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1moreoffkeyanthem · 2 months

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I finally did it yall I made a list of my favorite Cartmanisms bc I do in fact very much enjoy writing his out of pocket ass

“Oh speaking of,” Cartman added, “let’s just sacrifice the Insulin Bitch and the brain damaged hippie to the zaliens so the rest of us can make a run for it.”

Eric was scowling. “Only I’M allowed to make comments about you two gayasses. I say we wipe the floor with those homophobes.”

“I doubt they’ll have a vest in your size, Thumbulimia.”

“Please, I have better things to do than watch the Jew have a Post Traumatic Spider Disorder episode.”

Cartman rolled his eyes, but got up to drop a five in the Fuckwad Jar. “I hate you guys, seriously. Marj, you weren’t even in the room for the Nancy joke.” The lace trim of his robe fluttered as he sat back down, which made Stan laugh again. “What’s so funny, hippie?” There weren’t really words, honestly, but he’d try. “I just… I never want us to change, you know?” “Gay.”

Eric sung a few lines of ‘Jesus Loves The Little Children’ in a creepy horror movie voice and then sprung out from his hiding spot and started blasting on an unsuspecting youth who got too close, chasing him down the field with rarely shown athleticism.

Cartman looked incredibly bored as he clicked the magazine and snapped it back into place. “Well fuck me for being prepared.”

Cartman scoffed. “He’s not doing anything but staring up at you like he’s Sleeping Goddamn Beauty and you just kissed him out of a coma.”

“Awww, looook, you guys! They’re having a gay little hurt/comfort moment again! What, you gonna kiss it better, Kahl?”

Cartman just rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “What the hell ever, Jimothy. Go stutter about it to someone else.”

“Okay, fucking first of all,” Kyle shot a glare at Cartman, “no one’s getting sacrificed. Literally, that’s not goddamn happening. AND we’re keeping this discussion CIVIL. It’s five in the morning and nobody’s slept very much. There’s not a single guy here who’s actually thinking straight.” “That would be because half of you are gay as balls.”

“Once again, I’m moving that we leave the hippie behind.” “Cartman, remind me to kick your ass when we’re out of here.” “Good luck on that if you fucking faint like one of those stupid goats again.”

Cartman was out of bullets, but he’d taken out a good chunk of the extraterrestrial undead. “Holy shit, Kahl, you better not die on us. Cockroach, remember? You’re a damn cockroach.”

“Aight, so anyway, what’s JewBot up to?” “Still at work. He’ll be home later. We’re gonna go out to dinner with the Tuckers.” “I didn’t ask for your life’s story, buttplug,”

“Oh JESUS CHRIST!!” Oh, great. Cartman had emerged from his cave. “Did I just walk into a stairwell orgy?”

“Fuck you, Kahl. Your recycled dildo and his weirdo wingman pulled me out of a Klance slowburn.” “WHO the FUCK is reading Voltron fanfiction in 2023?!” “Some of us are dedicated.”

Eric paused his self imposed quest to rob every taco truck in GTA and set aside his controller. “Hellllll no. The vampires don’t get my blood without paying me for it.”

“Geez, pack it up, Fiddler On The Roof.”

“Fatass, if he dies in a car accident because YOU made him freak, I WILL kill you.” “Good luck doing that with one leg and a fever, fleshlight.” But his voice softened. “Just try to chill out until he gets home, Kahl. Then you can be a terrible patient for someone who actually likes you.”

“Yeah, hippie. I wasn’t going to deal with you if something happened to your burning bush.”

A certain abrasive fuckwad leaned casually against the wall. “Oh, the Bubonic Jew didn’t tell you yet? I said he fell on the stairs, didn’t I? He just hurt his knee again, what else is new.” Stan made a noise of surprise and Cartman pointed his beef jerky at him. “By the way, I really don’t get why you get so stoked about lugging him around. He’s difficult.”

Cartman scurried off to inspect a leaf. “Woah, you guys! I think I just, like, discovered empathy!” “You’re looking at a plant.” “Plants have feelings too, Khal! Look at your photosynthesizing dildo back there!”

“Like he needs an excuse to get on his high horse about shit.” “I’ll kick your fat ass,” Kyle warned. “Good luck, tinkerbell.”

Cartman had planted himself into the passenger seat, munching away at that bag of funyuns. He glanced back. “What’s the ‘sitch, Ken-Possible?”

“Because, you pussy,” Cartman said with a false saccharine smile, “you have the biggest TikTok following from your gayass little songs.

“Yep.” Cartman said through a mouthful of eggs. “Plus, Clyde has an affair going with the town vet, Butters is a total twink, and Stanny boy has a boner for the Jew.”

Oh dear god. Cartman was NOT about to babysit the argumentative dickhole while the housekeeper worked. As much fun as he was to fight with, Kyle was a fierce opponent, and Cartman wasn’t really in the mood. He’d had a weird night. The cats had been on edge.

Oh, of goddamn course. The OTHER buttplug. It wasn’t a secret. Well, technically it was, because no one talked about it, but anyone with eyeballs could see that Stan and Kyle had a gayass little private relationship going on behind Craig’s back. Good for them, or whatever, but if the Spider ever got proof…

Cartman just rolled his eyes. “Scott, you glucose gobbling ass bitch, I’ve literally butchered two people. I know the human body, okay?”

“The fuck.” Cartman’s eyes widened. “Every single one of you dildos had better be praying that there’s no internal bleeding.”

Cartman put his hands up. “Gahdamn, you guys. Just trying to lighten the mood in this hot air balloon to Hell.”

“Ay! Hippie! The Jew had to stay for basketball so I’m here with your buttfucking homework-“

Cartman definitely wanted to rip on him for wallowing in his own sadness, but the sooner he got this loser to be a person again, the better. “No shit, asshole. Your fucking fleshlight is even more intolerable without you to hold him back. You need to come back to school.”

“Also, I’m telling your little prince of Egypt that he can come over. It’s not like he’s gonna catch your Sad Bitch Disease.”

Cartman strolled around the corner, now wearing his frilly ‘widow whose husband died under mysterious circumstances’ robe.

#he’s so fucking funny #i actually love writing my favorite abrasive fuckwad #south park #eric cartman #why are so many of these OJV or from ITTG lmaooo #him in TWITR was fun too #my shit #Cartmanisms #ao3 shit #my writing #he do be callin people buttplugs fleshlights and dildos #also #long live the Fuckwad Jar

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meteor752 · 8 months

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Episode 6 and 7 thoughts

This will now be a regular thing

Also im writing this as I go

Episode 6

So Izzy thought Ed was Roach. Huh. Does he and Roach talk regularly? <- Coming from a Rizzy shipper

“Do weeeee?” Fang I love you

Oh my god, Frenchie and Jim coming to Ed and Stede like they’re kids asking if their cousins can sleep over

The crew going shoppiiiiiiiiing!!!

Frenchie’s lil dancey dance added many years to my life

Ed being nice and giving kids mon- oh never mind, oh that’s a knife okay. Ed never have kids please

“Don’t pirate kids” well listen okay I don’t have HBO Max it’s the only way I can watch this show

MY QUEEN

Wee John you’re so beautiful and amazing and we don’t deserve you

Jim’s lil mustache, like yeah me too <- Non-Binary person

Stede looks so happy about seeing Wee John!! He’s so proud of his son!

Izzy is gorgeous. I’m actually so happy to see him explore more sides of himself, and to find things he can indulge in. This whole season has really just been Izzy’s big therapy arc

His hair makes him look a bit like Cinderella’s evil stepmother though

Oh he can sing too! Izzy!!! <- A person who did not like Izzy in season one

Wee John X Izzy? Roach X Fang?

YO THE

POLYCULE DANCING?!

Ed protecting Stede….just, immediately putting him behind himself…I just…

I rewatched that clip five times

“Because I only hang out with cool pirates” Stede’s face!!! He’s just like Oh Snapppp

Despite it all, Stede and Ed are still the cutest couple that has ever graced the TV screen. Like hell yeah, make fun of people together!

Ed keeps being protective…..okay I need a moment…

Roach you’re a lunatic and I love you

“Whatever this is it’s just gonna turn me on” Izzy you’re a shining star

Also I just now noticed that Black Pete and Lucius aren’t there. I’m guessing they eloped somewhere and are currently taking care of their adopted cat

Nope okay, literally the second I unpaused there they are. That’s the worst timing

Hell yeah my dudes, I hope you broke whatever bed you used

“I’m just doing it for the lolz” Yeah that’s sounds like something someone from the 1700s would say

I know this is a pirate ship but why do they just have so many knives and swords laying about

Who is this fanged torture queen, and how do I acquire her number?

Stede remains best employer, while Aziraphale is the best landlord. Can these two people just run the world please and thank you

Hell Cat Maggie is my soulmate

I feel like there needs to be a pirate workers union

The crew of the revenge is the best found family of all time

Stede Bonnet can rival Steven Universe in reforming villains, like he’s just such a genuinely nice dude

“Alright gang! Let’s talk profit sharing”

Oh protective Stede, alright let’s go mate defend your mans

Okay but why is Stede kinda 👀 in this scene

Oh Stede, love…

OH THEY FAWHKING

That French? Izzy speaks french?

I want to see that man get dicked down

I guess the revenge now has a pet goat

Episode 7

Okay Ed is a soft boy again, aight

NO NOT THE LEATHER JACKET

The anime toast in mouth thing. He’s officially been baby girl for a long while, but we’re really solidifying it

OH THEY FUCKED

Isn’t there an anime where a mob boss becomes a house wife? Yeah that’s Ed

Oh we’re telling him about the mermaid fantasy, okay

Izzy what the fuck, you’re amazing

“He’s jealous” my darling

The polycule is going strong, and I love the absolute lack of jealousy. This is the best representation I have ever had

Oh they’re going on a date! That’s so sweet actually

It’s really sweet that they’re talking about their time apart

Stede’s famous now? Good for him!

I need to stop falling in love with every pirate lady In this show. That being said, I hope we see more of the fangirl lady

I’m reinforcing my claim that Stede and Ed are cuter than anything that has ever been on screen

OH MY GOD SWEDE

The Söt Och Saftig, my love. Also this far in and this is the first time the character “The Swede” actually says something in Swedish

Scammer Frenchie is back in business, love that

Jim and Archie trying to get their boyfriend set up is very sweet actually

The character development of Izzy going from wanting Ed to remain “Blackbeard” to him saying if being a softie makes him happy then he should do that, like I get it now, I know why you all love this man

OH MY FUCKING GOD STEDE

Can’t believe Stede is an official Slut now

Open communication? Like genuine conversation about their relationship, and the pace they’re taking it? Ed being honest that he’s not ready for the steps they’re taking in their relationship?

What is this argument

I live for Lucius and Black Pete’s nicknames for each other

“I’ve only known you for a few hours Bonnet, but I’d fucking die for ya” Same random dude. Same

Izzy🥹

Zheng and Olu are really cute actually

Oh my god the polycule will end my fucking life

DONT BRING ED INTO THIS ZHENG

“That was really mean” YOU TELL HER STEAK KNIFE

Protective Jim my beloved

Oh my god

Roach and Fang friendship?

