#i guess the other reason is because im. im like. im very bad with blocking people right
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things are so strange over here
#i did some interesting things in my past#so whenever i see like someones blocked me TTOTALY FAIR AND IM NOT TRYING TO GUILTTRIP OR BLOCK EVADE#ITS NOT YOUR PROBLEM ITS MINE HOWEVER THIS IS MY BLOG I CAN POST WHAT I WANT#so when i see someone blocked me i feel panicked#because i immedialtye feel like “the truth has gotten out” or whatever.#and that my whole community and everything is about to crumble down to the ground with silent blockings and call out posts#and i panick about it#i try to check if i know why i got blocked i panic about it#but. ueah#i try my best not to: logically. its most liklely okay.#i guess the other reason is because im. im like. im very bad with blocking people right#earlier when i was. like starting. on social media. often blockng or unfriending people would lead to people#harrassing me to talk to them again#or them telling me that i had no right to stop trying to talk to them#so the decison to block still holds too much weight in it#and i feel like when someone blocks me its befcause they think im scumt of the earth#its not actually true though. i do know this#im allowed to trauma dump in the tags its my own blog.#anyway#um.#vent i guess#i know im vague posting but person if you see this its not. its not. meant to be around you i just felt too much feeling and wanted to figu#e out why
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a little deranged. crazy even. so im gonna spew out my freenoodles headcanon on how they first met in college!! and then married. and then adopted mk. also tang's job
if you look at the pokemon trainer cards that were made for tang and pigsy:
there's a two year age gap between them, meaning tang is a freshman (majors in JTTW history idk) and pigsy (culinary major?!?!) is a junior
tang tries desperately to be social during his first year so he gets dragged to a ping pong tournament (it's silly i know) and lo and behold pigsy's there
pigsy is absolutely DEMOLISHING everyone that goes against him, which eventually includes tang because he gets pushed to the table and long story short tang gets nerfed and is absolutely scarred and scampers away like a little rat (pigsy feels kinda bad but he still keeps playing). tang avoids being anywhere near pigsy out of pure fear till pigsy graduates and leaves. hurray for tang!!
then during tang's senior year he visits a noodle shop that just opened and GUESS WHAT. IT'S PIGSY'S NOODLES. he's gotten over his fear of pigsy (mostly) and manages to start a conversation with pigsy talking about his first impression of him (ping pong tournament). pigsy is pretty embarrassed and laughs it off but he enjoys tang's company and eventually tang becomes a regular, both for the cheap but quality noodles and for pigsy (tang eventually manages to start a tab somehow don't ask me) (he still pays) (sometimes) (pigsy has a fat crush on tang that's probably how).
after tang graduates he becomes a professor and writes papers about JTTW and he makes a decent amount of money from this job. he still manages to visit pigsy often and then after way too long of hopelessly pining like idiots they get together and marry around their mid 20s. tang moves into pigsy's apartment above the restaurant and eventually MK shows up at pigsy's restaurant at around 5 yrs old. pigsy manages to take care of MK while running a restaurant but it gets too tedious and tang decides to quit his job as a professor to take care of MK all the time while pigsy works (tang doesn't like working anyways he's 2 cool 4 work) (pigsy feels really bad tang gave up his job for MK because he feels like he's burdening tang but tang doesn't care he's an airhead) (MK gets adopted in a few months by the both of them yay!!)
even though MK's like in his early 20s when the series starts tang's still basically. unemployed. but it's okay he's a mood. he helps pigsy open and close the shop but other than that his job is to be a nuisance to pigsy (affectionately) and tell MK stories.
TL;DR- tang gets scarred by pigsy at a ping pong tournament in college and then 3 yrs later at pigsy's noodles they pine hopelessly and marry + adopt a child and tang quits his job to take care of MK bc that is totally very reasonable
(im so sorry if this block of text is like hard to read or understand 😭😭😭)
#lego monkie kid#lmk#tang lmk#freenoodleshipping#lmk freenoodles#freenoodles#lmk headcanon#headcanon#lmk pigsy#lmk tang#BRAINROT#insane.#if i don't think about them once a day i will explode#i love these headcanon posts
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WARNING BIG SPOILERS FOR QSMP BAD POV AND A LITTLE BIT OF PHIL POV ALSO JUST A LOT OF RAMBLING READ AT YOUR OWN RISK BECAUSE WOOO BOY THERE A LOT AND IM NOT EVEN DONE YET
I have so many thoughts on Bad's last stream the fact like OMG my heart QSMP needs to pay for all of our therapy
I'll probably do another post because holy crap there is a lot that happened today
I thought it was sweet Dapper and Pomme went to qPhil first because Dapper said they know he has concretions to some kind of goddess of death obviously referring to Kristin but I still am not sure if she is actually canons but it was a cute reference and it's nice to know that Phil has lots of tickets if they need cookies this week.
But also like Damn Phil cannot get a break first Tubbo now Bad I swear soon all the eggs will be ophans /j
Also apparently Taulluah is seeing the ghost of the eggs that died and one more. Idk if it's also an egg or something/someone else but if it's an egg I think it's either: 1. A-1 the egg that evil quackity was testing and died or Hope.
For those who don't remember Hope was an egg in a different orphanage than the original eggs that Cellbit found a while ago. The egg left a diary of their time in the orphanage. No one came for the egg and died but told that whoever is reading their book should not be sad for them. That's all I remember I'd have to go back and look to see what else I can find.
ANYWAYS Yeah so Taulluah sees ghosts now that are sad for some reason and she doesn't know why and Bad is missing and also presumably dead or a ghost? Because as we were following Dapper and Pomme on Bad's stream the thing would have reactions a lot of like what Bad would have. Like nodding and shaking his head or rolling his head for rolling his eyes. It all just felt very Bad like.
Also he was very against using any spells of stuff to block spirits so I think it might be Bad somehow looking out for them but not able to talk or interact with them for some reason.
I know these are a lot of signs at once but I find it very sweet that Dapper despite everything is trying to keep a positive view of everything and trying to cheer Pomme up.
I love how this is the plan they come up with to get Bad back lol 😆 I'm sure they'll come up with a real plan but who knows this could maybe work
Dapper and Pomme did this a lot and I love it. Them just leaning their heads together silently telling the other it's ok we are together aggghhh it is so sweet. And the fact that they did it multiple times I imagine just reassuring the other and themselves that they are there.
