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dirtybitfic · 2 months

Text

Ghostface

matt sturniolo x fem reader

contains~ smutt, violence , chasing , threatening calls

your pov-

I was sitting on my couch watching a movie eating some chocolate covered strawberries . I was supposed to be out with friends tonight but they cancelled on me last minute. So i'm all alone in my house bored as an absolute mother fucker.

I couldn't tell you how long i've been sitting here watching movies but i'm getting tired of it so I decided to take a shower.

I made my way upstairs when I heard a loud bang from outside . I would normally be shitting my pants but its storming really hard outside so I write it off .

I grabbed my speaker and connected my phone and started my shower playlist.

I got into my hot steamy shower singing along to the songs as I washed my body . I heard another loud sound outside but again its storming so I choose to ignore it . I just started rinsing out the conditioner in my hair when my power went out.

I immediately freaked out rushing to find my towel in the dark bathroom. I have a major fear of the dark , so much that my heart is pounding and I can feel it in my throat. I finally find my towel and turn off my speaker and turn on my phone flashlight.

I make my way out of the bathroom and down to the breaker in the down stairs laundry room. I have a chilling feeling that runs up my back as I reach the end of the stairs. I look around to see if there is any movement just to be safe . I make my way down the hall to the laundry room and open the door and find the breaker on the wall .

I flip the switch for the electric and the lights come back on and my heart starts to slow down . I sigh loudly as I make my way back to the shower to finish rinsing my hair. I turn the water back on and hop in rinsing the rest of the conditioner out and stand under the hot water for a bit to calm my nerves.

I make my way back out of the bathroom in my towel and enter my bedroom . I had left my curtains open earlier but I made my way over to shut them since I was about to change.

As I was making my way to my closet for a pair of underwear and a sleep shirt my phone rang.

*you answer the phone

hello?

what's your favorite scary movie?

What?

I start to feel a weird feeling in my gut telling me I should hang up but ... I don't

what's your favorite scary movie?

listen im not in the mood for prank calls so fuck off

no need to get hostile the deep voice says from the other line

im sorry but really im not in the mood so bye

I hang up the phone and go to my closet grabbing the clothes I need and go back to my room . My phone rings again. And my stomach drops.

Listen im gonna get pissed off in a second so stop calling me

wait don't hang up

fine what do you want

I wanna know your favorite scary movie

why?

because I just do come on tell me

I don't know . I guess the original scream ...and this call is feeling very familiar now that I think about it

mmm interesting choice why do you like the scream movies

reasons that I will not be telling a stranger on the phone so bye

I hang up the phone again . I honestly just want to go to bed i'm tired and pissed off now . I take off my towel drying my hair then the rest of the water off my body .

my phone rings again this time I pick it up and I don't hold back.

LISTEN ASSHOLE I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU KEEP BOTHERING ME BUT IM NOT IN THE FUCKING MOOD

your cute when your angry the voice on the other end says with a dark chuckle.

what ... what the fuck did you just say the line goes dead and I start to panic. My heart is racing and my breathing accelerated I quickly throw on my underwear and shirt and turn around to face the door .

I hear a small creak down the hall and I look around my room for anything I can use as a weapon only to find nothing.

I internally curse myself for not owning weapons but in what world would I ever think a man could be in my house playing tricks on me .

I hear another creak and I back up closer to the window . I decided to crack the curtains and look outside to see if I could see someone in the backyard but all I see is darkness and trees swaying from the storm.

I hear another creak this time downstairs. I stupidly decided to tip toe my way to the door and open in and slowly make my way down the hall to the stairs . I hear another creak then another and I immediately clutch my chest feeling my hart beat so fast I feel like I could drop dead any second. One thing about me is fear... excited me it's embarrassing my fear and adrenaline turn me on .

I hear foot steps get closer to the stairs and I whip around the wall so if the person looks up they won't see me .

The only thing is how did the person on the phone know how I looked pissed off. There was no-one in my room ....

I hear steps up the stairs slowly. I hold my breath .

I know you're up there sweetheart a deep voice says and my pulse quickens. The voice matches the one from the phone call .

I slowly tip toe my way back down the hall keeping watch of the stairs as I hear the stairs creek under his feet. I creep across the wall but my back hits a picture and it falls off the wall . FUCK

The person runs up the stairs and I see a man tall and thin with broad shoulders . In a ghostface mask at the top of the stairs menacingly turning his head to look at me . I hold my breathe as he tilts his head . I clench my thighs as the sight. I should be scared out of my mind right now but that fucking mask. It does things to me .

You gonna run he asks his deep voice muffled by the mask.

I immediately turn and run to my room as his steps follow close behind before I can even close the door his foot stops it and he slams in open so hard I fall back on my ass. That fucking hurt.

I look up at him as he cocks his head to the side and I can just tell hes smirking at me . fucking asshole.

He steps in and I crawl back on my hands as I push away with my feet . My breathing is so loud it’s all that can be heard inside my dark room.

this helpless victim look is really good on you he says as he walks to stand above me as my back hits the end of my bed frame.

I kick his shin and he grunts but doesn't move .

FUCK YOU .GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE

I wish I meant what I just said but every part of me wants nothing more than this masked man to stay .

ohhh but thats no fun . You never answered my question he says as he bends down right in front of my face .

yes I did I told you my favorite movie now get the fuck out

not that question ,... my follow up question

wh-what follow up question .

honestly I didn't wanna answer that question it would escalate the situation i'm in right now and I know my dumb ass would enjoy the outcome but im trying to make smart choices by keeping my answer to myself.

You know what question don't act stupid sweetheart he says deeply as he gets even closer to my face .

like I said im not telling you now.Leave before I call the cops

oh I wouldn't do that if I were you

oh yeah and why not

he pulls out a knife and glides it up my thigh causing my muscles to tense . Now im actually scared.

because id have to hurt you ... and that the last thing I want to have to do he says and the blade moves over my arm and under my chin as he tilts my chin up to look at him. I hate that the mask shows none of his face and the dark room does nothing to reveal his eyes under the mask. But I know he's making eye contact with me I can feel it.

t-then what do you want to do to me

answer my question and maybe ill answer yours he says in a deep husky tone

o-okay i... I like scream because of the masks

mmm ... and what do the masks make u feel

i... turned on . Im totally fucked but the fact he has a knife so close to my neck is the reason i'm answering honestly . Not to mention the obvious arousal soaking my thong right now.

atta girl see was that so hard to say he slowly retracts the knife and puts it behind him.

n-no .now answer my question

mmm you really wanna know

yes I say in a whisper as he moves even closer so his mask covered face is right by my ear.

i've been watching you for a while . I have cameras in your house that you'd never know where there ... my breathe hitches as I think about all the things i've done in my house that he could have watched ... embarrassing things id never want anyone to see.

the things I want to do to you are depraved , dark and rough . his hand slides up my thigh dangerously close to my soaked pussy thats clenching from the words he's said.

the worst thing is I was planning on taking you as my next victim . But something so beautiful should never be killed for the fun of it. i've groan to crave you in other ways.Your little mask kink makes this ten times better.

his hand grazes my soaked thong and a small whimper leaves my mouth.

y-you were going to...kill me I gasp as his fingers slip past the fabric and graze my bare pussy.

yes but now... I have other things in mind for you

l-like what I whine as his fingers touch my clit and rub small circles.

like this he says as his fingers plunge into my soaked pussy and I clench around them

hmm I whine as he hits a good spot with his long slender fingers.

do you want me to stop he asks in a low voice.

I shake my head N-no

you like this don't you

I nod my head yes

just a beautiful deranged little mess

I cry out as his fingers speed up and I feel myself close to orgasming. I know this is wrong.. so very wrong but i've never felt so alive in my life. It's my fantasy come to life .

f-fuck oh my I moan as I grasp his bicep.

so... so beautiful he says as his other hand traces my face.

my legs start to shake as my orgasm approaches

you gonna cum all over my fingers

y-yes god yes

give it to me I want to watch you fall apart as you cum on my fingers

his words set my skin ablaze as I cum all over his fingers as whimpers escape my mouth

oh-my god

he pulls his fingers out of me as he lifts his mask to suck his fingers clean .

