i cannot believe when i finally sit down n focus on a particular franchise squenix drops the ff7 rebirth demo and now my entire brain is sephiroth again

Fic Recs

I'll admit I've been slacking. A lot. It was a high anxiety summer as you know, and I've finally been able to pretty much cut ties with an abusive friend who was causing a LOT of those anxiety and panic attacks. BUT I want to rec some of my fav writers and fav stories.

To keep the presure low on myself I am only linking ONE story per writer, whatever story that speaks to me. I do hope if you like the story you'll check out more from them!

Please remember to reblog their stories if you read them, and if you feel inclinded, leave a kind comment! Big comments are fantastic but even a short "Great story!" Means the world!

Dead Dove Do Not Eat and all dark fics will be in red. Might make a whole other dddne tag list on my dark blog on of these days lmfao

Moon Knight

Fractured Moon by @melodygatesauthor : DDDNE Yandere Moon boys x reader, non con, extreme violence but such good interpretations of the boys

Friendly Favors by @runa-falls best friend steven, friends with benefits??? friends to lovers??? yes plzzz

Rydal Keener

Oxford Comma by @whatthefishh : Collage AU, Rydall is cunty, serves cunt, and eats cunt. What can I say.

TLOU (Most of what I'm reading rn if im being honest)

Linger On by @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin : Pre-outbreak!Joel, angst, yummy smut, ft. my boyfriend, Tommy (Angela said I can be Tommy's gf)

Caught by @toxicanonymity : Inspired Keep Cry'n, Joel catches you when you try to run, masterbates onto your face. part 2 has TOMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Maintainence Man series by @gracieispunk : Joel is a, well, Maintenace man in our building! He is married but that doesn't stop him from fucking you

Hungry Hearts @atinylittlepain : If ya'll know me, you know I love Bruce Springsteen. I have 2 fics named after springsteen songs, one joel one javi/santi/reader. I've fallen behind on the series but loved it enough to make fan art! terrible fan art but still! Pre-outbreak, takes place in two timelines- college age and then the 2000'. Joel has Sarah, reader is ellies mom which I think is fun.

Exit Wounds by @strang3lov3 : No fic masterlist so I tagged the main masterlist. Now listen. I love Tommy Y'all know I love tommy... but cheating on tommy? Im so sorry baby. But ur also an asshole lol. Had it coming.

Creep by @theywhowriteandknowthings : I- ugh just read it. darkish but nothing insane like the wrong way lmfao. pretty mild comparatively but use discression but THAT TWISTTTTTTTT

Only Daddy That'll Walk the Line by @millerscoffee Yellow istead of red bc its not like. dark but Joel's pretty mean

Not A Survialist Girl by @tightjeansjavi again yellow bc joel's a dick lol but THE DIRTY TALK?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Miguel O'Hara

Halo by @missdictatorme : Miguel O'Hara goes full Nathan Bateman and fucks his ai. Whore.

Only You Only Me by @astroboots : so im behind on this one too. What about it! Im terrible I know but like Hungry Hearts above I may be a slow reader but I didn't forget and also did stupid fan art of this great fic too. lol. Anyway plz read this, I cant give a great summary bc im only a few chapters in but if youre in the oscar fandon you know cici writes only bangers

No One But Me by @koshkamartell : You try to break things off with Joel and begin spending time with the hot librrian in Jackson. Joel does not like thi

Triple Frontier

Under Neon Lights by @campingwiththecharmings : sexy drunk sex with my baby boi, santi <3

Through the Scope by @ssuperficialspacecadett : Reader works for Benny and falls for frankie. Great relationships with all the boys, reader has sexual trauma so you knoooooooow i eat these fics up!!!! lovely to see all them be appriciated with special focus on FRANKIE my precious lol guy

Shared Breathes by @frenchiereading : DAD FRANKIE x teacher reader. Triple frontier may have forgotten Frankie has a baby (he deserved the money for her) BUT WE DID NOT!!!!!

The Story of Us by @pimosworld : You served in the military with the boys but they made a deal not to sleep with you. Years later after helping you escape abuse, one by one they begin to waver aka you fuck them all. FishBen as a bonus!!

Goddamn have I really only been reading TLOU XD lmfao makes sense bc thats mostly what Im writing. That and the Javier pena x reader x santi and then the will fic but im soooooooooo much of a TLOU whore rn its insane.

Im sure ill remeber some more amazing TF fics soon but for now here we are!

Gonna plug real quick my latest one shot tho bc it's a holiday and I can self promo if I want! Shana Tova, moon boys x non jewish!reader where the moon boys share a part of their jewish identity with you!

THANK YOU TO ALL WRITERS FOR YOUR HARD WORK, I APPRICIATE YOU!

If you ever seen my like and not reblog know its just bc I forgot and im sorry. If you ever tagged me in a tag game and i never responded its bc I forgot and again IM SORRY

If I didnt tag anyone and you think i didt think your fic was worthy THATS NOT IT im simply overwhelmed with how much ive read and how this summer was and i just havnt organized it all. Im sorry!!

