#i love the thesis that love isn't enough to keep them together if one or both parties aren't getting what they need from the relationship
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So. I hate shipping discourse and I try to keep it off my blog nowadays. I also don't consider myself a part of the fandom. But, I find discussions about this series particularly engaging and interesting, and Elucien do have me in a bit of a chokehold these days so I feel the need to get this off my chest and put this out into the world.
A common question I see is "why do people ship Elucien? They don't even like each other". And to that, I say this:
What about it? This is why shipping discourse in this fandom (and in general) is so ridiculous, because why is there confusion as to why people ship Elain and Lucien together? SJM literally wrote them as a potential pairing, that's why she made them mates. Pairing = shipping. It's not rocket science.
Two characters not liking each other is never gonna be a deterrent for them becoming canon or for people liking them as a ship. That's why enemies to lovers is such a popular trope. However way you define enemies (on opposite sides of a war like Zuko and Katara, or thinking ill of one another based on misunderstandings and assumptions like Darcy and Elizabeth), when it's done well, the story of two characters changing their opinion about each other, getting to know each other on a deeper level, and growing to love each other after their initial discomfort/hatred/loathing/indifference is a compelling story. It's about the journey, the development, and overcoming all the hurdles and bumps that are in their way.
Another reason for why the "they dislike each other" argument is so weak is because you literally have two other canon couples in this same series who had very rough starts. No matter how you feel about these two pairings, it's blatantly clear that Rhys and Cassian did put Feyre and Nesta in uncomfortable situations and have hurt them (physically/emotionally). But clearly, that was not a deterrent for them getting together in the end. So why the heck are Lucien and Elain different? Why is "Elain is so uncomfortable around Lucien" a continuous argument? It's so hypocritical given the fact that Lucien is the only guy that isn't forcing himself upon his mate.
Also, I'm sorry but some people (me...I'm some people) are tired of the "dark, battle-born, winged-warrior brother" and "previously human, traumatized archeron sister" pairing. Elain and Lucien are both associated with nature, they're both social and like interacting with people, they both experienced a deep love previously, they both abhor violence, they are both overlooked by others yet have the ability to see what others can't. They are a compatible pairing to me because they share many characteristics that are harmonious and complementary. They are the anti-thesis of Night Court aesthetics and thought, and if they ever have a book together then I can only hope it's the best one in the series.
And yes, the "Elain needs sunshine" and "Lucien is the heir to the Day Court" connection is important, my goodness. That's what symbolism is!
Sometimes it's that simple.
Okay, that's enough shipping discourse from me.
#acotar#elucien#pro elucien#anti elriel#i guess?#to all my mutuals...i'm sorry but back in the day this blog was a book blog so maybe i'm going back to my roots!#and yes this was spurred by that post i say in the tags where op was wondering why people ship elucien...which was promptly deleted!#bookworm
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Could you elaborate on that Orym-grief post? I find it interesting and I love ur character meta
Sure! The main thesis, is, well, the post: Orym has a healthy attitude towards his own grief and deals with it well, but isn't good at handling how the party feels. And, secondary to that, the fandom tends to flip this around in their perception of Orym.
Orym is very aware he is grieving and that this will be a life-long thing. He misses Will and Derrig very much and their absence is a hole in his life. He also has built a life around it. It's a process, certainly, but a process he trusts. He allows himself to feel his feelings (the gravesite sequence in Zephrah), but he also very much wants to live out his life (the feeling of failure when he died, his general enjoyment of things). He's a relatively subdued and quiet person, but he clearly finds a lot of joy in life.
The thing about grief is that it's a unique sort of pain, because there's really nothing to be done about it, and it is, typically, something that will always be there. The process is to find a way to live with that absence and make space for it while also making space for new things. It's an important lesson! It's also not how you should deal with other problems, because it's not really solution focused (or rather, the solution is "it is what it is, and it really hurts, and eventually, time will make it hurt somewhat less though it will flare up in specific situations.") For more on this: Caduceus covers very similar territory; his understanding of grief is incredibly strong, and his understanding of other problems often falters.
With grief, the answer for the living is ultimately "keep going," and that's the thing with Orym: he sure does keep going. But I think it leads him to push past things without stopping to unpack and solve them, because in his case (a guy with a great mother, a happy upbringing, a career he enjoyed, and a loving marriage, who then experienced a devastating loss) the answer really was "yeah, it really hurts that my husband and his father, who was essentially the only father figure I had, were senselessly murdered in an attack on my home. But let's put one foot in front of the other."
However, this is not actually great advice for much of Bells Hells. Several of them genuinely have conditions that lead to a complete loss of control and self that could harm or kill others, and they are at varying levels of dealing with it, potential to the peril of others. Orym notes that Fearne's impulses might put the party at risk, but he never does anything to address it other than say "hey, we need to work together." He even skirts around it himself! I think it's valid for him to approach Fearne to have a backup plan about Imogen potentially joining the Vanguard, but he says his piece and then goes and does that in private instead of fully hashing out why she'd say this in front of the people who were murdered by them, which means the root causes are never addressed. A lot of this party needs to be told both "hey, your feelings here are really valid and you should express your anger" and "hey, get your fucking shit together once you've done that." Orym tends to treat them either like they're grieving (a gentle "hey, we need to keep going, we need to get back"), or treat this like a group endeavor without delving into the individual.
I really suspect the reason we are having such a massive blow up right now is in part because this party has, for so long, been told "hey, your shit? It could ruin it for the rest of us, and we're a team," and Ashton very much went against this. I would not, frankly, be surprised if Imogen (for example) is angry not just only Ashton, but also generally, that she pushed down her stuff and maybe didn't make more efforts to contact her mother and work through that.
Essentially, Orym is really good at smoothing things over just enough to keep everything on task, but eventually, if the gear is broken, no amount of grease can keep it from jamming, and that's what just happened here with Ashton. This is what only repeated quick fixes and no preventative maintenance looks like.
(As for why the fandom thinks the opposite? I personally blame that most putrid - in several senses - belief, that conflict is always to be avoided, mixed in with a longstanding really toxic and genre/medium-ignorant attitude towards death and grieving. I think this goes hand and hand with the really pervasive attitude early on that Bells Hells were so open and honest instead of the truth: it was just a pleasant veneer.)
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do the mermaids represent ed and stede, do they represent the two sides of ed, do they represent the two sides of stede, do they represent the two arcs ed and stede have to confront in s2, do they represent the two possible paths for their characters to take in s2, do they represent good and evil.
answer: yes.
they represent personal myth and legend and the conflicting nature of being a fucking person.
it's a myth - mermaids - holding up a past and a future, and it's divided with one hand reaching and the other closed off. it's a myth holding up hope and love in one hand, separate from and reaching out to a myth holding up violence and anger. heartbreak in one hand, power in the other. softness in one hand and a threat in the other. blackbeard's reputation and ed's softer heart. stede's willingness to become a real pirate to follow his love. it is about everything they are capable of - everything they're both capable of - separated and divided and in opposition to one another.
this is the antithesis.
series one showed us the thesis. here is one version of these men - here is one way ed and stede can be, one way they can be together. but the way they were together in series one wasn't enough and it's important to recognise that. it wasn't enough to make it work. it wasn't enough because stede still hadn't worked through his guilt with regards to his family and because stede still won't talk it through as a crew and open up to ed. it wasn't enough because ed still hasn't reconciled himself-as-blackbeard with himself-as-ed and because he still struggles with self-worth as an individual separate from the legend he's built.
so here we have series two: if that was one version of these men, if that was one way they could be, show us the other side. the separated mermaids make those conflicts visible. they put these conflicts in direct opposition to one another, highlight how they work off one another. separated, but not in isolation - they are two sides of the same coin.
the question becomes: what are the stories we tell ourselves about each other, and about ourselves?
ed and stede both learn about each other first through stories - stede's books and black pete's dramatization, izzy's recounting of the incident with the hostages in ep 2 and following spanish jackie's. and those stories keep coming back and keep coming back. stede in ep 9 is aghast to see ed without his beard, but you can't be blackbeard without your black beard, and how are you handling this so well? which imo arises from stede's blatant expectation for ed to blackbeard them out of this situation. ed's apparent willingness to believe that stede dismissed him, or abandoned him, or refused him, the same way he did to izzy before they met.
and they both have personal myths they tell themselves - stede's disbelief in his value to other people, in his importance, while simultaneously believing in his condemnation as a murderer who can and has defiled beautiful things, including ed himself. ed's belief that he's just not those kind of people - that he isn't deserving of fine things, and that he will never have anything good given to him - he can only take it through violence (piracy), which no longer interests him, but it's the only path available to him. it's that, or death.
so they have to come up against these stories and these myths. they have to come up against themselves, against each other, against what they want and what they'll do to get it, and to see those clashes and to work their way through them. they'll have to ask what does it mean to be a man and what does it mean to be a myth and what does it mean to be a human being and to struggle with some of those answers.
this is important. this is the center of the hero's journey - this is the abyss. this is temptation. this is the ordeal. this is the major defeat, the moment where we ask, is this worth it, do i give up.
but from this: transformation. rebirth. the second, really juicy training montage set to i can do this music. synthesis, and reconciliation, and truth, and Becoming. the moment they step out of their myths and into their future. the moment when everything is finally enough - real enough, true enough, honest enough, safe enough.
when both hands open, and reach, and meet as one.
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What I like about the Knights: Bedwyr/Bedivere
I have had brainworms about this man since I first read the scene in good old Morte when I was 14 years old where he lied about throwing Excalibur into the lake. TWICE. And he only tosses it in after Arthur straight up threatens to kill him if he tries that shit again. Iconic. As such most of my love for him stems from Malory's interpretation specifically, which is funny because this motherfucker is only in the last few chapters.
To expand a bit on him lying at the end. We don't really know WHY he didn't chuck it. We know he thinks it'd cause problems, but no specifics. Did he want to use it himself? Did he think it'd help the kingdom to keep around? Was it ultimately sentimental? Selfish or selfless? Who knows!
In the older works he pops up in, he notably doesn't have any outstandingly special powers unless you count him being really good with thrusting weapons, which I don't because A) it can be read as him just being really quick and precise (which I personally find a more interesting interpretation, hard work and skill honed over a long time is way cooler than magic), and B) he gets power-creeped hard - and even then most writers either don't know or forget he's really good with swords and spears. My mans had his thunder stolen BAD.
In fact, he was the OG Prettiest Guy Who Isn't Arthur(tm), but then more Prettiest Guys Who Aren't Arthur(tm) kept getting added. So he's, unfortunately, usually shoved into the background unless someone else (usually Kay) drags a spotlight over to him.
Sidenote, I fully believe that Bedwyr and Kay are married. But really I'm just happy any time they appear together. A lot of the time the knights don't really feel like they're even friends in the 'normal human' way instead of the 'operating under 10 layers of chivalry and posturing' way, and at the very least Kay and Bedwyr actually enjoy being around each other.
Also, this motherfucker was there FROM THE BEGINNING (both in-universe and as like... a concept (he predates Jesus by a few hundred years)) and is usually the last guy left alive. But he's never a major player in anything except chucking the sword in a lake at the end. At most he's helping Kay with something or doing his job. A job he did presumably well because he held his position as Marshall for several decades and only lost it because everybody mcfucking bit it all at once.
If you want to look through a metanarrative lens, he's cursed to witness events and never influence them, but he gets one act of agency at the very end, which he gives up out of either fear or loyalty. And his reward is that he's left alone with a flippant order from his king to do whatever he wants. A lifetime of service rendered completely null and void by the complete loss of everything and everybody that he's ever known.. A lifetime of service to a system that was ultimately the root cause of the tragedy. And goddammit that's some spicy stuff to work with.