I notice his nice pink lips and the light stubble on his chin and sharp jawline and the small stubble above his lip .

he drops it back down as I catch my breathe.

what's you name beautiful

y/n

I knew it would be as beautiful as I imagined

what's your name its only fair I know

he takes a second probably contemplating if he should tell me or not.

my name is matt

well matt ... what else do you want to do to me

mmm you have no idea he groans as he cups my cheeks in his large hands .

enlighten me then I say as I grow more excited with each second .

get on the bed and spread your legs wide for me

I get up and sit on the edge of the bed slipping off my thong and spreading my legs wide.

such a pretty little pussy he groans as he kneels at the end of the bed.

his large hands come up to the mask as he slowly slides it off his face and MY GOD HES BEAUTIFUL. Bright blue eyes, sculpted cheeks and rich brown hair that falls perfectly over his forehead.

wow I sigh as I take in his face .

he looks up at me with his beautiful eyes as a smirk lands on his lips.

like what you see

like is an understatement

he chuckles .

he stands up as he slips his shirt over his head reveling an arm covered in tattoos and cut collar bones and broad shoulders.

he leans over me as he smashes his lips on mine in a deep kiss that has my heart fluttering and my body melting into the bed.

I move my hands up over his stomach and over his shoulders to the back of his neck pulling him closer to me by his hair and he groans into the kiss.

he pulls away as his hands move to the bottom of my shirt sliding it up and over my head.

so beautiful he groans as he takes my nipple into his mouth .

I moan as I arch into him as he sucks and nips creating bruises on my tits.

his hands moves to my waist as he pulls me closer to him .

I can feel his large thick bulge through his jeans causing me to moan louder . He unlatches from my tits and hovers back over me .

I move my hands down his body to his belt slowly unbuckling it .

He groans as he watches my smaller hands remove his belt and unbutton his jeans. I slowly slide them down as he kicks them off completely and dear god the bulge confined by his boxers is huge I audibly gulp.

What’s the matter … scared you can’t take it he says with a smirk

I roll my eyes and pull him closer to me by his hips.

I know I can take it I testify as I move one hand to palm his dick. This is definitely gonna hurt .

Mmm we’ll see about that he says as he slides his boxers down and his dick smacks his stomach.

It’s large thick and veiny . I stare unintentionally as his large hand wraps around it strocking it a couple times.

He steps closer to me as he aligns himself with my entrance. I sigh as he rubs the tip through my wet folds .

You sure you want this he asks genuinely which I admire him getting my consent givin the circumstances.

I nod my head . yes Matt I want it I say as I look into his eyes

He groans as he slowly slides the tip in causing me to hiss from the stretch from how thick he is .

He stares down at me watching my face noticeably scrunched in discomfort.

You okay he ask as he stops pushing in .

Mhm your just … really big

I know sweetheart but you can take it he coos and the mention of the Nick name has me clenching around him.

Mmm you like when I call you that hmm

He says in a deep voice causing me to shudder.

Mmhm I whimper as he pushes in deeper

You’re almost there being such a good girl he groans causing me to moan and pulse around him.

He pushes all the way in and I gasp . I’ve never felt so full in my entire life . He stills letting me adjust to his size . I tap his arm after a little bit .

Y-you can move

He starts thrusting in and out slowly causing me to whine. The stinging stretch feeling is going away and morphing into pure pleasure.

F-fuck faster please please I whine and he immediately picks up pace causing me to moan loudly as he hits so deep in me I feel him in my guts.

Such a good girl taking me so well he groans as he keeps eyes contact with me as I writhe underneath him.

F-fuck your so deep I moan as he speeds up pace even more as my eyes shut and my head falls back onto the bed.

I feel and orgasm creeping in and my legs start to slightly shake.

Fuck your so fucking wet for me

He groans as he grips my hips harder maintaining the same pace that has my eyes rolling into the back of my head.

Fuck I’m so close mmm

I moan as I look up at him and maintain eye contact as he smirks at me .

Come on cum all over my cock like the little slut you are

The second those words leave his mouth my orgasm hits me like a train and I shake underneath him as whimpers leave my mouth.

Fu-fuck oh my god I gasp as I come down from my high and he still continues fucking into me at a fast pace.

Fuck you feel so good he groans as he grips my highs and pulls them over his shoulder as he wraps his arms around them holding my calves to his chest . He’s hitting my gspot repeatedly causing my back to arch and my legs to shake.

F-fuck harder I moan and he looks down at me .

Yeah you want me to pound this pussy

I moan at his words and nod my head.

Y-yes fuck yes please

He starts pounding into me roughly and my legs shake uncontrollably.

FUCK FUCK

I can’t help but scream from how deep he is . I’ve never felt this good having sex before and I don’t want it to end.

Sound so pretty when you scream he groans as he pounds into me harder .

I feel pressure building telling me I’m going to squirt .

I grabs his thigh and whine not being able to get words out .

Let it out sweetheart

He coos as I shake under him as I squirt all over his dick .

Fuckk just like that so fucking sexy he groans as I gasp and shake under him.

JESUS CHRIST I scream as I come down and I look down at my stomach to see his dick bulging up into my stomach.

He looks down smirking as he watches the way my stomach bulges with every thrust

Feel how deep I am hmm he says pressing a hand down making me scream

FUCK FUCK OH MY - G -GOD the pleasure he’s giving me right now is beyond anything I’ve ever felt in my life.

I grab his arm tightly as I throw my head back and my mouth hangs open as I breathe so hard it sounds like I’m hyperventilating

Tell me how good I’m making you feel he rasps as his free hand grabs my throat making me look back at him

So good - s-so fucking good I whimper as I feel another orgasm approaching

Such a good girl for me you close sweetheart

He says as I clench around him.

Y-yes fuck I’m gonna cum I whine as I feel my legs shake and the pressure close to breaking.

Cum all over my cock baby come on I know you can do it

I scream out as I cum all over him and I shake uncontrollably.

That’s it doing so good He groans as he fucks me through my orgasm

I come down and I’m still shaking from overstimulation.

He stops thrusting and pulls out I whine.

Flip over on your stomach he rasps and I do just that.

My arms are in front of me gripping the comforter as his hands trace my waist to my ass.

He groans as his hand come down harshly on my ass causing me to jolt .

Such a beautiful girl he coos as I moan

He lines his tip back up to my entrance plunging in deep and hard.

I scream as he pounds into me so hard my legs lift of the bed and kick at his ass.

FUCK SO DEEP I C-CANT

I scream out as I move my hands to try and push him away but he grabs them with one hand and yanks my hair back with the other causing me whine.

I thought you said you can handle me

He rasps as he thrust into me harder and I scream.

FUCK FUCK O-H MY

Yeah is my dirty little slut feeling good

Mmmhm I whine as my legs shake and another orgasm crashes over me out of nowhere .

Fuck keep fucking squeezing me just like that he groans as his thrust get sloppy and he lets go of my hair pulling my arms back straight and my back arches of the bed and he plows into me fast and ruff.

Fuuuck gonna let me fill you up ?

He asks as his thrust get sloppy

Mmmhm fuck please give it to me

I whine as I grab onto his arms as my legs shake uncontrollably.

Fuck god damn he groans as I feel his cum fill me up and his thrust slow down as he fucks his cum into me nice and slow.

He pulls out slowly as I whine .

He grabs my hair and there’s a camera in my face .

Such a pretty face he says as I look back at him and notice he put the mask back on I’m guessing for the picture he just took .

He takes it back off throwing it in the ground.

Come on let’s get you in a shower he says as he picks me up and takes me into the bathroom as I go pee and he turns the water on . I just showered but after everything he just did to me I’m in need of another one.

I get in as he stands behind me lathering me in body wash and letting me rinse it off .

My hair is already washed so we just stand under the hot water letting our muscles relax.

After probably 20 minutes we get out and dry off I go to my room and grab a new pair of underwear and a sweatshirt and sit back down on the bed.

He comes and sits next to me .

Can I tell you something he asks as he looks down at me

Yeah

I said as I looked up at him .

I was never planning on killing you obviously I’m not a murderer I actually found this he says as he reaches down into a bag I guess he had with him.

He pulls out a note book that looks very familiar. My diary I’d been looking for for weeks.

You had left it in a coffee shop and I picked it up and read a couple pages which I’m sorry about that but I saw your number and address in the please return too page and I couldn’t help myself but find out who you were.

I just look at him in shock obviously he read specific pages which led him to what he did tonight

I read the page of your ghost face fantasy and well you know … after watching you for a couple days I decided to give it a go

Damn… I mean I don’t know what to say… is it weird to thank you for making my fantasy come true

I don’t think it’s weird at all to say that

Well I mean I got lucky to be honest your hot and definitely my type which makes it even better

Oh really you think I’m hot he asks with a smirk I shove his shoulder blushing .

Oh shut up Matt

Well … would you ever want to go on a date with me like a normal date no crazy fantasies involved

I’d love that and … you wanna stay over tonight I’m sure exhausted and I know you probably are too

Sure why not he says smiling getting up and walking to the opposite side of the bed and laying down pulling me into him.

