists
Hazbin Hotel Master List
When Alastor had died, Y/n had shattered. Their years of holding one another's bloodstained hands had finally drawn to a close. They had a good run, nearly a decade before anyone caught on. His death also came with the added downside of throwing suspicion on Y/n. To say the event changed her life would be an understatement.
When Alastor had first woken up in Hell, he had mourned his loss as if she was the one who had died and not him. The allowance of such a foolish thing was short lived. He quickly realized there was no way Y/n wouldn't end up in Hell as well eventually, with her track record. He refocused his pain, his anguish into making sure he had the perfect world to serve up to her on a platter as soon as she arrived.
As the years ticked on, the little bird fluttering away in his ribcage became more and more despondent. He tried to distract himself by continuing his work, continuing his plans for her. Always for her. It worked to a certain extent but, soon it had been sixty years and she still hadn't made her arrival. It didn't matter how many overlords he killed, how many worthless souls he tortured. There was nothing that could take his mind off that.
Alastor wondered what sort of life Y/n had made for herself after his death. He wondered if she had found love again, held out hope that she hadn't. It was a selfish wish, he knew it. Alastor had always been selfish. It wasn't that he wished for her to be unhappy, just that he knew she was the only person, living or dead, out there for him. There was no hope for Alastor that wasn't Y/n and he wanted her to feel the same way about him. He didn't want to lose, to have been an idiot, to have been the one that loved more. At the same time, he didn't want her to feel that way either. It was complicated and confusing, the twists of his own logic.
Another decade and he began wondering if somehow his beloved wife had gotten into Heaven instead. He knew it was a long shot, after everything she had done but, she had also never killed anyone who didn't deserve it. Maybe there was some exception for women who killed their pursuers, when the pursuers were coming on too intensely or had ulterior motives. He wondered if she'd remarried, if she had kids. If she was still on earth, there would have to be something that was keeping her there and that was the only thing that made sense.
Eighty years, as it turned out, had been all he could take. The bird had died and its corpse had rotted, festering into anger. Not anger at Y/n no, never anger at Y/n but anger at the world, at the system of the afterlife. He became bolder, brasher, more foolish. He got caught in a bad deal.
Coming to the hotel had been a command, yes, but it had also ended up being something of a salvation for the man. In the seven years of his disappearance from the rings of Hell, there had been little to distract him from the growing hole of Y/n's absence. It was a hungry thing, a deep seated want, a controlling desire. The hotel served to fill it. Not completely, but a little. It was better than nothing. Besides, for all her violence, Y/n had always had a way of seeing the best in others, in the world around her. He was certain she would have liked Charlie if she ever got to meet her, certain the hotel would shine in his wife's eyes.
Husk and Nifty were the only two who knew. They had both met him when Alastor's focus had been the creation of a world for Y/n, it was impossible for them not to. They had both noticed how as the years had passed, he had said her name less, how he had become crueler. Not even Charlie had in inkling of an idea that Alastor might be missing something, might be unshakable heartbroken. He hid it well.
Even now as he entered the lobby intent on finding Charlie in order to discuss some of the decor on the upper floors, he made sure his smile was firmly fixed in place. A smile was the strongest weapon a person or demon could have, the strongest disguise. He made sure he was never without one.
"So you just arrived today?" he heard Charlie saying as he began to make his way down the stairs.
He could see her by the door, talking to a demon whom her position obscured from his vision. A new guest. Internally, Alastor sighed. This was throwing a wrench into his plans for the day.
"Yeah I... it's all so confusing here. Wonderful in a way, don't get me wrong but... when I heard about your hotel, it seemed safe."
The unknown demon's voice was soft, it pulled at his heart strings. The corpse of the bird was a puppet at its familiarity. It was a sickening feeling, the dead body of his hope being pulled up and twitched around for another's unknowing amusement. Alastor nearly faltered, hesitating on the last step.
"So are you actually interested in redemption?" Charlie asked, sounding downcast.
"Well, I'm not really sure yet. Is that okay? I mean, I just got here today and... either way, I love the idea of your hotel and I want to help. I could work as a maid? Or I'm a pretty good cook? My husband always said so anyways. I'm sort of trying to find someone too so... What I'm trying to say is that I could work until I've figured it out, if that is alright with you?"
Charlie hummed in thought as Alastor began to cross the room, heading straight for the pair.
"It's a bit unorthodox but, I suppose. We could always use another helping hand."
"Really!?" the stranger exclaimed, "Oh thank you!"
Alastor was over Charlie's shoulder practically now. She shifted on her feet, allowing Alastor to at last see the person she was talking to.
"So, what's your name?"
The demon opened her mouth to speak but, before a word could leave her lips, she was interrupted by a static filled voice. It brought back memories, hurt her heart to hear.
"Y/n."
There was no doubt about it. Even in her new demon form, Alastor knew. It was the curl of her hair, it was the brightness of her eyes, the way she held herself. She looked up at him with wide eyes.
"When did you get here?" Charlie asked in confusion as she turned to the side, turning the pair into a group of three all facing one another, "Also, you know her? Oh my gosh, wait. Are you okay? I don't think I've ever seen you not smiling before."
Neither payed the princess any mind, each absorbed in one another's eyes. Y/n took a sutering half step forwards, her mouth slightly open.
"Alastor?"
It was barley more than a whisper. She took another step towards him, then yet another. Lifting her hand, she gently cupped it around his cheek. Instinctively, the Radio Demon leaned into the touch.
"It really is you... isn't it."
Alastor pulled Y/n into his arms, wrapping her in his frame and resting his chin on the top of her head. Y/n was frozen in shock for a moment before she returned the gesture, balling her fists in to the back of his coat.
"Wow. You guys really know each other." Charlie mumbled to herself, eyes wide.
