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magellanicclouds · 5 days

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Halo - An Essay: regarding waste management systems and devices for MJOLNIR armoured Spartans It has been a hectic sort of few weeks. Between work and getting sick again (for the fourth time already this year thanks to my crewmates who can't remember it's their duty to stay home when they're ill) I've been on the outs. I haven't had the energy for much, but I'm usually a pretty active person, so this has kind of made me loopy? Which feels like as good a time as any to talk at length about the concept of catheterizing Spartans for waste management in MJOLNIR.

Let me explain.

This Silly Post crossed my dash recently and I fully understand it is meant as lighthearted fun - we have fun here. But it also dragged out some strong thoughts I've had haunting in the back of my mind about this for years because I'm super normal about Halo, and have time on my hands and the right amount of sleep deprivation and medication on board. So I wrote 3500 words about it. And about Karen Traviss, who is pretty knotted up in this conversation, since she's the one who decided to start it back in 2011.

To preface, I'm not an expert, but I have worked in emergency medicine for 25 years, and been a fan of Halo for almost as long. I've had more of a lukewarm relationship with it the last decade or so if I'm being honest, but it will always have a home in my heart; I just think letting it under my skin like that in the first place may have made me feral and prone to biting. Thankfully, I can always happily rotate Fred in my mind until the heat-death of the universe, so that's nice. Anyway, full disclosure: the essay below contains discussion about medical devices, physical trauma, and I am sharing quite a lot of personal negativity about the Kilo-5 trilogy and Karen Traviss. That said, if you'd like to sit in on the length of what I'm about to yell into the sky about all this, you can find it under the cut. I love you.

Welcome to my dissertation.

Section 1 - The Relevant Background:

Equipping Spartans with urinary catheters weeded itself into the Halo universe in the 2011 book Halo: Glasslands, during a conversation between Spartan II Naomi-010 and ODST Mal Geffen. Glasslands was the first in Karen Traviss's Kilo-5 trilogy, and she is both the originator of this, and the only official Halo author or source to have used catheters specifically since. Some context: I don't personally like these books, or their author, or even her reasoning for why she chose to add this. My personal preference doesn't make something 'bad', and I'm not out to hurt any feelings. Kilo-5 isn't a total wash for me, there are some characters and ideas that I'd of otherwise loved to have seen explored through the lens of a different author, but these books felt smothered under Traviss's habit of always injecting her very loud personal voice into the narrative fabric. I think this is something that's fine to do in an original series, but doesn't really belong in an established third party IP. She bangs on about so much of her own narrow worldview and self-assured prejudices across the trilogy that still discussing them today creates division in the fandom, and sadly did a lot of lasting damage to a couple characters. But for the topic here, the dialogue that started all this cath chat came from Naomi-010, having idle conversation with Mal who asks her about bathroom breaks. “I’m catheterized. Another reason why that machine has to be so precisely calibrated. This suit plugs into me in a lot of places.” 'The Machine' she's referring to is a Brokkr assembly, which was introduced to the lore as a large mechanical armature used to get Spartans in and out of MJOLNIR. You can see them in action in cinematics from Halo 4 (+Spartan Ops) and 5.

One single mention, and it was big news. Traviss was naturally interviewed about it because of course she was - people can't help themselves but forget an entire novel and tunnel vision on 'but how pee pee?', and her answer has always irritated me. It's not in what she says, so much as what 'what she says' means in her voice. Traviss didn't answer it directly, but instead talked about how she likes to get into character's heads by addressing the mundane necessity of things that often go overlooked to expand a sense of familiarity with the character and their world. Sounds super reasonable, I know, but don't give her too much credit - that's not a quote. It's just me paraphrasing and honestly I was pretty generous in my wording. Probably because I agree! What bugs me about it, is if you've ever read literally any interview with her, or her personal musings about her writing process, you know there's a bit of an 'honesty' issue there. She's somebody who feels perfectly comfortable ignoring established character voices, traits, or histories to satisfy whatever roles she's reinvented for them, and too many others wind up as mouthpieces. How much are you really challenging yourself in finding characters' voices when most of them are just yours? And the part about familiarity with their world? I giggled a little. She doesn't care about their world, or their aesthetics, or their technology, or their medicine. Because she didn't care about Halo while writing these, and she's not vague about admitting that. It's a matter of pride for her to purposefully refuse to research those things, in the same way she disregarded Star Wars and Gears of War - she doesn't consider the effort to be a valuable part of her process. So instead she'll skim the foundation, gather some recognizable names, pick her targets, and trusts that her personal experiences combined with an outsider perspective will generate better content to seamlessly overwrite what existed. Cool, Karen. Annoying, but why bring all that up? We're here to talk about catheters, right? Well, the fandom for the most part begin and end their assessment of the dialogue at urinary catheters, but the whole quote implies so much more than that - "This suit plugs into me in a lot of places." We're not just dealing with a cath, but apparently with multiple additional external-to-invasive connections. Reader, this dialogue is a plinth to Traviss's bizarre refusal to research not only the franchises she's contracted to write in, but also just into the basic function and hazards of existing concepts that she wants to introduce, and all because she's convinced herself she's done learning about the world. Choosing to ignore the creative freedom of limitless potential in a future of technology that would be basically magic to us today, and instead degrade 529 years of advancement is certainly a take, but it's even more ridiculous to do it with a subject (The Spartan Programme) that is considered to be the peak of advancement in that future's setting. That's clownery, just like her alleged commitment to adjusting her perspective to suit a universe's world.

I want to close out this section with a question: Why is it that writers in the Halo space - both fan and official - cling so tightly to current-day modern concepts as if they'd still be perfectly relevant in 500+ years? Music, for example, apparently suffered a multi-century stagnation in lots of published and fanmade Halo media. Though my partner made a strong counterpoint about this to be fair: we still listen to music composed by Mozart. So there's an argument to be made there. Medicine though. There is way less latitude to embrace the classics there. It's been shown across several games, novels, and films to be sufficiently advanced well beyond anything we're currently capable of or even understand, so why undermine that and choose to drag it centuries backward? For clarity, I am not talking about what might be standard in the public or private sectors, nor the enduring things that'd be used by the public and military alike, like sterile dressings, syringes, supplemental oxygen equipment. Those are the Basics and they will be relevant to us indefinitely. But I'm talking about the UNSC. I'm talking about ONI R&D. I'm talking about Section Three. Retrograding tech and failing to address a necessity that applies to every living person in the Super Soldier Wizardry department makes my mouth flatten into a tight little line.

Section Two - Caths, and why this whole thing got written:

Indwelling urinary catheters, both urethral and suprapubic. There's a laundry list of problems here, but I've distilled it down to the three biggest when suggesting they'd have any safe practical application in Spartans: Care. Activity. Damage. There is unreasonable expectations of care and maintenance for caths with regards to people who can be on operations isolated for months at a time with no support of any kind and are often limited to carrying only what can be kept on their person. The level of extreme physical activity Spartans engage in on any perfectly normal day whether deployed or not is unfit for the stability and safety of a cath. And damage; obvious enough, but with this one I'll be taking a huge emphasis on concussive forces - explosions. Something Spartans are subjected to a lot. I'll be using the height of modern-day catheter quality as a baseline for this, since that's what Traviss felt was sufficient. Regarding Urethral vs Suprapubic, Traviss doesn't specify by name, but Naomi's comment in full reads to me that she's only catheterized temporarily while armoured, hence the assembly needing to be so finely calibrated. Foley caths are temporary urethral caths that would only supplement the urinary process while a person was armoured. Suprapubic caths however are surgically placed devices. They do need routine tube replacement to keep them clean, but unlike the Foley that just serves as an aide measure for an otherwise fully functioning bladder, suprapubic caths are usually placed in people with congenital bladder disfunction, or who've suffered injury or disease that left the bladder in poor health or failure. This type of access will always require a tube in place and this would be the exclusive method of urination - in or out of armour. My Big Three Concerns fit both types similarly, though there is some additional risks associated with urethral caths that I'll cover.

Care: Caring for an invasive cath is a not insignificant effort. They're prone to blockage, kinking, and bacterial growth. They're so frequently responsible for UTIs and kidney stones that these complications are just considered the Standard Fair for having a cath. Their need to be frequently replaced because of their penchant for bacterial growth is the kicker here - whole floral colonies sprout up in caths and can eek their way out into the body through compromised tissue and wreck havoc. They have no self-cleaning mechanism, and steadily deteriorate. Changing and replacing an indwelling cath is a procedure that requires additional supplies that'd have to be carried, and needs to be done in a practiced and clean setting; preferably medical. Granted, there are people who manage the removal and insertion of their own caths at home, but they still need to ensure a clean and safe environment while they do this. A Spartan could never be guaranteed that, nor would it even be wise to consider the vulnerability of removing so much armour to handle it. Modern day caths are recommended to be replaced every 30 days or so, with some models able to be in place for a few months at a time, but that's with constant daily care and cleaning; something that'd be unreasonable for a Spartan to maintain while entrenched who knows where for who knows how long, and without access to replacement medical supplies. Those endurance times between replacements are geared for the average public person who leads an average public life and care for their cath as directed and don't get into fist fights with Sangheili. Needless to say, the endurance time for the same device in a Spartan who leads a wildly different lifestyle probably cuts those times down to a third.

