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jakegasm · 1 year

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who you belong to | jake sully

genre: smut ♢

pairing: jake sully x omatikaya!reader

word count: 3.4k

warnings: jealous jake being mean?, spanking, vulgar language, crying, rough sex, 18+ (MINORS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DONT INTERACT)

brief info: jake just being jealous and also a meanie 👀

notes: this is my first smut in a loooooooooong time so pls go easy on me ;-; also shout out to my bestie who helped me write this @sinsandsuccubus , i love you bitch 🥺🤍

You were growing restless.

Each morning was the same. Wake up, have breakfast, and sometimes if you’re lucky you’d get a quick kiss as a departing gift. Though some days he’d be gone before sunrise leaving you to wake up to an empty hammock that the two of you share. Unfortunately for you, this was one of those mornings. Huffing you carefully swung your legs from the hammock and set your way to getting things ready for breakfast, grabbing your basket you followed your usual route to your collection site.

The walk was peaceful you couldn’t lie. The crisp morning air filled your nose sending you into absolute bliss. You enjoyed morning walks like this, the quietness soothing you in ways you wished your mate would again. The irritation builds back into you as you thought about your mate, the lack of attention from him is becoming too much to bare. You understood his absence despite you hating every bit of it. Your mate was Toruk Makto, the new olo’eyktan. Your people thought highly of him, so you understood the new responsibilities that were set before him but yet you still found loneliness within your home. It sometimes vexed you when you saw others interacting with him. Getting his attention that you so badly yearned for, yet he still wouldn’t take the hint of your desperation for him. Your fingers picked the last of the fruits from the bushes and trees the dew from morning air coated your digits and palm. With ease, you picked up your freshly picked fruit swinging the basket to your side to rest on your hip. The walk back was a bit rocky due to the extra added weight, though it was manageable. You nodded your head at others, as the forest began to wake up sending them a warm smile as a greeting.

“Would you like some help with that?” Your head turned to the side to see a rather familiar face coming into view, your face lighting up with a smile.

“I am fine. Thank you for your kindness Zu’häi.” Your smile bared your teeth at him earning you a smile in return. You didn't know Zu’häi that well, the two of you only had small conversations here and there and you could not deny that the male was very helpful and kind for a young na’vi. His hands gently and securely grabbed the basket filled with fruit from your grasp giving your slightly reddened hip a break, easily holding the basket upon his shoulder his smile wider than ever.

“I insist. Please, guide the way.” The boy was persistent and you knew that so you decided it was best that you’d let him have his way, turning your back to him you guided the way back to your hut. It was nice of him to go out of his way to help you with your daily morning routine, so in return, you wanted to thank him for his kind gesture. You held the drape that covered the opening of your hut for him to enter instructing him to place the fruit by the makeshift table you had constructed for meals. Dusting his hands the boy once again smiled beamingly at you his hands now resting on his hips. You walked past him to one of the stumps that resided at the table and tugged his hand downwards to the seat next to you.

“Please sit. I will make breakfast for you, for your kindness towards me.”

“Oh no, that is fine. I just wanted to hel-”

“Sit Zu’häi.”

Your voice is more assertive and demanding now but, your eyes never left the fruit that your hands gently sliced and peeled. Quietness was filled between you two though it was a comfortable silence. Your eyes glanced up at him every now and then, his wide eyes filled with amazement as he sat in the olo’eyktan’s home. A smile crept up on your face as you sliced a fruit holding outwards in front of you and him. His face holding confusion at the gesture.

“Eat it, it is one of my favorites.” His face relaxed though you could still see that hesitation in his movements. Rolling your eyes playfully you gently pushed the fruit to his lips, his mouth opening slightly for the fruit to have easier access. “Bite.” You instructed and as quickly as you gave orders he followed. You watched his eyes light up brightly, the amber color even more vivid as the delightful taste of the juicy fruit melted among his palette.

“Oh my that is–”

“Amazing, I know. Here–” You pushed the bowl filled with the fruit towards him.

“Take it. Take it to your family. I have more than enough.”

“Oh no I can not–”

“I insist, Zu’häi.” You finished off with a comforting smile, a smile that reflected on to him as his hands gently grasped the bowl securing as you pushed it even more towards him, persistent with your offer.

“Oh, I didn’t know we were having guests this morning.” The voice of your mate is now the center of attention. The young na’vi sprung up from his seat nearly knocking all of his fruit out of the bowl. His hand nervously brings his fingers to his forehead to properly greet your mate.

“I was just leaving, sir.” Your mate’s eyes never left yours his face already telling you what he was thinking, after a while, you looked away rising from your seat to approach Zu’häi placing a hand on his arm. You felt his body slightly jump at the sudden gesture your face itching away a smile, out the side of your eye you could see your mate was growing irritated as you touched another in front of him your smile breaking through after seeing this.

“Zu’häi, enjoy the fruit. I will have more for next time you visit.” To tease a bit you gave his arm a soothing small rub before patting his back sending him on his way. The na’vi bowed slightly before quickly passing your mate basically running out of the hut to avoid the intimidation of the olo’eyktan. Eyes burned into the back of your head when you turned your heel to him, taking a seat and continuing your task beforehand. He stood there quietly his irritation radiating off of him as he shifted his weight in place. He watched your hands delicately cut and place the fruit onto a separate leaf carefully organizing them into place, he opened his mouth the speak but was quickly cut off by the sound of your voice.

“Sit, eat.” Pushing the leaf he watched you work on previously he noticed how your eyes never left your task and how your voice didn’t have the sweetness in it like it usually did. You were upset. And he knew it was all his fault. But his stubbornness wouldn’t have allowed him to admit that. Following instructions, he adjusted the brace that rested around his torso snapping it open to remove the piece of clothing before setting it aside next to him on the ground.

The two of you ate in silence, it was killing him that you merely spoke a word to him. His mind practically begged him to ask you about the events that occurred before his arrival. Picking his eyes up from his meal he watched your figure across from him, everything about you was angelic to him. You ate staring out the small cut of your hut the sunlight beaming on your skin hitting you at all the right angles. You were glowing. He hadn’t noticed how long he had been staring before your hands were clapping in front of him. Confused he snapped back into reality to realize that you were asking to take his leaf and that he wanted seconds. Denying the offer he gave his now empty leaf watching while you discarded the leaves and cleared the table. He observed your body closer this time, starting from your head to your toe. Your lips had just the right plump to them something he always loved imagining how it would feel to suck on them lightly or even nip at them. The curve of your breast which was currently covered by a neckpiece designed with red and white feathers gave him access to peek at your nipples that poked through every time you bent down slightly. His eyes traveled more down your body stopping at your hips, his eyes squinting when he noticed the red marks that resided on your hips. His hand wrapped around your hip the size of it securely holding it, a loud gasp escaped your mouth at the sudden action. His thumb grazed the spot tenderly careful enough not to hurt you in case it was causing you any type of pain. You were about to make a fuss until you studied his face, his eyebrows were scrunched together and his lips were slightly pursed.

“It is from the basket I was carrying earlier.” His eyes never left your hips the roughness from the pad of his thumb never leaving your skin. “Though Zu’häi came by to help me carry it.” His nose flared at this, the more you mentioned his name the more he felt the fire in him spread and grow bigger.

“Zu’häi huh?” Was all he could say biting the inside of his cheek, his irritation now turning into anger the more you two spoke about him. He knew the male all too well. He was olo’eyktan after all, he needed to know his people. Inside and out. This name you two spoke of whispered amongst people in the forest gossiping on how the male wanted you despite you already being mated. He had heard the male was determined and willing to sacrifice anything just to have you. But this isn’t what triggered him. He had caught wind with his own two ears of how the male wanted to mate you, every detail of your body explained, every position he’d want to put you in, and how much he wanted to implant his child within you. This is what set the fire ablaze within him. Jake knew he always had the upper hand when it came to you, though somehow as of lately he felt somewhat intimidated by the other male. Something that rarely ever happened. He needed to set the record straight, and let everyone know who you really belong to. You had only hummed a response to him ignoring how the grip on your hips got tighter, but not tight enough to keep you in place as you glide your way across the shared room. You felt his intimidating eyes bore into the back of your skull and you’d be lying if you said it didn’t bother you though you refused to acknowledge him and his death stare.

“What are your plans for today?” Clearing your throat you waited for a response while busying yourself with the folding of your blankets that were gifted to you by one of the elders. You heard him shift in his seat and shuffle with something you couldn’t make out. “Why was Zu’häi here?” He ignored your question, his curiosity now getting the best of him. His breathing now slowed and controlled as he tried his hardest to not raise his voice not even an octave to make you suspicious of the question, though his tone had already given away his frustration.

“The boy helped me when it was not needed, so I thanked him in return for a meal.” Your answer was solid and straightforward, though the thought of you two being in here alone knowing the male's intention sent his blood boiling at your cluelessness. “He likes you, ya know?” You only gave him a laugh in return shaking your head in denial. “He wants to mate you too.” The words that slipped past his lips sent his anger into overdrive, only this time you actually made eye contact with him. Your hands rested on your hips and your face scrunched up in confusion.

“Now why would you say that jake?”

“Because it’s the truth, I heard it for myself. I don’t want you talking to him anymore.” You scoffed at him clearly not believing anything he was saying to you, and boy did that finally flip the switch in him. Quickly he sprung up from his seat and approached you in a determined stride his body now looming over yours. Finally looking into his eyes you noticed the anger that swirled in them, you almost felt bad for him. Almost. Your previous nights and days of loneliness came flooding back to you, how you desperately yearned for him but were always met with a cold place in which he held.

“I do not care what you have to say about him. Zu’häi is a nice boy, I will continue to talk to him if I please.” You were about to walk off but a strong grip on your arm yanked you back into your place, the death grip on your arm burning. “I’m not asking you, I’m telling you.” His voice spoke lowly with a warning tone to it, he was fighting every ounce in his body to stop himself from finally snapping. “And I am telling you. I will continue to see Zu’häi if I ple-” your sentence was cut short by his quick and swift motion of pining you down face first on the woven hammock nearly knocking all the air out of your body from the sudden action. His grip on your arm never let up as he now rested it against your back while his body pressed fully into you. You wiggled in his hold but to no avail you couldn’t free yourself, his grip being too tight.

“I tried to be nice about it but you make everything so fucking difficult.” His words spit venom out at you while he admired how delightful the curve of your ass was propped up so nicely in the air for him to see. “Looks like i need to show you who you belong to.” He felt himself twitch just below his navel at the site, his other free hand smoothing over the skin of your ass tenderly before delivering a powerful smack to it followed by another tender caress. The repeated actions had you whimpering before him with tears pooling in your eyes not realizing how much this was actually turning you on, the last smack he delivered landed way too closely on your sensitive bud allowing a loud moan to erupt from you.

“Oh? You like getting spanked?” You shook your head vigorously though you knew he knew that you were lying, your dampened cloth proving it. His fingers traced the outline of your loincloth before hooking two fingers under and pulling to the side to reveal all of your glistening glory. He smiled to himself before leaning into you just enough for his chest to touch your back, his breath hitting your ear as he spoke to you. “You know I don’t like liars.” His fingers massaged gently between your folds while he spoke to you enjoying how you were writhing underneath him.

“What did I tell you what happens to liars?” He continued his middle and ring finger teasingly pushing at your entrance sending your brain into a frenzy. You mumbled out a response while desperately trying to relieve the ache that was getting too much for you to handle.

“I didn’t hear you babygirl, you have to speak louder than that.”

“They get punished!” You were basically yelling at him but you didn’t care, you were becoming an absolute complete mess under him. He hummed in satisfaction before leaning up again straightening his posture, your arm now being freed from his grip though he knew you weren’t going to try to run away. Not now anyway. In a blink of an eye, the cloth that shielded all of your wonders dropped at your feet, your body now out on full display for him. Watching your body exposed to him made him realize how long it's been since the last time you two had done anything like this. Definitely too long, that's for sure.

He was practically drooling over you when he used his thumbs to spread your folds watching as your hold clenched over nothing, his own ache now becoming too much to bear. Wasting no time he quickly undid his own loincloth letting it fall to the floor, his dick springing up hitting just the base of his lower belly grabbing ahold of his own length he gently teased and pushed at your entrance. “j-jake.” He ignored your pleas and continued his torture, you rocked your hips back just enough for his tip to slip in, a moan emitting from the both of you. His hands gripped your waist urgently to prevent you from moving back any further before pushing you off of him, your body fully sinking into the hammock.