The pair pulled apart, Alastor still holding Y/n's waist as Y/n held his coat. She looked up at him, disbelief etched into her features, her sentiments reflected back to her in Alastor's own face.
"I thought..." he mumbled, raising a hand and tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, "I thought I'd never see you again."
Y/n laughed tearfully.
"Me too."
"Where have you been? What happened? What... what took you so long?"
"If I had known I was coming to you, I would have died way sooner. I lived, Al. That's what happened. I only just got here today."
"I know, I heard, but what... what kept you?"
Y/n heard the tremor in his voice, the fear. She looked up at him, eyes narrowed.
"Are you jealous?"
Alastor's eyes flicked to the side momentarily. One of his ears twitched. It might have been nearly ninety years since they had last seen one another, they might've looked completely different and had whole lives the other wasn't in, but it felt like they had just seen one another yesterday.
"Oh, you so are!" Y/n teased brightly.
"Y/n."
"Yeah, yeah. It's just dumb is all, especially now I know you've been here all along."
"So tell me."
Y/n had always loved his insistence. It was what kept Alastor to his code, kept him to her, kept him him. She smiled once again.
"Soooo..." Charlie stepped in, her hands behind her back, "Either of you want to explain?"
Both Alastor and Y/n at last turned to look at her. He was smiling again, Charlie noticed. Not the normal ear to ear grin, teeth bared, she was used to. Something smaller, something softer. They released one another, only for Alastor to immediately drape an arm over Y/n's shoulders. It almost seemed like each feared the other would vanish into thin air if they weren't physically touching. She reached a hand up, gently holding his hand where it hung off her shoulder, keeping him to her.
"Charlie, this is my darling, lovely wife."
Y/n shoved him playfully and he smiled down at her.
"You're married!?"
"Yes." Y/n nodded, "We are. Have been for what, like one hundred years now?"
"So what kept you?" Alastor asked again and Y/n sighed.
"You really aren't going to let this go, are you?"
He shook his head. Y/n slipped out from under Alastor's arm, taking both his hands in hers. Her fingers traced his knuckles, the lines of his bones beneath the surface of his skin. Her eyes watched their hands, she sighed.
"After... well, Al, you died burying a body. It was hard for people not to know. I..."
"You got caught? You went to jail?" Alastor interrupted, his smile having fallen once again.
Y/n laughed slightly under her breath.
"No, heart. I stopped my own work but, the whole world knew of yours. I thought that... it was so dumb! I thought that... if I was alive, then so was the real version of you in some way. Not the true crime, vandalized version, but the person I knew."
Alastor lifted her face to his, his hand lingering under her chin.
"You were always secretly quite the romantic, weren't you."
"Oh hush you."
"Make me."
Y/n cheeks suddenly flushed bright red.
"Okay!" Charlie interrupted, laughing nervously, "Okay, well, I'm happy for... this, um, Alastor! Why don't you show Y/n around?"
"With pleasure."
Alastor leaned down, kissing Y/n gently. Her hand was half raised to burry itself in his hair when he pulled away, smirking in response to Y/n's irritated glare. Linking arms with her, he began leading Y/n to the staircase.
"I must say, I rather like this new look of yours." he hummed placidly.
"You're not half bad yourself deer boy, if a little cocky."
"I was always cocky. That's what you liked about me."
"Wrong. It's only one of the things I love about you."
----
Next Part -> Cover Up pt. 3
#x reader#hazbin hotel#hazbin alastor#alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#alastor the radio demon#alastor hazbin hotel#alastor x reader#radio demon#radio demon x you#radio demon x reader#the radio demon#alastor x y/n#alastor x you#wife!reader#Alastor x wife!reader#hazbin hotel x reader#hazbin#x reader requests#x reader fanfic#requested#request#requests#x reader oneshot#x reader one shot#request one shot#one shot#oneshot#part two#cover up
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SMUT WITH DEALER!CHRIS!!! YUHHH
hot and bothered // dealer!chris
veryyyyyy smutty
summary: smoking with your dealer, chris, which turns into car sex
“Three grams should be fine.”
I don’t know shit about weed, yet here I am trying to negotiate the only cash I have with a random guy my friend knows. If I could look ahead of time and see myself standing here with my hands tucked in my sweatshirt pockets, kicking my feet around nervously as I wait for the dealer’s response, I would jump through the time warp and punch myself in the face.
“We’ve never met,” he notices, and I nod. “Do you smoke, or are you trying to start?”
I rub my lips together, trying to think. I never smoked before this. Well, a few times, but it was never something I did regularly. I didn’t have a reason not to, I just didn’t really care about it. My reason for starting now is pathetic. Even I know that.
Chris raises his eyebrows at me, eliciting a response to the question I never answered.
“You’re supposed to say deal and take my money. I’m keeping your business alive. Why do you care what I need the weed for?”
I realize the snippy tone I had shoved in his face, and I take a small step back, accepting defeat. This is getting ridiculous. I just want some fucking weed.
Chris scoffs, shifting the bag of weed from one hand to his other. “I was asking because I don’t want to fucking sell some lightweight girl weed that’s gonna make her spiral, so forgive me for asking. I don’t have to give you anything, you know? I have no problem turning down a deal.”
I watch as he shoves his hands with what I thought were going to be my belongings back into his pocket. My eyes widen, and I shake my head, trying to stop him.
“I’m just stressed out,” I confess, part of the truth. “I don’t like drinking, and I wanted to see if smoking would help.”
Chris pulls his hands back from his pockets, taking my cash and tucking it in his pants. “Wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head, my eyes following his hands, wondering if he just scammed me. He never hands me my purchase, he just watches me.
“You sure?”
A sigh leaves my throat, and before I even realize, my lips are moving and I’m spilling details about myself to him.
