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batmanisagatewaydrug · 3 days

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reading roundup: May 2024

you guyssssss you guys you guys you guys I've been reading so much this month :)

sometimes my brain gets the itch to just DEVOUR books and it's really been on me, probably thanks to the burst of energy + free time that comes with the semester ending and summer getting started! the days are longer, the last of my season depression has been kicked to the curb, and I can spend hours reading on the porch every evening. the ideal!

right now, as the month ends, I'm feeling a particular hankering towards nonfiction and juicy new summer novels; I reblogged a Lit Hub roundup of new books the other day that got my brain buzzinggggg with excitement for the coming months. we'll see if that ends up manifesting in the June roundup, but for now, here's what kept me busy in May:

Paris Daillencourt is About to Crumble (Alexis Hall, 2022) - this month I read two romance novels picked by my beautiful patreonites; I did a compare/contrast between the two over on Patreon and I'll leave the majority of my thoughts there, but suffice to say that I am not a fan of Paris. definitely the weakest of the three Alexis Hall novels, and a real disappointment since I found the other two delightful. the story is straightforward enough and has some potential for sure, but Paris as a protagonist is a sodden mess who I found just insufferable. thumbs down from me, gang.

Chef's Kiss (TJ Alexander, 2022) - hi, it's the other romance novel. this one is a lot goofier than Paris Daillencourt, which is fitting since it's BA Test Kitchen rpf starring a bisexual Claire Saffitz and a nonbinary Brad Leone. it's frustrating because the story is definitely stronger than the one in Paris but the romance is piteously undercooked, although I was at least fine with the protag and her love interest getting together - they were boring but unobjectionable, unlike Paris and his love interest who I really thought would have been better off as friends. now that I'm thinking about it, you might get a perfect queer cooking show romance novel if you somehow mashed the two of them together. they're both, like, so close to working, but ultimately fall flat.

Delicious in Dungeon Vol. 4-6 (Ryoko Kui, 2018) - I don't even know what to say except that I'm still loving everything about Dungeon Meshi. the craft and thought that Kui puts into every facet of the world, from the big picture politics between fantasy races to the individual thoughts and feelings of each character, shows so much love for the world without ever being overbearing; it never feels like exposition is being hammered down my throat so much as little details are being tastefully arranged to be enjoyed at whatever speed and to whatever extent the reader likes. the world is getting bigger with each chapter and I'm looking forward to exploring more, especially now that Falin's hottie monster form and that good good catgirl have entered the chat.

Earthdivers Vol. 2: Ice Age (Stephen Graham Jones, Riccardo Burchielli, Patricio Depeche, Emily Schnall, Joana Lafuente, 2024) - once again I've done the worst thing that you can do as a comics fan, which is get invested in a series that's just starting out and is still releasing individual issues. the third trade paperback won't be out until December, so I guess I'm either going to have to go on hiatus with Earthdivers or start chasing down new releases on comic pirating sites, which feels shitty - that's how I read Batman comics that are the same age as me, not new stuff from authors I actually want to support! but Earthdivers might just be worth it. the second installment takes us to a wildly different setting than the first, Columbus-killing collection, dropping fearsome mother Tawny in a prehistoric North America. but while the setting changes, the series is still grappling with the question of what its protagonists are willing to sacrifice and who they're willing to become to change the past and save the world. we're starting to see bigger hints about how much history can be altered and catching some clues about the series' antagonist (???); I gotta know what happens next.

Prairie Fires: The American Dreams of Laura Ingalls Wilder (Caroline Fraser, 2017) - here it is, the book that got nonfic so powerfully on the brain! this is a riveting history whether you grew up on Little House on the Prairie or not (I didn't), tracking Laura Ingalls Wilder from an impoverished girl constantly imperiled by life on the prairie to a beloved icon of American propaganda. for me, personally, this hefty book really picks up when it gets to the endlessly complicated and frequently nasty relationship that Wilder had with her daughter when said daughter was grown; Rose Wilder Lane is a FASCINATING figure in her own right and I'm kind of obsessed with what a shithead grifter girlboss she was. fascinating stuff all around.

The Brides of High Hill (Nghi Vo, 2024) - Vo's series of Singing Hills novellas has always woven from one genre to another, exploring new types of stories just as our protagonist, the cleric Chih, explores new lands. this installation takes us straight into a gothic horror that pulls out all the stops: an isolated manor, an enigmatic madman roaming the grounds, the strangling snares of social conventions, and a blushing bride who isn't exactly what she seems. I read it in one sitting, it's delicious.

Superfreaks: Kink, Pleasure, and the Pursuit of Happiness (Arielle Greenberg, 2023) - a poppin' primer for anybody who wants to learn more about the world of kink and what the fuck is going on out there. at one point I did catch myself thinking that I was a little underwhelmed and that Greenberg wasn't really putting forth anything that radical, but then I realized that speaking extremely candidly about and validating interest in basically any kink or fetish imaginable, and yes I do mean straight up any of them, is actually A Lot for many people to handle. so, yeah, good book, check it out for a friendly and enthusiastic intro to the wide world of kink.