Activity: Modern day caths are designed to offer people the most utility and versatility possible. Both models are available for people who are bed-bound or have extremely limited mobility, as well as for those who are mobile, independent, and live out average lives. With regards to the latter, suprapubics are somewhat more common, if for no other reason than to reduce the Foley's higher risks of induction injury, but modern urethral caths also allow for regular movement and activity with a more reduced chance of becoming dislodged or damaged than they would have had a couple decades ago. But when I say regular activity, I mean going on a walk. Shopping for groceries. Doing basic house chores. Even light exercise and sexual activity can be managed with physician advisement and the appropriate precautions taken. Anytime a Spartan was fielded they'd have to be all the more overly-cautious about Movements Outside of Their Control during confrontations, maneuvers, ambush, environmental or vehicular incidents. Even when things go well there'd be too much risk involved. That said, traumatic decatheterizations happen more frequently than anyone would like, and I'm talking about regular old Joe Everybody. I respond to no less than a dozen of these incidents a year. Both types of catheter are held in place by a bulb balloon that's inflated from a port with around 10-30ccs of saline after the tube enters the bladder (30ccs would be more appropriate for better security of the line). Before removing a cath, the saline is removed to deflate the balloon and the tube is guided out - with a Foley cath, that means being guided out of the urethra. When a Foley cath is traumatically removed, the saline filled balloon - which is like five times wider in diameter than the average 6mm urethra - does a pretty devastating amount of damage on it's way out, penis or vagina; though a penile urethra has significantly more length to damage, and the penile meatus very typically is torn. These incidents run high risk of bladder hematoma as well, which requires urgent surgical intervention. The very worst traumatic decatheterizations I've responded to were all penile and had trauma to external tissue. Ever microwaved a hotdog a little too long?

Damage: How often are Spartans subjected to explosive and other concussive forces? Silly question - answer: a lot and often and unavoidable. And we know they still feel the powerful feedback. Despite shields and dampeners and a self-moderating gel layer, strong inertial forces are still felt through the suits. Across multiple novels we're given details about near misses and blasts, accelerated or uncontrolled falls, rattling their teeth, hampering their vision, hearing, or balance; they've been rendered unconscious and suffered internal injuries. The fact that most of these events don't flat out kill them is a credit to their armour and augmentations. For reference - when a person experiences explosive or concussive force from a distance enough to avoid separation of limbs, bisection, etc, the totality of their injuries can't and won't be seen externally. How they present on the outside is just the tippy tip of the iceburg - it's what's happened to them internally that you need to be concerned about. Cracked or fractured bones, torn musculature, arterial shearing, hollow organ rupture, cardiac and brain tissue bleed, to name some common ones, and this kind of trauma extends to all implanted devices as well. For example, rods and nails and other structural aids or replacements are much more resilient than your organic tissues, and can dislodge when tissues tear or rupture, damaging anything in their way like shrapnel. The fragile little balloon of a catheter will shatter when subjected to even relatively minor explosive force, so to even consider for a moment that this would be a viable piece of equipment for people intended to routinely be involved in explosive environments is beyond willful negligence. That there wouldn't be a better solution to the question of waste management - a necessity for literally all human people who make up the entirety of the Spartan branch, with the infinite funding of ONI R&D seems so stupid to me that I… well, that I wrote this. Because, friends - participating in active warfare is not cath-safe. The kinds of physical demands and forces on Spartan bodies are not cath-safe. The risks will never outweigh the benefits to this. Even while sealed in powered armour and a skinsuit tech layer, the very thought of Section Three engineers or Halsey or anyone involved in the development of MJOLNIR dismissing the glaring obvious failure of Spartans having any kind of externalized invasive devices is so unreasonably negligent that it could only be the brainchild of an author who's convinced that these characters are all actually just psuedo-intelligent government boogiemen who aren't as capable as they claim to be. But No. They are that capable, and they are that intelligent and the fact that they have a bottomless budget and deeply flexible ethics is literally what makes them so dangerous.

So if we have to address this, how do we do it? Apparently there was always an official answer for this. Former Franchise Development Director, creator of the Master Chief**, and extremely racist asshole Frank O'Connor weighed in on this in the same interview, where he almost immediate rejected and denied Traviss's catheterization claim and says that 'this sort of stuff' was the kind of thing he and the other creative heads at Bungie/343i talked and planned about all the time. So how does this work then, because we're invested now. According to 'ol Frankie's elegant input: they just pee freely into the suit. That's it. For clarity, he's talking about the skinsuit and not the MJOLNIR interior proper. He goes on to say that connectivity between body and MJOLNIR at all levels is fully noninvasive, but precise, and that it doesn't matter what kind of body output a Spartan introduces into the suit interior, because a hygienic valve system (??) will scrub it continually and collect all matter for recycling and reintroduction via capillary action powered by movement. It's not clear in what layers or intermediaries these mechanisms occupy, he doesn't break it down more than that. But that's the answer, and it did exist back when Traviss was penning Kilo-5.

Is this answer better than haphazardly plugging extension cords from actual organ systems into MJOLNIR interior? Yes. Like, leagues better by comparison, but also I still think it sucks. To me anyway. It's flat out gross as hell, which definitely fits the personal brand of a man who proudly overfed his cat and called himself "Stinkles", but also it just doesn't strike me as the kind of design strategy ONI would pursue for any of their assets. Beside it just being 100% torn from Dune's stillsuits, it's also missing that special brand of proprietary Section Three je ne sais quoi. There's layers upon layers of too-specialized equipment installed into these people for everything else, why skip this? A body function that should have been Point 3 on a 50 point list of 'stuff to manage'. Also though? It's a lot of freedom. This is just another easy opportunity to add yet another layer of dependence. Spartans are expensive equipment. It doesn't do to give them any fewer reasons to think they can ever walk away.

So anyway, I figured I'd take a crack at it. I came up with this while editing the last two paragraphs: [Waste management] - a fully internalized collection and processing device - lets say a cybernetic implantation - that entirely replaces the bladder. It has bio-organic lumens that interconnect it to the GI and Hepatic organs. The implant assists in accelerating the processing of gathering and refining waste materials with the help of nanobots that identify and redirect waste along the lumens of each system, plus they keep the implant clean and free of bad flora. All twice-processed waste gets refined a lot quicker and any water by-product of the process is refined and redistributed back to the organs along the lumens. None of the refined water is removed from the body for drinking, because that's an unnecessary step; it's already inside. (Drinking water would be the responsibility of a suit system more likely - like, sweat leeching in the skinsuit; refine, filtrate, purify, collect into a reservoir, and jettison the excess sodium. ) There is no 'extraction of other viable nutrient' from the remainder, it's been twice identified as waste. It gets catabolized and consumed by the nanobots as a fuel source, and no externalized waste is created at all while the Spartan is geared up. The implant doesn't always run like this - it only engages this way when the Spartan is wearing MJOLNIR, and when they're not, it just works like an out-of-the-box bladder. The intermittence of usage lets the organic organs truck along as usual, preventing risk of atrophy, and the Spartan can just use a bathroom like everyone else. I'm not a bioengineer, but I do like sci fi and I think all that sounds like something that'd be possible in this sandbox. And that's the real fun of it, isn't it? There's no way anyone today can anticipate what sort of gadgetry might be available 500+ years from now, especially in a fictional universe that includes military tech hybridized with reverse engineered alien tech.

I think it's fascinating when writers and artists shake loose and really grab the reins, and I love seeing the fruit of that labour in this particular tumblr community so often. We're not a huge Halo circle, but we're a passionate one, and if this essay leaves you with nothing else, I hope it will at least remind you to Go For It when you're writing your next fic or drawing your next piece, or composing, or sewing, or printing, or anything!

In Conclusion: Rest easy, friends.

Despite Traviss's word and even books that went to print, the official canon is that Spartans are not catheterized. If that's a bummer for anyone, canon can't stop you from writing whatever you want, but I do hope maybe you'll remember my reasoning for why it might not be the best idea? At least not for armoured Spartans. A Spartan, but they're laid up in hospital? Any non-Spartan personnel? Maybe you're writing in the public sector, a colony world or vessel? Sure - I'll bet caths are still plenty widely used. Why not? They're a blissfully simple and useful effective piece of equipment. It's just all about adjusting and adapting for practicality. Medical science, like any technology, adapts and evolves infinitely as we learn and discover new things. Treatments or drug algorithms I'd of used just last year have already undergone changes, and protocols are amended constantly. It's why a person 'practices' medicine; why a scientist is always a student. If questions like this or similar really need answering in your next work, remember: Give yourself the credit you deserve, and embrace the spirit of invention. Let my Cyber Bladder, by Sparklets be the candle in the window for you!

