#i have autism many people can’t even comprehend
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you think YOURE excited for jurassic world chaos theory? today, for the SECOND time this month, I had a dream where a short clip was teased (ben and darius trying to sneakily escape some kind of building with a dinosaur) and I got so excited that it woke me up and the first thing I did was reach for my phone because for about 10 seconds I convinced myself I was receiving a prophetic vision
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Hey, could I possibly get a how Dick Grayson and Bruce wayne would deal with having an adult 30 year old s/o who has autism, but the men don’t know about the autism until the men either figure it out themselves or date number 5 is when s/o tells them cuz they don’t just going around telling people about their autism. S/o at first masks themselves very well, but as you get to know them they have these quirks. Like s/o takes an intense interest in their men’s day or hobby or intensely helps out when they’re in trouble. Theyre excitedly talk to their men about their own interests. Gets stressed easily and can’t sleep until they’re not stressed. Finds it hard to understand new topics no matter how many times it is explained to them until it is explained in a way that isn’t normal, but once they understand it, they’re really good at it, except for the concept of being rich with all that money, still can’t wrap their head around how Bruce deals with all that money and all the meetings that go along with it. Finds it hard to express emotions unless it’s intensely happy or intensely hurt. Very blunt, like Batman says he works alone and date waits until other people are gone before saying “but you just worked with the police 10 minutes ago”
Batman and his family are all Autistic to varying degrees except Alfred who is the token nuerotypical, and I will die on this hill. Look at them and their behaviors and *tell me* they aren't autistic. I *dare* you.
GN reader
Content warning: none
Bruce, despite his himbo persona, he put on struggled with people and connecting to them. His family was an exception. He at times struggled with sarcasm and had some blunders but that was publicly chalked up to silly Brucie Wayne the himbo. His diagnosis was kept secret, being famous made that hard to accomplish, but he'd managed to keep it hidden; for him and his family.
Still he was surprised when he clicked so well with you. He found your blunt honesty charming, he appreciated the way you honestly cared about his day. It was nice to have someone outside the family who cared for him and not his fame or money. Though you didn't seem to comprehend how much money he had when you insisted on paying your part of the dates. If he snuck the money back on you somehow, well you'd never know. Spoiler alert you did but you appreciated the gesture.
Then on one of your dates you came clean; and how you clicked made sense! You guys both had autism. Sadly he couldn't tell you his own diagnosis yet. Forgive him for being so cautious, but he worried about the public opinion. Maybe he was a coward, but it was rooted in paranoia.
He knew there was nothing wrong with being autistic, he just also knew the bigots were a major issue and with his nightlife and CEO work he didn't really have time to deal with the bigots and media storm. But if you both lasted longer then a few months he'd tell you.
He supports you completely. Every hobby, Fandom, and hyperfixation he tries out with you. And even if he isn't a fan he happily listens to you talk about it finding the way you light up attractive.
You quickly become *his* person just as he became your's; a fact obvious to everyone.
Dick was the most functioning of the family. Everyone was functional but Dick was able to push through some things. Like the various sensory issues. He also was pretty good at reading social situations. Though he attributed that to his time with his Bio parents. It wasn't always easy for him, when he was younger he was much more prone to outbursts.
He maybe seen as the golden child now, but as far as Robins went *he* had been the one to give Bruce the most gray hairs. Though no one believes it when they hear it. That being said he is one of the few members of the family that is pretty open with his diagnoses. He wants to be a pillar for the autistic and adhd community in Gotham.
So when he met you, he pretty much pegged you as autistic. You had been in the area of hit and run, and as a witness, you had to give a statement. Being the friendliest of the force, he'd been chosen to talk to you. You were point blank and despite the situation you were calm and almost unbothered. Which he asked about and when you said you had trouble emoting he knew right away. He sends you off with his personal number incase you need help or remember something more.
From there, a friendship grew. That being said, this man was a mother hen. Always trying to help you with every little thing, including your sleep issues. He backs off some if you tell him it's too much, but he does explain it's how he shows he cares; and it's not because he doesn't think you can do things for yourself. He remembers the bitterness he felt when his cop coworkers found out about his autism when he first started, and they had both babied him and tried to get him off the force.
From friendship come a romance eventually. He was the one to make the first move. He made a meal for you both to share in his apartment. He picked a couple of movies, each a comfort film for both of you, and made the night special even if it was simple.
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okay. i know it’s a very bad idea to seek mental health advice from the internet, especially tumblr of all places, but i have a genuine question about this.
actually, before i get too far, i guess i should add some context about myself:
i’m fairly talkative in a certain sense. i like talking. if i start talking about something i like, or if i get excited while talking, i can talk a lot. when i’m alone, i tend to talk to myself a lot. just verbalizing thoughts, mostly; talking myself through a strategy, just voicing my thoughts as i play through a video game, or sometimes just babbling as though i’m talking to someone else. this is a frequent thing and not the root of my concern.
course, sometimes i talk a little less in public or in certain social situations if i’m not “invited” to speak too (more than just being spoken to first, but that’s another explanation i don’t want to go into right now), but i’ve always been like that; something, something, i know it’s more about social anxiety or something that i know i inherited and is a different discussion for a different day.
so, every now and then i have these days where, for lack of a better description, talking feels like it takes too much energy. even that doesn’t feel like it explains it properly but. like the same struggle to get out of bed on a rough day. like somehow speaking, the act of opening my mouth and forcing words out of my throat, takes too many spoons. the same way it feels like taking a shower or brushing your teeth has too many steps despite it being a simple process when your depression’s acting up (we’ll get back to this comparison in a minute).
i can tell when these days come on before i even have to speak to someone; it feels like my words are stuck in my throat. i mean that physically; there’s not actually something in my throat, but there’s a weight of some sort.
i’ve taken to calling these days “quiet days,” since this feeling affects just about everything associated with talking; making myself talk is a struggle; i can’t even talk to myself and all those monologues and discussions happen inside my head instead, but i can’t verbalize them; i don’t want people to talk to me on these days, as in there’s a deliberate, subconscious feeling already there on those days, not that i’m not wanting to talk because of the other feelings; actively listening to and comprehending things people say is also an effort to do, and i tend to tune out my music or whatever background noise i set for myself more than usual; i’ve recently discovered that this same feeling is applied to singing, much to my dismay, because i found this out on a day i kinda wanted to sing.
it’s not that i can’t speak on these days, i can physically make myself if i have to, it just takes more conscious effort sometimes than something like speaking should.
now, i used to chalk this up to being standard nonverbal bouts. i’d heard those were common among neurodivergents, and while i’m not officially diagnosed with anything (classic “everyone does that”/“that’s just something you got from me” type childhood), a lot of symptoms for both ADHD and autism (that i’ve heard of/looked into) match up pretty sharply with me.
however, no accounts from actually autistic people that i’ve read who go nonverbal at times really match up with my experiences. for me, it’s never a response to stress, anxiety, or overstimulation; it’s just something that happens on any given day and sometimes ebbs and flows throughout the day (as in sometimes it’s easier in some parts of the day, but not others, without any particular cue), and it’s never me going absolutely nonverbal, just a preference not to speak from it feeling like it’s too much to do sometimes.
remember that comparison i made to having to speak on “quiet days” feeling like trying to do basic things on bad depression days? yeah, i noticed on a day it hit that it felt very much like that, because i did feel it earlier that day; i found trying to make myself sing or even talk to myself out loud somehow felt like a process with too many steps and i didn’t have enough energy, just like trying to get out of bed that morning (to the point that i didn’t “get up” until that afternoon).
so, all that text and explanation leads to my one question: are these bouts and “quiet days” more from “going nonverbal” as a “symptom” of autism, or simply a symptom of my depression? or can it be chalked up to anything else at all? i’ve never seen or read anything about this on either side, and if it’s something from my depression, then that’s gonna make me take it much more seriously than i have been in the past. or like, is it just me and not anything at all?
any advice appreciated 🙏
#if this is from my depression all along i’m gonna scream but i need to know#because something like that’s really gonna push me to looking into getting it treated quicker#like antidepressants or therapy or something#because the idea of my depression being able to take away my ability/desire to TALK is honestly a terrifying concept to me#but i need to know; i’ve never heard of this being a symptom of depression but also doesn’t match many accounts of autistics going nonverba#actually it just being a me thing and not a thing i can attempt to fix might be worse#also hi mutuals who watched me put the pieces together earlier because i was pissed i couldn’t make myself sing 👋#grace being kinda serious for once#text post#personal#help#depression#autism#neurodivergence#going nonverbal#mental health#sorry i’m just adding every tag i can think of being somewhat related to this so i can get some answers from somewhere 😭
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watching community for the first time and every time abed is on screen i am filled with so much joy.
as an autistic person i so rarely see myself represented on screen. i knew about the background of abed’s character before, how he was written by dan harmon who found out he was autistic because of writing his character. but i didn’t expect to feel so seen.
usually i have to seek out autistic rep, like when i watched heartbreak high after seeing clips and analysis of their autistic character quinni (who was also amazing rep and made me feel seen). i have to seek it out so i know what to avoid, like the good doctor or pretty much any autistic character popular amongst allistics who think autism speaks is a good organization. so many characters i’ve seen lauded as good autistic rep have been hurtful, stereotypical, or just don’t represent my experiences, even if they are good representation. in a sitcom, especially from the era of community, i don’t expect to see good representation. i expect to see characters like sheldon cooper, who are autistic-coded in a way meant to mock autistic people and reinforce stereotypes, and who feel foreign to me.
but abed? holy shit, i was not expecting to almost cry about him when i first saw him. he is so clearly and unapologetically autistic in a way i wish i could be. he’s blunt, he doesn’t always get jokes, he’s awkward, and he’s so much like me. the way he observes others and picks up their mannerisms in ways allistics can’t comprehend is so relatable. the way he runs through different scenarios to learn how to act and react is exactly what i do before pretty much any social interaction. and the way he relates everything back to his special interests? i’ve never seen that side of autism represented on screen. i do that so much, and for so long i thought i was just rude or weird, when in fact i was just autistic and that’s how i relate to and understand the world. abed sees the world through his autism. it impacts every aspect of his character.