Sex Criminals Vol. 2: Two Worlds, One Cop (Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky, 2015) - the first volume of Sex Criminals left me feeling a little meh, but I decided to keep going because Matt Fraction's Hawkeye run was lifechanging and I know this series is pretty widely acclaimed, so I want to see where we're going with this. (plus it's free via the library, so what do I have to lose?) this volume really sold me on the series and particularly on Jon, who I was pretty lukewarm on initially. he really stole the spotlight in this one, and I like the way that the story is ratcheting up the stakes.

The Stone Sky (N.K. Jemisin, 2017) - GOOOOOOOOOD what a book! what a trilogy! in a series shaped by empires and natural disasters, the story ultimately ends with a quit confrontation of clashing ideologies, a young daughter determined to end the world and a mother equally determined that one of her children should live. and that shit hurts! I read the series a couple of times when I was younger but I was never before able to fully appreciate the work Jemisin does in crafting Essun and Nassun, showing us the way cruelty and fear have shaped both of them into the people they ultimately are and the choices they make. absolutely masterful, a legend.

From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World in Search of the Good Death (Caitlin Doughty, 2017) - this was another reread, and while N.K. Jemisin was blowing my mind, Caitlin Doughty was giving me a warm hug. I don't know what to tell you, reading about the ways that people all over the world care for their dead and take comfort in their memories makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. death can be really beautiful and comforting, if you're not a coward.

The Big Reveal: An Illustrated Manifesto of Drag (Sasha Velour, 2023) - listen, I'm not really a Drag Race girlie. I first heard about this book when Velour was a guest on Nicole Byers' podcast, and while I was very charmed by her I was not expecting to be blown away by her book. it's just a little cash-in for a Ru girl, right? all she needs to do is slap together some cool pictures of her in drag and a few platitudes about being yourself and boom bang, that's a book. but readers, I owe Sasha Velour an apology: this book was so much cooler and smarter than it needed to be! Velour brings an impressive eye to forces of colonialism and capitalism that shape art and conceptions of queerness, and keeps this framework firmly in place while keeping the tone of the book bubbly and lighthearted. she also goes out of her way to spotlight a huge variety of drag performers and gender nonconforming figures throughout history, celebrating all the different means of expression that make up the tapestry of contemporary queerness. a great read, and one that I've already shelled out for. a friend and I are working on a documentary exploring the nuances of queer style, and I know I'm gonna want to pull heavily from Velour's thoughts and the history she's curated.

#bookblr

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ricksroaches · 3 years

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Jungkook - Dysphoria ch. 1

pairing: Yoongi x Reader, OT7 x Reader (platonic)

summary: Jungkook, a burnt out gifted student, comes home from summer camp not ready to start his sophomore year of highschool, but his friends are there to help him feel better. Although not in the best of ways.

notes: This is a Euphoria-ish au but mostly it's just heavily inspired by the show (I use a few quotes), and each chapter is based on a character. There's a few parts where I cue a song title that's because I made a soundtrack to listen to while reading but I deleted it a while ago so :( if you feel like it listen to the ones I did write down. I'm apologizing now bc my writing can be a bit choppy/rushed its just cuz i have a more drabble-like style and don't know how to write between big scenes. THIS IS A DARK FIC. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Hope you enjoy and sorry for this big ass paragraph.

word count: 3.9k

warnings: ass-load of angst, mental illness (depression, anxiety, bipolar, OCD, and probably more), drugs (all of them. just all of them), underage drinking, cursing, mentions of self-harm

Next chapter

[Slideshow - Labrinth]

When Jungkook was 5, he wanted to be an astronaut. He wanted to fly into the sky and zip around space exploring things never before seen. His little mind was so strong, wanting to learn anything and everything. When he first learned how to read, he would read every sign he passed in the car and play games with the letters he’d find. It wasn’t long before he was placed in advanced classes with kids he'd never seen before and for the first time in his academic career, he was challenged.

When Jungkook was 10, he wanted to be a doctor. He wanted to wear a white coat and glasses and race around a hospital busy saving lives everyday. He wanted people to look to him for advice and treat him with respect. He wanted to feel needed.

When Jungkook was 14, he wanted to be a paramedic. He didn’t think he’d be smart enough to become a doctor so an EMT would have to do. His classes had begun to pile up in work to the point where he didn’t have the time to think about anything but school. He ate, slept, and breathed homework, projects, and term papers.

When Jungkook was 16, all he wanted to do was graduate. He no longer had any desire to pursue his childhood dreams. When he was asked what he wanted to do when he was older, his mind was a void. He couldn’t see any future for himself past high school. He went day to day not bothering to care about what might happen the next day. He coasted through all of his classes and dropped out of the advanced programs that his parents put him in.

His potential was like a flame. It was small at first, but still had loads of potential, so more kindling was thrown on top. The flame received it well, quickly spreading over the new material. But they kept stacking kindling. Stacking and stacking and stacking putting more and more pressure until finally….the flame died. All because he liked to read.

