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#i need to actually sleep today :')
miusato · 23 days
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Lmao so I finally done drawing a lineup of P3 cast in my Highschool AU. Call them wokesona or something ahskskskskasosk
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tei-to-tei · 5 months
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December 14 - Spare Time
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | ...
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moeblob · 4 months
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okay, this is a halfway to 7k unedited fantasy au snippet! Out Of Context as usual!
some warnings for this one: blood, gore, major character injury, graphic description of injury <3 i had fun w/ it not sorry <3
~
The front door slams open, stalling all conversation inside. A flash of lightning illuminates the two forms huddled in the doorway, one considerably larger than the other.
Barnaby staggers a half-step inside, dripping water all over the floor. That alone has Howdy putting down the glass and moving across the bar to better assess the situation. Eddie is struggling to support Barnaby’s listing weight, and both of them are clutching at Barnaby’s belly. They’re both soaked through.
Someone gasps, and the folks seated nearest to the door stand and back away, muttering in alarm. Howdy’s stomach plummets. Some of the water puddling on the floor is too dark to be just that. Barnaby’s front, under where his massive paw is clutched, is drenched dark as well. 
Eddie catches his eye - he looks wild with fear. 
“Out!” Howdy thunders. “Everyone out! I don’t care about your tabs or if you’re not done - if you have a room, go there, if you don’t, scram!”
Some people cast him and Eddie dirty looks, but they start to get up, grumbling all the while. Howdy couldn’t care less. Not when Barnaby is leaning so heavily on Eddie, his breathing so labored that Howdy can hear it amidst the shuffle and scrape of patrons leaving.
“What happened?” Julie yells, running across the room from the neighborhood booth. 
“Make sure everyone gets out,” Howdy says, redirecting her. Julie doesn’t look happy about it, but she complies. The patrons start to clear out faster with her aggressive ‘assistance’. Howdy throws his drying towel off to the side and nearly vaults over the bar to help support Barnaby. He reaches to sling Barnaby’s other arm over his shoulders-
“Don’t!” Eddie cries. He doesn’t let go from the wound, and Barnaby cringes away from Howdy with a breathy echo - “Don’t.”
“Why not?” Howdy says, panic rising in his throat. He looks closer at the wound Barnaby and Eddie are holding - this time he has to swallow down bile. Glistening, blood-slicked pink pulses under their hands. Barnaby whines softly. He’s terribly pale under his fur.
“Everyone’s gone!” Julie announces. 
Howdy snaps out of his horrified trance. He points at the bar. “Clear a spot on the floor for him on the floor, make sure we have room to work.��
Julie makes a frustrated noise but complies once again. Howdy slips around to Eddie’s side and trades places with him, but Eddie doesn’t let go of the wound. The sudden weight makes Howdy stumble, but he quickly widens his stance and starts shuffling them to the area Julie is clearing. They help Barnaby lower to the ground, and every pained whine and gasp is like an arrow to the heart. Eddie whispers apologies all the way down. Barnaby’s free paw leaves scratches in the bar’s cherry wood.
“Ed, I need you to get my supplies from my room,” Howdy says, rolling up his sleeves with quick, expert flicks.
Eddie looks at him like he’s crazy. “I can’t let go!” 
“I’m here to take your place - four arms are better than two, now get!” 
Eddie still hesitates, but slips away once Howdy puts all four of his hands where Eddie’s measly two were. It’s hot, and wet, and - and -
It becomes immediately clear that this is a wound they can’t fix, not without an extraordinarily talented healer. 
“Julie,” Howdy chokes out, “get Poppy.”
“Okay,” Julie says faintly, right behind him. She slowly backs away, and all at once sprints for the front door. A burst of fresh, rain-filled air blows inside before the door closes again. The cold shock makes Barnaby flinch and gasp. 
“Hold on, Barn.” Howdy forces himself to look at Barnaby’s face instead of the pulsing guts bulging from the gash someone sliced across his belly. The soaked fur under and around it looks purple. “Help will be here in a jiff, so don’t you go falling asleep on me.”
“Tryin’,” Barnaby wheezes, and his voice has never sounded so much like music, “tryin’ not to. It’s - stars, it hurts, Howdy-”
“I know, but you gotta hang in there, pal. Poppy will fix you right up.”
“I…” Barnaby makes a wretched noise that sounds like a sob, “I don’t wanna die.” He whines, a leg weakly kicking out as his guts twitch. “M’ not ready, Howds, m’ not…”
“You’re not going to die,” Howdy insists even as Barnaby’s blood soaks his hands and sleeves. 
He doesn’t want Barnaby to die, either, but who knows where Poppy is - there’s no guarantee that she’s home, and even if she is, her abode is clear across town. Julie is a fast runner, but in this weather… with such a distance…
Barnaby is going to die. 
Howdy will do his damned best to keep that from happening. 
Clattering precedes Eddie sprinting around the corner. He checks the bar hard, but doesn’t fall or flinch. He takes the hit and slides to his knees by Barnaby’s side and opens the pack. Howdy almost reaches out to rummage through it himself, but Barnaby’s paw starts to slip from the wound. 
“No no, none of that.” Howdy nudges it back into place with his knee and tries to jostle Barnaby with the same motion. “Eyes open and paw up, Barn.”
“Tryin’,” Barnaby whispers. His eyelids flutter in a vain attempt to stay open. His breathing rattles.
Howdy doesn’t need to tell Eddie what to look for, and thank the heavens for that, because Howdy doesn’t think he can look away from Barnaby’s pained features, much less form words that aren’t incoherent prayers to any god that will listen. Barnaby’s paw slips, and Howdy has to lunge to keep his insides from becoming his outsides. Just his hands aren’t enough - he needs to use his forearms. There’s so much of it. 
Eddie scoots forward and holds up a potion, and Howdy nearly howls in anguish. “Not that one! The healing potions - the red ones!”
“I know that!” Eddie snaps just as viciously, which is enough of a shock that Barnaby gains a moment of startled clarity. Eddie uses it to coax him to drink the golden energy potion. “I have some healin’ powers of my own - I can buy him more time than your bruise busters, and you’re fresh out of those, anyway!”