(also his special interest in inspector spacetime is literally me with my special interest in doctor who)
he’s also not the typical savant we see in media! i’m so tired of those depictions, since they make me feel like a failure. i failed most of my classes because of i’m autistic. i can’t handle all the homework or exams, and i can’t analyse things in a neurotypical way which often means allistics give me lower marks. but even though i’m not academically gifted, i’m still smart, and some of that is because i’m autistic. i’m really good at logical analysis, at music, and i know so much about my special interests. and it’s the same thing with abed! he’s not some academic genius who was a child prodigy and aces every class. but, like me and the other autistic people i know, he’s smart in other ways. he’s good at analysing people, at filmmaking, and is also super knowledgeable about his special interests. his value goes beyond his intelligence, unlike so many savant caricatures who are only used as human supercomputers.
i also love the way he interacts with the other characters. they’re all weird in their own way, and abed doesn’t stick out. sure, he’s awkward and sometimes says the wrong thing, but he’s not devalued for that. i don’t like how he’s sometimes mocked for autistic traits, but luckily it’s few and far between and not triggering like other media has been for me. the other characters also stand up for him, like jeff getting into a fight during the christmas ep in season one, instead of laughing along. he’s also not treated like some poor child in need of saving by the allistics. autistic people are so frequently infantilized, and most media only encourages that. they also directly challenge that notion in the show, with the other characters worrying about abed’s sex life only for it to be revealed that abed fucks.
his friendship (or romance) with troy is especially great. as an autistic person, i’m so tired of being expected to change so that people like me. because people do like me, autistic traits and all. a real friend, like troy, will listen to your infodumps. they’ll engage with your interests, and they’ll support you even when you have less socially acceptable traits, like a fear of change. they get to be super nerdy and weird and they don’t judge each other, because they’re being nerdy and weird together. like abed, i found it really hard to make friends, and i still only have a small group of friends, but i prefer it that way. the group wouldn’t be the same in his absence, because he brings value as a character.
i appreciate abed’s awkwardness, the way he doesn’t dampen his autistic traits for the comfort of others. he doesn’t have some “character growth” arc where he learns to be more allistic. his autism isn’t a character flaw, it’s just another aspect of who he is.
i also think it’s important to note that abed being arabic and muslim breaks stereotypes about autistic people. it is only recently that our wider society has begun discussing the lack of diversity in autism representation and it’s impacts. most autistic characters are cishet white men. this is based in the notion that the majority of autistic people are cishet white men, which comes from the history of only testing on cishet white boys and creating the diagnostic tools based on them. autism can present differently outside of that group, and it also creates bias in diagnosis. even though abed is still a cis man, being a poc breaks down the stereotype of white men being the only ones with autism. he also offers representation to a wider group of people, even now. while i’ve seen a bit more rep for autistic white women, the rep for autistic poc (especially woc) remains fairly nonexistent.
on the topic of canon, i personally think abed is canonically autistic. it’s referenced a couple of times in the show, though it isn’t directly confirmed or denied. but considering dan harmon’s story, i think it’s clear that the autistic-coding is intentional. a character doesn’t have to outright say the words “i am autistic” for it to be canon. he has so many autistic traits that it is undeniable, and with dan harmon writing him i think it’s safe to say that he’s canonically autistic. keep in mind that this is my personal opinion and that other autistic people may have other opinions, all of which are valid. the debate of canon is complicated and everyone has different definitions.
i wish there were more characters like abed. characters who are impacted by being autistic yet exist beyond that. characters who speak to an autistic audience, who are written by autistic people. autistic characters who are diverse, who are likeable, who are smart, who are capable.
seeing abed made me so emotional. i want more autistic characters who make me feel seen. i want more autistic characters who make me feel human.
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We’re Listening
Content note: this is a very emotional post and talks about some distressing things.
I’m in several online autism-centered parent groups.
This is mainly so I can offer support and also learn – as I like learning about resources around to help advise families and friends.
Want to know a secret?
I hate it.
You know how sometimes people warn you to not read the comments?
It’s like that, but worse.
I understand that it’s venting, letting out some sort of pent-up rage into the void.
But – it’s very painful.
I see the posts about young children, and their parents calling them evil.
My blood pressure skyrockets and my chest hurts every time I have to read flyers shared that say “Talk About Curing Autism” or a fundraiser for the dreaded Autism Speaks. I worry as I read about how they use unsafe practices to “cure” the autism. The fad diets, the bleach and chelation, the intensive “quiet hands” ABA torture. A 40 hour work week is rough on most adults; why do it to a child?
I watch as an entire comment thread agrees together that autistic adults belong in group homes, that autistic children will never amount to anything, that autistic children should not be allowed to have an organ donation or that their deaths would “be a mercy.” I see people say that their child’s distress is “such an embarrassment” or that their child would be better off institutionalized and never allowed a voice.
I swallow my stress as I read post after post about how someone “can’t deal with this child anymore” and how “they just want to give them away.” As someone who grew up as a ward of the court, these comments sting too hard for me.
I cry because someone literally says they hate autism, and would rather have a dead child. Straight up posting “I would rather have a dead kid than this” and “I wish my kid was dead.”
Considering I just lost my autistic baby brother – don’t even try to pull that one on me.
Don’t you even dare.
__
I try to keep myself composed, because if I told people how I felt, I would definitely be banned. And even when I speak up politely, I often get shut down.
“You’re not really autistic.”
“You’re too high functioning.”
“You don’t know what it’s like!”
A few fun facts:
I am autistic.
I am not a functioning label.
I know exactly what it’s like, both inside and out.
__
I get told “you’ve never had a toy thrown at your head.”
I remember that I was given brain injury that has wreaked havoc on my nervous system and cognition. I have had many things thrown at my head, bitten, scratched, punched, and worse.
And yet, the worst abuse I have ever received was from neurotypicals. I have no anger nor bitterness toward a child who is struggling to comprehend and tame strong emotions.
I am lectured with “you don’t know what it’s like to worry about your child’s future.”
I remember crying alone hysterically the day my autistic brother went to preschool, because I was scared he would be bullied like I was.
I didn’t fear for me, because I figured I would die before I grew up anyway (my mental health was not the best). Now that I’ve somehow survived, I am terrified.
I’m not sure what happens next. I don’t know where I will be living this time next year. I don’t know how I’m going to keep afloat. And you’ll find that most of us autistics are terrified, too.
__
I listen and read every comment.
“Autism is a disease. Autism is undignified. Autism is disgusting. We need to fight and destroy autism.”
I replace each instance of Autism with a name, whether it be my own or my loved ones. I would type it out, but I do not want to.
“My child is a disease. My child is undignified. My child is disgusting. We need to fight and destroy my child.”
How cruel does that sound?
I’m so used to being called worthless and broken. Our community hears this constantly in professional and parent circles.
Even in the conference I spoke at in April, I broke down crying as I listened to the more high-profile guests.
To them, we are a burden. We are missing pieces of ourselves and are too broken. We are deficits in society. Byproducts of genetic disease or environmental toxins, things I overheard constantly during the conference. Books on the counter about the “epidemic” and “problem children.”
All around me were puzzle pieces, anger, people all shouting about the horrible autism epidemic.
My meltdown I had when I got home had nothing to do with public speaking.
It had everything to do with the fact that I felt unwanted and unwelcome at an event that was all about my shared neurology. My friends, my brothers, my loved ones, my sweet fiancé – we are told so much that we are broken. We are told we have no empathy or emotion. We are not wanted, not desired, not needed.
And people wonder why autistics have higher rates of trauma and mental illness?
_
I know autism is hard.
I am in that odd and awkward perspective, where I am the autistic person, love an autistic child, work with autistic people, and am trying to enter the professional word of special education.
I am not a stranger to the “negatives” of autism – not even the slightest. Yet, I don’t see a child with “deficits” or as a “side effect.”
I see a child who needs supports, love, acceptance, and encouragement. All people, regardless of ability, deserve kindness and to be respected as human beings.
But I can’t say that in these groups – and that’s the real shameful disgrace.
Autistic children, teens, adults – all of us are listening.
But are you listening to us?
-Courtney Johnson, @justkeepstimming
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I wish people would stop using functioning labels on mental illness when all they have to go off of is 5 minutes or an hour of watching someone from the outside.
You can never know the struggles that person is going through unless they decide to tell you, and even then the chances of you fully comprehending every moment of pain they are telling you about is slim.
I’m not slightly depressed. I’m in the midst of a manic depressive episode. Have been for weeks. But because I keep my hygiene respectable where people notice, and steer them away from clues that something is wrong, and show up to work on time because if I didn’t, people might notice. What you don’t see is that I’ve been wearing my hair in a ponytail for 2 weeks because I don’t have enough motivation to take care of myself properly, ie wash my hair. You don’t see the state of my bedroom, and how bad my sleep hygiene is because I can’t be fucked to wash the sheets because taking care of myself isn’t on my radar. You don’t see how long I take to get to sleep and how many times I wake up during the night. You don’t see my nightmares. You don’t see the mental breakdowns and panic attacks and autistic meltdowns and dissociations that I have in a single day because even if they happened right in front of you, people don’t care enough to notice the subtle change. Plus, I’m pushing that shit down so much that my own family members wouldn’t notice them. You don’t see how fucked up my eating schedule is when other people aren’t involved because eating falls under the “can’t be fucked” category. Sure, you might notice how I’m more spaced out, forgetful, looking kinda sickly. Manic depression is generally so bad that people will notice something is slightly off. But just because I’m going to work and smell alright and eat when other people do DOES NOT mean I’m a high functioning depressive person. It means I just have the lifestyle to hide it behind.