Roach is the queen of self care

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saturn-sends-hugs · 26 days

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ok, this has been burning a hole in my notes app and i’m just gonna send it out there:

Why (i think) the Finale was Like That:

to preface, if you liked the finale, good for you!! that’s totally valid and i’m not trying to bash that. but i know a lot of people were left wanting more, and i’m one of them. anyway, to my point:

as silly as it sounds, this show is not written for us.

we’re fans. the producers already know we’re gonna watch the show. they don’t need to convince us to give them our attention, they already have it. why waste time digging into random side characters in the larger Star Wars saga when the average person doesn’t even know who that is?

their real job is to convince outsiders to watch. to get hooked. to see an element they like, probably from the main movies, and tune in, even for one episode. if they can get them hooked with fennec or ventress or hell even rex, that’s a win for them.

the plot lines wrap up in such an unsatisfying way because honestly? they cant waste time focusing more on these characters than they have to. the people writing and designing the show might love them and want to include more meaningful resolutions, but that takes too long and costs too much money. you know what’s cheaper and will satisfy the average viewer? kill the mystery clones, cut off the “trauma hand”, and wrap it all up in a nice little “look, she’s joining the rebellion, guys!” moment because the more bland and broad the ending, the more people will understand it.

i mean, remember the Fives mention? Echo didn’t react, he didn’t even stutter, he literally moved the conversation along like they were talking about where to go for dinner like HELLO. we already know they cannot be bothered to show real important emotional scenes because that would take too much spotlight away from the whole star wars politics plot or whatever were supposed to care about. (honestly, who is watching bad batch for the og trilogy implications? woah tarkin and a couple other empire dudes are talking about project stardust definitely gimme more of that and not any meaningful connection between these characters i love)

it’s scummy, it sucks, it especially kills me that the story is basically lost to corporate greed but let’s be honest, this is Disney’s Star Wars. i could literally just leave it there. meaningful moments will always be sacrificed for shock value and character cameos because the random guy seeing an ad is only gonna watch the show if he thinks “oh cool, tarkin, i didn’t know he was in that show, maybe i should see what that’s about.”

and yes, i know, there absolutely is a ton of love and care poured into this show. i appreciate the effort that went into it. i’m just sad they didn’t have full creative freedom under Disney to give us the story we wanted.

but you know who won’t sacrifice story for money? you know who’s guaranteed to have the fans’ interests in mind? you know who does have full creative freedom and is equally pissed about bad show moments and want to do them better? FANFIC AUTHORS. Fan artists, theorists, even roleplay accounts and every other type of dedicated fandom blog is here for that shit and will reshape things however they want a million different ways because that’s the point. the show simply cannot give us what we want, but we can make it ourselves.

your support, your creativity, and your determination to give these characters what they deserve is how we can solve the problem.

i didn’t really mean to turn all “we’re all in this together” here lol but yknow what i really do mean that. i think supporting the community around you is the best option we have for truly enjoying all of this show’s potential.

tagging a few people cause i value your input!! and let’s be honest i’m probably leaving a few things out that you might be able to expand on: @the-bi-space-ace @inkstainedhandswithrings @phantom-of-the-501st

#once again no shade if you liked the finale #it was basically a happy ending!! that never happens in star wars!!#i was pretty happy with it right up until they killed off CX-2 and i started seeing all the loose ends they just cut off #sometimes literally lol #i’m sorry that was a really bad joke don’t kill me—#saturn sends thoughts #tbb spoilers #tbb s3 #the bad batch spoilers

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phxntomsdusk · 5 months

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Can I request a Ted Nivison x maleReader? Like the reader is a guest on the Podcast or in one of his videos and the viewers slowly watch them fall for each other?

Butterflies - Ted x Masc!reader

warnings: swearing (just once but still), gay jokes (mostly from/towards/about schlatt), toothrotting fluff !! also my first ted fic/blurb so bare with me, it’ll def suck

tags: @ax-y10 , @joviepog (ask to be added!)

word count: 411

“So, Y/N, it’s great to have you here.” Ted looked over at you with a gentle smile, followed by Schlatt and Charlie.

You were invited onto the podcast at the last minute, but you gladly agreed to do it. There was something about Ted though the second you arrived, his eyes immediately softened and his words were much more gentle towards you. You had watched previous episodes of the podcast, and he was treating you differently than any other guest, almost like you were special to him.

You were worried to bring it up, mostly because you knew Schlatt would probably make a petty gay joke at your expense, but thankfully he was funny about it.

When you and Ted would hold eye contact for too long, he would reach a hand in between you two and snap his fingers. “Stop it, you’re practically fucking with eye contact.” He would laugh, and so would Charlie, and you and Ted would sit there with embarrassed expressions.

It was a struggle to even maintain conversation, considering Ted would get distracted midway through a sentence while staring at you.

“Ted!” Charlie reached over and shook his shoulder, laughing at his startled expression. “I swear, you guys are gayer than Schlatt, and he’s literally kissed a guy.” This of course sparked up a small argument between those two, leaving you and Ted to simply bask in each other’s awkwardness.

You knew he wasn’t one to fall for a guy easily, let alone talk about it. You were fully convinced he was straight, but the way he kept looking at you gave you butterflies each and every time.

By the time filming was wrapped up, there was a solid 30 minutes that was pure silence between you and Ted. Of course, if they were to edit, it would be easy to hide it. But you highly doubted they would.

As you packed up your things, which was just your phone, headphones, keys and wallet, you felt a hand on your shoulder.

“Hey, I was wondering if you’d be cool with hanging out this weekend? Like.. a date?” The question threw you off, he was actually asking you on a date? “Yeah. I’d love to.” You smiled up at him, watching as he nodded and turned away from you, giving Charlie and Schlatt loud high fives and frat boy-like cheers.

It was safe to say you went back home with butterflies swarming in your stomach still.

#phxntomsdusk #phxntoms fics #ted nivison #ted nivison x reader #ted nivison x y/n #ted nivison x you #ted nivison fluff #chuckle sandwich x reader #chuckle sandwich

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likeabxrdinflight · 3 months

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so as we all know, the live action atla airs tomorrow. knowing me, I'll end up binging the whole thing in one, two days tops.

I think the majority of my followers on this platform followed me back in 2020, when the animated show dropped on netflix and saw a sudden resurgence in popularity. so most of you know me as a fan, and it's not exactly a secret. I adore the animated show. It's somewhere in my top ten favorite tv series of all time. it might even be the top, I've never actually sat down and thought about it that deeply, but if I did, atla very well could be number one.

it's not a perfect show, far from it. it has flaws. everything does. but I was there with atla from literally day one. I remember back in 2005, all the tv ads for this cool, anime-esque nickelodeon show that was gonna air soon. I memorized the date and time of the premiere. I made damn sure I wasn't gonna miss it. my 12-year-old ass forced my little brother to surrender the remote for that hour and refused to let him touch it. turns out I didn't need to, because we both got invested right away. and I tuned in for every new episode from that day on. even if I was at a friend's house, I made sure we watched if a new episode of atla was airing. I was that insane about this show.

I can remember making up fake bending routines in my parents' living room (usually firebending lol). in the summers I'd pretend to be a waterbender in the swimming pool. some of my earliest drawings are of katara, aang, and zuko, and then later azula. I remember when the blue spirit first aired and presenting my brother with the "zuko will definitely become aang's friend and teach him firebending" manifesto. he was not convinced. I was devastated by the season two finale, and so vindicated by season three. I remember how long the 2008 writer's strike felt when it delayed the second half of season three. and I remember when the finale finally aired- by this point I was now 15- and just the rollercoaster of emotions that was for me as a teenager. I remember not wanting it to be over, delving into the online fandom and discovering all the different ships, fanart, fanfics, and video edits (and drama). I learned how to use windows movie maker and pirate the episodes just because I wanted to join in on the fun. I wrote a not good zutara fic that I never finished. I put my shitty little azula videos on youtube. I've been in and out of this fandom ever since.

so to say I have a lot of love for the animated series would be an understatement. when I think of the media that defined my childhood, there's really five things that first come to mind- harry potter, pokemon, anime more broadly (special shout out to yugioh and sailor moon), disney, and atla.

I say this all to establish that there is zero chance the live action adaptation could ever overtake the animated original for me. I will always love it more, it will always be the more special version of this story. I was exactly aang's age when that first episode aired. there's no replacing something like that. when I think of this story and these characters, I think I will always default to the animated version.

that said, I really am feeling optimistic about the live action adaptation. I'm frequently skeptical of these kinds of projects, especially the disney remake trend, but there's a couple reasons I feel pretty okay with the adaptation of atla. one is that there has been a recent uptick in popularity of the original. it's a good time to re-visit this story, people are interested, and it can only serve to get even more people to watch the original given both will now be on netflix. two is that I'm very encouraged to see that both in front of and behind the camera, asian and indigenous people are taking center stage. I don't think we can discount the importance of that. third, everything I've seen about this show that's not a panicked hot take on twitter or a headline pulled out of context is fairly encouraging. I mostly like what I've heard from the cast and showrunners in interviews. several reviews of the first episode's premiere have been broadly positive, most importantly to me, from actual fans who attended.

I do have some reservations. I'm not totally sold on the visual aesthetic, with the somewhat darker color palette and the contrasting saturation of the costumes. for this first season, I'm easily most concerned about how katara is going to be written. I want them to make changes and tell the story differently, but I do worry they won't find the right balance. too much change to central character arcs could deleteriously impact the story. and I will always be concerned about the portrayal of azula.

I also have mixed feelings about the sexism thing- I'm not necessarily pressed that they might tone down sokka's or even pakku's overt sexism, and frankly the "girls can fight too!" version of feminism is kind of tired in 2024. I also know several indigenous people have spoken up about how the water tribe's being sexist was not a great look. but I am concerned that, in toning this aspect down, they might inadvertently neuter katara's character arc or remove some of her best moments. I have to question how this change will impact suki as well. ironically I'm not as worried about sokka, his sexism was a minimal part of his overall character arc- but it's impact on the women around him was much more meaningful. that's what I'm more concerned about.

I've also heard that the first episode suffers from a glut of exposition that was felt necessary for new viewers but returning fans will likely find tiresome. and naturally I'm worried some things will look goofy, fail to translate from cartoon to live action well, or that some of the heart and charm of the original will get lost in translation. so yeah, there's concerns.

but generally speaking I'm more excited than not. if the show has as much love put into it as the cast and crew interviews seem to indicate, then I think revisiting this world and these characters in a new way with a new generation at the helm will be a lot of fun. the nostalgia market is definitely oversaturated right now, you can certainly argue this didn't need to exist, but I'm not going to pretend I'm not interested to see what they do with this. especially when we already got such a bad live action version- it's not like this is a new idea for atla as a franchise. there's a precedent already set for trying it again. so I'm going in with an open mind. let's see what they do- it's not like it's ever going to replace the original. it can't.

...also I think the tag I'm going to use is "natla spoilers". I've been tagging "atla live action" but I think I'm gonna switch over to "natla" primarily from now on. and believe me, I will be sharing my thoughts.