This was so pretty and nice just Dapper and Pomme watching the sunset (07 Bobby) together going over memories
Talking about their dead siblings and Max saying they should build a new place for them to remember them and wish them a Happy birthday every month
I didn't get screenshots of it but Dapper telling Pomme that all of their past siblings would have loved her with how sweet Tiln was and how good it was to be around Flippa, how Trump would have loved picking flowers with her and how Bobby would have loved doing pvp with Pomme :,) like bro I am literally tearing up
I am going to make a part two because tumbler is at its limit of how many screenshots I can show because guess what there is more heartwarming and heartbreaking stuff I need to talk and show
#qsmp thoughts#i have so many thoughts like holy shit#qsmp theory#qsmp#qsmp spoilers#dapper qsmp#qsmp pomme#qsmp tallulah#qsmp bbh#qsmp badboyhalo#qsmp rambles#qsmp screenshots#qsmp eggs#qsmp rant#qsmp bobby#qsmp tilin#qsmp trump#qsmp flippa#quackity smp
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going to be real bunwitch seems to be pretty happy that scout's going through it. extremely fucked to look at a person in a high stress situation with their personal pets and go "haha i doubt its real but if it is theyre just being dramatic". Like how fucked up is it that the other person mainly involved (bonefarm) who has experience with falsified animal control calls can sympathize with someone they dont even like but bunwitch is just completely shifting the blame off themselves and acting like scout is overreacting. if they werent the ones that did it, it was definitely one of their followers. certainly hope bunwitch doesnt have to worry about any false animal control calls or doxxing anytime soon, because theyre gonna get the exact amount of sympathy theyre giving scout.
Oh I absolutely have no doubt it was them or one of their pals lol. They’ve been pissing and moaning about Scout for days now for absolutely no reason. The last post I saw of theirs before I mass blocked a bunch of these weirdos started off with something like “I don’t get why culling newborn rabbits is bad but mice isn’t” yeah man, Scout didn’t say that though. It’s weird to cull pinkie mice solely for pattern or sex too. The main reason pinkies are culled is that they’re a specific size that makes them an excellent stepping stone in feeding baby carnivorous wildlife. I don’t personally cull pinkies as food because it’s a waste of resources and low in nutrition, but if you’re feeding something like a very small snake you don’t always have that many options since they swallow prey whole making it impractical to simply cut adult mice in smaller pieces. A newborn rabbit of most breeds is similar in size to adult mice and halfling rats so you can much more easily just use those and not have to worry about supplementing with calcium or anything. Rabbit meat in general is so low on fat it’s a bit useless to most carnivores as a food staple unless you have an obese carnivore you need to drop weight off of.
That’s a digression I know, but my point is that bunnyblr weirdos will take any opinion that may conflict with their interests and spin it into their own narrative to organize their pathetic little harassment campaigns.
“Oh you said goat kids shouldn’t be hard culled at birth in your opinion? Guess that means you hate rabbit breeding and want us dead but personally step on baby mice with your bare feet, also sometimes your cattle who live outside have mud on them im calling the cops on you in real life because I stalked you to find your name and address, I’m the normal one here!”
Anyway, I hope Scout gets some form of legal Justice for this because it really is just them openly threatening with a not-so-subtle “fall in line because I know where you live and how to find you by name if you move”. There’s no other justification because you cannot legitimately tell me that they thought sending an ACO to Scout’s apartment, not the property the cattle are kept at, their personal apartment where they live, was actually done in good faith to “save those poor moos” absolutely not. Nothing Scout has done is illegal or considered unethical by anyone who knows anything about cattle. This wasn’t done out of concern this was done with the intent to harm someone for saying something they didn’t like online. You don’t send a cop to the home of a queer person with good intentions. It’s absolutely sickening behavior.
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Bye to Wind and Lightning
TLDR: I AM WHINY AND IM GOING TO MOVE BLOGS TO A SMALLER ONE WHERE NOBODY KNOWS ME. EITHER @kikuneesama FOR GENERAL STUFF OR @konohamaru-sensei FOR ANIME STUFF.
Did you know that in 2020 when the pandemic held us all in a chokehold I decided to reread One Piece and Bleach, but consciously decided not to touch Naruto, as if I knew that I'd be sucked in real bad if I read it again? I was right. In 2021, I randomly thought "No, I will read it now" and then I did and boom I talked about nothing else for that summer and to channel my thoughts I made this blog right here separate from my main and not as a sideblog. I wanted to start completely over at a different place.
I had a terrible summer in 2021, constant mental breakdown. I don't want to bore you with the details because you don't care, but just being back doing the stuff I loved when I was 16 was such a blessing. I was truly happy in the first months here, especially with the discord servers and the oc talk and the friends I made. My boyfriend commented on it all the time, that I looked so very happy. And I was! But these things never stay.
The problem with me is, I want community, I want to talk headcanons and to bitch about characters I don't like and promote ships I love and cry and laugh and hug all of you for liking the same things as me and at the same time I'm terrified of rejection, of people hating me, of people spreading lies behind my back. I guess school does traumatise you in some way.
I can't survive in a cutthroat fandom like this one, I take things too personally too quickly. I don't understand that if you, a normal person with your own wishes, likes a thing I don't like or dislike a thing I like it doesn't mean you automatically hate me. You are just a different person and that is ok! It's not you. It's me. NO I'm not just saying that. It really is me.
Did you know that when I started out here I didn't tag my stuff? Especially not my OC stuff (and I still rarely tag it). The fear that someone might find it, hate on it, send me hate, make fun of it etc, sits so deep that I rather have my work not be seen at all. Yet, I need the attention to keep going because without the reblogs and likes and asks I feel like an utter failure.
My boyfriend says I am not good with the public eye on me and he is probably right. I envy those of you who can stand their ground and be self confident in their arguments. I envy those who don't care what others say, who can block and move on, who don't get a knot in their stomach when someone they had nice interactions with unfollows. I shouldn't care, but I do.
On my first tumblr blog I never looked at my followers, I never got asks either or was deep in fandom or anything, but I reblogged my stuff and posted my thoughts and was feeling good. I love tumblr, its the best social media out there for a reason. Yet, with this one, I got so self conscious about my followers, about what I can and can't say. If my presence would offend or not etc etc.
I was kinda looking forward to 1000 Followers because it is an insane number, but now at 997 I'm throwing in the towel. Isn't that like giving up before the finish line? Maybe, but I'm so tired and I want to be unknown again. I want to be nobody again. I want the naruto fandom to move on and forget I was ever here.
So I'm leaving! Sorry, I guess! At least for a good while. I might be back to finish the requests still pending on this account and then disappear again, but I don't know if I'll ever permanently come back. If you by any chance really, really really care about my presence, you can find me under @kikuneesama as a general spam blog with all sorts of things and under @konohamaru-sensei for anime-only stuff. This is also where my Naruto posting will be moving.
If you are a moot I will follow you from Kikuneesama again.
Thanks, I guess, for over two years of hanging out. I'm sorry I am such a lame loser.
One thing is for sure: Though I am moving to a blog named after Konohamaru, Kakashi will always be my love.
tschüss und auf wiedersehen,
~Nisi
PS: I'll q this a couple of times so I'm sorry if you have to see it a few times in the next few days. I swear I'll be gone after that.