The exact same fucking thing goes for autism. I’m not someone with autism who is “high functioning”. I’m autistic PERIOD. You don’t see the struggles I have that I don’t show you. You see exactly what I want you to see and nothing more. Some people choose to not hide their autism. Some people have different needs that make it more obvious that they’re autistic. Note DIFFERENT. I have a shit ton of needs that aren’t being met because I look like I’m functioning just fine.
Well honey, that’s because of the fist full of meds I have to cram into my mouth every day and the smile I paste on every day to make you more comfortable. Because trust me, if you saw the unfiltered me, you’d think I’d belong in a damn psych ward.
People say “don’t judge a book by a cover,” so for once take your own fucking advice and stop assuming the needs and struggles of others when you have no fucking idea what is actually going on.
You see what people want you to see. Nothing more, nothing less. PERIOD.
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These are questions I've had for some while and it's hard to find someone who'll answer with grace. This mostly relates to disabilities (mental or physical) in fiction.
1) What makes a portrayal of a disability that's harming the character in question ableist?
2) Is there a way to write a disabled villain in a way that isn't ableist?
In the circles I've been in, the common conceptions are you can't use a character's disability as a plot point or showcase it being a hindrance in some manner. heaven forbid you make your villain disabled in some capacity, that's a freaking death sentence to a creative's image. I understand historically villains were the only characters given disabilities, but (and this is my personal experience) I've not seen as many disabled villains nowadays, heck, I see more disabled heroes in media nowadays.
Sorry if this comes off as abrasive, I'd really like to be informed for future media consumption and my own creative endeavors.
Okay so the first thing I'm going to say is that while it IS a good idea to talk to disabled people and get their feedback, disabled people are not a monolith and they aren't going to all have the same take on how this goes.
My personal take is biased in favor that I'm a neurodivergent person (ADHD and autism) who has no real experience with physical disabilities, so I won't speak for physically disabled people- heck, I won't even speak for every neurotype. Like I say, people aren't a monolith.
For myself and my own writing of disabled characters, here's a couple of concepts I stick by:
Research is your friend
Think about broad conventions of ableism
Be mindful of cast composition
1. Research is your friend
Yeah this is the thing everybody says, so here's the main bases I try to cover:
What's the story on this character's disability?
Less in terms of 'tragic angst' and more, what kind of condition this is- because a congenital amputee (that is to say, someone who was born without a limb) will have a different relationship to said limb absence than someone who lost their limb years ago to someone who lost their limb yesterday. How did people in their life respond to it, and how did they respond to it? These responses are not "natural" and will not be the same to every person with every worldview. This can also be a great environment to do worldbuilding in!
Think about the movie (and the tv series) How To Train Your Dragon. The vikings in that setting don't have access to modern medicine, and they're, well, literally fighting dragons and other vikings. The instance of disability is high, and the medical terminology to talk about said disabilities is fairly lackluster- but in a context where you need every man you possibly can to avoid the winter, the mindset is going to be not necessarily very correct, but egalitarian. You live in a village of twenty people and know a guy who took a nasty blow to the head and hasn't quite been the same ever since? "Traumatic Brain Injury" is probably not going to be on your lips, but you're also probably going to just make whatever peace you need to and figure out how to accommodate Old Byron for his occasional inability to find the right word, stammers and trembles. In this example, there are several relevant pieces of information- what the character's disability is (aphasia), how they got it (brain injury), and the culture and climate around it (every man has to work, and we can't make more men or throw them away very easily, so, how can we make sure this person can work even if we don't know what's wrong with them)
And that dovetails into:
What's the real history, and modern understandings, of this?
This is where "knowing the story" helps a lot. To keep positing our hypothetical viking with a brain injury, I can look into brain injuries, what affects their extent and prognosis, and maybe even beliefs about this from the time period and setting I'm thinking of (because people have had brains, and brain injuries, the entire time!) Sure, if the setting is fantastical, I have wiggle room, but looking at inspirations might give me a guide post.
Having a name for your disorder also lets you look for posts made by specific people who live with the condition talking about their lives. This is super, super important for conditions stereotyped as really scary, like schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder. Even if you already know "schizophrenic people are real and normal" it's still a good thing to wake yourself up and connect with others.
2. Think about broad conventions of ableism
It CAN seem very daunting or intimidating to stay ahead of every single possible condition that could affect someone's body and mind and the specific stereotypes to avoid- there's a lot under the vast umbrella of human experience and we're learning more all the time! A good hallmark is, ableism has a few broad tendencies, and when you see those tendencies rear their head, in your own thinking or in accounts you read by others, it's good to put your skeptical glasses on and look closer. Here's a few that I tend to watch out for:
Failing the “heartwarming dog” test
This was a piece of sage wisdom that passed my eyeballs, became accepted as sage wisdom, and my brain magnificently failed to recall where I saw it. Basically, if you could replace your disabled character with a lovable pet who might need a procedure to save them, and it wouldn’t change the plot, that’s something to look into.
Disability activists speak often about infantilization, and this is a big thing of what they mean- a lot of casual ableism considers disabled people as basically belonging to, or being a burden onto, the able-bodied and neurotypical. This doesn’t necessarily even need to have an able neurotypical in the picture- a personal experience I had that was extremely hurtful was at a point in high school, I decided to do some research on autism for a school project. As an autistic teenager looking up resources online, I was very upset to realize that every single resource I accessed at the time presumed it was talking to a neurotypical parent about their helpless autistic child. I was looking for resources to myself, yet made to feel like I was the subject in a conversation.
Likewise, many wheelchair users have relayed the experience of, when they, in their chair, are in an environment accompanied by someone else who isn’t using a chair, strangers would speak to the standing person exclusively, avoiding addressing the chair user.
It’s important to always remind yourself that at no point do disabled people stop being people. Yes, even people who have facial deformities; yes, even people who need help using the bathroom; yes, even people who drool; yes, even people whose conditions impact their ability to communicate, yes, even people with cognitive disabilities. They are people, they deserve dignity, and they are not “a child trapped in a 27-year-old body”- a disabled adult is still an adult. All of the “trying to learn the right rules” in the world won’t save you if you keep an underlying fear of non-normative bodies and minds.
This also has a modest overlap between disability and sexuality in particular. I am an autistic grayromantic ace. Absolutely none of my choices or inclinations about sex are because I’m too naive or innocent or childlike to comprehend the notion- disabled people have as diverse a relationship with sexuality as any other. That underlying fear- as mentioned before- can prevent many people from imagining that, say, a wheelchair user might enjoy sex and have experience with it. Make sure all of your disabled characters have full internal worlds.
Poor sickly little Tiffany and the Red Right Hand
A big part of fictional ableism is that it separates the disabled into two categories. Anybody who’s used TVTropes would recognize the latter term I used here. But to keep it brief:
Poor, sickly little Tiffany is cute. Vulnerable. How her disability affects her life is that it constantly creates a pall of suffering that she lives beneath. After all, having a non-normative mind or body must be an endless cavalcade of suffering and tragedy, right? People who are disabled clearly spend their every waking moment affected by, and upset, that they aren’t normal!
The answer is... No, actually. Cut the sad violin; even people who have chronic pain who are literally experiencing pain a lot more than the rest of us are still fully capable of living complex lives and being happy. If nothing else, it would be literally boring to feel nothing but awful, and people with major depression or other problems still, also, have complicated experiences. And yes, some of it’s not great. You don’t have to present every disability as disingenuously a joy to have. But make a point that they own these things. It is a very different feeling to have a concerned father looking through the window at his angel-faced daughter rocking sadly in her wheelchair while she stares longingly out the window, compared to a character waking up at midnight because they have to go do something and frustratedly hauling their body out of their bed into their chair to get going.
Poor Sickly Little Tiffany (PSLT, if you will) virtually always are young, and they virtually always are bound to the problems listed under ‘failing the heartwarming dog’ test. Yes, disabled kids exist, but the point I’m making here is that in the duality of the most widely accepted disabled characters, PSLT embodies the nadir of the Victim, who is so pure, so saintly, so gracious, that it can only be a cruel quirk of fate that she’s suffering. After all, it’s not as if disabled people have the same dignity that any neurotypical and able-bodied person has, where they can be an asshole and still expect other people to not seriously attack their quality of life- it’s a “service” for the neurotypical and able-bodied to “humor” them.
(this is a bad way to think. Either human lives matter or they don’t. There is no “wretched half-experience” here- if you wouldn’t bodily grab and yank around a person standing on their own feet, you have no business grabbing another person’s wheelchair)
On the opposite end- and relevant to your question- is the Red Right Hand. The Red Right Hand does not have PSLT’s innocence or “purity”- is the opposite extreme. The Red Right Hand is virtually always visually deformed, and framed as threatening for their visual deformity. To pick on a movie I like a fair amount, think about how in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, the title character is described- “Strong. Fast. Had a metal arm.” That’s a subtle example, but, think about how that metal arm is menacing. Sure, it’s a high tech weapon in a superhero genre- but who has the metal arm? The Winter Soldier, who is, while a tormented figure that ultimately becomes more heroic- scary. Aggressive. Out for blood.
The man who walks at midnight with a Red Right Hand is a signal to us that his character is foul because of the twisting of his body. A good person, we are led to believe, would not be so- or a good person would be ashamed of their deformity and work to hide it. The Red Right Hand is not merely “an evil disabled person”- they are a disabled person whose disability is depicted as symptomatic of their evil, twisted nature, and when you pair this trope with PSLT, it sends a message: “stay in your place, disabled people. Be sad, be consumable, and let us push you around and decide what to do with you. If you get uppity, if you have ideas, if you stand up to us, then the thing that made you a helpless little victim will suddenly make you a horrible monster, and justify us handling you with inhumanity.”
