How do I get others to understand I'm not trans because I enjoy extensive femininity. I'm not trans because I absolutely abhor masculinity (I mean, don't get me wrong, not a fan of it, but its just a part of life, know what I mean?). I'm not trans because I need to feel special or have special treatment. I'm not trans because I think I'll look better as a girl. I'm not trans because I'm bi. I'm trans... because when I look deep inside and I think of myself as a man I feel like dying, and when I think of myself as a woman I feel like life is worth living. I'm trans because I'm more comfortable thinking of myself and being seen as a girl. I'm trans because I feel more at home in the "roles" women exist in on this world. I'm trans because I do prefer femininity to masculinity, even if I'm not extreme in that preference. I'm trans because I feel at home when I can be a woman. I'm trans because I want to live a life worth living, and for me, that means being who I want to be; and who I want to be is Madison.

I ended my relationship today and I'm very sad. Being in my first healthy relationship where it wasn't actually horrible is a hard one to navigate, makes you question "why do you want to leave" & "is it really that bad". They can be a good person but just not the right one. And that is OK. That is enough.

Don’t mind me I’m having a wobble so doing so below the cut so people aren’t forced to read it.

I’m feeling a bit… underwhelmed again…

I was gonna post an update today but my last update got like zero response so I’m feeling really deflated.

I mean I know I’ve finished writing the story and everything but It’s been so long when any chapter of my stories has had zero response that it’s literally kicked my desire to post and share stuff to nothing.

I want to write but I don’t want to share it if that makes sense…

Like are people getting bored? Is that it?

My asks have slowly died down and I only get them when I ask you guys about my stories… like are people just not interested anymore…?

I see all the asks and stuff other really fucking talented writers are getting and it makes me feel left out. It’s stupid I know because I fucking love these people and their writing and it always makes me smile but it makes me remember when I used to get all that and it’s just… stopped.

It’s feeling a bit like it did weeks ago when I was starting to get deflated and uninspired and just feeling generally a bit MEH about all of this… like I can see that downward spiral…

works insane at the moment again so it’s making me question if it’s worth the effort…

Like I’m loving writing and I’m really excited about these stories and ideas but I’m just feeling… god I don’t even know…

Out of sorts I guess is the best way… I want to write but I don’t want to at the same time. I’ve got ideas and stories and I’ve been writing all day today and as I’ve been writing I’ve felt progressively worse though I LOVE the content I’ve written…

I guess I’m just all over the place today.

Don’t mind me.

Okay, I love my book. You guys know that, right? It's a very good book. Look at all my sticky notes

I love this book, but if there is one thing about it that drives me up the f***ing wall, it's the spelling. Now, I realize that not only is Chinese not optimized for the English alphabet, but there are several dialects and regional spellings of names of gods that complicate matters.

HOWEVER.

When you are writing a book, especially one for educational purposes, you want your readers to understand who you are talking about at any given time. So why the f*** am I seeing Fuxi referred to as "Fu Hsi" and "Fu Hi" ON THE SAME PAGE? At the VERY least, there should be an appendix which lists all the figures mentioned as well as their various titles so that a reader can look and figure out who you're talking about without having to do outside research or think you made a typo.

I don't know. I'm not exactly a scholar of the Chinese language nor do I claim to be, so maybe I'm the asshole here, but it gets confusing when I can't figure out if I already know the guy you're talking about or not. I just really needed to rant about this.

Love you, Dave!❤️

when come to the internet to look for solutions about how to get over my ex, i usually get responses like "you don't need someone else to make you happy" or "it's okay to just love yourself and focus on you" and for some reason it just doesn't work.

i can't make myself believe that without them i can be happy like that again.

the moments i had with them are my best so far- my clearest memory is being in their arms, and feeling loved and safe by someone i respected and admired. i shit you not that is my happiest memory right now.

i can't help feeling like i'm hopeless and lost without someone there to love me and tell me that i'm a person worth being loved. but everything that people say to me is about learning to love yourself just.. feels empty to me.

i just feel really lonely and i don't know how to make it stop

"I can still feel the weight of her"

A speedpaint video of this will be available at my Patreon on may 1st!

help wanted 2 brainwashed me so here's some ooc self-indulgence:

hey mike, maybe if you played moon's games and took a nap, it wouldn't chase you around the building, just a thought

later:

a friend of mine once said "whenever male privilege is brought up about trans men it's always about two points: being paid more and having our ideas listened to, bc those are the easiest things they can create an elaborate what-if scenario around and they can't make an argument for anything else". failproof, glad to see it holds strong

Your friend was so incredibly right and it's really funny because those are also the two most surface level social aspects of Male Privilege as a concept and it makes sense why those specific two come up.

This isn't a fully formed thought, so bear with me for a moment but, it makes sense total sense that trans people who - as a class - are usually economically disadvantaged and left unlistened to, see a demographic (trans men) transition towards a social role that they have been taught from birth is economically safe and provides a platform and they just assume that the economic security and platform must be granted by virtue of identifying with that role.