“I’m just dealing with a lot of stuff and–”
“It’s an extra 20 bucks for therapy.”
I roll my eyes. “Fuck off and give me my weed.”
He steps back before I can snatch anything from him. “I will gladly give your money back if I decide I shouldn’t give you anything because of why you want drugs. I’m only keeping the cash and the weed while we talk because you’re so desperate to spark up that I’m sure I could throw the bag and you’d run after it like a dog playing fetch.” He pats his hands on his thighs and widens his eyes at me, using a sort of baby voice as he says, “Who’s a good girl?” like I’m a fucking puppy.
“My boyfriend dumped me and I’m fucking depressed. My friend said weed would help take the edge off so I’m not a mess all the time, not that it’s any of your business.” The words start spewing out of my mouth. “Also, it’s weed, not heroin.”
He nods slowly, bringing his hand out of his pocket with a ziploc bag of weed. “Here.” I take the bag before he can retract his arm. “If you wanna talk at all, you can. Maybe I’ll lower my therapy price for you.”
I roll my eyes and start walking back to my car before turning around and calling out, “I never asked why you deal, so why do you care what I do with weed?”
He grins before he spins around on his feet and heads in the opposite direction. “Touche!”
–
I’ve been buying from Chris for weeks now. We meet up every so often, and when I run out of money, he suggests we smoke together so I can get the high I’m chasing without spending money.
The last few hours have been spent aimlessly scrolling through my phone, trying to distract myself from everything. I had completely forgotten about my plans for tonight until a message dropped from the top of my screen.
Hot dealer: Outside
“Shit,” I mutter to myself, pulling on a sweatshirt and shoes as I stumble out the door. I like his message as I make my way down so he knows I’m coming, and I nod my head to my roommate, silently saying goodbye while she watches a movie.
It’s not too cold in California tonight, but the shift of staying in my room all day under my covers sends chills down my layered body when I step outside. Even though Chris can see me, he tosses his hands up and lays his hand on the horn a few times.
“I’m right here, dickhead!”
He reaches over the center console and shoves my door open. “Well, I’m fucking hungry! Hurry the fuck up.”
I sit in the passenger seat and kick my shoes off immediately, and I watch Chris shake his head in disapproval as he throws the car into drive and peels off my street.
“Why do you do that shit?” he asks in an annoyed tone. I turn to him to argue back, but he beats me to it. “You get your smelly ass feet in here and lift them on the dash and the air blows right on them and then it fucking smells.”
“You’re dramatic as fuck. That’s not even true.”
He ignores me. “What do you want to eat?”
“Taco Bell.”
He nods. “Who’s buying?”
What a gentleman.
“I am,” I tell him. He grins. “I’m buying if it means you let me smoke your weed.”
He looks over his shoulder as he jerks the wheel to the left. “You’re just using me.”
“We use each other,” I remind him. “We do drugs and then we fuck. I get high, and you get laid. Everyone wins.”
This has been a fair trade since the start. I ran out of money and Chris made a move on me, one that I couldn’t turn down. I wanted him bad. I needed him. I can’t explain what we have. Maybe it’s friends with benefits. We don’t even feel like friends. It’s more of a business transaction.
Sometimes I wonder what my feelings for Chris really are. He’s a really good looking guy. I’ve never denied that. The last thing I want right now is a relationship. The very last thing would be to be with someone who isn’t my ex. Me and Chris will only ever fuck. I have no interest in having my heart broken, and he has no interest in committing to one girl.
My mind is everywhere else when he orders us food. I don’t even realize we’ve left Taco Bell until the sound of the bag hitting my lap snaps me out of my trance.
“Come on, eat,” he says like an instruction. “I know you haven’t left that bed, and if I ask you if you’ve eaten in the past day, I’m scared for the answer.”
I take a bite of a taco to shut him up.
He smiles and pushes the hair out of my face. “Atta girl.”
Once I finish my first taco, while he watches to make sure I don’t spit it out, he hands me a rolled joint like it’s a dessert.
I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank god.”
He pulls a lighter out of his pocket, waiting for me to put the joint in my mouth before he leans over and lights it for me. “Don’t think you’re smoking that by yourself. I want it back when it’s halfway. You shouldn’t smoke all that by yourself.”
I’m tired of him fucking me and then trying to give me instructions like he’s my guardian. One second I’m bent over the car with his dick leaving an imprint on my insides, and the next he’s telling me I need to be eating three meals a day and drinking water.
The first thought in my head when the burning sensation hits my throat is how pleased I am with this feeling. Everything is washing away. Everything feels right again.
“Why did you start dealing?”
Chris looks at me with furrowed brows, muffling a, “huh?” against the taco in his mouth. The question caught him completely off guard. He chews, swallows, then says, “Um, I needed the money, and I liked smoking. It’s literally as simple as that.”
There’s a point to all of this that I never really thought of or cared about until now.
“Why did you try to stop me from buying from you when I said I was sad and wanted an escape.”
He finishes his taco off, then looks straight ahead, avoiding me while he answers my burning question.
“I guess I was just dealing with a lot when I tried weed, and yeah it’s not a hard drug but, I couldn’t get the escape that I was looking for, so I just started trying all kinds of shit until it fucked me over,” he confesses. “You just looked so shy and scared and vulnerable, and I didn’t want to do the same thing to you just for a few extra dollars.”
“So you care about people?”
He grimaces and lets out a displeased groan. “God don’t put it like that.”
“Admit it!” I push a little further, removing the joint from between my lips and holding it with my pointer finger and my thumb. “You cared about me.”
He yanks the joint from me and lays it between his own lips. “I still do, dipshit.”