As someone who is a BIG fan of eldritch horror and many forms of unsettling “wrongness” it is extremely important to watch out for the Red Right Hand. Be careful how you talk about Villainous Disability- there is no connection between disability and morality. People will be good, bad, or simply just people entirely separate from their status of ability or disability. It’s just as ableist to depict every disabled person as an innocent good soul as it is to exclusively deal in grim and ghastly monsters.
Don’t justify disabilities and don’t destroy them.
Superpowers are cool. Characters can and IMO should have superpowers, as long as you’re writing a genre when they’re there.
BUT.
It’s important to remember that there is no justification for disabilities, because they don’t need one. Disability is simply a feature characters have. You do not need to go “they’re blind, BUT they can see the future”
This is admittedly shaky, and people can argue either way; the Blind Seer is a very pronounced mythological figure and an interesting philosophical point about what truly matters in the world. There’s a reason it exists as a conceit. But if every blind character is blind in a way that completely negates that disability or makes it meaningless- this sucks. People have been blind since the dawn of time. And people will always accommodate their disabilities in different ways. Even if the technology exists to fix some forms of blindness, there are people who will have “fixable” blindness and refuse to treat it. There will be individuals born blind who have no meaningful desire to modify this. And there are some people whose condition will be inoperable even if it “shouldn’t” be.
You don’t need to make your disabled characters excessively cool, or give them a means by which the audience can totally forget they’re disabled. Again, this is a place where strong worldbuilding is your buddy- a handwave of “x technology fixed all disabilities”, in my opinion, will never come off good. If, instead, however, you throw out a careless detail that the cool girl the main character is chatting up in a cyberpunk bar has an obvious spinal modification, and feature other characters with prosthetics and without- I will like your work a lot, actually. Even if you’re handing out a fictional “cure”- show the seams. Make it have drawbacks and pros and cons. A great example of this is in the series Full Metal Alchemist- the main character has two prosthetic limbs, and not only do these limbs come with problems, some mundane (he has phantom limb pains, and has to deal with outgrowing his prostheses or damaging them in combat) some more fantastical (these artificial limbs are connected to his nerves to function fluidly- which means that they get surgically installed with no anesthesia and hurt like fuck plugging in- and they require master engineering to stay in shape). We explicitly see a scene of the experts responsible for said limbs talking to a man who uses an ordinary prosthetic leg, despite the advantages of an automail limb, because these drawbacks are daunting to him and he is happier with a simple prosthetic leg.
Even in mundane accommodations you didn’t make up- no two wheelchair users use their chair the exact same way, and there’s a huge diversity of chairs. Someone might be legally blind but still navigate confidently on their own; they might use a guide dog, or they might use a cane. They might even change their needs from situation to situation!
Disability accommodations are part of life
This ties in heavily to the previous point, but seriously! Don’t just look up one model of cane and superimpose it with no modifications onto your character- think about what their lifestyle is, and what kind of person they are!
Also medication is not the devil. Yes, medical abuse is real and tragic and the medication is not magic fairy dust that solves all problems either. But also, it’s straight ableism to act like anybody needing pills for any reason is a scary edgy plot twist.
(and addiction is a disease. Please be careful, and moreover be compassionate, if you’re writing a character who’s an addict)
3. Be mindful of cast composition
This, to me, is a big tip about disability writing and it’s also super easy to implement!
Just make sure your cast has a lot of meaningful disabled characters in it!
Have you done all the work you can to try and dodge the Red Right Hand but you’re still worried your disabled villain is a bad look? They sure won’t look like a commentary on disability if three other people in the cast are disabled and don’t have the same outlook or role! Worried that you’re PSLT-ing your main character’s disabled child? Maybe the disability is hereditary and they got it from the main character!
The more disabled characters you have, the more it will challenge you to think about what their individual relationship is with the world and the less you’ll rely on hackneyed tropes. At least, ideally.
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Ultimately, there’s no perfect silver bullet of diversity writing that will prevent a work from EVER being ableist, but I hope this helped, at least!
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my turn to cry - thoughts on 3-1b
ok this has actually gotta be my favorite chapter cause holy shit so much stuff happened.
I played the Alice/kanna route and afterwards I watched a vod with the reko/shin route in which ranmaru and naomichi died before the banquet, so BIG SPOILER WARNING FOR BOTH ROUTES
Mafia Princess Sara??: Ok so first off, back in the beginning of 2020, I had a theory that Sara was a mafia heiress and that the death game was supposed to be something to “prepare” her. And that her memories were wiped or she was initially supposed to be kept blind to this whole thing (In 3-1a when everybody saw the consent form for the very first time everybody felt a sense of deja vu, except for Sara. Because why would they need her consent when she is the sole focus of the game and it’s all for her) This theory was mainly supplied by my confusion surrounding the hiring of Kai, cause why would mr Chidouin hire a former assassin to protect her?? How did he even know Kai??? But yeah, the whole thing with Shinobu Gokujo and deciding a new don through a death game just adds a lil more validity to this theory.
Sara’s real father: I also had a mini theory that Gashu Satou was her real father, but that was mostly cause of their hair color and how it would def make Sara’s hair color make more sense genetics-wise (but kai has black hair, so its most likely that his mother had black hair, which would also disprove this mini-theory but yk im not here to prove it just talk about it). And that Gashu knew of Mr. Chidouin and gave Sara to him, and it would also explain why mr Chidouin chose Kai of all people to look after her and why Kai could only watch her from a distance, in case she realized the truth that he was her brother/half-brother or something.
GREENBLINGS CANON AAAAAAAA: I love this, I love this so much oh my god. Now I can replay and cry after 2-2 cause nankidai hates us :’). I dont have an issue with this specifically, I’m just a bit bothered by how the whole thing went. There was some buildup yea, and the cg with kanna, kugie, and shin was amazing. And that lil bit about nice hallucinations made me tear up a bit. But, then everybody kinda just moved on? and idk this whole chapter was a fuckign roller coaster I could barely keep up.
Autistic Gin <3: I’m autistic myself and I have seen many characters who are autistic-coded or exhibit many signs of autism but have never been straight up confirmed (Ex: Vera Misham from Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney). And even then, these characters usually share similar personality traits like being aloof and reserved. So it’s nice to see that Gin is representing autism in a relatively realistic manner with his hyperfixations, vocal tics, and issues with socializing. Even after nearly dying like 17 times he’s still doing well and I genuinely wish for his survival and happiness.
Ranmaru’s death: Both of Ranmaru’s deaths, (if you or if you don’t fail the electricity absorption minigame) the death feels so... off? I was really attached to him as a character, yet his death didn’t impact as much as Joe’s or Nao’s did. During his Banquet death, one second he had his really cute smiling sprite but then whoops oh no guys weird drill screw thing kills him (again). I still can barely comprehend it because it all just happened so fast. Like no cg or anything. I was honestly kinda disappointed. The “delayed” one does a better job at his death scene, but again, it was wayyy too quick and completely dismissed as everybody just moves on to defeat Maple 2.0. I at least would’ve appreciated a better transition than Midori just saying “well anyways–”
Ranmaru’s extremely quick descent into madness in the shin route: I actually liked this idea of Ranmaru willing to go to such extremes for Sara. However, theres barely time for any of this to develop? Like again, everything just happens so fast??? I would've definitely liked if there were little hints around before the body discovery that ranmaru was gonna do something like this, just a little time for development would really be cool.
Mr. Policeman/Mr. Tazuna???: After I finished, I actually looked on the wiki to see if it said anything about his son that he mentioned and I found this:
But yeah thats cool
The thing about Q-taro: I’m gonna say it now, I’ve liked Q-taro ever since the aftermath of 1-2, and Q-taro haters have added absolutely nothing to this fandom. Everybody saw him as a child-hater, I see him as a guy who’ll do anything to survive and succeed. I mean that wish is kinda what got him into the death game. And yeah he did try to leave that one time, but that’s what getting thrown into traumatic killing games does for you, most people don’t want to die, they want to live, no matter what it takes. We can’t all be the main character and choose to cooperate with everybody and be the “good” person in that situation. Even Sara has those extremely selfish moments and those intrusive thoughts of winning and leaving.
This whole thing should also be applied to Ranmaru. Ranmaru has gone through so much shit in such a brief amount of time, to the point where he was considering to/actually kill people to escape with the one person he trusted in this hellhole. In that situation, Sara’s kinda at fault here, cause without Joe she’s lost her sense of morality which resulted in her becoming selfish and well... honestly kinda toxic. This emotional manipulation is really what set Ranmaru off, however it was 100% his decision to fucking kill somebody and murder’s bad. Still love him though.
But back to Qtaro, I really enjoyed the extra substance given to him in this chapter, it’s nice to see the development from being selfish to feeling deep remorse to protecting the dolls of the first trial victims, most notably Mai. As he completely forgives her for stabbing him. The chapter did a great job at fueling my already intense love for Q-taro (and it actually convinced my best friend who claims to hate Q-taro with every bone of her body to like him too!) I also love the father-son dynamic between him and Gin. I find this relationship to be really important cause Gin’s father is an abusive alcoholic and Q-taro’s an orphan who’s never had a proper role-model in his life. So it’s beautiful that despite not having anybody there for him when he was younger he can still be a good figure for another child.
Predictions/hopes for the next part:
I just want to see whether Shin already knew about Kanna being his sister, and if he doesn’t I want a reveal. Right. Now.
A Ranmaru/Joe/Q-taro/Kai/ “Hinako” revival, p l e a se they died so soon
More info about the people involved in the Hades Incident/Shinobu Gokujo
More info regarding Meister
Sara going on Maury
Who tf is “Hinako”????
I really hope that there isn't any specific good/bad ending. Like I want every ending to be equally bad and good yk? like equal consequences and good stuff.
Yo wtf happened to Sara’s mom?? Is she gonna come back and play a more important role in the story?? Are her parents gonna come back as floor masters???
I want things to actually change depending on whether you picked Alice or reko, cause so far they’ve played extremely minor roles.