“Don’t get too bold now baby, or you’re not gonna cum. I’m just going to use you like the toy you are for my own pleasure and leave you high and dry. Is that what you want?” He spoke with a grunt, placing his hand on the lower part of your back to hold you down.

You shook your head no, earning an immediate smack to the ass.

“Use your words.”

“No.”

“No, what?”

“No sir.”

“Good girl.” He pulled you back into position by your hips, your back arched, breast pressed into the hammock.

“Spread it for me.” He spoke huskily, to which you rapidly moved your hands to your cheeks, pulling them apart as he moaned, running his tip over your slick.

He slipped into quickly, drawing moans from the both of you, before he pulled out, a “pop” sound coming from your pussy. He repeated the action, teasing you for what felt like hours, your hole clenching around nothing.

“Please… sir…. Fuck me please.” You moaned out, your body beginning to shake.

“Well, since you said please.” Jake slipped into your solidly, pounding you immediately at a fast pace, giving you no time to adjust to him.

The tip of his dick kissed your cervix, skin slapping sounds echoing through the room, alongside the wet sounds from your pussy.

“Push back into me.” He grunted, landing a hard smack on your ass. You followed his order, matching his speed as he fucked you, a hand slithering down to rub your clit.

That is, until he bent down and grabbed you by the throat, pulling you against his broad chest.

“You don’t touch yourself without my permission. This is MY pussy, MY clit. Do you understand me? You just carry it around for me.” He spoke, his grip getting tighter on your neck.

All you could do is moan and nod your head, Jake moving his hand from your neck to cross your chest, his other hand that rested on your hips now moving to your clit.

“Shit! Jake, please!.”

“Mhmm. Feels good doesn’t it. You wanna cum don’t you?”

“p-please!”

“Apologize. Apologize to me and I’ll let you have it.”

“I’m sorry Jake, m’so sorry. It’ll never happen again. I promise.”

“And you won’t see Zu’häi again? Not even look his way?”

“y—y-yes! god, yes! I won’t i—i promise!”

“Mm, good girl. Now go ahead, cum for me.” And at his command you came, euphoria flooding your veins as you creamed all over his dick, him pushing you off of him to release on the small of your back.

“Fuck.” He grunted, running his hand up and down his shaft quickly. Your knees buckled underneath your brain completely turned into mush while you struggled to catch the breath that escaped your body. You felt the hot strings explode across your back before his chest collided with your back propping himself up to avoid putting all of his weight on you, his breathing rough and ragged.

“You okay?” he asked you puffing out spurts of air, you only nodded your head unable to form any words. With the little bit of strength he had left in him he carefully took a place behind you as he moved the both of you fully into the hammock, your face nuzzling into his chest listening to his heartbeat pound against his chest. You two lied there for a few moments not speaking a word, only this time the silence was peaceful.

“I’m serious about you not seeing Zu’häi. I don’t want it to happen again or ever.” His voice rumbled in his chest while your fingers danced along tracing shapes and words into his skin, your lip captivated by your teeth to hide your smile.

“You have my word.” And with that, the two of you decided to make the best of this moment and enjoy the peace and serenity of your embrace, letting all of the days duties drizzle away.

#avatar fanfiction #jake sully #loak sully #avatar twow #neytiri #neteyam #jake sully x reader #neteyam x reader #avatar angst #loak x reader #jake sully fluff #jake sully smut #avatar smut

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mustardsticks · 1 year

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tw-character death

Saw cute sprout!ghost, then saw animatic. very cute. Soon ANGST.

Unedited

When Ghost first awoken, he noticed his pot wasn't in Soap's room but in an office.

Ghost grumbled as he tried to wiggle himself free. The soil was dry, it hadn't been watered in awhile.

Where's Johnny? He promised he would stay with him until he came back. Ghost wanted his sergeant to be the first thing he saw not an empty office.

But Ghost understood why he wasn't here. He didn't blame him, just a tad disappointed. They were soldiers that could've been pulled at any minute.

Ghost hopped off from his pot and shaked himself like a dog to get rid of the excess dirt that clung onto him.

He looked around and sat on the edge of the desk and waited for someone to come in.

Sure enough, Price opened the door a few minutes later.

"Price!"

The captain tensed and his head shot up, only relaxing when he sees the sprout waving at him.

Ghost lowered his arms and went quiet when he saw the captain.

Price's eyes were swollen and bloodshot, like he was crying. Looked like he had lost alot of sleep too from his eyebags.

Did something happen while he was out of commissison?

"Price whats wrong? Where's Johnny?"

Price tensed as he pursed his lips together in thought. He slowly shut his door and slowly walked towards Ghost.

Soon enough his knees hit the floor and his hands flew to hover over Ghost.

"Simon..."

Uh-oh thats not a good sign

"Soap..." Ghost's hands grabbed onto Prices pointer fingers to help ground him. Unknownly his hands were tightly gripping Prices fingers and trembling in nervousness.

"He's gone Simon" Price gasped out as sobs racked his body and he let his head thump onto the edge of the desk.

Ghost started to panic and grab onto the hair that hid under Price's hat. "Who's gone Price?!" He tugged onto the hairs.

Price seemly ignored him. "It was a mission gone wrong. Intel was wrong and they were ambused. At most their injuries weren't too servere but it came at a price."

"Price..."

"Soap..." Price's voice started to fail him as his crying robbed him of his breath.

"He's dead Simon." He finally managed to rasp out.

Ghost tugged harshly on the hairs in his grip. "NO! I dont believe you! Show me!"

Ghost let go of Prices hair as his head moved to look at him.

Suddenly they were at Soap's grave. Ghost couldn't tell when they had even left, the news had left him in a daze and now he was staring at a headstone with a name that he never wanted to see on it.

If Ghost could come back, then so could Soap.

He would return the grave the next day with a water can and a shovel that were his size and wait.

He waited for a sprout to grow from the dirt. Just in case, Ghost watered the dirt around the bural site to see if it would help.

But nothing happened, and that continued on over the week.

He was optimistic when grass started to grow around the headstone.

He continued to be hopeful when grass started to grow.

In his excitement, he even roped a pot and began to drag it daily to the grave for if Soap were to finally sprout he can quickly take him back to the base.

But as time passed, and the grass has continued to grow. No sprout was in sight.

It's been more than a month and any sprouts would been up and grown into a seedling by now.

The sun was setting and the night began to creep up. Ghost whimpered. "Johnny...?"

"You promised you would stay with me Johnny, so why aren't you here right now?" Tears began to leak from his eyes.

"Ghost..." Ghost turned to Price who was standing behind him.

"You can't keep doing this, this isn't healthy."

"But! But he can still come back, I did so why can't he?"

Price shook his head. "I wish that could happen too, but even if it did, he would be here right now."

"NO! Just a little more time. We just need to be patience with Johnny like we always have." Ghost argued.

"Simon..." Price bent down and reached for him.

Ghost made no move to fight him as his hand closed around his body and lifted him up.

"Soaps gone. He's not growing Simon." Price said.

Ghost looked back at the grave, eyes darting around the greenery searching for something. His gaze turned back to Price when he didn't find what he was looking for.

He deflated in his hand, head hanging low and tears started to stream and damp his skin.

"He's really gone isn't he." Voice low and thick with sorrow.

Price nodded sadly and moved to put him close to chest.

Ghost whimpered. "I didn't even get to tell him goodbye. Didn't get to even tell Johnny that I loved him."

Price let out a shuttering sigh as he craddled and comforted his distraught lieutenant. "I know son... I know..."

(fin)

Thing from my twitter UwU

A part 2 alternate Happy ending

#soapghost #ghostsoap #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #john soap mactavish #soap mw2

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kotaka-kun · 5 months

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Hey, I just wanted to see how you're doing. I saw your post in the Omegle tag and it resonated with me. I miss the Omegle RP community so much. It took some getting used to, but I've found Rolechat is useable and active. I just leave my name as 'a roleplayer' and most people do too. I have my ship names in there, and I'm starting to see some prompts I used to see on omegle popping up. People are slowly migrating over. It's sad, it's different, I miss Omegle too, but it's filling the void for me. Just wanted to see how you were. I'm so sad that Omegle's legacy on mainstream sites is just that creepy platform when it was so much more to all of us.

hi anon, i appreciate you checking in.

since making that post, i've tried rolechat a few more times, but idk if its just my chosen fandoms/ships but ive not had any success which has admittedly been discouraging.

i still miss omegle a lot. i havent unbookmarked it yet -- i dont really ever want to -- so every so often ill just click it out of habit when ive got some downtime and then be reminded of what we lost and... i dunno.

and yeah, it sucks that people who never understood omegle to begin with can just crack jokes about it. but it doesnt make me as angry as i could be. if anything, it just makes me sadder bc i know they'll never get the chance to see it as anything as a site for lewd video chatters. they'll never get the chance to explore worlds and stories with a complete stranger the way we did.

maybe ill keep trying rolechat, try switching up some of my ships. i dunno. im just afraid to hold out hope.

#kotaka talks #omegle #anon #anon ask

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treetownconfessions · 10 months

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literally everyone had an awful experience on amino besides me. besides youtubes chat thing they got rid of i used to have conversations with my friends on there. i used to talk to people and they were genuinely nice. i shockingly never had a bad experience actually. im one in a million. i never understood how that site worked though lol (i still dont)(why. is it so complicated.)

this is like when people tell me about deviantart horrorstories and i have to admit to them that the worst thing i ever went through was the mod of the aph rp i was in trolling us, and also a couple of adult rpers convincing me turkey was spelled turkiye

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slowdesire · 2 years

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oh my god ur post about being uncomfortable around ppl who know you and everything from ghosting and to moving accounts and tumblr being the only safe social media bc of its anonymity,,, i've been struggling with this for years and i didnt even know it had a name of its own, i thought it was just how i was or maybe a symptom of regular anxiety at worst and idk if this is something you'll relate to but its especially anxiety inducing for me when ppl who know me from different settings meet and i suddenly have to reconcile who i am with both people, or how ive always been okay with strangers seeing my art but never ppl that actually know me bc then theyd know too much. anyways sorry this is rambly and ik u said what u like abt this site is not having to talk to anyone so pls dont feel pressured to respond i just had to write this down somewhere bc it is a Revelation

it's totally fine that you sent this in! i actually deal better with asks and especially anon asks compared to messages. hope it's okay im responding, if you need me to take this down just let me know :-)

im glad you could relate to my post (which i deleted, sorry😭) on some level bc i know how great it can feel to be seen or understood by others in that sense. i feel the exact same way as you in terms of struggling with people from different social circles meeting, thus making you reconcile different sides of you in a way... i feel like that's an experience a lot of people have, not just limited to avpd or neurodivergence or anything, but it really is such an alienating conflicting kind of feeling. this was especially hard for me whenever i'd date anyone because other than when i dated a friend we all knew, my close friends would always want me to introduce my partner and even if that was perfectly reasonable i was always just internally like sorry i can't do it.... i can't let any of you meet one another. right now im wondering if that was one sign i wasn't all too ready to be in romantic relationships (and im still grappling with my conflicted feelings abt romance and being single rn). that was a huge tangent on my end lol but im just like you, i actually thought i was struggling with general anxiety for nearly forever!!! so the diagnosis for avpd was kind of shocking ... but also made a lot of sense in retrospect. though even right now, after several months, i don't quite know how to deal with it bc i can't afford therapy rn. but the label and knowledge abt it has been useful nonetheless. there isn't as much research on it and it's not as widely talked about, so i'm still trying to figure out what will help me out.. probably DBT (because CBT tends to stress me out for some reason). ANYWAYS that was another tangent ... im not saying you should say you have avpd or anything bc really there are so many overlaps with general anxiety, social anxiety, avpd, and even other personality disorders but !!!! i am just glad my random vent resonated with you and helped you reflect on things. im always trying to reflect too, since this is something i struggle with pretty much everyday in more aspects than just social life, so it's really nice to hear from you :-) making each other feel less alone :-)

#ans #omg i rambled hardcore

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forgedraptor · 2 years

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i ranted this on twt but its so dumb to see indiviudals from that hellsite getting angry at the dteam, like why are they policing the content that the ccs own??

if the dteam said that its in their boundaries to not repost without a link then respect it

that site prides itself in 'respecting boundaries' yet the moment dream and the dteam talk about it suddenly it doesnt apply

like, dteam arent the only people who talked about this? Philza, MichaelMcchill are other ccs that has stated the same thing before, on how they dont want their content to be reposted

and i dont hear people bitching and moaning and getting angry when they said it

but when its the dteam it suddenly doesnt matter?

and with the whole 'shouldve kept it on the dms' thing, didint dream do that before and someone from the updates acct leaked it and they still got hated??

and dteam didint even say it in a mean way! it was an obvious half joking manner with the words used: ' petition for..' and 'vouch!' is literally a meme for fucks sake

and the updates acct totally get it too, they said that yeah they were just shocked but but they were respectful and understood dteams boundaries, apologized and everything! but some toxic idiots went out harrased and sent dts at them?? like fuck off??

dteam werent hating on the updates acct, and they never did! it was literally just a reminder from their boundaries that they have stated multiple times about, it wasnt a hate message or some bs

and like, that should be it. it was a misunderstanding that both people (dteam and the updates acct) in the argument accepted, agreed and had an understanding

but its these dumbasses that blow it out of proportion, who shout and spread toxcity that made it so much worse than it is!

ugh

im just so sick of that site

at this point i want dteam to just move to discord and reddit because these people just make dramas out of nothing

its fucking exhausting

why is it so hard to just be respectful???

