#i fucking fight tooth and nail to improve like my life depends on it
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I have a love-hate relationship with those posts that are like "if you want your friend group to do this thing, be the one to organize that thing!" "you have to be the one to text first" "if you want genuine friendships, the fact is that you have to put in the work." I get it, yeah, and I agree, connections come easier when you're reaching out. but I have spent my entire life in draining, one-sided, often toxic relationships, desperately putting every last ounce of my energy into maintaining and improving relationships that I never get anything close to the same amount of effort out of. it is fucking exhausting. boyfriends, best friends, family members, I have had to fight, tooth and nail, to have a fulfilling relationship with. and the vast majority of those relationships don't exist anymore, because the second my effort level dropped, the relationship evaporated, because the other person wouldn't pick up the slack and we just weren't able to recover, no matter what I did.
I am tired. so, so tired, and so, so lonely, but I just can't make myself do it anymore. I can't make myself text another group chat and get ignored day after day. if I get another "sorry for the late reply, I'm not available at that time but can we reschedule :)" text two days after I send an invite, I'm going to implode. I've had enough of clinging to people that can't even reach for me. I've had enough of vain attempts at arranging get togethers. I've had enough of being the organizer, the first texter, the planner, the rock. I can't even stand making small talk in my classes anymore, because the second I stop, the whole table goes silent.
I've never had a friend that wasn't either using me, or someone I felt responsible for. I've never had a friend I could depend on, because the ones I could bring my problems to either brushed them off or used them to manipulate me, and the others I needed to be there for, so I couldn't make them feel like I wasn't capable of doing so. I've never had a friend willing to put the same amount of effort into our relationship, even for a little while, as I was routinely putting in just to keep it alive. I know there are people out there who would. I know there are people out there who could be everything I've ever wanted in a friend, a partner, whatever. I'm just tired.
I can't do it anymore. I can't continue to be the one to do the work. I think about those goddamn posts every time I wish my lab mates were more talkative, my project group would actually meet in person, my coworker would text or even ask for my instagram. I know I don't have friends because I don't try to make friends. but I'm sick of it. and I say that and I still try. but every time I realize I'm the only one really conversing, and the three people at my lab table are just giving me "uh huh's" and "that's crazy's," it feels like getting punched in the gut. every time I send a message to my shitty roommates and it goes unanswered for days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I am burning myself up just trying to find someone to get lunch with me.
I don't understand how other people do it. the mental illness probably isn't helping. but I no longer put any more effort into my friendships than I'm getting back, and it's depressing as hell that I can already see them fading. I stop trying to reach out to new friends when they aren't doing the same for me. I cried three times writing this stupid post, and all I can think about is how this might make me toxic, or lazy, or in some other way the problem. maybe it does. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I can't do it anymore. maybe I'm being unrealistic. maybe I'm doing something wrong. I don't know.
but just once, I want someone to put in the effort for me.
#maybe that just makes me human#i dont know#is this a vent or a rant or whatever#don't know that either#anyways#bye
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Anyway, my sleep schedule is very out of whack so I'm going to bed now
You might think my mood is just me being sleepy, but I'm just very tired of how things are in the world. I'm tired of things not getting fixed
For example, we could have stopped russia when they were butchering people in Chechnya... or Syria... or there's just so many places that you find out they were doing the same things over and over and over that you hadn't heard about, and now they're doing the exact same war crimes in Ukraine
But no, not only do people at the top let it happen this time, they try and wiggle into the same old appeaser bullshit that didn't stop russia any other time. Ukraine should just cede territory, because that clearly fixed the problem after russia annexed territory last time
They fight tooth and nail to keep the status quo even when the status quo is death. The russian gas funded war crimes and they didn't care, they fight to keep it that way now. Hell, Germany went and decommissioned nuclear plants if I remember, which just made them more dependent on russia
It's the same damn story with all of it. Politics, healthcare, the economy, the environment... just leave it alone because even if it's a trashfire that doesn't work, some people at the top benefit from it and it might be tough to make changes so lets not even try and talk about what changes we can make
It's been nothing but everyone sitting on their hands since before I was born. I mean what do you think the hippie movement was, it was young people back then saying the same shit I'm saying now, and... I don't know how much more good I'll do than that they did
This isn't to be pessimistic. This isn't to say nothing has improved, that past attempts did nothing, that change is impossible
This isn't saying it's not worth it and to just give up. This isn't saying not to bother with voting, or volunteering, or organizing, unionizing, whatever...
It's just to say I'm tired and so much more could have been done by now, and that we've all been screwed over by assholes at the top, and that to an extent... how do I want to put this that isn't some carbon footprint bullshit?
While the people on top are largely to blame, certainly the way the average person chooses to act lets the systems remain unchanged. To take a relatively pleasant example, disney's been shit on so many levels for so long releasing progressively more generic trash, and yet they're more on top than ever because for some reason people keep going and seeing even their worst movies
People keep supporting even the worst politicians, keep buying from even the worst companies (nestle). It sucks, it just really sucks. I'm not asking for people to be like... perfect, but my god, sometimes it feels like so many people won't even cut one single awful thing out of their life because they just find it all to convenient
Once again, this isn't some bleak criticism of human nature, it's me saying I think humans are mostly good... so why the fuck is it all going so wrong, and why the fuck do smart and kind people so often behave so stupid and cruelly?
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bitter thoughts.
i think nothing quite irritates me as much as not being truly listened to. i try so hard to make the effort to understand myself and reflect deeply and communicate my feelings to people and it feels like people just swat it away.
as if it was easy for me to do all the work of learning how my brain works. as if it’s easy for me to explain myself and make myself vulnerable. everything i do takes so much effort and people assume it all comes naturally and easily. and sometimes it’s backfired but im so determined to continue being soft, continue being vulnerable, continue trusting people with my mind. but by god people do not make it easy.
anyway it just hurts me? so much.
it feels like i’ve made this great huge piece of art and people walk by like “hm. yeah that’s nice! but ur just naturally talented im sure it was so easy for u. i could never do that lol”. im not naturally anything. I’m naturally curious and determined and everything else i have are things i fucking built for myself.
