“I have nothing left. And all I feel is this cruel wanting…”

“And as much as I'd like to feel like I belong here, I'm just as scared as you.” (“Lost in paradise” by Evanescence)

I have to put a trigger warning (suicidal thoughts and swear words) on this post and I’m doing this before I’ve even written my text. I’m sorry. I only need to scream my pain out.

1, 5 years. 535 days. 12840 hours. 770400 minutes. 46 224 000 seconds. Approximately.

1,5 years ago, my life became my personal hell. I feel captured in my own useless body…captured in my goddamn dark room, captured in my fucking overstimulated mind. And who’s my sadistic prison guard? It’s this cruel bitch of a disease ME/CFS!

Wasn’t it enough yet?! Am I such a horrible human being, that I really deserved even more shit in my life?! There have been so many ordeals in my life…so many rough times, disabilities and diseases…so much anxiety and stress to deal with!!! What have I done wrong to deserve all of these dreadful things?! Seriously, what have I done?!?

I must be some kind of a magnet for disasters…I can’t explain it in any other way to myself. Maybe, I’ve just yelled “here!” for all these experiences…maybe I’ve volunteered accidentally?!? Watching your parents fighting night after night until you have to intervene again and again? Here! Being sexually abused at the age of 12 years? Here! Being raped at the age of 15 years? Here! Multiple surgeries and endless pain? Here! Domestic violence? Here! Multiple Miscarriages? Here! Months of pregnancy staying in bed at the hospital? Here! Fighting for the lives of your extremely premature born children without a partner on your side, even though they were the result of ICSI treatment? Here! Colitis Ulcerosa? Here! OCD? Here! Disability? Here! Several other severe illnesses? Here! Getting ME/CFS and being doomed to a life in darkness and silence? Here! Here, here, here!!!!!!!!! Fuck me sideways!

Is it me? Am I the problem?! What have I done wrong! Tell me, God, what shall I do to end this madness…to finish this suffering?! I’m already broken!

And yes, I know, I have three wonderful children….and I’m forbidding myself to leave them behind…to leave them alone. They need their mother. I know that all. But seeing the sadness in their little faces every day…noticing the disappointment in their voices every fucking day…it’s breaking me.

I’ve tried to have dinner together with my children tonight. Therefore, I wore my noise canceling headphones, my sunglasses and I told them to be as quiet as possible. And still….still….fuck! Their movements, their voices, when they spoke all at once…the light in our dining room…everything was too much for me!! I got disoriented…overwhelmed by this overstimulation. All I could do, was to close my eyes and to wait until dinner was over. I couldn’t eat or drink, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t interact with my children the way, they deserved to be treated by their mother! So…what kind of mother am I now? I’m just a shadow of the mother…of the person, I’ve been, before ME/CFS started to destroy me. I’m only a pathetic failure. My children deserve more than that!

I’m hopeless…and all I want is to let myself fall…just like Julia lets herself fall into the tempting abyss in this heart wrenching drawing, which I’ve commissioned from my dear friend @madfantasy. I’ve told Mani to make Severus come and save her. He’s there…holding her back…grabbing her in the very last moment, screaming “Stay with me, Jules!”. Severus is her last anchor. Severus is my anchor. I won’t let myself fall with him by my side.

Mani, my precious friend, I can’t tell you how grateful I am, that you were brave enough to give my cruel fantasy a face. I know, that my dark thoughts can be overwhelming, especially for someone, who’s also struggling with their own mental health. I’m apologizing for the way, I’m pouring out my grief and despair over your marvelous artwork. But you’re the only artist, who’s capable of getting a grasp on my emotions and transforming them into something so powerful, so delightful like your art. Thank you for everything, my dear. 🫂🫂 (Fly fly)

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

retired 🩶

Zelda goes mushroom girl

On the topic of FCG potentially being reincarnated--it makes sense as an option the party might organically consider attempting, but, as we saw with Laudna's death (and even Percy's way back when), input from the player is a really operative aspect of whether a character will be resurrected. Marisha clearly did not want to let Laudna go, so they pursued a long road to bring her back. Alternatively, Taliesin was totally willing to let Percy go if he thought the ritual offerings wouldn't be enough (shoutout to Vex's nat 20 persuasion check for this one).

