#i linked the playlist just in case anyone wants 2 listen :]
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My playlist as QSMP
(warning im shit at english lang so my interpretation of songs may be way off... im also ace and often miss romantic implication so.. yeah if a song has lyrics which are like about an s/o and i havent specified i probably dont mean for it to be shipping)
songs included: tongues & teeth (the crane wives), pink in the night (mitski), gb eating gb whilst listening to gb (crywank), going to brighton (fresh)
TONGUES & TEETH - The Crane Wives
hideduo fit pov
fit as a self serving survivalist from a wasteland experiencing love in this cursed fuckin island
• "ive grown a mouth so sharp and cruel its all that i can give to you my dear" habits from 2b2t even little things like his lack of trust, hasnt confided his true intentions to anyone - constant lies by omission - hes flawed and hes recognised it
• "if you're fine with that you can be mine like that" theres very much something going on with hideduo but fit is insistent on his baby steps bc he doesnt want to hurt pac. 'are you fine with that?'
• "you gotta know that this wont last" this is soooo fit coded bffr. i adored the conversations fit n ramon had but one thing that stuck out to me was that he would always specify that only he and ramon would escape. never mentioned anyone else. selfish in the most understandable way
• "i will ruin you, its a habit i cant help it" again 2b2t ingrained habits that never leave. linked w above point, hes selfish and that isnt necessarily a bad thing just not great for a blossoming relationship
• "i will love u like the ashes in my cigarette box" hc 2b2t!fit smoked - ramon told him off once but now that the baby's gone hes picked it up again, a headcanon bc i cannot imagine ccfit smoking since hes such a health buff - feels so out of character lmao
strong thoughts about qfit no one even try to fight me - his entire character occupies a space in my brain
PINK IN THE NIGHT - Mitski
phissa missa pov
devotion easy
• "i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you"
• "can i try again and again and again"
i dont think i need to say more - tbh this could go for guapoduo too but the "can i try again" made me think of missa + how he wants to live up to phils expectations
GB EATING GB WHILST LISTENING TO GB - Crywank
phissa still missa pov
"in a busy room youre all i see" literally THEM sorry during the mexican independence event they were literally all they could see.. them doing the dance together - it may as well have just been the 2 of them + phil jumping in front of missa to take pics of him alone w/o him noticing
"calm down dont let her see how fast your heart is beating" missa saying "im speaking weird so the translator doesnt pick up, i love you" THIS GUYYYYYYYY
"i think about you but i know im not good enough" bffr mr missa "ill come back when im a good enough father" sinfonia
"and I built you up to much, now I can't say what's on my mind in case I go and scare you away" missa doesnt want to burden phil because he feels like hes been such a bad father compared to phils dedication - now that hes back he doesnt want to disappoint him anymore
"and how could i compete with the world at your feet" missa coming back to like 3 men at phils whim LMAO
"i wouldn't want to hurt you by letting you hurt me you don't deserve to feel guilty"
"i just want you in my life"
sorry im so obsessed with their puppy love
GOING TO BRIGHTON - Fresh
tubbo coded, i mean with the name i had to give it to him
in my mind hes talkin to phil
• "things i care the most about dont seem to ever get old" his excitement over everything even the simplest things is so refreshing
• "i feel the fire inside me trains passing over head" his determination posing a unique threat to the feds and i feel like its such an important part of his character. also he likes trains :)
• "there are things i learnt inside my head that they cant ever take away from me" lil bugs and just knowledge of the game make him a great bug tester for the admins lmao. this guy takes any chance to glitch his way through life
"starting over is a sign of strength"
also honorary mention to that one person who said the garden was codebreakerduo coded because you are so right and true and based and i think of that post everytime i listen to that song. being so normal by peach pit was very celltw (is that what pac and cellbit are called?) to me but i didnt really have much reasoning
#qsmp#qsmp philza#qsmp fitmc#qsmp tubbo#qsmp missa#qsmp cellbit#im so qsmp brained i cant even listen to my music without thinking of these cubitos#hekp
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Hey hello I made a thing! As perhaps a few of you know, I have spent the last half a year being completely unhinged about Patrick O’Brian’s Aubrey-Maturin books, and I’ve always been particularly interested in the character Stephen Maturin and his relationship to Catalonia. I saw that there was a lack of stuff about this part of his identity, and, being me, I felt the need to fill it in the only way I could: compiling music and yelling about it for thirty pages. Hence this playlist.
You really don’t need to know anything about these books to listen to this playlist. You also don’t need to know anything about Catalan (I hope). Catalonia and the Catalan Countries in general (including Valencia, the Balearic Islands, and parts of southern France, Aragon, and Sardinia) have a really interesting musical and literary tradition, and I wanted to make that more accessible, so I put together a few songs I liked, translated them, and wrote a bit about each of their significance, including the most important cultural tidbits I could. Some things don’t translate super well, and I hope my Catalan followers will forgive me for trying to adapt them more for English-speaking audiences than perhaps would be preferable; I usually don’t choose to do that, but in this case I wanted to open the door, and not to intimidate people.
Now that that’s out of the way, here is a link to the PDF of the liner notes (graphic design is my passion, as they say): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1MUpRM84W8aypznEIrt0eA1jG5OxaRZvz/view?usp=sharing
Under the cut I’ve included the ephimera and unnecessary commentary that you know and love, feel free to read or ignore it as you will
These roughly follow the order of the songs and are varying levels of seriousness
If you like "Sant Joan, feu-lo ben gran" then I'd highly recommend listening to the whole Tornaveus album. I almost included the “Stabat Mater de Sudanell” and the “Goigs de Sant Julià de Lòria”, which are both from western Catalonia, and they also have more cançons de pandero, in perhaps a slightly more traditional style. A lot of the other songs have interesting cultural commentary in them, especially on feminist topics, and they’re very well-researched because literally one of the members of the group is basically the ethnomusicologist of Catalan music at the moment. Anyways, if people would like the liner notes perhaps next time I’m home I’ll scan them, they’re in Catalan and English and very well-written. Also note the legendary Lluís Llach song which has been turned into a polyphonic piece lol (and I did not include the “Goigs de la Nostra Senyora de la Llibertat” but tbh that might have been a mistake on my part) (Blorbo side note that I think this fits Stephen’s childhood very well which is mostly why I chose it)
“L’Hereu Riera” is one of my favorite Catalan folk songs I love it so much and if you want to hear the Catalan version (as opposed to the Valencian one included here) and see the dance and also see a cobla, I am including a link to this version by Germà Negre which is tragically not on Spotify. I chose the Valencian one because (1) Al Tall and (2) I think it fits The Blorbo better (specifically I was thinking of his fiancée who dies before Book One who idk if anyone ever remembers shdjfhskf). That being said, Stephen would probably know the Catalan one (and almost certainly not the Valencian one). Also, on a memey-er note, Hereu Riera bisexual king and literal icon <3 love how he has to remind his girlfriend on her deathbed that actually he'd technically be interested in both her sisters AND her brothers if he wasn't so into her that he never wanted to marry anyone else
I literally did put in Roger Mas just so there would be at least one person with a Lleidan accent, #diversity win
Many points about the “Cançó de pandero de l’Urgell” and “Jo no canto per la veu” so here we go:
I put these two songs in mostly because I got very obsessed with the cançó de pandero from Alcarràs (which is a great movie that came out last year about a farming family in a village near Lleida that is winning all the awards atm). Anyways, since Carla Simón has been too busy winning things to put up the gotdam soundtrack, I did a bit of digging and it turns out that it was written for the movie?? By her brother??? It's excellent and very anticapitalist and you can listen to it here and see the trailer for Alcarràs all in one! (Includes English subtitles)
The original “Canto per un amic meu que per mi daria la vida” is probably from a Valencian cant de batre, although I could not get any confirmation on that. But regardless everyone should listen to Pep Botifarra's version of it, which I would literally marry if it had a physical form it’s so so good. (I posted it here back in ye olden days but it's been long enough I think I can post it again)
Valencian music side note because I can’t stop myself: the second pair of verses in the "Cançó de pandero de l'Urgell" (starting with “vos esteu ben acotxada…”) are sung by Miquel Gil, who is a very famous Valencian traditional singer, anyways you should listen to this version of him singing “Del Sud” by Obrint Pas (you want to go down a Valencian music rabbit hole so so bad)
I firmly believe that Stephen would canonically be obsessed with Ausiàs March, and the fact that he has not yet recited any of his poems is Patrick O’Brian’s biggest failing in my eyes. Anyways I have more thoughts but I’m saving them for other posts shdfjsd
If you read this before listening to the playlist please just listen to "El testament d'Amèlia" and follow along with the lyrics in real time before reading the blurb, it's such a good experience to let that song hit you as it comes. I won't say more than that but you'll get it when you get it. (Also obligatory listen to Marala they're so good <3)
From the Càntut album, I also quite like the songs "El pomeró" and "El divino vull cantar", and Càntut in general is an incredible resource, it's a database of folk song field recordings from northeastern Catalonia.
Brief pause to scream about the fact that Maria Arnal and Marcel Bagés WERE ON NPR??? AND NO ONE TOLD ME???? Anyways link in the sources section, also they're great and you should listen to their whole discography
As the #1 Roba Estesa stan blog on Tumblr, listen to Roba Estesa. And Ebri Knight. And El Diluvi.
I chose this version of "La presó de Lleida" because I like it but here's a more traditional one sung by Joan Manel Serrat, another Catalan legend. Here's another one in Catalan rumba style with Sílvia Pérez Cruz singing, the sound is a bit wonky but it's also one of my favorites. The Valencian version of this song is called "La presó de Tibi" and El Diluvi have done a very explicitly anti-monarchical rendition of it (the Balearic one is "La presó de Nàpols").
I'm sorry for never putting the Sílvia Pérez Cruz version of "Corrandes d'exili" but if you want it here it is. Also note that the statue of the Virgin in the poem is a reference to the Virgin of Montserrat, it literally all goes back to her shfjkshdf (also apologies for being very bad at Christianity and Catholicism, if I mistranslated things let me know)
HOO BOY SARDANA TIME
Okay so I have a whole essay to deliver on this that I've been holding inside for the past like two months or so, I apologize in advance for my excessive pedantry on the topic.
In Master and Commander, Stephen delivers this speech:
"‘Then I must tell you that on Sunday mornings it is the custom, in that country, for people of all ages and conditions to dance, on coming out of church: so I was dancing with Ramon Mateu i Cadafalch in the square before the cathedral church of Tarragona, where I had gone to hear the Palestrina Missa Brevis. The dance is a particular dance, a round called the sardana.’"
I hate to be a hater but it is very, very unlikely that anyone would have been dancing a sardana as far south as Tarragona in this time period. The sardana as the symbol of equality and brotherhood emerged in the Renaixença and would not yet have been a thing; Stephen could well have heard sardanas in Ullastret, but they would have been a more typical folk dance, and not anything like the way they're described in the book. It's very ironic, then, that they've become THE Catalan music style for Aubreyad readers, but hopefully this playlist can change that a bit :)
(also sorry for being a sardana-hater on main, someone bring me to dance a sardana and maybe I'll feel better)
Songs that didn't make the cut: La cançó del lladre, Rossinyol que vas a França, La balanguera, La gavina - I'm always happy for more recs!
Originally, this list was also going to include songs in Irish; I quickly realized that I was in over my head with that one, but the working list of songs is here (may be subject to changes so save songs elsewhere if you like them!). Also I would add "Fé Bhláth" by Imelda May and Kíla if it was on Spotify but alas it is not; and "Amhrán na Leabhar" which I have not had time to add but was kindly recommended by someone. I'd love it if someone was interested in actually doing a proper playlist for Irish though—it's a gap in my knowledge that I'd love to start filling.
Aaaaaaand that's a wrap. I hope. Final comment to say thank you to everyone who voted in the cover image poll, turns out you all won :) (Pirineus did win and take the cover of the liner notes though)
#my masterpiece is done i have peaked i'm retiring now#jkjk but i've been working on this since like. november#so it is kind of insane that's it's finally done#please notify me of any mistakes or corrections <3#and hopefully this is enjoyable for you all!#it's a little funky at times but i think it works???#it's not really a playlist. it's more like one of those weird compilation albums that i definitely didn't consume too many of as a child#did kind of want this to show up in the aubreyad tag but i wanted links more so rip :// anyways here goes nothing#aubreyad#catalan#catalan:general#catalan:music#catalan:reference#catalan:culture#general:music#general:reference#general:culture#there'd better not be any typos or i'm fighting someone
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HOW DO YOU WRITE SO AMAZINGLY WOULD YOU HAVE ANY TIPS I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF UNPERSONS IT'S SO GOOD
eeeEEEEE thank you so much!!! That's really sweet of you to say - I'm so happy that you're enjoying the story so far!!
This is honestly the first I'm I've even attempted to write anything of this length before, so I'm amazed it's been received so positively.
I am by no means a professional writer, nor have I taken any creative writing classes or been to any workshops, but I'll just let you know what I tried to keep in mind, as that seemed to work for me! Take this with a grain of salt, though :)
When I was in the midst of writing, I was absolutely hyperfixated. The story was literally all I thought about. I only listened to the playlists I curated for it on repeat, even when not writing or drawing concept art for it. It was honestly a little unhealthy lmao but it gave me the stamina and inspiration I needed to sit for long hours and just write.
First things first: I wrote a really rough plan of how I wanted all of the scenes to play out, color-coding the headings by perspective. I even gave each segment heading names that were eventually removed from the final draft of each chapter. For example, here are the perspective titles for chapters 2 and 3:
And here is a random screenshot of some of the plot outline from Chapter 3:
I'd put random keywords in there along with media references and links to concept art etc to jog my brain as well.
This helped me to keep overarching goals in mind when I actually began to write the chapters themselves. I also wrote everything in order - I never skipped over writing certain scenes. That might work for some people, but not me hehe
What's very important to note though is that as I was in the middle of writing each chapter, I simply wrote what felt right. If something seemed to just work better, even if it went against my initial outline, I would write that instead.
Additionally, I constantly assessed my strengths and weaknesses. I feel far more comfortable describing physical and emotional reactions than I do writing dialogue, so I would always pay particuarly close attention to the dialogue I wrote when editing. I would often read whole segments out loud so as to avoid as many cases of "he-would-NOT-fucking-say-that"-syndrome as possible.
Also, I would take frequent breaks. If a scene I was writing just was not coming together, I'd stop writing for a while rather than burning myself out.
I tried to take into account some advice I heard from somewhere else as much as I could, namely to balance descriptions of the environment with dialogue, both internal and external. I tried to catch myself whenever I noticed I was dedicating a huge, uniterrupted chunk of text to only dialogue or only environomental description.