Are the lines on your drawings stylistic choices or are they measurement/guiding lines? Either way, they are cool, but just wondered. I dont understand drawing at all, might as well be a magic spell to me. I was looking at the pencil (?) sketch of Malkin with the cheesecutter hat on.

i, uh, definitely did not google 'cheesecutter hat' until after i saved out these images. :/ sorry about that. if you'd like the other one broken down, i can do that too lol. my reading comprehension when im tired is kinda lazy i just saw 'cheese' and imediately thought 'omelette'. SO here's the 1) initial sketch, 2) 'clean' sketch, and 3) final lines for the omelette boy drawing instead:

also i have had a cumulative of about 9 ish hrs of sleep total for the past two days so keep that in mind for if this explanation makes no sense, its not my fault. :( anyway! the way i draw definitely has changed over the years but currently im really trying to focus on the line i "see" rather than the one that is actually "there". i've been applying this to my writing for years (story vs happening truth) and you know it never occurred to me that i could do it in my drawings too till like...a few years ago. in general these lines seem to form the planes of the subject. if you google 'stanford bunny' you can find an easy example of a 3D surface turned into triangles. I do this too - see things in relative triangle proportions, except i've been doing it long before i knew how computers worked. i cant begin to tell you how long d*sney and cartooning's obsession with round building blocks of anatomical structure fucked with my brain until i finally decided i could cast that teaching aside completely.

ANYWAY sorry off subject again. so we have these sketchy under lines, and usually as im trying to find the proportions and form of the subject these lines end up being where the light/shadow hits. here i saved out the 1) 'flat colors', 2) the 'light', and 3) the 'shadow' parts on their own (i lightened the background for the 'shadow' so its easier to see):

the light is like four or five 'overlay' layers of pale yellow/orange. you can see how each of these layers follow one of those sketchy lines i did initially. and the same with the shadow but instead its a dark red color set to 'multiply' for each layer. and when you combine everything together you get:

some bullshit :). anyway you know that anniversary edition of beauty and the beast that featured the version previewed to nyc audiences in 1990 with the glen ke*ne sketchy keyframe animation of the beast's transformation? i watched that - must have been sometime after i graduated college - and i felt robbed that THAT version was never presented as a final piece. the 'unclean' drawings had so much more life and movement and intensity to them. tldr i like the messy lines, i hate 'inking' with a passion (HATE. IT.), and when i finally allowed myself to stop giving a fuck drawing became way more interesting. but my art is shit and i will never be glen k*ane so i dont really feel like the best advocate for this "style". alas. there was this one artist on tumblr who i fucking loved whose sketches were SPECTACULAR but the asshole racists in the m*c*ha*nz*o fandom bullied her off tumblr and ive never been able to find her art anywhere else since. she was also very negative about her 'unclean' sketches and it made me so sad. there was also this other artist whose sketches were awe inspiring but all she drew was p*rn and well...we all know what happened on tumblr in december 2018.

also i 100% stole the lighting scheme from The Bear which is currently one of the most gorgeous shows on television right now in my opinion

im really really sorry if this makes no sense, if im feeling motivated maybe i'll try again when my brain is fully functioning but with the actual 'cheesecutter hat' doodle ^_^

get to know me

Thankyou so much to @cursed-mars-bars for tagging me in this!! I adore you and you have the best commentary analysis of friends with benefits ever!! I loved reading yours and I hope you like mine too 🫶🏻

Favourite colour (s):

my all time favourite colour is blue, but I like pink and green a lot too. blue takes the cake though, specifically this sunset blue colour

Currently reading:

basically i was reading books off that illegal website before it got shut down cause im super poor and now that its shut down i am gutted but i was reading The Divinci Code and a poem book called Mouthful of Forevers. the last fanfiction I read was @cb97percent ‘s Maniac’s collection, specifically Chan and Minho’s and oh my god they’re amazing, highly recommend.

my favourite series would have to be the bridge kingdom (totally underrated, if you like acotar/shatter me/cruel Prince you’ll love this)

Last Song:

My fave album rn is Searow’s new album and its absolutely beautiful i really recomend if you like tranquil music to give it a listen, my last kpop song i listened to was probably impurities by le sserafim because that song is a masterpiece and the best song to drive to

Here’s a link to my Spotify incase any of you want to see what I listen to hehe -> MY SPOTIFY ACCOUNT

Last Series:

im currently watching f4 thialand (it may or may not be because dew is in it and he is probably the finest man alive, but also win is an absolute gem) and im enjoying it so much. i watched meteor garden (the chinese version) years ago and i remembered loving it so i thought id give f4 thialand a try and its so good so far. its literally had me lolling so much i cba. the last series i finished watching was the new series of fate the winx saga (i grew up watching winx so it has a special place in my heart dont judge) BUT ITS BEEN FUCKING CANCELLED IM NOT OKAY i left a series of furious comments on the netflix page but alas no bueno. I also started watching extracurricular (kdrama) but I haven’t had time to finish it yet, as well as your name

Last Movie:

I WATCHED ‘BETTER DAYS (2019)’ LAST NIGHT I AM AN EMOTIONAL MESS I AM IN BITS WHAT THE FUCK WHY WAS IT THE BEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER WATCHED it has become my favourite for life and i dont even want to go to uni tpday so i can watch it again if anyone has watched it pls talk to me about it because i cant handle myself. Update: I’m currently watching spirited away while I write my uni assignment because it’s my comfort movie also I didn’t go to uni because I couldn’t be arsed 🫶🏻

Currently working on:

god so much ahhaha obviously begin again and friends with benefits are in the works, begin again is so close to being finished !! and friends with benefits is coming along nicely i love writing that story. i also started doing the fake texts and i (and you guys) love them sm so ill try and get all the members done this week but bear with me because i have an assignment due. i also have started two felix fics hhehrheheh but i sat down last night to write my ideas for the members down and i came up with some good ideas for seungmin and jeongin (i hardly see anyone write about them so i want to focus on making proper fics for them) so give me your thoughts as to what youd want to see after fwb and begin again are finished!!! 