#fr rants #discourse #negative #twitter discourse #twitter neg #georgenotfound #sapnap #dreamwastaken #im sick and tired of twitter its so annoying #i remember pewds saying before that 'twitter is already bad and its gunna get worse' and hes right

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egg-emperor · 2 years

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My dude, its not that your content is boring, or you are a bad writer, or that people hate you. Quite the contrary, you are incredibly creative and passionate and that is always a delight to see. The thing is you are on a dying website on a fandom that tends to be the butt of jokes (so most people dont want to be associated with it) and you write about one of the last popular characters there. Its a niche community, thats why your posts dont reach a big audience. (1/2)

I can't help but feel that way lately ever since my instrusive thoughts came back bad the worst they've ever been and it feels like everyone is proving all the horrible things my mind is telling me about myself and my work to be true. It just seems like people don't really care about what I have to offer anymore, like I can't entertain anymore so now I'm worthless. The idea that my creations that make me happy makes others happy too is one of the only things that kept me going and motivated to share more but it feels like it's dwindling. I appreciate you and everyone else that has been supporting me and I'm glad you still enjoy my content. I don't want to seem ungrateful but my mind is being nasty to me and seeing how a lot of people seem to be losing interest across all three of my blogs more than ever is getting me down even more.

It's a shame that the site is dying when Twitter is garbage that kills the passion and creativity of many. Yeah that might be a part of it but I definitely have a more active follower base than it seems most of the time. I notice this when a bunch of people following me only like/rb/interact with stuff I reblog and clearly scroll past my self made posts in between. And yeah Eggman isn't that popular, especially not modern/game canon. But I'm even starting to feel like an outcast to the Eggman fandom space here (despite being here before most since 2015 when there were barely any Eggman posting blogs. I was the one accused of gatekeeping for not liking jimbotnik but I'm the one feeling pushed out and alienated now lol) because I don't like the movie and I'm not big on the popular romantic ships, headcanons, and fanon interpretations now. It just feels like everything I do is wrong and what I have to offer is never good enough, or the interest doesn't last because I don't do all the new things that are considered cool now.

Undoubtedly part of it is also that I write more. But fuck man, art is hard and even harder when you have to digitalize it on a phone. It's become more stressful than fun so I can't do it a lot. I just wish that fandoms didn't always make creators feel like writing doesn't matter and isn't as good as art. I've seen people entirely disregard writing and automatically assume it to be trash just because it isn't art. And a lot of people don't tend to support writing like they do with art, even if they do like it. But I wish people understood that creators need at least some support if they want them to keep creating, otherwise they won't think it's worth it or anyone cares. We're not mindless content machines to pump out content and entertain until people get bored of us. Both art and writing takes time, passion, and effort and a bit of support goes a long way but sometimes you get nothing but silence and it can be more crushing than hate at times, left to wonder if your creations were even worth your time to create or anyone else's to consume.

But aside from that, what also gets me down is that I do actually see people supporting other's writing and encourage more from them but I don't get any of that type of support, feedback, or criticism from those very same people when it comes to mine, despite them being so similar. I tend to get brushed off or ignored or nowhere near as much hype. And I know it sounds like jealousy but it honestly just makes wonder what, is it just my stuff specifically that's just not good enough for them? And it just never seems good enough, no matter how hard I try. I realize there are times it is in fact personal and I have no idea why because they don't tell me and I feel terrible when it ends up confirming my fears, then I worry if it's always the case. That's the stuff that hurts the most, more than people just outright telling me if they don't like or aren't interested in my stuff anymore, which would hurt less.

I know not everyone thinks I should die really but it's easy to think that way in times where I get insults and suicide bait from people shitting on me and what I do more than I get positive or supportive comments. So that's why it feels like people just want me to die, I'm told so in my inbox. I'm not saying I demand endless high praise but just someone simply saying they enjoyed something I posted instead of just silence has a way bigger positive impact than they think but some don't anymore. And if there's a reason why or it isn't personal, I wish they'd tell me so it puts my mind to rest, instead of pretending I don't see blatant disinterest or the ignoring that drives me mad and kills motivation. The hateful people are more vocal and then it feels like nobody else cares and it drags me down.

I swear some people, both general followers and some people I'm closer to are just losing interest and getting sick of me personally and it's hard seeing it happen and seemingly being unable to do anything, making it feel like my time of being capable of doing anything good and likable in their eyes has passed. And it's just hard accepting that and letting it go, especially when you never get the real answers and you're left wondering what went wrong and why you're not good enough anymore. I've had moments of realization where my heart sinks when I present something I'm proud of and I get unenthusiastic responses or silence. And feeling either people drift away or being insulted more often than anything positive gives my sick brain a lot to work with in further attacking me with nasty intrusive thoughts too. But like I said, that last part is on me and I feel I'm just genuinely too mentally ill to handle being on the internet.

I appreciate all of you that do support me and my passion and creations, it might just look silly on the surface with my rambling and gushing but what I create is important to me and it means the world to me that it's enjoyed by anyone else. It gets tough with my mind and negativity I receive but I try not to lose sight of the positive things or forget people enjoy my work, which makes it worth turning my passion and ideas into something I can share. I'm trying to get better at not letting negative and hateful stuff matter and only value the good but sometimes when I'm already dealing with enough privately and come online and see this happening too, it's the little extra push I need to reach the breaking point. But at the same time, when I'm in some of my darkest places with things I don't talk about, coming online and seeing kind words and knowing my stuff is enjoyed means everything and manages to put a smile on my face, no matter how awful I feel. And that's what keeps me creating and sharing for as long as I'm here. Thank you. 💜

#asks #vent

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noxrynne · 3 months

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uhhhhh this site sucks i had to edit this four times to get the thing to actually do thee cut goddamn its more cuz its a block'a text no one should be forced to scroll THAT long over sheesh

Just putting it under a read more as people really hate the animation/show and the weird thing is it's one of the few times I think I've related to a character present in it (who is usually the topic of everyone's derision) in such a way where it's like looking in a mirror when I was... god, fucking 12 - 22~, and kind of it clicking in my head what was wrong with me. Not like, full picture, but. I don't know, I never really related to a character like this before and it's weird. Not necessarily in a bad way, either. Like, it makes me uncomfortable. Sure, but it's kind of... a healthy discomfort, for me at least. To see it all laid out in this way where it... and I feel pathetically stupid for this, clicked in my head why someone from my trans therapy group yelled at me after they realized how I was treating myself. I went through a lot of similar dark places. I behaved in similar ways. I got yelled at, like I deserved, but never understood why someone cared. I've been working on self improvement in this area for a while, and it's absolutely the hardest one. And a lot of it did, maybe stupidly? Begin with this character and some of the songs that followed, and now I'm really thinking back on it since my boyfriend and I watched the newly released show and. There's a scene that hit me really hard. I don't think it didn't belong there. It nailed in the idiot part of my brain the "see? other people have problems like that. Know people like that. Are treated that way, too. It's not that there's something wrong with you, intrinsically. Just a dash of rotten luck and collapsing in on yourself in the aftermath." It took it seriously, in a context that meshed with my brain to where I felt like "yeah, that's. That's at least. How I felt. Pretty much. When I was treated like that. Brushed it off and turned it into jokes, too." I don't wanna get into all the nitty gritty details, because they aren't pretty and I still have to contend with it. But it felt kinda... mmm, I don't know, like when I saw so many people shitting on it - saying it doesn't belong, in fact, this should never be portrayed, it's immoral to portray this and so on. I have such a warped view of... the topic, I guess? But I mean, it did help me contextualize a few things better that I've been struggling to. And I found a lot of comfort in that uncomfortable scene because of that. And... like, I know I have a... how do I phrase it, like a... not... normal view? Since I... like, was kinda... I mean. Like. I. I don't know. I mean I know. I just. You know. But I don't know, like. I feel nervous talking about it, because of the media property it's related to and how strongly people feel about it. And, I mean, I know the healthy answer is to just be "fuck it, you're allowed" but I guess I just think back to all the times things I liked/cared about were shit on and feel like "Should... I feel... guilty? Because I kinda do. And I don't think I should. But maybe I should? Is there something to it or... something that I don't get?" and yeah this is about Angel Dust in Hazbin Hotel. yeah this is the character story that got me to (even with the pilot/songs) try to actually tackle this shit 'cuz I still can't get myself to physically talk about these things irl. and. idk. its. mm. its hard to really feel like im. i just. i dont talk about it much at all 'cuz i dont wanna annoy people if they hate the show 'n stuff 'cuz i know ppl feel strongly and. yeah. so i over explained it because a part of me wanted to express a kinda... happiness that a story got me to think better about myself. and i dont. understand why there's so many like. snap judgments or vitriol, i guess.

#i thought i wrote above the readmore oops #anyway its a long block of text about a character and a show a lotta ppl really hate #u know Hzbn Htl and im writing it that way cuz #like i aint tryin to have this turn up in search results if i can help it u kno #but i mean i wrote it KNOWING that can happen so like #yeah #idk

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adupadu · 1 year

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~~ 1

It's been some time since i was active on here. i basically deleted the tumblr app off of my phone and that was basically the only way i used this platform. lot's of things have happened since i last wrote anything here ofc. i would still occasionally visit the site and reblog a few things but ofc i didn't really use it as i used to. so here's a list of things that have happened:

I started college.

Made a few new friends.

Lost a friend.

Had embarrassing moments during my interactions in class and with my new friends.

Learned loads of new things.

I couldn't think of anything else as of right now. I moved out of my country in September and it's been a few months since im at this new place. I didnt really like it at first well because i felt lonely sitting alone in my home with no friends and basically no interaction with people apart from my family. I still did talk to my friends back home but ofc with distance it was difficult and slowly but steadily the bond i had with them worsened. gosh i hate saying it but i wish i was better at talking on calls or being more expressive of my feelings or i wish i never moved here and everything was as i want it to be.

But ofc life will never be how u want it to be. i like to think that life tends to be how u need it to be rather than what u want it to be, maybe this is necessary for me. I get really sad these days looking at other people who stayed back in India and how they have new friends and they seem to enjoy their lives. I also feel sad looking at people who moved out of India because they seem to also have made new friends and they seem to be so happy and I feel like i am the only one who's left behind.

I've met a few new people but idts i am at a level with them that i can call them friends. I met two people on the orientation day and i still talk to them, heck i even played at the arcade in out college with one of them. but they seem to have new friends too whom they hangout with more. i met others too in my class but it was nothing more than an introduction and sharing id's. I feel all alone. every weekend i sit at home doing my assignments or reading while everyone else hangs out with their friends. part of the problem is that i am a commuter and i dont live on campus so i cannot be as involved as others. (again i am complaining about my situation)

There's more i want to get off my mind and dump here but idts i am in a place to do it rn.idts anyone will read this but if anyone's is and u made it till here. thanks :). even tho ill never know if u read it or not i believe it makes me somehow feel heard and understood.