Anyway, my grand thesis statement is this: He exists in a sweet spot where he'd be an excellent POV and can be built on without in any way upsetting preestablished characterization. He's a relatively normal guy among complete and total freaks of nature (affectionate) who manages to outlive all of them. And the few things that are relatively set-in-stone about him (Close to Kay, only has one hand, there from the beginning, chucks sword into lake) are enough of a foundation to make him really interesting. To summarize:
#arthuriana#bedivere#bedwyr#arthurian shitposting#long post#blog post#The sheer potential this man holds is unparalleled#also my love for this character runs parallel to why I like a lot of the more concept-heavy parts of homestuck#because I have very specific brainworms that feed on the deconstruction and reconstruction of narrative roles
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New Apple
(Also Known as: Nott Broke, I am now writing the WKTD-Amane Cross Analysis. This is also the Trans Amane Momose Thesis)
(CWs: Cults, Child Abuse, Child Death, Body Horror, Homophobia, Transphobia.)
(Spoilers for We Know The Devil and Milgram.)
I am a unrepentant fan of the Visual Novel We Know The Devil. I love it dearly, I think it's one of the best Things ever made.
I am also a...fan, to say the least, of Amane Momose. I think about her every day. And as a result I've thought about these two things together a lot. I think there's a lot of thematically cohesion that can be derived from putting the two together.
Since this is Milgram Focused, I'm going to put an explanation for what the plot of WKTD is first before continuing.
WKTD is a 2015 VN about Three Bad Kids at a Christian Summer Camp who are sent to meet The Devil one day in a cabin in the woods. This game is about Queer Religious Horror and has great prose and you should play it-
Now, there are already comparisons that can be drawn to Amane's cult and the game's main premise, but let's discuss each of the three kids first.
No Prince For The Princesses
Starting with Jupiter. Jupiter is the tomboyish good kid of the bunch or, more accurately, tries her best to be the good kid to minimal success.
Laughing off a head injury isn't all that Jupiter's good at; she has the best grades in class, and coaches make her starter on whatever team has the most pressing need for someone who can do sports.
She's a perfect role model, except for how she always misses the winning goal and she always blanks on the last question. She leads when no one else wants to, which is always.
Jupiter can keep up until right when it matters the most. It's here where I mention Jupiter snaps a hairband against her wrist, a common tactic used as an alternative to self-harm.
Her place in the dysfunctional group of problem kids becoming clear as her issues with being the perfect good kid and her immense self-hate and loathing start to seep through. Jupiter struggles under this weight of expectations and pleasing others but tries to pretend she an:
Neptune: ascetic monk at not giving a shit.
To her own detriment, she hangs out with the Worst Group in the Camp of Worst Kids just so she can get them to stay away from her. If they just like her enough then they won't bother her. Even if she personally dislikes them and how they act.
Not that she...enjoys acting like this. She's disgusted by the idea of the Counselor liking her. Because:
Jupiter: He likes people he can make a little uncomfortable and won't give any trouble about it.
Though as Venus says, that's exactly why he likes their group.
Jupiter is someone who's resigned to reality being like this. To being considered a bad kid even though she tried so hard. Sure it's unfair and people have tried a lot less than her but:
Jupiter: You can still get better at this, if you try, you know?
Even I can say "I'm sorry"
Even I have hope
I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!
Anyway, Jupiter Kisses Girls. She Likes Women. She's a Lesbian. She has a Seven Minutes in Heaven Scene with Neptune where they Kiss-
That kiss having a lot of relevance to how (specifically) a t1 Amane attempts to approach certain taboo ideas and concepts.
Jupiter: It's not real if we don't say it out loud, right?
Amane tends to talk around things in T1. It's not immediately noticeable but it's prevalent in a lot of her speak. Specifically when taboo ideas come into play. Instead of saying anything directly she talks around it.
(Apostle and Death)
Amane: Okay! I’m kind, so I shall forgive you. That’s nice, isn’t it? If my parents were in my place, you would have been lectured for another hour.
This is my favorite example, as Amane is just calling her parents unkind here. But, Amane isn't really good at talking around things. In the same VD, when faced with the knoweldge that she's being underestimated she immdieatly talks about her genuine feelings about being treated like a child, and being talked down to because of it. Being very forward and open about her own emotions.
Outside of that we have instances of her showing interest in things that are believed to be taboo, or at least in things discouraged by her community.
(20/06/27, Amane’s Birthday)
Amane: I don’t need it.
I’ll gratefully accept your well-wishes, but I don’t eat things like that.
Also…… Shidou-san, I can’t say I’m especially fond of the way you assume that all children will love frivolous things like this.
Shidou: …………
Is that so… I apologise.
I’m sure everyone else will be happy to eat it, so don’t worry about it.
Sorry for intruding.
Amane: …………
……cake……
She even disrespects the blue flag in Purge March, the flag representing "discarding vulgarity"
Considering both how a lot of the generally aesthetics of Magic and Purge March seem to be considered frivolous. And her being forbidden to go to an amusement park.
T1Q5:When you go to an amusement park, what do you like to ride? A: That is a place I should not go to.
I think we can infer that these things are consider vulgar and wanting them anyway. She wants something outside of what she has. Something that she tries to Hide in her interrogations.
(Interrogations)
T1Q3: If you were allowed to do anything, what would you want to do?
Nothing really.
I am not lacking anything.
T1Q17: What would you do if the world ends tomorrow?
If everything ends?
Then, I might do all sorts of things
I have never done before.
(Put a pin in these interros, we are Going to come back to them.)
It's wrong to want such a thing, she knows this well. That's why she doesn't say it out loud. It's not real until she does. No one can punish her for it if she doesn't say anything.
Except...they Do. Same with Jupiter, people who didn't try as hard to get into the "proper, good girl" summer scouts got in when Jupiter didn't. Amane studies so hard and yet she only gets a 83% when Kotoko is tutoring her.
(20/06/18)
Kotoko: There, I’ve finished marking. 83%.
How do I put it… Even though you act like this, it’s not like you’re super brilliant at studying or anything, huh.
She just blanks at the last question.
Misses the winning goal.
Something about Her is...inherently holding them back from this illustrious standard of being a good girl. It's just, impossible for her to be one. She knows this herself.
Only if, only if, only if I could be a good girl
And even though she tries, she Can't do anything to change that. In the same way that no matter how hard Jupiter tries, people instinctively understand that she's something Other somehow. The both of them being harmed over and over again in an attempt to live up to ideals that they will...never be able to live up to.
The system of We Know The Devil works like this, you choose two kids and leave one behind each hour. Leave one behind enough and they become the devil. The worst kid out of all of them.
Jupiter does her best but her best is never going to be enough. So if she gets excluded enough times...
Even the best kid has the devil inside her.
Jupiter wants to touch, to hit, to pull.
Venus: I wish I could be meaner. I wish I could be so much meaner.
She's never going to be able to make up for this incessant greedy Want.
Her hairband snaps here, she can't keep the devil away for much longer, and she knows it.
Jupiter: You know, I actually liked when the captain talked about how heaven was on merit; as long as you do good things, maybe you can one day be good…
Jupiter: But then they said we don’t believe that anymore and it’s only what’s in your heart that matters.
Jupiter: Just when I think I got it right, they changed it.
Jupiter: I can try hard, but I think…
Jupiter: God knows my heart isn’t really in it. And that was my only shot, right?
Amane considers love a showcase of mercy,
T2Q9: What does love mean to you?
A: To spread mercy with no limits.
And considers her punishments love.
T2Q2: Do you believe you were loved?
A: Very much deeply.
I suppose when you think about it, trying to beat the devil out of someone is mercy.
But, you can't really do anything about it if someone does want the devil.
Jupiter: It's wrong to want such a thing, you know that, don't you? So don't do it. I still know that much.
In each color ending, the devil gets destroyed. The devil only getting one moment for whatever they wanted.
For revenge, for love, for "please take me back."
One Singular Moment to live as they are before having it burnt out of them.
...Someone had to have opened that door at the end of Purge March
(Milgram T1 Glitched Character Voicelines)
Amane: Ahh! I'm so sorry...! I'm sorry...! I'm sorry for breaking the rules!
Lukewarm, I Spit You Out
We have more bad kids to go through, so let's talk Neptune.
Neptune is, to be blunt, a self-proclaimed bitch. She doesn't act like she's supposed to belong her which is exactly why she belongs here. She uses profanities, sneaks alcohol into the camp, and the summary of this game calls her a mean girl.
Though this meanness of hers betrays a certain amount of care and worry for her group, or, at least they like to think of it that way:
Neptune is very kind or possibly super mean and hates us. But that's okay. She's really funny.
This kindness of hers comes out in many ways. She's concerned for Jupiter, trying to get her to actually give a shit about herself, especially when she does so much work.
Neptune: I mean like, aren't you doing fine?
Neptune: Aren't you trying harder than literally everyone else here?
Neptune: You're so chill about everyone's bullshit it makes me so mad and then you won't extend even the slightest of that chill to yourself and that makes me EVEN SO MADDER.
Neptune: Can't you just be a little less…good?
And wants Venus to get out of his egg, to let himself be a bit of a bitch, and stop apologizing for himself when he is doing nothing wrong.
Neptune: Wait, I got it. I dare you to not say sorry for the rest of the night.
Jupiter: Oh my god.
Venus: I can do that!
Jupiter: …can he though?
Neptune: No it's perfect.
Neptune: It'll fix something annoying, and this will make everyone's life easier, and all of us win.
Venus: Is it really annoying?
Neptune: You shouldn't have to apologize for things you don't need to apologize for.
Neptune deeply cares about the people around her, it just comes out as harsh words and actions. She wants to make Jupiter's life a living hell so that she's forced to say that it hurts.
Neptune: People are supposed to get hurt by things. It's fucked up to not. It's not good for you.
Though, as Venus calls out, the way Neptune acts doesn't fully come from self-confidence.
Venus: ...your problem Neptune is.
Venus: You think being mean is more honest.
Venus: But you're just as bad as Jupiter.
Venus: And me.
Neptune, like the other two, deeply hates herself. Like Jupiter she has a consistent "tell" that shows she's the devil. She throws up this black ichor-like substance. Poison really. The only thing she can say. She's a bad kid through and through.
Now, Amane is self-proclaimed annoying.
Es: Regardless of whether you’re a child or an adult… you are beyond annoying.
Amane: Oh, my. I am honored by your praise.
Es: As I said.
Amane: (giggles)
She takes Real Pride in being, a little shit to people.
20/06/03
Fuuta: ……huh? What’s your problem?
You’re just leaving all your meat? What a weird kid.
Amane: You say that, but you’re not eating all of your food either.
……are you not able to eat your vegetables?
Even though you’re an adult.
Fuuta: Huh, what, so you’re just eating grass? What are you, a rabbit or something?
Since you’re just a brat, you should be eating your meat properly.
You won’t grow if you don’t.
Amane: ……you make some really funny jokes, don’t you, Fuuta-san.
This behavior is mostly present in T1, mostly cause T1 is Amane's testing period. She's trying to see what she can get away with. These behaviors disappearing by T2 because she learns that she can't get away with much. Introducing us to a less playful, more angry and genuinely despairing Amane.
(Of Blessedness and Punishment)
Amane: This is unforgivable! I won’t forgive you! (screams)
That isn't to say Amane doesn't genuinely want to help out though, even with her more aggressive attitude. In fact she goes out of her way to "help" Fuuta and responds to Yuno's questions and worries honestly and patiently.
(23/06/27, Amane’s Birthday)
Yuno: By the way, Amane.
Have you ever wished you were never born?
I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something.
So I kinda wondered if you thought like that.
Amane: ……I don’t think that.
Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences, and is something to celebrate.
Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.
Amane is kind, genuinely so. She helps the cat, she tries her best to "guide" people back to the better path. The problem is, is that her want to help gets tied up in her community and her worldview. Causing more harm than she would like, it's almost like she can only spit out doctrine when that isn't the case.
Amane: Hm. Is that so? Are the prisoners who weren’t forgiven feeling lost right now? Maybe they need our faith as well.