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WIBTA if I blocked/ghosted this guy I can't quit?
so I've(nb25) known this guy(m29) about 8 months, but we haven't seen each other that many times. maybe 10 total. It's just a friends with benefits situation but he's very generous, he's splurged on hotels in the city for us we didn't really need, expensive meals, he's also just given me pocket money straight up before. He will kind of do whatever I want, all I have to do is mention it and he will make it happen. i mention I wanna see the ocean at 9pm and he's driving us around to find a beach that's open. i mention a food im craving and he's already ordering it, etc. he's not rich either, he lives with his parents(I think it's more for cultural reasons than financial) but his job pays pretty well I guess. he talks about the money and I think he's trying to impress me but I know so little about money and still rely on my parents I don't even really have the context. he's constantly trying to impress me with stuff like that or how much he can bench press and i find it super off-putting and don't respond to it. He's been nothing but nice to me I think, but I think he's got issues and he can't really open up emotionally. I am very suspicious of how "nice" he is and I find his positivity to be really invalidating sometimes.
Recently I got mad at him for an insensitive comment, and while I was chewing him out he just smiled at me and kept saying "I like you". It really irked me and I felt like he wasn't taking me seriously, even after asking him why he was reacting that way he just elaborated saying he liked me because I stick up for myself ? I was upset so I kicked him out of my place, it was the middle of the night. He left with a smile on his face still. it creeped me out and I almost felt like he was gonna come back and kill me while I was home alone.
I know that I'm not into him. not just that but I actively think he's annoying, and his toxic positivity thing really gets on my nerves. Ive explained that to him and he still wants to hang out. every time were together, our dynamic gets worse. im not mean to him, but I don't hold back when I think he's making something up to sound cool/nice or being fake. he says he likes my honesty and often puts me on a pedestal for it, and im constantly having to take myself off the pedestal bc im just a human being, capable of lying and inauthenticity.
He knows I don't want a relationship and I don't think that's what he wants either? hes never asked. i know he's dating and looking for someone though. I don't even really know what he meant when he said he liked me.
Every time I see him, I end up feeling like I don't wanna see him again. I find him really annoying and end up feeling really alone with him. ive tried to break it off before which he respected but would still DM me on insta occasionally, and it's bad but eventually I just went back to him bc I liked the way he was nice to me and spent money on me. it's really pathetic but it makes me feel worthwhile? but I want to stop seeing him. and im thinking, he doesn't have my phone number and I could just block him on Instagram then Id be done with it. I think we're bad for each other and that I probably frustrate him more than he shows, I think he tried to make me jealous recently by talking about some "beautiful blonde girl" he slept with, who didn't have a "good heart" like me or something. it felt weird and negg-y. overall just really weird, bad vibes. Would I be the asshole if I just blocked him ? i have a feeling that the only other way this will stop for us is with something worse than that.
What are these acronyms?
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It's incredible frustrating to see the narrative shift from " mhj doing illegal shit with hybe having literal proof of it" to " apparently hybe is now in a cult and bts is at the center of it because reasons"?? Mhj dropping names left and right and getting their respective fandoms riled up against each other but more importantly against bts because we all know kpop fans don't care about anything else other than bashing on bts :) we have literal fans of disbanded groups crawling out of holes to try to insert themselves into this whole mess just so they can make a tweet about bts when their groups haven't been active for literal years. Saying bts paid their way to the top but then they kept saying bts will never succeed because they can't even afford to pay their producers.. so which is it :) I've met a lot of people in my life but nobody was as fucking stupid, dense, ignorant and sometimes borderline racist as kpop fans. And I know our fandom does the same and I'm not saying we don't have people like that. But holy fuck. Kpop fans are truly some of the stupidest people on earth.
BTS shouldn't even be in this mess in the first place if it wasn't for mhj name dropping them and admitting that shaman story. It took me a long time to realise that it was indeed a true story and not just some fabricated story because holy fuck who in their right mind does that. We literally had everything from accusing them of every single possible thing that is known to men to bighit going to court for them just because some people can't accept the PAST 10 YEARS. Like these hate campaigns are literally insane and if everyone could just take 5 seconds to think about them, we wouldn't be here: I mean imagine if Taylor swift or Beyonce or Coldplay had to go to court to prove that they didn't do illegal shit. But because it's BTS everyone just dismisses it with "oh they are very famous it's to be expected" and moves on. Meanwhile it's not to be expected and it's literally insane that some people are running these hate campaigns against 7 real life existing literal living breathing people and so many people don't even bat an eye.
Apparently the k-gp is siding with mhj rn because the overworked and tired office workers resonate with her sticking up to her boss - while she's also a literal CEO and reportedly has been horrible to her employees? Okay I guess.
I have my own problems with hybe and bighit and bang pd, I have A LOT of problems with them so I don't want to sound like someone who is siding with the company, but holy fuck can we just get back to the main point? Which is mhj doing illegal shit ?? And leave BTS and le sserafim and seventeen and txt and I don't fucking know who else out of this? I'm not even a fan of any of them and I have half of their fandoms blocked for stupid shit but they have nothing to do with this issue and still get dragged into this.
I sincerely hope bighit sues everyone.
THIS IS CRAZY? And why is BTS ALWAYS THE BAD GUY?! WTF?
Im so fucking tired of Kpoppies 🤬🤬🤬🤬
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im sorry, but am i the only one who found willow insufferable in this episode? (for the future?) i actually liked her, and i was all for developing her (and gus to an extent) but nooo!! not like this! she was just so cringe in this episode IMO. first in the scene where she was trying to act all reliable and tough for eveyone. i understand why she would feel like she had to put up this facade for gus. he's younger and of course she doesnt want to see her best friend sad. but.. why with hunter and the rest? no one asked you to do that! Even Camila asked her about it.
second, in the scene where she showed hunter the photo of flapjack, and he got sad. girl, i know you had good intentions but of course, he's gonna get sad. he's not magically going to get happy again. his bird died like.. 2 hours ago? he was about to cry!! and instead of comforting him, or idk letting him grieve, she says "oh im sorry! i didn't mean to make this worse! i'll be right back" like.. girl??
and then she runs off! omfg, this scene pissed me off. and now you have hunter there, feeling even worse and now he feels bad about being sad and making the others sad. wow, great job. instead of comforting your sad friend, you made everyhting about yourself. she felt like a pick me. i believe the scene would have been better if it went somewhat like this. maybe willow could have given the photo to hunter and still have him be sad. she could be feeling guilty, but instead of saying "oh sorry i made things worse" or whatever, she could have come up with a shitty excuse to leave the room (maybe ask mattholemule where the restrooms are? idk) and then have hunter notice the vines or something.
and then when they find her again with the mess of the vines. that scene was cool but.. willow stop doing your magic! please! for the love of god!(tho i'll give her a pass for that because she clearly wasn't in the right mind but... aaaaaa) it just felt so stupid the whole thing, considering there are biggers issues at hand. (collector, BELOS!) and then hunters starts comforting her (like how she should have done for him) and telling her all these nice things yada yada yada.
and then having willow blush at hunter after this scene in small moments felt very weird. like, up until that point shes has never done that before! it just makes it seem that the only reason she is blushing at him now and likes him is because he said some nice things to her. it just seems ehhh... like i said before, a pick me!