You may all retrieve your keys from the bowl and unsilence your phones. Stay safe and please text me when you get home. Thank you. ' u ' **Addendum: Former Bungie Creative Art Director Marcus Lehto is in fact the person who is most associated with the creation of the Master Chief.**

#halo #long form #my writing

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djljpanda · 1 year

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pls pls do this iv been begging people for days can you do wednesday x yn (fem) and wednesday wants to tell mortica and gomez she has a gf when they come for parents week but she doesn't know how they will react and Enid trys to help her but when she gets help she keeps putting off telling them because she doesn't want to dissipoint them and then tdk mabey ougsley or someone cathes yn and wednesday anway

Alright You Don't Need To Wait Any Longer.

Once Wednesday and you started dating she has never been, hates to say, happier. You don't jude her, you read her novel, try to understand her interest, overall just being the best girlfriend.

But there has been one thing that has been pricking at her side the longest, she has never told her family about you.

When learning about another parents week Wednesday got nervous and not the good nervous but the bad nervous, yes she hates her family here and the but what will they think if they find out you two are together and not to say she want everyone to know you are hers she is just scared what the consequences will be.

Enid has learned about the situation as she tells Wednesday that there is nothing to fear and if they don't like that she is with you than how can they be her family. Enid did say as her parents are weird they seem kind, even if they killed a man before.

You notice on how she would not talk about her family since parents week was announce so in fear her and her mother are having troubles you came to talk to her about it.

"Wednesday, my love I will not push you to tell me anything but please if something is wrong I would do anything to fix it", she looked at you with a small smile on your face and with that she told you about what she was thinking and you only just held her in your arms as her head was on your chest. "I am okay with your decision love but when ever your ready i'm ready", with that you gave ger forehead a kiss as she only shoved you making you laugh.

The time came as the students were with their families and Wednesday reunited with hers. Your parents couldn't make it this year so you just walked around the school even going into Wednesday and Enids dorm, with permission of courses, as you texted your parents that you were fine.

Wednesday may be emotionless but Mortica can tell when Wednesday is hiding something. "Wednesday is there something you want to say", in Wednesday mind she wanted to tell them about you but she only said, "Nothing Mother".

As time passed Wednesday was abel to sneak out as Mortica followed Gomez to get more food and drinks. She opened the her dorms door to find you there on her bed as you smiled at her, "Hello gorgeous how is the family", you said as you got up and walked towards her. "I hate saying this but it's pretty boring without you there by my side" "Aw Love I will always remember your kind words", you smiled as you rubbed her cheeks with your hands and her holding your waist. "You know tonight me and you can go for a late night stroll" "That's sounds lovely mi amor", with that you and Wednesday kissed as you both heard the door being open looking to see who it is, its Mortica.

"Wednesday what is this", with Mortica coming closer you got infront of Wednesday putting her behind you. "You never told me you had a girlfriend" "And what does that mean Mrs.Addams" "It mean this is great I always hopped Wednesday would find someone to spend the rest of her life with and why didn't you introduce us sooner Wednesday".

You and Wednesday were more in shock as how Mortica was smiling as she walked with you two back to Gomez and Pugsley, Wednesday did ended up telling her family about you.

So you spend the rest of the week with the Addams family as the welcomed you with open arms. With this Wednesday felt happy on how one day you can become an Addam too and her family couldn't agree more.

Once the week was over the Addams said their goodbyes and threats towards you as you only promised their daughter and sister safety.

"Your family is...nice" "Why would you say that" "Wait let me rephrase, they are horrible people". Wednesday only took your hand as you two go get read for that late night stroll you two have been putting off.

#wednesday addams x fem reader #wednesday addams #wednesday addams x reader #wednesday 2022

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crowleychild · 6 months

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Stede sees Ed's "Trust no one" tattoo

When Ed nodded, Stede got lost. He got lost into his sweet brown eyes, into his touch, into his lips, those he had dreamed of kissing for so long.

The months they were apart, Stede knows they weren't kind to Ed, and now he only wants to love him in every way he knows to assure Edward that he was loved, he is loved, and that that wouldn't dessapear in an instant. To assure him that he means it.

Carefully, he started kissing Ed's neck, always waiting a bit in case he wanted to stop him, but he just let out a shaky breath of surprise and pleasure. While being kissed, Edward himself started untying Stede's shirt, to get rid of it. Any piece of clothing was far to much for him.

Predicting his intentions, Stede moaned on his neck and got rid of the shirt roughly, so he could continue with what he was doing. Slowly, he began to move both of them across his quarters, heading towards the bed. With a heavy groan, they both fell over it, Ed below Stede. Gazing into eachothers eyes, amazed and full with love, they kissed in the mouth, slower this time. Enjoying it. Stede put his hand on Ed's cheek, and, with a smile, he got up. Ed let out an angry grumble, wanting the blonde over him again, following his body until he was sitting on the bed, but Stede put a hand on his chest for stopping him. Then, he just closed the courtains to give them more privacy. Ed could only look at him with calm, waiting. He knew what was about to happen and he wanted Stede, all of him.

Again by his side, it was Ed's turn to make the first move. He kissed the blond eagerly, while his hands went all over Stede's torso. He then moved his lips towards his chest, kissing his shoulders, and he couldn't resist to kiss the burn scar from before. Stede let out a shaky breath, and Ed look at him. Stede nodded and Edward started to kiss the hell out of his chest, no longer refraining himself. Both of them gasped, already really excited between their legs.

-Ed - Stede managed to say- Your shirt. Out.

With no question and in no time, the shirt was on the floor and while Ed explored Stede's collar bone, he began to touch Edward's abs and chest. He wanted to feel it all, to feel conected to him, to have him right now.

Since things where already hot, Stede felt comfortable turning Ed around and almost jumping over him. He was starting to loosen Ed's pants when something caught his attention on his back.

A huge tattoo, all over his lower back. A huge skull with the words "Trust no one" written just below it.

Ed, meanwhile, was feeling impatient by the lack of kisses or some touch on his back. He let out an angry groan again, while trying to recover his breath. Only when Stede talked, he froze.

-Oh Ed... - he whispered.

"Fuck" he thought "the tattoo". Inmediately, he turned around to face Stede, who stepped aside to face him as well. They looked into eachothers eyes, waiting for one of them to say something.

-I am so sorry Ed- the blond speaked- I hurted you pretty bad.

-Yeah- he responded, whispering- but you are here, now. Please, forget about it for now. I don't want to think about those days...

His voice broke, and Stede kissed his cheeks, mouth, eyes and forehead, gently.

-I'll never leave again. Promise- it was all he could say. He couldn't make those terrible months disappear, he couldn't pretend like he hadn't left, but he was here and he wanted to fix things. He was ready for whatever happen.

-Promise- he repeated.

Soon he was over Ed again, kissing him non stop. When he turned him around again, he trailed kisses all over his back, lovingly.

-I'll never leave you, Ed

They made love that night, slow and gently, and then they both laid down, cathing their breaths. Ed hugged Stede and buried his face on his neck. Stede kissed him on his head and they fall asleep. Ed trusted Stede, Stede trusted Ed an that's all that mattered.

#our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd s2 #ofms s2 fanfic #ed x stede #gentlebeard fanfic #crowleychild fanfic #angst with comfort #gentlebeard #trust no one tattoo #ed's tattoo #edward x stede #ofmd stede #ofmd ed teach

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jawritter · 1 year

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Carry On

Chapter 6

Summary: It was just a simple hunt, found on a pie festival. It was supposed to be easy. Something they’d all done one hundred and one times a million. No one could have told Y/N, Dean, and Sam that nothing from that point on would ever be the same again.

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader x Sam Winchester

Word Count: 3163

Warnings: Pain, Angst, Botched medical terms and fear of medical procedures, (cath removal).

Due to the graphic nature of this fic, and the fact that it will eventually contain Smut. This fic is an 18 + only fic! If you’re under 18 DO NOT read this fic!

A/N: This fic is beta’d by @kazsrm67 Thanks so much love! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is golden! I hope you all enjoy this ride with me!

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If Y/N never heard the words ‘slow and steady wins the race’ again, it would be too soon. It wasn’t that she was really in a hurry to get Dean out of the hospital; though she was sure as soon as he got to where he wasn’t in almost constant pain, he’d be ready to get the fuck out of there, and it wasn’t even that she wanted to be free of Dean, and the fact that he needed so much help and had taken to leaning on her so much for even basic things like eating. It was the fact that she was absolutely sick and tired of seeing him in pain.

It had been a little over a week since the night he’d felt her touch his leg for the first time. The pair were overjoyed and relieved, he was regaining some of his feeling back, it was a pin prick of a light at the end of a very long and very dark tunnel! Then that night, the pain REALLY set it. The more he could feel and became aware of the rest of his body, the more he became aware of his rib injuries, as well as the large hole in his back. The nerve pain increased, and he started to complain of shooting pains that would shoot from the hole in his back, down through his left leg to his knee, which currently was where his feeling stopped; right below the knee.

Every other day they would do another scan to see how much more the swelling was going down; the doctor said it was still decreasing, just extremely slowly. That’s when he told Dean, ‘slow and steady wins the race’. Well, Y/N didn’t much feel like it was a race. It was more of a marathon. It wasn’t about how FAST he finished, more of a test of pain tolerance and endurance.

