Linktober Day 1: Bird

foaming from the mouth.

this nurse was like you're too late for your appointment we have already called in the next patient, meanwhile I was literally three fucking minutes (3!!!!) too late bc i struggled 5 min to lock up my stupid ass bike and also.

during previous appointments i had to wait a quarter of an hour to be called in despite being on time. like. they've made me wait on purpose before.

like. what. I'm too late? I'm too late? tell me about being too late. you tell me about it. you tell me about it alright

hot and buttered

mingi x reader (f) / g: established relationship, smut / wc: 813 / warnings: cursing, masturbation (both), phone sex, semi public sex but not rly / r: 18+

another tipsy drabbles log :^)

Mingi couldn't believe it.

You said you will be there for the birthday party his mom had prepared for him. It was a little early from his actual birthday, sure, but it was a party for his special day anyways.

A few miles away, you hurriedly finish getting ready,  you know Mingi´s now sulky about you not being able to make it to his parents house, but this client was important and if you didn't go personally to sign things up apparently, it was a deal breaker for them.

Before leaving for the meeting you call him, trying to sound innocent and sweet but the pout on Mingi´s lips was palpable even from the other side of the phone. 

“After this I'll get a few weeks off and we can celebrate for sure! I promise, your birthday isn't coming until next week” 

“Yeah I know…¨Mingi sounded defeated on the other line. “But my mom really wanted you here, and i really miss you…¨

You recognized the tone, his already low tone went lower and he dragged his words, which honestly just made you instinctively rub your tights together. You glance at the clock, you have some time to make it up for him, only a little.

“Mingi, are you alone?” you heard Mingi groan softly, and the sound of his steps hurriedly going somewhere. 

“Mingi! Don't be late, the food is almost ready, is yn getting here soon?” 

The voice of Mingi´s mom sounded in the background, Mingi replying to her a hasty “I'm going to change mom, i'll be outside in a minute!” made you smile. You lay on the bed, waiting for him to get to whatever he wanted to go to, probably his childhood bedroom.  “I'm here, yn?” 

“I'm here too, tell me what you´ ve been thinking?” 

Mingi whispers. “You here, with me. In my bedroom. You touch me, licking me…¨he stops and groans. “I'm sorry I'm just… I need you”

“It's fine love, I'm here to help you not miss me so much, again, I'm sorry I can't be there today, but ill make it up for you meanwhile, can you lay down for me on your bed?¨ Mingi swallows and you can hear him shifting his position. “Good. now I'm thinking how much I wish to sit between your legs and take in my mouth, you must be so hard right now” Mingi moans, the sounds of his hands on his length pumping slowly are unmistakable. “Imagine how i'd look while i suck you off so good, licking my lips as i get some air, you know how much i struggle to take you whole”

“Fuck” Mingi groans, the palming noises are faster. “Yes, I love that sight, you always do so well” 

Your hands slowly go down the hem of your skirt, slowly rubbing circles over your clit until Mingi´s whimpers and moans get impossible to resist, and you whine wishing you were indeed sucking him off right now. You slide one finger and then another, as his breathing gets more agitated. 

“How many fingers?” he asks plainly, and you bite your lip. He knows you too fucking well. Knows you can't resist his voice more than he can resist yours. 

“Two” you whine, pressing another. “Imagine me licking you, suckign you, as much as i can, you will probably make me choke if im not careful, you so fucking big you know?” you breathe, trying to pace yourself to finish aligning Mingi, who´s wet stroking sounds become louder by the second. 

“When i got back home, ill fuck you so good”

You hummed in response, a moment of silence of just both your breathing and whimpering filled the line that connected you. 

“I'm not resisting anymore… please, let me…” Mingi pleaded. “Please come with me, yeah?” 

“Where do you want it?” the words easily slipping form you, imaging it was his cock and not your fingers inside you. 

“All over you, please just let me…” a loud whine stopped Mingi mid sentence, alongside a loud bang that made you pop your eyes open. 

“Mingi! The food is ready and everyone is waiting outside!¨

“Fuck… “ he whispered, both breathless and annoyed. “One minute, I'm changing!¨´

You laughed loudly. The knot on your stomach evaporated as soon as you heard Mingi´s mom's voice but it made you laugh imagining how much of a mess Mingi would be in this moment. 

“Love, are you alright?” 

“Pff fuck, i made a fucking mess……. not the lamp!” Mingi giggles. You both laughed, embarrassed and amused. “I'm sorry about that, i'll tell everyone you couldn't make it… and, make it up for you as soon as I get home”

“I'm sure you will, I miss you so much” 

“I love you yn, so fucking much” you hear kissing noises on the other side.

“Oh Mingi, I do too.” 

Im going to ask a favour of all of you. This is for a spanish talent show. His name is martin, he has a very bright and colorful voice color, he is a dancer and an actor. He is one of the most talented but also one of the most hated for being GAY and having fallen in love with a fellow contestant. The show is near its closure and hate is escalating. He is being called terrorist, acused of being there for sucking cock, called a pig, among other humiliating terms by people who have their favorite (a fellow gay guy) not being the one he is fallen for. He is a very very sweet guy, the youngest with 18 years old, and the most insecure. To combat the homophobic attacks that come EVEN from journalists making articles on him being a pervert, i ask of you that you follow this sheet and vote for him as favourite on your phones and tablets. To log in all you need is a tiktok account or a google one among other platforms. Please vote for him daily for this week, voting is open at 12 am gmt+1 daily.

As a testament of his skill ill leave you this video of him and his boyfriend

Or his own skill. Id put last nights but its not there. This was done with fever and a huge flu by the way.