#just because i did it doesnt mean its any easier for me than it is for everyone else#and people say such invalidating things and id have a feeling they think i somehow did less work#obviously people have varying degrees of trauma and unpleasant life experiences#but at the same time#i do have my own BaggageTM and i dont like using it as an excuse to avoid doing the work to grow#i am objectively more mature than most people my age so it makes sense that other people my age seem immature#but even adults are so frustrating#how the fuck are you all just okay with hurting people constantly because its too difficult to change behaviors#i fucking fight tooth and nail to improve like my life depends on it#genuinely baffled that the number of ppl ive met that actively improve themselves w/out constant external pressure is in the single digits#and i helped raise one of them#my friend is stressed and reevaluating his entire life plan bc its started affecting his personal relationships#and that’s where he draws a solid line#and im happy for his gf that her talking to him actually resulted in him taking it seriously and working so hard to find a solution#bc i wanted that. with friends and family and relationships#but i guess me being unhappy is my fault and my problem to fix
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soft asks! so lovely!! 4, 13, 21 (bonus points if it’s in the format of the scene in himym where ted runs to the mothers apartment because he wants the extra days), 25 and 28! - maggie (I’m on mobile and it’s easier to send asks this way)
MAGGIE HI THERE IT'S BEEN SUCH A LONG TIME
4. what flower would you like to be given? daisies or sunflowers!!!! my favorites. omg !!! i officially have new favorite flowers!!!!!!! that's VERY exciting
13. what’s your comfort food? mac and cheese!!! i would murder several human beings and potentially an animal for some fucking mac and cheese right now. other options include matzo ball soup and mashed potatoes.
21. if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be? (first of all how dare you bring up that scene that only really hit when i just watched it on my rewatch because obviously the first time i watched the show i didn't understand the Significance and when i watched it this time i wanted to cry) (that being said ill try my best to do justice to that scene)
well, i'd grab my keys and get in the car and drive hours into the night until i finally got back to my house - not the way it looks now, but the way it looked in 2016, when it was smaller and hadn't yet been renovated and i was still a sad lonely depressed kid who talked to her imaginary friend with concerning regularity - and i would burst through the front door and take the steps to the basement where my bedroom used to be and knock on my bedroom door and when the me from 2016 opened it up i'd say:
"you're going to be okay. look at me. look at how much better i look. let me tell you about some amazing people you're going to meet, people that are going to make you believe in soulmates. you're going to hit a low and then you're going to keep going, and eventually, sweetheart, you're going to start getting better, and one day you're going to be sitting in a bed at the summer camp you're still fighting tooth and nail against attending this summer, and you're going to be working there. and it's going to be one of your favorite places. and you're going to make this exact same trip i've just made, and you'll look yourself in the face like i am right now and you'll tell yourself that you're going to be okay and you will know for a fact that it's true, because you'll be me, and you'll know that i'm not lying, and you'll realize it was worth it to be miserable so you could learn to be grateful for the good things; you'll realize it was worth it to almost lose your best friend, one you don't even have yet, so you could learn that you can be the villain too, sometimes, and that what's even more important than being good is acknowledging when you're wrong and becoming better; you'll realize that it was worth it to be so unhappy so that you could truly become a person who tries her hardest to minimize the unhappiness around her however she can. you're gonna get there. trust me. you have to trust me, because i'm there, and it's so good here."
(did i do it justice)
25. what’s the best personal gift someone could give you (playlist, homemade card, etc.) it's not a thing yknow? it just depends on the person and the circumstance. the best personal gift someone could give me is, you know, something i would clearly benefit from or something that would improve an area of my life that i want to improve, but something i don't even know i want or need. i think that kind of gift indicates that the person has been paying attention to me so that they know what i like and they know what i need to make the thing i like better. if that makes sense. like sam got me this insulated travel mug and it's perfect and suits my needs exactly because i'm at camp and i'm so busy and i'm running around so much but also, tea!!! and it's the fact she knew that about me and got me something that enabled my tea habit............yknow, it's that kind of thing. for the record sam that was in fact the perfect gift. so thank you <3
28. hugs or hand-holding? oh! uhhhhh hugs, i think.
soft asks
#i went so hard on 21 and im so sorry but in my defense. i JUST finished watching the show.#literally 25 minutes ago#so i am in full emo brain mode rn lmao#and now i MUST go because i have just been promised DONUTSSSSSS#BYE#ask#anonymous#maggie#its the way the length of these answers varies so wildly#a real rollercoaster here
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To the Good Place We Go (p.2)
part two! (sorry about errors totally didn’t read over this)
credit goes to @gluupor for the idea! link to their the good place au here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16782301
warning: aftg typical violence
part one here: http://jemejem.tumblr.com/post/182518320202/to-the-good-place-we-go
“I don’t belong here.” His voice shook. He imagined his father was looking up from the Bad Place, grinning like the mad-man he was. Neil was delivering himself into hell, because it was the right thing to do. His morals had been warped and distorted on Earth. If he was going to spend eternity suffering, he might as well make himself feel better by doing it honourably.
Also, he wanted to prove Andrew wrong. But that was besides the point.
Three-hundred and twenty-one residents, an omnipotent ethereal being and a walking Wikipedia stared at him in shock.
“Well.” Wymack clapped his hands together. “Dismissed, everyone!” He crooked a finger at Neil, and he felt his heart clambering to get out of his chest as he shuffled forward. He tried not to flinch as Wymack’s fingers brushed over his shoulder, and in less than a blink, they were standing in his office. Wymack rounded the desk and grabbed a stress ball off the desk and propping his feet up on the oaken edge, throwing it up and catching it repeatedly.