#3 1b spoilers#yttd#yttd spoilers#q taro burgerberg#sara chidouin#ranmaru kageyama#joe tazuna#gin ibushi#kai satou#keiji shinogi#alice yabusame#reko yabusame#shin tsukimi#midori yttd#kanna kizuchi#greenblings#sou hiyori#mai tsurugi
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Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency
Okay so this is it going to be another long one
All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from
Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on) and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.
autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes. gender is one of those constructs.
Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao, or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella) some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.
now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do. we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert) this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing. allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.
because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”
no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it) has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance” SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!
5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.
in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!
now I want to talk about a certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.
now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate) since a lot of people roll their eyes at that and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly. Autigender is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..
xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.
Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.
In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????
In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”
Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.
#autism#actuallyautistic#trans#nonbinary#xenogenders#neopronouns#lgbtq#adhd#nuerodivergent#gender identity
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You know someone’s parent is paying their rent when it didn’t even occur to them that you are damn near the impoverished person they think they’re protecting from you. They haven’t caught on yet how bad things can be for people in their own country.
It’s literally fucking wild to have rich kids come for you when you live in the most dangerous part of Detroit in a nowhere-near-code mold filled building that has caught fire, had multiple gas leaks, and several murders within while you’ve lived in it, making nearly minimum wage (with the degree you worked three jobs through and the debt that came anyway because they promised would give you a good job). And have everyone assume you’re okay because Hey :) It’s America :) The inability to receive proper healthcare, ableism for both autism and physical disorders, high crime rate (that has absolutely gotten me jumped and robbed), and the food desert Detroit is known to be don’t actually exist because that would be really sad in America :(
Some people are doing so well here they literally cannot comprehend how many lives going on around them are the lives they believe are only in other countries. And it speaks so much more than they realize of how little they actually think of those people. They think that can’t happen here. They donate to other nations but then won’t make eye contact with me when my car breaks down in the ghetto and I need a ride before I get taken.
I’ve had multiple jobs where I was literally, unironically, The Help to wealthy families who treated me like crap, belittled me, withheld my wages, told their kids not to be like me (even when I was watching them...), and made fun of my health problems and that my teeth are incredibly bad because periods of illness broke them down and I can’t afford to fix them. I’ve worked 3 jobs at a time before I simply could not physically do that anymore. I’ve been drugged and raped at work.
I want you to know that older people can tell if you do or do not have to live like this. They can tell if you have the mental space to White Knight for people you’ve never met (against someone interested enough in their culture to receive an education surrounding it) that you are Fine. You are out here having your parents money to help you along, screaming into the void at poor people because you think their being mad to other poor people. But most of you would make eye contact with none of us if you met us on the street and we looked like we do on a daily basis.
#you need to understand if we were there#you'd be at your friends house while they had me and the other workers over trying to tell him to be nice to us#i'm having a hard time abusing people I have no access to because I'm thousands of miles away and could never afford their work#but I'm learning the loophole is if you have Local Poors you can take it out on them because it's America so everyone here is fine :).
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I was the one who asked if there's a way to tell if you experience sensory sensitivities or if what you experience is just neurotypical.
So for one, a couple days ago, my step-mom's friend's daughter was here. She's 9-years-old and my brother was "jokingly" scaring her and she would keep screaming at the very top of her lungs and I kept plugging my ears because it hurt. My brother made fun of me and said I was being "stupid" for doing that. To this day, I can't comprehend how her screaming didn't hurt his ears. It got to a point where even after she stopped for a while, it felt like my ears were ringing even though they weren't.
Ever since I was younger, I always told people "I have sensitive hearing" but I only told that to people because I don't like loud noises unless I can control it (music). I don't actually know if it's true that my hearing is sensitive or not, but I notice when I'm the only person plugging my ears, it makes me question. If I can avoid loud noises, I always make the choice to do so. When our dogs are barking and yowling a lot, I get irritated and I can't stand it. At school, I always avoided pep assemblies if I could because I always told people my hearing was too sensitive to deal with it. But at the same time, I don't know if I've experienced sensory overload caused by anything other than emotional sensory information, if that makes sense...
I get meltdowns and shutdowns, but I always associated them with stressful emotional moments, but I can't tell if other sensory input like sound or visuals also added to it.
There are textures I hate, like crayons, so through my entire life I have never used crayons if I was given a choice. Certain papers bother me a lot, but I've learned to deal with them. I notice when I'm the only person wearing a coat in cold weather. Textures bother me to a point where I'm glad I have to wear gloves at work because every time I touch something gross, dirty, or something that bothers me, I always end up washing my hands.
But at the same time, I can "deal" with these things ?
I experience same-fooding and I have ADHD and I experience SO many autism symptoms, but it's so hard to know if I am autistic because I have so much trauma and my ADHD is so bad and so is my depression and anxiety that I can't tell if certain things I experience are due to trauma, ADHD, or it actually is autism, but I can say that I watched a video about one person's experience with their autism and I cried because I related so much and my autistic friend says that it believes I might be autistic as well.
Original ask date: September 16th
Hi there! Thank you so much for putting in the work to describe your sensory experiences more in detail, so I can give you a better answer.
So upon reading this, no, this is not a neurotypical experience. You observed how neurotypicals respond- they don’t cover their ears. They don’t wear their coat. They touch the crayons and they don’t care about the type of paper.
All of these experiences you listed are sensory sensitivity, to a T. The fact that you are able to “deal” with it isn’t what makes you neurotypical- a neurotypical person doesn’t have to deal with it, because for them, there is nothing to be dealt with. So having to deal with it means there is something there that you’re dealing with- and that thing is sensory sensitivity.
Sensory sensitivity is one of the symptoms that overlaps between ADHD and autism. So it is entirely possible that your sensory-sensitive experiences are caused by your ADHD.
From this scientific study on children with ADHD:
One type of sensory processing problem is sensory over-responsivity or sensory hypersensitivity. That is, individuals respond to sensory stimuli in the way that is faster, longer, or more intense than what is expected. This response can be towards any types of sensory stimuli. Sensory over-responsivity can be considered as an independent diagnosis. For example, a child with tactile sensitivity or defensiveness might be defensive for hair-brushing and/or haircuts because she/he cannot tolerate it easily.
This sounds to me exactly like what you are experiencing.
It makes perfect sense that you would relate to autism experiences in this way, because sensory sensitivity and meltdowns are a very common symptom of autism, and it is one we share with ADHD.
But at the same time, I don't know if I've experienced sensory overload caused by anything other than emotional sensory information, if that makes sense... That makes total sense, and my question is...what else do you think causes sensory overload? Emotional sensory information IS sensory overload. That’s the cause of it. There are two things that contribute to overload in a brain: emotionally distress, and too much sensory input (such as touching Bad Textures or hearing Bad Sounds, etc.) This is exactly what overload is.
I get meltdowns and shutdowns, but I always associated them with stressful emotional moments, but I can't tell if other sensory input like sound or visuals also added to it. The answer is yes. Emotional distress and sensory distress compound each other. This means if you are emotionally upset, your ability to process sensory input is reduced. Or if you are experiencing sensory distress, then your ability to handle emotions is reduced. They are both things that “fill the overload tank” in your brain, and a person can get overloaded from either Too Much emotions OR Too Much sensory input OR a combo of both.
None of these experiences are neurotypical. Both are things experienced by people with ADHD and people with autism. Both ADHD and autism have a lot in common, and so people with one very often relate to the experiences of people with the other.
You also may have autism as well. It is very common for people who have one to also have the other. So if you feel you might have autism too, it can’t hurt to go and get tested for it. If there are some symptoms you experience that ADHD doesn’t explain, that is an indication you may have autism as well. But you are most certainly neurodiverse, and it makes perfect sense that you would related to autistic experiences regarding sensory experiences and meltdowns, because those are not neurotypical experiences at all.
#actuallyautistic#actually autistic#sensory input#sensory overload#meltdowns#shutdowns#overload#emotional overload#ADHD#comorbidity#submission
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Your Sokka with TS means so much to me. I have autism (and boi is the comorbidity high) so ecolalia and stimming is really similar to tourettes, and I see myself in a lot of your headcanons. Thank you for sharing it, disability representation is so important. Have you ever considered autistic!Zuko and what that would mean in his relationship with TS!Sokka? (He's very autistic coded in the show). Hope you have a good day, thank you again
Hi!!! It warms my heart that you can find some familiarity in my headcanons! Yes! Stimming and echolalia are incredibly similar and most certainly transcends just Tourette’s (I’ve done a lot of research on TS because, well, first of all I have it, and I also wrote a paper about having TS in the classroom for a class haha!).
I agree, disability representation is so incredibly important and, I feel, oftentimes rather under-looked. I was actually really nervous sharing my Sokka with TS headcanons the first time since, in my personal experience, not many people understand it super well, but the fact that multiple people have told me that they feel heard or understood from simply headcanon representation speaks volumes and means the world to me!
YES! I absolutely believe that Zuko is autistic and honestly, autistic!Zuko and TS!Sokka is fantastic!
In terms of their relationship, I have touched on this a few times but not in depth, but touch is something sacred to them in a way that few of their friends understand. For Sokka, unexpected touch makes him feel constricted or makes him think that if he squirms or stims or tics too much during the touch, the person will notice and get upset with him. Zuko has a special relationship with touch as well (also due to abuse, but right now I am focusing entirely on autism). I feel as if Zuko has heightened sensory perception, particularly on terms of people touching him. He is “acutely aware of people touching [their] skin”, thus sometimes people touching him sends this hyperaware sensation through his body.
They both are not huge fans of touch, but that makes them both feel better, in a way. Yes, Sokka does often worry that Zuko will be upset with him because he can’t always cuddle at night (because Zuko loves cuddling with Sokka, the feeling of Sokka’s skin is familiar to him), but Zuko manages to make him aware that cuddling does not matter as much as being with each other. They both have an intense amount of respect for each other and their hesitance with touch only makes them more compatible!