[Forever - Labrinth]

The clouds inched across the sky and rows of crops and fencing whipped by the car window. A stark contrast between the two. Jungkook rested his head against the glass and watched as the car began to pass more and more houses. The familiar area told him he was almost home. He should’ve been glad, elated even. He would finally get to see his friends again, but after three weeks of summer school to catch up on the class he skipped last year he’d lost the ability to smile or show any form of positivity. To say he felt like a zombie would be an insulting understatement.

The car pulled into the ever so familiar driveway and the rest of his family piled out of the car. He didn’t move. He heaved a long, anguished sigh before snatching his duffel bag from the other seat and throwing open the door.

He was out the front door again before his mom could even ask him where he was going. Speeding his bike down the empty road that he’d ridden countless times before. He could make this route with his eyes closed. The house in question came into view and Jungkook pedaled harder to close the distance. He swung one leg to the opposite pedal and straddled it until he swerved to a stop in the driveway. The house was old, hadn’t been lived in for years, wasn’t on the market, yet wasn’t scheduled to be torn down. It was the perfect place for a group of teenagers to tear apart and put back together. Without knocking, he stepped inside and was hit with the welcoming scent of booze, pizza, and weed with notes of cigarettes and coffee. Music blasting from a distant room in the house led him to the living room where he counted one, two, three, four, five people sprawled about the room. Upon noticing him standing in the doorway, they jumped up and raced to pull him into the room.

“Kook! How you been man? How’d surviving summer school go?” Taehyung was Jungkook’s best friend and unsolicited wingman. He was always trying to set him up with girls so he could get his v card punched. Taehyung was ever the ladies man. Never had trouble finding a date or a hookup. No one could blame him though. If they had that flawless, arrogant face they’d use it too. Despite his fuckboy nature, he was the best friend Jungkook ever had. They’d gone to the same school since they were 7 and Taehyung’s untamable charisma sniffed out Jungkook’s shyness rather quickly. They were inseparable and the rest is history.

“Fine I guess.”

“Kookie, come sit down! I’ve been saving your spot on the couch for you!” Jimin pulled Jungkook to the left corner of the C shaped couch. Jimin was like Taehyung in the sense that he also had no issues with finding partners. He wasn’t near as promiscuous as Taehyung, but he made up for it with his bisexuality. He had an entire other gender to choose from. Jimin was probably the nicest of the group. He always gave the best hugs and was their personal therapist. His aura seemed to coax you into opening up to him even if you hadn’t originally planned on it. He had a way of saying all the right words to make you feel better, even if it was just for a moment. On the other side of him, he was the biggest party animal the group had ever seen. Anywhere else, he was the purest angel that everyone believed could do no wrong. But at a party? Park Jimin was a demon. Seductively dancing in a stylish jacket, pants low enough to show his v-line, sweaty hair flipped back pounding shot after shot until he was the last man standing. That guy could party from sun down to sun up like it was a baby shower.

“Did you at least learn anything you missed last year?” Namjoon. Ever the parent. He was surprisingly humble given his father’s status and money. He easily had the best grades among the friends. School always came easy to him, no matter what it was. However, if you saw him outside of school, you’d never be able to guess he was one of the school’s top students. He carried an energy with him that dared anyone to mess with him or his friends. Although you didn’t see it often, he could make himself scary if he wanted to. All in all, he’s just a gentle giant that made sure everyone turned in their work.

“Absolutely nothing. I don’t know why they keep wasting their time on me.” Jungkook sighed. Hoseok threw a pillow from across the couch, smacking him in the face.

“Yah! Don’t talk about yourself like that!” Hoseok was the human charger. It didn’t matter if someone’s mama died if Hoseok was in the room there would be shenanigans. He was always the one to make some crazy dare that would end up getting them in trouble but they wouldn’t be mad because it was totally worth it. He also had great music taste and almost always was on aux. Hoseok’s vice was coke. Often the driving force behind his hyper nature, it started out as just a thing he did at parties, but slowly creeped into his everyday habits. It hadn’t become a problem yet, he vowed that as soon as he started getting nosebleeds he’d stop, although Jungkook was wary of how difficult that was going to be.

“Where’s Y/N and Yoongi?” Jungkook asked after noticing their usual spots empty.

“They left to get food. They should be coming back soon.” Jin assured him, giving him a comical slap on the thigh. Jin was the eldest, but rarely acted like it. Whenever he wasn’t making stupid dad jokes or eating he spent his time at the classical theater where he worked and sometimes acted. He planned on pursuing acting given his “world wide handsome face.” “It just has to be seen! People around the world need to swoon at my beauty” as he would put it.

No one heard the front door open and shut or noticed Y/N and Yoongi standing in the doorway of the living room.

“Food’s here.” Yoongi finally croaked. Hoseok and Jin yelped and sprung up.

“JESUS! Ever heard of announcing yourselves?! I swear you guys are the exact same person!” Y/N just gave a shrug and plopped onto the large bean bag that she’d claimed.

“Hey, Kooker.” She dragged out.

“Hi Y/N..” His unusual bland reply didn’t go unnoticed by her, but she brushed it off.

“You ready to get shit faced?” A playful grin plastered her otherwise tranquil face. A small smile poked at Jungkooks pursed lips. There was something about her character that always put him in a better mood. She was the one who invited him and Tae into the friend group in the first place, and because of that, he couldn’t be more grateful.