Here’s some potential titles hehe no promises tho !!

-> Hit me with your best shot - Seungmin (college baseball seungmin x studious reader, frenemies to lovers)

-> From someone you know - Felix (good boy turned bad Felix x best friend reader)

-> Summer loving - Felix (childhood best friends to lovers, takes place over the course of one week - readers dad’s wedding)

-> Wherefore art thou Romeo? - Jeongin (theatre/music students Jeongin x theatre student reader, friends to lovers)

Im so ambitious hahahaha I just love coming up with ideas lol so let me know if any of these tickle your fancy

Thanks for reading!! Hope this helped you get to know me better

I’d like to tag @sstarryreads @gibbysupremeacyisreal @mal-lunar-28 and honestly anyone else who’d like to do this!! Don’t feel pressured to answer the tag, this is all just for fun 🫶🏻

real talk, i think the duffers are so distant from being poor rn that they lost sight of how to write jonathan. they write joyce in ways that make minimal reference to being poor, mostly focus on her not being believed and protecting her children, and when they write Will they focus on his supernatural plot, the trauma and sexuality, but jonathan's character is very much defined by having to father his brother, help his mother and make concessions his whole life because he is poor, they don't know what to do with him because he is very much linked to his financial situation. He can't go to the college he wants, he can't have his own car, he can be available all the time like the other characters because he would be working or making breaksfast or fixing the house, he finally made a friend in Argyle in s4!!! took him years to make a friend, before that his only friend was Will! And they can't seem to properly link him and his family in the plot anymore.

not to mention the parental abuse he suffered that the duffers barely mention, if they even remember, they just know he cant use guns so instead of having his character make a personal choice on how to protect himself without a gun, they just keep him away from anything dangerous or put people with guns around him.

His most defining trait, the love for his family, is barely touched upon now because if anyone paid any attention to el or will before the season started the plot wouldn't happen like it should.

In this essay, I will

Hiiiiiii miss seeing u on my dash but life is wild and chaotic I get it. I’m having the worst work day/period day combined with how seasonally beautiful it is outside and having to stay inside to meet several deadlines.

Really losing my self imposed breaks to Levi and Eren brainrot and how they would be so pissed every time I deviated from my work plan... literally using one of their gorgeous selves and a pretty cock as a end of the workday reward oof. I AM DONE that was kind of a request but not really 🙄

hey baby, hope you’re feeling better 😥 take some tylenol and get the heating pad , and yes but spring break is saving my life rn so i’m finally able to talk to you guys again.

i got you w your request ... love me sum brainrot.

both include : smut.

levi ackerman x reader -

[ drabble ]

includes : praising, smut, college au.

“stop being so stressed, you’re even driving me nuts.” groaning, you drop your head into the bend of your elbow, whining. there was absolutely no way you’d be able to get this paper done tonight.

on top of that, you had levi on your bed, lounging as you struggled to get back into the flow of working. the distraction of both him and the tv veering your distraction away from the thesis you had due in three more hours. “help me, please.” you beg, eyelashes batting, he rolls his eyes, getting off the bed and slowly walking towards you and your laptop.

he crosses his arms. “dont let me be a distraction, you want me to leave?” he looks over your shoulder, seeing the work you were doing... or lack there of.

“no, you don’t have to leave.”

“then focus,” he orders, you rub you’re forehead dramatically before gaining the motivation to start typing.

an hour goes by, the room is silent besides your occasional swearing at the screen and your frantic fingers dancing on the keys, knocking paragraph by paragraph out of the way as you’re now half-assing the whole thing.

levi stands behind your shoulder, his strong hands occasionally rubbing the tense muscles that hold up your head, his palms rubbing into your upper back to help you get through the treacherous assignment. “see? you’re doing a good job,” he hums, “you’re almost done.” he brings his hands down your arms, praising you as he’s proud of your work, the word count growing as you near completion.

you’re nerves are nearly flushed out of your body when levi massages your tense muscles, he’s so pleased how much you’ve written in the span of only an hour.

he’s so proud of you, he knows he has to show you just how good of a job you’ve done.

turning the paper in, you’re instantly met with lips pressed gently to the side of your neck, rolling your head back in your chair, he makes his way towards your lips, kissing up your jawline, he pulls away and leads you to your feet and pushes you towards the bed.

levi knows he needs to relieve you of your stress, and his cock is the perfect resolution.

“you did such a good job,” he praises, your eyes rolling to the back of your head, unable to speak from his cock fucking you dizzy.

his hips bucking against you, his hair falling down the sides of his face as he stuffs you full. you suppress your screams with his mouth, moaning against his tongue as he hits every single nerve imbedded in your walls.

he tells you how smart you are as he fills you with his cum, you cream around him as he tells you how much you deserve his cock for doing such a good job on your paper.

eren jaeger x reader -

[ drabble ]

includes : smut, college au, literally no praise eren is here to distract you not help you pls.

scowling, you look directly at the snickering man, sitting beside you on his bed, “eren, go away, you’re not helping,” you’re distracted as his hand repeatedly finds its way back to your thigh.

