Its happening again.

 When I was in high school I started to self harm. That was my outlet. I didn’t really know what I was doing. But that was around when emo kids got popular and cutting  yourself was a thing I tried. So was banging my head against the wall, beating my chest, and other things. I tried to put up a seld-madep 8.5x11 poster on my ceiling that said ‘hate makes the world go around’. I do not get along with my parents. Not on good days. Not on bad. On good days, I can fake it. On bad days…if you’re not Nigerian you won’t get it. If you are Nigerian, you won’t get it. To this day there are so many times people talk about things they did or didn’t do as kids, that I would never have dreamed of doing. Little things like sleepovers and game systems as kids have turned into control of my freedom and independence as an adult. For some reason I don’t like regret so I don’t regret up upbringing – but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. For a hot second there middle school, I wanted to have kids so I could inflict upon them as much pain as my parents did upon me. I literally wanted to cause harm to my unborn children, because of their future grandparents. Thankfully I got over that, unfortunately I got into cutting. Now I’ve decided to have children (and adopt/foster!) to show love to kids in ways my parents never did to me. Some part of twitter was having a conversation about their strict parents. And how they always get lectures for staying out late. Number 1 – you get to stay out late? If I walk out of my house to check the mail, my parents pounce on me? Friends complain when I have to leave a party early, but it took weeks of preparation (including lying about the occasion, the people, the beverages, and more) to get me here this far and I canNOT fuck this shit up. There was a point a few years ago when I had enough had got a friend to come pick me up so I could leave. The way my father yelled at me, and my mother refused to stand up for me as she stood by him. My sister – literally the only reason why I have made it this far in life – was already asleep by this time so I was all alone, in my childhood living room. My friend was out front in her car waiting for me, not realizing how seriously it was, and slightly annoyed that it was taking me so long to walk outside after she texted me. My father threatened to disown me – a very real and scary thing which I had seen happen. Although fun fact – one of my mothers family members has done some illegal things and tried to drag my parents in it and my father is fighting tooth and nail for HIM but has never EVER gone to bat for me. So I stayed. Again. Like I always do. And like I always kills myself. After high school igot free to college and started the slow process of improving. With the help of friends, bsu, nsa, and uci, I became my own person, with my own thoughts, views, opinions, beliefs, interests, likes, dislikes, and I was happy. And after graduation when I couldn’t find a job as we millennials are wont to do.i moved back home. And died. I was slowly reverting into my high school self. I didn’t like who I was. I lashed out on social media and worried quite a few people. And then I got into grad school. This time instead of down the freeway I moved across the country. And with the help of new friends, and old friends, I was once again free and happy. After graduation, I got an internship. I got an apt. there was hope. But. The internship ended. No job offer was made. Paychecks stopped coming. The lease ended. And im back. And im dying. Im a really joyful happy person. When I feel safe and loved and happy, im always happy. I cant stop smiling and joking and loving life. I came home for Christmas and its been downhill since. Im hateful, jdugey, spiteful, angry, pissed off, cursing, angry, and unhappy. I struggle to fake the smile that I learned to fake over a lifetime. A feel like a bottle of soda. I was shaken and then slowwwly opened a little bit  so I didn’t spill over. Then shaken again and sloooowly opened a bit more and somehow still didn’t spill over. But ive been shaken for a third time and literally YAHWEH HELP those within range. Its one thing after another. Day after day. And im struggling to find a way to cope. I was telling my sister – my only reason for living – if something happened to her God minght as well take me too because there is no purpose. I told her there were three reasons  I kept trying to get along with my parents. 1-God. Love your neighbor. Honor thy parents. I’ve tried. And failed. Many times. I love them but I don’t need to be around them. It makes me an angry person and a bad Christian. 2-My sister. She unfortunately still depends on them for money, etc. That works against me as I will put myself through anything - hell and highwater – to make sure that she has what she wants out of life. 3-Money. This God-forsaken has been so FUCKED UP by the past generations that my generation has  no chance. I owe $70,000 to whatever semblance of government is claiming their dictating reign right now. When my lease ended I looked up air bnb’s and they thought to myself, ‘no. sit your bougie broke black ass down and tough it out. You don’t have the money’. If id left, I wouldn’t have had money. But I would have had joy. I have so many things to be angry about that I don’t even know where to begin.

-when has telling someone to calm down ever worked? I got my anger from the nature and nurture given to me by the husband you chose so deal with it

-prayer only does so much. I can have faith ill get the job, but a backup plan helps me not to default on my loans

-not everybody can be a gahdamb entrepreneur. Yes I know so-and-so is. Yes I saw such-and-such product. Its 7 billion people on this earth. If everybody tried to be an entrepreneur, how would that work? Why cant I want a simple job working for someone else? Is that so bad? Working for whoever the fuck I want to make money I can do whatever the fuck I want with? Or maybe even working for someone with a soul and feeling decent about doing that?

-if you call me an adult, treat me like one. If one person is seen carrying pounds upon pounds of boxes and bags to and fro a car for a full hour,, either 1) HELP or 2) SHUT UP and do not ask me that I still have so much stuff?

-don’t tell someone they can do something and then the day of at the last minute change your mind and take it back

-do not tear down people who cannot defend themselves. Do not put other peoples dirty laundry (or what you perceive to be their dirty laundry) out to dry.

 The two times ive been happiest in my life were when I got away from this – financed by thousands of dollars of loans. Im taking whatever shithole job I can find and get and taking out $100,000 grand in loans if any bank will let me and God help me I’m taking myself and my sister and getting us out of here. It’s visibly negatively affecting both of us so strongly.

 When I was growing, my dad had a friend whose adult son disdagreed with his dad (not as much as I did with my parents,  and usually only about one thing, and his mom always took his side.) but still. This went on for a few years, and then  he left. It was tough for him at first. But now hes got a job, a place, a dog, just returned from a trip to Europe and seems so genuinely happy. His parents are still worried about how to get him to do the one thing they want. Theyre carrying that pain n their hearts and he’s living free. I’ve suffered enough. Its my time to be free. Let whatever happens to them, happen to them. I want to be happy.