We cuddle and drift to sleep

The end 💋

#matt sturniolo #fanfiction #smut #ghostface

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remcycl333 · 1 year

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Is putting my awareness on having it the same as feeling it real? I feel like I put too much pressure on trying to feel how I would if I had it in the 3d and that’s where I struggle. I want to manifest moving out and given the circumstances I need it to reflect asap but idk how to feel it real and not panic when the circumstances are all up in my face and taking a toll on me. I’m so sorry if that was a lot, thank you so much for being so patient.

feeling it real doesn't have to feel like happiness or euphoria! sometimes the feeling of knowing doesn't feel like anything. so yes, as long as you're aware of the fact that you have it in imagination, that's enough! i have a friend who manifested her sp, and she said that the whole time she was manifesting her sp she felt anxious about it every day, but she just stood firm in the fact that her sp was hers and it still manifested!

i went through the same thing while manifesting at first. like when i was manifesting my sp a couple years ago, the DAY before he finally reached out to me i was sooo anxious out of nowhere, constantly thinking about how i much be doing everything wrong bc it wasn't here yet, how i needed to start over, how it'd be days without anything, etc, but i'd just talk to myself and be like "no im doing everything right, i already have it, im good, this isn't gonna effect anything bc its mine" etc.

having feelings of anxiety or worry is not a failure on your part, and they won't mess anything up (unless you assume they will). i've read this somewhere, i think it was twitter but i can't remember who said it, but think about anxiety. it's not logical! usually you feel anxious over something that you think will never even actually happen, but you still feel anxious anyway. or i have friends who sometimes say they're super anxious and they don't even know why. i had social anxiety as a teenager and i'd be soo anxious in social settings. what did i think was going to happen? nothing, but i was still anxious for no reason constantly. and my anxiety never manifested, because even i knew it was illogical. it still hindered me in other ways, but it didn't manifest into negative circumstances in my reality!

re-reading your ask i realize u didn't mention anxiety 😭 but im still gonna keep all that in bc i still think you/other people will benefit from those anecdotes! lol

"idk how to feel it real and not panic when the circumstances are all up in my face and taking a toll on me"

in my experience, you don't need to focus on feeling it real constantly! i focus on feeling it real while im imagining, but during the day, i just shift my state when i need to. that being said, there's no pressure to be in the state of the wish fulfilled every second of the day! the main goal is to enter TSOTWF more than the state of lack, but there's also more states you can enter throughout the day! sometimes during the day you're neither in the state of the wish fulfilled nor the state of lack. there's such thing as a neutral state! so if you're panicking and it's hard for you to shift back to your desired state, you can focus on shifting to a neutral state. you can do this by trying to calm yourself down, talking to yourself, meditating, taking deep breaths, etc. if you need to just take deep breaths and think of something else that has nothing to do with your desire, go for it!

if im manifesting something on a time crunch, it always really helps me to just deep breathe and talk to myself, saying things such as "there's nothing to worry about, its mine, it's promised, everything is going to work out perfectly, my 3D is going to change, my inner man already has it and my inner man is me" etc.

i manifested moving out and this was very helpful for me! i dealt with very toxic, narcissistic parents and my family struggled with money for most of my life. sometimes my parents would be yelling at me for no reason and it'd trigger me bc i was manifesting living in my own apartment on my own. in these times i'd focus on remaining calm and staying in a neutral state. eventually it got easier for me and i'd be able to talk to myself in my head while getting yelled at, saying stuff like "im so glad this isn't my life anymore, im so glad i live on my own whew" etc. i'd also imagine that i was just visiting home and i couldn't wait for my visit to be over so i could go back to my own apartment again.

just remember that no matter what happens in your 3D, nothing can stop you from having your desire in your imagination. you moved out in your 4D and nothing can change that! it is fact, and all you have to do is persist in that face. you don't have to gaslight or trick yourself into thinking you moved out in the 3D. you just need to stand firm in the fact you have it in your 4D.

anywayzzz i hope this helps! i hope i answered your question i fear i went on multiple different tangents lol <3

#asks

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blee-bleep · 2 months

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Hello, I’m fairly new (you have a lot of talent, you make wonderful art) but I just saw your post about your grandma. I’m very sorry for your loss. Grief is a very difficult thing and can be very confusing when you lose someone you had a bad relationship with. I was once in such a situation too. I don’t know how it was with your grandma, but I hated that person so much. And when they left… I missed them and I didn’t understand why. After all the things they did… after everything they caused… I still cared about them. I even felt guilty. How could I care about someone like that? I used to get angry at myself every time I grieved, every time I cried. Don’t make my mistake. When we lose someone, no matter how they influenced our lives, there’s an impact. After all, they were still a part of my life, a part of my world. They were a loved one. A member of my family. It changes a lot. And after all, I knew deep down, they still had some good in their heart. After everything… they didn’t deserve to die. And maybe, the thing I missed most was the relationship I wished I had with them.

It was very hard for me to move on. To let go. And I think this is mostly because I didn’t understand that I needed to forgive them. I kept holding on to this pent up feeling of hatred. This anger. But I should have forgiven them for everything they had done. Because forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behaviour. It most certainly doesn’t justify it. It doesn’t mean what they did was okay. Forgiveness is taking the knife out of your own back and not using it to hurt anyone else. Forgive them not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace. You deserve to be able to let go. Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying your heart. If you haven’t already, I think you should think about this.

And in the end, we shouldn’t see death as a bad thing, as when someone passes away, it creates another beautiful life. Like flowers dying in the winter, making place for beautiful flowers to blossom in the spring. That is, the merry-go-round of life.

I hope you have someone to help you through these difficult times. And remind yourself that it is okay to grieve. It just shows that you have a good heart. I don’t know how it is for you right now but I hope I helped at least a little bit. Take care!

Oh and, life has many different chapters. Don’t let one bad chapter close the book.

-Sorry for the long text and all-

Thank you for this ask. i rlly needed to read it, especially abt the knife metaphor. I didnt live with my grandma as close as my other family members were but I still grew up with her, and her image is everywhere in my family (literally, my grandpa's genes are basically nonexistent). so its really hard to process how to grieve for someone you had a bad relationship with. her death esp impacted my parents and aunts, and there's a certain tension between them now.

for me, Im still learning to forgive and learn how to live without her, but rn its the guilt of not building a happier relationship with her im angry about because after all this time, she is still my grandma. this doesnt mean it justifies the horrible shit she said and done (and shes over 90!), but i feel like i can't make peace with myself when we heard that she finally passed. so thank u for your reassurance through this message. grief is truly hard

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kosmicdream · 10 months

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Well, Chapter 6 of Nasty red Dogs is finally complete. This chapter took about a year to make and it was one of the hardest chapters to make. A lot of factors played into this, but probably the hardest one was my day job making the whole process much slower. This meant that there was a lot more time for me to sit and think, sometimes this was a benefit, but in general I am a massive over-thinker, so that dragged down a lot of my enjoyment of the process as I kept over analyzing all my choices.

But, it wasn’t just chapter 6 that was tough. For a while, i have been struggling with Nasty Red Dogs. This isn’t a surprise, its something i face with every long-term project and it makes sense that I would hit that moment at some point. NRD is 5 years old now and while its getting closer to being complete, we still have a few more chapters to go. My process for it is much slower, so a single chapter can end up taking a long time. Still, this past chapter was both the longest in length for a NRD chapter and also took the longest to make, so it was a very tedious process.

I have dont a lot more writing and rewriting than I normally would do, and while I don’t consider myself much of a perfectionist, it was really starting to creep back in my mind in a way I haven’t experienced in years, but more so targeting my writing than anything. I also got very critical over my drawings, but I have felt that way outside of NRD too. I am still very proud of the end result of this chapter, but I don’t think im out of the storm yet. It took years for me to refind my footing with FFAK and Eggshells, but I eventually got there and both projects, and I, got stronger for it. I expect that to happen here too, its just pretty draining and difficult. Regardless of the struggle, I am glad that it’s bringing deep feelings like that out of me because I feel like that’s the whole point of trying to make something that takes so many years to finish, cuz it really creates a situation where you are having to challenge your own personal demons on a mundane, daily level and sorting through those feelings. I don’t really know if the story is going to end up “good” or even how i want it to, but I know I’ve changed from it as an artist, and that already makes it invaluable to my journey to make great stories, which has always been my deepest dream to do on this planet.