-Aditya

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fuckentoastybitch · 2 years

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i used tumblr like, only ONCE in 2016 during the beginning of my markiplier phase and that only lasted like three months. i never understood this site, still dont tbh but im trying

#i sound ancient #im only 20 years old but i just never got into tumblr #my teen years was mostly spent on youtube comment section and instagram shitposts

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skunkes · 2 years

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sorry if you’ve answered this before but can i ask what ur process is for making stickers? i would love to make my own but i never understood how ppl make them independently outside of using sites like redbubble where they print/ship the stickers for you ^^; do you order batches through stickermule or a similar site? or is there a way to produce them at home?

Yes! There is a way to produce em at home but I feel i dont make enough stickers that wld sell really really well to justify the cost, + i do not have insider knowledge on that part as i do not make them myself, sorry ^_^

Up to now i have used 3 separate places for stickers, ill probably add limks when im on web.

Read more is bc i am going into depth on the sites ive used and my experience + how you navigate em, bc i know i always like a lot of info on ths sort of stuff, feel free to ask more questions if you'd like to know anything else ^_^

V/ograce:

✨ Vo/grace is the cheapest of all options I'll be listing, and the trade off is it'll take about a month or longer for them to produce the sticker + for it to arrive to you.

✨ They have lots of options other sites dont (sparkle star and heart holo patterns i love so munch!) but they dont have a matte option iirc. Still good and varied! Ive enjoyed the quality + recently they've improved the...color printing?

✨ You upload files on the item page (its best to label em by Amount You Want + Size to make it easier for them (like CowboySticker_50pc_2inches)) + they later email you with a digital proof of how the outlines are and you can ask them to change it then, otherwiae minimal contact (if the proof is good you just say "yes its good to go!")

✨ Only thing here is sometimes proofs can be confusing (i ordered a sticker meant to be holo on 2 areas. They ended up not being holo at all, and i could not tell from the proofs lol like there was no indicator that theyd end up not holo :( ), and then it's hard to get things fixed if youre on a deadline (like ppl who make stickers for cons) bc itd take another month for the fixed ones to get to you

I use vo/grace when i rlly want a sparkle star or heart holo design, or lots of designs that fit within the materials they have ^_^ they also only have like a 10 sticker minimum order quantity (MOQ) i believe?? So you have to order 50 stickers at minimum but you can make them be 5 different designs of 10 iirc

Stic/kerapp:

🌷 Stick/erapp has the best/my favorite sticker UI out of the sites Ive used, you upload your file and theres an editor where you can decide how big you want the border of your sticker, what color, you can adjust how big you want em to be, + other things, so you don't have to wait for a digital proof

🌷 I've had good experiences w them and the cost is good but I havent used em in a while, and last i heard they are getting a lot of attention rn due to increased popularity, which has led to them getting some orders wrong, which is ok, but I've also seen people say customer support for this has not been great recently, so I am...not completely advocating against em but I'm avoiding em for the moment until things mybe calm down? But thats bc im not a risk taker urnshfksjf

🌷 I rlly do hope things are resolved soon bc they also have some special sticker materials that other sites dont have that id love to experiment with, but its not like. A NEED ^_^

Cant remember the MOQ here but i think its also 50. I think the base MOQ for sticker sites is 50

Stick/erninja:

🌈 Sti/ckerninja is a small local business in portland iirc. I used them for my most recent sticker (be my cowboy) bc I wanted it to be matte and Vog/race doesnt have matte sticker yet! I like their UI and the way they have options and materials set up. You upload your file (all these sites specify which they accept btw ^_^) and it gives you a little mini thumbnail on what it'll look like. This is good bc I actually had some file issues and I was able to see the file i uploaded messed up the colors! So i was able to fix it before purchasing.

🌈 They give you an estimated shipping time + some time later you'll get an email with digital proof and dimensions, if there are issues you can contact them and if not you just approve on a little menu in your account ^_^ iirc they also give discounts for specific designs and are vocal about supporting things like blm which is epic to me ^_^ my experience with them was quite nice + I think prices are similar to stick/erapp.

✨ Again I'm not a big risk taker and my stuff always flops so I usually stick to vogr/ace for the cost bc I have the time/dont do cons or anything w a deadline ^_^ mybe you cld start there if you wanna start out without investing a lot of money!

🌈 I rlly rlly liked matte sticker feeling so until vo/grace adds that I'm doing that much on stick/erninja! But i use both of these interchangeably atm!

🌷 I wld check each of em out for materials to see which you like too bc they all have their own special ones i think. I think stick/erapp has a lot of options ppl enjoy, but no sparkle holo like vo/grace. Sticke/rninja has blacklight florescent sticker options! Etc

I havent tried other sites as theyre usually more expensive hdhskfjskd ^_^ but yeag!

#long post -#skunk mail #anonymous

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semischarmed · 3 years

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“Ben”

I was out on a socially distant walk by the woods when I notice a fire dance across the night sky and into the woods. Against my better judgement, I decide to investigate.

A small glowing silver ball sat among the forest wreckage. I reach out, almost by trance, and immediately feel a spark course through me on contact. In the process, my clothing ignites in brilliant green flame. Then, I feel a presence. Immediately, I turn around, still holding the orb. Amidst the green flame was a puddle of metallic gray slime. It vibrates before sending out a little slimy limb which slowly rocks side to side, as if to examine me, before jumping for my face.

For once in my life, I react quickly enough and instead catch the thing in my hand. It was slick, and unbelievably cold. The mass begins to glow dimly, as I hold it out in front of me. I stare at it expectantly as it again forms a tiny limb, re-examining me. In a flash of green, the little wad of silver goo transforms into what appeared to be a tiny silver human. No, human’s not quite the right word. It was humanoid, sure, but the proportions were all wrong, almost cartoon-like. It had a larger more bulbous head with large reflective eyes and a small, near indiscernible mouth. The hands were larger as well, while the arms and legs were far thinner. Despite strange the sight before me, I sense no ill intent. Its beady little black eyes watch at me, displaying not only life, but intelligence. Words cannot explain how I knew, nor can it explain why I ask my next question out loud in a language it certainly did not understand. “What are you”?

Its eyes begin to glow as it opens its mouth to speak, “Human...” it states in plain english. I jump back, almost dropping the thing out of my hand before catching it. “Thank you. I have chosen a form and language most suitable to your own. I am weak from my crash and from your atmosphere. You are not afraid or angry?” It takes its little arm and gently strokes my skin. “Your body appears to be incompatible with my physiology... perhaps due to your contact with my craft. As I understand it, your species is incredibly hostile. If you are intending on destroying me, my only wish is for a swift and painless death.”

I stood dumbfounded until I realized the small orb-egg-thing he came in was some kind of craft. “uh... this yours?”

“You seem unafraid of my presence and do not appear to intend to destroy me, despite these circumstances. Perhaps my information is incorrect? Has your planet had contact with other such beings previously?” it asked. “No.. uh, I can’t explain it but you don’t really seem like a bad-“

“-Guy” it corrected me. “My closest equivalent to your species is what you would classify a male. You appear shocked. Are you alright?”

Holy shit an actual, real-life alien! And it speaks English! I screamed in my head. Despite the absurdity, I cannot help but respond plainly, “Oh, um, this planet has not had any contact before. At least not that I’d be aware of.”

“I see, you are a friend then. Thank you human, I am in debt to you” it states. Looking at the small humanoid before me, I cannot help but want to protect it. It obviously did not intend to do anything or it would have killed me by now. Still, I felt somewhat bad, he really did not seem like a bad guy and, from the movies, it never usually ends well for the alien.

“You came in a big crash, right? So the government or whatever is probably looking for you. We should probably find a safe place for you, um... what can I call you, anyway?” I ask. It looks at me in silence again, then flashes an impossibly bright, green light from its hands before pondering for a moment, and stating “You have not lied. Thank you for your sincerity and your support. I may be called Ben.”

“Ben?” I can’t help but chuckle a little. “You travel all the way across the universe and you’re just plain old Ben?” Its formed its own little smile, which I find endearing. “My true name is—“ the rest was unintelligible. “Ben it is!” I laugh, “Look, we need to get you out of here. I’ve seen what they do to aliens in the movies.” Ben produces a small oddly heavy rock. “Understood. Please. Drop this into my crash site. It should cover our traces” it states in a weak smile before falling over momentarily. I oblige.

“Cool, cool. So...um.. what now? Also, are you alright?” I ask.

“Your planet... It is poison to my form. I am moments away from death. I need a genetic input to adapt to this atmosphere. I would feel safest inside a human.” Inside?

“Well.. uh... i dont really have much going on, on a friday night so...”

It smiles again. “I appreciate the gesture, friend, but as I have mentioned, our forms are incompatible. As such, I require a different vessel. Please select any of your choice.”

“You’re a little forward, buddy” I add playfully.

“Apologies human, your language is somewhat difficult to grasp. I appreciate any and all attempts at assistance”. The little silver alien in my hand sits down.

“Ok, let’s get you somewhere safe... Anyway I know just the guy....”

Fucking Austin. That smug tool was the my bully from way back when and was/is a massive jerk. He was also fucking hot and he knew it. I think he got off on it too- After years of torment, I couldn’t wait for this little alien to do whatever it needed to do inside him.

The walk back is embarrassing as my naked form scrambles in the dark, hoping to avoid any onlookers. Thankfully, it was the dead of night, and our neighborhood is fairly empty. I walk up to his garage, lit by a lone bulb, where he was presumably working on his car. Sweat and grime cover his torso. Of course, he strips to shirtless as soon as he notices me, offering me a tantalizing peek, like he always did when he brought a girl over. “Why are fucking naked you creep. The fuck you want, fag?” He sneers as his eyes immediately lock on to the small orb I am using to cover my junk.

“THIS!” I shout, extending out my other arm, holding little alien man. For a moment, nothing happens and he raises his eyebrows in amusement. It quickly shifts in shock when Ben springs to life, jumping onto Austin’s bare chest. The little silver man clings to his sweaty chest hairs, using them as leverage to scramble up Austin’s face.

“The fuck?!” He spat as he swats at the little alien. With a fervor, Ben dodges and continues inhumanly and follows with his quick dash, crawling up to Austin’s right nose. Austin attempts to get the little silver man off him but to no avail. Despite his shape, Ben is incredibly slippery, and Austin’s thick fingers cannot get a good grasp.

Austin screams as Ben has lodged himself inside Austin’s right nose, secreting a silvery slime while he burrows ever deeper into him. Austin’s eyes shut tight and his mouth opens in anguish. “FUCK!” he shouts as he tries to pull my friend’s tiny legs out. Ben is victorious in this struggle and Austin’s fingers again slip. “AHRRG” He shouts, while right side of his face crinkles in pain. I watch in amusement as Austin is reduced to small, rhythmic grunts. “....Fu-...Fu-... FF....hu...hu”. I no longer see any semblance of my alien friend so he must have crawled deep, deep inside of Austin.

Stillness washes over Austin before he starts again, mumbling slowly. “S-stop.... get out” he repeats, as his body starts swaying back and forth and his head bobs forwards and backwards. His eyes roll to the back of his head in delirium. Abruptly, he screams “GET THE FUCK OUT” in an angry growl and one eye rolls back go lock on to me. “YOU!” He shouts. Before he can move any closer, the veins in his body flare to life and I notice they start writhing, throbbing, coursing with some silvery liquid before returning to normal. Austin’s face quickly goes from anger into unconscious stupor as a line of silvery drool escapes his mouth and his entire body begins trembling. He slumps foward and then falls. I run forward and struggle to try to hoist the massive pile of quivering meat up. Still, he topples over, falling right on top, crushing and pinning me beneath the weight of his muscled form.

Despite the situation, I am completely entranced. I can barely breath from the weight of Austin on top, only managing steady, shallow breaths. He continues convulsing, causing the day’s worth of grime and sweat to smear onto me. Hot. Just feeling him like this, feeling his skin meet and rub across mine, was turning me on. This was physically the closest I have ever been to this man. His convulsions slowly die down, until he is just sleeping on top of me, pinning me to his dirty garage floor. I remark him, the breathing in his shallow breaths, the heat from his previous struggle, his salty, putrid sweat that now caked both of us. I was taking in all the Austin that I had previously only dreamt of having.

His gentle sleep is broken when his eyes shoot wide open. They’re incredibly wide, dilated, glassy. Silver tears escape their corners. His lips curl into an open mouth, breathy smile, and he motions to speak “..... ahhhhhhh” he states moving the muscles on his face and vocal cords as if for the first time. Despite the absurdity of the situation, I could clearly tell what was happening. Enough movies and TV and wishful dreams to more or less grasp what had just occured. The man before me was not Austin-at least, not the Austin I knew. This was all Ben.