And Sam? Well, Sam, as a player, loves to fail. Because failing is interesting, usually far more interesting than succeeding. We're talking about a guy who openly derides luck points and fervently refused to use the halfling luck feature except in the ONE instance where succeeding the roll would have had a worse outcome than failing. Regardless of how I or anyone else feels about losing FCG and/or wanting them back, Sam does not strike me as the kind of player who would want to bring FCG back after going out like this, available reincarnation or not. I would both suspect and anticipate that this will be FCG's final showing, just based on what I know of Sam as a player

Begging, begging, begging people to stop associating aging and femininity in men/masculine people as Wrong and Predatory. Femininity has no age limit.

To any feminine man, masculine person, or really, anybody who needs to hear this: Your femininity deserves to be recognized and celebrated. Aging is a natural and unique part of life, and you don't have to sacrifice your femininity for fear of being "too old" to be accepted or seen as charming. You are already charming.

There is no limit to being who you are. No matter what you're told, you still deserve to completely claim yourself.

amazing episode EASILY one of my most favorite battle episodes of all time. How Ever is it insane of me to wish it went Just a little bit worse than it did. for the plot

Intrusive thoughts

not to be that person but fuck

n don’t get me wrong I love smut as much as the next person but I cannot stand meaningless smut. With no substance just mindless sex with no passion or any ounce of affection attached to it. No buildup, no pining, no tension so thick it’s palpable no “fuck why are these jeans glued on” no “clumsiness or characters being awkward because sex is awkward sometimes and intimidating” no characterisation, character development or poking fun in a lighthearted way because

“dino boxers really?”

the way they’d be so unapologetic about it too maybe not even vocal but the look that fucking look that screams “yeah? n what you’re gonna do about it?” or maybe they’re flustered but that’s hot either way because it’s them, it’s their quirk

It’s the little details

The vulnerability? The insecurities—trying something new but being afraid to cross or plunge into unknown territories

but it’s their touch—guidance—that unspoken “you’re safe with me”

Subtle hotness/intimacy man

But yeah sex sells. Let’s be real. It’s a cheap way to get views especially when not mindful of how characters would react in such situations

Riz Gukgak and his bloody hands

SUCH a metal visual and motif. Kalina, Baron, they tease him for it, they twist it into one of his worst qualities, just as they belittle that he his heart, leverage his fear that he cannot love anyone enough.

Riz Gukgak loves. He will claw himself to shreds on love. He will dig through reality, lacerating himself on crystal, just to help his childhood friend. He will hiss at the devil, he will bite out eyes, he will do anything to help his friends feel safe. He will attempt to eat an entire dragon. Out of love for a father he barely knew.

"That’s you saying “I love you” to the people who matter to you the most."

Gosh, the parallels between Lilliana and Laudna - delicious. Like both are aiding powers they claim to hate, trying to keep them at bay in their own way, and clinging to this idea that they don’t have a choice in the matter. Both necessary tools in Ludinus and Delilah’s schemes (that both Ludinus and Delilah resent on some level), both drawing power and respect from them, and both telling themselves this is the best way forward, that THEY are the ones using the other to protect those they hold dear. 

And what’s even MORE fascinating is that Imogen finally has seen this bullshit for what it is in Lilliana, even if she understands her mother loves her, but is still afraid to confront it in Laudna. Imogen is still her mother’s daughter and has that same naivety of thinking she can navigate through it all - the naive promise of a happy ending somewhere down the line.

“And if he felt he had to direct you, then direct you into my arms…”

“And I believe in Love. And I know that you do too. And I believe in some kind of path. That we can walk down, me and you.” (“Into my arms” by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds)

This post was written in a sleep deprived and depressed state of mind. So, I guess, I have to put a trigger warning on the following 8 paragraphs (abuse, child loss, disability, disease, general feelings of hopelessness) I’m sorry… I really am. You know what? Just enjoy this amazing artwork and skip my whiny text…I only needed this to remind myself of breathing.

Ever since I fell head over heels for Severus Snape 21 years ago, I used my fantasies about him as my safety net, when my reality became too rough…too traumatic. He accompanied me through half of my life…helping me through so many horrible times, no matter how devastating they were.

Experiences of emotional and physical abuse? Severus was there to keep my mind safe (and he still is, when my brain gets triggered again).