“Well?” Wymack offered him the chair. Neil sat. “What do you have to say for yourself?”
“I didn’t try to get in or hack the system somehow.” Neil murmured. “I’m not a mole. It’s a complete mistake.”
“Ha. A human, hacking into the universe? Very interesting. Very impossible. You humans are so strange.” He caught the ball, took his feet off the desk and leaned forward. “Neil Josten, you’ve been chosen as a candidate for MPP. The Middle Place Project. Nicky!”
“Yes?” Nicky had blooped into existence next to him.
“Strike Neil Josten off the Test One list.” Wymack’s smile was small but warm.
“That was a test?” Neil said testily. Wymack held out his hands.
“Honesty is an integral part of being a good person. You, out of everyone, are the most practised liar. Eight years on the run, twenty-two identities—I’m surprised you aren’t having an identity crisis.”
“Same.” Neil muttered. In all honesty, he was glad to have died as Neil Josten. Neil Abram Josten. Out of everyone he’d been, Neil was his favourite.
“If you can come forward, in front of the entire neighbourhood nonetheless, then I’m sure the rest will follow.” He cleared his throat. “The Middle Place Project is proving that humans are capable of change, whether it be improving, or failing. There’s a few in the midst of the neighbourhood that we’re watching to see whether or not you can improve from your characteristic behaviours on earth.”
“Will we get into the Good Place if you do?”
“Maybe in five-thousand years.” Wymack promised. “If I can manage to convince my superiors of your genuine progress.”
“Right.” Neil drawled. “Five-thousand years. No biggie.”
He glared at Neil with intense scrutiny, but somehow, Neil was unafraid of this ethereal being. He was giving Neil a chance, wasn’t he?
“Well?” Wymack grouched. “What are you still doing here?”
“What am I supposed to—“
“Figure it out, Josten. Just don’t tell anyone it’s a test. Got it?”
He pursed his lips. “Cool. Yeah. Got it.”
Wymack watched him, unimpressed, as he shuffled towards the door. Neil shot Wymack a quick grimace as he slipped out.
He blew his bangs out of his face with relief. Andrew stood in the waiting room, arms crossed and eyes barely slits. “So?”
“I’m alive.” He twinkled his fingers. “See?”
“Actually,” Nicky piped up.
“Shut up, Nicky.” They both ground out.
“Test forty-seven!” Wymack clapped his hands. “We’re finally getting into the good stuff. Ethical responsibility!”
Neil threw a troubled glance at Andrew, who, of course, stared impassively back. Ethics?
“What’s sitting in a classroom gonna do about our ethics.” Seth grunted.
Neil had decided he disliked Seth intensely. It was something about the constant fits of anger, irrational judgements and toxic intolerance to everything that wasn’t Allison’s tits or Adderall.
“Well, actually,” Kevin chided. Wymack snapped his fingers, effectively muting Kevin. The young man tried to scream in horror, but slumped in his chair with defeat.
“We’re going to be learning about some of your moral philosophisers and interpret what they had to say about what’s right and wrong. How about some basic questions, hm? Just to gage where each of you at.”
This wasn’t going to go well.
It was fine, wasn’t it? They had, what, five-thousand years?
“These first few should be simple.” Wymack picked a clipboard off his desk. “Let’s see. Neil?”
He looked up at the towering, omnipotent being. “What?”
“Is murder good or bad?”
Neil shrugged. “Depends.”
Wymack looked a little dismayed. “Andrew?”
Andrew jerked his thumb at Neil. “What he said. For example, Seth is a perfect example of why murder isn’t always bad.”
Neil grinned at him, and liked the way a spark of amusement glinted in his eye. Seth was probably clambering out of his chair to haul himself at Andrew in a fit of rage, but Neil wasn’t watching. He simply appreciated the sunlit hair that shone like spun gold, and the perfect understanding shared between them.
Their benevolent guardian simply dragged a hand over his face as his classroom dissolved into chaos.
“Good morning, son.”
Neil opened his eyes slowly. He was sleeping in a double bed, his double bed, in his cottage. In the afterlife. He was in the Middle Place. His name was Neil Josten. He had died at the age of 19. He played striker. His soulmate was Andrew Minyard.
Sitting upright, he saw Andrew standing at the opposite end of his bed. There was a young man standing behind him with a vicious glean to his eye; He had his chin hooked over Andrew’s shoulder.
Andrew was gagged, hands cuffed behind him. His feet were bare: His skin shone with sweat as his muscles convulsed. There were bruises blossoming under his skin: He’d put up a serious fight. How was he bruising? Could you be hurt in the afterlife?
“I said, good morning.”
Slowly, Neil craned his neck around. All six-feet of his father were craned over the edge of his bed, one fist denting the mattress and the other wrapped around Neil’s neck. He was looking at a mirror image, the eyes and the hair and the sadistic smile. Thick fingers tightened around Neil’s windpipe.
“Young Drake Spear was promoted to help me. It’s time to collect our rewards for such excellent work down in the Bad Place.” His grin was that of a wolfs.
“Fitting.” Neil wheezed out. Honestly, he was terrified. The thought of eternity trapped with the unending methods of his father was enough to wish that there was a way for Neil to die and end up in a further layer of the afterlife.
His father only laughed. The last thing he remembered noticing was Andrew closing his eyes. For a moment, it looked as though an angel was praying.
Dan crouched down, back to the wall. In her hand was a magnetic clamp, ready for Bad Nicky. It’d render him useless, and they couldn’t let Nathan Wesninski, Drake Spear or Riko Moriyama have access to him. They were powerful enough as it was.
Kevin was bone-white beside her. It had to have been years since he saw Riko Moriyama. Neil and Andrew weren’t the only ones facing their old demons today.