She’d only seen Dean cry a handful of times in the time she’d known the Winchesters, and none of those times were due to pain. Normally, he could take it, and if he couldn’t, he’d drink until he could. But last night, it had gotten to the point that he couldn’t take it anymore, and all he could do about it was cry.

It broke her. That’s when she’d had enough, and wanted more than anything for him to get to where he could at least roll over on his side, Because it hurt watching a grown man cry in frustration and pain because for one, he was sick of being in pain even with the pain medication they were giving him, and two, because he was so tired of laying flat on his back that he was about to lose his mind.

She felt helpless, the majority of the time. Mostly because there was nothing at all she could do to ease his pain and discomfort. No matter how bad she wanted too.

So, to say that she was tired was an understatement. But she wasn’t tired for herself. She was tired for Dean. She really didn’t know mentally how much more the man could take.

“Mr. Clearwater,” a soft knock on the door sounded and Y/N jumped in her seat slightly as she watched the charge nurse of the day walk in and close the door quietly behind her.

“He’s asleep,” Y/N informed her in a soft voice, determined not to wake him up after having watched him struggle all night long. Rest wasn’t exactly coming easy. She was going to let him get as much of it as he could.

“Oh,” the nurse said as she approached the bed and checked the monitors that kept tabs on his blood pressure as well as his heart rate before she checked his IV bags. “I was hoping he was awake, Diane said when I talked to her that he’d had a bad night.”

“He did,” she admitted, getting up to stand on the opposite side of the bed. Even when he was asleep, he looked uncomfortable. His chest rose and fell in a heavy hard pace, and his face scrunched up slightly. “He’s been asleep for about two hours now, and I think it was because he finally just exhausted himself and gave in.”

“I’ve seen this before,” said the nurse as she adjusted the flow of the IV bag. “Yes, he’s in pain, and an impressive bit of it, but some of it is brought on by a whole lot of depression, and albeit some shock too. I’ve seen a lot of amputee patients and some patients that had to deal with life altering injuries when I worked at the VA go through the same thing. It’s not only an adjustment physically, but mentally as well.”

Y/N knew she was right, she’d been spending her time reading up as much as she could online about injury induced PTSD, depression, as well as Anxiety, and other issues that Dean might face in the long run. While the physical might hurt and be extravagantly irritating right now, this is not the hardest part of his recovery, that’s gonna come later on, when he’s up walking around again and at home, and she knew that.

She was just about to ask the nurse if she had any advice on dealing with the PTSD that she was sure that Dean was going to have, when Dean coughed slightly and opened his eyes, staring between the two women in a confused state for a moment before he was able to regain his composure.

“Hey there,” she greeted, “how are we feeling Mr. Clearwater.”

“Fine,” Dean said, his forest green gaze never leaving her hands as he watched her check his IV port in his hand. It was almost impossible to get Dean to agree to go to the doctor before this accident happened, she had a feeling that now, when he finally got past this, because she had to have faith that he would, she was pretty sure it was gonna be damn near impossible to get him to agree to go to a doctor. There was bound to be some residual trauma there; there had to be.

“Are you in any pain? I hear you’ve had a bad night?” she questioned.

Dean grimaced, “It’s bearable, at least right now. I’m just really fucking tired of laying on my back.”

The nurse nodded as she made her way around the foot of his bed, and lifted the covers over his feet to his knees.

“I imagine you are,” she admitted. “The last scan that I saw showed a great decrease in the swelling. So hopefully we can get you on your feet soon. Which is why I’m going to test where you’re at. The sooner we can get you on your feet again, the better because as long as you’re on your back like that you run a higher risk of getting pneumonia.”

Dean only nodded, keeping his gaze glued to the ceiling. He hated these checks, and had told Y/N more than once that he was always afraid that when they checked him again, the feeling would be gone and he’d be right back to square one. Y/N had assured him over and over again that wasn’t going to happen, but she understood the fear, honestly, she’d be afraid too if she were in his position.

Y/N reached out and took his hand in hers, and his gaze drifted to her face and she squeezed his hand to give him some sort of reassurance.

“Ouch!” Dean voiced suddenly, before looking down at his left foot, and the nurse looked up and grinned at him before moving the small needle across his other foot, and Dean’s leg jumped with a reflexive motion at the sensation. “I felt that,” he revealed breathlessly as he looked between Y/N and the nurse. “I felt it, it wasn’t just dull pressure, but I really felt that.”

If there wasn’t a room full of people, Y/N probably would have started bawling at the amount of relief that slammed her in the chest. He’d regained his feeling throughout his body. He wasn’t going to spend the rest of his life a paraplegic. Sure, things would never be exactly the same, but it isn’t going to be as bad as it could have been, and that was a win at this point she’d take.

The nurse squealed excitedly as Dean let out a huff, and his head turned to the side, trying to control his own emotions.

“I figured as much when they told me you had such a bad night, you’re more aware that you’re laying in this bed, and that you’ve been here a while,” the nurse stated matter of factly as she covered his feet again, and made her way towards the computer in the corner to email his primary doctor with the news.

“What happens now?” Dean asked eagerly for another step. His voice was already stronger than it had been as of late. Dean needed this win as much as she did for him.

“Well, the doctor will probably order another scan to see the state of the spine now that the swelling is completely gone, then he will discuss the treatment plan with you from there,” she said, and Dean looked down again.

Y/N knew Dean well enough to know that even though Dean’s body might not be ready to get out of this bed, and out of this hospital, Dean had had about all he could take.

“Have they tried to move him at all?” she questioned Y/N, and Y/N shook her head no.

“They came in last night with some wipes and gave him a ‘bath’, but they haven’t sat him up other than when the doctor comes in the check the state of his injury, or if they are moving him for a test,” she admitted and the nurse shook her head before patting Dean on the leg.

“I’ll be right back, okay?”

Before she could move away from the bed, Dean’s hand reached out and grabbed her arm, and the nurse froze at the sudden movement, Y/N didn’t know whether she was impressed, or slightly shocked. Y/N personally was impressed he’d reached that far that fast herself. That was the fastest she’d seen him move anything since he’d woken up.

“Wait, please, I have one question before you get them to do whatever it is you’re going to have them do to me,” he said, and she turned to give him her full attention.

“What’s that?”

“Can they take this catheter out, please.”

The nurse stood and thought for a moment, and Y/N could almost see the wheels in her head turning as she did so.

“Do you feel like you know when you need to go? Like you’ve regained feeling in that region?”

Dean nodded swiftly, “Please, it really is annoying, they’ve kept it in for weeks now, and I’m pretty sure I can just use a urinal. Can I at least try?”

The nurse patted him on his hand, and Dean released his grip on her jacket sleeve.

“Let me go talk to the on-call real quick, and if they will let me take it out, I will take it out, okay? If for some reason you still can’t go, we will have to put it back in though, so be prepared for that.”

Dean breathed an almost visible sigh of relief, as he agreed and the nurse hurried towards the nurse’s station to make the call for them.

“Talk to me handsome, how are you doing?” Y/N questioned as he laced his free hand with hers, and ran a trembling hand down his face.

“Scared,” he admitted, “I really don’t want them to have to put it back in if they take it out, and as much of a pussy as this is gonna make me sound like, I’m terrified this is gonna hurt.”

“It doesn’t make you a pussy Dean,” she tried, “it makes you human. You’ve been through so much, not wanting to deal with any more pain is a normal, human, experience. It’s okay to be scared in this situation, I think you’re fully entitled.”

Dean sniffed and nodded, but kept his arm bent over his face to hide most of his features.

“Hey, you’ve got feeling back, now things can start to move forward,” she attempted to encourage him. “It’s the first step of many, but it’s a big one. That’s something to be excited about Dean.”

Before Dean could respond, the nurse walked back into the room with the two other nurses.

“Good news Mr. Clearwater!” the charge nurse exclaimed as she clapped her hands together, “They’re letting us take it out for you! And once that’s done, you’re gonna get a proper sponge bath, which means you get to sit up for a while.”

Dean’s eyes drifted to Y/N, and he took a deep breath before he nodded to his nurse, “Great, let’s do this.”

The nurse made her way around to Dean’s bed, and Y/N got up as far towards the head of his bed as she could, sitting down next to him and running her fingers through his hair. She could see the anxiety of it all starting to set in, she could see his chest rising and falling rapidly as he pulled the covers away from his body, and the charge nurse placed a hand on his ankle to get his attention before he threw himself into a full-fledged panic attack.

“Hey,” she said, waiting for Dean to look at her before she continued. “This isn’t gonna hurt honey, just some pressure, deep breath from you, okay? You got this. Compared to what you’ve been through, this is gonna be a breeze, and it will be over before you know it, okay?”

Dean swallowed audibly and nodded, before turning his face towards Y/N, keeping eye contact with her, the face of determinations she usually saw in hunts when they were about to try and take down a big bad, or when he thought, he was going to have to do something that he really wasn’t going to enjoy doing.

“Okay, here comes the pressure, and —-”

Dean’s eyes closed tightly and he grunted as the nurse pulled the catheter free from him.

“It’s gone!”

Dean’s eyes popped slightly as he looked down in disbelief, before relief flooded his features.

“Fuck,” he groaned, and then much to their surprise, he bent his leg slightly at the knee and moved it. The nurse smiled widely at Y/N before another woman in the room brought a pan and a towel with warm water in it.