#atla live action #natla

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polyhexian · 2 years

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Nate ranks every transformers thing ever

What:

- Eugenesis

i have no idea how i can ethically rank this as good or bad. its good. its bad. its canon. its fanfiction. it is what it is. dont read eugenesis. please read eugenesis.

God tier:

- Rescue bots

i am not joking. i am not memeing. rescue bots is the best thing to ever come out of the transformers franchise. its the only series to break the three season curse and get a fourth season. it has more episodes than any other series, over 100. it didn’t get cancelled because it wasn’t popular, it ended because they ran out of stories they wanted to tell. then they dropped a sequel series with TWO more seasons. they gave nicole duboc a mainline series for this.

- Mtmte/lost light

life changing. incredible. ruined my life. saved my life. jro is my enemy. jro is my best friend. jro is my dad. i met him once. i showed him my hard copy of eugenesis i paid 150 dollars for and had him sign it. he probably thinks im insane. he DID sign it tho. i think about whirl and cdrw every day of my life

- Cyberverse

I LOVE CYBERVERSE SO MUCH... I don't think any series has captured the pure unbridled chaos of the entire franchise so well. It has so many characters and all of them feel RIGHT. I love the art style. I Love this unhinged soundwave. I LOVE the fresh and interesting new ideas if brought to the table. Season 3 was incredible. The season 4 specials destroyed me. TARN??? TARN IS HERE???

- Rise of the Beasts

I think that Bumblebee is an objectively better film, I just had more fun watching ROTB lol

- Bumblebee movie

- Rescue bots academy

BABY GIRL MY BABY DAUGHTER BABY GIRL BABY BABY

- Earthspark

- Botbots

Yes I am in fact putting botbots this high. This show was so unrepentantly funny. The goof at the beginning show us like oooh space ENERGON crashed to earth the war... Anyway none of that matters lets go to the mall. That is SO funny. They did a chopping mall parody and a Hamilton parody. The protagonist is an unhinged megalomaniac burger.

- Beast wars

don't worry about the visuals you get used to them so fucking fast. beast wars is incredible. the storytelling has so much depth. tigatrons big episode about the cost of their war against the planet and defining what protecting the planet even means changed me. theres an entire episode about farting and rampage and depth charge wanna hate fuck SO bad its fucking unreal

- Recordicons

you WILL acknowledge david willis’s contribution to lgbt history and you WILL laugh at his very funny memes

Great tier:

- Transformers Prime

- Transformers Animated

waspy baby.....

- Idw shattered glass

IM UNHINGED ABOUT SG STARSCREAM AND SG STARFIRE IM ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED

- 86 movie (Bluray remaster)

-the five minutes at the end of earthrise when cog became the main character for some reason

This was the funniest shit I've ever seen. One of the worst most boring shitty tf shows I've sat through with characters I truly care nothing for suddenly lurched sideways as out of fucking nowhere and for no reason at all a random background character suddenly took over the plot and gave the most harrowing performance I've seen in awhile in this horrifically tragic death scene that had my jaw on the floor. And then we just moved on and never spoke of it again ckdhzhcjof. WHAT WAS THAT.... LITERALLY WHAT WAS THAT AND WHY DID THAT HAPPEN....

- Armada (the starscream and Optimus parts)

It is UNREAL how good the starscream and Optimus bits are in this show. When the rest of it is pretty terrible. I would say after starscream dies it's pretty meh but not outright bad, just sort of nothin. The first couple episodes tho are so funny because they're so bad they had no script and were all but ad-libbing the whole thing. They couldn't go two minutes without getting a characters name wrong. Incredible. Anyway this starscream is legendary for being such an interesting and dynamic character with the best design ever. And just like. The coolest character arc.

Okay but also just like do not watch this show in English. The English version is awful and it is More than just a dub!! The Japanese version was finished AFTER the American version despite being animated in Japan!! Because the show! Was not! Done!!! The Japanese version of the show is called micron legend and it's practically a different show. Do yourself a favor and watched micron legend subbed.

- Victory

STAR SABER IS MY DAD OK

also the plot hinges around the premise that current autobot commander star saber found a human infant floating through space and legally adopted him. That's incredible come on

- IDW windblade mini

saren stone could kill me with a brick and i would thank them

Good tier:

- Transformers RiD15 IDW comic

-Beast Wars 2 movie

- IDW2

- MMC mnemo/notif comic *

- Transformers go!

FUCK YEAH DRAGONS

- Funpub shattered glass

- Beast Wars uprising

DID YOU KNOW EJECT HAS A FUCKING SON?

Okay Tier:

- Wfc: Siege

- Zone

homosexual

- Challenge of the Go Bots *

Bad tier:

- The rest of IDW1

- G1

I'm not sorry for this. I don't like it. Boo

- Japanese headmasters

- Armada (the rest of it)

- Energon

- American headmasters

- Robotix *

im fucking unironically convinced when this flopped they just reused the plot for headmasters

- Wfc: earthrise

- Super god masterforce

- Beast wars 2

- Beast wars neo

- Beast machines

- RiD 2001

- 86 movie (pre bluray remaster)

- Cybertron

- Vanpires *

the wildest shit ive ever seen. ive watched every episode. imagine the cgi of beast wars season 1 with integrated live action. theres vampire cars and they "drain the gas from innocent cars" when cars??? not sentient???? the human children got irradiated and now they can turn into fucking horrible car beasts. why was this fucking made

- Bayverse

- Machinama’s Prime Wars

You know a series is bad when the first thing I want to complain about is the sound mixing

- Go-bots (transformers branded)

- Wfc: kingdom

Elite one my beloved I am so fucking sorry

Burn in hell tier:

- Rid15

Copaganda to rival paw patrol

- Exodus

This book called me a slur

- Hayato sakamoto’s Transformers Legends

- Kiss players

The worst thing transformers has ever done

??? (I still havent read/watched these) tier:

- Robot Masters

- Devastation

I played twenty minutes of this

- WfC

I’ve actually played a few hours of this but i got bored and didn’t finish so I don’t feel like i should rate it, but ultimately i just found it kind of generic and it didnt grab me

-FoC

-Wings Universe

-Unite Warriors

this is illustrated by hayato sakamoto and ive seen enough of like, the horny bathtub art and oversexualized female characters to assume its most likely shit tier, but i think he also brought breakdown back to life and canonized kobd? I do legitimately want to read this eventually

-Transtech

-Marvel comics

-GI Joe transformers crossover comics

-Dreamwave comics

-new energon universe image comic

-Q transformers

I have actually watched the subbed episodes of this but, there’s so few of them and its so clearly not intended for me since this is like a little silly flash cartoon specifically for japanese fans of transformers that its like, of course i dont really get the jokes or anything so even though i found this kind of boring i dont think its bad and i dont feel comfortable putting it on a tier

- TFP tie in games

- Bayverse tie in games

- Earth Wars

Energon enema though

- IDW MLP crossover

- Nezha

Nezha is lost media but it has toys and I have one so uhhhh I guess I'm acknowledging it theoretically exists

* don't act like this doesn't count, once you're deep enough to make a list ranking every transformers thing ever made you have to start counting this type of shit too

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iguessitsjustme · 1 month

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Deep Night Ep 7 Thoughts

Just gonna blow on through these last two episodes. I don’t have anything fun to say right now. My boss texted me saying he hopes I feel better tomorrow because [redacted] is buying us Chipotle for lunch. So there’s that. Anyway. On to Deep Night 7: Let’s Send This Cop Calling Bitch to Heaven:

I’m gonna be real honest. I haven’t posted my episode 6 thoughts yet. They’re so sparse I thought I’d just finish out the show and post all of my thoughts for the last three episodes at once.

This bitch is back? Girl in your sob story be sure to mention that you blackmailed a host into getting blackout drunk and also that you were reimbursed for your phone. Literally all you lost was your blackmail footage. I hope all of your straps on your strappy heels break. I hope all of your hems fray. I hope all of your mascara runs. You seem like the kind of person that would care about all of that. *y’all catch me in the bathroom holding her shampoo bottle and a suspicious looking liquid* don’t look at me I SWEAR it’s not permanent. Her hair will only be purple for like a day. I swear.

Oh no poor Wela. This bitch just outed him. There’s a reason she was told to stop filming. Also you wanted to stay with him all night? Girl he almost needed his stomach pumped. He would barely last five more minutes with you let alone the whole damn night. I think I’m actually gonna kill her what the fuck. I hope they all get their sweet, sweet revenge because I need to see it. I need to see it.

Not the lost scholarship! Listen. Listen here. I do not trust any scholarship that does not include the ability to work as one of the terms for disbursement. He’s getting paid to study? Great! How about his living expenses? He needs to eat. Does the scholarship help pay off debts? No because I’m betting there are strict rules surrounding what it can be disbursed for and I’m guessing all of them have to do with the pursuit of education in some way. Not paying off debts. (oh look this is kind of what I do for a living myself I have a lot of thoughts about scholarships okay)

Mr. DJ Man is named James! It has been almost the whole show but I finally learned his name.

Awwww Dai. I love you.

It actually hurt Seiji to tell Ken that Pan is his boyfriend. I think there is a solution here. It’s very simple. Trust me on this. Just trust me. Date…both of them. Two boyfriends! Everyone is happy! Including me! Yay poly! *serious and stern voice while I stare directly into your soul* give. me. poly.

This is such a good moment. Such a small hope. Even when everything feels lost. Even when everything is crashing down. Even when it feels like your life is over in every conceivable way just one person saying “we can do it.”

Just one person still believing there is hope in the world. Just one person having faith is enough. They do not win as long as just one person believes they can do it. Just one person holding on to hope so fiercely can bring so many people up. “We can do it. You can do it. You are not alone.” Anyway I love Khem. Remember in the first episode when I was like “ehhh I don’t know about this guy and now I’m like Khem’s third biggest fan (right after Wela and his mom of course).

Okay *cracks knuckles* I will be watching how the school administration handles this very closely. I have a bunch of colleges on the shit list in my head. I don’t mind adding a fictional one. Why is the teacher the one in charge of this? Why is he talking about one student’s scholarship to another student? I know I know it’s fiction and I know the why but this is driving me crazy. Do you know how many times I have told people recently “I cannot discuss a student’s personal financial information with a third party” because it has been numerous times. And that’s less information than what Khem is getting! And I know they’re boyfriends and I know the point they’re making and I know all of that. It’s just…like I said. I do this for a living. My eye is twitching. If anyone familiar with the inner workings of Thai scholarships wants to tell me how realistic this is, I would appreciate it. I only got my US American perspective and it is causing me so much stress right now.

So Ken is in his sad, kicked puppy era. It makes me like him more? He just needed to soften up a bit and stop being such an ass. And honestly he did stop when he saw that Pan also genuinely cared for Seiji and he apologized for being an ass. Now the three of them kiss?

Khem suggesting poly. My man. I love him. I can’t believe there was ever a time I didn’t love him….wait it’s because he didn’t take the free cookies. I still can’t believe he would do that. But I guess he really just likes durian fries and red soda.

HAHAHSHFS;HIDG;ISHDGH WHY DID KHEM HAVE THAT PORN SO READY TO GO ON HIS PHONE AAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

Pan is so funny. Like he just realized that couples have sex lives last episode when seeing Khem and Wela going at it in the pool and now he’s having a fantasy threesome with Seiji and Ken and I love this man. I would like to order a full series of Pan. I don’t even care what it’s about. Just more of him.