Another thing: I like using figurative language. A lot. Probably a little too much. But I like being dramatic and artsy (a bit like my characterization of Hetch, I suppose), so I would include a lot of metaphors and similes within my writing. I feel like it helps to paint more of an abstract picture and let the reader fill in the gaps themselves with their mind rather than to give too many minute details, as that can get boring pretty quickly.
Lastly, I revised my drafts many times before I sent them to my beta readers, checking mostly for continuity errors, flow, and any grammatical/spelling errors. I'd often do my revisions aloud to myself, as I tend to catch more awkward sentences that way as opposed to just reading it silently to myself!
Hopefully some of that is helpful :) Honestly, the biggest piece of advice I can give is to just get out there and write. I didn't know I was capable of pulling this off until I sat down and did it. And, most of alll, I was writing more for myself than anyone else. In other words, I just had fun with it! I didn't really care if people would resonate with it, all that I knew is that I enjoyed writing it myself. Thankfully, that seemed to come across! I'm still blown away by how Unperson has been received so far. I'm really looking forward to getting the chance to get back to writing it again!
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i want to ask u questions about the star rebirth au!!! but idk if they would be considered spoilers or anything but whatevs!!!
1 - how did the culling game end? like, do u have a list of characters u plan to bring back from the dead/keep alive or leave dead/kill?
2 - idk if i asked u this bfr but do u have any songs/playlist in mind for this au?? if so, pls leave the link to it!!
3 - did u had any outside inspo to make it? like other animes/movies/books?
4 - do u have any idea of how many chapters u plan to write??
anddd thats all i have (for now)!!! this au has been living on my mind rent free lmfao and above all, thank u sm for writing this!!!
That gif of Anya just touched my heart. She is so precious!! Anyways!!
There are spoilers mentioned for the manga though! So anyone who isn't caught up, I do advise you be mindful about continuing on!
Also spoilers for the Star's Rebirth AU if you haven't read those fics yet. [Link below for those who do want to read it.]
1 - In this AU, it pretty much ended the same way it does in canon (since the manga is now in a different arc now), but there are some slight changes I gave such as have Takako and Yuji meet, therefore she joins the others against Sukuna and Kenjaku. I loved her character too much so I decided to put The Pink Sky and Cherry Blossoms in the AU. I'm glad I did because I enjoy writing her.
It's the same case with Yuki. Here, she doesn't die. She survives. Hana and Takaba are still here, too. The Kyoto students are also in this AU.
Kenjaku is actually still alive, but immobile.
Hiromi, I do want to write him in somehow. I haven't decided to either have him die or have him survive just as Yuki and Satoru, I forgot to mention him, have done. Probably the latter.
Now, yes, some of the characters that are dead in canon are dead, but it doesn't mean they probably won't make an appearance.
Cases being Suguru and Kaori, both who are dead in canon, but they did have speaking roles in the fics (His Mercy and His Mother, respectively). Kaori, I needed to write a fic for her desperately.
The only one who are explicitly dead in this AU but stil alive in canon is Sukuna. Uraume, I'm actually living that ambiguous for the timing being.
I'll be honest, when I first wrote His Role, it was just on whim as with most of my fics. Even the fics that follow. I don't exactly plan on who will show up or a scene, but I have an idea and as I write, I create that vision as to how I think it would fit in. I just go with the flow!
2 - I actually don't have a Playlist! I just listened to whatever songs that I wanted, but four songs I do remember listening to on repeat during His Role and His Mercy was Fujii Kaze's Matsuri and Shinunoga E-Wa and Kvi Baba's Tired But Fine and Tombi (which is Trigun Stampede's opening song). During the writing for TPSaCB, I repeated Megan Thee Stallion's Cobra. I love that song and it actually helped me captivate Takako's emotions during that fic.
3 - Actually no! His Role was written during a time I really wasn't feeling like myself at all. I had an idea and I went to putting words together. Writing that fic helped me feel better. And truth be told, I wasn't expecting the reception I got for it. Though, it does make me happy.
4 - I have no idea how many fics will be added into this AU. To be honest, when during the writing the first fic, I didn't plan to add a sequel but I decided why not? The timing was perfect since Yuji's birthday was coming up and I wanted a fic out for it.
Here's the AU for anyone interested. ⤵
And please feel free to ask questions anytime!
#kiya answers#kiya answers questions#kiya writes#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#the star's rebirth au#star's rebirth au#jjk fic#jjk fanfic#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#itadori yuji#itadori yuuji#uro takako#kenjaku#kenjaku jjk#higuruma hiromi#geto suguru#itadori kaori
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Akward Class Favorites The Playlist 2023
I thank y'all for being here. I thank myself for being here. Somehow you and I made it through another year and another Akward Class Favorites and that is a win in my book. I do this thing, whatever this is, because it brings me joy. Regardless of all the missing pieces or the things that will show up later cause I lost them in the couch, I'm still trying my best to show up for that joy. Before I officially close us out though, we gotta phat playlist to listen to. I'm also gonna add in some life-notes, cause I like to talk and I overshare and what better way to do that, than through an annotated playlist. Once again, thank you for sticking around and if you're new here thank you for showing up. As always conversation are encouraged on this blog. Let's see what comes next.
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Notes:
This is not a strictly 2023 playlist, but the 2023 songs will be clearly marked.
There is a story or flow that I tried to create once again, but you do not need to know any of that to follow along with the playlist. You can listen in order, shuffle, pick and choose, do whatever you want.
That being said if you’re following along from the beginning and reading along, the anecdotes that follow many of the songs aren’t really apart of that story, they’re just extra pieces of sometimes “personal” information that I include because it’s fun for me.
When I’m collecting YouTube links for these songs, I’ll often find a live or alternate version that I really like and will share that instead, or in addition to, the original/studio version. I will note when I do this, however the full Spotify playlist will have the “correct” version.
And to make sure I included the YouTube links in general, the formatting for the whole post might be a little off, sorry.
Side note: I wrote all the songs how they show up in Spotify, which is why some are capitalized and some are not. (Just in case anyone was wondering.)
Key:
⭐️ = Songs that came out specifically in 2023
🕚 = Songs that came out in November/December of 2022. (You know the late babies.)
✊🏾 = Songs by/featuring Black Artists.
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There is something here for literally EVERYONE, so if you don't find something you like, you didn't listen hard enough. Enjoy!
1. ⭐️ Gans Media Retro Games - Hot Mulligan
Why do I keep trying to spell Hot Mulligan as "Hott Mulligan?"
2. ⭐️ CHRONICALLY CAUTIOUS - Braden Baless
I relate to this song on a core level.
3. ✊🏾 Anxiety - Meg Thee Stallion
I know less than nothing about this current beef, but it's always gonna be team Meg!
4. I'D RATHER DIE - AS IT IS
It was a rough summer.
People who know me in real life, I promise I'm fine.
5. ⭐️ Lost - Linkin Park
Happy 20th Anniversary to Meteora! These unearthed tracks fit that era so well.
6. ⭐️ Rational - Matt Maeson
Stop describing me lol.
7. ⭐️ No Shoes In The Coffee Shop “Or Socks” - Hot Mulligan
8. ⭐️ 20 Missed Calls - Braden Bales
The video is of a live session, but Spotify will have the recorded version.
9. How Do You Know It's Not Armadillo Shells? - Hot Mulligan
10. I Like to Hide in the Bathroom at Parties ft. The Knocks - Winnetka Bowling League
11. ✊🏾 Stupidfreak (Audiotree Live Version) - Juice
12. ⭐️ Nevermind - Between You & Me
13. Fake It - State Champs
14. ⭐️ It Won’t Be Like This Forever - Neck Deep
15. ⭐️ NEW LOVE - BOYS LIKE GIRLS
16. First Date (Acoustic Cover) - Taylor Acorn
17. PERRIER - Braden Bales
It's just so cute and it makes me want to find a crush and be in giddy kind love.
18. Sundress ft. Four Years Strong - State Champs
This song also makes me want to be in love.
19. Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
Second first kisses or first second kisses?
I definitely wanted to be there and wanted to do it again. Also it wouldn't hurt if you thought things would have gotten better the next time.
This is filler a version cause the actual song that played was a heavy punk cover of this song and I don't know who sang it.
20. ⭐️ ✊🏾 Buckle Bunny - Tanner Adell
Be a little thot-y. Have a little fun.
PS: This post has been written for quite some time now, but with the new conversations being had, I just want to add that Yoncé didn't invent Black Woman in Country music and she is not the revival of such things.
21. Nonsense - Sabrina Carpenter
Dress a little thot-y. Have a little fun. Flirt a little. Fall in love or hard core like.
22. ⭐️ Breakfast For Dinner - Winnetka Bowling League
This song is hella cute.
Y'all don't understand how much I want to be in love.
23. ⭐️ The Places We’ll Go ft. Dashboard Confessional - Yellowcard
24. 🇵🇸 sun and moon - anees
My best friend had baby, but more relevant to this list, a baby-shower that was themed after the moon and the stars. She asked me to make the playlist and I understood the assignment.
Free Palestine!
25. Spaceship - Andy Grammer
More baby shower playlist gems. Also this song is hella cute and I recommend it to all the parents.
26. Act Like That ft. Mitchell Tempenny - State Champs
27. An Irish Party in Third Class (Includes "John Ryan's Polka" and "Blarney Pilgrim") - Gaelic Storm
25th Titanic Anniversary in Imax 3D. Let's just say I finally got my "Dinner and A Movie," you know the one that Harriet The Spy was talking about.
28. ⭐️ ✊🏾 What’s The Move ft T-Pain - Watsky
29. ⭐️ FIGURE IT OUT ft. YNG Martyr and Stafford Beats - Chandler
I only really like Chandler's parts and if you heard this from this from TikTok, yes the Chandler Shimmy has a hold on me too.
30. ⭐️ THE OUTSIDE (Outsiders Version) ft. 30H!3, State Champs, The Summer Set and The Ready Set - Boys Like Girls
This collab is top tier and I'm still geeked about seeing most of them in one lineup. Also not to be rude, but what part does The Ready set do? I've been trying to figure out what he does and the answer doesn't seem to exist for me.
31. 31 - Mike Edel
32. Miles Apart - Yellowcard
This was my summer anthem for 2023. It's just such a perfect fit.
33. ⭐️ ONE MORE TIME - blink-182
PERFECT! No notes.
It gives the same energy as Back Together by The Summer Set, both of them make me want to cry.
34. ⭐️ 2005 - Story Of The Year
I'm not mad at it. Let all the boys come back and reminisce, especially if it involves anniversary tours.
35. ⭐️ NOTHING LIKE THE LAST TIME - Watsky
I am celebrating. I am not crying. I promise you.
36. ⭐️ Don't - Wild Rivers
This song is so good, but I ran away from it because feelings are complicated and I thought I didn't know until I realized I did and then it was over. PS: You can always ask me how I feel or felt, conversations haven't expired yet.
37. 🕚 Forget Me (Piano Acoustic Version) - Lewis Capaldi
38. are you okay? - Winnetka Bowling League
This song is everything, moody, sad, caring…. all the feelings.
39. Untitled - Rex Orange County
40. ⭐️ That’s Not How This Works ft. Dan + Shay - Charlie Puth
41. ⭐️ That's Not How This Works (Sabrina's Version) ft. Dan + Shay and Sabrina Carpenter - Charlie Puth
You can skip this one if you want, I just listened to both versions back to back every time, so it was hard to not include both.
42. fiimiy (fuck it, i miss you - Live Version) ft. Demi Lovato - Winnetka Bowling League
Sometimes you just need to let yourself say the words, even if you don't act on them.
43. ⭐️ Heartbreak Of The Century - Neck Deep
I feel like I'm finally getting back into Neck Deep, not that I really stopped I just didn't listen to their last album and it feels so good to be back.
44. ⭐️ BLOOD AND SUGAR - BOYS LIKE GIRLS
I love this song so much, it's hella groovy, but I'm sorry I can't ignore the fact that it's essentially "why doesn't she like me?" or "why won't she go out with me, we're all just human?"
Or hey to be more forgiving, "why does she make me feel this strongly if we're only 'blood and sugar?'"
45. ⭐️ Daddy Issues… - Bury Mia
46. MakeDamnSure (Cover) - Hot Mulligan
47. 31 - Soul Glo
This was the first song that popped up when I was looking for songs the day I turned 31 and I will say it's not for the white faint of hearts. It goes hella hard though.
48. Fuck You - The Used
49. *Equip Sunglasses* - Hot Mulligan
50. ⭐️ ✊🏾 Roll The Dice - Fluorescents
I walked around singing that 30 second bit from TikTok for a good minute there. I was probably annoying.
Although I do enjoy the song, I wonder if TikTok is just feeding me pizza. Do I really like these songs or do I only like the 30 seconds I've heard 100 times. (I'm gonna make a playlist of my music folder on TikTok and get back to you on that one.)
51. Forward - Linkin Park
Songs 51-54 are what I considered to be my safe music for a period this summer cause I was just so sad and nothing was making me happy for the longest time, so thank you Linkin Park and Disperser CA for being the "good guys."
52. Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park
Again happy 20th Anniversary to Meteora, thanks for being there when I needed you.
53. ✊🏾 Snake Eyes - Disperser CA
54. ⭐️ Easier To Run (Lofi Version) - Less Gravity/Linkin Park
55. ⭐️ They Don't Make Pills For A Heartbreak - HONESTAV
I heard it late one night and wanted to cry.
56. Monsters - James Blunt
57. ⭐️ Cut Deep (Live Version) - Matt Maeson
I think this was from my date of the Never Had To Leave Tour, which makes it extra special.
58. I Need You - Relient K
TMI, I thought I was breaking up with my sister (will not provide any further details) and through this song, among others and prayer, we're comforting me. I'm okay, but still working on healing wounds.
59. Brown Skin Girl - Blue Ivy, SAINt JHN, Beyoncé & Wizkid
It's here in the name of my self love journey.
SPOTIFY LINK!
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tagged by @ambivartence and @chenleyah💖 to rank this year's kpop title tracks that i've listened to!