Many people with TS and Autism have sensory issues as well. I headcanon that the two actually have rather different sensory issues-- Zuko can’t take loud noises and Sokka feels sensory overload with... this sound is hard for me to describe, but I call it “static” or “the muffled sound of nothing” (because this is the noise that sends me into sensory overload oops). I guess you could say, Sokka has a problem with a more muted version of the loud noises Zuko gets sensory overload from.
They both learn about each other’s sensory issues rather early on and can recognize the signs quickly. When Sokka gets overload, he starts stimming more to distract himself from the panic. He paces, goes for walks around the palace or market or wherever he is, sometimes covers his ears... Zuko helps him with this by making him leave the room / area (because Sokka feels too embarrassed to leave). He also (as I have mentioned many times because I feel strongly about this) keeps stuff for Sokka to fidget / stim with! When Zuko gets overload, Sokka will make excuses for why they have to leave so Zuko can be professional (even though Sokka knows it doesn’t matter in the long run and Zuko’s a kid so he shouldn’t have to feel like he has to be professional). Zuko close his eyes or flinch when it gets too loud. The flinching is instinct but the eye closing is to help calm himself down. He’ll repeat things to himself, like he’ll count to ten over and over again. He’ll grab Sokka’s hand and squeeze it because Zuko is one of two people who are allowed to touch Sokka whenever they want to!
Ahhhh I got a bit carried away... I just think TS!Sokka and Autistic!Zuko would have this really special understanding and respect for each other that others sometimes find it hard to comprehend. It’s just so important and meaningful and it helps them to work as a unit, to understand triggers and how to help (not that the others don’t, because they do try and help out whenever it’s needed, but this is also on a romantic level lol) and ahhhhhh I’m so soft for them hunbvftbygnhmnugbh
I hope you enjoyed this and feel free to share your thoughts as well! Again, I am so happy that you found understanding and representation in my headcanons!!!
(Sokka with TS Headcanons Part One , Part Two)
(I don’t have Autistic!Zuko headcanons written out as of yet, but I might write some once I finish classes!... I’ll probably also write more TS!Sokka when classes finish for the semester... I’m not gonna lie lol)
#whenyourfavoritedies#atla#avatar the last airbender#atla sokka#atla zuko#Sokka with Tourette’s#zukka but tourettes and a healthy dose of angst#but what if... sokka has tourettes#autistic zuko#ask#corey rambles:)
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Heyo ! I can ask you Lance who is in a relationship with a guardian with autism ?
Hello! Thank you so much for the ask! I don't have much knowledge about people with autism but I've been around them a few times in my lifetime and after a bit of research I think I know how to write this properly. This’ll be somewhat short since I feel pressing myself to write more and more about this will lead to errors and misconceptions, but that also means that this should be (hopefully) a lot of high-quality headcanons in a semi-short post.
Since autism is a spectrum disorder with different severities, I'll be writing Guardienne with a moderate-ish case - just so it's noticeable and does effect the relationship in some ways, but isn't too severe to the point where I don't know how to write it accurately.
~Headcanons below the cut~
Lance and an S/O with autism:
To begin with; I’ll be writing the S/O with autism that effects her speech and daily activities a bit. Again, it’s nothing severe, but it’s enough to be noticeable. I’m comfortable writing this in the sense that she has a bit of trouble picking up on other’s and her emotions sometimes, and where she has a few patterns she follows - I feel I’ll make less mistakes like this because I can visualize it better. She’s independent and is fine on her own but communication with others can be a bit rough sometimes
Lance notices that she acts a bit different than others sometimes, but this interests him greatly. He wants to understand; to learn about her. When he finds out that she’s autistic, he does whatever he can do research this. She’s his partner, why shouldn’t he research it?
Since Eldarya’s world communication is more limited than Earth’s, his research is usually limited by the area he’s in. At the guard, or on missions, he’ll try to find time to look in libraries or other resources to see if there’s any similar recorded cases in his world. When he finds things similar, he reads everything there is to read about it.
Conversations with her can be a bit odd at times - sometimes she doesn’t pick up well that someone is uncomfortable about the topic at hand, or sometimes she has a bit of trouble explaining the emotions she feels. However, he notices that this isn’t much of an issue with him most of the time. He enjoys the fact that she says what she thinks, even if it could be a bit rude. It’s not her fault, it’s just that she can’t pick up on other’s emotions at times; it’s not always obvious to her that someone is sad, or a bit angered by something she said. However, he finds it a bit of a relief that she’s blunt. He doesn’t need to spend much time guessing her stance on something. Nor does he mind any occasional stutters or repetition of information; no harm - no foul, it’s just another small trait of hers and he’s certainly not that picky at people
That also being said, talking with Lance isn’t too much of an issue for her, either. She has a bit of trouble understanding and recognizing things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean she can’t comprehend it. Lance is typically quite blunt as well, and he certainly makes no move to try and hide his emotions. He’s an open book - you just need to know how to read him. And if he feels something is being overlooked, he’s not afraid to mention it. This nearly always helps her avoid any miscommunications that could occur
Sure - communication can be rough sometimes, but there are also some perks to this
When she has trouble expressing her emotions, he does what he can to help. At very least, he’s patient and he understands this struggle. He has a lot of emotions himself, many of which he has trouble sorting through at times, so he understands the frustration of not always being able to say how you feel. He tries to help her work through her emotions, which isn’t always successful - emotions are very complicated - but, even knowing that he can’t always help, he still strives to do his best to help her.
Lance also notices that she has a few patterns, and she doesn’t sit well when these patterns are broken. A few things in her room are placed as she likes, and they’re quite organized as well, which he has no trouble with. He likes organization, and he makes sure to try and leave these things alone as much as possible as to not distress her. On the occasion that something disrupts this and distresses her, he does his best to help correct the issue and offers himself as a calming, stable presence to help relax her.
She has a few daily routines as well, and he makes sure to stay out of her way as to not set her off track. He’ll even take care of anything that could delay her so she can carry on.
Frankly, this helps him keep to his own routines as well, and perhaps allows him to pick up a few more routines that he likes. When she begins one routine, he begins one as well, and they both learn to stay out of each other’s path while still being able to stay on routine.
Overall, he recognizes that it can be frustrating for her when communication and understanding emotions become a bit of an issue. He does his best to learn about her so he can help her in any way he can in cases like that. She’s his partner, he believes it’s his responsibility to work with her in life so they can live together. At the end of the day, Lance really sees her autism as just another difference. Nobody is exactly the same as anyone else, so when two people enter a relationship, they need to work at it everyday and learn about each other. Lance intends to do this exact thing, and will happily maintain a relationship with her as long as it makes them both happy. He loves her, and even admires how she still forges on through life without letting this effect her overall, so he’ll continue to stand by her and love her everyday
I hope this is good! Again - I'm not too familiar on how autism portrays and effects, so I sincerely apologize if this isn't accurate in the slightest. I'm willing to re-write it if this isn't as you hope, provided you give a few examples of what you hope to see!
Have a request? Ask them here!
But first, please read the rules list for asks!
#eldarya#eldarya ane#eldarya lance#eldarya lance ane#eldarya lance headcanons#fenristheorem writing#askfenris
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hey, could you explain the Dan Ticktum autistic thing? I think it's very interesting but don't know enough about autism, I think? I've started reading up but would be interested to hear what made you think that
hi anon, you’re about to get an essay. i will explain my thoughts under the cut to not clog up the dashboard :)
there’s a multitude of things that stand out to me about dan, but i think the main ones are 1. his need for everything to be fair all the time 2. his stimming 3. his social unawareness and 4. his voice.
1 - needing everything to be just is a key autistic trait. if things aren’t fair we just can’t comprehend it. our brains just don’t do it, so we get super caught up in making things fair. with dan, it was a stream on 22/2/21 in which max f was having a shit game of cod, he kept dying and he asked dan to buy him back multiple times and when dan went to the buy station he bought back friz and lando instead. when dan did it, he said he picked the top two players which makes perfect sense if you want to win the game, it’s fair, so in dan’s mind how can max be upset. max was not a happy bunny, because in his mind he should be bought back so everyone can ‘have a turn’ even if its not the best option to win the game. that isn’t how dan thinks. second example, calling mick a cheater in f3. he did not make many friends doing this, but when he percieves injustice he can’t keep his mouth shut because it isn’t fair. it was never about mick personally, it was the results and tbf mick had a serious upturn in results and dan isn’t the only one who has called him suspicious for it.
2. stimming. for those that don’t know, stimming is self stimulatory behaviour. it’s essentially how to deal with big feelings and overwhelming sensory input when you’re autistic. i will keep this short. he rocks a lot, he wanders around his room, he makes noises with his mouth, he repeats the same phrase over and over again. his stream elements bot is just his vocal stims at this point.
3. i think this one is pretty self explanatory. he never has conformed to what people expect racing drivers to do or say, he’s brutally honest, he doesn’t ever stick to the usual media script. he’s been described as naive more times than i count. one of the official attributes on the nhs autism test is often makes embarrassing and naive remarks, do with that what you will.
4. okay this is hard to describe, but he has this tone of voice and lack of volume control that made me seriously go, huh?? autistic?? when you compare his brother ash and his voice’s dan sounds different in a very particular way that isn’t pitch. its a bit like an accent. and then volume control... i think we all know he has none of that. he’s got a stutter as well which is typical of autistics.
yes he’s got attitude issues and the shitty stuff he’s done can’t and shouldn’t be excused, but also he’s not just the angry kid? i think people should give him more breathing room. nobody ever learns or heals by being villified as a teenager. i also think he doesnt know he’s autistic which, yknow, hasnt helped him.
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Byakuya, Nagito, Gundham, Kokichi, and Gonta reacting to their S/O getting picked on.
I shortened the title a bit, but here is the full prompt:
How would Byakuya, Nagito, Gundham, Kokichi, and Gonta react to an S/O who has autism, and makes animal noises when happy? And one day they're out in public and someone makes fun of them so much they start crying?