Please please please. Use this sheet to vote for him and help me give him a boost and fight homophobia. I am not exagerating when i say that he's been attacked on national media. I am not kidding when i say that he is been put into awful memes identifying him as a terrorist or his boyfriend as the dictator we had. Id appreciate all help and if you could comment on having done it and spread the word around. The voting will be up from today (january 30th) till february 5th. After that i may ask for something else to help him.

In addition you can listen to his music kn spotify (martin urrutia).

Also if you want to support his friend, when you click 3rd tab you have the nominees so you can save her from being kicked out. Once more its a daily vote.

Aguirre, the Wrath of God (1972)

Aguirre, the Wrath of God is a unique experience. It puts you in the same state as its characters through its deliberately paced, minimalist story. They don’t know where the journey will end. Neither do you. It feels like someone is reading you the old, dusty pages of a journal that’s been dug up after decades of being forgotten. The “unimportant” moments - the kind you wouldn't mention in daily logs - are missing, which makes what’s not shown as important as what is. I wouldn’t want every film to be like Aguirre, but I’m glad this one is.

In 1560, Spanish conquistadors are convinced El Dorado, the legendary city of gold, is hidden deep in the Amazon jungle. With the search going nowhere and supplies running low, Gonzalo Pizarro (Alejandro Repullés) orders Pedro de Ursúa (Ruy Guerra) and a group of forty men (with their indigenous slaves) to build rafts and travel downriver to look for provisions. If they do not return within a week, their expedition will be considered lost.

The opening shot is a stunner. Simultaneously, we see the immeasurable power and folly of the conquistadors. The line of soldiers, noblemen and slaves traveling down the side of the Andes mountains is endless. When the camera zooms in to focus on the individual people, the spaniards look like ill-equipped martians clumsily making their way down the narrow path. In their metal armor (to defend against what?) with their halberds (to attack who?), following slaves who push cannons, wheel carts, and lavish litters carrying women dressed in fancy gowns, the expedition's imminent failure is obvious. Even if El Dorado did exist, how could they find it with this equipment slowing them down? Their quest is made even more foolish-looking by the camerawork. At first glance, the voyage looks epic. Then, reality sets in. Everything is short in a natural, unglamorous way. You "know" how this journey will end even before Don Pedro de Ursúa, his second-in-command Don Lope de Aguirre (Klaus Kinski) and Brother Gaspar de Carvajal (Del Negro) even step foot on their doomed raft.

Aguirre feels much longer than its 94-minute running time because once the journey to unknown places begins, that’s all the movie is. There are no character arcs. In fact, by the end, you barely know any of the characters. Each scene is like the highlights of a long, boring, doomed journey… that includes the sanity of the people in charge slipping away, daily attacks from unknown assailants, starvation, suspected murder, and death at every turn. It feels like journal entries brought to life in that Brother Gaspar wouldn’t have written about the life stories of the conquistadors who disappear in the middle of the jungle, or suddenly fall in the water because there’s an arrow sticking through their neck. All he does is tell us “Today, another man died. His last words were ….” The details aren’t important. What’s important is the way the movie makes you feel. Aboard the raft is a slave who knows how to play music. The only problem is that he only knows a single song, which he plays over, and over, and over. A jaunty tune becomes the sound of your sanity draining away. You see the crew making one bad decision after another, practically begging their journey to end in disaster. It can’t be that they don’t know what they’re doing. You get the impression that the jungle is compelling them to make the worst move possible. With the hallucinations that come in during the final scenes, the sudden bursts of violence that make you wonder if you just saw and heard what you did and the moments that couldn’t possibly have been scripted (they had to just happen while they were shooting), Aguirre feels so eerily real you feel like you're there. Like the men, you have no faith in any sort of satisfying ending but you keep moving forward.

Aguirre, the Wrath of God is a film for people who want something different. The plot is deliberately boring at times. Anywhere else, that would be a major flaw. Here, it enhances the experience. I know that doesn’t make any sense but that’s the thing. This movie doesn’t make any sense. It baffles you completely, which means it's unforgettable. (English dub, November 5, 2021)

Wasn't sure where to send this without it just being my closest friends, and I don't have any public social media so I'm going to put it here to just get it off my chest, feel free to delete this or not respond. But while following the whole Dream situation currently, the lengths some people have gone through to defend Dream and to weaponize traumatic experiences just to defend their favorite cc instead of accepting the most likely truth is so scary, and so so sickening. It's left me and some of my friends, all of us victims of grooming & CSA (including the dreaded r word), (albiet not Dream's victims, so I can't imagine how fucked up the victims themselves feel) shaking because of the whole precedent set of "believe all victims unless the abuser is someone we like/love and in that circumstance we'll pick apart everything and dissect your trauma infront of millions of people so we can call you a liar and an attention whore" ...

it's incredibly fucked up to see and while these people have chosen that stance of hyper-analysing solid proof for anything, even picking at the victim's reasonable emotional responses to such a situation, has left the "real victims of this genre of abuse" that they "defend" so violently terrified of speaking up, ever, even if it's not about Dream. I feel bad for the victims, if it was enough to make me and other victims who are removed from the situation scared and trembling, I can't imagine how bad it is for them. Not even mentioning how the legal justice system is so heavily skewered against SA victims that, even if it does go to court, the victims are more likely to be proven "wrong" and Dream will get off scot free.

Idk. Just wanted to get some brewing strong emotions out somewhere, feel free to delete or ignore this, I'd understand fully :) everyone please remember to do something unrelated to ccs that you love and find comforting, drink some water, eat some fruits and/or veggies, etc.

hey anon i did want to post and respond to this and just want to say thank you for sharing this with me that is not easy by any means and im so fucking sorry that happened to you and your friends. if this was not okay to respond to pls send me another anon and ill delete it. imma turn rbs off on this for now just to be safe.

thats why right now our rhetoric (not yours i mean the fandoms) is so fucking important. because the hyperfocus and analyzing Amanda and judging her emotional response because she doesnt fit what they think a victim of dream's should look like is abhorrent and it does shit like this, which is so traumitizing and awful for ppl like you and anyone else who has experiences with abuse/grooming/etc. I dont speak much about my own experiences and they are not the same by any means, but even i have been a bit triggered by this rhetoric bc of some things ive experienced in similar topics (i dont want to vent esp after you shared you experience so ill be vague).