Freya, I love you. But love has no age. Also lesbianism has no age. Be out and be proud girl! Imagine how happy everyone will be for you! Including Meiji (look at me learning a name. Aren’t y’all proud of me?)

I think it’s actually really important that Pan started considering poly on his own, outside of Seiji and Ken. Because if either of them introduce it to him then he will start to feel insecure about his role in the relationship. But if he feels like there’s something there before either of them have the chance to mention it, then he will see what they have has real and not as a way for the two of them to get together while he is also involved but on the sidelines. I am probably not explaining this well but I still think it’s important that Pan is thinking about this on his own.

Ope looks like it’s time for me to watch episode 8. I like the hopeful note that episode 7 ended on. Not a lot of penultimate episodes end on a hopeful note. Most of them go full drama. I like this this show is weaving the drama with hope and wholesomeness. This is how relationships should work. I am very excited and sad to almost be done with this show.

#deep night #deep night the series #deep night series #rae liveblogs deep night #just one more to go and it is...literally the shortest one

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juneviews · 11 months

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axelle judges bl shows > Step by Step

summary: Phat is a young worker at Jian Group, who develops a crush on a handsome guy he spills bubble tea on. To his surprise, though, it turns out that this handsome guy... is his new boss.

where to watch: dramacool

grade: 7/10

pros:

my favorite aspect of this show is that it embraces the flaws & feelings of its characters. it lets the relationship between jeng & pat develop very slowly (as it should for this kind of story), it lets pat kiss his ex before he ever kisses jeng & realize he doesn't love him that way anymore, and many more moments that felt very realistic compared to how other shows did it. the writing really cared for the characters' motivations & feelings which I loved.

to add to the realistic aspect of the show, this truly felt much more like a lgbtq+ show than other bl shows, which was obviously really nice & I hope it becomes a trend for more thai bl shows to come.

as someone who usually prefers shorter shows, I actually really enjoyed the longer episodes here? I don't know what it is, but it really added to the show's experience for me & didn't make the show drag on or boring. my issues are more so with the writing, but the length of the episodes actually made me more attached to the story & characters that are otherwise pretty basic.

the acting & chemistry were very good. there were some moments where I thought pat's actor wasn't that great, but jeng's actor did amazing & I really wanna see more of him, as well as jaab's actor & up poompat who honestly slayed in this role. overall the chemistry between the whole cast really was amazing too & contributed to the show feeling more natural.

the show is well filmed & you can tell a lot of care was put into it, which makes the watching experience more pleasant.

cons:

jaab & jane are truly the most underdeveloped side ship relationship I've ever seen??? nothing happened in their story, and they got reunited OFF SCREEN??? this is truly the biggest failure of a side ship I've ever seen, especially since these two had great chemistry. idk what happened here but this was NOT it.

the show really lost me in its second half when it became about pat crying every goddamn five minutes. it honestly made me lose empathy for him after a while even though he was a character I really liked at first. moreover, if a character cries all the time, it lessens the emotional impact it has on its viewers. as an example, we barely see jeng cry at all during the show, yet, when he does, it was WAY more impactful. I think there's a way to write a crybaby character, but this was not the way here.

overall basically all the side characters except chot are useless & served no purpose, also what was the point of beam being in love with ae while she's with kanun?? literally so useless, it ends up being discussed as a non issue & added absolutely nothing to the show.

I fucking hate when there's a one or two year gap in a story for no reason other than to reunite the characters last minute & pretend that ending is satisfying enough, so it's no surprise I hated the two year break in the last episode. it's become so overused in bl shows & it's fucking annoying, we saw no growth from the characters & them getting back together after two years felt very unrealistic, when pat's love for jeng had never even been shown to be that deep.

sorry but the age gap between the actors bothered me. even on screen, the fact that this is a boss/employee story will always bother me, especially since there's quite an age gap, but irl? every time I remembered pat's actor is only 21 years old & there's 11 years between him & jeng's actor, I cringed. I know it's legal or whatever, but it just bothered me during my watching experience.

I have no idea if this is nitpicky or if it bothered other people, but there are very big continuity jumps between scenes in the same episode regarding pat's actor face & haircut. he looks way younger in certain scenes than others, some that even happened one after the other. it's probably bc they filmed the pilot teaser way before the rest of the show but it was VERY distracting to me.

this is very much a me thing, but the english segments were way too numerous & long. we get it, pat's actor can speak english & jeng's actor is half white, but idk... it bothered me.

would I rewatch it: probably not...

Overall there's a lot that this show put out that I truly appreciated. But sadly it really lost traction as episodes passed, and ended up quite disappointing to me. I did still like many things & will remember this show for them, though.

#step by step #step by step the series #axelle judges bl shows #bypiningbisexuals

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thesiriusmoon · 11 months

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Alligator Valley

Summary: there’s a not so new agent in town, and Bonnie is helping out on her first case with him. A cannibal case in Florida.

Characters: Bonnie McBride (OC), Aaron Hotchner, David Rossi, Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan, Jennifer Jareau, Penelope Garcia

AU: Criminal Minds

Episode: Lucky (S3, Ep 8)

AN: follows canon but I tweak it to fit my story lol

TW: Possible mentions for gore and death, drugs use, abuse (all aspects).

Please reblog and like!! It really helps me out <3

———————————

A couple of days had gone by since Bonnie physically saw her mother, nor heard much from her at all. She was always away, and it had taken a bit of a toll of her mood. Second guessing whether or not her mother really wanted her anymore. No text messages to let her know she’s alright, just things about microwave dinners and pop tarts. Ever since Bonnie could, she had worked. From age 14 earning $5 an hour. She helped pay the bills and whatever was left was for school work and clothes. Now that she had this assistants job she had felt a little lighter. Not having to worry too much about what she would have left over, but that didn’t stop her mother from disappearing for days. The longest was two weeks then one day she walked in, drunk out of her mind Bonnie was amazed she could stand, and walked straight past her and into bed. The next morning ate cereal from the same table without lifting her head, continuously scratching her arm full of needle piercings.

The woman she looked at was not the same in old photographs when she was a baby or toddler. Her brown hair was thin and greying at only forty. Her skin so tight that Bonnie could see her mothers cheekbones and ribs as clearly as she could see her eyes. It made her wonder, if she was watching her mother wither away.

Bonnie had became quite agitated. Everything said to her must have been against her. If she were asked to do her job she’d take it as being bossed around, but would comply quietly, seething under her breath. Or if she had been given constructive criticism she would convince herself it was because someone didn’t think she could handle her own.

David Rossi was quite the character. She had read one of his books before. Detailing his journey from the army, to the FBI. It was really quite interesting. She never thought she’d be standing in the same room with the man who caught Ryland Posey. The man who set off five bombs, almost six, if David Rossi hadn’t gotten to him in time. The man was made of stone. Every time Bonnie were in his presence she found that she was too intimated to talk. His legacy was bigger than her whole life.

He spoke sternly and low, creeping her out a little bit. Also adding to her quiet teeth gritting as she didn’t like how much of a know-it-all he could be. Speaking to the team as if he owned them.

It was an hour after starting her shift, 11am, when her phone beeped, and the team were getting ready to leave for Florida.

Before Bonnie could get to the jet first like always, Penelope had appeared, popping out of nowhere, and grabbed her arms with haste. “Guess what!” Her cheeks were rosy pink and the smile on her face was just ready to burst and spew confetti.

“What?!” She jumped up and down with Penelope, the woman’s excitement rushing through her hands and intertwined hers.

“I met a guy!”

Bonnie gasped dramatically. “Shut up! Who!” Stopping jumping to get to the serious parts.

“Well, his name is James and I met him at a coffee shop!” Penelope squealed with delight.

“That’s so cute! That’s literally the ideal place right? Going in for a cute little coffee and just bumping into someone!”

“I know!” Penelope strained her voice in attempt to remain a little composed in the office.

“Well you’ll have to tell me everything and more when I get back!”

“I will! I’m very excited for our sleepover young lady!”

Bonnie felt her heart melt and ache at the same time.

There was no hiding anything from Penelope Garcia. She was infamous for it. Literally smelling mood changes. It didn’t take long for the woman to question Bonnie on why she had been acting off. And it was easy to talk to Penelope. She actually listened to her. She was just like an open diary all ready to be written all over

So then the door of Penelope’s apartment was open to her 24/7. She had insisted at first that it was too generous to offer her a place to stay until her mother returned, because it would be too often and might be longer than Penelope had expected. So Bonnie had negotiated that she’d go for a night or two, for snacks and movies, just like having a best friend. Something Bonnie never had the time to have, skipping grades and going to college at 16 being surrounded by people much older than she was.

“Don’t take too long!” Penelope waved Bonnie off as she sped towards the jet.

“So, this guy is a complete and utter psychopath!” David Rossi ranted at the screen which showed an assortment of body parts. No faces. Just legs and arms. Fingers and toes.

“Someone very mentally ill Rossi.” Derek said from across the table.

“Obviously.” The older man sassed and Derek rolled his eyes, clenching his jaw like he always did if someone pissed him off.

“Guys. Listen up please.” Hotch scolded the two like a pair of kids, before clearing his throat and putting his attention back onto the computer. “This is Abby, nineteen, she left for college and never returned home. A pair of joggers found her body in a nearby park three days later. Everything below her waist had been eaten. All ten fingers gone, and her throat slit.”

This girl was only a year older than she was. Bonnie couldn’t help but feel attacked herself. Why must it always be women?

“What did that to her?” Derek asked, pointing to what would have been the girls bottom half.

“Bridgewater's off of i-75, Which is often referred to as alligator alley For reasons that are now apparent.” Hotch answered and Emily grimaced.

“I suddenly don’t feel so bad about my alligator purse.”

“Ah, the circle of life.” Rossi commented casually.

“An alligator couldn’t have carved an inverted pentagram on her torso though right? Or slit her throat? Unless he’s really skilled.” Derek conspired.

“The locals believe that a satanic cult is at fault.” Hotch replied, and Spencer quickly intervened.

“S-Satanic cults have been debunked as a myth actually.”

“What?” Jennifer looked unconvinced.

“Yeah, it was Rossi who debunked it.” All heads turned to the older man.

“Thanks kid.” Rossi gave Spencer a nod and Bonnie almost laughed at how his face radiated.

“Cult or not, this is ritualised.” Said Hotch and Emily sighed.

“So… satanic cults don’t exist, but satanic killers do?” She asked and Bonnie also rolled the question over her head.

“Lasciate ogni speranza ch'entrate.”

The team looked at Rossi with clueless eyes.

“Oh. Thanks for clearin' that up.” Derek tutted.

“Uh, it's from dante's inferno. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here." Spencer answered proudly.

“So… yes?” Emily asked and Rossi nodded.

“Precisely.”

But the boy genius wasn’t quite done yet. “There are two types of satanic killers actually. One is the rebellious teenager. Looking for a way out of reality. Mix this with some drugs and alcohol and it could turn violent. In some cases deadly.”

Rossi looked up at Spencer who smiled. “That’s from my book.”