Out?
Howdy stares at his pack in horror. That’s right. He hasn’t restocked - oh, he’s a fool! He allowed himself to grow complacent and reliant on Eddie and Poppy’s healing. He has no time to thoroughly curse his inaction, as Barnaby’s paw comes back up to the wound, and his back arches as he wails his agony. The potion kicked in. Eddie quickly shoves his paw away again and holds his hands to the corner of the gash, his palms glowing orange.
“Oh, oh no,” Barnaby sobs, his boots and claws scraping wood, “Ed, stop-!”
“I’m sorry,” is all Eddie says. He shoves Barnaby’s paw aside when he tries to pry Eddie away. Barnaby grabs for the nearest thing with his other paw, which happens to be Howdy’s thigh. Howdy bites back a pained hiss at the feeling of claws digging sharp through his pants. The cold water saturating Barnaby’s paw soaks the fabric in seconds, creating a contrast to the pinpricks of hot welling up under the claws.
Howdy eyes the healing glow and the strain on Eddie’s face. It won’t be enough - Howdy doubts it will give Barnaby any time at all. The thin corner of the gash slowly knits together, but the rest of it is too wide, too deep. The only reason Eddie can heal any of it at all is due to how clean the slice is. The blade that created this wound must have been freshly sharpened, or enchanted. Howdy can tell at a glance that it cut through Barnaby like a knife through marmalade. 
Eddie heals the other tapered end. He and Howdy exchange a glance - Howdy sees it in his eyes that the healing is just a platitude. Blood continues to soak Barnaby’s pants, Howdy’s, their hands, Howdy’s clothes, the floor. 
Abruptly, Howdy is keenly aware of how quiet the tavern is. Rain drums on the roof and thunder rolls outside. The fireplace crackles. How long will it take to scrub the blood out of the wood flooring? How long will Howdy spend staring at the scratches etched into the bar?  
“How- Howdy,” Barnaby says. He isn’t gripping Howdy’s leg as hard anymore, but he gives it a weak squeeze. “Gotta tell ya - hng - somethin’. Shoulda… told ya sooner, but-”
“Save it for later,” Howdy says quickly. “You can gab all you want when you’re better.”
There likely won’t be a later, or better, and that’s half the problem. Call Howdy selfish, but he won’t let Barnaby make this hurt more than it already does. More than it will. He would rather live with a might’a than a could’a.
Barnaby knows it, because his eyes mist up and he nods weakly. “Yeah. When I’m… when I’m better. Can I ask a fa-favor?”
“Anythin’,” Eddie murmurs. Howdy had forgotten he’s there.
“Find Wally for me?”
Eddie lays a bloody hand on Barnaby’s arm, steely determination flashing in his eyes. “We will. I swear it on my patron’s light.”
“That’s a…” Barnaby pauses to grimace and swallow thickly, “a big promise, Ed.”
“I’ll make sure he keeps it,” Howdy says.
“M’ sure you will. But, but… if Wally really is gone… hey, I’ll say hi to ‘em for ya.” Barnaby manages a shaky half-smile. “At least that’d be one - one good thing ta’ come outta this, huh?”
Howdy’s composure cracks. He chokes down sobs as he slumps over Barnaby, uncaring of the awkward position or the insides sandwiched against his front, drenching his apron and shirt with blood. He hides his tears in Barnaby’s cold, waterlogged ear. Barnaby uses what little strength he has left to turn his head, weakly nuzzling the side of Howdy’s face. His breath is warm. Weak, but warm.
Distantly, Howdy hears Eddie curse and ask “Where are they?” The clink of his armor fades, and the door opens just enough to let in the scent of rain. Howdy hears more than feels Barnaby breathe it in. As close as they are, Howdy can hear the wet rattle in Barnaby’s chest.
Should Howdy do something to make him more comfortable? Would Barnaby’s herbs ease his pain? Even if it would, if anything would, Howdy can’t let go. That would hurt him more, and Howdy refuses to give up that tiny sliver of hope that something can be done. 
The door slams open to let in a thunder of footsteps. Howdy snaps upright, and he’s certain that if he didn’t have a job to do, he’d collapse. 
“Oh dear, oh-” Poppy squawks loud enough to make everyone cringe, her feathers fluffing up. “My feathers, that’s! Oh! That is much worse than what you told me!”
“One can hardly fault her,” Sally says before Julie can respond. She kneels by Howdy with Poppy right behind her. “Are you with us, Barnaby?”
No response. 
Howdy goes cold. “Barn?”
Sally briskly taps Barnaby’s cheek until he twitches, his eyelids barely lifting before falling shut once more. “Still with us!”
If Howdy wasn’t already crying, he’d start now.
“Can you fix it?” Eddie asks from off to the side.
Julie paces anxiously. “Of course she can! Poppy’s the best healer for miles, there’s nothing she can’t do. Right, Poppy? He’ll be up and joking in no time!”
“I.” Poppy’s feathers shake as she dances them over the open wound. “I will most certainly try, but I can’t do it on my own. It’s too severe for my magic to do much of anything. Sally, dear-”
“No,” Sally says immediately, her glow dimming. “You cannot be serious, I won’t - I simply will not-”
“You must. We all need to work together - Howdy and Eddie need to hold the wound shut. It won’t just be you.”
“We need to what now?” Eddie says, even as he settles on Howdy’s other side. “What’s going on?”
Howdy feels sick. “You and I have to make sure his insides stay inside, while Sally will-”
“Sally won’t,” Sally says. “As much of a nuisance as he likes to make himself, Barnaby is my friend! I could never-”
“Then you’re alright with losing him!”” Howdy snarls. “Perhaps you’d like to trade places with me and feel him die under your hands instead!”
Sally gapes at him, stricken. Her mouth flaps for a moment before she shuts it firmly and turns to the wound, lifting her hands. 
“What does she have to do?” Julie asks.
Everyone ignores her - not out of unkindness. Poppy nods to Eddie and Howdy. Eddie places his hands in the spaces where Howdy can’t completely reach. They exchange a glance and push.
