#i shouldnt have to bind!! i shouldnt have to cut my hair!! i shouldnt have to wear clothes that disguise my curves!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itsmeluvxx · 2 years

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Katsuki wishes the mirror was malleable. Watching his reflection, perfect as it follows his movements like a puppet, he wishes he could crawl through the silver frame and make tweaks. He would first change his eyebrows by filling them with hair follicles to create that bushy look he has always wanted. Next, he would move to his nose, he doesn’t know how it could be improved but he knows it needs it, it’s way too dainty. Tweaking his jawline would be next on the list. By pushing and pulling he would make it stronger. His body needs too much work to even comment on. Puberty would be the natural remedy, except, he doesn’t have that puberty- instead, he will just get softer.

His reflection frowns and pokes at the fat on his chest. He isn’t binding right now and it proves to be a mistake because the longer he stares the farther his mind wanders. It’s deep in the woods that grow in the darkest parts of his brain, overgrown with weeds and mold. And, the mold just keeps talking, “No one will love you like that,” and he replies with little sanity, “You’re right, I’m hideous.”

He walks away from the mirror, done with the conversation, to flop onto his bed, the red comforter conforming to hug him. He pulls it up around him, ready to disappear in a pile where all that exists is his eyes peeking out, watching. His All Might poster stares back and it makes his eyes feel less puffy. It’s a stupid comfort. But, the poster was his prized possession, framed and hung like precious cargo, despite it being five dollars from Walmart. His parents gave it to him when he started his transition as a sort of “you can do it!” give and he can’t give it up. When he sees it all he can imagine are his parents’ happy tears and the long talk his dad gave him about being a man. His dad was so proud of him when he repeated back the rules, the first being “men don’t hit anything but baseballs.”

His phone lights up on the bed next to him, flashing his explosion home screen and a notification. His discomfort is immediately replaced by giddy adrenaline. No one texts him, his school turned its back on him when he decided to wear the boy’s uniform and cut his hair short, but, he does have one person.

He opens the DM with slightly shaky fingers and excited eyes.

AllM1ght: KACCHAN!!!!

LordExplosion: …Deku

Allm1ght: you would not guess what i got in the mail today

LordExplosion: youre right i wouldn’t

Katsuki watches as Deku types for thirty seconds and then restarts, his typing bubble flashing for at least two tedious minutes. Sometimes he could strangle the nerd, it’s not like he could warrant the time with good grammar. Which, he knows the other has because the idiot writes nerdy fanfiction (so does Katsuki but that’s beside the point.) Finally, the reply comes through and he’s shocked by the sight of an image of Deku, something they’ve never sent before. Granted, his face isn’t in it, it’s all neck down. In the background, there are piles of dirty clothes- gross- but most importantly, there’s a shirtless Deku on his phone.

AllM1ght: I GOR MY FIRST BINDER!!!

AllM1ght: IM LITERALY IN TEARSA

AllM1ght: thank you for the advice by the way, it really helped when i bought it

Holy shit. There’s a shirtless Deku on his phone. He really shouldn’t be blushing this hard, but who knew the nerd has abs-

AllM1ght: Kacchan?

God, he thought his small, innocent crush was gonna go away soon, but nope. No hope now. He was useless and gay and those were perfectly good abs. He looked good as fuck in a binder.

AllM1ght: did i make it weird

AllM1ght: i kinda thought i shouldnt have sent a photo

AllM1ght: sorry

AllM1ght: I didnt even ask if that would trigger your dysphoria or anything

Katsuki’s eyes are torn from the photo by Deku’s rapid texting, his eyes widening when he reads the flood of messages. His heart beats off, processing Deku’s panic over his lack of answers to the read messages. He feels horrible, Deku thinks he’s sent him into a dysphoric attack of some sort when in reality he had just been thirsty. Goddammit, Katsuki. He’s an idiot.

LordExplosion: hey shush

LordExplosion: i was just distracted

AllM1ght: you sure it was fine?

LordExplosion: yah it was fine deku

LordExplosion: no need to freak out like that

AllM1ght: sorry :3

LordExplosion: Tch

AllM1ght: AWW you love me <33333

Blushing at the message, he buries himself further into his bed and covers his head with the comforter so that all he can see is the light reflecting Deku’s messages. All he wants to focus on right now is the nerd. He makes him feel all… fuzzy. He doesn’t know what to call them, friends, mutuals,- something else.

They met around a year ago. Both of them used online communities to escape when they were rejected by their schools. Deku was running an All Might fanfiction blog, reblogging anything he thought was good and posting his own. He was surprisingly good, garnering a good amount of followers. Katsuki was running his own blog, although his was more personal than anything. He would casually post and reblog transgender posts, cat videos, and he would occasionally put his two cents in the All Might fandom. One of his posts went “viral,” a stupid comment that Nighteye and All Might were definitely divorced. Deku had found him through that post, them becoming mutuals after Deku followed him.