>> link to site here
s-tier are the songs that, in siyuan's words, i probably made my entire personality at some point this year lol (to be honest i am still addicted to maniac like the song and the mv and lee know's dance moves and everything); a-tier are songs that i simply love and are in at least one of my playlists somewhere; b-tier are songs that i like but not necessarily at my all-time fav level
then c-tier and below: c-tier songs are ooookay, not necessarily bad songs but not songs that are on repeat for me; d-tier are songs that i didn't really vibe with personally (i'm sorry wonpil and taeyong i love you but those songs were just not my style idk 😭 i can see why people like them though); f-tier is just f-tier haha (i actually like some of davichi's songs just not that one lmao)
other title tracks (i think, or at least songs with an mv) not mentioned in the list that i liked:
strawberry cake - xdh (a-tier)
talk 2 me nice - saay (a-tier)
case 143 - skz (b-tier)
mood - dpr ian (b-tier)
back down p1h (i know this is cheating because it literally came out less than 24 hrs ago lol but a- tier for me :D)
tagging: @tyongsies @shorelinnes @alrightyaphroditie @jinniebit @snug-gyu @hyunebear @yyukhei @leemarkies @strayz + really anyone who wants to do it because i am curious about other people's rankings :D also feel free to ignore if you don't want to rank 100+ songs like me lol
#i feel like some of these are definitely controversial 😂 sorry LOL#that's the beauty of music right? haha#honestly now im wondering if drummin should be in my s-tier because i fuckin love that song#2 baddies and maniac are like crack to me#not that i do drugs lmaooo#and im sorry i do like glitch mode but it's not my fav dream tt hahahaah#DONT COME AT ME#tag game
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Music Meme
Okay, I know I am super late at this stuff but here is my response for the music meme.
I was tagged by @hazely-sims and @simstryingtheirbestok. Thank you so much for the tags lovelies! ❤️
🎶✨ when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, and publish. then, send this ask/tag 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)✨🎶
It is very hard to choose the songs for this because I listen to a lot of music. I love so many of them. But here is my list of songs I've been listening to on repeat or a lot my whole life (under the cut)
I don't believe I know enough people to tag 10 but I'll do my best. I'll be tagging them here because this is a long ass post and I don't want to force anyone to go through the whole thing. Anyone who's tagged, it's been a while since this circulated so I have no idea if you guys did it before and if not don't feel obligated to do it.
Tags: @squeezleprime, @echoweaver @treason-and-plot @kamel-simmer-ts3 @yliel @novapark
n.5 - Ghostcity by Thomas Azier
youtube
Found this one while I was watching Lucifer and been obsessed with it ever since. The lyrics just speak to me.
n.4 - Galvanize by The Chemical Brothers
youtube
I have been listening to this song for more than 15 years (I was born in 95). I was introduced to the song by a friend who was like a big brother. One of my all time favourite songs, never tire of listening it and always go back to listen when I'm in the mood.
I have looked high and low to figure out what they mean when they say "it's time to Galvanize" I still don't get it but love it all the same.
no.3 - Moonbound by Anzo
youtube
Easily one of the songs I've listened to the most in 2022. It's like it says, Moonbound. Listening to this song just takes me out of my body into deep thoughts and I love it. It's like there is a promised land of happiness in the neon light and synthwave. This song inspired a whole playlist dedicated to similar songs as I realized how much I love synthwave, EDM and Melodic House. Here is the link, in case if anyone likes synthwave. I know there aren't many of us out there.
no.2 - Tali by Jack Wall
youtube
I play a lot of games along with Sims and Mass Effect is easily the one I love the most out of all. If there are any Mass Effect nerds out there who reads this, they'll know when this song plays. It's when you go to help one of your mates, named Tali, who's in trouble. I died so many times when I did that mission. So, so many times when I just couldn't figure out which route to take on the battlefield. All that time this song was playing but it was the most fun I had even though I died countless times.
no.1 - Sunrise Prelude by Daft Punk
youtube
I know that this film, when it came out in 2010 (I believe) wasn't the best received films. A quick look at some reviews in Youtube will tell you that is not the case anymore. It was one of the first films which used the de-aging technology which was mind blowing to me back then. The graphics, music, story, the neon design everything about it I was in love with.
There are no words to describe how happy watching that film makes me. I watched it over and over again, late at nights, whenever I was alone for 13 years now. This goes for the music album as well. A lot of young people knows, or heard about Daft Punk thanks to their collabs but to me, songs for this film and this whole album is their masterpiece. These days, the album is my go to when I am out jogging. I re-live the film every time I'm out there and I've pavloved myself further with the endorphin of jogging mixing with the music so I become happier when I listen to it.
This song comes up when Sam and Quorra are looking into what Quorra imagines to be the sunrise. Someone who looks out into sunsets and general horizons often when brooding, the moment just speaks to me in my soul.
This is my playlist for the album in order of appearance in the film. I doubt I'll find another nerd who loves the movie as much as I do but just in case.
I doubt many people will read this long ass post but for those who did thank you! I know you don't recognise most of these and it's okay. Music is the most personal thing anyone can listen to imo. No one will ever feel the way I feel when listening to these and I won't be able to do the same for others, and that's okay. I enjoyed writing a little homage to some of my favourites.
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Hey Fellowship of the Fics! Please welcome @lordoftherazzles!! 👏🥳 Razzy decided to share her thoughts and impressions on her fic: Where The Shadows Lie.
Question 1: What parts of this story were easiest to write?
I don't think much of this storyline has been necessarily hard, by any means, it's one of those where if I feel silly or am in the mood to write something ridiculous, this is where I go. But I think the easiest part so far specifically revolves around Thorin and Bilbo's interactions. I'm so used to writing them that it's just second nature for me. It doesn't matter the AU verse, they're always easy and fun to write together, even when they're being sassy and snappy at one another, in comparison to their lovey-dovey selves in other places.
Question 2: Which side character would you be tempted to write a side story from their POV and why?
Definitely Frerin. He's such a fun character to explore in this fic, and with the fic itself already being on a chaotic level, making him absolutely unhinged is downright hilarious to me. Though I'll bet we'll see some more Frerin-centric bits within WTSL soon enough!
Question 3: QUICK! In 10 words or less, give me a compelling tag that will make me want to immediately read this story!
Fuck and Suck (Yes, this fic is rated E, in case you were wondering)
Question 4: Are there any songs you feel your readers should listen to while reading this fic?
I have a whole playlist dedicated to this fic, which I would be happy to share if anyone wants to see it, but honestly, like WWDITS, the best song you can listen to is You're Dead by Norma Tanega
Question 5: What/who gave you the push to post this awesome fic?
Honestly, my obsession with WWDITS really helped springboard this fic into the universe. But as it's kept going, those who are fans of the story continue to push me to continue it!! It's so much fun! Special shoutout to @dentarthurdent for the banner and this BEAUTIFUL artwork in neon WWDITS fashion, that has helped tremendously!!
If you haven’t read this story yet, go back up to the top and be sure to click the link. Also if you haven’t seen Razzy’s works before, here are some other fics that she has done that are worth checking out as well:
Between Vices and Virtues
As The Tide Turns
May Your Forge Burn Bright
If you would like to get you and your story featured in Monday Mentions, please click the Application Link! If you have any questions/concerns with the form, please feel free to leave an ask or DM one of us! Questions will be updated each month so repeat writers and stories are welcome. New writers will be prioritized.
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8,11,30!!!
8.What's an old project idea that you've lost interest in?
hmm oh man I think there's lots 🥴but uhhhh there's a story I wanted to write out in a sort of tumblr ask blog style about this radio host in a post-apocalyptic town who had caught the ire of the big bad guy. Their name was Jaz, I've posted abt them a few times before, but I could never figure out how to end it LOL. I still keep Jaz close to my heart, though. (2 pictures to shrink the size LOL)
11. Do you listen to anything while drawing? If so, what?
oh god yes. If i dont listen to something I'll die. I'll watch light t.v., a rtvs stream if anyones live or there's a vod i wanna watch, or just some music I like. I have playlists for characters but they're not NECESSARILY like. the ones I put on while I draw them every time. If that makes sense. (im proudest of the one I made for The Instance, it fits their character the best LOL)
30.What piece of yours do you think is underrated?
oh ummmm hm. maaaaybe best worst case scenario? (gore and body horror cw for the link) it's probably one of the pieces im proudest of but it never really went very far LOL. I don't mind too much though, I'm just happy it came out so well ^_^
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hey friends! this is just a quick intro post in case you want to know a bit more about me/the blog🤭
** DISCLAIMER**
PLEASE BE KIND in this blog i will not entertain ANY hate/aggressive/mean interactions THEY WILL BE DELETED OR IGNORED, in the past where i did respond, it never left my mind and i never knew how to react, leaving me to be negatively affected by someones fleeting thoughts. so to avoid anyones displeasure please be respectful and conscious of your actions and words!! if not- 👉🚪we dont need that energy here
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*im also on mobile so apologies for any bad formatting😭😭
hello! my nicknames may and i use she/her pronouns. when sending any msgs id appreciate a quick hello but as long as your being polite i will gladly respond. feel free to address me as may or any other (kind) phrase (e.g queen/baddie?? anythings fine as long as youre being nice)
do u see the theme😘
i like to keep my age off of here simply for privacy but i can assure you i am not a minor, but if you are, you are welcome on my page any time just be aware i do swear and the content that i reblog can be nsfw, but ultimately you are responsible for the media you decide to consume.
i do not write fics(i always reblog them tho😉/also beta! so if youre a writer in need just lmk) idk if i ever will(write)but i dont realistically see that happening😭.
in the search bar for my page you can see all these hashtags, i typically tag “give it a read💋” for any fics ive betad and “she speaks🗣️” for any post thats just me yappin💀
and any character names (like finnick odair, peter parker etc.) are the bulk of fics that i reblog and you can find works for that character under those tags!
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im a full time student based in sunny california😍, my favorite things have to be fruits(tops gotta be strawberrys, cherrys anddd green grapes), fics, and folklore (3 fav f’s💋) (and yes i am a swiftie). last time i took the personality test i got ISTJ, but i swearr im still an infp. every single test i took told me i was a hufflepuff (were not lame i swear), and even though i swear up n down that im a laurie.. i might be an amy😔( i want to be great or nothing😫) and a song that i just feel for is probably a three way tie between teenage dream by olivia rodrigo, this is me trying by taylor swift and dreamer by laufey(not someone i typically listen to but whenever spotify puts her song i always love it)
favorite artistss gotta be the big three taylor, lana and ariana (nothing offish theyre just my most listened) and drake.. and bad bunny.. and olivia.. and sza.. and beyonce.. and the weekend.. and rihanna
- if you want a grasp of my music this is a LINK to my most played playlist
- this is a LINK to my more lovey/ sweet songs, its all in the description💋
*if u give em a listen and u wanna put me on.. msg me!! id love to hear your recs
my hobbies include playing music, i play guitar(kinda goodish) and i wanted to pick up piano too (idk if ill ever get to this😭) i also found that i love to do puzzles, and i wanted to start scrapbooking (looks fun af lowk). a few other things i love is definitely just jamming out to my tunes, sleeping😫😫, watching movies, playing w legos😭, PLAYING WITH MY DOGGIESSS (i have two, rocky and lily both are maltese poodles💋💋), baking (hate the clean up tho) i also love selfcare, its always good to prioritize urself but i mean the cassie method of everything showers, lotions, body oils, body mists/ perfumes, face masks, skin care (allllllll the goodies) just to finish the day off with a fic (its deadass my nightly routine to shower, get ready for bed/unwind, tumblr)
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now onto.. CELEBRITY CRUSHES!!
-CELEBRITY not character, but if i missed any lmk😝
-this is a long one so bearrrrr with me
my top 5 currently is🥁🥁🥁
1. sam claflin (been obsessed, still obsessed, i dont see this changing *unless timothee wanna quit playin🙄)
2. tom blyth (tbosbas was life changing.. hes so💋💋)
3. andrew garfield (im considering moving my man up to 2 bc hes an og for this list likee hes been on my brain since he was fan casted as our remus lupin and will stay there😌)
4. jacob elordi (newest addition, saltburn edits is the sole reason why hes here plus hes so fucking tall like i deserve that height difference *for reference im 5 ft😈)
5. timothee chalamet (i love him so much BUT HES DOWN HERE BC OF KYLIE😭*he would be 1 otherwise🥲)
for other hotties ..
OSCAR ISAAC🥵🥵😫-i need this man in bed rn
charlie brushnell😘-new addition but again he is taking over just like pjo is
tom holland- zenny baby he is all yours but that man shirtless? YUMMYYY
tom hiddleston- only rzn to watch the thor series
theo james - YOU THE ONE FOUR ME hes so fine i watched divergent (still a great series) for him n i was not dissapointed
aaron t— johnson- i do not want to mention his 🤐 but he is so fine his calvin klein ads?? KICKASS??
ben barnes- shadow n bone.. YUMMY YUMMY🤭🤭also sirius? likeee runaway to my house?
cillian murphy- ik he lowk looks like he got a bad case of botox.. BUT CMONNN PEAKY BLINDERS???
callum turner- i knew i was hooked since that harry potter movie he has like 10 minutes in🥰🥰
dylan o’brien-ima be honest im not DIE HARD in love but this man was fine since maze runner and teen wolf n will be till hes in the graveee
henry cavill- enola mf holmes.. INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR BROTOHER LIKE😍😍😍 i need this man to investigate all my internal organs
hugh laughton scott- hes just so pretty i just😘
harrison dickinson- love at first sight of darkest minds😍😍( its a discontinued movie (supposed to be) series) i need him in more shit
joao felix- my bestie pmo fifa AND HE DOES NOT DISSAPOINTT
josh hutcherson- i could not make this list without pookie
matthew gray gubler- i need him to read me to sleep, sing me to sleep, talk about anything so i can sleep, he brings me so much joy with that smile and hes so sweetie pie i could go on forever
robert pattinson- TEAM EDWARD FOR LIFEEEEEEEE
drew starkey?- idk his name but hes the hottie who plays rafe cameron IVE NEVER WATCHED THE SHOW (or anything hes in) but holy shit that man is tall and pulls off ANY hair cut
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well if youve made it this far thank you for taking the time to read this! if you want to know some more about me msg me in any way and ill respond, maybe ill add that info here. thanks again for your attention! love you all😘
#she speaks🗣️#introduction#whole explanation for what happens here#lmk if smt needs more elaboration ig?#but thanks for clicking!!!
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Hiya I was just reading your writing process, and I kinda have a suggestion/request if you don't mind... you said that you have some pictures for inspiration, when I saw the vanity it fit a lot better in the story then the one that i was thinking of, so ig my suggestion/request is that you post the picts of the inspos like as a post itself not with the fic but like you dont need to post it the same day as the fic or for every chapter.