There was a time when Howdy received an overpacked shipment of linked sausages. He had no room to store it yet, but the sack it arrived in tore. Shoving them back in - even with all four of his hands - was nigh impossible. It was impressive how the sausages had managed to fit at all, because the sack was certainly too small. 
Shoving Barnaby’s guts back into his stomach is a lot like that.
Barnaby cringes and moans in his nearly-unconscious state, feebly trying to get away from what is certainly agonizing pain. His brow bunches up, and he whines high in his throat. 
Howdy can’t spare a thought to it. Blood and organs squelch as Howdy and Eddie rush to cram it all inside - there’s no time for caution. As soon as the last slip of pink is inside - it’s so, so dark and red past the blue - they squeeze the wound shut to the best of their abilities. Barnaby sobs quietly.
“Now,” Poppy says, and Sally’s palms burn hot enough to make Howdy’s skin itch.
She holds her hands to the sealed gash, and Barnaby starts wailing. Too weak to thrash, he just writhes softly and keens, tears freely spilling down his face and carving dark tracks in his drying fur. His paw twitches around Howdy’s leg, claws digging in again like he wants to grab or yank or something.
“Almost there, Barn,” Howdy lies. Part of him wishes Barnaby would fall fully into unconsciousness. It would be dangerous, but at least he wouldn’t feel this. 
The acrid stench of burning fur and flesh fills Howdy’s nose. Sally and Eddie both gag. Heels rapidly click across the tavern as Julie sprints to the nearest waste bin, and she retches loudly into it. Howdy barely registers it - he’s barely breathing, himself. 
“Well done, all of you,” Poppy murmurs as Sally cauterizes. She holds her wingtips to the cooked flesh of the wound as Sally continues, and they glow coal red. The wound glows with it, the angry blistered flesh smooths and pales, and blue fur starts to grow back before their eyes. 
Barnaby’s paw falls from Howdy’s leg as he starts to slump, cries petering off into agonized whines. Poppy doesn’t seem alarmed, and Howdy just wants his pain to stop, so no one moves to keep him awake.
Soon, Sally has to shuffle in front of Howdy and Eddie to continue. They’re loath to move, so she awkwardly lies across their laps and reaches. As soon as she burns her way to the end that Eddie healed, Poppy gives them the all-clear. 
Eddie lets go first, slumping back on his heels. Sally is still draped across Howdy’s lap with her head pillowed on Eddie’s. The three of them catch their breath as they watch Poppy brush her healing feathers across Barnaby’s stomach. Julie staggers over to them and kneels next to Eddie. She leans against him, sniffling. Howdy doesn’t have it in him to protest when Eddie not only loops an arm around her shoulders, but around Howdy’s waist as well.
Barnaby is finally unconscious, his features slack  - Howdy places a hand on his chest to make sure, and the shallow rise and fall of it is more priceless than all the coin in the world. Howdy slowly sits. His hand trails down as Poppy pulls her wings back, and his fingertips dance on the silvery smooth line of a fresh scar. 
“I’ve done all I can,” Poppy says with a gusty sigh. “So have the rest of you - again, well done. You all did splendidly.”
“I don’t feel splendid,” Sally croaks.  
“Well… you are. Quite splendid. Let’s get him up and to a bed.” Poppy’s first attempt at standing fails. Sally all but leaps up to help support her, and she laughs nervously. “I’m afraid that took quite a bit out of me. There was more to heal than I expected, dear me.”
“Will he be okay?” Julie asks. 
Poppy looks at Barnaby with a soft, sad look in her eyes. “I can’t say for certain. It’s up to Barnaby, now… all we can do is make sure he’s comfortable. A-and keep a close eye on him! There could be, ah… complications. Infections, and the like. Mh, I’m sure it won’t come to that, though. Sally’s fire should have burned out anything nasty.”
Howdy belatedly realizes that he needs to help carry Barnaby. He kneels on shaky legs and gently maneuvers Barnaby’s dead wei- unconscious weight to the side. Howdy slips his upper arms under Barnaby’s, using his lower set to help support his back. Eddie takes one side, Sally and Julie take the other. Poppy does her best to help, but she can only lift Barnaby’s unbloodied leg with her beak. 
They shuffle their way to a ground floor room. There’s plenty, but Howdy once again chooses to be selfish and brings them to one near to his own. Near is subjective - Howdy lives on the second floor, but the staircase to his private suite is as close to Barnaby’s temporary room as it can get. Barnaby will be sleeping right below Howdy. If anything happens, he’ll hear.
They get Barnaby onto the bed, and all of them breathe sighs of relief - and mild pain, in Eddie’s case as he stretches his back. Poppy asks for Julie to stay and assist her with getting Barnaby adjusted. 
Howdy doesn’t wait for a dismissal. He stumbles his way out of the room with Sally and Eddie in tow, his heart jackrabbiting. It feels like he grabbed hot coals, or swallowed a bolt of lightning. He’s shaky and ill and he just held Barnaby’s intestines in his hands.
Howdy leans over the bar and blindly grabs a bottle from underneath it. He uncorks it with his mouth, spits the cork to the side, and starts chugging. The alcohol burns as it goes down. It’s cheap, bitter, and easy to focus on. He comes up for breath with a small gasp and coughs, wincing at the aftertaste.
Cleaning supplies clatter as Eddie brings them out of the supply closet - Howdy wasn’t aware he knew where that was. It’s just a bucket of water and a scrubber. Not that he’ll do much good. He’s still caked in blood and mud. Dishes clink as Sally cleans up the ample messes that the patrons left behind. Howdy takes another swig and stares blankly at the shelf behind the bar.
The blank eyes of the Wally-puppet stare back at him. At least the real Wally wasn’t here to see that. Howdy doesn’t know what he would have done, or how he would have reacted… best not to imagine. In any case, Howdy hopes that by the time they find Wally, this whole experience will be nothing but another story. 
Howdy goes to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand - oh. Right. It’s still covered in blood. All four of them are. The blood glistens when Howdy holds out his hands. It’s warm and tacky, clinging to his fingers like sap as he spreads them. 
It’s Barnaby’s blood. 
These hands were inside of Barnaby’s gutted stomach, and Howdy can still feel the sickening heat and the way it all pulsed and twitched and-
Howdy copies Julie’s example and vomits into the nearest acceptable receptacle. The alcohol tastes better going the other way, even if it burns worse. 