“Okay Dean, are you ready to sit up for us?” she questioned, and Dean nodded eagerly as one of the nurses in the room lifted the bed slowly into a sitting position.

“Good, now Mrs. Clearwater, come sit on the bed next to him here, and let him slowly lean into you so that you can support his weight. We’re not going to pull on him very much at all, but we’re going to let him sit up slowly at his own pace, and once he’s gotten himself leaned against you, we’re gonna lower the bed.”

“I don’t, I mean, I don’t know if I can pull myself up or—”

“You don’t have to pull yourself up,” the nurse cut in. “Just wrap your arms around your wife and hold on.”

Dean gave Y/N a stern, determined look before reaching for her, and Y/N leaned as close to him as possible for him to grab hold of her shoulders with both arms, burying his face in the crook of her neck as he did so. She tried her damndest not to shiver at the way his deep breaths fanned over her skin, but it was really damn hard, because this was the closest physically, she’d ever been to Dean.

“Good,” the nurse praised him, “Now you just hang onto her and I’m going to start cleaning up this back of yours after we get the bed lowered, you ready?”

Dean nodded, and the nurse began to lower the bed, while Dean held his breath as if afraid, he was going to fall backward, but as the bed lowered flatly, he let out a shaky breath and braved a glance around him to see that he was indeed sitting upright in the bed for the first time in two weeks.

“How does that feel?” Y/N asked him, gripping his hip reassuringly. “Are you in pain?”

“It feels… strange,” Dean admitted, slowly loosening his death grip on her shoulders to a more relaxed hold as he started to slowly support himself more than he was leaning into her, “I feel really weak, but it only hurts if I take a deep breath.”

“You realize you're sitting up on your own,” the nurse beamed at him. “You’re barely holding onto her at all, in fact, I bet you could even let go completely if you want too.”

Dean shivered as the cool air from the room met the warm water on the bathing sponge that she was running over his back. “But I’m weak,” he argued. “What if I fall backward? Surely that would cause more damage than it would help?”

“I’m right behind you,” she assured him. “And your wife is right in front of you. There’s Tracy to your left here as well. I promise you that out of the three of us none of us are going to let you fall and hurt yourself.”

Dean took a deep breath and held it as he ever so slowly started to let go of Y/N’s shoulders and support his weight in the center of the bed. It felt like everyone in the room was holding their breath, and as dramatic as it sounds, she wouldn't have been surprised if time itself stood still as Dean finally let go, swaying slightly at first, but soon after writing himself to sit upright on his own in the center of the bed.

“Look at that!” the nurse exclaimed. “I told you that you could do it!”

Dean looked down at himself as they started to slowly wash his chest and waist before looking up to Y/N running his own hand down his exposed ribs and stomach. This was the thinnest she’d ever seen him. Surely he’d never seen himself that thin.

“Hey,” Y/N said, reaching for his hand to catch his attention, “You’re gonna be okay.”

Dean closed his eyes for a moment before nodding and opening his eyes with a new determination in them.

“One step at a time,” he affirmed, and she nodded and agreed with him, giving his hand a firm squeeze. “One step at a time.”

Forever:

@demongirl1996

@as-lost-as-sams-shoe

@jensenslady79

@spnwoman

@stoneyggirl2

@unabashed-lover-of-fictional-men

@stixnstripesworld

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@whiskey-infused-dreams

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@deandreamernp

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@chevyharvelle

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@lyss-dw79

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@hobby27

@spnbaby-67

@mrsjenniferwinchester

@defenderrosetyler

@thecreatiivecorner

@vicmc624

@busy-bee-angel-misska

@justanotherwinchester

@brilovesdeanwinchester

@idksupernatural

@lyarr24

@emoryhemsworth

@dean-winchesters-gardian-angel

@flamencodiva

@itmejado

@supernatural3002

@teresa-67

@thoughts-and-funnies

@hearteyes-j2

@peaches007

@bobbie3939

@vulgar-library

@writercole

@fairlyspnfanfic

@sexyvixen7

@spngi

@b3autyfuldisast3r

@donnaintx

@maliburenee

@the-family-business67

@agirlwithdemonblood

@captainsoldiergirl

@twinkleinadiamondsky

Jensen and Dean’s Babes

@deans-baby-momma

@impalaslytherin

@perpetualabsurdity

@msmarvelouswinchester

@akshi8278

@love-jackles

@irmcpar

@pink-sparkly-witch

@siospins2

@herstarburststories

@mimaria420

@deanwinchesterswitch

@charred-angelwings

@pascal-rascal424

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@jxackles

@lassie-bird

@samsgirl93

@shawnie74

@kaz11283

@mlovesstories

@ladysparks78

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evienorris · 9 months

Text

The confession

requested: yes! i lost the request but it said ”something related to kissing chris in the rain”

warnings: one cuss word, mentions of puking and bad writing😭

aurhors note: this is so bad but I thought I would try this! Also I wrote this on my phone at school so yeah😭💀

The Confession

Y/N’S POV:

Y/n had been friends with the triplets for about 2 years. Y/n moved to Boston and didnt have any friends. Luckily she met Nick. When she was at a Mcdonalds she spilled her drink on Nick and they both just bursted out laughing. Thats how she met Nick, which led to her being friends with the triplets.

Fast forward to now, theyve hanged out almost every day and Y/n noticed shed been developing feeings for Chris during that time. She first tried to just brush it out and hope the feelings fade. But lately, all she could think about was Chris. His blue eyes and gorgeus smile. Y/n daydreamed while at their house streaming. Nick of course noticed this. “Hey Y/n, whatcha thinking of?” Nick teased. “Oh nothing, just school stuff” Y/n answered. “You sure?You look kinda pale and sick” Matt said. Suddenly you felt weird and nauseous. You felt like you were about to pass out. Shit. You forgot to take your meds today. You felt like it just popped up and you were being dramatic. Then it hit you like someone punched you in the stomach. You stared at Matt in horror and got up slowly. The next thing you know is you puking into their toilet. You were just screaming apologies and ran out of the door. It was pouring rain and you had to find somewhere to stay.

CHRIS’ POV

Ive been friends with Y/n for 2 years now. She moved from minnesota due to her parents divorce. We have hung out a lot and she has become one of the keys to my happiness. I never thought Id cath feelings for her but lately ive been really thinking about it. One day I looked at her and boom. I fell in love. Thats where all the chaos started. I started to be distant from her and she hung out with Matt and Nick more. I knew she would never catch feelings for me so I just let it brush off.

I opened the door to Matt’s room and there she was. The most gorgeus girl ive ever seen. Her dark silky hair and her beautiful green eyes. I just stared at her but then she talked to me. “Hi Chris. Is everyhing alright??” I stuttered and said yes . I just walked out of the room and went to my own. In 15 minutes I heard Y/n apologise and run away through the door.

“ What the fuck! What happened?” I asked Matt. He explained everything and I needed to find her.

Y/N’S POV

I was running on the streets and stopped in front of an abandoned gas station. I sat there for about ten minutes until I heard someone running towards me. I jumped up and screamed but then I felt a warm feeling and noticed that someone hugged me. It was Chris. The boy Ive loved for over a year was hugging me.

I pulled out and looked at him.

He smiled down at me and I felt happy.” why did you come here?” I asked. ”I felt like you could use some support” he smiled. He looked at me and I felt the tension. Was this the moment? Would he kiss me? Suddenly I felt his lips on mine

I was shocked but so grateful he did it. After a while He pulled out and looked at me. “Y/n. Ive liked you for a long time now and I-“ he was interrupted by me kissing him. “Yes I will be your girlfriend”

he smiled at me and we both just faded into that moment. “EW CHRIS WTF” Nick yelled. how the fuck did he find us? We just looked at eachother and started laughing. Everyhting was just right.

#chris sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo x you #for you #fanfic #sturniolo triplets #fyp #trending #fluff #x reader #oneshot

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amazingmsme · 2 months

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Pre-Infusion Pity Party ramble under the cut but I’m just so overwhelmed rn & just want to get it all out

But god do I hate being like this. Why do I have to get stabbed in the chest every fucking month with a big ass needle, & pumped full of chemicals every other month just so I can fucking live? Why did my life have to change so much when I was just a kid? There’s gonna come a time where I’ve been knowingly living with this disease for longer than I had without it, & I don’t know how I’ll feel when that day comes. Rare disease awareness day just happened & I completely forgot & didn’t even care. It’s coming up on the 7 year anniversary of my outbreak, & it’s always a rough time for me

& to make matters worse, for over a fucking year it feels like older family members are dropping like flies. I don’t even know how many funerals I’ve been to in the past year. & we have yet another one on Sunday. & you see the toll it takes on everyone around you & you’re just like… are they next? Are they gonna be taken away?