That being said, I need a break from NRD to rebuild my stamina again. As I said, we’re nearing the end of the story.. But not quite there. I do expect there to be at least 3 more chapters, but considering how I originally planned for Chapter 5 & Chapter 6 to be a single chapter, that could change. It is still all written though, and has been, but pacing the scenes often changes as I’m actually “on the set” and “directing” the moments. While NRD is on hiatus, I will be returning to FFAK, which I have been pretty desperate to return to as I’ve been looking forward to ARC2 for literally years. I also know ARC2 of FFAK is tremendously long, possibly 4x longer in length than all of NRD (my expected length of ARC2 is around 4k or 5k pages).. So Of course, i get anxious when I’m not drawing it for too long. As I mentioned before, I already kinda got through a really huge block with FFAK that took years to address & heal from and I’m very happy to say that I’m in a great place with the project again, in a way that i haven’t felt in years (even if it still feels very different and new.) So returning to it makes me tremendously happy, which I will need to be in high spirits to feel like I can tackle the next NRD chapter. Anyway, I just wanted to share some of my thoughts on this past chapter and as always- thanks for reading my comics. Every day, Its the first thing i check are comments on them and it is always the last thing i do before sleeping. They are always on my mind, but also so are the readers, and I want to deliver my story to those who are willing to listen to them. -kosmic

#nasty red dogs #feast for a king #BTW not all the pages for NRD are up on the main site yet #but they will be pretty soon #the rest of the chapter is just on my patreon for now #thanks for reading anyway

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sumu-samu · 11 months

Text

(Broken) Habits

Final part, glad to get this off my drive lol.

Master list | part 1 | part 2| part 3

Two months later

Since that night Cutie and Geordi either texted or called every night. Eventually Geordi moved back in with them, and for the first time in a while, it wasn’t silent. They still never asked to enter his mind, but not because they were over stepping that boubndry, but because they still didn’t trust themselves. If they did it once what was stoping them from doing it again. They couldn’t hurt Geordi like that, not again.

“Hey,” Geordi’s voice was soft, “Penny for your thoughts?” He gave them a half smile as he set their breakfast down in front of them.

They just shook their head, “No- nothing. It’s nothing.” They picked up their fork and started eating.

“Hey, Cutie…” Geordi also picked up his fork but didn’t start eating yet.

“Hm?” They hummed with mouth full of eggs.

“I- I’m not saying it’s something you have to do… not if you don’t want to… but I’ve just noticed that… you haven’t asked to you know-” He couldn’t even get the full thing out before Cutie almost choked before swallowing their eggs.

“I haven’t. I haven’t read your mind. I haven’t gone in there. I- I’m better I swear. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Panic filled their voice.

“No, no,no that-. I didn’t think that you did. You say you’re better and I believe you, it’s just… you haven’t even asked to… and… i guess its just… I kinda miss it.” He shrugged. “Do you think you want-”

“No.” They replied sharply without looking at him.

“That-... that was fast… is… is everything okay?” He was taken aback from how quickly they shut him down.

“Im fine.” a short respond with the same sharp tone.

“Cutie, I don’t mean to pry, and seriously if its something you really don’t want to talk about I’ll back off. But, I know you my love. I can see something is wrong. I’m still Geordi, you’re still my Cutie. The only thing thats changed is you’re getting help. You can still talk to me. Trust me. Like I trust you.: His eyes were full of concern, with love, with adoration.

“I-.. I do trust you Geordi…” The tossed their eggs around their plate with their fork.

“But-... There’s a but in there isn’t there?” Geordi layed his hand ontop of theirs.

“I don’t… I don’t trust… I don’t trust myself.” They looked up at him with sad eyes. “I’m scared Geordi. I’m scared if I’m allowed in once, I’m going to fall right back into that shitty person I was. The one who didn’t respect your boundaries, the one you felt necessary to compare to so shitty ex. I’m scared I’m going to hurt you again.” Their eyes began to water, they tried to bat away any stray tears, but Geordi took both of their hands in his.

“Look at me. Cutie, look. Recovery is a slow and strenuous process, I know it may feel exhausting, sometimes you’ll fall backwards and it may feel like you aren’t making any progress at all. But hear me when I say this, as an outside perspective, not as you, not as your lover, not as your boyfriend, as just Geordi, you have come so far. And it touches me to hear you say that the reason you haven’t is because you don’t want to hurt me, thats sweet, it is. But Cutie, you can’t trade one extreme for another. I like it when you talk to me in my head, its fun, it feels intimate, all I ask is that you ask before you do, and if I ask for some time, then give me a little time.” Cutie was nodding their head the whole time he spoke. “Now, do you think you would maybe want to…”

“I-.. N-... uh…” Cutie struggled they did, they really did, but like… one talk isn’t going to make those thoughts go away.

“It’s okay to say no. But just know that right now, in this moment, I want you in. I want you to listen.” He looked deep into their eyes. Cutie felt themselves nod their head. “Okay. well, youre more than welcome.”

Cutie entered his mind. Cute, so cute. They care, they’ve changed. Change, good, good change. Beautiful eyes. Can they hear? Can you hear? Are you listening? Cutie nodded their head. Good. good. Smile, cute smile, I love that smile, I love you. Never leaving. I won’t leave. I love you. Cutie chuckled “Geordi”

My name. Sounds sweet. I like when you say my name. “Yes?” whats up baby? What do you need? What can I do. Smile, keep that smile. Love that smile.

“Go eat your breakfast you dork.” They laughed

Laughing, cute laugh. Sounds like music. Like angels, I love that laugh, I love that smile I love you. “Right.” He got up and went back to his seat to eat. I’m so lucky, I love you. Look at me, let me see your eyes. Beautiful eyes, gorgeous eyes, I could get lost in those eyes. Hey don’t roll them at me. You know what? Just for that…

No, don’t you dare they tried to stop him but it was too late

Iiiits a smaaall world aaaftr aaalllll. It’sss a smaaalll world afterrr all-

I will disconnect if you don’t stop

With that the door bell rang.

I’ll get it! Geordi ran to the door before Cutie could even get up. They heard the door open Who? Familiar. They look familiar. Name… damn it why am I so bad with names “uhm… hello.”

“Hey! Cutie here?” A familiar voice rang out.

They got up from the table and went to the door, wrapping their arms around Geordi, “Hey Stealth, Hi Milo.” They waved to the slightly smaller male behind their friend. He was taller than Cutie, almost Geordi’s height but Stealth was a giant so they made everyone look small. He didn’t respond to the greeting.

“Milo, be nice. S’ry He’s a lill grumpy cause I made Him come. If we had it his way, we’d been layin’ in bed all morn’.” They waved their boyfriend’s pouty mood off.

Tall, scary, why does that man look so mad, should I let them in? I should let them in. Don’t be rude Geordi of course you should. “W-well, come in no need to uh, no need to stand out in the open. Un-unless you want to.” Geordi said nervously. He had met Stealth before, not Milo though, yet he was still intimidated by Stealths height. Shit, we didn’t clean. We haven’t even finished breakfast. Did you invite them? Why are they here? We didn’t have any time.

“Sorry about the mess, um. We weren’t really expecting you. Glad to see you though.” Cutie smiled at their friend.

You didn’t invite them? What kind of person invites themselves over?

My best friend kind. Geordi be nice.

Sorry.

“Oh it’s not a big deal to us. If you’d like we could leave and come back when ya’llfeel like you’ve cleaned up the place. Although, it looks super clean already. Well compared to how you had it when-” Stealth began to share too much information.

Cutie cleared their throat throwing them a ‘shut the hell up’ look. “No you don’t have to leave. It’s fine. Why’d you come over anyways.” They asked.

Compared to what? Why’d you stop them? What are you hiding you menace? Was it when I was at my sisters?

Shut up Geordi

“Oh honestly we-” Milo cleared His throat, “I- wanted to see ya’ll. Sorry bout Milo, he’s not usually this grumpy. He’s normally a super sweet guy.” They gave him a side glare.

“Not anything against you, you are a great person Cutie.I was just told we were going to the store and going back home. Sorry if it seems I don’t want to be around you.” He apologized.

“It’s okay Milo. Well while youre here you guys want a drink or anything? Wanna play mario cart or something?” At Cuties offer Milo’s eyes lit up.

“Oh hell yeah. I’d love to.”