*Sigh* i really had high hopes for this episode. but it felt like a filler rushed episode.
a i guess.. to sum this all up, i feel like this whole thing was out of place. this whole stress thing and the missing of her parents would have suited episode one better in my opinion. after all, they had just entered the human realm, everyone is sad about leaving their friends and family. it would have made more sense in that episode that willow notices that everyone is sad, and then she tries to act all fine and reliable. it could have been more developed and we could have had small signs of this. it just felt rushed, out of nowhere and out of place.
also side note i didnt really like how they portrayed bosha as willow's main bully? her main bully was amity, not boscha. but thats another post for another day.
Dont like? Dont Read. Hate will be blocked.
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//spoilers for Young Iron's In Pursuit of Self chapter, "27 - Darkness", and for general big lore things such as the Gold dust things
AAAAAAAAA CONTINUING ON FROM THE REBLOG. I WILL THROW THIS PHONE IM TELLING YOU LOT I WILL.
"Why is it so cold?" ..OLIVIA. IM TELLING YOU LOT THIS IS BAD. BECAUSW YKNOW HOW LIKE GOLD FUST IS WARM AND YKNOW HER GOLDEN WHISYLE ID GONE?? WELL. YEAH UH. YEAH.
NONONONONONONOOBODAHHAHSHDKOJONOBON HER BODT ITS NO NOMONONOB PEONY SVAE JER AH NPNOOSOAO
COLD IROWB NAOSOAOAOAOAOAOAOAKAOOOA.
MY HEART. FIRST IT WAS NORTH. NOW OLVIIA?? To think abput it, its quite poetic considering how North's (possible) last words were "Im sorry" while Olivia's (MOSTBLIKELY POSSIBLE) last words were "North" being yknow.. His name
Kinda yknow poetic to think that they wouldve (MOST LIKELY NEARLY.) died on the same day.. AAAAOFHAKFJDJ
..wait. Peony said that Polly's enginr was somehow "saved" and now Olivia's gained cold iron sleep. Last chapter it was explained how and why Polly's soul entered Olivia's body to help her with her sickness. And since it's known that mostly sentient locomotives are the ones who mostly gain cold iron sleep.. Cold iron sleep entered Olivia's body THROUGH POLLY'S ENGINE BECAUSE THERES NOT MUCH GOLD DUST INSIDE HER ENGINE TO BLOCK OUT COLD IRON SLEEP. WHTAAHWYATA.
BUT HEY. THATS JUST A THEORY. A GAME THEORY-
YKNOW ITS QUITE RICH THAT, OF ALL PEOPLE, ROOSTER WAS THE ONE TO SAY THAT (considering his name HELAHFLDPSJAH)
"He has PTSD?" ..SCOT. HE. SAW. YOU. DROP. DEAD. OF COURSE HE HAS PTSD MY GOSH
THANK THE LORD ROOSTER MENTIONED THAT
ROOSTER SAYING THE REALEST WORDS HERE. IM TELLING YOU LOT ROOSTER IS SAYING THE TRUEST WORDS IN THIS CHAPTER
Wait. OKAY WAIT. WHAT. THIS WHOLE TIME. MY GOSH IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. SIR GRESLEY TOLD MALLARD ONT HE GOLD DUST
After 31 reads.. MY GOAH IM STARTING TO REALIZE THIS
"he'd begun to lose faith in North" WHAT. SLAMMING MY DESK RN. I knew this wouldve been said soon BUT WJAT I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS THIS KNOWN TO THE OTHERS?? Well SURPRISE SURPRISE ME ITS A NEW CHAPTER OF COURSE I DIDNT KNOW-
PAUSE. MALLARF?????? OKAY MALLARD IS REASONABLE TO BE GUESSED AS A GOLDEN WARDEN BUT TO BE ONE OF THE OPTIONS TO BE ONE?????? IM JUST FALLING OFF MY CHAIR RN. WHAT.
"He convinced himself into becoming a monster" and "No one hated Mallard more than himself." ARE. THE. MOST. RELATABLE. QUOTES. IM QUOTING THIS. THIS. these quotes are so relatable in many ways I could make 2 posts on. I SWEAR TO GOSH AAAAAA. Young Iron is shockingly relatable in all emotions in many ways AND MY GOSH DID IT BECOME MORE RELATABLE AAAAAAAA
Okay. Pause. Merlin was the only one to stay with Mallard throughout his black smoke arc. And yet it killed him in tje end..
NOW THIS IS THE BIT I TRULY TEAR UP AT. IM PAUSING THIS GIVE ME A MOEMNT.
Now continuing on.. Kimg
Kingdbah KIGN EDQWAR I DNOAOAOAIFHD YOU LITTLE GOSH. AANAAOAOODODODOXOXOXOCI
TYDFIL NOAOAOFOFOOOOOOOOOOAOAOAODOSOOSOAOAOAOAAOOOOOA GOD GOSH TYDMDNSAJSHTDVDVAOHOOAOAAAAAAAA.
OKAY. I NEED TOBBREATHE. I WAA SCREMAING. INTO MY PILLOW. PAUSE. PAUS EPAUSE. OKAY.
IM NOT OKAY /NSRS
Anyways yeah that qas my food review for today guys lile and subscribe for more vlogs /JOKEHIEKAJFJX
(In all seriousness this chapter was AMAZING OH MY GOSYFHHD the angst, the lore bits, the funny bits, IT WAS VERY WELL WRITTWN AND COMPILED IN THIS I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! A JOB WELL DONE YET AGAIN BY THE LOVELY REDWYVERNWRITES WOOOOOO /VVPOS)
Bonus:
Can we just appreciate the little ":D" yknow the little innocent yippee the silliest of ":D"s out there /pos
#cheesyversial rants#GOD WOOOO THIS HAS BEEN A VERY EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER HEHAHDHDHX#Now to those in the writing guild (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who are most likely reading this like Im crazy.. Im more than crazy for this/NSRS#ttte fanfic#ttte au#ttte#ttte young iron au#ttte in pursuit of self
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Really hit a sore spot calling your long posts long I guess 🤷🏻♀️. Txttletale is the bigot. She's admitted to saying racist stuff before, there's screenshots. That's partially why I don't like the bitch, she's an asshole, I don't care if she's trans. Then when someone says anything remotely negative about her it's all "SHE'S TRANS! DON'T SAY A SINGLE BAD THING ABOUT HER BECAUSE SHE'S TRANS!" and then block your ears when it's pointed out how irrelevant that is for several reasons. So I guess I'm now forced to assume everyone still following/interacting with her after this turn a blind eye to racism when it's against certains groups or when it's coming from a popular person they like. No matter how lightly or harshly someone criticizes her (or someone in her circle), the fucking mob comes out screeching about transmisogyny. Get a new shield.