But this is just a suggestion/request so please don't feel like you have to do this and just take care of yourself, I have seen too many great writers quit tumblr because they feel too pressured to write/finish stories, so I hope you and your gf keep having a fun time whilst brain storming for future chapters/fics.
first of, the way you worded this ask is so polite n sweet ｡･*･:≡( ε:) to anyone whos reading this, i just wanna let you know that i do not mind suggestions—in fact i encourage them (as long as they're friendly like this ask 🦢) so dw!! i dont mind.
to answer this though, the other day i actually started a Pinterest board for the visuals/aesthetics for this fic!! cause i knew from the start i wanted to include some visuals BUT i wasn't gonna do it until chapter 2, cause thats when i really start describing things/world building. so what i think im gonna do is just link my Pinterest board to the last two chapters as well as a playlist that i have (in case you wanna listen while u read 💟). i also have a tag that i use on here when i reblog inspos for the fic—which ill put on the tags of this post <3
#୨♡୧ — 𝒊𝐍𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝑬𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄#୨♡୧ — 𝐈 𝐖𝑨𝐍𝐍𝐀 𝐁𝐄 𝒊𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐐𝑼𝐄𝐋#^ thats the tag to look out for#also ty for telling me to take care of myself n not feel pressured <3 me n my gf will definitely continue to enjoy brainstorming 🐥🧠⛈️
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Best New Heavy Metal Releases Week of March 17th, 2023
Another crazy week of insanely good albums. I usually try to pare down the “Best of the Week” section to only 10 albums or fewer, as I feel most people obviously don’t listen to as much music as I do and 15-20 albums in that section could be overwhelming. That being said, there are weeks that making cuts is incredibly difficult. This is one of those weeks. Saw an article this week where the lead singer of Avenged Sevenfold commented that the Metal genre is lacking in innovation and quality….certainly true in their music, but not from what I hear on a weekly basis. Somebody needs to send him a link to this site for educational purposes. That type of attitude prompted me to do this in the first place. Ill give him a break and assume he just doesn’t know any better as there are a ton of people out there that won’t listen to anything that isn’t promoted by radio. For a fan of this genre of music, that is a terrible existence that I couldn’t even comprehend. Going to keep the highlight section shorter as there are just too many incredible albums to limit only talking about 5 of them. With that segue out of the way…
Riffobia-Riffobia (Thrash)**
This has already been an exceptional year for Metal overall, but as far as Thrash goes, it has been a bit of a barren wasteland. Well, that issue is officially over. Riffobia is an old school riff heavy (guessing the point of the name?) Thrash Metal band out of Greece and DAMN do they ever lean into the almighty riff! This is old school Bay Area Thrash that will make ANYONE smile that remembers that era fondly.
Night Demon-Outsider (Traditional Heavy)**
Night Demon are hands down one of the very best Traditional Heavy Metal bands out there today. This is a genre that has gotten bigger and bigger over the last decade and the quality has ramped up exponentially. There is not a single weak album in this band’s discography and I swear they are just getting better and better. Fantastic album that will be stuck on the playlist of any fan of the genre for quite a long time.
Kamelot-The Awakening (Power/Progressive)**
There were more than a few people that were left disappointed by Kamelot’s last album (The Shadow Theory), me included. That being said, with the talent level in this band there was no way you could ever write them off and this album is absolute proof of that fact. This album is (In my opinion) the best thing they have done since “The Black Halo” back in 2005. I, for one, am absolutely thrilled to see/hear this.
Ethereal Sin-Time of Requiem Part 2 (Melodic Black/Power/Symphonic)**
This mixture of Black Metal and Power Metal has really been taking off lately. Brymir had one of my favorite albums of last year and Ethereal Sin is in that same vein with some added Symphonic flourishes. if you are into this genre, this is a easy decision recommendation. Catchy as hell Melodic Black Metal or aggressive as hell Power Metal, whatever you want to call it, its great.
Suotana-Ounas I (Melodic Black/Melodic Death)**
There have been quite a few bands melding different genres together with great results. Usually, however, there is a one genre that dominates the other to a certain extent. That is not the case here. This is probably the closest 50/50 split I have heard of Melodic Black and Melodic Death Metal. This really feels to me like what Dark Tranquillity would do if they made a Black Metal album.
Thunderspell-Thunderwarriors (Heavy Power)**
This almost didn’t make the highlight section as the production needs some work (It’s not terrible by any means) and it is straight up Legacy of Kings era HammerFall worship, but damn, this is just too damn catchy to deny it a spot.
Mystic Circle-Erzdamon (Melodic Black)**
I really liked Mystic Circle’s self-titled album from last year but more than a few were luke warm on it. I’m not sure if this will change minds but I feel this is a step up from last year’s album in every way. Leaning more heavily into the Melodic part of their brand of Melodic Black Metal with less emphasis on keyboards was a great way to go.
Foretoken-Triumphs (Melodic Death/Symphonic)**
Three songs into this album and I was online ordering the vinyl. You would think that made my “Pick of the Week” a straightforward choice. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as I have a couple of other albums from this week also on preorder and since Night Demon will play a show near me in less than two weeks and I’m hoping to pick up their vinyl there. This is definitely Melodic Death Metal but it is some damn HEAVY Melodic Death. All of this heaviness is perfectly countered with some absolutely superb solos. The overall guitar work on here is damn near flawless. I ended up making this my “Pick of the Week” as all things being equal, it was simply the album I came back to the most. I easily listened to this album close to a dozen times over the week and I can not wait to get this one on vinyl.
That will do it for this week. I will apologize for the length of the post this week but I couldn’t help it. I HAVE to highlight great albums when they are this deserving. Go out and support some of these bands when they are in your area. It will make your life infinitely better, guaranteed. Until next week, and as always,
BANG THY HEAD!!!
All worthy of a listen if you like the genre
*= standout in that genre
**=best of the week regardless of genre
Best of the Week
Foretoken-Triumphs (Melodic Death/Symphonic)**
Riffobia-Riffobia (Thrash)**
Outlaw-Reaching Beyond Assiah (Black)**
Suotana-Ounas I (Melodic Black/Melodic Death)**
Mystic Circle-Erzdamon (Melodic Black)**
All Against-The Day of Reckoning (Thrash)**
Kamelot-The Awakening (Power/Progressive)**
Ethereal Sin-Time of Requiem Part 2 (Melodic Black/Power/Symphonic)**
Narnia-Ghost Town (Neoclassical Power)**
Night Demon-Outsider (Traditional Heavy)**
PLC-The Gates of Castle Black (Melodic Death/Thrash)**
Thunderspell-Thunderwarriors (Heavy Power)**
Standout in their Genre
The Answer-Sundowners (Hard Rock)*
Humanrise-You’re Never Alone (Heavy)*
Diglossia-A Wraith in Revue (Melodic Black/Gothic)*
Embryo-A Vivid Shade on Misery (Melodic Death)*
Chelsea Grin-Suffer In Heaven (Deathcore)*
Downfall of Gaia-Silhouettes of Disgust (Post Black/Atmospheric)*
4arm-Pathway to Oblivion (Thrash/Groove)*
Litost-Pathos (Black)*
Wilt-Into Nothingness (Death)*
Deadnation-Following the Path of Death (Death)*
Elysion-Bring Out Your Dead (Gothic)*
Arthrosis-Libri Septem (Thrash/Groove)*
Blind Oath-Blind Oath (Heavy)*
Death Reich-Disharmony (Death)*
Pressure Points-The Island (Progressive Death)*
Redemption-I Am the Storm (Progressive)*
Stormwarning-Stormwarning (Heavy/Hard Rock)*
Sostre-Sostre (Black n Roll, Psych, Stoner)*
Wardress-Metal Til the End (Heavy/Teaditional)*
No One Alive-Don’t Leave Your Child Alone (Heavy)*
Sulfure-Anthropocene (Death/Thrash)*
Worth a Listen
Turrigenous-Vesper, The Evening Star (Progressive/Rock/Thrash)
Entropia-Total (Black/Post)
Temtris-Khaos Divine (Heavy)
Kruelty-Untopia (Death/Hardcore/Doom)
Carbellion-Weapons of Choice (Post Grunge)
Eowa-The Year Without a Summer (Black)
Expunged-Visions of Agony (Death)
Foretoken takes the pick of the week on an insanely strong week. Even Isabella is shocked by all the quality this week..:)
#black metal#metal#music#classic rock#folk#hard rock#hardcore music#rock#death metal#punk#power metal#thrash metal#heavymusic#heavy metal#heavy music#foretoken
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A note from the author:
Streetlight Diaries is not flawlessly designed. It is, after all, a real diary. Its words are often snap reactions to bold feelings; paragraphs I wrote in the moment that got a light edit before being transferred onto the page. Fall Out Boy once projected, “I hope you sing along and you steal a line,” and I suppose that lyric is my mission statement, although I will admit that it’s not the best system for readers who are after more than a pretty phrase, or readers who think this might be written about them. But after early years of cringey confessions, we like a bit of mystery on this page. If you think I like the idea of you reading my thoughts, believe that the idea of you second guessing their meaning sets me on fire. However, I do want to reach you. So let’s practice, and pick one apart together:
Skanking in the spare bedroom -- I did that.
When I was younger, I thought the line sung, “This fucker has been playing since the day you’ve been with him,” and I felt that. This opening line is a reference to the circumstances surrounding the last time I was in the position of feeling this way for you. Oof, coming out swinging. I miss the veil of mystery already. Figure out what the line means, figure out when we were in that circumstance.
I do this thing where I think ahead, get myself ready for what could be coming. “This time next week,” I’ll say, “They’ll be gone. I will have seen them one last time, and I will have made it count.” I do this thing where I practice getting my heart broken so that if history repeats itself, I won’t be quite as crushed. See the post “More than you notice I wrote this for you,” for further explanation. It’s the next one down--yeah, I had a lot to say . . .
A long-since buried love has been zombified just long enough to trigger a playlist. I am not talking about some high school crush, you incredible dork. October 16, 2008: hey listen--I can’t promise you that I’m going to forget about you, but I’m going to pretend that I have so you can have space and we can still hang out.
And in case somebody besides cr is reading this, here’s how things have gone down up until now:
• “Barbed Wire”
• “All Downhill from Here”
• “My Friends Over You”
• “Trainwreck"
• “Stay (I Missed You)”
• “Hit or Miss”
“Previously on Streetlight Diaries…” I’m using the themes of the songs to represent the general phases of my well-recorded tragedy in an effort to catch readers up on the storyline. A pop punk Spark Notes, if you will. Listen to the songs, guess my eras—“this is when she went to Patent Pending!”—it’s fun.
Now (or, again) (repetitions are always hints, look back to previous posts. I link my posts together, so if this one is about you then the one I’m repeating must be as well), I sit alone on the floor of my apartment (his ghost against my neck). For a series of reasons, I can’t be the one to call him (we were supposed to be phone friends, but I’m so afraid), so as New Found Glory slips through the wires, I secretly hope it will trip some cosmic line that connects him to me (it worked too). I’m not really sure how else to proceed (October 16, 2008: I feel all of that, plus the fear that I’m not supposed to feel it). I am often reminded to trust those more mature, wiser, and even older than me (it’s not a phase, mom!), but I think—if anyone knows what to do, it’s her:
At 17, I walked up and kissed him before we’d been introduced (my first love). At 20, I skipped classes to stand around a playground with him (Arnold Palmer and a Pack of 27s) and 2 years later, went and saw for myself (skip surgery, go on tour!). At 27, I listened to the overwhelming need to stay close (Sea Cliff), and last year, I followed my feet back home (Will you be around?). These previous versions of me were absolute disasters, but their reasoning (or, lack there of) led me here. If there’s anyone I need to trust, it’s her. (I’m decidedly taking cues from the younger versions of myself; they were pretty bold, huh?) “I told you I’d call,” he says (The last song of 2022).
Lovers lie. We change (Nostalgia is fun, but I want more. I don’t care what happened, show me what’s next). The butterflies in my stomach are nauseous to theirs. (How exciting is it, to be nervous to see someone again? I’ve had so many chances, turn my back and I ran away. Have I waited too long? We’ll see. Back to the Island I go. Spoiler: my grand return went nothing like I planned, hence backtracking to better explain myself before continuing forward.
“Hit or Miss” New Found Glory. The song is a clue, the title is a clue, the way I sign off is a clue. They are ephemeral addictions that I’m using to wrap around my lower back.
I realize there are post far more confounding than this. I also realize that I left clues inside of my explanations. But you know me, you know this diary. “The girl made me trust myself, man.” Copy and paste into Google, follow the yarn lines, figure it out! Any clarifications you need, please ask.
T.
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* griffin olson’s playlist
featuring four songs he likes, and four songs about him.
* four songs he likes:
where this flower blooms - tyler, the creator ft. frank ocean
favorite line: i ride through california, these frog oval goggles, i’m leaning out the window, oj shinin’ on me
vanilla - the maine
favorite line: i know i’m not made of lace and potpourri but there’s nobody like me / i’m lost and hysteric but anything but generic
hallelujah - logic
favorite line: made in the image of God with a blunt in my mouth and a b*tch on the side
don’t you worry ‘bout a thing - stevie wonder
favorite line: everybody needs a change, a chance to check out the new / but you’re the only one to see the changes you take yourself through
* four songs about him:
don’t threaten me with a good time - panic! at the disco
notable lines: champagne, cocaine, gasoline, and most things in between / i’ve told you time and time again, i’m not as think as you drunk i am / they say, ‘ if you go all out, you might pass out in a drain pipe ’ aw, yeah ! don’t threaten me with a good time !
explanations: his mf theme song. i feel like these lyrics don’t rlly need an explanation for how they describe him bc we all know his label is the party animal and he’s quite literally only sober maybe 2 days out of the week ( i’m bein dead serious flkafj )
mr. blue sky - electric light orchestra
notable lines: hey there, mr. blue, we’re so pleased to be with you. look around, see what you do: everybody smiles at you / mr. blue, you did it right, but soon comes mr. night creepin’ over. now his hand is on your shoulder. never mind, i’ll remember you this way.
explanations: first off all, the entire vibe of this song is just very griffin. v peppy and upbeat, has its low and scary sounding points but overall is just so groovy and makes you wanna skip down the side walk. but the lyrics !!! griffin def has a knack for making people smile because he’s just so easy to get along with, but he’s got his little vices that can expose sides of him that are not so friendly
100 grandkids - mac miller
notable lines: i could sell snow to a ski slope, i could sell evil to the devil, non-believers to a temple, sh*t, i could sell water to a speedboat / what’s a God without a little OD ?
explanations: ZOO WEE MAMA IS THIS SONG HIM TO A T. the first batch of lyrics relates to him bc his job is lobbying, meaning he literally has to be eloquent and convincing for a living. and i also like to think that w the way i write him, griff words things in a Certain Type of Way that’s just good, you know ?? and then that second lyric bit ??? v dark i’m aware but he Does dabble frequently in very extreme drugs that he shouldn’t and its definitely leading him quickly and effectively towards a v dangerous path that he’s just way too good at hiding
praise the lord - a$ap rocky ft. moby
notable lines: steady taking shots, but i’m never hurting nothing, even then you don’t worry none / you’d think i’m jumping out the window how i got ‘em open / i praise the lord, then break the law
explanations: i rlly like the first lyric bunch for griffo bc when i tell y’all this man is an actual addict and yet most ppl don’t even know ?? like i feel like characters r v aware that he’s the party animal but just not to the extreme extent that it rlly is, and thus no one rlly worries abt him besides his family and gwen and soleil, who r aware. and griffin prefers it that way tbh like he genuinely does not think he has a problem so doesn’t want to hear any concern. and then the second lyric set i interpret in two ways, both of which apply to him: he’s got so many “windows of opportunities” open bc he rlly is so successful as a young lobbyist. like he doesn’t wear designer bc he doesn’t know any designer lmao but griffin is lowkey loaded. literally just google how much a lobbyist makes. n then my second interpretation is that the windows are his dangerous lifestyle habits, and he’s got so many going on that you’d think he’s about to do smth dangerous, but he’s rlly not. he’s just irresponsible and aloof to his own irresponsibleness
and then finally, the last line rlly is a testament to him bc it’s almost like the law is his Lord since his whole job is about either refuting or supporting legal policies being introduced, and yet he’s constantly breaking the law w the drug choices he makes !!