“Sorr-“ he murmurs, as he pushes himself and his weight off me. He watches himself, first moving his digits one at a time, while he examines how muscle and sinew stretch and contract to accommodate his commands. He gently rubs his hands together, as if to wash them, remarking on every feeling. With these gentle fingers, he traces over his left bicep, following it’s curves and valleys, as if he had sculpted them himself. He tugs a little at strands of his armpit hair, remarking on the new texture, before sniffing the droplets of sweat that had clung to his fingers and making a sour face. “You humans are so fascinating. It’s like this body is constantly producing its own serum. what a wasteful process. Such a high temperature as well... your are.. inefficient models.” He licks his right bicep like a cat, which causes a stirring in my pants. “Still, these byproducts of your living... they are quite delicious”.

Austin’s tour then follows his chest. “I see you are bound to your forms, with no ability to shift”.’ He cups his left nipple, remarking at the musculature within. “Hmm... that description is inaccurate...You appear to be somewhat capable of physical change, though not as drastically as my species.” He twirls a finger around his left nipple, smiling slightly at the stimulation. “Oh...though your species has a far heightened pleasure ceiling. This is...” He trails as he repeats the maneuver with his right nipple and stifles a moan. I stand, awestruck and slightly horny at the sight of my former bully pleasuring himself. He continues, taking his hands further down and feeling each ab before he stops at his pants. Austin pauses, curious, raising his head as if to scan his own brain for information, before flatly stating his catchphrase “Bet you’d like to suck this fat cock, wouldn’t you?” He spat to the side before immediately resuming his former tone, “Apologies, human emotions are... difficult to reign in. This vessel is responding to my intrusion unpredictably...“ He then wears Austin’s personality again. “But anyway thanks bitch, for giving me this hot, hot, jock cock. Time for me to pay up. I got cash... booze... weed... other shit” he winks. “So what’ll it be?”

In the heat of the moment, I could only reply back what I wanted. What I’ve always wanted. “Let me suck your fat cock” I reply automatically.

The mood shifts immediately and Austin’s face is perplexed. “This function you are requesting, it does not lead to procreation. It lacks any of your societal benefit...What good does it do you?” I decide to push a little further than I normally would have. “Let me show you” I state, giving him a wink. I strip Austin down and gently grab his thick cock, relishing in the moment. It flares to life, slowly hardening, increasing in size. I clasp my hand a little tighter around the rod start with slow, rhythmic strokes. Of course, I look to the face Ben was wearing for any cues, but it remains emotionless. I start to pull away before Ben finally speaks up “I see... benefit. Please, continue demonstrating”. Fuck. After all these years. All his teasing, he was finally here and he was finally mine.

“My body appears to recall this... this behavior is consiered gay, yes”

“Fuck yeah it is....”

“My body... these memories I have commandeered indicate this is something Austin is neither familiar nor entranced with. I will try to apply its equivalent knowledge accordingly” he stated flatly, somewhat confused at the situation. “Apologies... as I have mentioned, your language is a little complex.” I ignore him and continue.

“I personally.. to find this behaviour... hmmm.... acceptable...but.. he.. appears to.. I... Hmmm.... Fuuuuck!” he screamed, as his body abruptly leaned forward. His emotionless face begins to dance with a wellspring of feeling. It cringes first, then flashes into one of bliss, then pain, anger, intimidation, until settles into sneer. Mine of course flashes imminent doom. Oh Shit.

“Uh.. little buddy? You there?” I ask nervously. He grabs me, dragging my face near his. I am prepared for the worst.

“You know, he really fucking hates this. I can feel him resisting... Fuck you!” He spits. I still cannot tell who is who, until he clarifies. “Austin must really, really hate you.... but I dont” He leaned his face further in, giving me little chance to react before he jams a thick slimy tongue into my mouth. When he pulls back, his face then showed an odd emotion-cute, even. He was looking for approval. I, turned on by the past events, quietly nod in shock. Emotion immediately shifts back. “Come here, bitch!” he screams, pulling me back to him, bringing our faces close together while he hocks a wad of Austin’s spit at me. That part, I was familiar with and I instantly wince, expecting the normal pummeling I’d get. Instead, he sticks his hand down to scoop some of cum he had just released and aggressively smearing it all over my face and running Austin’s seed through my hair. “You’re mine forever, you get that right? Fuckin twerp. You fucking want this, right?” Austin stated with a sneer. He jams his tongue into my mouth again for another sloppy kiss and I explode cum in my underwear. Goddamn this was hot. Fuck. All those years of torture and in the end, here he was, seeking my approval, seeking to be mine. The sneer plastered on his face shifts immediately to one of concern and validation-seeking.

“Are you alright, friend? I apologize for the scare, I was attempting to follow-“

“No, no, no...” I mumble in heat. “Turn... FUCK...turn whatever the fuck that was back on. This is, god, this is everything.”

My little buddy complies, rolling Austin’s head and eyes back before immediately shifting his face back to his trademark sneer and giving my face a sloppy lick. “Bro, this body fucking hates you. You know? Feelings are created by brain and all that shit, like damn... all I wanna do inside this hunk of flesh is give you the pummeling you fucking deserve.” he states menacingly, before giving my face another lick. “But dont worry I fucking love you, bro. Look at me when I’m fucking talking. I am Austin. New and improved. Maybe this was what I was missing in my home-world. Maybe your degenercy has tainted me. Maybe this vessel has. To be honest, we don’t really give a fuck. Well, he does but I speak for us both now. This little... experience...has been a delight and a revelation. According to this meatbag’s brain ‘you’re gay as shit’ so, help me to help you. Austin’s gay as shit now too. For you at least. Help your daddy Austin betray his species find me some more of these kinds of males. Whichever you like. I’ll make our wildest dreams come true.” He comes in for another sloppy kiss, and sticks his muscular hand down my pants, corralling my seed and scooping out it out moments later. It is slick with my cum. “Hahaha this body finds this act so revolting. According to his memories, he finds you utterly disgusting. Well... I’m into it, let’s stick some of you inside Dear old Austin. I’ll stuff your cum so deep in him, he’ll never get it out. Our boy is quite the fighter too, he’s resisting me, even now”. Austin regains momentary control. “NO FUCKING WAY” His arm struggles and shakes as it brings the cum-covered hand to his mouth. In the end, Ben is successful and Austin has no choice but to jam the slimy hand to his mouth, slurping each digit individually, caking his insides with me. “Mmmmm but you taste so fucking good...bro... well to me at least. This body physically hates this. Too bad our little Austin isn’t in control right now. And when I’m done with him, he’ll come back wanting more”. He repeats the gesture with his other hand, and cracks his neck, piloting Austin far more naturally. “As long as we keep him well-fed, I can continue to pilot this hot piece of ass without resistance. We will transcend this meat-suit. With me running the show from this fucking hot bod, and you at our side, we will be unstoppable.” He states in deranged glee. I worry slightly until Austin’s persona flips to Ben’s normal formal tone. “Ah, apologies, as you know, this body thinks very highly of himself” he states with a slight chuckle ”but no worries... no more outbursts.”

“Some more information about myself, while I make some rearrangements to this body’s brain. My species has the ability to commandeer others into vessels, though I believe this is a byproduct of our formless nature more than our intended purpose. You see, home-world has isolationist tendencies. We keep to ourselves. I am somewhat aberrant in this matter. We are powered by genetic diversity, yet they choose to remain within the one world when there is a whole universe outside of home to explore. I am different. I want it all, I want to see, hear, feel, experience what this wonderful universe has to offer. For that, I was cast away, to travel this lone plane with my craft. This life is a quiet one, so I am fortunate to have met you.” He strokes my cheek lovingly with Austin’s hands. I initially wince out of habit, but he seems to have understood. “Thank you, for everything,” Ben says sincerely with a kind smile. I beam back but immediately blurt out what had been on my mind throughout his whole monologue “why me though?”

“As you know, each human’s genetic output is a mix of information.”

“Uh huh” I trail, struggling to follow along.

“Well, your specific combination produces a nectar to our species which we would find intoxicating. Perhaps it had been slightly altered by my crash.” Ben stares at me with Austin’s eyes, relaying an intelligence that my former bully had never previously had. “Beyond that, in my eons of travel, I have never met a more kind or accommodating individual”

“I like your genetic material, your signature, your blend...it is... hmmm...there is no equivalent phrase for this- at least within your capacity of emotion- but make no mistake, it’s delicious and I would like some more.” His demeanor shifts. “Do you like Austin? Do you like me?” He asks in a playful tone as he circles Austin’s nipple with his finger. Austin then grabs my arms, rubbing them across his abs. “Yeah, this meatsuit is a fucking keeper, isn’t he? I can tell you love this bitch” He teases with Austin’s mannerisms. Ben has been getting really good at this, he’s practically imperceptible from Austin when he’s acting. I nod eagerly in approval, still feeling up my former tormentor as he stretches his arms and gives a yawn.

“Good, good. Well he’s all set. Let me just get our friend Austin prepped. I will to give him some autonomy but, given my penchant for your genetic information, you may see a slight adjustment to his personality.” He winks. “Please bring my pod over, I must conserve some energy, I believe to you humans to understand the equivalent to be hibernation.” I pull the pod up to Austin. “Lower bitch” he commands, grabbing my arms and pulling the pod to his dick. He strips Austin naked before wrapping Austin’s vascular hands over mine, moving them in a way that splits the pod open. He then uses Austins hands to slowly wrap my fingers around his dick. “Pump,” he commanded. I comply, masturbating his dick until it explodes a stream of silver all over the pod. The silver gel congeals into the pod and Austin’s body drops unconscious. I catch the pod and gently place it on his table.

I watch Austin expectantly. He wakes, showing me a look of confusion before sternly asking “the fuck are you looking at, fag?” He then sniffs the air, raising his thick biceps to quickly verify if the smell had been emanating from his armpits. He grimaces, “Goddamn I reek...Did you do this?” Eyes lock with mine as I see only fury blazing. His eyes go wide as his face displays the recollection of our nightly encounter. He quickly runs over, blocking any escape route out of his garage. “You bitch!” He shouts. Before I can react, Austin pushes me up to the wall, shouldering my body and neck and locking me and my airways in place. He raises a fist, and I flinch until... well... nothing. I watch his face, attempting to discern what had just occurred. He releases his grasp slightly, allowing me to finally catch my breath.

He was still furious. Unimaginably so, but I see it tinged with something else as well... shame? And I then notice another feeling, as I begin to feel his heartbeat and breathing quicken. It’s an emotion I have only been able to see in him once- only when Ben had been controlling him. It was lust. He again motions angrily to punch me with a muscular right hook, before stopping his own hand, mere inches from my face.

“I UGH...FUUUUCK....” he shouts, looking away seemingly angry at himself before he punches the wall beside me, leaving a dent. He looks back at me, motioning to give my cheek a tender stroke before he catches himself and shakes his head in anger. “That spiteful bitch! I dont know what little trick you pulled you little asshole, but... hmmmm” he moans, smelling the scent of my fear and desperation... ”man have you always smelled this good?” he mumbled quietly to himself. I decide to take a little risk with this opportunity “Yeah bro? I taste pretty good too,” I state seductively.

That seems to have set him off. He was still somewhat angry obviously, but the lust only seems to have only deepened and overtaken him. He rushes our bodies closer. Sweat drenched abs hover tantalizing close to my stomach, as his sculpted biceps and vascular forearms bound my cheeks. He leans in, inches from my face.

“You want this ass, right? I can be a fag too, only for you” he whispers, leaning even closer to me as I breath in my prior bully’s hot steamy breaths. I instantly go hard. He notices and proceeds by planting a slow, sloppy kiss on my lips. I have to admit, Austin was a great kisser, better than Ben even. Hungrily, Ravenously, his lips pry mine open as his thick tongue dances inside my mouth, greedily tasting me. I reciprocate. In turn, he hugs our bodies together, and I feel his large form encapsulate my own with a warmth and an odd tenderness that I had never even fathomed him capable of generating.

He pulls back, breaking me out of my trance. “But, can you put that little thing back in me... I... uh... together...we uh...look, I want him back. I need him back.“ He begs. “Something...missing inside me.... fill it”.

Goddamnit Ben. I gesture with my head to the motionless pod containing my friend while I chuckle to myself. “He’s sleeping”. Slight adjustment my ass.