That's all I can be bothered to say. I'm tired. Maybe you don't routinely die on the sword for her whenever someone brings up her shittiness, but a lot of people do.
again, it's not a sore spot just because I responded to the thing you said. like yeah my posts tend to be long, maybe because I had a lot to say maybe because I ramble. im not mad about it, I just thought it was worth pointing out, particularly when you were telling me to fuck off and mocking me for "caring about people's feelings". did you want me to just like... ignore your ask? do you imagine everything I'm saying is being screamed through tears or something? for context on the following post: I am chilling typing it on my phone and making a stir fry.
you say you don't care that she's trans, but it's literally half of your message. you might not care that she's trans but it's being brought up because of how it feels to be on the receiving end of this type of pattern when transmisogyny is so prevalent and uses the same tactics. it's not being used as a shield, it's being brought up because it is something she is experiencing. if you personally don't think your vitriol towards her (and me, another person you do not know but feel comfortable being kind of mean to) is related to gender, then great. but it's still mean and other people who *do* behave this way because they know she's trans have been saying the same things. so it is possible that her, my, or others' responses are not actually about your extremely specific grievances, but the large amount of grievances being received from multiple places
the reason she's admitted to saying racist stuff before is because she has acknowledged that it was racist and apologized for it, admitted she disagrees with the sentiment now, and illustrated why her post was wrong so that others who had agreed with it would understand. im not gonna speak much on this part because it's not my place to decide what racist stuff is ok to forgive and what isnt and I don't think anyone wants to hear that for me, but I do think that if you think she is a bigot, you should block her account and ignore her posts. i don't really see why you would only bring it up here to shame me, an unrelated person, for defending someone against bullying. it doesn't seem very respectful to the actual people hurt by that post.
also again I'd like to point out that parts of your message here intentionally paint me, her, and more importantly all other people that care about transmisogyny as "a screeching mob". this is the kind of stuff that makes it look like you do actually disrespect trans women / allies. it's the same thing a lot of bigots do when they want to depict someone as irrational, crazy, or otherwise not worth hearing out. even if you disagree with me, her, or others on this, I'd much prefer if you just talked about it rather than tell me I'm screeching and rambling and shielding and doing all of these things that make me out to be less of a person than you. this isn't an accusation, I'm just trying to explain how you're coming off so you can understand why people might still think you're being mean to trans women.
again going back to my post, my main point is the same as yours here: maybe some people here *aren't* attacking certain people just because they're trans. but they're still being really mean and targeting single individuals in a way that is upsetting to me, and feels unfair and immature. and what trans women ARE trying to say is that, intentional or not, it sucks how often it happens to them as a group, and they'd like to be given a chance to explain how that feels more often without being told they're whining, screeching, aggressive "bitches"
also like i am not "dying on a sword" for her, she is my friend who I know is not a horrible person, and so i thought it might be okay to speak up on the matter because I think people are being mean to my friend. sometimes people can talk about things without it being a sword death
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so i've asked briefcasejuice about this already but i'd also like your take too - since you're part of the daredevil tumblr fandom council and all ...
I'm writing this scene and one of my ocs asks matt if he can handle spicy food and i wanted him to explain this whole thing about pain receptors in his mouth being "sensitive"... and how he hated pineapple because of the bromelain...(the substance that breaks up the protein in your mouth, that's why it's tingly)
and then my oc asks about like regular "body" pain since touch is after all one of the senses of his that have been heightened, and he explains something along the lines of even if the feeling of pain is heightened -- his body isn't actually weaker or more sensitive - so while he gets injured like anyone else he feels the pain of those injuries differently (more). over time he has gotten used to it but its still something he's working on as he hurts himself worse with every fight.
WHAT I'M GETTING AT is that i came to @briefcasejuice about this because they're very knowledgeable about matt stuff and comic matt especially, and they told me it did sound pretty accurate - so now i guess i just want to know -
how do you interpret or view matt's sensibility when it comes to pain - and if it came up in TRT (which maybe it did and i forgot oops?) how would you write it out?
and btw - congrats on the mango thing!! what's next on the fruit discovery journey 🤨 (what else can i be shocked that you didn't try)
Ok first of I love the idea of a Daredevil tumblr fandom council, because now I've got the image of all of us gathered solemnly to talk about DD fandom topics and headcanons like
Second off, ooooh this is a good question. I can't remember if I've ever gotten deep into it in TRT, although it'll probably come up eventually. But I absolutely agree with @briefcasejuice, and with your take on it. This seems right, for a couple reasons, including my own experience with pain.
So a lot of this is based on my own issues (and one of the reasons I relate really strongly to Matt's sense of touch, touch starvation, and pain, and when writing generally include him being comforted and going near comatose beneath gentle touch). Without getting too specific, due to chronic pain and health problems, I experience something called allodynia - "pain due to a stimulus that does not normally provoke pain." Basically, my nerves are all spun up to 11 and even light sensation often reads as pain, regardless of whether I'm actually hurt - Matt's comment about 'cotton feels like sandpaper on my skin'? I get that, cause rough fabric's painful to me (another ex: put icy hot on my skin once, just about clawed it off my arm because I was convinced something had gone wrong and it was burning me). And on bad days, even very soft fabrics or, hell, a breeze, any sensation anywhere I have nerves feel like bits of glass grinding into a burn. Best explanation I have for a really bad day. And we know Matt's sense of touch is heightened. So I often think he feels a lot like me, and how you described it feels right.
Everything hurts more, even if you're not being hurt more, and even if your body's strong enough physically to take whatever's being done. Physically, there's no reason his body can't handle cotton sheets, or a food with acid, and God knows the man can take a punch. Functionally, his body is fine. But his nerves don't act that way. They send way more signals than they need to, and sure, this helps if he's trying to use them to his own advantage, but it also means he's left wide open to a far higher degree of pain from stimuli that most of us would consider more minor (pineapple, in this case) along with the pain we all regularly avoid.