Once the dry heaving stops, Howdy sinks to the ground, shaking with silent sobs. His legs curl up and he presses the heels of his upper hands to his forehead, hugging himself with his lower arms. The crimson-soaked fabric of his shirt squishes and sticks to his skin.
Everything Sally carries rattles, and every few minutes something falls. Chipped cups, shattered plates, clattering platters. After each breakage, she picks up the shards and keeps clearing the tables. The constant swish, swish, swish of scrubber bristles on wood fill the silence between rattling dishware and rolls of thunder. Eddie scrubs at the one spot on the floor, where Barnaby sat. The water he pours and scrubs quickly turns pink, then red. 
The door opens, letting in yet another gust of air. It slowly closes, and Frank’s shrill voice cries out, “What in the heavens happened in here?”
Anger rises sharply in Howdy’s gut - and vanishes as soon as it came. There’s no use in being mad at Frank - they didn’t explicitly go with Eddie and Barnaby on their day trip. He was gathering information. There was no way he could have known what would happen. 
Frank belatedly notices the thick trail of blood on the floor, and sidesteps it before rushing to Eddie. “Is everyone okay? Who’s hurt? That’s not your blood, is it-”
“It’s not mine,” Eddie says, not looking away from his task. Swish, swish, swish. When Frank reaches for him, he waves them off. “Stay back, it’s a mess. I’ll take care of it - I’m taking care of it.”
He isn’t taking care of it.
Frank takes a step back, his eyes wide enough that Howdy can see the whites of them clear across the tavern. Frank looks over the trail of blood, the puddle, bootprints, the smeared handprints, and the sheer amount coating not only Eddie, but Howdy too. Sally doesn’t make a move to acknowledge Frank as she stacks wood platters and ceramic plates. More blood stains her from where she kneeled in it, and laid across Howdy and Eddie. 
A scraaaaape precedes Julie backing into the tavern proper with a large tub of steaming water. Howdy makes a desperate sound and scrambles over to it. He thrusts his arms into the water and scrubs furiously at his skin and sleeves, ignoring the burn of the slightly too-hot temperature. Julie’s stare sears into him for only a moment before she takes a shuddering breath and steps out of the splash zone. 
“Frank!” she says a touch too loudly, oozing false cheer. “You’re back! Did you find anything?”
“Did I - what does that matter! Julie, what’s going on?”
“Oh, Barnaby got a little hurt, but he’s resting now.”
Frank incredulously gestures to the tavern’s general state. “A little hurt?”
“Barnaby’s fine now,” Julie reiterates. “Poppy is taking care of him.”
“How did - why did - what -”
Howdy slowly stops scrubbing. His skin feels raw under his fuzz as he stands, water sluicing from his arms. He unties his apron as he returns to the bar and tosses it over a stool. He sits on the one next to it and snatches the open bottle of - whatever it is. It’s alcohol. That’s what matters. He rests his head in his hands between acrid swigs. 
“Everything is okay! Poppy is the best healer around, it’s nothing she can’t handle,” Julie chirps. No one calls her out on the proven lie. She starts collecting straggling dishes alongside Sally. “We’re just helping Howdy clean up.”
In his periphery, Howdy catches Frank side-eyeing him. He chugs from the bottle for a moment and slams it back down, if only to make a point. Frank is the only one to jolt at the sharp bang.
Frank slowly crouches by Eddie, frowning deeper than normal. He mutters something too quiet for Howdy to hear from the other end of the bar. Eddie says something back - Frank lays a hand on his shoulder, and Howdy scowls miserably into his drink. His thigh itches.
Swish, swish- the scrubber finally stills. Eddie shoots to his feet, his armor clattering loudly, and he steadies himself against the counter as his other hand flies to his forehead. “Oh no. Oh, no…”
Everyone stills, and the tension in the room thickens palpably. 
“What is it?” Frank asks.
Eddie looks at Howdy with horror in his eyes. “We lost Wormie. Barn dropped his hat when we were ambushed - there was no time to stop. We couldn’t…”
“Show me,” Howdy says, leaping off of his stool and charging for the door. Eddie follows hot on his heels.
The rain is freezing. It soaks Howdy through to the bone as soon as he steps out from under the tavern awning.
Howdy doesn’t dare go back to get a coat, even if all he has on are his thin work clothes. The cold nearly knocks the breath out of him, but he focuses on the alcohol warm in his stomach and plunges into the storm. He slows just enough to let Eddie - and, apparently, Sally - pass him. She carves a way through the pitch black night.
Mud saturates Howdy’s boots and the cuffs of his pants. It sticks unpleasantly to his skin and only worsens the chill as they run past dark buildings. Few windows glow orange, proving how late it’s gotten. There’s no way of knowing how long it’s been since Barnaby was injured. Even with Sally,’s light, it’s going to be impossible to find Wormie in this weather.
Howdy’s eyes burn as they leave the town’s muddy streets and plunge into the terribly dark forest. What if they don’t find her? The thought is almost too much to bear. Howdy doesn’t think he could face Barnaby when - if - he wakes up. They’ve already lost Wally, and that alone has had Barnaby in shambles. But if they lost his beloved little worm, too? 
It feels like they run through the woods for hours. Eddie keeps slipping and tripping, but manages to keep his legs under him. Howdy’s mind whirls with what-ifs and maybes and hows and whys. Eddie and Barnaby were ambushed so far away - why did they come to Howdy’s tavern instead of going right to Poppy’s? How horrible was it to go all the way into town in that state, in this weather? What if Wormie drowned, or was trampled, frozen, taken -
“I think it was here,” Eddie shouts over the thunder and rain. A flash of lightning illuminates the ground through the waving treetops. 
“You think?” Sally says. Howdy wishes he had said it first - now is not the time for Eddie’s navigational dysfunction! 
“I don’t know, Sally! I wasn’t really paying attention on account of keepin’ Barn’s insides from spillin’ everywhere!” Eddie doesn’t say it to be cruel, Howdy knows.