I havent seen it on my dash but i have seen it on twitter and stuff especially. Be so careful how you talk about people who come forward about grooming/abuse/etc. Be careful how you scrutinize victims. because it has real fucking impact.

and as this lovely anon said please find comfort today and take care of yourselves srsly. even log off for a week if you need to. my heart is going out to everyone, especially amanda and any other victims.

Thanks again for this ask <3

i have a big complicated thought about myself im trying to capture and crystallise in text. i think for me, using tumblr means ive failed to find a better use of my time. i think tumblr can be fine for other people, tho it definitely has detrimental effects on some ppl. for me tho, since i took that extended break from social media i put an enormous amount of effort into finding more fulfilling and personally productive ways of using the time i used to use to browse tumblr. and i was actually hugely successful. ive made more art recently than ever. I've gotten better at trying new things and pushing myself and self motivation. better at waiting and patience and maybe even at focusing. i feel like ive been tackling my adhd and my tendency to waste time and procrastinate head on and winning dramatically. but the last few days ive been falling apart mentally. i spent like. 3 or 4 hours today staring at my phone and doing unproductive and like, mentally unhelpful things. wasting time. stuff thats harmless for other ppl but harmful for me. im happier when i dont spend hours each day staring at my phone. so i feel like I've failed myself.

the reality is that im in a huge slump. im sick, sleep deprived, and my hormone schedule has been upset. im on a different dose and different kind of hormone and the change is rly hurting me. waiting to see if ill stabilise after a couple weeks, bc this new hormone situation is way way cheaper. if my mental wellbeing doesn't improve in two weeks im switching back to what i was on before bc losing the feeling of triumph and confidence and control and understanding of myself that i had cultivated is a kind of torture and i really dont think i can bear it for very long.

i have been rly stroppy with the ppl around me and i am acutely aware of how out of control and chaotic my emotions are. hoping sleep and time will remedy that problem.

i know that i need to be patient but i am beyond sick of waiting. i was starting to get my life together and it feels like it's slipped out of my hands. i know i can get back to where i was but its not fair that i have to wait and fight and work to pull myself back together again.

i spent years and years with this website being an escape from real life and my primary means of socialisation. so i can't help but see it as a kind of mental trap now. i refuse to scroll listlessly and melt my brain like this again its so incredibly bad for me now.

i should like. delete my blog or log out or something but i cant delete my blog bc archival is a necessity, and i don't want to be excluded from my social circle sharing posts on discord. so idk ill just practice self control.

this is like. purely a me thing. tumblr is bad for me and im not commenting on anyone else pls dont misunderstand.

“Captain’s Log” Monologue for Theater Final

Okay so... I may or may not have written my theater final project about ISWM... In my defense, I’ve got pretty serious brain rot about Space and I could not bring myself to write about anything else. Also in my defense, people liked it so it worked out in the end... and like 2 of them recognized the totally subtle references to ISWM but thats besides the point. I’m working on a few fics at the moment and felt it couldn’t hurt to share this as a place holder. 

Not a fic, just how I think one of my characters would react to the situation. ISWM stuff so *Spoiler Warning*??? I guess?

Happy reading! 

-Soup

“Captain’s Log: 

Designation: CJ-11-205

Personnel Rank: Captain of the INV2 spacecraft

Mission parameters: to accompany 100000+ colonists across space to begin the first colony outside of Earth’s system. 

Methods utilized: warp travel. 

The ship's condition is critical. 

Narrative Report: I emerged from stasis to perform routine maintenance checks, scheduled every 12 to 16 weeks, and I have found that I am the only one aboard the INV2. I have searched for my crew, who all should have woken up around the same time as myself, and I have found absolutely no one. All stasis chambers are empty and even cryo-storage for the colonists is vacant. 

There seem to be no signs of struggle or of anyone abandoning ship. The emergency exit bay is stocked, and not one shuttle is out of place. Every person who boarded this ship, other than myself, has vanished. [cough]

It’s been, approximately, 4 days since the ship's power crashed. And 6 days since the warp engine failed. The INV2, despite it being the most technologically advanced and most carefully constructed ship in its armada, is just drifting in space, there's no way to pilot or repair it, and with comms. down there's no way to call for help.

[Laughs, coughs] This log is pointless, but if anyone hears this, which I doubt, my name is Captain Juniper. I am. No, I was the top graduate from the world's most prestigious training facility, and I had been in command of over 100 missions preceding this one.

 [Cough and deep breath] I was the top pick for leading the first colony outside of the earth system. A journey beyond our wildest desires and further beyond our greatest expectations. 

I don’t know where we went wrong, so many precautions and measures were taken to make certain that we’d make it to our destination. I guess none of those accounted for the personal vanishing. 

( Beat )

I can’t explain it, not one of my training scenarios prepared me for this. None of my experience could have prepared me for this, and I’ve dealt with hull breaches, engines exploding, rapid-spread illness, mutiny! And I can’t. I mean, maybe something happened with the warp? It’s a risky method of travel, and we aren’t fully certain of how it works but… (sigh) It's not like it matters. Even if I could rationalize it and then reboot the ship's systems, make the proper repairs, and somehow find somewhere to navigate to, what would it matter. It’d take me years to do all of that on my own… [Coughing becomes violent, sits against the floor looking out.]

I think life support failed earlier today. Probably running out of oxygen.[weak laugh] You’d think I’d be more afraid of the end. But I’m not. My family was aboard, my friends, coworkers, everyone I loved was here. Now that they're gone, I have nothing left to lose. I’ve failed them, they trusted me and I failed them.