I had a lot of fun writing this, it was a super sweet request!
- Mod Ri
Byakuya:
He’d do anything in his power for you, it didn’t matter how big or how small the task was, Byakuya would do anything to make his dear S/O happy.
When you were happy, you make sweet little animal noises. In turn, this made Byakuya truly happy, since he knew when you were happy and got to hear your pristine voice.
If someone ever made fun of you, oh boy. Byakuya wasn’t one to start a verbal argument in public, but he didn’t hold back when it came to his famous ‘rich boy glare’™, and the aura he radiated was extremely formidable, yet you felt safer than ever stood behind him.
But it could all be too much sometimes, and the jeers and insults would get to you, causing you to break down and cry.
How dare someone make his S/O cry!
With one last glare, he’ll take you out of the situation and back to safety.
Once you get home, his cold façade drops almost immediately, as he holds you close and whispers sweet words to you.
It genuinely irks him when people make fun of you. Can’t they see just how perfect you are?
He’ll pamper you for the rest of the day, making sure to remind you just how wonderful you are.
“You shouldn’t listen to those people; they have no right to talk about you. I’ll always be here with you, so you have no need to worry.”
Nagito:
Where to even begin? Nagito adored you, every single detail about you. You were his shining hope and he’d defend you until the bitter end if he had to.
In his eyes, you were basically a goddess and he was ecstatic that someone like you would spend time with him, let alone be in a relationship with him.
He couldn’t comprehend why some people would make fun of you and he often found himself wondering if their minds were tainted with such powerful despair that blinded them to the obvious hope standing in front of them.
If someone where to ever make the mistake of making fun of you in front of Nagito, they’d better be prepared for one long and tedious conversation.
It was perfectly normal for Nagito to monologue about hope and not giving into despair by picking on his S/O. He’ll get lost in the moment and is normally pulled back to reality by someone getting physical with him or the person he was talking to just walking away.
Now, be prepared to be spoilt for the rest of the day. If you want to stay out, Nagito will take you anywhere you’d like and buy you everything that catches your eye.
He’ll keep your hand held tightly in his as you both walk around, but if you want to go home, he totally understood.
At home the white-haired boy will take you straight to your shared room and cuddle with you on the bed, all the while making a point of telling you how perfect you are.
In return this made you extremely happy and you’d let out a few small mewls, which made Nagito very glad.
“Ah, I love you so much S/O! You’re the light of my life!”
Gundham:
Gundham could be quite… odd at times, but all his talk about otherworldly beings didn’t stop him from loving you in the slightest.
He referred to you as the “feared demon queen”, which you loved. You knew he had somewhat of an obsession with the occult, so being equivalent to the demon queen in his eyes surely meant he cared about you to a great extent.
Whenever you were happy, you’d make a variety of animal noises, ranging from a small bark to a soft squeak. Sometimes the Devas would respond with their own exited squeaks, much to Gundham’s delight.
He was glad you could get along with his beloved Devas and was even happier that they’d communicate with you, it was just more proof that his S/O was the true demon queen!
All hell was bound to break loose if anyone dared speak ill about you. It was if Gundham had literally opened a gate to the underworld, his aura switched from sweet and gentle to fierce and intimidating in the blink of an eye.
One time, Gundham had left you for a few minutes to go and grab something from a nearby store, you agreed to wait for him since he told you it was a birthday surprise for you! What he didn’t expect was to find you in tears upon returning.
You’d explained everything that has happened in his short absence and obviously the demon lord himself was enraged, but for now, he had to focus his energy on cheering his precious S/O up.
He’d take you home and sit you down on the sofa, letting you hold the fluffy Devas for comfort.
A hot drink and many cuddles with Gundham (and the Devas!) later, and you’ll be back to your cheery demeanour in no time.
“S/O, my cherished Demon Queen! This was intended for your birthday, but I’d like to bestow it upon you in this moment if you’d allow it.”
He pulled out a glimmering silver box which contained a magnificent silver band for your wrist. Apparently, it would connect your souls to one another, to keep each other close, even when apart.
With a high-pitched squeak, you flung your arms around his neck.
He held on to you tightly as the Devas squeaked back in happiness, thinking that you were communicating with them.
Kokichi:
He found you super cute, like super high school level cute.
He’d fuss over you often, and people liked to joke about him being surgically attached to you. The reason he stayed so close to you, was that people had hurt you emotionally in the past, and there was no way Kokichi would allow that to happen whilst he was around.
You were walking hand in hand through the mall, just having a good time. Holding Kokichi’s hand made you super happy, so you would quietly mewl and squeak in delight every now and again.
One time when you did this, a random passer-by just happened to hear you mewling and smiling and Kokichi. Let’s just say that passer-by wasn’t a nice person and began to make fun of you, completely ignoring Kokichi’s presence – big mistake.
Kokichi’s way to get people to leave you alone was to threaten to ‘get dice to come after them’. However, nobody had the faintest idea what ‘dice’ was, so it was a pretty ineffective tactic.
The person being confronted by Kokichi would often just leave on their own accord, being unable to take the furious purple-haired boy seriously.
“S/O don’t cry. That’s lame, silly!”
When Kokichi realised that you were genuinely upset, he grabbed your hand and whirled you home.
Plan: ‘Make Happy’ was in full swing. He sat you down on the sofa and put on his favourite comedy for you to watch.
He sat down with you and pulled you closer to him, hoping you'd lay down and cuddle with him.
Truthfully, you needed a good cuddle, and who better to receive them from than the ultimate supreme leader himself?
He was glad to see your mood lift when you started quietly humming along to some of the songs featured throughout the show.
"Hey, S/O, wanna go prank Kiiboy?"
An excellent idea. You both got up and devised the perfect plan together.
This was going to be one fun day!
Gonta:
Gonta didn't fully understand the concept of autism, but he loved and treasured you nonetheless. You were extremely precious to him.
Truth be told, he found your way of expressing happiness to be absolutely adorable.
Whenever you were both together, people never seemed to pick on you. It was likely that they were intimidated by Gonta's large and muscular figure.
However, when Gonta wasn't around, people would normally pick on you if you were to express your happiness.
Tears streaming down your face, you'd run home to Gonta, collapsing into his loving embrace once you'd arrived.
He'd quickly take to comforting you. Caressing your hair, cuddling with you, or just sitting with you, Gonta would do anything if it meant you'd cheer up.
When you'd eventually cheer up, he'd offer to take you out for a picnic. You both lived together beside a beautiful forest, which was the perfect location for romantic picnics.
With a quick nod, you'd jump up and go prepare. You liked to help Gonta cut up little sandwiches, savouring every single second you spent together.
Upon arrival, you'd rather hastily plop down on the checkered blanket Gonta had brought, and began taking in the gorgeous surroundings.
Getting to spend time with Gonta was always the highlight of your day, and usually overshadowed anything bad that had happened previously in the day.
"S/O, look! A butterfly, it reminds Gonta of you!"
You watched happily as a petite Chalk Hill Blue butterfly danced through the air, until it decided to rest on a nearby flower.
A mewl of happiness escaped your lips as a few more flew past, their enchanting blue wings fluttering in the breeze.
Carefully, you moved closer to the insect and reached your hand out to it. It made its way onto your index finger, as another mewl of delight left your lips.
Then you slowly turned back around to show your beloved boyfriend, a wide grin present on your face.
"Gonta thinks S/O is the perfect partner!"
#nagito komaeda#gonta gokuhara#kokichi ouma#gundham tanaka#byakuya togami#sdr2#danganronpa#trigger happy havoc#danganronpa trigger happy havoc#ndrv3 killing harmony#drv3#danganronpa nagito#sdr2 nagito#danganronpa gundham#sdr2 gundham#danganronpa gonta#drv3 gonta#danganronpa kokichi#drv3 kokichi#danganronpa byakuya#nagito x reader#kokichi x reader#byakuya x reader
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They say if you can’t find content for something, then make it yourself, so here’s autistic!Peter Parker headcanons that literally no one asked for. I’ve seen some, but they all seem to be very similar, and I need MORE and also I have a different take on it, SO. (My brain that needs Categories for Things doesn’t know what to do with this exactly because it seems that a lot of people think the common labels are too ableist and I don’t disagree, so I’m calling this stealth!autism because it’s Not Obvious And Undiagnosed But Still Relevant, AKA me, lol.)
Under a cut because this monster weighs in at just over 2k words. Oops.
Also, ya know, a little bit AU because I hate that Tony sold the Tower. :P
Tony was the first to realize anything was different about the kid, after he started spending more time actively mentoring him after the Vulture fiasco.
It was small things at first. He didn’t think much about it. The first couple of months, most sarcasm went completely over the kid’s head (which, okay, Tony’s brand of humor isn’t really mainstream anymore, he thinks -- he doesn’t speak meme -- and maybe that was the problem because the kid does slowly catch on to it, and fewer and fewer awkward moments ensue as time passes). He stuttered and didn’t often make eye contact, but he wrote that off as more nerves than anything. He rambled about one topic non-stop sometimes, but he wrote it off as anxiety -- a need to fill the silence. His hands were always busy, if not with anything productive, then a constant fidgeting. Once again, probably just nerves.
But as time passed and Peter became decidedly more comfortable around him, none of those things disappeared. Maybe he stutters a little less, but nothing about his mannerisms changed. And the longer he knows Peter, the more little things come to his attention.
Peter has a hard time taking verbal instructions. It’s not that he’s not listening or focusing. It’s more like he just doesn’t...comprehend? process? It just doesn’t always stick. And that’s okay. Tony can work with that. He makes Peter repeat instructions to make sure he’s got it, or he writes it down if he can’t just show the kid himself. Everybody learns differently, after all. (Tony would know.)
Peter often stayed for dinner when he came to the Tower, and Tony noticed the things he liked to eat and the things he wouldn’t. “You don’t like mushrooms? Uncultured!” -- A shrug. “I don’t mind the taste, but I can’t stand the texture. Same goes for shrimp.”