He looks back at the pod, obviously disappointed. Then he looks at me, gaze softened, the facade from his usual persona all but broken, “Sorry, can’t help myself... well fuck it, I know you always wanted this anyway,” he mumbled as he nuzzled my neck and shoulder, taking in my essence in deep inhales. I feel myself blush as he continues and then does a quick survey of my body. “When he’s using me.. I can feel... I-I know he loves you... look, I know he wants more... but you fucking better- I’m gonna stay your fucking favorite right? You can use me too, or whatever. I can be your bitch. I can be whatever you want me to me... Just, keep me around, ok? And keep him inside me” I muse at how the old me would have killed to hear similar words from Austin, years ago.

He pauses for a moment, looking away in disgust at his own actions before yielding and scratching his head as he forces out his next words:

“look man... just... the thing that’s missing from me... well this is gonna be weird ask bro, but...can you cum in my mouth?”

—————

I’m a little bit shit with the titles but thats neither here nor there. Used some other similar stories I’ve read in the past for inspiration. Hope y’all like it. Next one’s probably gonna be a continuation on that Chrysalis one. What kind of possession stories are your favorite?

#male possession #malepossession #male puppet #alien possession

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tundrainafrica · 3 years

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Hi, i saw some time ago you compared Royai to Levihan, would you mind elaborating more on their similarities? I ship both and looking at they compared blow my mind

YES. Beautiful ask anon! As always, sorry for only getting into this now, my inbox is still a mess I am currently trying to make sense of. But legit, I could talk about this for hours. Cause I’m that fucking simp who just randomly goes on Youtube and watches the Riza breakdown vs. Lust scene just to see some GREATTT acting and some great crumbs.

So anyway, will be moving on now to this really long and--mind you--uncurated rant.

Disclaimer though: Although I have watched all the fullmetal stuff, from the first anime, to brotherhood to the manga and have lurked in the fanfiction sites long before (like fam, this anime is literally my childhood it’s such a big part of my life that when I hear ‘mustang’ I think of roy mustang not the car), but at this point, the main story line for me is a blur and I probably just remember only the Roy scenes and the Royai scenes well.

I was not a big fan of Edwin for multiple reasons.

Warning: Spoilers abound for FMA so read at your own risk. And for people who watch FMA but not AOT, spoilers abound for AOT is well.

So there are a lot of similarities between Levihan and Royai and I think this is the reason why Levihan definitely appealed to me a lot as a couple. Royai after all was my OG ‘I think I wanna be in this type of relationship’ type of couple.

Military Setting

I’ve always found these types of relationships interesting cause I like to think, you’re in such a high stakes and very stringent atmosphere where you could die at any moment and you’re constantly doing such morally grey things. And with that, people have the tendency to either close in on themselves and just keep to themselves or just go crazy over time. Yet you have people who find the time to form CLOSE and almost ROMANTIC bonds with your fellow soldiers

And I just like the process of exploring how this happens. And you know what makes it juicier?

2. The commander to the subordinate dynamic (with a twist)

The boss to the follower dynamic because Royai and Levihan are both incredibly healthy and stable relationships but they both come from something taboo right? A commander to subordinate relationship? So we ask ourselves? How did they both make it work?

Well, what I notice is despite the implied respect Riza and Levi both hold for Roy and Hange respectively, due to their positions in the military, do you notice Hange and Roy still have respect over Levi and Riza’s opinions. I cannot remember all the scenes in both shows but remember that scene where Riza would just stop Roy half way into fighting when it’s raining because sometimes he does forget that he can’t do his fire thing when it’s raining? It shows obviously that Riza could undermine his decisions if she finds them completely idiotic or out of the blue. Or that scene where Roy was curbstomping Envy when he found out Envy killed Hughes?

So, the thing is Levi and Hange worked like this too. Even before Hange became commander, I think there was an already implied hierarchical difference between being ‘squad leader’ and being ‘team captain.’ Squad leader’s are generally in a higher position and command a much larger group and do you see how Levi approaches Hange? Like when telling her off about risking her life when trying to capture the titan?

And even when she was commander, that telepathy scene?? Can we appreciate, that when Hange became commander (compared to when Erwin was commander), Levi took the reins of a lot of the leading in the survey corps, as if he understood his job wasn’t just to follow Hange but to take care of her?

Like I’m sure Riza saw her job more as a caretaker to Roy more than his subordinate and seeing this in Levihan was just fantastic.

And another thing I love about both of them...

3. They were just the two competent level headed people

This is such a trope for me. I cannot handle couples where someone is just not competent or is so obviously underpowered compared to the other. Like I want them to be able to handle themselves without the other. And even when they’re alone they’re doing shit and you just find out later, by the way I have this bf/gf/partner who is equally competent. But when we’re together we just share one brain cell because we can practically melt when we’re safe with the other.

And the thing is since they’re in a military setting we don’t see them ‘practically melt,’ we can usually just pick out the crumbs (ehem 126), and the fact that these crumbs are such rare gems, makes it all the jucier.

And here’s the thing, in animes and in stories, this ‘competent people’ couple is usually supporting cast cause I dunno? Nobody wants to hear about the competent couple who just figured out they like each other and they just like hanging out with each other for some reason?

And most adventure stories are underdog stories where we watch people start of as dead weight and get stronger which is not boring per se but I dunno, these couples usually dont’ appeal to me fsr because I’m all for the power couple dynamic and the protagonists always have something going on making them doubt their strength so yeah. And there’s usually this token love interest who’s not as strong and tries not to be useless but is kinda dead weight.

4. Their special abilities?

Levi and Hange are a power couple the way Roy and Riza are. When these two couples were introduced into their respective stories, they were all well established as bad asses. We have humanity’s strongest, humanity’s smartest then in FMA we have the flame alchemist one of the strongest alchemists and we have Riza who’s crazy good with a gun.

5. They were never that in your face couple

As said above, I really love competent people ships but nobody really likes reading about people being competent and having their level headed shit together so these characters end up with more of supporting character energy who have their ‘big damn heroes’ moments where they swoop in and save the protagonist.

And the thing is, since they’re supporting characters, there’s so much more room to move when contemplating such couples because the crumbs are there? But at the same time they’re not there? And since I like exploring my own headcanons about those ‘boring’ yet incredibly stable and mature relationships, these tend to be my favorite characters to shoehorn into my spotify playlists.

Edwin and Eremika respectively have more ‘in your face’ crumbs and I dunno, their crumbs for me always seemed to be too obviously there where I was like ‘okay cute relationship’ but ‘I wouldn’t wanna be in a relationship like that’ kinda way.

And since main protagonist romantic subplots crumbs are already ‘in my face’ I end up thinking to myself, what’s there to headcanon?

And like they go through so much more problems romance wise since obviously they are the protagonist. But I guess for me, I never liked those couples who were so obviously together and go through problems that bystanders are aware of. Because I dunno, people might not agree with me but it doesn’t sit well with me when EVERYBODY knows about the problems between two certain people in a relationship.

I always liked those couples who just start off as two people hanging out together and then like five years you find out, they live together and have five cats and it turns out they’ve been married for two of those three years.

And power couples just make it work? Because the stories tend to focus on them being competent people more than being in love so when the coupling actually happens it’s like:

“Wow you live together and have five cats, you worked so hard for it, I’m so happy for you.”

Instead of you know, watching people go through like 3456 instances of miscommunication drama just to end up in a still seemingly doubtful relationship.

6. Iconic scenes for Levihan and Royai?

And here’s the beautiful thing about the crumbs of both of these ships, they are incredibly apparent when the stakes are high and this is *chef’s kiss.* This is literally the climax, the peak to such subtle crumbs. Like okay, fine it’s satisfying to see the main protagonist and their main love interest doing shit and loving each other when the stakes are high like in Season 2 of AOT with Mikasa thinking she’s gonna die so she confesses to Eren or maybe that Naruto and HInata scene in the Pain Arc where Hinata just pops in and saves Naruto and kinda dies in the process

But can we all agree that there is something very very very satisfying about seeing two people who are probably not or are probably dating just going crazy for each other when the stakes are high? Like yo, come on.

My favorite scenes for Royai: The Lust fight scene, the Envy fight scene and lastly, the scene where Roy opens the gates to save Riza and goes blind. Can we just appreciate the fact that Roy risked his Colonel dreams to save Riza by going blind??

And for Levihan? I’m sure Levihans are tired of hearing the chapter numbers but 115? That’s fucking iconic, Hange ltierally jumped into the river with Levi and please tell me that is not a parallel to Roy opening the gates for an already half dead Riza. Mind you, Hange did not even know if Levi would make it or not and she probably didn’t know if she would make it or not either. Any of the soldiers could have literally just shot into the river and nicked them with bullets. She just literally abandoned everything and wooshed to the river.

And I had this convo with a few other people and we were thinking about what if it was anyone else who found Levi. And we came to the conclusion that IT HAD TO BE HANGE. Because somehow, I feel like Hange would have been one of the only few, if not the only one who would have gathered up the courage to jump into the river and risk their own life to save Levi.

And for the next part... Disclaimer: This is just my opinion, please let’s not start a ship war.

Like with the war on twitter “Levihan vs. Eruri,” I started to reflect as well on whether or not Erwin would have saved Levi if he was there instead of Hange but I think it is less likely that Erwin would have saved Levi. Erwin probably wouldn’t have agreed with the rumbling definitely but I cannot help but think, Erwin approached his commander position like a chess master and with this, approached Levi as a superior while Hange approached Levi as an equal and a best friend.

So if, saving Erwin was just going to mess with plans let’s say to manipulate the Yaegerists for some greater purpose, would Erwin have just let Levi die?

7. The magic is no one fits Roy or Riza perfectly.

I had these same thoughts with Shikatema vs. Levihan and now Royai vs. Levihan. So comparing their dynamics, I just have to say, that none of them fit each other perfectly. Hange has Riza and Roy crumbs and Levi has Riza and Roy crumbs too.

Like Roy is some ridiculously strong (Levi) superior (Commander Hange) with a seemingly goofy personality (Hange). Riza is the subordinate (Levi) who’s equally reliable but not as overpowered (Hange) with a very strict but very obviously emotionally constipated personality (Levi)

Like if you put Levihan in some of the token Royai moments. Like the Lust fight? I think Levi would have done something similar to Riza. Okay, he wouldn’t have broken down right then but he would have done something similar to what Roy did when he found out Envy killed Hughes.

I’m convinced Hange would have had a breakdown which is more of an in between between what Roy (Envy fight) and Riza (Lust fight) had in their respective fights. I mean 115 is proof enough that Hange ain’t playing when her bebeluvs is in danger.

8. And towards the end of the series?

Okay this is where the comparisons just kinda diverge because this part makes me sad. In the end game, Royai worked together. Riza became the eyes of Roy when he was making shit explode in the final battle coz he was blind.

And Hange and Levi were completing each other towards the of the AOT end right? Not just with the jian bird references with having parallel injuries. In the final battle though when Levi was out of commission due to the explosion, Hange was the one fighting with the crew until 132. And the moment she died, Levi stepped up and fought right?

Like they had something similar going on, where these two were covering for each other and taking care of the kids. It’s just that compared to Royai who were explicitly working together, we have Hange covering for Levi right after he got injured and Levi stepping up to cover for Hange after she died.

AND I can’t help but think, literally post time skip just could not handle Levihan working together huh? Is that how competent Levi and Hange are as soldiers that Yams couldn’t let them work together just one last time? Like he knew it would mess with the story if he lets Levi and Hange lead at full power?

Which brings me to last point, and the point that makes me saddest.

9. About them being endgame?

Okay, so it wasn’t confirmed that Roy and Riza ended up together because Roy still had his fuhrer goals but AT LEAST THEY HAD A CHANCE? Like their last scene in the show was still them together? And Riza still at least got to follow him?

Levihan… They just… shit just happened and we all know what happened and now I’m reading fanfiction and crying over fcitoonal characters to pass the quarantine.

Anyway, if you reached this point, thank you for reading. And thank you for the question anon!

#levihan #meta #royai

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freebooter4ever · 2 years

Text

I called my grandma while i was on the hill today watching the sunset. We chit chatted for a while and then she brought up grandpa - and i'll always be honored that im one of the few she can talk to about this stuff - she doesn't like to discuss serious things but after going through grandpa's whole hospitalization and deterioration and the aftermath together mostly just her and i, i think she feels like she can be open with me.