“Trust me, we know.” Jennifer laughed and Spencer’s happiness faltered slightly.

“And the other?” Hotch asked.

Spencer continued, a little quieter and less enthusiastically this time however. Looking down towards the computer. “The adaptive. The worse one of the two I believe. I-it’s when a serial killer begins to blame his doings on fantasies. They will adapt satanic beliefs to fit their cause.”

“He doesn’t kill because he believes in satan. He believes in satan because he kills then. Is that it?” Rossi nodded at Derek who rubbed his head. “I don’t believe in all this crap!”

Spencer never missed a beat as his mouth ran faster than his thoughts. “Maybe that’s because you never really let god into your life?”

Derek whipped around, his thick brows crossed. “No offence kid, but you don’t know what I believe in.” And Spencer gulped, sinking into his chair.

“Alright well… we’re almost there. So when we land Bonnie you’re with me and Rossi, the rest of you visit the police department.”

Bonnie didn’t have that many notes yet. All she had picked out from the group was that they were looking for someone who believes that satan is real because they have committed such a heinous act. It wasn’t much to go on, there were probably lots of people who believed that.

Following Agent Hotchner and Rossi, they were led down to an examination room where Abby’s body- what was left of it- was being autopsied.

“Sir, I’m SSA Aaron Hotchner with the FBI.” Agent Hotchner shook the doctors hand after the man removed his glove.

“David Rossi.” Another shake.

“Bonnie.” She smiled and kept her hands on her notebook.

“Thank you for coming. I’ve been needing to speak with you.” The man said shaking every so slightly. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

Agent Hotchner lifted his head with interest.

“Fingers. Ten of them found in Abby’s stomach. They’re away for testing right as we speak.”

“He made her eat them?” Bonnie asked and the man nodded.

“Yes.”

“Are they hers?” Agent Hotchner asked.

But the man shook his head. “No… these belong to other people I’m sure of it. Three are index fingers.”

“More victims.” Rossi said aloud.

“He fed her other peoples fingers… why?” She asked the other two agents with her pen in hand ready to write.

“To send a message he’s killed more. And that…” agent Hotchner sighed and looked away from Bonnie. “He’s possibly eating them.”

The man from the autopsy stopped dead. “Serious?”

“Yes.” Agent Hotchner stated in his classic monotone voice.

“Well if it’s satanism, I think we should talk to the local priest don’t you think?” Rossi suggested and Agent Hotchner nodded.

“Yeah good thinking.” And she followed the two out of the room.

Rossi and Derek decided to go to the church, while Bonnie and Agent Hotchner returned to the police station to share their findings. Jennifer and Emily had just returned from visiting Abby’s father.

“He fed her fingers? That’s messed up.” Jennifer scrunched her nose like being hit with a bad smell.

“You ever wonder what human meat tastes like?” Emily pondered to herself and Agent Hotchner ignored her, while Bonnie shook her head.

“Never thought about it, never want to.”

Before Emily could go on further about eating people, an officer barged into the office and all heads turned.

“Sir, we’ve just got a call about a woman being abducted at a rest stop near the state park. We’d like you to check it out. We think it’s your guy.”

“Alright. Emily come, JJ and Reid stay and wait for Rossi and Morgan.” The boss had ordered and Bonnie could easily see how restless Spencer was getting being stuck in this small room from the minute they arrived.

At the rest stop, the team were brought into a bathroom, a smelly one. In one stall, a red inverted pentagram had been drawn on the door, marking which one the act had been committed, possibly to tell satan it was here. The toilet lid was down and a stack of books perched on top.

“Books?” Emily questioned.

“Satanic ones. And they’re nice and neat. This unsub may have been institutionalised, seeing as we’ve profiled he’s mentally ill. The only form of control he had was being tidy, almost military. Everything else was stripped away.”

Then he paused, his thumb running over the rest of his fingers. “Host a search party. Five o’clock today.” That was in two hours.

“You think she’s still here?” Emily asked as the three strolled back to the SUV.

“Maybe. There’s only one way to find out. Plus, the woman at the store said no cars have driven in…”

“Maybe she just didn’t see it or something? On break?” Bonnie suggested but Agent Hotchner shook his head.

“I don’t know. But… hopefully this search will help us.”

Two hours rolled on very quickly, and the whole team arrived to see a whole town at the park. Flyers being handed out, snacks and water, even hot food.

Father Marks had volunteered as well, he was the priest that Rossi and Derek spoke to. Bonnie wasn’t very sure of the man, she’d never met him, only that the team are assuming the unsub has some sort of connection to worship… and could tell that neither was Derek.

“What the fuck is that guy doing here?” The man mumbled next to Agent Hotchner who rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“He’s helping with the search.”

“Hotch you know that unsubs will sometimes insert themselves into the investigations right? This dude knows about this satanic stuff!”

“Morgan, chill out. Rossi said he was very cooperative right? He knows his stuff, you interviewed him… i don’t think your dislike for this man has anything to do with this case.” Bonnie feared that Derek may land a punch on Agent Hotchners face the way the man stepped back and clenched his fist. “Let’s just focus on finding Tracy Lambert alright?” Derek huffed, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and shoved on his dark sunglasses and walked alone into the forest.

Meanwhile Bonnie landed herself beside Spencer. “They’ve got chilli over there. Who eats chilli on a search party?” Bonnie chuckled, pointing out the stand to Spencer who hummed.

“Apparently Emily.” He said as they watched Emily take a bowl and scoop some into her mouth. “I hate public food. Don’t know where it’s been.”

Bonnie didn’t mind it. Sometimes it was better than buying ingredients from the shop which costed more than a simple takeaway. She couldn’t really afford to care about who handled her food. As long as she wasn’t hungry and it tasted good.

She signed the searchers sheet and herself and Spencer stuck close together. The memory of going off alone in the woods during the Sandy Parker case crept up on her like a stalker and choked her from behind. She started combing her hair with her fingers, protecting it.

Her breathing became heavier as her eyes frantically scanned her surrounding, instinctively looking for short red hair.

“Hey.” Spencer’s voice didn’t exactly make her stop, but she now had something to focus on. “Everything’s gonna be alright. I’m here with you. And I’m allowed to use a gun now!”

That made her feel a little lighter, but with each step further into the woods she felt the trees closing in on her.

“I hope so… just the last time I did this I almost died… on my first case as well.”

“You ever hear about my first case?” Spencer asked, trying his hardest to comfort the younger girl.

“No?”

He laughed at the reminiscence. “I was twenty one. I’d never been in a fight or-or anything like that my entire life. I had just been granted permission to be allowed in the field. Hotch took the lead like always, and-and told me to go round back with Morgan. I was basically a look out.” He was smiling. “So we went around the back of this big house, and he told me to stay put while he checked the inside was clear. I couldn’t shoot by then, I was awful.” She managed to laugh a little, still keeping close to Spencer, grazing his arm as she walked through the woods.

“The unsub jumped me from behind. And I wasn’t stocky or strong like Hotch or Morgan, hell I’m still not! He took me down and whacked me hard on the head and I couldn’t see from how dizzy I was. I genuinely thought I was gonna die. That was until morgan shot him. The first time I’ve even been close to a bullet. When I sat up, I threw up all over myself. Like literally everywhere.” He began to really laugh now. So hard he could barely finish his sentence. “And then- and then, Morgan took of his top and had to physically change me. Mind you we’re in this person back garden with a dead man behind us and he’s stripping me! My shoes at that point were covered in vomit and y’know the first thing I said was?”

“What?” She asked laughing along, despite how scary it must have been.

“I asked for my mom. My mother! At my grown age being an FBI agent I asked for my mom. Morgan had to take my shoes off and carried me bridal style to the SUV. I’ll never forget that. Or Gideon… while I was in the hospital getting stitches he stayed by my side the entire time. Reading from his bird books… he knew I hated hospitals…” Bonnies smile slowly faded to a frown.

“I know you miss him… he was a great guy. From my little time with him I learned a lot! Like that time he called that man’s mum a whore? Who does that?!” She hadn’t been present from the amount of guns pulled, but agent Hotchner told her everything once they were back safely in the jet. How Gideon confronted this man named Frank and simply insulted his mother, before the man and a victim jumped in front of a train.

That insult must have really hurt.

“Only Gideon.” Spencer laughed again, but distantly. Sadly almost.

“I’m sorry he left Spencer. If I could bring him back for you I would. I know what it’s like to-“ she stopped and cleared her throat. There were some things in the world that aren’t meant to be said. Like how it was actually quite obvious Spencer lacked a parental figure. Seeing how much he admired… and actually loved Agent Gideon as if he were his own flesh and blood.

“It’s that obvious?” Spencer turned to her with a smirk. “Shit I thought I was doing well with hiding the fact I don’t have a dad.”

Bonnie snorted. “I understand. My dad passed when I was little. Just been me and my mum ever since.” Thought now it seemed like it was just her alone. Eighteen and all by herself in this big big world.

“I’m… I’m sorry to hear that. This team… it’s a family. I’ve gained a father, lost him, but I also gained brothers and sisters, and whatever Hotch is… I can’t put my finger on it…“ perhaps Agent Hotchner just had that dad vibe. Considering he had a little boy at home.

Or maybe it was his age actually…

The Tobias Hankel case file flashed quickly in her mind, and she remembered Spencer’s name very clearly, and wondered if she could risk asking about it. If there was something wrong, she’d like to know. It could help her understand the team better, seeing as this went down before she had joined them.

“Spencer…” she started anxiously. Sandy Parker no longer in her thoughts.

He hummed back.

“When I was sorting the case files, I saw one with your name in it.” The man shifted and cleared his throat.

“Oh really?”

“Yeah… Tobias Hankel?” You couldn’t have missed the flinch even if you weren’t looking. And with that she regretted every opening her mouth. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No…” he scratched his arm. “No it’s ok. We’re a family now.” She wondered if he knew how much that had meant to her. “He was a sick man. Mentally unwell. He kidnapped me, drugged me. I dug my own grave.” He scoffed sourly. “But the team found me just in time… sometimes I wish they hadn’t.” He whispered the last part, but having it be so quiet around this forest Bonnie heard, and tentatively reached for Spencer’s hand which he flinched at.

“Sorry… I forgot you don’t like to be touched.”

His face of fear turned soft, and he gave a small smile, and took her hand in his. “Only with family.”

A surge of warmth coated her body as she really smiled.

Unfortunately, after a couple hours no girl had turned up. So both Bonnie and Spencer reluctantly left the forest, despite how much they wanted to keep looking, and were met with a serious faced Agent Hotchner, and they let go of each other.

“It’s getting too dark, we have to go back to the station, JJ has an idea.” And the two younger ones shared a worried look before getting into the SUV, driven by Agent Hotchner.

Back at the station, Jennifer began reading over the search list and volunteers from the church, hoping the theory of the unsub being part of the church was right, but so far had nothing.

“Garcia’s I’D the fingers. No two are the same. That’s ten victims.” Spencer began drawing on the map. “Hey look at this.”

Jennifer, Agent Hotchner, and Bonnie stood closer.

“The hunting ground is in the middle of it all. The last time any of the woman were last seen.” Agent Hotchner thought aloud.