[beat, sigh]

It’s so quiet. Without the rumbling of mechanical parts, the ship is completely silent. There used to be warning alarms, but even those died out a few days ago. 

[light laugh, pause] You know I find it funny, I used to like the silence, now I’m desperately trying to fill it. 

[a beat, look out towards audience/space]

What a view…[cough, breathing deeply]

Looking at it now, it feels like I’m seeing it truly for the first time. In all of its glory. It’s haunting beauty. Both the definition of nothing and everything, all at once. You know, after all of those missions, you’d think I’d get used to it, tired of it. [Cough] Well, at least the last thing I see is what I so desperately wanted to be surrounded by when I was young. I put all of my efforts into earning this position. I wonder, if I went back in time and told the kid who poured their everything into getting up here that they’d eventually never come back down, I wonder, would I still have taken that chance? Probably. 

[laughs] They always said I was stubborn. 

[Violent Cough]

Before I shut this thing off… If anyone does hear this, however far into the future, that may be, could you… 

There's a list of the people who boarded the INV2, and if you could take their names and make a memorial for them, that would be…great. They need to be remembered. 

End of Log.”

Fitness log: April, 24th, 2024

Me: Heyooo, I'm coming back!

Also me: proceeds to fall ill for almost two weeks.

Yeah, folks, there's been some weird virus going around town these last two months, and it managed to get me like, three times. I'm honestly sick of being sick, lol.

But I think I'm a little better now, so let's go!

So, I had some weird months for a while. Ended up developing the beginning of a panic disorder, and quitting my job. I'm more stable now, and also medicated haha.

Buuut. The good news is that the fitness goals have been working! I managed to get below 45% of body fat, which was my first milestone! Yay!

To reward myself, I ended up investing in some pretty loungerie. My girlfriend certainly enjoyed it hahah!

I also started to implement some more steps to my fitness routine. Just to remember: last time I talked to you guys, my steps were:

1. Eat at a 10% calorie deficit

2. Ruck 3 times a week for 30 minutes each

3. Try to limit alcohol to 6 glasses, which I should drink at, at maximum, 2 days a week

It was good! Now that it's working, I added some more steps. Now the rules are:

1. Eat at a 10% calorie déficit

2. Ruck 3 times a week for 1 hour each (yeah! I'm doubling cardio time!)

3. Do calisthenics 2 times a week (adding strength exercises!)

4. Try to limit alcohol to 3 doses a week, and I can only drink one day on the week (yeah, cut it in half)

5. Try to get my daily dose of at least 25g of fibers per day

6. Try to eat one food that's rich in protein with every meal

7. Avoid ultraprocessed foods (not cut them! Just try no to make them part of my daily diet!)

It took some adjusting until I could get it right, but I think I got it. The thing that scared me the most when I started tracking were the fibers. Damn, I was NOT eating enough fibers AT ALL. Like, I was getting less than half the recommended amount!

But I managed to get there. Turns out when you put more plants in your diet (aka, I'm eating at least a vegetable or a fruit with every meal), the fiber problem is easily resolved.

So, yeah! About food:

Yesterday I consumed 1.326/1.822 calories, which is... not good. I've been having trouble getting near my calorie goals. I suspect this is due to the sickness (it made me lose apetite) and also, well, turns out when you avoid ultraprocessed foods and eat your fibers, you get full quite fast lol. But I'm gonna try to increase my calories again.

Yesterday I consumed 29/25g of fibers! Looking good!

Yesterday I ate a source of protein with every meal! Great!

Yesterday I didn't drink alcohol! Cool!

(A note about the alcohol: every since I started limiting it, I've goten way less tolerant. I am getting drunk so easily these days, and getting a bit of a hangover if I drink 3 or more doses. Which... is weird but probably good? It makes me more careful around it, as I do not want to feel so shitty the next day. But also makes me feel old lol)

About the exercise: today I tried exercising in the morning, which was... not my best idea. Honestly, I just gotta accept, at this point of my life, that I'm NOT a morning person.

I ended up rucking for 1 hour, carrying 8kg, and damn it was hard. I was drenched in sweat by the end. To be fair, it was also REALLY hot. But I think I'll try and keep my exercises to the afternoon. I do feel better like that.

Then I stretched my upper limbs and it felt great! Stretching after vigorous exercise always grounds me. It really is a good feeling.

And I think that's it for today, folks! If things keep going well, see you guys tomorrow!

Linn's Lore: Goals, Dreams, and Spoonie Strength

Can you believe we’re already a week deep into 2024? I hope this first Sunday gave you a gentle start and that you’re ready for some söndagsmys. See, I’d like to invite you to one of my favourite corners of this world. Isn’t it beautiful here under my tree? Sir Bear made this space for me so I would have a place to contemplate our stories, reflect on whatever life throws our way, and enjoy the simple joys of being. 

I like to sit here and work on something I call Linn's Lore. It’s a diary of sorts, but nothing like the Ship’s Log I keep as the Captain of the Resilience. No, my Lorebook is personal, sometimes even private, and it’s where I can be myself and talk about my life as a spoonie author. Where I can dream, plan, and deep-dive into as many rabbit holes as I like in search of inspiration and knowledge. Today, I’ve got a nice pot of tea and a gorgeous apple cake, and I was thinking we could share them and have a chat about new beginnings, New Year’s resolutions, and the delicate universe we have created here in the space between dreams and reality.

New Year’s resolutions – they’re a bit like a double-edged sword, aren’t they? One side whispers, nay sings, of new beginnings and transformation. The other speaks, rather bluntly, of past failures and resolutions unfulfilled. As someone living with the daily complexities of chronic illness, I've learned to view resolutions not as rigid goals, but as my North Star, gently illuminating a path that's kind to both my aspirations and realities. And I’ve also taught myself that resolutions don’t have to be chores. You can add as many fun and uplifting things as you like - it’s your list!