There’s a weird feeling of warmth that takes over my body. I definitely care about Chris. I just wouldn’t go as far as saying we’re anything more than acquaintances who smoke a lot and engage in other activities together while we’re high. We’ve never hooked up sober. We both know it’s a stupid idea. We only want each other when there are other elements involved, and we plan to keep it that way because it’s the only way that we make sense.
Even though I know all of this, I can’t help but stare at him like he’s the most fascinating person I’ve ever met.
“What are you thinking about?” he presses. I shake my head, embarrassed to think that there is any possibility I could have any sort of interest in Chris above what we have right now. “Tell me, baby.”
The nickname sends chills down my arms. I remember the first time he said that. He gave me an edible to try, and when I downed three, he said, “Okayyyyyy baby,” in a worried tone, then followed it with, “You’re staying here tonight. No way am I letting you drive home after you just dogged that shit.”
His eyes meet mine, and he chuckles. “Fuck, I love being high.” His free hand reaches for my chin, holding it between two of his fingers. “It’s like everything else just poof… vanishes. Nothing matters anymore.”
I nod, finding myself distracted with the pounding of my heart against my ribcage as his thumb strokes my cheek.
“What’s crazy is,” he continues. “Even when I’m not high, I am because I’m with you. You know?”
And I’m back.
“What?”
He doesn’t say anything else. He places the softest kiss to my lips, then takes another hit of the joint before he lets it out, turning his head back around and kissing me harder with both hands on my face.
My mind is racing, but my hands are desperately trying to hold onto him in any way. They find the back of his neck, toying with the curls at the base of his neck. He groans against my mouth, letting me know over and over again that he loves where I am. He grows needier with his mouth, fighting his tongue against mine until our teeth are clashing. He sucks on my bottom lip, sliding the driver's seat backwards before lifting me over the center console and resting me in his lap.
I gasp at the impact of his hard dick pressing my throbbing clit when I sit down on him. Without missing a beat, he yanks my sweatshirt off and presses his mouth on my neck, sliding the straps of my tank top down so he can kiss my collarbone with as much freedom as he desires.
“How is every part of you so perfect?” he asks in a whisper as if I could answer that question. I would do anything to see myself in his eyes.
“It’s not–”
“Hush.”
I can’t keep myself from rocking my hips lazily on his. Everything is so messy and done without any care other than us getting each other off. Chris’ head tips back when I slow down over his tip, finding it with ease even though we’re both clothed.
“Ohhhh god baby,” he purrs, his eyes feathering shut as he drops his head back into my neck, nipping at my collarbone. His hands slide up my tank top, pinching my nipples.
“Fuck, Chris,” I whine. Between his hands on me and his dick rubbing against my pussy, I’ll be a goner soon.
“Yeah? What do you want?” he teases, gripping my hips tighter and rocking me with more force.
At this point, I only grind on him harder. The friction gives me so much, yet not enough at the same time.
When I don’t answer him, he grips my jaw. “Answer me.”
I stop moving, breathing heavier as I try to catch up with myself. “Just like this. Want you to fuck me.”
Chris' smile grows like this is all he’s waited for, but it quickly falls to a pout as he rubs his hand over my cheek. I take the chance when his thumb is poking at my lip to suck it into my mouth, letting my tongue twirl around it.
“You know you don’t make the rules,” he reminds me. “If I fuck you in here, it’s in the backseat.”
I nod, agreeing to anything he wants if it means his dick is stretching me out. “That’s fine, just please.”
His hand gives my ass a tap in agreement as he lightly bucks his hips up into mine. “Get in the back.” I obey, stepping out of the car and opening the back door. “Ass up,” he adds.
As soon as I’m on my hands and knees with my butt up, I hear the other back door close, and Chris’ hands on my waist follow immediately after. “Yeahhhh good girl.” He yanks my sweatpants down, leaving them around my knees. He presses wet kisses on my ass cheek before slapping over the same spot. “You’re so good for me baby, listening so well, hmm?”
“Uh huh,” I moan out as his hand strikes the spot again.
He peels off my underwear at a painfully slow rate. I hear Chris gasp behind me, a cocky smirk so obviously on his face even though I can’t see him. His thumb rubs over my slit, spreading my arousal around. “Fuckkk, you little slut.”
“Chris, please,” I plead desperately. His thumb continues to rub over me until he pushes it inside, moving it in circular motions and waiting to hear my moans of approval. “More.”
“So greedy, aren’t you?”
I can’t stop my hips from following the motion of his hand. Every time he slides his thumb out, my ass is trying to make sure his finger doesn’t have the chance to leave my pussy.
He replaces his thumb with two fingers, making my body go still as I get used to the feeling. A whimper leaves my lips as he starts pumping slowly, and I become a complete mess when his tongue is added.
“Chris,” I pant his name. Any and all vocabulary has been stripped from me. I’m unable to form full sentences.
His tongue flattens over my pussy before he curls the tip of it, slipping between me. He uses one hand to finger me and the other to hold my legs apart and keep them from clenching together when it becomes too much.
“You can take it baby, I know you can,” he assures me, sounding so sweet until he adds, “If you can’t take my fingers, how are you going to take my cock in your tight pussy?”
We stay in that position for a few minutes. My knees buckle over time as the pleasure becomes too much, a ball of fire growing in my stomach.
My hand reaches behind me and grips his wrist. “Chris–”
“Don’t you dare fucking cum,” he warns. I fall silent, hearing only the sound of the fabric covering his lower half being pushed down. I look over my shoulder, watching him stroke his hard cock. His chin is pressed to his chest, his eyes flickering between my pussy and his dick. “You’re gonna sit there and take it like a fucking good girl and wait for me, right?”
“Uh huh,” I nod breathlessly, forcing myself to keep it together despite noticing the feeling of me dripping down my own legs already.