“He likes to stay close to home then. Gives him familiarity.” Jennifer said and Spencer nodded.

“It was prostitution that helped Garcia with the ID. I think they were easy to catch.”

The thought of her mother out all alone with strange men was too much for Bonnie, so she slipped outside and pulled a cigarette from her blazer pocket, walking around the side of the police building for a bit of privacy. Hoping none of the team would discover her disgusting habit.

It was a simple little thing that filled her with relief. A break. She started when she was 14 after getting her first job in a small take away shop that was always busy. Nipping out the back for five minutes was a blessing. The nicotine high would relax her tense body and she’d go back in after drowning herself in perfume, and feel as if she had rested well and could continue.

Quitting was very hard and sometimes she regretted ever picking up a cigarette. But on the most stressful times such as thinking about her mother, it was the only escape. The only thing to take her mind elsewhere.

It was later that night when Derek left the station, only to come running back in with the news of a body which was already on the way to the hospital, and father mark was brought in for questioning.

Agent Hotchner began. “She’s Hispanic for one. She’s not either of the women we’ve been looking for.” As amidst the searching for Tracey, another woman had been abducted. Every single member of the team had felt absolutely hopeless. How could they host a search only for another woman to go missing?

“Her names Maria Lopez, 31, 2 kids. Numerous arrests for solicitation and prostitution. But she was reported missing nine months ago.” Jennifer furrowed her brows in confusion.

“How does that work? He’s holding them?” Emily asked Agent Hotchner who was double checking the search sheets while Rossi and Derek spoke to Father Mark.

“Get Dr Fulton on the phone.” Agent Hotchner demanded and Jennifer began to dial.

Once the man answered, Agent Hotchner started immediately. “Has Maria Lopez’s cells burst?”

“Why?” The doctor asked and Agent Hotchner groaned.

“Because we think she was killed, frozen, kept, and eaten.”

The line went silent. A couple of seconds passed and the doctor replied. “Yes, her cells were burst.”

“Thanks.” And the man ended the call.

“Well that explains why we haven’t found any other victims.”

Bonnie took a shaky breath. “Garcia’s checking mental institutes still, there’s two but we’re gonna have to narrow this down.” Agent Hotchner sat down and failed Penelope’s phone.

“Now call Garcia.”

“A please would be nice.” Jennifer held her phone in her hand waiting.

“Please.”

And she then dialed.

“I’m your fairy godmother Garcia, you may grant me one wish!”

“Have you found anything in the institutions yet?” Agent Hotchner asked.

“So I can't find any patients in florida Who have the charmheg of being both a satanist and a cannibal. However, hazelwood mental institution is the place to go When looking for florida's most dangerous kinds of wackos, And they had a fire in 1998 that destroyed all their records.”

Agent Hotchner listened intently, not moving a single muscle.

“Let’s give hazelwood a visit, JJ call them and tell them we’re coming. Reid, Bonnie let’s go.” As tired as she was, Bonnie went, lunging her first steps and cracking her neck that Emily gagged at.

“What are you expecting we find?” Spencer asked from the front seat.

“A man who would have been young at the time, very mentally ill, and hopefully someone who will know of our description.”

“That’s really vage.” Bonnie piped up from the back and agent Hotchner nodded.

“But this man would also be prone to biting, like during fights or something. Hopefully someone will have a file.”

So when they pulled up to Hazelwood, that’s exactly what they did.

They were brought into a doctors office, not much decorating the area besides a couple diplomas and such.

“As I told agent Jareau on the phone, We have no existing record of that patient you described.” The doctor said feeling helpless. His hands out in front of him on the table, as if trying to grab any sort of memory that would help.

“We know. We were hoping you might actually remember a patient. He would have been an adolescent when admitted.”

“Dr Lorenz was in charge of adolescents.” The doctor replied as grief covered his sunken face.

“Is he here?” Agent Hotchner asked and the man shook his head.

“He died in the fire. He was leaving when he heard the alarm and ran back in.”

“Why?” Spencer asked.

“He was a very dedicated man.”

“Like he had something to protect? Something to risk his life over?” Bonnie then asked.

The doctors wrinkled forehead creased, and he stood up from his chair. “There was one thing…” moving towards a desk and sliding one of the drawers open, pulling out a worn out notebook.

“This boy… he wrote about taking a bite out of his nine year old sister… cannibalism’s what you’re looking for isn’t it?” Agent Hotchner took the book from the doctors hands and flipped to the front.

“Floyd Feylinn Ferell.”

The sirens were on, speeding down streets and running red lights, Bonnie gripped onto her door handle in fear of her life. She’d never been in a police car like this before.

Rossi and Morgan were closer than they were, having been at the church with Father Mark.

By the time they arrived, the suspect was in Derek’s hands, shirtless, being pushed into the back of a police car.

“That’s him?” She asked peeking to look out of the front window with wide eyes.

“Yep.” Agent Hotchner answered, and began following the car down to the station.

The team were all together again, and their anxieties had dropped slightly, all hoping this truly was the man the town was looking for. To bring justice to those dead.

The entire team stood outside of the double sided glass window of the interrogation room, all very eager that this was the one.

Father Mark was waiting with the rest of the team.

“Kobe girl steak.” The man began. “That’s where you prepare the meat isn’t it?” The man was unresponsive. “You’ve got a lot of unusual recipes in here Floyd.” Derek held up a better looking journal than the one found at the institute. “Must have tried some of ‘em?”

“Hm.” Floyd hummed down to himself.

“Talk to me.” The agents eyes digging holes into the smaller, much weaker man. “Which ones?”

Floyd slightly lifted his head in the direction of Derek. “Some have smiley faces. Some have sad.” It was the first time any of them had heard him speak. It was soft, calm, unnerving.

Despite how sick Derek just have felt, he carried on. “You ever hear voices Floyd?”

“I’m not smart. But I have a smart friend who tells me things.” Floyd responded.

“What’s your friends name?”

Floyd ignored him. “He wants me to tell you something.” And Derek waited. “Your watch has stopped working.”

“He’s trying to spook him.” Agent Hotchner commented from the other side of the glass

“Yeah uh… I’ve been meaning to change the batteries for a month.”

Bonnie hoped Floyds plan wouldn’t work on Derek, because she was certainly taken back.

Derek then proceeded to suggest that Floyd took fit women due to the fact they would have more ‘meat’ on their bones for his recipes. To which Floyd answered he thought that skinny people who took drugs didn’t taste very nice.

“Where’s Tracy Lambert?” Derek drilled, and Floyd smiled.

“I can only tell Father Mark.”

Derek excused himself and even though Agent Hotchner was against it, the man was able to take Father Mark into the room. “I do all the talking. Alright?” And the priest nodded.

Floyd immediately looked up when he saw Father Mark. “Thank you for coming father.”

“Anything I can do for-“ Derek paused the priest with a finger in the air.

“I had to pull a lot of strings to get him in here Floyd. My bosses really didn’t like to idea of him sending him in at all. So he’s gonna sit here nice and quiet, and you’re only gonna talk to me, alright?”

“Ok.” Floyd answered. “I’ve done bad things.”

“We’ve all done bad things we’re not proud of Floyd. The only thing that helps is to tell others.”

“Not everything” Floyd shook his head.

From beyond the glass, Bonnie’s head had tilted in interest looking at Floyds demeanour. He had completely opened when Father Marks had came in, and could not stop taking glances every couple of seconds to the priest. He looked, like he was planning something.

“This isn’t right.” Agent hotchner’s brows were furrowed as he too stared at Floyd. “When Floyd was at the search he signed the sign in sheet, but not the searchers.”

Inside, Derek pressed. “Come on Floyd. I got him in here because you wanted him, now it’s your turn. Where is Tracy Lambert?”

Bonnies eyes faltered around the room in thought. She could see some stalls. Snacks and drinks, then she looked up to the people. Those handing them out. “Something wrong…” but she hadn’t made it out yet.

“I feel so alone father. That god had abandoned me.” Father Mark looked at Derek for permission to speak, and the man nodded.

“You are not alone, my son. God is in all of us.”

“We have to stop the interview.” Agent Hotchner panicked.

The man, Floyd, began to grin sinisterly, twisted his head upwards, and laughed.

“So is Tracy Lambert.”

Then it all made sense.

She could see him so clearly now. Standing behind the stand where chilli was being served. She had watched him give a bowl to Emily.

Bonnie spun around to watch the said woman run out of the room covering her mouth with her hand.

“You son of a bitch- you son of a-“ Father Mark flung his body of the table and lunged for Floyds throat, Derek catching him by his waist and yelled for back up. All while Floyd watched with a grin on his face.

A face Bonnie would not forget.

Back on the jet, after Emily was done throwing up every piece of food in her body, everyone was silent.

Derek was not present, but no one paid much mind.

Bonnie brought out her small flip phone and texted Penelope. She first had to collect her things that she left at the BAU, then find a way to get to Penelope’s apartment. Maybe Agent Hotchner would give her a lift. Or Jennifer. Not Emily… Emily would want some alone time. Probably to make herself throw up some more.

Well at least she knew was human meat tasted like now…

Bonnie screwed her face up at the sudden thought.

‘Hey Penelope, we’re on the jet now, I won’t be long!’ She texted and sent, before passing out on the plan ride home.

——————————

“Bonnie! Bonnie wake up!” A strong hand was shaking her from her slumber and she jumped out of her chair in a panic.

Agent Hotchner grabbed her shoulder and hurried her out of the jet, her still being in a sleepy state.

“What? What’s wrong?!” She breathed heavily as she tried to keep up with the man’s long strides.

“I…” his grip on her tightened. “Penelope’s been shot.”