It doesn’t stop him from feeling unsteady all over again, or stop Sally’s glow from dimming. He glances around like he expects to see more blood, though even if this is the correct area, the rain has washed any evidence away. Howdy turns in a circle, tangling his upper hands in his hair. 
There’s no way of knowing. There’s no way of finding such a tiny, sweet little creature- lightning flashes, catching on leather outside of Sally’s glow.
Howdy lunges for the hat, uncaring of how his knees sink deep into frigid mud as he snatches it up. The hat is grimy, but undamaged. Even Ms. Beagle’s feather is intact. But when Howdy turns it over, his heart sinks.
Nothing inside.
Nothing on the ground around it either, even when he digs through the mud to make sure. Eddie hesitantly touches Howdy’s shoulder, and Sally’s warm glow envelops his back. 
“I’m sorry,” Eddie says. He sniffles. “I should’ve grabbed her. I should’ve-”
“You prioritized our bard,” Sally says. “We can’t fault you for that.”
They can’t. Howdy… Howdy wants to, but he can’t find it in himself. He’s cold, he’s tired, he wants to go make sure Barnaby is being taken care of. He looks around a final time, blinking against the rainwater pouring over his eyes.
Nothing but muddy soil, bushes, trees, darkness. 
Howdy clutches the hat to his chest and stands, stumbling slightly. His friends steady him, and his face pinches. He shouldn’t have drank so much at once. It’s finally getting to him, and soon he’ll be of no use at all. He can already feel the faint buzz in his head.
“We’ll come back in the morning,” Sally promises, tugging gently on his lower arm.
Howdy makes a pained noise. She won’t make it to morning. It’s too cold, she’s too small. All they’ll find is her little frozen body. 
“Hold on.” Eddie holds out an arm to stop them. “Can you hear that?”
“It’s impossible to hear anything over this storm,” Sally says. 
“No, no… I’m sure I heard something. It was a - a little, it was a little…”
Peep.
Howdy’s waterlogged antennae snap upright, and he whips around to stare at a nearby tree. A past storm must have nearly blown it over, as half of the base seems uprooted. Gnarled roots arc and tangle out of the ground. Howdy falls to his knees in front of the dark hole under the trunk. 
Another peep comes from inside.
“Sal, I need your light,” Howdy says, fumbling for her. Her golden glow fills the space, and he nearly sobs. 
Wormie squints up at them, curled into a tiny ball and shaking like the wet leaves she lies on. Mud covers her colors - if her eyes weren’t open, one could mistake her for a twig. Her harness blends into the rest of her. She peeps again. 
“Hey, gal,” Howdy murmurs, reaching into the shelter. Her antennae make a feeble attempt at raising, and she stretches her neck out towards his fingers. He slips them underneath her and lifts her out, making sure to shield her from the rain with his body. 
“Thank the stars,” Eddie says wetly. “For a moment there I thought we lost her.”
Howdy curls his fingers around Wormie, his heart breaking at how violently she shakes. 
“Should I take her? She must be freezing, the poor thing” Sally says, holding out a hand. Howdy holds her out, and Wormie lifts her head as Sally’s warm glow washes over her. She blinks at the offered trade, then drops her head and nestles into Howdy’s palm. Sally retracts her hand. “Apparently not.”
Howdy hooks the hat over that hand, and Wormie lets out a mournful peep. He lets Sally and Eddie pull him through the forest, staying hunched over the hat and murmuring reassurances. He starts quietly crying again at some point. The rain washes away his tears and sounds. By the time they return to the tavern, he’s exhausted himself. They all stumble through the doorway as a soaked, grimy trio.
Julie and Frank flurry over to fuss over them, but Howdy staggers past their worries. All he knows through the cotton in his head is that he needs a hot bath. He leaves their chatter behind and makes his way down the hallway, only pausing to listen at Barnaby’s door. 
Poppy is humming to herself. Howdy sags against the wall for a moment, taking solace in how calm she sounds. For a moment, he imagines going inside and resting at Barnaby’s bedside, but… later, he promises himself. When he’s in clean clothes and feels less like collapsing. 
Climbing the stairs to his room is a feat in itself, but Howdy manages it without tripping over the steps. He closes his door behind him and sighs, tempted to just fall asleep on the floor and deal with everything later. But Wormie is still shivering in his hand, and he might as well kill two birds with one stone. 
The hat is placed on the table for cleaning. Howdy hates to let go of Wormie, but he places her on the crown while he runs a bath. Not for the first time he thanks his past self for investing in this revolutionary tech called plumbing. All he needs to do is turn a valve, and hot water pours right into a fixed tub in the corner of his large, open room. 
For a long moment he yanks at the valve, not understanding why it’s not working- ah. He’s turning it the wrong way. He blinks forcibly and twists the right way, and water pours out. He watches it drain until it registers that he should plug the tub. 
Oh, the headache he’s going to have when he wakes up…
Howdy strips as he makes his way back over to Wormie, leaving unsalvageable clothing items strewn about. It’s a blessing in disguise that he was drenched by the rain - it kept all of the blood from drying, so his shirt and pants come off easily instead of sticking to his skin. He’s still stained red underneath them. Howdy undoes his ponytail and picks up Wormie. He carefully loosens her harness and slides it off, revealing a patch of spring blue and green bands underneath. 
He holds her to his chest as he steps into the filling tub. Steam rises off of it, and it clears his stuffed sinuses. He inhales it grateful and sinks into the water, clenching his teeth when it laps over the punctures in his thigh. He closes the valve and settles with a groan.
Wormie peeps at him and looks over the side of his hand at the water with longing in her big eyes. Howdy carefully lowers her until the warm water pools over his palm. Wormie finally stretches out as he rubs his thumb over her. Mud flakes and sloughs off of her, and she wriggles happily. She dunks her face and thrashes a little to properly soak herself. He gently runs a soap bar over her until she’s nearly white from the suds, and lowers her into the water so only her head floats on the surface.
Once she’s clean, Howdy grabs a small hand towel off of a nearby shelf, soaks it, and piles it on the side of the tub. He places Wormie on it and she happily starts burrowing. It occurs to him that he could look for some sort of floatation device for her, so that she could splash around to her tiny heart’s content, but just the thought is exhausting. So, a waterlogged towel it is. 