Seconds later, his tip is teasing my entrance, and he gives me no warning before pushing himself in. I don’t need time to adjust anymore. His body fits perfectly with mine, and before he starts thrusting at a steady pace, he leans over and rests his chest on my back, moving my hair out of the way before gently kissing the back of my neck.
“You look so good, baby.”
I hum in response, struggling to speak when his dick buries itself deeper. He takes that sound as a sign to start thrusting into me, holding his hands at my hips and pulling me back into him, meeting him halfway.
“Fuck, that’s it. Take my cock like that,” he mutters. There’s nothing shy about Chris, especially during sex. He’s the most out there kind of guy, always suggesting something new to keep things fun, introducing me to more things than drugs.
I struggle to make any sound other than staggered moans and broken cries of pleasure. I need him in every way. I crave him more than any drug I’ve tried.
I lift my ass higher as I drop my head into the seat. His hand slaps my ass, thrusting harder afterwards.
Everything about this moment is perfect. The high I had been chasing, this with Chris, the way his dick fills me perfectly like it was made for me.
A gasp leaves my mouth before I even realize I’m making a sound. “I’m gonna cum.”
He doesn’t respond. He picks up the pace and fills me deeper, and I grip onto the door for support. My moans are uncontrollable at this point.
“Gonna cum in your pussy,” he mumbles. “Watch it all pour out of you.” He groans as I clench around him, my orgasm flying out of me and leading him to his. He groans as his pace slows, his thrusts becoming messier and desperate. He fills me in seconds, pulling out and jerking off so the rest lays on my ass. He moans at the sight of his cum dripping out of my pussy before he uses his tongue to clean up the mess we made. “You okay?”
I nod. He dresses himself and gets a napkin to clean the rest of our cum with. After placing one kiss to my ass cheek, he pulls my sweatpants back up.
“I’ll buy you plan B before I drop you off,” he assures me. I’ve heard this sentence far too many times from him. He notices my silence and asks. “You sure you’re good?”
“Yeah,” I lie. “Just need to smoke some more.”
He laughs a bit then leans to the front of the car to fish out another joint.
I know exactly what the issue is.
I’m falling for my dealer.
#chris sturniolo#christopher sturniolo#matt sturniolo#nick sturniolo#sturniolo triplets#nicolas sturniolo#sturniolo fanfic#sturniolo smut#sturniolo x reader#chris sturniolo smut#chris sturniolo x reader
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Is there a blog that hosts like... warning for unreality kinds of yt vids that might trigger psychosis or delusions or smthn bc. Jesus fuck.
#I'm actually going to scream thankfully I dont have psychosis or anything but it's genuinely kinda triggering to think of the videos hurtin#Other people and I just. Kinda can't deal and I need to feel like I'm doing something to help.#On that topic the one that made me bring this up is an adult swim short titled 'hopefully this saves a life'. The thumbnail is a sketchy#Drawing of a person in a blue bed and the video itself is in the format of 'do this action to prevent this outcome'#Idk I hope this isn't like. Over reacting or anything but I genuinely thought it was gonna be abt depression or smthn and I'm just#Upset n disappointed and tired. Idk. ALSO it's got glitch visuals and sounds#If thats important
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The fact that radfems spread this post around is actually really interesting--infuriating, but interesting. Because what they've really done here is tell on themselves.
This is the shrimp guy story:
From an anonymous green text called "shrimp saved my life" [emphasis mine]:
>be depressed, suicidal xanax- addicted incel
>one day I go to my /aq/fag uncle's house for some shit
>he has pet shrimp, never seen anything like it before
>he offers to get me some 53 KB JPG
>throw them in a barely cycled tank with some shitty rock
>several shrimp die >realize that I killed them with my apathy
>realize I need to take responsibility for once in my life
>do research, learn about water parameters and so on
>eventually I have a beautiful planted tank with no more deaths
>notice a female shrimp carrying eggs
>haven't felt this excited about anything in almost a decade
>the eggs disappear and I once again think I fucked up
>a few days later I see a tiny transparent baby shrimp
>l suddenly know how the shepherds felt as they gazed upon the newborn Christ
>by this point I live and breathe shrimp
>all my spare time is spent on shrimp research and watching shrimp videos
>l spend most of the money I had saved from my last job on shrimp products
>quit the Xanax to support shrimp spending
>start putting effort into college in hope of getting a good job for my shrimp
>grades improve, no longer facing the prospect of dropping out
>relationship with parents improves since I am finally passionate about something and applying myself
>l see genuine happiness in their eyes when I talk excitedly about my shrimp
>for my birthday my mom makes me a shrimp cake
>it even has fondant legs and little chocolate eggs
>cry like a little bitch when I see it
>mom hugs me and tells me she's always been proud of me
>college dorm neighbours demand to see my shrimp
>shit they're gonna think I'm autistic
>they actually think my shrimp are really cool
>they start inviting me to their social events
>start interacting with girls, get told by girls for the first time in my life that I'm fun and smart
>l think my shrimp would be proud of me if they knew
>We're gonna make it bros. Even if you can't do it for yourself, do it for the animals that depend on you.
He did address his relationship with women. By finding a hobby and passion and working on himself--"touching grass"--he stepped away from the echo chamber that filled him with all this rage and convinced him women were to blame for all of his problems. As someone once wisely observed, "the cure is going offline and realizing it's just. really not that big a deal."
And that is what radfems have not done, so of course they didn't spot the quiet flashpoint of shrimp guy's personal development within his story.
Edit: it's been brought to my attention that the version of the greentext post I lifted the text from was censored by someone else. My bad for not realizing that, tbh it was done so well I thought shrimp guy had done it himself, but that's an important part of the post. I've gone back through and un-censored it. The reply which was spread around with the original post addressed the words themselves well, I think; however distasteful and fucked up the incel rabbit hole is, it doesn't diminish his growth.