Yoongi tossed him a beer can and his car keys. “Start us off Jungkook.” Yoongi was by far the most terrifying one. It took some time to get to know his true person but there were still times when he still scared the shit out of him. Jungkook remembered when he first met Yoongi. He looked like he’d served time with the seasoned look in his eye that said he’d seen some shit in his day. He hadn’t spoken the entire time the group was talking and Jungkook was beginning to worry that he didn’t like him. It wasn’t til he finally spoke that Jungkook could release the breath he was holding. For someone so stoic and cold looking, he never expected him to have such a low, soft voice. He realized, Yoongi wasn’t scary, he was just quiet like him.

Jungkook took the keys and poked a hole in the bottom of the can. He pressed his lips to it and pulled the tab, sending the amber liquor shooting down his throat. He finished it with ease and crushed the can in his palm while the room cheered and chanted.

The loud music, laughing, and drugs drowned out everything in the outside world. It felt like the world ended and they were the last people left on Earth. Nothing mattered but what was right in front of them. The hours flew by until it came time for everyone to crash. Most of them were still raging drunk or high which only made them fall asleep faster. Jungkook didn’t drink much and he barely smoked. He just couldn’t get in the right headspace to enjoy any of it. So there he was, laying awake among a pile of snoring boys at some ungodly hour of the night. His phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out to read the text in his notifications.

[We All Knew - Labrinth]

Y/N💜: come to my office

He shimmied out from under Taehyung and Jimin and tiptoed out of the room. He followed the smell of weed through the house because where there was weed, there was Y/N. He stepped into the backyard and found her leaning against the wall, blunt between her fingers. The tip of the dark stick swelled into a bright orange when she took a drag. Smoke rolling out of her nose, she held it out for him. He hesitated.

“You're upset. Take it.” Which was a dead-on observation for Y/N, who’s not normally revolving in the same direction as planet Earth. He hesitantly took a puff from it before handing it back. She spread her arms lazily and looked at him with a beckoning stare. He sighed and walked right into her arms that wrapped around his back. She was only older than him by a year, but her old soul and almost motherly demeanor made him look up to her like she was his idol. Sometimes, he forgot he was a whole head taller than her. “Welcome home, Kookie.”

Hers was the only welcome he got that day that brought a genuine smile to his face. She had a way of making him feel welcome and wanted even if she was in a bad mood. She broke the embrace and without a word headed to the old couch by the empty swimming pool. He eventually followed her and flopped down next to her. Another gush of smoke entered the chilly air and it was handed back to him. Feeling better, he took a healthy drag and sighed out the smoke as he sunk further into the couch.

“Was it that obvious?”

“Was what obvious?”

“Me being upset.”

“Not really.” She flicked the ash off the tip of the brown stick, her gaze not breaking from its spacey stare.

“Then how’d you know?”

“Pain recognizes pain.” Y/N wasn’t one for her genius epiphanies, given that nine times out of ten on any given day she was stoned out of her mind. She wasn’t dumb, god no. He wouldn’t doubt that she was smarter than him, but she rarely exercised her ability. As great of a gift that her mind was, it was an even worse curse. An inescapable tomb of her worst fears, thoughts, and intentions, with nowhere to run and nowhere to hide. So naturally, she tried anything and everything to silence her mind; alcohol, weed, acid, coke, molly, you name it, she’s done it.

Jungkook wasn’t angry or disappointed by the lengths she went. He knew she was just trying to feel better, and to him, that’s all that mattered. He’d take high Y/N over no Y/N at all.

“Y/N?”

“Yep.” There was a silence while he worked up the nerve to speak.

“How…uh….how long have you felt…the way you feel?” She chuckled and let her head fall back against the couch.

“Well I smoked a blunt with Yoongi in the car this morning and then-”

“No, I mean like…w-without drugs.” Her lazy smile didn’t change, but her eyes unfocused and she grew quiet as if lost in a flashback.

“How long do you think I’ve felt this way?” He didn’t anticipate this question.

“Uh…I don’t know…you hide it really well.”

“I couldn’t tell you when it started. I don’t remember much before 7. I’m told I was a happy kid, but it didn’t feel like it at all. All my life I’ve looked around and seen that everyone was so much happier than me, and I’d ask myself, ‘Why can’t I feel like that?’ It wasn’t until I was older that I learned…I was born to suffer. That’s just my place in the world.”

“When did you finally tell anyone?”

“I didn’t. My parents found my razors.” Jungkook always thought he saw scars on her arms and legs, but her milky skin made it hard to tell. It hurt his heart to know that it was true, and that every one of those once caused her pain. The image of her forearms and thighs slick with her blood brewed tears in his eyes.

“They determined they didn’t have the knowledge to help me, so they asked me to take a tour of this mental hospital and think about their suggestion….” She paused to keep her voice from cracking. “I didn’t make it home that day. Never really forgave them after that.”

There was a long silence after that. Jungkook didn’t say anything. There was nothing to say. Besides, he knew she hated condolences. “What made you start using drugs?” She took a drag of the blunt and thought about it.