Before Howdy completely ruins the water by scrubbing more blood and mud into it, he washes his hair. The rain had already undone the ‘do, so at least he doesn’t have to scrub out the styling paste. He squeezes the water out as best as he can and slicks it back.
Watching the red caking his skin dissipate into the water is nothing short of a relief. He stops when he gets to the minor injury Barnaby left him - he can’t tell if he bled or not. If he did, it was overshadowed by Barnaby’s blood. He sits on the edge of the tub to better inspect it.
The wounds are shallow and nothing to write home about. They don’t need bandaging, though even if they did, the time for that has long since passed. Barnaby must not be dulling his claws like he usually does. Thankfully they weren’t entirely sharp, or Howdy suspects he’d have much larger holes in his thigh. Three punctures on the outside, one on the inside. Howdy opens the water valve a smidge just to wet a fresh towelette and properly clean the wounds. It would help no one to get them infected - Poppy needs to save her energy for Barnaby.
By the time he’s satisfied with his cleanliness - if he weren’t so tired, he’d have gone for a fourth round of soap - Wormie is dozing in her damp towel. He opens the drain before grabbing a fresh hand towel, this one dry. He carefully lifts Wormie out of it and wraps her in the soft fabric. Her eyes open for only a moment before she settles again, purring. 
For a long few minutes, Howdy just sits and holds her, watching her antennae twitch as she falls asleep. He absentmindedly rubs the towel, and Wormie’s purring increases as she’s dried. 
The sound of the last of the water draining pulls Howdy’s attention away from the tiny animal. He carefully gets out of the tub and puts Wormie back on the table, still wrapped up. Once again, he looks longingly at his bed. 
Howdy dries off and dresses in loose sleep pants and leaves it at that, not wanting to bother with a shirt. He rarely sleeps with one on, anyway. Too much of a hassle. He slips Wormie out of her towel and brings her downstairs, once again having to move slowly with much paid attention as to not fall with his leaden legs.
Poppy emerges from the room as Howdy reaches the ground floor. She turns and startles. “Oh! Howdy, you startled me. You look much better… though your hair is still wet - you’ll catch a cold if you leave it like that.”
Is it? Howdy brushes his fingertips over cold strands plastered to his neck. Oops. 
“Are you alright? You look quite unsteady…” Poppy comes over to him and squawks softly, her neck pulling back. “Is that alcohol? Howdy, are you drunk?”
Howdy shrugs one shoulder. Talking takes focus and time, but he manages, “I may be a little tipsy. No worries.”
“Many worries, dear.” 
“How is he?” Howdy deflects as he walks past her, partially leaning against the wall. He nudges open the door and rests against the doorframe. The blankets cast over the small room’s bed rise and fall in stark contrast to how shallow Barnaby was breathing earlier. 
“On the mend,” Poppy murmurs, following him inside. He slumps into the armchair already pulled up to the bed. “He might sleep for some time… he’s been through quite an ordeal. Anyone would be tired after so much healing, let alone after… well.”
Howdy carefully places Wormie on Barnaby’s neck. She stirs, and starts forcibly purring as soon as she registers the shade of blue underneath her. She doesn’t perform her usual party-seizure like she usually does when seeing Barnaby - she just burrows into his fur. Howdy has to wonder if she’s simply exhausted, or if she can tell that something is wrong. 
“I don’t believe we’ll encounter any complications with his health, thank goodness” Poppy says. “By my estimates, he should be up and moving within the week. I’d like him to remain on bedrest for a few days more than strictly necessary, but I doubt he’ll want to stay put.”
If Howdy weren’t so worn out, he’d tear up yet again. 
Of course he won’t stay. Barnaby will charge out the door as soon as he’s able, hellbent as he is on finding Wally. No one can blame him. The others will likely continue the search tomorrow, if not the next day. All Howdy can hope is they find something promising for Barnaby to wake up to.
He crosses his upper arms on the bed and pillows his head on them. He fights to keep his eyelids open, watching Barnaby’s peaceful face. He looks calm, his features holding no hint of pain. A warm weight drapes over Howdy. 
He starts to lift his head, but Poppy says, “It’s just a blanket. Rest, Howdy, you need it. Barnaby will be here when you wake up.”
Howdy means to thank her, but the word comes out as a weary sigh. He lets his eyes slide shut, and slips into deep sleep a second later.
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moonchild-in-blue · 1 month
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I just got the biggest jumpscare of my life, so naturally had to run here real quick.
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STOP BEING OMINOUS BABYGIRL 😭
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shen-shixiong · 7 months
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WORKING ON A THING !!
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mattodore · 3 months
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Me going to sleep knowing that there's so much stuff to learn in the world and it doesn't matter if I fail at first, eventually I'll get there.