This year, after a few years of only picking a single goal, I've boldly set my sights on a whole constellation of them. Well, why the heck not, I thought to myself when I sat here chewing the back of my pen. I’ve had the same goal for so long and now that things are beginning to pick up speed I feel like it’s sink-or-swim time. Some of my goals are private, but of the ones I can share, each one is shining its own light on us. In 2024, my goals are to:

Double My Writer's Income: This is a challenge, for sure, and it may sound like a shallow one at that, but hear me out. I’ve not been able to talk about this before, and I’m not going into detail today, but the long and short of it is that 2023 was the first year I made a small sum of money in book royalties. My primary goal is for our stories to reach more hearts and minds, but my secondary goal is to build something that can help me sustain an independent lifestyle as a disabled author. I am frugal and I don’t need much, so I believe this is a SMART goal.

Release 12 New Books: Some stories are waiting to be told, others are waiting to be edited, and I have been a pretty ynklig pet for most of 2023. This year something’s gotta give and I have to believe we will find a way out of here. I write with my Sir Bear. All my stories are his and all his stories are mine. In this world we have created we are one. Between us, 12 books (four of mine, four of his, and four from the Libertalia pipeline) should not be an unreasonable goal, but it all hinges on goal number 3.

Move Into a New Home: The Resilience is my spiritual home, and my heart has found a home in a sweet and very protective Sea Bear. However, as much as I love me ship and me Quartermaster, I do need a place to stay on this peculiar island that has been my home for the past two decades. This is yet another topic I’ve not been able to talk about, but you better believe I’m like a pressure cooker inside and shit wants out.

Focus on Health and Well-being: I need to see a dentist, I need new glasses, and I need to continue the work to find out what’s going on in my stomach. I need to get my meds sorted, and I really need to find a way to get some fresh air on a regular basis. It may not sound as much, but each of these smaller goals is a huge step towards an improved standard of living.

Listen to an Audiobook/Week: I don’t know if this one needs any further explanations, really. I will try to review at least half of them and I’ve made some templates to make it easier to post about it on my socials. For the longest time, I’ve been so bad at posting reviews that it’s almost shameful, but we’ll try to do better this year. I actually have the first short one ready to go. A solid 3-star read that I would love to share with my sidekick later this year.

Get My Crafting Back On: I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss my craft stash. It was boxed up for the better part of last year and it still is. Another reason I desperately need a new home. Sure, impending homelessness is a bigger concern, but sweet baby Fenrir I miss the creative process, the meditative headspace, and the joy of seeing my work find homes in other people’s lives.

Cook and Eat: I can’t even remember when I last cooked something, because of reasons, and I can’t tell you how badly I want to try new foods. Every flavour is a story and there are so many I need to consume. I have this dream, and yes this is more of a dream than a goal, but I would really love to be able to cook with my keeper again. Imagine if I got a new home that was accessible. Imagine a kitchen I could get in and out of. Imagine rooms I could get in and out of! I don’t have much ork on the best of days, but maybe, if we started small, I could…

Get Some Fresh Air: We don’t have it in London, but the dream is to move north and rumour has it people can breathe up there. After close to four years locked up in COVID isolation (yes, some of us are still shielding!) even a quick gulp of fresh air each day to remind myself of the world's vast beauty is something I dream of. And maybe this is the year it will be possible.

Do Something Fun Each Day: This is something of a mantra for me. I am a firm believer in mys, fun, love and faith as the four cornerstones of life. I am blessed in that I get to do the things I love and enjoy every day, but the goal for this year is to do more things I haven’t done before, and more things I’ve not been able to do for a long time. 

As a spoonie author, these goals are meant to lift my spirits and improve my quality of life. They are also my acts of defiance against the constraints of chronic illness and disability. Each day I write, each story I tell, is a testament to my resilience. To the power of my Resilience. In sharing this personal journey with you, I hope I can give you more than just a glimpse of my world. I would very much like to be the person who can hold up a mirror where you can see the reflection of your own resilience. 

If you are a normie who loves to read and/or write, I welcome you to step aboard my ship and sail into the vast unchartered waters we’ll be exploring this year with me. 

If you are a spoonie who loves to read and/or write, I welcome you to enter the vast parallel universe of the unwell with me. You can board my ship and move freely between our worlds.

If you don’t like to read and/or write, you are still welcome to my fikastunder here in this Sunday sanctuary of mine.

Whoever you are, whatever path led you here today, let’s step, roll, or jump into this new year together. May this be a place where our stories can intertwine, where our dreams can get a voice, and where, despite the challenges ahead of us, we can continue to create our own reality, one word, one breath at a time.

Until we meet again, may your days be filled with mys, love, fun, and faith. 

Love always,

//Linn

P.S. 

If you found something that resonated with you in my words, I have more where they came from. You can have my lore, tales from the realm of Ulfrheim and beyond delivered straight to your inbox. By signing up for my newsletter, you'll not only get a regular dose of stories, insights, and updates, but you'll also get an invitation to become a cherished member of our growing community of lovers of books and bookish things aboard my mighty pirate ship, Resilience.

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Feeling good

I don't know if I'll remember to do it, but I have found out today that theres a way to cross post from instagram that doesnt take too many more clicks than not cross-posting so I'm gonna try and keep my tumblr up. From the day I first found tumblr in the very beginning, I have always preferred this as a format than any other way to post my stuff online.

No one looks at it but not only is that fine, it keeps me very unguarded here since I don't have to worry about which assholes on my friends list are gonna argue about things I say here or who is going to see my opinion about them or whatever so I've been using it as a place to vent.