(He files that information away for safe keeping. Do Not Make Shrimp.)
And, really that was just the start. The seemingly ‘little things’ piled up.
One night, after Peter had left, Tony was puzzling everything over. Trying to figure this oddly eccentric kid out. Pepper offered a listening ear.
“It sounds like he could be on the spectrum? It’s a lot of little things, but they add up. It fits.”
And, oh. That made sense actually. But... “Why would he not tell me that?”
“You’re still his hero. He probably doesn’t want you to think any differently of him.”
So Tony doesn’t say anything. There’s no tactful way to ask something like that, after all. Peter will tell him when he’s ready to -- if he ever is -- Tony figures. But until then, he’ll just keep adjusting. Life is probably hard enough to navigate, no need to make the workshop that way, too.
Peter doesn’t know. He’s always been aware that he’s different, sure, but he has Ned and -- more recently -- MJ as friends and (most of) the Decathlon team, so it’s okay. He doesn’t mind, not really.
(He didn’t present in the ‘normal’ ways when he was little, so, just like Tony, all the adults in his life wrote off the ‘little things’ as something else.)
And then everything happens and suddenly he’s spending a lot of time with the Tony Stark and getting to work in his lab with him, and if the Tony Stark does’t mind that he’s kind of weird and awkward, then he must not be that weird or awkward. Tony doesn’t interrupt his rambles or look annoyed by them. He doesn’t comment on the fidgeting or stuttering. Peter doesn’t know when the hero worship ended, but he thinks it probably had something to do with the sheer amount of patience the man has for him and his oddities.
(And, don’t get him wrong, Tony is still his hero, but it’s different now.)
Besides his aunt and Ned, he thinks Tony might just be the most comfortable person to be around.
Second semester starts, and he finds out he needs to take an elective instead of a free period in order to stay on track to graduate. Unfortunately there’s only one class that’ll fit in his schedule as is and he doesn’t really want to mess around with the placements of his other classes, so he ends up taking some sort of health class, but not the fun home-ec ones where you get to cook and eat the stuff you make. He’s not exactly dreading it, but he’s not looking forward to it either.
Instead of having an exam for midterms, they have a project, the topics assigned at random, things like depression and anxiety and ADHD. Peter’s topic is Autism Spectrum Disorder. Like most people his age, he has a vague idea of what that is, but he thinks it’ll be interesting to learn more about, so he’s at least not dreading doing research.
He starts with the basics, what it is and how it works and the ‘markers’ of how you can tell if someone is. Which leaves him vaguely confused. Because some of these things sound like him? But he’s not, so.
He ends up in forums, because he knows that the strictly medical side of things often doesn’t actually do it justice with how it is to actually live with something. On every forum he slogs though there’s always at least one thread about not being formally diagnosed at all or not until adulthood. And he always reads those because how could something like that get missed? But he quickly finds out it’s really pretty common (or, at least, more common than he thinks it should be).
He goes to blogs, too. Between the two, he finds a million and one things that people on the spectrum deal with that ‘official’ sites don’t tell you. Actual people relate what it’s actually like, and suddenly there’s this seed planted in his mind because holy crap does he identify with this and suddenly a lot of things make more sense.
He’s not sure how he gets there, but he ends up on an online AQ test and he takes it. He doesn’t technically score high enough, but he’s borderline (and the higher end of that, even, barely missing the lowest number, and if he’s honest, a couple questions he wasn’t entirely sure how to answer and that may have made a difference), and the site itself says, “89% of those who fall in the borderline category are diagnosed” and...
He doesn’t really know what to do with this information. He’s almost 16 and he’s old enough to understand this kind of stuff so surely if May knew she would have told him. But how the heck do you even ask about something like this? “Hey, May, am I autistic?” just wasn’t going to cut it. And if she didn’t know, that would be even more awkward. So he doesn’t. He buries the thought and ignores it the best he can.
But Tony notices because of course he does. He asks if Peter is alright and spends an awful lot of time staring at him with that expression no matter how many times he says he’s fine. Eventually, Tony does drop it with a quick “I’m always here to listen if you need to talk -- no judgment” and Peter appreciates that more than he’d like to admit, but just like with May, how the heck do you start a conversation like this one? So he still doesn’t.
For a while after, everything is fine. He turns in his project, gets an A on it, and he puts it out of his mind.
Finals pass, and summer vacation starts, which means he has more time to swing around Queens and more time to spend with Tony in the lab. This is going to be the best summer ever he’s pretty darn sure.
It’s late June, and Peter is staying the weekend because May is out of town and any excuse is a good one. AC/DC is playing over the lab’s speakers, just like normal, and he’s rambling about something when he suddenly becomes very aware that that’s what he’s doing, that he’s actually info-dumping, and -- he cuts off mid-sentence. Because he hasn’t thought about this in months, but it’s back again. What if...?
He zones out, he’s not sure for how long, but the music clicks off and suddenly Tony is sitting directly in front him, obviously concerned. Very concerned, because he’s not even trying to hide it. “Peter? What’s wrong?” No nickname? Tony is definitely on to him, and he’s not going to get away with saying ‘nothing’ this time. He stares down at his hands, and he can’t help but rub his fingers together (he doesn’t really have anything else to fidget with at the current moment so).
He’s very aware of the silence and that Tony is still waiting for an answer. But he doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything.
(To Tony’s credit, he doesn’t so much as shift or sigh. He just...sits and waits. He’s not usually such a patient man, but Peter is different. He can be endlessly patient with Peter. Pepper says it’s because Peter is practically his kid, and he’s not so sure about that, but whatever.)
The silence is uncomfortable and he can feel himself starting to panic, but he forces himself to breathe and try to unscramble his thoughts. Because whatever he says, he’s determined to not say it bluntly. There has to be a subtle way of asking...maybe...right? He’s determined to try, anyway.
In the end, he settles on a mumbled, “Mr Stark? Do you think I’m... different?”
(And Tony has to steel himself because he’s known for more than six months at this point and he’s just been waiting for this conversation so you’d better not mess this up, Stark.) “Maybe. But that’s not a bad thing. Normal people don’t accomplish things worth remembering.”
“You don’t think I’m...weird? or awkward?”
“You’re a teenager. ‘Weird’ and ‘awkward’ are kinda part of the job description.”
Peter almost smiles. He knows Tony is joking with him, but... “No, I mean....” He cuts off. He doesn’t know what he means, really, and trying to figure it out is exhausting. “I don’t know. Never mind. It’s not important.”
“If something is bothering you, that makes it important to me.”
Peter isn’t sure what to think of that, and silence drags on again.
For a hot minute, Tony thinks he blew it. But then Peter speaks up again, and when he finally starts, he rambles it all out and doesn’t even try to sort it out. He just...wants it out. “I just... I don’t fit in, Mr Stark, and I’ve always known that and I’ve been okay with that because I’m just me, ya know? And if other people don’t like me, that’s on them not me, or at least that’s what I’ve always been taught and everything, it’s just I’m weird and I know it, and I’m just...” There’s a pause, and he’s not sure Tony even hears what he ends with, “I think there’s something wrong with me.”
(At this point, Tony realizes that Peter probably didn’t have any idea until a couple of months ago. Oh. Well.)
When Tony replies, it’s not how Peter thinks he will. “Does this have something to do with that mid-term project you had to do?” He finally meets Tony’s gaze again, and Tony adds with a smile, “You were acting kinda like this then, too, kid.”
He looks back down at his hands and mumbles. “Autism. That’s what my project was on.”
“And you think you are?”
Peter can’t even find it in him to nod. He just...keeps staring at his hands and waits for the other shoe to drop because surely this is it, this’ll be the thing that’s too much on top of everything else, and Tony will boot him out because he doesn’t want to deal with it.
It’s only quiet for a moment before Tony says casually, “You wanna know who else is on the spectrum? Einstein. Or, I guess I should say was, but that’s irrelevant.”
Peter is looking at him again, because What???
Tony smiles at the look on Peter’s face. “I’m serious. People who know far more about it than I do say he probably was.” He shrugs. “So your brain works a little differently. So what? It just means that you’ll see answers no one else will. So the way I see it, that just means you’re gonna change the world, kid.”
Peter decides maybe he can live with this after all.
(They go back to work, the music clicks back on, and it’s a solid ten minutes before it dawns on Peter. His head snaps up and over to where Tony is working a few feet away, and says, “You already knew, didn’t you?”
Tony just laughs and says, “Pep guessed before I did really, but I guess you could say that. I’ve had a hunch since around Christmastime.”
And that puts him more at ease than anything yet. Tony knew and still treated him exactly the same as before. He decides maybe this is okay.)
(Not a week later, when Peter shows up at the Tower to work on stuff, he finds a box on his workbench. Inside are various fidget toys. All he can do is stare as Tony comes up beside him.
“Try ‘em out. Let me know what you like. That way I can have a stash because God knows you lose things like no one I’ve ever known.” It’s all said with a fond smile, and Peter knows it’s true -- he does lose things like crazy.
Peter decides he likes the cubes, and Tony is true to his word. “This one stays here, on your table. Here’s another one that stays on your desk at home. This one is a spare for your backpack, and this one is to carry around wherever. I also have three more in the drawer over there for when you inevitably lose one.”
They’re all superhero-themed, and he’s pretty sure Tony commissioned the designs especially for him, though he can’t prove it.
At some point a weighted blanket appears in his room in the Tower after a movie night where Tony pulls out his and Peter comments how AMAZING it is. He gets another one for home for his birthday. Both are also custom-made superhero-themed colors.)
#actuallyautistic#autistic peter parker#MCU#autistic headcanon#tony stark#irondad and spiderson#respectfully asking to not tag as st//rker please and thank you#because it's only intended as irondad :)#also there will be more with like May and Ned and MJ#and the other Avengers because#Canon who? never met her lol
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