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... why he sit like this
#in this position his face is extremely 'cartoon cat' shaped.. like the perfectly round cheeks and little#rounded bump of a snout.. big round eyes. etc. stretched over the arm of a chair like a weirdo#cats#It's still Hot Evil Summer time and I have so much to do so am just aimlessly hopping between various projects but not actually#getting anything done. as usual. Also so so so so tired. I almost fell asleep in the middle of the floor like 3 times today lol#Trying to finish some costume photos and also another poll adventure thing. plus I do really want to do a sculpture sometime#I haven't finished one in a while. Hopefully my tiredness is nothing bad.#Maybe I'm anemic again so that's making me tired. Or maybe it's just a Listless phase. not that I'm ever really THAT productive considering#all of the health problems and etc. always holding me back. but still. I'm not usually 'sleep or just stare at a wall literally all day' ty#e unproductive.. at least not for multiple days in a row so. hmm... Sometimes especially in the summer though I will have periods of time#that are listless like that. I am under low level phyiscal stress for months at a time due to summer heat so I guess it makes sense#that would eventually take a toll. I just have SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO DO!!!!! AAUUGhhh#I also came up with a new idea for a game that is so so cool and I wish I could make it but I have to finish the other one first lol#which I will NEVER do. if I spend all day just sleepy unfocused barely able to do anything#I also really need to sell some clothes and sculptures because I'll probably have to buy a new computer soon so I need money. (plus still#recovering the costs of having to euthanize my other cat.. wehh) There's nothing clearly wrong with it right now but it's getting gradually#slower and there's more weird glitches happening randomly and idk.. just weird things that make me think 'hmm... bad.. possibly.'#ANYWAY... I just have so much to do that I both REALLY want or need to do - so it's perpetually frustrating that I just can't for whatever#reason like. Time is always mving forward. every day I waste is a wasted day. The year is already almost half over. I havent finished#any of the projects I wanted to .. and there's only more and more things to do each day. It's overwhelming and stinky#and thats not even considering having to do all of my tasks also with the background noise of economic inequality. everything increasingly#going into an even scarier political direction. active climate change crisis. pandemic that still exists and is insane to act otherwise. et#etc. HOW am I supposed to solo make two whole games . write 3 book series. finish sculptures. do costumes. make outfits. game videos. make#stable network of social connections. do my little side crafts. take care of myself and cats. pay rent. manage health issues. keep a routin#.try to make some sort of money. go to doctors appointments. handle regular maintenance like cleaning and cooking and self care#and buying new plates when old ones break or etc. make sure to do other things like backup my computer data regularly. do shopping lists.#take care of plants. pursue like 6 different academic interests. do the other side side projects I have for fun (like music or carving avoc#ado pits). eat in a healthy way thats okay for my Special Health Issue diet. exercise so i don't die early. etc. etc. etc. AND all while it#82F in my apartment all the time and I have tiny income and also need to move to another country/climate somehow??? lol......#ANYWAY.. ..very frustrated today over my chronic Tired Sleepy.. time for Cat Photos - which cure all of life's ailments lol
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altruistic-meme · 1 year
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Am I the only one who actually likes Marcus in the beginning? Like I thought "oh he seems like a nice dude I want Simon to be with wille but this isn't so bad ig" and then when Simon tried breaking up with him his response????? Was so WEIRD? like it just felt off to me that he refused to hear Simon and just went on saying that they should still be together and brought up his dad. Like that was weird as hell. Maybe I'm wrong but if someone's breaking up with you you should just ... Accept it? And let them? It's one thing to try and convince them to stay bc you're so heartbroken, which is acceptable, but with Marcus it felt like different, like he was lowkey being manipulative. It felt like he wasn't listening to Simon at all. And I mean I'm not blaming him for Simon cheating on him with wille but dude you know this guy doesn't really wanna be with you lmao what did you expect
hello anon i love you. 
Trust me, you are NOT alone! This was literally my exact reaction as well. I actually kind of like Marcus at the start, and then during that argument my opinion completely flipped. Because you are very right: it was pretty manipulative of Marcus, and it wasn’t the only time he exhibited that behavior either. 
For the sake of “I’m not here to start drama”: I’m going to speak from personal experience and about my personal opinion on Marcus. I am always open to hearing other peoples thoughts on this as well, if you agree or disagree, just please be respectful about it. I have been witness to two different, incredibly manipulative relationships. I’ve done quite a bit of research because of this. So that’s where I’m coming from. 
Now, you sent me this right before my first rewatch of s2 which means i was paying lots of attention to Marcus when i watched it and I definitely took notes for this so let’s go!
Episode 1 (around 37:00): my first red flag in Marcus’ behavior was how he was pretty instantly overly-friendly and familiar with Simon despite the fact they’d only had 2 interactions. He greeted him with a hug, kept getting very close to him, and was hanging off of him during karaoke. Which isn’t always a red flag, because sometimes people are just Like That, but I still think it’s worth noting considering his later behavior. It just rubs me the wrong way that he is putting himself into Simon’s space so quickly. 
Episode 3 (around 22:40): the actual argument that you mentioned
Like you, I was perfectly fine with Marcus until this scene. I got bad feelings pretty early on.
Simon tells Marcus that he “isn’t ready for anything serious” and Marcus tells him that it’s okay, but then proceeds to immediately twist the situation in his favor. He pretends to accept what Simon says to begin with so that Simon won’t just shut down, but he does still put up arguments.
“I’m not like [Wille] … I won’t hurt you.” Bad Sign Bad Sign Bad Sign. Saying that he isn’t like Wille to catch Simon’s attention and to build trust. Simon’s trust in Wille is broken, and Marcus seems to understand that, so he’s using Wille as a gateway to establish a trust that he would otherwise have to earn. 
Simon basically telling him “that’s not what it’s about, it’s not about you, I just can’t do this now” was another chance for Marcus to step back, but instead he continues to push the issue. 
Him bringing up Micke was a trick as well. Telling Simon that he doesn’t really understand how relationships should look gives him free wiggle room. Because it makes Simon lose trust in his own judgment, and now he will look to Marcus to see if what they are doing is good and healthy. 
TOUCHING HIS NECK during the conversation made me furious actually. It built a connection between them, something intimate, again to build Simon’s trust. 
Reinforced by hugging him as well. 
“I know you don’t want to destroy something this beautiful” is also a very bad sign. Because now he’s telling Simon that what they have is healthy and good, piggybacking off of the doubt he created earlier in Simon’s judgment. 
“Let’s just take it slow” now he’s repeating this, telling Simon what his own terms are while actively ignoring Simon’s decision to end it. 
And finally for this scene, he gives a “reward” for Simon’s agreement. He offers to go cheer Simon on at the competition. 
Episode 4 (around 7:45): he expresses no interest in going to the ball, which is fine on it’s own, but it’s him shutting down what Simon wants immediately followed by proposing what he wants instead, to go to his house. 
Also Episode 4 (around 36:00): last one, this one also is a huge thing imo. “[Wille] seems nice. He’s not at all stuck-up like when he was shooting with Felice.” this is a direct attempt to paint Wille in a bad light. It’s an attempt to make Simon believe that Wille was only nice to Marcus because Simon was there, and that he is entirely different - even rude - when Simon isn’t there to impress. 