Katsuki had thought it was weird how much Deku had been interacting with his male to female posts as Deku had his pronouns listed as She/Her in his bio forever. But then, one day while they were showing off their comic collection, Deku confessed he thought he may be a boy. Katsuki told him what his parents told him, “You can do it!” and that’s how Deku got his nickname, he said he may use “Dekiru” as his new penname and Katsuki retorted he was more of a “Deku” than anything.

The nickname Kacchan came about in a way more embarrassing way that Katsuki was not willing to divulge.

Somewhere along the way of these texts, Katsuki had developed some sort of crush- ew- on the nerdy-ass boy.

LordExplosion: sure…

AllM1ght: you do! just admit it!

LordExplosion: no

AllM1ght: cmon i love you say it back

FuCK. Katsuki was bright red at this point. Was this flirting? This had to be flirting. The idiot said he loved him. Oh my god. Panic. Panic. Panic. This was what gay panic felt like.

LordExplosion: i love you :(

He was going to scream.

AllM1ght: im blushing

He made the nerd blush.

AllM1ght: hey kacchan

LordExplosiom: yah deku

Katsuki thought the typing bar would hover for a while, in the usual Deku manner in situations like this. And apparently in ab photo situation. God. Those were hot. But, instead, the reply was almost instantaneous.

AllM1ght: do you wanna be my boyfriend

Katuski choked on his spit. What does he say? He wants to, he really, really wants to say yes. He can imagine it, calling each other up and saying lovey-dovey things. Or, flying to each other and doing those super embarrassing first meetings at an airport that always end with someone being held in the other’s arms. He hopes he’ll be the latter, as it’s the less embarrassing option of the two. He wishes for it. All of it, everything that being a couple is.

AllM1ght: ive thought about it for a while. I think itll be really good i mean ive looked up to you for so long. And you always get what im going through and i hope its the same way for you and i dont know about you but i really wan to meet you and hold your hand and run my fingers through your hair

AllM1ght: i really really like you katsuki

Katsuki. Katsuki. Katsuki. He wishes he knew what Deku’s voice sounded like saying that, but for now he can just imagine.

LordExplosion: i really like you too Izuku

He really wants to scream now. That was probably the first time he had ever used Izuku’s chosen name and it was in a cringe confession. He’ll bury himself.

AllM1ght: <333333333333333333333333

AllM1ght: WERE BOYFRIENDS

AllM1ght: MY BOYFRIEND IS KACCHAN

LordExplosion: WELL MY BOYFRIEND IS DEKU

LordExplosion: HELL YAH FUCKER

He thinks back to the thoughts before when he stared at his body and thought no one would ever love him. God, how wrong was he?

#bkdk #my hero academia #bnha #mha #katsuki bakugou #bakugou katsuki #izuku midoriya #midoirya izuku #trans bakugou #trans deku #t4t bakudeku

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mrfutureboy · 2 years

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May I ask for some Trans Marty headcanons 👉👈🥺 (only if you want to ofc)

hi anon! for sure!

tho honestly im not sure i have many that are my own?? there are so many people in the fandom that spend more time thinking (in general) and that have come up with some amazing headcanons that i subscribe to so admittedly i havent spent as much time thinking up hc’s myself! well, maybe this isnt true in the case of marlene mcfly but this post isnt about her lol. so mostly this’ll probably end up being a list of things other people have said/pointed out. that said, if i mention a hc thats yours just be like “hey thats from my post!” and i’ll link u because i honestly cant remember who said what anymore

edit: added links to op’s of various hcs

so first of all, his layers. layers on layers on layers to hide the shape of his body is so trans masc of him. this is literally canon so it doesnt even count. (x, x)

but i’ll quickly mention some other things people have pointed out that are supported by canon: everyone calling him “mcfly” instead of his first name, twin pines lorraine not liking jennifer for no real reason except maybe thinking marty shouldnt be dating a girl at all (x)

i have NO idea what hrt was like in the 80s, if it were even available at all, but i like the hc that doc brews up some homemade testosterone for his good pal marty (x) man of all sciences, right? honestly doc was probably already making t for himself (trans doc ftw) and then marty came out to him and he was like i have just the thing.

going off that, doc probably helps him with his shots bc i think marty’s a big baby when it comes to needles.