Outside of that, Amane is rather opinionated, she tries to keep it down but it seeps out anyway. She's expressed numerous times her frustration with being treated like a child (ie: being treated like she has no rights of her own.) And expresses that openly and bluntly.
(20/06/13)
Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand.
If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad……
Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right.
I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san.I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own.
What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself?
It's easy to call her annoying or petulant for this, especially when Shidou (seemingly) is just concerned for how how a child is in prison of murders. And again she Does act annoying on purpose.
But Shidou is being actively patronizing and forcing his view of Amane Onto her. When Amane rebukes this, instead of apologizing or reevaluating he dismisses what she says. Something that deeply frustrates her.
Neptune: I'm an evil bad slut right? I'm a bitch and a flirt.
Neptune: I'm a bitch because I let people know when they walk over me.
Neptune: I'm a flirt because boys keep talking at me.
Neptune: And this is somehow my problem, because they can't get over themselves and leave me alone?
Neptune: How is that fair? Why should I get hurt by that? It makes me so mad!
Neptune: Why would I be anything but MAD about all this stupid obnoxious BULLSHIT.
You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already
Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?
Amane cares a lot about being treated Properly, about the people around her being treated Properly. She can't really...accept injustice. She broke one of her cult's doctrines because she wanted wrap up what was probably a Small Wound at worst judging by the state of the cat. She's not going to waver just because the people around her believe otherwise.
Amane: ……I’m fine.
I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about, but I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it.
It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something.
I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either……
Amane believes in the idea that people can get better, and wants to see people get better even if she can't. She's going to help even if she has to be Violent to do so.
Neptune: You asked me to come out. So I'm coming out.
The door opens and it's her but it's not her
She grabs Venus and crushes him against the wall like he's a little doll.
Amane: Don’t you think it’s a good opportunity to be reborn?
If, right now, you could shake off those around you trying to drag you down to depravity, and could change––
When Neptune's the devil she forcibly tries to turn the other two kids into the devil alongside with her. She knows this whole situation is a nightmare and wants to force the two into accepting who they really are, even if it meant hurting them.
Why should they be the ones to suffer when their trying so hard to be good? Why should they be suffering when they already ARE good?
Neptune: Doesn't it feel unfair? You're already good, so why do you have to try so hard to be good? It makes me mad. They want you to prove you're good. But you're already so good. What is that? Why do they do that?
We must not give into them, they are the ones that should be judged
Why does She need to prove that she's righteous when the people around her can break the same rules she does and get away with no consequences?
I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow
Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart
It's just so Unfair. Why is she the one getting hurt for no good reason? Why was the cat the one who got hurt for something that wasn't even its fault? It's just not right. None of this is right.
Neptune: Does that kid look happy to you? Well I guess we have different opinions and you will have to stop me from making him into what he is trying very hard not to be.
Help Me God, I'm In Love
We have one more kid to go through.
Venus is known for being very much a doormat, and very easy to push around. A small detail when their sitting down to listen to the Bonfire Captain's story is that Venus tries his best not to take up space.
Venus sits with his legs crossed, taking up as little space as he can, which is at most not very much.
And As mentioned before he constantly apologizes for himself, even when it isn't even his fault. That dare Neptune gives him? He immdieatly fails it, the sorry is an instinct, he does it automatically.
Though even then, Venus is known to be...a bit of a little shit. Maybe even quite Mean. He has a bite to his words and can be extremely judgemental. Not that he seems to notice .
Jupiter: Do you think he notices how much of a jerk he is sometimes?
Neptune: I wish.
Amane: An arts university, though…… Does that mean you’re good at drawing, then?
It may be a bit rude to say, but that’s rather unexpected.
(I Love how Amane implies that she thought Mikoto was too boring to be an artist. Incredible.)
Not only that but he's strongly opinionated, often surprising the people around him with them and how pointed and critical he can be. The people around him being so used to how shy and docile he seems.
Jupiter: Why not you. You're safe. You're like a puppy. You're harmless.
Venus: …did you lose your nerve?
Jupiter: Except when you talk.
He doesn't mean to be mean on purpose, he doesn't even like being mean, but it just comes out of him. He can't stop himself. He's so angry and bitter about certain things that his real feelings bleed out of him.
Neptune: Wow Venus I'm ALMOST impressed.
Neptune: You are, deep down, kind of a little shit.
Venus: I didn't mean it in a mean way. I wasn't teasing.
Neptune: That's so much worse, Venus.
Venus: I guess I just don't get it?
Venus: I don't like being mean and I don't want to be mean so I try really hard not to be mean.
Venus: I don't get any of the 'just kidding' because it's not just kidding.
But Venus is easy to pick on, he smiles weirdly, he tries his best to avoid causing too much conflict, and the idea that Venus is "not like the other boys" get floated around pretty early depending on what interactions you chose, and Jupiter and Neptune discuss this their 10AM interaction:
Neptune: Are you seriously worried about him?
Jupiter: Maybe. A little.
Jupiter: He's weird. Not in a bad way, necessarily?
Jupiter: But maybe in a bad way, possibly.
Jupiter: Sometimes I don't even know what he is.
Jackalope: That isn’t even really Amane Momose anymore. You’ve awakened something much bigger.
There's something....different about Venus, like Jupiter and Neptune before him. Everyone can tell, and thus treats him differently for it but he's just not exactly sure what that...Is.
And it's so Frustrating.
Venus: …I don't know what's wrong with me.
Venus: But I can't. Not when it comes to this.
Jupiter: What is "this"?
Venus: Whatever they want out of me that's not fixing radios.
Venus: To be tougher? To grow up? To-what's that?
He's jealous, so deeply jealous of Jupiter and Neptune and he doesn't even know why.
Venus: I'm mad about a lot of things I guess.
Jupiter: Liar
Jupiter: You're not mad.
Jupiter: You're jealous.
Jupiter: Why are you so jealous.
Jupiter: It's flattering. But it's weird.
Venus: I don't know.
Muu: ……hey, are you listening to me? What are you staring at……?
Amane: I’m not staring at anything.
Muu: Liar, you definitely are……
Amane: ……cake……
He wants...something from them, he doesn't know what but it's something important to him. Something that would make him feel like he's himself and not...whatever he is. It's not even like he necessarily minds being different. He doesn't even think he can be anything else.
Venus: I know I'm bad at getting anyone to like me and I'm weird and everyone else can deal even though I can't, but I can't.
Venus: I'm just going to be like this. I'm not going to be any different.
Jupiter: You're asking to get beat up.
Venus: I don't care.
T2Q20: How do you feel about you not being like everyone else?
A: Nevertheless I was born as myself,
so I'm happy.
This deep want appears in Everything he does. Everything he does is to somehow get that Thing he Wants the Most. He can attribute it to something else but everyone can tell he wants Something.
Neptune: Venus, your problem is that you are very nice. But you want something. And you think being nice is going to give it to you. But it never will. And until you figure out what it is you want. Every kindness of yours will be full of that want.
Amane: Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world!
Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!
That isn't to say he Isn't afraid of being found out. Of having the kind of person he is being revealed. In a game of truth or dare he chooses dare because:
Venus: I mean, it's kinda like Jupiter said? Truth is embarrassing and dares could get you hurt. Getting hurt is way less scary.
But then the contradiction of this gets pointed out to him, people can be embarrassing with dares as well. It's easy to hurt and embarrass someone.
I've already mentioned that Amane hides...a lot, she tends to talk around things and use double meanings and what not. But she also doesn't want to seem frivolous or wasteful. She wants to stay seeming mature and smart and pure. Being immature is dangerous to her, another reason for people to view her as useless and weak. Another reason to get hurt.
She isn't that. She can prove it. She's not greedy or materialistic.
Venus: I don't want to be strong. I don't want to be that sort of person at all.
She doesn't want anything.
Venus: I want them within me and without me. All through and about me. I want feathers in my lungs and eyes on my skin. I want my heart to see and my lungs to fly.
Nothing at all.
T1Q17: What would you do if the world ends tomorrow?
If everything ends?
Then, I might do all sorts of things
I have never done before.
This is when I reveal Venus is Trans.
Venus is Trans! She uses She/Her, I've been using He/Him for her previously to reveal she's trans like how the VN reveals she's trans.
Venus wants to reveal the truth, to be seen as she is, to have:
That wing to see the truth and that eye to lay it bare.
She wants to be honest and live as herself. To really Be Her. When she becomes the devil she says it's nobody's fault but hers. She wants this. She wants this so much.
She's not doing it cause she was forced or coerced she did it cause she Wanted To. She wanted to do it so badly. She does it with such glee it's honestly terrifying. She killed out of hate and duty and Enjoyed It.
The devil is lonely. We kicked out the devil and it must miss us. It keeps begging to be let back, to let it in.
And Amane Did.
Smoke and Honey
Amane Momose is undeniably monster-coded.
Jackalope: That isn’t even really Amane Momose anymore. You’ve awakened something much bigger.
Amane: Right now, I am both Amane Momose and I am not. I am speaking on behalf of our faith.
Amane: Yes. It is only natural for a person(/human) to apologize to another for breaking a promise.
Es: …
Amane: Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?
This happy pinky promise hurts to break
There's so much to discuss that if I did do it in detail we would get so set off track very badly, but Amane Momose is Other. She's the Other, she's not human. She's never Been Human. Atleast not by the standards of her cult.
In the Milgram Cat Symbolism, Cats has been highly associated with sin. Yuno portrays her cat self as the most honest but also sinful version of herself. Kazui does the same. Amane being the cat, implicates her as a sinful force in the world. Something dangerous and terrifying that needs to be destroyed.
Amane Momose, somehow, is a threat to normal human existence (at least in the existence of the cult.) She's too opinionated, too dedicated, too Bad of a kid. Having her exist at all as she is, is a threat. She doesn't Want to stop being herself, she's supposed to want to stop. Humans aren't supposed to act like she acts. What if that stubbornness was directed at something against the cult?
Adults also hate perfect kids who love the world so much they can't stop themselves from saving it.
We Need to Destory The Devil No Matter What or Who it is. To choose someone to act as the scapegoat, the worst girl, the one kid too weird, too strange, too threatening.
What does Amane do? She's already a liability, just a child, useless and unhelpful. What if she was destructive? Better to teach her now to be better, right?
It's not like she isn't destructive, it's true. She does harm. Horrible harm actually. I completely understand wanting to restrain her for those reasons.
But, she had One Moment, and it was ripped away from her.
Jupiter: If I taste what it's like, I know, there's no way I'll be happy being human ever again.
I Wonder what else is left for her now.