They all sat on the couch and played marrio cart

#redacted headcanons #redactedasmr #redacted asmr #redacted geordi #redacted cutie #Geordi #cutie #redacted angst

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white-tulips · 1 year

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it makes me kind of sad thinking about the potential of OMORI

it's a great game but it could have been an actual masterpiece, all the pieces are there

im not the type of person to make mods but god if the desire isn't there to at least remove some of the unnecessary padding by modding it myself

some of the flaws might run too deep though

do you ever feel similar to that? like it could have been my favorite game of all time

while the faraway town sections have flaws (aubrey's rushed development sticks out to me) headspace is where most of the problems lie

idk, it just kind of sucks, replaying the game and remembering how much people waited for this only to see that the game is filled with unnecessary meandering

i would have loved to see the dreamworld crumble more and more as sunny going outside changes his perspective on a lot of things and people, like for example aubrey becoming agressive in headspace due to hooligan aubrey's impact on sunny's perception, would have been cool

just things i think about

yes, I tend to think very similarly

OMORI was successful in a lot of ways of course, and there are so many things I love and enjoy about it, but the missed potential is really hard to ignore when analyzing and thinking about the game as a whole. I think it really comes down to the fact that it was OMOCAT's first game; I almost wonder how things could have been different if they had done some other smaller projects first before leaping right into a huge passion project. (though, I doubt if they expected OMORI to get so huge in the beginning.) like, there's a lot that they achieved that's honestly incredible for first time game devs but imo the lack of experience really shows

and it's a little upsetting to think about sometimes. I've been invested in OMORI since like 2014 or so and it felt like the final product had strayed a ways away from what it was originally envisioned to be. which is fine, stories changing over the writing process is normal and fine, but I think OMORI was a little haphazard in its attempt to blend new ideas with the original ones that were already set in stone

it can be fun discussing how things could have been but I really wish OMORI was as good as how it exists in our minds

#ask #anon

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craske · 16 days

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I don't want to sound pretentious when i say all this (and this ended up being really long??), but i really do think you don't need to uphold your online presence so consciously, or even at all. There's nothing wrong with being "inactive" because trying to show up for everything is some sick standard social media made up. Maybe it might be difficult to uphold an idgaf personality, but i can say from my experience it could be better to try a little bit at a time. I can say that they really do mean it when you can have quiet admirers, from my experience all the more. Maybe they're too shy to put silly tags when they reblog or just put a like on your post. And I don't think you have to worry too much about sticking to one piece of media and be afraid the people following you won't like you anymore for posting different content. At most, I just believe they won't really care enough to unfollow you or stop engaging entirely. The most important thing to me is that you stick around doing the things you actually want to do, even if you're just showing up every month or so, or black out for a year or more. Because the people who do care will be overjoyed to see you whatever you post or share, especially when you come back after a long time. It really is discouraging when you don't see that actively, maybe because we're so used to seeing numbers that relate to our worth. But i like to imagine we're waving at each other from a distance or smiling through a window, as horrid as online landscapes can be nowadays. I know i'm running my mouth here but i just wanted to share my experience because i um. 🙋 also think youre really cool and awesome and i love whatever work you do and the fact you share it is an amazing thing enough i feel privelaged and youre humor is funny and whatever new stuff you post is just introducing me to things i'll also think is cool down the line and i really do wish i can share my appericiation more and evolve from being a quiet admirer /inhales/ 👍 i would say this is a sort of love letter from the gas station but i also mean it as kai 👋 i hope you're doing well in uni or that it gets better soon or in whatever it is youre doing now. and whether or not youre online, i hope youre doing the things you enjoy 🫶

okay i needed some time to figure out how to respond to this ask because theres a lot (in a /pos way dont worry) so ill start off with saying that i really really and i do mean it Really appreciate what you said here. Especially lately, ive been struggling with being active online outside of small spaces where there are just me and a few other people. might be me feeling overwhelmed when i say something into the void with a high chance of no response, though i wont fault anyone for that. i myself know interaction is scary so i do get it. ever since i started using the internet ive stuck to my small online bubbles so yeah interaction kind of intimidating online

and though i agree it does feel discouraging to sometimes see no feedback or much of a reaction, i try not to be bummed out about it myself because im also a silent admirer of many artists online. so like ive said before i do understand that sometimes people are shy and dont interact directly and theres no pressure really to change that. just the idea that there are people that like what i make is really nice, even though i suffer from the same issue that maaany other artists have and i need to actively remind myself of that.

about sticking to one fandom its a very recent but big issue to me because ive been DEEP in the persona pit for like 4 years, and i certainly built an audience around that. i know there will always be people that stick around no matter what but despite that theres always that nagging feeling that maaybe things will crumble. obviously thats not true but human mind fucking SUCKS

as the final note ill say it again that your message means a lot to me and i thank you a lot for it <333 im soo flattered by your words and they made my past two days, thank you soo much

#as for uni im almost done with it!!#wowzers masters degree i will kill myself tho bc idk what to do after it #but thats an issue for the future me i guess!!!#anyway again thank you so much your message was really sweet and meant a lot to me #im sorry i dont reach out much like i said interaction online is soo scary and also insanely difficult lately?? it sucks #as the twitter users say thank you oomfie <3 #ask #k4ik4yk04 #long post

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free-angelz · 10 months

Text

A Letter to “the ex.”

Im still still perceiving my outsides because of what my ex changed on the inside. I was such a mean person to him after a certain point. I was no longer the girl he knew. I wasnt the girl who was excited and all about him anymore. I just wanted out, without having the will or the way to do it. And when I think back, he cried in front of me so many times and I just disregarded his feelings because he did the same thing to me. He wiped away all the compassion from my heart and made me be just like him. Hard. Unfeeling. Uncaring. All the bad things I perceived him as, I became too. And I hate that I still think about it. But I do want to apologize. And I know it doesn’t make sense either. But I think its also about forgiving myself for who I became when under those terrible conditions. We were both so miserable together. I never want that to be my kind of love ever again. I’m finally facing the more emotional and tense things that I did, that we did, that he did, and I can move through it so much easier. So some good has really come out of this, even now, to rear its head from out the concrete pad.

I’m sorry I didn’t care. And I’m sorry I kept telling you that you had no feelings, because it wasn’t true. We just loved really, really differently, and hurt each other in different places. It was uncomfortable, loving you. I didn’t always enjoy it. But that parts I did enjoy were how you were you. You were Cat. Because you loved cats, and you had the natural affinity for them. That was sweet. I know that deep down you were just a kid who wanted to be loved. You also wanted to be left alone. You also wanted friends. Community. Even if it wasn’t in healthy ways. There was so much potential in you. There was so much about you that excited me. I wanted to get high, you gave it to me. I wanted sex, you gave it to me too. And Im sure if you had the chance you would’ve stolen the world for me too. But things didn’t work out that way. I grew more and more disappointed and frustrated with you because instead of seeing that I had taken you as you are, you took that and ran with it. You didn’t change. You didn’t want to be different than what you had previously established. You didn’t want to really grow with me, as much as you say you wanted to. We were lovers. Friends. And you took advantage of me in a lot of situations. You screwed me up in the way that I watched you screw everything else up, in one way or another. But I loved you. I tried loving you through it. Even when I didn’t want you anymore, I still tried. For you. For the memory of us and all that I thought we’d be. So much loss of such a big love I had for you. My hurt boy. So safe with me. Its sad when you think about it. You were one of the first people that I loved, that simultaneously broke that love from within. You broke the frame I had in it, and in a sense, the world. I’ve changed so much since learned. I have healed so much and I’m still learning how to navigate this tension between me and the obstacles I face. Between me, and different people who hold little pieces of you in it. Between me and what I was taught love was. Between me, and the aura, the soul that I keep looking for in all the guys I meet, and in the friends Ive made. Ive been able to love again, differently, openly. Beautifully. Nontoxic. And that counts for something. Out of all of this, you taught me the good, and the bad that Im capable of.

I am grateful for that.

#bpd writing #bpd blog #bpd thoughts #nonbinary #bpd favorite person #actually borderline #bpd problems #bpd vent #bpd life #queer

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maddiehu7 · 4 months

Text

Chapter 3

After dinner I headed to my common room but ended up getting lost along the way thankfully someone decided to help me

"Hey are you lost" I hear someone saying as I turn around and see a cute looking black haired boy

"Um yeah actually would you mind helping me to Gryffindor common room" I say hopefully

"Yeah of course thats actually where I was heading, sorry I forgot to introduce myself I'm Neville Longbottom" he says with a dorky smile

"Oh ok great and hello Neville I'm Alexis I'm new if you couldn't tell" I say laughing as we start to walk together, he smiles

"Yeah I heard about you from the twins they seem to be really captivated by you" I blush thinking that they've been talking about me

"Well what can I say those boys were extremely welcoming they make me feel like I could belong here" he smiles bigger

"Yeah that's Fred and George for you always welcoming" I smile back we settle into a comfortable silence as we walk down the halls of Hogwarts, finally we get to a portrait of a lady

"Well this is it the entrance to Gryffindor common room the password changes every week to make sure its safe" I nod looking at the painting curiously, Neville whisperers the password to the portrait and it opens we both head inside

"Home sweet home" Neville says looking around smiling with his arms raised as to show off the room

"Its magnificent" I say astonished with just how amazing this castle is

"It is isn't it" he says looking back at me lowering his arms I look over at him smiling

"the girls dorms are to the right boys to the left down here is the common area, well I guess I'll see you tomorrow yeah?"