again, resources in the 1980’s are not something i know about but given the climate and technology i doubt there was an extensive handbook on transmasculinity and safely binding. so marty’s methods of binding were probably not very safe, in terms of what he used and how long he wore it. tho @rovermcfly’s recent post about mjf’s harness looking like a binder (x)could support a hc that doc made marty a binder. as his friend and an elder trans guy you know he’s looking out for him. but when marty’s not binding…layers on layers on layers. side note i would hope marty wasnt wearing a binder when he got to 1955 cuz oh GOD he wouldve been wearing that for way too fucking long and with everything that physically happened to him in the first like 12 hrs of him being there he’d surely have some lasting damage

this is mostly a joke hc but marty comes to doc one day and is complaining about his chest while doc’s working on something, and towards the end of marty’s rant doc turns around holding up a knife and martys like whoa uhh im not so sure about that, doc and doc just turns back around. this doesnt ever happen again or get brought up so marty’s not sure if doc was kidding or not. also makes marty wonder if he’d done it before (doc’s got a flat chest after all) and then he starts looking around for stray squirrels with stitches a la frankensteins monster lol

i like @rovermcfly ‘s hc that marty saw “martin seamus” in his family tree and was like yep thats my name (x) which honestly fits really well with canon like how are you going to name ur first son david tiberius, ur daughter linda [no middlename], but then when you get to your third kid suddenly be like “lets do a really traditional family name”. Unlikely.

marty probably came out to doc first. doc quickly made him feel safe and loved and comfortable so yeah i can imagine doc knew before anyone else. and then jennifer and then lastly (maybe accidentally) his parents

Lorraine probably had a fucking conniption when marty first cut all his hair off. also i hate to say it but i feel like she was the least supportive parent (not that george was raving about it) in the twin pines timeline. all im going to say about lone pine lorraine here is that she came around faster (or at least started to) than her counterpart, my justification being the breakfast scene at the end of the movie compared to the dinner scene earlier re: jennifer

personally i dont feel like marty’s been out for longer than a few years but idk thats just a gut feeling i dont have anything else to say abt that

Umm yeah thats all i have to say atm! Thank u anon for the ask :3 and again, if anyone recognizes any posts ive referenced, please @ me so i can link them here!

#signed sealed delivered #anon #bttf posting #marty mcfly #bttf

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bridgyrose · 3 years

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what if, for whatever reason, Weiss was raised by Raven or otherwise joined her group prior to beacon.

Weiss whimpered in her binds as she was shoved to the ground in front of Raven. Three days ago, she was sitting in her bedroom, trying to practice with her glyphs to be like Winter when someone broke in through her window. She remembered a bit of gas, suddenly feeling dizzy, and then waking up on an unfamiliar airship. Now, she was face to face with someone wearing a mask that looked like a nevermore, scaring the ten year old.

Raven circled around the girl, using her foot to push her over as if she was a small animal. “And you brought me a Schnee, why?”

“For a ransom,” responded one of the bandits. “You know our tribe isnt doing all that well and resources are a bit thin. And this is the heir to the Schnee Dust Company. Her father will pay handsomely to get her back safe and sound.”

Raven paused for a moment, looking down at the girl. “And so you decided to take the initiative and take her?”

“Exactly! I knew you’d-”

Raven didnt wait for the bandit to finish his sentence, using her blade to cut through him. “This should serve as a lesson for all of you. Taking initiative before asking me is going to get us all killed. The Schnees wont care about one child going missing.” She looked down at the child again after putting her blade away. “You’ll make a fine addition to our tribe.”

Once her binds were cut, Weiss pulled away from her captors, huddling in a corner of the tent. As far as she was concerned, she shouldnt be here. She should be back at home with mother and father, celebrating her birthday.

Raven took her mask off and knelt down, looking to Weiss. “I will protect you. Seeing as your family wont come looking for you, I’ll raise you as if you’re my own.” She smirked a bit as she realized the irony of her own words. She had left her own kid and ran off when she realized she wasnt ready to raise a child. Although, she did check in on her family from time to time, seeing that they seemed happier without her. “I promise.”

Weiss hesitated for a moment before standing up, looking Raven over. “You will?”

Raven nodded, standing up and looking down at Weiss. “I will.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Weiss quickly used a glyph to block one of Vernal’s strikes, giving her time to move around and press her sword to the girl’s back. “I win.”

Vernal rolled her eyes and turned to face Weiss, giving her a solid punch in the jaw. “That’s for cheating.”

Weiss fell over from the punch, rubbing her jaw. “You never said semblances couldnt be used.”

“I never said they could be either.” Vernal sighed and offered a hand to Weiss. “But you’re learning fast. I’m impressed.”

Weiss took Vernal’s hand and smiled at her. “Was that a compliment from you? Its a shame I didnt have my scroll to record that.”

“You know what, I take that back. I’m not impressed anymore.”

Weiss shook her head and made her way to the wash basin, checking her reflection in the water. It had been a long seven years since she had been brought here, and she had changed so much. Her once long hair was now cut short, braided, and shaved on her sides. The scar over her eye was tattooed with ice dust, giving it a blue shine in the light. She cupped her hands in the water and splashed her face to try to get rid of a bit of the blood from her cheek. “You know, you hit hard.”