#milgram#cw child abuse#amane momose#cw cults#milgram analysis#milgram meta#it is MIDNIGHT#I wrote this in Two Days and Two Long Sessions#Im telling you guys this VN is important reading for Amane Momose purposes#I also dont know how to beta read theres probably a quadrillion mistakes
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i'm not saying that tom doesn't *actually* love shiv but what i am saying is that there is genuinely an isolated sort of sadness to the end of a relationship, literally no matter what happened in that relationship. like look at how many couples repeatedly cheat on each other and fight and break up and just keep getting back together bc regardless of the strife, to so many people, it simply feels worth it to Be Together. to have a partner. i spent a good half of a 2+ years long relationship thinking (albeit on and off) about how much i wanted out of it and how inevitable a breakup was, and wished that i could just one day wake up into the reality where it wasn't a thing - only to be inexplicably shocked when he broke up with me, and to try to fix it and convince him that the relationship was fine, and then be depressed about that breakup and incapable of pursuing other relationships for basically a whole year after. like, attachment to a person (and subsequently the love of them) is very often rooted in the stability that they bring to your life, whether much happiness is part of that stability or not. that's what tom means by the sad with shiv vs the sad without shiv. actual happiness isn't a promised part of either option, but in one of them he has a partner, someone he's known for years.
as far as the love he has for shiv as its own independent concept, i'd just really love to see it get deconstructed, since we can mean so many different things when we say love, and our cultural expectations for how it's expressed and the relationships we grew up seeing as an ideal are so incredibly wrapped up in that. you could say people love simply when they want to, and the definition of it is subjective due to being immeasurable, that for each person love is whatever they decide in any moment to call love - and further, there's all the factors that can even go into that Decision alone. this also of course means that the *feeling* of love in and of itself is not a good reason or justification for anything as it relates to yourself and other people who feel love differently, least of all huge committments. like marriage. it's just far from enough.
love is romanticized as a feeling but it's also a choice, because emotions are fluid and mutable and some people/cultures understand this more intuitively than others. i think tom is one of those people, as it seems pretty clear that "this person makes me happy" is not a prerequisite for him to say that he loves someone. meanwhile shiv, i think, grapples a lot with this. she loves tom because she clearly does make those choices, but because she doesn't love tom in the way that he needs her to - the passionate, romantic western ideal, that is, aka the way the average person wants it - she probably sometimes wonders whether or not she actually does, and it makes her feel bad about herself. she tries to deflect, to decide that actually no it's LOVE that IS the problem, love is bullshit, it's made up, etc. the main thing that she has ever clung to re: defining her relationship with tom as a positive one is their history together, and the subsequent fact that tom uniquely understands her and is/was capable of comforting her.
all this to say that I really do think that a bit of the thesis of tomshiv IS the fact that love is not enough, exemplified by shiv's monologue about love on their wedding night. shiv was right that love is a million different things, but (i'd argue) she's wrong that thats a bad thing. what both tom and shiv missed, too, was that there's affection, there's desire, there's commitment, and most importantly there's compatibility. and the lack of those things between them consistently is why they simply cannot and should not work.
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what are some of your favorite ships with your oc? -For Liesel and Stefan <3 <3
ORIGINAL CHARACTER QUESTIONS & HEADCANONS
@myhiraeth
OKAY SO, I will say this first that what's listed below is in no particular order of most to least. Nor is it all my ships which I adore all of them, but these ships are the ones I get to do/write/talk about most.
SO FIRST OFF WE'RE STARTING WITH YOU SINCE U SENT THE ASK-
JASON & LIESEL- Were our first ship?? AND BOY DOES IT SLAP. I love love Jaseliese for each other because its that sweet niche of misunderstood almost-bad boy and soft nerd girl. They have this fantastic I love you despite what anyone says because we know this love is RARE. I think I will always be able to think of new aus for them because they have new mountains to climb together which make it so much fun and I adore them so much. I feel like they recognize each other's selves in each other (if that makes sense) like if things had worked out differently they could've been each other as well because they're both soft hearted, fierce for those they love and love lit that had things been switched they'd be each other still and value what they see in the other. I just adore them ok ok??
STYXX & LIESEL- ok HERES MY THING THO....how tf did Styxx and Liese meet???? YEAH I DONT KNOW EITHER BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT THEY WORK. Styxxliese is a match made in heaven. Sheer perfection. What was their first date? IDK. Who kissed who first? IDK? But we do know what their apartment looks like, what their wedding looks like, what they look like together lounging....WE SET UP EVERYTHING ELSE but the beginnings and i fuckin love it. THAT IS WHEN U KNOW IT MESHES. It just *works*. He has enough heart and wisdom and hope in humanity and sees the best of it in her and she sees this kind, wise and hopeful person who has every reason not to be and they just love each other for it.
STEFAN & CERCI- OUR EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED CHILDREN. Ah, steferci, I could write a thesis about but I won't because this would be a ridiculously long post. Stefan and Cerci had that immediate styxxliese like connection that I'm like 99% certain that within 3x of meeting they were already half in love. Their chemistry is off the charts and they're steely walls just melt for each other. I cannot believe how quickly this came together but I am so here for it. He's just turned this emotionally repressed soldier into a puddle for her. They love each other for their flaws and appreciate their strengths and admire in the other what they do not have themselves and its fantastic- I LOVE it.
@lordofthestrix
TRISTAN & LIESEL- They were NOT supposed to be a ship. I went into their interactions with the full intention of 'i'm lucky that he wants to ship with olga and that's all.' and yet here we are deep into the multiverse of alternate universes for these two. I don't know how that happened and I still don't know how Tristan isn't thoroughly irritated with Liesel yet, but here we are with her ready to destroy an imperial family and revolutionize a country to maintain a timeline to save the future she has with him. If that's note love I don't know what is? Tristliese is this wonderfully fun and complex ship that always keeps me on my toes and has been such an amazing delightful ride of creativity.
@paramounticebound
KHAN & LIESEL- Were absolutely not supposed to be a ship on my end of things IDK about you, but for me I absolutely didn't intend for this ship. Everyone wants to ship with a villain and I thought it'd be much more fun to befriend the villain. To see the push and pull of these two very intelligent characters on complete opposite ends of the spectrum....and yet HERE WE ARE. I was so sURE he was going to shoot her out an airlock and we are waist deep in aus and them being ridiculously passionately gravitationally drawn to each other which is so *fascinating* to me. I loove the sharp contrast of his intensity and her softness, his intention and her caution. They're this fantastic polar opposite spectrum of a relationship that is absolutely WONDERFUL. I cannot wait to see where else we take them.
@holyguardian
AERITH & LIESEL- OKAY BUT....this ship has ALWAYS STUCK WITH ME and its the most chaotic and fun thing. Like I never ever expected Liese to have a girlfriend because she swings 98% of the time for the boys, but Aerith has that voodoo and Liesel adores her. SO MUCH. And I know we haven't talked about them *that* much but its something that lives rent free in my brain 24/7 because I just love all the details we pulled out together for them as a couple. How they dress, how they shop, how they take care of each other and its just so WHOLESOMELY CHAOTIC that I had to throw it here in the list <3
@walkingshcdow
RAHADIN & LIESEL- okay so we have had SO MANY ships over the years and especially with Liesel that I can't just pick one from our bajillion so since I know you're mostly dnd oriented I thought I'd toss these two out here. Rahadin and Liesel have such a fantastic slow burn that I absolutely love no matter what AU its in. I think the only AU where they don't slowburn is Selkie au for obvious reasons. Liesel loves the soft soul that is still there willfully beating in his chest and he admires her for managing to keep that same softness in a world like Barovia where there's little compassion to be had. They're a fantastic couple.
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Okay so, Playboyy episode 1, the bad first :
the acting is so rough in parts. And in some scenes it's fine cause that cannot be easy to play, but in others I'm just like. what the fuck are you doing. As often in those cases I'm left wondering if it's a "we didn't have the money for enough takes" issue, an actors direction issue, or if I'm missing something.
the show flip-flops between visually intriguing and/or visually funny and absolute & total blandness in a way I cannot make sense of.
The good :
Love how deliberately not sexy most of the sex scenes/kinks are. The terrible "cop" outfit ? the cringy flirting ? the standard porn lines in japanese ? incredible. it's funny, it's an interesting change of pace from the usual BL sex scenes and getting rid of the glamour feels relevant in an episode which has for whole thesis that everyone has to contend with sex one way or another
Like i said, the show is really visually fun sometimes. Not beautiful, I wouldn't say beautiful, but I'm enjoying seeing sets that have had a lot of thoughts put into their design. The choice to go for the #aesthetic rather than realism is great imo, especially when you compare how "normally' the playboyys are filmed during their little get together with the lush, absurd environment the rich boys evolve in. it's fully two different worlds and I love that.
speaking of #aesthetics I want to kiss whoever was responsible for costume design on the mouth. Those characters are dressed the way you'd draw them if you wanted them to stand out in a reader's mind. Real manga charadesign vibes. I fucking love it.
Nont (or is it Nant ? why do they have such similar names T-T) was on screen for so little time and still managed to have real impact on me. I'm invested in him, I'm invested in his quest, and his smug "you wouldn't know, you don't have a mother" was so mean - I love him already.
Probably controversial but I really liked the tense music/almost scare chords over Zouey trying to masturbate like. the guy's complicated relationship with his own pleasure is interesting and i. idk, I'm sure it broke immersion for a lot of viewers but it worked on me, I felt real unease both times.
The "could go either way" :
I have no idea how they're going to deal with Zouey's reticence toward sex in the future and I'm a little wary. So far I have no complaints but. you know.
Listen I am fully team playboyy and I don't think we're meant to take their "scamming those poor, fragile men" scene completely at face value given that it's their ass on the line if things go wrong but at the same time i don't trust tvshows to be fair to sex workers so. we'll see. I have hopes though.
Random thoughts :
I went from "Zouey what are you hiding ?" to "oooh noooo sweety" real fast, only to go back to "what the fuck are you hiding" toward the end, so at least the show is commited to keeping me guessing, which I appreciate
wow, Zouey's friends are dicks. also I get hat guy's annoyance at rich client's antics but like. not Zouey's fault, and I'm pretty sure anyone would refuse a blowjob if they had to lie on that coffee table with their hand behind their back for it. that shit looked terribly uncomfy even for someone experienced and you already know Zouey isn't. I know I said I was team playboyys but give that guy a break
how many kinks does First have ? put some back on the shelf honey you can't carry them all.
Nont (Nant ?) recording his investigation seems risky as hell but given the number of time we see the boys filming stuff/recording stuff/watching vids (and to a lesser extent Zouey's painting and all the shots through windows/glassdoors etc) I don't mind. I assume they're going somewhere with it and if they don't it contributes to the Vibes (also known as themes, probably).
I don't even think I've met all the characters in the opening and I've already seen three blowjobs. Not complaining, I'm impressed.
speaking of that, who is that scholarship student with the camo pants and white tank top ? he said like one sentence but I've already imprited on him.
kinda wish i could take an "east asian gay porn 101" class because I know I'm missing stuff ! I can feel it !
OBSESSED with that "play with me" tattoo. it's in such poor taste i could cry of joy.
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My deepest, most pessimistic fear about art...
...is that it doesn't matter anymore.
That's the anxiety that has been laying like a lump in the back of my throat for a few years now, and has been one of the mental blocks keeping me from wanting to draw.
In this post, I'm specifically talking about 2D art like illustration, photography, and painting, especially cases where it doesn't communicate any sort of immediately obvious narrative or message. In other words, a 2D piece of art that is primarily aesthetic or simply just nuanced or opaque.
I have been trying not to post how I feel about this because it is bleakly pessimistic and depression-ish. I definitely don't want any other artists to read this thought and let it demotivate them, like I'm proposing this as some sort of thesis. It's really just my own personal anxiety, and not a passing judgment on anyone who isn't feeling as down as me. It's not you, it's me. I want to be still drawing like you are.
What do I mean by "doesn't matter anymore"?
CW: doomposting, pessimism, venting, ranting
I guess what I mean is that it feels like this type of art (non-narrative, no clear message) feels like it doesn't hold value in people's life anymore. And honestly, I'll include myself in that critique too, because I'm not any better.
The thing that I mostly point the blame at, like a cranky old man, is the way that Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram work.
I don't think that infinite scroll timelines or one-tap Likes have had any kind of positive impact on art.
I've been posting my art online for like 15 years.
Spend enough years on the internet and you'll have been showered, practically drowned, in amazing art. Incredible illustrations and paintings made by really talented and hardworking people. In a matter of minutes you can scroll past dozens of stellar pieces, posted by people in real time. They could be works that in any other time or circumstance, you would marvel at and study. Maybe make it your desktop wallpaper. Maybe order to put up on your wall.
But, obviously, the most likely thing you or I will do is enjoy it for 2 seconds and scroll past. At most, maybe give it a Like and a Share.
Again, to be clear, I don't think this is true for all forms of art and expression. Comics, animations, games, memes, even art with a really pointed caption still feels like it can get a emotional and specific response out of people. It communicates and clicks with people, often regardless of technical quality (and that's a good thing!) The shittiest scribbled reaction image or meme comic will speak profoundly to people, and I love that.