Anyway I just got back from my 2nd workout of 2024 and I'm just logging here that my fitness level is much higher than it usually is when I start my January diet. Probably because I just did 17 classes in like 21 days to get my 2023 shirt before the end of the year.

It's good. I'm also a lot flabbier than i usually am this time of year but i feel like its very realistic to think that by Valentines Day i'll be considerably less flabby.

I always do January diet and exercise till Valentines day when i begin celebrating my birthday for way too long. Till im sick of it and then i go back to being normal, meaning some balance of eating and exercising till the holidays when it all goes out the window.

I got sick back in October and then again and again and again 5x till i just gave up and was like ill go back on a diet in Jan. Theres no way to be sick and on a diet. anyway i've been eating whatever for so long im flabby as i was before i got serious and took it off last summer so I gotta do it again. Which sucks but I also feel like I know how and I'll do it.

So i just cross-posted most of 2023 over here and had to take the time to look at everything i did all year.

It's a scrapbook really. I think tumblr started out with that premise. That you should use it as your scrapbook. Ive always seen it that way. its just a public-facing scrapbook.

Only things I really left out were some failed relationships. I started or tried to start or meant to start and i think ultimately all of them, even though they were all completely different, failed because I just wanted to do my own thing. I think I've been on my own a long time, and as much as I'd like someone to fall in love with and live happily ever after with, i also have my own agenda and its hard, after so many years to coordinate time and spending money for other people.

And again, I spent all this time on diet and exercise only to have to do it over again now... but romantic dates = eating for some reason and I'm so stressed out spending time and money on meals. I like company but I need to save money and exercise and this is my priority now.

I do girly exercise so its not like i can exercise with a date and its too damn cold to go for walks or whatever. I hate gyms and i dont think theyre a good place to get to know each other anyway.

I just logistically can't make it work.

Oh im sure there are other reasons I'm not trying to publish that things didnt work out with any of these guys but it really is just so much easier and less stressful to not try to date and to eat right and exercise.

So thats what ive been doing and thats what i intend to do for January and into the first two weeks of February and then i guess maybe ill reevaluate.

૮ฅ・ﻌ・აฅ OCTOBER 24 + WEEK SUMMARY

I was so absent gah daym. I binge watched trigun again then watched trigun stampede and grrr the brainrot was so real and strong (curse you knives for being so crazy and yet so appealing for my brain) and quite honestly I just didn't bother to write logs.

The whole week been really chill, mostly spent my time at home mainly because I got kinda ill...for a day lmao. After that I was just kinda tired all day so I stayed in bed, only woke up to do my nails, which took me 4 days btw because Im not a professional and I wanted it to be perfect.

So yes, I only logged my food down in the tracker and wasted away. Makes me kinda sad, kinda guilty but at the same time it is what it is.

AlsonI noticed that now it's not as hot and warm outside so my body doesn't "crave" water so I forget to drink and that's not good. It makes me hungry and bored so I often catch myself wandering in the kitchen, opening and closing the fridge door to see if my stomach wants anything other than meat, veggies and fruits. Not too big on eating carbohydrates and if I can I will avoid it even tho my body supposedly needs it. (I was a hypocrite today tho I craved rice and gave)

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

➁ Plain black coffee 200ml - 0 cal

➀ Pickwick green tea (lemon) 350ml - 0 cal

➁ Green apples 287g - 166 cal

➁ Eggs 106g - 152 cal

➁ Bowl of Basmati rice with tuna, corn and broccoli - 700 cal

Water - 1.6l/2l

Full - 1018 cal

✧ ° ｡ʚ 🍓 ɞ ｡° ✧

Steps - 10217/10000 - 410 cal

Exercise - No - 0 cal

Burned - 420 cal

Strange new friends

Today, I discovered something rather important about myself. While I was sitting on top of this ledge, overlooking a big, beautiful valley full of animals, people, trees, and everything else you'd expect, I started to reflect on my recent choices. I love who I am, whether it's my magically powered inner self, or the masks I wear around other people. I came to realize, some months ago, that other people aren't so bad. I still put on a new face for everyone I meet, a fresh disguise to translate the feelings and emotions I experience, because I don't know how else to express them. The village doesn't understand that, wouldn't understand that, and the last few months have been... enlightening. When the season changed, leaves falling from the trees and covering the ground like a carpet of freshly discarded clothes, I noticed something about the way the magic in our valley flowed. It wasn't new, just something I hadn't fully paid attention to until then. When the elders began their rituals, saying prayers to the spirits of the forest and begging the sky for mercy as the great dying came closer to us yet again, I noticed that the magic of our valley answered them. There wasn't a burst of color, no rush of sensations the human mind isn't meant to understand. I simply noticed a... pulse. The rituals caught on the valley's magic, on the soul of the wild, and did... something. It probably always did, probably always pulled in on itself and focused its yawning attention on my little village, but this was the first time I noticed. When I noticed, I felt the magic shifting, and suddenly I was also being noticed. I shared an equal space in the strange attention of the soul of the wild with our village's ritualists. I didn't know what to make of this, didn't know how to deal with the strange... weight that this attention brought. Was I more significant? Was I special? Was I somehow destined for something? It didn't, doesn't, feel like that. Instead, the moment came, held for half a breath, and passed me by. The world noticed me, even while my village did its level best not to. The village's inattention is something I've grown to make great use of, since this strange event. Magic did not manifest in me the way I had been told, my entire life, that it manifested in those that it chose. My village still has no idea that I was chosen. I think... that I prefer it this way. I prefer the strange comfort of anonymity. Even in this small community of people who love and support me, I fear their reaction, should they discover I was different. If they knew that their stories and legends didn't align the way they expected them to, they might be sorely displeased with me.