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Why the Void State is so easy?
When bloggers say the void is easy
They’re not lying
Here’s why
Every time you fall asleep you lose awareness of the 3D
During this time
Everything around you does not exist because you are in your 4D
Which is why entering the void is easy
You’re doing EXACTLY what you do when you fall asleep
You just lose awareness of the 3D!!!
Only difference is now
You’re doing it on purpose
You’re just becoming aware that you are pure consciousness
There are lots of moments in life where we are no longer aware of focusing on the 3D
When we zone out in class
Daydreaming about our crush
Thinking what we’re gonna do when we get home from school or whatever
During these moments we do not focus on the 3D
And it feels good
To daydream
About our desires if about our favorite person or food of whatever
Because in that particular situation you are just thinking of something that makes you feel good
You’ve ever daydreamed so hard you can physically feel what you’re imagining? It takes you away from your reality
Which is why people snap their fingers at you to snap you back into “reality”
But What is reality?
Reality to me
Is whatever you assume
Whatever you want
If you’re sitting in class hungry
But you’re daydreaming about a juicy cheeseburger
I mean think about it
It’s got the perfect amount of cheese
Lettuce tomato onions the meat is cooked to your desire crispy or soft buns
(Damn I’m getting hungry)
Be honest
You just went
“Mmm” didn’t you?
Because when you daydream
It results in feelings cuz our body it reacting to whatever we’re thinking about causing emotions
Emotions play a key part in our self confidence
If you think negatively you’ll feel bad about yourself
Think positive thoughts and you’ll feel good
It’s this easy because you’re simply giving your positive thoughts a label and by labeling them you’re giving them importance
So when it comes to the void state
Reality Shifting manifesting Lucid Dreaming etc whatever
Feel
The key is to FEEL
Your thoughts
Feel your desires as you visualize them
Many people label things and give it importance
By saying you “failed” to enter the void of to shift
You’re giving it power and importance
STOP DOING THAT ✋
Because the only powerful thing here is you
There’s nothing in this world you can’t have Sugar
If you want it a you it is yours
Like
It’s yours
Failure in my opinion IS an option if you assume you’ll fail
Then you will
Don’t make this an option for yourself
“I’m gonna TRY to enter the void tonight”
Yeah bitch that’s exactly what you always do
You TRY
You gave that word importance
By doing so
You’re only stuck thinking and feeling
That all you are able to do is TRY
No you are GOING TO
There’s no trying there’s doing
When we call ourselves a procrastinator or lazy we give that word importance
By giving it that label
We’re making it harder for us to change our ways
When we say we are depressed
We’re giving it power
STOP PUTTING LABELS ON SHIT THAT DOESN’T EVEN RESONATE WITH YOU
So when meditating for the void
Your desires are that cheeseburger(sorry for any vegans here)
Thoughts create feelings
When we think about something bad
Like
“Omg what if this what if that?”
Etc
You’re going to start panicking
Mental disorders, intrusive thoughts are JUST like this
Coming from someone who used to deal with countless mental issues
I’ve been knowing this
So think about it the longer we let in unwanted thoughts we go crazy obsessing over them to the point where we start hearing or seeing things because our minds told us so
This is what created delusion fear
And something as simple as a thought could cause you to feel very negative thing as if it were real
If you think about something negative and it creates negative feelings and energy
Not only did you give it power but you’re letting it consume your energy
Why?
If you can think negatively
You can think positively
Like I said before
It’s YOUR brain
Why are you fighting it?
You’re fighting yourself OVER yourself and you’re still losing??? Huh
Babe how you losing a war that YOU started??
And why are you letting fuck ass thoughts that don’t resonate with you win?
If it doesn’t resonate with your soul it’s not meant for you and if it’s not meant for you then it will never be true
Because thoughts are thoughts
They’re the results of whatever you spend our time obsessing over
If you’re always talking about your crush
You’re gonna think about them 24/7 right?
Stop thinking
Start feeling
It’s ok to daydream
But don’t constantly think and obsess over your desires
Because of f you already had your desired bf or your desired face you wouldn’t obsess over it
LIVE IN THE END
This is your movie
If you you can skip to the best part and just stay there
Life is a movie
Who cares if nobody comes to watch and support
Who cares if it’s not interesting for some people
It only has to make sense for you
It only has to make you happy
The 3D is just here
The 4D is the REAL reality
In the 4D you are everything you wanna be
In the 3D you are not
Why?
Well bitch you’re not connecting with your 4D self
Because your 4D self
Is YOU
The 3D is dead
3D you exists because of her assumptions
You might think this is clicking
But the 4D you gets it
The 3D you does not
She needs to disconnect from HER reality
In order to be in tune with her 4D reality
So she can live in her real true reality
You need to connect with your 4D
The 3D is the cover of a book
It can be changed if you(the author) doesn’t like it
But the 4D is the inside of the book once it’s been published
You’re the author of your own life
Don’t hand someone else the pen
Create the story(reality) that YOU want to see and live in
Add new characters
Create plot twists
Because the best thing about being the author of your own life
Is nobody gets to tell you how to write your story
If you don’t like how you’re living
Turn the page💗💗
#law of assumption#law of attraction#void#void state#law of manifestation#manifesting#manifesation#loassblog#loassumption#subliminals#loa blog#loa success#law of the universe#loablr#loa tumblr#guided meditation#desired reality#reality shifting#shiftblr#shifting community
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Any analysis of how Undertale deals with Pacifism and how it tries to guide the Player towards it has to take a deep look at Papyrus. Because Papyrus is the one character in the game who will never kill, the one actual ‘True Pacifist’ in the game’s main cast.
I mean, the Player can be an even bigger Pacifist. Papyrus does still FIGHT, and the Player can get through an entire run without draining a single sliver of HP. But… they can also be the world’s biggest murderbastard and literally stab reality to death.