But simply a piece of art that looks good and is well made?
It feels like it's losing the power to click with people or demand their attention.
I feel like I've disrespected hundreds of artists by scrolling past or Liking their posts and not engaging with their work in any meaningful way.
My timelines are simply way too saturated with amazing art. It all blurs together until "amazing art" doesn't mean anything at all anymore. It doesn't spark any sort of emotion or curiosity in me. It's simply nice window-dressing in my digital life. It's basically the same thing as a banner ad, except it creates 2 seconds of subconcious joy instead of 2 seconds of subconscious annoyance. Towards something that a person put their heart and soul into.
To try to combat this numbing experience, I've started unfollowing artists to try to keep my timeline trim and keep myself sane. Not artists who I love and click with on a deeper level, to be clear, but artists who I follow because they "drew some nice Marios" or they "drew a cute frog" or they draw "incredible lush anime illustrations" and I wanted more of them on my timeline over the years. Now I scroll past their work and feel nothing at all, it feels like visual noise and distraction, and I feel guilty for even thinking that way.
It feels like we are a far cry from galleries, art magazines, or honestly even just the old way that DeviantArt and Livejournal and Oekaki Boards functioned as ways to gather and find art. Circumstances in which you might treasure a particular piece for aesthetic and nebulous vibe reasons, and really study it and interact with it and let it grow in your heart. Online, maybe you'd be much more likely to leave a comment. Now, I think visual "content" has just lost value by how much of it we see every day. Specifically because of smartphones.
Yes, maybe I'm just getting older and losing my childlike joy for sharing art with others. Maybe I'm just disillusioned with social media. Maybe my interests are just changing.
But it makes me feel like all this incredible work, which takes hours to create from years of dedication, doesn't matter and isn't forging any sort of link between artist and viewer.
I want to draw more and improve at the craft but when I do, it's just some dumb frog or cute girl or Mario or anime character and I feel like what's the point of even posting this? I scroll past it like it's spam on my own timeline, why the hell wouldnt anyone else do the same to me? And god forbid if I post something and it doesn't get a lot of Likes, I get that childish embarassment that you've probably felt if you have let your brain get hooked on metrics.
That sensation stops me from drawing, or studying form and color and anatomy, or improving. It makes me want to pivot to something else, like gag comics or writing prose or making games, where the viewer is FORCED to spend more than 5 seconds on it simply by nature of consuming it.
I see artists who I love and support with all of my heart make amazing stuff and it just gets drowned on the timeline and nobody on the internet ever seems to see it. Because they're already looking at too much art from the people they already follow. I try to mitigate this feeling by trying to support the artists I love as much as I can. Through comments or through money.
But I still feel hopeless sometimes.
And now...people are using fucking machines to type in text prompts and get the Beautiful, Amazing, Aesthetic art that is meant to be Looked At without even having to make it themselves. It just gets spit out and they post it. And they wait for Likes, just like artists do. And if they can make pin-ups, landscapes, portraits, and characters...why the fuck should I even pick my pen up and keep doing it?
I know this is grumpy and depressed and it's sour grapes. There will never be "too much art" and the solution isn't "post less drawings." The solution is not "give up." I know it's just a me problem.
But when I see the internet drowning in years of pleasant or cute or aesthetically pleasing art pieces that we all just scroll past with barely a thought, it makes me wonder what the hell I'm even bothering with.
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WIP Update - Replace Their Bones with Doll Parts
I've decided to try to write a more coherent post on some of the recent progress on the novel. For those who read my intro post, I did change the pronoun in the title (I can't decide on if I should use "he" or "they" solely because, well, Cyril's not really a he by the end of the novel).
I did make some changes to a chapter I talked about in an earlier post (Anatomy Practice), but for this update, I'm going to focus on some overarching stuff + a later chapter that I worked on recently.
I will, though, reiterate this paragraph because I'm obsessed with it:
I'll talk about it another time, because of FUCK does this need a longer separate post (I call it the I guess thematic thesis of the novel in a way?? in how it establishes a LOT of Cyril's mental state throughout the novel and gives us the starting point from which he somehow manages to keep going downhill).
Immaculate Perpetuation
The chapter title comes from two terms relating to the Virgin Mary (or versions of the Virgin): immaculate conception, and Our Lady of Perpetual Health. Except, a big thing in this book is continuing cycles of generational abuse as well as toxic dynamics, so I sort of mashed things together into this.
To make it clear again in this post, Cyril's mixed: his father is a rich white guy, his mother is Latinx (Central American specifically, the country isn't specified for reasons so I won't say it but for reference my parents are Salvadoran). Cyril looks like his mother a LOT. She also had significant issues physically and mentally during and after pregnancy. All of this has led to them having an extremely strained relationship where they hardly interact.
Anyways. Cyril imagines whether or not she wanted to drown him during baptism (TW for imagined infanticide I guess??)
To be very clear, this didn't happen. He's spiraling.
The first sentence references a (still not quite edited) part about her ignoring him when he cried as a baby, as told to him by his older half-brother.
At the end of this chapter, he has a dream about drowning in a womb.
(Fun fact: I started editing this section during @coffeeandcalligraphy's livestream the other day. I asked for permission before tagging. If you read this Rachel, I deeply apologize but figure you may appreciate the disaster main character content lmao.)
Lines that I'd like to also mention:
His skin raisins, his insides burning.
Trying to play with verbs more? This isn't my best, just one I appreciate.
He is a body and he is a wound.
I was going to post that whole paragraph, but I'm not super happy with it yet.
Also, this isn't part of this chapter, but it's got a similar theme.
He's my babygirl.
I'm going to wait since this post is long enough, but other excerpts I definitely want to share include the vampire dream (it's relevant I swear) and possibly some of the more religious imagery, in which I cannot figure out if Cyril is comparing himself to Jesus, Judas, or the snake. Or all three. Genuinely would love to make a uquiz out of this.
#polaris writes#i'm not sure how quite to tag this but im going to use some for just the project#for organization reasons#and i'll go back and tag other posts similarly#honestly this isnt my BEST writing probably but i like it so im posting it#replace their bones with doll parts#yes i call it shorter things when talking about it with friends#also cyril's name is vaguely pretentious on purpose his dad is white and i couldn't think of a better name after seeing it somewhere#fun fact there are two st cyrils! ive added a normal amount of religious symbolism!#writeblr
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Do you have any chrysalis snippets you could share mayhaps?
I love you for this, anything to get me away from my thesis. I don't have that much energy to write creatively these days, but I do have this:
It's one afternoon, scorching hot and tired as all hell, that he stumbles into his house with the lull of painkillers fresh in his blood and his father leaned against the living room wall.
"Are you and that hybrid kid together?" He asks before Tubbo has the chance to breathe, no pretense at all because that isn't something he's known for these days. It's mostly the bitter red whiskey at his side, the Old Jameson's with his name on it. "I found a spare toothbrush in the bathroom. Junior's got some real sharp teeth on 'im." He's not drunk enough to slur his words yet, at least not more than usual, so today must have been good.
Tubbo's glad.
His father deserves good days.
"Yes we are, pa," he tells him, every bit cautious as he is sincere. There's much more nuance to it, in reality, but this ends the conversation better than starts it, better than denial that none of them are good at, anyway, especially not in front of each other.
"He make you happy?"
It's a good day for sure, then. Because he doesn't ask specifics and he doesn't curse him out for being weak and falling in love.
Tubbo feels his right ear flick. "Yeah. Yeah he does."
There's a curious glint in his father's slanted eyes, then, something warm and… Relieved, almost.
Tubbo can hear the baseball match from the living room, TV loud enough he could discern which team was winning even from behind the heavy-wood entrance. One of the players just hit a homerun. To his credit, his father's eyes keep on him, with the same sticky warmth from a few seconds ago.
"'m happy for you, kiddo."
There's sweet residue on the washed out plywood of the hallway–likely liquor–something he'll have to clean up sooner rather than later, along with the rest of the house. His shirt smells horribly so. There are remains of god knows what behind his fingernails, despite the single-use gloves and all the washing and soap, just clinging to his skin like he didn't wish anything more to be clean. His eyes are full of burnt flour.
"Your pops loves you, kid. Hope ya know that," he says.
#there's also the kids being very silly and in love#this one is kinda inspired by the burger conflict#and how Ranboo deals with his feelings of abandonment#and how Tubbo loves the world around him quietly#beeduo chrysalis#the askers!
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Vampires in Broad Daylight
Having finished Interview with the Vampire with Walter, we found ourselves discussing the subject matter while under the covers. I was already snuggled up against him last night, eyes closed, but with my mind still fully active. He did as he usually does in these moments, and followed along while his pinched airways made him snore every other sentence. You could've sworn we were both asleep, but Walt's slight gestures when he raised a point, or his raising and lowering eyebrows, would've betrayed that we were in the midst of an interesting bit of discourse.
Back when Neil Jordan gave it his shot, all the Straights ever saw involved pretty monsters doing monstrous things to each other. Jordan's treatment buried the gay subtext under moral quandaries and enough sentiment to make even Herman Hesse's ghost tell Rice to tone it down. Now we've got a version vetoed by Christopher Rice himself, and the gay subtext isn't sub anymore. Louis de Pointe du Lac and Lestat de Lioncourt are gay. That's the series' beginning thesis. That reframes a few things interestingly - and posits that before being the "Brat Prince", Lestat was - and likely still is - a toxic individual to be around.
Walter started telling me about one of his earlier trysts, before he knew to embrace his own nature and to pursue love out of the perception that he deserved it. There was this guy, or so he tells me, who was the very picture of success. Clean-cut, fit, dressed to the nines in a way that made Sartoriophiles like Walter sweat bullets, cultured, pleasant to be around - and supposedly a living god in the bedsheets. Walter hung out with him for a few years, in the seventies. He rode the best cars, booked the best restaurants, and made Walt feel like someone finally appreciated him.
Then the microaggressions started. Tiny comments on Walter's weight, on his choice of tailoring, on the Marketing firm he was working in as a junior associate, at the time. On the food he ate, on how he snored in bed. On how he never had enough stamina to finish, when he took the lead. On how Walt was, and is, the type to roll over and fall asleep after sex. The truth is the guy didn't want to bare his soul or listen to Walter after doing the deed, he wanted to talk about himself. After doing exactly that for eight hours prior.
Walter didn't exist under this particular ex's wing. He merely survived. Walter ended up killing him - professionally - by exposing just how bloated our buddy's Expenses account was.
"Vampires exist," Walter told me. "They're the walking beacons, torches in the gloom of a Christmas afterparty. They've got more life than you or I combined - and everything is endlessly and forever about them."
His other hand rounded his gut and gently raised my head up. He had this precise look I keep falling for - a mixture of tiredness and boundless love; like we're not partners on equal footing for a minute or two, but I'm also existing as someone he also has avuncular fondness for; in parallel to the love that pulls us together.
I'm both his lover and the son he's never had.
"For every ounce of me you took over the past five years," he tells me, "you've given me a pound of your own. Your care, your attention, your time and your kindness - and you're always here, Grem. You listen, and you inspire me to keep doing the same. It feels like this jackoff sapped years out of me, and you make me feel twenty years younger."
I'm fighting to stay awake. "Even when we disagree on things?"
He smiled. "Especially when we disagree on things. We're constructive towards one another, and we're never so angry that we can't go back to one another, if you've noticed. We rephrase, reframe and apologize if need be... We work. We're not feeding off of one another, we're..."
He briefly lets me go to bring his hands together in a steeple. "We're feeding one another, instead," he says. "Not like parasites, though."
"We try and be symbiotic," I mumble. Walter repeats the word, mulls it over, I feel him nodding. He grunts in assent and his breaths start to deepen.