“Comes with the practice.” Vernal turned to look at Weiss. “So, you’re leaving soon, arent you?”

“I am.” Weiss paused for a moment at the thought of going to a hunter’s academy. “Raven says its for the best. Just like her, I’ll go and learn how to fight this next generation of hunters so I can teach all of you when I get back. And she thinks it’ll help me with my-”

“I know, but still, things wont be the same without you. Who else am I supposed to beat in practice each day while you’re gone?”

Weiss chuckled a bit. “I’m only going to be gone for a year or two. I’m not actually going to graduate. Just… get enough information to learn weaknesses. Maybe gain an ally or two that I can use.”

“Arent you worried that your family will try to come find you?”

Weiss shook her head, pulling out her rapier and looking it over. “If they havent been looking for me now, I dont think they ever will. And if they do, I’ll be ready for them.”

#rwby #weiss schnee #raven branwen #vernal #rwby vernal #bandit weiss au #bandit weiss #drabbles

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magnoliasinbloom · 5 years

Text

The Midwife

AO3 :: Previously

The soreness was still there as I sat gingerly at the dresser, while one of Jared’s maids—Suzette—attempted to tame my hair into a semblance of matronly respectability. Jamie had nuzzled me awake, his mouth trailing kisses down my body and asking with pleading blue eyes for a repeat of the previous night.

“I ken once is enough to make it binding, but would ye mind verra much…”

I hadn’t minded.

Dressed in a cheery yellow dress, I thanked Suzette and made my way downstairs where Jamie was waiting for me. He had had to leave earlier to settle his affairs at the university and arrange for our passage out of France. His dazzling smile at the sight of me made me bashful, as he took my hand to help me down the last steps.

“Sassenach, ye look lovely.” His lips grazed my knuckles. “No longer my wee milkweed puff.” I recalled his words when he had tangled his fingers in my hair, the curls wild on the pillow. Desire kindled in my belly, and I remembered that Jamie was now mine to enjoy when I would. We would have that night, and every night after that.

“Suzette tried,” I said ruefully, touching the up-do carefully. “And it was kind of Jared to find me a dress more suitable for meeting your family.”

“I have something else for ye, Claire.” Still in his kilt, Jamie reached into his sporran and drew a small velvet sack. He tilted it and poured its contents into the palm of his hand. Bright pearls interspersed with gold roundels twined in his fingers. “These were my mam’s. I’ve had them since I left Lallybroch. They are meant for my wife, a bride gift.” He stepped behind me and laid the necklace around my neck, fastening it at the nape with a kiss. I touched the cool pearls, the significance of this gesture weighing on me like the ring on my hand. “Do ye like them?”

“They’re beautiful, Jamie. I shall treasure them always.” I turned my head, and caught his mouth. Jamie’s hands rested on the bodice of my dress, but with a sigh he pulled away, mindful of the time.

“Are ye ready then? We canna miss the tide.”

“We sail at noon. I can ask Mother Hildegarde for some seasickness remedies.” I was determined to continue my work as a healer, and Jamie fully supported this. We were going back to l’hôpital to gather my meager belongings; after that we would board a coach courtesy of Jared that would take us the port city of Le Havre. After that, we would be bound for England on another of Jared’s ships. Jamie dreaded this—he had admitted he suffered from crippling seasickness, but there was no other way across the channel.

We gripped hands tightly as we climbed the steps to the hospital entrance. He placed a kiss on my temple once inside, in the vaulted foyer; I could hear the hum and bustle of patients and healers down the stone hallway. We veered away from the main sick room and closer to Mother Hildegarde’s chamber. Jamie planned to thank the abbess and lay down our new plans, as well as leave a small donation to the convent for the keeping of l’hôpital.

Repeated knocks on her door were met with silence. I frowned. “Perhaps she is tending to a patient. Or at the convent. I shall pack my bag and ask one of the sisters where we can find Mère Hildegarde.”

“I will meet ye by the garden door, is that alright?”

“I won’t be long,” I promised. I watched the back of him briefly before turning to the passage leading to the novices’ cells. I stepped into my room, noting the bare plastered walls, the tiny bed, the dust motes floating in the shaft of sunlight from the window. I noticed everything for the last time, before I took my other old dress, a blanket, stockings, and small trinkets that had belonged to Maman from a small chest at the foot of the bed. I folded them inside the same burlap sack I had first brought them in, shutting the lid of the chest with a muted thump. With an air of finality, I bid farewell to the room and left.

Malva was waiting for me in the corridor.

I halted in my tracks, my heart beating hollowly in my chest. Fight or flight? I had no time to waste on the petite salope, and made up my mind to walk past her quickly and hope she did not try to stop me. Malva hadn’t uttered a word or attempted to get close to me. I held the sack in a white-knuckled grip, prepared to use it as a weapon if I had to. I met her eyes with as much steel as I could muster. I brushed against her shoulder when she spoke from behind me.