"Yeah see ya, and thank you for everything" I say smiling at him he smiles back and nods and heads up to the boys dorm, before I go up to the girls dorm I decide to sit on the couch by the fireplace its quite cozy so much so I end up falling asleep on accident I'm awoken to the girl I saw with the Weasleys earlier Hermione I think it was

"Sorry to wake you I'm your roommate Hermione and got worried when it hit midnight and you didn't show" I sit up smiling embarrassedly

"Oh gosh I'm sorry this place is just so cozy I must have accidentally fell asleep Im sorry again to have worried you" she smiles and assures me its ok we both head up to our room, I'm so surprised I fell asleep I'm normally a night owl, once we get to our room Hermione opens the door and I see all my luggage already in my room I was wondering where it went

"Oh yeah the house elfs bring our luggage to our room they also cook and clean the castle which I down think is right we should clean up after ourselves a lot of house elfs are used as slaves to powerful wizards which is bullocks in my opinion" she huffs annoyed

"Ive heard of house elfs never meant one though I've always been interested in them sense I was a kid when my parents told me they get used as slaves I thought it was awful" Hermione smiles at me

"I like you already" I smile back blushing, after I unpack a bit we both say goodnight and Hermione heads to sleep well I get my night light and a book to read for a bit, it must be all the changes lately because I can barely read a few pages before feeling sluggish and deciding to call it a night I put my book to the side and start to fall into a deep sleep

( Dream )

Im in a black room I feel eyes on me it feels familiar I look around to see professor Snape starring at me I stare back into his onyx colored eyes he dosent break eye contact I get a shiver up my spine as he starts to walk towards me his cape bellowing behind him he gets inches away from my face as I stare up into his eyes I see something unidentifiable in them suddenly I feel his hands on my hips pulling me into him I gasp when I feel his lips on mine kissing me hard I'm so surprised I don't even react at first but then I'm kissing him back with vigor he pushes his tongue in my mouth and I moan which gives him full access to my mouth I run my hands through his hair gripping the ends suddenly he pulls away and whispers in my ear

"Wake up" I look at him confused

"Wake up" he says again in a girlier voice

( End of dream )

"Alexis wake up come on were gonna be late!" Hermione says shaking me awake I groan

"Uh ok ok I'm up I'm up" I say blinking the tiredness away from my eyes seeing the time I rush to get ready putting my uniform on Hermione had already left when I discovered a problem a don't know how to tie a tie so I just put it in my pocket till I run into the twins or Hermione and ask them to do it for me, I start rushing out the door and head to my first class potions as I speed walk there not to get in trouble I think about my dream its insane right to have a crush on your professor let alone have a sex dream about them I mean gosh I feel disgusted with myself ill just try to avoid Snape as much as I can, I get to the door of the potions classroom and walk in quietly everyone stares as I'm late I feel embarrassed with the eyes on me I look around for a seat when I see neville he waves me to an empty seat next to him I thank him quietly and wonder where the professor is

"And you are late why" I hear a deep voice behind me and I jump around in my seat and am meant with those same deep onyx eyes I saw in my dream

Oh I'm so fucked I think to myself

#harry potter #severus x reader #severus snape #hermione granger #smut

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thisdreamplace · 1 year

Note

What do you think of confrontation? All of my life I have been scared of expressing myself when something bothers me. I always remained silent. When I found the law, I was relieved because "oh, I don't need to express anything, I can stay quiet and just imagine things changed and everything will fall into place" i felt comfortable with that, but I knew deep down that there were many times where I wanted to speak, but felt like it was useless or was going to "ruin" my manifestations. I usually have moments where I wish I had reassurance but never feel the right to ask for it. Watching Dylan James was a safe space because he talks a lot about non-confrontation and I think he's right about most of it but... confrontation is normal I guess and may be needed??? Idk.

The point is, I recently had a discussion with my "SP", with him it's been a never ending story of on and off communication. He always ghosted me and then I would "manifest" him back, blah blah. Yesterday I was so triggered and this time instead of keeping it to myself, I basically told him everything that I was feeling. And like, yes it didn't solve anything, but it felt so right to finally defend myself. To finally feel like I had the right to speak. I ended up apologizing because I recognized it was all a response coming from a trigger. I did not regret saying what I said tho. What I did feel bad for, was because I started the drama out of nowhere because I was spiralling, I honestly had no real motives. He ended up getting mad and like, it does make me sad, but at the same time why would I want something to do with someone with whom I can't express myself with? I get it that maybe I could see this from a different perspective, but... right now, in this moment, what I know for sure is that I don't want this kind relationship in my life. I deserve better. I also deserve to be better for myself and find more validation within rather than waiting for someone to give it to me.

This felt like the beginning of me being more true to myself.

okay by the end of this i was SCREAMING YESSSSSSSSS ANON YESSSSSS. all of this.

i had a similiar experience last year, actually, creepily similiar. because i too, was like, always really into dj and his perspective on things. and then suddenly i was like well wait a minute. what if i did speak my mind and start standing my ground ? i think its such a slippery slope. because i think some people can do the non-confrontational thing and thrive. but for me it made things fester inside of me, resentment would grow, and i would kind of just gaslight myself along the way about how i need to be more understanding of bs. anyway, for me it began with a friend though. and it was hard and difficult, and it didnt go the way i wanted it to because just like in your case, they reacted more defensively than openly. and sometimes, i get waves of "did i truly handle that well ? was it right for me to open up and finally say how i feel ?" and im like yeah. absolutely. for the exact same reasons you realized. i also don't want to be in relationships where we can't have open communication and actually be open enough to want to move forward together. and funny thing is, after that whole thing collapsed, i literally met someone who knows how to have healthy communication, to the point where i was challenged and i had to, and have to, actively work on being a better communicator and being aware of my triggers. knowing how to express them well, rather than shutting down or feeling too scared to because of the conditioning of my past. and theres so much space held for me now, for expressing myself authentically and openly. that sometimes i dont even know how to act, LOL its been wonderful but so terrifying at times. and i absolutely love it tbh. its so beautiful here and its lovely to be experiencing so much love like this.

i guess i say all this to say that you absolutely did the right thing. following your heart, being true to you, will always be the truest and most right thing. and even if that includes confrontation, then so be it. you will see how there are people in the world who are going to hold space for you and be so open to the way you authentically express yourself. now that you finally realize it, the world is realizing it too. what a lovely beginning <3

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hi-chae · 1 year

Text

The Sorority Logs - #1 The Beginning

hello! we're the sorority! you may know me from @the-sorority-system and our syscourse posts but here is our more casual blog.

the details of this log will be our diagnosis journey, our thoughts on how therapy is going, and more. we need a healthy way to put these thoughts out. whether or not we're a disordered system will be determined in the future and will be in the contents of this log but we find this log to be important anyways. If I am disordered, cool, this will be a great way to detail our journey. If I'm not, this will help questioning systems figure certain things out.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS ALL FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE FROM THE STATE I AM IN WITHIN THE U.S. DO NOT see this log as a checklist of everything you need to do to get referrals / diagnosed. This is all within my personal experience and yours will be different. There is also a general content warning for doubting your system. is disclaimer will be put on the beginning of all of my posts.

The journey will be long... let's start

it all starts in... god i don't even know where the proper start is. was it in summer of 2022, where i had a mental breakdown so bad that lutz came in and took care of me? was it in summer of 2021, where i discovered the endogenic community and finally felt heard? only for that to be ripped from me in that same winter? or was it sometime in middle school, where i was "faking" DID because i thought it was cool but my members were never anime characters and i felt something physically change when i was them?

the answer is: i dont know. maybe it started in childhood when i made up a best friend named rachel or maybe it was far from that. i dont know. and im scared to know but also im excited to find out.

i live in an area where information about DID isnt exactly up to date. according to more experiences systems, not a lot of therapists know how to recognize it. and not a lot of therapists in general specialize in DID.

but im getting tested anyways. and im incredibly lucky to do so. because i got a referral to get a psych eval and im getting follow up tests in March. that should be exciting right? it is but... i dont want to be told my problems arent serious and they arent what i think they are and that the way i view myself is wrong. i feel like a lot of our identity focuses on how our brain works and its... terrible. i wish i could accept everything i was told i am but theres something deep inside of me who knows what i or we are.

no more thoughts. lets get some dates down.

end of November

i get my psych eval done. i dissociate the whole time while he asks me and my mom questions about my mental health. i think he notices this because he wants testing done on my dissociation. i feel relieved but also terrified. mostly because of my insurance.