The man who’d stabbed Dan in the back had been boiling in a pit of acid. The demon in charge of the tank flashed a grin at her. “Want to join him?”
Aaron’s mother had leapt out at him from a shuffling line of prisoners, grabbing for fists of his hair and screaming. She hadn’t been able to tell which twin it was, mixing up the names as she spasmed with hysteria. Aaron had clutched his arms to his stomach and hurried away.
With Dan and Aaron’s close calls, Renee knew it was every possibility that her old gang leader had heard the commotion the group had caused and would want to connect with the girl who ended his life in a knife fight. Renee was clutching her rosary, praying as every demon brushed by her.
God, was Dan exhausted. Matt, Aaron and Seth had all been lured with narcotics. Then Matt got into a fight with a security guard, and Seth backed him up. Then someone insulted Allison as she was trying to flirt her way through a checkpoint, and she’d clawed their eyes out with her nails, but gotten bust up at a result.
So yeah. Not a great time for any of them.
“This is it, kid.” Wymack warned. “We’ve got a window of thirty seconds to get them out of there.”
Dan nodded.
A young man left the room, meaning Bad Nicky was watching over Andrew and Neil. Dan rolled out from her hiding position and bolted at the black-clad man standing in front of her. She whacked the cuffs on, stunning the look of contempt right out of those big brown eyes. He stumbled, turning around to look at her.
“Oh my god,” Allison cackled. “Bad Nicky is a straight, fuck-boy version of Nicky?”
It was true. He was wearing a flat-cap, backwards, and a big grey hoodie underneath a leather jacket. His jeans were torn and he wore stupid, stereotypical boots. He had a tattoo of a girl with her tongue between her fingers on his neck, and a gold-capped tooth.
“Hell.” He slurred. “You got me. Ha-aahh.”
Nicky was staring at himself with horror. “Disgusting.”
“Andrew,” Kevin faltered. “Where’s Neil?”
Andrew was sitting up, both hands chained to the bedposts behind him. He was blindfolded, his clothes in tatters and bloodied. Aaron rushed forward, dragging Nicky with him. The chains were cut and Dan watched Aaron murmur something to Andrew as he tore his blindfold off.
“We have to go.” Andrew said, fierce. Dan had never seen him so angered. “I know where Neil is.”
Matt grabbed bad Nicky and hauled him over his shoulder. The group filed out, lead by Andrew, Aaron surprisingly right on his heels. Despite the obvious abuse, he was legging it down the hallway. With the chaos of the Bad Place, the rag-tag team and their badges had looked like nothing more that a bunch of demons. With a Bad Nicky incapacitated and over Matt’s shoulder, they were running out of time. Andrew somehow had perfectly memorised the route to Neil’s cell.
They were almost there, when Andrew staggered to a holt. The young man they’d seen leaving the room earlier was standing in front of them. Aaron acted too quickly, brandishing a knife and jumping the guy. The knife buried itself into the man’s chest. Dan gasped.
“I won’t let him touch you again.” Aaron promised his twin. “Go.”
Andrew said nothing, instead shoving his way through a metal door on the left just metres past.
The demons present whirled upon their entrance. Dan felt her blood boil as she saw Neil in a chair, head hung. He couldn’t even lift his head to see who’d appeared.
“Wesninski, these humans are mine.” Wymack growled. “Give them back. They’re official property of the Middle Place.”
“Oh, oops.” The man—who did look scarily similar to Neil—grinned at the younger boy. Riko Moriyama. “It’s almost as though demons have to follow rules. Incredible.”
Riko had no eyes for anyone but Kevin. Kevin, who stood with his chin up and broad shoulders as he stared the other boy down.
“I’ll oversee your retirement myself, you rotten sack of sadistic fuckery.” Wymack snarled, stepping forward with Nicky at one side and Andrew at the other. “Back down. Now.”
“Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.” Riko clucked his tongue. “It’s so nice to see you. Such a shame that we’re opposed like this, brother.”
“I’m nothing like you.” Kevin rasped. “I’m going to go to the Good Place.”
“Why bother?” Riko leered. “When you can have so much more power, down here? They recruit the worst, you know. I was just human too. Now look at me.” He lifted his hand, and Neil spasmed, head flung back and mouth open in an aborted scream.
That was the precise moment that everything went to shit — as if everything hadn’t already gone to shit. Wymack launched at Wesninski: Andrew was hurling towards Riko, and the rest were attempting to shut the door on the copious amounts of demonic spawn trying to get a better look.
Dan was desperately trying to get someone’s attention but the only one who listened to her was Renee. That was ultimately futile, because Allison was thrown aside and Renee, obviously lost her shit. Even the faithful had their breaking points.
Kevin was desperately clawing for Neil to break him free: Andrew was brawling with Riko with a desperation that had Riko shaken, Wesninski was waving a knife in Wymack’s general direction, Matt was thrown over a demon’s shoulder and causing a ruckus, Seth was yelling and Allison was wiping furious tears off her face, snatching a knife off Renee.
Wesninski threw the knife. Riko threw himself at Neil. The door was thrown open.
“ENOUGH.” Nicky screamed, standing in the middle of the room.
Everyone froze.
“I’ve been through a lot, today!” Nicky’s voice was so shrill that Dan would have winced if she weren’t completely stiff. “I’ve hauled almost a dozen of you shits through portals, this way and that way. I’ve been running faster than I’ve ever had to run in my life, because I don’t run, I teleport! My husband’s disappeared because he wasn’t compatible with the Bad Place, I’m not meant to be this emotionally distraught because I’m just a machine, and now this?” He gasped. “I. Am. Flabbergasted. It’s my favourite human word, and that’s what I am right now. Not only have you—“ He pointed to Wesninski. “Defied basic laws by having a child with a human, you’ve been recruiting humans! Gracious, do you know the worst part of this entire shit-fuckery?” His voice raised into a scream once more. “I have to live out the rest of my eternal existence knowing that Bad Nicky is a straight fuck-boy!”