“I can smell him on you.”

Malva’s voice made my blood run cold. At the same time, white hot anger flared in the pit of my stomach. She had wilfully murdered a woman who had done no wrong—nothing but cross Malva’s path in her vendetta against me. I took a deep breath, turned to her, and slapped her with my left hand, forcefully. Her head rocked sideways, with a satisfying crack.

Malva faced me, hand to her cheek. My wedding ring had cut her, blood seeping slowly from the wound. Her grey eyes were pure hatred. She looked haggard and disheveled since the last time I had seen her. Her hands were dirty—something unacceptable in the Hôpital des Anges—and her apron stained.

My voice hissed across the silence in the narrow corridor. “Do not ever speak to me again. Good riddance, you murdering bitch.” I backed away, wary of turning my back on her after our confrontation. Malva could only stare, the palm of her hand dotted with blood. I hoped it left a scar. I hoped she would look at it every day and remember what she had done.

“Claire!” Sister Angelique’s voice rebounded from the stone ceiling. She turned the corner and found us, clutching her habit and out of breath. I noticed that Sister Angelique was not her usual impeccable self. Her wimple hung limply, covering half her head. Much like Malva, she had a worn-out expression on her face and had a handkerchief tied around her neck loosely. I recognized it as a face mask, a policy implemented by Mother Hildegarde years ago. The scent of vinegar permeated Sister Angelique, as she looked at me imploringly. “We need your help!”

* * *

“It’s smallpox.”

I found Jamie at the garden gate, stopping five steps shy of him. Sister Angelique had taken me to the main hospital sick room, filled with pallets of ill Parisians. After donning a face mask of my own, I had looked around me in horror. Many of them were sailors, but others civilians, a red rash covering what could be seen of their face and hands. Some were fevered, others vomiting into nearby clay basins. Sisters Minèrve and Celeste were also infected, lying side by side. And most frightening of all—Mother Hildegarde was among the sick, her broad and sweating form still beneath a woolen blanket.

“Smallpox?” Jamie’s brow furrowed as he tried to come closer. I jumped back and he stared at me in confusion. “What is it, mo nighean donn?”

“You—you shouldn’t touch me. I could be carrying the disease.” I swallowed hard. All round us, the garden lay dormant in hues of gray and brown, awaiting spring to bloom again.

“Not touch ye? Lass, we are bound for Scotland in mere hours!” Jamie said pleadingly, his hand outstretched, trying to bridge the gap between us. I clutched my hands inside my cloak tighter, the smell of vinegar steadying and familiar.

“I can’t Jamie. I… we can’t go to Scotland yet. I could make you sick, or the ship’s crew… we cannot risk it.”

Jamie was quiet, considering. “Ye say ‘yet’,” he responded finally, a resigned expression on his face. “When could we go?”

“I’ll need seven days. Then, if I am not ill, we can depart.”

“Seven days? Ye mean to stay, love?”

“Jamie, I am needed here. Mother Hildegarde is also ill.” Tears slipped unheeded, knowing what I must do. “Give me a week, so I can help the sisters. Go to Jared, and wait for me. You may already be infected, but if you are not, in one week we shall go to Scotland as planned. We cannot wait and also risk your uncle Dougal’s wrath.”

“I canna imagine Jared will be well pleased either,” he said with a brief smile. “He has already risked much by helping us.”

“’Tis the sailors who brought the illness here,” I replied with a shiver. “The same sailors Jared recommended come here to be healed spread the smallpox. We did not see what it was.” His look of horror helped steel my resolve. “It is my duty to help, Jamie. Please understand.”

He took a deep breath, resigned. “We can wait seven days. I understand this is who ye are, mo chridhe, and I would not for the world tell ye to be otherwise. But can I not stay here and help ye? Another pair of hands would be useful.”

I shook my head. “I would not risk your health, Jamie, or your life.”

“Ye risk yers, why not mine?”

“I need to know you are waiting for me, and that will be enough to get me through.” I was weeping openly now, fear coursing through me. This could go badly for me, but I had to put my faith in God and Maman’s memory and believe that we would prevail, and we would go to Scotland together.

“Malva, she’s a wicked woman, a murderer—”

“Do not worry. I will steer clear of her, and try to never be alone with her. I will be safe.” I drew a shaky breath. “And… you must promise not to come back to l’hôpital. It is dangerous, you could fall ill. Promise me, Jamie.”

Jamie reached me in three strides, despite me trying to push him away. He held me tightly to him, and I surrendered, gripping the back of his coat as though my life depended on it. “I promise lass, if it means this much to ye,” he whispered. This is what it felt like, to be torn between duty and love, and my heart ached, with the knowledge that I might not see him again.