“it’s you’re fault for not remembering to do your paper before you came over here.”

you push his shoulder jokingly, “get off the bed and let me write.” he leans back towards you, connecting to the side of your body, placing his head on your shoulder.

“it’s my bed, my rules, i’m not leaving.” he gently bites your neck, you swat him away and he snickers once more, but alas, he slides off the bed and strolls around his small dorm room.

your legs hang off the bed, laptop in your lap as eren makes his way before you again, but instead both hands are on your thighs as he’s slowly opening them, “eren,” you warn, he blinks at you innocently, like a dumb brat.

“just focus, i’m here to help.” he rubs his hands against the flesh of your thighs, your body tingling and burning as he teases you, “this’ll help you focus more, don’t cha’ think?” he eases the computer off your lap and onto the bed beside you.

“eren, let me focus.”

the devil in disguise has your shorts off and on the floor along with his pants, on your hands and knees with the laptop in front of your face, trying desperately to type as eren’s cock is deep in your guts, his hands on your hips as he rubs against all your sweet spots with his thick cock.

“write. i didn’t say stop.” he grits, applying a sharp slap against your ass- you instantly begin typing, typos every other word as eren fucks you stupid.

your head drops down on the keyboard, “c-cant focus,” you wail, eren making you write as he fucks you silly, and if you stop working, he makes sure to slap your ass- skin red and swollen with his handprints covering the tender skin each time you disobey him.

he loves to watch you struggle to write your paper, tears blocking your vision of the screen- you didn’t finish the paper that night.

Okay so, I don’t have time cause im in the middle of my linear algebra lecture, but I read your xiao fic about falling asleep on the train and— that was just so fucking cute- thank you for adding to my modern/college au xiao, I love him as a music major (or a dance major too tbh, imagine ballet dancer xiao- *deep breath* and it’s also canon that all he wants to do is dance to the sound of the flute in a field of flowers— my heart, who took it? xiao probably, but anyways) im sorry I always end up side tracked off— back to your xiao fic, I kinda sketched him out in class rn, so im sorry it’s all messy (his hair so ugly but we’re gonna ignore it) sksksks but xiao on da train just hits different, I just had to. Sorry to bother you again, hope you have a great day/night^^

-Hecate

OH MY GOD???,@,@,,@@*&$×&#,*$÷&=#&$ PH MY FUCKING GOD. OH MY GOD HECATE WAIT NO COME BACK??@?#$££÷*$$

i was gonna tell you to focus on your work BUT YOU CANT JUST DROP THIS AND THEN LEAVEDN?#*×*##&*$*÷&&= IS THAT A LIP PIERCIMG OHN MMHHHYBYNMFNDSHSBSHSBDNSJDNDNWUWHWGWBWISJSHHWENJWHWWHWHEGE IM LOSING MY MIND YOUR XIAO IS SO PRETTY THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU???@,@,@*#

DONT YOU EVER CALL YOUR ART UGLY OR I'LL KICK YOU /lh /j

YOU NEVER BOTHER ME! EVER!! BUR OH MY GOD THIS IS WHAT I'M GONNA PICTURE EVERY TIME I WRITE MODERN XIAO OH MY KNEES ARENT WORKINGHSHSNSD IM GOJNA PASS OUT

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu​

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji​ @qtsoobin​ @beomberry​ @txtdiaries​ and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame  but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: - 

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino 

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two 

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

37 for the fic writer questions!

Ask meme here

37. Talk about your current wips

This is great I was thinking of listing out everything im working on these days anyway n now i get an excuse. For quite a few of these I cant talk about them actually cuz they are event stuff but imma list em anyway.

(This got long so im putting it under keep reading)

Lets! Categorize!

A) Ready to post!

Here we have my ShinKami bb fic: No Escape (coming out tomorrow) and my DabiHawks bb fic: Red string of death (coming out sunday) - obvs cant say much until they are posted, lets just say that for shinkami we are gettin some horror and dabihawks gets double banger of soulmate au x reincarnation au but like angsty

B) Currently in editing

Pieces for: DabiHawks metamorphos zine, LOV found family zine and villain/vigilante deku zine - since they are zines i feel like its a big no no to talk about them so we goin down

C) Currently writing

A secret santa piece and a piece for todobaku bb - one of these is actually cute couple things and the other is be dumping magic and horror on to a shipping fic again i obviously have a thing for that the more i think about these

D) Currently planing

Shinsou bigbang! (Do NOT judge me for how many events im in) anyway im super looking forward to this i feel like i have such a great idea n mmm we arent even to partnering up yet so i zip

DabiHawks secret admierer au - something i can talk about :0. This was one of my pitches for the metamorphos au n i got attached. The basic premise is: no powers high school au, local bad boy band member Touya is pining hard after straight A good boy Keigo and in atempt to confess his feelings he leaves a love song in his locker. The problem? Dabi is super fucking edgy and so is his song and upon reading it Keigo is 100% Dabi wants him dead. Shennaniganse ensue. LOV is there giving Dabi increasingly bad love advice, Rumi is there mostly to laugh her ass of and then do dramatic reading of the song, im gonna write actual songs for it!!! Anyway just lil slice of life school comedy, im not always about horror and angst belive it or not. Im looking forward to this one it should be fun!