I don’t have any irl friends because my supposed best friends stabbed me in the back & burned our friendship to the ground over a long torturous year, & while I am genuinely so much happier without them in my life, I feel so isolated. When I try to talk & engage with people, they act like you’re a fucking freak for trying to have a human conversation. Everyone is afraid of interaction now, & it sucks because humans are supposed to be social creatures. & it hurts because I’ve missed out on so much social interaction with my peers when I was & I know that my disease played a pretty big hand in that because I was the sick kid. Other mothers said shit to my mom’s face about how healthy their kids were, & even family members implied shit, essentially blaming her for my illness/weak immune system

& then you get diagnosed & those people fucking grovel & act so sorry & sympathetic but you know their true hypocritical character. It’s honestly revealed the ugliest of humanity. True sympathy is rare I feel like, replaced with pity

& I hate to say it, but most of the time, I don’t even like what I’m writing. There’s a line in Rainbow Rowell’s book Fangirl where Cath was reflecting on herself & her writers block/fics she’s written where she contemplates how many times she’s written this line, or some version of it? & I get caught up writing things others want to see, but the writing itself feels like a chore. & it’s not the fact that I think what I’m writing is bad, but I feel nothing.

I’m writing for fandoms & characters I’m not particularly wild about, & feel obligated to fulfill the request. Tbh there were only a handful of tickletober fics that I was actually excited about writing, & I fucking hate that. It’s why I was so over the moon when all the Hatchetfield & Epic peeps started showing up. Because I felt inspired again, & I can’t remember the last time I felt a spark like that

I haven’t been truly happy in a very long time, & I’m not sure when they’ll get better. But there’s still glimmers of light through the storm… even if they’re small or fleeting

TLDR: I’m fucking sick of getting infusions for the rest of my life, people all around me are dying, my best friends betrayed me, & I’ve been in one of the biggest creative slumps

#personal #i’d prefer if no one reblogged this #ashy rambles #just ignore me #tw needles

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ciderjacks · 5 months

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ok mild spoilers ahead but Dulcie and Caths whole deal is so fascinating to me

like we know they were having problems in sydney, and it was bad enough that Dulcie ended up having an affair. Based on what they say in the series, it seems like Dulcies job was probably what was causing a lot of the major issues. then, post affair we know Dulcie was extremely guilty, and Cath was using said guilt to make some major life changes (which is. Morally questionable, but then again so is having an affair.) including getting her to move to deadloch and quit her job. and this makes sense, because we see Dulcie repeatedly sacrifice her own wants when she senses Cath is mad, specifically that time she and Eddie question Cath, afterwards Dulcie notes that Cath is acting cold towards her and so offers to “talk about thinking about buying the farm”, it’s a way of compromising for her.

Bc of this, I imagine that after the affair she was willing to do whatever Cath wanted to do, even if it was making her miserable, since she felt like she’d lost the right to ask for things in the relationship. And she’d been living that way for 5 years, being severely unhappy and unfulfilled, she stuck by Cath’s side doing what she wanted and didn’t ask for anything and kept quiet because she felt like she needed to atone.

this was probably why she was so frustrated when Cath insisted she did it for both of them, and why her saying that the job was more important than their relationship and more important than Cath was such a big moment for her.

It’s not just that she was lashing out from frustration at Caths behaviour in the fight, it was something that had been coming for years. Her saying “I’m done atoning, I’m not sacrificing myself for you anymore.”

#deadloch #NOTE this is not an anti cath post and they make up by the end #I just think Dulcie is such a sad character sometimes. Like She is so repressed.#She’s also unbelievably patient and kind though so it’s kind of a double edged sword #spoliers #deadloch spoilers

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arlo-venn · 11 months

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Oh! But back to meeting with the surgeon about my gallbladder!

First of all, I love him. He is kind and thorough and respectful. Every time before he’d start to explain something, he would say, “as I’m sure you’ve already read,” / “I know you already know this, but…” and things of that nature. He spoke to me as if I am just as educated as he is.

He wants me to be seen by (his favorite) infectious diseases specialist so that we can test to see if there is still MRSA active in my body (which I didn’t know was a thing you could do! W H Y has NO ONE offered that to me before now?? Why didn’t Dr. Evil suggest that when I asked to come off the antibiotics!?) before we schedule the surgery, which I’m grateful for. He said even if it doesn’t end up relevant for the surgery, I deserve the peace of mind.

He ALSO wants me to see a rheumatologist to see if they can gauge “how bad of an Ehlers Danlos case” I am… I have NO idea what that entails but he wants to have as much info as he can in that regard with things like bleeding and anesthesia and slow wound healing in mind. I wasn’t aware that things could be assessed in such a way? Doctors who know about EDS are few and far between in this area but he says he will find one. I told him I’m willing to travel for it. (He doesn’t know one, he’s looking for one for me.)

He also does NOT cath for this surgery and confirmed there won’t be any need for anything below the belt to be messed with 🙏 He did say that sometimes, after surgery, people have bladder complications that may then require a catheter be placed, but he assured me that is rare and he’s a hardly ever had to.

He said, “you may have read that [word that means I have thickening of my gallbladder walls] can be a sign of cancer, but recent studies have come out showing that isn’t actually the case,” and then explained why. I didn’t even bring up cancer, he was just letting me know because he knows that’s what comes up when you google that word (I forget the word). He also went on to assure me that while he does not feel that cancer is a concern in my situation at all, they will be biopsy-ing every single one of the gallstones to make sure.

And! He had a female nurse come in so that we would not be alone when he needed me to lift my shirt, even though it was only my belly. He felt so safe that I didn’t even feel the need to ask about the pelvic exams under anesthesia thing or about having a witness present or anything. Literally ALL green flags.

Not only was he completely open to taking my personal experience with which pain medications do and do not work for me into account, but he seemed to genuinely appreciate the information bc it helps him do his job better. I forgot to ask if he’ll be willing to send refills if I am slower to heal than is expected, but he was so open to hearing me out and considering all things EDS that I’m not concerned about that at all. I think he will just believe me if I say that I need more.

#I think it was THE most positive medical experience I’ve ever had in my life #for my friends in Ohio if you want his name for if you or your loved ones ever need surgery lmk!#i couldn’t have asked for a better doctor to entrust with my unconscious body I stg #oh and you could tell by the way he and the staff interacted with each other that they all like him and are comfortable to be themselves #around him

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applesforthis · 2 days

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Deadloch fic rec list!

There's some really enjoyable fic out there in this fandom — this is by no means an exhaustive list. In fact, my whole reason for posting it is to encourage people to explore what's out there, if you haven’t yet.

That said, here are my personal favorites. I really love a fic where a character's voice has come through really well, and that's true of all of these.

Eddie, Dulcie and Cath:

north to the ocean, hotter than the sun by halfeatenmoon (explicit)

This is so hot and so funny. I love this Cath: so in-character and so completely excellent. So many of her and Eddie’s lines in this made me die laughing ("domestic"!!). And I really love Dulcie and Eddie’s vibe, here; their interactions made me flail so hard.

Deadloch, day eight by Despire (teen and up)

One of my favorite things about the show was the way Eddie looks at Dulcie, and how it changes over time as they get closer. This fic...has somehow managed to capture that energy perfectly, and it really got me in my feelings. I love Eddie so much and I love Eddie with Dulcie so much.

Keep On Gruckin’ by kirazi (explicit)

This fic includes a lot of little character notes that feel so absolutely right, to me, particularly for Dulcie and Cath. I love how…sort of shy Dulcie and Eddie are around each other. And I love seeing what Dulcie loves about Cath; I love seeing those two in a really believable, really happy relationship. Searing hot, as well.

house rules by halfeatenmoon (teen and up)

This has two things I love: Eddie and Cath becoming friends, and Dulcie playing the straight man/stooge who has to deal with their shenanigans. This is so in-character and so cute and fun.

despite all my bad decisions by DeanBean (explicit)

I love this version of Dulcie SO MUCH. She has a lot of overlap with how I see Dulcie, actually. I really buy her — I felt very convinced by this and like I could see the things that were happening while I was reading. Excellent, and also so hot.

In Plain Sight by applesforthis (explicit)

I feel awkward reccing my own fic. But, well — I posted it on April first, and afterward a couple people pointed out that tumblr was full of boops that day and that many people may have missed it for that reason. If you want a very character-driven, slow-build Eddie/Dulcie(/Cath) story leading to polyamory, with lots of personal growth and relationship-building and a very happy ending, then this is for you.

Abby-focused:

The difference is kissing someone you actually like by Lenore (teen and up)

This Abby is so absolutely in-character. And so is Deadloch. Can a place be said to be in-character? I don’t know but this fic has nailed it. I love seeing Abby’s ups and downs as she works on doing something daunting without the support that she’s used to. I love how much she loves her job, and I love the happy ending.

Everything Good Happens After Midnight by skyvillage (teen and up)

This is so sweet. I really liked Abby and Sharelle being friends in canon, and this feels like such a natural extension of that.

#deadloch #deadloch fic rec #fic rec #fanfiction rec list #fanfic rec list #fanfiction recommendation #dulcie collins #eddie redcliffe #cath york #abby matsuda #sharelle muir #kate the forensic pathologist

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trickster-archangel · 1 year

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I was rewatching 4x01, and holy shit.