“Ye will be safe. Ye have my name and my family, my clan, and if necessary, the protection of my body as well.” He kissed my hair, whispering words of comfort. “I will wait, Sorcha.” Light—Claire. “I love ye, dinna forget it.”

I set him firmly away from me. Jamie’s face was white and strained, what I was imagined a mirror image of my own. His eyes filled with yearning. With a final kiss to my hand—the one that wore his ring—he let me go. I made my way out of the garden, walking slightly hunched as though I were in great pain, as someone who knows she must keep moving, but feels her life and soul ebbing slowly away. I dared not turn around.

I prayed for the strength to let him go, if only for a little while, and not fall on my knees and beg him to stay or take me with him. Let me be brave enough, I prayed. Let me love him enough to see him away safe while I committed to my responsibility as a healer.

“Go wi’ God,” Jamie murmured behind me.

#outlander #outlander fanfic #outlander au #jamie and claire #the midwife xv #dinna hate me

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nb-stuff-blog · 6 years

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im really freaking out because im constantly doubting my identity and idk y maybe its cause im faking??? but i still experience dysphoria and hate being called a boy/girl (esp girl since im afab) but i feel like i shouldnt cause my family and friends are accepting (although my family almost never uses the right pronouns cause they never remember and ven sometimes my deadname) and my mom said that nb ppl dont feel dysphoria after being accepted cause she read some sort of study or something 1/

and im just really worried im faking it for attention or smthn... it hurts so bad and some days i just start breaking down in front of the mirror crying and others i just dont care but i always notice how flat others chests are and how mine isnt and how wide my hips are and how i can NEVER change that cause its too late an its mostly my bone structure and im short and my family always makes comments about my brother outgrowing me and it just,,,, it feels like im getting stabbed in the stomach 2/

but i just still feel like im faking it and i really,,,,,,,,,,,,, i dont know what to do i dont know who i am i feel SO detached from my body and my personality i just hate myself so much and looking back ive always felt really oddly uncomfy and avoidant about topics involving womanhood or be being a woman and i just dont know anymore and i cant stand being misgendered but im PETRIFIED of correcting ppl and my mom says i either have to say something or deal w it and i know shes right but /: 3?/3

Hi anon! Mod Kaleb-

First take a breath and breathe. If you were faking it you wouldn’t have this pain. Your feelings are real and justified.

Starting from the beginning, any trans person can feel dysphoria at anytime. Even people who have gone through HRT and social transition can still feel that dark hole. It’s very common.

Even if you can’t changes parts of yourself, there are things you can do to aid in relieving the pain they create. You can wear clothing that hides those hips and (safely) bind your chest. If your face bothers you then find a hair cut that looks masculine on your face. Don’t feel stuck, there’s avenues you can take to improve your personal comfort and happiness.

When your height bothers you, remember there are plenty of short dudes out there. Politely ask your family to stop making such comments.

Most of us understand feeling disassociated with ourselves, especially in those peaks of dysphoria waves. Take a step back and make steps to improve how you present. Baby steps until you feel reattached. Small changes to your life will add up to the person you want to be. Try not to hate yourself. It’s not your fault you feel this way or that your admitting it to yourself. Being frustrated and confused is the first step to self realization.

You do eventually need to say something, but if you aren’t comfortable with that now then don’t. Work towards a place where you personally feel healthy. Being in a bad place and forcing yourself in to bad situations isn’t helping anything. If you aren’t ready you simply aren’t. Work through you worst bits of your dysphoria and take the necessary steps to easing them, then aim you the next goal of coming out. It’s a process.

Dear I wish you best of luck and a peaceful day.

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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3:38 p.m. Wednesday June 30 2021

Song reccomendation:

Hey guys. We went to the mall again because it's too hot to go outside. I l1fted a bit but I did buy a blue and purple tie dyed tank top for summer and a Slayer shirt from the hot topic.

We had funsies, me and my friend were chatting and stuff. Not much to say.

I'm feeling sucky now cos we got lunch at the italianos store and I wanted to get Dulce De Leche because what's the point of going to the italianos if ur leaving with NO dulce de leche....?? Its so yummy. My mom said yes but my 11 YEAR OLD SISTER LIKE FLIPPED OVER THE CAN AND READ OFF THE GRAMS OF SUGAR AND CALORIES!!!!! liKE WHAT??? ITS NONE OF UR BUSINESS JESUS!!!!!! thanks for triggering my uh disordered eating... cos after that I wanted to cry and I just put the can back and remembered how fat I am and I ALMSOT HAD A BREAKDOWN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORE LIKE IT WAS THE WORST FEELING...