I wake up a few hours later. It's the middle of the night, I've rolled over on my side and Walt and I are spooning. I feel his head move slightly on the pillow, between his intakes and exhales. He's hugged me close without being too tight.
I remember Claudia's line about Lestat and Louis' breaths synching, when they share a coffin. Walt's pulse matches mine beat-for-beat. His exhales faintly smell of his Saturday evening pipe, like rythmic caresses on the nape of my neck.
You've got vampires who fizzle out after sapping the life-force out of everything they touch. Inconstant lovers who see themselves as a gift from God when they're more of an Infernal punishment. Maybe some vampires are like Walt and I, then: we give each other strength and I'm filled with the notion that the count of our years doesn't matter.
If I only get ten, maybe twenty good years with him, then these will be our Forever. Within the limits of that span of time, we'll effectively feel timeless.
#interview with the vampire#lestat#gay#relationships#toxic relationships#positive relationships#vampires#thoughts#life post
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#10 or #34 with nurseydex 🤫
thank you em!! i love you i hope you like it <3 (also read on ao3)
Number 10 is Tequila Shots by Kid Cudi
Gotta take a minute, y'all, traveled far
Feelin' somethin', no, I can't ignore my instincts
[…]
Something 'bout the night that keep me safe and warm
Just me, the universe, and everything I think
If there's one thing Nursey knows, it's that time flies.
It feels like yesterday that he stepped foot on the campus at Samwell for the first time for the Taddy Tour, fresh-faced with quiet excitement thrumming under his skin as he took in Faber, the Quad, Founders. And now he has moved back into the Haus after summer break for the very last time.
This is it. This is senior year unfolding in front of him with every breath he takes and there's nothing he can do to slow it down, no matter how deep he digs his nails in.
In nine short months, Nursey is going to graduate and stumble into his post-college, adult life with a degree and no real plan of what’s next or where he’ll end up living. He knows his moms would love it if he moved back to the City, but he’s fallen in love with Boston to the point that the clear-cut definition of the City that he came here with has started to blur.
In nine short months, Nursey will never have to rush to class after practice or worry about his thesis again. He'll never lace up his skates in his cubby at Faber between Dex and Chowder again. He'll never glare daggers at the Lax frat across the street again, however half-hearted they may have become since Whiskey has cozied up to one of the probably-Chads. He'll never wander the Quad to drop down into an obscene pile of leaves to the sounds of Chowder’s gleeful laughter and Dex's grumbling complaints again. There will be no new batches of freshmen to haze or teammates to chirp. No more brunches or late night milkshakes at Annie's.
In nine short months, everything Nursey will have known for the past four years is going to change and he really isn't ready for it.
Maybe he'll never taste Dex's—or Bitty's, he supposes—baking again or wince at Chowder’s random, painful-looking splits or fine Farmer and him for some insanely saccharine PDA. For all he knows, come graduation, he'll lose sight of the rest of the Frogs and it'll be just him wherever the fuck he ends up.
The universe seems to hear him—the back door cracks open, through his thoughts that threaten to spiral again, and then it's Dex’s voice saying, "Hey, Nurse."
Nursey cranes his neck around to find Dex’s head peeking out through the screen door, illuminated softly by the warm yellow porch light Nursey left on when he came out here an hour ago. The sight of him settles something in Nursey’s turbulent chest. “Hey, Cap,” he shoots back and even in the dim light, he can tell Dex flushes at the nickname. Nursey’s stomach swoops pleasantly. “What’s up?”
Dex shifts his weight. “Mind if I join you?”
Being alone is probably not going to do him much good right now, Nursey figures. And he’s come to realize that something about Dex’s company makes him quiet, deep down. “Nah, go ahead.”
With a little grateful smile that Nursey can’t help but return, Dex steps outside onto the porch entirely, a bottle of beer in each hand, and pushes the door shut with his hip. He doesn’t sidestep that one creaky floorboard on his way over to Nursey.
The crickets are chirping and a comfortable breeze brushes past them as Dex plops down on the top step next to Nursey, close enough for their knees to knock together. Nursey doesn’t move away, doesn’t focus on the point of contact, doesn’t focus on the warmth of Dex’s skin against his. Instead, he accepts the bottle Dex passes over to him.
“It’s a really nice night,” Dex comments and fishes the Falconers bottle opener Jack left them last year out of his pocket, then leans into Nursey’s space a little to pop his bottle’s lid off. Nursey hums in agreement and watches Dex crack open his own bottle before he slips the opener back into the pocket of his shorts. It really is a nice night; the leftover warm summer air of the day sits on his skin like a gentle blanket and the sky above is clear, dotted with twinkling stars that Nursey could spend forever searching for patterns in. Dex probably knows a lot of constellations “What’s got you thinking so hard out here?”
They clink the butts of their bottles together and Nursey lets the question sit in the night air between them as they both take a swig. “Oh, you know,” Nursey says with a sigh and a vague back-and-forth tilt of his palm after he’s swallowed.
Dex bumps his shoulder against Nursey’s. “Enlighten me.”
“It’s just,” Nursey starts, then sighs again. No point in hiding it, not with Dex. “It’s all changing.” Next to him, Dex stays quiet, but Nursey knows he’s got his full attention. It’s his way of encouraging someone to keep going, he’s learned. “We’re seniors. This is our last year here, our last shot to make this memorable and go out with a bang, I guess. Who knows where we’ll end up after graduation, if we’re even gonna be in the same place. We just got back from summer break today, preseason hasn’t even kicked off yet,” he scuffs his shoe against the wood of the step below, “but I can’t help but miss everyone already.”
“I get it,” Dex replies after a moment and Nursey can tell his brows are drawn together when he sighs. “While we’re being honest, I’m wondering if I’ll even get to be a good captain. Like, what if everyone who voted for me last year was wrong and I crash and burn, you know? What if I can’t lead us back to the Championship?”
“Hey,” Nursey cuts in immediately, getting Dex to look over at him as he takes a drink, “you’re gonna be a great captain. You fight for us and with us and that’s what matters. Everyone respects you here.”
Dex offers him a small smile. “Thanks. And you know what?”
Nursey hums. “What?”
“We may not be able to stop this, but not everything’s going to change either,” Dex tells him, bumping their shoulders together again. ”No matter what happens or where we’ll end up, you’ll still have Chowder and me. Frogs for life, remember? And besides”—then there’s Dex’s pinky finger, bumping into his on the wood of the step between them; Nursey hooks his around it—“not every change has to be bad, right?”
“Right,” Nursey replies. He moves his ring finger over Dex’s, squeezing once, and Dex squeezes back without hesitating. “Anyway, sorry for being a bummer.”
Dex shakes his head. “Don’t be. I’m glad you trust me with this,” he says with a sincere look on his face and links another finger with Nursey’s.
“Sap,” Nursey throws back around a grin and revels in the half-hearted eye roll he gets in response. “But thank you. Really.”
The smile Dex gives him is small, gentle, real. Nursey loves it. “So, is there anything you’re actually looking forward to this year?” Dex asks.
Nursey hums and as he thinks, he takes a big sip of his beer. He could swear he sees Dex track the way his Adam’s apple moves when he swallows. “I’m gonna throw the best Kegsters yet.”
“Oh God,” Dex replies and slips on a fake look of concern, but a grin is cracking through anyway. “Do we need to bring back Nursey Patrol?”
“Fuck you, man,” Nursey shoots back with a laugh. They got rid of Nursey Patrol a year ago; Nursey’s gotten a lot more responsible with his tub juice intake. He doesn’t end up on rooftops anymore, anyway. And, well, Louis needed it more. “It’ll be a mad chill Halloween Kegster and I’m thinking about a throwback one? Like, with an Eighties theme, you know? It’ll be dope and I will get you to dress up.”
Dex laughs into his bottle, the sound reverberating in the neck of it before he takes a drink. “We’ll see.”
“We’ll see that I’m right. You’re the captain, you have to dress up too.” Nursey decides to count the grumbling coming from Dex at that as victory. “Oh, and I got some cool classes lined up that I’m excited for,” he adds.
“Yeah?” Dex prompts, “Like what?”
“Y’know, a couple poetry ones,” Nursey replies. “I’ll spare you the details, but one of my favorite poets is actually teaching a class this semester and I managed to get in, so that’s chill. There’s one on contemporary American poetry, too. And a workshop with that same poet.”
“That sounds cool,” Dex tells him and Nursey hears the I’m genuinely happy for you in his voice clear as the night sky above. “Don’t overwork yourself, though, yeah?”
When Dex goes to link a fourth finger with Nursey’s, Nursey turns his hand palm-up and intertwines their hands completely instead. This is far from the first time they’ve held hands in the last few months, but the other times were all platonic. At least Nursey thinks so. But tonight feels different. Charged, in a way. Like they’re standing at the cusp of something. Something more than this if they want it.
Nursey really wants it, so he pulls their hands onto his thigh as he says, “Sure, Dex.” He knows that Dex is going to be there, no matter what, with a freshly baked pie—or whatever else he’s baking that day, purely coincidentally—in hand to remind Nursey to take a break every now and then. He offers Dex a smile that Dex returns with a squeeze of their hands. “Is there anything you’re looking forward to, Cap’n?”
The flush that calling Dex any variation of captain procures will never get old, Nursey thinks. He wonders, briefly, what the skin would feel like under his fingers, his lips. “I know I said I’m nervous about the whole captaincy thing,” Dex starts, says it like he still can’t quite believe that he’ll get the C sewn onto his sweater in a week, “and I am, but I’m also kind of excited for the new freshmen. You know, getting to meet them and see what they’re like.”
“Oh, chill, yeah, definitely.” Nursey runs his thumb over Dex’s skin, where he knows a cluster of freckles sits at the joint of it. “Who’s gonna give them the tour of the Haus?”
Something shifts in Dex. When he catches Nursey’s gaze, Nursey can tell he’s even more vulnerable than before. Like he’s started to pry his ribcage open for Nursey to see. “I was thinking you, Chowder, and I could do it? Together.”
Nursey smiles, holding Dex’s beating heart in his palms. “Yeah, that’s chill. Can I show them the bylaws behind the boiler in the basement, though?”
Just like that, Dex’s gaze turns suspicious as he squints at Nursey. “I mean, sure. I guess?” Dex pauses for a moment and chases the look away with a drink of beer. “I was also thinking about maybe making a pie or two. It’s not a goodie bag, but you know. As a welcome thing.”
Nursey barks out a laugh. “Man, you’ve really turned into Bitty.”
“It’s a nice thing to do!” Dex defends, brows knitted together, but Nursey can tell he’s not seriously offended. “And it would feel weird to have this be the first year without one.”
“Chill, Dex, I’m just messing with you,” he says. He knows his voice is oozing with fondness; they’re lucky Whiskey is across the street and Chowder’s not here yet to fine them. “Do you know what you wanna call them yet? Because they’re gonna need a nickname.”
Dex sighs. “No fucking clue,” he admits, then immediately raises a warning hand before Nursey can even open his mouth. “Don’t even think about suggesting anything lobster related.”
“Rude,” Nursey complains and if he wasn’t busy holding Dex’s hand right now, he’d probably clutch his chest in mock offense.
“I was thinking of maybe actually going with Eggs, but I’m not sure yet.” Dex scrapes at the soggy label of his bottle for a moment before he turns his gaze back to Nursey, a soft smile on his lips. “I’ll figure something out. I don’t have to do it alone, right?”
Nursey smiles back. “Right.”
They fall silent then, with only the endless chirping of the crickets nearby mingling with the sloshing of the beer after occasional sips breaking through.It’s nice, being close to Dex like this. He really does make a fundamental part of Nursey just quiet; he manages to slow down his racing thoughts just by being here, manages to pull and keep Nursey in the present with him. Above, the stars twinkle on and as Nursey keeps running his thumb over Dex’s skin in nonsensical patterns, he thinks he really should ask Dex about any constellations he knows sometime. Just to watch his eyes light up the way they do when he talks about things that mean a lot to him.