Does he mostly block it out? Yes. Especially on a day to day, to the point where he may actually miss smaller injuries because he's focused on tuning out other, larger pains. I know I do - your brain eventually just goes 'oh new baseline and I still need to live so Imma put everything below it into the background so it doesn't stop us doing what we need to'. I hug people, I touch things that are rough, I use hot water with the dishes, and if I focus on it, I remember that it hurts a bit, but I've learned to tune that out for the most part. Much like me, Matt's dealt with this for years, so while he does what he can (soft sheets, avoiding certain foods, wearing certain types of clothes), he's gotten used to a lot of the day to day stuff he can't avoid, though like you said, as the injuries pile up, it just gets worse and worse as that pain stacks. Some of it might be tempered by surges of adrenaline and endorphins (why I theorize he can fight even when injured - tune it out thanks to all the practice, PLUS fighting so ferociously that his body pumps him up until he can ignore it, at least until he crashes afterwards, and crashes hard), but he's definitely feeling it far, far worse.
So I basically think it's likely, especially when pain is stacking, that he's just made a bunch of calculations for his everyday life on what's worth the pain and what isn't - certain foods? No point. Cotton sheets? No point. There is no benefit, and so he comfortably avoids it, whereas going out to fight he generally always sees as worth it since there's a tangible benefit. Those calculations at least are something we all do every day - we decide the pain of a tattoo or working out or that sour candy is worth it cause it gives us something we like. Matt just takes it up to 11. I can absolutely see him taking something like, say, pineapple - tingly and acidic - and not only feeling pain when eating it but also just literally running the mental math and going, 'yeah not worth it' because he's in enough pain day to day thanks to injuries and other things he can't avoid.
In summary: you're right and I headcanon Matt operates much like someone who's been dealing with allodynia for a while, which means he'd feel more pain from stimuli even if it's not hurting him, so he chooses things in his day-to-day to avoid and then just throws himself into the pain on big things and hopes the endorphins and adrenaline will help him tune it out.
LASTLY THANK YOU ON THE MANGO! I cannot BELIEVE I went so long without knowing how fucking delicious they were. New fruits I haven't tried that are on my list now that I realized I need to find if there are MORE DELICIOUS UNKNOWNS LIKE MANGOS: boysenberries, figs, grapefruit, guava, kumquats, passionfruit, papaya, prickly pears, and satsumas!
#daredevil#matt murdock#headcanon#allodynia#this is how i treat matt's dealing with pain anyway#i know it's not exact so i often make some adjustments#but there's just things he's said or done that resonate too much for my brain not to go 'like me??? matt is like me???'#which is strangely comforting#and so i've used a lot of personal experience to fill in the gaps on how he might operate in his day to day#and how he might function#in that he's YES more sensitive to pain even if there's not technically more pain#he just FEELS it more and his nerves TELL him it hurts more even if it's NOT hurting more#on the up (down?) side he can probably stand getting stitched up easily because he's felt way WAY more pain so it barely registers#because he's so used to tuning out even more pain so his brain's used to filing that away#BUT#when his concentration is down or he's tired that gets harder#same during injury stacking which'll only get worse as he gets older#either way he'd look at shit like pineapple and just go 'uh no that hurts I'll pass' because there's no good reason to eat it#we joke about matt's catholicism making him suffer and I joke about it too but#i think in reality he'd do these subtle little avoids for stuff like this unless he was REALLY depressed or in I Am Stick mode#or just has a good reason#and on some bad days he probably can't stand being touched tbh and would barely be able to drink room temp water (cold = pain)#at least it means the reverse it true - he'd absolutely melt beneath gentle touch or pleasant things or fleecy soft fabric#and sometimes even on bad days if you touch him *very* gently he'll tolerate the pain because he knows#that the oxytocin he gets from affectionate touch helps dull the sting just a little#(i realize this sounds bad ya'll can hug me if you see me at the con i won't turn them down i like hugs they're worth the sting)
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in honour of april fool’s day (even though its over in my timezone) and also the amount of insane shit that goes on in my life im gonna list a bunch of things that have happened to me and i want you to guess which one is a lie. i would make this a poll but i dont have those yet
when i was like 7-ish i went to the zoo with my neighbor and went to this bird show they put on and i got to race with like 20 other kids against 15 i think turkey vultures. in a footrace. the vultures outran every single one of us. also the zookeeper lady said “don’t trip and fall or they’ll start eating you!” and it scared the shit out of me
when i was in grade 3 i went on a field trip for school and on the bus home my bus driver literally got arrested for drunk driving. with like 30 8 year olds on the bus. it was like 2:45 and we (all age 8) had to stand outside for almost an hour in november. also it was like three blocks away from the school and my house was literally across the street. the distance back to school was very walkable but for some reason they made us wait for another bus to come pick us up and take us back. but the bus was one of those ones that went to each house individually and the neighborhood it operated in was literally across the main street from my school and for some reason instead of taking 5 minutes to drop us off first they made us wait an additional half hour dropping all the other kids off at home before taking us home. then i had to walk almost a km home anyways
also when i was in grade 3 we all had to take a diagnostic test to see if we could get into the gifted program. i got one (1) below the threshold for getting into it and i was so pissed. like two weeks later they changed the score you had to get to get in so they invited everyone who got close to do it again and i got a higher score than i did before but then i STILL got one below because they raised it. in hindsight i’m glad i didn’t get in because i know it would have been bad for me but i’m still so pissed about it bc of the principle of it
literally my first day working at the aviary there was a snake in one of the birds’ feeders just chilling there. we spent like half an hour trying to catch it and it scared the absolute shit out of like 7 birds
i was a niche internet microcelebrity on reddit when i was literally 12
when i was in grade 8 we had a water hydraulics project and my class was a split class with mostly 7th graders so my teacher just sort of left us alone with a bucket of little tube syringes while she did something else with the grade 7s. then i found 3 actual needles in the bucket for some reason. one of them was in that little wrapper but the other two were just loose in the bucket that we were rummaging around in. i went out to tell my teacher bc she was in a different room and she literally told me she didn’t care and to leave her alone bc she was working with the 7s (they were reading a textbook). i was like ??? but i didnt know what else to do so i just went back into the room to keep working. then this one guy grabbed one of the open needles and stabbed two different girls with the same one like uhhh what the fuck. i went out to go tell my teacher that two people had been stabbed by the same needle and she told me she didn’t care AGAIN like GIRL. honestly i wasn’t too worried about the girls because they both bullied me honestly but yk. then later the teacher came in and berated us for not telling her like I LITERALLY DID TWICE im still so mad about that honestly
when my mom and i were watching the last two episodes of ofmd together (this was before i came out) when ed and stede kissed she turned around and looked directly at me
i was in scouts when i was younger and there was exactly 5 people in my troop and it was me, 2 of my friends (one of them ended up being one of the girls that bullied me and got stabbed with a needle in grade 8), and two boys that i absolutely fucking hated. one time one of the boys said i was dumb and i threw a rock at him