All the beautiful things we are (All the dangerous things we will become) - another chuuya gen fic!! This one featuring Kouyou (n maaaaaybe Kyouka) in some good ol sibling bonding. Set earlier then The suffocating quality of your dying breaths, its basically kouyou taking chuuya under her wing and some good sibling bonding that will probably feature some good ol exploration of gender expression and just kouyou wrestling a brat into a suit. I just want some good chuuya n kouyou n some decent chuuya experimenting with dressing up n darn it ill make it myself

There are a few more that are in my notes as possible ideas but these are the ones im sure ill write so i dont wanna promise anything i wont do

E) On hiatus

TodoBaku murder mystery - my original idea for the todobaku bb, i wanted to challenge myself n write something i never did before but then college slapped me n ye i went back into the comfort zone. I still wanna do this one someday, probably over summer. Basic concept: normal life au, Enji Todoroki is found dead in his bed and detective! Bakugo is on the scene trying to determin did any of the family members, gathered that night to celebrate their mother returning from a hospital, have anything to do with it while trying super hard not to fall for the one Todoroki that keeps sticking his nose where it doesnt belong. Featuring: literally everyone having a motive and Bakugo being done with the family drama, Dabi being in a gang and acting like he owns the place, and ice skater Shouto both too dumb and too smart for his own good. We will see does anything come of it.

Season of rain - omegaverse light fic where i, an asexual, look at a trope purely made for kink and go 'what if for me tho?'. I call it light cuz i wont be writing any sex but u know me its heavy on angst. Featuring: Deku squad as a ship, omega sho n izu, alpha uraraka n beta iida n tsuyu. Dealing with such topics as: postpartum depression, sexisam, fear of alphas, arranged marriges, pack dynamics, betas having an actual role and importance, maneging poly reletionships, me harping on about how ideal number of parents is actually more than two and that if there were three genders standard reletionships would be expected to be a x b x o not just a x o. Aka me putting way too much worldbuilding into a kink trope. Basic premise: seeing as shouto turned out to be an omega, instead of training him to be a hero enji signs him of to enter a quirk marrige when he gets older just like rei. Years later shouto has just gotten out of a divorce and with a whole baby in tow is taken in by dekusquad. Hurt comfort ensues as they slowly work shouto into their dynamic and make him feel safe and loved again. Honestly i just want to give this one more time n attention that i have rn so its waiting for summer

Ashes to ashes - a dabihawks (maybe) post war au fic that was supposed to focus on Dabi facing what he has done and who he has become and the almost imposible process of changing yourself for the better when you spent all your life chasing one thing, on one side and on the other; Hawks recovering fron trauma caused by almost being killed, dealing with his newly growing wings causing him pain and being afraid he'll never fly quite the same again and trying to find connections among other heroes just cuz i say he needs friends. Both of them are dealing with very mixed emotions about each other and they work through them seperatly and together, trying to set everything that happend into a perspective and figure out where to go from there. I havent decided do they actually get back together or not by the end of it all. I was planing this and then hori dumped dabis crazy ass on me n now im mostly waiting to see what he does with him so i know what to do with him in the end, smh hori making my life hard :/

Jujutsu anime is giving me emotional pain like god when it came out my brother watched it while i did college work n it was all 'no way, holy shit' n then he was like did u watch it n i was like im about to so he zipped n then i watched it and screamed 'this is only episode 4' at least three seperate times

So ye im enjoying it

At the very least i caught up with manga where anime is rn so slowly pecking at it ill get through it eventually

Also i might just like inumaki cuz as soon as he came on screen i was like ahhhh the writing potential. Idk shit about him but cuz if the way he speaks he seems prime time for exploring issues of human communication n problems with connecting with society n peers n i love that shit

We'll see is my gut feeling right when i get to know more about him

Like so far jujutsu hit me in fav department about the same as servamp n bnha did aka 'i love the characters but i dont have a fav fav'. Like gojo n fushiguro have the best chance cuz they fit profile of ms usual favs but honestly i love all 4 mains the same for now.

In both servamp n bnha i had this long period of 'i like them but i dont have a fav' before a support character came up n take my whole heart all at once, there that being tsurugi n hawks. So im wondering will it be the same here.

Lmao my heart literally only has the place for the True Fav, i cant even have first fav thats replaced later i just feel it missing even tho i do love all the characters so far

The anime really makes your heart stop right?

And it’s only going to get worse T-T Just wait until you meet Junpei!

Man, I love Jujutsu Kaisen so much! It breaks my heart with every new chapter but it’s just so fun to read!!

Currently my favourites are the main four admittedly but I love all of the characters so much (well I love to hate the villains which you’ll see why in due time :p). It’s just such a dynamic cast of characters and they all get focus at one point or another (another thing I love about the manga).

I’m both excited for the new episodes to come and scared because I know what’s going to happen and I know my heart is going to be ripped to shreds because of it T-T (Plus the animation is just astounding, they really went all out for JJK and you love to see it!)

another Rant™️

bro I really do not be able to focus and I've spammed like every social media site that people ik irl follow me on and like I cant stop?? I don't have actual friends to talk to and school feels like a constant fucking struggle and I'm not really engaging because no one gives a fuck about their education and its rubbing off on me and I want to learn but school is just fucking awful rn. like yeah im doing papers on topics that interest me,, Environmental Racism and micro dosing lsd for mental health patients. THAT SHIT IS COOL. but I cant be intrigued because hi deadlines, hi bills, hi need to do taxes, hi work, hi family obligations, hi chores, hi gay money, hi food, AND A BIG FUCK YOU TO MY DECLINING MENTAL HEALTH. bro climate change is gonna get us. corona virus is scaring toilet paper outta store. our election is scaring the shit outta me. my work is intense and cutting back workers, plus I almost work full time AND im a full time student. I need a new higher paying job too. like fuck and u want to draw out my writing process in the most fucked up way?? 