Now I'm worried about my CaLoRieS and jesus it's the worst feeling... thanks sister who is eleven and REALLY MEAN?? she literally calls me short fat and ugly all the time... I think my mom and sister make me the most insecure. My mom is always ragging on what I eat how much I eat what time I eat it's the WORST PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE???? like I'm trying. You think I don't ALREADY feel bad??? Like okay way to shame your HEALTHY BMI (bmi 22) child for... eating a sandwich for lunch? I can't even. Like YEAH IM A BIT CHUBBY BUT IT HURTS MY FEELINGS FOR Y'ALL TO POINT IT OUT COS IVE BEEN INSECURE MY WHOLE LIFE AND I JUST CAN'T EVEN. I CAN'T.

.... but we had fun at the mall. So yeah.

I think I ended up l1fting like, a choker, some masks (for covid), fake nails (for my sister), and some hair bands (since my hair is crazy in the morning and always gets in my eyes)

Also some mentos XD but I won't be eating those since I feel like shitttt thanks family ily ♡ /s no I don't

Also that stuff I was talking about being upset over the divorce? Last night? I'm better now so dw.

.... I'm ravenously hungry right nowwww but. We are going to ignore that. Because hungry is good. Itz good to be hungry it means you're on the right track and if you stay hungry long enough you DO lose weight. You just gotta stay hungry. ALSO, ALSO IM TRYING TO AVOID BLOATING because if I bloat then I get insecure with no top on,,, and it's hot out, so what I wanna do is keep my tummy flat ALL DAY so I can wear like just my sports bra or smthn... i hate saying that I'm wearing a bra but like thAt's what it is if I called it anything else I'd confuse you.

If you're on this blog for the first time,,, I'm MALE, so like don't just assume I'm a girl.

I feel like I dont pass enough but also I dont really mind? Like people keep calling me a girl but I dont see it? I personally dont think I look feminine??

.... I guess when I'm naked... JAY.

and when I dont bind, and my voice, but that's about it.

Also uhm. I'm kinda a kleptomaniac. I'm gonna check the diagnostic criteria for that because... I sorta l1ft every time I go out. Even if I dont NEED anything. It's not a problem, since I'm not getting caught, but it's still a CRIME and I should try and slow it down a bit.

At least I'm not HAULING as much as I used to.... I would FILL my mfing backpack, bro. I would go nuts. So I gotta try n be more careful so I don't get caught. I take too many risks... sex!!!!, theivery!!!!, and light drugs.

But isnt that what being 15 is about? Idk. I'll post pics of what I l1fted to my l1fting blog after I remove the metadata/exit data (location data) so I don't get doxxed...

Also I dont know if I told yall this but I might get contact lenses :) I think glasses make me look ugly so i dont wanna wear em. Also i hate having em on my face all the time it's just plain annoying.

4:18 p.m. update: okay so we're going home.

My mom is being kinda annoying shes like mocking me... Whateverrrrrrrrr idc. Jay is at his friends house rn, Eden is busy and Erin proabably won't come if Eden doesn't come so I guess I'm resigned to biking alone tonight.... probabaly after I pack all my shit of course.

11:20 a.m. update:

I didn't end up going biking... we took the bottles to the bottle depot, I got 20 bucks, and so did my sister even though she didnt even come :P

I got home and just went online. I was scouring Encyclopedia Metallum for any good active local metal bands that I could potentially see live in a concert in my city!

I ate okay today, kinda ate more than I intended to before I slept because I was so hungry :| willpower 0 (zero)

Anyways I ate to maintain today :/ which is okay I guess.

I'm a bit upset since my dad was crying about the divorce and like I tried to comfort him and said it's okay to cry and stuff but... MAN THATS PAINFUL.... and like... shouldnt it be the other way around? I hate this. I hate everyone feeling bad. And I hate having to be so grown up.

Oh well... I was always the hound of hell, not the lamb of god.

4:15 a.m. update

Everyone wants to hang out with me XD so I gotta ask about that

Roadtrip soon.

Idk, not much to say.

I'm uh, listening to MUSIC right now. I love music and I wanna play bass again. I also feel very insecure and want to cut my junk off so that's fun.

Goodnight ig

#Spotify #JudeJournals #judejournals #jude shepard

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i-have-opinions · 6 years

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you shouldnt blame other trans people for small town people's transphobia. that doesn't even make sense.

1. The school I go to has kids from the entire county so it’s not just my town. 2. People with no dysphoria are not transgender.3. There is a specific transgender in my school who is the sole reason for this. She claims to be polygender (I don’t even know what that means) and is constantly switching pronouns. She gets very upset when you use the wrong pronouns but the only thing she’s done is get a hair cut. She doesn’t even bind and even though she doesn’t have a large chest it’s still obvious. Not only that but she has out right stated that she has no dysphoria and that dysphoria isn’t necessary to be trans. 4. The way my school works is your in your program for half the day and academics the other half. Thus transtrender is in the same program as all the kinds from my home school so for 3 hours 5 day’s a week they have to listen to tucute rhetoric. The group of people from my home school were more accepting of my medical condition before they were exposed to the mass amounts of bullshit this girl is constantly spewing. 5. The people in my life who’ve never met a transtrender ; i.e., my family, started out less excepting as they didn’t know what transgenderism was it I tailed. However, as I explained more to them they slowly came to terms with it and, regardless of their struggles to remember, use my new name and try to use my pronouns.Tl; dr cis people pretending to be trans are not trans people and the issue goes beyond small towns.