Some days after the rituals, as the rune-marked logs and the bone chimes burned merrily in the bonfires we held every night that week, I felt something stir in my chest. It was like I was breathing in, even when I exhaled into an increasingly chilly evening air. The feeling of pressure grew, and it grew, and it grew some more until I came within a hair's breadth of approaching our shaman and asking for help. On the third night, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep yet again for the feeling of constant pressure building in my chest, it suddenly gave way and I felt... hollow. I must stress that I did not feel lesser. I felt as I had felt for years, as normal as could be, but without that strange, building pressure I suddenly felt... empty. I felt as if somehow I was lacking something important, some intrinsic part of my being that I didn't understand. It scared me, to think that I needed something so vital to who I was, yet could not define it for myself. I explored my body, rising to a low crouch in my bed roll. I could feel no discernable difference, no tenderness or additional swelling, or any other traditional sign of injury or ill feeling. Still, that hollowness, that void of a feeling I did not understand and could not name remained. I felt lost, confused, and extremely uncomfortable. I did finally get the light show I'd somehow been expecting, at least. My spine tingled, little semi-electric jolts of what was unmistakably power running up and down my body as the space to either side of my bed roll was filled by two more, as if there were suddenly three people living in my hut. I could not explain why, but some part of me knew, just knew that these other bed rolls would not be seen by anyone but myself, or perhaps our shaman. My two hut mates materialized slowly, filling up their new bed rolls like air filling a rug that hasn't been nailed down properly. The first to rise was so female, so feminine that some part of me stirred to see her. I'd always felt some form of attraction to women, but feeling such a way for this busty, wide-hipped version of myself felt... strange. Her silhouette showed no eyes, nor any other kind of fine detail. She was like a shadow made of golden light, regarding my general direction with a wave as if she could see me, though how could she without eyes to see? Then came the other, the male. He was not taller, not even truly that much larger, until he fully stood. He definitely caused something to stir, and I began to wonder if my fascination was such with my own body that I was the only thing I might be attracted to. He stared at me, this golden suggestion of a man, and I finally noticed what made him so distinctly male. He had the same hips as the other, but where her body held curves and swooping flow, he was rigid, stiff, and unyielding. His shoulders were broader as well, giving him a look that hinted at power, despite the total lack of muscles as he folded his arms before himself. These two golden shadows, these spirits, seemed to reflect versions of my own body. I stared at them, imagining details on their faces, on their bare forms, clothes that I might wear, should I be in either of their bodies. They said nothing. An uncomfortable silence stretched out into the night, and it was several long minutes before I realized that I no longer felt that lack of pressure, the hollow feeling of an emptiness that could not exist. These two spirits were a manifestation of my inner self, powered by magic. I did not know what to say to them, did not know what to do with myself. They stared at me for a long time, eyeless faces drinking in the night around them. Finally, as I began to feel awkward and shifted uncomfortably over my bedroll, I spoke in a hushed whisper. I asked them who, or what they were, and they answered. They gave me my own name. I cannot describe to you the strangeness of hearing your name spoken to you by two distinct voices, much less the sensation of hearing a sound that came from inside my head. They were me. I was they. The spirits nodded at me, and as we spoke they began to change. Their faces never manifested, maintaining that strange, opaque golden look, but they seemed to grow clothing around themselves like moss spreading far too quickly over a boulder. I spoke to my shadows for hours, wasting the rest of the night away as I watched in mingled joy and fascination. They dressed like I would dress, were I more like either of them. They did not seem to notice when I asked why I was not more like them, and their heads tilted to one side, then the other. That was... disturbing. Watching two grown people tilt their heads like animals hearing a sound they do not recognize felt extremely alien. Finally, they seemed to come to an understanding, nodded to each other, and then just... vanished. Their bedrolls remained, but they were simply gone. Over the following months, I began to notice these strange guests of mine throughout the village. They would hover around the villagers, mimicking the way each seemed most suited to do whatever the villagers were doing. Seeing such over-emphasized masculinity or femininity was shocking, at first. I did not know how to process the way I felt, seeing these other versions of my own body acting and reacting in ways no one else could perceive. The shaman began to worry that I was seeing ghosts. Hah. If only he knew. As the months passed, I began to mimic my strange spirits. I would dress the way they dressed, or act in ways I had seen them act. It helped me to stand out, as people who had not noticed or did not care to notice me before suddenly seemed more responsive to my presence. They did not seem to feel one way or another about whether I dressed as a man or a woman. Oftentimes, I noticed that I would get different reactions if I dressed as a woman but acted as a man. The village did not know how to handle this, at first, but they seemed patient with me. Now, three months after they first arrived in my life, my spirit friends still linger. They play-act, gambol, and seem to grow their own separate interests. I realize, as I sit over the top of my valley and the long death creeps over us, draping our valley in soft, white blankets, that I enjoy both of my spirits and emulating them. I enjoy being a woman, and I enjoy being a man, but I also sometimes enjoy making people guess what is under my tunic. It will not always be easy, I think, but I am growing very much to like this strange new normal of mine.

Production Log

Production:

Wednesday 5th April 2023:

On this day we intended to film all of the sequences we were unfortunately hindered by the rain and also the fact that to film outside the Cleveland centre we needed express permission. Once we moved on from the Cleveland centre it became clear that filming outside was quickly becoming impossible both due to the expensive nature of the equipment and the quality of the sound being hindered by the rain. To get around this issue we moved in to some of the college office spaces to film all of the office sequences with the councillor. All of these problems took up a large chunk of time however once we overcame them the whole process became much more streamlined and we effectively got the two scenes we did finished to a decent standard. To avoid this in future we will double check permissions and the weather forecast.

27/4/23: Today I intended to film a large majority of the shots I needed unfortunately one of my actors has had some issues and so was no longer available to film, this has forced me into a position where I will have to film these sequences next week, This leaves quite a tight schedule however I am capable of editing at home in DaVinci resolve and so should be able to turn it around so that the piece can be done for the deadline.