I also havent changed my book of face photos since 2018 (my grandpa died dec 31 2017), i rarely go on the site anymore i set up insta so that it auto posts the main things, but yeah i cant bring myself to make my profile photo not grandpa and i when we 'snuck' the 63 mustang out of the garage and went on a cruise to mt rainier (Grandma definitely knew lol)(lucky for us we didnt have any issues or break down or run out of gas bc i dont know if she would have come rescued us haha). The 'cover photo' i put up to go along with this is a photo of them that started out as a joke - grandma is terrified of flying but grandpa's passion has always been flying/space. And its a photo of the two of them walking through a 70's era plane holding hands with the joke being that the only way we can get grandma on a plane is when it's parked in a museum.

Grandma told me tonight when she goes to the grocery store or out walking with my aunt, and she sees older couples who are just sort of existing near each other or walking at different speeds or whatever...that she remembers how she and grandpa would always hold hands. How grandpa would always come find her in a room if they were seperated for longer than an hr. Just that connection - really truly a couple. They never did anything without each other. And they actually enjoyed it. Grandma once told me that everything even the little day to day things were always exciting with grandpa, and that lasted for over 60 yrs of marriage.

Its a small miracle that grandma has lived this long without grandpa, i still feel like im waiting for the other shoe to drop. She seems happy, but there is something missing. I mailed her a bunch of photos i printed for her of them and the house and things - i was always taking photos of them and they would laugh at me because they didnt like having their photo taken at the time. And initially i sent printed photos to my aunt, hoping she would tell me which ones were the best and if grandma would like any. And of course grandma was visiting when my aunt got them, so i was immediately ratted out and grandma requested the photos for herself too.

There was one photo of grandpa and grandma on a 'christmas boat' in lake union - which was one of THE most magical christmas's i've ever had - just me, grandma, grandpa, my aunt and her family. And we had a heck of a time convincing grandma the boat was safe, but she relented and she enjoyed it because she got to sit inside and listen to a live choir. And that was where i took the photo, just them sitting in the very middle of this medium sized boat so grandma couldn't see out the windows, and grandpa was smiling. And grandma says this photo is now her favorite because there are so few photos of him smiling, and she apparently keeps the print framed by her bed and tells him good morning/goodnight every day.

The boat was actually one of the times i got the feeling that grandpa understood that his son was kind of falling down on the dad job - there were a lot of things grandpa stepped in for: he taught me how to drive, he was the one who came to my high school graduation, he was the one who heard all about my first career woes when i lost my job. My dad did a lot too, obviously, but grandpa understood how lonely i was during that time, how much work my dad and brother could be. Though i dont think it was till the year he died, when i spent more time with him living in their house, that grandpa realized my ambition and drive was equal to his own when he was my age.

I miss grandpa, both in that big abstract grief way. But also in the day to day silly way where i just miss being able to make him and grandma laugh - whether through my stories and antics while i was living with them for that year. Or before that largely through the photos and posts i would make for them to read (i lived in pittsburgh for 10 yrs, they were in seattle so i only saw them twice a year during my vacation days). (my grandma's current request is that i 'explain' my photos more nowadays, apparently lately my posts have been too vague and mysterious. She was REALLY confused about the cairn city dinosaurs and the photo i took of buster keaton's lamp)

The ghost feeling i got after grandpa's death is starting to lift. I still feel a little seperate from actual existence, and the pandemic certainly pushed me back into that unexpectedly, but i think despite the setback getting more of a 'normal' life will be easier this year. Yesterday was actually a good start - i met a bunch of people i dont think i was a complete social reject it was the first time ive done anything on the anniversary of grandpa's death and i only had a few moments during the night where i was worried i'd break down in tears. Overall decent.

One of the weirdest things, considering how quiet and simple my grandparents preferred life, is to think how even with grandpa gone. There is still a part of him - the biggest part of his intellect really - that will go on, maybe forever. And that's the lunar rover still out there on the moon. Only one part of his space contribution but a part that is physical and enduring.

#Journal shit

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dallonm-archive · 3 years

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REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS | UPDATE #1

Hello y’all! I refuse to believe it’s been 3 and a half months since I last made an update post for this novel because time is not real :) whoops! This has actually been sat in my drafts for like a month though

A rundown of things that happened:

We have a new title! I already went into the meta and possible interpretations (it’s ~ambiguous~), so if you want you can read about that HERE.

I did 3 weeks of Nano and wrote 15k words! On the site I recorded 15053 but I think it was more 15.5k? I’ve edited the original doc now so idk but I’m v happy with that!

After that I took a break and a lot of Life Things happened re a certain pandemic that is taking :) all my motivation :) so I didn’t return to drafting until January. I also really struggled to progress with the story and decided the best thing was to revisit what I already had and work on that

It’s not that the original chapters weren’t working, I was just trying to understand the story for the first time and also Nano was such a hazy blur and I’m 99% sure November didn’t happen. I probably won’t revisit a section this intensely again until I’ve finished the draft but at this stage it really helped because the more I worked on it, the more I understood where it had to go next - I know the structure (for now), the basics for the middle and how the story ends :) hehe :) and I don’t think I’d had those revelations (aha) without revisiting this first part. I got to fall in love with the story all over again and I’m very happy with where it’s going!

This intro is already getting so long so I’m just going to jump straight into it because this update is LONG. I’m talking about all the chapters today even though not all of them are new, but since I’ve learnt a lot about them and this is officially update #1 post-nano, it makes sense to talk about all of them! I’m also going to do a new taglist because I see this as a new set of updates also I am awful at keeping up with taglists so! I’m just tagging friends who have already expressed interest + mutuals who I’m like 99% sure want to stay on so! please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!

@kowlazovdi @isherwoodj @avi-burton-writing @pamsdrabbles @ryns-ramblings @kitblogsthings @svpphicwrites @aetherwrites @radiomacbeth @bijouxs @writerlywonders @haldimilks @alicewestwater @piyawrites @coffeeandcalligraphy @shaelinwrites

usual content warnings for religious trauma and cult discussion, specific CWs will come before excerpts!

So I’m currently working with four parts, and I’ve extended the timeline from one year to four years. This suits the story much better BUT pretty much everything here was written before that decision and I do not have the energy to restructure all of it right now :) Each part is split into two sections, one for each POV. So four parts, 8 sections, Felix and Dorothy get four sections each. I let the structure grow with the story but this one is working very well!

Also I started setting my pages to light green and it was LIFE CHANGING. Much kinder on the eyes and just looks so nice?? Calming?? This post is your sign to set your page colour to light green like LOOK

So we have a prologue now!! The story made a lot more sense once I added this because originally the information we learn was just shoehorned into Chapter 1 in a flashback when really we needed to know this information going into it. That being said I struggled with this for a bit just because to justify a prologue I need that information to be conveyed in a way that is completely unique to the rest of the narrative so I didn’t want to just write this as a flashback. I ended up writing it in 2nd person and it came out in a way where it’s not clear which twins POV it is? Like it’s more of a fusion of both of them where neither of them have their own individual identity beyond “the twins” yet. I can’t tell if this is my funky POV peak or a clarity nightmare but I like it! I want it to only be ~500 words so we can take the risk.

In this they’re fourteen and they do a “blood pact” as a way to symbolically cut themselves from their family (aka: their father) whilst they’re still tethered to it. I really love it because not only is it exactly what these slightly unhinged-but-havent-tapped-into-it-yet, co-dependent-and-dont-realise-it kids would do but it immediately brings up the question of family and what family actually is. I’ve also realised a huge idea in this story is the idea of the tangible and for them, the concept of family and blood isn’t tangible so they struggle to recognise its significance (not that it. has any for them in the first place.) but their relationship, seeing each other bleed and pressing the cuts together is. The writing itself is kinda wonky because of the whole funky clarity nightmare POV but here’s a little taste of the ending:

cw: blood

You’ll slink back into your family room to clean and plaster each other’s hands and you’ll ask yourselves: which bloodstains came from who? Who bled the most and who stopped first? Who will come up with the story for the cuts on your palms and who will dispose the bloodied towel? Who is Dorothy without Felix and who is Felix without Dorothy?

Shiny new first chapter! Originally this was in Dorothy’s POV but now it’s switched to Felix and instead of just showing their reunion (which turns out is....very anticlimactic and not appropriate for an opening lol??) we actually explore Felix’s thoughts an actions after he decides to escape the cult, which was a very impulsive decision and spans about a day and a half. This one is definitely gonna take a few drafts to get right because it’s such a delicate but intense event to write and I’m content with the fact that it’s not There Yet but the prose is! I had a lot of fun writing this chapter and it really helped me get back into the swing of loving this story. There’s something very delicate about it but also very troubling under the surface. The opening gave me a lot of trouble, but the first line hits!

The day Felix decides to leave the sun glows the same, and the pine trees breathe the same, and the chapel cross stabs the sky the same.

Ironically, a good chunk of the chapter happens outside the cult, as Felix decides to spend his final day taking Lola - a woman his age who is literally the only person he likes lmao - to one of the nearby towns. Whilst the main function of the chapter is to introduce the cult itself, it’s also to show how normalised leaving actually is - it’s just every time he’s left has been temporary, and every time he has left, he still feel separated from this “outside world”. They go to a candy store and a thrift store - where Felix lies about his mom (who he hasn’t seen in 20 years) being in hospital so he can use a phone :) Lola is a new character so I don’t have much to say on her, but all I can say is they are wlw and mlm solidarity but also she knows how to read him

“I don’t know why Dotty and I loved this place so much - we always got toothaches.”

“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”

“These apple ones are nice, but I think the lime is my favourite. Do you think the apple or the lime is nicer?”

“I think you’re leaving, but I also think you’re scared, so you’re pretending that I’m going to leave with you and that’s why you wanted to go to town. You chose the candy shop because this is where you went the first time you left, but this time you’re not coming back. Does that scare you, Fel?”

And here is my favourite paragraph in the whole chapter because <3 what the fuck <3 and if pine trees are a key Felix symbol no they aren’t 👁️ yes they are

cw: falling out a window? pushing yourself out a window? description of bones breaking

The day Felix decides the leave, when the clouds bleed amber, he pushes the scratched mahogany dresser so it lines with the windowsill, lies on top and hangs his head out. It’s never comfortable, but it’s always peaceful: sometimes cars murmur on nearby backroads, sometimes a wind chime flutters, sometimes brush rabbits rustle in shrubbery and they all breathe the same oxygen as him. He closes his eyes, inhales the pine air, and plays God: pushes himself further out, an inch at a time, until his shoulders cross the line and he wonders what bones would break if he fell. Would he break both arms or one, both legs or one? Would he break his spine? Which vertebra would crack, and how many? Would he feel them all in one big strike, or all the individual bones burst like popping candy? Evening breeze whispers against his face and he could do it right now, leap out the window and if he didn’t break his legs or back he could run to the bushes, to the pine trees, to the road, the town over East or West, the county line.

If Felix hit the ground, would it be because of a freak fall, or because he pushed himself out?

We have to laugh because I’m pretty sure I said in my Nano update that this chapter was the strongest so far besides one scene but when I looked back that scene <3 took up 80% of the fucking chapter <3 So I just said fuck it I’ll rewrite the whole thing for fun!!!! And I love it!!! It’s so jarring compared to Chapter One and that’s the point!! Everything is so over saturated and originally that was just to convey the absolute shock Felix gets from the Major Impulsive Life Decision He Just Made, but now I think it’s intentional on his part and it goes back to the idea of the tangible: whilst he didn’t grow up totally isolated this is still a new life for him, and he has nothing to latch onto, so he looks to his surroundings and hyper-focuses and latches onto it because it’s something that’s now tangible and accessible to him so he sees it in this very bright, romanticised way (the romanticisation of San Francisco is very amusing to me but it’s also very relevant). But even with that he still distances himself from this environment still - the same way he did whilst living in the cult. He has no idea how he wants to exist in this world and he doesn’t even know how to exist yet.