#ask #trans #transmed #transmedicalist #truscum #tucute #non dysphoric #gender dysphoria #non binary #nonbinary #transgender

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gayphichit · 7 years

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@ai-ni-tsu-i-te replied to your post “i lovvveee that art seeing victuuri in trans colors makes me weep”

Do you have any thoughts on trans viktor that you'd share if u were asked coz if so consider this an official asking

buddy my friend i ONLY have thoughts abt trans viktor. my person trans man viktor life story is as follows (lil bit of dysphoria talk maybe tw):

-prefacing this by saying i know NOTHING abt figure skating but yoi land of no homophobia means im taking an artistic license with how competitions would work and everything.

-there are little things when hes a child that point to him being a boy, but its overshadowed by the fact that his life is figure skating. it isnt until puberty, and he realizes that there is something wrong that he needs to come to terms with. its takes a couple years of thinking and talking and having breakdowns but when he finally realizes it its very clear to him what the problem is. hes a boy but no one else knows

-viktors lesbian moms are of course very supportive of him. honestly the one thing that really stops him from being able to reconcile himself with being trans is his future career in figure skating. by 14 he obviously knows that figure skating, and being the BEST figure skater, is what he wants. he does not want to do anything to intentionally get in the way of that. he even considers holding off his transition until he retires thinking, “it isnt THAT long, ill have my career and then i can be who i am.” he very quickly releases that is no way to live and its the support of his moms that helps him realize that there is no reason to sacrifice who you are, for a career or anything else

-viktor comes out to the media and starts hormones the year before the lilac fairy/eros costume. its his last year in juniors and his first year in the mens division. everyone is expecting a big change for his programs. will he cut his hair? will he stop wearing skirts? will he be able to keep up in a different environment? the answers are no, no, and yes. viktor’s entire thing is surprises and that is what he does: he shows up with his signature long hair in a ponytail, unharmed, and a half skirt that in his own words calls upon femininity and masculinity. and he fucking dominates the competition.

-you obviously cant bind while skating so top surgery is definitely a priority. he has it done before his entrance into seniors division. tbh i dont know if top would keep you off the ice for more than off season (or even what off season is in skating) maybe he takes off a year? could he do that? would viktor do that? i dont think he would if he had a choice.

-he keeps his long hair for years after hes in seniors. he prides himself on both his appearance and his ability to surprise people and his hair does that. he LIKES having long hair. his gender shouldnt determine how he wears his hair. (QUICK SIDE NOTE: victor’s well documented fear of a thinning hairline??? STEREOTYPICAL TRANS GUY FEAR RIGHT THERE. that + his suits just hits me in the head as trans viktor evidence)

-i dont know if his eventual cutting of his hair is to do with his transness at all, especially since we dont know the age he does it. i assume it followed by some emotional ordeal tho considering do weird shit to your hair after a breakdown is gay culture across the board

-on the topic of being a public figure, theres a definite level of paranoia of being trans and that knowledge being available to everyone with a search engine. even in a world without rampant transphobia, there is a level of “is this person treating me different bc im trans? do they even know? should i tell them?” esp with potential romantic partners

-i really dont think viktor has had much of a romantic past, bc of this and just general no time whatsoever. it isnt that he doesnt WANT it, bc hes such a romantic soul. its really really hard to date when youre trans, and id argue even harder when youre especially romantic and looking for someone to really love and be loved by. it took victor 27 years

-meeting yuuri is a curse and a blessing all at once in regard to fear of judgement for being trans. victor at least knows that yuuri knows, since hes a skater only a few years younger, so he doesnt have to worry about that, but theres still the question of “will he treat differently than he would have otherwise?”

-this is one reason that “i want you to stay who you are, viktor” on the beach is sooo vital to their relationship. being trans is so performative, and as a celebrity there’s so many other aspects of his life that are as well, and having yuuri say “i want you to be you” is a incomparable weight off his shoulders. its very easy to fall in love with yuuri after that.

#ai-ni-tsu-i-te #THIS IS A LOT BUT TO BE FAIR YOU ASKED #i looked and i havent really talked abt trans victor before which is a serious misstep on my part #replies #trans vi is important to me bc of how closely i identify with him overall #also nonbinary and genderfluid etc viktor interpretations are legit and i undeniably am very drawn to nb victor and yuuri i just chose to ta #lk abt trans man victor bc thats what i have experience with ya know #pac.txt #i probably should of put this under a cut but i want ppl to read it so im being annoying bye

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