#masters.task#drugs tw#alcohol tw#od tw#addiction tw#i linked the playlist just in case anyone wants 2 listen :]#im super proud of the songs that relate to him tho fjlakjf they're super spot on#this is better viewed on desktop tumblr or mobile and not his blog
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So I (finally!) bought a pair of really good noise cancelling headphones, and it has changed my life! It's the fanciest thing I've bought in years, so to recoup some of the cost, I’ve researched & written a little essay based on my experiences with extreme noise sensitivity.
Hypersensitivity to sound is something I’ve dealt with all of my life, but I only recently found out it's medically known a Hyperacusis. (Please note this is a separate condition from Misophonia.) If you consistently struggle to cope with noise, the info below could be helpful! I’m including a link to my ko-fi, and I will be answering questions in the notes.
(skip to the bottom to read fun facts about my tax return and/or street organs vendettas!)
DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional, this is based solely on my experiences as a patient, and on what I have read and been told by professionals. Please notify me if you have corrections or concerns about accuracy!
BACKGROUND: Sensitivity to sound is a common type of sensory issue. While anyone can experience such issues (most people, for example, might be bothered by loud music in a crowded restaurant), some people are more sensitive than others, to the point it becomes a quality-of-life aka a medical issue.
If you consistently struggle with environmental stimuli that other people aren’t bothered by (background noises, bright lights, certain textures and tastes, etc), to the point it causes daily discomfort or limits the environments you can be in, I recommend reading about Sensory Processing Disorder.
SPD and sound sensitivity are both super common in autistic folks (like me!), but allistic (non-autistic) people can experience them too. Weep, ye prisoners of mortal coil, for none are safe, nothing sacred, not in this thy most accursed tomb of human flesh!
Anyway.
SOUND SENSITIVITY or HYPERACUSIS: Noise issues are particularly difficult to navigate in a world that is increasingly...noisy. The relatively new phenomenon of constant overhead music in restaurants, grocery stores, shopping malls etc—all of this means that public spaces are increasingly inaccessible to people with auditory issues.*
As a kid, nothing quite triggered sensory overload/meltdowns for me like the constant exposure to noise I couldn’t control—the background chatter of other kids in the lunchroom, the constant noise in public spaces, being trapped in the car with the radio on.... I had so many fights with my siblings about the car radio, and who got to choose the music.**
But it’s not just loud sounds that are the problem. As an adult who lives alone and works from home***, I’m lucky enough to be able to avoid loud environments most of the time. This does wonders for my general levels of anxiety and discomfort. But even in a mostly controlled environment, I still experience problems. Because part of sound sensitivity is that even normal or quiet sounds can feel loud and intrusive. Here are some “normal” sounds that can cause me discomfort (ranging from annoyance to outright pain, depending on the day):
refrigerator/AC/ceiling lights humming
dishwasher/washing machine noises
ceiling fan making that damn ceiling fan noise
faint sounds of traffic
riding in a car
other people having a normal conversation in the background
someone talking to me in a perfectly normal inside voice
Unfortunately, even in a “controlled” environment, many triggering noises can’t be controlled. And many parts of life can’t be lived in a controlled environment. This presents...some incredibly freaking annoying problems. Luckily there are solutions!
Sorta.
There are sorta some solutions.
They are imperfect, but they help.
TREATMENT: And now I have something rather shame-faced to admit. In all the years of managing my symptoms, it never once occurred to me to see a hearing specialist for my issues with sound. I wasn’t even aware that treatment options exist, because none of my other doctors mentioned it. Instead, I’ve spent years finding my own coping mechanisms and tools, with help from therapists and psychiatrists, but without ever consulting an audiologist/ENT. It was only while researching this post that I found out that was even an option, holy shit.
So it turns out I am going to be making an appointment with my local ENT practice. shit.
Apparently treatment options include sound/acoustic therapy, systematic desensitization/exposure therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, sound machines, and other options that I had no idea even existed, goddammit.
MANAGEMENT: In the meantime, here are my current coping mechanisms. I’ve relied rather heavily on hearing protection, which is very useful when used in moderation. Unfortunately, it can cause its own problems: it’s important not to overuse hearing protection, because in the long-term this can increase your sensitivity. So again: a useful tool, but be careful not to overdo it.
With that in mind, here are some of the coping strategies I’ve used over the last decade to manage my symptoms. This is not a perfect system and you should contact your local ENT clinic for better, long-term solutions, but in the meantime here are some tips I use to just get myself through the damn day:
Regularly spending time in a quiet controlled environment, to allow my nervous system to decompress.
Wearing earplugs, (I use two different grade, depending on the level of noise prevention I need), and always carrying an extra pair in case I need them unexpectedly. I bought a 50 pack for $7 and put spares in all my bags and jacket pockets.
(I mostly use Mack’s Ultra Soft, but there are so many types and materials and brands, including foam, silicone, wax, custom moldable etc. Even if you have trouble wearing things in your ears, you might be able to find something comfortable.)
Similarly: hearing protection earmuffs, the kind used in gun ranges and on construction sites. I bought mine online for $10. they look like normal wireless headphones, so I've never gotten comments when wearing mine in public (other than “cool heaphones” bc i added skull glitter stickers).
Sometimes I wear the earmuffs on top of earplugs, when life is just too damn LOUD.
Listening to music w/ earbuds or headphones is a great way to balance out background noises, especially if you can find soothing playlists that help you concentrate. Also useful to put in just one earbud when you need to pay attention in class/at work.
Pro tip: if your hair is long enough you can wear wireless earbuds without anyone knowing.
White noise, rain noises, ocean noises etc can be helpful! Some people like whale songs although personally this activates my primal fear response
Active noise cancelling headphones: the reason I wrote this post to begin with—I finally bought a pair! As in, a really good pair! As in, a depressingly expensive pair with noise cancelling technology that actually WORKS, holy shit. I probably need to wear them a little less at home (bc overprotection causes problems in the longterm) but they have absolutely transformed my ability to go out in public and i never ever want to take these suckers off again please take a power screwdriver and nail these to my head, bury me in the sweet sweet shroud of silence. holy canoli and cream puffs I want to marry form a civil partnership with these headphones. Plus they have a bunch of features, like being able to control the level of noise cancellation, so I can hold a conversation or be aware of some ambient noise for safety reasons.
Oh, and also they play music I guess?
Sorry sorry I promise this post wasn’t supposed to be me shilling for Big Electronics. I’m just excited, I’m an excited flabby little ball of expired flubber. ANC headphones aren’t a perfect solution, and I still sometimes wear earplugs underneath, and I will always be uncomfortable some of the time, but for me it’s been a big step.
Unfortunately the cost of good quality ANC technology means this isn’t an option for everyone, and the (much cheaper) gunshot protection earmuffs I mentioned earlier still provide an impressive amount of protection and bang-for-your buck (maybe even an equal amount of protection, if you can find ones that fit well). But if noise consistently prevents you from enjoying public space and life in general, and you’ve already tried earmuffs & earplugs and find they don’t offer enough comfort/convenience/protection, and if you’re in a position to save up for a one time non-necessity purchase of $150+, noise cancelling headphones are an option to be aware of. (Please always check the return policy so you can try before you buy. I ended up buying and returning 2 pairs before finding what worked best for me. And please look for a retailer that offers an extended warranty. You want those motherforkers to last).
There are cheaper options available, including some under $50. The ones I tried didn't work as well as my hearing protection earmuffs, but some people report good experiences, so that is something to consider. it's always good to know your options! Passive noise canceling is another affordable alternative.
Medication: A final tool in my toolbox, which for me personally has helped as much as every other method combined. Like, a lot, it’s helped a lot. It turns out some anti-anxiety medications can also help sensory issues. There���s not much research on this, and I only discovered it firsthand when a medication my doctor prescribed for anxiety ended up significantly helping my sensory issues. I no longer need medication for anxiety, but my psychiatrist still prescribes that same medication off-label for my sensory stuff. Ask your psychiatrist to research your options (they will probably have to do some digging to find relevant research, but you deserve to know all your options, even the obscure ones). Fyi, the medication I use is in the benzodiazepines class, but there are other options for those concerned about dependency or side effects.
(I'm also told anti-anxiety supplements may be helpful, though I haven't tried this yet. If you're on prescription meds, always talk to your doctor about contraindications before taking anything over-the-counter.)
So there you have it, my main coping strategies for sound sensitivity! They are not a replacement for medical treatment (except that last one which is in fact...medical treatment), but I find them helpful and I hope some of you will too! I’ve struggled for a long time, and I’m very pleased to have reached the point where I can just do things in public. Eating out in loud restaurants? I can do that now, and even enjoy it, holy shit! I can comfortably travel in cars for hours at a time, and walk around shopping malls and grocery stores with overhead music, and, and —and just exist. It is so so freeing, to feel like maybe, after everything, you are actually allowed to just exist in a world that wasn’t really designed for you.
Again, be careful not to overuse hearing protection—the goal is to allow you to be less uncomfortable and to function better, but if you find you are becoming more sensitive to noise, it is time to dial it back a notch. Or maybe consider listening to music (at a reasonable volume) to block out background noise instead.
*(This also includes people with hearing loss and related issues, btw. While that’s not my area of knowledge, I would welcome it if any of my HoH followers want to share their experiences.)
**A sign of sensory issues that parents often miss is when a child complains about music being too loud—but has no problem listening to their own music at high volume. This is because music that is already familiar to the listener (and that the listener enjoys) is much easier for the brain to process, since it knows what pattern of sounds to expect. Loud music that they get to control can be soothing for people with sound issues, especially when it blocks out background noise and sensations. This is why repetitively playing the same songs can be a helpful form of stimming.
***(working on this blog, actually. since it’s my only source of income, my 2020 income tax return literally lists my occupation as ‘Tumblr Blogger.’ Oddly, my parent didn’t feel this achievement was worth including in the holiday family newsletter.)
bonus fun fact: Charles Babbage aka “father of the computer” may have been autistic and hypersensitive to sound. He definitely had a huge problem with public noise pollution, and spent his later year waging a war on street musicians (and organ grinders in particular).
(bc like, yeah. screw organ grinders.)
Sometimes when I’m out in public and the overhead music is particularly unbearable, I’ll take a moment to look up to the sky and scream out: “HE TRIED TO WARN US! THE FATHER OF COMPUTERS TRIED TO WARN US!!! we should have listened, sweet heaven we should have listened!”
except i don’t scream it, i say it very quietly under my breath
(i have issues with noise)
so yeah that is my short essay. and here is the ko-fi goal
k ciao i gotta go pick out glitter stickers for my headphones
#actuallyautistic#not a shitpost#holy shit how did i spend 3 hours writing this what even is my blog#this blog is supposed to be blue whale anxiety and uncomfortably sexy clown jokes#what am i doing#sensory processing disorder#sensory issues#mental health#actually autistic#NOTIFY ME OF ANY TYPOS#i proofread this 5 times my eyes weep an unceasing flood of blood and regret#adhd#actuallyadhd#autism#sensory problems
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dolce (sweetly, softly, gently)
* pairing: accompanist/violinist!katsuki bakugou x violinist!reader (gender neutral!) ft kamijirou
* genre: fluff, kinda angst, enemies to lovers, classical musician au hehe
* words: 9.5k (holy crap, this was a rollercoaster to write)
* warnings: swearing bc not only does bakugou exist, he is a prominent character, brief viola/second violinist jokes (reader’s words not mine), poor rosins being dropped :(
* a/n: SO this is very late for @prettysetterbaby‘s v-day collab!! pls check out all the other talented writers involved >< jj is an ANGEL for putting up with me being late T_T there’s some violin terminology in here but it’s fine if you don’t understand it! more notes at the end aha
* playlist (spotify in source link): violin sonata no.9, op.47 in a major “kreutzer” (beethoven) ; liebesfreud (kriesler) ; violin partita no.3 in e major (bach) ; duo concertante for 2 violins no.3 in d-sharp major, op.57 (beriot) ; clair de lune (debussy) ; duo for 2 violins in d-major, op.67, no.2 (spohr) ; 24 caprices op.1, no.24 in a minor (paganini)
* synopsis: being a soloist is not made easy by your new accompanist, bakugou. you step on each other’s toes when playing - but that’s alright, he’s just a pianist. you’re separated in your two worlds of musical instruments, until one day, you’re not. bakugou traverses over realms like a simple string crossing, and there’s a lot more he’s brought with him.
a double stop in violin is a technique in which two notes are played simultaneously. played correctly, one violin playing two notes should sound like two violins playing separate notes. if your life was a violin, you only needed double stops to play it. you'd perfected the art of being alone, playing the parts of two in your sad solo sonata. you were so, so sure you could compose and play for the whole orchestra - a symphony that would surely please the audience.
you were wrong. after all, a double stop has its limits as well, impossible to play with an interval of larger than a tenth. you were content with your double stops and playing by yourself. this was how you won countless competitions - what good would changing anything be?
you were born a soloist, or that's what your parents would say. you never followed the crowd, sticking to your own mind and doing what was true to you. you never worked well in an orchestra setting (and who knew what would become of you if you ever landed in second violin!). thus, you became a soloist, determined to keep the spotlight on you. it was you and your perfection that kept the eyes of the audience transfixed; you were desperate to keep their focus enraptured by every slight movement of your bow, every shift in finger position on the fingerboard. you wanted them to follow every dynamic and tempo change like their life depended on it, feel their emotion spark the moment your bow pressed a string. you were the only one on stage, an entertainer and an artist to the audience. you brought joy and sorrow through key changes and wonder through glissandos and held suspense with every tremolo. the audience was yours for an entire piece, for a story, for a lifetime.