And so it became clockwork: eyes burst open at two, three, four in morning, doesn’t bother trying to fall back to sleep. Lurk into the kitchen, make a coffee or water or whiskey. Sit under the fritzing lightbulb with no shade, think about everything and nothing and everything and nothing. Or go for a smoke, inhale the vapours until it hurts his chest, breathe in the cool air until it hurts his teeth, wander around the block until it hurts his feet. Sneak back into a room that doesn’t belong to him in an apartment that doesn’t belong to him in a city that doesn’t belong to him. Count the bumps in the popcorn ceiling until footsteps sneak down the hall – Dorothy leaving a room that doesn’t belong to her. Join his sister back at the kitchen, she complains that they need to replace the lightbulb. Over pulpy orange juice and scrambled eggs on toast, she retells her dream and lists the possible meanings and he lists his plans for that day on how to immerse in the outside world, familiarise himself with the city until it belongs to him. Travel by trolley for the first time, eat seafood at the waterfront for the first time. Bump into a cherry-headed conure parrot by chance. Climb Twin Peaks and gaze at the new view of home. Trace the outline of translucent mountains in the air and pretend you’ll ever hike them; trace the outline of high rises in the air and pretend you know the people in them. He asks Dorothy when he’ll stop feeling like a tourist – she has no answer for him.

(context: Dorothy’s roommate, Jolie, is out of town at this point, so Dorothy tells Felix to take her room whilst she takes Jolie’s and they’ll sort it out later. Dorothy has no problem sleeping in Jolie’s bed because her and Jolie are Very Good Friends)

I also realised that, in the nicest way possible to November me, that this chapter was so damn boring because it’s very dialogue heavy but in every dialogue moment they are literally just 🧍 doing nothing. So I wrote a scene as a half-joke of Just Met Like Three Hours Ago Beau and Felix going to the arcade and it saved this chapter. It is SO fun but it also comes straight after this very emotionally intense moment and it’s really interesting to see that reach its zenith and then just. fizzle out but linger in the background? I love this scene but I also can’t take it too seriously because they play Frogger and @aetherwrites�� joked that the game’s a metaphor for Felix leaving the cult and I love her and hate her because she is so right I can picture the LIT1000 seminar where that analysis would be made unironically and it’d be ME who makes it and I am so close to just running with that for real. Also these two aren’t love at first sight but the chemistry is so loud like did you two meet today or have you been married for eight years and own five dogs together what’s the truth? Anyway here’s Felix murdering Beau on sight

“You know, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that good,” Beau says.

“It’s not that difficult, you could’ve warned me that you’d be that bad.”

Beau leans across to shuffle through cassette tapes in the glove compartment. “I’m not, you just got lucky. I let you win.”

“But it’s not even competitive. You just died seven times in a row.”

I’m a little unsure of the pacing for this chapter now because its effectiveness lies in the fact it takes place a week after the previous, and my job with this section post-draft is to stretch it out longer since it only spans three weeks. I’m hoping I can make it work where there’s little time between Chapter 1 & 2 but still cover more time in chapters 3-5 because I think that’d be jarring in the best way? Like the absolute intensity of that initial week quickly dissolving and suddenly he’s been living this life for months he didn’t notice go by. Again <3 a problem for post draft me <3

I don’t have much to say about this one because in Nano I didn’t even finish it, and now I have but it’s still <3 giving me trouble <3 - however I’ve realised this is probably the most important chapter at this stage of the novel because it’s the first full chapter with just the twins, trying to have a bonding moment and catch up but only learning that they a) love each other b) can’t stand each other whilst not realising just yet that they are c) extremely co-dependent. I like to call this novel multiple plot threads in a trench coat and that’s definitely it, the twins have their own individual plot threads separate to one another, but if there’s a central plot (and there kinda is?? its a surprise :) ) at its essence is them realising how fucked up their relationship is, but wanting to rectify that and trying to understand the difference between a tangled and toxic relationship.

This chapter introduces that each character has a key symbol that’s attached to the world somehow and Felix has chapters like these in his arc where he tries to navigate the state of their relationship (so there’s one later on titled “Ocean (Beau)”) and his associations with them. We have to laugh here because I was really like “oh Dorothy is sapphic so I’ll make her obsessed with the moon” but then it became a major symbol in the story <3 Dorothy IS obsessed with the moon, and Felix is frustrated because he can’t see it the way she does and he feels like part of him is missing because of that, when it’s just a different perspective but nooo these two need to have unhealthy co-dependency and then get mad when they’re unhealthily co-dependent on each other :/ Anyway I’d just like to talk about how Felix’s need to be like his sister in this chapter is demonstrated through a symbol that’s attached way more to her than it is to him even though in the prose he describes the moon as this fragile, breakable thing which is the complete opposite as how Dorothy would and lets talk about the blade mirroring the prologue!!!!

He closed an eye and pointed the blade at the moon. If he could, it’d be so easy: surgeons precision, swift wrist flick, carved and plucked from the sky. Laid out on his palm like tissue paper, half translucent and as breakable as skin - a birthday present for Dorothy, if he doesn’t tear it. He’ll try not to, but it’d be so easy.

In further development of the Moon Imagery, I’ve started using a lot of Star Imagery with Felix and a lot of general space imagery in both of their POVs and I’m delighted to say I have no idea what the meta means with that but I like it!! It fits the story very well and they’re probably mirroring each other or something!

This little chapter taught me that I need to be flexible with form <3 this was originally meant to be the final scene of the last chapter, and I was so hyped because it was one of the first scenes I conceptualised, but then it ~sucked~. However I didn’t realise until recently that it sucked because I was writing it in a traditional storytelling form - which most of this book benefits from, but this moment certainly does! not! I’m really glad because I think this book is the perfect playground for experimental form - although here it’s relatively simple though, most of the setup for this happens at the end of the previous chapter and then this is just all the information condensed as much as possible. This chapter is focused on memories so it really works for it to be cut off from the previous which is in the fictive present, and Felix’s perception of memories right now are ~a little jarring~

The final scene of Moon (Dotty) depicts Felix and Dorothy breaking into a park at 4am, promptly having an argument that results in Dorothy leaving, and Felix sat next to a fountain picking pennies out of it and trying to associate a memory with the year on the back - this chapter is those memories and this introduces the fluid relationship characters have with their past. For Felix, he’s seeing the last 20+ years from a bird eyes view in a very sporadic way and it’s starting to sink in that those 20+ years actually Happened. Some of the memories are very distanced, others are as intense as flashbacks, and some are a mixture of the two. This one is very interesting to me because he completely separates himself from the memory halfway through Fel do you wanna talk about this (unfortunately I cannot drop the name because of plot <3)

cw: light/implied homophobia

IN GOD WE TRUST / 1978

The first time Felix held a boys hand was in 1978 in the back pew at morning service. It was the first time [redacted]’s father preached and they got stuck in the back because they arrived late, because they laid in the grass together, wearing each other’s identical pecan coloured blazers as sunrise peeled back the night, and they slunk into the back of service like ghosts everyone could see and maybe they knew why they were late. [Redacted]’s father had a razor voice and he made sure every word sliced into his son and his son interlocked fingers with the boy next to him. His son didn’t look at the boy he held hands with the same way he’ll pretend his blazer is his and not the boys and the same way he didn’t look at the boy the first time they kissed behind the chapel building and the same way he didn’t look at the boy during Bible study for the week after.

Whilst I’d say in Chapter 2 the chemistry between Beau and Felix is as clear as day this is the first instance where Felix’s queerness is explicitly introduced and I’m taking this chance to say this book gets more queer every fucking week. Like I think in the last updates I was like ohhh sexuality doesn’t play much into Felix’s arc and know it’s like 99% of his damn arc and we LOVE it. But at this point he doesn’t realise like when I tell you guys this man is so repressed

I am literally only putting this here because I talk about all the other chapters and it’s weird to me to leave one out. Also because the graphic and title is pretty. Not gonna lie I love making these posts and that is 10% to ramble about meta 90% making pretty graphics that is literally just cropping photos on Unsplash and putting Garamond text over them <3

Anyway this was originally Lessons in Holy and when I revisited that chapter I realised it was so fucking messy and I tried to fix it but it didn’t really work and I’ve been scared to touch it since. However the meta is top notch so here we are - it mirrors Chapter One, Everything Holy, which explores Felix’s decision to leave the cult and with that, leave God. Everything Holy / In San Francisco explores his relationship (or lack thereof) with God and how much Felix’s life has changed since he left - and how “holy” it is. It definitely goes back to the idea of the tangible because the holiness preached to him growing up was not something tangible to him, whereas with this he looks at real life experiences, so he tries to find holiness in that. It also ties with Cyan City and the romanticisation of San Francisco as something tangible and something he can find holiness in, which a) he needs to learn that things don’t have to be “holy” to be valuable and b) it would be a shame if :) he centred everything good about his life around SF and then :) something bad were to happen whilst living in SF :) the way he and Dorothy both do this

My plan for this is basically: Condense The Shit Out Of It. The hardest part about this chapter is it is very thematic and you know as a lit major (derogatory) I love that but with more theme centric chapters the line between subtle and Too Much can be verrryyy thin, but I think focusing on character exploration over theme will fix that pretty easily. I’d also like to separate the Isaias introduction into its own chapter because it’s such an important moment and November me just? Latched it on at the end? And that plus Felix’s crisis in the same chapter is just too much. This chapter is gonna get changed A Lot but for now here’s Felix’s very chill and relaxed ending to his POV section :)

cw: drowning, drug mention

Felix didn’t speak to God for three weeks and everything unholy became holy: the coffee scorching his throat, the kaleidoscopic t-shirts and high waisted jeans, the punk rock they play at the record store – loud and electric. It’s unholy, but he sleeps through the night now, he folds coloured card into butterflies at breakfast and scribbles biro eyes over the newspaper's sudoku on his lunch break. He earns money and he spends a pinch of it on himself: on new wave records and playing cards and earrings he can’t wear yet. Sometimes he buys marijuana it’s not a sin because marijuana means he only smokes tobacco twice a day now – one at breakfast, one before bed. He bar hops with Beau on Saturdays and hikes with Dorothy on Sundays and he tells strangers he studies American Literature and he smiles with his eyes more and nobody notices that somebody’s holding his head underwater. And he doesn’t know whose hand it is, but it knows how to grip tight. And he doesn’t know how to swim, but he knows how to swallow water. And he doesn’t know if this is the punishment or the sin because the water stings his eyes but he chooses to keep them open, and the water will tangle in his lungs but he chooses to keep his mouth open. And hellfire can’t touch him under here, so he’ll keep swallowing water and it’ll burn him in a different way, and he’ll like how it scorches his throat.

(Once again context I didn’t share because I don’t like the writing that talks about it: Felix has a deep fear of drowning from past trauma, but he’s also very obsessive about it and often imagines himself drowning.)

(also the way these excerpts are just showing off my love for repetition my Intro to Creative Writing Tutor that called repetition lazy is seething rn!!!!)

Overall though, I’m v happy with how this section came out now that I actually know what the story is! As I’ve finished drafting it, I have noticed where the missing plot beats are and this is what I expected because I Do Not have a lot of experience with novels (I’ve never passed 15k on a novel before so we’re in new territory now) and generally struggle to see beats before I finish a draft. I’m thinking there’s at least one chapter missing and maybe a shorter one, like MSATBOTF, but I won’t be touching this section again until I finish the draft. Most of all I learnt a lot about the story’s form and I’m excited to play with that and be a bit more flexible!

I’m currently drafting Indigo, the first chapter in Dorothy’s POV, and I was going to talk more about it but this post is too long and the next update will be <3 all about her <3. But the chapter introduces her and Jolie’s tumultuous relationship and here’s a lil peak!

Me, a sapphic, capable of writing happy sapphic relationships:

Me instead:

cw: light/implied homophobia

If she didn’t display the ticket on the bedside table - like she had something to prove - she could have easily been in Dallas, in New York, London, Cannes, Moscow, Tokyo, Cairo, Sydney. But wherever she went, Dorothy and Jolie have had four airport reunions before today - four times they’ve had to soften themselves, disguise themselves. Old high school friend flying in to be her maid of honour, college roommates who don’t see each other as a day past eighteen, pen pals reuniting for the first time since the seventies, business trip colleagues in casualwear. The fifth time, there’s nothing to hide, and as they walk to the car, Dorothy has to wonder: if they were seen by nobody, would Jolie have hugged her with both arms? Would she have kissed her? Would Dorothy kiss back?

I’m midway through this chapter, so I’ll keep the rest of it for the next update! That I promise won’t be in three months!

If you read through all of this then I am in love with you <3

#i'd say im sorry this is so long but it was so fun to write so i'm not!#also pls be proud i cut 2k words from this bc i RAMBLED #atlastracking #writeblr #writing update #revelations revelations

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