“I was 13.” Really? “I found my brothers stash of weed in one of his shoes. I already knew what weed was and what it was used for, so I took about a gram and a rolling paper and taught myself how to roll a joint on my bathroom floor. I was shaking like a dog shitting peach seeds but when that joint hit, I thought…” She tilted her head to peak at him with an epiphanic smile, “This is it…This is the feeling that I’ve been waiting to feel my entire life. I thought I was sure to get caught and sent to juvie, but I wasn’t. The world went on, and I found a way to live. Now could my lifestyle kill me? Will it kill me? Yeah probably I don’t know, but at least I could’ve had a few years where I wasn’t begging the universe to put me out of my misery.” She paused to take another hit. “People often ask me, ‘Y/N why don’t you try therapy? Drugs aren’t the answer.’ Yeah well, drugs work. Therapy’s a guessing game; you never know if it’s gonna actually help or not and end up wasting your time and money. But when I take that hit, that line, that tab, the world starts to slow…and everything goes quiet…and I feel safe. In my own head. And I can see the world in color again.”

Jungkook watched her blissful face while she was lost in thought. She must’ve been pretty high because this is the most personal she’d ever gotten with him or possibly anyone that wasn’t Yoongi. “Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“W-what if I don’t feel what everyone else feels either..?” He pinched the skin between his fingers to keep his tears at bay, a nervous habit he’d picked up from her. She reached over and took his hand in hers, the webbing between her fingers had white and pink stripes from years of fingernails digging into the flesh.

“Jungkook,” she didn’t use his nickname, “I know how hard it was for you to say that. I want you to know how much I appreciate you telling me, because if anyone knows how you feel, it’s me. You can talk to me whenever, wherever. Even when you think it’s a bad time it’s not, because nothing in that moment is more important to me than you. I don’t want you to go through the same thing I did, so please, even if you don’t want to talk, maybe I can at least keep you company.”

For the rest of the night, Jungkook told her everything. About the pressure, the stress, the desire to collapse and let the world go on without him, his inability to see a future where he was fulfilled. The words often caught in his throat, having never said them out loud before. Y/N didn’t say much, she just wrapped them in a blanket and stroked his hair while she just let him talk. Sometimes, he’d have to stop to cry and she’d hold him a little tighter, wipe his tears away with her thumbs, and wait til he was ready again.

Eventually, he had nothing else to say, his tears dried, and his body stilled.

Babies didn’t sleep that good.

Y/N nodded off a little later but was woken up by a raccoon tipping a trash can. She rested her cheek on his head and tried to go back to sleep, but it never came. She just continued to rest her eyes while playing with Jungkook’s hair and tracing lines along his features.

She didn’t know how long she laid there but soon the birds began their routine morning songs and she was sure she wouldn’t get back to sleep now. The faint tap of shoes on the concrete perked her ears, but she kept her eyes closed. The footsteps stopped behind the couch where she sat. It was quiet before the person chuckled quietly. A warm hand smoothed back the hair in her face and a little kiss was planted on her forehead. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face.

“Yoongi, I’m awake you creep.” She cracked her eyes open to see her boyfriend laid over the back of the couch hovering above her, his dark hair tickling her nose. He smirked.

“Well in that case,” he grabbed her chin and tilted her head up before capturing her lips in a playful kiss. When they parted, he glanced down at Jungkooks still sleeping figure. “You guys stay out here all night?”

“Yeah,” she looked down at him and smoothed his hair back, “he just had a few things to get off his chest.” Yoongi almost asked what it was about but her face gave him an idea.

“It’s cold, you want me to take him inside?”

“It won’t wake him up will it?”

“If he’s as out as as he looks, he won’t.” She nodded and Yoongi circled around and slipped his hands under the sleeping boy’s body. Much to Y/N’s pleasant surprise, he lifted him bridal style with ease and she followed him into the house where he placed him next to the other slumbering boys.

When he straightened back up he saw her in the sliding glass door, gazing at the now dusty blue sky. She could feel his body heat on her back against the nippy outside air.

“I always loved the time just before dawn.”

“Why is that?” He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his cheek to hers.

“It’s so calm and peaceful. And incredibly quiet besides the birds. It’s the only time I feel truly left alone.”

“You want me to show you my favorite time of day?” She turned to him with a curious look. “Follow me.” Not long after, the two were perched on the flat portion of the roof with Yoongi’s bong sitting between them. His angular fingers effortlessly packed the bowl and held it out to her. “All yours.” She took it with a smile.

“What a gentleman~”

Soon, the sky went from a pale blue to pastel shades of orange and pink. He looked over to see her fiddling with a thread on his hoodie she was wearing. “This,” he took her jaw and guided her eyes up for her to see the sunrise, “is my favorite time of day.”

“Why?”

“It gives me hope. Kinda like you.” He was glad she didn’t say anything. She was lost in the color palette of the scene before her, the weed making everything so much more vibrant and striking. He could see the sky reflected in her eyes, making the view ten times better. More time went by and she rested her head on his broad shoulder while they watched the rest of the sunrise.