oh, and there was the accompanist. what was his name again? batsugou? bakugou. the last part was a joke, of course. you'd never forget the man who ruined your first recital overseas.
katsuki bakugou was quickly made your accompanist after the previous one quit last minute and schedule clashes between any other potential candidates rendered them unable to travel with you. no one in their right mind would've come along on a plane to play a piano accompaniment for you. indeed, bakugou was not in his right mind. his name was prominent locally, an orchestral prodigy with the gift of perfect pitch since the tender age of thirteen. he never ventured internationally, though given the chance multiple times to do so. you could never understand why he never took any of the opportunities. you'd jump at any chance of expanding your musical horizons and performing for a larger audience, so it frustrated you to see someone with such potential to throw away possibly beneficial opportunities. not that you really paid much attention to him, anyway. bakugou was a pianist, and you were a violinist. you only cared about competition, not those with blessings you could only dream of achieving.
the months leading to your recital, bakugou had gone quiet. well, you didn't know him personally, so it was news of him that had gone practically radio silent. he was no longer featured in news articles or even pinned on bulletin boards for upcoming recitals. there were no updates from him on social media, too. not that you really paid attention, anyway. he was a prodigy, gifted naturally with talent, and you were a violinist.
an ambitious violinist, at that. you had dreams to perform anywhere out of the stifling air of japan. even to fly a short distance to south korea would be amazing, because it meant you'd be outside of japan. you worked towards this goal tirelessly. you dreamed of stepping on a plane, violin case in your right hand and your dreams in another, to fly to another country and perform. you wished to see the talent beyond your own bubble and feel the music resonate in an auditorium in a different way than it did in japan.
one day, that dream was realized. your violin case in one hand and dreams in another, you boarded the plane flying out of japan full of hope and the faith that good days were coming. while yes, you didn't expect to step out of that plane with anyone but your old accompanist, momo, bakugou's presence comforted you in the foreign atmosphere. for the first ten minutes, he said not a word to you but made it a point to speak to everyone else he could in what seemed like very convincingly fluent english.
to which you finally mustered up the courage to say, in japanese, "i thought you didn't travel internationally."
his japanese voice was a comforting sound. "i don't. this is my first time out of japan."
you stared at him like he just said he ate babies for breakfast (which seemed just as astronomically insane as him never stepping foot out of japan).
"but-" you stuttered. "your english is so good?"
"only because you can't understand it."
to be fair, he had a point. you could only say the basics, like, "hi," "how are you?", "i'm fine, and you?," and the ever-so useful, "do you speak japanese? my english is not good." he appeared to never use any of these phrases, so he was a god in english compared to you.
it was a miracle you navigated out of the airport with your luggage in hand and a general idea of how to get to the hotel you'd booked. you're not going to talk about the events in the hotel, though. sharing a bed with bakugou was a whole different story that consisted of him complaining about your phone usage at eleven pm and you complaining about his lack of sufficient english skills to be able to get the right hotel room (which he'd retort by saying "at least i speak english!").
the path to your first international competition was rocky, so understandably by the day of the performance, your metaphorical feet were sore and you only had water on your metaphorical mind. that is to say, you hadn't practiced with bakugou once until the day before the performance. said rehearsal was cut short due to misunderstandings as a result of bakugou's apparent not-so-fluency in english. you felt bad for him at this point.
and then you were up on stage, violin in one hand, bow in the other, and arms full of your childhood aspirations. also, definitely not prepared enough. you glanced once at bakugou before beginning and he looked confident enough. the lesson you learned that day was that looks can be deceiving.
something you could remember quite clearly was the way the spotlight shined on the varnish of your instrument as you held it, propped between your chin and shoulder. you focused on this shine before taking a deep breath, closing your eyes, and praying muscle memory would take over and you'd play the piece faithfully to the score.
you liked to think your playing was accurate. you, the soloist, were the main focus of the piece. the accompaniment made the piece richer and fuller, complementing the violin beautifully while keeping attention on said violin. the thing was, bakugou, like you, played like a soloist.
the performance was like a fight, and sadly not the graceful kind you'd see in a ballet. it was gory and a nuance to the ears, melodic tinkling of the piano becoming tears of a soldier dying in combat. at parts, you clashed by overshadowing the other by playing too loudly. sometimes it was you, and sometimes it was bakugou. it was a merciless game of tag; bakugou would be running to keep up with your playing; once achieving so, you were forced to start chasing after him. you can't exactly remember if he played well, though. for certain, he was not in sync with you, but you were mainly too preoccupied with your own playing to pay attention to his. listening to the recording of the performance, you were unable to evaluate his quality of playing properly, and thus, he remained your accompanist even when you returned to japan.
(actually, the biggest reason he stayed your accompanist was because of your classical musician friends' nagging. they were all in complete awe that the famous soloist, katsuki bakugou, had offered to be your accompanist, and begged for an autograph. of course, you declined.)
you figured that like you, bakugou was a soloist. he wasn't fit to assist your playing, far more suited to his own solos to entrance the audience with only his playing. being a soloist, he played like one too - that's simply how things worked. this understanding of him, though, still couldn't stop you from harbouring a small grudge against him for ruining your international debut.
and then there was the man himself, all standoffish and rough in words and persona. obscenities had no hesitation coming (thrust!) from his mouth. he yelled brashly and frequently and it astonished you that he was a classical musician, as most of your friends of the classical music profession were typically on the quiet, softer spoken side. those that were extroverts were optimistically so, in far contrast to bakugou, who you'd expect from looks alone to be playing in some heavy metal band. it was scary to hear his renditions of debussy's dreamy, serendipitous pieces when over your earbuds, he was yelling at some guy named "shitty hair" on his phone. you were curious how he looked recording the piece.
you didn't typically communicate, though. conversation, which only ever existed during rehearsal, was a question from you and a clipped grunt in response. there was nothing else to your relation; he played his part, and you played yours. sometimes you did this simultaneously, but it was as if you were playing two completely different things. performance, according to your friends, was now stilted. this was partially the reason you stopped listening to recorded performances. it wasn’t even like you’d ever derived pleasure from listening to them - you only nitpicked your mistakes.
your old accompanist, momo, on the other hand, was an absolute angel. she was kind, polite, and skilled on the piano, fingers dancing over the keys like a graceful ballet. you fit well with her; each performance was like a delightful conversation between friends, pleasant on the ears and twinkling with joy and laughter. with her, every performance felt like something resembling victory, even if it wasn’t a competition. to you, winning the audience’s gaze was enough.
then again, you didn't feel that you could judge quite yet. momo was your accompanist for years, and you could barely remember how the two of you sounded when you first started out. bakugou had been your accompanist for mere months (though it did feel much, much longer considering how frustrating he could be). you couldn't understand why he became your accompanist at all.
opposites. it was an accurate representation of your relationship with bakugou. he was a pianist, you weren't. he was a prodigy, you weren't. he was blessed with talent, you weren't. there was nothing to talk to him about, obviously, because of these dividing factors.
the longer you knew him, the more your disdain for the man grew. at rehearsals, it always felt like your performances were about him, him, and him. he was the star piano player, of course. he hadn't volunteered to be your accompanist as a sense of "stepping down"; no, no, rather, he was flaunting his piano playing with a violin playing in the background. he played perfectly. for a soloist.
as time passed, these frustrations with him became more and more apparent. you became acutely aware of how his performance would outshine your own, and it sickened you. slowly, the quality of your own performances took a nosedive. if the piece was originally pianissimo, you'd take it up to piano (then, if bakugou increased his volume, forte). if the tempo was andante and he was playing moderato, you'd play allegro. it was a competition at this point - instigated by him, of course. you were just upping the ante, even if it meant sacrificing your own artistry.
a lot of people warned you of what would happen, but you ignored them. the fierce competition you felt between you and bakugou caused your own downfall as a musician. slowly, gigs stopped trickling in, like a faucet being shut off. you blamed this on bakugou. ("i was international before him. now, i can barely get a gig in musutafu! why does everyone think he's so great?" you had fumed over the phone to jirou, your old roommate from university. she asked you if you had even listened to him play.)
you were scrambling for places to perform at this point. (“fire him,” the very unhelpful hagakure told you. you didn’t know what you were thinking when you asked her, a violist in a local orchestra. it wasn’t like she ever got a solo.) you’d seriously considered doing so, but came up empty when looking for another accompanist. online forums and friends’ connections could only do so much. they were all either unavailable during rehearsal schedules or inadequate in terms of adapting to the music given.
“you need to try working together with him,” jirou advised you one day over the phone.
“yeah, say that to yourself and kaminari,” you muttered bitterly under your breath. kaminari was a guitarist in jirou’s band who hadn’t quite gotten along with jirou well. jirou made fun of the lightning bolt streak in his hair. when you first met them, all they did was bicker day and night; now, according to the other guitarist, tokoyami, they still did this, though on a smaller scale.
she heard you. “well,” jirou said, slightly ticked off, “we get along better now. because of communication. look- i’m not saying you need to be best friends with bakugou or anything, but you need to talk to him about what’s working and what’s not. respect him as another musician, y’know?”
“i’ll… try,” you said begrudgingly.
you heard a muffled yell from the other side of the call. “kaminari, you idiot!” jirou called, voice a bit far. “what did i tell you about plugging in the amp? i said not to-” she cut herself off. “sorry, y/n, i need to go now. kaminari’s back to his normal antics.” she sighed, but it sounded more endeared than irritated. the call ended.
respect bakugou as another musician. you could do that. bakugou was only a pianist. you were a violinist. he was your accompanist. he was to support your playing. you’d forever be separated from him, doing your own thing. he, certainly, couldn’t understand the woes of being a violinist. not the intonation nor the techniques; you were sure that if you handed him a violin on the spot, he wouldn’t be able to even hold the bow properly. the notion of bakugou, piano prodigy, struggling to make a decent sound on the violin with a bow clenched in an ungainly grip deeply amused you.
these thoughts kept your relationship with bakugou afloat and restrained you from strangling him every time he stepped a toe out of line during rehearsals. ploddingly, with as minimal communication as you could manage, you tried to play with bakugou together, as a duet rather than as two soloists playing simultaneously. you swallowed your pride to play accurately to the music, patiently explaining any qualms you had with bakugou’s playing.
eventually, you found yourself building up your performances to the quality they had once been with momo. it was still far from the pristine playing that led you to an international invite - but it was an improvement, and that was all that mattered to you. innately, you were slightly ashamed of the thoughts that allowed you to keep working with bakugou. they were thoughts that told of your superiority to him, because he was playing piano for you. that’s all he was; an accompaniment to you. you told yourself that having these thoughts on the inside was better than fighting with bakugou.
somehow, along the strings of notes slurred together and shifts of fingers from one spot on a string to the next, you found yourself experiencing a strange joy gliding your bow against the strings of your violin. the rich sound of your instrument, withering and blooming with every stroke of vibrato you performed, fulfilled you unlike how it ever had before. up until now, you’d been playing for the audience, rather than yourself. the melody reverberating in the hollow body of your violin was never for your own ears to enjoy, it was for the audience’s satisfaction and listening pleasure. for it was their own enjoyment that won you competition after competition, playing with a blank face. on some occasions, you’d open your eyes during the applause to see some audience members crying, which ultimately confused you. how you were able to draw emotions from them with your playing when the music was unable to render you anything but indifferent?
you knew it in yourself, though, that the happiness you felt was hollow. delightful notes supposed to boast joy and love echoed in the rehearsal room, falling flat on your ears.
you were a soloist, though. you couldn’t let thoughts like these get to you. you could only play, for both your pride and your audience. these woes were for you to shoulder, on top of the violin you held between your chin and collarbone.
“you’re here early,” bakugou commented one day, opening the door to your shared rehearsal room. tucked under one arm was his folder of sheet music. he caught you in the middle of practicing one of the pieces for a gig - liebesfreud, by fritz kreisler.
it was true. the morning sun basked the window sill and laminate flooring, warming the particular spots it shone through. you’d arrived an hour or so early. pleased by the bright nature of the morning, you pulled up the blinds. typically, you ran late, arriving ten minutes after bakugou’s text of “you’re late again, idiot” with a coffee and a bagel in your hands. those mornings, you were really grateful for having a case with backpack straps. if you hadn’t the time to eat your bagel on the way to rehearsal, it was cold and hard by the time you had a lunch break.
thankfully, today was not one of those days. whether it was the sun or the title of the piece (“love’s joy,” how wonderful), you’d woken up and decided that today, you’d have a warm and soft bagel for breakfast. you had a coupon for a free coffee and surprisingly, the commute to rehearsals was more punctual than usual. thus, you arrived an hour early, a smile on your face as you opened the door. you opened your case with extra care and rosined your bow with extra zest, humming a tune you heard playing on the radio. bakugou would’ve had a heart attack had he saw you then.
you ignored his entrance, only peeping one eye open at the man and nodding your head toward the piano as you continued on with the piece. you allowed yourself to become immersed in the music, following the soft pace bakugou set in his playing. closing your eyes, you saw the audience before you and felt your fingers sliding and pressing the strings. time flew while playing the piece; you’d barely noticed that the piece was nearing its end, playing its familiar melody one last time before opening your eyes. a glance at the rosin dusted in between the bridge and fingerboard of your violin satisfied you, like salt on caramel. you surely played just as sweet, smooth and saccharine like the gooey texture of a caramel confection. you relished in the sunlight streaming through into the room, ignoring the shuffling of papers behind you (from bakugou, no doubt). that was how you should play.
“something’s off,” you blearily opened your eyes to the sound of bakugou’s gruff voice. he was frowning, eyebrows furrowed in a not atypical manner.
“what,” you said flatly. “it sounded fine to me. i didn’t mess up or anything.”
“no,” he replied, deep in thought, crimson eyes darkening a shade. “we don’t have proper… emotion in the music.”
“huh?” you felt a comical question mark rising out of your head. “i played it perfectly to score. it conveys the composer’s emotions to a t,” you said, getting annoyed with the pianist. your grip tightened on your violin’s neck.
“well- yeah,” he gritted his teeth. “but what about your emotions?”
“who cares about my emotions?” you said. “all that matters is that my playing is perfect. the audience feels the emotions, not me.” why else had you been plucked into violin lessons when you were five? surely not for your own enjoyment.
“idiot, that’s definitely not how it is.”
“it’s just violin playing!” you snapped. “it’s not complicated with- with emotions! it’s the same as anything else!”
“you’re wrong,” bakugou coldly answered.
“what would you understand?” you seethed. “you’re just a damn pianist. you follow my lead.”
he ignored your remarks. “why do you play a fucking instrument, then? why bother to enter competitions or recitals?”