DEC 13TH, 2022

in therapy, a protected little comes out with our permission. she cries and cries and babbles baby talk. our therapist can see our hurt and wants her to know she's doing a good job. but something feels... off. he refers to them as our core and talks about how she's actually a big kid who isn't who she actually is. she knows this isn't true. she cries anyways. she trusts him. thats a relief. but something still feels wrong. she continues therapy groups, still sensitive, still small, until we leave for the night, where one of us forces her to go back (she did a really good job). we process whats happened. it feels wrong, feels gross. we cant put a finger on it other than that we feel invalidated somehow. to some people we went to about how we werent who we thought we were. they comfort and reassure us. our biggest worry was that he didnt believe us but if he didnt believe us, he wouldnt have brought out that little. his information is just a little outdated, go figure. they suggest we go to him the next day to ask him to do more modern techniques

DEC 14tth, 2022

we ask him to go for more modern techniques and he said we would talk about it in our next session. we straight up ask him if he thinks we have a dissociation disorder and he says he doesnt think i do. he thinks i have very separated "protective parts of myself". it sends me into a panic. i ask a few people if they know if most therapists know how to recognize DID, because something felt off again. not a lot do, the more experienced system says. they press more and analyze that it seems like he knows he's out of his area of expertise and that his info is just really outdated due to the fact that DID used to be seen as MPD and there was a time where MPD was seen as "needing the inner child to be healed" (it also wasnt considered a dissociative disorder). that somewhat reassures me. what reassures me the most is hearing how if hes accepting of the idea to talk about it next session, he's willing and encouraging of it. if he avoids the topic, he's likely doubtful. more than anything, i want my experiences to be believed. im glad he believes me. and im glad i can believe that he believes me.

that leaves me with today, awaiting the next session. if im honest, im scared but hopeful. logically, i know i wont be invalidated in my feelings. his heart is in the right place and he wants to help and understand and believe in me. im nervous and he can sense that but i know whatever im going through, he's willing to put in the effort to see who the sorority system is.

#osddid #did system #actually did #dissociative identities #actually dissociative

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chronicowboy · 2 years

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1, 18, 22, 39 for the writers ask thingy!! <3

What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting? i used to be a calibri truther (in that i could never be bothered to change it) and a tnr hater but now i could make out with times new roman for the rest of my life Choose a passage from your writing. Tell me about the backstory of this moment. How you came up with it, how it changed from start to end. Spicy addition: Questioner provides the passage. The heroes have died. Because the heroes always die. The heroes die a thousand times over. Killed by villainy, killed by misfortune masquerading as fate, killed by love, killed by their own damn selves. And they're killed a thousand different times. Their minds go first, melting slowly into a choppy sea of guilt and fear and loss, so much fucking loss, then their hearts harden into husks, turning into crumbling stone and falling through the chasms of their chests for hours until it hits rock bottom and tumbles into oblivion where it just keeps falling, then the souls crack and shatter and skid across the earth with a screech of something once good and now gone, and the body's the last to go, the one thing keeping them walking through that burning inferno of life, the hurricane of hurt and happiness and saving and scorning and losing and losing and losing, the body goes last, the bones breaking one by one in a cacophony of silent agony, screams muffled by choked desires for death, so close, so close, too far, and the blood pours out in streams, scarlet has never looked prettier than when it's painting a sidewalk or the wound of a sacrificial lamb raised for slaughter, a stroke of deep red exactly where it's supposed to be on the canvas, and the pain means nothing, the pain means nothing but an end, because the pain is just a prelude to their peace, their final, well-deserved peace. this is the first paragraph of the epilogue to the first ever story i finished and idk i just love it. because the epilogue is a pretty happy ending but the story's really dark and the characters have been through so much so i wanted this final bit of happiness offset by the obvious pain of the character narrating it. at first it was a lot shorter and consisted of only the main points but i just wanted her anger and frustration to tumble through so i dragged the sentences out to ridiculous lengths and filled them with all the bad i could and idk i just love that this is the beginning of a happy ending. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud? i have literally never not once been organised about my writing my whole entire life <3 no but um every now and then when im trying to procratinate writing i'll give my onenotes a little organise and that's like my main one for writing actual chunks of floaty prose i have no idea what they're for, google keep is for tiny little ideas and sometimes ill scribble bullshit down on scraps of paper in the middle of the night when i dont want to turn my screens on and then i'll either 1) not be able to find it in the morning or 2) not be able to read my own handwriting What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up? oof god idek bc i am fighting for my life against the worst writers block ive ever had atm, normally my block consists of zero ideas but ive got so many my brain just will not put out words anymore. but i guess just the fact that even when its frustrating i know that my writing is like the biggest part of me and what i would define myself by because its just always been there and its what i want to do, although i dont know if I've ever actually wanted to give up. its more me being angry that i cant do it today so just counting down the seconds until i can again.

#sami answers #thank you so much for asking #the passage one was so fun to do but it took me so long to choose lol

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samwebsteruniblog · 2 years

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Mapping the World

-Research

Im really interested in exploring this project for the possibilities of exploring a range of topics and then documenting them using maps as the median. I also enjoy typography briefs especially as this is also very open in the experimentation going forward and means I can create something exciting and hopefully unique. I really like this brief for the idea of taking something potentially forgotten or unexplored and turning it into something different that shows the audience and educates them.

- 3D Maps

- Old Historic Maps

- Illustrated maps, These maps show a huge level of detail and a great way to show real places. If I was to go down this route I would have to encorporate a lot of typography to fit the brief.

After the first tutorial we discussed potential ideas and routes to explore I now just have to do further research into the subject and explore potential themes to map. Im still interested in doing something true crime related however I will have to look at other examples so that the work doesn't become insensitive. My main interest is exploring something that hasn't been recorded on a map I think that would create a final product that becomes eye opening.

We spoke creating an editorial final piece so I will also research into different routes here to see if anything inspires me. There is a ton of different spaces that haven't been mapped out physical or not. If I was to go down the true crime route I would need to understand forensic science in more detail to make a successful piece.

Some potential ideas to explore,

Archeology

Evolution

Reservations

Natural changes

Map of things we don't notice

Archeology

This is a really interesting subject, its historical it's also not been thoroughly explored with maps, it could be used to create a journey of the past and present mapping the route or decay that these fossils or historic sites went on over the years. It is quite an open subject that I could through myself into any time and explore that period. This would be really interesting to recreate. Theres also a ton of different ways I could show this journey. However I think Typography is where I will try and focus so that if I want to I can submit my design.

I looked at a few sources that would make good topics to base my project off, and existing maps or reconstructions of this subject.

https://education.nationalgeographic.org/resource/archaeology

https://factsanddetails.com/world/cat56/sub407/entry-6368.html

My worry about this as I do love the opportunities of exploring ancient history I also think the project will be more reconstruction heavy mapping out buildings compared to now would be really difficult to do without actually visiting these sites and having a solid starting point.

Evolution

This relates closely to the idea of exploring science but it also could become something that shows the evolution of a place or something not biological. I could explore the changes of technology and how much it's taken over in our modern world. I think this would also be really interesting. However I do want to chose an idea or theme that really excites me so I can fully enjoy myself and enjoy the lengthy research that this project needs for a successful outcome.

I looked briefly at some articles exploring different types of evolution.

https://study.com/academy/lesson/forms-patterns-of-evolutionary-change.html#:~:text=The%20four%20types%20of%20evolution,%2C%20parallel%20evolution%2C%20and%20coevolution.

https://www.sparknotes.com/biology/evolution/patternsofevolution/section1/

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190207-technology-in-deep-time-how-it-evolves-alongside-us

The reason I'm not set on this idea is because I feel like this outcome is always going to lean towards a timeline where as I really want to explore more of a journey through a type of tracking or recollection.

True Crime

I am going to explore this idea in more detail because I believe the foundation for something really fascinating that everyone enjoys. True crime is something we all love because of shock value. The psychology behind this is ‘True crime dramas give us an insight into our culture and norms as well as our anxieties and values. By watching true crime dramas, we unlock our natural desire to solve puzzles and mysteries and get to speculate as to why criminals may act the way they do.’ This is why murder mysterious and thrillers are so widely successful. I will have to do a lot more research to make sense of how to create something that doesn't glorify these potential criminal actions but sets it out in a way that educates and explores a certain type of crime. There is a ton of material that does this successfully while still holding up a level of class. We are all obsessed with such topics portrayed in films, board games and books, so I think creating a map or small collection of real life events breaking down the journey or series of events would be really fascinating.