Back on the ground, Yoongi cleared the bowl and poured out the bong water before setting it on a table by the couch. Y/N was on her back in the center of the empty pool, slowly tearing a leaf above her face and analyzing how it separated cell by cell. He stood on the edge above and watched her do this another four times much to his amusement. “You wanna get breakfast?”

She was out of the pool and in his face before he could finish his sentence. “Like you have to ask.” He chuckled and rolled his eyes before turning and walking to his car. “Hey, Yoongi.”

He turned back.

“Carry me to the car like Jungkook.” He broke into a smirk and walked back to her.

“Yes ma’am.” She let out a yelp when he scooped her off her feet and marched the two of them to his car waiting on the street.

Cover photo: @BIGHITTED on Twitter

#bts #bts fanfic #bts x reader #fanfic #yoongi #yoongi x reader #ot7 x reader #bts fic #yoongi fic #bts angst

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dreams-of-wings · 5 years

Text

Impossible (7/8)

Imagine Billy Hargrove with a Mixed/Biracial SO

Warnings: SEASON 3 SPOILERS, Swearing, mild violence, angst.

The rest of the week flies by, with Billy weaning himself away from hanging out with Tommy and Carol and more to hanging out with you.

Billy actually learned a couple things that just barely helped him scrape by on his tests.

You passed with flying colors of course.

Now y'all are in the "real world"

Billy snags a summer job as a life guard.

You got a job at the hospital as a patient escort (the hours ain't bad, and it pays good).

You visit Billy at the pool sometimes, and you both still hang out on weekends.

Tommy and Carol don't hang around him anymore (because popularity status from high school no longer matters).

You're trying to help Billy move out of his house, but getting a place of your own isn't easy, so you manage to convince your parents to let him move in with you guys.

He has to stay in the guest room and pay rent though, obviously.

Billy still hasn't moved in yet though because he wants to save a bit of money before he has to worry about paying bills.

It's a smart idea and you support him.

For the most part your Summer is just working, hanging out with friends after work, and juggling the kids (Will, Dustin till he goes to summer camp, Mike, Lucas, and Max. You don't worry about Eleven because she isn't really allowed out of her house).

One day when the kids are all hanging out at your place, Billy walks in and treats the place like he lives there.

Just walks in grabs the milk from your fridge and makes himself a bowl of Cereal, before sitting in a stool by your kitchens island.

Thay all just kinda stare at him for a moment in silence.

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Billy just rolls his eyes and finishes his bowl before getting up to go to the bathroom.

"Ah, ah! Put it in the sink!" You just happen to walk past to grab something from your parents room.

He doesn't fuss, throw a fit, or even act remotely annoyed. He just back tracks and put the bowl in the sink, filling it with warm water before continuing on his way.

Once you both are out of ear shot, Lucas mentions how he's glad the two of you are dating, because Billy's gotten a whole lot better. He's still an ass, but old Billy would have tried to scare the shit out of the kids for fun just for staring at him. New Billy was just annoyed.

Max acts like she's disgusted, not at the idea of the two of you being together, but just because Billy is her brother and she's just grossed out by the thought of him with anyone really.

"They are not dating!"

"They totally are, did you not see the way they just interacted!" Mike is whisper yelling.

"Yeah, it was actually kinda..." Lucas shrugged and looked at Mike.

"Domestic," Mike found the word Lucas was looking for.

"Nu-uh! Billy's just moving in, so he should know house rules by now." Max tried to justify what just happened, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms, before sitting back into the couch with a huff.

"That statement really doesn't help your case."

"Trust us, they're dateing."

"Who's dating?" You walk in just then.

"No one!" "Mike and Eleven!" "Max and Lucas!" They all had conflicting answers to your question.

You just raised a brow in confusion at them.

At that moment Billy steps out with his red duffle bag and heads out for work, "Forgot I left my stuff here the other night," he explains as he passes you to the door.

The kids all look at each other, 'The other night?'

"Okay, there's leftovers in the fridge!" You call as he opens the door.

Billy pauses again and backtracks, closing the door, going to the fridge, and opening it. He paused for a moment as if searching, and then he pulls out a Tupperware container with last night's dinner in it, before putting it in his duffle and heading out again, "Thanks," he opens the door, "See you later!"

"See you!" You turn and look back at the kids, "Sorry, what were you saying?"

They kinda just stare at you gobsmacked.

"Nothing."

The kids actually make it there mission for a while to prove to Max that the two of you are together, but all they succeed in doing is getting caught and threatened by Billy to "Fuck off" and "take your sick jokes elsewhere." He doesn't appreciate peeping toms, especially when they're peeping at him.

Still kinda the same old Billy, just much less dramatic.

You notice something's up with Billy though after he gets attacked by the Mind Flyer.

He seems paranoid, tense, and almost bipolar.

You ask him constantly about it when you see him, and at first he tells you its nothing.

You thought his dad found out about him trying to leave because now he doesn't come around your house anymore.

You still see him at the pool, and he'll stop by, but he never stays.

He becomes awkward in conversations, like he's there, but not completely.

You wonder if he's depressed.

Then he starts avoiding you all together after Heather goes missing (of course you didn't know that she'd gone missing).

When you manage to corner him at the pool, Billy seems to revert back to his old High School self.