Toriel would very much like to not kill, but she is also fully capable of doing so.
Same with Asgore, but he has a lot more actual blood on his hands. Undyne and Mettaton are both fully 100% willing to kill to accomplish their goals. Sans is non-violent in most runs because he’s too lazy and depressed to do anything, and when he is motivated into actions - it is in the form of a FIGHT to the death. Alphys… the timeline is a bit fuzzy cause both she and Mettaton love lying so much, but it seems like she did sincerely add deadly weapons to Mettaton cause killing humans would make him more 'useful' and then had second thoughts once she developed a parasocial relationship with the Human Child and THEN she and Mettaton started hatching their little play-acting plan. I think??
With Papyrus there is NONE of this ambiguity, we know for sure - no matter what timeline or what may come - The Great Papyrus will always choose MERCY.
And the interesting thing about that is on a Meta-Sense, Papyrus is a very rare example of the game giving MERCY towards the Player.
Because the game starts out being really obtuse with the Sparing mechanic and how it works. If you want to be a Pacifist in Undertale from the get-go, you’re gonna have to work for it. You're gonna have to figure it out on your own and commit to it and believe that it's possible. It's basically a test of your own belief in non-violence and your moral integrity. Then, the RUINS end with the Toriel boss battle - in a way, that’s probably the hardest Sparing puzzle in the whole game. And it’s very very easy to accidentally kill her. (I’d almost say that’s the intention of the battle, to try to goad the Player into Resetting so they can see how the game remembers across RESETs)
And then we have Papyrus, and it’s not just that his ‘Sparing Puzzle’ is something as simple as outlasting him and letting him run out of dialogue - and it’s not just that he’s the only boss that will just give up and let you continue if you lose to him enough times. it’s also that, just as Papyrus is the only boss incapable of accidentally killing the Player - he’s also the only boss that the player is incapable of accidentally killing.
(Okay, fine, to be pedantic, there’s also Asgore)
I mean, the Player can certainly kill him if they want to - but draining Papyrus’s HP just makes him skip through his battle dialogue right to the end of it. It’s designed in such a way that, no matter what Route you're on and no matter what approach you take with Papyrus - you will always end up on this screen.
Unlike basically any other Monster in this game, including the major boss battle just before him - you can’t kill Papyrus accidently. You can't kill him without also having Sparing him as an option. The game kinda treats killing Papyrus as one of the Worst Things You Can Do because killing Papyrus will always be a deliberate, considered action done to a person who will not kill you and who has stopped wanting to FIGHT and has extended a hand of Mercy. With the game clearly communicating what you need to do to Spare him at that moment.
And that means that - even if you killed before, even if you don’t have the patience of a True Pacifist, even if you spent all this time in the game without even trying to engage with the Sparing mechanic… as long as you don’t want to be a Huge Rat Bastard, the game is basically gifting you with the very very easy option to not be. Being a Pacifist in Undertale is usually a challenge - a puzzle to be solved, a test to pass. But as long as you aren’t intentionally trying to be the Worst Person - the game is basically giving you Papyrus.
If you accept his Mercy, you are accepting the game’s Mercy. That sort of benefit-of-the-doubt assumption that maybe all of the LOVE you might have accumulated so far was all due to honest mistakes or panic or an attempt in self-defense. That you still deserve this one chance to prove that you are not intentionally, maliciously cruel - or at least not like the Worst Person in the World. Even if you did kill before, you still deserve at least one friend.
And Sparing Papyrus leads you to his wonderful Hangout/Dating Sequence and to his Phone Calls and they all add so much wholesome charm to the Undertale experience and no matter what happens Papyrus will always think the best of the Player and he will always trust them and it also makes Sans also kinda your buddy by default. And more than just adding a little bit of wholesome charm into even the more LOVE-filled Playthroughs, I think this is meant to try and incentivize these players into trying out the Mercy mechanic a bit more.
Whatever it’s, like, for future playthroughs or Resetting the game right there to try a True Pacifist Run right there and then or just trying to be a little kinder for the rest of this current playthrough - especially since there’s an emphasis about the close friendship Papyrus has with the upcoming boss Undyne, and to a lesser extent with his idol and next-next boss battle Mettaton. It’s like “well, if you didn’t figure out how to spare before, this is how you do it? And isn’t it nice to have a friend? Isn’t it nice to not have to kill this lovable skeleton man? You should do this more often wink wink nudge nudge!”
And it’s like… all of Papyrus’ loved ones care about him so much but they also look down on his pacifism. They see his inability to kill and desire to make friends as simple naivete and that’s why all tend to hide the truth from him all the time. About what will happen to the Human he will capture, about what his new Human friend might’ve done, about the fact that they view him as so naïve.
They admire it on some level, that’s why they want to protect it, but they also see it as a weakness which is why they want to protect it by lying to him all the time. But, you know, Undyne says that if Papyrus goes into battle he’ll be ‘ripped into little smiling shreds’ and that is certainly what happens every time a Player chooses to refuse Papyrus’ Mercy and the game’s Mercy and press that FIGHT button…
But have you thought about all the times that doesn’t happen? All the careless or violent players who were offered that skeletal hand of friendship, accepted it and then carried that offered kindness forward for the rest of the game? All the players motivated to do good for the sake of their buddy Papyrus? All the Murder Routes stopped because the player just didn’t have it in them to kill someone who believes in them so earnestly?
Like, no, it’s not a surefire thing - especially since Papyrus has so much less narrative power than the Actual Unkillable Time God that is the Player. But it happened, and it happened many many times to many players. Papyrus offered Mercy, the game offered Mercy. And much like Frisk’s Pacifism, it comes from a place of seeing the honest goodness in your ‘enemy’ and can inspire them to become a better person - this little sparkle of goodness being passed forwards.