Once Nursey’s bottle is empty, he sets it down next to his feet on the step below and clears his throat, angling himself a little more toward Dex. “Hey.”
Dex hums in acknowledgement, then tips his head back to get the last of his own beer out and leaves the empty bottle on his other side before he turns to Nursey with a quizzical look on his face. “What?”
“Is there something you haven’t done yet that you wanna do before college is, like, over for real?” Nursey asks, still calmly playing with Dex’s thumb.
“You mean like a college bucket list or something?”
Nursey shrugs. “Kind of, I guess, yeah.”
Dex doesn’t say anything for a moment; it looks like he’s searching Nursey’s face as he thinks. “Well,” he answers eventually and Nursey’s pretty sure he’s not imagining the nervous edge that’s crept into his voice, “there’s this guy I’ve liked for a while—”
“A guy, huh?” Nursey interrupts, a grin at home on his lips.
Something’s undeniably been growing between them over the summer. It probably started shortly after winning the Championship with Bitty, most likely, but it’s definitely blossomed over the summer. They’ve been clearly flirting over text ever since they left for break and that started to bleed into almost daily calls too. Not to mention all the Snaps they’ve sent each other after Nursey successfully pestered Dex into downloading the app within the first week. And if Nursey’s saved one or the other goofy, nostril-up or shirtless Snap Dex has sent him, then that’s nobody’s business but his own.
“Oh, you know, he’s so clumsy, it’s ridiculous,” Dex says and even though his voice is teasing, Nursey can still hear the fondness in it. “At the end of last year, we were at the dining hall for breakfast and he tripped over his own two feet and spilled his fucking cereal on one of Farmer’s teammates.”
Nursey cringes at the memory. The poor girl was drenched in milk with colorful froot loops hanging in her hair and dropping down onto her shoulders. If looks could kill, Nursey for sure would’ve dropped dead on the spot right then and there. He apologized to her profusely for a solid two minutes, even offered her his sweater. She still glared at him the next time Dex, Chowder, and he showed up at a party at the volleyball house a few weeks later.
He bumps into Dex’s shoulder and allows himself to linger there for a beat, his skin pressed against Dex’s shirt sleeve. “You’re an asshole.”
The laugh that tickles out of Dex is beautiful, Nursey wouldn’t mind hearing it over and over. “But he’s also really pretty. And kind and funny and smart. He always brings me a coffee to class if practice runs too late for me to stop by Annie’s.” His gaze drops to his own feet as he bites down on a grin, but he can’t fight the flush flooding his cheeks. Nursey figures it’s going to be a permanent thing now. Not that he minds; it’s cute. Dex brings his eyes back to Nursey’s and adds, “Today, I helped him move into the Haus and I almost caught my foot under a step going upstairs because I was staring at the way his arms flexed in that tank top as he carried a box.”
There’s only a faint recollection of this in Nursey’s mind; he remembers something like a dull thud and Dex swearing behind him while they were both hauling up heavy boxes of books, but he was too preoccupied with the thought of how bold Dex’s freckles are now after being exposed to all that sun over the summer. That’s not really news to him, what with all the Snaps and all, but seeing them in real life right in front of him when Dex’s grinning face greeted him earlier did throw him for a loop.
“He sounds like a real catch,” Nursey says, smiling. He’s aiming for chirping but lands about a mile north of it, squarely in lovestruck fondness.
“Yeah, he really is,” Dex agrees in a sure voice. Still, Nursey sees his nerves drawn all over his face, tucked between his freckles. “I think he likes me back and I’ve really wanted to kiss him for a couple months now.”
Nursey can’t keep his own heartbeat from picking up as he leans a little further into Dex’s space, presses their knees together a little firmer. “Why haven’t you?”
“Well, I mean, I can’t just assume, right? There’s also a chance that I’ve read it all wrong and he doesn’t actually like me,” Dex reasons, serious like Nursey isn’t absolutely fucking gone on him for everyone to see.
“You haven’t,” Nursey says decisively, “Read this wrong, I mean. He’s just been waiting for you to make the first move.” He lets this sit between them for a moment, lets it linger until Dex is smiling at him, collects his own courage. He’s never felt more unchill in his life. “So if you really wanna kiss him, you should.”
Something on Dex’s face shifts until he looks almost giddy. Nursey feels it too, swooping low in his stomach and pumping in his chest. “You think so?” Dex asks, leaning closer to Nursey still.
“Yeah,” Nursey confirms with his eyes glued to Dex’s lips now, the air charged and crackling between them as he bridges another few inches, “yeah, I think so.”
Nursey’s heart threatens to leap out of his ribcage, right into Dex’s palms, as they both move in closer and closer, his eyes flutter closed when he feels Dex’s quick, warm breath on his skin.
But then Dex stops, a maddening fraction of an inch away from Nursey’s lips.
“You do know that I mean you, right?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper, but it’s enough to get Nursey to huff out a laugh. This is so like Dex and Nursey is so fucking into him, it’s ridiculous.
“Yeah, I got a pretty good idea,” he assures him, lips pulling back into a smile, “so, are you gonna kiss me now or what?”
That’s all the reassurance Dex needs before he finally, finally crosses the last of the space keeping them apart and Nursey finally, finally gets to press his smile against Dex’s.
Dex sighs into the kiss, almost like letting go of a breath he’s been holding for a long time, like he can finally breathe freely now. It takes all of Nursey’s brain power to keep from smiling too wide and breaking the kiss too early.
The thing is, Nursey’s thought about this. He’s not ashamed to admit he’s spent a sizable amount of time wondering what it would be like to kiss Dex, what kind of kisser Dex would be, where he’d put his hands on reflex. He pictured it happening at a Kegster, urgent and a little clumsy with hands under shirts; as a natural progression of a reunion hug after break, desperate and hard like they’d die if they didn’t, arms wrapped tightly around waists; after winning the Championship again, a little too much teeth and a lot of giddiness with sweaty palms cupping faces. He even pictured it happening just because, at the Haus kitchen table, in one of their rooms while a random show or movie plays in the background.
He didn’t consider it would happen like this, out here on the back porch at night after pouring their feelings out, their joined hands sitting on Nursey’s thigh. He wouldn’t have it any other way, though.
When they pull back eventually, after another kiss or two or three, Nursey’s thoughts are swimming with Dex, Dex, Dex. Nursey’s pretty sure he’s never been prouder than he is when he sees that Dex needs a second longer to open his eyes.
If he’s being honest, Nursey really wants to get up and climb into Dex's lap right now, feel his hands on his back his hips his thighs, link his own hands behind Dex's head as they take each other apart kiss by long-overdue kiss, maybe even push his hands into Dex’s hair now that he’s let his curls come in a little more. He doesn’t, though, not this time. He wants to do this right. There will be plenty of times for that, he thinks. Hopes.
Instead, he clears his throat and says, "For the record, that would've been my answer too."
"Good," Dex replies with his voice still a little raspy, all self-satisfied and smug, and Nursey has to admit that it looks good on him.
It's not roaming hands on his back, but when Dex untangles their fingers and cups Nursey's cheek so gently with one hand and leaves the other high on Nursey’s knee, pulling him into another kiss, he couldn't wish for anything else.
They kiss again and again, slow and sweet, chasing after each other’s lips if they dare to move away a little too far. By the time Nursey’s hand is splayed against Dex’s side, Dex moves his own to the back of Nursey’s neck to keep him there, as if there’s anything at all that could convince Nursey to stop kissing him anytime soon.
But then Nursey shifts, trying to get a better angle for their next kiss, and knocks over the bottle at his feet. It tears them apart and they watch it roll down the stairs with the repeated clang, clang, clang of an empty glass bottle until it lands safely in the grass below. When they turn back toward each other, they can’t help but laugh.
“Did I mention that the guy I like is a massive klutz?” Dex asks, sounding dazed. He’s got a dopey look on his face that Nursey’s absolutely obsessed with.
Nursey huffs out a laugh again. “Shut up,” he replies, but it’s lacking any and all heat.
“Make me,” Dex teases and Nursey just has to lean in for another lingering kiss and then, because the way Dex hums into it is so addicting, one more.
He gathers all his willpower to pull back after a third one and stays strong even when Dex chases after him again. “Do you wanna go on a date with me?” he asks, dragging his eyes back up to Dex’s when they threaten to get stuck on Dex’s lips once more. The lips Nursey now knows what it feels like to kiss over and over.
With the hand that’s still on the back of Nursey’s neck, Dex runs his thumb over Nursey’s skin there, scratching softly at his hairline. He wonders if Dex can feel the faint goosebumps, can feel what he does to him. “Yeah, that’d be—” He clears his throat again. “That’d be chill.”
“Chill,” Nursey repeats, but decides to leave the chirping for later. A laugh still escapes him as Dex rolls his eyes in response. “I’m gonna romance the hell out of you.”
“I fucking hope so,” Dex shoots back, then lets his eyes drop down to Nursey’s mouth again. “Does that mean we have to stop right now, though?”
“God, no,” Nursey replies and cups Dex’s jaw with the hand that’s not on Dex’s side and reel him back in.
As they kiss again and again and again, to the sound of the crickets and with the stars twinkling above, Nursey pushes his hand from Dex’s jaw over his shoulder until he can spread it between his shoulder blades to hold as much of him at once as he can.
Senior year, Nursey finds, doesn’t seem so scary after all.
#omgcp#omgcheckplease#nurseydex#dexnursey#derek nurse#william poindexter#somehow this has ended up at 4100 words. idk how.#i got carried away!!! as always#i hope you like this em i love you!!!#my writing
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punk rock princess
spencer reid x reader
synopsis; where spencer’s working on the final paper for his third phd meanwhile you take on the task of making sure he takes a break.
warnings; smut, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, sub!spence if you squint, nipple piercings;),
a/n; i’m not saying this is my fantasy but .. this is my fantasy,, inspired by this song, y’all know the drill. you don't have to listen while reading but i always love to set the vibe. lastly y/n doesn't have any mentioned features or looks besides piercings/tattoos,, the rest is all up to you:)
pls send in feedback!
***
A shiver crawled down your spine from the first squirt of dye hitting your scalp. The bubblegum pink shade being a change from the firey red which inhabited your head a mere 24 hours prior.
The process was muscle memory at this point. Brushing out your hair then parting and sectioning it off. However that was the only methodical part. The fun was in slapping on the dye, not a single worry about staining your hands or neck.
The sounds of heavy drums and bass guitar bounced off the walls in the bathroom of the small apartment. Even though the door was shut it wasn't enough to stop the sound from flowing into the living room where your boyfriend was working.
Spencer sat at the dining table, flipping through copious amounts of folders and books. His third thesis in the process of being written. The computer screen in front of him looking back with a mocking glow. Since apparently things had to be digital now.
Your feet padding on the wooden floor made him look up from the pages. Humming to the music as you walked into your bedroom. Then back out a few seconds later holding a towel and robe.
A small smile tugged across his face. Ever since you had moved in together he loved to watch your day to day actions. The way you played your music concerningly loud, your skincare routine which included cleaning your facial piercings. What fascinated him the most was that in the 13 months you’d been together he’d seen you dye your hair 7 times.
Not including any touch ups.
He stood from his place at the table, making his way to the bathroom. Two quick rasps on the door to check if you were decent. The action made you giggle.
“Come in!” you called, “I don’t know why you knock weirdo you’ve seen me naked plenty of times.”
A blush spread across his cheeks from both your words and your state of undress. His eyes tried to focus on the splotches of color on the counter, keeping the blood flowing to the head on his shoulders.
But it was hard when the sheer bralette you had on did very little to hide the metal bars in each of your breasts.
“Spence?” you said snapping a fingers in front of him.
He cleared his throat, eyes snapping to your face which held a smirk.
“Are uh those n-new?” he questioned, hand going to scratch the nape of his neck.