the education system is a joke. how were my ap high school teachers more fucking competent than my jc professors?? it infuriates me. like and that's not everything that I even deal with on a daily basis!! I just really hate everything right now and im tired of being treated like a “spoiled child who's mad because college is harder than high school” like no bitch. IM MAD BECAUSE THE WORLD IS FUCKED UP AND SOMEONE DECIDED THAT AT 18 I HAVE TO ENDURE THE FULL IMPACT OF IT AND SOMEHOW COPE AND THEN FIX IT. 

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

hiatus announcement

                 so... I hate to do it... but I think I’m gonna take a hiatus for a little while.

as classes have started again, it’s not abnormal for me to just.. disappear and go mia. but this a little bit different rn kind of... as I’m having severe issues regarding my dysphoria, regarding depression, regarding struggles and problems that I really don’t like talking to people about. I thought I was at the point of being over it, I was feeling better and okay. And now, here I am, it’s september, classes are hitting the 4th week in, and all I can think of is how in possibly a few years, I may lose contact with the only family member I care about anymore. Because I already know that my gender dysphoria is unacceptable to my parents. And I’m going to have to cut ties. And it’s something I think about a lot. And with all my stress and anger and frustration relating to my job, to school, you would think I could find ways to ignore it, to just... forget about it. but I can’t. The wound is still very fresh even though it’s almost been a year since they found out. And Some days its so hard to get out of bed and function like a normal person should. 

I want to drop out of college. Take a semester off idk. I can’t do that obviously. My life doesn’t have room for something like that. So, I have to keep trudging on and getting through it. There’s still those days that I just cant... and today, and yesterday, have been those kinds of days. Where all I can think about is what death is like. Or what it would have been like had I just been born normal. Either, as a guy, or with a brain that told me to tow the line like my family expects and be one of those fucking girly girls that they wanted so badly. And I hate it. I want to be myself. I want to be happy. That’s the biggest battle of all, the want to be happy. I grew up pretty unhappy. I’m the person who fakes a smile, who tells everyone that everything will be okay when in the back of my mind I don’t really know. I just. I don’t know if anything will ever be okay. I’m afraid of the future. Hell. I’m afraid of a lot of things. My biggest fear has always been to disappoint people though. I don’t like that feeling, and there’s a lot regarding my childhood & youthful years that relates to that feeling of wanting to make people proud. It’s become something akin to my duty, my job. I have to do it. I have to or I’m not good enough. So when I fail, there’s just that feeling of me, never being good enough. 

And being rejected by them, by my mother in specific... all I have felt is this sensation of failure and disappointment. Like I would be much better off dead than I would alive. Because to her I’m not Ryan, to her I will never be Ryan. Because to her, “I can’t biologically change what I am. Genetics say I’m a girl, so I’m a girl.” So to her, I am always going to be her ‘perfect little doll of a daughter’ that she dressed up, forced in beauty pageants, and all the other crazy bullshit mother’s do when they have a daughter and expect their daughter to be a girl. But I’m not a girl. I never was. And when I transition, I’m going to lose my father. Because he doesn’t talk about stuff like this--- we don’t communicate like that very well. Me and him have a similar style of handling things. We keep it to ourselves, we talk to no one, and we just move on. Because life isn’t worth the drama, he’s always told me that there’s no point in living if you can’t just be happy so he’s just always tried to be happy about everything. He tries to see the positives in life. But I’m afraid, like my mother, he won’t see the positives in me when I transition. 

I can’t describe the pain of having to lose your family. I don’t even think its a possible type of pain that anyone could really describe. Over the course of my life, I’ve had to numb myself to certain members of my family because they kept taking and taking until there was nothing more to take. I am unable to view one of my siblings as nothing more than a festering parasite who needs to disappear for what he’s done to my, my other brother, my mother, my father, my grandparents, my niece and my nephews. I can’t look at my mother without being reminded of all the things she’s done to me. I cannot even talk to her without being filled with anger because she has to start a fight over anything. everything. But my fucking dad? The only things he’s ever done wrong was work too much, and give in too easily. He’s the man I want to make proud. The only fucking one. and I’m terrified, that I may only have three more years of him in my life, because I will have to shut a door on them in order to find peace and happiness. Where I won’t have to fight for that right to have. whats worse is I’m afraid I won’t see him at all for these next three years, because I cannot bring myself to go visit them anymore after last thanksgiving. I’ve never felt so uncomfortable sitting with my parents. But hearing my mother tell me one moment, that she will accept me no matter what, and the next that I will always be female and that I have to accept that... is the most painful experience I’ve ever dealt with in my life. and because of that comment, all I have thought about for a year almost, is just how lovely it would be to stop feeling anything.

and thats not okay. so for my current mental health. im going to take a step back. im going to start therapy for the first time in 6.. 7 years? im going to talk to someone about being able to start T. and I’m going to find out for real, if I actually have PTSD with everything I’ve gone through. idk if people will care if i leave or if they’ll be happy when i return. that’s besides the point. the point is i need to focus on my mental health. so even though I just started up my multimuse blog recently, and that I love writing butch so fucking much like more than I can even describe despite how fucking slow I am, a big part of my problems and part of why i’m so slow... is my mental state. and it’s deteriorating again. 

to whoever read this... idk i guess, thanks? thank you for caring enough to read it. 

if you want to talk to me ooc, you can PM/IM me for my discord as I don’t hand it out publically. 