And I think that’s beautiful, even if it didn’t happen in every timeline. Any potential future where Papyrus’ kindness can have such an effect on the Player and thus the entire trajectory of the Underground validates his kindness and pacifism on some level - even if there are also always the potential worlds that it backfires completely.
And there’s also one other way in which the Great Papyrus Proves Pacifism Pays. One that is a bit more practical, perhaps. And one that Papyrus himself is not even aware of.
Papyrus’ boss battle can be a surprisingly challenging one specifically because he is the only one who doesn’t kill the Player.
Like there is a reason why Papyrus will just offer you to skip his Fight after you lose to him three times, because if he didn’t do that - there’s an honest risk that the Player can get stuck in a much stuckier way than anywhere else in the game.
Because, like, for basically any other character in the game, being killed is the Worst Thing that could ever happen to them. For everyone except the actual Player Character because we are an Actual Unkillable Time God and dying is nothing more than a minor annoyance that sets you back to your last SAVE Point. So, leaving aside Papyrus’ admirably kind intentions - there is not much material difference from the Player’s perspective between getting Captured and getting a more traditional GAME OVER. Except…
Except getting Captured does not undo everything that happened in your inventory during the battle. In every other Undertale battle, if you use all of your items but still lose - the GAME OVER at least means you get your stuff back. But because Papyrus doesn’t kill you, any healing item you’ve used during the battle is still used. I have watched so many Undertale Let’s Players waste all of their valuable items on their first Papyrus battle and then have to face him again without them and thus do even worse in their second go… and then their third go... and thankfully then Papyrus offers them to skip the fight.
And while that technically can be circumvented by just manually closing the game and opening it back again on their pre-battle SAVE Point, a lot of players are gonna reflexively Save over it if they pop over to the Shop or the Snowed Inn before their second attempt at the battle. If Papyrus didn’t offer that chance to skip his battle, it could’ve easily become a softlock situation for a huge chunk of players - because he doesn’t kill the Player.
Most of Undertale deals with the value of non-violence from a standpoint of morality and kindness and personal connections. Since most people do die when they get killed. But when dealing with an Unkillable Time God like the Player, Papyrus proves that not-killing might actually be the most practical solution.
Of course, it doesn’t seem like Papyrus is aware of any of this. From his perspective, he is just offering genuine mercy to a being just as ephemeral as he is. But it accidentally turned into one of the most effective methods of blocking the Player’s way… at least he didn’t offer us an opt out so soon after that.
And it’s interesting when comparing him to how his brother Sans - one of the few people actually aware of the existence of SAVEs and RESETs - deals with the Player. Because the Sans boss battle at the end of the Murder Route is entirely based on the concept that death is nothing but an annoyance to the Player. Sans is less trying to kill the Player (the way Undyne the Undying did), he is simply trying to annoy the Player into a ragequit. But he is still killing the Player.
Now imagine a Sans battle where he has all of his usual annoying tricks, but also instead of killing you - he captures you just like his brother would’ve in a happier timeline. And while it’s not a fool-proof plan to stop the Player in their tracks - he could very easily stick them in that sort of softlock situation where they have to battle him again and again without any Healing Items. Forcing them to either abandon the game or RESET the whole world back the way it was - just like Sans wants them too.
But instead, by killing the Player, he is just allowing that perfect second-third-fourth-fifth-sixth-try where they get all of their Stuff back. And he does actually knows that. And why doesn’t he do that? (Speaking here from an in-universe character study perspective. Obviously the Doylist answer is that the game doesn’t want to Softlock you even in the most deliberately-frustrating part of the game).
Maybe, even though he intellectually knows that killing the Player will be of no help - he still does it because he wants to. Because he just wants to get back at the evil murderous monster that took his brother from him and destroyed his entire world even if he knows it’s actually ineffective. And this thirst for bloodshed is, ironically, blinding him from a new exciting way to actually practically stop that murderous bastard who is themself motivated entirely by bloodshed.
Maybe he just can’t do something like that. Reducing an enemy to exactly one HP and then stopping is not a feat anyone else in the game is capable of pulling off - even the ones who would obviously use such a thing (like Toriel or a Player with a Pacifist intentions). Maybe it’s something that requires a lot of hard practice and discipline and carefulness, that Sans never thought to put in because he didn’t see it as a useful skill the way Papyrus did.
Maybe that wouldn’t have worked anyways. After all, and that’s something I kinda touched on in a previous Overly Long Rambly Hot Take - Sans’ War of Attrition against the Player is greatly helped by the fact he can’t remember every single previous try and so he can’t get exhausted the way the Player can get. Obviously, without a GAME OVER induced RESET that will not apply. Which is especially notable because… Sans’ laziness is literally what brings him down at the end of that Boss Battle.
So maybe, while Papyrus, as long as you decline his offer to skip the battle, is capable of offering just the same Battle as before over and over and over again.... It’s possible that Sans just won’t be able to pull off two or three or more battles of the same intensity and difficulty in a row without a RESET to undo his own exhaustion.
But I think it’s at least worth considering the option, y’know? That after all this time of viewing Papyrus’ kindness as sweet-and-yet-kinda-foolish-naïveté - that exact viewpoint made Sans overlook the perfect solution to dealing with his little Murderous Time God problem. Cause he just never considered that while killing might be fully morally justifiable in this situation and very very satisfying, that does not necessarily mean it is actually the most practical solution. And that maybe, in a weirdly twisted way, Pacifism WAS the answer.
#undertale#ut#utdr#under tale#papyrus#the great papyrus#papyrus undertale#papyrus ut#sans#sans undertale#sans ut#sans the skeleton#papyrus the skeleton#undertale analysis#undertale meta#genocide route#genocide run
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