He's rude and tells you he wants you to stay away from him.

You're honestly really hurt now because you've made so much progress.

He was supposed to be moving in for gods sake.

Little do you know he's just trying to protect you.

You're the last person he wants to hurt.

He's already hurt one of his coworkers.

He almost hurt Mrs. Wheeler.

But you don't know about her.

When the kids try to spy on Billy, your house is the first place they go to.

Max has been sleeping over at Elevens house the past few nights, so she doesn't know he's been actively ghosting you.

"I dont know, he's avoiding me."

They of course thought that was weird, just a few days ago he seemed so comfortable in this house and around you, and suddenly he's giving you the cold shoulder?

"Did you guys get into a fight?" Max is concerned now because she's really hoping Billy is not the host. They're looking for Billy to do very un-Billy things as proof, and this- thus us very un-Billy.

"No, one day he was fine, then the next he acts like he doesn't want to talk to me if he doesn't have to, and now he's avoiding me all together!" You're actually getting very frustrated now.

"Do you guys know something? Did something happen? Is Billy okay?"

"No nothing," You still dont know about what's been going on the past year or so. You weren't there when they caught off the Demigorgon and you weren't there for the fall of the Mind Flyr either. They had to keep it a secret, "Max just noticed he hadn't been around you lately."

"Friends don't lie," Eleven doesn't like that they were hiding Billy's life being in danger. If something happens to him, you would be hurt, and it would partially be their fault for not telling you the truth.

They try to keep Eleven quiet.

Spoiler, it doesn't work.

So they have to tell you everything that's happened since Will disappeared.

You didn't believe them at first of course, but then Eleven shows you her powers and you start to second guess yourself.

It would at least explain Billy's sudden odd behavior, and why Will acted strange after he returned.

Of course you had always blaimed it on PTSD since you didn't know what the kid had truly been through.

Now you see it's much worse than you could have imagined.

So now your in on the madness.

The next place the kids go is the pool.

Shocker, he's there.

"Its too hot outside to be wearing a long sleeve," is your contribution to their debate on whether or not Billy seems like Billy right now.

"True, but light color cloths make it a bit cooler."

Also true.

None of you could see from this distance, that Billy us sweating buckets right now.

But at least the sun isn't hitting him directly, so he skin won't burn and give him another lesion.

The boys are talking about their plan, but your too lost I thought watching Billy to notice them leave you, Max, and Eleven behind.

It was odd to think that this person you were watching wasn't really Billy. He looked like Billy, but he didn't act or think like him.

When the boys come back then fill you in on the plan.

For the most part you're just hiding with Max, but you will come in handy if the real Billy is still in there somewhere.

You show yourself alongside Max.

Billy pauses for a second, like his mind is trying to comprehend that you're a part of this.

"Why?" He actually looks vulnerable and his voice sounds broken, till it slowly contorts into a look of anger and he starts banging o the door.

Your a little unnerved.

And your having flashbacks from back in High School when you and Billy still didn't get along.

He doesn't understand why this is happening to him.

Everything was going great.

He had a job.

He was working on getting out of his father's house.

And he actually felt like he had someone he could trust.

Then you had to go and do this to him.

That's when it occured to him.

He's been treating you like shit these past few days.

And he's done terrible things

Maybe he deserves this.

That's when he screams in frustration, anger, and sadness, before he starts sobbing.

"Its not my fault...."

"Please."

"I'm sorry."

"I didn't mean to."

He's pleading to you and Max with a broken voice and a broken spirit.

For once Billy looks the way he's always felt on the inside.

Desperate, alone, and afraid.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you."

"It's not my fault, I promise you."

You're the first to approach the door, and Max follows right behind you as she begins to question Billy.

"He made me do it."

When Max questioned him about who "he" was and what "he" made him do, Billy seemed to retreat into himself more.

The sight broke your heart.

After high school, Billy seemed better, and after he started slowly getting away from his father he actually seemed more confident- and not that fake ass peacocking he didn't in school either, like actual confidence.

But now he was fighting something he couldn't get away from.

He slowly lays down on the floor and continues to beg and plead.

He can't even say what he's done.

You almost open the door, till Mike and Eleven stop you.

Your almost on the verge of tears.

"He's my friend....."

"That's not Billy," Mike says sternly.

"He's hurt," you're trying to get them to let you open the door.

But you stop when Will tells you he can feel "him."

Mike backs of first and tells you and Max to get away from the door.

You're confused at first, but you see Billy just as he comes for the window with the piece of tile.

You push yourself away from the door, and take Max with you, saving her from being hurt by the thing posing as her bother.

When Billy manages to get out and starts hurting the kids, you call out to him.

He stops to look at you and you can see the real Billy in his eyes and in his lip that quivers slightly at the edges.

When El starts throwing him around the room all you and Max can do is hold eachother.

Billy had changed, and you all had gotten so close, and now you have to watch someone you have come to love get hurt.

It breaks your heart to see how desperately he wants to fight this thing. He's always tense, like he's trying to hold his body back, and the tear that trails down his face tells you that again, he's so sorry for what he's doing right now.