(TW I guess? I dont expect anyone to read this anyway so 🤷‍♀️ just in case anyone becomes concerned, I'm ok so dont lol.)

Ya know, I just need to get this off my chest and I'm doing it here bc no one irl knows me here, so rant time lol. I really hate my mind sometimes. Its hard for me to make decisions, and I have this mental complex where I feel like I have to 100% commit to something, speficially when it come to style or "atheistic", and if I don't I'm a "poser". No one has ever said this to me, so idk why my mind is telling me this. I get so frustrated with my self because I have days I want to be all edgy and whatever, but other days I want to be soft and cute. I want to cuddle (even tho I'm alone and quarantine isnt helping) and show off my plushies and wear pastels but then this voice in my head tells me I'm too big for that and that I spent so much time in middle and highschool purging pinks and pastels from my life that I'm just a big poser and lier if all of a sudden I change it up.

I also have other issues too. My mind isn't the same as I remember it being in grade school and after some research I legitimately believe I might have ADHD. If I do, and I don't wanna self diagnose here, it would explain alot of my behaviors and mental processes growing up, such as hyper-fixation on specific thing, talking too much, ect. (I'm also lowkey afraid of getting officially diagnosed, ik, it's stupid) But rn in my life, just a few months after a rather traumatic event happend, I can't focus for shit. Its effecting my school work (I'm in college) and I hate myself for it. I feel so... stupid. Like just focus, it's not that hard. And I do all the little things, I write things down and keep up pretty well with a planner, I try to set times and even play lofi study beats, lyrics distract me, and some times it works, other times it doesnt. I want to do it, I want to keep my grads up, I was always the "gifted" child, and I also have other things I want to do, but it's like I just physically cant.

(I also have gained some weight sence starting school which isnt helping my mental health rn but at the same time it's also not the most pressing matter to me rn, tho I do need to start eating better and taking better care of my body in general, tho at the same time the little voice in my head says "what's the point?". But like I said its not the most pressing matter rn.)

I want to do so many things, I want to paint and roller skate and write and read and actually do my school work so I can be the best in my career field and watch anime and listen to new music, sew, cook, bake, and all my other little hobbies(?), but I just feel like I physically cant. My room is a depression mess rn, and I feel like I'm stuck in my body. Like my mind is floating while body is weighed down. And its sucks because I feel so self aware but unable to do anything about it. Because at the same time I have another voice in my head that says I can dress the way I want, that I'm not "too big" nor am I stupid. That I still have my whole life ahead and I can do all the things I want to and I'll find love somewhere someday.

Parts of me are telling me to just hold on while other parts are asking what's the point, and I'm just so tired.

Tldr; i want a life i cant have yet and its making me a mess because thats all i think about and i dont care about anything else, and i tell am confisent when i get there i will care about other things. I need to take a step back and ask: wtf do I do?I'm 19, make $3-4k profits per month with an online business, and I have vivid goals for a life I dream of having. No lambos; for now its to save $650k to make around $3k returns a month for the rest of my life via my investment in a mutual fund. Only then do I feel I can spend real time on relationships, family, health, and overall wellbeing and enjoyment of life.I dislike my life now and all I think about is getting the life I want of finacial freedom in a warm place that isn't new york. Only then do I plan to focus on anything but reaching that goal. My main inspiration is the book The Millionaire Fastlane and Grant Cardone/the 10x rule.The dilemma comes to the fact that I do not enjoy work. I seperate it from pleasure. Work is for money which we do because we have to unless you actually care about it and not the moneyI've shrugged this feeling off, but its been over a year since being in business, finances, and the real world and I hate it all. I just currently cant see myself enjoying my life until the general concept of required work for survival is deleted from my life aka finsncial freedom.So my questions, now that weve established some background:How tf do I get amout of this cycle, firstly?Will I likely always be depressed with this mindset as I hear often from non successful people in my life?Will finacial freedom, allowing me to spend time all the time I can with family, master countless skills, get my dream girl (theres a science behind this Ive heard), explore spirituality, travel, and follow my real purpose, helping people selfessly ect. The things I actually enjoy -Should I just follow my purpose instead? Explore tirelessly to find the thing I love and then only that? Will tame this consuming mindset of fear and sadness, just to be content with following my purpose if I can find it which I have not yet? Should I take a break? I haven't taken a day off in months.Am I being selfish? And does it matter if I am? When Im making $3-5k a month for the rest of my life in my 20s, my belief for real is that I'll be there for everyone way more, as I wish i can now without fuilt of missed work time. -Should my goal be to learn to enjoy the journey and not the destination, however thats done? That would be so nice. To not really have goals. Thats just not realistic thoThis whole point of me writing this essay is that I feel that my current mindset of just suck it up, hold it in and move on might not be the smartest. I need answers and its been hard for me to live with these thoughts and unsecurity financially, even if I live with my parents. I hate that I cant support mywelf.Ive been crying everyday man its so unlike me.I've been doing gratefulness excersises and meditation yet I'm so fucking stressed and I'm only 19, I should be partying in college rn like my friends but no I stress about my future and how I currently hate life. Not to mention I have the easiest business in the world.I need help pls

92 Truths

I was tagged by @jollystyles 

Rules: Once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag! 