This is all to say that, whether it was intentional or not, I think Marcus was absolutely trying to manipulate Simon. So much of his behavior can kind of be waved away (“oh some people are just overly-friendly” “maybe Simon needed to hear that” “Wille did hurt Simon” etc) but also one of the major aspects of manipulation like this is that it can be easy to wave away. The person who is being manipulative doesn’t want to be clocked manipulating someone, it’s not supposed to be overt and noticeable. But it’s still there. In many little things and sometimes in a few bigger ones. 
This was something I noticed on my first watch, and the rewatch only further cemented it in my mind. Do I think Marcus was all bad? No, absolutely not! But then again, neither are most manipulators. I did enjoy him as a character as well, and the actor did a wonderful job. But yeah. I don’t think he did Simon any good. 
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synthshenanigans · 5 months
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Finally has been a full year since I started listening
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Fuckin hate that guy eugh
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b4kuch1n · 1 year
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I actually for real feel like my phone's scanning quality has dropped monumentally while I was away on thing so that's a fun thing to figure out now. anyways
#sk8 the infinity#kyan reki#hasegawa langa#renga#answering of ''sure'' whenever they ask ''are you gay'' strikes again#gods. genuinely at least on the export the quality of these dropped like to half. whats up with that#sorry if these are impossible to parse#anyways. scribbled these during ''holiday'' ''vacation'' ''getaway'''#sometimes it really is the simple things. hallucinating vividly about the casual life of a pair of teens to survive being in a car for 6hrs#WITH da family#so glad I picked up scribbling on paper again. I actually got stuff to do digitally today and!! literally it feels so much cleaner#like I feel like I relearned a bunch stuff doing traditional ink again for a sec#but yeah. u guys should know by now how much I think about food as a concept#took 3m off last year to write about it in fact. but now Im just microdosing by drawing langa#I'm also actually so insane about reki being a scaredy cat it's so. something. it means so much to me#this of course means koyomi is a jumpscare champion. among siblings that are close in age there must be#the one who sleeps in the lower bunk. and the one who ties a doll to a string by its neck and lower it down to be next to the others face#'why is that so specific' no further question. thank you#gods okay. I need to lay the fuck down it is now my time. to be in bed#Im onto some real exciting stuff rn! and when this piece is done I'll return to ink for a sec#so uh. ink comm maybe not this week. but the next#happy late labor day! seek and destroy. have a good night
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skitskatdacat63 · 1 year
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HE'S SO CUTE
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greetings-inferiors · 3 months
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Shut up idea for maths based spellcasting - specifically probability - that is based upon my idea for a ‘mathologer’ in dnd
So there are only 6 levels of spells available. This is important as at max level your “spell slots” will add to 20 (the regular number of spell slots up to level 7, just take the 2 from 7 and add it to 3 and 2)
So you start off with a ‘die’ (for now a d4) and with 2 level 1 “spell slots”. Before casting a spell, you roll the die to see if your spell casts. If it is 1 or 2, you can cast a level 1 spell, if it is 3 or 4, you ‘overcast’ and can’t cast magic for a turn (out of battle roll until you can cast, that is your prepared spell).
When you level up, you get a level 1 and level 2 spell slot! Yayyy! So you can cast level 2 spells (at a 25% chance)
However. When you next level up, you get another level 1 spell slot. I’ll explain exactly how spell slots are distributed (this applies for all dice). Starting from the lowest number, it goes all of your first level spell slots, then all of your second level spell slots, then all your third, etc. so with a d4 at level 3, even though you know level 2 spells, you can’t cast them, because you’d only ever roll level 1. If you want to be able to cast level 2 spells, you’d have to upgrade to a d6, and risk overcasting. (I wrote that before figuring out the spell slot distribution, so technically you can cast level 2 at level 3, but it’d be a 25% with d4 compared to 33% with d6). Think of cast die as just a weapon like a staff or wand.
This continues all the way up to level 20, but you don’t gain spell slots when you gain a feat.
You have your prepared spell (you can’t overcast out of battle) and when you cast it, you expend that slot and can reroll. At level 5, 10, and 15 (see what I did there) you don’t expend level 1, 2, and 3 spell slots respectively, so they essentially become cantrips. At level 10, 15, and 20, you can use level 1, 2, and 3 spells as actual cantrips respectively, but you don’t reroll the cast die. This means if you want to save your big level 6 spell, you’re not completely locked out of spellcasting.
To properly define overcasting:
Overcast: you cannot cast spells (if you’re multiclassing, you cannot cast other class’ spells either). You can cast cantrips. Roll your cast die at the start of your turn, and lost overcast.
Level 1 spells are pretty basic, like “roll your cast die. Deal that amount of damage.”, or the level 3 “roll your cast die. That number of creatures in an 18m radius take 1d8 damage (plus 1d8 every 5 levels)”. Just spells with high variance. Higher level spells tap into the true potential of probability manipulation, like a level 4 “you and every creature in a 9m radius rolls your cast die (or equivalent). The creature(s) closest to your roll take damage equal to your roll. If it’s equal to what they rolled, this crits. If you rolled a 20, double the damage.” And a level 6 “choose a creature. Every d20 roll they make is a 20. Every d20 roll you make is a 1.”
Anyway here’s the grid:
Level # | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | recommended cast die
Level 1 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d4
Level 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d4
Level 3 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d6
Level 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d6 (feat, no spell slots)
Level 5 | 4 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d6 (level 1 are cantrips)
Level 6 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d8
Level 7 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d12
Level 8 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d12 (feat, no spell slots)
Level 9 | 4 | 4 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 0 | d12
Level 10| 4 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | d12 (level 2 are cantrips)
Level 11| 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 0 | d20
Level 12| 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 0 | d20 (feat, no spell slots)
Level 13| 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 0 | d20
Level 14| 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 0 | 0 | d20
Level 15| 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 1 | 0 | d20 (level 3 are cantrips)
Level 16| 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 1 | 0 | d20 (feat, no spell slots)
Level 17| 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | d20
Level 18| 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 0 | d20
Level 19| 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 0 | d20 (feat, no spell slots)
Level 20| 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 3 | 2 | d20
I should go to sleep. Please ask questions, I don’t want to sleep.
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disdaidal · 3 months
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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aterabyte · 2 months
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god. I hate how physical disability can make combatting depression worse by randomly preventing you from leaving the house on a given day and forcing you to wallow more
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