You're relieved when he runs off because it means that he can't hurt the kids, and they can't hurt him anymore.

Max is glad she at least has you with her.

Sure she has Lucas, but her friends never really liked Billy, so they don't understand why she cares so much.

You go to the hospital with the kids when Nancy and Jonathan take them along.

You pose as Mrs. Driscoll's grandchild as well.

It was terrifying seeing a pile of gore come to life and chase your friends down.

After you all got back to Eleven's house, you can't stop pacing up and down, and you're just making Max more on edge.

I mean who could blame you though.

Those guys at the hospital who turned to mush were under that monsters control, so what was keeping it from doing the same thing to Billy?

What if he dies a horrible painful death? And you can't be there with him?

Max tries to reassure you that everything will be alright.

After all, they've beaten this thing before.

Though it does sound more like she's trying to convince herself more than she is trying to convince you.

You sit down when Max and Mike get into an argument about Eleven. Honestly, after the night you've had, you've just realized how physically, emotionally, and mentally drained you are. You didn't even think you've slept in almost 24 hours - the kids came to your house, you went with them to the pool, you watched Billy till the end of the day when his shift ended, trapt him in the sauna (mind you it was already dark when the Sauna Test went down), craziness happened, went to Eleven's place so she could find Hopper and they could fill him in on what's going on (because apparently the Sharif is in on this madness too), and that's when Nancy and Jonathan arrived with their information on Mrs. Driscoll, and now your here.

Maybe it's been a little more than 24 hours... Perhaps you should lay down...

Meanwhile, Billy is off doing God knows what.

He's trapt in his own mind - completely aware of what's happening but he's unable to do anything about it.

This monster has taken control of him from the inside and the first few days it at least seemed like he had some semblance of control - like he was driving and the monster was sitting in the back seat telling him what to do. Of course at that point he didn't have to listen, but then it started showing him things. It migrated to shotgun and started messing with the steering wheel.

Now it just feels like it's in the driver's seat, but he's bound and gagged in the back passenger seat where he can at least see everything.

It was hard hurting those kids. He had promised Max he would never hurt her friends again, and honestly, because of you he and his little sister had grown closer, and he's actually been relatively happy. He had just been starting to think that maybe, just maybe, Hawkins wasn't so bad and he could stay.

Then shit hit the fan.

He had never seen you so afraid of him in the time he has known you. Not even when you both didn't get along in high school. Back then, you had more of a rebellious fire in your eyes, and no matter what he did to try and snuff it- to make you afraid of him, it only seemed to feed the fire. But back in the sauna...you looked petrified, unsure, on edge, afraid.

Ironic how now that he desperately wants to protect you and Max, you're both can't trust him.

Why is he like this?

Why does he always screw things up?

His mom left him.

His dad hates him.

He was a fuck up all throughout school.

He had shitty friends who, let's be honest, weren't really even his friends.

He hurt- maybe even indirectly killed his coworker.

He almost killed Karen. Oh God, Mrs. Wheeler. He regrets trying to get her to meet him at the hotel. He doesn't even have feelings for her - he just thought she was hot and wanted to get laid, and by an older woman at that. In fact, he had been on his way to meet her when he was attacked.

And now he's probably lost you and Max.

He feels utterly and terribly alone.

When you wake up, it's to the sound of El screaming. She's freaking out because of the vision she just had of talking to Billy.

The conversation about what she just saw was very sobering. You are wide awake now that the possibility of death looms over you, and the sound of screeching from the approaching monster in the distance doesn't help.

It found you.

You all get the house ready - shut the windows, close the blinds, block off possible openings and stand back to back.

You would feel much safer in a basement.

When it comes through the windows, you help Jonathan fight it off to the best of your ability, but you both end up getting thrown around the room.

Thank whatever supernatural being put El on this earth, because you all would have died without her.

Fast forward to you all going to Starcourt Mall

You help Eleven walk because she's injured, and since Steve isn't here, you're mom now.

Apparently everyone was somehow already on to fishy stuff happening? But what do Russians have to do with anything?

You're so worried about El, that bite looks bad. Like, infected bad, but it can't have been more than an hour or two since she got it, so it can't have progressed that quick.

You know something isn't right.

And you are proven correct when you see something wriggling around in the wound.

Props to El, for being so strong when Johnathan tried to remove that nasty thing, and then removing it herself.

They would have had to knock you the fuck out first if that were you- all the nope.

You all know what happens.

Part 8 will hopefully be the end. Idk we'll see, maybe I will get carried away and make it too long and then their will be 9 lol.

Like I did with this imagine. It was only supposed to be one part, but here we are going on 8.

I apologize for this part following season 3 so closely. As you all can tell I like to at least try and make my own content so it doesn't just feel like you're reading the show, and I think my struggles reflect on this part a bit. I have seen season 3 at least 4 times now because I was trying to find a way do this without just basically rewriting the season with the reader patched into it, but it was either this, have the reader just kinda loose contact with Billy and then find out he's "dead" (my denial is showing), or have reader become one of the flayed (let's be honest, not much would probably go on there). Plus this option has the most angst I feel.

Hope y'all are ready for the angst in the next part.

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