“That’s the worst part?” Neil said, weakly, his voice raw with screaming. “Well, gee, Nicky. I missed you too.”
“So,” Nicky continued. “I’m going to unfreeze my friends. Friends. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. And we’re going to leave. And am going to report your demonic asses to the new Lord Ichirou of the underworld, and I hope you live in agony for eternity. Now, if you’ll excuse me,” He snapped his fingers and Dan almost collapsed, if it weren’t for Matt holding her up. “We’re leaving.”
Andrew hauled Neil to his feet, clutching the taller boy to his side in a fit of possessiveness.
Dan stood by the door as she counted her crew out of Neil’s cell, watching Nicky carve an angry path through the mob of frozen demons. She glanced over her shoulder to see Kevin glaring at Riko.
“Kevin,” Dan started.
The man slapped Riko so hard that Riko’s head shifted, even with Nicky’s freeze power. Or whatever the fuck that was.
“You deserve so much worse than hell.” He said, calmly, before marching out the door. Dan followed him, squeezed his shoulder. His look was not as confident as he’d been momentarily ago, but he offered her a shaky smile.
“Let’s go home.” Wymack said, tiredly slinging an arm around Nicky’s shoulders.
They all smiled faintly, and with a nod, they were on their way home.
“How’d you do in the Trolley exam?”
Andrew glared at the sun. It was still peering over the horizon, the endless rolling hills, trying in vain to grasp a few more minutes of illumination. It turned the sky into a brilliant palette of purples and blues.
He wanted to shove Neil off the roof of this stupid house, but he probably wouldn’t even break a bone. He had been sleeping in Neil’s grossly cramped cottage for a few months, where there was only one room and Andrew had been donated the couch. They’d razed Andrew’s old house to the ground a few weeks back. That had been great fun.
The reason he wanted to shove Neil off was murky, but he knew part of it was because Neil provided him a tether: To stay in the Middle Place, to try and achieve Good Place status with everyone else, to stop himself from marching down and delivering himself into greedy hands. It didn’t matter if Drake and Wesninski and Riko were gone. Hell would still suck.
He hated it.
But he also couldn’t cut the rope.
“I ran you over. It was very satisfying.”
They corner of Neil’s mouth quirked. Andrew hated that too. He hated Neil’s stupid red curls and brilliantly blue eyes. They were sparkling in the sunset, each freckle and scar glossed with a decadent shade of gold. “What was it between?”
“You and nothing. I think I’m a bit behind in class.”
Again, the quirk of the mouth.
Truthfully, the choice had been between Neil and Aaron. Because they were all already dead and this was just a theory, Andrew knew it didn’t matter. But still, he’d found himself torn. Usually apathetic and uninterested, he was placed in the simulation and felt a strange thrumming in his. ear. His heartbeat. Quickening.
Aaron was his brother. He had promised Aaron protection. Aaron had gotten them both killed. Aaron ignored his conditions and went out with Katelyn, and lied about it. Aaron was his brother. Andrew died protecting Aaron from their mother. Aaron had stabbed Drake for him. Aaron was his brother.
But Neil was his other. Neil listened. Neil smiled. Neil was honest with Andrew. Neil was relaxed with Andrew. Neil looked at Andrew in a way that made Andrew felt as though he was coming undone, unravelling at the seams. Neil could see Andrew. Neil understood Andrew.
He’d only had a split second left to decide.
He’d chosen Neil over Aaron.
“Yes or no?”
Neil narrowed his eyes. “To what?”
“A kiss.”
The word sounded so delicate out of Andrew’s mouth. He felt delicate, exposed and raw to Neil’s understanding gaze. All this studying of ethics and morality and those stupid philosophers was getting to Andrew’s head. The question yes or no was balanced on a scale, the decision between forever and never ultimately resting on Neil’s final answer. Andrew fucking hoped it was a yes.
Death made one’s apathetic resolve melt like ice sometimes.
Gosh, he was a miserable forking sap. It was disgusting.
Neil smiled, so hesitant that it was almost unnoticeable. But Andrew saw it. Maybe Andrew understood Neil, too. “Yes.”
Fork the Good Place. Andrew was already there.
once again, credit goes to @gluupor /// link to their the good place au here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16782301
hope u enjoyed!
#the good place#neil josten#andrew minyard#the good place au#andreil#the foxes#all for the game#aftg#david wymack#dan wilds#the foxhole court#part two#jem writes
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Preparing to Travel Abroad Alone at 18
Turning 18 and beginning my gap year planning, I’m faced with the realities of “traveling alone.” My parents are against it, random relatives are praying for me, everything is so expensive, and what am I actually doing? It took a while for me to reconcile being my own support system because of my parents’ disapproval, but I am ready for this experience.
In September I will be going to Balgue, Nicaragua for 3 months to intern with an organization called Project Bona Fide. My internship is focused on sustainable agriculture and herbal medicine. I’ll be learning permaculture practices, tending the herb garden, and attempting to create a local shop for the farm’s herbal remedies. This in tandem with improving my Spanish and participating in the many workshops and excursions at the PBF Farm.
I got into contact with PBF and this internship through an organization called Omprakash, which matches volunteers and interns with nonprofits and other organizations worldwide. They provide an incredible pre- and post-departure support team, with an online classroom dedicated to global development and volunteerism. Through them I am doing crowdfunding for my trip, getting discounted travel insurance, and have a mentor! I really recommend their organization for anyone looking to travel abroad and have it be more than a vacation.
There are multitudes to my gap year, I will be completing my yoga teacher certification, returning to Antigua, and possibly doing a volunteer trip through Omprakash. It really all depends on my finances and flexibility, but I’ll keep you all posted!