I had forgot the absolute disgust, I'd say the complete and mortal offense you can read on Steve's face when Danny more or less implies that he should, maybe, dunno, have told Gabby that he loved her (Danny, my dude, just a tip: I love you but you're an idiot. If you have to think about saying or not saying "love you" to your girlfriend you've been dating for one year, with whom you have, your words, something nice - wow, don't squander, isn't nice a bit too strong of a word??? - then you're doing it wrong, all wrong, epically wrong, and you better leave her and DON'T DATE ANY OTHER BREAST-EQUIPPED HUMAN because you're clearly dating all the wrong people since you refuse to say the word).

YoU wAnT tO tElL hEr ThAt YoU lOvE hEr?!?!1!1?1!

Steve, my dude, that's not what a supportive best bro should ask his best friend. That's a petty, peeved, jealous, annoyed, pissed reaction from someone who's painted green. Emerald green. Camouflage green. Bottle green. All the greens of the greenery.

Yes, sure, he backpedals by adding that he should say it only if he means it...which is the kind of manly bullshit that he thinks will make him look all wise and broody. Too bad, again, that Danny lasercuts through his bullshit (drunken confessions together on the lanai till dawn? sulky Catherine one afternoon at Kame's truck trading secrets about their favourite Neanderthal?) and snarkily calls him out on the fact that he, Steven McGarrett, definitely never told someone that he loved them so he cannot speak from experience.

Truth is, Steve doesn't want Danny to tell Gabby those three words. He doesn't want to her him say it, because if he says it then it's real, and if it's real then it's Rachel all back again because he fucking left a voicemail to Rachel, whom he had always sworn he hated and resented and with whom he had told Steve it was over, also the respect let alone the love (and he had lied to Steve, it was the only time but hell will freeze before Steve forgets that Danny couldn't tell him about Rachel like he's telling him about Gabby), and in the voicemail he said that he loved her, and if he loves Gabby then he's lost Danny again.

And then he proceeds to go save Catherine like his life depended on it. Sure, he's done the same shit to save Chin too, he almost died to help Jenna, and he'd do exactly the same for everyone in his team. And she's not his girlfriend anyway, right? Both Steve and Catherine agree on this, at least. She's team.

But Steve says I cannot lose her too. And sure, he's thinking about his father. But it does sound a little strange that he immediately feels the need to reaffirm Catherine's presence in his life, and her necessity, just when Danny tells him he should probably, dunno, maybe, tell Gabby that he loves her (as a treat, because she makes him happy.....I have no words).

When he found Danny with Rachel and understood that he probably would've left Hawai'i (and Steve) right away, his reaction was to bust his whole life and career and break into the governor's house. He had nothing left to lose anymore.

When he heard that voicemail and knew, just knew, that he could never compete with Rachel, his immediate reaction was to bring Cath to the charity event as his plus one. An event where only the members of Five-0 were present, with no plus one. No Malia, no Gabby (although abroad, yes) nor Grace, no Fong. No plus one. But Steve felt the need to reaffirm his grasp on Catherine exactly when he felt it slip away from Danny for good. Going away with her for his scheduled training. To mark his territory and make sure, to himself mainly, that at least he had Cath.

I cannot lose her too can be easily disguised as shock for another one of his people being taken away to punish him, but it also does sound, more subtly, probably unconsciously, as a knee-jerk reaction to having lost Danny, once again.

#h50 #mcdanno #mcdanno meta #steve mcgarett #h50 4x01 #jilted lover!steve and pining!steve are such a unit #pining!steve #heartbroken!steve #mtmcd #danny willams

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typingwithmyhandstied · 2 months

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What characters made you feel seen?

A lot of the time, I don't care to look for characters I relate to. I mostly look at them and think of them as friends and different than me. I prefer that I think. I think I'm terrified of seeing myself in a bad way in a character. I think I'd rather see what I wish I was than what I am in characters. I'd rather aspire than be like.

I'm even more affected in seeing in characters what I think I could be. That's why Sadie from I Hope This Doesn't Find You by Ann Liang, Jude Duarte from TCP, and Elinor Dashwood from Sense and Sensibility affect me a lot. Sadie and Elinor are people pleasers and suppressors of emotion. I feel like I could have been them. I could still be them. Hide my own feelings. Live for others. Always try to please and be liked. Then, Jude is upsetting because she was what I was worried that I would become if I did break out of those patterns while the others are if I didn't. What if ceasing to try to make people like me turned into me being evil?

There are other characters that I've related to, and it terrified me. For example, for the first bit of Heartless, I related to Cath. I felt for her. I felt seen, but then she turned evil. She turned bad.

I still see myself in these characters but not the current version. The same really goes for Celia a lot of the time. Especially her during TVD. I also do see a bit of myself in Orion, probably because he is a bit of a people pleaser sometimes and always feels like he has to help. I do also see myself in characters like Jo March. When I first watched Greta Gerwig's version and she declares that the "world will not forget the name Jo March," I felt that. I realized that I did not want people to forget my name. I wanted to be remembered. I was horrified of being forgotten. I've recovered from that facet of myself a bit though. I also want to live a simple life, but I also want to be great. I see myself in Edward Ferras, saying greatness isn't for him. I might just be one great paradox.

I do see myself a lot in people's fears. I love Kell Maresh so much because he shares one of mine. He fears death. He fears it just being the end. He fears ceasing to exist. He fears being forgotten. That was me. That was me as a child, not able to fall asleep at night out of fear I'd been lied to. Out of fear that neither Heaven or Hell existed. That's why I hung so greatly to the wish to be great. To not be forgotten even if I was gone. I've gotten over this for the most part, but it was hard.

Like Peeta, I fear that the world will change me. I fear being evil. I fear my own possibly fall into evil more than people around me turning against me I think. So yeah. I feel seen in that. This may have slightly turned into a post about my fear that I'm a horrible person or will become one.

#thank you for the ask <3 #this got really long and kind of person sorry

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camille-bee · 2 years

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QUICK MESSY THOUGHTS ON EP 7 OF HOTD ALSO OUT OF ORDER LOL

- DAEMON LAUGHING AT LAENAS FUNERAL WAS SUCH A MOOD BECAUSE I DID THE SAME THING AT MY FRIENDS FUNERAL IM SORRY I WAS TIRED OF BEING SAD AND I JUST SNAPPED 😩

- rhaenyra and daemon stealing glances and him kinda giggling and like what the fu-

- ummm what's the point of crispin?

- alicent staring at rhaenyra I could hear her saying "you targaryen do have queer customs" lmaoooo

- ummm daemon come on babe say what you need to say "i need- nothing" uh huh sure honey and he looked so distraught (whispers: I don't think it was because of laena, at least not entirely)

- almond milk kinda wanting to say sorry to jace? But not knowing how? kinda felt that? Omg? What is this?

-BAELA LISTEN BAELA BAELA THE WAY SHE GRABBED JACES HAND BECAUSE SHE KNEW HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY OMG???? IDK WHY I GASPED BUT I DID?

- almond milk being ? Kinda nice? About haleana? Uhhhhh okay? That was nice? Him defending his sister?

- RHAENYRA EYE FUCKING DAEMON? YES SIS SAME HERE?

-BUT THE BEACH SCENE?? MIGUEL YOU ARE ABOUT TO CATH THEEE HANDS! MY EYES WERE STRAINING!!!!

-YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH DAEMON WAS WANTING TO RESTRAIN HIMSELF AGAIN LIKE IN THE BROTHEL SCENE BUT HE SAW HOW MUCH SHE WANTED HIM??? AND HE JUST SAID "FUCK IT"

- also WHEN DAEMYRA WERE WALKING ON THE BEACH AND SHE STARTED TO SPEAK ABOUT HER UHHH FINDING JOY IN SEX THE WAY DAEMON JUST SMILED??? LIKE HE WAS KINDA PROUD OF HER???? UGHHHH YES? THANK YOU KING!

- DAEMONS SCARS? THE WAY HE CARESSED HER SHOULDER? THE WAY HE SOFTLY GRABBED HER THIGH AND THEN HE REALLY GRABBED IT!!!!! THE PANTING! THE MUSIC!!! (the only think I dont get is the look rhaenyra has?) I have to watch again... for information ofc

-Rhaenys going off on corlys? Speaking facts about his ambitions? Yes yes

- Almond milk claiming vhagar? The audacity? fucker taking what he wants essentially

- VHAGAR you traitorous bitch you are dead to me

-okay but the whole almond milk riding vhagar sequence with the music? That was kinda iconic fuxk

-ummm aegon uhhhh no thoughts head empty huh

- otto love to hate you

- viserys you sweet decaying fool at least you can act kingly when it comes to your grandsons

- I kinda felt bad for alicent because her son did lose an eye and ofc she's upset. Her son lost an eye like I wouldn't care if my son was at fault HE LOST AN EYE!!!! Buuuut

-Alicent you bitch. You self righteous bitch. She deadass grabs a knife and SHE GOES STRAIGHT FOR LUKE!!! LUC? IF IT WASN'T FOR RHAENYRA WHO WAS CHECKING IN ON HER KIDS, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE FACT THAT SHE INAVERTEDLY WAS A SHIELD! ALICENT WOULD'VE ATTACKED A CHILD! WTFFFFFFFFF

-Alicent repenting yeah sure crocodile tears

- I feel so bad because the way I cheered when almond milk lost his eye? Oooof that was kinda embarrassing of me 😭 there's audio proof of the moment lol but he deserved it for punching BAELA

-BAELA BAELA LISTEN I ADORE YOU? THE PUNCH SHE THREW? OOF SHE KNOCKED HIM THE FUCK DOWN

- JACE DISTRACTING ALMOND MILK AND LUKE DELIVERING THE FINAL CUT? SO ICONIC OF THEM? TEAMWORK!!