#criminal minds #spencer reid #derek morgan #aaron hotchner #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #david rossi #moreid #jemily #penelope garcia #thesiriusmoon bonnie cm #cm fandom #cm fanfic #cm fanfiction #criminal minds fanfiction #dad!hotch #father figure hotch #thesiriusmoon writes cm

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bobbin-they-burger · 4 months

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hazbin hotel review (first four episodes, spoiler free)

i literally only watched the show to see if it was any good outside of the ads and the hate on twitter and... its very hit or miss

im not gonna address ANY of the controversies in this show because it will lead to a biased opinion, but if you wanna look into the controversies, go ahead. this is only reviewing the show itself. not the producers, just the show. the cut underneath is gonna be long so be warned

the humor is either pretty good or very bad. and most of the time, most jokes are dragged down by ones before it or proceeding it. i personally find some visual gags funny, but most of the jokes revolve around swearing, sex, and violence. if you're into that, i won't judge. but i personally really don't like it.

the animation can be really beautiful at times! but i've also noticed a lot of animation errors. nothing major, but the most common one i've seen is that many charcters have a different lineart color than other characters (for example, angel dust as pink line art, while charlie has black) and it makes it look as if the characters are on completely different planes. theres a scene in the first three minutes of the show where charlie is holding onto vaggie, and it looks very unnatural to me. this isnt to mention the character design, as well. personally, i love the designs for characters like Velvette, Valentino, Nifty, and Sir Pentious, as well as a lot of the background characters. however, i don't like the designs of characters like Vox, Alastor, Angel Dust, and many more. the silhouettes of many characters end up looking extremely similar, and with the mostly red backgrounds in the show with most character's colors pallettes being shades of red, it makes it hard to distinguish the background from the character itself. the backgrounds are BEAUTIFUL, though. they're genuinely stunning, and i love the art done for them. it makes the world feel lived-in.

the show is a musical, and many of the songs are either very good or very annoying or forgettable. my favorite of the few we get is alastor and vox's song; i love the fast pace, the bickering between the two, and their general "tv and video" and "radio star" theme. on the other hand, both songs in episode three are extremely forgettable to me. i watched the episode not even an hour ago and i don't remember either of them. i also find Poison a very annoying pop song, and i really don't like that it's been stuck in my head ever since i heard the chorus. but, despite that, the music is usually the most consistently good thing throughout the show.

the voice acting is fine. some voice actors do great! alastor and husk have very unique voices, and they fit the character very well. however, my main criticism with the voice acting is angel dust. the accent is very jarring to listen to, and it feels pretty fake. again, very hit or miss.

the plot itself is what i don't like. the show often stops in its tracks to dump information on you, and it feels very shoehorned in. some episodes also have very generic plots, especially episode three. i could predict what was going to happen every step of the way. the structure makes it feel almost like it's for a younger audience, and not for adults.

overall, i personally think the show has its highlights, but i wouldn't go out of my way to watch any more. there are much better shows for mature audiences out there. if i were to rate the series, it would be around a five or a six for me. it's not atrocious, and if you enjoy the show for what it is, i completely understand. there are some great moments in the show! however, i wouldn't recommend this show for someone who likes adult animation.

tl;dr, it's a fine show, i have a very mixed opinion of it. wouldn't recommend unless you want some pretty good songs and some nice animation.

#review #analysis #hazbin hotel review #hazbin hotel #long post

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squishmallow36 · 1 year

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Fitz Vacker and the Secret Museum: I am Howard Carter

^note: title follows naming conventions of the original xavier riddle and the secret museum episodes

Summary: Biana and Fitz's family owns a museum and also a secret museum that can go back in time. Dex is friend who gets brought along for reasons. In this oneshot, they go back in time to visit Howard Carter because Fitz can't solve a crossword puzzle.

Word count: 3587 (the exact same number as my Alan Turing one. Are you proud of me? You should be)

Tw: nausea, dizziness

Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @gaslight-gaetkeep-gayboss @kamikothe1and0lny @nyxpixels @florida-preposterously @poppinspop @uni-seahorse-572 @solreefs @the-blender-of-the-genders (did Bob deactivate? Someone confirm for me please) @rusted-phone-calls @when-wax-wings-melt @immersion-blender @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees @abubble125 @hi-imgrapes @callum-hunt-is-bisexual @xanadaus @callas-pancake-tree @hi-my-name-is-awesome @katniss-elizabeth-chase @arson-anarchy-death

On Ao3 or below the cut!

Ready for adventure? 🎵Who's that kid who can travel through time? Fitzroy Vacker and the Secret Museum! Which great heroes will we find? Fitzroy Vacker and the Secret Museum! Every single boy and girl Has what it takes to... Change the world! Fitzroy Vacker and the Secret Museum! Dex! And Biana! And the Secret Museum! Dr. Zoom and the Secret Museum! Fitzroy Vacker and the Secret Museum. Shhh.🎵

Fitz steps out into the blank white space created by the Secret Museum. Dex isn’t totally sure how it can conjure things out of nowhere, but if it can manage time travel, it can do whatever it pleases for all xe cares.

Xe doesn’t even understand how the Secret Museum came to be. Or how the time travel works.

Xe gives him a thumbs up that xe turned the camera on and he says in his gorgeous, crisp accent, “Hi there, and welcome to the show!”

Around a year ago, they started filming their adventures through history and posting them on YouTube because they were bored. Everyone watching--mostly kids, at least, according to YouTube--is led to believe that they’re making extremely historically accurate videos, not actual time travel.

Besides, it’s free advertisement for Fitz and Biana’s parents’ non-secret Museum, and it’s not like there’s a rule that says the Secret Museum has to be, you know, secret. Other than the name but that could’ve been created arbitrarily somewhere in the Vacker line

“Today we’re going to meet an ah-mazing person: Howard Carter,” Fitz continues, running a hand through his newly dyed dusty rose hair.

Dex sighs inwardly. Oh, he looks so good in pink.

Another thing xe doesn’t know is if Fitz’s voice catches on the first syllable of ‘amazing’ on purpose or that’s one of his adorable unconscious habits.

Xe steps out in front of the camera to stand next to him. “Howard Carter was an Egyptologist.”

Biana pokes out from stars know where. “That means he studied Ancient Egypt, which existed for more than three thousand years and was founded more than five thousand years ago!”

A wave of dizziness hits xem and xe, subconsciously, reaches for Fitz’s hand to steady xemself. Time scales like that have always made xor head spin, even if xe has been doing this for a decade.

Five year olds probably shouldn’t be trusted with time travel, but that’s what you get when you meet someone in kindergarten and then proceed to never leave them alone for more than five minutes. Which is hyperbole, of course. If that was literal, Dex would’ve run away long, long ago.

Fitz’s hand squeezes xor own. “He discovered the tomb of King Tutankhamun, and in it, tons of artifacts.”

Dex looks at Fitz to avoid being aware the camera exists. “He spent nearly a decade excavating and cataloging his finds.”

“And he may have released a curse on himself and his fellow archaeologists for disturbing King Tut’s tomb,” Biana adds, smiling evilly.

Fitz is the only one of the three that cares enough to attempt to pronounce the fancy words. That is, words with more than, like, five letters. And he’s good at it, so everything works out. Biana doesn’t care enough to try and Dex’s face never wants to cooperate.

Dex narrowly avoids burying xor face into Fitz’s shoulder. “Curse? What do you mean curse?”

“Oh boy. Maybe we should start the show.” He presses the large red button that only serves to offer a nice place to cut the footage while editing. It makes Dex’s life marginally easier, which makes up for itself a thousand times over.

The next day, ae finds Fitz sitting in one of the benches that are more comfortable than they look across from Verdi.

“Hey, Fitz. Fancy seeing you here,” ae says, sitting next to him.

“Oh, hi, Biana,” he replies, not even looking up.

Dex wanders past a few minutes later. “Ooh a crossword puzzle!” Xe sits on Fitz’s other side despite the lack of space. “Five across is Charlie Chaplin.”

Fitz’s eyes flicker to Dex’s. “Wait, really?”

He scribbles the answer down as Dex nods.

“Yeah, don’t you remember meaning him?”

Biana supplements, “We had to cheer up Laedy Sassyfur. Ce got grape jellied. It was a very sad day.”

“Oh, right…” Fitz studies his puzzle. “Any guess what three down is? It’s my last one.”

“Most famous dinosaur.” Biana reads. “Why don’t you ask Verdi? Ve’s a T. rex. Ve might know the T. rex George Washington or something.”

Fitz exhales slowly. “Bi, fossils can’t talk. Even if ve did know the T. rex equivalent of George Washington, it’s not like ve could tell us.”

“Well, with that attitude, I guess you’ll just have to leave it blank. Unless…?”

Dex already knows where aer thought process took aer. Xe mumbles, “Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…”

“To the Secret Museum!”

Biana starts running, Fitz trailing a few paces behind aer.

“You said it,” Dex sighs. “Wait up!” Xe chases after them.

It looks like Fitz’s knee is having a not-horrible day. We’ve at least got that going for us.

Biana has decided that today they get to enter through the Egypt exhibit, where they have to line up with hieroglyphs they’ve been taller than for several years, but at least the Secret Museum still recognizes the attempt as valid so it doesn’t really matter. Unlike the dragon throne that fits at max two of them, and that doesn’t work.

“I wonder who the Secret Museum will send us to meet,” Fitz says, tracing the familiar figures. It’s a replica so there’s no reason to worry about his human oils destroying precious artifacts.

“And where we’ll go!” Biana smiles.

“And when,” Dex finishes, slightly green at the mere thought of the dizziness that comes with time travel.

They run through the wings of the scarab beetle that open up to reveal the Secret Museum in all its glory. It takes a slide down a fireman pole to actually reach it though.

As ae begins sliding down, ae calls out, “Look out below!” Nearing the ground, ae greets Keefe, a spherical red robot that assists them on their travels.

Fitz is next, sliding down the pole and waiting a reasonable distance away for Dex to follow him after running a mental pros and cons list for the eighty-four thousandth time.

Keefe beeps at xem like an affectionately exasperated parent as xe hits the ground ungracefully. Fitz helps xem up and they head together toward the central dais, Fitz beginning to hum excitedly.

Biana is already waiting for them up there. “We’re getting something!”

Up at the podium, Dex begins studying the artifact suspended in the bluish haze. “What is it?”

“Well, it looks like two weird-looking ovals. And they’ve got a line under them?” Biana describes, unhelpfully.

“Whatever they are, they belonged to him,” Fitz points at the curved screen displaying a guy with a mustache and a hat, “Howard Carter. That’s who we’re going to meet!”

“In England, in 1892,” Biana reads from aer side of the screen.

“That’s over a hundred years ago!” Dex might be ahead in math but this and making sure xe gets enough cheese sticks is the only time xe uses it outside of class.

That’s not that long ago…I won’t get too dizzy. It’ll be fine.

“I just hope he knows a lot about dinosaurs,” Fitz says, unfolding the crossword he jammed into his pocket to glance at it one last time for a reason Dex couldn’t describe.

“Only one way to find out…Ready for adventure?” Biana asks, holding out aer hand for a hand stack.

“Ready!” Fitz replies immediately, laying his hand on top of aers.

“...solid maybe.” Dex leans into Fitz for a moment, trying to hold onto the feeling of not spinning midair. Xe joins the hand stack. “Okay, now I’m ready.”

Keefe makes robot noises as they begin levitating.

Biana announces, “Here we go!” with that saccharine sweetness only achievable by a potent blend of caffeine and bi lesbianism.

Fitz ruffles Dex’s hair as he says, “It’s happening!”

“Hang on Laedy Sassyfur!” Biana calls, balancing cer on aer head for safekeeping. Don’t ask.

Scenes from all throughout history whirl around them, as does Dex’s stomach. Xe latches onto Fitz’s arm desperately in a last ditch effort as the time currents do their best to make xem somersault.

With a zap, a gorgeous Victorian estate materializes around them, filled wall to wall with artifacts. The simple white cards describing each object are short, most barely filling a sentence.

“So this is England in 1892,” says Fitz, already distracted by a pretty table. You can’t really blame him. It’s an octagon.

“Hey, I wonder if that’s Howard Carter,” Biana says, referring to a boy across the room that looks vaguely like the picture in the Secret Museum.

Keefe beeps a few times, confirming Biana’s theory. Fitz nods, “Yep. Thanks, Keefe.”

Biana doesn’t wait to ditch Dex and Fitz in their native nerd habitat. “Hi there,” ae says to Howard, almost as focused in painting a painting of an old pot as Fitz is the crown molding.

“Hello,” he replies absentmindedly.

Ae points to each of them as ae introduces them. “I’m Biana, that’s Fitz, and that’s Dex. It’s nice to meet you.”