That isn't the case though because oppressive systems don't give a shit about your personal identity, they care about the labels they place onto you and those labels often misalign with your actual character and identity.

It's people explicitly buying into and believing that the patriarchal ideal of manhood is actually attainable for marginalized men when it's not. It's a cotton ceiling. It's literally radfem "gender and sex is universal and economic status, race, sexuality, and any other marginalizations don't matter because we're talking about gender" type politics that completely fall apart even farther because we are explicitly talking about a marginalized gender minority when we talk about trans men.

Like - there's a lot of reasons why those arguments don't hold up but even just on a base level it misunderands Male Privilege as like... A boon, rather than the horrific workings of centuries of Colonialist, White Supremacist gender hierarchies in practice.

If Male Privilege is treated as though it was a trait inherently afforded to men inherently by virtue of their personal identity, without acknowledging the fact that Patriarchy is a gendered tool of subjugation empowered by White Supremacy - people don't have to confront the racialized, colonialist nature of the gender binary. They don't have to confront the reality that Black Feminists have been arguing in favor of for decades that the liberation of women, especially marginalized women, cannot come without the liberation of the men in their communities because gendered liberation is racial liberation is disability liberation is economic liberation etc. etc. etc.

If it can be asserted that trans men have systemic male privilege then uncomfortable realities about the nature of the system itself don't actually have to be confronted and that's convenient for a lot of people who aren't actually genuinely interested in liberation and are only working in their own self interest.

Everyone always asks why someone would end it all. Why they would take that jump into an endless fall. But no one ever seems to understand, We don't jump because of what's around us. We jump from what we can't run away from, We jump to escape the one thing we could never avoid, The one thing no one else can hope to understand. We jump because we're trying to help. We do it, simply, Because we think the world would be better without us. We jump into oblivion. Not to escape around us, We jump because we can't stand ourselves, And it's impossible to imagine, That anyone, could care for us, If we ourselves can't. That's all we want, To make a difference. And since we can't, We take the only available route, We make sure others can, We make sure that we aren't a hindrance.

I used to be one of those guys when I first joined the Kirby fandom, but everytime I hear a discussion of the series writing that starts with "So the Lore is InSaNe-" and not like, "Kirby has a fun writing style that takes advantage of its cute exterior to tell cool stories that reward player's curiosity and leave lots of room for imagination-" I cringe so goddamn hard.

I kinda just hate that people approach things that encourage investment when they don't expect it as inherently absurd. Like it is fun to joke about how absurd Kirby lore can be, but it really often comes with an air of disrespect or exhaustion rather than like, appreciation that these games are made by people who want to tell interesting stories when they could easily make as much money just making polished enough fluffy kiddy platformers. And when it's not met with exhaustion, it's met with - like I said before - that tone that it's stupid for a series like this TO have devs who care about writing stuff for it. Which is a whole other thing about people not respecting things made to appeal to kiddie aesthetic or tone.

Maybe the state of low-stakes YouTube video essays just blows cause people play up ignorance and disbelief for engagement, but like I STG I hear people use this tone for like actual narrative based games sometimes. Some people don't like... appreciate when a game is made by people who care a shitton in ways that aren't direct gameplay feedback. And they especially don't appreciate it when it comes from something with any sense of tonal dissonance intentional or not.

Anyways, I love games made by insane people. I love games made by teams who feel like they wanna make something work or say something so bad. I love that energy, especially when invested into something that could easily rest on its laurels or which obviously won't be taken seriously. I love this in a lot of classic campy 2000s games, I love this in insanely niche yet passionate fanworks, and I love it in the Kirby series and its writing. Can we please stop talking about it like it's an annoyance or complete joke?

Fuck it, We Ball.

reminding myself on this busy morning that i also have dreams of taking piano lessons & singing lessons & also honing my writing skills & absorbing as many books as i used to when i was a kid & at the very least taking up cute tennis dates & dabbling into art & just becoming an artistic generalist. also reminding myself that there are pre-meds out there who managed to pursue something they’re passionate in (some are even professional athletes) & still excelled in medicine & if they can do it so can I

Viktor as I imagine him sometime between act 1 & 2 ⚙️

At this point, gender nonconformity is about what the person says their experience is.

If a woman with a beard or a man with lipstick and a mustache says they're gender nonconforming, then they are! If a woman with short hair or a man with long hair says they aren't, they aren't! And that's not even getting into the awesome nonbinary, abinary, genderqueer, intersex, and general genderfuckery that may both be and not be conforming.

So much of what is even considered gender conforming or gender nonconforming is based on a world of exclusion. When we start defining one's conformity with whether they fit into white cishetero perisex standards or not, we play into the idea that there's only a very narrow window of what is considered worthy of time and thought.

hyunjin on bubble: im drawing and i started wondering why i even draw. so i can’t sleep.. staying in that period of transition. the reason why i keep asking these questions and trying to find answers is, i think it’s because i believe that it’s only those who love me, that can help me find an answer or a path. because thinking about and questioning things that you don’t really need to think about and answering those questions is contradicting in itself.. is what i think? (translation source)