“to win, like any other normal person!”
he let out a clipped, exasperated breath. “fuckin’ explains it, then.” he didn’t elaborate. dismissing the topic, he said, “whatever. play the piece from the top. actually try to look at me this time, so we can stay together. put more emphasis on the downbeat at the start.”
“it’s not like you even heard me play the beginning,” you retorted, but made sure to accent that note even more during the replay. pianists. they always were on their high horses.
something you looked forward to every year was the valentine’s recital. the organizers, an old couple, had known you since you were a child, and thus developed a soft spot for you. you were a shoo-in for the event, relied on to learn the music on a short deadline. last year, you played preludio, from bach’s partita for violin no. 3. this year, though, the catch was weird.
“the letter says it’s a violin duet?” you said to jirou while video calling her. “i don’t have a violinist on hand, just a pianist. it’s not like bakugou can suddenly master violin.”
jirou looked at you with a surprised expression. “you don’t know?”
you stared back at her. “know what?”
“he plays violin, too.”
“huh?” you must’ve misheard her.
she nodded. “he’s pretty good, too. have you not seen the videos?”
“videos?" your eyes widened as you soon realized the implications of bakugou harbouring an aptitude for violin. "i’ve… i’ve got to go.”
“he’s as good as you, y/n,” jirou said with a knowing smile. you were quick to press the hang up button.
five seconds into teenage bakugou’s rendition of one of paganini’s caprices, you exited youtube.
the next day, you kicked open the door to the practice room.
“you,” you pointed a finger at bakugou, who sat at the piano midway through a piece.
“what is it now, dumbass? you’re late again.”
“shut up,” you grumbled. “that’s beside the point. you- you play violin?!”
he shrugged, not avoiding your piercing gaze. “i’ve dabbled in it, yes.”
you shut the door behind you. “and why did you never tell me?!”
“tch. you never asked, did you?”
“you’re my accompanist, i should know these things!”
“you know i play piano, and that’s enough,” bakugou said stubbornly. “i only play piano with you.”
“not anymore.” setting your violin case down, you shuffled through the pocket that held your sheet music. flipping out a packet of sheet music, you thrust it in bakugou’s direction. “here.”
he grabbed the sheets from you, skimming the title. “duo for two violins in…. fuck,” he muttered. “why didn’t you just say no? who even is this from?”
“valentine’s recital. the pay’s good, bakugou, and we need it.”
“you need it,” he mumbled bitterly, holding the sheets out for you. “i don’t.”
“it’s not like i’m happy about it either. since when were you a violinist?”
“since when was it any of your damn business?”
"you're supposed to be my pianist! not anything else!"
you didn’t understand how he could be so musically inclined. you blinked, and your sight smeared, blurring the sight of your feet with the laminate flooring. this wasn't right, you thought as you felt a telltale heat creeping up you. why were you crying now?
if there was one thing you prided yourself on, it was your violin playing. it seemed to be the only thing you were good at as a child when academics and athletics failed you. sure, you hated it at first (as most children did when their parents forced them to do something), but as time went on, the applause of the audience and the title of "winner" rewarded you enough. you were no prodigy, so you worked endlessly every day to prove yourself worthy. you never understood how you'd worked so hard only to be in the shadows of others so naturally gifted who surely would never understand how much you practiced to become better.
when it came to bakugou, he was never supposed to be better. he was your pianist, talented in a completely different musical realm than your own, so he could never be superior to you - and now he wasn't. he never was. here you were for the past year or so, looking like a fool in bakugou's eyes. on the days you struggled so hard with fourth finger vibrato, he was probably laughing at your inadequacy at violin. as easily as he played the violin, katsuki bakugou played you like a fool.
everything collided when you stepped out of the room, leaving a particular golden haired boy alone to stare at the sheet music you tossed him. your head throbbed with the groggy sensation of almost-tears and anger coursed through your veins.
you couldn't back out of the recital now. you couldn't.
you couldn't stand to look back into the vermillion eyes of katsuki bakugou now. even more so now, you couldn't.
your solution?
"hey, what's up?" jirou's collected voice filled your ear, your phone pressed to it.
"hey, kyo, i… kind of did a bad thing," you said, feeling jittery as you sought a commute home. you'd already made up your mind that your sorry-ass wouldn't be able to look bakugou back in the face for the rest of the day.
"...again?" she asked, tone concealing a hint of surprise. "don't tell me it was with bakugou. don't you usually practice now?"
"...usually, yes…" you sheepishly shuffled your feet, standing outside on the sidewalk. "i'll be resuming it again, 'course, when i get home…"
"why aren't you with bakugou right now?"
"that's… that's a long story," you laughed nervously.
"i can wait," jirou coolly replied. "kaminari got his foot stuck in his guitar case - don't ask - so i have time."
you considered asking about kaminari, then thought better of it.
"you know about the valentine's day recital they have every year? well, this year…" you recounted the events that led you to now, standing outside on the phone with jirou.
"where are you going to find a violinist?"
a silence found itself opportune as jirou waited for an answer. "i'm, uh, not…?" you said, deflecting the question back to jirou.
"well, you can't play both parts in the duet, can you? actually, don't answer that. i know you'd try. didn't you try that one time in-"
"what's done in uni stays in uni," you hushed her before she could recall that one time you tried to play a sonata with a recording of yourself. "aren't you going to tell me to try to make amends with bakugou?"
"no," she said thoughtfully after a pause. "you've tried before, and it's not working for you. i don't think you should be forced to do something you obviously don't want to do. i just think," she continued, "you need to find someone to do the duet with, if you don't want to work with bakugou. but objectively, he's your best bet."
as jirou always was, she was right. you thanked her for her advice not before hearing a distraught kaminari shouting for jirou in the background, and then she ended the call.
you repeated her words in your head once you got home, sliding your bow back and forth on your small block of worn rosin. the score for the duet was spread next to you on the floor. it wasn't that you didn't want to work with bakugou. or was it? had you been that selfish all along, sabotaging other performances because you didn't like him? if even jirou had noticed it, had bakugou noticed it too?
your sigh let out a thousand burdens piled up in your mind, blowing air out like dust accumulating on your tribulations. you picked up your violin and bow thoughtlessly, testing out the strings and plucking a couple with your left hand.
was it really only you with the contempt for working with bakugou? you'd assumed mutual hatred with him after your international debut, but had it really been so? had you been the only one picking fights during the time you'd worked together? as you backtracked, your fingers slipped into a familiar position. you began a piece you knew positively by heart, an absolute favorite of yours for years. you played mindlessly, serenading yourself with familiar notes and string fingerings as you thought long and hard about bakugou. how much shit had you given bakugou? he hardly complained, too, but why? why hadn't he quit after you'd been so ceaselessly difficult with him?
why were you so angry at bakugou, a gifted prodigy since childhood? the answer found itself as the composition descended into an array of complicated fingerings and string changes, sounding like an incoherent chaos somehow strung together by the music. you pretended you didn't know the answer.
it was much, much easier to leave bakugou as just a pianist. respectable in his own field, and incomparable to you. it was too good to be true, obviously. all your life, you played to win, and couldn't allow anyone else to surpass you. violin was about winning, winning, winning. how were you supposed to cope when all those hours of practice were easily overcome by someone with innate talent?
the piece eased your tension with a fermata, drawing out your vibrato to think. bakugou's perfection infuriated you, you concluded. knowing this, though, didn't help with anything. you almost screeched the last note as the composition came to an end, unsettled by thoughts of bakugou. you really couldn't stand him.
in an attempt to distract yourself from your dilemma, you decided to start practicing the recital composition. you pulled out an old portable music stand, bending the parts into place and stacking it up. carefully, you placed the sheets on the stand and skimmed over the music, bringing your violin up to your collarbone.
your eyes followed one measure ahead of what you were playing as you sight-read the piece. ahead, ahead, was all you could think as your fingers fumbled the notes, eyes moving from the score to the fingerboard. bakugou was far from your mind as you caught up to the music, too preoccupied with the sharps and flats you'd forgotten and the time you had to keep. you were busied by the shifts and the repeat signs in the music over anything else. your priority lay here for the time being, after all. the sight-reading was almost enough to make you forget you only play one half to a duet. there was still still an emptiness that lurked between the rests and the redundant beats that even your stilted practice couldn't mask. you tried not to worry about that, though.
time floated by as you repeated the piece over and over, playing for accuracy first. it wasn't enough, but you pretended it was. the metronome on your phone ticked away like time, endless and impatient, until you couldn't stand it anymore and packed away your violin.
the proceeding day was filled with more of the same practicing, working on tweaking hesitations and polishing up your playing. it was kind of convenient, practicing at home rather than waking up early to practice with bakugou. you missed the bagel the most.
you were definitely not playing your best, and it was clear by the way your bow occasionally screeched and how you fumbled the fingerings when you were particularly negligent. the piece just didn't sound right without the second part. (bakugou was definitely not the second part missing. not at all.)
by the third day you gave up and admitted to yourself that yes, bakugou was the second part missing. you were only a little bit miserable buying your usual bagel and coffee and rushing to rehearsals fifteen minutes late, aware that you'd be unable to eat it before practice. you were substantially less miserable than how you were the day previous, practicing alone.
you weren't surprised to see bakugou already there, sitting on the piano bench and tightening his bow hairs. he acknowledged you with a grunt as you set down your breakfast and beverage.
"showed up, huh?" he said finally, voice rough. he stood up, setting his sheet music on a stand. you stared at him, awed by his nonchalance. he picked up his violin and bow (which, by the way, looked super expensive) and propped his violin up by his chin. it felt so foreign to see him in position to play violin, fingers already expertly in first position and wrist beautifully curved, yet it inexplicably clicked. the scene in front of you looked like he'd done this everyday, as it was always supposed to have been, his back confidently straight. his fingers arched over the fingerboard and his bow appeared mathematically parallel to the bridge, held delicately between his fingers. you'd never carefully watched him play piano (probably due to your distaste to him and lack of knowledge about the percussion instrument), but he made the violin look like an instrument of the gods. he hesitated, though, bow moving a centimeter then back. he frowned at your idle silence and turned back to you. "well? are we doing this duet or not?"
"oh," you reacted intelligently. "yeah. yeah." it kicked in what you were doing by the time you'd started tuning your violin, first bowing your a string. after tuning your violin (with the help of a tuning fork and none from the perfect-pitched bastard bakugou, who appeared to be watching you with a triumphant gleam in his eyes as you struggled to tune your violin properly), you set your sheet music next to bakugou's.
"ready?" you asked, as if you'd been the one waiting for bakugou all this time.
"ask yourself that," he snorted. "i'll do the count."
you nodded.
"one, two, three, f-"
"wait, wait," you said, squinting at your music. "isn't it supposed to be a bit slower than that?"
"it says allegro," bakugou said, tapping his foot. "need an italian lesson? lively, briskly."
"i know what allegro means," you gritted. "seems too fast, when paired with dolce."
"maybe for you," he smirked.
you narrowed your eyes at him. "and that means what, exactly?"
he opened his mouth to reply some smug, smart-ass answer, but you stopped him.
"nevermind," you said. "do the count again, at the same tempo. i can do it."
you were bluffing, of course. since when was allegro this fast? you wondered as the opening notes sped by you in a musical blur. already familiar with the melody, you messed up dynamics the most. of crescendos and diminuendos? it wasn't like bakugou would notice, too preoccupied with his part.
the ending of the piece took your breath away, storming toward you in a whirlwind. adrenaline filled your veins as you raced to the last measure of the music, overcome by the tempo and the music. this time, full of energy and exhilaration, the piece felt complete. your and bakugou's sound surrounded the two of you, overflowing the room with a saccharine melody. it felt right simply standing beside him playing a two part piece, chest heaving from the piece's energy. you could only hear your breathing, a gentle encore to your playing.
"your playing is sloppy," bakugou said bluntly. he leaned over to your sheet music, starting to point at dynamic markings.
you swatted his hand away before he could say a word. "yeah, well, i just got the music three days ago," you interjected.
"you also had two of the three days off, so i'd say you're not doing enough." he glanced back down at your score. he pointed at a measure. "this is a crescendo, moron, why didn't you get much louder?"
"just- pay attention to your own music!" you said. "besides, it's dolce. i can get away with playing softer."
"that wasn't very dolce to me," he argued. "nothing sweet, soft, or gentle about that," he mumbled.
"i can be sweet, soft, and gentle if i want to!" you retorted.
he raised a brow, as if a challenge, scarlet eyes glinting in the light. "tch. i'm sure you can, but your playing damn can't."
“it can, too! listen,” you said, impetuously raising your violin and bow again. you slowly started to play a d major scale, impatiently scrunching your nose and squeezing your eyes shut to concentrate on making the music soft and gentle, tampering with different degrees of vibrato and bow pressure.
“... that’s just piano,” bakugou said, moving to you as you bowed an a. your bow came to an abrupt halt, making an unpleasant squeal, as bakugou positioned himself behind you. you felt his body warmth radiating behind you as a sweet, homely scent wafted around you. he brought his arms around you, hands overlapping where you held your violin and bow.
“you need to be,” he murmured into your ear, gentle tone almost slurring the words together, "fragile when you play dolce." he angled your bow slightly, moving your hand. "bow closer to the fingerboard." the smooth baritone of his voice resonated within you, becoming lost within the violinist's embrace.
"most of all," he said, dropping an octave to an intimate tone, "you need to feel it. you can attempt to play it, but without feeling, it's fuckin’ meaningless."
"feeling?" you repeated blankly. “the audience’s, you mean.”
he stepped away, a gesture that made you breathless, and shook his head. he crossed his arms over his chest, unintentionally accentuating their volume. “your damn feelings. what do you feel when playing the piece?”
there’s a pause for perhaps a second too long, as you mulled over different answers in your head.
“tch.” his eyes don’t leave you, gaze a laser burning into you. “‘s what i thought. why do you play violin?”
you held your tongue from answering my parents. “to win. i play to win,” you stated.
“and that’s the damn problem,” bakugou said, releasing a breath of frustrated air. “you win to play.”
“that means…?” you were starting to get impatient with the man, who seemed to be stalling and dragging out your limited time.
“you win competitions to play more.”
you almost scoffed, but his words were plausible. “what’s the purpose in playing more if not to win?”
he made a scratching noise in his throat, cool demeanor shifting to that of the bakugou you knew. “l-l-” he coughed, “love.”
“love?” you repeated, the word a surprise to swallow.
he nodded, gagging on his reply. you couldn’t see bakugou as the romantic type - the same bakugou who called all of his friends demeaning nicknames and could barely say the word love out loud. he was explosive, maybe, and talented, sure - but acquainted with love? you pursed your lips at the stuttering man trying to advise you.