So I’m Caribbean. The only time I’ve traveled alone is to my mother’s home island and country Anguilla. And that was to stay with my aunt the entire trip, and travel back with an older cousin of mine. I know the ins and outs of air travel from going to Anguilla and Antigua with my family all throughout my life, so this shouldn’t be that daunting right?
Right! I am excited to not have to juggle 3 bags because we always bring things for family and to be able to stick to my schedule. I am flying to Managua in September, where I will meet up with 2+ other interns and we will travel together to the PBF farm. Thereafter, I will be with PBF staff, interns, volunteers, and the surrounding community.
Oh, but it is that daunting. As I mentioned I’m Caribbean, and my parents are fighting me tooth and nail to get me to call off this trip. I can do another post about why I am going to take a gap year at all if you’d like. Their concerns are rooted in safety, which I acknowledge. I’ve always wanted to take Krav Maga defense art classes, and will likely be doing so sooner rather than later to appease them.
Human trafficking is a very real threat, and tourists are such easy targets. Literally fuck being a tourist. I hate the idea of walking into a new place ready to drop a ton of US money, look stupid, and appreciate the scenery more than the people around you. So many people that travel and volunteer do not have this attitude but you will always note the tourists in any place you go.
Making yourself into a target is a for sure way to get pickpocketed and even kidnapped not only in Central America, but all over the world. I advise you not to be flashy with money or gadgets, and to just enjoy your time without taking a photo of everything.
Some other tips I’ve made up or come across for keeping yourself and your shit safe:
Get a money belt thing, its like a flat fanny pack u can wear under your clothes to make it way harder to pickpocket
Know where you are going, download the google maps in wifi BEFORE you even leave for your trip
Do not look at your map on the street, rather duck into a store or cafe (looking lost makes you a target)
If you have a daypack and are going through a busy area wear it on your front
Try to know as much as you can of the language where you are going (being confused makes you a target)
Make a female friend, ask them where not to go and safe areas
Do not have both headphones in in public places
Snap a picture of your cab’s license plate before you get in it.
If you stop to buy tickets or anything where your attention is away, put your bag between your legs or in between your body and the counter instead of beside you
Don’t feel guilty about saying no to anything
Know how to use the emergency call function on your phone, for if you have no service or wifi
Have scheduled calls with someone back home
I plan on using all of these tips myself, and will be documenting my gap year travels here and on youtube (videos coming soon)
I am also new to blog-type posts, so any feedback or constructive criticism is welcome, stay safe and love you all!
#sleepynovice#travel#intern abroad#gap year#omprakash#project bona fide#nicarague#isla de ometepe#balgue#solo travel#woc travel#woc#spanish#learning spanish#volunteer#volunteer abroad#intern#sustainable agriculture#permaculture#herbal medicine#herbal garden#18#human trafficking#safety#travel safety#woman travelling#natural#travel blog
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Ejector Seat
I’ve been thinking about the previous entry for a few days now... the idea of a self driving economy kept on the rails by the collective smarts of all the learning algorithms out there, whose prime directive is to keep the money moving...
And then it occurred to me yesterday that, even if this were true, things could still be screwed up by something like an arbitrary and pointless trade war with the nations who produce most if not all of the stuff that keeps this modern economy moving... namely, the smart phones themselves, as well as all the products we can use those phones to buy at low low prices.
Trumps insane tariff policies, will eventually result in a fairly painful (if totally artificial) inflation on the cost of all those things, which will eventually result in far less consumer spending... which in turn will result in a recession.
And because he is not sane, Trump will respond to the recession by doubling down on the tariffs... turning that recession into a global depression.
Now, before I go any further, I have to address an elephant in the room here... And it’s that the current economy, which has been doing so well for so long, has been pretty bad for many parties involved... such as the low wage global workforce who produces most of the stuff we buy for those low low prices, and also wage stagnation here in America... not to mention the huge education bubble... the growing problem of rent inflation... and of course, climate change!
But outside of America, we were, and still are, working on those problems. There is an argument that low wage factory work in developing nations, while not ideal, in terms of wages or working conditions... still lifts those people out of poverty and... can be seen as a stepping stone to their future prosperity much as factory work during the industrial revolution paved the way for the following generations to enjoy better working conditions, wages, and general quality of life.
That’s far from a guarantee, but it’s possible with the right focus.
Other issues, such as wage stagnation, and the education, rent, and healthcare bubbles... are purely American problems. Most if not all other first world nations either never had those problems, or have solved them by now.
Which leaves climate change... where again, most of the world is on board for addressing the problem, both short and long term.
So... excluding failed states that aren’t really in the game right now... the global economy, while far from perfect, is a work in progress that could become far more fair and equitable over time...
...with the exception of America (and I guess, England too) where legacy political issues such as racism and unbridled corporate greed are currently fighting tooth and nail to stay relevant in this new century that is leaving them behind.
But, putting them to one side for a moment, we can see that our self driving economy... such that it is... could be bad, if it refuses to allow any further change... keeping rent and education forever too high, and foreign factory wages forever too low, while we blindly destroy all the planet’s resources and turn the atmosphere into an oven.
However... because this is ultimately an economy driven by social media... there is a built-in flexibility to accommodate the ever shifting desires of a collective human population, around the globe, who very much want life to become more fair and equatable... from the top of the ionosphere, to the street level, down to the bottom of the underground mine.
So if you accept that premise, as I do, then the collective AI acting as an auto-pilot for this economy... is a good thing... that will not become a bad thing down the road.
TLDR: Even if our modern economy is problematic, the self driving aspect does not damn it to remaining problematic forever, because the self driving aspect is designed to learn and change according to the collective will of all global consumers, rich and poor alike.
In fact, the poor, I would argue, have more leverage than the rich, because... well, they vastly outnumber the rich, for one thing... and they spend those pennies as fast as they get them... while the rich mostly sit on their piles of cash.