-THE WEDDING WAS SO FUCKING GORGEOUS!!!!! HER TOUCH TO HIS FACE? HIS SMILE? THEIR KISS???? UGHHHHH AHHHHHHH the THEME????. AHHHH GIVE IT TO ME!!!

- oh yeah laenor lives. Huh

- OMG THE WAY LAENOR WAS SO SWEET TO RHAENYRA THOUGH!! AND YOU CAN INSTANTLY TELL WHEN HE SAYS " ILL TRY TO BE THE HUBBY YOU DESERVE" OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT YOU CAN INSTANTLY TELL THE MOMENT RHAENYRA THINKS OF DAEMON.

- QARL GLANCING AT DAEMONS LIPS TWICE? DOWN BOY

- WHEN DAEMON AND RHAENYRA ARE PLOTTING THAT SHOT! HE SITS DOWN WHILE SHE REMAINS STANDING! SORT OF LIKE HE'S KNEELING BEFORE HER! AHHAHH

- was it daemons idea to let Laenor live? Idk kinda got that vibe but maybe I'm just sleep deprived lol

There was obviously more small moments I liked a lot but I'm tired lol

Sorry for the typos.

Also glad miguel ain't directing anymore eps.

#daemon targaryen #rhaenyra targaryen #daemon x rhaenyra #rhaenyra x daemon #daemyra

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theorizingtheo · 11 months

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Sapphic religious poetry rant cuz my last exam is tomorrow🥲

My whole life, I've been told Lying is a sin to God But He can see right through your soul Something you cannot control

So why should I not lie When what happens once I die Is He judges and proclaims Who will burn in Hell's flames

And the Judgement he gives out Is fair and just, that I don't doubt But anything I've left unsaid Be it bad, or harsh, or well Before Him all will spread And I'll have nothing left to mell

So, if He sees all that untold All restrained lies now unfold Will it matter I kept it in That I caged it all within?

Pastors answer me with no Parents claim they do not know Friends toy around the issue Strangers often hand me a tissue

Wiping the shame right off my face I adopt an even pace Trying hard to hide the truth Of mistakes in my long lost youth Made in spontaneous reaction Once I felt my first attraction

She was like the sun's first rays And as if I was blind for days She enlightened me a path And that's when I met Cath

Short for Catherine, her name Sounded too holy for this plane She blessed my days with light and grace She took me in her sweet embrace

And that is when the lying started As I answered when prompted That we were only ever friends And that's as long as our relationship extends.

But Cath was tired of lying And one day, when she was crying She drew a line between us two She flew away for someplace new

I lost her

I lost myself

I lost my faith

I lost my light

I lost my truth

I lost my lies

I lost myself within my lies And I lost her within my truth

But how could I hold onto all When my body's so small All the feelings, thoughts contained Day by day all that I reined Would sometime all combust And that would've been the worst

But that day had come It was gone and left me numb To the feelings of regret That I blunted with a cigarette And now I lay awake at night Trying to discern what is right And I come to the same conclusion That only births in me confusion

Why did I hurt the one I love How could I hunt down a dove Why hide such a common action As the one that's called attraction Beneath a veil of lies That God himself despises?

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ask-the-shiny-pokemons · 8 months

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Rotie DB (Relationships)

Positive: 💕 Love / 💖 Really like / ❤️ Like Neutral: 🤍 Negative: 💔 Hate / 🤎 Really dislike / 🖤 Dislike

Wil

On-blog:

Rimi - 💖💖💖 9 - My new best friend. I like her voice (talking and singing), it’s so charming.

Tim - 💖💖💖 9 - My foster dad. He is the closest in this family.

Cath - 💖💖💖 9 - My best friend before Rimi. Don't get me wrong, she is still my best friend.

Edin - 💕💖🤍 9 - He is a cooler guitarist. We have a romantic relationship now, though it was unexpected for me.

Noelle - 💖🤍🤍 3 - Coolest drummer. We met fairly recently though.

Linda - ❤️❤️🖤 1 - My school friend. She is, however, a bit irritating.

Diego - 🖤🤍🤍 -1 - My fave actor. Though we are now rivals.

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

Kaleo (ask-the-lost-prince) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - I met him in Alola and after that he went to the studios to talk about the movies. He is so cool. I wonder what happened to him afterwards…

Skarla (askpokepals) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - Basically the W buddies.

Fuegia (eevee-crossing) - 💖🤍🤍 3 - Met her in Gala, but we’re barely talked.

Crow (ask-gimmiventures) - ❤️🤍🤍 1 - I'm rooting to them to be a part of a Guild!

Vanta (darkvoid-sun) - 🤍🤍🤍 0 - I have no big sympathy on Darkrai, but he seems kind as for me.

Rimi

On-blog:

Noelle - 💕💕💕 15 - My girlfriend. She might be weird, but I love weird characters.

Arin - 💖💖💖 9 - My dad and I love him. He's also an inspiration for my band.

Wil - 💖💖💖 9 - My friend. We are spending time together outside my band activities.

Edin - 💖💖❤️ 7 - Our strongest member of the band. He is so charming.

Leia - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - My mom. Her malasadas are truly impressing

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

North (ask-north) - 💖💖❤️ 7 - Jolly girl. She seem to be a human, but she can transform into Pokémon (can be from my universe too). She REALLY likes malassadas.

Hope (book-of-legends) - 💖💖❤️ 7 - A Lunala and also a mom. She REALLY did enjoyed malasadas. A bit remind me of North.

Earendel (book-of-legends) - 💖💖❤️ 7 - I've never seen anyone eating malasadas with such excitement!

Prince (ask-the-lost-prince) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - My fan and possibly my former buddy at school.

Cherry (ask-gimmiventures) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - She is very kind and gave me a cupcake.

Ivy (rescuerivy) - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - Her rice dumplings are way too tasty.

Hibiscus (polteashop) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - She seems nice and the tea tastes wonderful.

Reshi (lightofunova) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - An Unovian legendary. I say she’s very sweet for this and this is very nice.

Sirius (book-of-legends) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - I've met him during Valentine's Day, but it was a disaster and really felt bad at him when this Hoopa did some shenanigans to him. Looks like he somewhat enjoyed our malasada, though he still feels a bit sour with me and Noey.

Pixel (ask-gimmiventures) - ❤️❤️🤍 2 - He seems very chill for his work.

Farrow (asksavel) 💖🖤🤍 2 - I feel poor to them, but their tone when I gave a malasada…

Destino (ask-the-royal-absol) 🤎🖤🤍 -4 - Working with them is a big mistake…

Lief (ask-team-misfit) 🤎🖤🖤 -5 - He's bully, did make me irritate, make innocent folks cry, including pollen shenanigans. But I hope he'll improve one day.

Journey (book-of-legends) 💔🖤🖤 -7 - ...Just...what are they did with poor Meowstic is unacceptable...

Noelle

On-blog:

Rimi - 💕💕💕 15 - My girlfriend. We want to be together...forever...

Edin - 💖❤️🖤 5 - He still stinks, but he’s my friend no matter what.

Wil - 💖🤍🤍 3 - We just only met, but he seems very cool.

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

Silas (ask-north / tricks-n-illusions) - 💕💕🤍 10 - I think he's now a little bro to me... Yes, he did horrible things, but I don't believe he did on his own. Regardless, my love of him is still strong. After our recent reunion, my Houndoominite became a Silasimite after he returned back to me.

Ivy (rescuerivy) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - Even if we barely met, I really like her dumplings given by Rimi.

Javi (ask-javi-the-grafaiai) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - WHY THOSE BERRIES TASTE SO GOOD? I WANNA KNOW WHERE YA GETTIN' FROM...

Edin

On-blog:

Wil - 💕💖💖 11 - YAHOO WE FINALLY MET AT LAST!!!

Rimi - 💖💖❤️ 6 - My closest friend in the band.

Noelle - 💖❤️❤️ 5 - I think she can understand me now at least…

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once):

Prince (askthepaldeanpassenger) - 💖❤️🤍 4 - He's pretty playful. Next time when we meet again we'll make sure to play.

Layrian

On-blog:

Arin - ❤️🤍💔 - -4 - My boss. We're not in best conditions right now.

Off-blog (only if interacted more than once or given impression):

Bingo (askvekpa) - 💖💖🤍 6 - Thank you for the water!

Mimipon (ask-mimipon) - 💖💖🤍 6 - Thank you for the candy!

Wesn (pokege-ne-project) - 💖💖🤍 6 - Thank you for giving me a blanket!

Tim (to be added later)

Rimi's icon by book-of-legends. Wil, Noelle, Edin, and Tim's icons were modified by me.

#rotie db #relationships

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