Though these aren't all true crime they do show our obsession over the topic. Some examples of books that do this successfully are,

‘In My Dreams I Hold a Knife’ A book that tells its stories in duel time following 6 friends exploring their separate paths and how these interlink for better or for worse.

‘The Talented Mr Ripley’ This murder mystery shows how an obsession can turn deadly. This has also been turned into a film again showing the love we collectively share for this genre.

‘Sherlock Holmes’ Again with multiple film/tv adaptions, this detective is a cultural classic

Board games that focus on this theme,

‘Detective: City of Angels’ this noir set in the 1940s explores mystery inspired by classic detective stories.

‘Cludo’ The more widely known murder mystery that allows players 8+ to indulge in becoming a detective.

The list of films is constantly growing a few honourable mentions would be,

Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil, and Vile (2019)

No Man of God (2021)

The Frozen Ground (2013)

These portrays don't always glorify the subject but I think they do get close to pushing the boundaries. After exploring these a bit further I can see that even the theme of true crime is so open with a range of potential outcomes that explore mapping. It could become a game map, crime statistic map in certain parts of the world, a map that explore fantasy events, a map that retells events, etc.

I think the aesthetic of a theme like this is what would have to be done sensitively as the subject matter is very accepted however if I was to exaggerate or potentially under play real situations the outcome would hurt.

Looking deeper into the psychology of true crime shows a variety of benefits or affects on the consumer. These are; Because it helps us feel prepared, Because there might be an evolutionary benefit, Because we’re trying to solve the mystery, Because we like to be scared … in a controlled way. This fascination is definitely flushed out to explore I could potential explore the psychology behind it as well creating something that openly educates on that fascination would help make the outcome less glorified.

I also really like the idea of this genre actually inspiring a new generation of law enforcement. ‘While there is the possibility of fictionalised narratives setting unrealistic expectations and communicating misconceptions about roles in the criminal justice system and the police, there are also plenty of positive reasons why crime dramas could inspire the audience to take a wider interest in this field.’ There is also studies that believe true crime is addicting, it's also been proven that a higher percentage of women indulge in these gritty stories.

Forensic science is a big part of bringing these to life so its something I need to get a deeper understanding for and hopefully find some inspiration on the direction to take my project. I will also have to explore what element of crime I would like to map out and portray.

Forensic Science

After looking at a few sources I can see the level of professionalism with all details being accounted for and examined. These sources mainly explored violent crimes where as It would also be good to get some insight on other crimes that include more of a journey.

‘Indeed, the ultimate objective of crime scene investigators and of forensic scientists is aligned: to help enact justice by gathering and analysing evidence, then presenting that evidence in court (either as an expert witness or via attorneys) in order to uncover the truth.’

‘A crime scene investigator is often one of the first professionals at the scene of a crime (after first responders), tasked with examining the location and gathering evidence relevant to the investigation, including photographs and physical evidence.’ If I was to go down this route I could include other media as part of the project alongside something typographical.

https://www.forensicsciencesimplified.org/csi/how.html

https://www.forensicscolleges.com/blog/resources/csi-vs-forensic-science

Potential crimes to map

I also looked at a range of articles and events that could be used in this project. Im leaning towards some bank robberies or heists because I think that doing something more gritty would potentially undermine the actual work and I want to make it more mysterious/intriguing than shocking.

When researching bank robberies I was blown away by how often these occur this would be great to include in the final outcome with some facts or figures relating to bank robberies to make the piece more educational.

This site shows all the statistics of bank robberies in the US, it has a ton of different variables accounted for and gives a lot of information that would be very valuable in this project.

https://www.fbi.gov/investigate/violent-crime/bank-robbery

‘The FBI has had a primary role in bank robbery investigations since the 1930s, when John Dillinger and his gang were robbing banks and capturing the public’s attention. In 1934, it became a federal crime to rob any national bank or state member bank of the Federal Reserve System. The law soon expanded to include bank burglary, larceny, and similar crimes, with jurisdiction delegated to the FBI.’

Looking at successful heist would be really interesting to try and let the viewer figure out where they went and where the police messed up etc.

However, despite the frequency, it's rare that would-be bandits make off with much more than a few thousand bucks before getting swiftly apprehended. Of course, there are exceptions. These expectations are what interest me the most with this idea.

https://www.thrillist.com/culture/most-successful-bank-robberies-of-all-time-biggest-heists-in-history

https://www.treehugger.com/unsolved-heists-history-4864043

Some other sources I looked at where youtube which shows successful getaways.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHNjZZQ4w-4&ab_channel=WFAA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eLWS9KC9_U&ab_channel=FOX10News

Artists who explore working with Maps

Map Portraits by Matthew Cusick,

Head Sculpture by Nikki Rosato,

Maps, Reorganized by Armelle Caron,

Illustrated maps by Caroline Harper,

Julie Mehretu,

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prince--of--mind · 2 years

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freezing cold take:

the epilogues and homestuck 2 were not only a disgrace in storytelling, characterization and in general, but they also forever changed the landscape of the fandom for the worse. after they came out, the fanbase became way more split on the source material, and it was just so bad that it drove several people to dislike the comic by proxy

it was a complete waste of resources and not in the slightest what the fandom had actually wanted.

felt inclined to post this because i was browsing an old tumblr blog from circa 2016, close to when the comic ended, and people were talking about how hopeful they were about the epilogues. i remember that feeling, i was one of them.

what people were hoping for was not for a sequel or an expansion- at least, not mostly. people were in general hoping for something that resolved several plot threads that were left dangling, something that answered many questions that had been left unanswered.

we had the snapchat stories, for a while (remember those? I do. I’ll never forget them). and it generally succeeded at that, while introducing a story of its own. but then that stopped being made, and then the actual epilogues came out, and then they were... not great.

and now i’m not talking about more subjective things. it just entirely forgot about several aspects of the comic. sprites (which we knew existed still thanks to the credits) were completely forgotten, and so was jack and the felt. caliborn and the whole thing with the alpha kids visiting him? gone. never existed.

instead we got a weird plot with heavy political allegories that fall apart if you think about them for more than a second, which twisted characters in terrible ways just to fit the narrative instead of the opposite, and attempts at representation that were hamfisted at best and actually offensive at worse.

(which as a trans guy, do not even get me started on what they did to Roxy and Jade. I will remain a firm believer of Trans Woman Roxy until I perish, sorry not sorry)

and it was just so... caustic, so aggressive to its detractors, almost reveling in it. its creators were jsut as bad, if not even worse. and the constant refuge in “its supposed to suck on purpose”. if it sucks on purpose and does not attempt to do anything other than suck, then its not some deep, insightful piece of art. it just sucks

its causticness caused the fandom itself to become that much more aggressive and spiteful as well, split into two halves which fought each other all the time. it’s a shame, the fandom had finally started to cool down and then this came along and ruined what litle progress it had made. and the worst part is that for some stupid reason, politics seem to have deeply entrenched themselves into the discussion. for some reason, whether you like the dubiously canon content or not seems to determine your morality for some people. and lets not even get started on june...

and for the record, i like hiveswap! i like friendsim! i think they could have made something decent with the franchise- but they didn’t. they wasted their resources on something that they KNEW a lot of people were going to hate, instead of working on the things most people cared about (like the epilogues people were actually asking for, or fucking Hiveswap). it just seems like the people on board were filled with hate, and spilled it onto their creation, and made it worse for it. rarely does writing from spite work, and here it definitely didn’t

anyway, that’s that. sorry if there’s any typos, it’s 4 am here and english is most definitely not my mother tongue. i call this a freezing cold take not because i think its wrong, but because this most certainly isnt something new or unique to myself. i know im not the only one thinking like this, but i dont really care. ive been thinking about this for years, and i guess i finally decided to put my thoughts down. this is incredibly messy, not proofread at all. im also not interested in arguing anything. i probably got a lot of things wrong and this is very much emotionally charged. i just keep seeing the state the fandom is in, and as someone whos been into homestuck since 2015, it makes me deeply sad. that’s it though lol, bye i guess

#princely opinion #not gonna tag anything i mention here #undoubtedly some people will find it and thats fine #but i dont wanna be a dick and tag hate #thats not okay #i also didnt say everything i wanted to say here #didnt even touch on yiffy and jeez that's a can of worms #or j&ne egb&rt either #(which btw i dont agree with june being canon but think its fine if its a headcanon)#if anyone wants to know any of my opinions on anything just ask #i have literally nobody to talk to about this and lots of opinions lmao #i have things to say

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