Those collective pennies from the 99% amount to far more money, pulsing through the veins of the economy on a daily basis... with the number of individual transactions being... what... in the quadrillions or something a day?
When your self driving feature is a learning algorithm... it can only learn from a transaction.
They literally look at your transaction history, to try and suggest more things you’re likely to be interested in, and if that leads to another transaction... bingo! It has learned!
Far more of that is going on with low income consumers every day... than with the rich... who often try to launder their money and mask the few fat transactions they do make... leaving them out of that cyber learning loop.
Their fat cat financial decisions, more and more as time goes on, will be determined by the nuanced concerns of the 99%, who determine which investments are sound, and which are folly.
Alright! So, lets get back to Donald Trump, noted racist and friend to the greedy... who is also batshit crazy.
He’s in power because of the first two things, but his tariff policy is all that third thing. It’s not really racist or greedy. The racists and the greedy never asked for any tariffs. It’s truly just... batshit lunacy coming out of the cartoonish depths of his plaque ridden synaptic structures.
He heard somewhere that tariffs are a thing bossy presidents used to do, a hundred years ago, and then he heard some other lunatic on AM radio say they were some kind of a solution for white supremacy and... he just seized on that and now he will just never let it go.
As I said in the opening, this is the one kind of thing that could short circuit the self driving economy and cause it to crash like all other economies before it.
However, in the previous entry, I noted that thus far, the economic auto pilot has been doing a freakishly good job of just ignoring his inputs to the pedals and the steering wheel.
I say, “freakishly,” because the result has been huge stock market spikes one day, followed by huge dips the next... for a year now... with the net result that nothing much has changed, because the spikes and dips cancel each other out.
It’s terrifying to watch from one day and week to the next... but on the other hand... it’s been a whole year of this and... we’re still fine!
To be clear here, these are spikes and dips on a stock market chart... they are not spikes and dips in your or my bank balance... or in the prices for the things we buy... because they are happening waaaay to fast.
An apt analogy would be... I come into your living room and flip the lights on and off, fifty thousand times per second, for a whole hour. Will you notice?
Well, considering that your alternating current cycles them on and off already at the rate of sixty thousand times per second (if you live in the US) no! You will not fucking notice any change in the brightness of your lights in the living room.
Okay, yes!.. your light switch would break if I did that... possibly leaving you in the dark. But your light switch is a mechanical component.
The switches and buttons Trump is exercising like mad every waking minute with his daily tweet storms and policy contortions... are all digital... powered by redundant servers all around the planet, sitting in air conditioned rooms, with surge protectors and back up generators.
So... simply overheating the self driving mechanisms our economy, by working them to death trying to compensate for an unending barrage of violent inputs... is not possible.
AI algorithms exist independent of any one server, drive, card, or chip... and the internet as a whole is built to withstand daily attacks from global electrical storms and natural disasters, solar storms, and a never ending assault on the power grid from the world’s squirrels.
So, the economy is quite safe from his day to day insanity.
The question is... is that self driving infrastructure clever enough to deal with the long term, artificial inflation that his tariffs will impose upon the system from the outside?
With the tariffs... Trump is side-stepping the computers entirely, and fucking with the underlying economic math itself!
That’s... what a tariff is!
It’s a way for a leader to arbitrarily change the fundamental math that underpins the economy.
So the answer to the question... if the self driving economy can correct for such a root level attack... depends on how intelligent it actually is.
All of these learning algorithms, working in concert toward the one objective of maintaining and improving the circulation of money... are ALL black-box algorithms, as touched on in the previous entry.
It means... all of them have evolved to survive inside our internet jungle of multiple such species of AI... and while we do not know how any of them think or work... it’s a safe bet they will all work together to isolate and neutralize the same existential threat.
Now, that last paragraph echoes the two-parter on cyber sentience... specifically the fear of such destroying humanity in an act of self preservation... but that fear was fairly well resolved in that two-parter... and the echo to it here, is not intentional.
Instead... and now we are down to the grit of tonight’s entry... I believe it may just be possible that a self driving economy, such as our own, could actually posses, within the cryptic depths of it’s curious, collective mind... a primal awareness that all the, “off the chart,” alarms which have been plaguing it recently, are tied back to one single “agent” known as “President Trump.”
This would seem to make sense, given that the same collective of economic bots are able to identify random teenage girls who are pregnant, even before the girls know it themselves, and start marketing baby products to them.
Would it really be such a leap to imagine that a self driving economy, would not figure out that it was under attack by a worm, introduced through social media, that went by the name of “President Trump.” and... through trial and error... figure out how best to defend against this destructive parasite?
If so... then flashing the all powerful warning signal of an inverted yield curve last week, has proven to be very effective... rattling him to the core, and rattling his greedy enablers hard enough to start trotting out Republican primary challengers against him.
What this would amount to is nothing less than... a self driving car which is learning how to eject an abusive driver... even when the cops are giving that abusive driver a pass... without destroying itself... by turning that abusive driver’s friends against him... by threatening their lives.
And that’s pretty damn clever, if you ask me.
Of course, at this juncture you’re surely thinking, “all of this is has to be bullshit and the inverted yield curve was real! That’s all there is to this! The rest is just your own madness trying to get rid of Trump without suffering an economic downturn.”
And maybe you’re right.
But the larger theme of this blog IS... that we are living in very strange times... like nothing we’ve seen before.
And all of this is just an attempt to try and explain such insanity... by tying together the newest branches of established science, tech, and sociology... into a kind of braided rope to climb?
Okay, time for bed.
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Its happening again.