The usual silver balls at the end of the bars were now tiny jewell hearts. The color was a little hard to tell due to the material of your bra but from the change in your hair he could almost bet money they were also pink.
With swift hands you unclipped your bra and threw it on the closed toilet seat before turning to face him.
“Got them when I bought the dye yesterday,” you said pushing your boobs up with your hands, “You like?”
Spencer’s eyes were as big as saucers, frantically nodding, “Y-yeah they look nice.”
You dropped your hands to your hips, tugging off the shorts you had on. The wide brown eyes before you couldn’t get any bigger, trailing down your frame stopping to admire the bar in your belly button along with the ink which littered your ribs.
He watched as you got to your knees, turning on the bath faucet. You dipped your head under the water, a stream of pink filling the tub.
The slope of your spine bent over was a sight he'd seen more than enough times. He could pinpoint the beauty marks on your left shoulder, the small sun he sketched which ended up permanently on the back of your neck. But if he let his gaze drift a little further south he could see how deliciously the dark lace looked barley covering up your most intimate parts.
A smack to his calf got his attention.
“Earth to Spencer! Can you hand me the shampoo,” you asked which came out sounding a bit muffled.
He quickly scurried to the tub and reached over to grab the bottle, squeezing a bit of gel onto your open palm.
"I'm gonna go work on my thesis some more," Spencer said slowly shutting the door behind him.
Making his way back to the living room, he pulled a few files and sat down on the couch. Glasses sat on the bridge of his nose and red pen between his teeth and he stared in concentration.
They were the same words he had read over and over again. The lack of sleep causing a dull ache in his skull.
"You need to take a break love," you said walking over and sitting next to Spencer on the couch.
"I did take one," he argued back flipping through the file.
"Gawking at me before I shower for 2 minutes isn't a break," you said with a giggle, the warmth flooding back to his cheeks, "Cmon 25 minutes at least without a file in your hand. "
When he didn't respond you took matters into your own hands. Ripping the file from his grasp, earning a grumble of disapproval before you straddled his hips. Your arms circled his neck and your hands went straight to the back of his scalp, fingertips running in soothing motions.
"Isn't this so much better baby," you asked whispering in his ear.
He nodded quickly, staying silent as he let his actions speak louder. His large palms went right to your plush hips. Bucking up as he led you to grind yourself on his lap.
Letting his hands explore the material of your satin rope he could feel the lack of undergarments on your frame. Spencer dared to let his hands dip under the black fabric and take each one of your cheeks in the palm of your hand with a gentle squeeze.
You could feel his cock stiffening under you. If you looked down you'd probably be able to see a wet spot on his sweats, most likely a mix of your arousals.
Leaning forward you let your lips attack his neck, placing sloppy kisses sure to leave marks. The process of licking and biting making Spencer hold onto you tighter, almost as if he had his very own vampire to mark him up.
Trailing up to his ear you bit on the lobe before whispering, "Tell me what you need baby."
Lust filled brown orbs met your own as you each continued your steady grind.
"Please fuck me," he pleaded.
If only he knew how wrapped around his finger you were. As pretty as he sounded begging you'd give him anything.
You pulled the metal frames off his face, tossing them to the other side of the couch. He had complained one too many times about foggy glasses during sex. No matter how cute you thought he looked.
Your hands slid down his torso and reached to pull down his sweats. His precum soaked length was heavy in your hands. Pretty pink tip leaky and throbbing already. The first few pumps had whiny moans slipping from his lips, red from biting so hard.
"Unwrap me baby, it's all for you," you said tilting your head down, motioning to the strings holding your robe together.
Quickly he let his slender fingers go to the ends, a swift tug and it was like opening a gift on Christmas. Leaning forward he let his lips wrap around one of your nipples. A strangled moan leaving your mouth from the stimulation.
With a raise of your hips you lined his cock with your opening before sliding down. You both sighed at the same time, the feeling of him stretching you out and your warm walls hugging his length was just too good.
Slowly you rocked your hips testing the waters, soft gasps and curses left your lips. You could feel very vein and inch stuffed inside you.
Spencer on the other hand was having an out of body experience, there wasn't an inch of your skin which was left untouched. Unkissed. After you were settled he raised his hips meeting you halfway with each thrust.
"You're doing so well baby," you cooed down at him, "You love when I ride you hm? Best fucking seat in the house."
His eyes shut closed in pleasure as your pace quickened, "Love it so much. So so pretty," he mumbled out.
His arms pulled you close again. Chest to chest as you continued your movements. Your lips met in a lazy kiss, panting in each others mouths when you ran out of air.
You could feel him pulsating inside you. The iron grip he had on your hips as he helped drive you up and down on his cock was sure to feel sore the next day. His shoulders were sure to have corresponding crescent marks from your nails digging in.
"Touch me Spence m'so close love," you said breathlessly.
One of his hands fell down to the space where you both connected. Skilled fingers rubbing your sensitive bundle of nerves in quick circular motions.
Loud moans escaped your lips. Your head fell back to the familiar junction of his neck and shoulder, biting the skin in order to stifle your noises of pleasure.
"Y/n I can't hold it any longer, please cum with me," he whimpered out.
Nodding your head you grabbed onto the back of his neck, "Right behind you baby. Let go for me, I got you."
With a few more upward thrusts you felt him pull you down onto his cock, warmth spreading in your tummy. The feeling of his seed filling you up and his euphoric groans sent you over the edge.
You both rode out your orgasms, swiveling hips and satisfactory sighs of release leaving your lips.
After a few minutes of content silence listening to the music still flowing through the hall you moved to get up, the sticky mess between your thighs less than comfortable.
Warm arms kept you in place, denying your movement.
"Spence I gotta clean up," you said trying to push yourself off his chest.
"If I remember correctly you said at least 25 minutes and from my calculations I have 3 minutes and 38 seconds left of cuddle time," the lanky man under you said matter of factly.
You rolled your eyes, sighing but resting your head back on his shoulder, "If I get a UTI thats 3 minutes and 38 seconds of me playing screamo in your ear at full volume."
With one last squeeze he kissed the side of your head, the scent of ammonia only sightly bothering him, "Worth it."
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid smut#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds smut#criminal minds fic#chellewrites
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I love this line because it's not just a summary of Originium Dust, but basically the whole thesis of Arknights: no matter how hellish the world gets, people will fight to be a force for good, because the majority of people ARE good. The whole reason everyone is an animal in Terra is to highlight how they AREN'T (metaphorical) animals; how the natural state of a human being is caring for someone else.
Within the event itself, not only do the Infected villagers welcome Rainbow into their ghetto and trade with them for food, medicine, and beds, but they were willing to risk their lives for total strangers. When the uninfected caught Blitz sneaking back into the infected town, they went on a manhunt for him and the infected villagers hid him and stood their ground, willing to fight to protect him until Blitz himself chose to shield the villagers. In that moment, the hypothetical situation mentioned in Tachanka's talk with Ash about their neutrality came true – staying neutral would mean turning their backs on people about to be slaughtered, and how can you live with yourself after that?
Going one event back, Who Is Real introduced a town inside a time loop, destroyed by a horde of ink monsters every two days. After figuring out the trick, Lava, Kroos, and Mr. Nothing had no reason to still keep defending the town when everything would be normal the next day. All they would have to do is hide and cover their ears to block out the screaming, using the more peaceful first day to figure out how to break the loop.
But they don't. With Saga's help, they defend the town for as many loops as they need. It's technically completely pointless — no one in the painting is even real — but it's something they NEED to do. Even in a simulation, Lava and Kroos can't turn their backs on victims because saving people is what they do. They have to save whoever they can, if only for the sake of the ones they couldn't.
One more event back and we see Robin, an antagonist for Mansfield Break by way of being an assassin hired to take Anthony out inside the prison. With her dad's insurmountable medical bills and an entire life in the service industry making nowhere near enough money, a hit is the only way out for her. Despite not wanting to hurt anybody, her circumstances make her desperate enough to take the job. Anthony even hears her out, understanding that he has nothing to offer to help Robin with her dad, and that she's simply doing what she has to. In the end, Robin chooses to help Anthony, knowing full well she has likely doomed her father and herself for doing the right thing. Though Anthony promises to help her in whatever way he can, they both know her future looks very shaky. Still, the story rewards Robin for her refusal to break in the form of Saria, who helps bust them all out of prison and completely destroys the rich asshole who used his wealth to hire Robin solely for the intent of toying with her.
The same theme runs through the main story chapters as well. Amiya's empath powers are what allow her to realize there is someone else besides Talulah, because "Talulah" says "People were born to be ruled", implying that the natural state of humanity is violence and chaos, and it is civilization that keeps them in check rather than it being something they built for themselves. This directly contradicted Talulah's own words: "I believe that given a chance, the vast majority would choose to be good people."
This is why I don't really agree with the description of Arknights as Doomerpilled. The theme isn't that everything sucks, it's that even if everything was hell on Earth, groups of people will still build their lives together. That's how people work. That's how people think.
This world sucks, but there's still something we can do about it.
Kaschey ultimately gave himself away by not being able to understand humanity the way Talulah did.
That's because the Deathless Black Snake sees itself as a god.
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Slam Dunk 30 day challenge: Day 13
[Slam Dunk 30 day challenge from sendouakira]
Day 13: Any ship(s)?
Oh yessssss. (Explanations under cut-off)
It's really mostly 4 ships that I'm behind: Miyagi x Ayako, Hanamichi x Haruko, Kogure x Mitsui, and Sendoh x Rukawa
Miyagi (Ryota) x Ayako
The vibe: Slow burn Friends to Lovers
I think what's important to acknowledge is that they are first and foremost is that they are good friends, so I definitely can see why people do not see them as anything beyond that.
Part of why I really like them is that Ayako is basically Ryota's favorite person. The anime gives us an indication that Ryota loves her because of her confidence, her passion, and how hard she works to make the team successful. Even though he was sad that she didn't feel the same connection he did, it seems like he knew not to put any further pressure on her, which would explain why his effort to find someone else was mostly half-hearted. And he's happy just to stay by her side and hyper her up and isn't necessarily worried about if she'll ever return his feelings.
Even if she doesn't express a specific romantic interest in Ryota the series, I do think that Ayako does have a lot of affection for Ryota and admires how hard he works...when he's actually motivated to do so. I think the more she watches him mature the more she sees his positive qualities.
A future girl boss and male-wife pairing, me thinks.
Hanamichi x Haruko
The vibe: Idiots to lovers
Even if done partially out of naivete, I do think it's super sweet that the whole premise of the series begins with Haruko seeing the potential in Sakuragi as someone who could accomplish something great when no one else did. And I think it goes both ways, Sakuragi regards her highly and sees her as a really nice person. They're just super sweet, Haruko will come to terms with her unrequited crush on Rukawa and will slowly start to fall for Sakuragi I just know it ☝
Kogure x Mitsui
The vibe: Estranged Friends to Lovers/Second Chances
My favorite ship in the series, if I had to choose just one. I'll try to keep it brief since I could write a whole thesis about them. Basically, I have the anime writers to thank for this ship. If people only read the manga this pairing is a little more obscure in that context...but watching the anime, WOW, for me the subtext is PRESENT (mostly on Kogure's end, but still).
To summarize their vibe: they come head-to-head with each other's flaws, but this also increases their own self-awareness of their own flaws and they end up bringing out the best in each other. Maybe they have good reasons to not be together, but the fact that they're crazy for each other weighs out everything else.
Honestly I don't see enough of their vibe anyway, which is a shame because it's soooo good.
Sendoh x Rukawa
The vibes: One-sided Enemies to Lovers
So this ship is absolutely hilarious to me because they're not really enemies they're just athletic rivals. But Rukuwa's rivalry involving a heavy disdain for Sendoh and Sendoh finding Rukawa's disdain amusing is what makes this pairing super interesting. So much character exploration with these two, all I will say is that the Senru shippers have it right!
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