when i was in kindergarten during recess i had to shit really bad and i asked the teacher on duty to let me go inside and she refused so i asked the other teacher to let me in and she didnt have keys. i tried to hold it but i could not go inside and i was 4 so i shit my pants and i was absolutely never a kid who had accidents so i didn’t know what to do and i was so embarrassed i just tried to ignore it. i just walked around for the rest of recess with a massive shit in my pants. when recess ended the teacher told us to come sit down on the carpet in a circle. you can guess what happened next
last year i had a substitute teacher for math and i ticced fuck while she was handing something out and for some reason she refused to believe me when i said i had tics. she sent me to the vice principal’s office and he didn’t believe me at first that i didn’t know what i was there for because she had sent me down for lying to him. when he did realize that i actually didn’t know what was going on he told me that she sent me down for disciplinary action so yk. he walked me back up to my class and took the teacher out in the hall to talk to her and i was losing my fucking mind with my friends for like 15 minutes while she was getting an absolute dressing down for not believing me. then when she came back in i was expecting an apology at the very least and she literally didnt. we waited for like 10 minutes and she said nothing. then my friend actually raised her hand and said she owed me an apology and this old lady started fighting for her LIFE. also she was only a little bit polite to my white friend who was standing up for me but didnt have an OUNCE of respect for either of my other friends who were standing up for me who were black and mohawk. like literally what the hell. my friend did record it though and i have that video now so
when i finally came out to my mom i was literally in a costco parking lot. my brother was in the car and he already knew bc he just guessed it ages ago and i said “did you know one in three people are gay” and my mom said “yeah i know”. also i made a cake for my dad bc he wasn’t there and he said “when do we make the ‘we know’ muffins”
i made my 13th birthday cake and right after i finished frosting it i dropped the entire thing on the ground
when i was like 4 i made a mess of paper in the kitchen and my mom told me to clean it up so i went in there and ate all of the paper
in grade 5 my teacher found out i was self harming and for some reason she decided to talk to me about it while we were doing kindergarten buddies. my kindergartener was literally just left alone in the room. i dont know why she decided to use that time
when we were selling my old house it was during covid so we had to leave during all the open houses and one time we came back from driving around the city during one and i went to the bathroom and there was a puddle of piss on the floor. some lady brought her toddler in and she pissed on the floor and she tried to clean it up with toilet paper but for some reason put it in the garbage instead of the toilet so the whole room smelled like piss
in grade 7 i was walking home from school with my partner and i guess i ate something bad and i ended up shitting my pants halfway home
someone here called me a terrorist for lying about gay sex in bathrooms
#some of you already know these for sure#theres more i just cant think of any right now#rambles#long post#best
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Do you preffer Sunny days or rainy days? Or some other Third option
Rainy days for sure! If it weren’t for the leakages in my house i wouldn’t have any complaints at all. I dunno, sunny days just don’t go well for me because i can’t stand extremely hot weather I’m use to very cold but kinda hot as well weather? Like in between. It’s strange weather. I think for me rainy days are convenient if you don’t want them flees attacking your home. In my case when it’s sunny I can assure you im very annoyed and stressed out because of this sole reason, im literally just battling a bunch of blood sucking bitches 😩 also I’ve never been a fan for sunny days because if it’s too hot i get in a bad mood, dizzy and feeling frustrated around people. But sunny days in general like just a casual sunny day? It’s okay i guess. Good excuse to go somewhere and relax, eat some ice cream or get wet outside. I sometimes just like cloudy weather; no rain meaning no messy ass mud or like some small river blocking your way from crossing the street (ngl had fun trying to cross them as a kid even if i slipped and fell inside it and ruined my clothes and shoes 😭🤣) but no sun that’ll bother your eye sight if you look outside the window. Plus cloudy weather can either assure you wind or no wind, and I like windy weather to an extent.
I’m a complicated individual malu im sorry i go either rainy or cloudy😭
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i loveee ur art its sooo expressive and it has such a 90s feel to it.. if i may ask, how do u pick ur colours? do u have a specific colour pallete u adhere to? thanks!
thanks so much :DDD im curious what might make it feel 90s 🤔 thats so interesting
anyways stuff abt coloring below
honestly i kinda just fuck around with color, technically i somewhat understand color theory but despite that im bad at choosing the right colors straight from the color wheel so a lot of times i just hsb adjust things until theyre right
ive got two different ways i color things currently:
softish shading with a marker brush in greyscale, applying too many color adjustment layers, and then coloring a little on top of the greyscale to make things not monochrome. usually i color on top of a clipping mask bc its a lot easier, which i did in the ace attorney one but not in the merlin one for ?? no reason i guess i just didnt think abt it lmao
the other way is i decide what color i wanna cast the whole drawing in and i make that the base clipping mask layer (which ive been making like. neon green a lot lately lmao) and then i block in color on top of that, and shadow color on top of that. the cybersix ones a great representation of what im doing there but its a little chaotic since all of the sketches were meant to be cropped oops. the cowboy danny phantom ones a lot cleaner of an example haha
i really like doing the second method because it also works great with lineless and also i really like comparative colors? i know theres a better phrase for it but like. when one color looks like a different color when its put in a different colored space. like when im making things green, id color blue things in the scene green and red things in the scene a muddy orangey color. or when i was really into yellow id make the blues purple. idk usually the “blue” in the scene is first color i like to figure out im not sure if its because its my favorite color or if its because i love drawing jeans but thats just how it goes lmao
oh also putting things on a or neutral bg helps to pick colors a lot easier than keeping the default white bg, i always turn it off and leave it transparent until im finished lmao. i use procreate light mode so its still rather light but not too bad
i dont really have any palettes that i intentionally adhere to, no, but i do get kind of stuck using the same colors for a few months before moving to something different. rn im very stuck on green and need to accept that not everything needs to be the grossest greens ever and ive been stuck on it for about six months? in the past i was really stuck on yellow haha
#coloring method is fuck around and find out#ask#anon#very surprised abt all these questions abt how i do things recently#not in a bad way#its just interesting#how i draw
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#anyway i hope this cements in the fact that id absolutely hate drawing these two in a romantic sense. i find the idea absolutely disgusting #not at u asker n i wont namedrop the reason for me sayin this cuz im not mean like that but there Is a reason n it made me really angry #i respect the shippers yall do yall but the moment u try to point the shit at me like that in Whatever small portion even though im very- #-clear about not likin iterator ships i Will be gettin angry. this is a warning. second time n im blocking
about these tags you wrote-- i think i may be responsible for some of this?? i'm going to stay anon because i don't know if it's me or not or anything or whatever and i feel terrible arghjgjghfdff sorry
but i know that i've certainly been a relentless sunstone propaganda-spreader. probably one of the most insistent ones out there. i know that i've jokingly spread some of this propaganda in tags i've left when reblogging posts of yours.
and i've been really bad with realizing that other might not be big fans of that until really recently. when people have directly told me so.