“I’m Howard, lovely to meet you.”

“That’s a nice painting you’ve got there. Wait…does that bowl have feet? Is it supposed to have feet?” Dex asks.

“Well, not much is known about the bowl itself, but it’s been dated to circa 3700-3450 BCE, and the hieroglyph in front means ‘to bring.’” Howard answers.

Biana gets distracted by another interesting pot, asking, “What’s this pot? It has a face.”

Has a face it certainly does. And it’s not the most beautiful face that could’ve been carved into a pot. But maybe that’s the erosion. It’s probably a kjipillion years old. It’s allowed to be a little dented.

“It looks like one of your art projects, Bi.” Fitz smiles.

Biana laughs. “Yeah, it does. Maybe someday I’ll be featured in an art museum.”

“I’m not quite sure what that pot is,” Howard ays. “Check the plaque under it. I find that looking around for a bit and looking from a new perspective can sometimes find you the answers you’re searching for.”

“Good idea,” Biana nods, reading from the plaque, “Bes was a common deity depicted on pottery throughout Egyptian history. He was portrayed as short and ugly, with his face and tail resembling a lion. Because children were not judgmental of his appearance, he became the protector god of children. Huh. Interesting.”

Fitz leans against the door frame, trying to look around without actually wandering around. “Does this place have a dinosaur exhibit?”

“No, sorry. You’re going to have to go south if you want dinosaurs. Around here, history’s a bit more recent. Got some nice Bronze Age artifacts, though.”

“I don’t see how this is supposed to help me solve my crossword puzzle.”

Keefe beeps, queuing up their next location because nothing can be simple and let Fitz figure out the answer before going to a dozen places. We couldn’t have Googled the answer?

Dex sighs. “Oh, great. More time travel. Just what I needed today.”

The time travel magic zaps them to the middle of the desert. Which isn’t actually that far from civilization, but has all the sand that comes with it.

“Where are we?” Biana asks, spinning around like ae’s playing geoguessr.

“When are we?” Dex asks. Xe would join aer if xe wasn’t so dizzy already from the time travel. It’s probably in the realm of threeish decades later if the nausea is any indication.

Keefe beeps.

“Keefe says we’re in Luxor, Egypt, in 1922,” Fitz answers.

Biana stops spinning suddenly. “Hey, look, it’s Howard!” Ae waves to him. “Hi, Howard!”

Howard approaches them, brushing dust from his clothes. It doesn’t seem to make an impact.

Fitz smiles. “This is an ah-mazing operation you’ve got going here.”

“Thanks.” Howard takes off his hat and runs a hand through his hair as he looks back. “I’m the site manager here at Wādī al-Mulūk (وادي الملوك).”

The way Fitz flinches is only explained by Biana elbowing him, whisper-hissing, “Fitz, we need the translator.”

Howard doesn’t give Fitz a chance to turn it on, instead explaining, “It’s the Valley of the Kings, to you and me. There are dozens of pharaohs’ tombs around here, although we haven’t found much over these past few seasons of work.”

Dex draws in the sand with xor foot as xe comments, “Well, that’s certainly disappointing.”

At the same time Biana asks, “What’s a pharaoh?”

Someone clearly did not read aer Kane Chronicles. That’s something ae should know.

“So you know how there are kings, emperors, tsars, et cetera?” Howard asks, establishing his background information just in case ae has been living under a rock for a while.

Which is…entirely possible.

“And presidents!” Biana adds excitedly to Howard’s list. Ae’s one goal in life has been to be president since before ae could walk.

“Well, that’s a bit different because presidents are elected to their office instead of power being passed down hereditarily, but that could also work as an analogy. A pharaoh is simply the Ancient Egyptian term for a monarch.”

“Ooh, cool. When I’m president, I should change my official title to pharaoh.”

Howard smiles amusedly. “There is a bit of messiness regarding when pharaohs actually began to be called pharaohs, as is with everything in Ancient Egypt. There’s loads of history and we only have small bits and pieces of it.”

Fitz, ever helpful, asks, “Anything we can do to assist in filling in some of those gaps?”

Howard considers for a moment, likely debating whether he can trust them anywhere near the delicate ancient artifacts. “Well…we are running a bit low on water carriers at the moment. All the water bottles are here, it’s just a matter of running them back and forth from town.”

Biana smirks. “Come on, Fitz. Laedy Sassyfur and I bet we can carry more water than you!”

No one knows why ae has to make this into a competition, but for some reason ae does. He doesn’t even try to keep up with aer. Ae needs to get aer excess energy out somehow and trudging around in the dry heat is a good way to do that.

About two steps later, Fitz’s foot decides to not cooperate as he falls forward. This is why we don’t trust him outside.

“Fitz! Are you okay?” Dex holds out a hand to help him up.

“Yeah, I just tripped on that very annoying rock right there.”

Fitz steps away from the most evilest stone ever as Howard looks closer, studying it, brows drawn.

“Hang on, this rock doesn’t seem to have cleaved naturally.” He brushes away some dust with a brush, even if it doesn’t do much as more sand falls onto it.

Darth Vader’s anti-sand rant makes much more sense now. Doesn’t make it a good line of dialogue, but at least it is understandable.

Howard calls back to the people milling about just, you know, around. “Can I get an extra pair of hands over here?”

Clearly Dex and Fitz aren’t qualified enough to be trusted with anything.

“You know, that kind of looks like a staircase,” Dex remarks.

“Indeed it does, Dex. And it might just lead to something.”

An unknown length of time that feels like it’s been years passed in the stifling heat, and everyone has sand in places they didn’t know they had.

Fitz stops for a breather, pushing his hair, on the opposite side of artfully messy, back with a hand. “Ugh, it’s been hours. How long does it take to dig out a single staircase?”

“Laedy Sassyfur is so tired ce could fall over!” Biana adds, and Laedy Sassyfur seems to sigh.

“Me too, Lady Sassyfur. Me too,” Dex agrees.

Fitz looks at the few steps that have been unearthed at an excruciatingly slow pace, blinking heavily.

“Am I seeing things or are there two circley things in the sand? Kinda…like the things in the Secret Museum!”

Howard holds up a notebook open to a page with a similar symbol on it. “Do they look like this?”

“Well, there’s nothing in the middle, but yeah,” Fitz answers.

Howard climbs back up to surface level, preparing a whole lecture for Biana, Fitz, and Dex. Because this is probably something they should’ve known.

But considering Bi didn’t know what a pharaoh was, he can’t assume that they know anything.

“Those “circley things” are called cartouches. They’re the way Ancient Egyptians denoted a name in Hieratic script. Usually they’re filled in with hieroglyphs spelling the person’s name, but something must have worn this one away. So there’s a very good chance this is yet another pharaoh’s tomb, and hopefully we learn something interesting from it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must send a telegram to Lord Carnarvon at once. Thank you, Fitz. I wouldn’t have been able to see anything from where I was.”

As he walks off into town, Fitz is hit by a realization. “So…looking from a new perspective helped him find the answers he was looking for!”

Keefe makes some robot noises to deliver one final bit of trivia. There’s speculation that Howard Carter and Lord Carnarvon were in a relationship of the cognate variety. Do with that information what you will.

“Yeah, I can definitely see that,” Biana replies to it. “Those were definitely gay little thoughts going on in that gay little head when he mentioned him.”

Fitz simply nods, keeping on a one track mind of that crossword puzzle. You can’t really blame him, though.

“Keefe? Let’s go home. I know how to finish my crossword puzzle!”

A zap takes them back to the present time in the museum lobby across from Verdi, Dex’s head left spinning.

Fitz picks up the crossword puzzle, thinking so hard it’s surprising steam isn’t coming out of his ears. “A new perspective…like upside down!”

“That seems incredibly unsafe,” Dex mumbles, wobbling to a nice, safe spot on a bench to live for a few weeks.

Fitz climbs up one of the lion statues, attempting and failing to twist around enough to see upside down. “It’s fine, Dex.”

“You sound like Keefe!”

This spot apparently was not good enough as he gets up and runs to the stairs to get to the balcony.

“What are you doing now? Wait up!” Dex calls after him.

“You know, it would be easier to let him run around.” Biana says. Like ae’s superior to them.

“If you don’t make sure your own brother doesn’t fall off the second floor, I’ll have to.”

Biana huffs, most of which is exaggeration. “He’s your boyfriend. You get to take care of him.”

Before Dex can respond with a well-deserved eye roll, Fitz asks, “Hey, what does that plaque under Verdi say?”

Biana is closer, so ae gets to read. “This full-size Tyrannosaurus rex model was made in the 1960s. At that time, only five T. rex skeletons had ever been found. All were incomplete, leaving many questions about this prehistoric animal unanswered. Since then, paleontologists have uncovered more than 25 additional T. rex skeletons, including some that are nearly complete.”

“Tyrannosaurus rex fits!” As Fitz fills in the last page, holding it above his head, Dex convinces xemself that he’s doing to drop the pencil right onto xor head. “Now onto the next one! Anyone know anything about World War Two?”

Biana promptly leaves as Dex gets xor phone out to Google the answers secretly so xe looks smarter than xe is.

An hour and another crossword later, Fitz wanders into the white space of filming intros and outros, looking for Biana. “What’s a seven-letter word for a three dimensional triangle?”

Biana rolls aer eyes. “Another crossword puzzle?”

“Yeah, why?” he asks innocently. There’s no innocence behind those gorgeous teal eyes.

“This is the third one today! And it’s not even noon yet!”

“And to think, I never would’ve finished the first one if it wasn’t for Howard Carter.”

Biana glares into Keefe’s robotic soul.

Dex finally finds them, making sure the camera is on (it’s always on. Fitz and Biana don’t seem to know how to turn it off.) because this would probably make a good outro after some editing, and it doesn’t require writing an actual script. And not having to do things is a good thing.

“Thanks to him, we know so much about Ancient Egypt. Even if he did release a curse on us all,” xe says not trying to disguise the fact xe’s talking to a camera.

Fitz smiles, ruffling a hand through Dex’s hair. “Curses aren’t real, darling.”

“How do you know that?” xe replies, eyes narrowed.

“Because it’s an unfalsifiable hypothesis.” Before Dex tries to argue that’s exactly why curses are real, Fitz turns to the camera, escaping this conversation by saying, “Thanks for joining us on our ah-mazing adventure to meet Howard Carter, who used to be a kid, just like you and me!”

Biana says aer pre-scripted line with zero enthusiasm. “So kids like you can change the world. I am Biana.”

“I am Dex.”

“I am Fitz, and I know that looking around for a bit and looking from a new perspective can sometimes find you the answers you’re searching for, just like Howard Carter.”

Fitz smiles his movie-star smile, squeezing Dex’s hand.

As their eyes meet, it shifts, becoming more real, eyes crinkling in the corners.

But before Dex is forced to spend another century editing footage, Biana turns off the camera.

“Since when can you turn that off?” xe asks, exasperated.

Ae smirks, wandering off to who knows where. Probably off to go find Sophie. Or have gay thoughts over world leaders. Maybe both at the same time.

#kotlc #kotlc fanfic #fedex #detz #dex dizznee #kotlc dex #kotlc fitz #fitz vacker #xavier riddle and the secret museum

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