Miscarriages…so many miscarriages…Severus was there, helping me to cope with my grief.

Pregnancies full of sorrows and anxiety…being ordered to complete bed rest in hospital for months…Severus was in my thoughts all day…keeping me focused on my purpose, to get my children through these pregnancies safely.

Dealing with extremely prematurely born twins on my own as a single mother…well, Severus inspired me to believe in my own strength….protecting my children at all costs.

Times with severe health issues and disabilities, too many surgeries, pain and fears…well, you might guess it: It was Severus, who made me believe in my resilience.

And now, that I’m struggling with this cruel monster ME/CFS, having lost the life, I knew before…Severus is still here with me. I’m clinging on him, I’m dreaming of him, I’m writing for him….because if I wouldn’t do that, I would just break down and drown in my despair. And, gosh, I know how pathetic that sounds…believe me, I do! But it’s him, who keeps me going…who keeps me safe from losing my goddamn mind!

I’m absorbing this fucking (literal) darkness around me…and it is starting to eat me alive. I can’t leave my house, I can’t leave my dark room, most of the times I can’t even leave my bed…and the worst thing is, that I can’t leave my weak, diseased body and my fucked up mind. And yes…when my mind is getting too dark, too exhausted, I need Severus to remind me, that I mustn’t leave my life…that I mustn’t leave my three beloved children!

So…I’ll do, what I’ve always done in these past 21 years. I’m dreaming myself away…right into his arms. Severus was, is and will always be my safe haven, my shelter.

I’ve commissioned the lovely @hannisimp for exactly this little piece of comfort…this small moment of peace for my troubled heart and soul. My dear, please take my apologies for writing such a pathetically weak post beneath your beautiful drawing of Severus and Julia. But rest assured, Lin, your artwork brought a little light to my darkness and a smile to my face. Thank you so much for everything!

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

Does Crowley actually destroy the "bad" plants?

I think not!

Neil Gaiman notably suggested once that he makes the shredder noise to frighten the plants, then sneaks the plant with leaf spots out and gives it to the old lady downstairs.

However, this was just in response to a question asking what could be told to a child who was upset by the scene, and so could not be considered canon. It does seem in character, but trying to be mindful of not headcanonning Crowley into too much of a meow-meow, I was prepared to believe either possibility.

But then, I was reading the book. And though much of the scene in the show was taken line for line, in the book it doesn't say he shreds the plants, or that the sound of a shredder is heard, or anything like that. It says he leaves the flat with the offending plant, and returns an hour or so later with an empty pot.

About the right amount of time to pop downstairs, have a chat and a cup of tea, and re-pot a plant, wouldn't you say? Hmmmmmmm.

when feral gojo gets animated you will either see me all over tumblr losing my shit and posting every single frame of his ethereal, crazed, ape-shit expression i can possibly get my hands on or i will simply leave without notice and proceed to disappear into the depths of my habitat, never to be seen nor heard from again.

Preview of the runner up results from this poll. I wish everyone who wanted to see more SVSSS characters from me a merry "I'm So Sorry'.

It’s not my fault! I’m not to blame. It is that wretched girl, the witch who sent this flame!

Inspired by @sharkscene ‘s tags

you know what i think is interesting? the way that some people have just flat out decided that aziraphale being in hell during the body swap wasn't even a little bit traumatic.

we obviously know it fucked with crowley (see: the telling jim to jump out a window scene)

but what about aziraphale? sure we have no concrete proof it messed with him, but we also don't have proof to the contrary

"oh but he was just laughing about asking for a rubber duck". when has aziraphale ever actually been upfront about his feelings? he consistently outwardly acts like things are fine even when they very much aren't. i don't know about you but me personally? i wouldn't put it past him to be jokey about it when really it messed him up inside.

sure the holy water isn't painful to HIM. but he's down there knowing full well that it was supposed to be crowley in that bath. it was supposed to be the love of his life melting and dying in that bath. and it was to be put on display for all of hell to watch. in the same way that crowley was up in heaven knowing that gabriel told aziraphale to shut his stupid mouth and die already. the same way crowley knew they were reveling in ending aziraphale's life.

like, idk. i just think that maybe aziraphale also has a lot of trauma to work through and him working through it and his shitty coping mechanisms is part of the growth he needs to undergo in season 3.