 THE LAST… 

1. Drink: Ice water 

2. Phone Call: My mom 

3. Text Message: my mom said “It’s about damn time” 

4. Song You Listened To: (im not sure because i cant tell, so ill just put in my most listened to song on itunes)  Focus - Ariana Grande

5. Time You Cried: Fuck if I know 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

6. Dated Someone Twice: No LOL 

7. Been Cheated On: Not yet 

8. Kissed Someone and Regretted It: Not yet 

9. Lost Someone Special: Not yet 

10. Been Depressed: Probably, idk 

11. Gotten Drunk and Thrown Up: Never gotten drunk 

 LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS… 

12. Most shades of pink 

13. Black 

14. Most shades of blue 

 IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… 

15. Made New Friends: Yes 

16. Fallen Out of Love: Sadly, no. No matter how hard I try 

17. Laughed Until You Cried: Yes 

18. Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: Yes 👀 

19. Met Someone Who Changed You: Yes 

20. Found Out Who Your True Friends Are: Yes 

21. Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: No 

22. How Many Of Your Facebook Friends Do You Know In Real Life: I have a lot of people from high school that I don't talk to anymore so idk 

 Do You Have Any Pets:

23. A ragdoll cat named Dude 

24. Do You Want To Change Your Name: No 

25. What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday: I think I went out to eat with my mom and my brother. I didn't do much of anything tbh. 

26. What Time Did You Wake Up: 9 i think?

27. What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night: Sleeping 

28. Name Something You Cannot Wait For: Seeing Harry next year omg 😍 

29. When Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mother: like 10 minutes ago 

 30. What Is One Thing You Wish You Could Change About Your Life: I wish I could like let go of crushes easier, cause I tend to just be a patient ass bitch and like wait out the time period between me liking them and finding out they like me? Like the longest is currently like 6 years and counting and I hate it cause I wish I could use that time to work on some shit idk 

31. What Are You Listening To Right Now: Im watching My Cat From Hell on my iPad lmao

32. Have You Ever Talked To A Person Named Tom: My dads step dad 

33. Something That Is Getting On Your Nerves: how cute Harry styles is 

34. Most Visited Website: Tumblr 

35. Elementary: I was bullied a lot so I tend to not like to really remember those days LOL

36. High School: It was fun while i was there, and I will DEFINITELY go back to visit, and I have. But I'm for sure only friends with very few people I knew in highschool 

37. College/University: So far so good 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

38. Hair Color: Brown, but i dye it Dark Brown cause i wanna

39. Long Or Short Hair: Long, but i want it longer tbh

40. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: Yes 

41. What Do You Like About Yourself: My ability to learn things quickly 

42. Piercings: Ears 

43. Blood Type: ??????its a mystery?

44. Nickname: Bay or B

45. Relationship Status: Single 

46. Zodiac Sign: Scorpio 

47. Pronouns: She/Her 

48. Favorite TV Shows: KKWTK, Shameless, That 70′s Show, etc. 

49. Tattoos: None yet

50. Right Or Left Hand: Right

51. Surgery: not that im aware of 

52. Piercing: Ears 

53. Sport: I used to do T-Ball, Soccer, and Gymnastics, but i was really little

54. Vacation: Maybe the ocean or some place with a beautiful landscape

55. Pair of Trainers: i have shitty ones that i bought for a week trip to disney land last year

57. Eating: nothing rn

58. Drinking: Water 

59. I’m About To: watch TV 

60. Listening To: My Cat From Hell on my iPad

61. Waiting For: My brother to get out of the bathtub so i can go pee lol

62. Want: a steady income lol

63. Get Married: I hope so 

64. Career: hopefully something with music, whether its making it, or recording it like behind the soundboard

YOUR TYPE… 

65. Hugs or Kisses: depends on the person lol 

66. Lips or Eyes: Eyes 

67. Shorter or Taller: Taller 

68. Older or Younger: I prefer older 

69. Nice Arms or Nice Stomach: ive always been an arms girl 

70. Sensitive or Loud: i can deal with either lol 

71. Hook Up or Relationship: Relationship 

72. Troublemaker or Hesitant: i guess it depends idk 

HAVE YOU EVER… 

74. Kissed A Stranger: nah lol

75. Drank Hard Liquor: Yes 

76. Lost Glasses/Contacts: Yes 

77. Turned Someone Down: Yes 

78. Sex On First Date: No 

79. Broken Someone’s Heart: idk probably

80. Had Your Heart Broken: lmao 

81. Been Arrested: No 

82. Cried When Someone Died: Yes 

83. Fallen For A Friend: you bet your sweet ass LOL

 DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 

84. Yourself: idk man

85. Miracles: Yes 

86. Love at First Sight: to a point 

87. Santa Claus: lowkey 

88. Kiss on the First Date: meh, it depends

89. Angels: Yes 

OTHER… 

90. Current Best Friend’s Name: i feel like picking best friends hurts feelings, but i have good friends and just friends, and i dont know if i could name them all LOL

91. Eye Color: Blue 

92. Favorite Movie: The Crow, The Lion King, Purple Rain, Captain EO

 I don’t have 25 people to tag but I am tagging @harryslittlekiwis @goldenstyles @harrycloseups @theartistformerlyknownasprince and whoever wants to do it cause fuck it why not?