When I was in high school I started to self harm. That was my outlet. I didn’t really know what I was doing. But that was around when emo kids got popular and cutting yourself was a thing I tried. So was banging my head against the wall, beating my chest, and other things. I tried to put up a seld-madep 8.5x11 poster on my ceiling that said ‘hate makes the world go around’. I do not get along with my parents. Not on good days. Not on bad. On good days, I can fake it. On bad days…if you’re not Nigerian you won’t get it. If you are Nigerian, you won’t get it. To this day there are so many times people talk about things they did or didn’t do as kids, that I would never have dreamed of doing. Little things like sleepovers and game systems as kids have turned into control of my freedom and independence as an adult. For some reason I don’t like regret so I don’t regret up upbringing – but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. For a hot second there middle school, I wanted to have kids so I could inflict upon them as much pain as my parents did upon me. I literally wanted to cause harm to my unborn children, because of their future grandparents. Thankfully I got over that, unfortunately I got into cutting. Now I’ve decided to have children (and adopt/foster!) to show love to kids in ways my parents never did to me. Some part of twitter was having a conversation about their strict parents. And how they always get lectures for staying out late. Number 1 – you get to stay out late? If I walk out of my house to check the mail, my parents pounce on me? Friends complain when I have to leave a party early, but it took weeks of preparation (including lying about the occasion, the people, the beverages, and more) to get me here this far and I canNOT fuck this shit up. There was a point a few years ago when I had enough had got a friend to come pick me up so I could leave. The way my father yelled at me, and my mother refused to stand up for me as she stood by him. My sister – literally the only reason why I have made it this far in life – was already asleep by this time so I was all alone, in my childhood living room. My friend was out front in her car waiting for me, not realizing how seriously it was, and slightly annoyed that it was taking me so long to walk outside after she texted me. My father threatened to disown me – a very real and scary thing which I had seen happen. Although fun fact – one of my mothers family members has done some illegal things and tried to drag my parents in it and my father is fighting tooth and nail for HIM but has never EVER gone to bat for me. So I stayed. Again. Like I always do. And like I always kills myself. After high school igot free to college and started the slow process of improving. With the help of friends, bsu, nsa, and uci, I became my own person, with my own thoughts, views, opinions, beliefs, interests, likes, dislikes, and I was happy. And after graduation when I couldn’t find a job as we millennials are wont to do.i moved back home. And died. I was slowly reverting into my high school self. I didn’t like who I was. I lashed out on social media and worried quite a few people. And then I got into grad school. This time instead of down the freeway I moved across the country. And with the help of new friends, and old friends, I was once again free and happy. After graduation, I got an internship. I got an apt. there was hope. But. The internship ended. No job offer was made. Paychecks stopped coming. The lease ended. And im back. And im dying. Im a really joyful happy person. When I feel safe and loved and happy, im always happy. I cant stop smiling and joking and loving life. I came home for Christmas and its been downhill since. Im hateful, jdugey, spiteful, angry, pissed off, cursing, angry, and unhappy. I struggle to fake the smile that I learned to fake over a lifetime. A feel like a bottle of soda. I was shaken and then slowwwly opened a little bit so I didn’t spill over. Then shaken again and sloooowly opened a bit more and somehow still didn’t spill over. But ive been shaken for a third time and literally YAHWEH HELP those within range. Its one thing after another. Day after day. And im struggling to find a way to cope. I was telling my sister – my only reason for living – if something happened to her God minght as well take me too because there is no purpose. I told her there were three reasons I kept trying to get along with my parents. 1-God. Love your neighbor. Honor thy parents. I’ve tried. And failed. Many times. I love them but I don’t need to be around them. It makes me an angry person and a bad Christian. 2-My sister. She unfortunately still depends on them for money, etc. That works against me as I will put myself through anything - hell and highwater – to make sure that she has what she wants out of life. 3-Money. This God-forsaken has been so FUCKED UP by the past generations that my generation has no chance. I owe $70,000 to whatever semblance of government is claiming their dictating reign right now. When my lease ended I looked up air bnb’s and they thought to myself, ‘no. sit your bougie broke black ass down and tough it out. You don’t have the money’. If id left, I wouldn’t have had money. But I would have had joy. I have so many things to be angry about that I don’t even know where to begin.
-when has telling someone to calm down ever worked? I got my anger from the nature and nurture given to me by the husband you chose so deal with it
-prayer only does so much. I can have faith ill get the job, but a backup plan helps me not to default on my loans
-not everybody can be a gahdamb entrepreneur. Yes I know so-and-so is. Yes I saw such-and-such product. Its 7 billion people on this earth. If everybody tried to be an entrepreneur, how would that work? Why cant I want a simple job working for someone else? Is that so bad? Working for whoever the fuck I want to make money I can do whatever the fuck I want with? Or maybe even working for someone with a soul and feeling decent about doing that?
-if you call me an adult, treat me like one. If one person is seen carrying pounds upon pounds of boxes and bags to and fro a car for a full hour,, either 1) HELP or 2) SHUT UP and do not ask me that I still have so much stuff?
-don’t tell someone they can do something and then the day of at the last minute change your mind and take it back
-do not tear down people who cannot defend themselves. Do not put other peoples dirty laundry (or what you perceive to be their dirty laundry) out to dry.
The two times ive been happiest in my life were when I got away from this – financed by thousands of dollars of loans. Im taking whatever shithole job I can find and get and taking out $100,000 grand in loans if any bank will let me and God help me I’m taking myself and my sister and getting us out of here. It’s visibly negatively affecting both of us so strongly.
When I was growing, my dad had a friend whose adult son disdagreed with his dad (not as much as I did with my parents, and usually only about one thing, and his mom always took his side.) but still. This went on for a few years, and then he left. It was tough for him at first. But now hes got a job, a place, a dog, just returned from a trip to Europe and seems so genuinely happy. His parents are still worried about how to get him to do the one thing they want. Theyre carrying that pain n their hearts and he’s living free. I’ve suffered enough. Its my time to be free. Let whatever happens to them, happen to them. I want to be happy.
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