you'll might be able to guess who this is. and if i've made you uncomfortable in any way whatsoever than i am so so so fucking sorry.
i will go sit in the shame corner. feel free to smack me with a newspaper.
yeah, i think i recognize the text phrasing. it's most likely you and yeah it was in tags (← not meant to be aggressive)
it's okay with apology given, only request is that yeah you keep this kind of stuff in mind (and also that you are on first strike -squint- normally i'd be blockin on first misstep, but i've guessed you didn't mean any real harm by it). when someone is so clear about these kind of things it's better to not joke about it too, who knows how far their reasons go (heavens know i'm not sharing all of my reasons for my disgust at the idea of creating smth for that ship, it's too personal)
in the least you've gotten the opportunity to learn something, i suppose. though: 🗞 critical thinkin common sense combo used next time before sayin stuff, špunt
#spot says stuff#in the same tags you angered me twice actually- once with the ship the other with the current events drop.#not tryin to drive a blame shame shovel deeper here. im mentioning it so you are aware of it.#its better not to speak about current events so blatantly. im on tumblr of all places to escape having to constantly face the news about-#-That so coming and dropping a casual reminder like that was mean n quite heartless. i feel like americans fall to this very easily-#-especially when its not happening directly to them. but just look where slovakia is on the map n youll see the issue. be prudent.#tumblr isnt a news-focused place like twitter so lets not sprinkle stuff like that casually wherever.
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tw: csa, incest, emotional abuse, self harm, medical issues.
looking for advice.
tl;dr, i think my mother sexually abused me, but im confused and uncertain what to call it, and wondering how i could bring it up to my therapist. also, for anatomical context, im a 20yo nonbinary person who was assigned female at birth & my mother is a cisgender woman.
hi. i don’t really know how to start this so im sorry but im just gonna launch right in. basically, my mother did some things to me as a child that made me extremely uncomfortable, and which have definitely caused some trauma. this all occurred from since i was very young up until i was about 13. she watched me shower naked even when i was expressing discomfort to the point of tears, had me shower with her when i was too old and uncomfortable about it, often touched my genitals and put (non-medical) creams on and in them for "health reasons", would penetrate my vagina with her fingers during those sessions, and was naked around me all the time. when my dad would be away on trips, she would make me sleep in her bed with her while she was naked and make me hug her, and would ask me to sleep naked/with less clothes on too, but i always refused this. again, i told her how uncomfortable it made but it didn’t matter to her.
these experiences affected me pretty negatively - i have nightmares about being raped or a friend being raped, or about trying to escape a rapist. sometimes ive gotten so terrified of being assaulted, i would do illogical stuff like hanging crystals over my bed for "protection" (despite usually not believing in spiritual things - everyone’s beliefs are valid of course, but personally it’s not something i believe in) or block my door with shoes (which ultimately could be pushed out of the way so it wasn’t that effective, but again it was based more on fear than logic). i get really scared and shaky when someone touches me. i get flashback sensations where it feels like im being touched in private areas. i don’t even like to think about sex, though im not sure if that’s because of trauma or if im maybe just asexual.
the issue is, i don’t know if any of that counts as actual sexual abuse because i don’t know if she got any sexual pleasure out of it. yes, it affected me, and yes, shes a bad person in many other ways - but that doesn’t mean that she was intentionally sexually assaulting me.
she has emotionally abused me pretty severely throughout my entire life. most of it is just the usual stuff - calling me names, slurs, and swear words, telling me im worthless or a waste, threatening me, saying no one wants me and no one will ever believe me, etc. but there’s a few things that stand out in relation to her possible csa of me.
1) she definitely uses "health reasons" and medical stuff as an excuse for emotional abuse, so it would make sense for her to use it as an excuse for csa. for example, some of her emotional abuse involved taking me to a doctor and making me get a blood test because i was "behaving badly" and she decided that there must be something medically wrong with me for me to behave this way, so i had to get blood drawn to run tests. the tests came back perfectly fine. 2) she used to seemingly get some sort of pleasure out of watching me self harm. i used to hit and punch myself to the point of bruising, often using a piece of wood to make it worse, and she would just watch and laugh. she’d make comments about how i was crazy and how everyone would eventually find out that i was insane. in a weird way, those comments kind of encouraged me to hurt myself worse… i guess since she was so flippant about it, or because they made me hate myself more. anyway, i don’t know what she got out of all that, but it made her smile and laugh to see me hurt, so maybe she really does get some kind of strange pleasure out of messing with me, im not sure. 3) she often used me as a bit of a personal therapist, even when i was 6 or possibly younger, so it’s possible that she would just use me as a replacement for her husband when he wasn’t home. i’ve always felt like im no more than a belonging to her, an object that serves a purpose but should never have feelings of its own. she’s told me many times that she wanted a child so she would have someone to "talk at", and she’s admitted that she would get mad at me as an outlet for grief when her own mother died. if she used me for sexual/romantic reasons, it wouldn’t totally be out of character.
on the other hand, im sure it could be explained in a more innocent way. maybe she did touch me for health reasons. and she probably just didn’t care about my discomfort/fear/etc related to the showering and nakedness. it’s more likely that she simply didn’t care about my emotions, rather than her getting sexual pleasure from it. maybe it was just another part of her emotional abuse, except with weird physical contact and the violation of sexual boundaries, cause she really messed with me psychologically.
so is it still sexual abuse if the violation of boundaries and non-consensual touching of private areas wasn’t necessarily due to her being some kind of pedophile, but rather just not really caring or whatever? what even counts as sexual abuse/assault when it’s a woman doing it to another afab person? how can i explain it to my therapist when it’s all very complicated and unclear in my own head?
thank you for reading. hope you’re doing well.
Hi anon,
I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through.
I don't think that a perpetrator must derive sexual gratification in order for it to be considered sexual abuse, because intent isn't more important than impact. Sometimes genitals need to be touched for medical reasons, but it sounds like it was used as an excuse here. Even if it were "accidental" which by the repeated nature of these situations it seems otherwise, what still transpired was SA. I think also what you mentioned about the additional emotional abuse strengthens the argument that she knew what she was doing. There's no explanation for watching you shower or showering with you at an older age where this wasn't necessary. There's no explanation for being made to sleep naked with her. There's no explanation for her ignoring you expressing your discomfort with all of this. It's ultimately up to you how to name your experiences, but you can call this SA, CSA, or incest if any feel fitting to you.
I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist you can talk to about this. However you feel comfortable explaining this to your therapist is okay. You don't have to have a concise narrative, it's okay to explain it in whatever way makes most sense to you, and your therapist can explore certain parts more in order to get a more comprehensive understanding.
I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.
-Bun
#trauma talks#tw abuse#tw sa#tw child abuse#tw csa#tw incest#tw emotional abuse#tw medical abuse#tw sh#tw self harm
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