03/5/23: Today it seemed as though the whole thing was about ready to fall apart as my main actor had to pull out due to health and family reasons so it would’ve seemed that it was going to fall however I just put my headphones on and kept cool immediately reaching out to the head of performing arts to request a visit to that section of the college, he then promptly replied to me and I will be visiting the performing arts to try and source another actor. After My trip to performing arts I was unable to source any available actors, However I was able to find a work around by recasting an actor already in it and reshooting all of their scenes with a friend of mine in their place.

5/5/23:

Today we intended to film in Middlesbrough and then move onto Marske to film all of the sequences at Chris’s house. However it became apparent first thing in the morning that Ryan whose house we would be filming in was much too ill to film on this day and it became very uncertain whether we would be able to film the sequences needed. It became apparent that we wouldn’t be able to do this fortunately I was able to offer up my house to film in so we hopped on a bus and filmed at my house. Overall this was a fairly efficient filming process making good camera angles and getting done in a decent amount of time, However upon further thought it became apparent that some scenes hadn’t be filmed so plans have been put in place for another shoot at my house. In relation to the filming in town that went very well as we successfully produced all of the shots in a timely manner and to a high standard, there were very few problems besides a couple of approaches from homeless people, security etc.

12/2/23:

Today it became apparent that we needed 3 or 4 more scenes in my local area/house so we organised to have an actor come with us and shoot those scenes. Before setting off we took a quick stop in the streaming room of MC Digital to record some voiceover pieces for the Scene where the councillor read Toms letter. This process went swimmingly and the voiceovers we recorded were to a high standard and proved to be incredibly useful if not a bit quiet but that can be fixed in post production. After this process we hopped on a bus to Coulby Newham which allowed me time to plan what kind of shots I wanted to use. Upon arrival we moved to a park to record the scenes where the councillor and Tom meet up and discuss matters, this also went decently well besides having to take numerous takes for each shot due to actor mishaps and directional choices but besides this we got all of the shots done. After this we moved onto an estate to film all of the house and estate scenes and besides a couple public interruptions our flow was strong and the whole thing got done quite quickly.

public health

What is public health all about? Public health refers to the science of preventing illnesses, improving health, fostering physical and mental well-being, controlling infectious diseases, and establishing health services for individuals. An awareness of the significance of community action in the promotion of health and the prevention and treatment of diseases has emerged from regular human interactions (Bryant & Rhodes 2022). Protecting the health of entire populations is the main focus of public health. These populations can range in size from a single neighbourhood to a whole nation or continent (CDC Foundation 2022). Speaking of which, we all know about the global pandemic caused by the Corona Virus since January 2020 till today which has mutated into multiple variants like Delta, Alpha, Omicron and more. I still remember when the first MCO was implemented in March 2020 and it was truly a depressing period of time for everyone especially businesses and the economy (I literally spent half of MCO playing Sims 4 and making Dalgona coffee). Also a little rant, my mum made me wash groceries and SCRUB eggs with soap because she was scared the virus attached itself to it or something. Ok, rant over. Anyway, I think everyone is thinking the same thing... when is this ever going to end for good?

Is social media useful in spreading information on Covid-19 in Malaysia?

Let's talk about public health in Malaysia, there's an app that we all know called Mysejahtera. It is basically a contact tracing app developed for the Covid-19 pandemic. It consists of four main features. The app's primary goal is to let users calculate their risk of getting Covid-19. The software requests basic information from users about their symptoms, travel history, and recent contact with confirmed cases. After that, it divides them into risk groups and tells them what to do next. Those under surveillance would have to stay in their homes for 14 days and respond to the survey daily. Contact tracing is the second primary feature of the app. Before entering a building, users scan a QR code, and the system logs their previous 14-day visits. They can add dependents who don't own smartphones to their app so that they can also be accounted for. Only when a patient tests positive does the Ministry of Health release this information. If not, the data is archived after 30 days and deleted after 90. The software assigns unique QR codes that indicate a person's risk level and track where citizens have been. This depends on how many vulnerable individuals they have in their homes and whether they live close to a Covid-19 hotspot. The third feature is when registering for the MySejahtera app, citizens are required to provide comprehensive demographic data, including age, gender, and ethnicity. Future analysis and medical research can use this (Poon 2020). Last but not least, the app allows you to book appointments for vaccination as well as provide a certificate of vaccination after completion. Therefore, I do think that social media is useful in spreading information about Covid-19 in Malaysia mostly because of this app (of course other social media platforms like Twitter, Instagram & Facebook also provide useful information about Covid-19 rates, symptoms etc.). Though nowadays people don’t usually use the app anymore since the pandemic has kinda died down.

What about public mental health?

I'm not sure if you guys have heard of this Instagram account @buthonestly.co but they are a group of individuals based in Malaysia & Singapore who came up with a card game to facilitate conversations for people to open up and talk about their feelings. Their mission states that they wish to encourage vulnerability, and honesty with oneself and others and to discuss hard topics that people find difficult to talk about. I think this is a brilliant idea and thought it would be nice to share with you guys so do go check them out!

That's all for this week's post! Thank you for taking the time to read this. Byebye, see you next week.

References:

Bryant, JH & Rhodes, P 2022, 'Public health', Encyclopedia Britannica, viewed 16 November 2022, <https://www.britannica.com/topic/public-health/Modern-organizational-and-administrative-patterns>.

CDC Foundation 2022, Our Story, CDC Foundation, viewed 16 November 2022, <https://www.cdcfoundation.org/our-story>.

Poon, YX 2020, 'Five features of Malaysia's contact tracing tech', GovInsider, viewed 17 November 2022, <https://govinsider.asia/digital-economy/ministry-of-health-kkm-mahesh-appannan-five-features-of-malaysias-contact-tracing-tech/>.