“whatever,” he dismissed, voice oddly hoarse. “just play it from the top. fix the dynamics.”
weeks passed in a blur, though bakugou’s advice was left unforgotten. it had, for the most part, faded from your mind but lingered like a ghost in an abandoned attic, stirring up dust in complete silence. it was valid criticism on bakugou’s part, but the problem was that it was criticism you couldn’t digest. it was a ghost that you could not rid of, whispering and lurking until your music played over it.
four weeks before the performance, you had the piece almost entirely memorized other than a few flukes here and there. you managed most of your dynamics, playing in sync with bakugou by your side. three weeks and the piece was mostly smooth, foregoing all sheet music and practicing in the middle of the room with bakugou tapping out the tempo on the honeyed floor. any mistakes were recovered from quickly, and you were pleased to say that the amount of bakugou’s slip-ups equated to yours. at two weeks, though, he brought up the pest bugging your mind.
“play with more emotion,” he sighed exasperatedly, letting out a huff as you played for him. “start on f sharp again.”
you’d tried time and time again, but the longer you’d replayed the same few measures (followed by his criticism for the nth time), the only emotion you felt was frustration. your bow would push too hard or your vibrato would lay on thick, immensely irritating bakugou. you didn’t know why he even tried.
the air felt stale and the lights shone obnoxiously bright. the pads of your left hand fingers had hardened by now, indented with a pair of parallel lines from your unforgiving violin strings. you inhaled rosin dust and occasional bow hairs miserably dropped to the floor. your arms were tired, sore, and sick of playing; your ears painfully endured the same tune again and again, the originally fluid and sweet notes becoming high frequency static.
“i can’t do this.” you were tempted to flop onto the ground, hopelessness pouring over you.
“you can,” bakugou insisted stubbornly. “you just need to try harder.”
“harder?” you would’ve snapped (and you were surprised your e string didn’t already by the repetitive motions on it) if you weren’t so exhausted from rehearsing.
he nodded like it was obvious. “try harder.”
you shakily inhaled, trying to smooth your voice over. “i’m sorry i can’t be a prodigy like you.”
he stiffened, tense to the point of trembling. “whatever,” and it was a strained word pulled from his mouth. it was very atypical for him to give up like this, but you didn't care. you avoided his eyes as you restarted the piece, unable to bloom anything from it.
outside of your rehearsal time, you practiced. arguably, your solo rehearsals were more rigorous. you forced yourself to add emotion to the piece, sometimes playing for jirou. she agreed with bakugou (though was a great deal less irritating), stating that your playing was somewhat hollow. (you restrained yourself from knocking on the instrument and saying that yes, indeed, violins were hollow.)
"how… how do you get any emotions from playing?" you asked jirou at one point, watching one of her band's rehearsals. they were on a break, chatting idly and taking sips from their water bottles.
“well…” jirou started, glancing back at her band members. “i think about the feelings i want the audience to feel because of my songs. i think about how the song makes me feel, then i put that into how i play.”
“how do you…” you shifted uncomfortably, “know what to feel?”
she looked at you, taken aback, but replied easily. “you don’t. it just… happens.”
her response was vastly different than what you’d been taught a child. emotions? sure, there was perhaps a time where playing evoked a feeling in you, plucked something melodical from your heartstrings. it was when you were a child, though, so it was irrational and erratic, an outburst in the middle of your otherwise level playing. your violin teacher didn’t approve when you’d follow how the music made you feel. she said it made you stray too far from the original piece and would make you lose competitions. no matter how you pushed back against her, her advice haunted you over and over every time you got anything other than first place.
your performance is the audience, she’d told you. you didn’t understand what she meant at first, but she made sure you did while practicing for your next rehearsals. the audience, she quipped with thin lips under her sharp eyes, is everything. if the audience wasn’t satisfied, your performance was worthless, no matter how well you played technically. you play for them and you win - it was that plain. there was nothing more than you wanted but to win, at the time. you wanted a trophy, a medal, a certificate stating that you were better than most. it was palpable evidence that you were good enough - for your parents, your peers, anyone. like that, you practiced, a servant for approval. you weren’t a prodigy, but you sure as hell would try to play like one. her advice worked for over a decade, soundly racking you up with countless awards that filled your otherwise desolate self-esteem.
you didn’t say anything else to jirou about it, instead thinking about the bits and pieces of human feeling you could extract in between your piece’s accidentals and eighth notes. perhaps there was a possibility, through the phrases of notes and dynamic markings, you’d find a word that said love. a renewed interest sparked itself when jirou’s band continued their rehearsals, finding yourself to be a normal audience member (maybe even crying at the end. maybe).
you returned home to practice, practice, practice, coercing any hidden message in the music to vibrate in your violin and echo around your room. you watched other renditions of the piece to find something you were missing, but imitating them didn’t seem right. this continued for the following weeks, hiding any potential development from bakugou (or trying to, at least). you knew you’d be disappointing him if you failed after trying so hard. it was only safe to play what you knew, secure in the written parts of the composition and keeping it at that.
by the time the performance came around, you were glad bakugou never found out about your secret efforts. if he had, you knew he’d be sorely dispirited by your lack of tangible progress, your sound just as hollow as the soundbox of your violin. you failed, you knew, and as crestfallen as you were on that cold february morning, the show must go on.
the performances were held in an auditorium, warm compared to the snowy wonderland outside. it was typically couples comprising the audience, all romantic and pepped up in the spirit of valentine's day (white day was no different). some arrived early, finding seats in the empty auditorium and chatting amongst themselves (or sometimes making out, which made you want to throw your violin at them and gag). bakugou’s and your performance was last; it quite the heavy honor to play the finale to the recital.
backstage was a vast contrast to the hushed atmosphere settled over the assemblage. hovering over the staff and performers for the day was a sense of panic, hurry, and hecticness. bits of rosin were scattered on the ground where you prepared for your rehearsal, some belonging to your block and others not. your pack of extra strings lay next to you on the sofa you sat on, arm resting on the side of the seat. similar to your violin's strings, spun tightly over pegs to be kept in place, you felt high-strung. the buzz of energetic excitement flitted in your head, knee bumping up and down and jerking your violin in the same motion. it was hard to calm when you tuned your violin to absolute perfection, relying on bakugou's perfect pitch to do so. the fine tuners on the end of your strings probably hadn't had a harder time in the years you'd owned your violin.
"you're shaking the entire sofa, idiot," bakugou deadpanned next to you. “some of us are trying to rosin our bow, unlike you.” he glanced at the floor, where amber shards of rosin lay amidst white dust (also made of rosin).
“to be fair, most of those aren’t mine,” you pointed out. you reached into your violin case, finding the rectangular case of rosin and opening the top. "mine's only chipped in a couple corners, and the rest is just worn on the edges from my bow."
you leaned over to look at bakugou's rosin, two stubs in its case. "and i'm the one dropping my rosin?"
his ears turned a deep red, matching the velvet curtains on stage. "that's different," he muttered, putting the lid on his rosin and putting it away.
"you ready?" you watched him swallow before speaking, not looking at you. you could hear one of the presenters speaking, introducing the first piece to be played (an ever-so romantic rendition of clair de lune), but the voices felt distant and muffled over the sound of your own nervous heart beating.
"yeah," he replied. he turned to look at you, scarlet eyes meeting your own. "what, you're not scared now, are you, dumbass?"
you gulped. "no… just excited," you said. in truth, you felt disappointed in yourself for being unable to find any emotion in your playing - thinking about the piece, you were devoid of anything but the measures and the notes. what was the piece trying to say in the white space between staff lines? after the clef at the beginning of the music, where did the emotions start and everything else end?
quiet notes, twinkling from the piano on stage, met your ears. you took a deep breath. how did they make you feel?
…not very good, because this pianist was certainly a beat or two off tempo. a large hand on your knee startled you out of your trance. its warmth was surprisingly comforting. you followed the arm connecting to the hand to meet bakugou's concentrated face, eyebrows furrowed and nose scrunched.
"don't shake your knee like that. also, why are you so damn cold?" he moved his hand away, leaving an imprint of heat on your knee. you hadn't noticed the physical manifestation of your nerves prior to bakugou's words.
you left his question unanswered, staring at your violin in your lap. you traced the patterns in wood, fingers following the shape of the f-hole and thumbing circles on your chin rest. how were you supposed to be able to pull living, breathing life in the form of emotions from an inanimate object? what sorcery were you supposed to manage to satisfy yourself and the audience?
you thought back to bakugou's words. what was it had he said you were supposed to be playing for? love, the irrational and sentimental flaw of life - somehow expressed from the symbols on a sheet of paper and through strings on hollow wood. what sort of miracle was bakugou creating with his music?
what was violin, if not just a task to do everyday? what was it, out of competitions and tests of skill? what was the sound reverberating within its vacant body, recording every shift of fingers on the fingerboard?
you looked past your violin to the rosin on the floor. friction, your violin teacher had explained to you. you put rosin on your bow so it creates friction with the strings, and thus creates sound. it was strange how friction caused the smooth sound of a violin. too much friction, added by pressure on the bow, made a creaky sound on the strings. without rosin, the bow would be too smooth on the string and make no noise at all. the happy medium of not too much and not too little created the familiar rich tone on the strings.
a happy medium, you mused. in between too much friction and none at all. maybe that was how you were supposed to feel, in between trying too hard and not trying at all. that's what feelings were in the end, right? a natural human instinct, spurred by life. could you breathe life into the music?
the stage seemed almost too big for the two of you, spotlights centering you on the wide, wooden platform. the crowd's eyes were on you and your fellow violinist, some watching with drooping eyelids. they felt far, distant under the shadows. even so, the question still besieged you - would you please them?
you teared your eyes away to bakugou, who started the count. everything was silent until he nodded to you, your cue to start the piece. it felt too fast when you began but it was the same allegro you’d been practicing with. muscle memory took control now, your fingers finding their places easily.
your fingers and bow took all your attention. everything else fell away - the lights, the crowd, the stage - until it was just you, your violin, and the music. you could practically see the score in your head, playing the notes you'd come to know so well.
you heard your music echo and resound off the walls, but that's all it seemed to do. it touched everyone in the room, looking for a place to stay, and diminished in an empty space alone. it frustrated you that it wouldn't resonate - where was the love bakugou had so told you of? this auditorium was no different than your room, where sounds bounced off walls and landed nowhere. you weren't reaching anywhere or anyone, lacking emotion and any true substance.
love - what was love if not a hindrance? how could bakugou expect so much out of you? love - had you ever felt it for the violin? dolce told you to play sweetly, softly, and gently, but what was sweet about the violin? what was so sweet about the imprints of strings on your fingers, fragmented rosin at your feet, and bruises on your neck from long hours of practice? what was gentle about the arduous replaying of the same measure, the ringing in your ears after playing to master a simple phrase? what was soft about the forte that rang in your head, the fortissimo that filled a performance and clouded your senses?
dolce filled you like an epiphany, euphoric in your eyes that finally opened and awakened. dolce was in bakugou's eyes, soft velvet like the crimson curtains onstage, downcast at his violin. dolce was in his sound as his bow skittered near the fingerboard, in his fingers sliding back and forth on his a string. dolce was in his grasp of his bow and violin, in the very essence he played the violin with. dolce contradicted everything you knew, reminding you of bakugou's soft hands over yours, guiding your fingers and bow. dolce was the morning light streaming into the practice room as you argued with bakugou over tempos and notes, the light glinting on shattered shards of rosin as you anxiously rosined your bow. dolce was the curve of your violin scroll, the bend of your fingers over your bow's frog. dolce was the white space in between staff lines on your sheet music and through half and whole notes. dolce was everything in between the rough of your violin experience, the laughter and smiling gone forgotten during sleepless practice sessions and violin evaluations.
what was dolce, if not a rebellion? what was it, if not a rebellion from the years of work and pain you'd endured in the name of musicality? what was it, if not laughing in the face of your violin instructors and the strict score you adhered to?
when you opened your eyes to meet bakugou's, whose carmine eyes dripped with a burning passion and the essence of souls, you finally felt. it was the so-sought over love, scorching every note and stroke of your bow and bursting life in every movement, breath, and echo of your performance. it was exhilarating, living through every slur and chord you played. when you finally met his eyes he understood, a satisfied smile tugging on his lips as his gaze never left yours. this was it - this was dolce, humming sweetly, softly, and gently in your ears and reflecting in the audience's heart. this was dolce, making you realize that you never wanted to play violin alone again.
you picked up a rose that had landed at your feet at the end of your piece, holding it next to bakugou's confused face. in doing so, you reached your second epiphany of the day - perhaps the more important of the two. bakugou's eyes bloomed redder than the rose, deeper than the lowest note on a double bass, and maybe it was he that was the true dolce you were looking for.
notes!!
if you’re reading this, congrats !! this is my longest fic on my account (the record will be broken soon), so i really appreciate you reading this :> (spare a reblog, perhaps?)
first, explaining the playlist:
beethoven’s kreutzer - this was played in the anime, “your lie in april,” and i simply think it fits the “fight” reader and bakugou have. this was played at reader’s first international recital that did not go so well.
kreisler’s liebesfreud (love’s joy) is in the same series as his piece called liebesleid (love’s sorrow), also featured in “your lie in april.” i personally really like the piece. of all of these listed, i think you should listen to this one the most.
beriot’s duo concertante was the other contender for reader and bakugou’s duet piece!
debussy’s clair de lune is simply a favorite of mine. it’s the first piece played at the valentine’s performance (and i like to imagine reader’s listened to bakugou’s recording of the piece)
spohr’s duo for 2 violins is the piece reader and bakugou play! it’s the second part of the duo in allegro, and i once tried to listen to it while following the sheet music. i was so confused every time i did so; i’d get lost and such, and figured my musicality was declining. nope. i was reading the wrong part. so, i started freaking out because oh god the dolce is in the first part, not the second, and thankfully, there’s a bit of dolce in the second part too! however, it did take me a while to decide whether to use the first part instead.
also, spohr invented the chinrest on the violin! crazy :D
paginini’s 24th caprice is considered the hardest out of all 24 caprices. imagine,,, teenage bakugou playing this,,, doing the left hand pizz and all T^T pain
there’s a lot i wish i could cover in this! a lot of reader’s own flaws (ahem, viola jokes) and development were something i couldn’t cover. bakugou’s arc as well! he had an arc a bit before this story takes place :)) tl;dr i’m very tempted to pick my violin up again and start playing
the frog of the bow does not, sadly, go ribbit. it’s the part violinists hold the bow by!
thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed this :)
#bakugou x reader#bnha x reader#bakugou fluff#bnha fluff#katsuki bakugou x reader#bnha x gender neutral reader#bakugou angst#bnha angst#luna's writing#violinist bakugou
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